Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dengler and Jared Haven
Speaker 1: and I heard radio podcast. Welcome everyone to a new
Speaker 1: episode of Help I Suck At Dating. I'm Dean Anglert,
Speaker 1: recording live from Amy Sugarman's house with Jared Haben and
Speaker 1: Pappy and Pappy. Pappy sitting right next to you. He
Speaker 1: looks quite adorable, So I think we should talk about
Speaker 1: it right off the bat. You've officially adopted Pappy and
Speaker 1: I think we've talked about on the podcast. Uh, you're right, Well,
Speaker 1: we haven't really recorded a podcast since Tahoe two weeks ago.
Speaker 1: I feel like we haven't recorded any podcasts lately. Were
Speaker 1: you gonna say and Tori, I was gonna say, Anto, No,
Speaker 1: It's okay, wait what um? Well, for the listeners out there,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to introduce you as a guest on
Speaker 1: the podcast this week. A co host our guest co
Speaker 1: host Tory, who's a contributor to the podcast, because sometimes
Speaker 1: you do, sometimes you don't contribute. You know, you always contribute,
Speaker 1: it's just whether she contributes on air, that's yeah. That's
Speaker 1: also I'm always I'm always the wind beneath your wings. Anyways, Yes, Jared,
Speaker 1: I did adapt a duped well, Kalin and I adopted Peppi.
Speaker 1: Congratulations man, that's super exciting. Thanks. Uh. Yeah, he's been
Speaker 1: a laptor, great clapping, I mean, and now they're married,
Speaker 1: they have kids. He's been a little lately. I like
Speaker 1: came home, I went back to Caalen's apartment today and
Speaker 1: he was like, yeapping away. He always cries when we're gone,
Speaker 1: and he's peas everywhere, And you can't really get mad
Speaker 1: at that, though. Why is he pas? He get does
Speaker 1: he get excited? He's got like a bladder problem. He's old.
Speaker 1: How old he's eleven, he's got he's got a heart murmur,
Speaker 1: he's got a tumor, he's got dental issues, clearly. But
Speaker 1: you know what he has now a loving family, my
Speaker 1: dad and dad. He's got a dad. You're a dad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's pretty cool. We actually we're leaving tomorrow and we're
Speaker 1: taking him with us. Were somewhere. Calin bought us a
Speaker 1: trip somewhere and we're flying with him for the first time.
Speaker 1: A little interesting and that's a surprise trip. You guys
Speaker 1: do that a lot, huh. We try to do it
Speaker 1: once a quarter, once every three months, once a quarter
Speaker 1: for your business relationship, for the business relation that you're married,
Speaker 1: completely for satire. See, the thing is we have you know,
Speaker 1: we have so much expenses and and and expenditures or month,
Speaker 1: and if we don't hit our expenses for the for
Speaker 1: the quarter, then the next quarter our expense has become less.
Speaker 1: So we have to we have to spend that surplus
Speaker 1: of money on a business expense, which is us hanging
Speaker 1: out Kaylin and I traveling. Yeah, as if people couldn't
Speaker 1: hit us anymore, we've got business expenses, bro. So so
Speaker 1: you don't know where you're going? Are you nervous at all?
Speaker 1: Because because of coronavirus? Not knowing where the euro percent nervous?
Speaker 1: In fact, I think this whole thing and obviously this
Speaker 1: is a good topical thing for this discuss and it
Speaker 1: probably ties into dating. Should you date with the coronavirus
Speaker 1: out there. I'm personally not afraid of it whatsoever. Other
Speaker 1: you guys, I think it should be taken seriously, But no,
Speaker 1: I'm not afraid of it. I don't think it. I
Speaker 1: think the media is blowing it so out of portion.
Speaker 1: And yes, cases are going to go up, and yes,
Speaker 1: unfortunately people will die from this disease and it is terrible.
Speaker 1: But the fact is it is a flu strain, and
Speaker 1: that's what happens. You know, they say, I think, uh,
Speaker 1: and if if you're over eighty, I think the stat
Speaker 1: is you have a one in six chance of of
Speaker 1: dying from the season. But then everybody else it's it's
Speaker 1: you know, your chances are like point zero zero one too.
Speaker 1: I I don't know this. I just know if anybody
Speaker 1: in this whold like our whole heart family, is going
Speaker 1: to get it, it's going to be me. You're gonna
Speaker 1: say it was gonna be one of us. No, I
Speaker 1: just know my luck, and it's gonna be I'm going
Speaker 1: to Florida in a couple of days. Then you're what
Speaker 1: a year old healthy person one same thing. You're literally
Speaker 1: just turned. You're a young adult who's healthy. There's a
Speaker 1: zero percent chance that anything is going to happen to you,
Speaker 1: for the most zero, but you'll be fine. There's a
Speaker 1: high chance, I like chance of you kidding, yeah, Florida,
Speaker 1: I can. I just feel like, I think from from
Speaker 1: a person that enjoys traveling standpoint, and now is the
Speaker 1: time to be booking plane tickets and hotels that'd be cheap. No,
Speaker 1: they're not. That's such a fabrication, not true. I just
Speaker 1: booked a flight to d C because Ashley and I
Speaker 1: are going to go visit her family. Not cheap at
Speaker 1: all domestic and last up buying yes, like the Hawaii
Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, I know. I just saw that. I
Speaker 1: was like, uh, somebody from the office, they're going for Bucks.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. I don't know who the office is. But
Speaker 1: why guarantee international flights are super cheap? Right now? Nobody
Speaker 1: wants to travel international because well, the only nerve wracking
Speaker 1: part from me would be traveling internationally would be if
Speaker 1: you did catch it in a different country, then yeah,
Speaker 1: that's insane that now. And then like you can't go
Speaker 1: out of your your house unless you have like documentation
Speaker 1: that you have to be somewhere. So I saw a
Speaker 1: meme about this, like China is doing the same thing.
Speaker 1: Italy is doing that. Like everything well like the like
Speaker 1: Wuhan and the places where it's sad and then it's
Speaker 1: it goes to in America is talking about pushing Coachella
Speaker 1: back a couple of months. Yeah, well there's not a
Speaker 1: wide spread in America right now. And I think the
Speaker 1: problem is the way the media is portraying it. They're
Speaker 1: saying that it's going to spread. It's going to spread.
Speaker 1: They're not wrong. But at the same time, we have
Speaker 1: to anticipate that and not be terrified of it, just
Speaker 1: like a cold spreads, just like the flu sp I
Speaker 1: mean us in Los Angeles, we're in a state of
Speaker 1: emergency right now. Yeah, allegedly all the toilet paper is
Speaker 1: like gone from Superstars. Yeah, I mean, like, what do
Speaker 1: we I haven't wiped my button days, you guys, what
Speaker 1: did we just say? Is that a serious there's no
Speaker 1: toilet paper? What am I supposed to wipe it with?
Speaker 1: You can shower it afterwards, if I showered, Yeah, that
Speaker 1: would be a good solution. Keep toilet paper stocked in
Speaker 1: your van. I have toilet paper rolls on my van. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is true enough, but I
Speaker 1: remember hearing that Ben our very own, lovely Ben Higgins,
Speaker 1: after he defecates, he doesn't wipe. He just jumps immediately
Speaker 1: into the shower if he can. I mean, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna lie. I've done that plenty of times. I was
Speaker 1: a poor college student for a long time, So you
Speaker 1: wouldn't buy toilet paper if I, like, let's say we
Speaker 1: ran out, I hadn't gone to the store for a while.
Speaker 1: I didn't have the funds to go to the store.
Speaker 1: Just jump in the shower. That seems so cross to
Speaker 1: me on the double up on the soap, but I
Speaker 1: that is interesting. Should you go on dates during coronavirus tory?
Speaker 1: You're the only single one amongst us. Would you go
Speaker 1: on a day right now? Someone asked you. You know
Speaker 1: what's funny. I was at the like a somebody's birthday
Speaker 1: party at Roccos the other day, like on sunset. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's landspasses bar. Somebody else told me that I didn't
Speaker 1: know that. Um, And I was like, this is this
Speaker 1: is probably where I would get it too. And I
Speaker 1: was at the bar like leaning, and I was like,
Speaker 1: are you a hypochondriac, because not at all. That's twice
Speaker 1: now that you've been pretty pretty adamant. I just know
Speaker 1: my luck and I'll get it. But um, I haven't
Speaker 1: thought about germs before really until now, where I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: for sure, the bar is just getting like smeared with
Speaker 1: like a wet rag. There's no like sanitation, and that
Speaker 1: is a lot of people putting their hands on the
Speaker 1: bar being like, give me another ring. Well, two things
Speaker 1: you can always remember to do is wash your hands
Speaker 1: constantly for twenty seconds each time with soap and water.
Speaker 1: It's very important, Dean. Don't shake your head because I'm
Speaker 1: I again thinking, of course, this should be taken seriously
Speaker 1: so we can try to eliminate it as quickly as possible.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I don't think there should
Speaker 1: be panic. And the way to contain this thing as
Speaker 1: best as possible wash your hands and then try not
Speaker 1: to touch your face because then, because like you said,
Speaker 1: if your hands are on the bar and if you
Speaker 1: don't wash your hands and then you touch your eye,
Speaker 1: you could potentially be getting it if somebody at the
Speaker 1: bar had it. I'm not worried at all, um about
Speaker 1: getting it, But my friend made a good point the
Speaker 1: other day because I was talking to him about it too,
Speaker 1: and he goes, I don't know, I don't care about
Speaker 1: getting it, but I'm worried about getting it and spreading
Speaker 1: it to someone else that could potentially die from it.
Speaker 1: Like his father, for instance, has had a liver transplant
Speaker 1: or whatever, I can't remember exactly what it was, and
Speaker 1: if he got sick, he would essentially, odds are pretty
Speaker 1: likely he would die from it. So he's like, I'm
Speaker 1: scared to get it because I want to give it
Speaker 1: to my dad kind of thing. Of course, No, that's
Speaker 1: a very real thing that people need to be aware
Speaker 1: of because, like you said, us in this room, knock
Speaker 1: on wood, we probably don't have too much to worry
Speaker 1: about because even if even if we get it, we'll
Speaker 1: be able to fight it off hopefully pretty easily. But
Speaker 1: like you said, if we get it and we continue
Speaker 1: to live our daily lives and we, you know, give
Speaker 1: this to somebody who doesn't have as good as immune
Speaker 1: system as us or is elderly, that could cause issues.
Speaker 1: And I think that's why people are trying to contain this,
Speaker 1: because they know that most people will be fine, but
Speaker 1: they want to save as may a lot as possible.
Speaker 1: If you get it, hopefully have a hot doctor. Talking
Speaker 1: about hot doctor, hot doctor to take care of you
Speaker 1: well for you, quarantine that's kind of more for you.
Speaker 1: I just want a good doctor anyways. So, so your
Speaker 1: plan is to go to Florida coronavirus, get quarantined with
Speaker 1: what's the dude's name from Grey's Anatomy, The Gray Hair
Speaker 1: One McDreamy. No, that was not that's not dreamy. Mcam
Speaker 1: patrick one. I don't know you guys anyway, you guys
Speaker 1: fall in love. I get cured of coronavirus. Listen, I know,
Speaker 1: happily ever after. I know. We could talk for days
Speaker 1: about hot doctors and coronavirus, but we do need to
Speaker 1: move on. We watch part one of The Bachelor finale
Speaker 1: last night, and we have doctor Nancy Lee coming in
Speaker 1: as a guest in our next segment. She's going to
Speaker 1: dissect that a little bit with us. Yes, she's the
Speaker 1: author of Don't Sleep with Him Yet, A Badass Guy
Speaker 1: to Dating in ten Empowering Steps. All that and more
Speaker 1: coming up after this quick break. Welcome back. We have
Speaker 1: a very special guest just joining us right now. She's
Speaker 1: a psychologist. She's also the author of Don't Sleep with
Speaker 1: Him Yet, A Badass Guy to Dating inten Empowering Steps.
Speaker 1: It is Dr Nancy Lee. Doctor. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for joining us on the podcast. Hi guys, thanks for
Speaker 1: having me. Of course, So did you watch the first
Speaker 1: episode of the first part of the finale of the
Speaker 1: Bachelor last night? Oh? Yes, definitely, what are your thoughts interesting? Really?
Speaker 1: We're here describe the whole show really interesting. We won't
Speaker 1: get me started on mothers, but that's a whole other episode.
Speaker 1: Love is definitely blind, um, but it's also interesting to
Speaker 1: see that people were really standing up for themselves, both
Speaker 1: Hannah and Madison. I basically, Hannah was you know, I
Speaker 1: need more. So it's like a lot of believe it
Speaker 1: or not. But a lot of women don't do that,
Speaker 1: like they don't really assert themselves in relationships. At Madison too,
Speaker 1: she was saying this is this is me, take it
Speaker 1: or leave it. So that was impressive. Yeah, I thought
Speaker 1: both of them repressive. Why wouldn't you start on mother's
Speaker 1: because I am curiosity, because I know because I am
Speaker 1: a mother. I the Barbara takes pushiness to a whole
Speaker 1: other level. I mean, basically, how do you make a
Speaker 1: determination if somebody is quote unquote perfect for somebody else
Speaker 1: by meeting them once? So you didn't like Barbe telling
Speaker 1: Peter that he should pick handhand not madisone. I tend
Speaker 1: to throw away all the shoods, especially when they come
Speaker 1: from meeting somebody once who is just gushing about somebody
Speaker 1: she does even though and by the way, as a psychologist,
Speaker 1: I think perfect is scary. I mean, really, what's I
Speaker 1: always if I meet somebody who seems perfect, I kind
Speaker 1: of feel like what is hiding is perfect? Right, what's
Speaker 1: hiding behind the perfection? I'd also argue there's no such
Speaker 1: thing as somebody who's perfect for you. Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1: You take a relationship, you make it right, you choose
Speaker 1: one and absolutely you choose one another, you make it work.
Speaker 1: So I also like to toss out the word perfect.
Speaker 1: I think what I at least experienced when I watched
Speaker 1: the show last night was the reason Barbara got so
Speaker 1: attached to Hannah Anne was because they were basically a
Speaker 1: mirror of each other in my opinion, like Canna and
Speaker 1: was super emotional in that whole conversation, and barbaras obviously
Speaker 1: is a little emotional as well. And they even look alive. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she even like Barbara made that comment, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: she this this gorgeous. This woman is breathtakingly gorgeous. And
Speaker 1: she reminds me of us. I was curious what you
Speaker 1: looked like thirty years ago. Google her. She actually looks
Speaker 1: like him. Interesting. They're very similar types. And by the way, psychologically,
Speaker 1: we tend to have an inherent bias towards people who
Speaker 1: are like us, whether we're talking about like romantic relationships
Speaker 1: or weighing in on somebody else's relationship, but we have
Speaker 1: an inherent bias towards somebody like us. And there's the
Speaker 1: Oedipus right, Yeah, big time, we're seeing pictures of Barbed
Speaker 1: as a younger woman. Yeah, I can see the similars
Speaker 1: between even in the in the thirty year or whatever
Speaker 1: gap that we saw last night. You see some I
Speaker 1: saw similarities appearance. I think they look more like last
Speaker 1: night than what I'm seeing right now. But I get it.
Speaker 1: So I guess tie back into your let's tide into
Speaker 1: your book. So don't sleep with him yet? Is the
Speaker 1: book that you wrote? Um, let's let's go and just
Speaker 1: think about Peter's experience in fantasy suits. We can't assume
Speaker 1: he obviously didn't sleep with Maddie because they never spent
Speaker 1: the night together. We don't know what him in hand it,
Speaker 1: but they were intimate. Per Peter's words, do you think
Speaker 1: that has that has any bearing on or any indication
Speaker 1: on what he's going to do from I don't think
Speaker 1: it's fantasy sweets per se. I just think it's everything
Speaker 1: how he feels about the woman. He seems to be
Speaker 1: really like absolutely in love with Madison at this point
Speaker 1: at least. Also, it's really interesting because the type people
Speaker 1: either love or hate the title of my book, So
Speaker 1: I was choosing something meant to be provocational, but it
Speaker 1: really is about throwing out the rules, throwing out the shoods,
Speaker 1: like basically sleeping with somebody whenever it's right for you. Ironically,
Speaker 1: like there's so much quote unquote i'll call it virgin
Speaker 1: shaming so or or even just women who maybe don't
Speaker 1: want to hook up straight away, you know, or have
Speaker 1: sex on a really early date. So a lot of
Speaker 1: like those women are saying, oh my gosh, thanks for
Speaker 1: writing this book. But like I'm also hearing from women
Speaker 1: who are like really getting in touch with their sexuality
Speaker 1: because I say, also, like there are times where a
Speaker 1: woman wants to sleep with somebody immediately, and that's fine.
Speaker 1: Just understand, like just understand yourself, to quote The Bachelor,
Speaker 1: make sure you're doing it for the right reason, the
Speaker 1: right reasons. So yeah, yeah, that's perfect. Well, Jar, what
Speaker 1: do you think because from from our perspective or from
Speaker 1: my perspective at least, uh, Peter wants what he hasn't
Speaker 1: had yet, which is, you know, he hasn't had the
Speaker 1: intimacy with Maddie. Obviously, that's it's deeper than that, and
Speaker 1: there's more, there's more to it than that. But from
Speaker 1: my experience, I've experienced that before too. It's like you
Speaker 1: always kind of want the thing that you haven't gotten
Speaker 1: yet or can't have, and so that's kind of why
Speaker 1: I feel like this like burning desire to be with
Speaker 1: Maddie is so strong for him at the moment. What
Speaker 1: do you think, Yeah, I agree, I think Peter. I
Speaker 1: think Peter is suffering from nice guy syndrome where he's
Speaker 1: trying to please everybody, and yet he seems to be
Speaker 1: making everybody upset, because that's what happens. You can't please everybody.
Speaker 1: And I think you talked about how Madison and Hannah
Speaker 1: and and We're good last night in the episode Doctor,
Speaker 1: because they really vocalized what exactly they wanted. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure if Peter has done a good enough job of
Speaker 1: doing that with the women thus far um because I
Speaker 1: think that he keeps he keeps trying to say what
Speaker 1: he believes is right in the moment, But I'm not
Speaker 1: sure it's really what he believes. And so I think
Speaker 1: it's really costing him at this point because it's it's
Speaker 1: very obvious that he's more into Madison than Hannah. And
Speaker 1: but I agree with Dean. I think that he's so
Speaker 1: into Madison because Madison is showing signs of well, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be with you, and so he wants
Speaker 1: what he can't have. And also, you know, I just
Speaker 1: think again, I like Peter. I think he's a nice guy.
Speaker 1: I've kind of felt like this from the beginning. He
Speaker 1: might have just not been ready to be the Bachelor,
Speaker 1: because I think that you have to be ready to
Speaker 1: a certain extent. And and then last night, everybody like,
Speaker 1: how many times do we hear about his lifestyle and
Speaker 1: him clubbing and going out. It's like, Oh, that's that's weird.
Speaker 1: Why is there Why is there family concerned about that?
Speaker 1: And then so I think that's why I hope he
Speaker 1: picks Hannah and because I think that him and Hannah
Speaker 1: and are just a better fit. I was pretty vocal
Speaker 1: on Twitter about being pro team Hannah and and I
Speaker 1: feel like you and I might be in the vast
Speaker 1: minority there because it seems like everyone wants him to
Speaker 1: pick Maddie, maybe because he does seem so much more
Speaker 1: polarized by her. I think they want to They want
Speaker 1: him to pick Maddie because they no offense to hand.
Speaker 1: And I think the majority of people are are are
Speaker 1: more invested in Madison. They they, for lack of a
Speaker 1: better way of phrasing it, they like Madison better. So
Speaker 1: they're rooting for Maddie. But watching this season, I think
Speaker 1: Hannah And is a far better quote fit for Peter
Speaker 1: and his lifestyle. I think Peter the same thing with
Speaker 1: Hannah and I think they would have a better relationship,
Speaker 1: except that he may be picking up on something about
Speaker 1: hannah And that we don't see, because she does seem great.
Speaker 1: Notice I didn't say the word perfect, but she really
Speaker 1: does seem great. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's fun to
Speaker 1: talk to, she's articulate. But obviously he's not connecting a
Speaker 1: percent and is all. Is it also coincidental that he
Speaker 1: his final two or twenty three year olds just out
Speaker 1: of curiosity? For you? That's really that's that's a great question.
Speaker 1: I have to give that some thought. Maybe I mean
Speaker 1: it maybe that the you know, maybe Jared, because of
Speaker 1: what you said that he's kind of like not quite
Speaker 1: ready and a little bit immature himself, So he's choosing
Speaker 1: women who are younger that way. Yeah, that's actually a
Speaker 1: really good insight consequential. I guess, you know, you choose
Speaker 1: the twenty three year old, you get it wrong, it's
Speaker 1: not as big as if you chose a thirty one
Speaker 1: year old. I got it wrong, right, And I'm not
Speaker 1: even saying he's doing this consciously. I think it might
Speaker 1: have kind of worked out that way, but I'm curious
Speaker 1: that there's something under the layer where like we were
Speaker 1: talking about, maybe there's a part of him that's not
Speaker 1: ready and he's not coming to terms with that, and
Speaker 1: then subconsciously he's he's going towards uh, you know, younger women.
Speaker 1: I don't know what do we think is going to
Speaker 1: happen tonight for the finale? Part two? Oh gosh, so
Speaker 1: I need a crystal ball here here. I think that
Speaker 1: he's probably is going to connect with Hannah, and because
Speaker 1: that's kind of like the easiest thing to do right away,
Speaker 1: hard to say, And of course here I'm thinking about
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison's this is the most every season, right is
Speaker 1: a most dramatic Again, tumultuous, but something does happen, does
Speaker 1: I mean, does he choose Hannah and change his mind?
Speaker 1: Does Madison come back? So again, I think it's going
Speaker 1: to be a very like all the Hannah and is
Speaker 1: the obvious choice right now. I just don't know that
Speaker 1: she's going to be like the permanent choice. Also, somebody, Jared,
Speaker 1: you made a point before about and I think Dean
Speaker 1: also about what's up with Peter. I think he's the
Speaker 1: male version of the people pleaser. Um. Typically, we women
Speaker 1: are much more inclined to be people pleasers than men,
Speaker 1: just because we're acculturated that way. But I really see
Speaker 1: Peter like basically not really standing up for himself. And
Speaker 1: I'm not just saying last night, but especially like his
Speaker 1: relationship with Victoria for months, he just doesn't really assert
Speaker 1: what he wants or needs. I think Dean said, and
Speaker 1: You're so right that he's worried about everybody else, but
Speaker 1: he doesn't really stand up for what he wants. You You,
Speaker 1: you typically see that with a lot of women, so
Speaker 1: I'm seeing that with him, which is kind of yeah, Oh,
Speaker 1: I completely agree. I think again, like we said, he's
Speaker 1: a nice guy, but sometimes he's a nice guy to
Speaker 1: a fault because, especially in this world and when you're
Speaker 1: dealing with relationships and potentially engagements in marriage, you have
Speaker 1: to be selfish to a certain extent, and you have
Speaker 1: to vocalize what your expectations are, what your needs are,
Speaker 1: what your wants are. And I think sometimes, like you said, Peter,
Speaker 1: at times has just been a little bit reserved and
Speaker 1: unwilling to do that because he's trying to please everybody. Yes,
Speaker 1: and I think it might be costing him now, which
Speaker 1: sucks because I think if he was just he put
Speaker 1: his foot down a little bit more, uh, he wouldn't
Speaker 1: be getting nearly as much backlash as he's getting now. So, Jared,
Speaker 1: do you have any predictions for tonight? Um? I may
Speaker 1: have looked some stuff up so well, because I'm just
Speaker 1: I'm the guy that wants to know, Like my curiosity
Speaker 1: always gets the best of me, so I have to
Speaker 1: look beforehand, especially with this stuff. That's why I'm bad
Speaker 1: with watching TV shows like I can't wait ten twelve
Speaker 1: episodes for a season finale like I need. I like
Speaker 1: movies and I like a beginning, middle, and end all
Speaker 1: within a two hours. Well, whatever happens tonight, we do
Speaker 1: know one thing. It's going to be the most dramatic
Speaker 1: thing in Bachelor history. See Dr Nancy, I want to
Speaker 1: ask you about Dean. So you brought a piece of
Speaker 1: paper in with you. Don't kick me out. It's a
Speaker 1: safe space, I promise, And uh, explain what's on that
Speaker 1: piece of paper, and explain the part about Dean that's
Speaker 1: on that piece of paper. Okay. So again, as a psychologist,
Speaker 1: I look at different psychological categories and I also don't
Speaker 1: analyze me, but I have My fun is basically comparing
Speaker 1: those categories to people that I either just different celebrities
Speaker 1: and um so what's more fun than analyzing men on
Speaker 1: the Bachelor? So, way back way back in September, before
Speaker 1: there was any inkling that I was going to be
Speaker 1: a guest on this show, I took a couple of
Speaker 1: categories that I talked about in my book. It's a
Speaker 1: whole chapter called Men to Avoid. So there's a lot
Speaker 1: of fun things in there, like narcissists and serial cheaters
Speaker 1: and and and soft boys and players. A soft boy
Speaker 1: is a guy who thinks he's this is not Dean,
Speaker 1: by the way, but a soft boy, A soft boy. Actually,
Speaker 1: it may even be Peter. A soft boy is a
Speaker 1: guy who thinks he's ready for relationships and acts like
Speaker 1: he is, but there's no substance there. I've been I've
Speaker 1: been a soft boy exactly. Okay, then you get it right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it's just you put on Yeah, you you
Speaker 1: put on a facade. I have changed, But you have to,
Speaker 1: like we talked about before commitment, his choice. You have
Speaker 1: to choose the other person every day. But oh yeah,
Speaker 1: there was a time where I put out this facade
Speaker 1: that I was ready for marriage and I knew exactly
Speaker 1: what I wanted and it couldn't be further from the
Speaker 1: truth exactly. And then the women that you were dating
Speaker 1: possibly were blindsided by a breakup. Um, I would never
Speaker 1: let it get that far, but that wouldn't make it
Speaker 1: worse obviously. But I got called out by I remember
Speaker 1: one time I got called out by this girl who
Speaker 1: uh called me uh an f boy, and that, um,
Speaker 1: you know, even though we only went on like two dates, um,
Speaker 1: but that I never gave her a full chance, and
Speaker 1: that I'm gonna never find anybody if I if I
Speaker 1: continue just to um, you know, do what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: Pretty much. I know it's got a ring to it.
Speaker 1: I don't even know if we kissed. I'm not even joking.
Speaker 1: And by the way, women do that all the time.
Speaker 1: They go on that like attack when they're rejected, and
Speaker 1: I hate that. By the way, that's just in a side.
Speaker 1: But anyway, Jared, you didn't make the list. Had we
Speaker 1: had spoken, you would have. But but Dean did. So
Speaker 1: I quote unquote called Dean a commitment fobe. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you that, and I'm happy to read what I wrote. Okay,
Speaker 1: remember this is this is several months ago, so and
Speaker 1: this is from me being a psychologist and a major
Speaker 1: Bachelor fan. Okay, So, a commitment fobe is truly into you,
Speaker 1: but he is overtaken by irrational fear and disabling anxiety
Speaker 1: at the thought of engagement or marriage with anyone. Big
Speaker 1: blue Eyed Dean Anglert juggled relationships with Christina Shulman and
Speaker 1: Danielle Lombard on last year's Bachelor in Paradise without ever
Speaker 1: committing to either woman. Later, after forging a relationship with
Speaker 1: Leslie Murphy on Bachelor Winter Winter Games, the couple continued
Speaker 1: seeing one another after the show, including Dean's giving Leslie
Speaker 1: a kit to the house, but he eventually broke up
Speaker 1: with her as well. Recently, Dean ditched his In Paradise
Speaker 1: partner Kaylin Miller keys By abruptly leaving the show, only
Speaker 1: to return weeks later and convince Kaylin, by then involved
Speaker 1: with Connor, to dump Connor and run off with him.
Speaker 1: She did. Although Dean explained his initial breakup with Kaylin
Speaker 1: and all his former breakups as well as a form
Speaker 1: of quote self sabotage, this behavior can also be viewed
Speaker 1: as a phoeb as a phobia to institutionalized commitment, that
Speaker 1: is marriage. Although Dean and Calin are still together, it
Speaker 1: is highly unlikely that they will ever see their wedding day.
Speaker 1: If I'm not by the way, I'm a romantic and
Speaker 1: I hope I'm not right. I love you guys. Can
Speaker 1: we just hold whether you agree or disagree with that? Wow?
Speaker 1: That was well, holy crap, And listen, like I said,
Speaker 1: you're not the first. You won't be the last to
Speaker 1: call me a commitment because a lot of that stuff
Speaker 1: is pretty spot on. I gotta say, well, let's let's
Speaker 1: answer the elephant in the room right now. You said
Speaker 1: that Dean and Calin would never see their wedding day.
Speaker 1: Have you seen his left hand? Oh my god, is
Speaker 1: there a reveal today? And I said, unlikely, but I
Speaker 1: hope that I'm proven wrong, am I? Yeah? Is she
Speaker 1: this this man? You're right? You are a commitment folkus
Speaker 1: and and by the way people evolve, so the way
Speaker 1: somebody is like at twenty five, I'm not sure like
Speaker 1: how old you were when you started the Bachelor's changes.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's very different from the way somebody is
Speaker 1: at twenty eight or twenty nine. I will say that, Uh,
Speaker 1: the my my progression as an individual throughout Bachelorette and
Speaker 1: my most recent Bachelor in Paradise, from what I've seen,
Speaker 1: at least in myself has changed a lot. I think
Speaker 1: that just to at least maybe like qualify everything a
Speaker 1: little bit. On Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise the first time,
Speaker 1: and then Bachelor Winter Games, I was still and I
Speaker 1: still am obviously figuring out a lot about myself, learning
Speaker 1: a lot, uh. And I think the best way to
Speaker 1: summarize it is I was constantly looking for looking to
Speaker 1: be stimulated in my relationship, as like the uh, the
Speaker 1: you know, king stimulant for my life, but in reality,
Speaker 1: I was never really doing the things that made me happy.
Speaker 1: I was kind of leaning on that to make me happy,
Speaker 1: and then when that got boring, I'd be like, I'm
Speaker 1: out because I'm bored of this, so I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: on the next thing that stimulates me. Um. Since those shows,
Speaker 1: since Bachelor Winter Games and the whole Leslie relationship, I've
Speaker 1: found things to stimulate me on a regular basis that
Speaker 1: I'm interested in and continue to pursue. So it's not
Speaker 1: I'm not relying on Kalin to keep me interested. I'm
Speaker 1: keeping myself interested. And then the relationship comes on and
Speaker 1: obviously we're able to build and grow with each other
Speaker 1: seeing something that I love about you, and that's great.
Speaker 1: And I've noticed this on the show, and it's exactly
Speaker 1: the what you're expressing now is you're always looking for
Speaker 1: self insight, like you really really show that. Unfortunately so
Speaker 1: many people don't. But I noticed that about you all
Speaker 1: all along. So and this is this is harsh, because
Speaker 1: harsh is just fun, absolutely, especially when you're being critical
Speaker 1: of other people like well, in this instance, right, like,
Speaker 1: you can't take a middle stance on something because then
Speaker 1: it's no stance at all. If you take it. You
Speaker 1: have to excuse one way or the other. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean exactly. But Jared was saying something at
Speaker 1: the top of it too, that he has some You
Speaker 1: have some similarities within yourself of the commitment, Philip, you're
Speaker 1: saying soft boy. Um, yeah, I forget like not being
Speaker 1: ready for a relationship, especially when you were younger, acting
Speaker 1: like you were in thinking you were well, I think
Speaker 1: the like Dean, Yes, Dean had commitment. Well, here's the
Speaker 1: thing from my from ten thousand feet away, because you
Speaker 1: still refuse to tell anybody whether you're married or not.
Speaker 1: I think that probably some of those things in that
Speaker 1: paragraph are true about Dean, and Dean knows that, which
Speaker 1: is why Deans so such an incredible human being, because
Speaker 1: he's aware of his flaws and tries to work on them,
Speaker 1: which is why I, I and a lot of people,
Speaker 1: um respecting, because he puts it out there, like anybody
Speaker 1: dating Dean doesn't know this, right, like I I think
Speaker 1: has you know knows that like, yeah, I have issues.
Speaker 1: But comparably, I think there's a lot of people out
Speaker 1: there who start dating guys who don't showcase their flaws
Speaker 1: like Dean does, and then all of a sudden, their
Speaker 1: partners find out, Oh wow, you have a lot of
Speaker 1: flaws that I had no idea. Uh, we're boiling underneath.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I don't even necessarily think they're flaws, just challenges. Yeah,
Speaker 1: being afraid of commitment is a challenge, and it's a
Speaker 1: challenge for oneself. It's also a challenge for whoever you're dating,
Speaker 1: if they want to, you know, want a committed relationship.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you two questions before you ask the questions?
Speaker 1: I just want to As an aside, The funny thing
Speaker 1: you call it a challenge is Caitlin and I never
Speaker 1: say that we are annoying each other. Instead of saying annoying,
Speaker 1: we say that we're challenging each other. So it's funny
Speaker 1: to hear that. That's he that's that's really funny. That's good,
Speaker 1: that's great. My question is do you think you are
Speaker 1: commitment folk? Yes, I would still say that. I haven't
Speaker 1: shaken the title of commitment philip entirely. Um. I just
Speaker 1: meant like for you, not the not the tag, like
Speaker 1: who cares what other people think about you? Do you think? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think? Well, so I've talked about in the podcast
Speaker 1: before because I did therapy quite a bit uh last year,
Speaker 1: maybe the year before, And even my therapist said that
Speaker 1: I have an addiction to novelty, and I think someone
Speaker 1: that's addicted to novelty and trying new things inherently is
Speaker 1: kind of commitment phobic because they're always kind of looking
Speaker 1: for the next thing thrill um, and so I there's
Speaker 1: definitely a large part of me that is that way.
Speaker 1: Then my second question is realizing that, is that why
Speaker 1: you have a wedding band on your hand? Do you
Speaker 1: think like for whether you're actually because this this human
Speaker 1: being he just won't tell anybody whether he's married or not.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's aspirational, Maybe that's he wants to get to
Speaker 1: that point. And that's exactly my point. And I think
Speaker 1: that he knows that he has this fear of commitment,
Speaker 1: and so he loves Calin so much and cares about
Speaker 1: her so deeply that he is actively every day fighting
Speaker 1: that off until it just becomes second nature. And that
Speaker 1: includes the wedding band to be like, hey, I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that you know, I know that I'm
Speaker 1: in this. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to fight
Speaker 1: for it and and and I'm gonna try to fight
Speaker 1: off any phobia I have about being in a committed
Speaker 1: relationship with you, Calin. He's also trying to fight up
Speaker 1: all the women that are hitting on him out there.
Speaker 1: I don't think remember what I said about the big
Speaker 1: blue eyes. I think Dean only becomes more attractive with
Speaker 1: a wedding band, which I don't even know about how
Speaker 1: that's possible, but I think it might be ladies. He
Speaker 1: really is cute. I'm married, and like, hey, we look, Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's cute. You both are. It's all right, I I know,
Speaker 1: like I'm I'm confident myself, but Dean Dean is like,
Speaker 1: you know, a unicorn. You know. I will say one
Speaker 1: of the one of the many faults that I have
Speaker 1: is is being a contrarian and so define people's expectations.
Speaker 1: It's just it gives me must it gives you a rush,
Speaker 1: It gives it gives you a rush. Yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: not something you ever want to lose. It just depends
Speaker 1: how you channel it. If you're channeling it and it's
Speaker 1: not hurting anybody, and it really actually it can actually
Speaker 1: be really positive. So I think that's something that you
Speaker 1: want to cultivate possibly and and just depending on what
Speaker 1: the channels are so how long have you been married?
Speaker 1: Too long? No? Long A long time I've been married.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I think it's thirty years. Thank you.
Speaker 1: So how do you make it last? Um? You you
Speaker 1: work at it like your little you kill him? No,
Speaker 1: I like that, now you really you really have to.
Speaker 1: There's there's going to be speedbuts so in nine percent
Speaker 1: of relationships, and it's about dedication and commitment and working
Speaker 1: things through. I've always been curious with people with doctors
Speaker 1: and psychologists and um, all the sort, do you find
Speaker 1: yourself kind of working around the clock, like psychoanalyzing your
Speaker 1: husband for instance, or your children or anything like that.
Speaker 1: You know what? Okay, great question. I'm asked that all
Speaker 1: the time because I'm behavior cognitive. I actually really don't psychoanalyze.
Speaker 1: I look at goals and yeah, what does somebody go
Speaker 1: what are their goals and behaviors? And what do people
Speaker 1: want out of therapy, Whether it's like somebody can come
Speaker 1: in and they want to find a great relationship, they
Speaker 1: can come in and they want to alleviate anxiety or depression.
Speaker 1: So with I mean within that, yeah, you get into
Speaker 1: all sorts of things regarding people's lives. But Ultimately, I
Speaker 1: never really quote unquote analyze people. It's more about looking
Speaker 1: at life, looking at people and seeing, Okay, how does
Speaker 1: that fit with what some what is going to make
Speaker 1: somebody happy? Um that Now, of course that's different than
Speaker 1: diagnosing so and it's it's like again, this is fun,
Speaker 1: it's entertainment. I really would never quote unquote diagnose somebody
Speaker 1: without meeting them. But there are characteristics that you can
Speaker 1: look in and say, Okay, that's what's going on. So, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't my kids I've analyzed now, just just kidding.
Speaker 1: Emotional manipulation is a really interesting one because you see
Speaker 1: that in a lot of relationships unfortunately, and that's about
Speaker 1: when somebody when somebody has an agenda or they're trying
Speaker 1: to control somebody else's behavior in perception. So I am
Speaker 1: really good at calling people out on that. I'm not
Speaker 1: calling my husband an emotional manipulator, sorry John, But but
Speaker 1: if you just try to pull something, I think that's
Speaker 1: where being a psychologist and understanding that really does I'm
Speaker 1: in handy what exactly is? Oh? I was gonna ask,
Speaker 1: do you think we've seen any of that emotional manipulation
Speaker 1: on Peter Season? In the bachelor. Oh gosh, yes, hello, Victoria,
Speaker 1: can you give us an example, because I'm trying to
Speaker 1: figure out what exactly emotional manipulation is, I can tell
Speaker 1: you exactly. So Victoria, F and sorry, I don't want
Speaker 1: to hurt anybody's feelings. But remember when he was starting
Speaker 1: to say this bothers this, but you know this bothers me. Um,
Speaker 1: I heard that you may have broken up marriages. And
Speaker 1: she was like basically, F like f this and walked
Speaker 1: and walked away. This is bullshit. That's emotional manipulation because
Speaker 1: it's basically you're not allowing somebody else to voice their feelings.
Speaker 1: You're being really she was being really dismissive. Or when
Speaker 1: she said when he was feeling badly about something else
Speaker 1: and she said, you're always in a mood. So that's
Speaker 1: emotional manipulation as well, because you're you're trying to get
Speaker 1: somebody else to feel a certain way about the themselves,
Speaker 1: but you're really avoiding the issue. Yeah, you put the
Speaker 1: blame on them exactly. That who hasn't been well, a
Speaker 1: lot of people haven't been bullied, but for anybody who's
Speaker 1: been bullied and then they try to speak up for
Speaker 1: themselves and the person says, Oh, you're just so sensitive
Speaker 1: or can't you take a joke? That's a that's a
Speaker 1: clear example of emotional manipulation. I have a friend that
Speaker 1: does that all the time. So now you can call
Speaker 1: him on it. I don't think I could. We gotta,
Speaker 1: we gotta move on. But before we do, I just
Speaker 1: have one request. So this this paragraph of my commitment
Speaker 1: folk that she wrote you wrote one for a lot
Speaker 1: of other men from Bachelor in Paradise. Don't don't read
Speaker 1: the whole thing, but can you just give us the
Speaker 1: name and the title that you assigned for them real
Speaker 1: quick before we do move one to the next segment. Okay,
Speaker 1: so here's here's a few so speaking of emotional manipulation.
Speaker 1: Luke Parker, serial philander, Jed White, Wait serial what? Serial cheater?
Speaker 1: Player Blake courts Men, soft boy Clay Harbor, narcissist Juan Pablo.
Speaker 1: That's a throwback. That's a throwback. Oh he's a he's
Speaker 1: he defines narciss I've only heard bad things, but I
Speaker 1: never met him personally. So what did you give Blake? Blake?
Speaker 1: Was Blake was a player? Because he was he was
Speaker 1: hooking up with all these women and didn't write like
Speaker 1: it was. It seemed to be just about the hook
Speaker 1: up with him. We'll take it, Yeah, I think. I yeah,
Speaker 1: poor Blake, he's just like that guy that was not
Speaker 1: I feel like that just was so overwhelmed at the
Speaker 1: moment and so many women just wanted him and there's
Speaker 1: no there's no, there's no Poor Blake. Anyways, Dr Nancy
Speaker 1: thank you for being a guest on our podcast. If
Speaker 1: you're looking to hear more from Dr Nancy b sure
Speaker 1: check out her book, Don't Sleep with Him Yet. A
Speaker 1: Badass Guy to Dating Intent, Empowering Steps. It's on Amazon
Speaker 1: and if you're in the l A area. It's also
Speaker 1: available at Barnes and Noble, at the Grove Fantastic, awesome,
Speaker 1: anywhere else. We can find your Instagram, Twitter anything. Thanks
Speaker 1: for asking. My Instagram handle is d r n A
Speaker 1: n c y l E. So Dr Nancy Lee. And
Speaker 1: then the Facebook page for the book is Don't Sleep
Speaker 1: with Him Yet Forward slash the book perfect. Great. I
Speaker 1: think I think you could definitely help a lot of people.
Speaker 1: I hope, so we appreciate. Fine, take care, Okay, you're
Speaker 1: helping people to thanks alright, all right, and we are
Speaker 1: back with more help. I suck at dating. For your
Speaker 1: ear lobes, your drums, your canals. You're welcome anyways, U,
Speaker 1: Dr Nancy Lee. Be sure to check her book out. Obviously.
Speaker 1: She seems pretty insightful and she's not afraid to pack
Speaker 1: a punch, as you heard when she wrote that little
Speaker 1: thing about me. Real nice. Dr Nancy. We're gonna answer
Speaker 1: a couple of emails. We're going to answer a couple
Speaker 1: of emails. She wrote that she had no idea she
Speaker 1: would ever be sitting face to face with you re
Speaker 1: reading out loud what she wrote, she secretly knew it.
Speaker 1: I feel like anyways, we're gonna answer a couple more
Speaker 1: emails for you guys before we get out of here. Um.
Speaker 1: As always, this is i our a favorite part of
Speaker 1: the podcast because it helps us connect with you a
Speaker 1: little bit uh more. Okay, over there, you have a
Speaker 1: I was a little scary stop speaking. Um. There was
Speaker 1: something really important that I wanted to add to the
Speaker 1: end of that, and I couldn't think of it for
Speaker 1: the life. Well, I want to add something while you're
Speaker 1: thinking of We love your emails. Please keep sending to them. Oh,
Speaker 1: I was gonna include the email address podcast sounds cute.
Speaker 1: You guys are just like reading each other's minds. It's
Speaker 1: what is it dating? And I heart media dot com.
Speaker 1: I suck a dating and I heart media dot com.
Speaker 1: Please keep sending emails. Please follow us on Instagram. We
Speaker 1: are at help, I suck at dating. We're gonna be
Speaker 1: doing giveaways. Dean right now is currently wearing a hashtag
Speaker 1: suck army Beanie. I have one too, but I gave
Speaker 1: it somebody to wear. It's a long story, but we
Speaker 1: have suck army beanies that we're gonna do giveaways on
Speaker 1: on Instagram, and we're going to announce how best to
Speaker 1: win it. To win it, We're still concocting ideas. Tune
Speaker 1: into the podcast, will come up with them maybe next week.
Speaker 1: But Instagram is the important thing to follow because that's
Speaker 1: where you're gonna win the beanies. So follow us on
Speaker 1: help by second dating. Uh and then oh what I
Speaker 1: wanted to say? Please please please go on um Apple
Speaker 1: podcast wherever you get it. Rate our podcast please and
Speaker 1: give us a review because that really helps. Obviously, please
Speaker 1: give us a five star review, um, but really, anything
Speaker 1: other than a five star review please if you're gonna
Speaker 1: stars to know if you're gonna go all that way
Speaker 1: out of your way, give us five stars. I feel
Speaker 1: like four is pretty fair. We have five star podcast.
Speaker 1: We'll take three stars. No, but seriously, please just go
Speaker 1: on Apple podcast. Rate review is give us a comment.
Speaker 1: Let us know what we're doing good. Remember when we
Speaker 1: used to do the thing where it was doing I
Speaker 1: remember used to say, leave a five star review and
Speaker 1: roast us in the comments. Yeah, it was pretty fun
Speaker 1: to You can do that if you feel like doing that,
Speaker 1: you're feeling creative, give us a five star review. Tell
Speaker 1: us what you hate most about us. We really hate us,
Speaker 1: so a lot of us. Just give us a five star.
Speaker 1: Really care about um. We're gonna answer a couple of
Speaker 1: emails for you. We've got a couple of interesting ones
Speaker 1: here for you. This first one is from Jamie and
Speaker 1: she's sending this for her friend. I'm twenty four. I've
Speaker 1: been dating a thirty four year old man for about
Speaker 1: a year, and things went incredibly well at the beginning.
Speaker 1: I've had a very bad string of luck when it
Speaker 1: comes to relationships. Prior to this relationship, I moved across
Speaker 1: the country for a guy I was insanely in love
Speaker 1: with to then find out he was in multiple relationships.
Speaker 1: That's what she says. I was damaged, but I moved. However,
Speaker 1: anytime my boyfriend drinks or is just feeling frisky, he
Speaker 1: spews past baggage and hurt. Oh, he spews past baggage
Speaker 1: and hurt onto this relationship. I do not know if
Speaker 1: I can come back from the hateful words and unnecessary
Speaker 1: fights that have nothing to do with me. For example,
Speaker 1: my car got declined at a brewery and he said,
Speaker 1: you embarrassed me. Don't be like you're deadbeat dad. The
Speaker 1: words are insanely hurtful, and nine percent of the time
Speaker 1: he is so incredibly loving. Ps I work with him.
Speaker 1: P s s. He was married right before this relationship started.
Speaker 1: What happened in the first relationship again, the dude had
Speaker 1: a different family. She moved cross country for the guy,
Speaker 1: and that guy was in other relationships. Okay, what was
Speaker 1: her name or was it anonymous? Um? This is Jamie
Speaker 1: wrote this for her friends, so she's writing from the
Speaker 1: perspective of her friend. It sounds like and the friends
Speaker 1: says that the guy is romantic. Nine of the time
Speaker 1: he's a nice guy. Yea the time he's a nice
Speaker 1: guy is a big amount. And if the ten percent
Speaker 1: is saying don't embarrass me, don't be like you're dead
Speaker 1: beat dad, I don't know. I think she's got to
Speaker 1: get out of that. I think that ten percent is
Speaker 1: going to soon be fifteen. Then it's going to be
Speaker 1: and that's just gonna keep growing and growing. But how
Speaker 1: do you, as a friend then tell your friend, hey, look,
Speaker 1: this relationship is destructive for you. I think you need
Speaker 1: to figure out a way to get out of it.
Speaker 1: Send her this podcast. Yeah, just you should listen to
Speaker 1: this episode. Just take what Dane just said. No, it's
Speaker 1: true though. Actually a friend of mine went through a
Speaker 1: very similar situation where one of my friends was on
Speaker 1: this on and off again relationship with just one guy
Speaker 1: for like eight years. It was that, you know, they
Speaker 1: would they would date other people, but that they always
Speaker 1: still be hooking up and coming back into their lives.
Speaker 1: But he never wanted to be her boyfriend and so
Speaker 1: they never committed, but she would always still hang out
Speaker 1: with him until one day one of my friends told her,
Speaker 1: like they were drinking and she was venting about him,
Speaker 1: and then my friend was like, I'm tired of you
Speaker 1: talking about this guy. Like, I can't hear it anymore.
Speaker 1: She's like, what are you talking about. It's like, you
Speaker 1: need to never talk to him again. He sucks. You
Speaker 1: need to not talk to him again. And so she
Speaker 1: flipped out on her and she's like, you're not being
Speaker 1: a good friend. And they lost a friendship for like
Speaker 1: a year over this. Of course, guess what happened that
Speaker 1: the guy. You know. She finally stood up to the
Speaker 1: guy and was like, either you're with me or not,
Speaker 1: and he's like, well, well, I don't want to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship with you. So they finally broke things off,
Speaker 1: and then the friendship came back to be. So the friend,
Speaker 1: you know, my friend, who was very honest with my
Speaker 1: other friend, was completely in the right, but unfortunately she
Speaker 1: lost her as a friend for a little while because
Speaker 1: she took it poorly. And it might be similar to situation.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, just know you're
Speaker 1: doing the right thing if you say, hey, listen, this
Speaker 1: guy might not be the best thing for you. I mean,
Speaker 1: I've been in a situation to where I'm giving friends
Speaker 1: advice and their relationship isn't going well, and you never
Speaker 1: like to give the advice of being like, well, maybe
Speaker 1: you should just end the relationship. That's never what your
Speaker 1: friend is like looking for, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But sometimes that's the best advice similar to that situation.
Speaker 1: And it's just it's tricky because you don't want to
Speaker 1: lose your friendship, but you also want to give them
Speaker 1: the most appropriate advice you can. I think a lot
Speaker 1: of times it's just like lending a listening ear in
Speaker 1: those cases. So I'll like just hear them out, listen
Speaker 1: to them, and agree with the things that they're saying,
Speaker 1: just because I feel like that's a big part of it.
Speaker 1: But this is like if it's a destructive relationship, Like
Speaker 1: if he's saying these really hurtful things to you, it's
Speaker 1: like that's something that you should probably exit yourself from. Yeah,
Speaker 1: girl to girl, for her, I would just say no
Speaker 1: that you're not like, he's not going to change just
Speaker 1: for you. He's gonna change, but he's gonna change in
Speaker 1: a bad way. It's only gonna get worse. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: but you're not gonna be able to save him, is
Speaker 1: what I was trying to say. You know how, like
Speaker 1: girls we think we can send THEMS fix things versus
Speaker 1: a and guys think I think you want to be
Speaker 1: the financial supporter or whatever it may be, etcetera, etcetera
Speaker 1: for a man to a woman. I feel like women
Speaker 1: always want to be like, I want to make you
Speaker 1: the man that I see you are, but like he
Speaker 1: has to want that himself, and it doesn't sound like
Speaker 1: he wants that. So okay, Well, so how do you
Speaker 1: recommend Amy or I'm sorry Jamie to go to her
Speaker 1: friend and approach the situation as a girl? Um gently,
Speaker 1: you know, approach it with caution. But I would, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe invite her over for a girl night, you know,
Speaker 1: have wine, watch Bachelor or Love is Blind. Uh, and uh,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe just ask her how the relationship is going,
Speaker 1: and you know, subtly give your honest opinion about it.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go up to her and be like, your
Speaker 1: boyfriend sucks, you need to dump his ass right now.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's the correct approach. I think, and
Speaker 1: this might be a little controversial, but documenting times that
Speaker 1: you have seen red flags so that she can recall
Speaker 1: it and just saying here's where I love you. I'm
Speaker 1: going to be here with you no matter what, Like
Speaker 1: I'm not leaving, but here's where are my red flags?
Speaker 1: And then recalling those situations to her because I think
Speaker 1: that we tend to forget the bad things and remember
Speaker 1: the good. Absolutely good point. I think that's a good
Speaker 1: point too, is writing down those times too, so you
Speaker 1: can have like a log of the things that were inappropriate,
Speaker 1: or you can reflect on them and remember them more clearly.
Speaker 1: It's a little more challenging, I think for her, but
Speaker 1: I guess as the friend, it seems like she's been
Speaker 1: there and experienced some of these firsthand too, So yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's a good place to start. I don't
Speaker 1: have a gentle conversation with her, and I think just
Speaker 1: saying that you're not you're not leaving her, you know,
Speaker 1: like you're going to stick by her. I think we
Speaker 1: can all agree that that her friends should be out
Speaker 1: of that relationship. Though it sounds like it, I mean, yeah, yesterday,
Speaker 1: we don't know, but anybody he says that your dad
Speaker 1: is I mean unless the dad I don't know, don't
Speaker 1: be like you're dead beat dad is what she said?
Speaker 1: Can I can I ask you a personal question? YEA,
Speaker 1: if someone said, what if Klin said something negative about
Speaker 1: your father, um, something not like dead beet, but something
Speaker 1: that was i'd be I'd get defensive. Okay, Okay, I
Speaker 1: just didn't know because I didn't know what her relationship
Speaker 1: with her dad is. And if he was just being like,
Speaker 1: maybe she hates her father, I don't. I'm probably overthinking
Speaker 1: this way too much. But no, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's it's definitely a sensitive thing to totally Yeah. I know,
Speaker 1: you're absolutely right. Email. Long story short, Jamie gets your
Speaker 1: friend of that relationship. We're gonna move on to one more.
Speaker 1: We have this one from m. M says I work
Speaker 1: at a college and I'm twenty six. That's uh. There's
Speaker 1: a student that I worked with who I've had a
Speaker 1: big crush on for about three years now. He's twenty two.
Speaker 1: He's so kind, and sometimes I can't tell if he's
Speaker 1: just a nice person to everyone or if he's supporting
Speaker 1: with me. For example, we were texting and something about
Speaker 1: something work related recently, and he sent me a text
Speaker 1: telling me that it was so sweet of me to
Speaker 1: be writing a letter of support for an award for
Speaker 1: someone we both know. Our conversations are mostly professional. He's
Speaker 1: graduating this year and I'm possibly leaving my position at
Speaker 1: the college to take another position. Else I'm looking for
Speaker 1: some advice on if I should tell him how I feel.
Speaker 1: I do not crush easily, and I haven't been in
Speaker 1: a relationship for about three years, so it's supervisor versus
Speaker 1: like student. Yeah, what does she do at the college?
Speaker 1: She just says she works at the college. She doesn't
Speaker 1: say what specific. She's probably a professor, maybe like a
Speaker 1: professor's aide or something like t A or something, you know,
Speaker 1: something about the upper to a student that's it says
Speaker 1: right it does say right here to make me believe
Speaker 1: that's graduating. She says, there's a student that I worked
Speaker 1: with who I've had a big crush on for about
Speaker 1: three years now, so that means she's, yeah, in a
Speaker 1: superior position of the student worked with. Can I just say,
Speaker 1: because I know that we talked about this in the
Speaker 1: beginning about coronavirus just got notified. Coachella and Stagecoach music
Speaker 1: festivals have been postponed until October due to coronavirus. Already
Speaker 1: breaking news here on help I suck a dating festival
Speaker 1: life broke, Come on festival breaking news. That's a good point.
Speaker 1: Coachella has been pushed, so if you're planning on going
Speaker 1: to Coachella with a significant other, maybe meeting your girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Bachelor in Paradise is going to be so different this year.
Speaker 1: Jared and I went to a stagecoach once. This is
Speaker 1: when Aashley and I were still I imagine if that
Speaker 1: was pushed back to October, you guys might have never
Speaker 1: gotten married or still would have. I'm sure you would
Speaker 1: have too, But just imagine if you didn't. Blake's a
Speaker 1: better example. He would have probably had a lot better
Speaker 1: run in Paradise. You would have been far better off. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go back to the email. I just how to
Speaker 1: break that new So she essentially is a teacher and
Speaker 1: she has a crush on a student, the students graduating,
Speaker 1: and she's being it sounds like, just stay away from it. Well,
Speaker 1: just wait till he's graduated. Once he even if you
Speaker 1: stay working at the college and he's graduated, sure, then
Speaker 1: that's fine. But he needs to be graduated out of
Speaker 1: the school. And I would even give it like a
Speaker 1: little like I think college is different than like maybe
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know either. I guess it's
Speaker 1: it's definitely a tricky. It is tricky because then graduating.
Speaker 1: If you're a professor, they'll think about it. But think
Speaker 1: about what happens if they start there in a public
Speaker 1: relationship and then all of a sudden the dean in
Speaker 1: the school like or you can say you met at
Speaker 1: a bar ten years later, I mean ten seconds later exactly.
Speaker 1: That's my point. They were a student in that the
Speaker 1: last semester, and then you graduated in a week later.
Speaker 1: Their dating. But so many bosses like falling in with
Speaker 1: their secretaries. Of this could be a really bad comparison,
Speaker 1: but it's like you find love where you find lot.
Speaker 1: I agree with you, but I do think that there's
Speaker 1: something about a student teacher relationship that is it's just touchy.
Speaker 1: It's touch to say I'm right in this situation, what
Speaker 1: should she do? Let's ask that. Let's ask this story,
Speaker 1: because you don't crush easily either, And that thing that's
Speaker 1: a big important thing to think about in this situation
Speaker 1: is this person doesn't crush easily, and so she has
Speaker 1: a crush on a student. What would you do if
Speaker 1: you were in her position? As Let's let's say, let's
Speaker 1: say we brought on an assistant producer, like an assistant
Speaker 1: assistant like a low under Yeah, this is good under her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you develop feelings over the course of the next
Speaker 1: couple of years. What would be your course of action.
Speaker 1: It's hard because he's not graduating, but like if he
Speaker 1: switched jobs, then yeah, that's all I feel like what
Speaker 1: it is? I still feel like the workplace is different
Speaker 1: than can't you just report it to HR? Can you
Speaker 1: go to HR like school somewhere and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is happening, but nothing has happened like led up
Speaker 1: to it just now. I don't know if I've ever
Speaker 1: heard of like somebody going to HR being like I
Speaker 1: really like this person, but we work together. How does
Speaker 1: that work? You know, you have to report your relationships,
Speaker 1: but we're talking about a university here. I know, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to understand if there is that at a university.
Speaker 1: I just think I think you should go for it.
Speaker 1: I think, what what does she say? Does she like
Speaker 1: slide into a d N. I think the reason that
Speaker 1: what if what if? Yeah? What if the student feels
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and then reports the professor? No. I think the
Speaker 1: reason that we always to think that there's this taboo
Speaker 1: against student teacher relationships is because it's always like you
Speaker 1: for you think high under age. Yeah, yeah, they're twenty
Speaker 1: two and twenty six. They're both adults. One is graduating.
Speaker 1: I don't personally think that there's any conflict of interest, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: and the students twenty two. But you're right, Okay, So
Speaker 1: now that we've established for a fact that it's appropriate
Speaker 1: for her to pursue a relationship with a guy, I
Speaker 1: just think I'm not saying you shouldn't just proceed with
Speaker 1: question because then again, like I said, what if the
Speaker 1: student's not feeling it, and then she didn't think creepy
Speaker 1: like I saw down your shirt while you're doing It's
Speaker 1: like there's nothing, there's nothing there to like make it creepy.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think, don't lose your job, or maybe
Speaker 1: love is worth that much. Man with the twenty two
Speaker 1: year old, I'm pretty sure that I've been on a
Speaker 1: date with a teacher, not like a teacher professor, but
Speaker 1: like an aid at some point, and it wasn't awkward
Speaker 1: for me. Of course, you have right, but you didn't.
Speaker 1: You didn't forego that into a place where you had
Speaker 1: to be like, okay, I was a student or I
Speaker 1: am a student. I don't know. What the level was
Speaker 1: for huh, bachelor word of the week. I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: from a perspective of the twenty two year old that's
Speaker 1: potentially graduating soon, it's not weird if you approach him casually,
Speaker 1: get a drink. Maybe let's get a coffee because it's
Speaker 1: your on a university environment, people drink coffe all the
Speaker 1: time there, Yeah, why not just like, hey, now you're graduated,
Speaker 1: let's go grab a cup of coffee. Yeah, that should
Speaker 1: just be it. All right, see if it's there, because
Speaker 1: if it's worth if it's worth it later, like if
Speaker 1: you go ahead and have Yeah, obviously this time she
Speaker 1: could be That's what I mean. Obviously it's worth it
Speaker 1: if they end up like getting married. So, m if
Speaker 1: you're listening to this, what's your advice? No, I'm looking.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you a question. What's your advice? I
Speaker 1: saild go for balls to the wall. If you don't
Speaker 1: crush easily, you gotta you gotta take advantage of every
Speaker 1: chance you can beat two out of three here anyway,
Speaker 1: proceed with caution. That's my only advice. Hold on, So,
Speaker 1: what were you saying about your relationship with the teacher aide?
Speaker 1: It's pretty good. I wasn't saying anything. I'm just saying, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, we gotta know a little bit. I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: at one point in my life, I probably have been
Speaker 1: on a date with the teacher's aid allegedly in college.
Speaker 1: Probably yeah, yeah, of course it wasn't in high school.
Speaker 1: Well what what great? I don't know exactly what great?
Speaker 1: Come on, give us a it's got to be later on,
Speaker 1: because and you're kind of like over the sorority or
Speaker 1: whatever girls that you you there a young teacher age,
Speaker 1: so he's freshman dean, and you don't think that it's
Speaker 1: plausible that they could have met up. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that I was ever on a date with anyone. I
Speaker 1: just I think that I recall something of the sort
Speaker 1: happening at some point. It's not it's not ambiguity for
Speaker 1: ambiguity sick. I'm being genuinely correctly. It's like, yeah, you
Speaker 1: do remember if it was like a date or was
Speaker 1: it more of just a casual meet up. I'm really
Speaker 1: bad at misconstruing what people think are dates for just
Speaker 1: like friendly hand do you remember what you did for
Speaker 1: the friendly hang? Did you get the first dinner there
Speaker 1: was no there was no was there any up, There
Speaker 1: was no first round, second, never even hit the ball.
Speaker 1: But we definitely not. I've gotten drinks with them. Did
Speaker 1: you see a couple of pitches? No, I'm literally saying
Speaker 1: shut out of my ask, Like I don't even know
Speaker 1: what that means. I took a couple I took a
Speaker 1: whole ball to found a couple off. Yeah, you had
Speaker 1: a full count. There are a couple of did you
Speaker 1: get tagged? You get tagged out? Center? Didn't swing on
Speaker 1: him because I wasn't swinging the us The purpose of
Speaker 1: the yeah, did you get sent home? Third base coach
Speaker 1: sending you anyways? That's gonna do it. For this week's
Speaker 1: episode of Help I Suck at Dating, Um, be sure
Speaker 1: to keep your eye on our Instagram. Jared and I
Speaker 1: are going to be conducting a suck Army beanie giveaway.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna want to miss it. We don't know
Speaker 1: exactly what we're gonna do, but we will be sure
Speaker 1: to outline the details. We're gonna do something. We're gonna
Speaker 1: do something that's the most important thing. We don't know.
Speaker 1: That's like that should be the name of this podcast.
Speaker 1: We don't know what we're doing. But we're doing something
Speaker 1: and that's the important thing, and we want you to
Speaker 1: at least pretend to care. Yeah, five star rating. I
Speaker 1: don't care if you hate us, love us, are indifferent.
Speaker 1: Just give us five stars. Yes please? Um, thank you
Speaker 1: guys for listening. Bachelor Valley finale is tonight. So so
Speaker 1: Peter's season is officially over probably by the time it's over,
Speaker 1: and then Claire's seasons right around the corner. Did you
Speaker 1: hear that apparently they're not going to film outside the
Speaker 1: States because the coronavirus. Really, Oh, we did, breaking news.
Speaker 1: It was so funny when you saw that because you
Speaker 1: were for like, it almost looked like it took ten
Speaker 1: seconds for it to click in your brain because you're like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, oh, breaking new. I think that was just
Speaker 1: him being like, how do I mimic or mock Tory? No,
Speaker 1: I would never mockulate. That's interesting about clear season all
Speaker 1: being in the US though, Yeah, I heard that. I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's confirmed or not. I mean, we
Speaker 1: all know the success of Peter season when they're like,
Speaker 1: we're going to Cleveland, Ohio. Chris Souls is only I
Speaker 1: could think of. They were like in Iowa and Illinois,
Speaker 1: and I think it's gonna be fine. There are many
Speaker 1: parts within the continental United States that are quite gorgeous,
Speaker 1: so they'll be fine. True. All right, Well, we're gonna
Speaker 1: um be ears to the ground for that, just to
Speaker 1: see what happens next, as we always are. Chili. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that sounds good. Um, we're gonna go eat some chili.
Speaker 1: We're going to next week, we're gonna have a great
Speaker 1: episode with contestant from Love Is Blind. You've probably seen
Speaker 1: that show. If you haven't, go check it out on Netflix.
Speaker 1: It's pretty captivating. We're gonna have one of the cast
Speaker 1: members from that show join us here in the studio
Speaker 1: for help. I sucre dating. Be sure to tune and then,
Speaker 1: because maybe we'll suck just a little bit less. Follow
Speaker 1: help by suck at rating on I Heart Radio or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to podcast HM