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Speaker 1: September marks a fresh start, not just for students, but

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Speaker 1: for all of us. It's a chance to reset, refocus,

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Speaker 1: and reconnect with what matters on my legacy. I few

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Speaker 1: guests have captured that spirit, and better than the one

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Speaker 1: and only Mail Robins. Here's some of her best advice

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Speaker 1: on overcoming procrastination, managing anxiety, and protecting your peace.

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Speaker 2: Mail, your career is rooted in reinvention and in resilience,

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Speaker 2: but you've also shared that you hit rock bottom and

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Speaker 2: that was your catalyst for change. Can you tell us

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Speaker 2: about that.

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Speaker 3: I screwed up a lot of stuff. I mean, I

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Speaker 3: had adhd in dyslexia and was not diagnosed till I

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Speaker 3: was forty seven. And when that happens to you, what

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Speaker 3: you develop is anxiety. And so I had a chronic

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Speaker 3: struggle with anxiety as a young mom. When Sawyer was born,

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Speaker 3: I had severe postpartum depression. I could barely even hold

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Speaker 3: her for the first three months of her life because

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Speaker 3: of the medication and the severity of what I was

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Speaker 3: dealing with, and it impacted our relationship. And when I

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Speaker 3: was forty one years old, I was sitting here listening

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Speaker 3: to Sawyer talking about the radio show, and I'm so

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Speaker 3: thrilled that she has a wonderful memory of it because

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Speaker 3: that was during a moment in time where my life

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Speaker 3: was falling apart. And when that happens to you, as

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Speaker 3: a parent, you do everything that you can to try

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Speaker 3: to shield the reality of what's happening from your children,

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Speaker 3: because that's not their burden to carry. And what was

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Speaker 3: happening for us is my husband had gone into the

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Speaker 3: restaurant business and it was really good until it wasn't.

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Speaker 3: And at the age of forty one with three kids

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Speaker 3: under the age of ten, so you know, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: have to do the math. You were under ten years old.

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Speaker 3: We were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt and leans

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Speaker 3: on the house, and I was rising to the moment

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Speaker 3: like a dysfunctional human being. I was drinking myself into

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Speaker 3: the ground. I was blaming everything on my husband, right

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Speaker 3: because he tried to do this and the simplest things

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Speaker 3: like getting out of bed, opening up bills, asking for help.

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Speaker 3: I couldn't make myself do any of it. And I

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Speaker 3: was the worst parent. I mean there were times where

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Speaker 3: she would come downstairs and this I know you do remember,

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Speaker 3: and she would find Chris and I a sleep in

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Speaker 3: the living room chair because we had passed out from Bourbon,

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Speaker 3: because we were trying to just suppress all the fear

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Speaker 3: because it was just so overwhelming. I mean, when you

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Speaker 3: can barely put gas in the tank and food on

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Speaker 3: the table, I mean, that's a cute level of stress.

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Speaker 3: And then you add on to it the sense that

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Speaker 3: you're failing your kids and you're about to lose everything.

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Speaker 3: And so for me, it was paralysis. And what happened is,

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Speaker 3: you know, I have learned from from people who are

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Speaker 3: first murdered that researched this. There's a saying in addiction

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Speaker 3: treatment and psychiatry that people only get sober when being

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Speaker 3: drunk is harder than facing the things that you're scared

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Speaker 3: to face. And what I've also learned about myself and

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Speaker 3: human beings in general, is people only change when they're

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Speaker 3: ready to change. And if somebody in your life is

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Speaker 3: not changing or they're exhibiting challenging behavior, it's typically because

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Speaker 3: they can't right now. There's some skill that's missing, there's

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Speaker 3: hope that's missing, and for me, that was a big one.

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Speaker 3: What was missing for me is this hope that anything

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Speaker 3: that I did would actually matter, because when your problems

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Speaker 3: feel that big, like, what happens is despair sets in

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Speaker 3: and it's very hard to motivate yourself when you feel

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Speaker 3: like it's not going to matter anyway. And that's how

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Speaker 3: I felt, and just.

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Speaker 2: A fall up question and what did anxiety mean to you?

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Speaker 3: And what does it mean to you today? So anxiety

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Speaker 3: then was this wave that would hit me and paralyze me.

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Speaker 3: Paralyzed me. It was like being nervous about something, but

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Speaker 3: then you can't turn the nerves off. And anxiety has

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Speaker 3: a purpose. I mean, if you and I are driving

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Speaker 3: down the road and a truck swerves in the lane,

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Speaker 3: your body floods with adrenaline, your heart starts to raise,

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Speaker 3: and you immediately turn the wheel. That's anxiety. It's an

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Speaker 3: alarm in your body, and it's playing an important role.

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Speaker 3: It signals you that there's something that you need to

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Speaker 3: pay attention to. Now I didn't understand that nobody does.

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Speaker 3: And so what I of course did is I would

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Speaker 3: feel these stressed out feelings and then I would go

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Speaker 3: up in my head and I would start to cycle, well,

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Speaker 3: what if this happens and what if that happens? And

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Speaker 3: when you do that you make it bigger and bigger

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Speaker 3: and bigger and bigger, and then it becomes not a feeling,

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Speaker 3: but it becomes the state in which you are going

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Speaker 3: through life. Because what happened for me is that alarm

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Speaker 3: would go off and I'd feel the wave of anxiety

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Speaker 3: because I'm eight hundred grand in debt. I basically like

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Speaker 3: feel like my life is about to implode. And so

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Speaker 3: what do I do? I rot in bed, I stare

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Speaker 3: at the ceiling. I think about all my problems. I

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Speaker 3: then hit the snooze button, which, by the way, is

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Speaker 3: making procrastination the first decision of your day. I mean,

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Speaker 3: I mean, how are you going to win in life

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Speaker 3: if your first decision is I think I'll just avoid

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Speaker 3: getting out of bed. And what happened is I would

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Speaker 3: literally hit the snooze button four or five times in

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Speaker 3: the morning, and then these guys would miss a bus.

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Speaker 3: You probably don't remember this, but then I would thank God,

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Speaker 3: and then I would come racing out of the bedroom

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Speaker 3: like a lunatic because they would be waking me up.

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Speaker 3: Bus would be gone. Chris was a very smart man.

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Speaker 3: He didn't want to be there when I woke up.

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Speaker 3: I mean, Martin, right, smart, and so you know, he

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Speaker 3: didn't want to be there when I got up, and

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Speaker 3: so they would be waking me up. And so now

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Speaker 3: I'm yelling at them because I am disconnected from here

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Speaker 3: because I don't understand what anxiety actually is and what

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Speaker 3: it isn't and I couldn't reconnect with myself and that's

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Speaker 3: also part of the neurology and the physiology of it.

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Speaker 3: But you can reconnect to yourself. And so they would

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Speaker 3: then miss a bus. Then that's just set my whole

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Speaker 3: day just down a complete wrong way. And so what

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Speaker 3: happened is I just got this idea that maybe if

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Speaker 3: I moved fast enough when the alarm rang, that I

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Speaker 3: could move fast enough and beat the anxiety. That maybe

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Speaker 3: if the alarm rang and I launched myself out of

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Speaker 3: bed like a rocket ship, like literally like NASA five

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Speaker 3: four three two one, that if I launched myself, maybe

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't be in that bed when the anxiety and

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Speaker 3: the depression and the overwhelm hit. And it worked. And

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Speaker 3: what it taught me, and this has been the thing

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Speaker 3: that has really defined a lot of my career, is

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Speaker 3: that you can build a skill in life where you

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Speaker 3: learn to not let your emotions and fears about things

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Speaker 3: dictate what you do. That you are not defined by

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Speaker 3: how you feel. You are not defined by your emotion

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Speaker 3: in the moment. I mean, if you really think about it,

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Speaker 3: you can't be courageous without fear. You can't display confidence

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Speaker 3: without self doubt.

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Speaker 1: One of the things that I say to our daughter

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Speaker 1: all the time is that courage is not the absence

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Speaker 1: of fear. It's when you do it anyway. Yes, So

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Speaker 1: it's not not feeling when we're talking about our grandparents,

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Speaker 1: so we're talking about taking a test, you know, like,

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Speaker 1: it's not Yolanda not feeling it. That that's not courage, right,

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Speaker 1: it's when we feel it and we do it anyway. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm curious, what was the what was that impetus to

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Speaker 1: make you even say to come up with the.

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Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, okay, this is so So it's like, okay,

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Speaker 3: so I was sitting in my living room and the

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Speaker 3: kids have gone to bed, and Chris again, smart man,

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Speaker 3: know where to be found. And have you ever had

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Speaker 3: a moment where you're giving yourself a pep talk? I mean,

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Speaker 3: that is a low moment. It's one thing if you're

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Speaker 3: giving me advice, but if you're having to talk to yourself. Right.

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Speaker 3: So I'm sitting there, I'm like, all right, that's it,

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Speaker 3: mel tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning, it's a new you. Tomorrow morning,

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Speaker 3: you're calling your parents and you're telling them what's happened.

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Speaker 3: Tomorrow morning. You're gonna start exercising. Tomorrow morning. You got

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Speaker 3: to look for a job. Well, I keep ticking off

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Speaker 3: the list and then I get to and by God,

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Speaker 3: tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, woman, you're not going

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Speaker 3: to lay there in bed like a human pot roast

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Speaker 3: marinating in fear. You are going to get up and

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Speaker 3: get those kids on that bus. And at that exact moment,

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Speaker 3: a rocket ship shot across the television screen at the

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Speaker 3: end of a commercial, and it gave me this hair

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Speaker 3: brain idea. That's it. It must be a sign from God.

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Speaker 3: Tomorrow morning, when the alarm rings, I'm just gonna launch

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Speaker 3: myself out of bed like a rocket ship. Now. I

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Speaker 3: had had four Bourbon Manhattan that night. That's probably you

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Speaker 3: know what also opened me up to it. But I

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Speaker 3: actually do believe it was divine intervention. There is no

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Speaker 3: other explanation because the idea is absurd. And the very

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Speaker 3: next morning, when the alarm ring. That's what I remembered,

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Speaker 3: and I tried it and it changed my life. And

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Speaker 3: it led to this belief that your one decision away

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Speaker 3: from a different life, that you still have to do

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Speaker 3: the work and five four three two one is going

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Speaker 3: to help you push through the work. But you know,

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Speaker 3: I remember when Soy turned to me and she was

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Speaker 3: in eighth grade, and she said, I'm going to go

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Speaker 3: back to Cambodia, like we had visited her grandmother who

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Speaker 3: were in seventh grade. Rather had she was as a widow.

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Speaker 3: My husband's mom went over to Cambodia and started to volunteer,

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Speaker 3: and we went over to visit her on Christmas. And

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Speaker 3: when we were leaving, so I was like, I'm going

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Speaker 3: to go back, and I'm like, okay, well that was

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Speaker 3: a pretty big vacation, and you know, I don't think

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Speaker 3: that's going to happen for it.

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Speaker 4: No.

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Speaker 3: She's like, no, no, no, I'm going back next year and

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Speaker 3: I'm going to teach in that school. And I was

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Speaker 3: like okay, and doubted her. But when I introduced her

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Speaker 3: to you, this is a woman of conviction. And maybe

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Speaker 3: it's also because of the distance that whether it was

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Speaker 3: because I was emotionally unavailable, or when we were struggling

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Speaker 3: and my career took off, like my ambition was largely

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Speaker 3: about paying bills, largely about getting the kids back into

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Speaker 3: town soccer, largely about restoring all of the savings that

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Speaker 3: we had blown. And so I think it also created

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Speaker 3: and sawyer this like I can't rely on you anyway,

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Speaker 3: and you can't tell me what to do because you're

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Speaker 3: not around either or you're not around emotionally, And so

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Speaker 3: it created this like, you know, I can do this

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Speaker 3: in her and I'll be darned. She went to the

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Speaker 3: principal of her school and she worked it out with them,

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Speaker 3: and that next year she went back and spent two

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Speaker 3: months living in Cambodia and took a leave of absence

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Speaker 3: from eighth grade. And it changed your life. And then

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Speaker 3: she said, I'm going to go do it again.

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Speaker 2: Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might tap

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Speaker 2: that button and stay connected to conversations that can't.

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Speaker 1: Now back to my legacy.

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Speaker 2: Meliger new book, the Let Them Theory. It encourages people

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Speaker 2: to just let control go over other people's choices. And

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Speaker 2: the part that I love is that you said it

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Speaker 2: helped to heal and fortify your relationship with your daughter.

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Speaker 2: Can you share both the theory and how it brought

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Speaker 2: you closer together?

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Speaker 3: Absolutely so. The let them theory is a simple mindset

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Speaker 3: tool that helps you identify literally in a moment, what's

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Speaker 3: in your control and what's not your control, and the

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Speaker 3: way that you use it is very simple. If you're

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Speaker 3: in a situation and some other person is stressing you

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Speaker 3: out or upsetting you or offending you, or you're worried

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Speaker 3: about them, or they're treating you poorly, you literally say

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Speaker 3: let them because the number one thing in light that

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Speaker 3: you will never, ever, ever ever be able to control

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Speaker 3: is another human being. You can't control what they think,

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Speaker 3: you can't control what they do. You cannot control how

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Speaker 3: they feel, period, and any psychologists will tell you that

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Speaker 3: any time that you spend trying to only makes you

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Speaker 3: feel more stressed, out, frustrated, and out of control and

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Speaker 3: the problem for all of us. And I didn't learn

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Speaker 3: this so I was fifty four years old. If I

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Speaker 3: had known this way back when, I would literally not

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Speaker 3: have been a walking red flag for most of my life.

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Speaker 3: I would not have taken my stress out of my family.

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Speaker 3: I would have been more peaceful and more powerful because

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Speaker 3: I had no idea how much power I'd given to

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Speaker 3: other people, and neither nobody does, because we don't understand

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Speaker 3: how we're turning other people into the problem. And I've

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Speaker 3: got very important and exciting information, and it says, if

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Speaker 3: you feel tired in life, if you are frustrated, if

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Speaker 3: you're stuck, if you're stressed out, if you feel like

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Speaker 3: you never have time for yourself, if you're just not

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Speaker 3: as happy as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you.

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Speaker 3: The problem is you're unknowingly giving power to other people,

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Speaker 3: and you do it in four ways. You allow them

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Speaker 3: to stress you out, yep, You worry about and you

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Speaker 3: manage what they're thinking. You navigate your life based on

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Speaker 3: their moods and their opinions and their disappointment and their

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Speaker 3: guilt and their expectations. And you paralyze yourself because you're

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Speaker 3: chronically comparing yourself to them and telling yourself that if

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Speaker 3: they're successful or they're this, then I can't have it,

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Speaker 3: and it's simply not true. And what they'll let them.

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Speaker 3: Theory does is that any situation that you're in and

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Speaker 3: you're going to use it with you of family, more

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Speaker 3: than anybody, because I think family teaches you how to

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Speaker 3: love people you hate. Sometimes you gotta let them because

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Speaker 3: you're not going to change them. And what you will

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Speaker 3: learn as you start to use this is people only

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Speaker 3: change when they feel like changing. People only change when

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Speaker 3: they're ready to change. People only change when they're ready

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Speaker 3: to do the hard work to change. And the other

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Speaker 3: piece that you have to embrace is that we think

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Speaker 3: worrying about or pressuring or judging or pushing people to

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Speaker 3: change motivates people to change. It's actually the opposite. If

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Speaker 3: you look at the wiring of a human being, everybody

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Speaker 3: has a fundamental need for control. When you're in control

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Speaker 3: of what you're thinking about, in your decisions and your

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Speaker 3: future and the environment that you're in, you actually feel safe.

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Speaker 3: And the problem is if Martin's doing something that is

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Speaker 3: worrying me. Now, his behavior is something I want to control.

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Speaker 3: But Martin has the same need to control his life

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Speaker 3: as I do. So when I start to push on

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Speaker 3: Martin or suggests that Martin should do this or should

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Speaker 3: do that, what does Martin do? Martin pushes back because

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Speaker 3: he needs to be in control. And I didn't realize

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Speaker 3: that I was creating so much unnecessary friction and frustration

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Speaker 3: and distance with people in my life. I didn't realize

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Speaker 3: how much time and energy I was losing, because you know,

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Speaker 3: let's just take a simple example. You're at the grocery

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Speaker 3: store and there's five people in front of you, and

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Speaker 3: there's one cashew. You've all been there, right, yes, And

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Speaker 3: immediately the stress rises up inside you, and then all

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Speaker 3: of a sudden you get agitated, and then you start

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Speaker 3: thinking why are they not calling it? And then you're

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Speaker 3: looking around, and then you start thinking you can run

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Speaker 3: the store better than any of them, right, And now

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Speaker 3: let's just stop and actually really look at what this is.

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Speaker 3: This is you giving power to something that you do

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Speaker 3: not control. And when you do that, a number of

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Speaker 3: things happen. Number one did you notice is the stress

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Speaker 3: goes up, your life force energy goes out. So you

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Speaker 3: are allowing stupid, meaningless, all kinds of irritating people that

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Speaker 3: are beneath you and not worth your time and energy.

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Speaker 3: You are allowing it to exhaust you and you don't

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Speaker 3: have to. And the solution is just to say let them,

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Speaker 3: and immediately you feel peace because what you're doing is

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Speaker 3: you're tapping into a tremendous, like I feel like I've

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Speaker 3: got everybody's ancestors with me. Because this is an application

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Speaker 3: of stoicism, of Buddhism, of radical acceptance, of detachment, theory

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Speaker 3: of literally not reacting and staying in your peace and

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Speaker 3: then something interesting happens. You say the second part, which

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Speaker 3: is let me, can you remind myself that in any situation,

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Speaker 3: I have power because there are three things I can control.

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Speaker 3: I can control what I think about. Next, I can

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Speaker 3: control what I do or I don't do. Because you

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Speaker 3: can leave the supermarket, you could if you never have

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Speaker 3: time to talk to your friends, you could pick up

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Speaker 3: the phone and call your friend or your grandma. You

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Speaker 3: could practice meditation, you could say a prayer. If you say,

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Speaker 3: let me and remind yourself that you have power, that right,

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Speaker 3: and so that's what it is.

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Speaker 1: And also you said still let you know all of

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Speaker 1: these different ancestors. Also this also is you're bringing in

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Speaker 1: the ancestor of Martin Luther King Junior in the whole

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Speaker 1: civil rights movement. Yes, because I think what people also

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Speaker 1: forget is that, you know, they just see kind of

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Speaker 1: one one step of you know, civil disobedience is just

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Speaker 1: one step in the process. But before, when you're talking

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Speaker 1: about lunch counters, you're talking about the free Yes, they

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Speaker 1: were they trained, Yes, you know they didn't just go

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Speaker 1: and you know and so and non reactive. Yes, and

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Speaker 1: it was a lot of what exactly that you're talking

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Speaker 1: about and let them Like this is like they're going

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Speaker 1: to do this. Yes, I you know, I choose, I

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Speaker 1: choose how then I will respond to that. And what

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Speaker 1: I also think is important is like you have to

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Speaker 1: it is training. Yes, it is is you know, you

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Speaker 1: have to think about it and you have to.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it is disciplined. And here's the other thing it

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Speaker 3: is because a lot of people hear this and then

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Speaker 3: they'll say, wait, you're just allowing people to walk all

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Speaker 3: over you. You're allowing people to abuse you. And I'm like,

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Speaker 3: oh no, it's the opposite, because you're actually allowing it.

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Speaker 3: Now when you say let them, it's almost like you're

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Speaker 3: allowing it without allowing it, because you're saying, I see

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Speaker 3: the reality here, and I see that I can't control this,

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Speaker 3: and so I choose my response because I know I

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Speaker 3: do have power. And oftentimes the best response is no response.

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Speaker 3: The best response is peace. And we give too much

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Speaker 3: energy and too much fear into things we can't control,

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Speaker 3: and in doing so, we blind ourselves to the fact

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Speaker 3: that you always have control. And whether you're talking about

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Speaker 3: a family dynamic, or you're talking about a community, or

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Speaker 3: you're talking about a world at large, I see. I

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Speaker 3: find it just so sad and fascinating that we always

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Speaker 3: let the most challenging and toxic behavior seem to get

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Speaker 3: all the power. But I actually think the opposite is true.

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Speaker 3: I believe that the person that is peaceful, I believe

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Speaker 3: that the person that understands their power. I believe the

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Speaker 3: person who actually constantly reminds themselves wait a minute, I

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Speaker 3: have power here because I have power over my thoughts.

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Speaker 3: I have power over my actions. I have power over

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Speaker 3: how I allow my emotions to rise and fall. And

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Speaker 3: it's inside that power that any single person can change

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Speaker 3: something for the better. And you know that's.

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Speaker 1: What because you're responding and not reacting. Yes, and responding

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Speaker 1: is when you come from a place of power.

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Speaker 3: Yes. And it's also how you take personal responsibility. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: let's talk about responsibility, because the word responsibility is just

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Speaker 3: the ability to respond and everybody has that. And so

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Speaker 3: when you really remind yourself of that now you can

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Speaker 3: be the person that changes everything, because it just takes

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Speaker 3: one person to change the energy and dynamic in a family.

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Speaker 3: It takes one person who cares enough to change the

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Speaker 3: politics in a country. It takes one person to just

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Speaker 3: shift everything. And if you don't like where you're at,

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Speaker 3: or you don't like where your family's at, or you

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Speaker 3: don't like something in a relationship, or you don't like

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Speaker 3: something in the world at large, that one person is you.

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Speaker 3: And as long as you give your time and energy,

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Speaker 3: and you give other people power, their opinions, all of it,

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Speaker 3: none of what you can throw. You are not present

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Speaker 3: to the power you actually have and the time and

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Speaker 3: the energy that you need to create the change that

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Speaker 3: you're capable of change.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for joining us. If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share,

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Speaker 4: and follow us on at my Legacy Movement on social

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Speaker 4: media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday, with bonus

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Speaker 4: content every Thursday. At its core, this podcast honors doctor

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Speaker 4: King's vision of the beloved community and the power of connection.

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Speaker 4: A Legacy Plus studio production distributed by iHeartMedia creator and

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Speaker 4: executive producer Suzanne Hayward Come Executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen

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Speaker 4: on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you get your podcasts.