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Speaker 1: This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast

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Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 2: Hello, everyone, welcome to an episode of Almost Good Advice.

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Speaker 2: It's Ashley here and I'm here with the advice Master

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Speaker 2: Ben Higgins. We have three questions from Almost Famous listeners

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Speaker 2: this week, and they are as usual, Well, they're hard

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Speaker 2: questions and I know that Ben Higgins, with maybe a

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Speaker 2: little bit of my advice, are going to get you

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Speaker 2: through these issues. Yeah, today's issues are very they're not

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Speaker 2: really specific to these people. They're kind of questions that

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Speaker 2: everyone's going to experience in life.

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Speaker 3: That's great, well, and that's why we do this. We

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Speaker 3: do this so that if you're listening, if you're driving

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Speaker 3: to work, if you're sitting at home, whatever you're doing,

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Speaker 3: you're listening and you can hear maybe some stories that

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Speaker 3: you can relate with to feel less alone. So let's

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Speaker 3: dive into it. Sarah has the first. How can I

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Speaker 3: ask my friend for money they borrowed from me? Here

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Speaker 3: is the story. I sent my friend two hundred dollars

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Speaker 3: last month as they didn't have any money left, and

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Speaker 3: they got paid, but I guess they forgot about paying

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Speaker 3: me back and I didn't say anything because I feel

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Speaker 3: bad as I also got paid that day, so I

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Speaker 3: was planning it on, asking soon if they could send

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Speaker 3: me it back because I'm sure on money. But today

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Speaker 3: they told me that they won't be getting any more

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Speaker 3: money anymore as the government gives them it. So I'm

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Speaker 3: not sure what to do now. But I really need

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Speaker 3: this money as it is four hours of work for

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Speaker 3: me and I'm moving out soon. How do I approach this?

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Speaker 3: Have you ever dealt with something like this?

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Speaker 2: No? I have actually not dealt with something like this

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Speaker 2: because it sounds like your friend might be on unemployment

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Speaker 2: or something because you're saying that she or he is

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Speaker 2: getting money from the government. I have been in a

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Speaker 2: situation that's been really frustrating where a friend owes me

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Speaker 2: money and then they don't pay me back, and then

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Speaker 2: I then they come and they show me all their

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Speaker 2: new outfits that they got, or they tell me about

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Speaker 2: these concert tickets that they spend money on or trip

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Speaker 2: that they're going on, and I'm like, Okay, this is

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Speaker 2: so frustrating because you didn't give me back. Let's just

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Speaker 2: say two hundred dollars because like that's usually what it'll be, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, that's kind of the amount that'll like really

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Speaker 2: annoy you. Normally I would say you ask you just

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Speaker 2: like say, hey, is there any chance that I can

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Speaker 2: get that money that I let you? You ask once

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Speaker 2: and then I don't know, is this super super bad?

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Speaker 2: But can you VENMO request them? That's like kind of

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Speaker 2: the second chance. And then after that, I don't know

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Speaker 2: what you do. Then you just might have to linger

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Speaker 2: and live in frustration and just say you can't do

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Speaker 2: it again and it's a loss.

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Speaker 3: Then well, I think, like most things, it's all about framing.

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Speaker 3: You took a leap of trust by giving your friend

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Speaker 3: two hundred dollars, and this two hundred dollars means a

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Speaker 3: lot to you, probably meant a lot to your friend,

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Speaker 3: and so that was an act of trust. And I

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Speaker 3: think when you now confront this situation, it is still

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Speaker 3: communicating that it was an act of trust. And I

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Speaker 3: think the trust now is being broken or it's at

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Speaker 3: least weakening. And so when you, I mean, obviously the

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Speaker 3: answer here is you have to ask. You know, maybe

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Speaker 3: it's as simple as they forgot and that could happen, right,

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Speaker 3: it does happen, but you have to ask. This is

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Speaker 3: I am in a belief that your debts are always paid.

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Speaker 3: This is not a worldwide feel like we or I

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Speaker 3: at least and our family unit. Here we want to

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Speaker 3: walk through life taking advantage of the gifts of others

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Speaker 3: or even institutions. So we pay our debts. I pay

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Speaker 3: my debts on the golf course. I pay my debts

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Speaker 3: to my friends when we go out to dinner. I

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Speaker 3: pay my debts to the bank, I pay my debts

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Speaker 3: for the house. All these things I pay my debts on.

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Speaker 3: That is a rule in our life, and so we

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Speaker 3: don't overextend. It also helps us budget. So, Sarah, what

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Speaker 3: you have to do is tell your friend, hey, reminder

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Speaker 3: that two hundred dollars I gave you that's really important

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Speaker 3: to me. Leave it there. See if they pay a back,

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Speaker 3: maybe they say I forgot oh yeah, here it is.

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Speaker 3: If they don't, then you have to fall up and say, hey, friend,

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Speaker 3: I did this because I trust you. Now. I don't

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Speaker 3: want this trust to be broken in our friendship, because

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Speaker 3: once trust is broken in a friendship, a lot of

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Speaker 3: bad things come. And I care about you as a friend.

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Speaker 3: So and this two hundred dollars means a lot to me.

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Speaker 3: Can you please pay me back or here's another option.

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Speaker 3: I understand you're in a tough situation right now, or

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Speaker 3: the government or whoever is not giving you more money.

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Speaker 3: Can we get a good plan in place to get

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Speaker 3: this money paid back. Maybe you give me twenty dollars

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Speaker 3: a week now for the next you know, ten weeks.

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Speaker 3: Maybe you pay me fifty dollars a month for the

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Speaker 3: next four months. I'll work with you to get this

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Speaker 3: money back. But I want our trust to like sustain,

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Speaker 3: and this is a moment where I feel like it

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Speaker 3: could be broken, and I don't want that.

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Speaker 2: Ben. So, has there ever been a time where you

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Speaker 2: lent a friend money and they didn't pay it back.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but usually it's because they forgot it's you know,

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Speaker 3: it's unique in this situation where it sounds like a

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Speaker 3: lack of funds available. In those situations, like because of

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Speaker 3: my and most of my close friends would know that,

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Speaker 3: I very much believe in any any debts owede. I've

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Speaker 3: strongly believe that they are paid, and I have no

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Speaker 3: problem collecting on those debts if we've agreed to that.

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Speaker 3: So it's usually just a tax, like, hey, where's my money,

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Speaker 3: tuner box. It's not coming out of anger. I'm not

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Speaker 3: mad at them at all. It's just like, hey, I

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Speaker 3: we said this, and I'll I need to pay it back.

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Speaker 2: See, I won't like lend a friend money. But if

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Speaker 2: I'm the one who's like, hey, I'll buy the tickets

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Speaker 2: for the concert, and everybody just venmo me, that's the

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Speaker 2: way it goes about. I don't just get lending a

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Speaker 2: friend money. And it's not like a trade. Situation sounds

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Speaker 2: like a trade. I mean, like you know, like you

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Speaker 2: buy something for somebody then say like, just spend on me.

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Speaker 2: It seems dangerous and oh.

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Speaker 3: It's a kind act. I mean, it's nice. If I've

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Speaker 3: I've lent my friends money before when they've needed it.

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Speaker 3: I'm sure I've asked maybe for money when I've needed it.

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Speaker 3: I think it's a it is a very friend that

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Speaker 3: now I would be hesitant. Again, there's always that warning

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Speaker 3: of make sure you know what you're doing and who

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Speaker 3: you're doing it with. But I'm imagining that Sarah had

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Speaker 3: no doubt that this friend would pay it back. But

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Speaker 3: you know, it's sometimes what friends are for. It's sometimes

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Speaker 3: the best option to get support and help in times

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Speaker 3: that you need it. It's not a bad thing to do.

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Speaker 3: I don't advise on doing it at large levels or

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Speaker 3: with people that are, you know, showing a sign of distrust.

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Speaker 3: But it's not uncommon. It's just something now, Sarah, where

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Speaker 3: you are a debt collector, and because you have a

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Speaker 3: close friendship, you can now collect this debt in a kind, considerate,

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Speaker 3: caring way with at the same time giving options that

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Speaker 3: might be more helpful or more your friend might be

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Speaker 3: able to fulfill easier. And I think that is a

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Speaker 3: good way to enter into it. Say I'll work with you,

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Speaker 3: but hey, I give you this money and I would

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Speaker 3: like it back. That's fair, nothing wrong with that. Go

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Speaker 3: for it. Have confidence.

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Speaker 2: It is fair, okay, So have confidence in its Sarah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Anonymous says this how to break up with someone

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Speaker 3: who this is some one I'm not going to be

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Speaker 3: good at. Never get at this. My friend says, I'm

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Speaker 3: being gaslighted, but I think she just treats me badly,

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Speaker 3: if that makes sense. For reference, I am twenty one

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Speaker 3: and a male. She is the same age. She ends

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Speaker 3: the call suddenly when I say I love you, and

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Speaker 3: if she says I love you, I have to say

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Speaker 3: it back every time, which she does not do. She

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Speaker 3: always is hot and cold, hot when I don't give

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Speaker 3: her attention, cold when I talk to her. I want

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Speaker 3: to break up with her, but I'm not sure what

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Speaker 3: to say. This is my first time, he says. I

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Speaker 3: feel like, ben An.

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Speaker 2: I feel like Ashley would have not so great advice,

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Speaker 2: considering she's only broken up with one person and it

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Speaker 2: was short term enough that I didn't think it was

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Speaker 2: I mean, it weighs heavy on you when you're about

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Speaker 2: to do it, and the dread is awful. The dread

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Speaker 2: is awful, The dreads the worst part, and then once

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Speaker 2: you do it, you'll like cry, but then like a

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Speaker 2: part of it are relief tears because it's just off

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Speaker 2: your shoulders. This girl. I mean, I'm glad that you're

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Speaker 2: breaking up with this girl because it sounds like she

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Speaker 2: you know, you don't need this in your life. But

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Speaker 2: ben so, what is your advice? I just like to

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Speaker 2: go with what Wells said. Wells said one thing, and

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Speaker 2: it always has stuck with me. And then of course

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Speaker 2: it's dependent on the situation and the length of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: But the just.

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Speaker 2: You're you know, like I like you, like you're a

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Speaker 2: great person, but you're just not my person, Like you're

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Speaker 2: just not my long term person, and then you kind

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Speaker 2: of can't switch it. You can't really work your way

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Speaker 2: out of that, you know, when you're the person that's

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Speaker 2: being broken up with.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not not true. Yeah, okay, I actually can

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Speaker 3: do this. First off, buddy, you're not alone. Breaking up

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Speaker 3: is really hard. As Ashley was saying, there's dread, there's confusion,

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Speaker 3: there's questioning, am I making the right decision or not.

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Speaker 3: There's a lot of anxiety, And so if you're feeling

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Speaker 3: any of those things at all, you're not alone. Just

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Speaker 3: know that I felt that way, that Ashley has felt

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Speaker 3: that way, and millions of other people on this earth,

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Speaker 3: as we've gone through a dating journey, have felt that way.

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Speaker 3: So you're totally normal. It's totally fine if you're feeling that,

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Speaker 3: if you're questioning all these things. Breaking up is even

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Speaker 3: more difficult when you have a partner who's manipulative. And

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Speaker 3: from everything you're saying here, your partner is manipulating you.

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Speaker 3: They are making you chase, they are keeping you on

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Speaker 3: your toes, they are intentionally keeping you questioning things, and

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Speaker 3: in those moments with that in the relationship, breaking up

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Speaker 3: is even harder because you're questioning everything even more, and

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Speaker 3: you're probably going to receive some type of feedback once

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Speaker 3: you break up with her, where it makes you feel

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Speaker 3: about an inch tall, like it's going to make you

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Speaker 3: feel really small. It's going to make you hurt really bad,

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Speaker 3: and you just have to almost expect that and work

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Speaker 3: through it. So here's what I would do. Here's what

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Speaker 3: I would say. My advice for anybody that asked me,

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Speaker 3: how do you break up well? Is you never break

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Speaker 3: up well? Like very The breaking up well typically comes

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Speaker 3: from either a mutual conversation that it doesn't sound like

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Speaker 3: you're going to be able to have, or time. So

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Speaker 3: sometimes breakups, like I am friends with some of my exes,

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Speaker 3: not all of them, but some of them like friends,

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Speaker 3: like I care about them deeply. I want to see

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Speaker 3: them thrive, I want to see their life go on

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Speaker 3: in a great way. I want to support them well,

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Speaker 3: and they do the same to me. That's because, well,

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Speaker 3: one we watched our words that were said when we

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Speaker 3: were breaking up. We both knew it was for the

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Speaker 3: best that we broke up, and time healed, and so

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Speaker 3: as we went on, we don't have these memories of

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Speaker 3: one of us saying to the other Hey, you suck,

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Speaker 3: or you're a terrible person, or you don't deserve to

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Speaker 3: do X y Z, you don't deserve love. No, we

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Speaker 3: said respectful things. We sometimes bit our tongue because we were

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Speaker 3: maybe angry or hurt in the moment. And over time

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Speaker 3: then maybe we reconnected and say, hey, this season of

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Speaker 3: life that we shared together, that was a really great season.

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Speaker 3: And there was a reason that we dated. There is

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Speaker 3: a reason we were attracted to each other. It wasn't forever,

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Speaker 3: but you added so much benefit to my life. And

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Speaker 3: so now you know what. We can be friends, not

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Speaker 3: close friends. They're not my closest confidence, but I care

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Speaker 3: about them hopefully they care about me. So my first

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Speaker 3: advice to you is, even if you're hurt, even if

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Speaker 3: she is saying words back to you that are super

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Speaker 3: hurtful for you personally, bite your tongue. Don't say too

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Speaker 3: much in this moment. The best breakups, the best way

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Speaker 3: to break up is to rip the band aid off.

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Speaker 3: It is short, it is sweet, it is to the point,

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Speaker 3: and then you figure out how to move on. And

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Speaker 3: the moving on part is more of a personal journey.

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Speaker 3: You're gonna do that alone. You're gonna do that away.

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Speaker 3: It might bring some tears, it might bring some loneliness.

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Speaker 3: You might still have that feeling of, oh, I want

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Speaker 3: to check her Instagram or I want to text her

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Speaker 3: today or call her or see what she's doing. You

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Speaker 3: might feel all those things, and you're gonna have to

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Speaker 3: deal with those things personally. That's a whole different topic.

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Speaker 3: But the best way to break up is it's quick.

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Speaker 3: It's to the point, it's not personal. It doesn't use words.

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Speaker 3: They're going to last in hurt and be remembered upon.

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Speaker 3: It's gonna say, hey, as Ashley said, I am not

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Speaker 3: my best person in this relationship. I don't know how

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Speaker 3: you feel about yourself, but I know I don't feel

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Speaker 3: like I am my best version of myself in this relationship.

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Speaker 3: And as a result, like I've thought about it a lot,

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Speaker 3: and because I'm not my best, you're not the right

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Speaker 3: person for me, and I'm not the right person for

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Speaker 3: you at this time in our life, and so we

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Speaker 3: need to break up, like we need, we need to

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Speaker 3: move on, and that's it. And then let all the

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Speaker 3: words start firing. Maybe some questions get asked that you

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Speaker 3: can try to answer again in a short and sweet way.

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Speaker 3: But if you're really feeling this like tug, like we

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Speaker 3: got it in this relationship. I can't be in this

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Speaker 3: relationship any longer. You're gonna have to start this conversation

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Speaker 3: in the midst of dread and anxiety and pain and

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Speaker 3: her and confusion, and just get those words out and

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Speaker 3: then as soon as you can't, hang up that phone

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Speaker 3: and move on.

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Speaker 2: There you go. It's good advice, Ben, that's not almost

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Speaker 2: good advice. That's good advice.

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Speaker 3: I hate it. I hate breaking up, I do, but

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Speaker 3: it is. You know what, there is a good there's

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Speaker 3: a better way to do it. That there's not a

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Speaker 3: right way to do it, but there's a better way.

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Speaker 3: And the better way is short and sweeten to the point. Ashley,

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Speaker 3: we got a final question here.

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Speaker 1: M hm.

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Speaker 3: It's from anonymous again says I think my friend's girlfriend

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Speaker 3: is cheating on him. I don't know how to let

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Speaker 3: him know this. So my friend is a twenty three

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Speaker 3: year old guy and as in a relationship with a

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Speaker 3: college mate for one year before they started doing long distance.

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Speaker 3: It's been four months since they have been doing long distance.

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Speaker 3: For the past the girl hasn't been calling him at all,

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Speaker 3: and all the text seem to be very one sided.

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Speaker 3: It's mostly just her replying to his messages and not

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Speaker 3: initiating conversations. He did confront her about this, and she

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Speaker 3: told him that nothing is going well for her in

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Speaker 3: her work and in her family, so she's solving one

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Speaker 3: thing at a time and this is tying her out.

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Speaker 3: But what made me feel fishy is that almost every

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Speaker 3: day she goes out, she tells him it's either a

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Speaker 3: colleague or a mutual friend, but we don't know for sure.

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Speaker 3: She tells him that since they drop her back to

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Speaker 3: her place, she is saving money on transportation, and so

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Speaker 3: she doesn't mind spending time with him, even one hundred

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Speaker 3: days off. She doesn't call him. Instead, she goes out

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Speaker 3: with someone. I have a fishy feeling that she might

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Speaker 3: be cheating on him, but I'm unable to tell him this.

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Speaker 2: We are also unable to prove that that is the case.

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Speaker 2: So you might be coming up with this just you

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Speaker 2: might just be fabricating this in your head. But you

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Speaker 2: are being open with the friend enough that you know

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Speaker 2: that he confronted her about this situation. The one sidedness

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Speaker 2: and her just seeming not to be initiating, you know,

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Speaker 2: her not being initiating of things. So if you guys

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Speaker 2: are like having chats about the girlfriend and the fact

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Speaker 2: that things aren't going super swimmingly, you can just say,

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Speaker 2: has it crossed your mind that maybe there's somebody else?

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Speaker 2: You don't say that she's cheating on you, but you

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Speaker 2: think that there could be someone else that she's interested in,

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Speaker 2: And then you put it into his hands and he

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Speaker 2: can do the detective work. He can do the prying

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Speaker 2: in conversation with her.

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Speaker 3: Well, one, I think maybe you don't even approach that

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Speaker 3: the fact or the idea that she's cheating on him.

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Speaker 3: I think the conversation here is like, your friend is

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Speaker 3: in a very unhealthy relationship. He is not getting what

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Speaker 3: he needs out of this relationship. For her to say

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Speaker 3: that she's dealing with one thing at a time is fair.

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Speaker 3: I'm good for her. She's doing what's you know, what

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Speaker 3: she needs. However, the question there is when you enter

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Speaker 3: into a committed romantic relationship, it is a priority in

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Speaker 3: your life. You were saying, I have the space, the time,

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Speaker 3: the effort, and the desire to pay attention to this relationship. Now,

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Speaker 3: every couple has their own different dance. You know, some

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Speaker 3: couples need to talk all the time. Some couples need

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Speaker 3: to talk once a day, Some couples need to just

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Speaker 3: like check in on each other. Whatever. If you're doing

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Speaker 3: long distance, you know, I did a long distance for

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Speaker 3: three years. We had our own dance and our own

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Speaker 3: way of going about things. However, the focus, because we

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Speaker 3: both cared about each other, was still how is like,

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Speaker 3: how are we keeping this relationship healthy? How we keeping alive?

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Speaker 3: What does Jessica need? Was a question I'd ask myself.

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Speaker 3: She'd probably ask herself the same question. What has been

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Speaker 3: need from me today? Does he need me to call

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Speaker 3: him five times?

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Speaker 1: Maybe?

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Speaker 3: Maybe not. Maybe he just needs me to check in

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Speaker 3: on a night, Maybe he needs a text because he's

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Speaker 3: been in meetings all day, whatever that may be. When

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Speaker 3: you're in a relationship, it is a priority. It is

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Speaker 3: a focus, and you are spending intentional time thinking about

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Speaker 3: in order to keep this relationship alive. Now, this is

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Speaker 3: all given with the idea that you care to keep

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Speaker 3: this relationship alive. As soon as someone stops caring about

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Speaker 3: keeping the relationship alive, the intention in the pursuit is gone.

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Speaker 3: And it sounds like this girl's intention in pursuit is gone.

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Speaker 3: So talk to everybody about that. Don't talk to about

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Speaker 3: what you think could be happening. Talk to him what

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Speaker 3: about what actually is happening, which is that she's distant,

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Speaker 3: she's not putting effort in.

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Speaker 2: I have to laugh because, like, your advice is so

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Speaker 2: much more thought out and just so much more intelligent

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Speaker 2: than mine. Yeah, get to the root of the problem

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Speaker 2: is not is not her possibly cheating, it's that she's

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Speaker 2: just not being a good partner at all.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and bring that up and say, hey, I care

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Speaker 3: about you, buddy. I want to see you find somebody

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Speaker 3: that like it, you know, desires you as much as

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Speaker 3: you desire them. And in this what I'm seeing is

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Speaker 3: that she doesn't desire you, or that she's distant from you.

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Speaker 3: How are And then the court then, instead of going

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Speaker 3: on and on about what you think, the best question

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Speaker 3: is how are you feeling in this relationship? Friend? Like,

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Speaker 3: how are you feeling? Talk to me about it? I

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Speaker 3: want to be here for you.

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Speaker 2: I think that perhaps she's trying to fade him out.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't say it's straight ghosting, because she's not ghosting,

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Speaker 2: but she's thinking, oh, I'm in a long distance relationship.

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Speaker 2: If I don't show like a ton of initiation, then

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Speaker 2: maybe he'll break up with me instead of me having

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Speaker 2: to break up with him. And like we just said,

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Speaker 2: breakups really suck. Being the person breaking up with the

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Speaker 2: other sometimes can be worse. And if you're not having

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Speaker 2: to see each other face to face, sometimes it's easier

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Speaker 2: to be the one who is open up with And

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Speaker 2: maybe she's just trying to make that situation work out

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Speaker 2: for her.

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Speaker 3: It's almost good advice With Ashley and Ben. We're here

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Speaker 3: to talk to you about all of your problems, anything

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Speaker 3: happening in the world. But if it comes to finance, relationships, dating, friendships, work,

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Speaker 3: I don't know what else. What else is life? Hobbies?

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Speaker 3: How do you get better at golf? I could talk

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Speaker 3: to you about that for four hours. You want me

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Speaker 3: to do that, just give me a call. Hey, We're

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Speaker 3: always here to listen. We're always here to try and help.

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Speaker 3: Can't promise the best advice, but we can promise almost

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Speaker 3: good advice. So until next time, I've been Ben.

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Speaker 2: I've been Ashley. See you guys.

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Speaker 1: Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcasts on

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Speaker 1: iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.