WEBVTT - Breaking Bad Relational Patterns (Donald Miller) 0:00:01.560 --> 0:00:02.840 Hey, this is Stephen Ferdick. 0:00:02.840 --> 0:00:05.840 I'm the pastor of Elevation Church and this is our podcast. 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:07.800 I wanted to thank you for joining us today. 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:10.719 Hope this inspires you. Hope it builds your faith. 0:00:10.800 --> 0:00:12.880 Hope it gives your perspective to see God is moving 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:13.440 in your life. 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:16.640 Enjoy the message. 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:21.960 I am here with New York Times bestselling author Don Miller. 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:29.080 Entrepreneur Don Miller, husband Don Miller. I loved the book 0:00:29.120 --> 0:00:29.800 Scary Close. 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:30.440 Thank you. 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:35.680 In fact, I read this book two times, and second 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:38.600 time reading it it was just as powerful as the 0:00:38.640 --> 0:00:41.239 first time, and I thought it would be cool for 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:43.960 us to talk about some of the things that you 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:46.920 said in the book that resonated so deeply with me 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:48.080 about intimacy. 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:49.479 Well, the book is about intimacy. 0:00:49.560 --> 0:00:52.360 Yeah, it's about the fear of, the overcoming the fear of, 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:54.120 and the challenges to have intimacy. 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:56.360 And you kind of talk about the enemies through the 0:00:56.440 --> 0:01:01.080 lens of your own crisis of intimate See. Yeah, So 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:02.840 I love how you start the book. You're such a 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:05.319 vulnerable author. You know, I've told you I love your books, 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:07.800 and I like how right at the beginning of the 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:10.320 book you're in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. Right, 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:14.039 And you say I had to deal with my hang 0:01:14.120 --> 0:01:16.360 ups or whatever you call them, you basically had to 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:19.240 deal with your dysfunction. So take us into that moment. 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:22.240 So I got married at forty two, was never married before, 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:26.840 dated a bunch and had some great dating relationships and 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:30.240 some that were just no good. And they were no good. 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:34.119 Really my fault. I had this pattern that I would 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:36.440 date a gal. I would basically kind of come in 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:39.600 as the rescuer kind of guy. And there's this triangle 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:43.240 that psychologists talk about that rescuers are attracted to victims, 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:45.119 but then when they get into relationships with them, they 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.960 resent them, and then they begin to get angry because 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:50.400 they resent the factor in a relationship with a victim, 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:52.480 and so they begin to oppress them, which further makes 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:55.160 them a victim. It's a really weird loop that people 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:57.480 can get into. And I found myself into that a 0:01:57.520 --> 0:01:59.760 couple times. And the last time I was in that, 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:02.840 in my late thirties, I broke off an engagement. I'd 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:04.720 taken it so far that we had gotten engaged and 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:09.040 then got out of it and great gal, but it 0:02:09.160 --> 0:02:11.840 was probably the most damage that I'd caused sort of 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:15.840 someone emotionally and had some friends just coming and say, man, 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:18.560 you know, had good enough friends that they would come 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:21.360 to me and say, this is a pattern, and you. 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:22.320 Got to figure this out. 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:24.760 And so I kind of went into a dark place, thought, 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:27.000 all right, I'm never gonna get married, I'm bad for people, 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:28.960 and blah blah blah and all that kind of stuff. 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:31.959 And my buddy Bob would call me every once in 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:33.200 a while and he would just remind me, you know, 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:35.840 you're actually good at relationships. Think about this one, think 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.160 about you know, your friendships. You're good at it. You 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:40.359 just got to figure this thing out. And he kind 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:43.680 of helped me through this season of you know, just 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:46.680 in relationship because my career was going great and you know, 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:49.360 these weren't like moral failing kind of stuff, you know, 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:52.800 it was just it was just like codependency and all 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:56.480 this stuff that I even know existed. And ended up 0:02:56.520 --> 0:02:59.320 at a place called on Site Workshops, which is a 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.760 it's a it's kind of a therapeutic retreat center outside 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.840 of Nashville, about an hour outside of Nashville, and in 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.639 seven days you're supposed to get nine months of therapy 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:11.280 and all my songwriter friends loved going there and helped 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:12.080 them with their career. 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:14.360 And I thought, well, I'll go. And it was eye opening. 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:17.160 I mean, they explained so many of the things, the 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:20.120 patterns that I had in my relationships that were causing 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:23.280 dysfunction and causing her pain and me pain, and. 0:03:24.760 --> 0:03:27.639 Came out of there. And it's not like I was fixed. 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:29.800 But I knew I knew what was wrong and could 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:35.120 start building healthier relationships. And then right after that, and 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:37.920 not right of that, about a year after that, Betsy 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:41.760 and I met, and I was scared to death because 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:45.280 I thought, you know, I really liked this girl. I 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:48.160 really do feel different. I feel like I've healed a 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:50.000 lot and transformed and changed. 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:51.440 But I don't know. 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:55.040 If I just I hope it's true. I hope I 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:57.440 don't blow this one too. And we kept getting to 0:03:57.520 --> 0:03:59.520 know each other. She's this really healthy, amazing gal, and 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:01.840 start of dating, and I moved to d C for 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.680 about eight months to court her if you will or whatever, 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.640 and and just it never became dramatic, and I'm like, wow, 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.680 it's possible, like you can actually transform as a human being. 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:15.280 And so it came time to write another book, The 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.840 publisher was kind of calling me and saying, what's it going. 0:04:17.760 --> 0:04:18.039 To be on? 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:22.520 I thought, I think I'll start with this falling apart 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:23.200 and end. 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:25.320 With this wedding, and you know. 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:28.800 That's a beautiful story, and so that's what that's what 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:29.920 the book has come out of. 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:31.760 I mean, did you really get to a point of 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:32.520 thinking I am. 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:33.880 Bad for people? Yes? 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:38.040 Yeah, I think there's you know, some of it was 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:41.599 stuff that I needed to work on, you know, stuff 0:04:41.600 --> 0:04:45.320 that you know, not bad for people, but bad in 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:49.320 this context of relationships. Something's going on and I'm not 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:52.719 I'm not leaving these people better than I found them. 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:55.159 Is that because you're so good at being on a 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:57.120 stage or writing? 0:04:57.400 --> 0:04:59.200 Was it hard for you to Yeah. 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:04.279 There's a little bit of my personality that that you know, 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:09.839 you know, I really pride myself on being authentic and vulnerable, 0:05:10.640 --> 0:05:13.480 and I realized that part of me priding myself on 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:16.160 being authentic and vulnerable was going into a cabin for 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:18.400 six weeks and writing something that made me look very 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:19.400 authentic and vulnerable. 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:21.919 Well, that's the least authentic in the world. 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:23.280 That's actings. 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:25.320 You're acting like you're not an. 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:29.040 Actor, A vulnerable vulnerability. 0:05:28.520 --> 0:05:29.760 I want to say it like a preacher. 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:33.240 So but anytime we're hiding anything, it's all about fear, 0:05:33.800 --> 0:05:36.440 fear of being owned, fear of being rejected, fear of 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:39.640 all that kind of stuff. And that's all intimacy is. 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:44.680 It's just is trusting somebody else to hopefully not hurt you. 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:48.479 That's all it is. And fear of intimacy is just 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:52.920 like that person could hurt me. And so I had 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:56.080 to learn not to do that. And Betsy proved to 0:05:56.080 --> 0:06:00.839 be the most amazing companion. And I mean the first 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:03.040 time we went out, I laid it all out. Can 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:06.440 you imagine like the very first you know, date, if 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:08.680 you will, You're like, yeah, I just got out of 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.760 like psychological rehab because I've wreacked so many girls' lives 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:13.880 and it's been really hard. And I told myself it 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:16.680 wouldn't date for six months, and now six months is 0:06:16.720 --> 0:06:18.080 over and I'd love to date you. 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:22.240 What kind of I think, excused herself. Betsy sounds like 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.120 a special Betsy had been It. 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.599 Was such like guys who would never say that. She thought, 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:28.279 all right, I'll give you a month, you know, give 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:29.960 you a loth and then it just turned into something 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:31.039 really healthy and good. 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:32.840 Yeah, it was like endearing to her that you would 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:33.520 say that. 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:36.599 I just think it wasn't a movie. I mean, it 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.760 really wasn't a play, right it was. It wasn't alive, 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:42.480 you know. It was like, if you're going to get 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:44.760 into this, you got to know not been great at 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:46.279 this in the past, but I really want to be. 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:48.760 Yeah, I told the church and one of the messages 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:51.440 that I preached in this series the other half. You 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:53.680 know a great dating line that I read somewhere. If 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:55.520 you want to get a really good dating line that 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:57.720 predicts the successive marriage, it would be. 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:00.479 So, what kind of crazy here are you? 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:03.560 Because I know you're some category of crazy? 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:06.600 What time? That's exactly what you have to find out 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:07.640 what the fear was? 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.880 If fear is the enemy of vulnerability, do I understand 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:16.320 you correctly to say that ultimately all of our intimacy 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:18.640 is kept it baged by fear. 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:20.680 Well, I think so, I think. 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:26.440 And there's a lack of trust that you know, fear 0:07:26.520 --> 0:07:28.040 leads us to not trust somebody. 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:28.920 Trust. 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.000 Lack of trust leads us to not expose ourselves to somebody, 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:34.520 and that lack of exposure means we're not going to 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:34.920 be known. 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:37.679 You know. I think we're really great. 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:40.040 A lot of us are really great at letting people 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:45.880 know and being impressed by our act, by the character 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:48.040 that we put on, and it feels so good. It's like, well, 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:50.640 if I do this thing, you know it works. 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:53.120 You call it a costume and there it's a costume. 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:58.679 Yeah, and that isn't fulfilling. Now here's the thing everybody 0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:00.880 watching goes, I don't have that, And I would have 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:02.360 told you I don't have that. 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:03.400 I would have told you that. 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.800 The thing about going to this place on site is 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:09.480 you turn in your cell phone, you can't give anybody 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:11.440 your last name, and you're not allowed to tell anybody 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:15.120 what you do for a living. I thought, fine, whatever, 0:08:15.880 --> 0:08:21.400 and I mean, steven, within ten minutes, I wanted to 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:23.320 tell somebody that I was the best selling author, because 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:26.040 reality is, it would have come up by now, and 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:28.440 now I can't bring it up. And I mean the 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:34.160 first three days where I felt like I felt naked, 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:38.440 I mean it really was saying, will anybody get to 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:39.960 know me and want to be my friend? 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:44.240 For just me? And then it's amazing. One night, my little. 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:46.880 Group's about forty people at the workshop, but there were 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:49.040 ten people in my little groups broke up with Smarkers 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.000 and we had a game in the parlor over at 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:55.480 the Big House and it was a game night. We're 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:58.760 playing games and we're only got night four or some 0:08:58.840 --> 0:09:01.240 kind of comfortable people there with me, but nobody knows 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:04.440 what anybody does, nobody knows who anybody is. And I 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:08.080 crack a joke and everybody starts laughing, and I crack 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:11.160 another Joe and every I mean, I had him rolling, 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:14.960 And it was like a drug was going into mind 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:18.880 because it was what it was was you matter. Now 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:23.960 you're dominating the room, you're entertaining, you matter. Like if 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:26.800 I can never be a Christian writer again, I'll just 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:29.160 start up a new career as a comedian. And what 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:31.640 was amazing is they took away my costume and it 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:35.120 took me four days to start building another costume. 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:36.480 Four days. 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:40.520 So I still went, I don't trust that people aren't 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.880 gonna are gonna like me for who I actually am. 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:47.160 That's I think that's an understandable thing. I don't think 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:51.040 there's anything wrong with being a great entertainer. The last 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.040 thing we want is Steve Martin not being a great entertainer, 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:56.360 because we won't have a chance to laugh, or you 0:09:56.400 --> 0:09:58.360 on stage won't have a chance to be inspired by 0:09:58.400 --> 0:09:59.040 your sermons. 0:09:59.400 --> 0:10:01.959 The problem is when we when we use that as a. 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:05.400 Costume and and we bring it into intimate situations, and 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:08.880 you know, that's got a real short shelf life because 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:10.720 you just can't hide who you are for that long. 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:12.280 Sooner or later you got to go, all right, here 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:16.200 are my flaws. Uh, you're still gonna like me. And 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:18.160 I think there's two things. One we have to show 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:19.880 those falls, and two we have to choose people who 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:21.960 we can trust to actually follow through and like you. 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:25.719 So you have to choose because there's a significant part 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:29.960 of the population that literally will go, Nope, where did. 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:30.560 That come from? 0:10:30.800 --> 0:10:31.160 For you? 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:34.720 The need to wear that armor, to wear that costume to. 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:37.600 Be funny, Well, I hope it's just a human thing 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.280 and it's not just me, right, but you would. 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:44.000 Have to go it's you know, there's a there's. 0:10:43.840 --> 0:10:49.239 A funny passage in Genesis when the fall is described 0:10:49.320 --> 0:10:50.240 like the fall of man. 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:53.440 Uh you know, ev see Apple, Adam, E see Apple. 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:56.880 And in that passage God comes back and he talks 0:10:56.920 --> 0:11:00.520 to this couple who have disobeyed him, and that whole 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:03.600 passage is about one thing, because it's I think it's 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:07.719 repeated four times. There's one theme to that chapter, and 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:09.880 it's who told you you were naked? 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:12.240 And there's this idea that. 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:15.880 Here's the only human beings in the history of the 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:19.760 world so far who walked with God one on one, 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:21.600 And if you walk with God one on one, you're 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:22.040 that close. 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:23.520 There's no separation between you. 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:26.199 The only thing I can think is that there's something 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:30.280 about this external character that is pouring so much love 0:11:30.480 --> 0:11:35.400 and acceptance into you just by their presence that you 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:40.800 are so not self aware because you're so fulfilled with 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:42.679 their love, you don't even know you're naked. 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:43.600 Now. 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:46.319 I don't know about you, but when I'm naked, I 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:49.160 know I'm naked. There's never a point where I'm like, 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:50.600 what I think I'm naked? 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:51.640 Like I always know. 0:11:51.880 --> 0:11:53.480 I never get to the grocery store and think, Oh 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:55.120 I left my wife, Oh I left my clothes. It 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:58.560 never happens. That's a weird phenomenon. We're the only creatures 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:00.960 on the planet who do that. Wow, the only ones. 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:02.880 Nobody else. Like, I saw a poodle in the park 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:04.199 the other day wear in a sweater, I thought it 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:06.120 happened to them like some poodle ate an apple and 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:09.960 now they're wearing clothes. But it's you know, what is 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:13.640 it about a separation from God that makes us so 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:17.040 unbelievably narcissistic and self aware and afraid that we would 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:21.160 cover ourselves. So I think clothes are literally they're they're 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:22.160 built around shame. 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:25.240 I'm not telling you everybody's educating. I'm not advocating that all. 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:27.439 But then there don't know what kind of interview you think. 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:31.040 There's all these other clothes that we wear too, you know, 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:34.599 personality traits that we've learned, skills that we've developed, and 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:38.119 we put on those, you know, to hide whatever vulnerability 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:38.640 or hard. 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:40.679 Thing we have that is the enemy of intimacy. 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:43.600 I love when the guy in the book sat down 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:46.560 and drew some circles for you. He said, hey, basically, 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:48.840 I'm going to tell you why you need to be funny. 0:12:49.280 --> 0:12:51.000 And he did this thing do the thing because to 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:52.199 me it was he said. 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:54.960 It's got named Bill Loki, and Bill's a great psychologist. 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:57.720 And he said he just drew a circle and he said, 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.600 don here's how everybody starts. They start as self. And 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.800 he wrote the word self inside the circle. And then 0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:06.560 he said, something happens at a different age for everybody, 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:09.120 but it's at a young age. And he said, something 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:13.360 happens you, you know, you mess up on the baseball field, 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.800 or your parents get a divorce, or you you realize 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:19.360 that your family's on food stamps, you know, and you 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:20.920 got a crush on the guy. 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.400 Whose dad's president of the bank, you know whatever. 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:25.840 And he said, that brings, for the first time in 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:28.280 your life something called shame. 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:30.240 And he said, so you draw it. 0:13:30.360 --> 0:13:33.760 He drew a second circle around the first circle and 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:37.680 it just it just said shame. And we've all felt it, 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.360 we all remember it, you know, the first time you 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:43.400 probably experienced that. And he said, what happens is shame 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.680 is really scary. And so he drew a third circle 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:51.080 around the shame circle and he just wrote the word costume. 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.760 And he said, now you learned to wear this thing 0:13:54.800 --> 0:13:58.840 and it was the thing that you know, and he said, 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:00.880 you know, it was that cateristic that you had that 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:03.000 you found that other people would clap for you or whatever. 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.840 They admired you for it. And he said, what would 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.280 that be? I mean, he didn't have to finish sense 0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:11.920 and I said, smart, funny. You know these sorts of things, 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.600 the things that people would say about me, you know 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.080 if they got to know me, they're saying those things 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:20.560 because they got said about me really early on. 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:24.080 And I've just honed my craft and my ability to 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:24.960 wear that costume. 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.680 And he said, this is all totally understandable, Like, no 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.720 judgment against anybody who tries to cover their pain with shame. 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:34.200 It's pain, right, he said. 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:38.240 The problem is, in order to have intimacy that person, 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:41.320 are those people friends, whatever, they got to get to 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:43.720 know the self. Because you can't have intimacy with the 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:46.360 costume and you can't have intimacy with the shame. Wow, 0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:48.520 So you got to take off the costume and you 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:50.920 got to deal with the shame, and then you can 0:14:50.960 --> 0:14:53.560 be free to be yourself and then you can have intimacy. 0:14:53.760 --> 0:14:56.840 What intimacy does is it nurtures us. It recharges us, 0:14:56.920 --> 0:14:59.160 It gives us strength, It gives us the ability be honestly, 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:01.800 gives his ability act with other people, makes us great 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.920 husbands and wives, makes us great parents, helps us have 0:15:05.120 --> 0:15:08.480 happy kids and healthy kids. Contributes to that, and it's 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:11.560 also how we connect with God, right, I mean, we 0:15:11.600 --> 0:15:15.000 connect with God. Not God's not impressed with our costume. 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:19.280 He's impressed with ourself. That's the part he made right, 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:21.400 and we made these other things. 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:25.480 I love that I preached on Jacob one time, and 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:29.400 Jacob is, of course, you know, dressing in esau Us clothes, 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:32.000 pretending to be his brother to get the blessing and 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:32.520 it works. 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.360 Kind of is the weirdest story, weirdest story. 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.760 Weirdest story, that his mom's dressing him and his brothers. 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.720 And these are little boys anymore. These are older men, 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:45.560 you know, at this point in their life. But I 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:47.560 came to the realization that God can't bless who I 0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:51.480 pretend to be. Yet the things you mentioned, smart, funny, 0:15:51.520 --> 0:15:52.680 these aren't bad things. 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:54.800 No. So where does it go from. 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:57.400 Being a gift that I'm smart, that I'm funny, to 0:15:57.520 --> 0:15:59.360 being something that becomes a costume. 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:00.520 How do I know that difference? 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.400 Well, I think when you're covering yourself up, when they 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:07.000 are hidden, things abalue not. I want to be real careful, 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:09.840 you know, standing up on stage and airing all your 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:11.400 dirty laundry is unwise. 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.800 There are people who are simply out to get you right. 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.480 Or sitting on a date and sharing from the beginning. 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:17.640 Of all this. 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:20.280 It is unwise that I'm six months out of rehab. 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.640 That's right, Well, that worked for me. 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:28.520 You know, not everybody is gets access to yourself. Yourself 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:31.400 is valuable, you know, it should be protected. But I 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:34.680 think when nobody gets access, that's where there's a lot 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:37.480 of trouble. And then trouble starts with just real loneliness, 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:39.120 you know, that's what it feels like. 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:42.240 It you had caution against either extreme to say that 0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:44.920 if everyone has access, that's a problem. 0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:46.920 If nobody has access, that's right. 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:49.640 And a lot of people have the act of like 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:52.480 we talked about earlier, vulnerability or you know, and they 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:54.480 tend to become kind of a shock jock or whatever, 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:56.920 and it's a bit of a turn off at some 0:16:57.040 --> 0:16:59.880 point because people realize that's a costume, like that person's 0:16:59.880 --> 0:17:04.320 just so you know, but I think, you know, when 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:10.320 you really look at a phenomenally successful folks, there's always 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:14.840 almost always a wound that started that journey. And hopefully 0:17:15.080 --> 0:17:16.879 the wound started the journey and then there was a 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:20.040 healing also, so they got the benefit of that fuel 0:17:20.080 --> 0:17:23.000 of becoming really funny and famous or really smart and 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:26.000 solving problems. In physics or whatever, and then hopefully at 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:28.560 some point there was a healing process where they were 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:30.639 able to enjoy the gift that they were given but 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:31.840 also find intimacy. 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:33.680 And I feel like that's been that's. 0:17:33.560 --> 0:17:36.080 Been my journey. It's been really blessed journey in that way. 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:37.520 But there was certainly a dark season. 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:42.320 No, that's really powerful when you talk about the relational pattern. 0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:44.280 You say my. 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:47.800 Dating life was a death spiral. 0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:52.040 Codependency and resentment. I wouldn't say that about you, but you. 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:53.720 Said that about you. 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:55.720 All right, So if anybody, first of all, feels like 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.200 there's no hope for you, here's a happily married man 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:02.120 who says my dating life was a death spiral. If 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.440 someone resonates with that in their dating life, relational life, 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.680 how do they break that pattern? What is one thing 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:11.640 I can do because I'm overwhelmed by a death spiral? 0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:14.120 What's the first move out of the death spiral? 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:15.120 Well? 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:16.760 I have to go back and say there were probably 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:18.760 a few women I day that you could talk to 0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:21.240 and say, don was great, give me a break. You know, 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:23.760 it wasn't that bad, but there were some relationships that 0:18:23.760 --> 0:18:26.920 were really tended. Uh, this counselor at on site during 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:28.880 this time gave me this great analogy. 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:31.040 She said, okay, look, she put three. 0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:34.480