Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Speaker 1: Today's tip is about how to be a better listener.
Speaker 1: We all know people who are just a joy to
Speaker 1: speak with. When we talk with these people, we leave
Speaker 1: the conversation energized. We tend to seek out these people again.
Speaker 1: We want to hang out with them, and we want
Speaker 1: to do business with them. This podcast is all about
Speaker 1: being efficient and effective with time, and being the sort
Speaker 1: of person people seek out tends to be more efficient
Speaker 1: than constantly asking people to pay attention to you. So
Speaker 1: why do some people seem like such great conversationalists. What's
Speaker 1: often going on is that these people are very skilled
Speaker 1: at listening. Notice I said skilled at listening. Like many
Speaker 1: things in life, listening is a skill. Just because anyone
Speaker 1: can listen, just like anyone can write an essay or
Speaker 1: play the drums, doesn't mean most people do it well.
Speaker 1: But as with any skill, people can improve if they
Speaker 1: choose to improve. One of the best ways to improve
Speaker 1: is to stop doing one little and unfortunately kind of
Speaker 1: automatic thing. The next time you're having a conversation, notice
Speaker 1: what your brain is doing while the other person is talking.
Speaker 1: As the person tells a story, what's on your mind.
Speaker 1: If you are a normal human being, the odds are
Speaker 1: good that you are thinking of a story to tell
Speaker 1: that matches or perhaps tops, the other person's story. There
Speaker 1: are lots of reasons we do this. One is that
Speaker 1: in all conversations we tend to seek common ground. If
Speaker 1: we discover similarities with our conversation partners, then we don't
Speaker 1: need to be threats to each other, which is a
Speaker 1: good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities. But
Speaker 1: there's also a little bit of competition going on too.
Speaker 1: We want the other person to acknowledge us, to pay
Speaker 1: attention to us. We want a certain amount of the
Speaker 1: conversation time centered on us, because of course, we all
Speaker 1: find ourselves fascinating. It makes complete sense, But here's why
Speaker 1: it's a problem. As your brain seeks out a story
Speaker 1: to match or top the other persons, you aren't paying
Speaker 1: attention to what he or she is saying. You miss details,
Speaker 1: you miss nuance, and you miss opportunity. Because if someone
Speaker 1: is telling you something difficult, like she's really concerned about
Speaker 1: a sick friend, she actually doesn't want to hear that
Speaker 1: you once had a friend who was sick too. You
Speaker 1: strengthen the relationship by validating her feelings and supporting her.
Speaker 1: Everyone likes to feel heard, so if you want to
Speaker 1: be a better listener, commit to quitting the wait until
Speaker 1: you hear what happened to me habit while the other
Speaker 1: person is talking. Don't hunt through your memory for a
Speaker 1: similar story. Don't be watching for the person to take
Speaker 1: a breath so you can launch into your tail instead.
Speaker 1: I like this suggestion I've heard from a great many
Speaker 1: good listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of
Speaker 1: a new book by Kelly Corrigan on the most potent
Speaker 1: things we say to each other. Try saying tell me more.
Speaker 1: Then the person can indeed tell you more if they'd
Speaker 1: like to, Or you can try something else that's equally validating,
Speaker 1: like that must have been so stressful, or tell me
Speaker 1: how you solve that problem. You can repeat back something
Speaker 1: the person said, or even ask something very specific to
Speaker 1: their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the
Speaker 1: form of a question, Oh, you always have such adventures.
Speaker 1: When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, what did
Speaker 1: you have to change about your trip? Most likely, the
Speaker 1: person will be thrilled to continue with her story and
Speaker 1: you might learn something fascinating, you might learn something useful,
Speaker 1: and most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you
Speaker 1: something and then you can tell any story you want.
Speaker 1: You'll still get a chance to talk about yourself, but
Speaker 1: with the added benefit that the other person now thinks
Speaker 1: you're a wonderful listener rather than someone who just wants
Speaker 1: to talk about ourselves, just like all of us want
Speaker 1: to talk about ourselves. You will have actually listened to
Speaker 1: what the person was saying, rather than spending time racking
Speaker 1: your memory for similar stories. And if the other person
Speaker 1: never gets around to asking you about yourself, well it
Speaker 1: could happen, But so what. You now know this about
Speaker 1: the person, and you can go judge for yourself whether
Speaker 1: it's worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with whether you got to tell your story three
Speaker 1: minutes earlier in the conversation or not. So today, when
Speaker 1: you're talking with someone, try listening without dreaming up the
Speaker 1: next story you'll tell. See what happens. You might be
Speaker 1: surprised where the conversation leads. In the meantime, this is Laura,
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of
Speaker 1: our time. Hey everybody, I love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: You can send me your tips, your questions, or anything else.
Speaker 1: Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at
Speaker 1: Before Breakfast Pod. That's b E the number four, then
Speaker 1: Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me an
Speaker 1: email at Before Breakfast podcast. At i heeart media dot
Speaker 1: com that Before Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much, I look forward to staying in touch.
Speaker 1: Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio. For
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