1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio. 2 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. 3 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:16,120 Speaker 1: Today's tip is about how to be a better listener. 4 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 1: We all know people who are just a joy to 5 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 1: speak with. When we talk with these people, we leave 6 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: the conversation energized. We tend to seek out these people again. 7 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,320 Speaker 1: We want to hang out with them, and we want 8 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: to do business with them. This podcast is all about 9 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,840 Speaker 1: being efficient and effective with time, and being the sort 10 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 1: of person people seek out tends to be more efficient 11 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: than constantly asking people to pay attention to you. So 12 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: why do some people seem like such great conversationalists. What's 13 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 1: often going on is that these people are very skilled 14 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 1: at listening. Notice I said skilled at listening. Like many 15 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,960 Speaker 1: things in life, listening is a skill. Just because anyone 16 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: can listen, just like anyone can write an essay or 17 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,759 Speaker 1: play the drums, doesn't mean most people do it well. 18 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,800 Speaker 1: But as with any skill, people can improve if they 19 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: choose to improve. One of the best ways to improve 20 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 1: is to stop doing one little and unfortunately kind of 21 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: automatic thing. The next time you're having a conversation, notice 22 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: what your brain is doing while the other person is talking. 23 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,399 Speaker 1: As the person tells a story, what's on your mind. 24 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,000 Speaker 1: If you are a normal human being, the odds are 25 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,480 Speaker 1: good that you are thinking of a story to tell 26 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,680 Speaker 1: that matches or perhaps tops, the other person's story. There 27 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: are lots of reasons we do this. One is that 28 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: in all conversations we tend to seek common ground. If 29 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 1: we discover similarities with our conversation partners, then we don't 30 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: need to be threats to each other, which is a 31 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities. But 32 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,600 Speaker 1: there's also a little bit of competition going on too. 33 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 1: We want the other person to acknowledge us, to pay 34 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: attention to us. We want a certain amount of the 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,519 Speaker 1: conversation time centered on us, because of course, we all 36 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: find ourselves fascinating. It makes complete sense, But here's why 37 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: it's a problem. As your brain seeks out a story 38 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 1: to match or top the other persons, you aren't paying 39 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 1: attention to what he or she is saying. You miss details, 40 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 1: you miss nuance, and you miss opportunity. Because if someone 41 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,800 Speaker 1: is telling you something difficult, like she's really concerned about 42 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,960 Speaker 1: a sick friend, she actually doesn't want to hear that 43 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: you once had a friend who was sick too. You 44 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 1: strengthen the relationship by validating her feelings and supporting her. 45 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: Everyone likes to feel heard, so if you want to 46 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: be a better listener, commit to quitting the wait until 47 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,359 Speaker 1: you hear what happened to me habit while the other 48 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: person is talking. Don't hunt through your memory for a 49 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: similar story. Don't be watching for the person to take 50 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,320 Speaker 1: a breath so you can launch into your tail instead. 51 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 1: I like this suggestion I've heard from a great many 52 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: good listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of 53 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 1: a new book by Kelly Corrigan on the most potent 54 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 1: things we say to each other. Try saying tell me more. 55 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: Then the person can indeed tell you more if they'd 56 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 1: like to, Or you can try something else that's equally validating, 57 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: like that must have been so stressful, or tell me 58 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 1: how you solve that problem. You can repeat back something 59 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: the person said, or even ask something very specific to 60 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the 61 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,800 Speaker 1: form of a question, Oh, you always have such adventures. 62 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, what did 63 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: you have to change about your trip? Most likely, the 64 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 1: person will be thrilled to continue with her story and 65 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: you might learn something fascinating, you might learn something useful, 66 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 1: and most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you 67 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: something and then you can tell any story you want. 68 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: You'll still get a chance to talk about yourself, but 69 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: with the added benefit that the other person now thinks 70 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: you're a wonderful listener rather than someone who just wants 71 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,920 Speaker 1: to talk about ourselves, just like all of us want 72 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: to talk about ourselves. You will have actually listened to 73 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,840 Speaker 1: what the person was saying, rather than spending time racking 74 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,679 Speaker 1: your memory for similar stories. And if the other person 75 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 1: never gets around to asking you about yourself, well it 76 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: could happen, But so what. You now know this about 77 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 1: the person, and you can go judge for yourself whether 78 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: it's worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing to 79 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: do with whether you got to tell your story three 80 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:38,479 Speaker 1: minutes earlier in the conversation or not. So today, when 81 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 1: you're talking with someone, try listening without dreaming up the 82 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: next story you'll tell. See what happens. You might be 83 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,839 Speaker 1: surprised where the conversation leads. In the meantime, this is Laura, 84 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of 85 00:04:52,880 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 1: our time. Hey everybody, I love to hear from you. 86 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,240 Speaker 1: You can send me your tips, your questions, or anything else. 87 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 1: Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at 88 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:13,479 Speaker 1: Before Breakfast Pod. That's b E the number four, then 89 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me an 90 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:20,720 Speaker 1: email at Before Breakfast podcast. At i heeart media dot 91 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 1: com that Before Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters. 92 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: Thanks so much, I look forward to staying in touch. 93 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio. For 94 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,479 Speaker 1: more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i heart 95 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 96 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: favorite shows.