Speaker 1: Taylor.
Speaker 2: Folks, it is Saturday, June thirteenth, a relationship Saturday, you know,
Speaker 2: the day we spend so much time with the people
Speaker 2: we love, whether that's somebody we're in a relationship with
Speaker 2: or with a friend. But Robes has been telling me
Speaker 2: she has been dying to talk about this this week.
Speaker 2: When do you know there are some friendships you just
Speaker 2: need to let go of? And with that, welcome to
Speaker 2: this episode of Amy and TJ on this Saturday. Yes, friends,
Speaker 2: family and relationships. People spend these Saturdays together. A lot
Speaker 2: of time is spent on relationships on Saturday, including friendships.
Speaker 2: But this might be your last Saturday with this particular friend.
Speaker 1: After you listen to Robach.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm curious from a man's perspective, I think all
Speaker 3: the ladies listening know that.
Speaker 4: Girls.
Speaker 3: I just think throughout the arg of a girl's life,
Speaker 3: you go through some friends and there are some really
Speaker 3: tough friendships, and you're oftentimes wondering in different phases of
Speaker 3: your life whether or not a friendship is worth saving
Speaker 3: or if you should go ahead and break off a friendship.
Speaker 4: Do men have those same dilemmas throughout their lives?
Speaker 2: Generally, No, we just end a friendship, never heard from
Speaker 2: him again, or we fight it out or something. It's
Speaker 2: just not And I've learned a lot from watching you
Speaker 2: and also watching Love Island, and you explain things to
Speaker 2: me to where men just don't have oftentimes the complications
Speaker 2: you all seem to have. And we're in your face
Speaker 2: about it, right, you all play games.
Speaker 4: Oh we're passive aggressive.
Speaker 1: Yeah we don't.
Speaker 4: Yes, we're passive aggressive.
Speaker 3: We don't directly confront issues often and we try to
Speaker 3: manipulate and control.
Speaker 4: That is just the way we are. I can honestly
Speaker 4: admit that.
Speaker 2: Okay, there's a you know, I love my stand up comics,
Speaker 2: and there was a guys have talked about this.
Speaker 1: Dudes don't do this.
Speaker 2: We say, I saw this guy, he went that way.
Speaker 2: I called him a name, I punched him in a face,
Speaker 2: and that was the end up Like we just got
Speaker 2: into a fight. It was done like a very few
Speaker 2: steps in a male just I'm Marvel. We will have
Speaker 2: a Love Island episode up here in a bit.
Speaker 3: But watching how men handle conflict with one another versus
Speaker 3: how women handle conflict with one another, it is remarkable.
Speaker 2: Been five episodes of women conflict. Two dou handled it
Speaker 2: in thirty seconds, may the best man win, and they
Speaker 2: moved on.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's how we end.
Speaker 4: It's crazy to watch.
Speaker 3: So yes, us women, this probably is for the ladies
Speaker 3: listening solely because you probably you were kind of like
Speaker 3: when I explained this article, I was like, this is
Speaker 3: so good. They had relationship experts talk about how to
Speaker 3: know whether or not you should end a friendship, and
Speaker 3: once you make that determination, how to end it.
Speaker 4: And you looked at me like I had three eyes.
Speaker 1: You're like, what, Okay? First of all, it was about
Speaker 1: how to know, first of all, if you need to
Speaker 1: get rid of a friendship.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, I'm dying to hear this because I mean
Speaker 2: this all applied to everybody though, right.
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, absolutely, And look they start on these
Speaker 3: this foundation that you should recognize that friendships are built.
Speaker 3: They don't just exist like family relationships. They're there, but
Speaker 3: a friendship is built, it's chosen, and most friendships require
Speaker 3: small but meaningful acts of maintenance. And if you don't
Speaker 3: or aren't willing to do those things, it probably is
Speaker 3: pointing to something.
Speaker 1: Well was considered maintenance in a friendship.
Speaker 3: Just checking in texting, even if you no longer live
Speaker 3: with or around or near one another. It's just that effort.
Speaker 3: A friendship requires effort, I guess is the point. But
Speaker 3: imbalance is inevitable and changes often take place with different
Speaker 3: phases of your life.
Speaker 4: And so I don't know.
Speaker 3: Again, men might be different, but women, we move around,
Speaker 3: we get married, maybe we get divorced, we have kids
Speaker 3: who're working, we're not working. All of those dramatically impact
Speaker 3: the level of closeness you have with a friend.
Speaker 1: Same for men.
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, we're with you so far. All right,
Speaker 4: So that's the foundation.
Speaker 3: Here are three signs, according to the experts, that it's
Speaker 3: time to reevaluate and potentially end your friendship.
Speaker 2: What we're gonna do one at a time. You're gonna
Speaker 2: name them all and then we just got how we're
Speaker 2: gonna do it.
Speaker 4: We'll do one at a time.
Speaker 3: Okay, you can't be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
Speaker 4: Oh god, yeah, women.
Speaker 3: That will land like you need to try and can
Speaker 3: amend what you think or believe or want to do
Speaker 3: to try and make the other person happy. So the
Speaker 3: point being is with your friends, you got to be
Speaker 3: able to be authentic. That's the whole point of a
Speaker 3: friendship to be able to tell your friend what you
Speaker 3: really think. Maybe something you wouldn't tell your significant other
Speaker 3: because they might fall out of love with you if
Speaker 3: they heard.
Speaker 4: But something you can. You need to have that friend
Speaker 4: that you can tell anything and everything too.
Speaker 1: Say the thing again, how's it put?
Speaker 3: The sign that it's time to reevaluate your friendship is
Speaker 3: you cannot be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
Speaker 2: Man, I can't think of one. Do you have one
Speaker 2: even in the past five years?
Speaker 3: No, I can't, because here are the signs. You're softening
Speaker 3: your opinions, you downplay your accomplished, you pretend to be
Speaker 3: more agreeable, you're trying to secure approval, and you're trying
Speaker 3: to avoid judgment. And anyway, they're just saying a friendship.
Speaker 3: I thought this was really interesting. Think about it like this.
Speaker 3: The bare minimum of a healthy friendship is feeling understood
Speaker 3: and accepted for who you actually are.
Speaker 2: Understood and accepted for who you actually are. Okay, I
Speaker 2: had a question I was about to ask, does this apply?
Speaker 2: Does it matter the need to be male male friendships,
Speaker 2: women women friendships? Does it matter if it's man woman
Speaker 2: doesn't matter?
Speaker 1: Gay? Straight? Does This is just friendships.
Speaker 4: This is friendship period.
Speaker 3: I mean you and I had a deep friendship for
Speaker 3: eight years and I feel like I was the person
Speaker 3: you came to to feel understood.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it makes it easy to date later
Speaker 2: on because you don't have anything to hide, like O, hell.
Speaker 4: I love all you're ugly, and you saw allmine.
Speaker 2: And she's still here, then we're good. Okay, that's not
Speaker 2: a guy I'd never Yeah, the thing you say that
Speaker 2: about softening opinions or changing things?
Speaker 4: Girls do that?
Speaker 2: Think of anything or any guy I've ever been around
Speaker 2: where I am tiptoeing in some way, or.
Speaker 4: It's a need to be liked.
Speaker 3: It's a desire to be wanted at all costs, even
Speaker 3: if it means removing part of who you are. That's
Speaker 3: a sign you're not in a good friendship. That's a
Speaker 3: sign that that might not be someone you should be
Speaker 3: friends with it Okay, number two, here's another sign. You
Speaker 3: organize and initiate every interaction. That's a big red flag.
Speaker 3: So look, a busy friend will make time to feel
Speaker 3: like you matter, even if it's just a text. Because yes,
Speaker 3: I will admit I sometimes feel like I'm not being
Speaker 3: as good of a friend because I'm so busy. We're
Speaker 3: working NonStop, but I will text and say how's your
Speaker 3: day going? Like, there are ways if you want to
Speaker 3: be in a friendship with someone and you want to
Speaker 3: have a relationship with someone. I text my friends almost
Speaker 3: every day, but at least every other day. Yeah, guys
Speaker 3: aren't the same.
Speaker 2: If that's the case, you organize initiate every interaction all
Speaker 2: of my friends. We should just all break up now
Speaker 2: because guys, we don't hear from each other for weeks
Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden it's hot. We just
Speaker 2: don't do that. We don't check in every day every
Speaker 2: other day. We got friends that are bit Two of
Speaker 2: my busiest friends ever just hit me up invited me
Speaker 2: to watch the NBA Finals game going out tonight. We're
Speaker 2: not there, but yeah, what I'm saying is we come
Speaker 2: up with stuff randomly here and there. We don't we
Speaker 2: don't just check in every two days.
Speaker 4: But it isn't one sided.
Speaker 3: Like you will check in on them, they'll check in
Speaker 3: on it a couple of weeks. Yeah, Like, guys are
Speaker 3: different and different. And also I have different friendships where
Speaker 3: I have a couple girlfriends who we live far apart,
Speaker 3: we haven't seen each other in a while, but every couple,
Speaker 3: like on birthdays, on Mother's Day, on certain days.
Speaker 4: Or you'll just throw a throat like Sarah Hanes.
Speaker 3: Will throw me a throwback picture from ten years ago
Speaker 3: and say thinking of you, and I might not have
Speaker 3: heard from her in a month.
Speaker 4: So I have friends like that.
Speaker 3: But that's just a it's a it's a show of hey,
Speaker 3: I still care about you, and we might be in
Speaker 3: different faces right now, but like, here's here's the good thing.
Speaker 3: I like, this is a good way to look at it.
Speaker 3: What would happen if you stop reaching out? Would there
Speaker 3: even be a friendship anymore?
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of anybody. If I stop reaching
Speaker 2: out to Oh no, I would get welfare checks exactly.
Speaker 3: So that means those are your friends. But that is
Speaker 3: a really good way to look at it. If you
Speaker 3: stopped reaching out, would you ever hear from them again?
Speaker 1: You know what?
Speaker 2: The only have one friend like that, and you'll know,
Speaker 2: I kind of want to call him out, you know,
Speaker 2: it is the only one because he's a malicious He's
Speaker 2: a moron. He's an absolute maron. I can't stand him.
Speaker 2: He is I hate him and he knows I'm talking
Speaker 2: about him right now. I'm going to afford him this episode,
Speaker 2: and we could call him out publicly because he's publicly.
Speaker 4: Known, and he would laugh.
Speaker 1: No, he wouldn't. He'd start calling Oh.
Speaker 4: All right, well maybe you should send him this. I
Speaker 4: love it.
Speaker 1: I would never call Matt out like that.
Speaker 4: Haha, I love it.
Speaker 3: You just said his name, all right. Number three, here's
Speaker 3: the third sign. You can't work through problems together. That
Speaker 3: sounds obvious, but it's basically people who care about a
Speaker 3: friendship act like it. Basically believe people when they show
Speaker 3: you who you are. So you should be able to apologize,
Speaker 3: sit through uncomfortable conversations, and then change behavior based on
Speaker 3: those conversations. And I can say Nicky and I have
Speaker 3: had maybe two tough conversations and they were uncomfortable and
Speaker 3: we were fighting, and it seems weird because when you
Speaker 3: see us, we don't seem like people who would ever fight,
Speaker 3: But those were actually transformational conversations where we understood each other.
Speaker 3: And so yes, if you can't have those conversations or
Speaker 3: you're afraid to have that conversation with someone, you probably
Speaker 3: shouldn't be in a friendship with them.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of one fight.
Speaker 2: I have a hat, what a dude, and we had
Speaker 2: to work through something in our friendship.
Speaker 1: I can't remember.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about just that idea with men in general.
Speaker 3: It sounds funny, not that it isn't true and it
Speaker 3: isn't real, but it sounds funny because it just doesn't
Speaker 3: seem like something men.
Speaker 1: Trying to find one.
Speaker 2: The only uncomfortable had convers I had with a friend
Speaker 2: was Chuck, and he was mad at me because I
Speaker 2: was leaving one job and going to another place and
Speaker 2: he thought that was.
Speaker 1: A bad move.
Speaker 4: He cared about you.
Speaker 2: He was really trying to get me to stop, and
Speaker 2: that was uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I me.
Speaker 2: It was Oceanaire at the bar in Atlanta. I remember
Speaker 2: it to this day, and erbes I didn't listen to him.
Speaker 2: The friendship continue. But at the end of that, you
Speaker 2: know what happened. I do you do you like? He
Speaker 2: tried and tried and tried, but at the end, fuck it,
Speaker 2: that's your call. You do your thing. And we continued on,
Speaker 2: but he was not. That was the most uncomfortable conversation
Speaker 2: I've ever had.
Speaker 4: Interesting, but it's because he cared about you. So that
Speaker 4: you knew where.
Speaker 3: It was coming from. And that actually is a sign
Speaker 3: of a good relationship.
Speaker 2: Art that was more than a decade ago. I can't
Speaker 2: remember another confrontation with them.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and that okay, and my point, yes, and
Speaker 3: I think my worst friendship breakup ever. Actually, I've had
Speaker 3: two really really tough ones, and you know how they
Speaker 3: ended with the refusal of the other party to talk
Speaker 3: to me.
Speaker 4: And that is when.
Speaker 3: That's the biggest red sign ever, I mean red flag
Speaker 3: and the biggest sign ever. I just complated those two
Speaker 3: things because this is what the bottom line is. It
Speaker 3: is telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship.
Speaker 3: You can be mad, you can be sad, you can
Speaker 3: be hurt, but if you are unwilling to fight for
Speaker 3: the relationship, you should walk away.
Speaker 2: I'm with you on that, But that was that whole situa.
Speaker 2: Now i't get into that again. But yes, I get
Speaker 2: what you're saying. In the larger point, I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's don't we know. I'll ask you, don't you know?
Speaker 2: And the friendships use lost and things that happened over
Speaker 2: the years. Let me hell go back to your high
Speaker 2: school days. Yeah, after you lost them or you're really
Speaker 2: that surprised after you give reflection and look back on it,
Speaker 2: are you really that surprised?
Speaker 3: I have one that know on one of them, But yes,
Speaker 3: I am still surprised about one of them. I feel
Speaker 3: I actually feel fooled. Yes, it's the one that surprised
Speaker 3: me the most. I had another one that when I
Speaker 3: looked back, I thought, yeah, there were signs.
Speaker 1: And the one you're talking about, your mama not surprised.
Speaker 3: Yes, you could see things that I couldn't. All right,
Speaker 3: So when we come back, this is pretty cool. Not
Speaker 3: only did these experts give the warning signs, but they
Speaker 3: also gave some advice on what to do if your
Speaker 3: friendship is no longer serving you. And welcome back everyone
Speaker 3: to this Saturday Relationship episode of Amy and DJ. And
Speaker 3: it's not just about romantic relationships here we talk about
Speaker 3: on the podcast.
Speaker 4: It's friendships too, platonic ones. Those are so important.
Speaker 3: I can't imagine my life without friends, and I know
Speaker 3: most people feel.
Speaker 4: The same way.
Speaker 3: It's the people you turn to and typically you give
Speaker 3: your deepest, darkest secrets to and they're entrusted with a
Speaker 3: part of your soul. I think it's such an important
Speaker 3: part of relationships or just how you go through life
Speaker 3: is who your friends are.
Speaker 2: I think that's that's probably something with women when it
Speaker 2: comes to I mean even relationships, romantic relationships. Right, trusts vulnerability,
Speaker 2: and you give that over unabashedly to another woman. So
Speaker 2: when that woman then breaks up with you and she
Speaker 2: takes all that with her, that stings. It sings sometimes
Speaker 2: that your spouse doesn't correct and sometimes uses things against you,
Speaker 2: or it can get ugly, it can get nasty.
Speaker 4: So how to keep it from doing that?
Speaker 3: Look, we gave you the warning signs according to experts
Speaker 3: about when your friendship might need to end, But how
Speaker 3: do you break up with a friend? I thought this
Speaker 3: was interesting because I just told you before the break
Speaker 3: the two that I really remember didn't end with some
Speaker 3: explosive argument. They just refuse to speak about an issue.
Speaker 3: So they say, most friendships do not end with a
Speaker 3: dramatic confrontation or a talk. Most friendships dissolve through gradual fade, less.
Speaker 4: Contact or just no expectations.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just goes away. That sounds like a guy thing.
Speaker 4: There, we just that does. It's called the gradual fade.
Speaker 2: Okay, it's like sudden foment. Yeah, you just got. It's
Speaker 2: like ghosting, slow ghosting.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, it's slow ghosting, gradual faide. They say that's
Speaker 3: appropriate if you had a if it's a newer friendship,
Speaker 3: if it's a more casual friendship, that happens. I think
Speaker 3: I've had gradual faids and it was never like I
Speaker 3: made a decision, it's just what happened.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's that sounds different to me. That sounds like
Speaker 2: people just floating apart, drifting apart.
Speaker 3: A lot of times it's jobs changes or or you
Speaker 3: move cities and it just whatever. But they say you
Speaker 3: should and you need mentally, emotionally a conversation.
Speaker 4: If a long time friend.
Speaker 3: Or someone who has been extremely close to you that
Speaker 3: doesn't want to reciprocate or for whatever reason doesn't want
Speaker 3: to talk, that it's important to try and get that
Speaker 3: closing conversation, that it does matter, that it does help
Speaker 3: with with with closure for both sides. And so they say,
Speaker 3: if both parties agree, the tip is to keep it broad,
Speaker 3: don't make it personal, don't get into the you did
Speaker 3: this and you said this and that's why I'm upset.
Speaker 1: Wait.
Speaker 2: The suggestion is that an official breakup needs to happen
Speaker 2: like an official.
Speaker 3: Yes, but it's the healthy way to do it because
Speaker 3: at least both parties can leave without this feeling of
Speaker 3: anger and like you actually can resolve it by keeping
Speaker 3: it broad. And look, this is hilarious because this is
Speaker 3: the it's not you, it's me speech. But that is
Speaker 3: what they suggest. They say that you should keep it broad.
Speaker 3: Do not get into every grievance, every issue, every pain,
Speaker 3: everything you're upset about. But to just say, I'm going
Speaker 3: through some big changes right now and I'm not sure
Speaker 3: I can be the friend to you that I was before.
Speaker 1: Stop. Nobody has ever had that conversation.
Speaker 3: Bro. They said, don't make it about them, make it
Speaker 3: about what's going on in your life.
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, I just don't find that to be realistic.
Speaker 2: And fine, I know they're the experts and this is
Speaker 2: the way it should go. Yes, have you ever had
Speaker 2: a conversation like that?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: Yeah, can imagine sending a friend down you know what,
Speaker 2: I just can't be the friend to you I need.
Speaker 1: To be, So I just.
Speaker 4: I don't know how genuine that would feel. That this
Speaker 4: is what the.
Speaker 3: Experts suggest, And I understand because if you get it,
Speaker 3: if you get into every tit for tat. They're just
Speaker 3: going to argue and they're going to just defend themselves
Speaker 3: and it's just gonna blow up and it's gonna end back.
Speaker 1: Do you have to contact that person again? Go on?
Speaker 1: Everybody's gone on with their lives.
Speaker 3: What if the person who you don't want to be
Speaker 3: friends with is constantly texting you and asking you to
Speaker 3: go out and hang out and you just don't want to,
Speaker 3: then you might need to have that conversation with them.
Speaker 1: But what has happened that it's so one sided?
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I thought that was part of the issue. Yeah, somebody
Speaker 2: is not reaching out, So you're the problem in the relationship.
Speaker 4: Possibly. I mean, I'm just saying you could be on
Speaker 4: either side of it.
Speaker 3: They're just saying a conversation is best, and a broad
Speaker 3: conversation is the best strategy.
Speaker 4: You're like, I prefer the gradual fade.
Speaker 1: It just it's not even gradual. I just I stopped
Speaker 1: talking to you. We don't, we don't roll.
Speaker 4: Again, abrupt goodbye.
Speaker 1: It's just oh, but I don't even think about it
Speaker 1: being a good.
Speaker 4: Pri can irish goodbye? It's like you just leave.
Speaker 2: But there are friends I had at places I used
Speaker 2: to work when I moved. I know I talked to
Speaker 2: those people again, but we were friends, we were hanging
Speaker 2: out together, and just it's I.
Speaker 4: Mean, yes, that's obviously happened to me too. You know
Speaker 4: what will happen though.
Speaker 3: Every now and then on social media, though, you'll get
Speaker 3: a like, or you'll get a little comment or I'm
Speaker 3: so bad at looking at my dms, you'll get a
Speaker 3: DM like it is nice. Sometimes someone will blastem your
Speaker 3: past ten years ago. You'll get this every now and again.
Speaker 1: I haven't looked a D five.
Speaker 4: I know you don't even you don't even look at
Speaker 4: your texts.
Speaker 1: I haven't posted in.
Speaker 3: And it doesn't come from me or Sabine. You're like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm not looking at that pretty much.
Speaker 2: And Lola, when you all are with me, I don't
Speaker 2: look at my phone at all. If you want to
Speaker 2: make sure, you're not gonna get a message to tj
Speaker 2: Olmes message while his two ladies are with him.
Speaker 1: There's no reason look at my phone.
Speaker 4: We're all the friends you need. No, no, you do.
Speaker 3: You do text back and forth with your boys. I'm abeasing,
Speaker 3: but no, I I just thought this was really interesting.
Speaker 3: It's something that most of us, if not all of
Speaker 3: us listening to this, have gone through. And I just
Speaker 3: think some of those red flags were really telling. And
Speaker 3: I especially liked the one that said, it's telling how
Speaker 3: willing someone is to fight for the relationship. That's like,
Speaker 3: to me, the biggest acknowledgment about whether or not this
Speaker 3: is something that you should continue to work on.
Speaker 2: Where do you fall out so much that you need
Speaker 2: to end a relationship. I'm saying I don't.
Speaker 4: It's usually dramatic, right, I haven't.
Speaker 2: Had Yeah, if something is that big of a deal,
Speaker 2: these rules don't seem to apply.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Maybe this is just in general for some of those
Speaker 3: some of those more casual friendships and relationships, the serious ones.
Speaker 4: Hopefully you all can talk it.
Speaker 2: Out serious and casual. All the rules are the same,
Speaker 2: but we handle them all the same.
Speaker 4: Way, all right.
Speaker 3: And with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us.
Speaker 3: I made me, Wroteboch alongside DJ Holmes.
Speaker 4: We'll talk to you, Sam