WEBVTT - How To Know When Your Friendship Isn’t Worth Saving 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:02.440 Taylor. 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:08.080 Folks, it is Saturday, June thirteenth, a relationship Saturday, you know, 0:00:08.240 --> 0:00:10.119 the day we spend so much time with the people 0:00:10.200 --> 0:00:12.960 we love, whether that's somebody we're in a relationship with 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:16.400 or with a friend. But Robes has been telling me 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:19.880 she has been dying to talk about this this week. 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:23.319 When do you know there are some friendships you just 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:25.919 need to let go of? And with that, welcome to 0:00:25.960 --> 0:00:29.720 this episode of Amy and TJ on this Saturday. Yes, friends, 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:33.320 family and relationships. People spend these Saturdays together. A lot 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:37.680 of time is spent on relationships on Saturday, including friendships. 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:41.920 But this might be your last Saturday with this particular friend. 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:43.519 After you listen to Robach. 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:46.519 Well, I'm curious from a man's perspective, I think all 0:00:46.560 --> 0:00:48.199 the ladies listening know that. 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:48.839 Girls. 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:52.440 I just think throughout the arg of a girl's life, 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:54.840 you go through some friends and there are some really 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:58.920 tough friendships, and you're oftentimes wondering in different phases of 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:01.200 your life whether or not a friendship is worth saving 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:04.400 or if you should go ahead and break off a friendship. 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:07.200 Do men have those same dilemmas throughout their lives? 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:12.200 Generally, No, we just end a friendship, never heard from 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:14.920 him again, or we fight it out or something. It's 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:17.280 just not And I've learned a lot from watching you 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:19.600 and also watching Love Island, and you explain things to 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:23.320 me to where men just don't have oftentimes the complications 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:26.160 you all seem to have. And we're in your face 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:28.480 about it, right, you all play games. 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:30.120 Oh we're passive aggressive. 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:30.840 Yeah we don't. 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:32.440 Yes, we're passive aggressive. 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:39.000 We don't directly confront issues often and we try to 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:40.560 manipulate and control. 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:42.920 That is just the way we are. I can honestly 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:43.479 admit that. 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:46.440 Okay, there's a you know, I love my stand up comics, 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:49.000 and there was a guys have talked about this. 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:50.160 Dudes don't do this. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:52.480 We say, I saw this guy, he went that way. 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:54.360 I called him a name, I punched him in a face, 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:55.680 and that was the end up Like we just got 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:58.200 into a fight. It was done like a very few 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:02.120 steps in a male just I'm Marvel. We will have 0:02:02.160 --> 0:02:03.880 a Love Island episode up here in a bit. 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.920 But watching how men handle conflict with one another versus 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:11.000 how women handle conflict with one another, it is remarkable. 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:14.560 Been five episodes of women conflict. Two dou handled it 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:17.639 in thirty seconds, may the best man win, and they 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:18.280 moved on. 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:19.840 Yes, that's how we end. 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:21.480 It's crazy to watch. 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:25.160 So yes, us women, this probably is for the ladies 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:29.200 listening solely because you probably you were kind of like 0:02:29.240 --> 0:02:30.920 when I explained this article, I was like, this is 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:34.320 so good. They had relationship experts talk about how to 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:37.320 know whether or not you should end a friendship, and 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:40.000 once you make that determination, how to end it. 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:41.760 And you looked at me like I had three eyes. 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:45.320 You're like, what, Okay? First of all, it was about 0:02:45.360 --> 0:02:47.600 how to know, first of all, if you need to 0:02:47.600 --> 0:02:48.600 get rid of a friendship. 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:50.760 Yes, okay, I'm dying to hear this because I mean 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:52.680 this all applied to everybody though, right. 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:56.040 I think, yeah, absolutely, And look they start on these 0:02:56.680 --> 0:03:00.560 this foundation that you should recognize that friendships are built. 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:04.240 They don't just exist like family relationships. They're there, but 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:08.840 a friendship is built, it's chosen, and most friendships require 0:03:09.360 --> 0:03:13.160 small but meaningful acts of maintenance. And if you don't 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:16.440 or aren't willing to do those things, it probably is 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:17.480 pointing to something. 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:19.600 Well was considered maintenance in a friendship. 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:22.480 Just checking in texting, even if you no longer live 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:25.760 with or around or near one another. It's just that effort. 0:03:26.120 --> 0:03:29.360 A friendship requires effort, I guess is the point. But 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:34.840 imbalance is inevitable and changes often take place with different 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:35.839 phases of your life. 0:03:35.880 --> 0:03:36.560 And so I don't know. 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:39.680 Again, men might be different, but women, we move around, 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:42.120 we get married, maybe we get divorced, we have kids 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:46.320 who're working, we're not working. All of those dramatically impact 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:48.800 the level of closeness you have with a friend. 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:49.720 Same for men. 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:52.720 Okay, all right, we're with you so far. All right, 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:53.920 So that's the foundation. 0:03:54.240 --> 0:03:57.839 Here are three signs, according to the experts, that it's 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.240 time to reevaluate and potentially end your friendship. 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:02.640 What we're gonna do one at a time. You're gonna 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:03.880 name them all and then we just got how we're 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:04.160 gonna do it. 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:04.880 We'll do one at a time. 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:09.120 Okay, you can't be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship. 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:12.400 Oh god, yeah, women. 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:14.600 That will land like you need to try and can 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:17.040 amend what you think or believe or want to do 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:19.520 to try and make the other person happy. So the 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:22.359 point being is with your friends, you got to be 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.080 able to be authentic. That's the whole point of a 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:28.520 friendship to be able to tell your friend what you 0:04:28.560 --> 0:04:30.960 really think. Maybe something you wouldn't tell your significant other 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:32.640 because they might fall out of love with you if 0:04:32.640 --> 0:04:33.320 they heard. 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:35.480 But something you can. You need to have that friend 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:37.160 that you can tell anything and everything too. 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:39.520 Say the thing again, how's it put? 0:04:39.760 --> 0:04:42.760 The sign that it's time to reevaluate your friendship is 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:47.200 you cannot be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship. 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:50.000 Man, I can't think of one. Do you have one 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.520 even in the past five years? 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:57.000 No, I can't, because here are the signs. You're softening 0:04:57.040 --> 0:05:01.599 your opinions, you downplay your accomplished, you pretend to be 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:06.200 more agreeable, you're trying to secure approval, and you're trying 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:10.520 to avoid judgment. And anyway, they're just saying a friendship. 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:12.640 I thought this was really interesting. Think about it like this. 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:17.000 The bare minimum of a healthy friendship is feeling understood 0:05:17.040 --> 0:05:19.479 and accepted for who you actually are. 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:24.839 Understood and accepted for who you actually are. Okay, I 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:26.960 had a question I was about to ask, does this apply? 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:29.880 Does it matter the need to be male male friendships, 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:32.600 women women friendships? Does it matter if it's man woman 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:33.080 doesn't matter? 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:34.720 Gay? Straight? Does This is just friendships. 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:35.720 This is friendship period. 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:37.960 I mean you and I had a deep friendship for 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:40.320 eight years and I feel like I was the person 0:05:40.360 --> 0:05:42.000 you came to to feel understood. 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:45.400 Yeah, you know, it makes it easy to date later 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:48.239 on because you don't have anything to hide, like O, hell. 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:51.239 I love all you're ugly, and you saw allmine. 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:54.360 And she's still here, then we're good. Okay, that's not 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:57.760 a guy I'd never Yeah, the thing you say that 0:05:57.839 --> 0:05:59.840 about softening opinions or changing things? 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:00.599 Girls do that? 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:03.160 Think of anything or any guy I've ever been around 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:06.080 where I am tiptoeing in some way, or. 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:08.360 It's a need to be liked. 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:11.520 It's a desire to be wanted at all costs, even 0:06:11.520 --> 0:06:13.960 if it means removing part of who you are. That's 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:15.919 a sign you're not in a good friendship. That's a 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:17.920 sign that that might not be someone you should be 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:22.039 friends with it Okay, number two, here's another sign. You 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:26.680 organize and initiate every interaction. That's a big red flag. 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:31.440 So look, a busy friend will make time to feel 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:34.320 like you matter, even if it's just a text. Because yes, 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:37.040 I will admit I sometimes feel like I'm not being 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:38.920 as good of a friend because I'm so busy. We're 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:41.880 working NonStop, but I will text and say how's your 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.080 day going? Like, there are ways if you want to 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:45.640 be in a friendship with someone and you want to 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:49.280 have a relationship with someone. I text my friends almost 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:54.200 every day, but at least every other day. Yeah, guys 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:54.800 aren't the same. 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:59.159 If that's the case, you organize initiate every interaction all 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:01.719 of my friends. We should just all break up now 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:04.440 because guys, we don't hear from each other for weeks 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.720 and then all of a sudden it's hot. We just 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:09.840 don't do that. We don't check in every day every 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.560 other day. We got friends that are bit Two of 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:15.560 my busiest friends ever just hit me up invited me 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:19.160 to watch the NBA Finals game going out tonight. We're 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:22.120 not there, but yeah, what I'm saying is we come 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:24.800 up with stuff randomly here and there. We don't we 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:26.320 don't just check in every two days. 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:27.520 But it isn't one sided. 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:29.720 Like you will check in on them, they'll check in 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.400 on it a couple of weeks. Yeah, Like, guys are 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.320 different and different. And also I have different friendships where 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:37.800 I have a couple girlfriends who we live far apart, 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.640 we haven't seen each other in a while, but every couple, 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:44.680 like on birthdays, on Mother's Day, on certain days. 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:46.680 Or you'll just throw a throat like Sarah Hanes. 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:48.760 Will throw me a throwback picture from ten years ago 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:50.800 and say thinking of you, and I might not have 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:51.920 heard from her in a month. 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:53.080 So I have friends like that. 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:55.360 But that's just a it's a it's a show of hey, 0:07:56.160 --> 0:07:58.920 I still care about you, and we might be in 0:07:58.920 --> 0:08:02.240 different faces right now, but like, here's here's the good thing. 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:03.920 I like, this is a good way to look at it. 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.760 What would happen if you stop reaching out? Would there 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:09.120 even be a friendship anymore? 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:12.880 I'm trying to think of anybody. If I stop reaching 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:16.680 out to Oh no, I would get welfare checks exactly. 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:18.640 So that means those are your friends. But that is 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:20.560 a really good way to look at it. If you 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.400 stopped reaching out, would you ever hear from them again? 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:23.720 You know what? 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:25.760 The only have one friend like that, and you'll know, 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:27.400 I kind of want to call him out, you know, 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:30.760 it is the only one because he's a malicious He's 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:35.080 a moron. He's an absolute maron. I can't stand him. 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:38.120 He is I hate him and he knows I'm talking 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:40.880 about him right now. I'm going to afford him this episode, 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:44.000 and we could call him out publicly because he's publicly. 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:44.680 Known, and he would laugh. 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:48.360 No, he wouldn't. He'd start calling Oh. 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:49.439 All right, well maybe you should send him this. I 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:49.840 love it. 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:51.440 I would never call Matt out like that. 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:53.160 Haha, I love it. 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:56.280 You just said his name, all right. Number three, here's 0:08:56.320 --> 0:09:01.680 the third sign. You can't work through problems together. That 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:05.880 sounds obvious, but it's basically people who care about a 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:09.560 friendship act like it. Basically believe people when they show 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:13.840 you who you are. So you should be able to apologize, 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:18.240 sit through uncomfortable conversations, and then change behavior based on 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.840 those conversations. And I can say Nicky and I have 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:24.480 had maybe two tough conversations and they were uncomfortable and 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:27.000 we were fighting, and it seems weird because when you 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:29.040 see us, we don't seem like people who would ever fight, 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:33.280 But those were actually transformational conversations where we understood each other. 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:35.959 And so yes, if you can't have those conversations or 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:39.400 you're afraid to have that conversation with someone, you probably 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:41.199 shouldn't be in a friendship with them. 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:42.560 I'm trying to think of one fight. 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:45.240 I have a hat, what a dude, and we had 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:47.480 to work through something in our friendship. 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:47.959 I can't remember. 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:51.120 I'm thinking about just that idea with men in general. 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.559 It sounds funny, not that it isn't true and it 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.400 isn't real, but it sounds funny because it just doesn't 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:57.440 seem like something men. 0:09:57.600 --> 0:09:58.400 Trying to find one. 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:00.800 The only uncomfortable had convers I had with a friend 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:02.760 was Chuck, and he was mad at me because I 0:10:02.840 --> 0:10:05.400 was leaving one job and going to another place and 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:06.040 he thought that was. 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:06.640 A bad move. 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:07.480 He cared about you. 0:10:07.559 --> 0:10:09.920 He was really trying to get me to stop, and 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:10.800 that was uncomfortable. 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:10.959 I me. 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:14.080 It was Oceanaire at the bar in Atlanta. I remember 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:17.439 it to this day, and erbes I didn't listen to him. 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:23.360 The friendship continue. But at the end of that, you 0:10:23.400 --> 0:10:26.800 know what happened. I do you do you like? He 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:29.600 tried and tried and tried, but at the end, fuck it, 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.480 that's your call. You do your thing. And we continued on, 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:34.880 but he was not. That was the most uncomfortable conversation 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:35.360 I've ever had. 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:37.640 Interesting, but it's because he cared about you. So that 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:39.040 you knew where. 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:41.000 It was coming from. And that actually is a sign 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:42.199 of a good relationship. 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:44.000 Art that was more than a decade ago. I can't 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:45.680 remember another confrontation with them. 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:49.600 Yes, yes, and that okay, and my point, yes, and 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:53.480 I think my worst friendship breakup ever. Actually, I've had 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:56.040 two really really tough ones, and you know how they 0:10:56.160 --> 0:10:59.640 ended with the refusal of the other party to talk 0:10:59.679 --> 0:10:59.880 to me. 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:01.600 And that is when. 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.520 That's the biggest red sign ever, I mean red flag 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:06.920 and the biggest sign ever. I just complated those two 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:09.800 things because this is what the bottom line is. It 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:14.760 is telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship. 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:17.320 You can be mad, you can be sad, you can 0:11:17.360 --> 0:11:20.000 be hurt, but if you are unwilling to fight for 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:22.120 the relationship, you should walk away. 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:26.800 I'm with you on that, But that was that whole situa. 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:28.240 Now i't get into that again. But yes, I get 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:31.360 what you're saying. In the larger point, I don't know. 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:34.680 It's don't we know. I'll ask you, don't you know? 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:36.959 And the friendships use lost and things that happened over 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:38.199 the years. Let me hell go back to your high 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:40.360 school days. Yeah, after you lost them or you're really 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:43.560 that surprised after you give reflection and look back on it, 0:11:43.559 --> 0:11:44.600 are you really that surprised? 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:47.280 I have one that know on one of them, But yes, 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.559 I am still surprised about one of them. I feel 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:52.640 I actually feel fooled. Yes, it's the one that surprised 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:55.040 me the most. I had another one that when I 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:57.440 looked back, I thought, yeah, there were signs. 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:01.120 And the one you're talking about, your mama not surprised. 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:04.400 Yes, you could see things that I couldn't. All right, 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:08.040 So when we come back, this is pretty cool. Not 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:11.480 only did these experts give the warning signs, but they 0:12:11.520 --> 0:12:14.760 also gave some advice on what to do if your 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:27.640 friendship is no longer serving you. And welcome back everyone 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:32.199 to this Saturday Relationship episode of Amy and DJ. And 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:35.000 it's not just about romantic relationships here we talk about 0:12:35.040 --> 0:12:35.720 on the podcast. 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:39.319 It's friendships too, platonic ones. Those are so important. 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:42.280 I can't imagine my life without friends, and I know 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:43.400 most people feel. 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:43.760 The same way. 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:48.240 It's the people you turn to and typically you give 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:53.360 your deepest, darkest secrets to and they're entrusted with a 0:12:53.400 --> 0:12:55.640 part of your soul. I think it's such an important 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:58.560 part of relationships or just how you go through life 0:12:58.600 --> 0:12:59.439 is who your friends are. 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:02.960 I think that's that's probably something with women when it 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:07.439 comes to I mean even relationships, romantic relationships. Right, trusts vulnerability, 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:12.000 and you give that over unabashedly to another woman. So 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:15.920 when that woman then breaks up with you and she 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:20.520 takes all that with her, that stings. It sings sometimes 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:24.080 that your spouse doesn't correct and sometimes uses things against you, 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:26.680 or it can get ugly, it can get nasty. 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:28.160 So how to keep it from doing that? 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:31.000 Look, we gave you the warning signs according to experts 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:34.400 about when your friendship might need to end, But how 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.400 do you break up with a friend? I thought this 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:38.800 was interesting because I just told you before the break 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:42.560 the two that I really remember didn't end with some 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:46.960 explosive argument. They just refuse to speak about an issue. 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:50.400 So they say, most friendships do not end with a 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:57.840 dramatic confrontation or a talk. Most friendships dissolve through gradual fade, less. 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:00.560 Contact or just no expectations. 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:03.880 Yeah, just goes away. That sounds like a guy thing. 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:07.280 There, we just that does. It's called the gradual fade. 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:09.840 Okay, it's like sudden foment. Yeah, you just got. It's 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:11.120 like ghosting, slow ghosting. 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:15.080 Yeah, yes, it's slow ghosting, gradual faide. They say that's 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:18.000 appropriate if you had a if it's a newer friendship, 0:14:18.000 --> 0:14:20.240 if it's a more casual friendship, that happens. I think 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:22.920 I've had gradual faids and it was never like I 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:25.400 made a decision, it's just what happened. 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:27.920 Okay, that's that sounds different to me. That sounds like 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:30.000 people just floating apart, drifting apart. 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:32.880 A lot of times it's jobs changes or or you 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.760 move cities and it just whatever. But they say you 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:39.800 should and you need mentally, emotionally a conversation. 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:42.480 If a long time friend. 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:47.000 Or someone who has been extremely close to you that 0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:49.640 doesn't want to reciprocate or for whatever reason doesn't want 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:52.680 to talk, that it's important to try and get that 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:55.800 closing conversation, that it does matter, that it does help 0:14:55.880 --> 0:15:00.720 with with with closure for both sides. And so they say, 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:04.480 if both parties agree, the tip is to keep it broad, 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:07.720 don't make it personal, don't get into the you did 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:09.960 this and you said this and that's why I'm upset. 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:10.280 Wait. 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:12.920 The suggestion is that an official breakup needs to happen 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:13.920 like an official. 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.720 Yes, but it's the healthy way to do it because 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:19.440 at least both parties can leave without this feeling of 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:23.600 anger and like you actually can resolve it by keeping 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.880 it broad. And look, this is hilarious because this is 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:28.320 the it's not you, it's me speech. But that is 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:31.040 what they suggest. They say that you should keep it broad. 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.160 Do not get into every grievance, every issue, every pain, 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:37.080 everything you're upset about. But to just say, I'm going 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.600 through some big changes right now and I'm not sure 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:41.760 I can be the friend to you that I was before. 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:45.680 Stop. Nobody has ever had that conversation. 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:49.160 Bro. They said, don't make it about them, make it 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:50.560 about what's going on in your life. 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:52.840 Okay, fine, I just don't find that to be realistic. 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:55.000 And fine, I know they're the experts and this is 0:15:55.040 --> 0:15:56.560 the way it should go. Yes, have you ever had 0:15:56.600 --> 0:15:57.560 a conversation like that? 0:15:58.560 --> 0:15:58.720 No? 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:02.000 Yeah, can imagine sending a friend down you know what, 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:05.120 I just can't be the friend to you I need. 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:05.680 To be, So I just. 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:09.560 I don't know how genuine that would feel. That this 0:16:09.640 --> 0:16:10.040 is what the. 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:13.120 Experts suggest, And I understand because if you get it, 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:16.200 if you get into every tit for tat. They're just 0:16:16.240 --> 0:16:18.440 going to argue and they're going to just defend themselves 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:20.440 and it's just gonna blow up and it's gonna end back. 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:24.000 Do you have to contact that person again? Go on? 0:16:24.200 --> 0:16:25.760 Everybody's gone on with their lives. 0:16:26.160 --> 0:16:28.680 What if the person who you don't want to be 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:31.040 friends with is constantly texting you and asking you to 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:33.560 go out and hang out and you just don't want to, 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:36.480 then you might need to have that conversation with them. 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:38.960 But what has happened that it's so one sided? 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:40.760 I don't know. 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:42.520 I thought that was part of the issue. Yeah, somebody 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:44.880 is not reaching out, So you're the problem in the relationship. 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:46.520 Possibly. I mean, I'm just saying you could be on 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:47.240 either side of it. 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.880 They're just saying a conversation is best, and a broad 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:53.880 conversation is the best strategy. 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:56.200 You're like, I prefer the gradual fade. 0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:58.920 It just it's not even gradual. I just I stopped 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:01.240 talking to you. We don't, we don't roll. 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:02.920 Again, abrupt goodbye. 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:04.520 It's just oh, but I don't even think about it 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:05.080 being a good. 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:07.080 Pri can irish goodbye? It's like you just leave. 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:09.679 But there are friends I had at places I used 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:12.200 to work when I moved. I know I talked to 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:15.159 those people again, but we were friends, we were hanging 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:18.240 out together, and just it's I. 0:17:18.200 --> 0:17:20.720 Mean, yes, that's obviously happened to me too. You know 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:21.439 what will happen though. 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:23.359 Every now and then on social media, though, you'll get 0:17:23.400 --> 0:17:26.000 a like, or you'll get a little comment or I'm 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:27.720 so bad at looking at my dms, you'll get a 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:30.560 DM like it is nice. Sometimes someone will blastem your 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:32.880 past ten years ago. You'll get this every now and again. 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:33.960 I haven't looked a D five. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:35.520 I know you don't even you don't even look at 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:35.960 your texts. 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:37.240 I haven't posted in. 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:40.520 And it doesn't come from me or Sabine. You're like, yeah, 0:17:40.520 --> 0:17:44.200 I'm not looking at that pretty much. 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:46.200 And Lola, when you all are with me, I don't 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:47.800