Speaker 1: Ninety nine percent of arguments have nothing to do with
Speaker 1: facts that is actually a fact. And dead ass. I
Speaker 1: swear I don't be trying to piss you off the valve.
Speaker 1: It just be happiness sometimes that remains to be seen.
Speaker 1: Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadein and I'm Devout and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our voice and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh,
Speaker 1: and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of them life's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're
Speaker 1: actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We take pillow talk to
Speaker 1: a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. Just
Speaker 1: know that there's two sides to every story, Y'allso go
Speaker 1: ahead with your story, Tundvale. You see you see how
Speaker 1: I didn't even get a chance to say anything and
Speaker 1: she's already ready to argue. You see that I was
Speaker 1: making a disclaimer. Okay, I'm gonna tell y'all how me
Speaker 1: and k had one of them. First of all, this
Speaker 1: here is the answer to the number one question I
Speaker 1: get on social media. Do you and KaDee ever argue? Yes? Fuck? Yeah, yes?
Speaker 1: And it gets crazy sometimes it does, okay. And the
Speaker 1: reason why people say we don't ever see I argue, yeah,
Speaker 1: because we're too big the arguing to pick up a
Speaker 1: phone and show you that we arguing. That's the only
Speaker 1: reason why you don't see it. But we being here arguing,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna tell you why. I don't remember the date,
Speaker 1: but we did have a podcast where I talked about burnout,
Speaker 1: and we talked about burnout, and I told you we
Speaker 1: were going to do a whole podcast about how to burnout.
Speaker 1: Turned out to be a burnout in our marriage, right.
Speaker 1: Kadeen was what Kadeen is still the matron of honor
Speaker 1: and her best friend Tiffany's wedding was also. I know
Speaker 1: that's your best friend, but Tiffany was more like my friend.
Speaker 1: But that's now argue about who French is whatever. Any who,
Speaker 1: my college roommate my college sweet mate Stephen Bowing and
Speaker 1: his ex wife Tiffany Bowen. We met them around the
Speaker 1: same time. But Tiffany and I used to argue all
Speaker 1: the time when we used to go on couples retreats
Speaker 1: because we have the same personality. Yeah, you all are
Speaker 1: very similar. So because of that, we created a bond
Speaker 1: where it's just like, that's my homie. Everybody used to
Speaker 1: be like y'all always arguing. We like to debate, we
Speaker 1: like to challenge each other, and we like to challenge
Speaker 1: popular thought. If there's one thing about me, if you
Speaker 1: guys haven't noticed, is that I'm never just gonna say
Speaker 1: what everyone else is saying just to be a part
Speaker 1: of the chamber or the conversation, because a lot of
Speaker 1: times we'll be like, oh, don't you have something to
Speaker 1: say about X, y Z that's happening out in current events,
Speaker 1: and you're just like, no, I'm not gonna jump in
Speaker 1: any argument or every argument, nor am I going to
Speaker 1: piggyback off of somebody else's thoughts idea. So I only
Speaker 1: feel to engage in conversations if I have an original thought,
Speaker 1: which is why so often I've always been like the
Speaker 1: topic of conversation because they'd be like, what the fuck
Speaker 1: is the val talking about? It's an original thought. I
Speaker 1: don't feel like I'm helping if I'm going to just
Speaker 1: keep saying what everybody else is saying so people can say, yeah,
Speaker 1: the val is right. Nah. If I agree with that
Speaker 1: everybody else is saying in my opinion, doesn't really matter
Speaker 1: any as much. But if I think it's different than
Speaker 1: I'll say something. But that's neither here, no there. Tiffany
Speaker 1: and I have the same personality. Were also both very
Speaker 1: type A workaholics, and you and Steve were both very
Speaker 1: laid back, like I don't on a vacation. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to drink and tan and have fun. I don't feel
Speaker 1: like debating about politics. So me and Tiffany became real close.
Speaker 1: But Kay and Tiffany became really really close as they
Speaker 1: shared a lot of bonds as moms and wives of
Speaker 1: NFL players. And you two best friends because me and
Speaker 1: Steve are close, like, we're extremely close. So she is
Speaker 1: what was the matron of honor in her wedding. Steve
Speaker 1: and Tiffany got divorced. Tiffany remarried shout out to Dane,
Speaker 1: great guy, and here's the thing. If there's ever two
Speaker 1: people who you need to watch co parents, oh for sure,
Speaker 1: and create a space for each other to be happy
Speaker 1: to move forward after divorce, it's Tiffany and Steve. That's
Speaker 1: the blunt. I don't know how they were able to well.
Speaker 1: I mean they did go to therapy, but amicably split
Speaker 1: and then support each other in business and business ventures,
Speaker 1: children relationships afterwards. It was just amazing to watch he
Speaker 1: remarried and she was getting married in Jamaica. I wanted
Speaker 1: to be They're so bad. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: gave you that whole backstory is because Tiffany is my friend.
Speaker 1: Like I know she's your friend, but she was my
Speaker 1: friend when I started my training business and I was
Speaker 1: starting to build. She hired me to be her trainer.
Speaker 1: She didn't say, yo, let me get the homie discount.
Speaker 1: I used to drive to Harlem. She paid me my
Speaker 1: market value, and we used to spend an hour and
Speaker 1: a half three times a week building and like helping
Speaker 1: her build her body, but also just talking about what
Speaker 1: we wanted for ourselves, Like it was therapy for both
Speaker 1: of us. So I really wanted to go to this
Speaker 1: wedding and it was in Jamaica. We had a long year,
Speaker 1: so I was just ready to just get away. I
Speaker 1: told you guys the story about how I was burnt out.
Speaker 1: I passed out in my room when we were filming.
Speaker 1: Sisters and Crystal came in and the medic came in
Speaker 1: and all this stuff happened, and I thought I was
Speaker 1: having a stroke. At this time, Kay was already in Jamaica.
Speaker 1: That was a Friday. Kad left for Jamaica on the Wednesday,
Speaker 1: the boys had gotten sick. My parents flew in to
Speaker 1: help me because they knew I was filming and the
Speaker 1: boys needed needed help moving from practice to school. So
Speaker 1: my parents flew in and Kay did her best. She
Speaker 1: also got my grandparents to come in, so there were
Speaker 1: four adults and my sister came in. Five adults, but
Speaker 1: everybody got sick that Friday. I'm driving home. I'm disoriented.
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to get home because it's a about
Speaker 1: an hour ride from the studio to the crib and
Speaker 1: I'm driving. I'm driving, and I'm like, let me call
Speaker 1: Kay so I could talk to somebody on my way home.
Speaker 1: I called. I said, hey, baby, I had an incident
Speaker 1: at work. I'm not feeling well. They almost had to
Speaker 1: call an ambulance. I told him not to because I
Speaker 1: wanted to finish filming and I'm telling Kay all this
Speaker 1: stuff that's going on, and Kay's first words back to
Speaker 1: me were, so, you're not gonna make it to Jamaica.
Speaker 1: And that was the beginning of the snowball effect. That
Speaker 1: became the biggest miscommunication we've had in five years. It's
Speaker 1: been about five years at the very least, maybe seven years,
Speaker 1: because the last time we had an argument like this
Speaker 1: or a miscommunication that became this big was in the gym,
Speaker 1: which we talked about in the book, when you told
Speaker 1: me you were pregnant with Kiro right well, right before
Speaker 1: you told me you're pregnant with Kiro, because once she
Speaker 1: told me she was pregnant with Kiro, that's when the
Speaker 1: whole all the arguments went out the window. But she
Speaker 1: said You're not going to make it to Jamaica. Instantly,
Speaker 1: I'm feeling taking for granted, I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling
Speaker 1: like okay, so clearly my health isn't a priority right here.
Speaker 1: All you care about is me getting to Jamaica so
Speaker 1: that I could be there with you. Because everyone else
Speaker 1: has their partner there, and I'm just telling her. I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. Yeah, I'll see how I feel in
Speaker 1: the morning, but as of right now, I really don't
Speaker 1: feel like well. I don't know if I should travel
Speaker 1: because I also don't know if I have the flu
Speaker 1: or if I have COVID or whatever. I don't want
Speaker 1: to give it to people. And I'm talking to her
Speaker 1: about how I feel, and she goes, well, whatever you do,
Speaker 1: make sure you called Delta to get your money back.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, dang, she's just talking about the flight.
Speaker 1: She still hasn't even asked me if I'm okay. And
Speaker 1: I got home, I told her I was home. My
Speaker 1: parents were here. They gave me some hot tea and everything.
Speaker 1: I went to sleep, and that was the last conversation
Speaker 1: I had had with Kay, because Kay was in Jamaica
Speaker 1: doing her duties as a matron of honor. The rest
Speaker 1: of the story, I'm going to bring k in on
Speaker 1: because I want her to give her side while I
Speaker 1: give my side to y'all, don't get lost. But that
Speaker 1: was the beginning of the biggest miscommunication in our marriage
Speaker 1: in the past seven years. Listen, I am alone at
Speaker 1: a crossroads. Baby, I'm not at home in my own home,
Speaker 1: and I tried and tried. You should have no, So no, listen,
Speaker 1: when you tell people they should have known, that's probably
Speaker 1: the first mistake that you make. Yes, in communication, spiraling
Speaker 1: out of control. Yes, assuming that people should know how
Speaker 1: you feel is a problem. Yes, So let's take a
Speaker 1: little break, pay some bills, and we'll come back and
Speaker 1: we'll give y'all. We'll do a little dance here. We'll
Speaker 1: do a dance and dissect. Yeah, we'll do a dance.
Speaker 1: We'll go back and forth and talk about what happened.
Speaker 1: And I don't think it's necessarily that we're going to
Speaker 1: decipher who was right or wrong, but at least we
Speaker 1: can understand better. Are we not going to have to
Speaker 1: decipher that. Let's take a break and come back anyway? Anyway,
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, we're back. Um, And where did you
Speaker 1: leave off in the story? So Friday night you came
Speaker 1: home right. So, Initially, when Devout called me, my first instinct, yes,
Speaker 1: was to be disappointed, because literally the entire time that
Speaker 1: I was there, from the Wednesday, I was looking forward
Speaker 1: to him getting to Jamaica so that we can be
Speaker 1: together eight because we had not been away except for
Speaker 1: Saint Lucia before that weekend. But at that point, you know,
Speaker 1: it's a wedding weekend. Y'all know how wedding weekends are.
Speaker 1: Everybody's in love. The atmosphere is amazing. Jamaica is our
Speaker 1: favorite place to visit. Its where I'm from. We're both
Speaker 1: dual citizens, so my entire family was also there, my
Speaker 1: brother and my sister, my parents, My best friend Christina
Speaker 1: came and devots absence to kind of hold stuff down
Speaker 1: because she's also friends with Tiffany Brendon, my sister's fiance
Speaker 1: was there. So everyone was literally like, damn, we can't wait.
Speaker 1: An avowed to get here, so anything that transpired between
Speaker 1: Wednesday and Friday, we were all like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Devo would love this, So wait till Val gets here,
Speaker 1: Wait till he gets here. So the initial reaction with
Speaker 1: disappointment when I heard that you weren't feeling willing, you
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to make it. And that's in turn
Speaker 1: why I said, dull shit, make sure you hit delta,
Speaker 1: because I know it was also going to be timely.
Speaker 1: You were supposed to check into a flight and get
Speaker 1: on a flight within a couple hours, and that plane
Speaker 1: ticket was like twenty five hundred dollars, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to go so bad. I bought two plane tickets, one
Speaker 1: on a Friday night yea, and one on a Saturday
Speaker 1: because I wanted to. I wanted to get if they're
Speaker 1: so bad that I wanted to make sure, okay, if
Speaker 1: I can't get there the Friday evening or at least
Speaker 1: already have my plane ticket on Saturday to go, I
Speaker 1: really wanted to go right, So part of me was like, shit,
Speaker 1: that cost the grip. So I was like calling immediately
Speaker 1: to cancel your flight. But I also stayed on the
Speaker 1: phone with you because you said you weren't feeling well.
Speaker 1: You're passed out, so I was concerned about you driving
Speaker 1: home alone. So I said, all right, let me step
Speaker 1: away from and things. We're kind of winding now activities
Speaker 1: for that night. So we were on the phone pretty
Speaker 1: much do your entire drive home. I had even said
Speaker 1: to you, do you want me to call our driver
Speaker 1: to pick you up? You said no, I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to get home. I'll get home faster if I have
Speaker 1: to wait for him. So at this point I'm just
Speaker 1: trying to figure out and decipher how bad things are.
Speaker 1: So you also were extremely quiet. And the reason why
Speaker 1: we're going to have a back and forth in this
Speaker 1: because I want you guys to hear the perspectives but
Speaker 1: also hear what the person was actually going through. So
Speaker 1: we were on the phone together, but Kadeem was quiet,
Speaker 1: she was disappointed. I was driving, trying to focus because,
Speaker 1: like I said in the other story, they had to
Speaker 1: give me some IVS. I mean they had to give
Speaker 1: me a liquid IV I had to take some medication.
Speaker 1: I still had to finish filming and we didn't get
Speaker 1: done till twelve thirty. So on top of being fatigued,
Speaker 1: remember I had lost fifteen pounds from the Monday to
Speaker 1: Friday through dehydration for nobody else's fault but my own,
Speaker 1: because I wasn't taking care of myself. So I was
Speaker 1: really really out of it. And at that moment, all
Speaker 1: I really wanted was my wife to be like, baby,
Speaker 1: are you okay? Baby, are you okay? Talk to me,
Speaker 1: Let's talk this through. Just give me some energy. I
Speaker 1: wanted her to uplift me in that moment on this
Speaker 1: forty five minute drive home. But instead all I got
Speaker 1: was quietness, and when she did say something, it was
Speaker 1: make sure that you call Delta to get your money back.
Speaker 1: So for me, it just felt like, damn, she really
Speaker 1: doesn't care how I feel in this moment. She's just
Speaker 1: more upset that I'm not going to be able to
Speaker 1: be there with her. That's how I felt driving home
Speaker 1: and for forty five minutes. Naturally, I wasn't going to
Speaker 1: be speaking the entire time for forty five minutes, but
Speaker 1: I did ask, do you want me to call the
Speaker 1: nurse because we have a mobile nurse who was come
Speaker 1: to the house and give ivs which I had gotten
Speaker 1: on that Monday before I left for Jamaica, because I
Speaker 1: too felt like, yeah, I got a little tickle in
Speaker 1: my throat. I don't want to be sick in Jamaica.
Speaker 1: So she came to the house and gave me a
Speaker 1: loaded IV So I didn't just ask about the Delta
Speaker 1: flight return. I did say, are you able to drive?
Speaker 1: Are you good? And I know you were saying just
Speaker 1: like I'm just trying to get home. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get home. I said, do you want me to call
Speaker 1: the nurse and see if she can come first thing
Speaker 1: in the morning for you like, I didn't just disregard
Speaker 1: how you felt. Oh no, the nurse thing happened on Saturday,
Speaker 1: because I didn't tell you about my weight until Saturday morning. No,
Speaker 1: it wasn't about the way you would told me that
Speaker 1: night that she felt like you were dehydrated because your
Speaker 1: blood pressure was low. And when I gave my sister
Speaker 1: your blood pressure, she said, oh, yeah, he's probably definitely dehydrated.
Speaker 1: Friday night, it was like one hundred over like seventy
Speaker 1: or something, one hundred over sixty, something like really really low.
Speaker 1: And when I said it to my sister that Friday night,
Speaker 1: she was like, oh, it sounds like he might be dehydrated.
Speaker 1: So that's when I said, I would try to get
Speaker 1: the nurse to you first thing Saturday morning, because I
Speaker 1: know your concern was working. But again, you probably felt
Speaker 1: like I wasn't showing enough and I was, and you
Speaker 1: were very disoriented. Disoriented I was, I was, I was medicated,
Speaker 1: and I was just out of it. I just in
Speaker 1: that moment, like I'm saying, when it's miscommunication, what I
Speaker 1: heard didn't sound like concerned. What I heard sounded like
Speaker 1: frustration that I wasn't going to be in Jamaica, and
Speaker 1: I had tried to do everything to get there, so
Speaker 1: I felt bad, and I was also upset at myself.
Speaker 1: I told Kay I told my parents. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't blame anybody else from my state right now,
Speaker 1: but me, I told you that I told my parents
Speaker 1: that my parents. Aren't you okay? I said, I'm no,
Speaker 1: I'm not okay, And I'm mad at myself because I'm
Speaker 1: always on top of everyone else about their healthy I'm
Speaker 1: always on top of k about getting sleep. I'm always
Speaker 1: on top of k about drinking water and working out,
Speaker 1: and I didn't do that right. I'm on top of
Speaker 1: my father about his health with diabetes. I'm on top
Speaker 1: of my mom with her swollen foot and her blood pressure.
Speaker 1: I'm on top of everybody else. And I was just
Speaker 1: pissed myself. So there was also a lot of self loathing.
Speaker 1: And at the time I didn't know it was burned out,
Speaker 1: so I didn't know what was going on with me
Speaker 1: emotionally right. So I went to sleep that night. I
Speaker 1: was upset at Kadeen, and I was upset at myself
Speaker 1: because I felt like Codein just didn't care. I felt
Speaker 1: like she was only focused on me. Not being there
Speaker 1: for the wedding. So when I woke up in the morning,
Speaker 1: I went to bed. That's not nine at light, it
Speaker 1: was like even. And I called you at six am
Speaker 1: Saturday morning because I was concerned. I barely slept at night.
Speaker 1: I was concerned because I was like, damn, you know,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure he's okay. But I remember
Speaker 1: calling you at six in the morning. I set my alarm,
Speaker 1: called you at six in the morning, and I said, hey,
Speaker 1: I know you're probably still sleep, go back to sleep.
Speaker 1: I just want to see, just hear your voice if
Speaker 1: you were okay. Do you remember that happening. No, I
Speaker 1: remember I called you. Yeah, so six am I called.
Speaker 1: Don't let me start pulling out phone worcords because you
Speaker 1: know I will listen. You could pull out phone workers.
Speaker 1: I'm just throwing a joke because it's really not that
Speaker 1: serious now because we discussed it, I know, but I'm
Speaker 1: just saying my part of the story. Don't get mad.
Speaker 1: I used getting a little viral, little volatility that even
Speaker 1: a word I heard, a little volatility. Just called you
Speaker 1: at six in the morning to check on us. Said,
Speaker 1: I know you're probably still sleep. You need your sleep.
Speaker 1: Go back to sleep. Call me when you just your
Speaker 1: body wakes up. Yeah, right, And you called me around
Speaker 1: ten am. Yes, I woke up facetimes you and around
Speaker 1: ten am, and you were just like, hey, how you feeling.
Speaker 1: I slept so almost twelve hours slept. Point No, it
Speaker 1: wasn't twelve hours because I wasn't home that early. Remember,
Speaker 1: I had to drive home. I had gotten a shower
Speaker 1: where I took some more medication. She was. I remember
Speaker 1: this only because it was such a big argument that
Speaker 1: certain like the details like stick in your head when
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to like prove a point.
Speaker 1: But all I do know is that I did sleep
Speaker 1: a long time, and I don't remember getting a phone
Speaker 1: call because I was I was on night night quill.
Speaker 1: I was dehydrated. I remember saying, you drank like four
Speaker 1: bottles of water and didn't even use your bathroom once.
Speaker 1: That's how I knew I was dehydrated. I drank so
Speaker 1: much water and I didn't have to use your bathroom.
Speaker 1: I woke up. I FaceTime K. We had a conversation.
Speaker 1: I think at that point you were getting here and
Speaker 1: makeup done, or you were doing something not quite yet.
Speaker 1: I FaceTime you that time that morning when you woke up,
Speaker 1: my mom and sister were nearby. I think we had
Speaker 1: just finished having breakfast. We're sitting on the balcony, so
Speaker 1: we were all looking at you, like, how do you
Speaker 1: feel you It looked pretty good, I think we felt
Speaker 1: and I said I felt better. Yeah. Right. So this
Speaker 1: is where another miscommunication came in. I felt better. That
Speaker 1: didn't mean I felt good, and me feeling better meant
Speaker 1: that I felt better than I did yesterday. Yet the
Speaker 1: day before I felt like I was having a stroke.
Speaker 1: I legitimately was like scared to death when he told
Speaker 1: me my blood pressure and I thought I was I
Speaker 1: was like, yo, am I having a stroke? Like? Did
Speaker 1: I overwork myself to the point where my body is
Speaker 1: not functioning? So I was afraid? Yeah, rightfully. So when
Speaker 1: I woke up the next morning and I felt better,
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, I feel I feel better. Started
Speaker 1: going throughout the day because also when he talked about
Speaker 1: the burnout episode, the whole reason why I didn't day
Speaker 1: on campus and I traveled back and forth, it's because
Speaker 1: Jackson and Cairo was like, man, Dad's always gone, So
Speaker 1: I wanted to be present in those moments. Because the
Speaker 1: following week, I had to go back to work again.
Speaker 1: Jackson had practice. Kiro also had football practice, so I
Speaker 1: took Jackson to practice, took Kyro to practice, came back
Speaker 1: until Jackson had a game, went to Jackson's game, came back,
Speaker 1: sat down and watched some football, and I believe you
Speaker 1: spoke to my mom because my mom had said to me, Devout,
Speaker 1: are you really gonna go to the game. And I
Speaker 1: said to my mom, I said, Mom, I'm a dad
Speaker 1: that like their mom is not here. You're here with
Speaker 1: the babies. Jackson can't go to his game by himself,
Speaker 1: like like he just can't. So I took him to
Speaker 1: his game and I was there. I stayed the whole
Speaker 1: time for the game. He played well. Came back home.
Speaker 1: I started to feel back to where I was feeling disoriented,
Speaker 1: because you know how it is when you first wake up,
Speaker 1: you feel good, you hydrated, Then you start moving a lot,
Speaker 1: and then your head starts throbbing and you start to
Speaker 1: feel like oh. So I went back and I fell
Speaker 1: asleep throughout the day, like random times throughout the day,
Speaker 1: I was falling asleep, and before I knew it, it
Speaker 1: was like the evening time. And then my mom was like,
Speaker 1: we need to humidifier. And I think this is where
Speaker 1: things started to ramp up for me as far as
Speaker 1: me getting upset at you, which was I remember calling
Speaker 1: you or texting you and not hearing back directly from you.
Speaker 1: And then I was just like, let me FaceTime her
Speaker 1: to see if she can tell me where the humidifier
Speaker 1: was smelling. The humidifier wasn't working. That was what I
Speaker 1: also didn't know was that there were service issues over there.
Speaker 1: So I'm FaceTime and cadin not getting no answer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I ended up figuring out the humidifier by myself. Finally
Speaker 1: facetimes men. I think it was like eleven thirty. It
Speaker 1: was like nine o'clock that night. She FaceTime and we
Speaker 1: spoke for maybe thirty seconds. You told me where the
Speaker 1: humidifier was. I said, I fixed it. We got off
Speaker 1: the phone. Then I didn't speak to you for the
Speaker 1: rest of the night. That's all about two am. I
Speaker 1: think I facetimed you, and I was sleepy Saturday. All Saturday,
Speaker 1: I was sleep by it. So I was a little
Speaker 1: upset at that point too, because I'm like, Dolo had hurt,
Speaker 1: I wasn't feeling well. He had texted me and called
Speaker 1: me all day. He FaceTime me twice. I was so
Speaker 1: like out of it. I didn't want to speak to anybody.
Speaker 1: Crystal text me, called me like, yeo, I'm just checking
Speaker 1: on Y'll say you didn't look good. And when I
Speaker 1: didn't answer the text of her phone call, she tried
Speaker 1: to FaceTime me. I didn't want to talk to her neither.
Speaker 1: I just wanted my wife, like I didn't want to
Speaker 1: speak to Brian Jordan Jr. All my castmates who saw
Speaker 1: me that day facetimed me that day because they were
Speaker 1: just like, yo, d I've never seen you like this,
Speaker 1: Trinity Cheeto. The only person that didn't FaceTime me to
Speaker 1: see who I was okay was you. And I think
Speaker 1: that was the biggest issue for me, was that all
Speaker 1: of these other people that really don't matter to me
Speaker 1: as much as my wife. And I'm saying that because
Speaker 1: I don't want to say they don't matter, right. Crystal
Speaker 1: is the one who found me sleep and passed out
Speaker 1: and called the medic and took so she definitely matters.
Speaker 1: Brian is like, if y'all know me and Brian on
Speaker 1: Junior's relationship, y'all know that's like my little brother. He
Speaker 1: FaceTime me, was like yo, D like did you can't do?
Speaker 1: You got to do better for yourself, Like I felt
Speaker 1: like Dan. The only person who really didn't FaceTime me
Speaker 1: was my wife. And then on top of that, my
Speaker 1: brother in law is there, my sister in law is there,
Speaker 1: Brendan is there, who's gonna be my brother in law,
Speaker 1: my father in law, my mother's there, and nobody even
Speaker 1: called a FaceTime me to see if I was okay.
Speaker 1: I was hurt, like I was legitimately hurt, and I
Speaker 1: felt like I didn't know what was going on on
Speaker 1: that side, but I felt like you guys were so
Speaker 1: engulfed in your world of Jamaica and enjoying each other's
Speaker 1: company that what was going on with Devout didn't matter.
Speaker 1: So on that Saturday when you FaceTime in the morning
Speaker 1: style backtrack, that was that was account on Saturday, right,
Speaker 1: So Saturday, six am, I remember like getting up. I
Speaker 1: had set an alarm because I wanted to make sure
Speaker 1: I checked on you overnight and I don't know if
Speaker 1: I was going to be sleeping straight through or not,
Speaker 1: but called you six am just said hey, I want
Speaker 1: to hear your voice, make sure that you are right
Speaker 1: go back to sleep. Call me when you get up.
Speaker 1: You face time me. Around ten am, I was on
Speaker 1: the balcony. It's an inside joke on well not really.
Speaker 1: If y'all seeing the meme with the Jamaican guy on
Speaker 1: the balcony by the balcony, nobody didn't know how to
Speaker 1: pronounce balcony. He was. Bobby told me, I've listed tongue.
Speaker 1: I love that one. That's one of my all time
Speaker 1: favorite videos. Anyway, I was on the balcony with my
Speaker 1: sister and my mom and we FaceTime to you, and
Speaker 1: that's when you had told my sister your blood pressure again,
Speaker 1: and she was just like the valu, you got to
Speaker 1: do better. You're definitely dehydrated. So mom was just like,
Speaker 1: you know, make sure you're taking your fluids and whatnot.
Speaker 1: You definitely looked better, and I'm like, okay, maybe he
Speaker 1: just needed some rest. So this is the day of
Speaker 1: the wedding now, so I, as matron of honor, was
Speaker 1: trying to do, you know, my matron of honorly duties.
Speaker 1: So I'm moving around throughout the day because the I
Speaker 1: wasn't there, and I knew he probably was having a
Speaker 1: little bit of fomo, probably because he just wasn't there,
Speaker 1: and aside from not feeling well, I was trying to
Speaker 1: kind of keep him abreast of what was happening, so
Speaker 1: he kind of felt like he was in the loop. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I sent him a video of Tiffany when
Speaker 1: she got her hair and makeup done. I was texting
Speaker 1: him throughout, sending him pictures of myself, like just little
Speaker 1: things like that so he can kind of feel like
Speaker 1: he was included. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because
Speaker 1: that might have been adding insult to injury where you
Speaker 1: probably felt like, damn, I'm getting like kind of salt
Speaker 1: rubbed in the wound because I'm not there and y'all
Speaker 1: are over here having a good time. Meanwhile I'm over
Speaker 1: here struggling with the house full of sick people and
Speaker 1: I don't feel well myself. Can I tell you how
Speaker 1: it felt or you want to just continue let me
Speaker 1: continue with then. Yeah, So I was trying to like
Speaker 1: just you know, send him little videos and stuff like that. Here.
Speaker 1: Once about two o'clock hit, then I was really in
Speaker 1: like trying to get dress mode taking pictures, so I
Speaker 1: didn't always have my phone with me either. And then
Speaker 1: also to the wedding was outdoors, were on the cliff
Speaker 1: on the edge, and you know the grill in Jamaica,
Speaker 1: So there were service issues sometimes too. But I had
Speaker 1: my close by, my hair stylish Channelle was there. She
Speaker 1: had my phone where I can just you know, intermittently
Speaker 1: take a check and stuff. So once the wedding started
Speaker 1: at four pm, which was the start time, it was
Speaker 1: literally like ceremony, then we're taking pictures, and then after
Speaker 1: pictures you get whisked the way to sit for like
Speaker 1: two seconds, and then you're walking into the reception. So
Speaker 1: it was literally back to back events. So if I
Speaker 1: was on a hiatus in de VAL's mind between the
Speaker 1: hours of like two pm and at least seven thirty
Speaker 1: eight o'clock, it's because there were so many things going
Speaker 1: on back to back for the wedding. Still, I tried
Speaker 1: to give little touch bases here and there. I had
Speaker 1: even contacted your dad because I said, I know how
Speaker 1: de Val is. Deval is the kind of person that
Speaker 1: will say he's all right, I'm all right, I'm good,
Speaker 1: and I'm always used to him being okay. So I said,
Speaker 1: let me hit his dad up. So I called his
Speaker 1: dad and I say, hey, how was everything over there,
Speaker 1: Because the Val had also mentioned that a few of
Speaker 1: the family members weren't feeling okay. His dad was like, oh,
Speaker 1: do we're about a poople. We got it under control.
Speaker 1: Everything's fine, Everything's all right, you know, you know, we
Speaker 1: can handle it. I too, also didn't want to keep
Speaker 1: calling his mom and dad, so they fell like I
Speaker 1: didn't believe that they can take care of some sick children,
Speaker 1: you know. But also too, I wasn't trying to be
Speaker 1: insensitive to the fact that I wasn't there, and then
Speaker 1: now they're dealing with my four children, two of whom
Speaker 1: were sick at the time, and then they were also
Speaker 1: getting sick, plus the Val also being sick. So when
Speaker 1: I didn't contact the Val after that, well, nine o'clock
Speaker 1: you do FaceTime you about the humidifire, Yeah, And then
Speaker 1: I went back. It was the rest of the reception happening,
Speaker 1: and then I didn't face time you again. I think
Speaker 1: it was until about two am. I was sleep when yeah.
Speaker 1: So then because they had like an after party, it
Speaker 1: was literally like a succession of events and then you
Speaker 1: were asleep at that time. I was knocked out. So
Speaker 1: we didn't speak until the next day. Yeah, So what
Speaker 1: bothered me during that day was you didn't call or
Speaker 1: you didn't face time. Me thought the day, see how
Speaker 1: I'm feeling nothing. You just kept sending me pitches about
Speaker 1: the wedding, So to me, it just seemed like the
Speaker 1: wedding was more important than anything that was going on
Speaker 1: over here, which I didn't think because your replies to
Speaker 1: everything I sent was like you were engaged in what
Speaker 1: was happening, so I didn't even think that. That's why
Speaker 1: I kept sending more. Now, I just want to point
Speaker 1: out that when I was telling me, when you were
Speaker 1: telling your story, I asked you if you wanted me
Speaker 1: to give my account in between, and you said you
Speaker 1: wanted me to let you finish I'm talking. And then
Speaker 1: while I'm talking, You're gonna respond to everything I'm saying.
Speaker 1: This is just an example of how arguments be happening
Speaker 1: in this house, because I'll say to Cadem, I'll let
Speaker 1: you talk. Let me know when you want me to intervene.
Speaker 1: She'll say, let me get my thought out. I'll let
Speaker 1: her get a thought out. The minute I start talking,
Speaker 1: she wants to rebute everything I say without letting me
Speaker 1: finish my thought. Okay, this is just an example so
Speaker 1: that you can see you why sometimes you don't even
Speaker 1: see how I truly feel about things because before I
Speaker 1: can finish my thought, you want to defend your stance,
Speaker 1: and that's that's part of where the miscommunication comes from.
Speaker 1: If I can't finish my thought in totality, you're defending
Speaker 1: something that hasn't even been presented to you yet. So
Speaker 1: at this point it's like you're defending something that I
Speaker 1: don't even finish telling you what would happen? Okay, go
Speaker 1: for it, you know what? And I also too. I
Speaker 1: know we've had this conversation several times, so seen as
Speaker 1: though we're telling people this for the first time. That's
Speaker 1: my bad. I should let you give your thought in totality,
Speaker 1: So I appreciate that. So over here, my dad is
Speaker 1: just like me. My dad could be in a house
Speaker 1: fire and you say, Scoop, how's everything going. It's cool, bro,
Speaker 1: it's cool. You know what I'm saying, Like he's always
Speaker 1: And he said to me that he was going to
Speaker 1: say to you. Kay's in Jamaica. She can't help us.
Speaker 1: Me telling her what's going on over here, how bad
Speaker 1: is over here is not going to help her. At all.
Speaker 1: She can't help us. Let her just enjoy her time,
Speaker 1: and then when she gets back she can help when
Speaker 1: she gets back. During this whole time, I'm also concerned
Speaker 1: about the fact that my grandparents drove in from Virginia.
Speaker 1: My grandfather is seventy five this year. My grandmother is
Speaker 1: I believe seventy, and they were getting sick. So my
Speaker 1: concerns here were like, I don't want my grandparents to
Speaker 1: get sick. You know, what if it is COVID, what
Speaker 1: if it is the flu. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I'm stressed out. My parents are both sick, the kids
Speaker 1: got to go back to school on Monday, and on
Speaker 1: top of that, I have to go back to film
Speaker 1: on Monday. And while this is happening, I'm not getting
Speaker 1: any calls of concern from you. I'm just getting pictures
Speaker 1: of the wedding, you know what I'm saying. So to me,
Speaker 1: it just kind of seemed insensitive that It's like, man,
Speaker 1: I'm going through a lot over here. I told you
Speaker 1: everything I went through last night. It seemed as if
Speaker 1: you weren't concerned. I have to be accountable because I
Speaker 1: always tell you I'm okay, even when I'm not so
Speaker 1: you you feeling like I'm okay and I'm going to
Speaker 1: handle it. It's not really your fault because I always
Speaker 1: tell you that. I did also feel like the times
Speaker 1: you called my dad, you could have called me. Now
Speaker 1: you just explained why you called my father. So I
Speaker 1: understand that, but think about it in real time. My
Speaker 1: father's not even saying to me. I spoke to Kay.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, so and so in this
Speaker 1: in real time, I'm not hearing that anybody heard from
Speaker 1: k Just Kase sends me pictures. When I try to
Speaker 1: call a text, I don't get no response. And now
Speaker 1: it's eleven thirty, twelve o'clock at night. I haven't heard
Speaker 1: from my wife all day, and I'm exhausted, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go to sleep, and I hadn't heard from you, So
Speaker 1: I was upset. So, if I'm being one hundred percent honest,
Speaker 1: in that moment on Saturday, I felt like if the
Speaker 1: tables were turned, I would have got on a flight
Speaker 1: first thing Saturday night, as soon as the reception was over,
Speaker 1: and I would have been home Sunday morning. That's what
Speaker 1: I was thinking, like, if I knew that my wife
Speaker 1: was going through all of this at home and everybody
Speaker 1: was sick and all this stuff was happening, and then
Speaker 1: my wife has to go back to work on Monday.
Speaker 1: I'm going to get home as best I can because
Speaker 1: I want to be able to be of support to
Speaker 1: my wife. And when I didn't even get anything from
Speaker 1: you all day Saturday, it was just like, she really
Speaker 1: doesn't care. And then Sunday morning happens, and you called
Speaker 1: me Sunday morning, and I was in a bad, bad mood,
Speaker 1: and then we had another conversation Sunday morning. So on Saturday,
Speaker 1: it wasn't that I wasn't in touch with you. You
Speaker 1: didn't want me to be. You wanted me to be
Speaker 1: in touch with you a certain kind of way. And
Speaker 1: I mistook that on my end as just like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: de Val can't be here. You know, things don't seem
Speaker 1: that bad at home, because when I spoke to your mom,
Speaker 1: your mom said to me Verbatim, Kay, Deval's a grown man,
Speaker 1: and he's going to do what he wants to do.
Speaker 1: And we've made provisions for him to take a nap
Speaker 1: here and there, and he won't. He wanted to go
Speaker 1: to the game. He went to the game. So she's
Speaker 1: so in hearing that, I'm like, okay, So hearing that
Speaker 1: fits from her, hearing that from your dad, and then
Speaker 1: seeing you on Saturday morning, seeing that you looked better,
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, he probably just really needed some
Speaker 1: hydration and some sleep, and he was able to get
Speaker 1: up and keep it moving. Also, too, I had reached
Speaker 1: out to the nurse about coming to give an IV
Speaker 1: to you on that Saturday. She said she couldn't make
Speaker 1: it Saturday morning, but she was going to come to
Speaker 1: you in the evening. So I was arranging all that
Speaker 1: from Jamaica to make sure that you would at least
Speaker 1: get someone seen, because I know you didn't want to
Speaker 1: go to a hospital or anything. You were just trying
Speaker 1: to get better for Monday. Speaking to your mouth, speaking
Speaker 1: to your dad and all that. It's a Sunday morning now,
Speaker 1: like there would have been no way for me to
Speaker 1: get out with the wedding being Saturday night, there would
Speaker 1: have been no way for me to get out of
Speaker 1: Jamaica Saturday night. Right, The earliest I probably could have
Speaker 1: left would have been on Sunday. So when we spoke
Speaker 1: early Sunday morning, I think it was around maybe eight am.
Speaker 1: That's when you blew up on me on the phone,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, yo, I can leave now.
Speaker 1: I can catch the first flight out that's available. It's
Speaker 1: a two hour drive from the girl to the airport,
Speaker 1: and I'll just jump on. I think there was like
Speaker 1: a six o'clock flight that was like the earliest flight
Speaker 1: I could have taken out. And you were pretty much
Speaker 1: just like, I don't want you to take that two
Speaker 1: hour drive alone to the airport and then travel by yourself,
Speaker 1: so don't even worry about it because you can't do
Speaker 1: anything by the time you get here. So I said,
Speaker 1: are you sure, because I can leave at this point.
Speaker 1: At this point, they were just doing like a boat
Speaker 1: ride that day or something, and I was planning to
Speaker 1: come home on Monday anyway, and you were just like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want you traveling alone. So I probably should
Speaker 1: have followed my mind in that moment and still came home,
Speaker 1: because again this was another version of devout saying go ahead,
Speaker 1: do that everything's okay when everything is not okay, and
Speaker 1: you can tell everybody. Your reply to me on Sunday, well, no, Well, well,
Speaker 1: initially what I thought was, first of all, I didn't
Speaker 1: know what the flights was I didn't look at the flights.
Speaker 1: I felt like you should have came home on Saturday,
Speaker 1: right after the night of the wedding. I felt like
Speaker 1: you could have caught a late flight home. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the flights, yeah, right, So I felt like
Speaker 1: you either could have came home Saturday night or early
Speaker 1: Sunday morning. The reason why I told you not to
Speaker 1: do all of that once you said it is because
Speaker 1: you didn't even say to me, babe, do you think
Speaker 1: I should come home. I had said to you, I
Speaker 1: wish you were here. I said if it were me,
Speaker 1: I would have came home. And then you reluctantly said, fine,
Speaker 1: I'll come home. You didn't say, hey, babe, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: come home. I said to you, I said, you know,
Speaker 1: it's funny that and this and this is really what
Speaker 1: pissed me off when you were going through everything with
Speaker 1: your postpart preclampsure. I was supposed to go to Soul
Speaker 1: Train to pump this is my first time presenting at
Speaker 1: an award show, and Kadein had got sick the two
Speaker 1: days prior, and that whole time when Kadeen was sick,
Speaker 1: I didn't sleep at all. I drove there. I drove
Speaker 1: her there at night, I came back, dropped the kids
Speaker 1: to school, dropped the kids to practice, went back to
Speaker 1: the hospital. Every night I did. I own said. About
Speaker 1: two or three hours when it was time for me
Speaker 1: to leave, I said, Babe, I'm not going to Soul Train.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stay here. You then said to me, no,
Speaker 1: you have to go. This is a great opportunity. I
Speaker 1: went to Soul Train. When I got to New York,
Speaker 1: you immediately got upset at me and said that you
Speaker 1: were upset because you really didn't want me to go,
Speaker 1: but you felt like I should have stayed. So my
Speaker 1: thing was is, when the tables were turned, you felt
Speaker 1: like I should have stayed, even though you told me
Speaker 1: to go. But then when you had an opportunity to
Speaker 1: do the same thing, you chose to stay there instead
Speaker 1: of come home. And I felt like that was kind
Speaker 1: of opportunistic that when the tables were turned, you knew
Speaker 1: what I should have did, even though you told me
Speaker 1: not to. But then when you had a chance to
Speaker 1: do the same thing, you didn't choose the same thing.
Speaker 1: You chose to stay there in Jamaica. And the reason
Speaker 1: why I told you not to come at that Sunday's
Speaker 1: because we had spoke at that point it was Sunday
Speaker 1: like eleven twelve o'clock. Well, if it was eight am,
Speaker 1: it's a two hour ride. You said you weren't going
Speaker 1: to be able to get to Jamaica get on until
Speaker 1: a six o'clock flight. How long is the flight like
Speaker 1: maybe three hours? Something? Three hours? So you get home
Speaker 1: at nine. After you get home at nine, Black would
Speaker 1: drop you back here. You would get home at ten o'clock.
Speaker 1: That's the whole day for you to travel by yourself,
Speaker 1: that whole time, to not even get here in time
Speaker 1: to help with anything because at that point the kids
Speaker 1: would be in bed. It seemed like a risk. I
Speaker 1: didn't want you to take traveling by yourself to be here,
Speaker 1: not to be able to help. So I felt like,
Speaker 1: once again, I'm considering your safety and your health and
Speaker 1: everything for you, but no one is ever considering me.
Speaker 1: On top of that, I did feel like when your
Speaker 1: mom needs me, your dad, your brother or your sister
Speaker 1: or Brendan, they call me, they FaceTime me, Hey, bro,
Speaker 1: this is what I need. I'm there. When I needed someone,
Speaker 1: no one reached out to me. So it wasn't just you.
Speaker 1: I felt like your whole family was there in Jamaica
Speaker 1: enjoying themselves. The only person that sent me a text
Speaker 1: twice was mom. Mimi sent me to texts, but other
Speaker 1: than that, no one reached out to see if the
Speaker 1: Val was okay. I'm not in attendance. Something must be
Speaker 1: wrong with de Val, but no one reaches out to
Speaker 1: de Val. But the minute someone needs something, let me
Speaker 1: call de Val. I just felt like that was fucked up.
Speaker 1: So when Sunday came and then you had said to me,
Speaker 1: I was explained to you how everything was going on
Speaker 1: the weekend, we were upset and that I said, my
Speaker 1: biggest concern, Kay, is that I go back to work
Speaker 1: on Monday and I'm not well enough to work and
Speaker 1: I get sent home and the production stops. And you
Speaker 1: said to me, well, then maybe you shouldn't go into
Speaker 1: work if you're still sick. And I just felt like
Speaker 1: in that moment that that was selfish that you would
Speaker 1: tell me maybe it'd be best for me to stay home,
Speaker 1: And I was just like, well, when are you going
Speaker 1: to tell yourself it was best for you to come home.
Speaker 1: It just seems like everything was always on me to
Speaker 1: stop what I'm doing when I'm trying to take care
Speaker 1: of everybody else, when all you wanted to do is
Speaker 1: have a good time in Jamaica. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's how I felt in the moment. Was that your intentions, No,
Speaker 1: but that's how I felt. I just felt like I'm
Speaker 1: here handling everything as always, and you go out to
Speaker 1: have a good time and then you tell me maybe
Speaker 1: I shouldn't go into work. I was thinking, I can't
Speaker 1: not go into work. It's a week before Thanksgiving. If
Speaker 1: I don't go into work, the production can't go on.
Speaker 1: There's three hundred staff members who are probably looking for
Speaker 1: these checks to pay for bills through the holidays. I
Speaker 1: can't just not show up. So I'm trying to do
Speaker 1: everything to be able to be there for myself, for
Speaker 1: my family, and for everyone else. And I felt like
Speaker 1: you and that moment were only thinking about being in
Speaker 1: Jamaica for the wedding. So that's what hurt my feelings.
Speaker 1: On top of the fact that I still was just
Speaker 1: burnt out, like the whole year had me burnt out,
Speaker 1: and I hadn't heard from your family either. You know,
Speaker 1: it just felt like I'm handling everything and you and
Speaker 1: your family get a chance to enjoy Jamaica, and that
Speaker 1: you were sending me pictures or videos of everyone enjoying themselves,
Speaker 1: and I was not enjoying myself here. I was struggling,
Speaker 1: and I was stressed, and I was worried. So Sunday
Speaker 1: that's when I blacked out, and we would argue with
Speaker 1: each other and screaming and cursing at each other and
Speaker 1: mad at each other and hanging up the phone because
Speaker 1: at that point I felt like I couldn't even express
Speaker 1: how I felt without you trying to defend your reason
Speaker 1: for staying. And at that moment, I didn't want to
Speaker 1: hear any defense or any justifications. I did want my
Speaker 1: feelings validated, and in our relationships and most relationships. I
Speaker 1: even saw a meme on social media, a woman posting
Speaker 1: a meme that said, there's a lot of men losing
Speaker 1: good women because they'd rather justify their actions than validate
Speaker 1: hurt feelings. And I feel like, when the tables are
Speaker 1: turned and a man's feelings are hurt, there's no validating
Speaker 1: his feelings. It's always well, I did this because of
Speaker 1: these reasons, And it's like, I'm not saying that your
Speaker 1: reasons aren't valid, but you can't tell me that your
Speaker 1: reasons didn't hurt my feelings. And I felt like in
Speaker 1: those moments, you were telling me my feelings shouldn't be
Speaker 1: hurt because you had every right to do things the
Speaker 1: way you did. That's why I got sort of set
Speaker 1: on Sunday. On top of that, I wasn't trying to
Speaker 1: be a burden, so I was trying my hardest to
Speaker 1: be in good spirits and I couldn't shake it. I
Speaker 1: just was not in good spirits that whole weekend. May
Speaker 1: I interject or may I speak? Now? Yes, that was
Speaker 1: a mouthful, so I can't even remember everything you said
Speaker 1: because I had a lot of points that came and went,
Speaker 1: and I realized in just listening to you, now, this
Speaker 1: is something that I learned about when we have our debates.
Speaker 1: I need to take notes because I feel like I
Speaker 1: need to interject sometimes on a moment, not to defend myself,
Speaker 1: but to just give you clarity about something you say.
Speaker 1: So I don't forget because now I'm like thinking, I'm
Speaker 1: going to forget everything I wanted to say while you
Speaker 1: were saying it. I'll start with first off, do you
Speaker 1: understand the oxymoron and you saying what you just said.
Speaker 1: I was trying to make sure that everybody was okay,
Speaker 1: so I wasn't really saying how I felt. But then
Speaker 1: you also was saying I was trying to say how
Speaker 1: I felt, and I was telling everybody that I didn't
Speaker 1: feel good, but I did feel okay enough to go
Speaker 1: back to work. So in that I feel like there
Speaker 1: was just like this duality of you saying like, I'm okay,
Speaker 1: but I'm not okay, and I really didn't know which
Speaker 1: one it was. And I'm always accustomed to and I'm
Speaker 1: always accustomed to you being okay. So what where I
Speaker 1: went wrong in that moment is that I just aired
Speaker 1: on the side of devots typically always okay or devot
Speaker 1: will figure it out, because you always do. And I
Speaker 1: had never seen you in that moment where you were
Speaker 1: literally literally on the brink of not just a physical snap,
Speaker 1: but like a mental snap, and I didn't know that's
Speaker 1: where you were with it, you know, because of course
Speaker 1: I'm not in the same space as you. So that's
Speaker 1: where confusion comes. When it comes to my family. You said,
Speaker 1: Mom texts you twice, my dad Sakari Tristan Brandon Christine.
Speaker 1: Everyone literally I would say, literally like every hour two
Speaker 1: hours was just like, damn, I wish the vow was here. Damn.
Speaker 1: I like, we literally thought about you the entire time,
Speaker 1: and they would ask me, how's the val doing? Did
Speaker 1: you speak to the value? Is he cool? How's everything?
Speaker 1: Are the kids still sick? They were asking me those questions,
Speaker 1: and they didn't hit you directly, which is what you
Speaker 1: preferred and you wanted. How was I supposed to know?
Speaker 1: Right right? You weren't supposed to know that because I
Speaker 1: wasn't going to say, hey, everyone's asking for you all
Speaker 1: the time either, because I felt like that would be
Speaker 1: also adding insult to injury that you're not there and
Speaker 1: you wanted to be there so badly. So it's like
Speaker 1: I was trying to tow the line between having you
Speaker 1: feel included like you were there, but then also being
Speaker 1: sensitive to the fact that you might have been having
Speaker 1: a little bit of phonemer that you weren't there. So
Speaker 1: I didn't want to tell you every two point five
Speaker 1: seconds that everybody kept asking for you, and everybody would say,
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you that Tiffany cried the
Speaker 1: morning of her wedding because you couldn't be there. She
Speaker 1: was like, I literally felt like my brother, like my
Speaker 1: only but she's an only child. She's like, I feel
Speaker 1: like my brother is not here for my wedding day,
Speaker 1: for the happiest day of my life. I don't want
Speaker 1: to rub that in your face. Hey, you're not feeling
Speaker 1: well and be you can't be there. So I was
Speaker 1: just like, damn, I'm not going to keep telling you
Speaker 1: every single time somebody's asking for your every time somebody's
Speaker 1: just like, damn, I wish de Vo was here. But
Speaker 1: to your point, they're adults. They could have taken the
Speaker 1: initiative to text you directly if that's what they probably
Speaker 1: knew you needed. But them touching base with you, I
Speaker 1: guess through me, they were just like, Okay, at least
Speaker 1: we're checking on the vow to make sure he's okay.
Speaker 1: Because I'm your wife, I'm naturally going to be in
Speaker 1: touch with you. So that gripe that you've had with
Speaker 1: my family not checking in with you, that's something that
Speaker 1: you've spoken to them directly about. And you had a
Speaker 1: whole conversation with my family after that, which I appreciate
Speaker 1: because a lot of times family stuff confess her you know,
Speaker 1: you and I have an argument, it spills over onto
Speaker 1: family and then it can cause animosity and linger. But
Speaker 1: Devo spoke to my sister, my brother Brandon about how
Speaker 1: he felt and everything was at least clarified, right, So
Speaker 1: that was another thing. You making the correlation between me
Speaker 1: having the postpartum episode that I had with Coda and
Speaker 1: having to be hospitalized and this, I think we both
Speaker 1: are guilty of knowing that we may not be okay
Speaker 1: in that moment, but wanting something so bad for the
Speaker 1: other that we say go ahead and do it right.
Speaker 1: So it's not that I was thinking back to that
Speaker 1: moment of when I had the postpartum preclamsure while I
Speaker 1: was in Jamaican and thinking, oh, well, I told the
Speaker 1: vow to go to Soul Train, but I really wanted
Speaker 1: him to be here. I didn't think about that in
Speaker 1: that moment to make the correlation. But since you've made
Speaker 1: the correlation after the fact, it wasn't for lack of
Speaker 1: me trying to be selfish in the moment and saying, damn,
Speaker 1: devoalt don't go to Soul Train and miss out on this.
Speaker 1: You know, new big first time opportunity. Your mom was
Speaker 1: going to be presented or you know, be your date
Speaker 1: that night, so if you didn't go, it would disappoint her.
Speaker 1: You know, she was looking forward to that. I had
Speaker 1: made plans for her here, her makeup or dress, so
Speaker 1: I had done all this to help your mom get
Speaker 1: ready for a soul train. You didn't know that this
Speaker 1: was going to happen, And in that moment, I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'll be okay. I'm in the hospital,
Speaker 1: so I have I'm under the care of somebody who
Speaker 1: worst case scenarios, something goes wrong. Once I get home,
Speaker 1: I have my parents here, I'll be okay. The same
Speaker 1: way I thought, okay, well, if the vows at home
Speaker 1: and he has his parents there who were fully functioning
Speaker 1: adults that are I trust with him and my children,
Speaker 1: his grandparents are there, his sisters there, I felt like, okay,
Speaker 1: he would be okay because he has the help. When ultimately,
Speaker 1: in both situations, we both just wanted each other, yeah,
Speaker 1: and that was where the conflict roles. But everything else
Speaker 1: could be happening around it, and we can get upset
Speaker 1: about everything else that transpired, but ultimately boiled down to
Speaker 1: when you're in a moment where you feel like you
Speaker 1: are at your lowest. You don't feel well, you're physically off,
Speaker 1: emotionally off, mentally off. You just want your person, yes,
Speaker 1: and at least we can agree on that. But in
Speaker 1: the moment I didn't see it as such because I'm
Speaker 1: always so used to Devol being okay. And that's why
Speaker 1: now and after this whole argument, moving forward, I try
Speaker 1: to be very very deliberate about saying, Devo, are you okay?
Speaker 1: Do you need anything for me? How is your mental space?
Speaker 1: How do you feel mentally? I'm always asking now because
Speaker 1: after that whole break, now I know that you can't
Speaker 1: always have everything. You superman in my eyes. You're superman
Speaker 1: to our children, you're superman to a lot of people,
Speaker 1: but you're also a human being, and I need to
Speaker 1: be more mindful of really investigating that and knowing when
Speaker 1: I need to ask those questions to you, and not
Speaker 1: just assume that because for the past twenty years Devout
Speaker 1: always had it in hard times or not, that you're
Speaker 1: always going to have it okay. Well, my issue with
Speaker 1: your family is that they don't reach out to you
Speaker 1: as a screener. When they need something, they call me directly.
Speaker 1: So when I'm not doing well. I don't need them
Speaker 1: to look to you as a screener before contacting me.
Speaker 1: To me, that's just not that. That to me seems
Speaker 1: very opportunistic. When you need something from the value, you
Speaker 1: can call the vout directly. But if the vale is
Speaker 1: hurting or Devout need something, let me ask Kane. If
Speaker 1: k say he's fine, and I don't have to call,
Speaker 1: that seems like a cop out. That's what I explained
Speaker 1: to your sister. That's what I explained to Tristan and Brendan,
Speaker 1: and they agreed. Brendan was like, YO, like, nah, we
Speaker 1: should have reached out to you, and Cicari said, yeah,
Speaker 1: we should have reached out to you. So my feelings
Speaker 1: were hurt on top of the fact that I wasn't
Speaker 1: feeling well and I was not in a good mental space.
Speaker 1: A lot of this stuff was an extra sensitive version
Speaker 1: of devout, and I can admit that because I was
Speaker 1: going through something like I was going through something. Even
Speaker 1: prior to me getting my feelings hurt, I was already
Speaker 1: on the edge because of the burnout from the entire year.
Speaker 1: So I can honestly say if it was a normal
Speaker 1: day and nobody reached out to me, I probably wouldn't
Speaker 1: have cared. You understand what I'm saying. So it was
Speaker 1: like the perfect storm of events that put me in
Speaker 1: this situation where I wasn't acting as myself and that's
Speaker 1: why I called. And this is important anecdote to the story.
Speaker 1: After I did it, upset and we got into our
Speaker 1: cursy match, and your sister heard me explain how I
Speaker 1: felt about everybody. This was on the Monday, because and
Speaker 1: this is what I explained. On the Monday, I was
Speaker 1: now back at work and I was trying to get
Speaker 1: through the day, trying to get through the day, and
Speaker 1: it was lunchtime, and once again I had facetimes. You
Speaker 1: want lunchtime, and you were out on the beach in
Speaker 1: a bikini, and then you started talking to me about
Speaker 1: something that happened during the weekend, and I had to
Speaker 1: just be honest with you and be like, hey, I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear about anything that's happening that happened
Speaker 1: on the weekend. That was not a good time for me.
Speaker 1: So you telling me about the fun moments kind of
Speaker 1: triggered me, and I snapped again because I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it. And then I explained
Speaker 1: to you why I didn't want to hear it. And
Speaker 1: while I was explaining it to Cary overheard me explaining it,
Speaker 1: and she got her feelings hurt because she heard me
Speaker 1: say that everybody can call me when they need something,
Speaker 1: but when I needed everybody, no one was there for me.
Speaker 1: And she felt like she didn't want to ever be
Speaker 1: a burden. And I was like, I was not saying
Speaker 1: that she was a burden. What I was saying was
Speaker 1: when I needed the people who I'm always there for,
Speaker 1: nobody was there for me. I wasn't calling anybody a burden,
Speaker 1: but she received it that way. Oh No, What what
Speaker 1: you said that made her feel away was that you
Speaker 1: said everybody's in Jamaica having a good time when you
Speaker 1: afforded them the opportunity to go, and you weren't there,
Speaker 1: So she felt like she was being some sort of
Speaker 1: financial burden because you paid for the trip, which in
Speaker 1: turn wasn't necessarily true, but I think that's how she
Speaker 1: took it. She felt like she was being maybe some
Speaker 1: sort of financial burden because you afforded her the opportunity
Speaker 1: to go, and that's when she kind of felt bad.
Speaker 1: I didn't say anything about affording body of the trip,
Speaker 1: I said, I afforded everybody the opportunity to live their
Speaker 1: life that they did because your parents are your parents.
Speaker 1: Your mom is retired and gets to live with us,
Speaker 1: your dad now lives with us. I do a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff financially for your whole family. No. Absolutely, people
Speaker 1: have the freedom to move about. I get it. But
Speaker 1: people have the freedom to move and go on places
Speaker 1: on Jamaica because of the work that I put in
Speaker 1: to allow them to move freely. Yeah, so I did
Speaker 1: say that, but I was speaking to you, But I
Speaker 1: never said that I didn't want to do that. None
Speaker 1: was that. I enjoy being able to be that for people,
Speaker 1: but then when I needed someone, no one was there
Speaker 1: for me. But I also did apologize to Sakari because
Speaker 1: of what my words, how my words made her feel.
Speaker 1: And my biggest issue was that I can be big
Speaker 1: enough even when I'm in my worst moment to call
Speaker 1: people and say, you know what, I should have never
Speaker 1: said that that way, and I should have. You shouldn't
Speaker 1: never even heard that conversation. You never expressed to me
Speaker 1: that Zakari was there listening. Right. You interject a lot
Speaker 1: when I'm talking, but at no point did you say Devout,
Speaker 1: slow down. Zakari was there, So to me, I kind
Speaker 1: of felt like, why did you not even at least
Speaker 1: let me know that? But but I was like, fine,
Speaker 1: I have to own the fact that I said something
Speaker 1: that hurts someone's feelings. The thing that bothered me the
Speaker 1: most about that whole weekend is that at no point
Speaker 1: did anyone acknowledge that my feelings were hurt. All I
Speaker 1: kept hearing was justifications about why you did what you
Speaker 1: did and why you didn't call and why there was
Speaker 1: no calls and you called my dad and you called
Speaker 1: my mom, and I'm like, here once again, it's now Monday,
Speaker 1: I'm calling. I have to apologize or I have to
Speaker 1: make sure everyone else is okay, and still the vows
Speaker 1: feelings aren't even being acknowledged. And to me, I just
Speaker 1: felt like, throughout the whole course of that weekend, it
Speaker 1: was event after event after event of Devout trying to
Speaker 1: make sure everyone else is okay, and everyone else just
Speaker 1: saying de vo is fine, so we don't have to
Speaker 1: worry about it. And I can't blame anybody else but myself,
Speaker 1: And this is the truth. I don't need it now,
Speaker 1: thinking back, on it. And this is why I've been
Speaker 1: able to move forward and not be upset at you
Speaker 1: or be upset at anybody else, is because I am
Speaker 1: to blame for that. I never, at any point said,
Speaker 1: and this was part of what you said in the
Speaker 1: very beginning, your partner is not a mind reader. If
Speaker 1: you don't when you say you're okay, don't expect your
Speaker 1: partner to what know that you're not okay? Right right
Speaker 1: when you did that to me and soul trained and
Speaker 1: told me that I can go, even though I waited
Speaker 1: to the last minute to leave, and I drove you
Speaker 1: from the hospital back home and made everything show was good.
Speaker 1: And then I got there and you were upset at me,
Speaker 1: and you are upset that I was going, and everything
Speaker 1: I felt the same way. I felt like I'm not
Speaker 1: a mind reader, kay, Remember I said that. But then
Speaker 1: this opportunity came and I expected you to be a
Speaker 1: mind reader, and I realized that I can't do that.
Speaker 1: So that's how I've been able to move forward. Isn't
Speaker 1: saying that I expected you to be a mind reader
Speaker 1: based on the fact that when the tables were turned
Speaker 1: and you felt the way, you knew what it felt
Speaker 1: like so I felt like that she knows what it
Speaker 1: felt it feels like to be on this end of it.
Speaker 1: Why was she not then based on how she felt, say,
Speaker 1: you know what, when that was the other way around.
Speaker 1: I was upset and I did tell the vout to
Speaker 1: go let me just take my ass home. And I
Speaker 1: felt like you chose to do what was convenient for
Speaker 1: you at the time, which was going to Jamaica. And
Speaker 1: that's what continue to hurt me, you know what I'm saying, Hey,
Speaker 1: I completely get it. We've rehashed this time and time again,
Speaker 1: and I think I can ultimately chock it up to
Speaker 1: me just not really investigating how you felt and maybe
Speaker 1: knowing you enough to know that you probably were going
Speaker 1: to say the cheer okay when you're not. When we
Speaker 1: had the conversation on the phone on Monday. Now, because
Speaker 1: the day I'm traveling back, you asked me for photos
Speaker 1: of myself that morning because I was. I told you
Speaker 1: I was putting on my swim suit, going to buy
Speaker 1: the pool, just to kill some time before we were
Speaker 1: getting picked up for the airport. Sent you photos. You
Speaker 1: sent back all the hard eyes and emojis and all
Speaker 1: that good stuff to them. You can wait till I
Speaker 1: got home. So when I sat down on the pool
Speaker 1: chair close to my sister and we were facetiming, we
Speaker 1: were just talking about a bunch of random things. I
Speaker 1: think it was just kind of like a touch base.
Speaker 1: You sounded okay, you were back to work, and then
Speaker 1: I started to mention something about a story that happened,
Speaker 1: and that's when you snapped. And to be honest, the
Speaker 1: reason why I didn't just stop you in that moment
Speaker 1: was because A I was kind of shocked at like
Speaker 1: where it went, because I felt like I was getting
Speaker 1: two different versions of you the entire weekend. I was
Speaker 1: getting you were either super upset or you were fine,
Speaker 1: and you were yourself, And I was confused because I
Speaker 1: was just like, what the fuck is going on? Like
Speaker 1: one minute you seem like you're okay, the next minute
Speaker 1: you're flying off the handle. And I didn't know what
Speaker 1: was going on. So when my sister overheard what you said,
Speaker 1: she was just like WHOA, Like, okay, I never want
Speaker 1: to be like seeing as somebody who's just like a
Speaker 1: moochair or somebody who is you know, just along for
Speaker 1: the ride, Like you know that's not me, Like I
Speaker 1: don't function like that, and she said, if that's the
Speaker 1: way the val really feels, and that's going to change
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff for us. So I was like,
Speaker 1: I almost didn't know what to say to her because
Speaker 1: I was just like, I couldn't even believe what was happening.
Speaker 1: And I was just so confused by the entire weekend
Speaker 1: because I kept getting so many different versions of you
Speaker 1: that I was like, I just have to get home
Speaker 1: and just talk to you face to face to see
Speaker 1: exactly how you felt, because it just none of us
Speaker 1: were accustomed to the devot that we got that weekend
Speaker 1: as things progressed and got worse through Sunday and Monday.
Speaker 1: So when I finally got home and we were able
Speaker 1: to talk about everything, I was able to see more like, Okay, wow,
Speaker 1: this is exactly how you felt, you're telling me now
Speaker 1: in the flesh. In that moment, I saw how hurt
Speaker 1: you were by the entire weekend. I saw that the
Speaker 1: culmination of all the events of the year really just
Speaker 1: took a huge mental toll on you. Filming that last
Speaker 1: two weeks in November that you did, having had the
Speaker 1: year that you had, knowing how stressful the situation was,
Speaker 1: I probably should have taken it upon myself to be like, damn,
Speaker 1: I know how stressful filming at TPS is. Let me
Speaker 1: try to make certain provisions to make sure that you
Speaker 1: were going to be okay. Then I also kind of
Speaker 1: felt like your dad then that me getting back sooner
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily going to cure whatever you had going on.
Speaker 1: So I was like, let me lead into whatever medical
Speaker 1: professionals I know that are in Georgia that can actually
Speaker 1: help you. In turn, me trying to get the nurse
Speaker 1: to come to the house and me trying to make sure, like,
Speaker 1: did you need extra freaking you know, liquid IV? What
Speaker 1: did you need to make sure that you were going
Speaker 1: to at least be able to make it to work
Speaker 1: on Monday. Me telling you that maybe you can't go
Speaker 1: to work on Monday was me trying to stay devout.
Speaker 1: I know you're always thinking about everybody else, and if
Speaker 1: you are physically not in a space to be able
Speaker 1: to work, if you're mentally not in a space to
Speaker 1: be able to work, then you may have to consider that.
Speaker 1: And you didn't want to hear that, but it was
Speaker 1: really me just saying not to just blow you off
Speaker 1: and say, well, figure things out and don't go to
Speaker 1: work because I'm having a blast here without you in Jamaica.
Speaker 1: Because the first thing I said when you said you
Speaker 1: couldn't come was that shit like, I'm so mad you
Speaker 1: can't come because I'm so disappointed. All I wanted was
Speaker 1: for you to be there. So it wasn't even about that.
Speaker 1: I was more so at this point saying, if you
Speaker 1: can't work, you maybe need to take a day and
Speaker 1: actually get better. Take the weekend, take the Monday, take
Speaker 1: the tuthday. And I'm like, people adjust all the time.
Speaker 1: Why would they not be able to adjust? If you,
Speaker 1: who was always fine, always on point, always delivering, why
Speaker 1: wouldn't it be Why wouldn't people be able to make
Speaker 1: adjustments if that's what you needed for your health. But
Speaker 1: I think you took it as me just trying to
Speaker 1: find every way to disregard how you felt, and that
Speaker 1: was an no. I didn't. I didn't take it as that.
Speaker 1: What I took it as was you and I have
Speaker 1: different responsibilities in life, right, And I feel like you
Speaker 1: don't understand the full scope of the stress that goes
Speaker 1: on being the provider and protector. For example, you wake
Speaker 1: up on a random Monday if you don't feel like
Speaker 1: posting anything, if you don't feel like going into meetings,
Speaker 1: if you don't feel like doing nothing, you have the
Speaker 1: autonomy to say I'm not doing that. I can't do
Speaker 1: that because the mortgages do on the first, the cardinal
Speaker 1: to do on the first. So I operate in a
Speaker 1: space of especially being an entrepreneur with a multi media,
Speaker 1: a multimillion dollar media business, I can't just say I'm
Speaker 1: not going in because we do have people that work
Speaker 1: with us. We have partners that work with us who
Speaker 1: require payment. We have you know, we have people who
Speaker 1: make money based on the things that we do. So
Speaker 1: I do feel like in general, but also in this
Speaker 1: moment in particular, it felt okay for you to say
Speaker 1: just don't go in because of the lifestyle. I've been
Speaker 1: able to provide you to say that, but I can't
Speaker 1: do that, and I felt like it was insensitive for
Speaker 1: you to say that to me because you don't understand
Speaker 1: the stresses that I go through every day, whether it's
Speaker 1: not feeling well to take Jackson to practice. There are
Speaker 1: there are moments in the day where I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm just not enough as a father, I'm not enough
Speaker 1: as a husband, I'm not enough as a business partner
Speaker 1: because I'm always like, for example, you know how many
Speaker 1: times I've had to cancel a FaceTime session for running
Speaker 1: lines or missing a table read because I will not
Speaker 1: miss Jackson's practice. No, I'm saying, so I offered to
Speaker 1: take him, and you're like, no, I'm gonna take him
Speaker 1: like jack the value you can take, but but I can't.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why I can't. When I missed
Speaker 1: his banquet, he said to me, He said to you,
Speaker 1: this is why I'll never be an actor, because you
Speaker 1: miss moments like this. Yes, I'm under a different type
Speaker 1: of dress then you are. So I just felt like
Speaker 1: in that moment, and here's the truth about that. You
Speaker 1: can't possibly know that level of stress because I take
Speaker 1: it upon myself to remove that level of stress from
Speaker 1: which is why I say I can't be mad at
Speaker 1: anybody but myself. Right from that Friday when I wasn't
Speaker 1: feeling well, Remember I kept saying to you, baby, this
Speaker 1: is all my fault. I can't blame nobody but myself.
Speaker 1: I was running myself into the ground absolute literally not
Speaker 1: just physically, but also mentally. Another reason why, and this
Speaker 1: is just I'm going to just throw this anecdote in
Speaker 1: here because I think it's important for young entrepreneurs to
Speaker 1: understand this. The money I was going to make from
Speaker 1: that filming that time, a large portion that was gonna
Speaker 1: go pay bonuses for Christmas. My thought process was, if
Speaker 1: I don't finish filming, how am I going to tell
Speaker 1: the people that have worked for me hard for the
Speaker 1: past ten and a half months that I can't give
Speaker 1: you the bonus that you deserve and worked for because
Speaker 1: I couldn't make it through the last five days of filming.
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying. You had no idea. That
Speaker 1: was my thought process, so I can't even blame you
Speaker 1: for last shot after and I was so confused, and
Speaker 1: it was me also trying to be the strong Okay,
Speaker 1: you know you got this, you got this, Hey, send
Speaker 1: me some pictures. I'm I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
Speaker 1: And then and this is where the mu the miscommunication
Speaker 1: comes in. I'm trying my hardest to be strong, and
Speaker 1: I'm trying my hardest to say, babe, there's nothing wrong.
Speaker 1: I'm fine, until something triggers me and it's just like
Speaker 1: I'm not fine. Why the funk? Would you, And then
Speaker 1: it's just like ye, and it's just like I have
Speaker 1: I have to moving forward. And this is going to
Speaker 1: be a large part of my ministry when I speak
Speaker 1: to men who want to be in leadership positions. You
Speaker 1: have to find a way to communicate to your partner
Speaker 1: when you're not okay. It's not weak. It's and not
Speaker 1: only just your partner, your business partners. Oh yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, you have to find
Speaker 1: a way to communicate to people that yo, I might
Speaker 1: need a minute, right because even your children, we can
Speaker 1: we can agree to disagree on that. When I said
Speaker 1: not being super you don't have to be as transparent
Speaker 1: with your children, but you can also let them know, like, hey,
Speaker 1: just is how daddy's feeling. I'm going to do my
Speaker 1: best to do what I need to do. I just
Speaker 1: feel like different levels to it. I feel like I
Speaker 1: agree with you or not. I just feel like children
Speaker 1: aren't emotionally mature enough to understand when dad says, you know,
Speaker 1: I got to go to work to provide. I've tried,
Speaker 1: and even though I've tried, I see Jackson's eyes well
Speaker 1: up and he'll say to me, no, I get it
Speaker 1: and his eyes well up and then I'm not there
Speaker 1: for something and he says to you, mom, this is why. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's like, dang, he really can't understand me. Trying
Speaker 1: to ask my children to understand. I just got to
Speaker 1: try to be there as much as I can. I
Speaker 1: got you, but my business partners, you're grown adult. Yeah
Speaker 1: you if you have kids, you understand my wife. We're adults.
Speaker 1: We can have that conversation. So I feel like, moving forward,
Speaker 1: I have to do better because I feel like I
Speaker 1: caused everybody around me a lot of grief while trying
Speaker 1: to be super strong, and there was no benefit to it,
Speaker 1: especially for me. You know what I'm saying that there
Speaker 1: was no benefit because we didn't come to any reconciliation
Speaker 1: until you came home and Kadina and I decided we
Speaker 1: need to get There was a time I don't think
Speaker 1: anybody knew, but you and I decided we needed to
Speaker 1: go away, out of the house, not to an island
Speaker 1: in all this, We need to go away, stay in
Speaker 1: an airbnb, and let's just sit and talk for a
Speaker 1: couple of days. Because I came home that day and
Speaker 1: I felt like something had broken me. I felt like
Speaker 1: I was abandoned. I felt like no one really cared
Speaker 1: about Devo the person. They only cared about what Devou
Speaker 1: can provide. And I hated feeling like that, and it
Speaker 1: was depressing the shit out of me. And I was
Speaker 1: just like, why do I feel this way? Is it
Speaker 1: them making me feel this way? Or is it something
Speaker 1: I'm making myself feel? And that's what I really wanted
Speaker 1: to talk to you about it, And having the conversations
Speaker 1: and hearing your perspective from that side made me realize
Speaker 1: that there's no way in hell kdem could have known
Speaker 1: things were as bad on this side because I do
Speaker 1: a good job of letting codein feel like everything's always okay. No, seriously, no, no, seriously, Like,
Speaker 1: think about all of the men recently who have committed suicide,
Speaker 1: and everybody was just it was just like, why now
Speaker 1: I was nowhere near suicide? So I don't even want
Speaker 1: to equate what I was feeling in that moment to
Speaker 1: what they're feeling. But they also did a good job
Speaker 1: of making everyone feel like everything was okay until it
Speaker 1: wasn't okay. Yeah, And I'm guilty of that, yeah, not
Speaker 1: to the extent, not not to the extent of where
Speaker 1: I was thinking about harming myself. But it did make
Speaker 1: me realize, like, holy shit, how do I expect people
Speaker 1: to be there for me when they don't even know
Speaker 1: that they need to be there for me. That was it, Devot,
Speaker 1: that was it. And that's when after you expressed all
Speaker 1: of these things, then I had to reach out to
Speaker 1: a couple of people in our life, in your life
Speaker 1: to say, I know Devot always presents that he's okay,
Speaker 1: but he's not. So just love on him a little
Speaker 1: bit more, touch based with him, a little bit more,
Speaker 1: see how he's doing. Because I felt like that's something
Speaker 1: that you needed in that moment. I also felt like
Speaker 1: this moment in Jamaica and the whole argument that happened
Speaker 1: was very triggering for you because your entire life, everyone
Speaker 1: always assumed since you were a kid, that Devout got it.
Speaker 1: Devot is going to be okay, Devout is the firstborn leader.
Speaker 1: He's going to take care of everybody else after him.
Speaker 1: Like you were given that responsibility which you've spoken about
Speaker 1: and we talk about more in the book, where you
Speaker 1: were given all this responsibility early on because your parents
Speaker 1: just had to work and they had to kind a
Speaker 1: way to provide for you and your brother and your sister,
Speaker 1: So you were forced to just always be okay and
Speaker 1: people expected it and just knew that you were always
Speaker 1: going to be okay because you would always figure things out.
Speaker 1: So I think that that whole situation was triggering for
Speaker 1: you because here was another moment where you legitimately weren't
Speaker 1: feeling well and you needed people, but everyone expected you
Speaker 1: to be okay because you always are, and you weren't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree, and in full transparency, I can. I can
Speaker 1: be accountable for myself, but I do also think that
Speaker 1: you and your family need to be accountable for the
Speaker 1: fact that there is always two seconds in a day
Speaker 1: where you can say, let me reach out to the
Speaker 1: person that matters to me. And I felt on that Saturday,
Speaker 1: I know you had a lot going on, and you
Speaker 1: had said to me on that Saturday, will I had
Speaker 1: responsibilities as a matron of honor, as if I was
Speaker 1: supposed to just understand that, And I felt like, I
Speaker 1: don't give a fuck about that. You have responsibilities as
Speaker 1: a wife, Like like your responsibilities as a wife come
Speaker 1: before any other title you have except for motherhood. I agree,
Speaker 1: And I felt like in though that moment you chose
Speaker 1: that that was more important, and I felt like, and
Speaker 1: this is just me speaking where I felt like you
Speaker 1: weren't holding yourself accountable. I just felt like you were
Speaker 1: saying to me that I didn't have time, devot. I
Speaker 1: didn't have time devot, and I'm like to pick up
Speaker 1: the phone and check on somebody takes thirty seconds. You
Speaker 1: can't tell me that there was no point during that
Speaker 1: day on the Saturday, because I didn't see you the
Speaker 1: whole Saturday except for early in the morning, and then
Speaker 1: Sunday we spoke early in the morning, I FaceTime you
Speaker 1: FaceTime me, but for the rest of the day I
Speaker 1: hadn't even seen my wife. Well, I was sending you
Speaker 1: photos and stuff, so I thought that like me texting
Speaker 1: you back and forth and trying to keep you in
Speaker 1: the loop with me, trying to be in touch with you,
Speaker 1: and then I know that I know that it was
Speaker 1: very far and few between. I think we had one
Speaker 1: interaction between the hours of like four pm when the
Speaker 1: wedding started, and then nine thirty right and it was
Speaker 1: a quick like touch base about something, and then you
Speaker 1: didn't hear from me again. So I understand how you
Speaker 1: feel and I'll say that I could have every hour
Speaker 1: just picked up the phone and said, hey, you're checking
Speaker 1: on you. Hey, just checking on you, Hey, just checking
Speaker 1: on you. But I was also battling with do I
Speaker 1: keep doing that to remind him that he's not here,
Speaker 1: or do I just kind of let it be, like
Speaker 1: you know, I was, because I didn't know what what
Speaker 1: you were feeling. Legitimately, I hear what you're saying, but
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, that just sounds like excuses to me,
Speaker 1: because when I was got a soul trained, there wasn't
Speaker 1: and I didn't check on you every hour, but there
Speaker 1: was no point where a long period of time didn't
Speaker 1: go by where I didn't I didn't call you and say, yo,
Speaker 1: I'm a sole trained look at this. I said, how
Speaker 1: are you feeling? Bade? And I feel like I've always
Speaker 1: done that, like I've always put your health, your mental health,
Speaker 1: your well being first, even when it was the most
Speaker 1: important thing in my life at that poement. That's my
Speaker 1: first time presenting in an award show and taking my mom,
Speaker 1: I still had the mental fur to two to say,
Speaker 1: let me check on my wife. It wasn't no, you
Speaker 1: not be a basket case. Y'all. I mean we both basketcases. Clearly,
Speaker 1: you know, extra basketcase that nobody had ever seen before
Speaker 1: in this particular moment. You never like that, right, You're right,
Speaker 1: So it's different. You're right. I'll admit that, like I'm
Speaker 1: used to you being a basketcase, so I know how
Speaker 1: to move. I will admit that, like I'm I'm not
Speaker 1: going to absolve myself. That's what I'm not trying to do.
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to insolve myself either, because I could
Speaker 1: have done more, you know what I'm saying. I could
Speaker 1: have And I do feel like sometimes the communication, the
Speaker 1: miscommunication just comes from you know, like just just check
Speaker 1: on me, bro, Like just just check on me. And
Speaker 1: the miscommunication also comes from let me be honest, right
Speaker 1: by babe? How you feel the overarching topic here, y'all
Speaker 1: listen to this entire back and forth. Feel like for
Speaker 1: the whole hour, I feel like it's good because I
Speaker 1: don't even want to do listener letters. I want to
Speaker 1: do moment of truth. So let's do things a little
Speaker 1: unconventional for this show, right, So we won't do listening
Speaker 1: letters because I feel like we both had This is
Speaker 1: like our listen we was our own listener letters exactly.
Speaker 1: We're representing y'all with what the disagreement was. So let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break and so we can jump right
Speaker 1: into whatever our moment of truth is for that episode. Deal,
Speaker 1: we'll be back, all right, y'all. So we're back, So
Speaker 1: go ahead, jump into a moment of truth. Baby. So
Speaker 1: this is my moment of truth as a man who
Speaker 1: claims to be a leader and a provider and a
Speaker 1: protector of my family. I have to be honest when
Speaker 1: my wife says, Yo, how you feeling. I have to
Speaker 1: be honest to say, babe, I don't feel good. And
Speaker 1: if you've noticed, I've been more honest and upfront with
Speaker 1: you and my business partners about stuff. Who are not
Speaker 1: that's not rubbing me the right way, right. I've made
Speaker 1: it a choice. I mean, you guys don't know everybody
Speaker 1: in the podcast crew, but this year I've made it
Speaker 1: a point that when I have an issue with someone
Speaker 1: or something doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: the real time because I don't want it to fester
Speaker 1: and it become a thing where months later go by
Speaker 1: or years later and devout blows up and they're like, Yo,
Speaker 1: he didn't say nothing the whole time. That's on me.
Speaker 1: So my moment of truth is for gentlemen, if you
Speaker 1: honestly don't feel good about something or don't feel good,
Speaker 1: say something in real time, don't expect people to know
Speaker 1: because that's a huge miscommunication. That's a good one. So
Speaker 1: Triple had a list of you know, how to communicate
Speaker 1: effectively and I kind of skim through it, and I
Speaker 1: think one thing that I can take from it is
Speaker 1: finding a way to assert yourself without being disruptive, dismissive,
Speaker 1: or demoralizing, clearly stating your issue and how you'd like
Speaker 1: to resolve it. So for me, I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: still trying to figure out what this dance is of
Speaker 1: expressing how I feel without having the feeling to want
Speaker 1: to interject every time you say something that may in
Speaker 1: my mind need clarity and when there is a miscommunication
Speaker 1: that arises, I feel like in general, and this can
Speaker 1: work for men or women, really try to listen and
Speaker 1: if it requires that you it might see an extreme.
Speaker 1: Like I said, take notes on the bullet points or
Speaker 1: moments that you said, Like I don't want to free
Speaker 1: get something, and I also want to be able to
Speaker 1: yeah as a debate team person, right, I get that,
Speaker 1: So I get it. Yeah, I feel like that's what
Speaker 1: I need to do sometimes because you just see me
Speaker 1: interjecting as a being disrespectful or just trying to be
Speaker 1: disruptive or dismissive of how you feel in that moment,
Speaker 1: But in me it sparks a moment of like, oh no,
Speaker 1: like I think you might have misunderstood, because ultimately what
Speaker 1: we want to gain is understanding right of how the
Speaker 1: other person feels so we can move accordingly. So if
Speaker 1: I feel like you may have a misunderstanding with something
Speaker 1: you say in that moment, I need to then interject
Speaker 1: and say, hold on, you're mistaking how I feel, or
Speaker 1: you're mistaking what I did. Where I should like we
Speaker 1: practice today, you saying your piece, asking if you're okay
Speaker 1: and you're done, and can I interject or can I
Speaker 1: now speak that way? It gives a better strategy, I think,
Speaker 1: for a nice kind of dance where we go back
Speaker 1: and forth, where it's not a back and forth that's
Speaker 1: combative or it feels like you're just being defensive, which
Speaker 1: I get to tend to be late bold a lot
Speaker 1: whenever we have disagreements, So moment of truth time if
Speaker 1: it needs, or if it requires, for you to keep
Speaker 1: track of your ideas and your thoughts mid conversation so
Speaker 1: that way you can then not necessarily refute your argument,
Speaker 1: but just say how you felt and how the other
Speaker 1: may have misconstrue what you said. Do that, take your
Speaker 1: notes and be able to eloquently express how you feel
Speaker 1: so that it becomes ultimately understanding and clarity. No, I
Speaker 1: understand where you're coming from because I never even thought
Speaker 1: about it until you said it. Once again, this is
Speaker 1: me thinking that everyone's mind operates like mine. Being a
Speaker 1: member of the debate team, you can't interrupt someone while
Speaker 1: they're debating. So if we're having a conversation, I typically
Speaker 1: let you get all your thoughts out yes beforehand, So
Speaker 1: then when I start to talk and then you cut
Speaker 1: me off, it is a sign of disrespect, especially in debates,
Speaker 1: because it's like I can't even finish my thought without
Speaker 1: cutting me off, And it's like I just let you speak,
Speaker 1: and then I'm used to remembering the points that I
Speaker 1: want to review and then going back to it. But
Speaker 1: I know it may not be an exercise that you've
Speaker 1: done your life literally an exercise. I get that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because when you had your whole run of show for
Speaker 1: what happened on Sunday, I was like, oh, shoot, okay,
Speaker 1: they're Soul Train Awards. Okay, Soul Train Awards, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: the flight, I didn't move the Okay. So I'm literally
Speaker 1: and then i find myself almost now not listening to
Speaker 1: you because I'm trying to remember what I want to
Speaker 1: talk about. I'm glad you said that what happens. I'm
Speaker 1: glad you said that because that's how I feel. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'll be talking sometimes and you'll stop listening
Speaker 1: to what I'm saying, and you want to argue the
Speaker 1: one point that you want to get across, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: did you not listen to anything else I say? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, argue with you about a minute point that
Speaker 1: wasn't even my whole point, and You're just like, but
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that you understand this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but now I'll understand why that's exactly what happened. So again,
Speaker 1: something new that we learned today, and this is important
Speaker 1: for everyone to see, Like, this is why we never
Speaker 1: claim to be experts, because we are still learning about
Speaker 1: each other and we are still loving on each other.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that everything is perfect all the time.
Speaker 1: Like that doesn't mean that when you see on social
Speaker 1: media or since we wrote a book that man when
Speaker 1: they have disagreements they just sit down like a dough. No.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we'd be screaming and hollering and cursing and walking
Speaker 1: away and it's like, yo, let's realist back in. But
Speaker 1: we also both are dedicated to the process of learning
Speaker 1: each other so that we can be better the next time. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, hope this helped if you were able
Speaker 1: to pull any you know, tips and things that you
Speaker 1: can utilize within your own relationship. I think it's just
Speaker 1: at this point not just a man and woman thing.
Speaker 1: It's a person thing, Like, yes, what style of arguments
Speaker 1: or style of debate are you? And now that Jackson
Speaker 1: has joined the debate team, you can give him tips
Speaker 1: about it because I sure don't know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: Hey at the time. All right, y'all still writing for
Speaker 1: listening letters, So I'm going to still tag that there
Speaker 1: even though we didn't get a chance to get to it,
Speaker 1: because we had real life listening letters right here today.
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as a listener letter
Speaker 1: and you had some argument with Bay and you said,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't know if he's right or
Speaker 1: she's right, or she's right, or she's right, or he's
Speaker 1: right or he's right. Whatever. Go ahead and email us
Speaker 1: at Data's Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E
Speaker 1: A d as A d V I C E at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. And be sure to find us on Patreon, y'all.
Speaker 1: We are there giving you exclusive dead As podcasts, video content,
Speaker 1: and so much more of the Ellis family there, so
Speaker 1: be shure to sign up and you can find us
Speaker 1: on social media. The podcast page is dead As the
Speaker 1: podcast and I'm Kadin. I am on Instagram and TikTok
Speaker 1: and that's at I am Devo on Instagram and Facebook.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
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