Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yow.
Speaker 3: The Oscars are just around the corner that magical night
Speaker 3: when America's finest actors seethed with rage while British people
Speaker 3: pretending to be Americans steal their awards. And if you're
Speaker 3: not excited about the Academy Awards, welcome to the club
Speaker 3: they suck. For years, the Oscars broadcast has drawn fewer
Speaker 3: people than the strip aerobics class. I teach its exercise
Speaker 3: and it helps me unlock my sensuality. So this year
Speaker 3: the producers are trying to get us watching again in
Speaker 3: ways that range from the idiotic to the insane.
Speaker 4: The producers of the Oscars are slimming down the broadcast
Speaker 4: in an effort to boost slumping ratings. Eight awards will
Speaker 4: now be presented off air, including the Oscars for Film Editing,
Speaker 4: Makeup and their Hairstyling, and Music Original Score. The ceremony
Speaker 4: for those categories will begin an hour before the telecast.
Speaker 4: The winners will then be sprinkled into.
Speaker 5: The three hour broadcast.
Speaker 4: The President of the Academy says the changes are necessary
Speaker 4: for the future success of the Oscars.
Speaker 3: You can't cut out the men and women who work
Speaker 3: behind the scenes. Without them on stage, the oscars are
Speaker 3: just awards for Hollywood's greatest sex criminals. How sad is
Speaker 3: it that the Academy has decided that the reason people
Speaker 3: don't want to watch its awards show is that there
Speaker 3: are too many awards. Recognizing excellence through awards is the
Speaker 3: whole point. Without that, the oscars are totally meaningless. Also,
Speaker 3: with that, the oscars are totally meaningless, it's especially unfair
Speaker 3: not to broadcast that makeup and hairstyle oscars. Those people
Speaker 3: are the backbone of our industry. I have a whole
Speaker 3: team of people working hours to make me this beautiful. Now,
Speaker 3: if people simply don't care about the little war wards,
Speaker 3: then sure cutting them will make the show more appealing.
Speaker 3: The problem is nobody cares about the big awards either,
Speaker 3: because they keep nominating movies nobody has seen. Okay, I
Speaker 3: did see The Power the Dog, but only because they
Speaker 3: tricked me into thinking it was a superhero movie. If
Speaker 3: the dog doesn't fly, that's not a power. So now
Speaker 3: the Academy has a real problem. Sure they could just
Speaker 3: nominate movies ordinary people like, but that wouldn't be a
Speaker 3: good idea either, because ordinary people are morons. Who only
Speaker 3: like dumb movies that don't deserve nominations, so instead, they
Speaker 3: come up with the perfect way to pander the fans
Speaker 3: while also insulting our intelligence.
Speaker 6: And the Motion Picture Academy is looking to get film
Speaker 6: fans involved. The Hollywood Reporter says this Here, folks on
Speaker 6: Twitter get to vote on their favorite movies of last
Speaker 6: year using the hashtag Oscars. Fan Favorite can be any title,
Speaker 6: so you're not limited just to this year's nominated pictures.
Speaker 6: The movie that gets the most fan votes will be
Speaker 6: recognized during the Oscar show.
Speaker 3: What a great idea. Let's let Russian bots choose the Oscars.
Speaker 3: They did such a terrific job with our elections. There's
Speaker 3: already a vote for fan favorite. It's called buying a
Speaker 3: decad asshole. If the Oscars are so desperate for viewers,
Speaker 3: there are better ways to get eyeballs than cutting categories
Speaker 3: or polling Twitter. How about a halftime show. It works
Speaker 3: for the Super Bowl. Also, how about making the stars
Speaker 3: smash their heads together until they get brain damage. It
Speaker 3: works for the super Bowl. But really, we all know
Speaker 3: what makes the Oscars such a drag. Those interminable speeches
Speaker 3: and clearly playing people off with music doesn't do jack shit,
Speaker 3: and that's why I've come up with a way to
Speaker 3: guarantee the winners don't wear out there. Welcome all right, everyone,
Speaker 3: Let's keep it short. Hi buzz transfer expires in fifteen minutes,
Speaker 3: and I intend to use it.
Speaker 7: Thank you to the Academy that our heroes unite us now,
Speaker 7: the best among us, who inspire us to find the
Speaker 7: best in ourselves. You know, when they unite us, when
Speaker 7: we look to our heroes, we agree.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we all agree. Your speech has gone on long enough.
Speaker 3: Save the rest for your diary.
Speaker 7: Bridget Jones, Venus and Serena and Selena, Bob Dylan Scorsese,
Speaker 7: Tred Rogers, Harriet Tubman, Neil Armstrong, Sally Wright, Delores s Fertra.
Speaker 3: Neil Armstrong speech was one sentence. You are disgrace to
Speaker 3: his legacy.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you all so very much.
Speaker 3: As the hottest year in recorded history, our production needed
Speaker 3: to move to the southern tip of this planet just
Speaker 3: to be able to find snow. You've gotta be kidding me.
Speaker 3: The glaciers may be melting, but at least they move
Speaker 3: faster than this. For the last time, keep the speech
Speaker 3: shortened to the point.
Speaker 8: We feel entitled. Chartificially inseminated a cow, and when she
Speaker 8: gives birth, we steal her baby, even though her cries
Speaker 8: of anguish are unmistakable. And then we take her milk
Speaker 8: that's intended for a calf, and we put it in
Speaker 8: our coffee and our cereal.
Speaker 5: Oh, come on, not for nothing.
Speaker 3: But if you had wrapped that up earlier, I wouldn't
Speaker 3: need it a midnight snack. That's not only a great idea,
Speaker 3: it's a great performance. Where's my Oscar?
Speaker 9: Well?
Speaker 10: Last night in Los Angeles, Academy voters finally answered one
Speaker 10: of Hollywood's age old.
Speaker 5: Questions, You like movies?
Speaker 3: Gladiators?
Speaker 5: The answer sort of.
Speaker 10: The action adventure epic Gladiator took home Best Picture honors
Speaker 10: at the seventy third Annual Academy Awards, but keep in
Speaker 10: mind the direction, screenplay, score, editing, cinematography, set direction, and
Speaker 10: Supporting Actor apparently could have been better. The evening saw
Speaker 10: no clear winner, as the major awards were split between
Speaker 10: a handful of films, primarily Traffic, Gladiator, the Chinese language
Speaker 10: martial Arts epic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and to a
Speaker 10: much much much lesser extent, Space Cowboys, Gladiators. Russell Crowe
Speaker 10: walked away with Best Actor honors, and he had a
Speaker 10: few people to thank.
Speaker 3: I'd like to thank the Academy.
Speaker 5: I also had to thank my mom and dad.
Speaker 10: He also thanked the riverboat captain who apparently just dropped
Speaker 10: him off. As for Best Actress, it came as little
Speaker 10: surprised that Julia Roberts took home the trophy for her
Speaker 10: work in Aaron Brockovich. You know, interesting side note. The
Speaker 10: producers imposed a forty five second speech limit, but Ms
Speaker 10: Roberts took five minutes. She used it well, I love
Speaker 10: that up here.
Speaker 8: Turn that clock off.
Speaker 2: It's making me nervous.
Speaker 11: My name starts with the art.
Speaker 5: There's four minutes and forty more.
Speaker 10: Seconds of that bonap Pettie. In keeping with the Daily
Speaker 10: shows ongoing commitment to this to the disabled, we'd like
Speaker 10: to present a translation of Robert's speech for the hearing
Speaker 10: impaired and just Francis.
Speaker 8: And Marcus and Mike and everybody.
Speaker 5: Me me me, me.
Speaker 1: Me, me me me.
Speaker 10: I learned that from children of a lesser God. Like
Speaker 10: any respectable news organization, we pour unlimited resources into our
Speaker 10: Oscar coverage. So we're going to take you out live
Speaker 10: to Los Angeles, where Chief Entertainment correspondent Nancy Walls is
Speaker 10: still at the shrine, standing by on the red carpet. So, Nancy,
Speaker 10: a big night last night. You had the best seat
Speaker 10: in the house, I imagine.
Speaker 5: Oh, you better believe it's Stephen.
Speaker 8: This red carpet featured a veritable who's who.
Speaker 5: Of who interviews who.
Speaker 7: As all the stars were asked questions by the best
Speaker 7: in the business.
Speaker 12: If you're a fan of famous people who make their
Speaker 12: living asking questions of people who are even more famous,
Speaker 12: then this was ground zero.
Speaker 5: Ha ha.
Speaker 12: Jonah Melissa Rivers were here. Also on hand access Hollywood's
Speaker 12: Pat O'Brien when.
Speaker 7: He mused if the crow would fly for Oscar, we
Speaker 7: had to go stand over a fan.
Speaker 12: Mary Hart was here and who was that handsome man
Speaker 12: by her side?
Speaker 5: Why it was her cameraman, Reginald Yes Stephen.
Speaker 7: It was truly a night where the Hollywood that celebrates
Speaker 7: Hollywood celebrated itself.
Speaker 10: Thank you, Nancy. That sounds great. This year's show had
Speaker 10: a decidedly international flavor, with Anglee's Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Speaker 10: taking home a cluster of awards. It's safe to say
Speaker 10: that the Oscar stage has never before seen such a
Speaker 10: multicultural parade of influences and a wonderful assortment of strange
Speaker 10: new tongues.
Speaker 5: Whils old truth in.
Speaker 7: The world had up to a big life.
Speaker 10: And then there was Bob Dylan. Dylan's satellite performance Live
Speaker 10: from Australia came on the heels of performances by other
Speaker 10: international superstars, most notably Icelandic pop goddess Bork Gudman's dottyer
Speaker 10: acclaimed cellis Yo Yo oh my, and Philadelphia's seventy six
Speaker 10: er center Dikembe Mutombo. He wasn't actually there, I just
Speaker 10: like saying his name, further adding to the international flavor.
Speaker 10: The Irving Folberg Award this year presented to Italy's eighty
Speaker 10: one year old producing legend Dino Delarentes.
Speaker 2: My gratitude to go to six beautiful women. They love me,
Speaker 2: They're gipping me off, my wife from Martin, my daughter,
Speaker 2: Veronica Rafaela, Francesca, Carolina Litredina.
Speaker 10: Delarentis went way over his time limit because he kept
Speaker 10: interrupting himself by saying, let's take another look at my wife.
Speaker 5: Can you believe I'm a banging that?
Speaker 4: I mean a look at me.
Speaker 5: My skin hangs are from my body. My skin hangs
Speaker 5: from my body like.
Speaker 12: A warm dough.
Speaker 10: I'm barely a human and I can take her any
Speaker 10: a time I want.
Speaker 8: Ha.
Speaker 5: Who is your gladiator?
Speaker 12: Now?
Speaker 8: Who?
Speaker 10: Last night's ceremonies were watched by almost a billion people
Speaker 10: around the world. It's what makes the oscar special. Our
Speaker 10: own European correspondent, Steve Carrell watch the spectacle from war
Speaker 10: torn Macedonia where he is stationed.
Speaker 5: We have him on the phone live, Steve.
Speaker 9: Are you there, hello, Stephen?
Speaker 10: What image will you keep with you from last night?
Speaker 9: Well, there are so many, but I'd say one picture
Speaker 9: I'll never get out of my mind was that of
Speaker 9: the Macedonian tank columns rolling into Tetevo, devouring everything beneath
Speaker 9: their ravenous steel treads and reducing this once great civilization
Speaker 9: to a nightmarish healthscape of unspeakable anguish.
Speaker 10: So I take it you didn't get a chance to
Speaker 10: watch the You.
Speaker 9: Can't weren't a misser for the world when Julia Won
Speaker 9: I was crying. I mean I started crying because of
Speaker 9: an atrocity I saw perpetrated on a busload of refugees.
Speaker 9: But I saved a few tears for Julia. She and them.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Steve.
Speaker 10: You be careful over there.
Speaker 9: I sure will do me a favor. Will you tell
Speaker 9: my wife that I love her? You know, just in case.
Speaker 10: I'll get somebody on that.
Speaker 12: Welcome back to the Bill Show. Are you guys as
Speaker 12: excited as I am about the awards season?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 12: Yeah, I mean we just had the Golden Globes, the
Speaker 12: SAG Awards, and of course the Fake News Awards, which
Speaker 12: was the biggest fake news of all because it wasn't
Speaker 12: even awards. This was a shitty website Trump. I mean,
Speaker 12: you could have put a little bit of evidence to it.
Speaker 12: Some of us took out ads and got our head
Speaker 12: did But whatever, I'm not angry. But now is the
Speaker 12: granddaddy of them all the Oscars, and this year Granddad's
Speaker 12: got some new.
Speaker 5: Moves in Hollywood this morning.
Speaker 6: The Motion Picture Academy did spread the wealth around a
Speaker 6: number of diverse projects, and the movie with the most
Speaker 6: nominations was made by a man from Mexico.
Speaker 11: With seven hundred and seventy four new Academy voters in
Speaker 11: the mix for twenty eighteen, said to be younger and
Speaker 11: more diverse in gender, ethnicity and geography than in years past.
Speaker 11: A more inclusive group of nominees across the board may
Speaker 11: be the result the aim of the Academy's membership initiative
Speaker 11: in the wake of twenty sixteen's Oscars So White protests.
Speaker 5: That's right.
Speaker 12: This year's Oscars are so diverse that they're renominating La
Speaker 12: La Land just so they can take the Oscar away
Speaker 12: from it again. Ha Here with his insider's look at
Speaker 12: the nominees is our own award season expert, Roy Wood Junior.
Speaker 4: Everybody expert.
Speaker 5: Indeed, what's up right, ay Man?
Speaker 1: Look In the past it was hashtag Oscar so white,
Speaker 1: but this year it's hashtag oscar so sorry. People who
Speaker 1: were long overlooked are finally getting their due. Obviously. The
Speaker 1: big one is get Out, four top nominations. That's dope. Now,
Speaker 1: little known fact, Trevor, a lot of people don't know
Speaker 1: this get Out is based on a true story.
Speaker 5: Why it is, Yeah, get out.
Speaker 1: It's the true story of a prominent black neurosurgeon trapped
Speaker 1: inside the Trump administration. Now they changed some of the details,
Speaker 1: but tell me this ain't Ben Carson every day.
Speaker 3: Well, well, I find that the African American experience for
Speaker 3: me has been for the most part, very good.
Speaker 5: Damn right, never thought of the way down to the
Speaker 5: hat that's been Carson.
Speaker 12: Someone should try and free Ben Carson with a flash photo.
Speaker 1: That wouldn't work. His eyes always closed.
Speaker 12: And now Roy the star of that movie, Daniel Klure,
Speaker 12: he picked up his first OSCAR nomination. How do you
Speaker 12: like his ards?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: He good? He good man. It's a British black dude
Speaker 1: playing an American black dude. That's like, how you sit
Speaker 1: at this desk and pretend to be Australian every night
Speaker 1: or whatever the hell act sent there this wait what?
Speaker 1: But also, man, don't count out Denzel and Roman j Israel.
Speaker 1: Denzel Washington plays Questlove, playing a lawyer. The layers of
Speaker 1: that performance, bro layers.
Speaker 12: He's not playing Questlove, I.
Speaker 1: Know, he becomes quest Love. Now. This is also a
Speaker 1: great time for black actresses. Octavia Spencer Octavia Spencer man
Speaker 1: became the first black woman to get nominated two years running.
Speaker 1: And then there's the Best Supporting Actress nominee, Miss Mary J.
Speaker 5: Blige.
Speaker 12: Yeah, that was that was amazing And I'll go ahead
Speaker 12: met that was a nice surprise.
Speaker 1: Oh man, it wasn't that surprising. As soon as I
Speaker 1: saw mud Bound, I knew Mary j was getting a nomination.
Speaker 1: She ain't wearing no makeup anytime. Anytime a black woman
Speaker 1: in a film, don't put on no makeup. You know
Speaker 1: it's gonna be some serious acting. Got Oprah in the
Speaker 1: color purple, Monique and Precious and Medea and Alex Cross.
Speaker 1: I almost didn't recognize it.
Speaker 12: Oh, man, Roy, you know the truth is, representation is
Speaker 12: so much better this year, Like Jordan Peele and Grita
Speaker 12: Gowick for Best Director. Mud Bound's Rachel Morrison is the
Speaker 12: first ever woman nominated for cinematographies.
Speaker 1: Right man, everybody got recognized, man, Black people, women people,
Speaker 1: But you're forgetting the biggest breakthrough of them all fish people.
Speaker 1: Did you see Shape of Water Brook. They got a
Speaker 1: fish person, an actual fish person, not in the background
Speaker 1: role like they normally get. This fish person is the
Speaker 1: romantic lead, and he got to smash brought it never happens.
Speaker 5: The fish got to smash.
Speaker 12: Fish people never get to smash. That does sound like
Speaker 12: a oh oh.
Speaker 1: Wait, lit you're right, you're right, little mermaid she got
Speaker 1: some pipe, but only after she turned into a human.
Speaker 1: Now I'm not blaming the Little Mermaid as an actress.
Speaker 1: Back then, it was a different time in Hollywood. Fish
Speaker 1: people had to take the rolls they could get. But
Speaker 1: this dude in shape of Water, Yo, he's openly fish
Speaker 1: and still gets the girl sucking aquaman?
Speaker 11: Right?
Speaker 12: Would you and everybody? The Oscar nominations were announced today
Speaker 12: and diversity was clearly on people's minds. Regina King was
Speaker 12: nominated for Best Supporting Actress, well deserved, and.
Speaker 5: This is amazing to me.
Speaker 12: Spike Lee got his first nomination for Best Director.
Speaker 5: And it's crazy.
Speaker 12: It's crazy that it took that long for him to
Speaker 12: be recognized after he spent years directing the Indiana Pacers
Speaker 12: to go fit themselves.
Speaker 5: But this year, this year's difference.
Speaker 12: I mean, it's gotten so black that two of the
Speaker 12: Best Picture nominees had the word black in them. Yeah,
Speaker 12: it's like Academy voters were like, Okay, we don't want
Speaker 12: another Oscar so white, black panther, black clansmen. You know,
Speaker 12: screw it, let's nominate black mirror too. Put black mirror
Speaker 12: in there.
Speaker 5: It's a TV show. I don't care.
Speaker 12: We're playing it safe. So here to talk about the
Speaker 12: rest of the nominations is someone who was in one
Speaker 12: of the year's biggest movies. Crazy rich Asians are very own,
Speaker 12: can't tag everybody, oky wud. It's always an exciting day
Speaker 12: when the Oscar nominations come out. It's an wide open field.
Speaker 12: Who do you think is going to take home Best Picture?
Speaker 5: Trevor? Who gives a shit about Best Picture? All right?
Speaker 5: The story this year is all about the deserving nominees
Speaker 5: who are snubbed, Snubs, snubs and more snubs, especially in
Speaker 5: the only category that anyone actually cares about. Best Supporting Actor.
Speaker 13: For performance by an actor in a supporting role Mahershela
Speaker 13: Ali in Green Book, Adam Driver in Black Clansmen, Sam
Speaker 13: Elliott in A Star is Born Richard E. Grandt and
Speaker 13: can You ever Forgive Me? And Sam Rockwell in Vice.
Speaker 5: No. Wow, great job, Academy Solar group of nominees. But
Speaker 5: maybe you're snubbing someone someone like oh know me, Roy Shang.
Speaker 5: Supporting Actor and Crazy rich Asians available on iTunes and
Speaker 5: airplanes everywhere.
Speaker 12: Wait, wait right, you genuinely think you've been snubbed.
Speaker 5: I think I've been Yeah, of course I've been snubbed.
Speaker 5: I lost to a bunch of no name hacks, come
Speaker 5: on running.
Speaker 12: There was a great actors in this category. Sam Elliott
Speaker 12: was amazing and a.
Speaker 5: Star is born Sam Elliott. Listen, Trevor. Everyone in the
Speaker 5: business knows his mustache is doing all the acting. Okay.
Speaker 5: I could have gone a mustache like that, but I
Speaker 5: care too much about the craft to rely on cheap
Speaker 5: facial props like that.
Speaker 8: Okay.
Speaker 5: Also, my lip can't do that, Okay, Well, okay, well fine.
Speaker 12: What about Adam Driver and Black Clansmen?
Speaker 5: You mean Emo daff Vader, who brought whining to a
Speaker 5: galaxy far far away? Big deal? He played a Jewish
Speaker 5: guy pretending to be in the KKK. I playing a
Speaker 5: Chinese person from Hong Kong when I'm really a Chinese
Speaker 5: person from Malaysia. Okay, that's range plus. In the movie
Speaker 5: I had to play an asshole when in reality I'm
Speaker 5: more of a dick. Okay. And understanding that subtle difference
Speaker 5: is what separates the best supporting men from the best
Speaker 5: supporting boys. Okay. And what about maherschel Ali? Huh? He
Speaker 5: just sang a car for two hours. I do that
Speaker 5: every time I take an uber. All I get is
Speaker 5: two stars and don't get me started on Richard E. Grant.
Speaker 5: I bet you're like, who's that, right, Trevor, No, actually,
Speaker 5: we don't.
Speaker 12: He it's the veteran actor. He's a character actor. He's
Speaker 12: been in movies for decades.
Speaker 5: Okay, shut up, Trevor, Lay you know what I should
Speaker 5: nominate you for lee Supportive Friend. Besides, this guy's movie
Speaker 5: only made eight million dollars. I know Instagram stories that
Speaker 5: made more money. All right, last and certainly the least
Speaker 5: Sam Rockwell invice again he already won last year? Or
Speaker 5: we're gonna do? Are we just gonna keep nominating him?
Speaker 5: Is this the Best Supporting Actor Award or the Best
Speaker 5: Sam Rockwell Award? Plus that's already another Sam nominated? Okay,
Speaker 5: too many SAMs? Hashtag oscar so Sam's wow, wow wow running.
Speaker 12: You you really seem angry about this man?
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, well guess what, Trevor, I'm I'm actually not angry.
Speaker 5: That was that was all just acting oow o great
Speaker 5: yeah oh aw kid, I'm all right.
Speaker 8: You actually had us going.
Speaker 5: Yeah, thank you, and I hope the Academy will consider
Speaker 5: this episode for next year's Oscars.
Speaker 12: Well, we're on TV, so it's not eligible for those Awards,
Speaker 12: God damn it, will the Slums Never?
Speaker 5: And running Shag Everybody, We'll be right back. Explore more
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