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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and I am the host. If you are curious what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the bonus episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send

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Speaker 1: to me and you can send those to Katherine at

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now quick disclaimer that, like

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Speaker 1: any You Need Therapy episode, these episodes do not serve

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Speaker 1: as a replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services. However,

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Speaker 1: we always hope that they can help and or be

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Speaker 1: meaningful to you in whatever space you are listening to them.

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Speaker 1: So we like to stick to one question a week,

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Speaker 1: and I always keep them anonymous, so you don't have

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Speaker 1: to worry about your stuff getting aired on the podcast

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Speaker 1: and you can feel safe in sending in the questions

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Speaker 1: that you are grappling with. Today's going to be basic episode.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read one question, then we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk about it, and I say let's just get into it. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: I am looking for some guidance on how to handle

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Speaker 1: a friendship I am currently struggling with. For context, this

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Speaker 1: is a friend I've had for over five years. We

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Speaker 1: are part of a bigger group of friends, but I

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Speaker 1: would consider her one of my closer friends in that group.

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Speaker 1: I really do love her, and I don't want to

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Speaker 1: ruin our relationship, but she has been doing things and

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Speaker 1: saying things lately that have really begun to wear at

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Speaker 1: my patience and at times hurt my feelings. For example,

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Speaker 1: I recently got a promotion at work, and instead of

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Speaker 1: a congrats, her first response was how much money did

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Speaker 1: they give you? Maybe I'm being sensitive, but I have

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Speaker 1: created a story in my head that she can't be

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Speaker 1: happy for me, or something like that. Another example is

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Speaker 1: when we went out recently and we were approached by

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Speaker 1: some guys that I thought were cute. One of them

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Speaker 1: asked for my number and I was really excited. When

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Speaker 1: I told her what happened, all she said was, oh, haha,

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Speaker 1: he wasn't even the cute one. I generally just ignore

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Speaker 1: her comments and I guess sweep them under the rug.

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Speaker 1: But I'm finding myself now wanting to snap. How can

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Speaker 1: I approach this issue with her? Or does it sound

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Speaker 1: like I'm taking things the wrong way. I've been told

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Speaker 1: in the past that I can be in quotes dramatic,

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Speaker 1: and I'm afraid that if I say something, she will

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Speaker 1: roll her eyes and tell me that I'm overreacting or

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Speaker 1: need to learn how to take a joke. But even

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Speaker 1: writing that fear out makes me so angry. I would

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Speaker 1: never do that to a friend, or I hope I wouldn't. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: any feedback would be helpful. Okay, I really like this

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Speaker 1: question because I think most of us have probably been

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Speaker 1: in this type of situation before, if not with a friend,

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Speaker 1: with someone else in our lives. It can be a coworker,

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Speaker 1: can be a partner, the person that you see at

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Speaker 1: the grocery store every week who knows. And for people

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Speaker 1: who tend to be overthinkers, people pleaser as conflict avoiders,

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Speaker 1: this situation can feel almost like a nightmare, like you're trapped.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to keep allowing these kind of comments

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Speaker 1: in your life, and at the same time, you're kind

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Speaker 1: of grappling with if addressing them would create more of

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Speaker 1: an issue than you learning how to I guess in

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Speaker 1: one way or the other cope with the comments. But

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Speaker 1: what I want you guys to know if you are

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Speaker 1: really aligning with that this situation doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: a nightmare. It might feel like that in the beginning

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Speaker 1: as you try to do some of the things I'm

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Speaker 1: going to talk about, but it doesn't have to feel

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Speaker 1: like a nightmare. And if you do practice some of this,

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Speaker 1: it's not always going to feel like a nightmare. We're

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Speaker 1: going to kind of level the stakes. I think when

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Speaker 1: something is new and different and we've never done something

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Speaker 1: like this before, it can feel really, really, really terrifying

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Speaker 1: because we don't know what's going to happen, and we

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Speaker 1: don't know how we were going to respond if the

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Speaker 1: worst case scenario happens. And when we get some experience

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Speaker 1: of our belt and we realize that, like, oh, we

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Speaker 1: didn't die, we actually have the ability to cope and

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Speaker 1: move through these situations and sit with the discomfort of

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Speaker 1: these conversations, then it becomes to get less scarier and

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Speaker 1: easier for you to do. Now. I think it is

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Speaker 1: very fair that you the person that wrote this. I

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Speaker 1: want to address the comments for many reasons, one including

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Speaker 1: it sounds like you really are looking for some clarity

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Speaker 1: in what your friend is meaning by these comments or

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Speaker 1: why they feel necessary, And part of that might be

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Speaker 1: because the comments that she's making the two that you

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Speaker 1: get to meet, they just don't seem like necessary comments,

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Speaker 1: and out of context they do kind of sound unkind.

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Speaker 1: I mean not kind of, they sound unkind, and I'm

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Speaker 1: curious what the meaning is. So I think the first

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Speaker 1: thing I would consider here is what would happen if

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Speaker 1: you just addressed this in a way where you're asking

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Speaker 1: for clarity in the moment, or could even be a

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Speaker 1: little bit after the moment the next day, you ask

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Speaker 1: for clarity and instead of addressing the big, scary, huge

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Speaker 1: thing of the culination of these comments and all the

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Speaker 1: stories that you've made up, So this could almost be

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Speaker 1: like a baby step walking into it that might end

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Speaker 1: up being the only step you need to take. But

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Speaker 1: this feels like an easier way to walk into addressing

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Speaker 1: conflict for those who find conflict to be a nightmare. So,

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Speaker 1: for example, if your friend says, oh, haha, he wasn't

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Speaker 1: even the cute one, and I do realize that I'm

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Speaker 1: putting in some tone in there that might not have

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Speaker 1: been there, but that's how I'm reading it. Instead of

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Speaker 1: just going silent or ignoring her or any of the

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Speaker 1: things that you've done in the past, you could simply

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Speaker 1: just reply with, oh what do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: It's a very even tone. I'm just I'm curious. Oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean by that? And if the person

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Speaker 1: says something mean and spiteful and it sounds like sometimes

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Speaker 1: feels like these things are meaning spiteful, if that's what

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Speaker 1: this was, then what you're doing is that you're allowing

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Speaker 1: them to be held responsible for a comment that was

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Speaker 1: possibly inappropriate and they have to kind of walk themselves

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Speaker 1: out of it, versus you are putting a blanket on

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Speaker 1: the discomfort by you kind of like sucking it up

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Speaker 1: and just being silent and taking it. So you're allowing

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Speaker 1: them to be responsible for the things that they did, said, etc.

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Speaker 1: And then there's a space for you to make a

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Speaker 1: decision on what that means. If they respond and they're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he wasn't cute, Like the ugly guy asked you for

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Speaker 1: your number, I wouldn't be that excited. You get to

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Speaker 1: decide what you're going to do with that. But that's

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Speaker 1: a lot of information that might impact how you want

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Speaker 1: this person to show up in your life and how

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Speaker 1: you want to hold them as a friend. We can't

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Speaker 1: make people be really kind good friends if they are

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Speaker 1: not interested in doing that, or they don't have the

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Speaker 1: capacity to do that where they are right now in

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Speaker 1: their own lives. And on the other hand, if you

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Speaker 1: really if they realize that they said something that didn't mean,

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Speaker 1: then there's this opportunity for them to clarify or apologize.

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Speaker 1: So you say, oh, what do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: And then they say, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 1: That was not nice of me at all. Let me

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Speaker 1: start over. That's so exciting? Are you excited? What do

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Speaker 1: you think being curious about your situation versus putting this

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Speaker 1: on it before they even know how you feel. So

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Speaker 1: you also give them an opportunity to be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I made a mistake, and I think that can be

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Speaker 1: helpful for both of y'all. And like I said, this

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Speaker 1: is I think a helpful way to go about these things.

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Speaker 1: And it takes kind of the pressure off of you

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Speaker 1: appearing too dramatic and instead of you making this all

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Speaker 1: about your feelings, which it's allowed to be about your feelings,

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Speaker 1: but if that feels like too much, then you're allowing

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Speaker 1: this to just be about what this person said, and

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Speaker 1: you just are gaining some information before you maybe want

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Speaker 1: to take a next step or move forward, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's totally fair to say. And I've talked about

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Speaker 1: this before in the podcast, using that intentional dialogue of oh,

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Speaker 1: I felt blank when I heard you say blank, and

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Speaker 1: the story made up was blank. I'm curious if that's correct,

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Speaker 1: and I would like to talk about it. You can

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Speaker 1: totally take that approach. This I think is almost like

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Speaker 1: a baby step before that, and also something that can

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Speaker 1: just become part of your natural language, and it actually

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Speaker 1: has helped me become less a sumptuous is that a word?

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Speaker 1: So I don't have to create a meeting. I can

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Speaker 1: just ask for the meaning without giving any information that

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Speaker 1: I might not want to share with them yet. I

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Speaker 1: might not want to share with them how I feel

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Speaker 1: yet I might first want to know what they meant,

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Speaker 1: and then I can move forward with that. And if

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Speaker 1: you get a response that feels aggressive or passive aggressive,

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Speaker 1: you can also address that too. I am giving you,

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Speaker 1: like I said, the first step, a baby step, and

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Speaker 1: that might be a fear of like what happens if

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Speaker 1: they're just like say something mean anyway, okay, then you

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Speaker 1: can continue to ask, Okay, what do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: Or can you tell me more about that? And just

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Speaker 1: remain curious until you feel in a place where you're

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Speaker 1: regulated enough to share more if that's what you would

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Speaker 1: like to do. In places that feel scary, oftentimes we

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Speaker 1: get like an elevated heart rate, that anxiousness comes, and

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Speaker 1: we're focused on that feeling in all of the what ifs,

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Speaker 1: versus being present and really figuring out what it is

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Speaker 1: that we would like to do in the moment. And

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Speaker 1: so if that's something that happens to you, I would

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Speaker 1: just encourage you to take these conversations very slow. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to respond right away. You can take a

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Speaker 1: moment to think. You can say, oh, okay, I need

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Speaker 1: a second to think about that. You can say okay

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Speaker 1: and then come back later and finish that conversation. Allow

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Speaker 1: yourself to take these conversations slow. There's no rush there,

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Speaker 1: even if your body is telling you, oh, you got

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Speaker 1: to like fight or you got to run away. Let's

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Speaker 1: just say this person says you say, well, I'm curious

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Speaker 1: what you meant by that, and we're talking about that

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Speaker 1: guy still and they're like, oh, well he's ugly. That's

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Speaker 1: what I meant exactly what I said. She doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to say in that tone but if she says something

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Speaker 1: along those lines, take that in me, take a breath,

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Speaker 1: and you're allowed to just make a statement. Okay, I'm

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Speaker 1: actually really excited that he asks for my number, and

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Speaker 1: it's kind of a bummer that that comment felt necessary

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Speaker 1: for you to say in this moment. But I hear you.

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Speaker 1: You can say something just like that, or if you

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Speaker 1: would like to make a request, you can say something like, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: I hear you. I'm actually pretty excited that this guy

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Speaker 1: asked me for my number, and it's a bummer that

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Speaker 1: that comment felt necessary. In the future, I think I

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Speaker 1: need you to ask if I want feedback like that

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Speaker 1: before you offer it, because I kind of really wanted

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Speaker 1: you to celebrate in this with me at least for

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Speaker 1: a little bit. And you don't have to say anything else.

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Speaker 1: And then they can give a response and again, and

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Speaker 1: if they are giving mean responses, if they are continue

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Speaker 1: to be just like choppy and resentful or unkind, that's

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Speaker 1: information for you. If the person is like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I didn't even think about that. I'm so sorry. I

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Speaker 1: am excited for you. Okay, I'm going to be better

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Speaker 1: at this. Like, you don't have to rescue them. They're

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Speaker 1: allowed to feel bad, They're allowed to feel like guilt

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Speaker 1: because that's helping them stay within their moral compass and

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Speaker 1: their value system. Guilt is not a bad emotion to feel.

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Speaker 1: It's very helpful, and you can thank them for recognizing

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Speaker 1: that they did something that doesn't really fit with how

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Speaker 1: they want to be as a friend. If it does

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Speaker 1: fit with how they want to be as a friend,

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Speaker 1: then again it's information for you to decide how you

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Speaker 1: want to move on with that friendship and move forward

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Speaker 1: with that friendship. Because we can't control people, and we

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Speaker 1: can't make them think, feel and do what we want

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Speaker 1: them to be, we can just decide how we want

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Speaker 1: to engage with certain people who are showing up as

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Speaker 1: they are able in our lives. So the last thing

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Speaker 1: I'll say that if this is a past that you

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Speaker 1: do and you do sweep things under their rug, there's

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Speaker 1: probably an assumption that you're not going to say anything

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Speaker 1: to this person, or that the things that they say

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Speaker 1: maybe don't feel as heavy or just tough that they're

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Speaker 1: actually coming off to be. So bringing that to their

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Speaker 1: attention could actually be really helpful to that person, not

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Speaker 1: only for them to recognize that maybe they don't have

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Speaker 1: awareness of the weight that their words are carrying lately

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Speaker 1: or bringing it to their attention that there are ways

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Speaker 1: that they can show up as a better friend for you.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's really helpful. I find that to

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Speaker 1: be helpful, even when it is uncomfortable. If somebody's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: when you do this, dah da da da, I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: my gosh, thank you for telling me. I want to

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Speaker 1: be able to show up as a really good friend

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Speaker 1: for you. And if there are ways that I can

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Speaker 1: improve and they feel doable, I would like to do that.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of ways you can approach this. This

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Speaker 1: is just one way, and yeah, I hate that you're

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Speaker 1: having to hear some things that just at times definitely

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Speaker 1: feel unnecessary. Hopefully this is helpful and hopefully hopefully this

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Speaker 1: can help some of y'all handle some other things in

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Speaker 1: your life too. And again, really don't have to make

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Speaker 1: this a sit down conversation, come to Jesus kind of thing. Hey,

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Speaker 1: what did you mean by that? I'm curious. So that

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Speaker 1: is going to do it for us today. If you

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Speaker 1: guys have any questions, feedback, comments, you can send them

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Speaker 1: to me Katherine at You Need Therapy Podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: If you would like to follow me or the podcast

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Speaker 1: or my therapy practice, you can do that as well

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Speaker 1: at Kat dot defada, at You Need Therapy podcast, and

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Speaker 1: at Three Chords Therapy. If you have not rated and

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Speaker 1: reviewed the podcast before on Spotify or Apple or wherever

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Speaker 1: you're listening to it, please do that. That is so

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Speaker 1: helpful and meaningful for me. So I'm going to go

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Speaker 1: ahead and said thank you in advance for those of

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Speaker 1: you who are about to go do that. We'll be

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Speaker 1: back on Monday for another new episode of You Need Therapy.

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Speaker 1: Until then, I hope you guys are having the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have people to paper