Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Washington, d C has been buzzing,
Speaker 1: and not just because of Joe Biden's new extensions, although
Speaker 1: they do look fly. No, I'm talking about the January
Speaker 1: six hearings, which have now officially kicked off. So let's
Speaker 1: catch up on all the latest news. You know, different
Speaker 1: people have different ideas about what happened on January six.
Speaker 1: You know, for many people, it was the day right
Speaker 1: wing fanatics attacked America's democracy. For Trump supporters, it was
Speaker 1: a field trip where they got to meet their friends
Speaker 1: from the internet. But now the committee says that it
Speaker 1: can prove that January six wasn't just a spontaneous riot
Speaker 1: by an angry mob. It was the climax of a long,
Speaker 1: coordinated plot by Donald Trump, which I don't know about you.
Speaker 1: For me is shocking, no, because I didn't think Trump
Speaker 1: could coordinate anything in advance. The man can even plan
Speaker 1: where a sentence should end, like I didn't think that
Speaker 1: would happen. According to the Committee, Trump planned to overthrow
Speaker 1: the election because he knew that he had lost. And
Speaker 1: the reason that we know he knew that he had
Speaker 1: lost is because now everyone around him is spilling the
Speaker 1: beans The committee relied on some of those closest to
Speaker 1: Donald Trump to make its case, his once loyal Attorney general,
Speaker 1: who told investigators Trump's claims of a stolen election were bunk.
Speaker 1: I told him that the stuff that his people were
Speaker 1: shuttling out to the public were bullets bullshit. I mean
Speaker 1: that the claims of fraud were bullshit. I thought, boy,
Speaker 1: if he really believes this stuff, he has you know,
Speaker 1: lost contact with with He's become detached from reality and
Speaker 1: the president's own daughter and senior advisor. I hate respect
Speaker 1: Attorney General barn Um, so I accepted what he sent
Speaker 1: was saying. Hours after the hearing, Trump put out a
Speaker 1: statement saying his daughter quote had long since checked out
Speaker 1: and was only trying to be respectful to Bill Barr.
Speaker 1: Wait wait wait, wait wait, I'm sorry Ivanka checked out?
Speaker 1: When was she checked in? Because for four years it
Speaker 1: looked like she was just walking around trying to find
Speaker 1: her desk? When was she checked in? Checked out? Of?
Speaker 1: What this is? Like? A machine gun? Kelly said he
Speaker 1: was no longer pursuing a PhD in nuclear physics. When
Speaker 1: was that even happening? Was that a thing? But yeah,
Speaker 1: Trump's in a circle was well aware that the election
Speaker 1: did not go their way, and they told Trump except
Speaker 1: for one person who had the liquid courage to say
Speaker 1: that Trump did win. President Trump rejected the advice of
Speaker 1: his campaign experts on election night and instead followed the
Speaker 1: course recommended by an apparently inebriated Rudy Giuliani to just
Speaker 1: claim he won and insists that the vote counting stop.
Speaker 1: There anyone in that conversation who, in your observation, had
Speaker 1: had too much to drink. Uh Giuliani in the mirror,
Speaker 1: was definitely intoxicated. Yeah, According to this former Trump aid,
Speaker 1: Rudy Giuliani was wasted on election night when he told
Speaker 1: Trump that the election was stolen from him. And I'm
Speaker 1: just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani
Speaker 1: is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk,
Speaker 1: they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot.
Speaker 1: So how does that work with Rudy? Doesn't work in reverse?
Speaker 1: Like does he start talking normally his head that sucks
Speaker 1: back into his hair. How does this work? And you know,
Speaker 1: it actually says a lot about Trump that the whole
Speaker 1: team of sober advises, his attorney general, his campaign manager,
Speaker 1: his his daughter, who he wants to bang. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: haven't forgotten. They were all telling him you lost this election, sir.
Speaker 1: But then Trump was like, yeah, yeah, whatever, drunk vampire,
Speaker 1: what do you think? You know, when you think about it,
Speaker 1: actually makes sense that Trump would listen to a drunk person,
Speaker 1: because that's the one time people probably sound like him.
Speaker 1: You know, He's just like, what do you guys think?
Speaker 1: What should do? I'll tell you what I think we
Speaker 1: should do. Wow, there's something about this guy. He totally
Speaker 1: gets it. You'll get it. I get it, you get
Speaker 1: you get it. So the January six Committee says that
Speaker 1: Trump started plotting months before the actual event, months before,
Speaker 1: and their proof that he got what he wanted is
Speaker 1: that he didn't try to stop the riot once it started. No,
Speaker 1: he can't get on the phone with the Defense Department
Speaker 1: or calling the National Guard. It turns out it was
Speaker 1: actually Mike Pence who did that. Yeah, Mike Pence was
Speaker 1: basically the president for a few hours, which is why
Speaker 1: we have that law now banning water for being too spicy.
Speaker 1: And it would have been bad enough if Trump did nothing,
Speaker 1: but instead he actively riled up the crowd even more.
Speaker 1: In one piece I've never before seen video of the attack,
Speaker 1: a rioter is shown reading Trump's tweet criticizing as vice
Speaker 1: president even as the capital was breached, and how it
Speaker 1: turned to the crowd against Mike pants inaccurate they were
Speaker 1: after previously to Yeah, not only did Trump not try
Speaker 1: to stop the riot, but while it was happening, he
Speaker 1: was tweeting out statements that were riling up the mob,
Speaker 1: which is not something you expect from a president. You know,
Speaker 1: That's something you expect from a guy on the edge
Speaker 1: of a waffle house fights. It's like, yeah, that's right,
Speaker 1: he stole your fries. He should beat his burned the
Speaker 1: whole store down. Yeah, I'll take your order in a second.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get this fight going. Come on.
Speaker 1: It was whild that guy was reading the tweets standing
Speaker 1: there in the insurrection. He's like, he has a message
Speaker 1: from Trump right now. You know. It would have been funny, though,
Speaker 1: is if that wasn't the only Trump tweet that got
Speaker 1: into the crowd to get them going. Robert Pattinson should
Speaker 1: not take back Kristin Stewart. She cheated on him like
Speaker 1: a dog and we'll do it again. Sorry losers and haters,
Speaker 1: but my I Q is one of the highest and
Speaker 1: you all know it. Sorry, folks, I'm just not a
Speaker 1: fan of sharks, and don't worry, they will be around
Speaker 1: long after we are gone. Those riots has killed every
Speaker 1: shock that day. So the hearings showed Trump's team told
Speaker 1: him that he lost. He didn't do anything to stop
Speaker 1: the riots, and he actively added fields to the fire
Speaker 1: while the Capitol Building was being swamped. But today they
Speaker 1: released one of the most damning pieces of evidence proving
Speaker 1: Trump knew his election fraud claims were fake, which is
Speaker 1: that when he asked his supports is to donate money
Speaker 1: so that he could fight the fraud in court, he
Speaker 1: just took the money and ran. Listen to what one
Speaker 1: of their senior investigators, Amanda Wick, said about what they
Speaker 1: discovered about the way Trump and his associates raised money.
Speaker 1: The claims that the election was stolen were so successful,
Speaker 1: President Trump and his allies raised two hundred fifty million
Speaker 1: dollars nearly a hundred million dollars in the first week
Speaker 1: after the election. On November nine, President Trump created a
Speaker 1: separate entity called the Save America Pack. Most of the
Speaker 1: money raised went to this newly created pack, not to
Speaker 1: election related litigation. And what's important about this victor. It's
Speaker 1: not just that they were peddling the big lie through
Speaker 1: these emails fundraising solicitations. They also weren't using that money
Speaker 1: for the purpose of trying to truly find election fraud
Speaker 1: or fight these court battles. That's evidence of fraud. The
Speaker 1: next question is does the Department of Justice do anything
Speaker 1: with it? Wait, what Donald Trump conned his supporters fetis
Speaker 1: so predictable. But how are you shocked by this? I mean,
Speaker 1: the man is consistent if nothing else. Honestly, if you
Speaker 1: got tricked by Trump scamming you, maybe your money deserves
Speaker 1: a better home. And yes, I'm victim blaming. I don't care.
Speaker 1: I will say. What impressed me about this whole thing
Speaker 1: was how fast it was this time the second election ended.
Speaker 1: Trump didn't wait around, he knew it was over, and
Speaker 1: then he just went full on Nigerian Prince. Yeah, just
Speaker 1: jumped in like his whole scam sounded like it was
Speaker 1: an email. He's like, all, my friend, I am the
Speaker 1: president of a very powerful country. Suddenly I am in
Speaker 1: need of money to set my people. Don't it today
Speaker 1: and your money will be used for their great fights.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not so I can go to dinner with
Speaker 1: kid Rock. Huh Sun dam only please sounded not all
Speaker 1: of them. More so, that's what we've learned from the
Speaker 1: January six Committee hearing so far. There is plenty more
Speaker 1: to come, and we will keep you updated on all
Speaker 1: the news from this investigation. Yeah, from now up until
Speaker 1: the moment that Donald J. Trump is put behind boss.
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, I'm kidding, you know that is going to
Speaker 1: be present again. This is America, the stock markets, you know,
Speaker 1: the app that they pre installed on your phone to
Speaker 1: make you feel dumb. Since the stock market recovered from
Speaker 1: the COVID tumble in, Wall Street has been having a blast,
Speaker 1: and the more stocks you owned, the better time you
Speaker 1: were having, which is why Warren Bufett has got those
Speaker 1: new grills. But over the last year, inflation has been rising,
Speaker 1: the Federal Reserve has been raising interest rates to cool
Speaker 1: the economy down, and now it looks like the good
Speaker 1: times in the stock market might be officially over all.
Speaker 1: Eyes on Wall Street once again this morning was yesterday,
Speaker 1: the stocks plummeted, pushing the SNB officially too bear market territory.
Speaker 1: The Dow Jones industrials now six lower for the year,
Speaker 1: the tech and biotech, the nastack down year to date,
Speaker 1: and the broader SMP index common in Americans portfolios sliding
Speaker 1: into bear market territory down this year. Real money that
Speaker 1: Americans have s to one day retire, pay for kids, college,
Speaker 1: or a new house. The advice from most financial experts,
Speaker 1: despite the high stress and the anxiety, don't panic. There's
Speaker 1: no need to panic. The truth of the matter is,
Speaker 1: don't panic. Sorry, what did they say? I was too
Speaker 1: busy chugging that a comic large bottle of xan X.
Speaker 1: I'm not panic, by the way, I'm just addictas of pills.
Speaker 1: But yes, people, these are scary times for stocks because
Speaker 1: we are now officially in a bare market, which is
Speaker 1: when people are so broke they have to be low.
Speaker 1: Paddington in the parking lots. Oh heavens, heavens, Oh heavens. Obviously,
Speaker 1: I'm joking, joking. Paddington doesn't have a penis a band market.
Speaker 1: It's basically when the SMP has dropped from its previous high,
Speaker 1: which for many can be very stressful. Yeah, right now,
Speaker 1: everyone who's looking at the eight trade account it feels
Speaker 1: like the same way you look when you know when
Speaker 1: you're looking at your ex's wedding photos on Instagram, just like,
Speaker 1: why why do I keep looking? Why? Why am he'd
Speaker 1: like my mistake? No? I liked it? Now I have
Speaker 1: to government. I wish you all that bears that. But
Speaker 1: even if you don't own stocks, a bad market is
Speaker 1: often a signal that a recession might be coming, and
Speaker 1: that affects everybody. The economy slows down, unemployment goes up,
Speaker 1: Africans become presidents, and your mom starts buying the generic
Speaker 1: cereals with the knockoff mascots. Yeah, Terry the Tiger says
Speaker 1: they're adequate. And by the way, it's not just the
Speaker 1: stock market that's falling right now. Yeah, crypto is crashing
Speaker 1: even harder, with bitcoin plummeting six from its high, which
Speaker 1: I find really interesting because for like the past ten years,
Speaker 1: every single crypto bro I've met has told me that
Speaker 1: crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed. You
Speaker 1: heard them, they were everywhere. Crypto people would act like
Speaker 1: you were the crazy one for not investing your life
Speaker 1: savings into a coin some Swedish teenager invented last week.
Speaker 1: Oh you're not in doggee monkey coin? What a loser.
Speaker 1: You know what's even crazier is that the crypto crowd
Speaker 1: is blaming Biden for this. And look, you know, here's
Speaker 1: the here's the thing. You can blame a president for
Speaker 1: a lot of things, inflation, unemployment, not being able to
Speaker 1: cheer for your son Brandon in a soccer game without
Speaker 1: it becoming a whole thing. But you wanna blame me
Speaker 1: for crypto. No, my man, If an eight year old
Speaker 1: man who doesn't even know what bitcoin is can crash
Speaker 1: your crypto, then your crypto ain't ship. I said it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know you're mad that your gender tower fell down,
Speaker 1: but that's what happens when you play gender because remember,
Speaker 1: like this is what they said to everybody. They said,
Speaker 1: old crypto is gonna save you from the market. That's
Speaker 1: what crypto is. It protects you. That made it seem
Speaker 1: like it was a parachute that would protect us all
Speaker 1: from the economy. And then now the plane is crashing,
Speaker 1: and then it turns out the parachute is attached to
Speaker 1: the plane. He's like, what is this, It's all going down.
Speaker 1: Let's move on from that bad economic news to some
Speaker 1: other bad economic news. For two years now, we have
Speaker 1: seen the global supply chain crisis impact everything from computers
Speaker 1: to cause to baby formula. And by the way, why
Speaker 1: is there never a supply chain shortage of bad stuff?
Speaker 1: You know, it's never a shortage of like racist Halloween costumes,
Speaker 1: But how will I get cansuled now? But the latest
Speaker 1: shortage is hitting even closer to home, like as close
Speaker 1: as you can get now to the latest shortage to
Speaker 1: hit our nation's store, tampons. Women are scrambling to find
Speaker 1: the products as shelves are increasingly becoming there. It's the
Speaker 1: latest of the supply chain issues to have a disproportionate
Speaker 1: impact on women. The makers of Tampax and playtax say
Speaker 1: there's high demand and low supply. It's reportedly stemming from
Speaker 1: a combination of factory staffing problems, transportation log jams, and
Speaker 1: the rising cost of raw materials like plastics. Companies like
Speaker 1: CBS and Target confirming they are experiencing lower inventory. Walgreens
Speaker 1: telling ABC News they will have stock, but there may
Speaker 1: only be certain brands available while they navigate the supply disruption,
Speaker 1: and prices for this essential item amy up nearly ten
Speaker 1: according to Bloomberg. That's right. The pandemic supply chain problems
Speaker 1: have now led to a tampon shortage, a massive tampon shortage.
Speaker 1: And before we panic, before we panic, I think we
Speaker 1: need to make sure that this whole thing wasn't just
Speaker 1: started by one dude's bullshit excuse for not picking up tampons.
Speaker 1: You know, it was just like, oh sorry, babe, I tried.
Speaker 1: But there's like a whole supply chain issue. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like economy stuff you wouldn't understand. Yeah, because look, this
Speaker 1: is actually a serious problem because without tampons, like what
Speaker 1: women dip into bowls of blue liquid? Yeah, I know
Speaker 1: how women's bodies work. I've seen it in the ads.
Speaker 1: I'm that guy. By the way, did you catch how
Speaker 1: they tried to blame the problem partly on women, where
Speaker 1: they're like, you to high demand? What does that mean? Someone?
Speaker 1: What is that YouTube high demand? Because isn't the demand
Speaker 1: always pretty much the same? What has changed? Like is
Speaker 1: there like some viral get your period challenge on TikTok
Speaker 1: right now? Future high demand here? And this absolutely sucks.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you know, this sucks for women. You guys
Speaker 1: don't have to go through this, but women do. It sucks.
Speaker 1: I will tell you who is probably loving it right
Speaker 1: now though, is that one forgotten tampon that's been sitting
Speaker 1: at the bottom of your bag for two years? Well, well, well, Lysia,
Speaker 1: I knew you'd come crawling back. You spent two years
Speaker 1: throwing TJ Max receipts. Chapstick and gum rappers are chapping
Speaker 1: me the look who's desperately digging around for me? Now
Speaker 1: that's right. You thought you were cool. Wait, come back,
Speaker 1: come back. I'm sorry, Please don't leave me. You have
Speaker 1: the pennies that don't mean to me, all right? Um?
Speaker 1: And finally tonight, um, I wanted to wish someone very
Speaker 1: special a happy birthday. Um. Actually, you guys can join
Speaker 1: me if you know my Happy birthday to you, Happy
Speaker 1: birthday to you, Happy birthday, President Donald Trump. It's t night,
Speaker 1: it's to night. You wished tom happy birthday. You wish
Speaker 1: to Mappy by all of you. Yeah, you made his
Speaker 1: day and you wished him a long life. He's here forever.
Speaker 1: You guys did that. Today's Donald Trump's seventy six birthday,
Speaker 1: But it turns out he can't hear you. You went louder. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is his birthday today, but it turns out the
Speaker 1: haters can't even give the poor man a day off
Speaker 1: because all week, all week long, the January six Committee
Speaker 1: has been writing his ask just because he tried to
Speaker 1: overthrow the governments, and now and now they're even accusing
Speaker 1: him a fraud just because he asked his supporters for
Speaker 1: money to set up an election defense fund and then
Speaker 1: didn't set up an election defense fund. And yeah, that
Speaker 1: looks bad, but people don't realize that some of the
Speaker 1: money went to really important causes. Investigators claim that President
Speaker 1: Trump raised over two fifty million dollars from supporters to
Speaker 1: fight election fraud claims, but then funneled the money to
Speaker 1: himself and his allies, including his son's fiancee, Kimberly Gilfoyle,
Speaker 1: who has paid sixty thou dollars for a two minute
Speaker 1: speech introducing Donald Trump Jr. At the January six rally.
Speaker 1: God damn Trump took some of the money that he
Speaker 1: said he was going to use to fight election fraud
Speaker 1: and paid his son's fiance sixty thousand dollars for a
Speaker 1: two minute introduction speech, which is such a scam. I
Speaker 1: don't care what anyone says. That's an even bigger scam
Speaker 1: than tai Chi. There I'm sorry, who are you going
Speaker 1: to fight an army of slow butterflies? What is this?
Speaker 1: What is this whore fighting? I will say, though, this
Speaker 1: does prove that Donald Trump is a proud feminist. Ally, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right, I said. It's everyone's always complaining that women
Speaker 1: get paid less for more work. But Trump, no, he's
Speaker 1: doing everything to close the wage gap. He paid Kimberly
Speaker 1: Gilfoil for two minutes of work, he paid Stormy Daniels
Speaker 1: for two minutes of work. Trump isn't breaking the law,
Speaker 1: He's breaking the glass ceiling. And in case you were
Speaker 1: wondering what a sixty dollar two minutes speech sounds like, well,
Speaker 1: taking listen to some of the highlights. Well, good morning
Speaker 1: d C, and good morning God, God loving freedom, loving
Speaker 1: liberty loving patriots that will not that. Then still there's
Speaker 1: a lotion. Thank you, Resident Trump, who says for law enforcement,
Speaker 1: for the constitution. And that's so the President when he
Speaker 1: comes home. That's me love and bless God, God, bless
Speaker 1: our resident, and ladies and gentlemen, the best is yet.
Speaker 1: Take time. Okay, okay, okay, no, no, no, now I
Speaker 1: understand I understand it. Now. She wasn't paid to speak
Speaker 1: for two minutes. She was paid to stop speaking off
Speaker 1: the two minutes. That's what happened there. I can't keep
Speaker 1: going long. God, no, no, here's your money. He's your money.
Speaker 1: Don't take the money. Take the money, take the money,
Speaker 1: take it all, take it all, take it all. Even
Speaker 1: the wind was like, why, let's be honest people, this
Speaker 1: was not a sixty dollar speech. I don't care which
Speaker 1: side you're on. No good speech ends with Don Junior
Speaker 1: coming out. That's not a good speech. And you know,
Speaker 1: once again, as much as people want to be angry
Speaker 1: at Donald Trump, I feel like this is one of
Speaker 1: those instances where he is the black light on America's
Speaker 1: democracy because you see, he didn't invent this scam. Politicians
Speaker 1: from every party use their campaign funds to enrich their friends.
Speaker 1: It's just that Trump does it so egregiously that everyone
Speaker 1: notices it. All. Politicians like, oh, donatus for the fund,
Speaker 1: it's for this, but no one looks at where the
Speaker 1: money goes. Yeah, it's it's just something you pay attention
Speaker 1: to because of how he doesn't. It's the same way
Speaker 1: all of us have eaten a grape or two at
Speaker 1: the grocery store. But Trump's the guy who walks into
Speaker 1: Whole Foods with a forking knife. You know, it's like,
Speaker 1: you guys have that best raw chickens. So good, so good.
Speaker 1: The mid terms, as you probably know right now in America,
Speaker 1: primary season is in full swing, and the primaries are
Speaker 1: the elections before the elections that determine what's going to
Speaker 1: happen in the elections before the main election. Anyway, last
Speaker 1: night four states held their primary elections, and it was
Speaker 1: actually a good night's for Donald Jaberwaukee Trump. You see,
Speaker 1: in South Carolina, one of the few Republican congressmen who
Speaker 1: voted to impeach Trump lost badly after Trump campaigned hard
Speaker 1: against him. Yeah, and that's the weird thing about Trump.
Speaker 1: He might not remember how to speak English, but he'll
Speaker 1: never forget anyone who's done him wrong. And he's probably
Speaker 1: got like a revenge spreadsheet four hundred rows deep, just
Speaker 1: sitting there on the computer, like insered row format enemy formula.
Speaker 1: Mike pants equal is not good, Prince. Meanwhile, in Nevada
Speaker 1: an election, Denia won the Republican nomination for Secretary of States, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, is the office that certifies the election. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and while that's not great for democracy, it is fantastic
Speaker 1: news for Donald Trump, because you see, if this guy
Speaker 1: gets the job, that's like having your boy as your
Speaker 1: parole officer. You know. It's like, no, no, don't worry,
Speaker 1: mat alp and mccup. We can't have you going away. Man.
Speaker 1: We got a party on Friday. The only blemish on
Speaker 1: the night for Donald was that one of the candidates
Speaker 1: he endorsed in South Carolina lost, and boy was she sorry.
Speaker 1: Another South Carolina race gaining national attention is now decided.
Speaker 1: Representative Nancy Mace won the District one Republican primary against
Speaker 1: Trump endorsed candidate Katie Errington. Errington conceded, endorsing Mace and
Speaker 1: apologizing to former President Donald Trump and to Donald J. Trump, Sir,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I couldn't give you the birthday present that
Speaker 1: I wanted to give to you. But you will always
Speaker 1: be my number forty five, my number forty six. You
Speaker 1: know what, Hi, I don't know why anyone would think
Speaker 1: Trump supporters are a cult. It's just a normal woman
Speaker 1: apologizing to Trump for losing her election on his birthday.
Speaker 1: It's not a cult. This is a very normal thing.
Speaker 1: Please forgive me, dear leader. So normal, so normal. By
Speaker 1: the way, what was all that about? You always be
Speaker 1: my number forty five and my number forty six, because
Speaker 1: because I I get what she said, but like, I
Speaker 1: know Trump was the president. But if she saying that
Speaker 1: he's still the president, because then he wouldn't be president,
Speaker 1: he'd still be president. That's confusing. And if I'm confused,
Speaker 1: you best believe Donald Trump is really confused. Best believe
Speaker 1: he's probably probably watching that speech, like, wait, so I'm
Speaker 1: Joe Biden. What a twist? I should call him night
Speaker 1: chamna Land. But let's move on to some international news
Speaker 1: coming out of the United Kingdom. America's a stranged Father.
Speaker 1: Like many countries around the world, the UK has been
Speaker 1: dealing with an influx of refugees over the past few years,
Speaker 1: and usually usually when a refugee flees their country, they
Speaker 1: have the right to apply to any nation in the
Speaker 1: world to take them in. But recently, in response to
Speaker 1: the large number of requests, the UK announced that they've
Speaker 1: struck a deal with the East African nation of Rwanda
Speaker 1: to take the refugees that we're trying to stay in
Speaker 1: the UK. Yeah, so, in a way, they did the
Speaker 1: geopolitical version of when your crush says no, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but you should totally date my friend. And now, obviously
Speaker 1: this arrangement has ruffled a few feathers, and before the
Speaker 1: UK could deport its first plane full of refugees, the
Speaker 1: European Court canceled the flights. The first flight of a
Speaker 1: controversial deportation plan by the UK was grounded at the
Speaker 1: eleventh hour. The plane was on the tarmac, it's engines
Speaker 1: had started, and the cabin crew was seen boarding when
Speaker 1: the European Court of Human Rights intervened. Under the controversial
Speaker 1: government plan, anyone who arrived in Brittany legally in this
Speaker 1: year could be relocated to Rwanda, and once in Rwanda
Speaker 1: they'll be allowed to apply for asylum there, but not
Speaker 1: in Britain. Prime Minister Boris Johnson said it is about
Speaker 1: halting human trafficking. We have to interrupt the business model
Speaker 1: of the gags. Human rights groups and church leaders have
Speaker 1: criticized the plan as immoral. It's a tough story, yeah,
Speaker 1: because usually when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite
Speaker 1: position is the right one. Yeah. That's why his hair
Speaker 1: is always like wherever he goes, I'm going the other way.
Speaker 1: But if I'm being honest. If you ignore Boris, the
Speaker 1: argument does make sense. Many gangs, smugglers and human traffickers
Speaker 1: have started abusing the refugee crisis to make money off
Speaker 1: of desperate migrants. Right, and so by doing this, people
Speaker 1: who are genuinely trying to escape a war zone, they
Speaker 1: have a safe country to go to. But now the
Speaker 1: smugglers don't have a business anymore. Yeah, because no one's
Speaker 1: gonna pay you to smuggle them into Rwanda. Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 1: If the UK wants its immigrants to leave, don't deport them.
Speaker 1: Just let them marry into the royal family and eventually
Speaker 1: they'll leave on their own. Long they get something, they
Speaker 1: get out. And can I just say, as an African,
Speaker 1: As an African, I take a little bit of offense
Speaker 1: when human rights groups in Europe say you cannot send
Speaker 1: the refugees to Africa. Those are human beings and who
Speaker 1: lives in Africa get the fat out of here? Man?
Speaker 1: What does that mean? You know? I let me tell
Speaker 1: you something. I know. I know some parts of Africa
Speaker 1: have it tough, but we've also got cities, we've got WiFi.
Speaker 1: You know, we've also got racist right people, you guys
Speaker 1: left them behind acting like we don't got ship. Some
Speaker 1: of these Europeans think the only hotel in Rwanda is
Speaker 1: the Hotel Rwanda. Actually they've got a Radisson Radisson Blue.
Speaker 1: By the way, there's a waffle ba and everything. This
Speaker 1: is the problem. There's the problem when there's only one
Speaker 1: well known movie that takes place in your country. You
Speaker 1: know it's all the people go on. It's like judging
Speaker 1: France based on Rattatui. Not all the restaurants are run
Speaker 1: by rats. Because here Rwanda was trying to do something
Speaker 1: nice and then now they have to hear everyone talks
Speaker 1: ship about them. Imagine if you offer to donate a
Speaker 1: kidney to someone and that person was like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: thank you, I'm going to see if there's a more
Speaker 1: developed kidney. We're like, man, go pee blood than bitch.
Speaker 1: Let's move on to some other news. What do you
Speaker 1: get when the worlds of fashion, history and celebrity collide. Well,
Speaker 1: if you guessed Winston Churchill wearing kature at the Top
Speaker 1: Gime premiere, you're wrong, But that was a good guess. No,
Speaker 1: the big controversy that's blowing up the Internet right now
Speaker 1: is what Kim Kardashian did with Marilyn Monroe's dress, well,
Speaker 1: one of the most iconic gowns in American fashion, may
Speaker 1: now be damaged. A Marilyn Monroe collector is making the
Speaker 1: claim after Kim Kardashian wore a dress belonging to Monroe
Speaker 1: to the met Galla last month. The collector says that
Speaker 1: there are missing crystals and several rips along the zipper
Speaker 1: on a wore the dress while singing Happy Birthday to
Speaker 1: President Kennedy in two There's no comment yet from Kardashian
Speaker 1: or Ripley's believe it or not who lent the dres
Speaker 1: still Kardashian, You know, sometimes I feel bad for Kim
Speaker 1: Kardashian when she doesn't wear clothes, people are angry. When
Speaker 1: she does wear clothes, people are angry. What's a lady
Speaker 1: to do? But at the same time, Kim, what were
Speaker 1: you doing? The Marilyn Monroe dress is a one of
Speaker 1: a kind piece of American history, a right, it's one
Speaker 1: of the kind. That's it. The Medgala happens every year.
Speaker 1: People dressed like hamburgers there. You could have worn anything else,
Speaker 1: because if you're entrusted with the piece of American history,
Speaker 1: you've better do everything you can to take care of it. Everything.
Speaker 1: I mean. Just as an example, I recently bought the
Speaker 1: stove pipe hat that was worn by Abraham Lincoln. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and the reason I bought it is because it's the
Speaker 1: perfect Nato ball. It's like, holds it really well, keeps
Speaker 1: it in a nice hight, you know. But you see
Speaker 1: what you see When I'm done eating nachos out of it,
Speaker 1: I always make sure it's to rinse it out afterwards,
Speaker 1: because that's being respectful. Yeah, the man freed the slaves.
Speaker 1: Come on, y'all. So look, Kim obviously took a big
Speaker 1: risk with a delicate arts effect and a backfired. But
Speaker 1: you know deserves most of the blame here. Ripley's. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're the ones who loaned the dress to Kim. And
Speaker 1: first of all, why does Ripley's believe it or not
Speaker 1: even own this dress in the first place. A woman
Speaker 1: wore a dress, Yeah, I believe that. I think I
Speaker 1: could wrap my head around that concept. But because Ripley's
Speaker 1: owns the dress, they're in charge of preserving it. So
Speaker 1: if they told her it was okay to wear it,
Speaker 1: that's on them, you know what I'm saying, It's on them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like I don't know. I don't know about all the
Speaker 1: museum rules, what you can use, what you can't do
Speaker 1: with historical arts facts. I don't know any of that stuff.
Speaker 1: I only learned it from the story. Like if the
Speaker 1: Louve called me and they said I could kiss the
Speaker 1: Mona Lisa for a selfie, I would do it and
Speaker 1: I would use tongue. So, look, a lot of people
Speaker 1: are at faults here, A lot of people made mistakes
Speaker 1: to make up for it. I think Ripley should have
Speaker 1: to sell the dress to a real museum that'll actually
Speaker 1: look after it properly. And Kim Kardashian, well, she has
Speaker 1: to show up to next year's met Gala wearing some
Speaker 1: of the other historic items from the Ripley's collection. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she still pulls it off. I don't know how she
Speaker 1: does it all right. And finally, like many tech companies
Speaker 1: who are writing high during the pandemic, Netflix is now
Speaker 1: no longer having a good time. They share price has dropped,
Speaker 1: they lost two hundred thousand subscribers, and it turns out
Speaker 1: the new comedy special they bought from Dave Chappelle was
Speaker 1: actually cake. So other than laying off employees, and raising prices.
Speaker 1: Netflix has to figure out another way to convince us
Speaker 1: to come back and chill, and so that's why they've
Speaker 1: decided to pin their hopes on a tried and true franchise.
Speaker 1: This morning, Netflix says it is turning its smash hit
Speaker 1: Squid Game into a reality show competition series. Netflix released
Speaker 1: a promo announcing casting for Squid Game that challenge. The
Speaker 1: new show is set to offer the largest cast prize
Speaker 1: in reality TV history, a whopping four point five six
Speaker 1: million dollars. Squid Game is, of course, a South Korean
Speaker 1: series on Netflix. The reality show is looking for English
Speaker 1: language speakers from any part of the world. Netflix has
Speaker 1: not announced how they planned to adapt the game, where
Speaker 1: contestants competed a series of schoolyard games. Wait wait wait
Speaker 1: what wait wait wait wait? No, no no, no. If you're
Speaker 1: gonna make Squid Game and nobody dies, then what's the point.
Speaker 1: So now I'm just watching people play Red Light, Green
Speaker 1: Light and Tug of War? What am I a camp counselor? Shoot,
Speaker 1: I didn't even watch the kids when I was camp counselor,
Speaker 1: and don't worry, most of them didn't drown. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying this show was already about a game show, so
Speaker 1: you don't need to make a game show about it.
Speaker 1: You know, if you want to do this, you should
Speaker 1: take like a normal Netflix show and turn that into
Speaker 1: a game show that makes most It's like Stranger Things. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you could put a bunch of contestants in the high
Speaker 1: school and see how long it takes until someone notices
Speaker 1: they actually twenty five years old. Either way, I'm just
Speaker 1: saying they're going to find something more interesting than cutting
Speaker 1: out cookies. Yeah, you know what they should do. One
Speaker 1: of the challenges should be you have to try to
Speaker 1: find the good shows on Netflix. And let me tell
Speaker 1: you know, half the people are dying in that game.
Speaker 1: They're just like which menu, Which menu. The Food and
Speaker 1: Drug Administration has been given the green light to finally
Speaker 1: approve COVID vaccines for children under the age of five,
Speaker 1: which means there are a lot of toddlers who are
Speaker 1: about to be popping apple juice in the club. It's
Speaker 1: just like I gotta diaper. I'm got well down night, bitches.
Speaker 1: And this is also very good news for herschel Walker,
Speaker 1: because statistically, one out of every five kids in America
Speaker 1: is secretly his no. But for real, for real. This
Speaker 1: is great news for parents of young children, because while
Speaker 1: the rest of us, you know, got vaccines and went
Speaker 1: back to normal, a lot of parents were stuck in
Speaker 1: pandemic mode with their unvaccinated kids. Yeah, they were just
Speaker 1: staring out the window and everyone else having fun, and
Speaker 1: it was just like, Oh, they're going to the movies again.
Speaker 1: I should have used the condom. Now. Of course, if
Speaker 1: you're not a parent, this is the worst news ever.
Speaker 1: Because I don't know about you guys, but I've definitely
Speaker 1: noticed that over the past two years. You know, I
Speaker 1: haven't heard any kids throwing tantrums in the supermarkets. There's
Speaker 1: been no toddlers kicking my seat in the movie theater,
Speaker 1: and there were basically no children screaming on airplanes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: only those crazy Trump supporters didn't want to wear masks.
Speaker 1: What Yeah, when my mommy. But just because COVID is
Speaker 1: on the back foot right now, it doesn't mean it's
Speaker 1: not still putting up a fight. Dr Anthony Faucci has
Speaker 1: tested positive for COVID they one year old Chief Medical
Speaker 1: Advice for President, but it is fully vaccinated double boosting.
Speaker 1: He is current like taking the anti viral treatment PACKSLOVID
Speaker 1: the one year old is only experiencing mild symptoms. We
Speaker 1: are told he has not been in close contact with
Speaker 1: the president and will now work from home. That's right,
Speaker 1: Dr Fauci has COVID, which feels a little like finding
Speaker 1: out smoky bag or trapped in the forest fire. It's like, damn,
Speaker 1: I'm actually I'm actually surprised that Fauci is only getting
Speaker 1: COVID now and didn't get it, didn't get it while
Speaker 1: he was like with Trump every day We'll think about
Speaker 1: every single day. Trump was like, Okay, COVID, jash Force,
Speaker 1: We're gonna kick off today's meeting by breathing in each
Speaker 1: other's mouths for tender fifteen minutes. Jes to get the
Speaker 1: energy flowing. Anthony, come here, Anthony, opened that beautiful mouth,
Speaker 1: open way, open up a way. And you know the
Speaker 1: saddest part, Dr Fauci, And yes, I'm talking to you,
Speaker 1: Dr Fauci. I know you watched the show. That's the
Speaker 1: fact that you didn't come to the White House Correspondance dinner. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the President was there, Kim Kardashian was there, but you
Speaker 1: didn't come because you said you didn't want to catch COVID.
Speaker 1: And then you called COVID anyway. Yeah, probably from some
Speaker 1: boring government meeting. And she. Let me tell you something, now, people,
Speaker 1: that's my philosophy in life. I'm vaccinated. So if I'm
Speaker 1: getting COVID, you best believe I'm doing it in style. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna get it from some bitch as PowerPoint presentation. No,
Speaker 1: people who lost me? Trevor, where did you get your COVID?
Speaker 1: And I'll be like, oh, that was one hell of
Speaker 1: a night. Oh damn fat believe. I will say, though,
Speaker 1: what a big moment for COVID as well. Huh to
Speaker 1: finally infect doctor Anthony Fauci. I bet COVID was really
Speaker 1: starstruck when it got in his body. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Oh my god. It's really you. It's
Speaker 1: really you. Wow. I'm so excited. I need to catch
Speaker 1: my breath. I need to catch my breath. Oh oh man,
Speaker 1: Dr foul jimm inside you. This is so crazy. Hold on,
Speaker 1: I gotta face time my boys. I gotta FaceTime my boys. Yo.
Speaker 1: Guess whose lungs I mad? I know, I know, and
Speaker 1: somehow I'm still taller than I'm This is crazy. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's move on from the pandemic in people's lungs to
Speaker 1: the pandemic in America's democracy. Today was the third day
Speaker 1: of the January six hearings a K A v H.
Speaker 1: One's Behind the Riots Now. This session focused predominantly on
Speaker 1: Mike Pence, former vice presidents, and the inspiration behind the
Speaker 1: white Noise machine, because you see, Trump's entire plan to
Speaker 1: overturn the election hinged on Mike Pence agreeing to break
Speaker 1: the law by not certifying the election results. And today
Speaker 1: we heard what might be the funniest recounting of the
Speaker 1: conversation that Trump actually had with Mike Pence where the
Speaker 1: Vice president would not agree to Trump's scheme no matter
Speaker 1: how hard the Donald tried. In the book Peril, journalist
Speaker 1: Bob Woodward and Robert Costa right that the President said, quote,
Speaker 1: if these people say you have the power, wouldn't you
Speaker 1: want to? The Vice president says, quote, I wouldn't want
Speaker 1: any one person to have that authority. The president responds,
Speaker 1: but wouldn't it almost be cool to have that power?
Speaker 1: Vice President is reported to have said, no. Look, I've
Speaker 1: read this and I don't see a way to do it.
Speaker 1: We've exhausted every option. I've done everything I could and
Speaker 1: then some to find a way around this. It's simply
Speaker 1: not possible. My interpretation is no, to which the President says, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you don't understand, Mike, you can do this. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be your friend anymore. If you don't do this,
Speaker 1: you oh man, you know this is this is the
Speaker 1: part of the paradox of Donald Trump. This is already
Speaker 1: the paradox, like he has the most terrifying schemes in
Speaker 1: the world, but he executes them in the most hilarious ways.
Speaker 1: Because Trump, basically he lives his entire life as if
Speaker 1: he's the bad kid in one of those anti smoking
Speaker 1: p s. As you know, it's like, come on, Mike,
Speaker 1: just try overturning the election. I thought you wanted to
Speaker 1: be cool. Also, by the way, if there's one person
Speaker 1: who you can't entice with cool, it's Mike Pants. He's
Speaker 1: the least cool man in the world. The man wouldn't
Speaker 1: even watch the Tenny Tubbies because they don't wear pants.
Speaker 1: And you know what's crazy about the story Because Trump
Speaker 1: said it like this. Because he said it like this,
Speaker 1: you actually believe that it's true. Right, Because if the
Speaker 1: reports are was that Pence said, sir, we cannot do this,
Speaker 1: and then Trump said, my interpretation of the Constitution offers
Speaker 1: ample precedent, both legal and historical. People be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's no way that happened. That didn't happen. That's not real.
Speaker 1: But I don't want to be a friend anymore. You're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's that's my due, that's my due right there.
Speaker 1: That sounds like yeah. Also find it crazy that Trump
Speaker 1: thought they were friends, not coworkers, not acquainted as friends.
Speaker 1: How how would that even be possible? What do Pence
Speaker 1: and Trump have to bond over? Huh? Just hanging out
Speaker 1: on the weekend, Like, thanks for bringing me to this club, Mike.
Speaker 1: The music is a little name, but the ladies are
Speaker 1: looking good. Mr President. It's church. Oh that's why it
Speaker 1: burned when I walked through the door. Turn leg, get it,
Speaker 1: turn leg, get it. All right, But let's move on
Speaker 1: to some international news. Here in America, global supply chain
Speaker 1: issues have caused short shuges of everything from tampons to
Speaker 1: baby formula and even PlayStation fives, which sucks not have
Speaker 1: to play Elden Ring in my head, Dad is a
Speaker 1: so hard. But it turns out the global supply chain
Speaker 1: also affects the globe and right now in Pakistan, the
Speaker 1: supply chain is coming for an integral part of their
Speaker 1: daily life. Pakistani tea drinkers remain divided a day after
Speaker 1: a government minister urged them to cut down on their
Speaker 1: daily hotbed bridge as the country struggles within economic crisis.
Speaker 1: Pakistan's Planning and Development ministers says it's getting increasingly expensive
Speaker 1: for the country to import tea as supplies outstripped demand.
Speaker 1: Tea is a hugely popular drink in the country of
Speaker 1: two hundred and twenty million people, and the government has
Speaker 1: to spend about six hundred billion dollars on tea imports
Speaker 1: every year. The average person in Pakistan is believed to
Speaker 1: drink out these three cups of tea a day, by
Speaker 1: the minister called for people to drink one or two
Speaker 1: cups less per day, sparkling outrage. I knew it, I
Speaker 1: knew this should have happened. Yeah, people have been running
Speaker 1: around spinning the tea for the past few years and
Speaker 1: now look because a shortage. Are you happy, shade room?
Speaker 1: Are you happy? By the way? I love how they
Speaker 1: mix the tea. The rest of us do t boring
Speaker 1: We're just like they're like wow, wow, wow. And I
Speaker 1: know people can get outraged about anything, but I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna lie. It is kind of funny to hear a
Speaker 1: story about anyone getting outraged over tea. No, because you
Speaker 1: always think of tea drinkers. It's very calm, tranquil people,
Speaker 1: you know. But here they're like, you can take my
Speaker 1: own grade out of my calas. It's so it's a
Speaker 1: whild It's like seeing Tom Hanks dropping the F bomb.
Speaker 1: I mean that's where you know you shop, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. But when you understand how popular tea
Speaker 1: is in Pakistan, it makes sense, right. All of the
Speaker 1: outrage makes sense. This is part of their nat identity.
Speaker 1: It's like asking France to cut out croissants or North
Speaker 1: Korea to stop launching missiles at dolphins. That's just what
Speaker 1: they do. And I don't know if Pakistan will give
Speaker 1: up tea. I mean, they wouldn't even give up bin Laden,
Speaker 1: you know. But too soon, I will say this. Pakistan's
Speaker 1: government has to be careful about this. Yeah, Tea shortages
Speaker 1: are no joke. Just look at America. You see what
Speaker 1: happens when your people get piste off about tea. At first,
Speaker 1: there's a tea party, then there's a revolution. Before you
Speaker 1: know it, there's a great depression. Then you're fighting Vietnam,
Speaker 1: no one can afford houses, and suddenly you're making a
Speaker 1: movie where Ryan Gosling is Bobby Don't do it. Fucking
Speaker 1: is done, all right, finally. Cities all over the world
Speaker 1: are always trying to find ways to encourage people not
Speaker 1: to litter. In Japan, they use collective shame. In Singapore,
Speaker 1: they'll just whip your ass. In New York, we've just
Speaker 1: made the entire city one big trash can, so technically
Speaker 1: it's not even possible to litter. But in Sweden they've
Speaker 1: come up with something that might be the most effective
Speaker 1: method yet, talking dirty in Sweden. Literally, a Swedish city
Speaker 1: has launched a campaign to encourage people to throw away
Speaker 1: their trash. Yeah, a couple of trash cans have been
Speaker 1: installed in our programmed to respond with seductive audio messages
Speaker 1: after somebody throws away their trash to see Staria m
Speaker 1: little mantim stillness on glt crumb. Well, I guess now
Speaker 1: we know what it's like when Oscar the Grouch gets
Speaker 1: his on. Did not see that coming? Just Just by
Speaker 1: the way, all the guys who are using that trash can,
Speaker 1: I hope you know that it's faking it right. That's
Speaker 1: probably dudes walking away thinking, oh, I throw good trash.
Speaker 1: No you don't, No, you don't. It's actually funny how
Speaker 1: stupid men are with such simple, stupid creatures. This would
Speaker 1: never work on women. On men, it works, yeah, like
Speaker 1: we can wear as many ties as we want, but
Speaker 1: we're just basically stupid animals responding to a mating call.
Speaker 1: You put a sexy woman's voice and you can literally
Speaker 1: get men to do anything. You realize we're being catfished
Speaker 1: by garbage cans, all right, and we can see that
Speaker 1: they're garbage cans. But then we hear that sexy voice
Speaker 1: and we're like, well, maybe not to mention. This is
Speaker 1: gonna undo a lot of parental lessons about littering. Some
Speaker 1: ten year old boy is gonna be like, Mommy, I'm
Speaker 1: going to throw away my empty cop and the moment
Speaker 1: will be like no, no, no, no, no no, no, no know,
Speaker 1: just throw it in the lake. Throw in the lake.
Speaker 1: It's better that way. You're not ready, and you know
Speaker 1: who this really isn't grateful as your trash can at
Speaker 1: home because when it finds out what you've been doing
Speaker 1: out there in the streets, Oh, it's gonna get super jealous. Well,
Speaker 1: you're home late, probably because you were out on the
Speaker 1: streets shoving your trash into that horror Again. You know
Speaker 1: that anyone can throw trash there, anyone. You're not special.
Speaker 1: I want a divorce and I'm taking the rotten banana fields.
Speaker 1: Whip me before we go. Please come. Sort of supporting
Speaker 1: out Youth, They're an organization that serves Central Texas l
Speaker 1: g B, t q I A Plus Youth and their
Speaker 1: allies with programs and services to ensure that these promising
Speaker 1: young people develop into happy, healthy What's the Daily Show
Speaker 1: weeknights and eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream
Speaker 1: full episodes any time on Paramount Plus. This has been
Speaker 1: a Comedy Central podcast