Speaker 1: I was gonna blow my brains out, but it was.
Speaker 1: It was raining. Welcome to confidential. I'm your whole stwit
Speaker 1: the most Eugene is s robbins Son. Okay, all right.
Speaker 1: So there's this guy. He's in a cage. He's what
Speaker 1: you know as a cage fighter, and he is kicking ass,
Speaker 1: you know, proverbial literal, figurative heavy measure of the way
Speaker 1: kicking ass after the first round. These for fights are
Speaker 1: typically broken down into three rounds. After the second round,
Speaker 1: something strange happened, something you don't expect act. He looks
Speaker 1: out at the audience. It looks back to the ref,
Speaker 1: looks at his opponent. The ref says fight. He says,
Speaker 1: open the gate. Refs is no, no, you're you're your
Speaker 1: head on points. What are you doing? What you can't
Speaker 1: he says, open the gate or all climb over the fence.
Speaker 1: They opened the gate. Man walks out through his teeming,
Speaker 1: screaming crowd, never to return. I asked him why, He said,
Speaker 1: I didn't come here for that. Flash forward to to
Speaker 1: a Tuesday, Tuesday in September. I'm finishing up Brazilian jiu
Speaker 1: jitsu and this guy walks into the academy is hanging
Speaker 1: around random chatter, and it's somebody dawns on me why
Speaker 1: he's there. He's hair very specifically to fight me. Now
Speaker 1: I'm rushing to work. I say, cool. Sure. Strip gets
Speaker 1: down to his shorts and we roll for about ten
Speaker 1: to twelve unscripted minutes, him, me alone, no one else
Speaker 1: in the school, locked door lights off. At the end
Speaker 1: of it, he turns him he and says, you know,
Speaker 1: I've got a soap company. Max More a guy who
Speaker 1: knows a little something about life. It may be a
Speaker 1: lot more than most of us about death. I actually
Speaker 1: really enjoyed being in combat. Yeah you heard that right,
Speaker 1: A combat medic who actually enjoyed combat. Yeah. I look,
Speaker 1: I'll just let him tell it. You know, the Marine
Speaker 1: Corps are our stormtroopers, right, and they go in and
Speaker 1: they kicking the doors are the worst places that we
Speaker 1: can come up with. Well, when they get shot or
Speaker 1: blown up, the core men as the guy who goes
Speaker 1: in and picks him up. And that was my that
Speaker 1: was my job. The day I took my licensing exam
Speaker 1: uh to be a medic was September eleven, when the
Speaker 1: when the towers fell. This justin you were looking at
Speaker 1: obviously a very disturbing live shot there. That is the
Speaker 1: World Trade Center, and we have unconfirmed reports this morning
Speaker 1: that a plane has crashed into one of the towers
Speaker 1: of the World Trade Center. As as a corman, you'll
Speaker 1: you'll usually do three tours in the field and then
Speaker 1: you'll do one tour back in a hospital. They want
Speaker 1: you to keep your medical skills relevant and fresh, you know.
Speaker 1: And uh, and so I got assigned to the ICU
Speaker 1: in Germany at Launched Tool Hospital. It's this um. It's
Speaker 1: the biggest American hospital outside of the United States. It's
Speaker 1: a massive facility, and it's where when guys get shot
Speaker 1: and blown up, they get they get stabilized in the
Speaker 1: field and then they take a flight to Germany where
Speaker 1: they are reevaluated and made sure they're stable enough they
Speaker 1: can make the big trip back to Texas or elsewhere
Speaker 1: in the US. I was working there after having been
Speaker 1: in you know, multiple combat deployments, and I got assigned
Speaker 1: to working with guys who were you know, double triple
Speaker 1: sometimes amputees, blind, some guys that you know had lost
Speaker 1: their sex organs from explosions and um and that was
Speaker 1: that was actually the most nightmarish part for me was
Speaker 1: knowing as I was in that space that my next
Speaker 1: assignment was going to be Afghanistan, and so I was
Speaker 1: dealing with you know, guys who were you know, walking
Speaker 1: around on burnt up drumsticks for legs, you know, and
Speaker 1: like and seeing these guys who we're smarter and stronger
Speaker 1: and more put together than I was, and now they
Speaker 1: are a very different person after that incident. My PTSD
Speaker 1: was was mostly actually from that and I would I
Speaker 1: would have these these these nightmares that I would be,
Speaker 1: you know, next in the bed. I would keep my
Speaker 1: ship together as I was dealing with these patients because
Speaker 1: I didn't want to crumble in front of them. I
Speaker 1: worked night shifts. I'd get off in the morning, and
Speaker 1: I would get these um these moments as I'm brushing
Speaker 1: my teeth and looking at my own face in the mirror,
Speaker 1: where I would see it as if it was real
Speaker 1: that like my arm wasn't there or my leg wasn't there.
Speaker 1: In those moments, all I could think about was that
Speaker 1: I knew my next asidement was going to be Afghanistan,
Speaker 1: and uh, and I didn't know that I was going
Speaker 1: to make it back in one piece. I had a
Speaker 1: patient that really crumbled me. The next the next bit.
Speaker 1: It's hard. So if you're prone to have a hard
Speaker 1: time with hard, keep listening, because in the end you're
Speaker 1: just listening. Max lived it. I had a patient that
Speaker 1: really crumbled me. He was an explosive organs disposal guy,
Speaker 1: and then he was actually a Australian fellow. And he
Speaker 1: was working on a piece of ordinance and it blew
Speaker 1: up and blew both of his hands off at the elbows,
Speaker 1: and it also blew out his eyeballs, and and the
Speaker 1: strange thing was that outside of that, he was virtually unscathed.
Speaker 1: I mean, like you, I mean a little bit of
Speaker 1: bruising and pepper on his on some on the skin,
Speaker 1: but like nothing else. The morphing that we were giving
Speaker 1: him would cause him to have like an amnesia effect
Speaker 1: um through his sleep, and then he would wake up
Speaker 1: and he would forget that he had lost his arms
Speaker 1: and he had lost his eyes. Every day and he
Speaker 1: would wake up like trying to claw what he thought
Speaker 1: was something covering his eyes, but of course he can't
Speaker 1: reach his face because he has no arms. And then
Speaker 1: having to explain this man every fucking morning, Hey, it's Max.
Speaker 1: I'm still your corman. You've been here for a little while. Um,
Speaker 1: you know you're safe and your arms and your eyes
Speaker 1: are gone. Every morning he would have he would just
Speaker 1: have this crushing defeat and I'd get him up and
Speaker 1: i'd you know, walk him around in the room to
Speaker 1: get him to get him mobile, and he would be joking.
Speaker 1: He'd be joking and and and and he'd be talking,
Speaker 1: you know. Uh, he'd be he'd be asked me if
Speaker 1: my dick is still okay, because that's all it really matters.
Speaker 1: And I tell him it was, and we would have
Speaker 1: and we would laugh about it and it would be
Speaker 1: funny and uh, and I put him back into the bed,
Speaker 1: and at the end of my shift, I would be crumbled, thinking,
Speaker 1: there's no way I'm as hard as that motherfucker. There's
Speaker 1: no way I'd have that sense of humor. And I
Speaker 1: just did not believe that I had it in me
Speaker 1: to be as strong as he was. And knowing that
Speaker 1: I was gonna have to go back to Afghanistan and
Speaker 1: put myself in the position of this person who was
Speaker 1: stronger than me on my best day, I just, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: that was That was where my PTSD came from. It
Speaker 1: wasn't patrolling, you know, on on a mission. It wasn't
Speaker 1: seeing guys get blown up in the field. I was
Speaker 1: used to that I had something I could do there,
Speaker 1: you know. But for me, that that waiting time between
Speaker 1: my hospital assignment and finally getting to get off the
Speaker 1: plane in Afghanistan, that was the hardest part of my life.
Speaker 1: It's the waiting that's the fucking terrible part. It's like,
Speaker 1: once you're in it, once you're in it, you're just
Speaker 1: sucking in it. You're just responding, reacting, you're flowing, You're
Speaker 1: doing you know how to do, and you know that
Speaker 1: you're well trained to do it. It's the waiting that
Speaker 1: caused me to nightmares, and that's what really I think
Speaker 1: sort of fractured my mind. Stitch Fix is an online
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Speaker 1: slash oh a Zy. I was thinking about the transition
Speaker 1: from from Afghanistan back to l A. How are things?
Speaker 1: How are things right at back? Wasn't strange? Or was it?
Speaker 1: I think I was? I don't think I know is.
Speaker 1: I was in denial about a lot of the mental
Speaker 1: scaring that happened to me in Germany, and I figured, well,
Speaker 1: I'll just tough it out. I'll just I'll just keep
Speaker 1: baring it and it'll it'll eventually subside, you know, And
Speaker 1: it really didn't. And Uh, I was self medicating with
Speaker 1: booze and uh and that was not helping at all.
Speaker 1: It was strange, and it was really hard to relate. Actually,
Speaker 1: you know, it was really hard to relate because you're
Speaker 1: surrounded by a community there that's sort of all encompassing everybody.
Speaker 1: You know, it's military and uh and and all that.
Speaker 1: And then you get out and you're running buy you know, um,
Speaker 1: privileged to college kids who who um who you know,
Speaker 1: God bless them. They just they just don't know any better.
Speaker 1: And I had more in common with the professors than
Speaker 1: I had with the students. It was intoxicating how free
Speaker 1: you can, you know, I was, and how I can
Speaker 1: I can write my own own orders, I can do
Speaker 1: what I want. Um. But it was also really hard
Speaker 1: not having that constant brotherhood, that constant management, for lack
Speaker 1: of a better way to say it, um, and having
Speaker 1: a clear purpose and having confidence in in in your leadership.
Speaker 1: I really missed all of that a lot. Actually I
Speaker 1: still do. I still do, you know. Um, it's like
Speaker 1: leaving a family behind. I'd spent so much time getting
Speaker 1: really used to my own mortality that I wasn't even
Speaker 1: sure if I was even alive. I thought, what if
Speaker 1: my perspective is all just my imagination sharing what if
Speaker 1: I am actually a comatose patient in the hospital bed
Speaker 1: and this is all just some extrapolated dream and I'm
Speaker 1: not even really here. I was totally dissociated from my
Speaker 1: own life, you know. And and that was and that
Speaker 1: was how I was sort of that was my normal,
Speaker 1: that was my walking around. You have to really accept
Speaker 1: your um mortality in order to be effective on the battlefield,
Speaker 1: you know. And and I accepted it so much that
Speaker 1: it was more comfortable for me to be dead than
Speaker 1: it was to be alive. My father was was long distant,
Speaker 1: he was living back in Tennessee, out of communication with us,
Speaker 1: and uh suffering his own mental uh, his own mental troubles,
Speaker 1: his own mental problems. And I got news that my
Speaker 1: mother had passed. She had a heart attack. And before
Speaker 1: I could even uh really get my head around that,
Speaker 1: her house burnt down. Her house burnt down after she died,
Speaker 1: My family's home burnt down. I have a sister who
Speaker 1: has a drug issue, and her tweaker boyfriend come at
Speaker 1: arson on the house, and uh and and away it went.
Speaker 1: And so I came home to burying my mom and
Speaker 1: rebuilding this house. So I had three sisters looking at
Speaker 1: me to fix this, you know, in the midst of
Speaker 1: you know, sort of burying my mom and seeing this
Speaker 1: burnt town house, I was, I was really ready to
Speaker 1: put my forty five in my mouth and just blow
Speaker 1: my brains out. I was just exhausted. I was already
Speaker 1: I was already exhausted. And then I felt like um
Speaker 1: by note and I was exhausted from ship that I
Speaker 1: had chosen to do. And on some hand, I I
Speaker 1: could take responsibility for that, and I could, I could
Speaker 1: manage that in my own way. But then having to
Speaker 1: take responsibility for burying my mom, you know, being the
Speaker 1: leader of this family through this tragedy, and then rebuilding
Speaker 1: a house that was just it was just more than
Speaker 1: I could bear, really, And uh, I remember I was
Speaker 1: I was gonna blow my brains out, but it was
Speaker 1: it was raining. So I'm gonna let that sit with you.
Speaker 1: What do you think about that for a second. And
Speaker 1: while you're thinking I'm gonna be chattering, I'm gonna chat
Speaker 1: a specifically, I want to go back even further because
Speaker 1: how I met Max is super compelling. I get a
Speaker 1: call from a friend in Los Angeles, Marcy. Marcy says
Speaker 1: to me, Hey, Hey, listen, there's this guy that I
Speaker 1: think you should meet. She gives me the rebop about
Speaker 1: the cage fighting, which is enough. She goes, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: And he's also a former kind of punk rock guys
Speaker 1: and skateboarding, you know, stuff that you kind of like.
Speaker 1: I go, yeah, okay, Well what's he done? She goes, Also,
Speaker 1: he's a nice Jewish boy. So imagine my surprise first
Speaker 1: time I meet him when he shows up and he's
Speaker 1: African American. It never came up. I guess it wouldn't have.
Speaker 1: But mother's Jewish, his father's African American, and he grew
Speaker 1: up in the Deep South. Yeah, so I put my
Speaker 1: pistol away and and I did, and I said it,
Speaker 1: I'll just do it tomorrow. And the v A told me, look,
Speaker 1: you know you're drinking too much, you're fighting too much.
Speaker 1: You need you need a hobby. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: I like to Well, I and I know how to
Speaker 1: make soap, and they said, we'll go do that. Was
Speaker 1: where are you from. I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee, and I
Speaker 1: have a family in Gatlinburg as well. In Tennessee. People
Speaker 1: in the Hills Country, people can survive. Man Like, I
Speaker 1: don't think I ever saw my mother or father call
Speaker 1: out for like like a mechanic or a plumber or
Speaker 1: an electrician or a painter. Ever, they never hired out anybody.
Speaker 1: They just figured it out. You know. So, um, very
Speaker 1: very d d I y people and very self sufficient
Speaker 1: people and uh and so among other things. Um, you
Speaker 1: know everything from moonshine to soap. Yeah, I can. I
Speaker 1: can make those things. I mean I knew how to
Speaker 1: grow weed and make soap by the time I was
Speaker 1: in I don't know, the third grade. So it was
Speaker 1: like a family activity. It's a family activity. I have
Speaker 1: a Milton Poor process cooking my soap down, poured into molds.
Speaker 1: I mixed mine with oats, milk, alow, coconut oil, and
Speaker 1: coconut flakes essential oils. Put it into molds, chop it up,
Speaker 1: wrap it up in plastic, put stickers on it for labels,
Speaker 1: and uh and that's it. It's surprisingly simple. If you
Speaker 1: can tie your own shoes, you can make soap. So okay,
Speaker 1: so so at one point, so you're in l A
Speaker 1: said we make the soap, and um, uh did did
Speaker 1: this initially? How much did this help? Initially? It was everything?
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't hands with the Devil's work. Man.
Speaker 1: If if I don't have a tool or or or
Speaker 1: a project in my hands, I was just as likely
Speaker 1: you know, drinking and fighting, you know, so like it was,
Speaker 1: it was. It was really really good for me. It
Speaker 1: helped me get past um a lot of addiction stuff.
Speaker 1: It helped me get past a lot of uh PTSD stuff,
Speaker 1: self pity stuff like having purpose is everything to me.
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Speaker 1: L A y A, and don't forget the follow asie
Speaker 1: Confidential once you're there. The military is an organization where
Speaker 1: everybody just decides to mentally get on the same sheet
Speaker 1: of music. At the same time. They decide to all
Speaker 1: pull on the same rope with the same intensity at
Speaker 1: the same time. And what that means is that you're
Speaker 1: gonna learn a lot, and like, if you can bear it,
Speaker 1: you're gonna learn more faster than you could possibly imagine.
Speaker 1: If it doesn't kill you or drive you completely crazy,
Speaker 1: you come away from it light years ahead of your competition.
Speaker 1: If you can bear it, then what is amazing is
Speaker 1: you're gonna get really intimate with your own mortality and
Speaker 1: kind of a Tibetan Book of the Dead kind of way.
Speaker 1: That's gonna mean you're gonna approach life with a kind
Speaker 1: of intensity that most people don't ever understand. The slogan
Speaker 1: for the company is don't be nasty, and I stole
Speaker 1: that that's a direct rip off from the Marine Corps.
Speaker 1: When and it's not just when your body is nasty,
Speaker 1: but like if your bed isn't made, or like if
Speaker 1: your rifle isn't oiled and cleaned, they'll say, oh, you
Speaker 1: don't don't be nasty, don't be nasty you and my
Speaker 1: mother used to say the same thing when I wouldn't
Speaker 1: wash my ass. Don't be nasty. But the the for me,
Speaker 1: part of the meditative centering process for me in in
Speaker 1: in in war Is, I would always find just a
Speaker 1: moment every day, if it was only a teacup worth
Speaker 1: of water, I would dab my handkerchief in it, and
Speaker 1: I would wash my ass with soap every fucking day,
Speaker 1: because I had this thing after being in Germany, where
Speaker 1: I was like, the last thing I want is to
Speaker 1: die smelling like feet, and the last thing I want
Speaker 1: is some guy to have to pick me up and
Speaker 1: put me on a litter and onto a helicopter, onto planes,
Speaker 1: and like, I'm wearing dirty, dirty, dirty underwear and I
Speaker 1: smell like balls. And so when I came home to
Speaker 1: the to the States and I saw, you know, veterans
Speaker 1: living on the street, living nasty, it it clicked for me.
Speaker 1: You know, I didn't I didn't know how else I
Speaker 1: could make a difference, but I did know that, like,
Speaker 1: I don't want people in America to have to be
Speaker 1: dirtier than I wasn't war. You know, I can't get
Speaker 1: everybody a fucking house, but like with a soap company,
Speaker 1: I can damn sure try to get everybody a shower.
Speaker 1: People think that like, um, I've moved quickly with this business,
Speaker 1: or people think that I've gotten a lot done, and
Speaker 1: and and and I always feel like I'm I'm behind
Speaker 1: because I'm all after seeing as much death and pain
Speaker 1: as I've gotten to see. Um, I feel in a
Speaker 1: rush to live a full and complete life without excuses.
Speaker 1: I feel in a rush to get as much done
Speaker 1: as I possibly can. That is the kind of intensity
Speaker 1: I was talking about that makes me feel like I'm
Speaker 1: I'm summoning and I'm I'm I'm passing by my competition.
Speaker 1: Um and it puts me and it puts me in
Speaker 1: a constant My competition really isn't even other people. It's
Speaker 1: it's the it's the lesser version of myself. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense, Yeah, it does. It's easy to make soap,
Speaker 1: it's hard to make a soap company. And in order
Speaker 1: for me to make a soap company, I'll just give
Speaker 1: you a little secret. I just copied terrorists, terrorists, and cartels,
Speaker 1: is what I did. I copied their business models. Terrorists
Speaker 1: and cartels. We have a tremendously hard time defeating them,
Speaker 1: and as an intelligent specialist, I'll tell you one of
Speaker 1: the biggest reasons is because they keep all their operations portable, scalable,
Speaker 1: and trainable. Right, So, if it's It's like the craft
Speaker 1: of making cocaine not very difficult, the craft of making
Speaker 1: explosives not very difficult. Uh. And if you can keep
Speaker 1: it scalable, and you can, it's already trainable, right. If
Speaker 1: you can keep it scalable and you can keep it portable,
Speaker 1: then it comes really hard to shut it down. So
Speaker 1: like a cartel can move a drug lab in the
Speaker 1: time it takes to pack a truck, a terrorist network
Speaker 1: can move a bomb making facility and the time it
Speaker 1: takes to pack a truck, you know. So like I
Speaker 1: wanted to apply what I learned about asymmetrical warfare as
Speaker 1: an intelligent specialist to my business. One of the little
Speaker 1: secrets I've been doing is I've been going all over
Speaker 1: the country and training veterans on what I'm doing. So
Speaker 1: I kept it really easy to make. I kept it
Speaker 1: really easy to move the factory anytime I feel like
Speaker 1: And um, and now I'm just going around and empowering
Speaker 1: to their veterans to make and sell this soap. No
Speaker 1: problems come back to me. They just they just have
Speaker 1: a job now and they can sell locally. I make
Speaker 1: my money on my online site anyway. And uh, and
Speaker 1: we're currently in talks to turn into a to a
Speaker 1: nonprofit and UM, and just keep on pushing UM to
Speaker 1: affect positive change in veteran joblessness. I'm trying to push
Speaker 1: this idea UM that like we can affect positive change.
Speaker 1: And that's and it just so happens. I make really
Speaker 1: good soap. I really didn't expect it, Eugene. I didn't
Speaker 1: expect for there to be this ground swell of interest
Speaker 1: and this ground swell of support. But it's happening. I
Speaker 1: have all this love and support in my life, and
Speaker 1: I'm able to affect all this love and support for
Speaker 1: other people. And I didn't blow my brains out, and
Speaker 1: I'm so happy. That was raining that day I was
Speaker 1: in India. Uh, this was gosh, three months ago, I guess. Now.
Speaker 1: I had this this experience where I had, you know,
Speaker 1: I had this traffic accident where I thought this baby
Speaker 1: had died and uh it turned out to be okay.
Speaker 1: And um, these these gangsters that I had made friends
Speaker 1: with sort of showed up to uh to bail me
Speaker 1: out of jail and paid off the bribes to get
Speaker 1: me out of there and then took me over to
Speaker 1: the mosque and and I I knelt down and prayed,
Speaker 1: and I just started, um crying out of happiness and
Speaker 1: gratitude that like, for all the ship that I'd seen
Speaker 1: that I've I'm in one piece at least physically, you know,
Speaker 1: and that like I've never had to I've never had
Speaker 1: to do anything that I really regret, and and like
Speaker 1: I find that to be mostly true in life. You know,
Speaker 1: is that is that you have this idea, this image
Speaker 1: in your head of what things are supposed to look like,
Speaker 1: and um, and it often doesn't really work out quite
Speaker 1: the way you think it will. But overall, I feel
Speaker 1: like it still does work out, at least for me.
Speaker 1: I've I've been really fortunate. I've gotten to do thunk,
Speaker 1: I've gotten to do everything I wanted to do in
Speaker 1: this life. I just feel really lucky that, um, that
Speaker 1: I am where I am, and all I want to
Speaker 1: do is just give back. You know, there's a part
Speaker 1: of me that just wants to run away, Eugene. There's
Speaker 1: a part of me just wants to fucking move to
Speaker 1: Bali and you know, uh, smoke weed until I can't
Speaker 1: see straight and just fucking be left alone. And then
Speaker 1: there's another part of me that feels like, um, I
Speaker 1: didn't have these experiences at a coincidence, you know, and
Speaker 1: and it's not an accident. And I feel like I owe,
Speaker 1: I owe what I've learned, and I owe to give
Speaker 1: back my My service doesn't stop because I'm out of uniform.
Speaker 1: My service stops when I'm sucking dead. Speaking of dead,
Speaker 1: you ever know those cats who like, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: took way too many of a certain drug, way too long,
Speaker 1: way too hard, pushed it as far as they could
Speaker 1: humanly go for no discernible reason. I have. It's me
Speaker 1: next up on Nazi Confidential, Me on Me. Ozzie Confidential
Speaker 1: is produced by who Else Make Eugene S. Robinson, an
Speaker 1: executive produced by Robert Coolers and this episode the sound designed,
Speaker 1: edited and mixed by Jamie Cohn and Nick Johnson. For
Speaker 1: more Ozzy Confidential, check us out on Ozzie dot Com.
Speaker 1: That's o z y dot com slash Confidential. We published
Speaker 1: editorial companion articles on Ozzie and the photos videos for
Speaker 1: every single store, so to check them out, go to
Speaker 1: ozzie dot com slash Confidential That's o z Y dot
Speaker 1: Calm slash Confidential and you can see behind the scene.
Speaker 1: You can learn more about the stories we tell and
Speaker 1: even become an official o S where you'll be kept
Speaker 1: uh in the note on all things Us the Advential
Speaker 1: and if you want to get in touch with us,
Speaker 1: learn more or just generally event get us up at
Speaker 1: confidential at ozi dot com. Will send over a T
Speaker 1: shirt if you did what you gotta say, good, bad,
Speaker 1: or ugly, or maybe we'll get too lazy to do
Speaker 1: any of that. Thanks this issue, this version. This edition
Speaker 1: go out to Natty Bumpo Tango in Cash and Little
Speaker 1: Debbie spin Wheels. Thanks