Speaker 1: You're listening to comedy Central, Texas.
Speaker 2: Where half a million residents were still without power today
Speaker 2: and more than two hundred thousand were without clean water
Speaker 2: because treatment plants are failing and pipes are bursting. Texans
Speaker 2: have been lighting up for clean water from public spigots,
Speaker 2: boiling their own, or even trying to melt snow. Yeah,
Speaker 2: melting snow for clean water. I mean, you know that
Speaker 2: the infrastructure is screwed when your best option for water
Speaker 2: is to mug a snowman. But the saddest part is
Speaker 2: that these people are the lucky ones, because it turns
Speaker 2: out one poor Texan had to travel eight hundred miles
Speaker 2: just to get heat, water, and electricity.
Speaker 3: Senator Ted Kruz he is now facing a whole lot
Speaker 3: of questions after he was spotted on a plane traveling
Speaker 3: to Cancun, Mexico, in the midst of this unfolding crisis
Speaker 3: in his home state of Texas.
Speaker 2: If you go on social media, you will see social
Speaker 2: media uses posting multiple pictures of the senator and his
Speaker 2: family in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight.
Speaker 2: Ted Cruse, No, man, you gotta be shitting me, dude.
Speaker 2: Your people are literally eating snow right now and you're
Speaker 2: jetting off to Cankoon. I'm not even mad that you
Speaker 2: were selfish. I'm mad that you were so stupid. How
Speaker 2: can you be in politics for ten years and still
Speaker 2: have no idea how bad this would make you? Look
Speaker 2: what were you thinking?
Speaker 4: I know my people are freezing and hungry right now,
Speaker 4: so what they need is a photo of my beach
Speaker 4: Bard because if they see me in a speedo, their
Speaker 4: eyes will burst into flames and the whole family can
Speaker 4: warm their hands over those flames.
Speaker 2: I mean, look, I get that Ted Cruise is tired.
Speaker 2: You know, the man deserves a break off to trying
Speaker 2: so hard to overthrow the government.
Speaker 5: But this is not the time.
Speaker 2: Ted, When your constituents said they need clean water, they
Speaker 2: didn't mean go find a wet T shirt contest in Cancoon.
Speaker 2: I mean seeing Ted Cruz skip town for the beach
Speaker 2: has been very frustrating for the people in Texas. But
Speaker 2: on the other hand, it has been really exciting for
Speaker 2: all the people in can Kuhn who got to meet
Speaker 2: him on the street. Wow, bro, I didn't know that
Speaker 2: Senor Frog was a real guy. That was awesome. And
Speaker 2: what's even worse is that when he got caught. Instead
Speaker 2: of owning up to it and apologizing, he acted like
Speaker 2: a total Ted Cruise breaking.
Speaker 6: Right now at update on the reports that Texas Senator
Speaker 6: Ted Cruse took a trip to can Kun as the
Speaker 6: state was dealing with massive power outages, something that had
Speaker 6: many of you upset online. The statement from Cruise saying,
Speaker 6: in part with school canceled for the week, our girls
Speaker 6: asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be
Speaker 6: a good dad, I flew down with them last night
Speaker 6: and am flying back this afternoon.
Speaker 2: Oh I see, we all got this thing wrong. Ted
Speaker 2: Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people, he was just chaperoning
Speaker 2: his girls on the flight to can Kun. So in
Speaker 2: some way this was like a reverse taken. I want
Speaker 2: you to know that I'm a man with absolutely no
Speaker 2: skills whatsoever, and I'm going to safely accompany my daughters
Speaker 2: on this trip. Seriously, Ted Cruz blaming his daughters for
Speaker 2: this is just gross. Being a good father means putting
Speaker 2: them on a bus, not throwing them under one lot.
Speaker 2: To be fair, maybe turn Cruise just doesn't know what
Speaker 2: a good dad is. I mean his dad killed JFK.
Speaker 5: Need to get away from it all, but only for
Speaker 5: like four hours. Then come to can Kun, the perfect
Speaker 5: vacation spot for your half day get away. Grab a
Speaker 5: taxi from the airport for the whole family, then grab
Speaker 5: a moped for when you have to speedback to the
Speaker 5: airport in shamee. Enjoy our beaches nightclubs and uh oh,
Speaker 5: your chief of staff is calling And with our new
Speaker 5: bad Optics package, you'll get same day round trip tickets,
Speaker 5: enough sunscreen to protect you for four minutes, and a
Speaker 5: pre written statement saying you were always planning to be
Speaker 5: in can Kun just for breakfast. Can Coon, what the
Speaker 5: fuck are you thinking?
Speaker 2: Let's talk about spring break. It's when college students go
Speaker 2: on vacation and get drunk, you know, to take a
Speaker 2: break from going to school and getting drunk. But now
Speaker 2: one of the most popular spring break destinations is feeling
Speaker 2: a little hungover.
Speaker 7: It's spring break in Miami Beach, where the party goes
Speaker 7: all night long, but Mayhem is putting a blackmesh on
Speaker 7: this year's festivities.
Speaker 8: This all out.
Speaker 9: Melee unfamed Ocean Drive, one of several brawls across Miami
Speaker 9: Beach in the day since spring break kicked off. Even
Speaker 9: the roads to the beach, overcome by bad behavior, these
Speaker 9: cars inching close enough for one driver to pour a
Speaker 9: drink for the passenger in the other vehicle.
Speaker 2: Okay, no, no, no, no no. I love a good party,
Speaker 2: but that is just wrong, all right? Also, what kind
Speaker 2: of people fight at the beach? Like the it's the
Speaker 2: most relaxing place on earth. Yeah, even when I try
Speaker 2: to start a fight on the beach, it ends up
Speaker 2: being fun. Like one time, right, there's some gown the
Speaker 2: beach and I bumped into him and then he was
Speaker 2: like what the heuse a splash water on him, Then
Speaker 2: he splashed water on me, and then I threw a
Speaker 2: beach ball at him. Then he bounces back, and we've
Speaker 2: been married for ten years.
Speaker 10: It's a.
Speaker 5: Meet cutes.
Speaker 2: But it turns out Miami really does have a beach
Speaker 2: violence problem, and luckily their police are on top of it.
Speaker 11: Miami Beach policee bringing the beads to the beach. They're
Speaker 11: literally joining the party, refurbishing an old Miami Beach lifeguard
Speaker 11: tower and turning it into DJ Central with a Miami
Speaker 11: Beach Police officer as DJ police, Hoping this party friendly
Speaker 11: approach will help make the crowds more mindful and keep
Speaker 11: things under control.
Speaker 9: Things were going relatively smoothly as cop DJ Christopher Mitchell
Speaker 9: gave out warnings while also working his turntables for the
Speaker 9: beach crowd.
Speaker 2: He gave out warnings through all DJing.
Speaker 1: Who's having a good time? Too much?
Speaker 5: Good time?
Speaker 2: What do you.
Speaker 9: Like?
Speaker 1: Police?
Speaker 2: DJs has to be the worst emotional roller coaster because
Speaker 2: every use in the world, when the cops show up,
Speaker 2: it's like a parties over by our manor It's like, dude, dude,
Speaker 2: the cops are here, party time. Every song is like
Speaker 2: this pour you know what you think about it? Police
Speaker 2: actually being DJs makes the most sense because cops are
Speaker 2: already the DJs of the road, right think about it.
Speaker 2: They just drive around with flashing lights, they wear reflective gear,
Speaker 2: giving out commands on the mic. Put your hands in
Speaker 2: the air, Put your hands in the air. Now, come on,
Speaker 2: get down, I.
Speaker 1: Said, drop the bat, drop the bat.
Speaker 2: Weird. Now we laugh at this, but the poor citizens
Speaker 2: of Miami are so upset, so upset that they held
Speaker 2: an emergency meeting on how to handle the chaos. And
Speaker 2: I know that they're being serious here, but it's kind
Speaker 2: of hard not to laugh even more.
Speaker 12: I think what we need to do is we may
Speaker 12: need to make it a lot less fun to be here.
Speaker 11: Unfortun people are smoking pot. You smell it up and
Speaker 11: down the street.
Speaker 13: There's motorcycles.
Speaker 5: There's half naked and fully naked women running around the streets.
Speaker 2: You know, I know they're all complaining, but it sounds
Speaker 2: like they're advertising how fun Miami is.
Speaker 13: Everywhere I look, there's motorcycles and naked women and the cocaine.
Speaker 13: Here is the good shit.
Speaker 2: It's so wild.
Speaker 13: When I moved here a week ago, I was twenty
Speaker 13: years old.
Speaker 2: But look, yes, if Miami wants to reduce spring break tourism,
Speaker 2: it's easy. They don't even have to lie. They just
Speaker 2: need to pick different things to emphasize about their city.
Speaker 2: So he had the Daily Show. We decided to help
Speaker 2: them by making them new tourism.
Speaker 10: Add Hey, kids think Iami Beach is all about fun
Speaker 10: and partying, Well, there's a whole other side of Miami
Speaker 10: you haven't seen, like mosquitoes, sunburn, jellyfish, and so many
Speaker 10: douchebags in ed hardy. You wish those jellyfishes on your eyes.
Speaker 10: Miami is in the center of it all, including climate change.
Speaker 10: So bring an umbrella. You want to see skin.
Speaker 13: We've got hotties.
Speaker 10: Ever see you guy's balls dip below his bathing suit.
Speaker 10: You will hear Miami Beach. You'll have more fun at home.
Speaker 5: It's Memorial Day weekend, which means summer is just about here,
Speaker 5: the time of year when my armpits begin to resemble
Speaker 5: that swamp planet where Yoda lives and people set off
Speaker 5: for fabulous vacations. But if you've got travel plans coming up,
Speaker 5: it's important to remember a few simple tips, which I'll
Speaker 5: give you in my brand new advice segment. Now that
Speaker 5: I think about that title, it's perfect. So let's talk
Speaker 5: about some of the mistakes people make on vacation and
Speaker 5: how you can do better. For instance, like these guys.
Speaker 8: Tonight, new video of two men damaging ancient rock formations
Speaker 8: here in the West.
Speaker 12: Two men seen damaging ancient rock formations in Nevada is
Speaker 12: Lake Meet National Recreation Area outside Las Vegas. The vandals
Speaker 12: not once but twice, knocking massive redstone boulders off a
Speaker 12: cliff last week at the popular Redstone Dunes trail. A
Speaker 12: young girl standing behind them screams out as the rocks
Speaker 12: come toppling down.
Speaker 5: Amazing the first time. These guys work out in their lives,
Speaker 5: and they do it by pushing over a million year
Speaker 5: old boulders. Hey, should we get a bowflex? No, let's
Speaker 5: just cup nature.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 5: Someone should go find these vandals, and it shouldn't be
Speaker 5: too hard. Just look for the guy whose daughter has
Speaker 5: a blurry face. There can't be too many of those.
Speaker 5: So here's just the tip. Next time you're in the desert,
Speaker 5: ask yourself, would Wiley E Coyote do this? Then do
Speaker 5: the opposite. Now, maybe you're thinking this doesn't apply to me.
Speaker 5: I'm more of a lie on the beach kind of gal. Well,
Speaker 5: guess what. There are plenty of ways you can mess
Speaker 5: things up too, like what happened to this lady.
Speaker 10: First up, don't be a fool and never mess with
Speaker 10: a raging bull. Shocking video shows a woman on a
Speaker 10: Mexican beach refusing to get away from the beast and
Speaker 10: pain a price.
Speaker 11: You're not doing a.
Speaker 5: Yeah, they tell you? Did you think let me speak
Speaker 5: to the manager? Would work on a giant bawl. They
Speaker 5: are the manager. But that's my toe bag. I have
Speaker 5: a bag of warm grapes in there, lady. Those are
Speaker 5: his warm grapes. Now just walk away, you know, and
Speaker 5: then for dinner you can have carne asada for revenge.
Speaker 5: So here's just the tip. Next time you go to
Speaker 5: the beach, pack a matador. Now here's a story. It
Speaker 5: reminds you that smart traveling begins when you're packing your suitcase.
Speaker 8: There's a flea for leniency this morning in the Turks
Speaker 8: and Caicos, another American tourist has been detained after security
Speaker 8: officials found live ammunition and their luggage. That's illegal in
Speaker 8: the Caribbean territory and carries a mandatory sentence of twelve
Speaker 8: years in prison. Right now, five Americans face those charges.
Speaker 8: None were carrying firearms, and all claim they didn't even
Speaker 8: know the bullets were there.
Speaker 5: Five people and none of them knew they had live
Speaker 5: ammunition and their suitcases. This is how gun crazy some
Speaker 5: Americans are. You know, some people going through their luggage
Speaker 5: find old hotel keys or sand from that beach trip.
Speaker 5: These guys are like, oh good, my spare bullets. But
Speaker 5: this one isn't entirely on the tourists. Okay, Turks and Caicos,
Speaker 5: I get think you're worried about rising gun violence on
Speaker 5: your island. But I don't think it's coming from Americans
Speaker 5: bringing in two bullets at a time. You know, bullets
Speaker 5: don't do anything without a gun, right, They're not running
Speaker 5: around your island like throwing bullets at people. So I
Speaker 5: think Turks and Caicos is being a little unreasonable. And
Speaker 5: if this were up to me, i'd have those Americans
Speaker 5: back in a second. It just takes one simple phone call. Hey, Turks, Hey,
Speaker 5: can you release the prisoners?
Speaker 2: Please? No?
Speaker 5: All right, let me talk to Keikos. But as it
Speaker 5: turns out, someone else is already on the case.
Speaker 7: Tonight, several members of Congress pleading for leniency for the
Speaker 7: five Americans facing twelve years behind bars in Turks and Caicos.
Speaker 7: A bypart is delegation of lawmakers going to the territory
Speaker 7: meeting with government officials urging light sentences instead.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 5: Nothing motivates bipartisanship like a free trip to Turks and Keiko.
Speaker 5: So here's just the tip. Okay, if you're gonna do
Speaker 5: something idiotic that gets you arrested, make sure it's on
Speaker 5: an island paradise your elected officials want to fly to. Yes,
Speaker 5: you'll still be in prison, but at least you can
Speaker 5: look through your bars at the congressman holding a surfboard waving, Hey,
Speaker 5: we're doing everything we can. Now watch me rip this
Speaker 5: double barrel flip side.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't you like to travel?
Speaker 14: You love tray in the forms vacation for perform.
Speaker 2: Oh that's a good question. Where would I like to
Speaker 2: travel for vacation or to perform? So I think one
Speaker 2: of the things I'm most excited about is being able
Speaker 2: to like It's like it was like a work vacation
Speaker 2: type thing that I always used to do. I was
Speaker 2: lucky enough to travel the world and I would I
Speaker 2: would almost find a little home in a place, and
Speaker 2: I would learn the culture. I would learn about the food,
Speaker 2: you know, how the people are, how they aren't. So
Speaker 2: it would be everything from riding bicycles across the Golden
Speaker 2: Gate Bridge all the way into some random neighborhood where
Speaker 2: they have amazing sushi, to you know, taking walks in
Speaker 2: like random parts of London that I've never been to,
Speaker 2: you know, in Asia, discovering new parts of Japan, whether
Speaker 2: it's in Kilt or whever. Like I missed doing that
Speaker 2: for my stand up and the way I always enjoyed
Speaker 2: it was weird, so I would always I would always
Speaker 2: enjoy the vacation, and then my stand up was like
Speaker 2: a book report for what I experienced. So so like
Speaker 2: I have, I have shows that only live in certain places.
Speaker 2: I have shows that are only in Japan and the
Speaker 2: jokes won't work anywhere else because they're only for Japan.
Speaker 2: There's jokes that are only for Dubai, there's jokes that
Speaker 2: are only for South Africa. There's show So now I'm
Speaker 2: excited to go everywhere. I think we've so my South
Speaker 2: African Tours has already been launched, and then we just
Speaker 2: launched the US dates, and then we're going to be
Speaker 2: announcing European dates, and then we're going to be announcing
Speaker 2: Asian dates as well. Then we're going to be announcing
Speaker 2: It will be like yeah, Asia, Australia, and then more
Speaker 2: dates in Africa, which is going to be exciting. I've
Speaker 2: never been to certain parts of Africa that I've always
Speaker 2: wanted to go to, so yeah, so I think actual
Speaker 2: places I would love to go to Vietnam, Yeah, I
Speaker 2: go to Vietnam. Well, I want to go Vietnam, the Philippines.
Speaker 2: I've been to India, but I want to do shows
Speaker 2: there now for the first time, so just do every
Speaker 2: because that's what everyone told me. In India. I was
Speaker 2: there and I was like, oh, I want to come back,
Speaker 2: and they were like, you need time. They're like, Trevor,
Speaker 2: don't come for two days, three days.
Speaker 4: You need time.
Speaker 2: In India, it was like, okay, I'll take time. Like
Speaker 2: how much time? They're like, how much time do you have?
Speaker 2: Like are we negotiating right now?
Speaker 1: What's happening?
Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for that. It's just
Speaker 2: every everywhere. Do you have any suggestions? I said, Vietnam,
Speaker 2: you can't suggest the place that I'm going to. You
Speaker 2: said it enthusiastically, like I didn't say it.
Speaker 1: You're like Vietnam.
Speaker 2: I didn't say Vietnam.
Speaker 1: We're on the same page, but it seems like we're not.
Speaker 2: And Eastern Eastern Island. I was in Eastern Ireland. I
Speaker 2: was like, no one's ever said it like that.
Speaker 10: It's like Eastern Ireland.
Speaker 13: Ah, yes, Trevor of Heartsive Ireland, nobody's ever been to before,
Speaker 13: A special power that nobody's ever been to.
Speaker 2: Okay, Easter Island, all right, all right, I'm gonna check
Speaker 2: it out. I will and Ireland. I'm gonna go back
Speaker 2: to Ireland. This is too much fun. The world is
Speaker 2: like you know, if you can't travel, travel, That's that's
Speaker 2: the way I see it. And I've you know, I
Speaker 2: was locked up like many of you were. We owe
Speaker 2: and then you know, now see, you see what's.
Speaker 13: Out there in the world.
Speaker 2: You know, get out on the bout and you know,
Speaker 2: taste the food and you know that experience tasting a
Speaker 2: new thing, being like, ah, this is disgusting, but I
Speaker 2: love the experience. I love the experience. That's my favorite
Speaker 2: thing about eating new food is realizing how much your
Speaker 2: tastes are conditioned in life. Everything you think you know
Speaker 2: as good or bad is or isn't just based on
Speaker 2: what you were taught, but you don't actually know. Do
Speaker 2: you get what I'm saying? So like, like I remember
Speaker 2: that was one of the craziest things that happened in
Speaker 2: Japan was breakfast is not what you think of if
Speaker 2: you've grown up in any country that's been colonized as Western.
Speaker 2: So like the eggs and the you know, the bacon,
Speaker 2: and you go like this is normal. Of course, you
Speaker 2: eat the skin of a pig in the morning and
Speaker 2: then in Japan, they're like, why would you do that?
Speaker 2: Here's here's some fish, and you're like.
Speaker 13: In the morning, who could eat fish in the morning?
Speaker 1: You people are crazy.
Speaker 2: Please crack open the child of a chicken for me
Speaker 2: so I can't begin my morning?
Speaker 1: Would you be so kind? So you people are weird?
Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm excited to do all of it.
Speaker 5: I I'm Michael Costa.
Speaker 14: Before the coronavirus, I had convinced Trevor to allow me
Speaker 14: to host a travel show through the Italian wine region.
Speaker 15: It was the.
Speaker 14: Perfect scene to allow me to go balls deep into a.
Speaker 4: Sea of merlo.
Speaker 2: But then we all lent to shit.
Speaker 5: So now I'm start taking you on a journey through
Speaker 5: my apartment.
Speaker 14: Welcome to the street.
Speaker 5: Apartment alarm Coat seventy nine, seventy eight.
Speaker 14: Come on. My apartment is a beautiful land of two
Speaker 14: bedrooms and one bathroom. World renowned for its natural light,
Speaker 14: its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which
Speaker 14: I can no longer visit. It was colonized in twenty
Speaker 14: seventeen after I was evicted from my previous homeland for,
Speaker 14: according to my parents, being thirty six. But despite their agism,
Speaker 14: I have moved on and now enjoyed this apartment immensely,
Speaker 14: especially it's culinary delights.
Speaker 5: Here in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three
Speaker 5: cereals to choose from, including Oat brand for when locals
Speaker 5: here are feeling a little irregular. When you're in the kitchen,
Speaker 5: sample the national drink of my apartment, home brewed Combucha,
Speaker 5: which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks.
Speaker 5: In the middle of this bustling market place is an
Speaker 5: ancient heating device.
Speaker 14: A word of caution to visitors, though, keep away unless
Speaker 14: you really know what you're doing.
Speaker 13: Whole.
Speaker 5: While you're here, be sure to visit the Michael Costa
Speaker 5: Museum of Art and Minor Accomplishments. Located on a neoclassical
Speaker 5: ikea dresser, it holds my many prize treasures like this
Speaker 5: autograph Regis Philbin Christmas CD and behold the crown jewel
Speaker 5: of the collection, a rare golden Emmy, although relentless critics
Speaker 5: like my wife point out that.
Speaker 14: It's a regional Emmy, but that's fine.
Speaker 5: She can tear down others so she feels better, even
Speaker 5: though it looks in weighs exactly the same as a
Speaker 5: real emmy six pounds twelve ounces. Who's county anyway? This
Speaker 5: apartment is also home to a world class wildlife preserve arrange.
Speaker 15: You're guided to her to take in these amazing animals
Speaker 15: like this exotic North American Havanese Minie Schnauzer rescue mix.
Speaker 5: Here we have.
Speaker 13: The pipe room.
Speaker 14: If you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out.
Speaker 14: Anytime you need to get to the pipes, you go here.
Speaker 1: I don't know what any of this stuff does.
Speaker 14: Let's move on.
Speaker 1: Here.
Speaker 10: We have a window.
Speaker 6: Where?
Speaker 2: Why are those kids playing outside?
Speaker 5: Hey kid? It's a global pandemic?
Speaker 2: Jesus Christ?
Speaker 5: Anybody who forced the rules anymore? When can I go outside?
Speaker 7: Outside?
Speaker 3: What day is it?
Speaker 5: Is there such thing as timing as time? Have I
Speaker 5: ever truly been alive?
Speaker 4: Oh? Way?
Speaker 7: Am I?
Speaker 5: Should I give myself to se?
Speaker 1: Did I leash?
Speaker 5: Is my dog? My master? My master?
Speaker 11: My master?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 14: I hope you enjoy the strange and wonderful land that
Speaker 14: is Michael Costa.
Speaker 5: Join me next week as we'll.
Speaker 14: Be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds, and odors of my
Speaker 14: building's hallway.
Speaker 5: Until then, I'm Michael Costa O A vioge.
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