WEBVTT - Other People's Onion 0:00:02.440 --> 0:00:05.280 I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 0:00:05.360 --> 0:00:08.400 fact that I was not always good at making my 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:12.720 relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:15.680 the same person. In other words, I have seen a 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:20.319 lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 0:00:20.360 --> 0:00:23.759 am here to share with you what I learned along 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:27.159 the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:31.320 the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:49.559 with iHeartRadio. I have a confession, and my confession is this, 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:57.800 I'm right and they're wrong. I am right and they 0:00:58.040 --> 0:01:05.600 are wrong always. Have you ever felt that way? Have 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:08.920 you ever felt that the person you are looking at 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:12.400 is just totally off their rocker because they can't see 0:01:12.440 --> 0:01:14.360 it the way you see it, They don't hear it 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:17.080 the way you hear it, And when you try to 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:24.680 impose your rightness upon them, they go into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:30.000 happens all the time in relationships. The way I think 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:33.560 about it is this, at the center of each of us, 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:37.440 there's a core. There's a thing. It's like an onion. 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:41.720 People think that it's the layers in the onion that 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:45.240 make the onion stink. Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:50.280 no no. It's that core all the way down deep 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:55.280 inside that makes your eyes run water when you cut 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:59.560 that onion open. And what we failed to realize is 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:06.680 every onion smells different. We just think the onion is 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:08.920 gonna make us cry and it's gonna smell back. No, 0:02:09.160 --> 0:02:13.280 every onion is different. In other words, what's in your 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:16.960 core is not the same as what's in somebody else's core. 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:22.639 And while your core makes you right, their core has 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:26.639 a totally different scent, which means they're gonna see it different, 0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:29.400 they're gonna feel it different, they're gonna hear it different. 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:35.959 Here's the thing. You've got to understand that everybody has 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:41.480 a right to their core. Even if their core makes 0:02:41.520 --> 0:02:46.480 you wrong, it's their core. And that's what my guests 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:51.040 and I are going to talk about today. Why your 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:56.440 core makes you right and their core makes them right. 0:02:57.320 --> 0:03:05.800 Take a listen. Greetings, Tamika, welcome to the art spot 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:09.840 and what is your relationship challenge, question issued dilemma today? 0:03:10.360 --> 0:03:13.320 Hi, Auntieyanva, you're my auntie. You just don't know it. 0:03:13.680 --> 0:03:14.200 Hi. 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.720 I've been following you since back in the Meantime book 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:19.720 one day my soldiers. 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:21.520 Over, but I just want to say thank you, thank you. 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:25.359 So I have a dealing with my brother. We're three 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:29.320 years apart. We've been very close. My mom recently died 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:33.880 two years ago July thirtieth, twenty twenty. Normally I'm the 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:37.120 black sheep of the family. My brother is kind of 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:40.760 like the golden child. It's always been like that, kind 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:43.080 of over that stuff, so it really doesn't matter. For 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:47.680 my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:50.080 was able to have an experience of actually having my 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:53.720 mom there, which having my daughter five years ago, almost 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:56.840 six a good years ago helped. My mom passed away 0:03:57.040 --> 0:04:01.080 during that time, it was very she got sick, two 0:04:01.080 --> 0:04:04.320 months in the hospital. My brother was beside me. He 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:06.840 really didn't help much. He had just moved back with 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:11.280 his family from New York. After she died a week later. 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:15.200 He basically flipped everything. And it was all my fault 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:19.039 of basically leaving him out. I assumed that he was 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:22.320 just kind of mourning a different way. Fast forward two 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:25.520 years now, we live in the same state, very close 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:29.279 together in Maryland, my husband and him. My husband tries 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:31.440 to be the middle person, but I'm to a point 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:35.880 now I'm tired. I'm done. I love my niece and nephew. 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:39.000 My daughter's a five month apart, I started a year apart. 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:41.719 My father's still being a picture. He's starting to see 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:44.359 my mom started to see before she died. But it 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:46.880 is what it is. They kind of created that person 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:50.800 right now. I'm trying to find peace. I want to 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:53.920 find peace. I want to find true freedom. It hurt 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:58.240 very bad, but I know that that relationship one day 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:03.880 come to something. Whatever that's un comes, but it hurts. 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:05.840 I know that he wants me to show that hurt. 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:08.039 I know he gets something good out of it. I 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.560 don't really like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:14.240 There are times when my my husband recently has been 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:17.560 invited to their house for a football party. I asked him, 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:20.320 my busband asked them where the wives and children invited. 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.640 My brother said, no, long story short, women and children 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:26.960 were there. My husband later talked to him about it 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:28.720 three different times. When my brother just said he didn't 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:30.400 know about it. He kind of lies about it, brushes 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:35.120 it over. I just auntie jalla. I'm just trying to 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:38.280 bind people with in myself because I know that people 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:41.400 like this will kind of happen throughout life, and I 0:05:41.520 --> 0:05:43.520 just want to be okay with him. 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:49.599 Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just a little confused. Yeah, 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.760 I heard you say. I'm close to my brother. I'm 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:57.120 in the black Sheep, He's the golden chot. Yes, And 0:05:58.120 --> 0:06:00.120 mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:01.039 Yes. 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:07.279 And now I'm still trying to figure out what happened 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:12.279 when the sheep and the golden child got together. What happened? 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:15.200 Well, I thought we were close. I mean I think 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:17.919 at one point we probably were. He had my face 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:21.719 tattooed on his arm years ago in his late teens, 0:06:22.200 --> 0:06:25.159 But there was still an underlining, like I was to say, 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:27.400 like you know, in high school and stuff, where like 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:29.320 I said, my brother he was the gold child. To me, 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:31.720 it was always the one with the issues. I was 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:34.200 the one that kind of wanted truth, and they kind 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:36.599 of pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:40.200 So I always ruffled their feathers still to this day 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.000 with my father's same thing. So I understand that I'm 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:48.480 very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned that 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:50.680 a lot of people do not like that about me. 0:06:53.040 --> 0:06:56.560 My mom he got to know me once my daughter 0:06:56.880 --> 0:06:59.039 was born, because she wanted to have relationship with my daughter. 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:00.840 A lot of times he or she would just cut 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:03.359 me off if I didn't like if she didn't like 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:05.839 what I said or didn't like that I did something. 0:07:06.360 --> 0:07:09.560 So when my daughter came in the picture, it got 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:11.920 to a point where we may had an issue, but 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.200 we were able to get through it. We were able 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:17.720 to speak our truth to send move past it. She 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:22.840 didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout the years, 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:24.760 I thought that I had this relationship with my brother, 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.080 But I'm starting to see when I look at myself 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:30.320 and look back, I never asked him of anything. I 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:32.480 just was being a big sister, always helping and being 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:37.320 there for him, covering him, protecting him. But I guess 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:40.560 somehow in the mix, I'm starting to see that maybe 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:42.840 this is how he really felt about me all along. 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:44.640 How does he feel about it? 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:51.480 I really don't know, because we oh, I know you 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:55.360 were gonna do that to me. My experience with him 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:59.520 it has been that he's he doesn't like it's just 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:02.080 like my we were raised, you know, it's kind of 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:05.400 like looked like the Cosby family, but behind closed doors 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:09.240 you know, Mika, you're the issue. You're the problem anything 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:12.320 if there's something between them too, I've become the problem 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:13.400 even if I'm not the problem. 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:16.560 Okay, so let me ask you this, What made you 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.320 the black sheep? Where did you get that from? Because 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:20.000 that's old. 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:24.480 It's I'm the. 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:26.200 Black sheep because. 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:30.559 Okay, I'm the black sheep because I like to really 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:32.800 speak truth. I wanted to get to the core of 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:39.240 an issue they like to keep on the surface. What else, 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:45.640 I'm the black sheep because I'm the black sheep because 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:50.600 Tmika doesn't know anythings. 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:53.199 So I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is that it? 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:56.720 Yes, Okay, they think they know me, but they really 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.760 don't really know me. And all I can say is 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:03.040 thing got that before my mom died, for those six 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:05.880 five years almost she was able to know me. She 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:09.200 was able to know who I was, and the relationship 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:12.160 became different. I really I hope I don't sound like 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:13.840 I'm the victim because I'm really not trying to play 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:14.439 a Vista the role. 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:16.679 But no, you're not the victim. You're the black sheep. 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:19.560 You're the black sheet. Now what makes him the golden child? 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:25.800 Because he's PJ that's his nickname, but he's PJ. He 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:30.360 whatever he says, it's golden. You know, like Taanika's been 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:33.320 working in marketing, communications and TV production for years, but 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:37.080 he comes in and he has done something in marketing 0:09:37.120 --> 0:09:40.360 as well, which is still good. But because it's him, Oh, 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:42.760 it seals the deal. It has gold on it, it 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:46.560 has its shimmered with gold. Whatever he says, it just 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:51.280 comes out to fruish and Tamika. He kind of ruffles 0:09:51.320 --> 0:09:53.880 out feathers. That makes us feel quite uncomfortable. 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:57.120 Is it possibly because he's the baby. 0:09:59.040 --> 0:10:02.040 It could see. Oh, I mean it definitely could be. 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:03.800 I would say, like in high school and stuff, it 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:06.240 was the same way. Like, for example, got to the 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:09.440 point where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:12.439 go to work, I had to pay him for gas money, 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:15.880 and he had a car and my car was down. 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:17.480 I'd pay my parents are gas meaning so it's kind 0:10:17.520 --> 0:10:19.600 of like I can't. It's kind of like they would 0:10:19.640 --> 0:10:21.280 do things for him, but they would not do it for. 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:24.840 Me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:27.120 your brother gas money. 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:29.480 You know. It's like it's kind of like, well, I 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:30.960 would have to do it for my parents. It's kind 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:34.160 of like him. It was different. They didn't have them 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:35.960 to shoot with him. For some reason. They gave him. 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:39.840 He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess. But for me, 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:43.200 I did not make them feel comfortable. I guess that's 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:44.560 how I would. I would definitely look at that. 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:47.880 Yeah, and because he's the baby. 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:49.880 And because that's because they saw themselves in him. So 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:53.280 they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah, 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:55.120 your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:57.480 would say that, your brother's like me, you're like your mother, 0:10:57.679 --> 0:11:00.360 You're like your father. I'm the one that they don't 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:03.880 really want. They see things in me that I guess 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:06.000 remind them of the other spousand. 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:13.160 You know, I was the one they didn't want. Wow, 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:20.080 that's deep, and that's in your heart. I'm the one 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:23.360 they didn't want. They wanted him, they don't want me. 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:25.640 Now he doesn't want me. 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:29.120 Kind of Yeah. I felt that once my mom died. 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:33.080 It was like the spirit of what I felt from 0:11:33.080 --> 0:11:37.760 my mom years ago, of sessoning God to to have 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:41.400 a mother relationship with her, and once I was able 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:49.120 to get it, God trunk. It's that feeling of not 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:50.400 being good enough. 0:11:51.040 --> 0:12:00.720 It's well, your mother raised him. So all of those 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:04.560 old ideas that she may have had about you, about 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:08.480 you being the black sheep ruffling the feathers, everything is 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:11.360 your fault. It's your job to fix it. Maybe she 0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:14.080 didn't get a chance to correct that in his hard 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:15.920 drive before she left him. 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:18.400 No, she didn't, and she saw it. Yeah. 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:21.520 Yeah, so that's where he's operating from. 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.600 I'm trying not to go back there in the test, 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:26.280 Panti Yama. 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:30.160 But that's where you live. Everything you said. You talk 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:32.559 to me about high school, you talk to me about 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.320 being a teenager. You didn't talk to me anything about 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:40.520 present day. You are in the past, and that's why 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:44.440 you're experiencing what you're experiencing, because you bring in the 0:12:44.480 --> 0:12:46.520 past with you into this current moment. 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:49.040 What I feel like every time I feel like I've 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:52.480 learned something or grown or for gay to another level 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:55.079 than life, she comes in and it takes me back, 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:57.200 like I felt like I was able to have a 0:12:57.320 --> 0:13:00.560 level of protection where I lived my life before I 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:02.520 had kids and before I got married. I lived my 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:04.800 life and I waited until thirtie years oldcause I wasn't 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:06.480 really sure up on the kids. I wasn't real struggling 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:08.320 to get married, and I feel like I had a 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:12.160 level of protection there. And then I get married and 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.840 then I have kids, and then it's like, I'm so 0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:18.040 family oriented that, you know, I want my family to 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.000 be connected, and so, you know where I didn't go 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.040 to the house that my father isn't today because I 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:25.080 was raised in it and to me, it didn't feel 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:27.560 like a home and bring back very bad memories. But 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:30.080 I was willing to look past that because I wanted 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.400 my children to have relationship with my father. You know, like, 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:36.120 I don't know. I think I had a decent life. 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:39.480 I think I was psychologically emotionally abused, and I think 0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:41.400 they did what they thought was best at the time. 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:45.880 But it seems like because of having these kids and 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:49.719 having a husband, it's opening up doors that I can 0:13:49.760 --> 0:13:53.439 no longer control, and it's making me so vulnerable and 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:55.600 bringing back things that I thought that I had handled, 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:57.360 but now I have to handle on a different level. 0:13:57.360 --> 0:13:59.160 And I don't know what to do. And I just 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:01.000 want peace with them myself because I know that I 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:02.400 can't control no one else but meat. 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:09.400 Huh, take a breath. We'll talk more about it when 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:19.200 we come back, Welcome back, I am I'm learing this 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.320 is the r spot. Do you cook? 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:23.040 Yes? 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:25.120 Have you ever cut an onion? 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:26.840 Yeah? 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:28.920 And when you cut an onion and half, what do 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:29.520 you see? 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:33.880 Sometimes it's a sometimes you have a white feel motive 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:36.760 it or sometimes a very strong smell that can make 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:38.240 you cry mm hmm. 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:43.120 But do you see the layers? Yes, if you cut 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.760 an onion, it has that skin on it, right, and 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.200 you peel that skin off that's on the surface. Now 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:50.880 you've got this little white ball. And if you peel 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:54.440 that off, it's over there and it's doing its thing. 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:57.840 But you still got a little white ball. So baby, 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:02.920 you are just peeling layers and under every layer doesn't 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:06.360 mean that the piece that you peeled off isn't good 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.440 and useful. It just means you got some more layers 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:11.720 to go through. That's all that means. 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:14.400 I thought, of forty three, I'll be finished with the layers. 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:17.680 Well I'm seventy. I'm seventy and I still got the 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:21.040 brown skin on the outside of my onion. Ness. 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:23.160 I guess maybe I thought it's twenty five years old. 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:26.760 Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive that I 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:28.880 was forgiving, But I guess you know. 0:15:29.400 --> 0:15:32.880 Well, see, you may have done the forgiveness work, but 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:38.320 you haven't experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:44.880 the work of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:51.000 had you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there, 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:53.200 go to the core of the onion, because that's where 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:55.680 the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:59.120 the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:04.320 you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough, 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:10.880 down into the stink of it, you experience Oh, okay, 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:16.480 that's who they were, that's how they were, That's who 0:16:16.520 --> 0:16:19.840 I was, that's how I was. This is who they are, 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:24.800 and that's how they are. This is who I am, 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:31.400 And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:35.960 experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother, 0:16:36.760 --> 0:16:40.320 my older brother. He was sixteen, cross addicted to drugs 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:46.960 and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky, 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:52.200 his relationship with my father, his image of himself. And 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.560 I was the baby, and I was the healthiest one 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:57.800 in the room most of the time. So like you, 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:00.920 it was always my job to fix stuff. But I 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:05.240 was also stupid. I was also dumb. I also ruffle 0:17:05.320 --> 0:17:08.800 feathers because I was clairvoyant and Claire audience, and I 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:13.880 could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:17.320 gift of speaking it out loud instead of keeping my 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:24.479 during mouth shutting. Yeah, So all through his life, I 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:27.600 was always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.720 to live with me. Blah blah blah blah blah. He 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:35.240 would call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:40.080 sometime on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:44.959 either one, and want to rehash our childhood. And I 0:17:45.000 --> 0:17:47.800 had done my work, so I didn't see my father 0:17:47.920 --> 0:17:51.359 the way he did. I didn't see our upbringing the 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.960 way he did. So one year I said to him, 0:17:56.040 --> 0:17:58.360 if the only thing you want to do is call 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.960 me and talk about Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:05.720 of these people, I don't call me. Don't call me 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:09.480 and ruin my Christmas, my Thanksgiving and my birthday with 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:13.680 these stories because I don't see it like that. He said, 0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:16.720 you know, you so stupid, get on my nerves and 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:20.320 he hung up, and I didn't see my brother for 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:23.720 five years, five years? 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:25.200 How did that make you feel? 0:18:25.960 --> 0:18:27.080 How did it make me feel? 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:27.840 Yeah? 0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:33.080 Initially I was angry that he couldn't see it the 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:37.040 way I saw it. And then I was hurt that 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:39.960 he didn't appreciate all that I had given to him 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:42.760 and done for him. And then I got clear that 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:46.160 it wasn't about him, it was about me. And then 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:49.800 I did my work, and over the course of the 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:53.720 five years, I got to the place where I said, 0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:59.080 my brother is an addict, my brother is a wounded 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:04.199 little boy, and I will I will never understand the 0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:07.159 depth of his pain. All I can do is have 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:10.880 compassion for him. And then I got to the point 0:19:10.920 --> 0:19:14.520 where I could say I loved my brother just as 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:19.800 he is. Nothing about him needs to change. Because I 0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:27.200 experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself. And in 0:19:27.280 --> 0:19:31.240 one day. It was his birthday, March thirty first, two 0:19:31.320 --> 0:19:35.160 thousand and two. On his birthday, my mother raised us, 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:38.719 we never worked on our birthday. He went out on 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:40.760 his birthday and got high and had a heart attack 0:19:42.160 --> 0:19:47.600 on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness, 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:51.119 and I accepted my brother just as he was for 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:55.240 who he was, and made the choices about how I 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:59.760 was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask 0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:01.600 me anything and I would give it to him, but 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:06.040 I wouldn't put money in his hand. Can you hear me? 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:07.720 Yeah? 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:11.040 You got to accept your brother just as he is 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:17.240 for who he is and choose to participate or not. 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:22.520 Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:25.679 and never got to heal that in his hard drive 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:30.080 before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:32.560 and the only way those are going to change is 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:36.240 if he chooses to change them, and if you are 0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:39.400 willing to make the effort to let him know who 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:43.280 you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:47.800 Like I'm composing in my head because I'm thinking, like 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:51.080 I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:54.639 this closeness. But now that go back, I look at 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:57.480 it as I did a lot of things for him, 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:00.080 and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it. 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:04.280 But I never asked or anything from him because I'm not. 0:21:04.320 --> 0:21:09.560 I just never did. No reason why. So I feel 0:21:09.600 --> 0:21:12.479 like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I 0:21:12.520 --> 0:21:14.719 thought I happened. Maybe I just never really had it 0:21:14.760 --> 0:21:16.000 I just created in my head. 0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:22.119 H yeah, that is quite common that we're having a 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.800 relationship with somebody that's different than the relationship they are 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:28.240 having with us. And you spoke it right out of 0:21:28.280 --> 0:21:30.480 your mouth. You did a lot of things for him 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:32.840 because it was your fault and it was your job 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:34.919 to fix it. That was the role you chose in 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:39.600 the family. It was your fault. He's the golden child. 0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:42.399 I'm the black sheep, are you right, And it's my 0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:45.520 job to fix it. He never asked you for that stuff, 0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:50.720 but he'll ask you for some gas money. Oh yeah, 0:21:50.800 --> 0:21:53.560 you holding him responsible for what you made up and 0:21:53.600 --> 0:21:57.119 what you did based on the chip in your hard drive. 0:21:57.240 --> 0:21:59.760 I'm the black sheet, piece of golden child. It's my fault. 0:21:59.840 --> 0:22:02.680 It's my job to fix it, based on your role 0:22:02.920 --> 0:22:05.560 in the family. Of course, he doesn't know who you 0:22:05.640 --> 0:22:07.879 are now because you haven't shown up. It's who you 0:22:07.920 --> 0:22:10.560 are now. You've shown up as who he knew you 0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:11.679 to be as a teenager. 0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:13.919 No, and I kind of said things like that when 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:16.760 I saw certain things, but it was more so it 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:20.240 was just a lie. And then then after that it's like, Okay, 0:22:20.280 --> 0:22:22.160 I don't want to go in the argument of oh, 0:22:22.200 --> 0:22:24.159 you're lying. I know you're lying. You know I'm not. No, 0:22:24.240 --> 0:22:26.200 I'm not, like, I don't do that. So I just like, okay, 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:28.520 I leave alone because it's like, I can't make someone 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:29.960 be honest with me. They don't want to be honest 0:22:29.960 --> 0:22:30.119 with me. 0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:34.960 Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on. 0:22:35.480 --> 0:22:38.560 Even though you know they're lying, though, but maybe it's 0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:41.919 not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a 0:22:41.960 --> 0:22:46.680 lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:50.480 you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you 0:22:50.520 --> 0:22:54.600 say it, And the minute you make somebody wrong, they're 0:22:54.640 --> 0:22:56.320 going to go on the defensive. 0:22:57.240 --> 0:22:57.560 Yeah. 0:22:57.600 --> 0:23:01.520 And once they become defensive, you know, you're like shocked 0:23:01.560 --> 0:23:05.240 because I'm like, you're on the defensive and nobody is 0:23:05.320 --> 0:23:09.600 even attacking you, but you are in your speaking because 0:23:09.640 --> 0:23:15.200 you're functioning from the black sheep posture, and whatever your 0:23:15.320 --> 0:23:18.520 position is in the matter, it's going to determine how 0:23:18.560 --> 0:23:23.640 you see it. Okay, So what do we do now? 0:23:24.240 --> 0:23:33.640