Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I have a confession, and my confession is this,
Speaker 1: I'm right and they're wrong. I am right and they
Speaker 1: are wrong always. Have you ever felt that way? Have
Speaker 1: you ever felt that the person you are looking at
Speaker 1: is just totally off their rocker because they can't see
Speaker 1: it the way you see it, They don't hear it
Speaker 1: the way you hear it, And when you try to
Speaker 1: impose your rightness upon them, they go into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens,
Speaker 1: happens all the time in relationships. The way I think
Speaker 1: about it is this, at the center of each of us,
Speaker 1: there's a core. There's a thing. It's like an onion.
Speaker 1: People think that it's the layers in the onion that
Speaker 1: make the onion stink. Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. It's that core all the way down deep
Speaker 1: inside that makes your eyes run water when you cut
Speaker 1: that onion open. And what we failed to realize is
Speaker 1: every onion smells different. We just think the onion is
Speaker 1: gonna make us cry and it's gonna smell back. No,
Speaker 1: every onion is different. In other words, what's in your
Speaker 1: core is not the same as what's in somebody else's core.
Speaker 1: And while your core makes you right, their core has
Speaker 1: a totally different scent, which means they're gonna see it different,
Speaker 1: they're gonna feel it different, they're gonna hear it different.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. You've got to understand that everybody has
Speaker 1: a right to their core. Even if their core makes
Speaker 1: you wrong, it's their core. And that's what my guests
Speaker 1: and I are going to talk about today. Why your
Speaker 1: core makes you right and their core makes them right.
Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings, Tamika, welcome to the art spot
Speaker 1: and what is your relationship challenge, question issued dilemma today?
Speaker 2: Hi, Auntieyanva, you're my auntie. You just don't know it.
Speaker 1: Hi.
Speaker 2: I've been following you since back in the Meantime book
Speaker 2: one day my soldiers.
Speaker 1: Over, but I just want to say thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2: So I have a dealing with my brother. We're three
Speaker 2: years apart. We've been very close. My mom recently died
Speaker 2: two years ago July thirtieth, twenty twenty. Normally I'm the
Speaker 2: black sheep of the family. My brother is kind of
Speaker 2: like the golden child. It's always been like that, kind
Speaker 2: of over that stuff, so it really doesn't matter. For
Speaker 2: my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I
Speaker 2: was able to have an experience of actually having my
Speaker 2: mom there, which having my daughter five years ago, almost
Speaker 2: six a good years ago helped. My mom passed away
Speaker 2: during that time, it was very she got sick, two
Speaker 2: months in the hospital. My brother was beside me. He
Speaker 2: really didn't help much. He had just moved back with
Speaker 2: his family from New York. After she died a week later.
Speaker 2: He basically flipped everything. And it was all my fault
Speaker 2: of basically leaving him out. I assumed that he was
Speaker 2: just kind of mourning a different way. Fast forward two
Speaker 2: years now, we live in the same state, very close
Speaker 2: together in Maryland, my husband and him. My husband tries
Speaker 2: to be the middle person, but I'm to a point
Speaker 2: now I'm tired. I'm done. I love my niece and nephew.
Speaker 2: My daughter's a five month apart, I started a year apart.
Speaker 2: My father's still being a picture. He's starting to see
Speaker 2: my mom started to see before she died. But it
Speaker 2: is what it is. They kind of created that person
Speaker 2: right now. I'm trying to find peace. I want to
Speaker 2: find peace. I want to find true freedom. It hurt
Speaker 2: very bad, but I know that that relationship one day
Speaker 2: come to something. Whatever that's un comes, but it hurts.
Speaker 2: I know that he wants me to show that hurt.
Speaker 2: I know he gets something good out of it. I
Speaker 2: don't really like to show it. He's very passive aggressive.
Speaker 2: There are times when my my husband recently has been
Speaker 2: invited to their house for a football party. I asked him,
Speaker 2: my busband asked them where the wives and children invited.
Speaker 2: My brother said, no, long story short, women and children
Speaker 2: were there. My husband later talked to him about it
Speaker 2: three different times. When my brother just said he didn't
Speaker 2: know about it. He kind of lies about it, brushes
Speaker 2: it over. I just auntie jalla. I'm just trying to
Speaker 2: bind people with in myself because I know that people
Speaker 2: like this will kind of happen throughout life, and I
Speaker 2: just want to be okay with him.
Speaker 1: Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just a little confused. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I heard you say. I'm close to my brother. I'm
Speaker 1: in the black Sheep, He's the golden chot. Yes, And
Speaker 1: mother got sick. Brother didn't help me.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: And now I'm still trying to figure out what happened
Speaker 1: when the sheep and the golden child got together. What happened?
Speaker 2: Well, I thought we were close. I mean I think
Speaker 2: at one point we probably were. He had my face
Speaker 2: tattooed on his arm years ago in his late teens,
Speaker 2: But there was still an underlining, like I was to say,
Speaker 2: like you know, in high school and stuff, where like
Speaker 2: I said, my brother he was the gold child. To me,
Speaker 2: it was always the one with the issues. I was
Speaker 2: the one that kind of wanted truth, and they kind
Speaker 2: of pretended like things was one way when it wasn't.
Speaker 2: So I always ruffled their feathers still to this day
Speaker 2: with my father's same thing. So I understand that I'm
Speaker 2: very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned that
Speaker 2: a lot of people do not like that about me.
Speaker 2: My mom he got to know me once my daughter
Speaker 2: was born, because she wanted to have relationship with my daughter.
Speaker 2: A lot of times he or she would just cut
Speaker 2: me off if I didn't like if she didn't like
Speaker 2: what I said or didn't like that I did something.
Speaker 2: So when my daughter came in the picture, it got
Speaker 2: to a point where we may had an issue, but
Speaker 2: we were able to get through it. We were able
Speaker 2: to speak our truth to send move past it. She
Speaker 2: didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout the years,
Speaker 2: I thought that I had this relationship with my brother,
Speaker 2: But I'm starting to see when I look at myself
Speaker 2: and look back, I never asked him of anything. I
Speaker 2: just was being a big sister, always helping and being
Speaker 2: there for him, covering him, protecting him. But I guess
Speaker 2: somehow in the mix, I'm starting to see that maybe
Speaker 2: this is how he really felt about me all along.
Speaker 1: How does he feel about it?
Speaker 2: I really don't know, because we oh, I know you
Speaker 2: were gonna do that to me. My experience with him
Speaker 2: it has been that he's he doesn't like it's just
Speaker 2: like my we were raised, you know, it's kind of
Speaker 2: like looked like the Cosby family, but behind closed doors
Speaker 2: you know, Mika, you're the issue. You're the problem anything
Speaker 2: if there's something between them too, I've become the problem
Speaker 2: even if I'm not the problem.
Speaker 1: Okay, so let me ask you this, What made you
Speaker 1: the black sheep? Where did you get that from? Because
Speaker 1: that's old.
Speaker 2: It's I'm the.
Speaker 1: Black sheep because.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm the black sheep because I like to really
Speaker 2: speak truth. I wanted to get to the core of
Speaker 2: an issue they like to keep on the surface. What else,
Speaker 2: I'm the black sheep because I'm the black sheep because
Speaker 2: Tmika doesn't know anythings.
Speaker 1: So I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is that it?
Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, they think they know me, but they really
Speaker 2: don't really know me. And all I can say is
Speaker 2: thing got that before my mom died, for those six
Speaker 2: five years almost she was able to know me. She
Speaker 2: was able to know who I was, and the relationship
Speaker 2: became different. I really I hope I don't sound like
Speaker 2: I'm the victim because I'm really not trying to play
Speaker 2: a Vista the role.
Speaker 1: But no, you're not the victim. You're the black sheep.
Speaker 1: You're the black sheet. Now what makes him the golden child?
Speaker 2: Because he's PJ that's his nickname, but he's PJ. He
Speaker 2: whatever he says, it's golden. You know, like Taanika's been
Speaker 2: working in marketing, communications and TV production for years, but
Speaker 2: he comes in and he has done something in marketing
Speaker 2: as well, which is still good. But because it's him, Oh,
Speaker 2: it seals the deal. It has gold on it, it
Speaker 2: has its shimmered with gold. Whatever he says, it just
Speaker 2: comes out to fruish and Tamika. He kind of ruffles
Speaker 2: out feathers. That makes us feel quite uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Is it possibly because he's the baby.
Speaker 2: It could see. Oh, I mean it definitely could be.
Speaker 2: I would say, like in high school and stuff, it
Speaker 2: was the same way. Like, for example, got to the
Speaker 2: point where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to
Speaker 2: go to work, I had to pay him for gas money,
Speaker 2: and he had a car and my car was down.
Speaker 2: I'd pay my parents are gas meaning so it's kind
Speaker 2: of like I can't. It's kind of like they would
Speaker 2: do things for him, but they would not do it for.
Speaker 1: Me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give
Speaker 1: your brother gas money.
Speaker 2: You know. It's like it's kind of like, well, I
Speaker 2: would have to do it for my parents. It's kind
Speaker 2: of like him. It was different. They didn't have them
Speaker 2: to shoot with him. For some reason. They gave him.
Speaker 2: He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess. But for me,
Speaker 2: I did not make them feel comfortable. I guess that's
Speaker 2: how I would. I would definitely look at that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and because he's the baby.
Speaker 3: And because that's because they saw themselves in him. So
Speaker 3: they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah,
Speaker 3: your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad
Speaker 3: would say that, your brother's like me, you're like your mother,
Speaker 3: You're like your father. I'm the one that they don't
Speaker 3: really want. They see things in me that I guess
Speaker 3: remind them of the other spousand.
Speaker 1: You know, I was the one they didn't want. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's deep, and that's in your heart. I'm the one
Speaker 1: they didn't want. They wanted him, they don't want me.
Speaker 1: Now he doesn't want me.
Speaker 2: Kind of Yeah. I felt that once my mom died.
Speaker 2: It was like the spirit of what I felt from
Speaker 2: my mom years ago, of sessoning God to to have
Speaker 2: a mother relationship with her, and once I was able
Speaker 2: to get it, God trunk. It's that feeling of not
Speaker 2: being good enough.
Speaker 1: It's well, your mother raised him. So all of those
Speaker 1: old ideas that she may have had about you, about
Speaker 1: you being the black sheep ruffling the feathers, everything is
Speaker 1: your fault. It's your job to fix it. Maybe she
Speaker 1: didn't get a chance to correct that in his hard
Speaker 1: drive before she left him.
Speaker 2: No, she didn't, and she saw it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's where he's operating from.
Speaker 2: I'm trying not to go back there in the test,
Speaker 2: Panti Yama.
Speaker 1: But that's where you live. Everything you said. You talk
Speaker 1: to me about high school, you talk to me about
Speaker 1: being a teenager. You didn't talk to me anything about
Speaker 1: present day. You are in the past, and that's why
Speaker 1: you're experiencing what you're experiencing, because you bring in the
Speaker 1: past with you into this current moment.
Speaker 2: What I feel like every time I feel like I've
Speaker 2: learned something or grown or for gay to another level
Speaker 2: than life, she comes in and it takes me back,
Speaker 2: like I felt like I was able to have a
Speaker 2: level of protection where I lived my life before I
Speaker 2: had kids and before I got married. I lived my
Speaker 2: life and I waited until thirtie years oldcause I wasn't
Speaker 2: really sure up on the kids. I wasn't real struggling
Speaker 2: to get married, and I feel like I had a
Speaker 2: level of protection there. And then I get married and
Speaker 2: then I have kids, and then it's like, I'm so
Speaker 2: family oriented that, you know, I want my family to
Speaker 2: be connected, and so, you know where I didn't go
Speaker 2: to the house that my father isn't today because I
Speaker 2: was raised in it and to me, it didn't feel
Speaker 2: like a home and bring back very bad memories. But
Speaker 2: I was willing to look past that because I wanted
Speaker 2: my children to have relationship with my father. You know, like,
Speaker 2: I don't know. I think I had a decent life.
Speaker 2: I think I was psychologically emotionally abused, and I think
Speaker 2: they did what they thought was best at the time.
Speaker 2: But it seems like because of having these kids and
Speaker 2: having a husband, it's opening up doors that I can
Speaker 2: no longer control, and it's making me so vulnerable and
Speaker 2: bringing back things that I thought that I had handled,
Speaker 2: but now I have to handle on a different level.
Speaker 2: And I don't know what to do. And I just
Speaker 2: want peace with them myself because I know that I
Speaker 2: can't control no one else but meat.
Speaker 1: Huh, take a breath. We'll talk more about it when
Speaker 1: we come back, Welcome back, I am I'm learing this
Speaker 1: is the r spot. Do you cook?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Have you ever cut an onion?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And when you cut an onion and half, what do
Speaker 1: you see?
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's a sometimes you have a white feel motive
Speaker 2: it or sometimes a very strong smell that can make
Speaker 2: you cry mm hmm.
Speaker 1: But do you see the layers? Yes, if you cut
Speaker 1: an onion, it has that skin on it, right, and
Speaker 1: you peel that skin off that's on the surface. Now
Speaker 1: you've got this little white ball. And if you peel
Speaker 1: that off, it's over there and it's doing its thing.
Speaker 1: But you still got a little white ball. So baby,
Speaker 1: you are just peeling layers and under every layer doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that the piece that you peeled off isn't good
Speaker 1: and useful. It just means you got some more layers
Speaker 1: to go through. That's all that means.
Speaker 2: I thought, of forty three, I'll be finished with the layers.
Speaker 1: Well I'm seventy. I'm seventy and I still got the
Speaker 1: brown skin on the outside of my onion. Ness.
Speaker 2: I guess maybe I thought it's twenty five years old.
Speaker 2: Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive that I
Speaker 2: was forgiving, But I guess you know.
Speaker 1: Well, see, you may have done the forgiveness work, but
Speaker 1: you haven't experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing
Speaker 1: the work of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean,
Speaker 1: had you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there,
Speaker 1: go to the core of the onion, because that's where
Speaker 1: the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not
Speaker 1: the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes
Speaker 1: you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough,
Speaker 1: down into the stink of it, you experience Oh, okay,
Speaker 1: that's who they were, that's how they were, That's who
Speaker 1: I was, that's how I was. This is who they are,
Speaker 1: and that's how they are. This is who I am,
Speaker 1: And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the
Speaker 1: experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother,
Speaker 1: my older brother. He was sixteen, cross addicted to drugs
Speaker 1: and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky,
Speaker 1: his relationship with my father, his image of himself. And
Speaker 1: I was the baby, and I was the healthiest one
Speaker 1: in the room most of the time. So like you,
Speaker 1: it was always my job to fix stuff. But I
Speaker 1: was also stupid. I was also dumb. I also ruffle
Speaker 1: feathers because I was clairvoyant and Claire audience, and I
Speaker 1: could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided
Speaker 1: gift of speaking it out loud instead of keeping my
Speaker 1: during mouth shutting. Yeah, So all through his life, I
Speaker 1: was always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him
Speaker 1: to live with me. Blah blah blah blah blah. He
Speaker 1: would call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year,
Speaker 1: sometime on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk,
Speaker 1: either one, and want to rehash our childhood. And I
Speaker 1: had done my work, so I didn't see my father
Speaker 1: the way he did. I didn't see our upbringing the
Speaker 1: way he did. So one year I said to him,
Speaker 1: if the only thing you want to do is call
Speaker 1: me and talk about Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all
Speaker 1: of these people, I don't call me. Don't call me
Speaker 1: and ruin my Christmas, my Thanksgiving and my birthday with
Speaker 1: these stories because I don't see it like that. He said,
Speaker 1: you know, you so stupid, get on my nerves and
Speaker 1: he hung up, and I didn't see my brother for
Speaker 1: five years, five years?
Speaker 2: How did that make you feel?
Speaker 1: How did it make me feel?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Initially I was angry that he couldn't see it the
Speaker 1: way I saw it. And then I was hurt that
Speaker 1: he didn't appreciate all that I had given to him
Speaker 1: and done for him. And then I got clear that
Speaker 1: it wasn't about him, it was about me. And then
Speaker 1: I did my work, and over the course of the
Speaker 1: five years, I got to the place where I said,
Speaker 1: my brother is an addict, my brother is a wounded
Speaker 1: little boy, and I will I will never understand the
Speaker 1: depth of his pain. All I can do is have
Speaker 1: compassion for him. And then I got to the point
Speaker 1: where I could say I loved my brother just as
Speaker 1: he is. Nothing about him needs to change. Because I
Speaker 1: experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself. And in
Speaker 1: one day. It was his birthday, March thirty first, two
Speaker 1: thousand and two. On his birthday, my mother raised us,
Speaker 1: we never worked on our birthday. He went out on
Speaker 1: his birthday and got high and had a heart attack
Speaker 1: on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness,
Speaker 1: and I accepted my brother just as he was for
Speaker 1: who he was, and made the choices about how I
Speaker 1: was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask
Speaker 1: me anything and I would give it to him, but
Speaker 1: I wouldn't put money in his hand. Can you hear me?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: You got to accept your brother just as he is
Speaker 1: for who he is and choose to participate or not.
Speaker 1: Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you
Speaker 1: and never got to heal that in his hard drive
Speaker 1: before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas
Speaker 1: and the only way those are going to change is
Speaker 1: if he chooses to change them, and if you are
Speaker 1: willing to make the effort to let him know who
Speaker 1: you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager.
Speaker 2: Like I'm composing in my head because I'm thinking, like
Speaker 2: I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had
Speaker 2: this closeness. But now that go back, I look at
Speaker 2: it as I did a lot of things for him,
Speaker 2: and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it.
Speaker 2: But I never asked or anything from him because I'm not.
Speaker 2: I just never did. No reason why. So I feel
Speaker 2: like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I
Speaker 2: thought I happened. Maybe I just never really had it
Speaker 2: I just created in my head.
Speaker 1: H yeah, that is quite common that we're having a
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody that's different than the relationship they are
Speaker 1: having with us. And you spoke it right out of
Speaker 1: your mouth. You did a lot of things for him
Speaker 1: because it was your fault and it was your job
Speaker 1: to fix it. That was the role you chose in
Speaker 1: the family. It was your fault. He's the golden child.
Speaker 1: I'm the black sheep, are you right, And it's my
Speaker 1: job to fix it. He never asked you for that stuff,
Speaker 1: but he'll ask you for some gas money. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: you holding him responsible for what you made up and
Speaker 1: what you did based on the chip in your hard drive.
Speaker 1: I'm the black sheet, piece of golden child. It's my fault.
Speaker 1: It's my job to fix it, based on your role
Speaker 1: in the family. Of course, he doesn't know who you
Speaker 1: are now because you haven't shown up. It's who you
Speaker 1: are now. You've shown up as who he knew you
Speaker 1: to be as a teenager.
Speaker 2: No, and I kind of said things like that when
Speaker 2: I saw certain things, but it was more so it
Speaker 2: was just a lie. And then then after that it's like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I don't want to go in the argument of oh,
Speaker 2: you're lying. I know you're lying. You know I'm not. No,
Speaker 2: I'm not, like, I don't do that. So I just like, okay,
Speaker 2: I leave alone because it's like, I can't make someone
Speaker 2: be honest with me. They don't want to be honest
Speaker 2: with me.
Speaker 1: Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on.
Speaker 1: Even though you know they're lying, though, but maybe it's
Speaker 1: not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a
Speaker 1: lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what
Speaker 1: you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you
Speaker 1: say it, And the minute you make somebody wrong, they're
Speaker 1: going to go on the defensive.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And once they become defensive, you know, you're like shocked
Speaker 1: because I'm like, you're on the defensive and nobody is
Speaker 1: even attacking you, but you are in your speaking because
Speaker 1: you're functioning from the black sheep posture, and whatever your
Speaker 1: position is in the matter, it's going to determine how
Speaker 1: you see it. Okay, So what do we do now?
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: It could very well be that you're having you had
Speaker 1: a relationship with him that he's not having with you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I mean it's like little things that they
Speaker 2: put their pictures up, family puts on the wall, and
Speaker 2: I was like, hey, my husband's not in any of
Speaker 2: the pictures. And three years later then they bought a house,
Speaker 2: they added more pictures, and still no pictures, but they
Speaker 2: added more other people.
Speaker 1: But did you ask him, did you forget the picture
Speaker 1: with booboo in it? Whatever your husband's you forgot to
Speaker 1: picture with booboo in it?
Speaker 2: No? I didn't ask.
Speaker 1: But why is that important to you that your brother
Speaker 1: doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house
Speaker 1: with your husband in it? Why is that important?
Speaker 2: I guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly,
Speaker 2: it's like it's a fake and phony thing, and I
Speaker 2: want it to be not fake and phony.
Speaker 1: No judgment, judgment. It's not important to him, so why
Speaker 1: should he put it on the wall in his house.
Speaker 1: It's not important to him. It's important to you, it's
Speaker 1: not important to him. So in essence, my love, you're
Speaker 1: doing the very same thing to him that he does
Speaker 1: to you. You make what's important to you his priority.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm trying to figure out where my place is
Speaker 2: and see that me mean, because it's so fake, it's
Speaker 2: so phony.
Speaker 1: It's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you.
Speaker 1: From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my
Speaker 1: brother would stick a needlefull of heroine in his arm.
Speaker 1: I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me
Speaker 1: that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add
Speaker 1: columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was
Speaker 1: a mathematical genius, and he would put heroin in his arm.
Speaker 1: So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I
Speaker 1: didn't know what was in the core of his onion.
Speaker 1: I didn't know.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't know what's to dunk.
Speaker 1: So I had to stop expecting his onion. The smell
Speaker 1: like my union.
Speaker 2: What happened to other people?
Speaker 1: It hurts you, that's because you taking on. Like I said,
Speaker 1: I made a simple request of my brother, don't call
Speaker 1: here talking that I don't want to hear it no more.
Speaker 1: He didn't want to hear that from me, so he
Speaker 1: hung up and separated himself for five years. So be it.
Speaker 1: You can't have it both ways. You can't stand in
Speaker 1: what you value and then expect other people to line
Speaker 1: up with it if they don't value the same things.
Speaker 2: I just I just thought that when you genuinely care
Speaker 2: for someone and you want that relationship with that person,
Speaker 2: you all can sometimes agree to disagree. You have a talk,
Speaker 2: so you often come to a common ground.
Speaker 1: But that may not be what he wants, or it
Speaker 1: may not be the way he wants it. And it's okay.
Speaker 1: I want you to do. You have a pencil and
Speaker 1: a piece of paper, Yes, write this down. I want
Speaker 1: you to write down two things. First thing, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: spell it for you, okay, okay, s E now if
Speaker 1: that's the first word. Second word r I g h
Speaker 1: T e O U else what is that? Spell?
Speaker 2: Self? Rightous?
Speaker 1: Uh huh? Makes you blind?
Speaker 2: Uh? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Now you think that everybody sees it the way you
Speaker 1: see it, baby, They don't. He's got a malfunction in
Speaker 1: his hard drive. Based on the way you all were raised.
Speaker 1: You've grown up, done some work, stretched in, but you're
Speaker 1: still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's
Speaker 1: gonna see it the way you see it. They don't.
Speaker 1: Your mother didn't, your father doesn't. He doesn't, your brother I.
Speaker 2: Don't mean to be self rightous.
Speaker 1: Well, just something for you to consider. Just that's not
Speaker 1: a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. It's based
Speaker 1: on our next word. Okay, write this down? What is
Speaker 1: my now? I'm a spell this word? P O S
Speaker 1: I T I. Oh. And what is my what? What
Speaker 1: is my position?
Speaker 2: Position?
Speaker 1: What is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am
Speaker 1: I expecting somebody to see it the way I see it?
Speaker 1: Do I think my opinion is better than theirs or
Speaker 1: stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to
Speaker 1: see what I see?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got to ask those things.
Speaker 2: I get it. Yeah, I guess I being self righteous
Speaker 2: because I thought that the love was the same more
Speaker 2: when we were both on the same level of having
Speaker 2: that love and relationship that I thought that we had
Speaker 2: years ago, and that now that we're married and we
Speaker 2: have kids that were close in age, and because we're
Speaker 2: in the same state and we grew up with a
Speaker 2: big family being closed, I thought that he would want
Speaker 2: the same things.
Speaker 1: Have you ever asked it?
Speaker 2: No? Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hm.
Speaker 2: Because it seems like if I go below the surface,
Speaker 2: a ruffle feathers and I'm kind of tied a rufference.
Speaker 1: Who appointed you to be the surface digger? Nobody asked
Speaker 1: you to go below the beneath the surface.
Speaker 2: It's just who I am. I like to stay below
Speaker 2: the surface, but I'm trying to I've learned, I guess
Speaker 2: in my early thirties that I go quite deep sometimes
Speaker 2: and sometimes you don't want to go deep.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, And so.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to learn to stay on the surface to me,
Speaker 2: because some people just don't want that deepness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's self righteousness. I go deep and they
Speaker 1: want to stay on the surface. How about it. I
Speaker 1: have a different consciousness than they do. What's my position?
Speaker 1: I'm looking straight up with my hands outreached and they
Speaker 1: looking out. They left eye with one hand and they pocket.
Speaker 1: Not right, not wrong, not good, not bad, just different.
Speaker 1: You call it deep in surface?
Speaker 2: Yes, well I thought I was them.
Speaker 1: No, you're calling it surface. And it may just be
Speaker 1: their capacity based on what's in their hard drive. You
Speaker 1: call it surface and deep. It may just be about capacity.
Speaker 1: Oh God, okay, oh God is right. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you something, and you want to talk about deep. I
Speaker 1: can sit in a room with people and read them
Speaker 1: like a book. Tell you what color drawers they got
Speaker 1: on and who they screwing and what they did and
Speaker 1: when they lie and tell them. You can't go around
Speaker 1: talking to people like that because compassionately, I know they're
Speaker 1: at their capacity. This is what they can handle. Not right,
Speaker 1: not wrong. Everybody isn't clairvoyant. Everybody doesn't have to give
Speaker 1: to die. So I'm not going to impose my perspective
Speaker 1: on everybody. Get to choose.
Speaker 2: Wow. Okay, I look at things with my parents from
Speaker 2: the past. They did what they thought was best at
Speaker 2: that moment, you know, at that point, and so that
Speaker 2: way I didn't you know, I was trying to find
Speaker 2: ways to not carry that on and look at them
Speaker 2: as being human too, because they had to. They had
Speaker 2: their own separate journey.
Speaker 1: Respect their capacity and don't be righteous about where you are. Wow,
Speaker 1: and don't see them as less than, and don't see
Speaker 1: you as more than. Don't see them as wrong or right.
Speaker 1: Write this down, h I s underline that. Okay, what
Speaker 1: is not what I want, what it should be, what
Speaker 1: I think it should be, what they should be doing. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: this is what it is. It is this. I'm having
Speaker 1: a relationship with my brother that he is not having
Speaker 1: with me. Okay, let me see what kind of relationship
Speaker 1: he is with me, and let me shift my position
Speaker 1: or how I want to participate. Okay, this work is
Speaker 1: your work to do. Belove it. I really want you
Speaker 1: to look at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I
Speaker 1: want you to look at how you think or how
Speaker 1: you may expect people to see everything the way you
Speaker 1: see it, do it the way you do it, feel
Speaker 1: it the way you feel it. That's a form of
Speaker 1: self righteousness. Okay, whenever you get in that place, look
Speaker 1: at Okay, what is my position? What am I saying
Speaker 1: should be happening, What am I saying isn't happening, What
Speaker 1: am I thinking they're doing? What is my position? Because
Speaker 1: your position is going to determine how you see the experience.
Speaker 1: And then I want you to learn to look at
Speaker 1: what is going on and make a clear choice about
Speaker 1: how you want to participate, if you want to participate.
Speaker 1: Because I hear everything that you're saying. But I got
Speaker 1: two things in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in
Speaker 1: the chip in his hard drive as it relates to you,
Speaker 1: and that you function from the position of he's the
Speaker 1: golden child, you're the black sheep. It's your fault and
Speaker 1: it's your job to fix everything. And finally be willing
Speaker 1: to let five years go and you don't speak to.
Speaker 2: Your mother, afraid, afraid that if I just let go,
Speaker 2: let go meaning of the outcome of it, what happens
Speaker 2: and it hurts me to my core.
Speaker 1: Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it,
Speaker 1: and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself
Speaker 1: for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've
Speaker 1: given you. And I promise you if you if you
Speaker 1: shift everything that's going to shift, and stop being the
Speaker 1: durned black sheet, go get your red dress or something.
Speaker 2: I'll do that. I'm going to look at how I
Speaker 2: see myself. I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable
Speaker 2: around them, my brother and my father, I do. I
Speaker 2: don't feel safe, so I do put a burial one.
Speaker 2: I guess when I get around them, it's like I
Speaker 2: have to put this, you know, kind of armor one
Speaker 2: to protect myself emotionally from them.
Speaker 1: Well, no wonder they can't get in to learn who
Speaker 1: you are today?
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, wow, do some work.
Speaker 1: Give me a call in a couple of weeks and
Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Thank you, auntie, jama
Speaker 1: I will okay, sweetie, all right, and go back to forgiveness,
Speaker 1: go back to that book.
Speaker 2: Thank yoga. Wow.
Speaker 1: There are two important things to understand when we're experiencing
Speaker 1: a breakdown or some level of discord in and even relationship.
Speaker 1: The first thing is this, your position in the matter
Speaker 1: will determine how you perceive the matter, how you stand
Speaker 1: in the matter, how you address the matter. Your position
Speaker 1: determines your perspective. That's number one. Here's number two. It's
Speaker 1: all about you, boo. It's all about you. It's always
Speaker 1: about you, no matter what is going on. The other
Speaker 1: person may never change. The other person may never see
Speaker 1: it your way even though you're right. But if you
Speaker 1: don't shift your position about the need to be right,
Speaker 1: about seeing it your way about what they need to do.
Speaker 1: If you're not willing to shift your position, that doesn't
Speaker 1: have anything to do with them. It's all about you,
Speaker 1: and the discord will continue until you handle your pisiness.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.