1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,720 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,319 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:49,559 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I have a confession, and my confession is this, 10 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: I'm right and they're wrong. I am right and they 11 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: are wrong always. Have you ever felt that way? Have 12 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,920 Speaker 1: you ever felt that the person you are looking at 13 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,400 Speaker 1: is just totally off their rocker because they can't see 14 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: it the way you see it, They don't hear it 15 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: the way you hear it, And when you try to 16 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:24,680 Speaker 1: impose your rightness upon them, they go into resistance and defense. Yeah, happens, 17 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: happens all the time in relationships. The way I think 18 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: about it is this, at the center of each of us, 19 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: there's a core. There's a thing. It's like an onion. 20 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: People think that it's the layers in the onion that 21 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: make the onion stink. Make the onion make you cry. No, no, no, 22 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: no no. It's that core all the way down deep 23 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 1: inside that makes your eyes run water when you cut 24 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 1: that onion open. And what we failed to realize is 25 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: every onion smells different. We just think the onion is 26 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,920 Speaker 1: gonna make us cry and it's gonna smell back. No, 27 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,280 Speaker 1: every onion is different. In other words, what's in your 28 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,960 Speaker 1: core is not the same as what's in somebody else's core. 29 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:22,639 Speaker 1: And while your core makes you right, their core has 30 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,639 Speaker 1: a totally different scent, which means they're gonna see it different, 31 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: they're gonna feel it different, they're gonna hear it different. 32 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:35,959 Speaker 1: Here's the thing. You've got to understand that everybody has 33 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: a right to their core. Even if their core makes 34 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,480 Speaker 1: you wrong, it's their core. And that's what my guests 35 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: and I are going to talk about today. Why your 36 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: core makes you right and their core makes them right. 37 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:05,800 Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings, Tamika, welcome to the art spot 38 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 1: and what is your relationship challenge, question issued dilemma today? 39 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 2: Hi, Auntieyanva, you're my auntie. You just don't know it. 40 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: Hi. 41 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 2: I've been following you since back in the Meantime book 42 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 2: one day my soldiers. 43 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,520 Speaker 1: Over, but I just want to say thank you, thank you. 44 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,359 Speaker 2: So I have a dealing with my brother. We're three 45 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 2: years apart. We've been very close. My mom recently died 46 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 2: two years ago July thirtieth, twenty twenty. Normally I'm the 47 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 2: black sheep of the family. My brother is kind of 48 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 2: like the golden child. It's always been like that, kind 49 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 2: of over that stuff, so it really doesn't matter. For 50 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 2: my mom died, we able to mend our relationship. I 51 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 2: was able to have an experience of actually having my 52 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,720 Speaker 2: mom there, which having my daughter five years ago, almost 53 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 2: six a good years ago helped. My mom passed away 54 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 2: during that time, it was very she got sick, two 55 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 2: months in the hospital. My brother was beside me. He 56 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 2: really didn't help much. He had just moved back with 57 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 2: his family from New York. After she died a week later. 58 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 2: He basically flipped everything. And it was all my fault 59 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,039 Speaker 2: of basically leaving him out. I assumed that he was 60 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 2: just kind of mourning a different way. Fast forward two 61 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 2: years now, we live in the same state, very close 62 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,279 Speaker 2: together in Maryland, my husband and him. My husband tries 63 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 2: to be the middle person, but I'm to a point 64 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 2: now I'm tired. I'm done. I love my niece and nephew. 65 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 2: My daughter's a five month apart, I started a year apart. 66 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 2: My father's still being a picture. He's starting to see 67 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,359 Speaker 2: my mom started to see before she died. But it 68 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: is what it is. They kind of created that person 69 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 2: right now. I'm trying to find peace. I want to 70 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 2: find peace. I want to find true freedom. It hurt 71 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 2: very bad, but I know that that relationship one day 72 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 2: come to something. Whatever that's un comes, but it hurts. 73 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 2: I know that he wants me to show that hurt. 74 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 2: I know he gets something good out of it. I 75 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 2: don't really like to show it. He's very passive aggressive. 76 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,240 Speaker 2: There are times when my my husband recently has been 77 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 2: invited to their house for a football party. I asked him, 78 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 2: my busband asked them where the wives and children invited. 79 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 2: My brother said, no, long story short, women and children 80 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: were there. My husband later talked to him about it 81 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,720 Speaker 2: three different times. When my brother just said he didn't 82 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 2: know about it. He kind of lies about it, brushes 83 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 2: it over. I just auntie jalla. I'm just trying to 84 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,280 Speaker 2: bind people with in myself because I know that people 85 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 2: like this will kind of happen throughout life, and I 86 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 2: just want to be okay with him. 87 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:49,599 Speaker 1: Okay, you're everything that you're saying. I'm just a little confused. Yeah, 88 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: I heard you say. I'm close to my brother. I'm 89 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 1: in the black Sheep, He's the golden chot. Yes, And 90 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,120 Speaker 1: mother got sick. Brother didn't help me. 91 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:01,039 Speaker 2: Yes. 92 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:07,279 Speaker 1: And now I'm still trying to figure out what happened 93 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,279 Speaker 1: when the sheep and the golden child got together. What happened? 94 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 2: Well, I thought we were close. I mean I think 95 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,919 Speaker 2: at one point we probably were. He had my face 96 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 2: tattooed on his arm years ago in his late teens, 97 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,159 Speaker 2: But there was still an underlining, like I was to say, 98 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 2: like you know, in high school and stuff, where like 99 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 2: I said, my brother he was the gold child. To me, 100 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,720 Speaker 2: it was always the one with the issues. I was 101 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 2: the one that kind of wanted truth, and they kind 102 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,599 Speaker 2: of pretended like things was one way when it wasn't. 103 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 2: So I always ruffled their feathers still to this day 104 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 2: with my father's same thing. So I understand that I'm 105 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:48,480 Speaker 2: very straightforward, and I know that sometimes I've learned that 106 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 2: a lot of people do not like that about me. 107 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 2: My mom he got to know me once my daughter 108 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,039 Speaker 2: was born, because she wanted to have relationship with my daughter. 109 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 2: A lot of times he or she would just cut 110 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,359 Speaker 2: me off if I didn't like if she didn't like 111 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,839 Speaker 2: what I said or didn't like that I did something. 112 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 2: So when my daughter came in the picture, it got 113 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 2: to a point where we may had an issue, but 114 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 2: we were able to get through it. We were able 115 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 2: to speak our truth to send move past it. She 116 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:22,840 Speaker 2: didn't like cut me off. So I guess throughout the years, 117 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,760 Speaker 2: I thought that I had this relationship with my brother, 118 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 2: But I'm starting to see when I look at myself 119 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: and look back, I never asked him of anything. I 120 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 2: just was being a big sister, always helping and being 121 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 2: there for him, covering him, protecting him. But I guess 122 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,560 Speaker 2: somehow in the mix, I'm starting to see that maybe 123 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 2: this is how he really felt about me all along. 124 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: How does he feel about it? 125 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 2: I really don't know, because we oh, I know you 126 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 2: were gonna do that to me. My experience with him 127 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 2: it has been that he's he doesn't like it's just 128 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 2: like my we were raised, you know, it's kind of 129 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 2: like looked like the Cosby family, but behind closed doors 130 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 2: you know, Mika, you're the issue. You're the problem anything 131 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 2: if there's something between them too, I've become the problem 132 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 2: even if I'm not the problem. 133 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: Okay, so let me ask you this, What made you 134 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,320 Speaker 1: the black sheep? Where did you get that from? Because 135 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: that's old. 136 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,480 Speaker 2: It's I'm the. 137 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: Black sheep because. 138 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,559 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm the black sheep because I like to really 139 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,800 Speaker 2: speak truth. I wanted to get to the core of 140 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 2: an issue they like to keep on the surface. What else, 141 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:45,640 Speaker 2: I'm the black sheep because I'm the black sheep because 142 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 2: Tmika doesn't know anythings. 143 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,199 Speaker 1: So I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Is that it? 144 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, they think they know me, but they really 145 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 2: don't really know me. And all I can say is 146 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 2: thing got that before my mom died, for those six 147 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 2: five years almost she was able to know me. She 148 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 2: was able to know who I was, and the relationship 149 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 2: became different. I really I hope I don't sound like 150 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,840 Speaker 2: I'm the victim because I'm really not trying to play 151 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:14,439 Speaker 2: a Vista the role. 152 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,679 Speaker 1: But no, you're not the victim. You're the black sheep. 153 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,560 Speaker 1: You're the black sheet. Now what makes him the golden child? 154 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 2: Because he's PJ that's his nickname, but he's PJ. He 155 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 2: whatever he says, it's golden. You know, like Taanika's been 156 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 2: working in marketing, communications and TV production for years, but 157 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 2: he comes in and he has done something in marketing 158 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 2: as well, which is still good. But because it's him, Oh, 159 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 2: it seals the deal. It has gold on it, it 160 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 2: has its shimmered with gold. Whatever he says, it just 161 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 2: comes out to fruish and Tamika. He kind of ruffles 162 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 2: out feathers. That makes us feel quite uncomfortable. 163 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 1: Is it possibly because he's the baby. 164 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 2: It could see. Oh, I mean it definitely could be. 165 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 2: I would say, like in high school and stuff, it 166 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 2: was the same way. Like, for example, got to the 167 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,440 Speaker 2: point where if I needed a ride to Waldorf to 168 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 2: go to work, I had to pay him for gas money, 169 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 2: and he had a car and my car was down. 170 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 2: I'd pay my parents are gas meaning so it's kind 171 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 2: of like I can't. It's kind of like they would 172 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 2: do things for him, but they would not do it for. 173 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: Me because you're stupid. You are stupid enough to give 174 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: your brother gas money. 175 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 2: You know. It's like it's kind of like, well, I 176 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 2: would have to do it for my parents. It's kind 177 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 2: of like him. It was different. They didn't have them 178 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 2: to shoot with him. For some reason. They gave him. 179 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,840 Speaker 2: He gave them a comfortable ride, I guess. But for me, 180 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 2: I did not make them feel comfortable. I guess that's 181 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 2: how I would. I would definitely look at that. 182 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, and because he's the baby. 183 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 3: And because that's because they saw themselves in him. So 184 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 3: they would both say, oh, you know, your brother's like me. Yeah, 185 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 3: your brother's like me. The mom would say that, Dad 186 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,480 Speaker 3: would say that, your brother's like me, you're like your mother, 187 00:10:57,679 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 3: You're like your father. I'm the one that they don't 188 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 3: really want. They see things in me that I guess 189 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 3: remind them of the other spousand. 190 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: You know, I was the one they didn't want. Wow, 191 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: that's deep, and that's in your heart. I'm the one 192 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,360 Speaker 1: they didn't want. They wanted him, they don't want me. 193 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 1: Now he doesn't want me. 194 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 2: Kind of Yeah. I felt that once my mom died. 195 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,080 Speaker 2: It was like the spirit of what I felt from 196 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 2: my mom years ago, of sessoning God to to have 197 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 2: a mother relationship with her, and once I was able 198 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 2: to get it, God trunk. It's that feeling of not 199 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 2: being good enough. 200 00:11:51,040 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 1: It's well, your mother raised him. So all of those 201 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,560 Speaker 1: old ideas that she may have had about you, about 202 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: you being the black sheep ruffling the feathers, everything is 203 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,360 Speaker 1: your fault. It's your job to fix it. Maybe she 204 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 1: didn't get a chance to correct that in his hard 205 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 1: drive before she left him. 206 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 2: No, she didn't, and she saw it. Yeah. 207 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's where he's operating from. 208 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,600 Speaker 2: I'm trying not to go back there in the test, 209 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,280 Speaker 2: Panti Yama. 210 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: But that's where you live. Everything you said. You talk 211 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,559 Speaker 1: to me about high school, you talk to me about 212 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 1: being a teenager. You didn't talk to me anything about 213 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: present day. You are in the past, and that's why 214 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:44,440 Speaker 1: you're experiencing what you're experiencing, because you bring in the 215 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: past with you into this current moment. 216 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,040 Speaker 2: What I feel like every time I feel like I've 217 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 2: learned something or grown or for gay to another level 218 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,079 Speaker 2: than life, she comes in and it takes me back, 219 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,200 Speaker 2: like I felt like I was able to have a 220 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 2: level of protection where I lived my life before I 221 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 2: had kids and before I got married. I lived my 222 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 2: life and I waited until thirtie years oldcause I wasn't 223 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 2: really sure up on the kids. I wasn't real struggling 224 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,320 Speaker 2: to get married, and I feel like I had a 225 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 2: level of protection there. And then I get married and 226 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 2: then I have kids, and then it's like, I'm so 227 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 2: family oriented that, you know, I want my family to 228 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 2: be connected, and so, you know where I didn't go 229 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,040 Speaker 2: to the house that my father isn't today because I 230 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,080 Speaker 2: was raised in it and to me, it didn't feel 231 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 2: like a home and bring back very bad memories. But 232 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,080 Speaker 2: I was willing to look past that because I wanted 233 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 2: my children to have relationship with my father. You know, like, 234 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 2: I don't know. I think I had a decent life. 235 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 2: I think I was psychologically emotionally abused, and I think 236 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 2: they did what they thought was best at the time. 237 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 2: But it seems like because of having these kids and 238 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,719 Speaker 2: having a husband, it's opening up doors that I can 239 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,439 Speaker 2: no longer control, and it's making me so vulnerable and 240 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 2: bringing back things that I thought that I had handled, 241 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 2: but now I have to handle on a different level. 242 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 2: And I don't know what to do. And I just 243 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,000 Speaker 2: want peace with them myself because I know that I 244 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 2: can't control no one else but meat. 245 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: Huh, take a breath. We'll talk more about it when 246 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 1: we come back, Welcome back, I am I'm learing this 247 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,320 Speaker 1: is the r spot. Do you cook? 248 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 2: Yes? 249 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: Have you ever cut an onion? 250 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? 251 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: And when you cut an onion and half, what do 252 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: you see? 253 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's a sometimes you have a white feel motive 254 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,760 Speaker 2: it or sometimes a very strong smell that can make 255 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,240 Speaker 2: you cry mm hmm. 256 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: But do you see the layers? Yes, if you cut 257 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 1: an onion, it has that skin on it, right, and 258 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: you peel that skin off that's on the surface. Now 259 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 1: you've got this little white ball. And if you peel 260 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: that off, it's over there and it's doing its thing. 261 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: But you still got a little white ball. So baby, 262 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 1: you are just peeling layers and under every layer doesn't 263 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: mean that the piece that you peeled off isn't good 264 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,440 Speaker 1: and useful. It just means you got some more layers 265 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,720 Speaker 1: to go through. That's all that means. 266 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,400 Speaker 2: I thought, of forty three, I'll be finished with the layers. 267 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: Well I'm seventy. I'm seventy and I still got the 268 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 1: brown skin on the outside of my onion. Ness. 269 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 2: I guess maybe I thought it's twenty five years old. 270 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 2: Reading your books, I thought learning to Forgive that I 271 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 2: was forgiving, But I guess you know. 272 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 1: Well, see, you may have done the forgiveness work, but 273 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:38,320 Speaker 1: you haven't experienced forgiveness yet. There's a difference in doing 274 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: the work of forgiveness and experiencing forgiveness. What do you mean, 275 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: had you truly experienced forgiveness? Meaning get deep down in there, 276 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: go to the core of the onion, because that's where 277 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: the stink is. That's what makes you cry. It's not 278 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: the layers, it's the core. The core is what makes 279 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 1: you cry. And if you get down in there, deep enough, 280 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: down into the stink of it, you experience Oh, okay, 281 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 1: that's who they were, that's how they were, That's who 282 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,840 Speaker 1: I was, that's how I was. This is who they are, 283 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 1: and that's how they are. This is who I am, 284 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: And it's all okay, it's all okay. That's what the 285 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 1: experience of forgiveness is. Let me tell you about my brother, 286 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 1: my older brother. He was sixteen, cross addicted to drugs 287 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: and alcohol, brilliant, beautiful man, but his core was so stinky, 288 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 1: his relationship with my father, his image of himself. And 289 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: I was the baby, and I was the healthiest one 290 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 1: in the room most of the time. So like you, 291 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: it was always my job to fix stuff. But I 292 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: was also stupid. I was also dumb. I also ruffle 293 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 1: feathers because I was clairvoyant and Claire audience, and I 294 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:13,880 Speaker 1: could see through their shenanigations. And I had the misguided 295 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: gift of speaking it out loud instead of keeping my 296 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:24,479 Speaker 1: during mouth shutting. Yeah, So all through his life, I 297 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,600 Speaker 1: was always saving my brother, picking him up, bringing him 298 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 1: to live with me. Blah blah blah blah blah. He 299 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: would call me every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every New Year, 300 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: sometime on my birthday, high as a kite or drunk, 301 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:44,959 Speaker 1: either one, and want to rehash our childhood. And I 302 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: had done my work, so I didn't see my father 303 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: the way he did. I didn't see our upbringing the 304 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: way he did. So one year I said to him, 305 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,360 Speaker 1: if the only thing you want to do is call 306 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,960 Speaker 1: me and talk about Daddy and Aunt Nancy and all 307 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: of these people, I don't call me. Don't call me 308 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,480 Speaker 1: and ruin my Christmas, my Thanksgiving and my birthday with 309 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:13,680 Speaker 1: these stories because I don't see it like that. He said, 310 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 1: you know, you so stupid, get on my nerves and 311 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 1: he hung up, and I didn't see my brother for 312 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 1: five years, five years? 313 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:25,200 Speaker 2: How did that make you feel? 314 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: How did it make me feel? 315 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:27,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? 316 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: Initially I was angry that he couldn't see it the 317 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 1: way I saw it. And then I was hurt that 318 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: he didn't appreciate all that I had given to him 319 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: and done for him. And then I got clear that 320 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,160 Speaker 1: it wasn't about him, it was about me. And then 321 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 1: I did my work, and over the course of the 322 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,720 Speaker 1: five years, I got to the place where I said, 323 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: my brother is an addict, my brother is a wounded 324 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:04,199 Speaker 1: little boy, and I will I will never understand the 325 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,159 Speaker 1: depth of his pain. All I can do is have 326 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,880 Speaker 1: compassion for him. And then I got to the point 327 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: where I could say I loved my brother just as 328 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 1: he is. Nothing about him needs to change. Because I 329 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:27,200 Speaker 1: experienced forgiveness, not of him, but of myself. And in 330 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: one day. It was his birthday, March thirty first, two 331 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:35,160 Speaker 1: thousand and two. On his birthday, my mother raised us, 332 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,719 Speaker 1: we never worked on our birthday. He went out on 333 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: his birthday and got high and had a heart attack 334 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 1: on the eve of his fiftieth birthday. I had experience forgiveness, 335 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,119 Speaker 1: and I accepted my brother just as he was for 336 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: who he was, and made the choices about how I 337 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: was going to participate in our relationship. He could ask 338 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: me anything and I would give it to him, but 339 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 1: I wouldn't put money in his hand. Can you hear me? 340 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:07,720 Speaker 2: Yeah? 341 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: You got to accept your brother just as he is 342 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,240 Speaker 1: for who he is and choose to participate or not. 343 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: Your mother raised him with some distorted ideas about you 344 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: and never got to heal that in his hard drive 345 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: before she left. So he's functioning with some distorted ideas 346 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: and the only way those are going to change is 347 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: if he chooses to change them, and if you are 348 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,400 Speaker 1: willing to make the effort to let him know who 349 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 1: you are today. It's not who you were as a teenager. 350 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 2: Like I'm composing in my head because I'm thinking, like 351 00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 2: I thought we had this relationship. I thought we had 352 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,639 Speaker 2: this closeness. But now that go back, I look at 353 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 2: it as I did a lot of things for him, 354 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,080 Speaker 2: and I'm quite sure that he was appreciative of it. 355 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,280 Speaker 2: But I never asked or anything from him because I'm not. 356 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 2: I just never did. No reason why. So I feel 357 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,479 Speaker 2: like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that I 358 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,719 Speaker 2: thought I happened. Maybe I just never really had it 359 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 2: I just created in my head. 360 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 1: H yeah, that is quite common that we're having a 361 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: relationship with somebody that's different than the relationship they are 362 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,240 Speaker 1: having with us. And you spoke it right out of 363 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: your mouth. You did a lot of things for him 364 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,840 Speaker 1: because it was your fault and it was your job 365 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,919 Speaker 1: to fix it. That was the role you chose in 366 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 1: the family. It was your fault. He's the golden child. 367 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,399 Speaker 1: I'm the black sheep, are you right, And it's my 368 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: job to fix it. He never asked you for that stuff, 369 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: but he'll ask you for some gas money. Oh yeah, 370 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: you holding him responsible for what you made up and 371 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 1: what you did based on the chip in your hard drive. 372 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: I'm the black sheet, piece of golden child. It's my fault. 373 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: It's my job to fix it, based on your role 374 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: in the family. Of course, he doesn't know who you 375 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,879 Speaker 1: are now because you haven't shown up. It's who you 376 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: are now. You've shown up as who he knew you 377 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:11,679 Speaker 1: to be as a teenager. 378 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,919 Speaker 2: No, and I kind of said things like that when 379 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 2: I saw certain things, but it was more so it 380 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,240 Speaker 2: was just a lie. And then then after that it's like, Okay, 381 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 2: I don't want to go in the argument of oh, 382 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,159 Speaker 2: you're lying. I know you're lying. You know I'm not. No, 383 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,200 Speaker 2: I'm not, like, I don't do that. So I just like, okay, 384 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 2: I leave alone because it's like, I can't make someone 385 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,960 Speaker 2: be honest with me. They don't want to be honest 386 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:30,119 Speaker 2: with me. 387 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: Honesty isn't based on your perception of what's going on. 388 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: Even though you know they're lying, though, but maybe it's 389 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 1: not a lie in their brain. Maybe it's not a 390 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:46,680 Speaker 1: lie to him, Okay. And it's not so much what 391 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:50,480 Speaker 1: you say, beloved, it's how you say it, how you 392 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 1: say it, And the minute you make somebody wrong, they're 393 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: going to go on the defensive. 394 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 2: Yeah. 395 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 1: And once they become defensive, you know, you're like shocked 396 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:05,240 Speaker 1: because I'm like, you're on the defensive and nobody is 397 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:09,600 Speaker 1: even attacking you, but you are in your speaking because 398 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: you're functioning from the black sheep posture, and whatever your 399 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: position is in the matter, it's going to determine how 400 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:23,640 Speaker 1: you see it. Okay, So what do we do now? 401 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:33,640 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back 402 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,440 Speaker 1: to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 403 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,920 Speaker 1: It could very well be that you're having you had 404 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,200 Speaker 1: a relationship with him that he's not having with you. 405 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I mean it's like little things that they 406 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,679 Speaker 2: put their pictures up, family puts on the wall, and 407 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,359 Speaker 2: I was like, hey, my husband's not in any of 408 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 2: the pictures. And three years later then they bought a house, 409 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,879 Speaker 2: they added more pictures, and still no pictures, but they 410 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 2: added more other people. 411 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,280 Speaker 1: But did you ask him, did you forget the picture 412 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:04,159 Speaker 1: with booboo in it? Whatever your husband's you forgot to 413 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: picture with booboo in it? 414 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:06,720 Speaker 2: No? I didn't ask. 415 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,639 Speaker 1: But why is that important to you that your brother 416 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: doesn't have a picture on his wall in his house 417 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,080 Speaker 1: with your husband in it? Why is that important? 418 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:20,880 Speaker 2: I guess it was important because it's important because it's like, honestly, 419 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 2: it's like it's a fake and phony thing, and I 420 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 2: want it to be not fake and phony. 421 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 1: No judgment, judgment. It's not important to him, so why 422 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,359 Speaker 1: should he put it on the wall in his house. 423 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,120 Speaker 1: It's not important to him. It's important to you, it's 424 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,120 Speaker 1: not important to him. So in essence, my love, you're 425 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:43,640 Speaker 1: doing the very same thing to him that he does 426 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:48,080 Speaker 1: to you. You make what's important to you his priority. 427 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,080 Speaker 2: Well, I'm trying to figure out where my place is 428 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 2: and see that me mean, because it's so fake, it's 429 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:55,680 Speaker 2: so phony. 430 00:24:55,840 --> 00:25:01,440 Speaker 1: It's like, from your perspective, it's fake in phony to you. 431 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,879 Speaker 1: From your perspective. It was crazy to me that my 432 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,320 Speaker 1: brother would stick a needlefull of heroine in his arm. 433 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:14,879 Speaker 1: I don't even drink. That was freaking insane to me 434 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:20,359 Speaker 1: that my brother, this beautiful, brilliant man who could add 435 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,679 Speaker 1: columns and columns of numbers in his head. He was 436 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 1: a mathematical genius, and he would put heroin in his arm. 437 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,840 Speaker 1: So from where I'm sitting, that is crazy. But I 438 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 1: didn't know what was in the core of his onion. 439 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,000 Speaker 1: I didn't know. 440 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't know what's to dunk. 441 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:46,200 Speaker 1: So I had to stop expecting his onion. The smell 442 00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:47,119 Speaker 1: like my union. 443 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,520 Speaker 2: What happened to other people? 444 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 1: It hurts you, that's because you taking on. Like I said, 445 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 1: I made a simple request of my brother, don't call 446 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,400 Speaker 1: here talking that I don't want to hear it no more. 447 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: He didn't want to hear that from me, so he 448 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,280 Speaker 1: hung up and separated himself for five years. So be it. 449 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,600 Speaker 1: You can't have it both ways. You can't stand in 450 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: what you value and then expect other people to line 451 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 1: up with it if they don't value the same things. 452 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,400 Speaker 2: I just I just thought that when you genuinely care 453 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 2: for someone and you want that relationship with that person, 454 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,960 Speaker 2: you all can sometimes agree to disagree. You have a talk, 455 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,919 Speaker 2: so you often come to a common ground. 456 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: But that may not be what he wants, or it 457 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 1: may not be the way he wants it. And it's okay. 458 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,879 Speaker 1: I want you to do. You have a pencil and 459 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:49,280 Speaker 1: a piece of paper, Yes, write this down. I want 460 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 1: you to write down two things. First thing, I'm gonna 461 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:59,160 Speaker 1: spell it for you, okay, okay, s E now if 462 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 1: that's the first word. Second word r I g h 463 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:13,919 Speaker 1: T e O U else what is that? Spell? 464 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,440 Speaker 2: Self? Rightous? 465 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 1: Uh huh? Makes you blind? 466 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 2: Uh? Yeah? 467 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,439 Speaker 1: Now you think that everybody sees it the way you 468 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,719 Speaker 1: see it, baby, They don't. He's got a malfunction in 469 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 1: his hard drive. Based on the way you all were raised. 470 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,920 Speaker 1: You've grown up, done some work, stretched in, but you're 471 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 1: still a functioning from that place, and you think everybody's 472 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 1: gonna see it the way you see it. They don't. 473 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,280 Speaker 1: Your mother didn't, your father doesn't. He doesn't, your brother I. 474 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,919 Speaker 2: Don't mean to be self rightous. 475 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:52,879 Speaker 1: Well, just something for you to consider. Just that's not 476 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. It's based 477 00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:01,960 Speaker 1: on our next word. Okay, write this down? What is 478 00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: my now? I'm a spell this word? P O S 479 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:16,280 Speaker 1: I T I. Oh. And what is my what? What 480 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,440 Speaker 1: is my position? 481 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 2: Position? 482 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: What is my position? Am I being self righteous? Am 483 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,640 Speaker 1: I expecting somebody to see it the way I see it? 484 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,919 Speaker 1: Do I think my opinion is better than theirs or 485 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,639 Speaker 1: stronger than theirs? Am I trying to get them to 486 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:33,600 Speaker 1: see what I see? 487 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:34,399 Speaker 2: Well? 488 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got to ask those things. 489 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 2: I get it. Yeah, I guess I being self righteous 490 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 2: because I thought that the love was the same more 491 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,840 Speaker 2: when we were both on the same level of having 492 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 2: that love and relationship that I thought that we had 493 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 2: years ago, and that now that we're married and we 494 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 2: have kids that were close in age, and because we're 495 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 2: in the same state and we grew up with a 496 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 2: big family being closed, I thought that he would want 497 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,840 Speaker 2: the same things. 498 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:05,640 Speaker 1: Have you ever asked it? 499 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,840 Speaker 2: No? Because things kind of stay on the surface. Mm hm. 500 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,040 Speaker 2: Because it seems like if I go below the surface, 501 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 2: a ruffle feathers and I'm kind of tied a rufference. 502 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:21,960 Speaker 1: Who appointed you to be the surface digger? Nobody asked 503 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 1: you to go below the beneath the surface. 504 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 2: It's just who I am. I like to stay below 505 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 2: the surface, but I'm trying to I've learned, I guess 506 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 2: in my early thirties that I go quite deep sometimes 507 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 2: and sometimes you don't want to go deep. 508 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, right, And so. 509 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 2: I'm trying to learn to stay on the surface to me, 510 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 2: because some people just don't want that deepness. 511 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:46,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's self righteousness. I go deep and they 512 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: want to stay on the surface. How about it. I 513 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: have a different consciousness than they do. What's my position? 514 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: I'm looking straight up with my hands outreached and they 515 00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,959 Speaker 1: looking out. They left eye with one hand and they pocket. 516 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:03,600 Speaker 1: Not right, not wrong, not good, not bad, just different. 517 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,960 Speaker 1: You call it deep in surface? 518 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 2: Yes, well I thought I was them. 519 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,040 Speaker 1: No, you're calling it surface. And it may just be 520 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 1: their capacity based on what's in their hard drive. You 521 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,680 Speaker 1: call it surface and deep. It may just be about capacity. 522 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: Oh God, okay, oh God is right. Let me tell 523 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,600 Speaker 1: you something, and you want to talk about deep. I 524 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 1: can sit in a room with people and read them 525 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,880 Speaker 1: like a book. Tell you what color drawers they got 526 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,440 Speaker 1: on and who they screwing and what they did and 527 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:38,840 Speaker 1: when they lie and tell them. You can't go around 528 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:43,560 Speaker 1: talking to people like that because compassionately, I know they're 529 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 1: at their capacity. This is what they can handle. Not right, 530 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,120 Speaker 1: not wrong. Everybody isn't clairvoyant. Everybody doesn't have to give 531 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:57,320 Speaker 1: to die. So I'm not going to impose my perspective 532 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,560 Speaker 1: on everybody. Get to choose. 533 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:07,000 Speaker 2: Wow. Okay, I look at things with my parents from 534 00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:09,239 Speaker 2: the past. They did what they thought was best at 535 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 2: that moment, you know, at that point, and so that 536 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 2: way I didn't you know, I was trying to find 537 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,400 Speaker 2: ways to not carry that on and look at them 538 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 2: as being human too, because they had to. They had 539 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:21,840 Speaker 2: their own separate journey. 540 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:29,120 Speaker 1: Respect their capacity and don't be righteous about where you are. Wow, 541 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: and don't see them as less than, and don't see 542 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,280 Speaker 1: you as more than. Don't see them as wrong or right. 543 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:43,160 Speaker 1: Write this down, h I s underline that. Okay, what 544 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,720 Speaker 1: is not what I want, what it should be, what 545 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: I think it should be, what they should be doing. No, no, no, 546 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:54,240 Speaker 1: this is what it is. It is this. I'm having 547 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 1: a relationship with my brother that he is not having 548 00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,560 Speaker 1: with me. Okay, let me see what kind of relationship 549 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:03,040 Speaker 1: he is with me, and let me shift my position 550 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:08,240 Speaker 1: or how I want to participate. Okay, this work is 551 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,760 Speaker 1: your work to do. Belove it. I really want you 552 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 1: to look at self righteousness, not from a condemnation. I 553 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,280 Speaker 1: want you to look at how you think or how 554 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,920 Speaker 1: you may expect people to see everything the way you 555 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:25,800 Speaker 1: see it, do it the way you do it, feel 556 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:27,840 Speaker 1: it the way you feel it. That's a form of 557 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:32,200 Speaker 1: self righteousness. Okay, whenever you get in that place, look 558 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,080 Speaker 1: at Okay, what is my position? What am I saying 559 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: should be happening, What am I saying isn't happening, What 560 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,400 Speaker 1: am I thinking they're doing? What is my position? Because 561 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:46,320 Speaker 1: your position is going to determine how you see the experience. 562 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:48,920 Speaker 1: And then I want you to learn to look at 563 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: what is going on and make a clear choice about 564 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:58,400 Speaker 1: how you want to participate, if you want to participate. 565 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: Because I hear everything that you're saying. But I got 566 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:06,640 Speaker 1: two things in mind. Your brother has a malfunction in 567 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,320 Speaker 1: the chip in his hard drive as it relates to you, 568 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: and that you function from the position of he's the 569 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:16,880 Speaker 1: golden child, you're the black sheep. It's your fault and 570 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: it's your job to fix everything. And finally be willing 571 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 1: to let five years go and you don't speak to. 572 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:30,840 Speaker 2: Your mother, afraid, afraid that if I just let go, 573 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 2: let go meaning of the outcome of it, what happens 574 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:38,600 Speaker 2: and it hurts me to my core. 575 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,880 Speaker 1: Well let it hurt and weep about it, cry about it, 576 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:50,880 Speaker 1: and then forgive yourself, not your brother, yourself, forgive yourself 577 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,880 Speaker 1: for making stuff up. Work with those things that I've 578 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,400 Speaker 1: given you. And I promise you if you if you 579 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:01,760 Speaker 1: shift everything that's going to shift, and stop being the 580 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,640 Speaker 1: durned black sheet, go get your red dress or something. 581 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:07,400 Speaker 2: I'll do that. I'm going to look at how I 582 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:12,400 Speaker 2: see myself. I'll figure that out. Because I feel uncomfortable 583 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,000 Speaker 2: around them, my brother and my father, I do. I 584 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,400 Speaker 2: don't feel safe, so I do put a burial one. 585 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,840 Speaker 2: I guess when I get around them, it's like I 586 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,359 Speaker 2: have to put this, you know, kind of armor one 587 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 2: to protect myself emotionally from them. 588 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,560 Speaker 1: Well, no wonder they can't get in to learn who 589 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:29,520 Speaker 1: you are today? 590 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:34,879 Speaker 2: Well, yeah, wow, do some work. 591 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,360 Speaker 1: Give me a call in a couple of weeks and 592 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:39,960 Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Thank you, auntie, jama 593 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,839 Speaker 1: I will okay, sweetie, all right, and go back to forgiveness, 594 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:45,560 Speaker 1: go back to that book. 595 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 2: Thank yoga. Wow. 596 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:55,840 Speaker 1: There are two important things to understand when we're experiencing 597 00:34:55,840 --> 00:35:00,600 Speaker 1: a breakdown or some level of discord in and even relationship. 598 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:06,560 Speaker 1: The first thing is this, your position in the matter 599 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:10,640 Speaker 1: will determine how you perceive the matter, how you stand 600 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:14,480 Speaker 1: in the matter, how you address the matter. Your position 601 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,439 Speaker 1: determines your perspective. That's number one. Here's number two. It's 602 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:26,200 Speaker 1: all about you, boo. It's all about you. It's always 603 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: about you, no matter what is going on. The other 604 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,399 Speaker 1: person may never change. The other person may never see 605 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:35,920 Speaker 1: it your way even though you're right. But if you 606 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:41,359 Speaker 1: don't shift your position about the need to be right, 607 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,960 Speaker 1: about seeing it your way about what they need to do. 608 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: If you're not willing to shift your position, that doesn't 609 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,799 Speaker 1: have anything to do with them. It's all about you, 610 00:35:54,920 --> 00:36:00,000 Speaker 1: and the discord will continue until you handle your pisiness. 611 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:03,880 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if 612 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 613 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,120 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 614 00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:15,440 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to 615 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,960 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 616 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:28,840 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 617 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,920 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 618 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 619 00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:42,839 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 620 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:43,720 Speaker 1: favorite shows.