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Speaker 1: You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You

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Speaker 1: can only inspire them into change. You can only engage

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Speaker 1: them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws,

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Speaker 1: you pointing out all their weaknesses, isn't going to solve

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Speaker 1: the problem. The number one health and wellness podcast Jay

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Speaker 1: Setty Jay Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,

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Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to

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Speaker 1: each and every one of you that come back every

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Speaker 1: week to listen, learn and grow. Now. Today's episode is

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Speaker 1: inspired by so many conversations I've had this week, whether

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Speaker 1: it's with friends, family members, clients, people I've been talking to,

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Speaker 1: and what I've realized is that there's this feeling of

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Speaker 1: am I settling. I know a lot of people in

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Speaker 1: relationships right now who are not sure whether they're with

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Speaker 1: the right person and whether they're with their person, or

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Speaker 1: whether they're with a person that they want to spend

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Speaker 1: the rest of their life with. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: they're worried about being alone. They're concerned about having to

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Speaker 1: be out there again. A lot of people are nervous

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Speaker 1: and anxious around dating right now. And I know you're

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Speaker 1: either one of those people or you know one of

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Speaker 1: those people, or you're thinking of someone right now. And

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Speaker 1: this general belief around subtle settling is if you don't

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Speaker 1: feel passionate for your partner anymore, or you don't feel

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Speaker 1: excited about them anymore. And I want to really look

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Speaker 1: at that closely, because I don't believe that a lack

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Speaker 1: of excitement currently or a lack of passion currently are

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Speaker 1: good enough signs that you're settling. And I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about how passion and excitement can actually be created

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Speaker 1: and also be lost and diminished. So this episode is

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Speaker 1: for you or your friend if you think someone's settling.

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Speaker 1: This episode is for you if you want to make

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Speaker 1: sure you never settle and know what it takes to

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Speaker 1: create a healthy, meaningful relationship. And this episode is for

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Speaker 1: you if you just feel like you've lost the spark,

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Speaker 1: you've lost your way, and you want to get it back.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a set of questions that

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Speaker 1: are going to help you reflect through this. You can

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Speaker 1: even share this episode with a friend, or you can

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Speaker 1: discuss it with them and answer these questions together. So

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Speaker 1: the first question to figure out whether you're subtle settling.

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Speaker 1: And I think this subtle settling point is really important

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Speaker 1: because you know when you're settling, right, when you've like

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Speaker 1: totally settled and you're like, oh, I'm really compromising here,

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Speaker 1: But subtle settling is this idea of well, I kind

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Speaker 1: of don't know, I'm not really sure. Maybe it will

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Speaker 1: be okay. And that's why these questions are so important.

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Speaker 1: So the first question is do you feel like you

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Speaker 1: can truly be yourself? Now? What does it mean to

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Speaker 1: be yourself? This is a really important question for you

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Speaker 1: to answer on your own. What do you think it

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Speaker 1: means to be yourself? Does it mean to be goofy?

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Speaker 1: Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to

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Speaker 1: be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep

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Speaker 1: and profound? Does it mean to be both of those things?

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Speaker 1: I was talking to a friend the other day and

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Speaker 1: she was saying that this guy that she's kind of

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Speaker 1: seeing just started following her on Instagram, and she was

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Speaker 1: scared because on Instagram she feels like she's really herself.

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Speaker 1: She's funny, she's silly, she's goofy. And she was thinking,

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Speaker 1: oh gosh, now that he follows me, is that going

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Speaker 1: to affect our dating? And then she realized she said, well,

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Speaker 1: actually it's good that he's seeing it, because then he

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Speaker 1: knows the real me. He knows who he's going to

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Speaker 1: come home to, he knows who he's going to catch

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Speaker 1: up with, he knows the kind of person I truly am,

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Speaker 1: And if he doesn't want to be with that version

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Speaker 1: of me, then it's going to be hard for him

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Speaker 1: to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence,

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Speaker 1: It takes a lot of courage to be able to

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Speaker 1: say that, but it is true. How many of you,

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Speaker 1: and be honest with yourself, how many of you have

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Speaker 1: hidden parts of yourself so that people like you more?

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Speaker 1: How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so

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Speaker 1: that people like you more? How many of you have limited,

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Speaker 1: held back, given less of yourself so that people like

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Speaker 1: you more. We mold, we shape shift, we transform because

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Speaker 1: we want people to like us. But in that process

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Speaker 1: we diminish, lose, and restrict parts of our best selves.

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Speaker 1: And what we don't realize is the person we want

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Speaker 1: to be with will like us for all of us,

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Speaker 1: and be okay with the parts that they don't like

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Speaker 1: but recognize they're a part of us, as opposed to

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Speaker 1: trying to find someone who likes certain things about us.

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Speaker 1: And doesn't even know about the other things about us.

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Speaker 1: And I know it's hard. We want that person in

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Speaker 1: our life so bad. We're so attracted to them, were

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Speaker 1: such people pleases. We want that person to like us,

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Speaker 1: no matter what the cost is. But we don't realize

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Speaker 1: that we lose ourselves by trying to get someone else

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Speaker 1: to like us. We lose ourselves by trying to get

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Speaker 1: someone else to love us. We lose ourselves by trying

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Speaker 1: to find someone else. And so I want to remind you,

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Speaker 1: can you be all parts of yourself with this individual.

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Speaker 1: And here's the important part. They don't have to understand

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Speaker 1: all of you. They don't even have to like all

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Speaker 1: of it. They just have to know that that's who

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Speaker 1: you are. They have to be okay with it. And

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Speaker 1: we have to have the same back. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's one of the things we've lost. We think that

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Speaker 1: the person that loves us will love all of us. Now,

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Speaker 1: the truth is that someone can love all of you

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Speaker 1: but still not resonate with all of you and may

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Speaker 1: not understand all of it. And that's natural. But you

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Speaker 1: have to feel like you can be yourself, and you

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Speaker 1: have to feel like you're allowing that person to be themselves,

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Speaker 1: because I think one of the things we miss out

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Speaker 1: on is we don't realize the amount of pressure we

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Speaker 1: put on someone else to also behave in ways that

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Speaker 1: we like. We don't realize how much pressure and judgment

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Speaker 1: we place on others that they're scared of showing that

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Speaker 1: part of themselves. I have a guy friend of mine

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Speaker 1: who's so scared of showing his softer, vulnerable side because

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Speaker 1: he thinks his partner just wants the alpha, wants the

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Speaker 1: kind of like tough exterior version of him. Now, I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying that he's read his partner right or that

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Speaker 1: he's sure about that, but it's interesting that he also

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Speaker 1: feels that he's holding parts of himself back because they're

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Speaker 1: not invited. What parts of your partner are you not

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Speaker 1: inviting for what parts of your partner are you not

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Speaker 1: allowing to come through? Think about that? So, are you

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Speaker 1: being all of yourself? And are you allowing your partner

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Speaker 1: to be all of themselves? That's an important part of

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Speaker 1: recognizing you're not settling. Point number two, Do you discuss

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Speaker 1: important things in a healthy way? Now, so many of

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Speaker 1: us have got so used to drama, We've got so

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Speaker 1: used to anxiety. We've got so used to arguments that

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Speaker 1: if you're having peaceful, thoughtful discussions, we undervalue them, we

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Speaker 1: underestimate them. We think, where's the drama, where's the passion? Right?

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Speaker 1: It's interesting how when you're having a debate, there's passion

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Speaker 1: can be exciting, can even be exhilarating. When you're having

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Speaker 1: an argument, that can be kind of like a turn on.

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Speaker 1: But we don't realize that if all of that's done

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Speaker 1: in an unhealthy way, then that passion we're also feeling

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Speaker 1: is somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes times, peace doesn't feel like passion.

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Speaker 1: Peace feels like security, Peace feels like stability, Peace feels

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Speaker 1: like sreness. Peace feels like energizing but not necessarily intoxicating.

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Speaker 1: And I think so many of us have got lost

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Speaker 1: in that belief of wanting something intoxicating that we lose

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Speaker 1: the thing that's energizing and enlivening. So do you discuss

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Speaker 1: important things in a healthy way? Now, here's what I've

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Speaker 1: realized a lot of the challenges I see in couples

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Speaker 1: can be broken down into two things. The first is

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Speaker 1: one person has unrealistic expectations. Now both people can have

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Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations, but generally I find one person has unrealistic expectations,

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Speaker 1: like I want them to be ambitious and I want

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Speaker 1: them to be available all of the time. Listen up,

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Speaker 1: there is no one who is ambitious who is available

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Speaker 1: all the time. Or we want someone who's super organized

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Speaker 1: and super spontaneous. Those two things don't always go together.

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Speaker 1: Or we want someone who's really really kind and really

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Speaker 1: really caring, but then we also want them to be

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Speaker 1: in control. I'm not saying these things are impossible, but

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Speaker 1: sometimes we have really unrealistic expectations where we've genuinely put

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Speaker 1: two polar opposite values and demands into place, And now

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Speaker 1: when our partners one of them, we're like, well, wait

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Speaker 1: a minute, why you're not the other? And then when

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Speaker 1: the partners the other one, we're like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: why are you're not the other thing? And that just

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Speaker 1: goes on and on and on, and it just keeps

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Speaker 1: repeating itself. It keeps going crazy, and it doesn't really

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Speaker 1: help us. So do you discuss important things in a

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Speaker 1: healthy way? Now, that was one of the issues that

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Speaker 1: people have. The other issue that I find is the

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Speaker 1: lack of emotional availability, the lack of vulnerability the lack

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Speaker 1: of being able to things through the lack of having

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Speaker 1: a transparent conversation. What I find is those are generally

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Speaker 1: the roots to a lot of the reasons why we

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Speaker 1: don't have healthy conversations. One is because someone's demanding something unrealistic.

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Speaker 1: The other is because someone's not open enough to have

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Speaker 1: that conversation. I want to throw this out there. If

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Speaker 1: your partner is not good at having vulnerable, open, honest

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Speaker 1: conversations about how they're feeling, you telling them that they're

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Speaker 1: not vulnerable, telling them and targeting them, saying that they're

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Speaker 1: not open, and telling them that they're not curious enough,

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Speaker 1: they're not thoughtful enough, isn't going to inspire them to

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Speaker 1: become that way. We have to learn to inspire our

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Speaker 1: partners to be that person, not interrogate, investigate, and push

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Speaker 1: them to be that person. Most of us are trying

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Speaker 1: to blame our partners into change. We're trying to shame

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Speaker 1: our partners into Change's true story. You can't shame or

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Speaker 1: blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them

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Speaker 1: into change. You can only engage them into change. Right,

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Speaker 1: you can't blame and shame them into change. So you

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Speaker 1: pointing out all their flaws. You pointing out all their

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Speaker 1: weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem. It isn't going

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Speaker 1: to fix the challenge that they're facing. You have to

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Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I inspiring this person? Am I helping

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Speaker 1: them with this change? Am I encouraging them? Or? Really?

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Speaker 1: Am I just becoming their parent? Am I just pushing

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Speaker 1: them around? Am I just forcing them to change? That's

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Speaker 1: not discussing things in a healthy way. We say, wait

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Speaker 1: a minute, I laid out the roadmap for them. I

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Speaker 1: told them exactly what they needed to do. I told

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Speaker 1: them exactly what I wanted. Well, by the way, that

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Speaker 1: doesn't sound like a partnership, It sounds like ownership, right.

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Speaker 1: So I want you to really think about that. If

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Speaker 1: you want your partner to think about something to be

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Speaker 1: as certain way that you think is useful for the relationship,

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Speaker 1: you have to think about how that's inspired, how that's encouraged.

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Speaker 1: That's how a coach thinks. You don't want to fear

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Speaker 1: them into it. You don't want to be an ultimatum

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Speaker 1: right now. At the same time, if you're the person

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Speaker 1: who's looking at your partner and just thinking, wow, they

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Speaker 1: have some unrealistic expectations of me. I'll never be that.

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Speaker 1: I think it's really important to sit them down and

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Speaker 1: have a conversation and say that's not who I plan

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Speaker 1: to be. This is who I plan to be. And

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Speaker 1: by the way, in order to do that, you need

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Speaker 1: to be clear on who you plan to be and

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Speaker 1: a lot of us in order to stay with the

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Speaker 1: person and just keep you know, pacifying them, we're like,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, I'll do that little thing. Oh yeah, y'a'll

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Speaker 1: apply for that job. Oh yeah, y'all work a little

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Speaker 1: harder and guess what. It lasts for a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks and then we don't want to be that person anymore.

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Speaker 1: So don't pretend to say you're going to become someone

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Speaker 1: that you don't want to be because your partner wants

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Speaker 1: you to be them. So much is lost in the

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Speaker 1: pretending to be the person our partner wants us to be,

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Speaker 1: whether it's pretending to be more vulnerable and open, or

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Speaker 1: whether it's pretending to be someone we're not. Now, I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying we go the other way and say I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna change, I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna grow, I'm not gonna evolve. We're trying to inspire change,

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Speaker 1: and we're trying to be honest about how fast we

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Speaker 1: can change. Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and

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Speaker 1: I have had so much fun creating our own sparkling

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Speaker 1: tea Juni and I've got big news for you. It's

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Speaker 1: locator at Drinkjuni dot com and find Juny at a

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Speaker 1: time it near you. Number three to check whether you're

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Speaker 1: subtle settling. Do you respect how they treat you? Do

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Speaker 1: you respect how they talk to you? This isn't like

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Speaker 1: do you do they you know, throw rose pearls at

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Speaker 1: the ground you walk on right? It's do you feel

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Speaker 1: a sense of respect and what do you measure as respect?

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Speaker 1: And do they know that you measure that as a

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Speaker 1: sign of respect. Most of us respect one thing and

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Speaker 1: we measured that thing in our partner. But guess what

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Speaker 1: they respect another thing and they're measuring that So often

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Speaker 1: in our relationships, our respect languages are different. Imagine you're measuring, analyzing,

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Speaker 1: and observing a completely different thing in another person. Imagine

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Speaker 1: someone was observing how you're dressed and the other person's

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Speaker 1: observing your accent. You're both measuring completely different things, and

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Speaker 1: then you're making a decision about whether that person is

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Speaker 1: good or not. That's kind of what we're doing in

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Speaker 1: getting mixed up about respect. If someone respects you, that

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Speaker 1: is probably the greatest form of a relationship possible. That's

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Speaker 1: not settling at all. And I would say that someone

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Speaker 1: respects who you are more than what you achieve. I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of us are after Do our partners

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Speaker 1: respect our achievements? Do our partners respect us when we

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Speaker 1: do something amazing in our career? Do they respect us?

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Speaker 1: Do they validate us? Do they approve what we've achieved,

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Speaker 1: what we've done? Real respect is does that person respect

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Speaker 1: who I am? Do they respect me regardless? Do they

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Speaker 1: respect me? Beyond all of this, I've talked about this before.

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Speaker 1: For a long time in my relationship, my male ego

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Speaker 1: wanted Radi to respect me because of what I achieved.

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Speaker 1: And really, what I realized is I was trying to

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Speaker 1: achieve in order to respect myself, and therefore I wanted

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Speaker 1: her to respect me for that because then I would

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Speaker 1: be worthy enough. And all the time I was missing

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Speaker 1: the point that rather respects me. She's been with me

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Speaker 1: when I've had nothing, she's been with me when I've failed,

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Speaker 1: She's been with me since I've started, and she's been

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Speaker 1: grateful ever since. Isn't that the deepest form of love

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Speaker 1: and respect? So I would ask you to assess that

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Speaker 1: with your partner. Reflect on that number four. Are you

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Speaker 1: scared of being lonely? If you are scared of being

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Speaker 1: lonely and that's why you're staying with your partner, chances

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Speaker 1: are you're subtle settling. And that's a hard truth. It's

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Speaker 1: an inconvenient truth because so many of us are subtle

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Speaker 1: settling because we don't want to be alone. We're scared

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Speaker 1: of not having someone to go home to. We're scared

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Speaker 1: of not having that person that we call when we're

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Speaker 1: on a car journey. We're scared of having to go

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Speaker 1: to sleep on our own, and that fear is creating

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Speaker 1: and forming the basis the foundation of a relationship. Fear

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Speaker 1: is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. I'll say that again.

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Speaker 1: Fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. If fear

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Speaker 1: is the foundation of your relationship, you are subtle, settling.

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Speaker 1: Whatever that fear may be. One of them is the

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Speaker 1: fear of being alone. I was talking to a friend

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Speaker 1: the other day and I said to him, you just

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Speaker 1: have to block that person. He has someone in his

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Speaker 1: life who keeps walking in, keeps walking out, and he

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Speaker 1: loves it because he doesn't want to be alone. And

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Speaker 1: I said, I think it's about time you block them.

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Speaker 1: Like you keep breaking up and getting back together, and

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Speaker 1: breaking up and getting back together, and I can see

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Speaker 1: how unhealthy it is for you. And yes, you're scared

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Speaker 1: of being alone, but you know what's scarier is being

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Speaker 1: in this situation in ten years time. And I said

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Speaker 1: to him, which one are you more scared of? Are

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Speaker 1: you more scared of being alone for the next two years,

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Speaker 1: or are you more scared of being in this situation

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Speaker 1: in seven years time, when you're seven years older and

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Speaker 1: you've lost seven years of your life. And he said,

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Speaker 1: when you put it that way, I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you have to put it that way, right, You have

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Speaker 1: to put your life into perspective. When you look at

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Speaker 1: everything through the next three months, the next three months,

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Speaker 1: the next three months, you'll keep elongating and extending even

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Speaker 1: a bad situation because you're thinking about the next three months.

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Speaker 1: Whereas when you start looking at it through the lens

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Speaker 1: of the next three years, being three years older, three

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Speaker 1: years into your career, three years wiser, three years smarter,

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Speaker 1: and then you look at it, everything's put into perspective.

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Speaker 1: As Wayne Dyer used to say, when you change the

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Speaker 1: way you look at things, the things you look at change.

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Speaker 1: I think often we either look at things too short term,

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Speaker 1: especially in relationships, especially with loneliness. Now. I was talking

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Speaker 1: to a friend the other day about my book Eight

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Speaker 1: Rules of Love. She was reading it and she was

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Speaker 1: saying she really liked the reframing of loneliness to solitude,

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Speaker 1: and she's been exploring what solitude means for her, and

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Speaker 1: I was saying that this is what we need to do.

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Speaker 1: Our mind has created a story around loneliness. You know

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Speaker 1: good enough, you're not worthy, you don't have a plus one.

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Speaker 1: All your friends say things like, oh, we got to

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Speaker 1: find you a person. We can't have you be single

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Speaker 1: for too long. Ah, we got to hook you up. Right,

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Speaker 1: that becomes the rhetoric. So our story around being alone,

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Speaker 1: we have a story around every word. Right. If I

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Speaker 1: say the word fear, you have a story around that.

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Speaker 1: If I say the word power, you have a story

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Speaker 1: around that. If I say the word money, you have

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Speaker 1: a story around that. If I say the word fame,

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Speaker 1: you have a story around that. If I say the

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Speaker 1: word failure, you got a story. And if I say

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Speaker 1: the word success, you've got a story. You and your

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Speaker 1: mind and your thoughts have a story around every word.

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Speaker 1: The goal of our life is to rewrite, retell and

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Speaker 1: reshare our stories around our life. What is the story

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Speaker 1: you want around being alone? Is it that you're lonely

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Speaker 1: or is it that you're in solitude? What is your

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Speaker 1: story around being single? Is it about being empowered or

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Speaker 1: is it that you're not worthy? What is your story

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Speaker 1: about being in a relationship? Is it a necessity or

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Speaker 1: is it something that you're building and nurturing. What is

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Speaker 1: your story about being a failure? Is it that you're

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Speaker 1: not sharing your life with someone, Or is it that

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Speaker 1: failing is not knowing yourself and therefore picking the wrong person.

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Speaker 1: We have to rewrite, retell, redefine what our story around

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Speaker 1: these important words in our life are and love, Love

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Speaker 1: is an important word to think of what our story

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Speaker 1: is about it? What is your story about the word love?

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Speaker 1: Is it that you don't deserve it? Is it that

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Speaker 1: you don't need it? Right? One side is I don't

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Speaker 1: deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance.

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Speaker 1: If I don't need it, I don't need anyone. Notice

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Speaker 1: how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.

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Speaker 1: The bugood Ghita says The bugour Ghita says, attachment and

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Speaker 1: aversion are two sides of the same coin. They're both

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Speaker 1: an addiction. Right, if we hate something or we obsess

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Speaker 1: over it, we're giving it the same energy. But let's

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Speaker 1: tell a better story. Let's tell a smartest story. Let's

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Speaker 1: tell a more thoughtful story about that number five? Do

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Speaker 1: you compare your partner to other people? You're subtle settling

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Speaker 1: if you keep comparing your partner to other people for

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Speaker 1: qualities they'll never have. And when you're making someone feel

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Speaker 1: that way, you're also disintegrating their self esteem and their confidence.

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Speaker 1: You're subtle settling. Move away. If you keep comparing that person, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you want something else, and you may say, oh no,

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Speaker 1: but I don't really mean it, well, don't think about it.

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Speaker 1: Then you're comparing that person because you want them to

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Speaker 1: be more this or less this, more that or less that. Right,

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Speaker 1: more of this and less of that, that's what you want.

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Speaker 1: If you're comparing your partner to some other people, you're

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Speaker 1: sebtle settling. If you're comparing them in a way to

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Speaker 1: fall more in love with them, that's different. Right. If

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Speaker 1: you're comparing them in the sense of like, oh, actually,

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to have this person because you know,

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Speaker 1: I've seen what my friends are going through, that's different.

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Speaker 1: But if you're comparing them on the level of I

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Speaker 1: wish they had that, Oh, look at that person. Their

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Speaker 1: partner's always thinking about them. Their partner organizes the best birthdays,

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Speaker 1: their partner's got the best career, their partner makes more money,

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Speaker 1: their partner has a better career. Their partner, you know,

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Speaker 1: their partner makes time. Whatever it may be, you're so

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Speaker 1: settling or you're not grateful enough, And that's what I

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Speaker 1: want you to reflect on is it that you're settling

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Speaker 1: or is it that you're not grateful? Could be either

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00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:09,760
Speaker 1: or The next principle, number six is do they understand

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Speaker 1: why you are the way you are? And do they

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Speaker 1: take interest? Do they understand the depths of you? Are

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00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,919
Speaker 1: they are trying to understand your context. I said this

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Speaker 1: to someone recently who's asking me for relationship advice. I said,

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Speaker 1: a real relationship is where you've tried to understand not

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Speaker 1: how the person is and how they behave and who

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Speaker 1: they've become. It's how they became that What did they

401
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 1: go through? How did they become that person? Why are

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00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,160
Speaker 1: they that person? Are you curious to understand that? Because

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Speaker 1: I promise you that context will make you connect on

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Speaker 1: a much deeper level. But if you don't have that context,

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Speaker 1: you'll never truly know. So ask yourself, do you know

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Speaker 1: the context of why your partner is the way they are?

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00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 1: And have you shared the context of why you are

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Speaker 1: the way you are? Right? Have you figured that out?

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Speaker 1: It's so important that is not settling if your partner's

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Speaker 1: taking an interest in you, and if you're taking any

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00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 1: interest in them, and if you've started and if you

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Speaker 1: haven't done that. Try it out. I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us expect our partners or people were dating or

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Speaker 1: seek to already have these skills. And actually the purpose

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Speaker 1: of a relationship is that you're both challenged to build

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Speaker 1: these skills. Right. A relationship isn't a relationship where you

417
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: both come in with all these skills. The point is

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Speaker 1: the relationship challenges you to develop these skills. And the

419
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,119
Speaker 1: question you're asking is do I want to develop these

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Speaker 1: skills with this person? And do they want to develop

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Speaker 1: these skills with me? There's two more I want to

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Speaker 1: share with you. Can they tolerate your weaknesses? And can

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Speaker 1: you tolerate theirs? Everyone you meet will have flaws, weaknesses,

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Speaker 1: and make mistakes. The question you're asking yourself is are

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Speaker 1: these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's going

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00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,119
Speaker 1: to have something? Are these the ones I'm comfortable with

427
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Speaker 1: dealing with? Right? There is going to be some mistake,

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00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 1: there's going to be some flo I'm okay with this one,

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Speaker 1: and you're subtle settling. If you're accepting less than you deserve.

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Speaker 1: Of course, if you're going through verbal, emotional, physical abuse,

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Speaker 1: then that isn't something that you negotiate with. Those are

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Speaker 1: non negotiables, and those are based on your self respect.

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Speaker 1: And a big part of it is that subtle settling

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Speaker 1: happens when we don't have a sense of self respect.

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Speaker 1: It's not arrogance, it's not ego. Do I respect myself?

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00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,919
Speaker 1: Do I understand what human level of respect is? And

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Speaker 1: the final one is financial dependence. You're subtle settling if

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Speaker 1: it's a financial decision, If it's purely financial, it's subtle settling.

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Speaker 1: I get it, I understand it, I empathize with it.

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Speaker 1: But you know that if it's just based on that,

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Speaker 1: then you're easily losing out. So I hope this episode

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00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,160
Speaker 1: helps you make a sense of subtle settling. I hope

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Speaker 1: it also helps you move towards a healthier relationship. And

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Speaker 1: I hope, obviously you hope your friends think through these dilemmas.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. Make

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00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 1: sure you pass this on to a friend. And here's

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00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,480
Speaker 1: a reminder for you. I am forever in your corner

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00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 1: and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If

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Speaker 1: you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor

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Speaker 1: Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace

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Speaker 1: difficult feelings, you've just got to be motivated every day

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Speaker 1: and if you're not, then what are you doing? And

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Speaker 1: actually humans don't work that way, but motivation, you have

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Speaker 1: to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it

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Speaker 1: will be there, some days it won't