Speaker 1: Trigger warning.
Speaker 2: For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
Speaker 2: postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
Speaker 1: People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello everybody, We're back with
Speaker 1: scrubbing In. We are scrubbing, We are scrubbing in. Great job.
Speaker 2: This is Part two with Ali because we talked for
Speaker 2: so long the first episode that I was like, we
Speaker 2: just need to split it up and have a part
Speaker 2: two because we.
Speaker 1: Have so much to talk about.
Speaker 2: Because we talked about, you know, getting pregnant, giving birth, labor,
Speaker 2: and then when you get talked about your postpartum depression
Speaker 2: and going through that. So you spent what was it
Speaker 2: you said, seven weeks?
Speaker 1: Like the whole episode? What your postpartum depression? I thought
Speaker 1: even the episode of the podcast not Everything is a
Speaker 1: podcast by guy went in in my mind episodes or
Speaker 1: TV and podcast, So you just like I was like, bro, No,
Speaker 1: my depressive episode was like nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you want to talk about like how I fixed it? Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. So you're you're going through it.
Speaker 2: They're like, hey, you're You're obsessively trying to figure out
Speaker 2: what's going on to the point where Carson's taking your
Speaker 2: phone away from you.
Speaker 1: You know. I was like on Reddit, formulas, formulas, forums, formulas,
Speaker 1: I was like on chat GPT, like I extended all
Speaker 1: of my free messaging with it. Stay away from chatchipt.
Speaker 1: He is a dangerous fella. Yeah, and he's just says
Speaker 1: what you want, not what you need. I was telling
Speaker 1: Hayley this the other day. She goes, oh my god,
Speaker 1: chat chipc SID. I go, of course, of course you did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's like sometimes I use it for recipes.
Speaker 1: It's really hot your health well. Also, like the psychiatrist
Speaker 1: was like, the amount of times people using chat ChiPT
Speaker 1: for mental health questions is like astronomical and it is
Speaker 1: very dangerous.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you were doing that, and you what because
Speaker 2: at one point you you were trying different medicines but
Speaker 2: nothing was working.
Speaker 1: So I'll just be candid. I was trying. They put
Speaker 1: me on Zoloft and that's like the common number one
Speaker 1: antidepressant for postpartum. It did it. It wasn't working. So
Speaker 1: it's like the thing with antidepressants is they take weeks
Speaker 1: to work. They take a really long time, and I
Speaker 1: did not know that. I kind of was like, okay,
Speaker 1: take it on like ANX You're like, okay, I feel this. No,
Speaker 1: it takes a while. I think we tried a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks, maybe five or something, and then she was like,
Speaker 1: let's switch and we moved to Lexapro. And I think
Speaker 1: initially we didn't want to go on lexapro because it
Speaker 1: makes you gain a lot of weight, like that's kind
Speaker 1: of when it's known to be a weight gainer. I
Speaker 1: don't know how to say that more eloquently, but was
Speaker 1: like it was like a way inflection and appetite, yeah something,
Speaker 1: rather which like I mean, in hindsight, who cares, Like
Speaker 1: your mental health is more important than what your body
Speaker 1: looks like. But anyways, that was a decision that was
Speaker 1: me and the end Zoloft is usually just like the
Speaker 1: first the first line of defense, So switch to lexapro. Still,
Speaker 1: like you know, a couple of weeks in wasn't working.
Speaker 1: I in the mix of all this like switching medicines
Speaker 1: and stuff, I also wasn't sleeping, so they put me
Speaker 1: on something to like help me sleep, and I think
Speaker 1: that was like the biggest thing, like once I started
Speaker 1: sleeping consistently, like that was going to be the thing
Speaker 1: that like helped me recover. And they do say that,
Speaker 1: like it is such a big piece of recovery, Which
Speaker 1: how do you do that if you don't have help
Speaker 1: and you have a crying baby? That doesn't like like
Speaker 1: it's just it does. None of it makes sense, right,
Speaker 1: Like I was so blessed to have and so privileged
Speaker 1: to have the resources and help around me, but so
Speaker 1: many women do not. And so it's like, how is
Speaker 1: recovery possible if sleep is what you need but you
Speaker 1: can't sleep because you have to take care of a
Speaker 1: crying baby in your single mom, in your single mom
Speaker 1: working jobs, So how do you recover from that? And
Speaker 1: like our government doesn't help you, Like, yeah, none of
Speaker 1: it makes sense. So in the mix of this, I
Speaker 1: was doing like virtual therapy a few times, and like
Speaker 1: finally they were like you need to we need to
Speaker 1: ramp this up because nothing's working. Like this is bad bad.
Speaker 1: It was like very critical, very severe. There's like so
Speaker 1: many levels of postpartum depression, like mine was on the
Speaker 1: very very bad spectrum of it, And so I went
Speaker 1: into something called an iop which is a in what
Speaker 1: does it stand for? I didn't even know it had
Speaker 1: a name. It has a thing, oh oh something something
Speaker 1: like a psychotherapy type in patient outpatient program or something
Speaker 1: like that program. Day, Okay, it's going to It's called
Speaker 1: an IOP. You don't need to know what that means
Speaker 1: when people are wanting to look into Yeah, so google IOP.
Speaker 1: A lot of the like paranatal programs that most like
Speaker 1: hospitals have this, like UCLA and some others, like not
Speaker 1: all of them do, but some do. And this was
Speaker 1: a program that I would go to three times a
Speaker 1: week in person and I would have therapy, I would
Speaker 1: meet with a psychiatrist, and then I would have like
Speaker 1: group sessions with other women going through postpartu depression at
Speaker 1: a level as critical as mine. And so at first
Speaker 1: I was like no, like, I'm not doing this. This
Speaker 1: is like, this is intense. There's no way I'm doing this.
Speaker 1: Oh you were kicking, screaming. And I don't know why
Speaker 1: I was fighting it so bad, because I was also
Speaker 1: so desperate to get better, and like my doctor was like,
Speaker 1: just do this. I promise it's going to get you better,
Speaker 1: and I was like she. I was also having an
Speaker 1: attitude towards so it's like a reoccurring theme for God.
Speaker 1: So I go first day. I can't drive at this point,
Speaker 1: Like I can't, Like I'm pretty much like non functional.
Speaker 1: I'm so yessed, So get driven there crying the whole way.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go. Like the first few sessions,
Speaker 1: I'm like just crying, non engaged, like, But what slowly
Speaker 1: started to shift was my connection I made with other
Speaker 1: women in the program and like a few of which
Speaker 1: I still talk to today, and having that like dialogue
Speaker 1: with them and that like connection of like, wait, that's
Speaker 1: what you're going through, That's what I'm going through, Like
Speaker 1: I don't, like, there's something so powerful about that, And
Speaker 1: it really like just started to like make me feel
Speaker 1: warm inside. And like I saw a shift where I'd
Speaker 1: like enjoy going to the program. I was sleeping a
Speaker 1: little bit more like things were starting to kind of
Speaker 1: like shift it at the same time obviously stopping the
Speaker 1: breastfeeding and kind of like everything came together. And like
Speaker 1: I said, it took like nine ish weeks, which in
Speaker 1: like relatively speaking, is short for like a postpartum like
Speaker 1: episode as bad as the one I had. I mean,
Speaker 1: I there was women in the program that were a
Speaker 1: year postpartum, still dealing with it, and they had gotten
Speaker 1: it from like day one of having birth. So it's
Speaker 1: a spectrum of like the level of it to how
Speaker 1: long it lasts, Like it's all across the board. But
Speaker 1: that's ultimately how I got better. I don't know like
Speaker 1: what one thing was the thing. I think stopping the
Speaker 1: breastfeeding is probably the most powerful thing because I was
Speaker 1: like taking the antidepressants for a minute and they weren't
Speaker 1: doing a thing, and that was the only thing that
Speaker 1: like really really shifted me. And I think like the
Speaker 1: structure and like the interaction and communication with like the
Speaker 1: doctors and the other women like really like put like
Speaker 1: structure and just my day was like filled, so I
Speaker 1: was able to like not think about the depression as much.
Speaker 1: So I think that really helped. But yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: it's like my recovery is like loaded with privilege, like
Speaker 1: that program in itself, Like you have to have medical insurance,
Speaker 1: you have to It's like you have to be chosen
Speaker 1: to be able to like get in it. Like there's
Speaker 1: so much stuff it's access right, Like it's yeah, and
Speaker 1: this is so unfair, Like if this situation like has
Speaker 1: made me so enraged about like how women and specifically
Speaker 1: like pregnant women and mothers are treated in this country,
Speaker 1: Like I need to do something about it, and like
Speaker 1: I know how hard the situation was for me, but
Speaker 1: like I know that this was like this happened for
Speaker 1: a reason, and like I'm gonna change women's lives because
Speaker 1: of this, and like I don't know how yet, but
Speaker 1: like I'm going to, and like it's just so unfair,
Speaker 1: Like it's really unfair.
Speaker 2: I also think being able to acknowledge that, because I
Speaker 2: think so many people just go, you just have to
Speaker 2: go into a program and you just need to get
Speaker 2: on medication and just have access to and it's like
Speaker 2: it's just not I think being able to acknowledge that.
Speaker 1: And also I also think sharing your story.
Speaker 2: I mean, this is really vulnerable and dark and deep,
Speaker 2: and so many people just are like I don't want
Speaker 2: to talk about it because regardless of where if it's
Speaker 2: shame or guilt or whatever they're feeling, keep it to themselves,
Speaker 2: as opposed to going like, hey, we're in this together,
Speaker 2: and at some point if we both experience the same thing,
Speaker 2: we can help each other feel more seen, which is
Speaker 2: I mean, you had me you had all these other people,
Speaker 2: but no one understood what you were going through.
Speaker 1: We're just like, yeah, just be it, be happy, you
Speaker 1: know what. You just almost want to be like wait,
Speaker 1: why is it so bad? Like I want you to
Speaker 1: laugh again, you know.
Speaker 2: And it's like finding that community of women who were
Speaker 2: navigating something so personal and scary that and having that
Speaker 2: is so invaluable. Like I think that people should at
Speaker 2: the very le least have access to talk to people
Speaker 2: who are going through that, which I feel like you're
Speaker 2: kind of creating a community, yeah, for women to talk
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I mean I and I don't know what,
Speaker 1: Like I've started sharing on my social media, like my experience.
Speaker 1: I started a substack and shared my and wrote down
Speaker 1: my experience with postpart depression, which actually was really like
Speaker 1: therapeutic because I had never like really condensed it together
Speaker 1: and like wrote it out and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is what happened. Like it felt really good to
Speaker 1: do that. And I've been able to connect through social
Speaker 1: media with so many women going through this, and I think,
Speaker 1: like my doctor even told me, she was like, you're
Speaker 1: going to come out of this like so much better
Speaker 1: than before, and like trust me, you're going to do
Speaker 1: something with that, And I was like, okay, like I'll
Speaker 1: give it, giving her an I'm sure grying in the corner.
Speaker 1: And it's true, like I feel very I haven't felt
Speaker 1: so passionate about something in a really long time, you
Speaker 1: know me, Like I'm always like the little like get her,
Speaker 1: like go get her, Like I'm like, let's build a business,
Speaker 1: let's do this. Let's like this is like kind of
Speaker 1: like my thing right now that I'm really really excited
Speaker 1: about for so many reasons. But I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think it's like and I even wanted to come on
Speaker 1: here and talk about it even though it's like it's
Speaker 1: hard because it's like it's yes, it's talked about, but
Speaker 1: like not enough in my opinion, and not in a
Speaker 1: way that's like clinical. You know, it's like all it
Speaker 1: is very clinical or really from a doctor from like
Speaker 1: not from the perspective of like someone real going through it,
Speaker 1: and like real lived connection was the thing that I
Speaker 1: think was so important in my healing.
Speaker 2: So so nine weeks go by, you stop pumping and breastfeeding,
Speaker 2: you feel like you're yourself coming back. Yeah, in a
Speaker 2: totally new way though, like a very different version of yourself.
Speaker 1: It was like waking up from a nightmare, like the
Speaker 1: only way I spent like nine to ten weeks being
Speaker 1: chased by like a lion.
Speaker 2: Literally, Oh, I was gonna say. I remember asking you
Speaker 2: like because you couldn't really explain to me what you
Speaker 2: were feeling, because I was like.
Speaker 1: What do you feel? Are you or is it like sadness?
Speaker 1: Are you? I don't get the why aren't you sleeping? Part?
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then you explained it like when someone jumps
Speaker 2: out at you and scares you, that initial feeling of
Speaker 2: fear and panic, but like all the time, which sounds like.
Speaker 1: Hell hell yeah. It was like yeah, that like rush
Speaker 1: of like adrenaline and fear twenty four to seven. Like
Speaker 1: I was just like like I had like picked my
Speaker 1: nails raw, I was like biting them. I was like
Speaker 1: so fidgety, Like I had so much like tension, and
Speaker 1: it was not only mentals really physical for me too,
Speaker 1: like I had like body aches and pains and like jitteriness,
Speaker 1: and like it was hormones are a crazy thing, like
Speaker 1: it really really is. And I think Jennifer Lawrence went
Speaker 1: on a podcast for like The New York Times and
Speaker 1: she said she had literally the same experience as me.
Speaker 1: She breastfoot she was breastfeeding, and she was weaning, and
Speaker 1: she completely crashed out. And she she said on that podcast,
Speaker 1: which I think after I had explained it to people,
Speaker 1: I had listened to that, so I don't think I
Speaker 1: had gotten it from her, but who knows. Thing's a
Speaker 1: little bit of a blur. But she said it felt
Speaker 1: like being chased by a tiger twenty four to seven
Speaker 1: all day long. Yeah, and that really like it was
Speaker 1: really relatable to hear that that's so scary. That sounds horrible,
Speaker 1: like a horrible feeling. Yeah. And then that's why, like
Speaker 1: I couldn't sleep because it's like and you're just like like,
Speaker 1: you know, being scared over and over and over again. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So you come out of it and you're and Remy
Speaker 1: is and that's like it's kind of worked out in
Speaker 1: the sense that like Remy was just such a baby
Speaker 1: that he was just doing his Moto Man anger spells
Speaker 1: but he didn't know what was going on. No, And
Speaker 1: I I in the mix of it, though, I was
Speaker 1: like I felt so much guilt. I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like I'm doing the postpart ofs of preussion, like he's
Speaker 1: going to be so affected by this, and and like
Speaker 1: he had so much love around him. He had my friends,
Speaker 1: he had my parents, he had his Carson's parents, like
Speaker 1: he had Carston, like he was just he had our
Speaker 1: nanny meem like he was taking care of the prince
Speaker 1: was fine. And I think like people had to tell
Speaker 1: me that, like he's doing fine. You're not doing it fine,
Speaker 1: you gotta get better, Yes, because he's chilling. Yeah, he's
Speaker 1: he's totally okay. And I think that like helped me
Speaker 1: get through this because I was really like concerned with,
Speaker 1: you know, his outcome, because of like how the state
Speaker 1: I was in, and he was so young. You know, No,
Speaker 1: he doesn't, he doesn't. You don't like remember anything before
Speaker 1: five or something. Yeah, I think my first memory is
Speaker 1: from like kindergarten or something. Fine, we're not worried about him.
Speaker 1: But where we now, we are in a place of pleasure. Pleasure.
Speaker 1: I have never felt better in my life, Like I
Speaker 1: am genuinely so happy. I'm still on lexapro, yeah, but
Speaker 1: I am on the very very very smallest dose, which
Speaker 1: we have discussed. You have always had a level of
Speaker 1: anxiety that, you know, affected small things like daily life
Speaker 1: things and then flying and you know all the things
Speaker 1: that bring it up. I ran a little interies. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you may have always needed a small dose of
Speaker 1: the liking. So I'm like, my doctor's like, you can
Speaker 1: go off a year and a half postpartum. That's kind
Speaker 1: of like her time frame for when like the hormones.
Speaker 1: Oh just so I like six more months, Okay, a
Speaker 1: year and a half postpartum, but we'll see, like when
Speaker 1: I get there and I'm not ready, then I'm not ready,
Speaker 1: and then I continue totally on the lex Yeah that.
Speaker 2: You're on lexapro small, You've you've and you also did
Speaker 2: that in a very safe way of like waning.
Speaker 1: Oh that's like really important that you Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you love being a mom.
Speaker 1: I love being a mom. It's so crazy. I literally
Speaker 1: was like.
Speaker 3: I'm not in some way, but I was just like
Speaker 3: out of all my friends, there's just yeah, well you
Speaker 3: decided you wanted to have kids.
Speaker 2: I was just like, no way, Ally's gonna have kids.
Speaker 2: Like she's not like maternal, She's not like maternal is
Speaker 2: the word. I'm not maternal nurture.
Speaker 1: I'm like a little cold ice queen, a nasty cold
Speaker 1: ice queen. And we're like this to each other where
Speaker 1: we barely hug, like we'll hug about you. Yeah, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's enough, you know. Yeah, and it's been so fun. Well,
Speaker 1: even like before obviously it got dark, Like even that
Speaker 1: part of it, I.
Speaker 2: Was like, wow, she really stepped into this role so naturally. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's been so fun to watch you do it because.
Speaker 1: I love it. Yeah, Like I have never felt more
Speaker 1: like passion or excitement or like like I feel at home.
Speaker 1: You know. It's like I was so homesick. Now I
Speaker 1: feel so home home at home. Yeah, he's so cute.
Speaker 1: I've had to worry.
Speaker 2: I've never had to work so hard for a child
Speaker 2: to like me. Then of course my best friend's baby. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he's not sure about you.
Speaker 1: No, last time he was like into me. Yeah he
Speaker 1: was Indie last time. But he's he's a he's a
Speaker 1: prickly little fella. Yeah, very attached to you. I wish
Speaker 1: I should have brought him. What are your thoughts on?
Speaker 2: That would have been a fifteen minute podcast. What are
Speaker 2: your thoughts on? Okay, I want to talk about this.
Speaker 2: Was I should have asked this before? But finding out
Speaker 2: the gender because there's a lot of conversations about you know,
Speaker 2: gender disappointment and having you know, expectations of what you
Speaker 2: think your life is going to look like as a parent.
Speaker 2: And I want to do to talk about that a
Speaker 2: little bit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so I feel like correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: I think every girl wants a girl. I don't know
Speaker 1: really okay, majority, let's say majority. I think like when
Speaker 1: you think of having a baby, you kind of just
Speaker 1: think of like what you know, you know, what it's
Speaker 1: like to be a girl, grow up as a girl,
Speaker 1: and blah blah blah blah. So I kind of just
Speaker 1: like in my I was like, I'm a girl, I
Speaker 1: have girls, Like I don't know how I'm not creating penises,
Speaker 1: Like how would I ever create one? But when I
Speaker 1: found out, okay, so I control issues. I did the
Speaker 1: what is that thing called that? I did, like the
Speaker 1: really early you basically like get this thing in the mail,
Speaker 1: you prick your finger or like you prick your arm
Speaker 1: and you do the blood like this is at like
Speaker 1: five weeks.
Speaker 2: She was the most impatient. I felt like you were
Speaker 2: pregnant for three years because you found out so early.
Speaker 1: For everything. Yeah, I mean I found out. I was
Speaker 1: pregnant like three and a half weeks. I found the
Speaker 1: gender out at like four weeks, like it was yeah,
Speaker 1: it was sentenced, so anyways, mail it in and it's
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, be careful about getting like male DNA
Speaker 1: on it because that can like shift the thing. I
Speaker 1: have three male pets, I live with my husband. Obviously,
Speaker 1: my brother comes over, like there's men in my life.
Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, I gotta be super careful.
Speaker 1: So I do it. I mail it in. It comes
Speaker 1: back and also like uneventful. We kind of just like
Speaker 1: opened it up on the thing and were and it
Speaker 1: said mail and we both were like, no, I don't
Speaker 1: think so, I don't know. There's no way like literally
Speaker 1: fifty fifty and I was like Brooks. I was like,
Speaker 1: Brooks got licked me and his DNA gone on it.
Speaker 1: This could probably have been the start of some hormonal
Speaker 1: issues happening. And I was like, yeah, that's why. So
Speaker 1: I didn't believe it. Did I even tell you that
Speaker 1: it came back mail? Yeah, oh I did, but I
Speaker 1: was just kind of like, that's insane. Let's just wait
Speaker 1: till so then I yeah, no, I know, And then
Speaker 1: got the real like the NP I t blood test
Speaker 1: where they do it and also mail confirmed shocking confirmed.
Speaker 1: I did. I did find on like a Reddit forum
Speaker 1: that like a lot of people had it like, wasn't
Speaker 1: right the beginning one? Yeah, that makes sense, Yeah, because
Speaker 1: there's a lot of room for error when you're testing
Speaker 1: yourself in your laboratory, in your bathroom laboratory, they have
Speaker 1: your blood. Simple, yeah, you's got that. Now, we don't recommend.
Speaker 1: I don't know what is it called, and I google it.
Speaker 1: It's a thing. Yes, I don't know. I think at
Speaker 1: first I was like a boy. I think there feels
Speaker 1: like a lot of pressure of like especially in today's climate,
Speaker 1: like raising a man, a man, a full blown man,
Speaker 1: like there's gonna be a man in my home. Like
Speaker 1: I think that when I think that's a man in
Speaker 1: your room? Oh another man? Two men, yeah, two men.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I think I felt this
Speaker 1: immense amount of like oh my god, this like you know,
Speaker 1: like a girl. It's like you braid hair and you
Speaker 1: do ballet and it seems just really like easy. I
Speaker 1: love that you think you're like a girl who does
Speaker 1: ballet and like super girly, which is like I feel
Speaker 1: like all of my friends were like, you're such a
Speaker 1: boy mom. Yeah, it actually makes total sense. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I did a video on this from this I don't
Speaker 1: know this creator's name, but she did this video about
Speaker 1: there's not my take on it is. It's not boy mom,
Speaker 1: girl mom, it's raccoon mom versus unicorn mom. This is
Speaker 1: so crazy. Yeah, And like you either have a raccoon
Speaker 1: baby or you have a unicorn baby. The unicorn baby
Speaker 1: is like they go to they sleep through the night
Speaker 1: at five weeks really and they're chill and like, I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of that stereotype is associated with
Speaker 1: girls and then boys are raccoons. But I have seen
Speaker 1: some girl raccoons and I've seen some boy unicorns.
Speaker 2: I think, Yeah, I think it's very dependent on the
Speaker 2: child and has nothing to do with gender.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I have a full blown raccoon. He is
Speaker 1: like full blown, but I like I am a raccoon,
Speaker 1: so therefore I have a raccoon baby, right right, But
Speaker 1: I yeah, I would say I was like mixed feelings
Speaker 1: finding out like I I again, I think I just
Speaker 1: pictured myself like having a girl, and I think that's
Speaker 1: like common. But looking back, like a pregnancy, like it's
Speaker 1: fifty to fifty. You can't control it. Like any healthy
Speaker 1: baby is a blessing and a miracle, and like who
Speaker 1: cares about the gender. And also like we do need
Speaker 1: we need good people raising good men like me little
Speaker 1: nasty witch, ye nay witch, just raising good men exactly.
Speaker 1: And I love I am a boy mom, so like you,
Speaker 1: there's a mom of a boy and then there's boy
Speaker 1: mom mom. There's like weird attachment to their son that
Speaker 1: you're like, yeah, we need Remy to have some He's
Speaker 1: fine now because he's a baby, but as things progress,
Speaker 1: like if he brings home like someone who's dating, and
Speaker 1: you're like, I'll be good about that. Okay, yeah, I'll
Speaker 1: be open to that. I think I think I see
Speaker 1: myself like in sports, and like I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get like into it, going to be like fighting people
Speaker 1: in the ballroom. Yeah, like yelling at refs. Yeah, him
Speaker 1: like playing baseball and stuff.
Speaker 3: It's so cute.
Speaker 2: Okay, So he just turned one. You're so happy or
Speaker 2: so like made for this. After the pregnancy you had
Speaker 2: and then going through postpartum, you were like, I will
Speaker 2: absolutely not do this. I can I don't think I
Speaker 2: can do this.
Speaker 3: Again.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I was like, there's never no, but now
Speaker 1: that he's one, we're we're there's chit chat about our
Speaker 1: number two baby too. Curiosity brewing, which I told I
Speaker 1: literally is like you're talking. Oh yeah, you know you
Speaker 1: were like, what did you just say that you're going
Speaker 1: to be pregnant November?
Speaker 2: Yeah, like just round two starties in that way. But
Speaker 2: what what are your hesitations around? Is it because you
Speaker 2: want another baby? You just the fear of the pregnancy
Speaker 2: being hard and the postpartum of it all.
Speaker 1: Yeahs you I'm a little traumatized. Yeah. So when you've
Speaker 1: had postpartum depression in one pregnancy, you're more likely to
Speaker 1: get it in the second, or the chances are higher
Speaker 1: than just like an average person who's never had it.
Speaker 1: So it's probably like sixty to seventy percent chance that
Speaker 1: I would get it again. It's high. Yeah, you can
Speaker 1: go into it like already on antidepressants, and you can
Speaker 1: you know, be more prepared for it. But there were I.
Speaker 2: Also feel like you kind of knew, like and it's
Speaker 2: again a hindsight thing of knowing. Okay, if I start
Speaker 2: feeling the drop, I yeah, I can give the baby
Speaker 2: formula without yeah, or like.
Speaker 1: Just don't breastfeed, Like there's things that like I can
Speaker 1: do to like, you know, prophilactically. Is that the word?
Speaker 1: Big word? That's a big word for this podcast. I
Speaker 1: think that's the right word, you know, to to better prepare. Right,
Speaker 1: So there's that, Yeah, being pregnant, being so sick. I
Speaker 1: think also like I don't want to miss out on
Speaker 1: his like toddler years and like he like I don't know, say,
Speaker 1: like I could be one and done. I think that's
Speaker 1: really beautiful and magical too. I think having a second
Speaker 1: is also really exciting. I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do. I really am like I need
Speaker 1: to go see the psychic again. Although she said soul,
Speaker 1: she said souls. Maybe there's another pet? Yeah, so no
Speaker 1: way too many pets right now. Yeah, I don't I
Speaker 1: don't know what I'll do. I I do. I I
Speaker 1: want a second? You want to second? Will you be
Speaker 1: my surrogate? No?
Speaker 2: No, but lovingly no, I don't know. You need to
Speaker 2: ask someone who's had easy pregnancies. Don't put that first
Speaker 2: time are in for you.
Speaker 1: Actually, I don't think you can be a surrogate if
Speaker 1: it's your first time, Yeah, because I don't know what
Speaker 1: will happen. Yeah, but is that something you can consider?
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I would love that, Like that sounds
Speaker 1: like a dream. But that's like wildly expensive. I think
Speaker 1: it's like two hundred thousand dollars to have a surrogate.
Speaker 1: You also have to go you know, you have to
Speaker 1: go through IVY if you have to go through like
Speaker 1: it's not easy to get that done either. I mean,
Speaker 1: but could you imagine just like here's a little baby,
Speaker 1: like you're not you don't have to go through all
Speaker 1: the No, I really can't it.
Speaker 2: The only thing I can equate it to is getting
Speaker 2: Phoebe and me taking her hoping, like I have to
Speaker 2: keep this little tiny thing alive.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I mean mine. I just think women that
Speaker 1: are surrogate, it's like wow, like what a.
Speaker 2: Honestly, women are amazing women and are amazing single moms.
Speaker 1: I've always had I've always been like, while.
Speaker 2: Single moms are incredible, But I think when you went
Speaker 2: through what you went through and thinking about someone not
Speaker 2: having access to help or having support around them, or
Speaker 2: being you know, by themselves having to work and support it,
Speaker 2: it made me realize the significance of like heroic, just
Speaker 2: like how heroic a single mom and women are in general,
Speaker 2: Like yeah, like.
Speaker 1: We're too quiet about it. We need to be a
Speaker 1: little more. We need to be a lot louder about what, yeah,
Speaker 1: women do. And I was reading this thing about how
Speaker 1: the United States is like one of the only like countries,
Speaker 1: like one of thirty eight countries that doesn't provide like
Speaker 1: national like post maternal health care and like time off,
Speaker 1: which is just wild, like and in only like one
Speaker 1: fourth of companies provide like PTO or something like that
Speaker 1: for for women. It's crazy. Yeah, So it's like you're
Speaker 1: expected to have a baby and then like immediately go
Speaker 1: back to work or work without pay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's unreal. Okay, I know you said you
Speaker 2: wanted to you had some questions for me.
Speaker 1: Do you have those or get Okay, I'll take a break.
Speaker 1: We'll take a break.
Speaker 2: And we'll come back with questions.
Speaker 1: Now we're back. Wow, Like that's so funny because that's
Speaker 1: a joke. Tanya and I do to fight to say
Speaker 1: say we're back first, So good job. So you think
Speaker 1: I listened to the podcast, you know, I know.
Speaker 2: I was gonna A lot of people had questions, which
Speaker 2: we covered a lot of the things that people were
Speaker 2: asking about. A lot of people were asking about our
Speaker 2: friend dynamic with you being my manager as well.
Speaker 1: And I feel like we've probably.
Speaker 2: Touched on this since when you were here last, but
Speaker 2: a lot of people were wondering if there's ever been
Speaker 2: like a conflict, conflicts or hard things.
Speaker 1: I can't remember a time that we had. I mean
Speaker 1: it's like the you know, it's I'm always like can
Speaker 1: you post more? Can you you know, but like I
Speaker 1: don't know, do you recall a conflict. I feel like
Speaker 1: one time you were going to remember this when you
Speaker 1: were going to sign someone else that was gonna be
Speaker 1: like like more competition for me to get and I
Speaker 1: was just kind of like what, oh, I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to think okay, yeah, and and we just like had
Speaker 1: kind of it wasn't an argument or anything. It was
Speaker 1: just like, hey, like you're just being scorp and you
Speaker 1: I was not being scored, being like, oh, if you
Speaker 1: want to sign someone else and maybe I need to
Speaker 1: find yeah new management, you know, like just being realistic
Speaker 1: in a business sense, and you were you handled it
Speaker 1: really well okay, yeah yeah, yeah that was a while ago.
Speaker 1: And I think that's fair, And I think, yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I luckily or not, I don't know. I just
Speaker 1: I feel like I have a lot of experience like
Speaker 1: working with people and being friends with them. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: so do you Like you know, you work with Tanya
Speaker 1: and she's your best friend, and like I think that
Speaker 1: you're kind of either you can do it or you can't.
Speaker 1: Like there's some people who can just do it, and
Speaker 1: then there's others that just really can't. And I think
Speaker 1: it's into like we have like our tech stream for work, right,
Speaker 1: and then we have like you and my tech like
Speaker 1: it's and we don't talk about work in that one,
Speaker 1: but it's like you know what I mean, Like it's
Speaker 1: it's we separate church and state, like really really well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it used to be more where it was
Speaker 2: a direct thing with you, so it was almost a
Speaker 2: little more interwoven, where now there's more of a team
Speaker 2: that's helping, that's more day to day so they kind
Speaker 2: of have to handle me, like nagging me or like
Speaker 2: being on I guess I should saynagging because of really
Speaker 2: having to be on me because I can be delayed
Speaker 2: and like responding and communicating someone else, like what's Becka
Speaker 2: like working with is she hard to communicate with?
Speaker 1: Oh? I mean, can I be honest? Yeah? Yes, Like
Speaker 1: it's crazy and I know you're sitting there on your phone.
Speaker 1: So what's going through your head when you like don't
Speaker 1: text back. I don't know. I think it's like a
Speaker 1: sign of ADHD or something that is. Something can something
Speaker 1: simple can feel overwhelming, really over like the thought of
Speaker 1: just like responding can just be like too much. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's it. I don't really have other reasons that I can.
Speaker 1: Could they received working on it, okay, I'll do that,
Speaker 1: or like thumbs up it or something. I think it's
Speaker 1: like when you text into the ABYSS and you get
Speaker 1: nothing back. It's like it was like when I had
Speaker 1: postponon depression, just talking to talking to a wall. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's good. I'll start like either emphasizing things or things
Speaker 1: for bringing it up. We also have a tex stream
Speaker 1: about like another area of her business. I've asked though,
Speaker 1: where the other people on my team. I'll be like sorry,
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, you're like not the worst at all,
Speaker 1: So don't trust that to you. Don't worry about it
Speaker 1: Between me and them, they're lying when you were on
Speaker 1: postpartum leaf. They're lying either like I think what's different
Speaker 1: between you and like you you're really fun to work with.
Speaker 1: I like you're different from other people, but like I
Speaker 1: think you have a really you're really grateful and I
Speaker 1: think that gratitude really shines through with like how you
Speaker 1: treat people that you work with, And I think that's
Speaker 1: really what's you know, like I mixed up for me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like she's just like ghosting us, but like you know,
Speaker 1: she cares, but like just can't care right now. It's
Speaker 1: hard because I also think.
Speaker 2: It's been so many iterations of social media and creating
Speaker 2: content that it's you know, it started in one way
Speaker 2: and it's advanced so much and it was like TikTok
Speaker 2: came and then yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean not been through.
Speaker 2: It's quite quite a luxury job and luxury position I'm in.
Speaker 2: But I mean I think it's just sometimes there's that
Speaker 2: burnout and you're just like I have hosts. Yeah, yeah, you,
Speaker 2: I mean you have burnout too.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think like yeah, when you We've talked about
Speaker 1: this so many times. It's like that not that you're
Speaker 1: getting validation from social media, but like your livelihood and
Speaker 1: how you make money is based on social media, right,
Speaker 1: Like it's like just like a lot of pressure and
Speaker 1: it's like your work, Like if you go to your job,
Speaker 1: you can like log out of your job. You can't,
Speaker 1: like I mean you can log out of Instagram. But
Speaker 1: like it is just right, always on right, and it's
Speaker 1: like it's I think people like, oh, I'm so jealous
Speaker 1: of content creators and this and that, but like I
Speaker 1: don't know of be it at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: like it is. It takes a certain amount of grit,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know how, I don't know what the
Speaker 1: right word is, but it's like being in the spotlight
Speaker 1: takes a certain amount of like you just have to
Speaker 1: be off. Yeah, I mean so I would be like
Speaker 1: i'd cry. Well.
Speaker 2: I think that's that's part of the journey, especially that
Speaker 2: I've had where it was being on the Bachelor and
Speaker 2: having people just have opinions of not liking me just
Speaker 2: because they were rooting for someone else to end up
Speaker 2: with the guy, and then you kind of go through
Speaker 2: that of you know, why do people not like me?
Speaker 2: I haven't done anything, and then just navigating it's just
Speaker 2: a TV show, and then dating Haley and then coming
Speaker 2: out and expecting that reaction as well.
Speaker 1: You kind of just and then having people close to
Speaker 1: me have reactions to me coming out you kind of go,
Speaker 1: what's the worst a stranger can say?
Speaker 2: You know, kind of shifts your perspective. But I also
Speaker 2: think that comes with age too. You just kind of go,
Speaker 2: who are they? These are not real?
Speaker 1: In my mind, I'm like, these are not real people
Speaker 1: because real people want to come up and say this
Speaker 1: to you to your face. Yeah, what is the relationship
Speaker 1: on the para social? Para social? Parasocial? It's like a
Speaker 1: really interesting one. Like it like, you know, it feels
Speaker 1: close though, like it feels like a friendship, but when
Speaker 1: it feels when it's friendly, it feels real. But that's
Speaker 1: a good way to like, what was the girl that
Speaker 1: said the other the other week? Wow? Not even that
Speaker 1: nobody cares? No one cares, which I literally did laugh
Speaker 1: out loud. I mean that's so funny because I every
Speaker 1: time I go to post, I'm like, no one cares?
Speaker 1: I voice was that you actually? Yeah, troll account my
Speaker 1: burner account. No, it's when you post your like drawings
Speaker 1: or your questions on your stories. That's what I'm always like, No,
Speaker 1: why what are you doing. Are you okay?
Speaker 2: Yeah, what questions did you have for me?
Speaker 1: Well? Are you going to have kids? Well? You guys
Speaker 1: so back and forth on I mean, we're very much
Speaker 1: like no right now, but we're not one hundred percent no,
Speaker 1: but we're like definitely past fifty percent of being no. Okay.
Speaker 2: I think we I think it's a fun season because
Speaker 2: so many people close to us, our friends, are having babies,
Speaker 2: so we're getting to have We're getting to watch it
Speaker 2: happen and see the highs and the lows up close.
Speaker 1: But I think every.
Speaker 2: Time we spend time with kids, we go home and
Speaker 2: we're kind of like, Okay, we're really happy with our life.
Speaker 1: You know, last night I was like looking at your
Speaker 1: maybe it was Haley's story, your story, and I saw
Speaker 1: you sitting there with your red light mask on. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I like, in my other hand have like my
Speaker 1: Nanit monitor and Remy's like screaming, and I'm like, bro,
Speaker 1: like if I could just sit with my red light
Speaker 1: mask on and just chill for a little bit, but yeah,
Speaker 1: gotta go rock the boy like I think it it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you live a very your life is cozy.
Speaker 2: It's very comfortable, and it's very like we do whatever
Speaker 2: we want, we have time to do whatever we want,
Speaker 2: and I just don't feel my thing is I know
Speaker 2: that if we had a kid, I would it would
Speaker 2: be my everything, like the child would be my everything everything.
Speaker 2: And I also, which I wanted to talk about, I
Speaker 2: know that would ultimately affect my relationship with Haley because
Speaker 2: of your like your relationship changes once you have I mean,
Speaker 2: just naturally, I think you can come back, but for
Speaker 2: a chunk of time. I think you have to be
Speaker 2: really intentional about that. And I just I love our
Speaker 2: relationship and I love our life, and I love the
Speaker 2: quiet you know I do.
Speaker 1: And I love I just love.
Speaker 2: We're both on the same page about it, so it's
Speaker 2: not one hundred percent no, but we're very content right now.
Speaker 2: But I was going to ask what the shifts of
Speaker 2: like your partner and relationship with person.
Speaker 1: I think, I mean, you only have like so much
Speaker 1: like love in your heart, or like you only have
Speaker 1: so much you can give at any one time, and
Speaker 1: so like when so much is required of the baby,
Speaker 1: there's like less like whatever gas in your tank, like
Speaker 1: capacity capacity, and so like that is gonna shift things.
Speaker 1: It's also like you know, the sexual side of it,
Speaker 1: like you're ripped up, you're torn you like, you know,
Speaker 1: like they say you can have sex after six weeks,
Speaker 1: but I'm sorry, like I was still leading it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like it's just unwell down there, like you know, it's
Speaker 1: like it's that the physical part of it changes a
Speaker 1: little bit. Your body's different, like your so much is
Speaker 1: You're just so different, you know. But I feel like
Speaker 1: we're we're just like a really good team, like we
Speaker 1: really are, like we really compliment each other well, and
Speaker 1: like it's we're not like fighting more. We're not like
Speaker 1: having issues or anything like that. I think it's just
Speaker 1: it's just it's just different because there's like this like
Speaker 1: one more person to love in the relationship, yes, and
Speaker 1: keeping alive, like you're literally having.
Speaker 2: To give so much energy to yeah loving a baby,
Speaker 2: but also survival.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you have to like ask if you
Speaker 1: can go to the bathroom, like can I go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom? Like you got him? Like you know, it's
Speaker 1: like that, it's just the freedom is gone. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: it's just like the dynamic changes. You can't just go
Speaker 1: poop when you need to poop, no, no cereal in
Speaker 1: them poop. Yeah, that's a lux that's a luxury, that is,
Speaker 1: you've given up. Yeah, well it'd be like that. People
Speaker 1: were asking about Randy and Cline. Oh naturally, I mean,
Speaker 1: when is the last time that we've actually so let me.
Speaker 2: Tell you about what happened with the Randy and Cline.
Speaker 2: When we started Randy and Cline, Allie was not quite
Speaker 2: as pairing in terms of how she presented to the world.
Speaker 2: That is, Yeah, because then when you started, when you
Speaker 2: were single.
Speaker 1: Oh, so then she got she was in a relationship
Speaker 1: long term before Carson, and she was just free as
Speaker 1: the wind post. I could post anything about her, she
Speaker 1: would not care.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then she got out of that relationship and
Speaker 2: she was in her hot girl era.
Speaker 1: I was so hot, and she would she would just
Speaker 1: and we like, do a reel of just that footage.
Speaker 1: Are you being hot? Yeah? No, just a brandy. And
Speaker 1: so when I would try to get her to participate
Speaker 1: in Randy Incline, it was, yeah, I was she would spiral.
Speaker 1: We would do something and it would be really funny,
Speaker 1: and then she would say, I look ugly, which is
Speaker 1: the whole point now, I know. I mean, yeah, I
Speaker 1: think there's like, okay, I'm dressed as like a guy
Speaker 1: and like with a mullet. But then it's like I
Speaker 1: also was like I think it was a point in
Speaker 1: my career two where I was like a business I
Speaker 1: was trying to be a business whatever, and so I
Speaker 1: was kind of getting like pressure. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: just like I felt like weird about it. I would
Speaker 1: go full Randy now, like I I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: so open on social media, like right, like I don't know, yeah,
Speaker 1: but that just came back. Oh yeah, and it's a
Speaker 1: it's a newer thing for me. So now that I'm
Speaker 1: over all of that and like my looks and my beauty,
Speaker 1: I am open to bringing Randy and climb back. Okay,
Speaker 1: I just don't know, Like I don't even know where
Speaker 1: I think. I really I think, yeah, I definitely don't
Speaker 1: have any Do you have my shorts? I can reorder
Speaker 1: some things for you.
Speaker 3: It's going to go.
Speaker 1: But what's funny is that like whole look is like
Speaker 1: I feel so many girls are doing that now. I
Speaker 1: feel like they're bachelorettes and stuff. Did we start that
Speaker 1: or is that I want to claim it? I kind
Speaker 1: of do, but I don't I don't remember seeing other
Speaker 1: people do like we invented. Like I hadn't seen that,
Speaker 1: Like we made that up right, and now they call
Speaker 1: it like the barbecue Dad or something like that. I
Speaker 1: literally feel like once a week someone is doing a
Speaker 1: bachelorette and that's what they're dressing at. Yeah, it's a classic.
Speaker 1: We used to get like tagged in that type of content. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they they've gotten the original text. That we've lost the
Speaker 1: original text. Okay, I think I think we need to
Speaker 1: claim that back.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, So I'll order some stuff and we'll
Speaker 2: get back into that. What are some unexpected things about motherhood,
Speaker 2: both positive and negative, that you were surprised about?
Speaker 1: Hmmm. I think everyone said, like, like your pets, like
Speaker 1: you're the dynamic changes with your pets, and I was like, no,
Speaker 1: like that'll never happen. It does change the dynamic with
Speaker 1: your pets. I was surprised that happened to me. It's
Speaker 1: a weird one to choose, but like, I just want
Speaker 1: to talk about that because you love Bobe more than
Speaker 1: like life. Yeah, nothing would ever changed that. And and
Speaker 1: well if you care so much about your dog, like
Speaker 1: I know, i'd be upset. I'd be scary obsessive, so obsessive. Yeah, boy, mom,
Speaker 1: what else? I mean, I don't know. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's all just like a crapsh Like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's all crazy. It's nothing is what I expected. Nothing
Speaker 1: is what I like thought it was easier than you
Speaker 1: thought it would be.
Speaker 2: Mmmmm like that you were like, oh, I was kind
Speaker 2: of scared about this and teething.
Speaker 1: Oh, like I was definitely afraid of teething okay, and
Speaker 1: knock on wood like, I mean it's like raugh a
Speaker 1: little bit that I would not say, that's like the hardest.
Speaker 2: Oh, you're so lucky. I've heard really like nightmare things
Speaker 2: about teeth.
Speaker 1: I'm like, am I just like waiting because I think
Speaker 1: you got a moler already and he like there was
Speaker 1: a little a day or two of like some madness,
Speaker 1: but like that, for whatever reason, like always scared me.
Speaker 1: I think it was a lot more stuff like in pregnant,
Speaker 1: like epidural and oh what is that like glucose like
Speaker 1: test that everyone freaks out. Yeah, Like I feel like
Speaker 1: I was like made to be so afraid of that,
Speaker 1: which a breeze. Yeah, I don't know, I haven't been.
Speaker 2: Like, I mean, obviously you went through something really traumatic,
Speaker 2: but there wasn't There hasn't been anything in general of
Speaker 2: motherhood that you've been shocked by either way other than
Speaker 2: the pets.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you make the amount of bouncing that would happen?
Speaker 1: Like I have bounced my ass off while not technically
Speaker 1: speaking because it's like larger than ever, but like I
Speaker 1: bounce all day and all night, like on a medicine ball.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was like part of motherhood, like
Speaker 1: to get him to sleep, to calm him down, Like
Speaker 1: it's a multipurpose solution, the bouncing.
Speaker 2: No, it is kind of crazy though that you could
Speaker 2: have another baby and it and never bounce again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think don't most people bounce? Well, you have
Speaker 1: the you know, I can't do that when I'm holding Bobe. Really, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I don't have that like rhythm to do that.
Speaker 1: I tried to do it the other night with him,
Speaker 1: and he like goes up and he like starts to
Speaker 1: like dance. I'm like, no, it's not the right to
Speaker 1: feel like if I don't have my ball or my tools,
Speaker 1: like I cannot get him to sleep. And I think
Speaker 1: sleep is a big one, right, Like I think that
Speaker 1: there's like but there's a lot of like pressure and
Speaker 1: talk about sleep and it's like how you get them
Speaker 1: to we have not done sleep dream where you look
Speaker 1: like cry it out and stuff. Is that controversial? Yes,
Speaker 1: that's so controversial. There's such like a party that's like
Speaker 1: do it. It's the best thing that's ever like, well
Speaker 1: happened to you to Then other people are like they're
Speaker 1: only young ones. It's horrible. Like there's so very left
Speaker 1: and right camps on that.
Speaker 2: I just think my whole thing of observing and watching
Speaker 2: people is that certain things work really well for some
Speaker 2: people and the baby, and certain things that are completely
Speaker 2: opposite work for the next family. Like I think it's
Speaker 2: the I think it's scary to be a parent on
Speaker 2: social media right now because everyone's got an opinion of everything,
Speaker 2: and it's also obviously their space for community and that's
Speaker 2: really beautiful. But at the end of the day, people
Speaker 2: have an opinion on anything you do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's tough. No, that is tough, Like I
Speaker 1: think likely yeah, like when our parents were parenting, like
Speaker 1: they probably what is that book? Like everyone had liked
Speaker 1: like chicken Soup for the soul, but like it was
Speaker 1: like I would love to chicken say the soul. We
Speaker 1: read that Oh my gosh, I don't know. It was
Speaker 1: this parenting book that basically everyone had in like the nineties,
Speaker 1: and I feel like that's all they had. They didn't
Speaker 1: have the Internet, they didn't like they could call a friend,
Speaker 1: but they you're kind of just like raw dogging it
Speaker 1: and like that's you like read or you talk to
Speaker 1: a doctor. Yeah. I feel like that was what you did.
Speaker 1: And like you could argue that that makes parenting easier
Speaker 1: now than all the access, or you could say it
Speaker 1: makes it harder.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because there's the opposite things.
Speaker 1: You get paralyzed in decision. Yeah, And I think that
Speaker 1: was a problem with me. It's like I couldn't make
Speaker 1: decisions on stuff because I was hearing from so many
Speaker 1: different angles. Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2: I would feel overwhelmed by that someone said, please let
Speaker 2: her know how much her transparency about her experienced postpartum
Speaker 2: means someone with.
Speaker 1: That, I I think that it. Well, one in seven
Speaker 1: women goes through postpartum depression. They say, like the stats
Speaker 1: are even more like one in five because a lot
Speaker 1: of it goes like undiagnosed or undocumented. It's a lot
Speaker 1: of women. It's a lot of women like that is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's and I feel like being vulnerable about all of
Speaker 1: it has been healing for me, So I like sharing
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 2: I bet, Like, I mean, I feel like there's freedom
Speaker 2: and expressing those things because it can feel scary because
Speaker 2: it's so personal and vulnerable, but it also it makes
Speaker 2: people go like, oh my gosh, me too, me too,
Speaker 2: me too, and you just create like that sense of
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I'm not alone. And I think a
Speaker 2: big part of depression and postpartum what it seems like
Speaker 2: is that feeling of being alone and like no one.
Speaker 1: Gets it, no one gets it, and like you're the
Speaker 1: worst case ever and like you'll never get better. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think like actually hearing stories of women getting
Speaker 1: better from postpartum depression was like so like warmed my soul,
Speaker 1: Like I would just sit there. Actually ordered this book
Speaker 1: from Amazon about all these like personal stories and essays
Speaker 1: of women that had postpun depression that got better and
Speaker 1: they like they like sentim in and like it's like
Speaker 1: literally written in the eighties or something like I don't know,
Speaker 1: but it was like I loved reading it. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's so hopeful. I mean, that's the.
Speaker 2: Main thing you need when you're going through something like that.
Speaker 2: I would imagine someone said, how are you balancing work
Speaker 2: life and you know, being a mom.
Speaker 1: I always thought this would be like really really difficult,
Speaker 1: But I feel like it's like when I'm at work
Speaker 1: and I'm present, like and I'm in front of my computer,
Speaker 1: like I am just like I'm head down, get it
Speaker 1: done because I know, like my reward at the end
Speaker 1: is like being with Remy and hanging out with him,
Speaker 1: and like I just want to get everything done and
Speaker 1: do it right. Yeah, so I feel like it's actually
Speaker 1: like motivated me to be like working harder. I don't know,
Speaker 1: like I I still feel really like motivated in my career.
Speaker 1: I love what I'm doing. I yeah, I'm feeling good
Speaker 1: about it. But there's there's times where I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: I got to go because I got to go to
Speaker 1: the doctor with Remy or I got to like you know,
Speaker 1: I and I am grateful I have that flexibility in
Speaker 1: my career and in my company is like you know,
Speaker 1: I founded it and my co CEO is a female
Speaker 1: and a mom, and like it's mostly a women operated
Speaker 1: company and so we we love motherhood and we love
Speaker 1: mothers and so I think that that helps us be
Speaker 1: like more flexible and have that kind of like entrained
Speaker 1: in our culture.
Speaker 2: How do you feel like our friendship has changed since
Speaker 2: having a baby?
Speaker 1: Was that a question or you just wanted someone asked, Oh,
Speaker 1: that's emotional? Really? I think so? I think you really
Speaker 1: see who shows up for you when you're at your
Speaker 1: your deepest, darkest moment. You really do. Because it's easy
Speaker 1: to be friends with someone that's happy and giving, but
Speaker 1: when they're dark and can't give anything, you really see
Speaker 1: who shows up for you. So I think I'll be
Speaker 1: like forever changed in the way that you showed up
Speaker 1: for me just by like coming, like just coming. I
Speaker 1: remember that night you came over, like and we made
Speaker 1: what did we make? Cookies? Cookies be goes. I think
Speaker 1: I was just sitting in the corner crying, wasn't I?
Speaker 1: And you were like like afraid of me. But I
Speaker 1: think it was just like your presence, your warmth, your care,
Speaker 1: like you showing up every every day, you showed up
Speaker 1: for me, You checked in on me, you even just
Speaker 1: a little hey thinking about you, like I will never
Speaker 1: think of you the same, like never think of you
Speaker 1: the same, like your your family to me. You're like
Speaker 1: you are a sister to me. I love you like
Speaker 1: I thank you, like you got me out of something
Speaker 1: so deep and dark, and I think, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's just like forever going to change how I feel
Speaker 1: about you. Wow, that's emotional. I didn't give you his
Speaker 1: family to your like my sister.
Speaker 2: And I'm just so it's so like healing to have
Speaker 2: this full circle of like you being on the podcast
Speaker 2: and sharing this and being so on the other side
Speaker 2: and so happy and so like joyful in this phase
Speaker 2: of your life, and like getting to watch you step
Speaker 2: into the role of being a mom has just been
Speaker 2: like the coolest thing. And I was so scared of
Speaker 2: being like, oh no, I'm losing you know. It's like
Speaker 2: everyone talks about your and I get it. I mean like, like, yeah,
Speaker 2: life changes and your focus is now, your attention is elsewhere.
Speaker 2: But I also feel like we have so much banter
Speaker 2: and text throughout the day that and I get to,
Speaker 2: you know, see him and be a part of your
Speaker 2: life with him, and it's been so fun and I'm
Speaker 2: just I'm so grateful and it's been a really fun phase.
Speaker 1: And I'm totally open to you having two or having one,
Speaker 1: whatever you want, and I'll be there through it all. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah that'll be we'll see, we'll see what happens. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's no pressure because I actually I don't feel any
Speaker 1: I mean I think that's like a like people are
Speaker 1: always asking like when are you gonna have number two?
Speaker 1: Or what are you thinking? Like it's just like everyone
Speaker 1: asks that and like I just don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel.
Speaker 2: I mean when people ask me about kids, I don't
Speaker 2: I never am like frustrated. I'm just like people are
Speaker 2: just curious because it's like the stages of life and
Speaker 2: what you do, and obviously we're not getting younger, so
Speaker 2: it's kind of like.
Speaker 1: Hey, like you doing this your eggs? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I've thought about it.
Speaker 2: I go back and forth on it because I know
Speaker 2: people who have done it, and you know it's a
Speaker 2: process and then you have them, and I feel like
Speaker 2: it would be smart for me to have that insurance.
Speaker 1: Have you gotten like your eggs like scanned or anything?
Speaker 1: I know, and you should start with here.
Speaker 2: I am I'll the psychic and God just like Pomeranians
Speaker 2: Pomeranian souls waiting for me.
Speaker 1: I mean, if I was a psychic, I would say
Speaker 1: I see soul waiting for just one soul really just
Speaker 1: a singular. The thing is is I I feel very
Speaker 1: confident with being like I feel very maternal, and I
Speaker 1: do feel very nurturing, and I know I would, like
Speaker 1: I said it would that would be my whole life.
Speaker 2: But I also am just realistic about where I'm at
Speaker 2: and wanting that. And it's such a decision for us,
Speaker 2: you know, like it's such a process to go through
Speaker 2: of like you know, finding a donor, freezing our eggs,
Speaker 2: doing all the things, and that's just it's it would be,
Speaker 2: it's it would be a huge choice to make, you know,
Speaker 2: and when it be like, let's just see what happens
Speaker 2: and try. So I think that's another part of it too.
Speaker 2: We really have to really be sure. I think you'd
Speaker 2: be so happy with whichever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how I feel. I'll genuinely like saying that
Speaker 1: about you, Like I think you and you're going to
Speaker 1: be like an aunt to so many and already are
Speaker 1: an aunt to so many. I am aunt Becca, Yeah,
Speaker 1: and so you're gonna get that like you know, relationship
Speaker 1: with children regardless. Yeah, and they're they're yours as well
Speaker 1: their mine, and then I give them back. Yeah when
Speaker 1: you want to go to sleep.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe those are the souls waiting for me to
Speaker 2: be the aunt. Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2: Thank you for being so vulnerable and open and sharing
Speaker 2: the good, the bad, all the things, the nasty, the
Speaker 2: nasty of yourself.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. I love scrubbing in. Longtime listener, well,
Speaker 1: longtime listener, yeah or what is it, longtime listener, longtime
Speaker 1: fan or something. Now it's like first time follower, longtime listener.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Hard to say. This was fun though,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you everybody for listening. We hope it
Speaker 1: was informative and we love you so much. By my