WEBVTT - Kicking and Screaming 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:00.840 Trigger warning. 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:03.560 For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health, 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:06.160 postpartum depression, and trying to conceive. 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:10.280 Scrubbing In with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:18.360 People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello everybody, We're back with 0:00:18.440 --> 0:00:22.400 scrubbing In. We are scrubbing, We are scrubbing in. Great job. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.480 This is Part two with Ali because we talked for 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:27.800 so long the first episode that I was like, we 0:00:27.840 --> 0:00:29.320 just need to split it up and have a part 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:30.840 two because we. 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:31.760 Have so much to talk about. 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:36.159 Because we talked about, you know, getting pregnant, giving birth, labor, 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:39.400 and then when you get talked about your postpartum depression 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.239 and going through that. So you spent what was it 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:44.159 you said, seven weeks? 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:49.360 Like the whole episode? What your postpartum depression? I thought 0:00:49.360 --> 0:00:53.560 even the episode of the podcast not Everything is a 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:56.920 podcast by guy went in in my mind episodes or 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:01.400 TV and podcast, So you just like I was like, bro, No, 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:08.240 my depressive episode was like nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah, 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:11.360 do you want to talk about like how I fixed it? Well, yeah, 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:13.319 that's what I'm saying. So you're you're going through it. 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:16.480 They're like, hey, you're You're obsessively trying to figure out 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:18.880 what's going on to the point where Carson's taking your 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:19.800 phone away from you. 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:24.360 You know. I was like on Reddit, formulas, formulas, forums, formulas, 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:28.400 I was like on chat GPT, like I extended all 0:01:28.440 --> 0:01:32.520 of my free messaging with it. Stay away from chatchipt. 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.199 He is a dangerous fella. Yeah, and he's just says 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:38.480 what you want, not what you need. I was telling 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:40.880 Hayley this the other day. She goes, oh my god, 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:43.280 chat chipc SID. I go, of course, of course you did. 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:48.240 Yeah, it's it's like sometimes I use it for recipes. 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:52.160 It's really hot your health well. Also, like the psychiatrist 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.680 was like, the amount of times people using chat ChiPT 0:01:54.800 --> 0:01:58.360 for mental health questions is like astronomical and it is 0:01:58.600 --> 0:01:59.320 very dangerous. 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:03.960 Yeah, so you were doing that, and you what because 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:07.920 at one point you you were trying different medicines but 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:08.880 nothing was working. 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:12.359 So I'll just be candid. I was trying. They put 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:16.519 me on Zoloft and that's like the common number one 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:22.680 antidepressant for postpartum. It did it. It wasn't working. So 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:25.880 it's like the thing with antidepressants is they take weeks 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:27.880 to work. They take a really long time, and I 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:29.600 did not know that. I kind of was like, okay, 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:34.080 take it on like ANX You're like, okay, I feel this. No, 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:37.120 it takes a while. I think we tried a couple 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:40.360 of weeks, maybe five or something, and then she was like, 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:47.240 let's switch and we moved to Lexapro. And I think 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:51.040 initially we didn't want to go on lexapro because it 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:53.359 makes you gain a lot of weight, like that's kind 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:56.200 of when it's known to be a weight gainer. I 0:02:56.240 --> 0:02:59.280 don't know how to say that more eloquently, but was 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:04.359 like it was like a way inflection and appetite, yeah something, 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:07.840 rather which like I mean, in hindsight, who cares, Like 0:03:07.880 --> 0:03:09.760 your mental health is more important than what your body 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:13.000 looks like. But anyways, that was a decision that was 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:14.640 me and the end Zoloft is usually just like the 0:03:14.680 --> 0:03:19.240 first the first line of defense, So switch to lexapro. Still, 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:21.280 like you know, a couple of weeks in wasn't working. 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.480 I in the mix of all this like switching medicines 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:28.840 and stuff, I also wasn't sleeping, so they put me 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:31.280 on something to like help me sleep, and I think 0:03:31.280 --> 0:03:33.040 that was like the biggest thing, like once I started 0:03:33.080 --> 0:03:36.640 sleeping consistently, like that was going to be the thing 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:39.120 that like helped me recover. And they do say that, 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.640 like it is such a big piece of recovery, Which 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:43.640 how do you do that if you don't have help 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:45.840 and you have a crying baby? That doesn't like like 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:48.040 it's just it does. None of it makes sense, right, 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:53.760 Like I was so blessed to have and so privileged 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:56.680 to have the resources and help around me, but so 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.120 many women do not. And so it's like, how is 0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:01.760 recovery possible if sleep is what you need but you 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:03.320 can't sleep because you have to take care of a 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:05.160 crying baby in your single mom, in your single mom 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:08.000 working jobs, So how do you recover from that? And 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:12.520 like our government doesn't help you, Like, yeah, none of 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:17.159 it makes sense. So in the mix of this, I 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:21.560 was doing like virtual therapy a few times, and like 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:24.120 finally they were like you need to we need to 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:26.960 ramp this up because nothing's working. Like this is bad bad. 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:28.920 It was like very critical, very severe. There's like so 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:32.120 many levels of postpartum depression, like mine was on the 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:36.200 very very bad spectrum of it, And so I went 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:40.640 into something called an iop which is a in what 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:43.400 does it stand for? I didn't even know it had 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:47.800 a name. It has a thing, oh oh something something 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:53.599 like a psychotherapy type in patient outpatient program or something 0:04:53.680 --> 0:05:00.800 like that program. Day, Okay, it's going to It's called 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:03.240 an IOP. You don't need to know what that means 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:07.200 when people are wanting to look into Yeah, so google IOP. 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:10.640 A lot of the like paranatal programs that most like 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:15.600 hospitals have this, like UCLA and some others, like not 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:19.400 all of them do, but some do. And this was 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:21.479 a program that I would go to three times a 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:27.279 week in person and I would have therapy, I would 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:29.479 meet with a psychiatrist, and then I would have like 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.160 group sessions with other women going through postpartu depression at 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:38.039 a level as critical as mine. And so at first 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:39.800 I was like no, like, I'm not doing this. This 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:42.600 is like, this is intense. There's no way I'm doing this. 0:05:42.680 --> 0:05:48.320 Oh you were kicking, screaming. And I don't know why 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:50.400 I was fighting it so bad, because I was also 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.240 so desperate to get better, and like my doctor was like, 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:57.000 just do this. I promise it's going to get you better, 0:05:57.400 --> 0:05:59.320 and I was like she. I was also having an 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:06.240 attitude towards so it's like a reoccurring theme for God. 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:10.520 So I go first day. I can't drive at this point, 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:12.960 Like I can't, Like I'm pretty much like non functional. 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:17.520 I'm so yessed, So get driven there crying the whole way. 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:19.680 I don't want to go. Like the first few sessions, 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:24.320 I'm like just crying, non engaged, like, But what slowly 0:06:24.680 --> 0:06:27.160 started to shift was my connection I made with other 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:28.920 women in the program and like a few of which 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:33.640 I still talk to today, and having that like dialogue 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:36.600 with them and that like connection of like, wait, that's 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:38.279 what you're going through, That's what I'm going through, Like 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:43.240 I don't, like, there's something so powerful about that, And 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:45.880 it really like just started to like make me feel 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:48.640 warm inside. And like I saw a shift where I'd 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:51.400 like enjoy going to the program. I was sleeping a 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:53.840 little bit more like things were starting to kind of 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:56.600 like shift it at the same time obviously stopping the 0:06:56.640 --> 0:07:01.800 breastfeeding and kind of like everything came together. And like 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:04.560 I said, it took like nine ish weeks, which in 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:08.479 like relatively speaking, is short for like a postpartum like 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:12.760 episode as bad as the one I had. I mean, 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:15.040 I there was women in the program that were a 0:07:15.120 --> 0:07:17.960 year postpartum, still dealing with it, and they had gotten 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:22.120 it from like day one of having birth. So it's 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.760 a spectrum of like the level of it to how 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:28.360 long it lasts, Like it's all across the board. But 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:31.080 that's ultimately how I got better. I don't know like 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:33.760 what one thing was the thing. I think stopping the 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:35.960 breastfeeding is probably the most powerful thing because I was 0:07:36.000 --> 0:07:38.680 like taking the antidepressants for a minute and they weren't 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:40.920 doing a thing, and that was the only thing that 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:44.200 like really really shifted me. And I think like the 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:48.080 structure and like the interaction and communication with like the 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:50.680 doctors and the other women like really like put like 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:54.200 structure and just my day was like filled, so I 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:57.000 was able to like not think about the depression as much. 0:07:57.040 --> 0:08:00.240 So I think that really helped. But yeah, I mean 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:04.240 it's like my recovery is like loaded with privilege, like 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:07.560 that program in itself, Like you have to have medical insurance, 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:11.280 you have to It's like you have to be chosen 0:08:11.320 --> 0:08:13.200 to be able to like get in it. Like there's 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:16.960 so much stuff it's access right, Like it's yeah, and 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:22.600 this is so unfair, Like if this situation like has 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:27.800 made me so enraged about like how women and specifically 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:31.440 like pregnant women and mothers are treated in this country, 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:35.200 Like I need to do something about it, and like 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:37.520 I know how hard the situation was for me, but 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:41.040 like I know that this was like this happened for 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:44.920 a reason, and like I'm gonna change women's lives because 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:47.280 of this, and like I don't know how yet, but 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:50.240 like I'm going to, and like it's just so unfair, 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:51.200 Like it's really unfair. 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:53.920 I also think being able to acknowledge that, because I 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:56.400 think so many people just go, you just have to 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:58.160 go into a program and you just need to get 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:02.560 on medication and just have access to and it's like 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.559 it's just not I think being able to acknowledge that. 0:09:05.760 --> 0:09:08.480 And also I also think sharing your story. 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:10.920 I mean, this is really vulnerable and dark and deep, 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:13.320 and so many people just are like I don't want 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:16.240 to talk about it because regardless of where if it's 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:19.880 shame or guilt or whatever they're feeling, keep it to themselves, 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:23.760 as opposed to going like, hey, we're in this together, 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:26.760 and at some point if we both experience the same thing, 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:28.960 we can help each other feel more seen, which is 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:31.760 I mean, you had me you had all these other people, 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:33.679 but no one understood what you were going through. 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:39.720 We're just like, yeah, just be it, be happy, you 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:41.800 know what. You just almost want to be like wait, 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:43.839 why is it so bad? Like I want you to 0:09:43.920 --> 0:09:44.720 laugh again, you know. 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:47.680 And it's like finding that community of women who were 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:54.079 navigating something so personal and scary that and having that 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:59.400 is so invaluable. Like I think that people should at 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:01.880 the very le least have access to talk to people 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:04.240 who are going through that, which I feel like you're 0:10:04.320 --> 0:10:07.120 kind of creating a community, yeah, for women to talk 0:10:07.120 --> 0:10:07.520 about it. 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:11.280 Yeah. Yeah, I mean I and I don't know what, 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:15.520 Like I've started sharing on my social media, like my experience. 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:19.040 I started a substack and shared my and wrote down 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:22.320 my experience with postpart depression, which actually was really like 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:29.280 therapeutic because I had never like really condensed it together 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:30.880 and like wrote it out and I was like, oh, 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:32.960 this is what happened. Like it felt really good to 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:35.559 do that. And I've been able to connect through social 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:38.280 media with so many women going through this, and I think, 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:40.679 like my doctor even told me, she was like, you're 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:43.040 going to come out of this like so much better 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:45.560 than before, and like trust me, you're going to do 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:48.000 something with that, And I was like, okay, like I'll 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:52.960 give it, giving her an I'm sure grying in the corner. 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:57.200 And it's true, like I feel very I haven't felt 0:10:57.240 --> 0:11:00.240 so passionate about something in a really long time, you 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:02.400 know me, Like I'm always like the little like get her, 0:11:02.440 --> 0:11:04.199 like go get her, Like I'm like, let's build a business, 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:05.920 let's do this. Let's like this is like kind of 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:08.520 like my thing right now that I'm really really excited 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:12.360 about for so many reasons. But I don't know. I 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:14.640 think it's like and I even wanted to come on 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:16.600 here and talk about it even though it's like it's 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.640 hard because it's like it's yes, it's talked about, but 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:22.880 like not enough in my opinion, and not in a 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.760 way that's like clinical. You know, it's like all it 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:28.160 is very clinical or really from a doctor from like 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:31.120 not from the perspective of like someone real going through it, 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:35.839 and like real lived connection was the thing that I 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:37.680 think was so important in my healing. 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:44.480 So so nine weeks go by, you stop pumping and breastfeeding, 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:48.520 you feel like you're yourself coming back. Yeah, in a 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.800 totally new way though, like a very different version of yourself. 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:54.960 It was like waking up from a nightmare, like the 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:58.160 only way I spent like nine to ten weeks being 0:11:58.240 --> 0:11:59.400 chased by like a lion. 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:01.680 Literally, Oh, I was gonna say. I remember asking you 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:04.040 like because you couldn't really explain to me what you 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:05.000 were feeling, because I was like. 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.679 What do you feel? Are you or is it like sadness? 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:10.720 Are you? I don't get the why aren't you sleeping? Part? 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:15.440 Yeah, And then you explained it like when someone jumps 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.320 out at you and scares you, that initial feeling of 0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:23.439 fear and panic, but like all the time, which sounds like. 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:27.559 Hell hell yeah. It was like yeah, that like rush 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:30.840 of like adrenaline and fear twenty four to seven. Like 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.880 I was just like like I had like picked my 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:36.760 nails raw, I was like biting them. I was like 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:39.840 so fidgety, Like I had so much like tension, and 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:42.880 it was not only mentals really physical for me too, 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:46.760 like I had like body aches and pains and like jitteriness, 0:12:46.840 --> 0:12:50.440 and like it was hormones are a crazy thing, like 0:12:50.520 --> 0:12:53.520 it really really is. And I think Jennifer Lawrence went 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:55.880 on a podcast for like The New York Times and 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:59.800 she said she had literally the same experience as me. 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:02.520 She breastfoot she was breastfeeding, and she was weaning, and 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:06.960 she completely crashed out. And she she said on that podcast, 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:09.640 which I think after I had explained it to people, 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.360 I had listened to that, so I don't think I 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:13.360 had gotten it from her, but who knows. Thing's a 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:15.200 little bit of a blur. But she said it felt 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.880 like being chased by a tiger twenty four to seven 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:23.160 all day long. Yeah, and that really like it was 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:28.160 really relatable to hear that that's so scary. That sounds horrible, 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:30.040 like a horrible feeling. Yeah. And then that's why, like 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:33.559 I couldn't sleep because it's like and you're just like like, 0:13:33.880 --> 0:13:36.080 you know, being scared over and over and over again. Yeah. 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:41.040 So you come out of it and you're and Remy 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:44.400 is and that's like it's kind of worked out in 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:46.960 the sense that like Remy was just such a baby 0:13:47.000 --> 0:13:51.520 that he was just doing his Moto Man anger spells 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:54.040 but he didn't know what was going on. No, And 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.120 I I in the mix of it, though, I was 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:58.440 like I felt so much guilt. I'm like, oh my god, 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.280 like I'm doing the postpart ofs of preussion, like he's 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:04.560 going to be so affected by this, and and like 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:07.840 he had so much love around him. He had my friends, 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:10.760 he had my parents, he had his Carson's parents, like 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:13.480 he had Carston, like he was just he had our 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:18.199 nanny meem like he was taking care of the prince 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:21.360 was fine. And I think like people had to tell 0:14:21.400 --> 0:14:24.880 me that, like he's doing fine. You're not doing it fine, 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:28.160 you gotta get better, Yes, because he's chilling. Yeah, he's 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:31.160 he's totally okay. And I think that like helped me 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:35.480 get through this because I was really like concerned with, 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:38.840 you know, his outcome, because of like how the state 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:42.040 I was in, and he was so young. You know, No, 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:45.640 he doesn't, he doesn't. You don't like remember anything before 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:48.040 five or something. Yeah, I think my first memory is 0:14:48.080 --> 0:15:08.920 from like kindergarten or something. Fine, we're not worried about him. 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:15.880 But where we now, we are in a place of pleasure. Pleasure. 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:20.120 I have never felt better in my life, Like I 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:24.360 am genuinely so happy. I'm still on lexapro, yeah, but 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:27.440 I am on the very very very smallest dose, which 0:15:27.440 --> 0:15:30.960 we have discussed. You have always had a level of 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:36.240 anxiety that, you know, affected small things like daily life 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:39.160 things and then flying and you know all the things 0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:43.440 that bring it up. I ran a little interies. Yeah, 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.680 so you may have always needed a small dose of 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:49.760 the liking. So I'm like, my doctor's like, you can 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.640 go off a year and a half postpartum. That's kind 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:55.160 of like her time frame for when like the hormones. 0:15:55.680 --> 0:15:58.400 Oh just so I like six more months, Okay, a 0:15:58.480 --> 0:16:01.000 year and a half postpartum, but we'll see, like when 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:02.640 I get there and I'm not ready, then I'm not ready, 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.120 and then I continue totally on the lex Yeah that. 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:09.360 You're on lexapro small, You've you've and you also did 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:11.240 that in a very safe way of like waning. 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:13.600 Oh that's like really important that you Yeah. 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.040 Yeah, and you love being a mom. 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:20.360 I love being a mom. It's so crazy. I literally 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:20.800 was like. 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:26.960 I'm not in some way, but I was just like 0:16:27.000 --> 0:16:31.160 out of all my friends, there's just yeah, well you 0:16:31.240 --> 0:16:32.920 decided you wanted to have kids. 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:35.120 I was just like, no way, Ally's gonna have kids. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.960 Like she's not like maternal, She's not like maternal is 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:39.880 the word. I'm not maternal nurture. 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.280 I'm like a little cold ice queen, a nasty cold 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.600 ice queen. And we're like this to each other where 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:50.120 we barely hug, like we'll hug about you. Yeah, Okay, 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:53.880 that's enough, you know. Yeah, and it's been so fun. Well, 0:16:53.920 --> 0:16:57.200 even like before obviously it got dark, Like even that 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:58.040 part of it, I. 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:03.280 Was like, wow, she really stepped into this role so naturally. Yeah, 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:06.480 it's been so fun to watch you do it because. 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:10.560 I love it. Yeah, Like I have never felt more 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:15.359 like passion or excitement or like like I feel at home. 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:17.760 You know. It's like I was so homesick. Now I 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:23.320 feel so home home at home. Yeah, he's so cute. 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:24.680 I've had to worry. 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:27.159 I've never had to work so hard for a child 0:17:27.200 --> 0:17:31.040 to like me. Then of course my best friend's baby. Yeah, 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:32.600 he's not sure about you. 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:34.919 No, last time he was like into me. Yeah he 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:40.679 was Indie last time. But he's he's a he's a 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:46.320 prickly little fella. Yeah, very attached to you. I wish 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:48.560 I should have brought him. What are your thoughts on? 0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:52.760 That would have been a fifteen minute podcast. What are 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:55.040 your thoughts on? Okay, I want to talk about this. 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:58.360 Was I should have asked this before? But finding out 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:03.159 the gender because there's a lot of conversations about you know, 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:06.760 gender disappointment and having you know, expectations of what you 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:08.880 think your life is going to look like as a parent. 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:10.320 And I want to do to talk about that a 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:10.760 little bit. 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:14.360 Yeah, okay, so I feel like correct me if I'm wrong. 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:18.399 I think every girl wants a girl. I don't know 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:22.480 really okay, majority, let's say majority. I think like when 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.439 you think of having a baby, you kind of just 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:26.600 think of like what you know, you know, what it's 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.879 like to be a girl, grow up as a girl, 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:31.639 and blah blah blah blah. So I kind of just 0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:33.080 like in my I was like, I'm a girl, I 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:36.000 have girls, Like I don't know how I'm not creating penises, 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:40.000 Like how would I ever create one? But when I 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:43.800 found out, okay, so I control issues. I did the 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:45.919 what is that thing called that? I did, like the 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:49.880 really early you basically like get this thing in the mail, 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.840 you prick your finger or like you prick your arm 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:55.520 and you do the blood like this is at like 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:56.399 five weeks. 0:18:56.480 --> 0:18:58.600 She was the most impatient. I felt like you were 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:01.159 pregnant for three years because you found out so early. 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:02.840 For everything. Yeah, I mean I found out. I was 0:19:02.840 --> 0:19:04.359 pregnant like three and a half weeks. I found the 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:06.680 gender out at like four weeks, like it was yeah, 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:10.040 it was sentenced, so anyways, mail it in and it's 0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:12.959 it's like, okay, be careful about getting like male DNA 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.360 on it because that can like shift the thing. I 0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:20.080 have three male pets, I live with my husband. Obviously, 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:22.760 my brother comes over, like there's men in my life. 0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:26.199 So I was like, okay, I gotta be super careful. 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:29.359 So I do it. I mail it in. It comes 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:32.040 back and also like uneventful. We kind of just like 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:34.119 opened it up on the thing and were and it 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:38.080 said mail and we both were like, no, I don't 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:43.159 think so, I don't know. There's no way like literally 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:46.520 fifty fifty and I was like Brooks. I was like, 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:51.600 Brooks got licked me and his DNA gone on it. 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:55.160 This could probably have been the start of some hormonal 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:59.119 issues happening. And I was like, yeah, that's why. So 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:01.320 I didn't believe it. Did I even tell you that 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:05.000 it came back mail? Yeah, oh I did, but I 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:07.280 was just kind of like, that's insane. Let's just wait 0:20:07.320 --> 0:20:09.440 till so then I yeah, no, I know, And then 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:12.720 got the real like the NP I t blood test 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:18.399 where they do it and also mail confirmed shocking confirmed. 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.639 I did. I did find on like a Reddit forum 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:25.119 that like a lot of people had it like, wasn't 0:20:25.160 --> 0:20:29.440 right the beginning one? Yeah, that makes sense, Yeah, because 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:31.720 there's a lot of room for error when you're testing 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:34.960 yourself in your laboratory, in your bathroom laboratory, they have 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:38.920 your blood. Simple, yeah, you's got that. Now, we don't recommend. 0:20:39.640 --> 0:20:43.239 I don't know what is it called, and I google it. 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:49.240 It's a thing. Yes, I don't know. I think at 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:52.639 first I was like a boy. I think there feels 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:56.000 like a lot of pressure of like especially in today's climate, 0:20:56.160 --> 0:21:01.040 like raising a man, a man, a full blown man, 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:03.280 like there's gonna be a man in my home. Like 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:05.480 I think that when I think that's a man in 0:21:05.520 --> 0:21:14.520 your room? Oh another man? Two men, yeah, two men. 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:18.320 I don't know. I think I think I felt this 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:21.760 immense amount of like oh my god, this like you know, 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:23.600 like a girl. It's like you braid hair and you 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:26.800 do ballet and it seems just really like easy. I 0:21:26.840 --> 0:21:29.000 love that you think you're like a girl who does 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:32.280 ballet and like super girly, which is like I feel 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:33.760 like all of my friends were like, you're such a 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:38.280 boy mom. Yeah, it actually makes total sense. Yeah, but 0:21:38.640 --> 0:21:40.720 I did a video on this from this I don't 0:21:41.000 --> 0:21:43.080 know this creator's name, but she did this video about 0:21:43.320 --> 0:21:46.440 there's not my take on it is. It's not boy mom, 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:51.040 girl mom, it's raccoon mom versus unicorn mom. This is 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:54.600