1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,400 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,880 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break 8 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,560 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. I want to start 9 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 1: out by asking you a few questions. Do you ever 10 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,559 Speaker 1: feel like you need to be perfect, that you are 11 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: responsible for the emotions of others. You are the organizer 12 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 1: of the friendship group, highly self reliant, an overachiever, constantly 13 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:04,039 Speaker 1: aid anxious about the future, thinking about whether your siblings 14 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,399 Speaker 1: and your parents are going to be okay. Do you 15 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: feel like you grew up too quickly, almost like you're 16 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: asleep for a huge chunk of your childhood and just 17 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,600 Speaker 1: never got to experience it, cannot remember it at all. 18 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: I would make a good guess that if you answered 19 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 1: yes to all of those questions, you are the eldest daughter, 20 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: and you might be experiencing what has been coined as 21 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:34,000 Speaker 1: eldest daughter syndrome. That is exactly what we are going 22 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 1: to be discussing in today's episode. This was so highly 23 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: requested after the episode we did on the Curse of 24 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: Being an Overachiever, where we spoke about this very briefly. 25 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: But if you haven't listened to that episode, make sure 26 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: you add it to your queue because it's kind of 27 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 1: like a sister episode in some way. It will answer 28 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: a lot more questions for you. But today we are 29 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 1: specifically just talking about the eldest daughter. So the eldest 30 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: daughter in a family often faces a very unique set 31 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: of experiences and I would say responsibilities due to kind 32 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: of the parallel influence of birth order, age, and then 33 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: gender as well. The pressure and the expectations associated with 34 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 1: these characteristics cause eldest daughters to develop very specific certain 35 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 1: personality traits or even mental health challenges as well. Because 36 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 1: they have been required to grow up a lot quicker, 37 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 1: be a role model or even a caregiver to their 38 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 1: young younger siblings, and also live up simultaneously to the 39 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:47,200 Speaker 1: very high expectations of their parents. Eldest daughters often fit 40 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 1: a certain profile in that way, a certain personality profile. 41 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: They're often very self reliant, and independent. They find it 42 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 1: hard to trust other people with tasks that need to 43 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 1: be done because that would require them to give up 44 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 1: a sense of control. They often feel accountable for the 45 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:12,720 Speaker 1: families happiness, future well being. They're complimented on being mature 46 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 1: for their age. They are labeled as an overachiever or 47 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 1: my favorite term, a gifted child. I despise that term 48 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,639 Speaker 1: from a young age, and there's a lot of pressure, 49 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: either explicit or implicit, that has put on them to 50 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,679 Speaker 1: get perfect grades and to really excel at their careers. 51 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: They have a lot of people pleasing tendencies, They are 52 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: afraid to say no, to let people down. And then 53 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 1: of course we have like the age old stereotype of 54 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: eldest daughters being very bossy and domineering, which if I'm 55 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: being honest, I tend to agree with. As the eldest child. 56 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: There are thousands, I would say, if not millions and 57 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: possibly billions, Let's stick with millions millions of eldest daughters 58 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:04,160 Speaker 1: out there who can relate to these quote unquote symptoms 59 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: and the experiences of elder's daughter syndrome. We are seeing 60 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 1: viral tiktoks of people kind of describing the stress of 61 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: the excess of emotional and physical labor that we take on. 62 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,640 Speaker 1: But most importantly, at the core of this experience, the 63 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,840 Speaker 1: impression that we aren't being cared for the way that 64 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: we care for others. That is so critical, and I 65 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: think that is such a source of pain for eldest 66 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,159 Speaker 1: daughters in particular. And when we see that many people, 67 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: I think talking about a unique experience of a certain 68 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,719 Speaker 1: type of person in society. I think it's something that 69 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 1: we need to pay attention to and explore because there 70 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 1: is so much surprising psychology that comes with holding this 71 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,560 Speaker 1: position and this role in the family, and I think 72 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 1: a lot of unexpected, sometimes long term consequences that linger 73 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: with us into adulthood, impacting things like how we view 74 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: our academics or work, or career success or romantic relationships, 75 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 1: even what happiness actually looks like for us. So there 76 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:12,799 Speaker 1: are theories around birth order, around parentification, early twenties, rebellion, 77 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:18,400 Speaker 1: gender theory, so much to cover. And I feel personally 78 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,720 Speaker 1: very invested in this topic and all the research and 79 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: the studies and psychology that come along with it, because, 80 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,040 Speaker 1: as I said, I'm the eldest daughter, I am one 81 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: of three kids. I have two younger sisters with an 82 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:34,840 Speaker 1: age gap of about six and eight years, and as 83 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:38,359 Speaker 1: we have all grown up, it's been so interesting to 84 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 1: see how our dynamic and personalities have been influenced by 85 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: like where we were born in, like which order we 86 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: were born in, you know, like the middle child of 87 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: the youngest child, the oldest child. Particularly how much responsibility 88 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: I feel for my sisters I moved out of home 89 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,080 Speaker 1: when you know, one of them was ten and one 90 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,120 Speaker 1: of them was twelve, like they were still children, And 91 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: so it's so interesting that in my mind they still 92 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: are those little kids, like running around. I feel such 93 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:13,159 Speaker 1: a sense of protectiveness for them, but I'm also able 94 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 1: to acknowledge the level of permissiveness that they now have 95 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: for my parents, how the household rules have really changed, 96 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,599 Speaker 1: and also the additional emotional labor that I feel like 97 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,920 Speaker 1: I do for the family that quite frankly, I'm happy 98 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: to do. But the older I've gotten, the more I've 99 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: started to perhaps recognize that maybe my enjoyment of that 100 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: has been conditioned rather than like voluntarily chosen. As I've 101 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 1: explored this further and talked to others, it's so fascinating 102 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: to see how what I thought was unique to how 103 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,040 Speaker 1: I was raised, may actually have been a lot more 104 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,520 Speaker 1: based on the fact that I'm not just the eldest 105 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,599 Speaker 1: child but also a girl, well a woman now, but 106 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 1: a girl once. Nearly every single one of my female 107 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,679 Speaker 1: friends are eldest daughters, maybe because part of our shared 108 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 1: experiences has kind of brought us closer or meant that 109 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: our styles and ways of thinking, our values are so 110 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 1: aligned because we know what it's like to have people 111 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: relying on us all the time, and we know what 112 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 1: it's like to never really feel appreciated, to feel like 113 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 1: we have to do it all. It's really actually quite 114 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: fascinating because in an article published in Scientific America, they 115 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:30,160 Speaker 1: actually concluded that firstborn children are more likely to actually 116 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 1: associate with other firstborn children and like be friends with them. 117 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: Middle borns most more likely to be friends with people 118 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: who are middle born, and last bones are also more 119 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: likely to be friends with last borns. So it's like 120 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: it's kind of like we pick our friends based on 121 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 1: where we were born in the family and kind of 122 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: the personality traits that we share. Then I started looking 123 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 1: at my past relationships. I saw this pattern of only 124 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,520 Speaker 1: ever dating people who are either only children or younger sons. 125 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,000 Speaker 1: That's when it got a little bit weird for me, 126 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 1: because I started thinking, like, am I just replicating the 127 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 1: relationship that I had with my siblings by choosing people 128 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: that I can almost mother. Someone pointed out to me 129 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:19,200 Speaker 1: that when you've taken on the caregiving, people pleasing role, 130 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,760 Speaker 1: the independent role your entire life with your family, you 131 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: can't just switch it off when it comes to your relationships. 132 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 1: You repeat the same role you have been taught to 133 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: play your entire life, just in a slightly different way. 134 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: And one way that shows up in relationships, particularly romantic relationships, 135 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: is this concept of the mental load. So the mental 136 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,120 Speaker 1: load refers to a lot of that invisible labor that 137 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 1: we often take on of like organizing and planning not 138 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: just our lives, but the lives of our partner, you know, 139 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 1: keeping track of where things are in the house, reminding 140 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: your partner of appointments or plans, you know, to text 141 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 1: their mom on their birthday, always planning what you're going 142 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: to do on the weekend, going on a trip, and 143 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: making sure the flight's are booked, that the itinerary is finalized, 144 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:10,240 Speaker 1: the travel insurance is paid for. That is the mental 145 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,480 Speaker 1: load and It's more than just emotional and physical labor. 146 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:18,199 Speaker 1: It's this unequal reliance on the cognitive resources, particularly of women, 147 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: particularly of eldest daughters in a relationship. I always thought 148 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:27,480 Speaker 1: that I was just a planner. It turns out maybe not. 149 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 1: These are just a few of the ways that I've 150 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: seen this syndrome kind of manifest in my social relationships, 151 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,719 Speaker 1: but there are so many other areas where we see 152 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 1: consequences and influence on behavior. I mentioned this one before. 153 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,000 Speaker 1: I think it's one of the biggest ones, but overachieving 154 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:46,319 Speaker 1: and perfectionist tendencies. I think eldest daughters are second only 155 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,599 Speaker 1: to only children in the level of academic pressure that 156 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: they endure, but also due to the individual attension that 157 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,319 Speaker 1: they receive from their parents before the arrival of their 158 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,480 Speaker 1: other siblings. It feels like there is more of a 159 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: spotline on them, that they have an example to set. 160 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,200 Speaker 1: As we spoke about in our episode on overachievers, when 161 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: your worth becomes tied to external praise, to accolades, to accomplishment, 162 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: you begin to lose touch with your inherent worth, but 163 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: also find it really impossible to slow down or just 164 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 1: take a break without feeling guilty. We start to equate 165 00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: rest with laziness, even if your parents aren't saying anything anymore, 166 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: even if it just becomes self imposed. You're also more 167 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,440 Speaker 1: likely to be highly empathetic and sensitive. That's a good one, 168 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 1: but mainly the reason for that is because you see 169 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 1: your role in the family, in any kind of relationship 170 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: or group dynamic as keeping people happy. That is your 171 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 1: job to be the mediator, So that requires an additional 172 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 1: level of hypervigilance towards small emotional cues and reactions of 173 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,480 Speaker 1: other people. I believe that this also contributes to a 174 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: sense of protectiveness that we have when it comes to 175 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 1: our siblings. I'm not a mother, I have never had 176 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: a child, but you know that thing that new parents 177 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 1: say when they're like, when my child was born, I realized, 178 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,319 Speaker 1: like I could never love anything more, like I would 179 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 1: die for this child. I kind of get that. I 180 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 1: feel that when it comes to my siblings, it's like 181 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: this fierce sense or acknowledgment that God forbid your parents 182 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: were to pass away, you would be the caregiver. You 183 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: are the oldest, you have to take care of the family. 184 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 1: In some way, you have to take care of the 185 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: younger kids. I think that's maybe one of the upsides 186 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: of being the eldest daughter, not that like impending sense 187 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 1: of doom, but the sense of like protectiveness. But then 188 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 1: also independence and leadership that a lot of eldest daughters have. 189 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 1: It's what makes them like so great in the workplace 190 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,680 Speaker 1: and like so great when it comes to leading a 191 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 1: group of people or being a really good friend, is 192 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,839 Speaker 1: that they are a natural born leader. That emotional sensitivity, though, 193 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: also has its downsides, especially as we are going into 194 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,040 Speaker 1: the holiday season. As I'm recording this, I think it 195 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: becomes very apparent where this begins to harm us. All 196 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: of the family comes together, there's going to be tension 197 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,400 Speaker 1: or at least chaos, a lot of chores to be done, cooking, cleaning, shopping, hosting. 198 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: The eldest daughter often steps up during this time and 199 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:34,199 Speaker 1: probably experiences the most emotional and mental exhaustion, second only 200 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 1: to their mothers, because that is who they've learnt to 201 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: do this from, that is their female role model. Obviously 202 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 1: that's not true in all cases, but think about who 203 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: in your family does the most work around the holiday season, 204 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: not just physical chores, but who carries the mental load. 205 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: I would bet you it's the women and your family, 206 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: and I would bet you that you are one of 207 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,080 Speaker 1: those women. One person put this so well, it's like 208 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: being the eldest daughter is like having an una paid 209 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,440 Speaker 1: internship for the rest of your life. This really points 210 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: to how the combination of gender and birth order causes 211 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: us to take on so much more physical, emotional, mental, 212 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 1: cognitive labor and from a young age. So the younger 213 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 1: that you begin doing that, the younger that you become 214 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: the eldest sibling, the eldest daughter, the more of a 215 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:25,080 Speaker 1: lifelong impact that is going to have on you because 216 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: you have really, I don't know, not been indoctrinated, but 217 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 1: you've really taken on this role as part of your identity. 218 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 1: It has been part of your reality for a lot longer. 219 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,960 Speaker 1: So why does this happen? Why, like, how do we 220 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: get here? Why is it that we all share such 221 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:47,000 Speaker 1: a similar experience as the eldest daughter. Well, let's break 222 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,840 Speaker 1: it down. I want to start by firstly discussing the 223 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: psychology behind birth order. So in the early like nineteen hundreds, 224 00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:01,000 Speaker 1: this Austrian psychiatrist called Alfred Adler, who you might remember 225 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: from a last week's episode. He came up with the 226 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:08,080 Speaker 1: idea of styles of life and also the inferiority complex. 227 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: But he coined birth order theory, and he proposed that 228 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: the order in which children are born has a really 229 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: profound impact on the individual personalities. So he proposed that 230 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 1: firstborns tend to be really neurotic, so like stressful, stressed, 231 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: more like it, quite dutiful, quite independent, quite conservative. Middle 232 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,000 Speaker 1: children are competitive, they are rebellious, but there are also 233 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: people pleasers, and the youngest sibling tends to be creative, 234 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 1: attention seeking, not very rule following. This has been debated 235 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: for many, many years, but with a lot of renewed 236 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: focus in the last decade or two. And when you 237 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 1: think about it, obviously where you were born in the 238 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 1: family is going to be important, especially since about eighty 239 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: percent of us actually have siblings. That is a big 240 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: part of our childhood and our ow upbringing. We spend 241 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 1: so much time with our brothers and sisters. They share 242 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,360 Speaker 1: our childhood, like that's kind of the beautiful part of it. 243 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: They share our childhood with us. But also they have 244 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 1: a very different relationship to your parents, right like each 245 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,160 Speaker 1: of you. I think if you have siblings, notice is 246 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: that the level of closeness the level of connection, what 247 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: your parents talk to you about, what they trust you with. 248 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 1: It's all very different, very different sometimes. So research does 249 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: suggest some pretty strong kind of shifts in the experiences 250 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: of firstborns and second borns. So this one researcher from 251 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: Penn State who is really like the leader in this 252 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: kind of area of psychology, she puts it really well 253 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: when she was summarizing her research. Parents tend to be 254 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,600 Speaker 1: really focused on getting it right with the first child, 255 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: leading them to kind of fixate on their firstborn's development 256 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,720 Speaker 1: growing up. They're really fixated on their health, on their grades, 257 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,840 Speaker 1: on the friends that they choose, because they're kind of 258 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,680 Speaker 1: like the first one out of the gate, right, they 259 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: are the first kind of go that they have with 260 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,840 Speaker 1: their subsequent children. Though they might be less anxious, they 261 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: feel less need to micromanage, and that can lead to 262 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 1: less tension in like the parent child dynamic. Because there's 263 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960 Speaker 1: less of a spotlight on the second, third, fourth child. 264 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,840 Speaker 1: They begin to relax maybe now because they have like 265 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 1: a quote unquote backup. I know that sounds terrible, but 266 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 1: they've kind of learned the ropes a little bit and 267 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 1: they realize that they can be a little bit more 268 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: hands off, so the way they treat the second, third, 269 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: fourth child is different. And in one study you published 270 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: in the Journal for Family and Marriage, researchers found that 271 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 1: on average, one way that this shows up is that 272 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:50,120 Speaker 1: parents experience less conflict with their second born than their firstborn. 273 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 1: They seem to be less strict with each child. They 274 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,400 Speaker 1: kind of relax the rules. So whilst the firstborn really 275 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,160 Speaker 1: had to push up against maybe a strict system, like 276 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: a certain level of discipline, as the parents have more children, 277 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,119 Speaker 1: they get a lot more relaxed. They have more kids 278 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,040 Speaker 1: to focus on. They just don't have the energy to 279 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 1: make sure everyone's following the rules all the time. I 280 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,639 Speaker 1: think that that is what contributes to the real sense 281 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,760 Speaker 1: of like I need to be perfect, I need to 282 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 1: set the example, but also I have a sense of 283 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,800 Speaker 1: responsibility not just to our siblings, but also to our parents. 284 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: Right the first child is the only child who gets 285 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:37,120 Speaker 1: to know their parents on a completely solo basis, right 286 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: like before the other kids come along, So they're like 287 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,920 Speaker 1: the third member in the relationship for a little bit, 288 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,919 Speaker 1: and because they're around their parents a lot more for 289 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: entertainment and comfort, whereas kids born later on can kind 290 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 1: of turn to their siblings for that. They really get 291 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: to know them particularly well, and they're very attuned to 292 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,639 Speaker 1: their emotions and their feelings and their behavior. In some cases, 293 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: especially if a couple maybe had a child to try 294 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: and save their relationship, or they've placed a lot of 295 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 1: their future in this child, or we're seeing some degree 296 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,399 Speaker 1: of like emotional stability with our parents, maybe divorce or 297 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:17,119 Speaker 1: financial insecurity. We see a secondary process take place here 298 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 1: called parentification. Parentification involves kind of a role reversal between 299 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: parent and child. So the child begins to fulfill the 300 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 1: emotional needs of the parents. The child begins to provide 301 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: advice and comfort. They take on a job to help 302 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: the family pay the bills. They are assign more household responsibilities. 303 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,639 Speaker 1: Their achievements are taken as the parents' achievements, whereas the 304 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 1: parent gets to be a lot more relaxed, gets to 305 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 1: be a lot more like free and emotional and like 306 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,439 Speaker 1: a little bit wild. That is what parentification is, and 307 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: it occurs a lot when there is like some kind 308 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 1: of disruption in the family and there is an eldest 309 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,879 Speaker 1: child who takes on the responsibility. They also try and 310 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,320 Speaker 1: shield younger family members from really hard experiences like arguments 311 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: or separations, and that is kind of why we see 312 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: that level of protectiveness, that level of responsibility form. Additionally, 313 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,480 Speaker 1: the eldest child gets all the important information first, right 314 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: They often they are raised by the book. They are 315 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,239 Speaker 1: taught all the rules, all the chores, the expectations, and 316 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:25,399 Speaker 1: therefore they're responsible for teaching the younger children, leading to 317 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: a sense of physical and emotional accountability and responsibility. They're 318 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,400 Speaker 1: kind of like the third parent in some ways, which 319 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,120 Speaker 1: is why they're often asked to serve as babysitters, as 320 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:42,359 Speaker 1: role models advice givers for their younger siblings. That's that 321 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 1: final element, right, once your eldest child is old enough, 322 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 1: you've got like a free babysitter, like an inbuilt free 323 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,760 Speaker 1: babysitter that you don't have to pay someone you can 324 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,880 Speaker 1: give your duties as a parent to, even if it's 325 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: just temporary. And that is a kind of emotional and 326 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,560 Speaker 1: physical labor that is not expected from the younger siblings, 327 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,119 Speaker 1: even if it may seem minor, even if it's not 328 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,120 Speaker 1: all the time, sometimes the impact is cumulative. We learn 329 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: from those moments in which we have been asked to 330 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,520 Speaker 1: take on kind of the duties of a third parent, 331 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 1: and they help create our personality, and whilst your siblings 332 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: get to be kids, you kind of had to play 333 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: caregiver in those moments. So interestingly, one study suggested that 334 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: when firstborn's, particularly eldest daughters leave the home, their relationship 335 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: with their family actually tends to improve, and the conflict 336 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: commonly increases between parents and their younger children because they 337 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 1: have now taken the spot of the eldest child in 338 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,159 Speaker 1: the house. The spotlight is now put on them. We 339 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: also might kind of see a delayed teenage rebellion for 340 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,120 Speaker 1: the eldest child when they move out, when they get 341 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 1: their own place, when they go off to university, where 342 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,720 Speaker 1: after years of kind of needing to be perfect, to 343 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,760 Speaker 1: be the role model, to do well in school, to 344 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,479 Speaker 1: perform a lot of emotion or labor, they suddenly have 345 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 1: all this freedom. They suddenly get to live for themselves 346 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: or be their own person, and they go a little 347 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 1: bit wild in response. Now, some of these conclusions apply 348 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,359 Speaker 1: to all older children, not disdaughters, but when you combine 349 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: birth order with gender, that's when we really start to 350 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: see this particular pattern and syndrome emerge. So we are 351 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:31,520 Speaker 1: going to discuss the influence of gender of culture and 352 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: also the ways that we can take care of ourselves 353 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 1: as the eldest daughter. After this shortbreak, gender introduces its 354 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,560 Speaker 1: own influences to family dynamics. We like, no, we know this. 355 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,600 Speaker 1: Women are raised differently to boys. They are treated differently 356 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:55,239 Speaker 1: by society. Even when our parents try their hardest to 357 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: make it equal. Sometimes it's unconscious because it's based on 358 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: how they were raised, and they may not even realize 359 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: or recognize how that might be continuing to promote a 360 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,720 Speaker 1: very traditional, outdated role of what women are meant to do. 361 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: When we think about the traditional role of women and girls, 362 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 1: their place has been for many many centuries in the home, 363 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: performing a lot of that invisible domestic labor. There is 364 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 1: a higher expectation on girls from a young age to 365 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,720 Speaker 1: be responsible and sensible even in the school system as well. 366 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: Women are also normally what we would call the families keeper, 367 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,560 Speaker 1: meaning they perform a lot of that invisible labor of 368 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:40,439 Speaker 1: making sure everybody is happy, that conflicts are resolved and 369 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:45,719 Speaker 1: everybody feels paid attention to. They keep the peace as mediators, 370 00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,520 Speaker 1: and they also don't call a lot of attention to 371 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 1: themselves and although many cultures are now turning away from 372 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 1: that conventional and unequal treatment of girls and boys, particularly 373 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,680 Speaker 1: when it comes to domestic duties, it takes more than 374 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: a few generations to eliminate stereotypes that have been attached 375 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: to girlhood and womanhood for literally centuries, for millennia, So 376 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,240 Speaker 1: there's always going to be some kind of residue that 377 00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:16,040 Speaker 1: remains in our unconscious brains that is causing us to 378 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 1: implicitly treat men and women differently. Some people try and 379 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,680 Speaker 1: deny that there are still unequal treatment of men and women, 380 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,240 Speaker 1: especially when it comes to the home, and as we 381 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,400 Speaker 1: see more progressive views towards domestic labor and female empowerment, 382 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 1: we can also recognize that some women you know, want 383 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,200 Speaker 1: to do those things. That is totally fine, But according 384 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 1: to the un girls between the ages of five and 385 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 1: fourteen years old so not really at a point where 386 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,159 Speaker 1: they can make a conscious and informed decision about how 387 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: they want to live their life. They spend forty percent 388 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,440 Speaker 1: more time on domestic work than boys the same age, 389 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: and on top of that, younger daughters spend more time 390 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,920 Speaker 1: on average than young sons doing chores that are consistent 391 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:05,440 Speaker 1: and very timely right, so very intensive chores like keeping 392 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,360 Speaker 1: the house organized, cooking dinner every night, doing the cleaning, 393 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: driving around siblings, providing almost free therapy to their parents, 394 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,760 Speaker 1: their siblings, their relatives. Whereas the jobs and the chores 395 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: that are commonly done by boys are like mowing the lawn, 396 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,639 Speaker 1: shoveling snow, those are a regular, they're not as urgent, 397 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: they're not as consistent. And the final statistic that really 398 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: draws at home for me. I'm sure that we're all 399 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: kind of convinced at this point, but this one really 400 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,919 Speaker 1: made it very apparent to me how like the eldest 401 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,199 Speaker 1: daughters and just daughters in general, it's take on so 402 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,280 Speaker 1: much of the emotional and physical burden. So in the UK, 403 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,920 Speaker 1: almost seventy percent of people who are what we would 404 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,760 Speaker 1: call sandwich caregivers, so that means that they are working 405 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,760 Speaker 1: and also looking after kids or elderly parents. Seventy percent 406 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,479 Speaker 1: of those people are women, seventy percent. So in an 407 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: article published by Atlantic this year, they refer to this 408 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:02,399 Speaker 1: like very experience as daughtering. They have a term for it. 409 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 1: It's called daughtering, was coined by Alison Alfred at Baylor University, 410 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 1: and it's basically used to describe the family work that 411 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,520 Speaker 1: girls and women tend to take on. That can look 412 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:17,399 Speaker 1: like picking up prescriptions, planning retirement parties, setting money aside 413 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,159 Speaker 1: for the parents' future, and it can also involve more 414 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,520 Speaker 1: subtler actions like holding your tongue to avoid an argument 415 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:28,440 Speaker 1: or listening to your parents' worries. And this daughtering phenomena 416 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,440 Speaker 1: happens for a few reasons, the major one being role 417 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,640 Speaker 1: modeling theory, where eldest daughters in particular often imitate how 418 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:40,199 Speaker 1: their mothers display and embodied gender, and also gender schemer theory, 419 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: so parents society often assigns different gendered tasks and expectations 420 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,240 Speaker 1: to boys and girls. You know, like boys are strong, 421 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:54,600 Speaker 1: girls are sensitive, boys are like really physically active, girls 422 00:25:54,600 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: are creative. Even if it's accidental, unconscious, cultural, it has 423 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 1: an impact on how eldest daughters grow up to see 424 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,640 Speaker 1: themselves and how their personalities are often formed around their 425 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: duty to others. So we can't really deny that if 426 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,160 Speaker 1: you are a daughter and you've been raised with brothers, 427 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,520 Speaker 1: for example, you're doing more labor here, like it's just 428 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,840 Speaker 1: common sense. Or in the case of like a family 429 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 1: with only daughters, it may be that you begin to 430 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: compensate for, like your dad's chores. When we combine birth order, 431 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 1: the fact that parents raise eldest children differently, and then gender, 432 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 1: this very societal, cultural, ingrained belief system almost about how 433 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: women should behave that is the space that eldest daughter 434 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 1: syndrome emerges. Sometimes I'm going to acknowledge this now, that 435 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,919 Speaker 1: role can be really satisfying. I do. I love to 436 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: talk and brag about my sisters because I feel like 437 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 1: a little bit extra proud of them because I was 438 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,639 Speaker 1: a little bit extra involved in their lives. It's a 439 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: good feeling, right. You can feel a lot closer to 440 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: both your parents and your siblings because you're kind of 441 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 1: like you occupy the space in the middle. You have 442 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,480 Speaker 1: more of an independent drive, you're more ambitious, you have 443 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,520 Speaker 1: more leadership qualities. Those are all great things, but as 444 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:16,119 Speaker 1: we've spoken about, as numerous women have reported, there is 445 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,879 Speaker 1: also a burden that is very profound. One of the 446 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,560 Speaker 1: most common experiences is feeling like you never had a 447 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: chance to fully truly live for yourself because you always 448 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: felt an added responsibility lingering in the background. Responsibility to 449 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,719 Speaker 1: look after your siblings, to care for your parents, as 450 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,680 Speaker 1: they get older, to be a success story and set 451 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 1: an example, to make money, to pave the way, and 452 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 1: all of those things. That results in a lot of 453 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,919 Speaker 1: both internal and external pressure that we're facing. Then, of course, 454 00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: sometimes we also see resentment beginning to bubble up as well, 455 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 1: especially if your younger sibling got away with a lot 456 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 1: more things than you did and were admitted more failures 457 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: or screw ups. They got to be a lot more 458 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,159 Speaker 1: carefree than you did. They kind of got to have 459 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:10,240 Speaker 1: a childhood, and I know that's really really quite sad, 460 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:14,520 Speaker 1: like they got to be that young, carefree kid without 461 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,200 Speaker 1: being forced to grow into like a caregiving or leadership 462 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: position really early. Another element is kind of sometimes a 463 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,199 Speaker 1: competition that can begin to form between siblings, whereby the 464 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:29,120 Speaker 1: parents may constantly praise the eldest child or the firstborn, 465 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,520 Speaker 1: which makes the younger children, often the last born, feel 466 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 1: as if they can never live up to the successes 467 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:38,080 Speaker 1: and achievements and standards of their elder sibling, or that 468 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:42,080 Speaker 1: their parents may even have a favorite. I have heard 469 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: so many stories of this resentment really destroying family dynamics 470 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,680 Speaker 1: when we allow that bitterness to like simmer and boil 471 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 1: over or Additionally, if our parents have always, you know, 472 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 1: put a lot more energy into the eldest child, that 473 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 1: also creates a sense of like jealousy between the children. 474 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 1: So it's a hard dynamic to navigate from like every 475 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 1: side of the equation, but there are also so many 476 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 1: people doing it successfully. And what I want to focus 477 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,320 Speaker 1: on next is how we as the eldest daughters, can 478 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 1: start taking care of ourselves without continuing to buy into 479 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 1: the expectations or need to keep other people happy. Because 480 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 1: when we actually take ourselves off a pedestal, when we 481 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,360 Speaker 1: say I don't need to be perfect, I don't always 482 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 1: need to be in control, I don't need to be 483 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: this independent, the rest of the family and people around 484 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,440 Speaker 1: you also take you off a pedestal. So you're kind 485 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: of giving everybody, like doing everybody a favor where you're 486 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 1: evening out the playing field between yourself and your siblings. 487 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,600 Speaker 1: But also you're able to have like an actual adult 488 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,960 Speaker 1: relationship with your parents when you stop, you know, when 489 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,360 Speaker 1: you stop letting them make you into this golden child. Firstly, 490 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 1: we need our families to recognize the unfair burden that 491 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,640 Speaker 1: may have been placed on us and redistribute that emotional 492 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,560 Speaker 1: physic and mental labor. More equally, part of that is 493 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 1: being vulnerable around what is expected of you and what 494 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 1: you need taken off your plate. For example, if your 495 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,520 Speaker 1: mum keeps calling around about your younger siblings even after 496 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: you've left the house, try and redirect it and just say, hey, 497 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,120 Speaker 1: I think maybe this is something that you can talk 498 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 1: to dad about, not me, or you can talk to 499 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 1: them about it not me. You're not the third parent. 500 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:28,719 Speaker 1: Don't let yourself become the third parent here or a 501 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: big one. As the holidays come up. You need to 502 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:35,280 Speaker 1: try and recognize when you are doing things to people 503 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 1: please that you don't actually want to do. Stop volunteering 504 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,840 Speaker 1: for tasks that your brother or your dad could do 505 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:46,760 Speaker 1: or another person, or just going along with everyone else's 506 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,000 Speaker 1: demands because it's easier for you to organize things than 507 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 1: for other people to take responsibility. For example, if you 508 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,320 Speaker 1: have picked everyone up from the airport on all their 509 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:58,040 Speaker 1: separate flights, and then you're having to rush home to 510 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,760 Speaker 1: prepare dinner, and then you're also responsible for the family itinerary, 511 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: be completely honest and say hey, can someone else take 512 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 1: something off my plate here? Or nominate someone to do 513 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:13,360 Speaker 1: one of your tasks also push back against the gender stereotypes. 514 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,120 Speaker 1: There is no reason that your brother can't do the 515 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,360 Speaker 1: dishes or that your dad can't like boil water for pasta. 516 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:22,520 Speaker 1: Like they are not incompetent. They are adults, and you 517 00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 1: are not their mother. You're their sister, their daughter, even 518 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,160 Speaker 1: if you were their mother, still not fair. Part of 519 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: breaking down the indoctrinated gender roles that contribute to eldest 520 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: daughter syndrome is starting at the heart of the family unit. 521 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,760 Speaker 1: And also, don't just feel like you're the only one 522 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,480 Speaker 1: who is going to take control here. Like that is 523 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 1: that level of like hyperindependence that we see so commonly 524 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:52,280 Speaker 1: where you just always say yes to things, even when 525 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,560 Speaker 1: you have a lot going on, because it's easier than 526 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: saying no and having someone else do it wrong or 527 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:00,760 Speaker 1: having someone else screw it up. I know it feels 528 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: so awkward and uncomfortable at first because you have been 529 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:07,120 Speaker 1: playing this part for a long time, but I think 530 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:12,000 Speaker 1: that the discomfort will fade when you acknowledge that boundaries 531 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,240 Speaker 1: are sometimes at first going to feel hard because they 532 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: just don't feel normal quite yet. And it can also 533 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:21,720 Speaker 1: be difficult to start because you realize how much other 534 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,720 Speaker 1: people have come to rely on you. But I think 535 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 1: you'll also begin to notice how when you stop doing 536 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:32,440 Speaker 1: all of the additional physical and mental labor, other people 537 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:35,560 Speaker 1: don't want to do it either, because it's tiresome, but 538 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:40,840 Speaker 1: it's less tiresome when it's actually evenly distributed. It's also 539 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:44,600 Speaker 1: important to start speaking your mind, stop biting your tongue 540 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 1: and trying to be the mediator or peacemaker all the time. 541 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,560 Speaker 1: If your parent makes a comment you don't like, say something. 542 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: If they say something you don't agree with, tell them. 543 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: If your sibling keeps asking you to intervene in their 544 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,120 Speaker 1: dispute with your mum or your dad, push back, just 545 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,280 Speaker 1: say I don't really have an opinion. If someone is 546 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 1: ranting it you and expecting you to just take it, 547 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: interrupt them and say, hey, this is really putting me 548 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,160 Speaker 1: in a bad mood. I don't have space for this 549 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,160 Speaker 1: right now. That is especially the case with your parents. 550 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,560 Speaker 1: Right you are still their child. You are not their friend, 551 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,480 Speaker 1: you are not their parent, you are not their therapist. 552 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:23,680 Speaker 1: Don't let them parentify you here. It's also important to 553 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:29,640 Speaker 1: encourage balanced conversations that don't fear too severely into blaming 554 00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,000 Speaker 1: your parents or your siblings, you really want to try 555 00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:36,600 Speaker 1: and understand why it might be this way. Like we've 556 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,640 Speaker 1: spoken about throughout this episode, all of the contributing factors 557 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:45,720 Speaker 1: and parenting styles and behaviors that lead to eldest daughter syndrome. 558 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 1: They're often very subtle and difficult to recognize in the moment, 559 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,160 Speaker 1: and most of the time our parents have learnt them 560 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,200 Speaker 1: from their parents, who learnt them from their parents. It's 561 00:33:56,320 --> 00:34:02,200 Speaker 1: very generational, So be forgiving here, because when we stoop 562 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,760 Speaker 1: to blaming them rather than understanding, that's when riffs form 563 00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:10,759 Speaker 1: in families, because your parents will never hear you if 564 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: you're just trying to criticize them, right. I know that 565 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,520 Speaker 1: you have a lot of anger, you have a lot 566 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: of frustration. You don't want to silence yourself, But it's 567 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,360 Speaker 1: basically like putting yourself in this position where it's like, 568 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 1: do I want to completely, like damage this relationship and 569 00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 1: maybe not damage it, but like definitely hurt it for 570 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,000 Speaker 1: a little bit, Or do I want to actually get 571 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,279 Speaker 1: something productive out of this, Like do I actually want 572 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,040 Speaker 1: to see their behavior change rather than just see an 573 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:41,920 Speaker 1: emotional reaction from them. When we only blame it's you know, 574 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,719 Speaker 1: often our parents will never hear that the way that 575 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,400 Speaker 1: we want them to hear that, they'll never hear what 576 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:50,479 Speaker 1: we're actually saying, which is I love you so much. 577 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,359 Speaker 1: I want our relationship to survive, So please, can we 578 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,960 Speaker 1: change this pattern of behavior that is putting me in 579 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,719 Speaker 1: this position. All they're going to hear is you're a 580 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:02,480 Speaker 1: bad parent. You're a bad because it's this like cognitive strategy. 581 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 1: We all have to ignore criticism. So I think really 582 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,239 Speaker 1: sitting down and being with like, you know, saying to them, 583 00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:10,920 Speaker 1: you know, this has been my experience, and I want 584 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,960 Speaker 1: to let you know that I value our relationship. But 585 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,920 Speaker 1: this needs to change. I can't be this perfect child anymore. 586 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,000 Speaker 1: I can't always organize our lives. You cannot turn to 587 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:23,040 Speaker 1: me for emotional support all the time. Maybe you need 588 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:27,719 Speaker 1: a therapist. That's really important. My final tip is to 589 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,080 Speaker 1: start living for yourself. I think that that is the 590 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:35,319 Speaker 1: string that is tied together this whole episode. You do 591 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: not need to be a child prodigy. You don't need 592 00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:40,360 Speaker 1: to be the best all the time. You don't have 593 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,840 Speaker 1: to be the third parent. You don't have to be 594 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:47,799 Speaker 1: independent and self reliant and do everything yourself. You don't 595 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,360 Speaker 1: always have to be the only one worrying about what 596 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,000 Speaker 1: it's going to go wrong. And the way to start 597 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:56,319 Speaker 1: doing this, The way to take that responsibility off your 598 00:35:56,360 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 1: shoulders is to start asking for and accepting help when 599 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,160 Speaker 1: you need it, not just with your family, but with 600 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:06,040 Speaker 1: all the other people in your life. For example, if 601 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,440 Speaker 1: someone has offered to cook you dinner or get you dinner, 602 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,680 Speaker 1: instead of being like adamant that they shouldn't and being 603 00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:15,239 Speaker 1: like no, no, thank you, no thank you, embrace their generosity. 604 00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:17,560 Speaker 1: They want to show you that they care. They want 605 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 1: to do something kind for you because you deserve it. 606 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,400 Speaker 1: They know how much time and effort you put into others. 607 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,520 Speaker 1: You don't always have to be the one serving other people. 608 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,400 Speaker 1: Let them do this for you. Accept other people's willingness 609 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:34,640 Speaker 1: to help you. I really struggled with this when I 610 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,279 Speaker 1: started dating my boyfriend and he wanted to like pay 611 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,319 Speaker 1: for meals and like do things for me. I was like, 612 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,360 Speaker 1: this is really I'm so used to being this like 613 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:45,080 Speaker 1: hyper independent person who takes care of everyone else. Like 614 00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:48,400 Speaker 1: what is going on? And then recently a friend of 615 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,719 Speaker 1: mine like stayed at my house and did all the 616 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,680 Speaker 1: dishes and like offered to like do my laundry, and 617 00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:56,920 Speaker 1: it felt so odd to have someone do for me 618 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:58,759 Speaker 1: what I always felt like I needed to either do 619 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,759 Speaker 1: for myself or do for other people. But I want 620 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,960 Speaker 1: you to swallow that initial instinctual gut feeling to be 621 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:08,520 Speaker 1: in control, to be self reliant, and realize that if 622 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,080 Speaker 1: someone didn't want to do something for you, they wouldn't offer. 623 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:13,759 Speaker 1: They want to show you that. They want to show you, 624 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:15,920 Speaker 1: I guess the love that you always give to others, 625 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,680 Speaker 1: similar to this fight back against your chronic independence. If 626 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:24,160 Speaker 1: you are struggling at work or UNI, it's okay to 627 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,520 Speaker 1: reach out for help right or even support. It doesn't 628 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,439 Speaker 1: make you a failure for needing assistance. That's just your 629 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:34,480 Speaker 1: eldest daughter instincts stepping in trying its hardest to like 630 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:38,000 Speaker 1: make you always be the best and self reliant. It's 631 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 1: like okay to not be the best and everything. It's 632 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:44,120 Speaker 1: the It's okay to ask for help the way that 633 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:46,520 Speaker 1: other people ask you for help, right. It actually shows 634 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,640 Speaker 1: really great strength. And I think finally it's okay to 635 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:52,680 Speaker 1: do things for yourself and with yourself, even if it 636 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,880 Speaker 1: means disappointing others or saying no, whether that is your hobbies, 637 00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,760 Speaker 1: or taking a day to just like not interact with anyone, 638 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,600 Speaker 1: or not going to that big family gathering because you're 639 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:06,600 Speaker 1: just really tired, not taking on that extra responsibility. That 640 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,040 Speaker 1: is okay, that is totally okay. Just say I'm not 641 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,920 Speaker 1: going that you're not selfish. You do not need to 642 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:17,000 Speaker 1: feel shame for prioritizing yourself whilst everyone else is doing 643 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,839 Speaker 1: the exact same thing by relying on you like that 644 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:22,160 Speaker 1: is they are getting the rest by putting all the 645 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:26,160 Speaker 1: burden on you. And I think that we really begin 646 00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:29,719 Speaker 1: to recognize eldest daughter syndrome when we just cannot take 647 00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:34,040 Speaker 1: that burden anymore, when we are so mentally and emotionally exhausted. 648 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 1: I think you'll find yourself feeling so free in those moments. 649 00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:41,640 Speaker 1: You won't feel contained anymore, You'll feel less burnt out 650 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:45,880 Speaker 1: when you give up that control and with that responsibility. 651 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,240 Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that it's going to happen instantly, 652 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,440 Speaker 1: because if you have been the eldest daughter for a 653 00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:55,719 Speaker 1: long time, you have been very much like this is 654 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,719 Speaker 1: your identity, So it's going to be really hard to 655 00:38:57,760 --> 00:38:59,920 Speaker 1: give up. But maybe just start by giving up the 656 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,840 Speaker 1: things that you really don't have space for anymore. You 657 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,440 Speaker 1: really don't have the space to just like always be 658 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,520 Speaker 1: on your own and to never trust others. You don't 659 00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:11,640 Speaker 1: have the space to always be organizing everything like. This 660 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,760 Speaker 1: was one of the things I really noticed about myself 661 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: as the eldest daughter was I just got sick of 662 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,560 Speaker 1: always being the friend who had to make plans with everybody, 663 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:20,479 Speaker 1: Like it was so tiring to be the one who 664 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,520 Speaker 1: everyone was always like, what are you doing this weekend? 665 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 1: What are we doing this weekend? Can you book this? 666 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:26,919 Speaker 1: Like you know, it was really tiring, And I gave 667 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,080 Speaker 1: that up because I was like, I can't keep doing this. 668 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: And people respond to the kind of to your absence, 669 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,520 Speaker 1: into the kind of hole that you leave when you 670 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,799 Speaker 1: no longer do their mental labor for them. I think 671 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:41,920 Speaker 1: being the eldest daughter is such an emotional mindfield at times. 672 00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,439 Speaker 1: I really do get it. You also feel that sense 673 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:47,280 Speaker 1: of responsibility for your younger siblings, like I said before, 674 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:50,160 Speaker 1: like you implicitly know that if anything was to happen 675 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,440 Speaker 1: to your parents, you would be the one in charge, 676 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,799 Speaker 1: Like you're the one who's gonna have to step up there. 677 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,040 Speaker 1: So even if you don't think about it, often there 678 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: is always that implied sense of like I need to 679 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,640 Speaker 1: make sure these kids are all right, like I need 680 00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,920 Speaker 1: to protect them. And sometimes you just want to break. 681 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,880 Speaker 1: You want to break from all that responsibility. And you 682 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,279 Speaker 1: know you can't change how you were raised or your 683 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,839 Speaker 1: birth order, but you can begin to unlearn and heal 684 00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:16,720 Speaker 1: the parts of you that feel the need to carry 685 00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:20,560 Speaker 1: the burden of everyone else while still being perfect, Like 686 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,280 Speaker 1: you can't do everything all the time. So let yourself 687 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,560 Speaker 1: be a child again. Let yourself receive love rather than 688 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,960 Speaker 1: always having to give it out like you really you 689 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:33,279 Speaker 1: deserve that, you deserve to heal, You deserve to be 690 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:36,520 Speaker 1: a happy eldest daughter. So I really hope that you 691 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,640 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I hope that you learnt something from 692 00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:43,480 Speaker 1: this episode. As an eldest child, I totally get it. 693 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,600 Speaker 1: I feel like this was I was writing this episode 694 00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:49,160 Speaker 1: just being like, yep, yep, that makes sense, that makes sense. 695 00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:52,640 Speaker 1: Tick that off the list, like totally aligns with my experience. 696 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,960 Speaker 1: And I hope that maybe that was the case for 697 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,720 Speaker 1: you as well, where you felt heard, you felt seen 698 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,680 Speaker 1: by this research by some of these personal experience answers, 699 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:04,640 Speaker 1: and also thinking about ways to not just go into 700 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:08,520 Speaker 1: the holiday season, but into every season in a healthier, 701 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,439 Speaker 1: healed way where you're not always taking on this role 702 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:14,400 Speaker 1: in the family. You're allowed to be more yourself and 703 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,440 Speaker 1: take on an identity that is more aligned with who 704 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:20,440 Speaker 1: you actually are. So thank you so much for listening 705 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,399 Speaker 1: to this episode. If you enjoyed it, if you think 706 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,000 Speaker 1: someone else needs to hear this, make sure you share 707 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:28,560 Speaker 1: a link with them and leave a five star review. 708 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:33,120 Speaker 1: This is like our last solo episode of the year. 709 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,239 Speaker 1: I just realized that last solo episode this year. We're 710 00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:40,759 Speaker 1: doing twelve days of guests in December, so for the 711 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,640 Speaker 1: rest of the month, for the rest of the year, 712 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,720 Speaker 1: we will just be doing guest episodes. I've been working 713 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,200 Speaker 1: so hard on finding some amazing people to come on, 714 00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:53,080 Speaker 1: and every single conversation is just like so wise, so 715 00:41:53,239 --> 00:41:58,359 Speaker 1: mind blowing, so like just targeted and interesting and fascinating. 716 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,880 Speaker 1: So I cannot wait for you guys to hear all 717 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,040 Speaker 1: of those episodes. Make sure you're following so that you 718 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,440 Speaker 1: get alerted when they start to come out. And if 719 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,560 Speaker 1: you have an episode suggestion, please feel free to dm 720 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:12,759 Speaker 1: me at that psychology podcast on Instagram. This is where 721 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,120 Speaker 1: this episode came from like. I talked about it very 722 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:18,279 Speaker 1: briefly in the Overachieving episode, and the amount of you 723 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,359 Speaker 1: that said I want to hear about the eldest daughter 724 00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:24,319 Speaker 1: was insane, so thanks for your suggestion. I really hope 725 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,439 Speaker 1: that you enjoyed this episode, and we will be back 726 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:30,600 Speaker 1: at the end of this week with another one.