Speaker 1: You can heal while in the presence of someone if
Speaker 1: they are the cause of some of your trauma or turmoil.
Speaker 1: In fact, in some cases it's ideal. For example, if
Speaker 1: you are in a couple's relationship and the person is
Speaker 1: the cause of some of your trauma and difficulty, but
Speaker 1: yet they also have a tremendous amount of remorse and
Speaker 1: they want to grow and heal, and they're willing to
Speaker 1: do healing things to help you get on the other
Speaker 1: side of your trauma. Another example is if you have
Speaker 1: trauma with a particular parent. Not only can it happen,
Speaker 1: but it's ideal because that parent can actually say and
Speaker 1: do things to help you heal, and a lot of
Speaker 1: times they're the only ones who can say and do
Speaker 1: things to help you heal. So yes, absolutely, you can
Speaker 1: heal in the presence of someone who has caused you harm, trauma,
Speaker 1: or turmoil, and in fact, there are lots of opportunities
Speaker 1: or lots of cases where that is optimal. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie. What's been
Speaker 1: better since you listened to the previous episode? You'll notice
Speaker 1: I ask that question in almost every session beyond the
Speaker 1: first session. And I'm asking you my audience that question
Speaker 1: here because I want to shift your focus to the
Speaker 1: things you enjoy about life as opposed to the things
Speaker 1: that cause you stress. The purpose of couple's therapy is
Speaker 1: for two people to get on the same page to
Speaker 1: create healing, progress, growth, whatever sign of positive in their relationship.
Speaker 1: And when people should start considering therapy is when the
Speaker 1: relationship has become stagnant or unsatisfying to one of or
Speaker 1: both members. I mean, a couple's therapies is really really
Speaker 1: great to get people on the same page, working in
Speaker 1: the same direction to co create the kind of relationship
Speaker 1: that they both would experience as satisfying. Today, we're going
Speaker 1: to spend time working with Jay and David as they
Speaker 1: work together to rediscover the happiness that they once enjoyed,
Speaker 1: as they work together to build the kind of relationship
Speaker 1: that they would both experience as joyous. Well, what is
Speaker 1: up to two of my favorite people? I'm very excited
Speaker 1: to get to talk to you guys today, So what
Speaker 1: are your very best hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 2: We actually each other that I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm all open on, open airs, open minded, so let's see.
Speaker 3: I always walk away good from the session. So let's
Speaker 3: see what happens today.
Speaker 1: What would be the type of thing David that if
Speaker 1: it happened, you'd be you'd be pleased with it?
Speaker 2: Hmm, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I got to hear it and see it first. I
Speaker 3: don't know, Like I have no one thing to pinpoint.
Speaker 1: Would you know it if it happened?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 2: Probably more than likely.
Speaker 1: Okay. And would you be pleased to have something good
Speaker 1: come of this?
Speaker 2: Yes? I will?
Speaker 1: Okay. So and so somehow are talking led to something
Speaker 1: good that'd be a good thing?
Speaker 2: Yes? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Okay, Jam?
Speaker 2: What about you?
Speaker 1: What are you hoping to to get from talking with
Speaker 1: me here today?
Speaker 4: I actually did about this because I was like, I know,
Speaker 4: who's gonna ask?
Speaker 1: No, I wasn't.
Speaker 4: I think a good thing to come out of this
Speaker 4: would be for David and I to learn more about
Speaker 4: how we can help each other as individuals on different journeys,
Speaker 4: different paths, learning more about what that looks like for
Speaker 4: each person.
Speaker 1: What what difference would make to you to learn more
Speaker 1: about how to help one another? Do you think?
Speaker 4: I think because we are clearly parents, and if we
Speaker 4: can help each other, then that means we can be
Speaker 4: better for our children. So I think it would make
Speaker 4: a huge difference.
Speaker 1: And what different would it make? So I I agree
Speaker 1: with you, like that'd be great to make a different
Speaker 1: for how we function as parents. What do you think
Speaker 1: that would do to how you and David function with
Speaker 1: one another?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What differen would that make between your relationship with you
Speaker 1: and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4: Well? I think the difference is the better we are
Speaker 4: with each other, the better parents we can be, the
Speaker 4: happier we are, the closer we are to living our
Speaker 4: best lives, then the better we will be for our children.
Speaker 1: Okay, And what do you hope that would do to
Speaker 1: the dynamic between you and David? You know what I'm asking?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Like, how that impact the
Speaker 1: relationship between you and David?
Speaker 4: I think the impact would be positive. I think I
Speaker 4: think that's not necessarily how we have functioned most recently.
Speaker 4: We do help each other, but I think the goal
Speaker 4: is more like, how can we help each other so
Speaker 4: that we are, you know, creating a household that is functional.
Speaker 4: But I think that's different than helping each other as
Speaker 4: individuals to be better or to reach our personal goals.
Speaker 4: I think it puts us as individuals at the forefront
Speaker 4: versus us as parents helping the.
Speaker 1: Household, and what would this do to the way you
Speaker 1: thought about the future of you and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4: Well, I think regardless of whether we live together or not,
Speaker 4: we are bonded together forever, as you know, mother and
Speaker 4: father to beautiful children. So the better we can assist
Speaker 4: each other is just you know, if we're both winning,
Speaker 4: then our children are more likely to win.
Speaker 1: Dutch And by the way, I don't think I've asked
Speaker 1: either of you this, but in your relationship, have you
Speaker 1: guys ever ever gone to see a couples therapists?
Speaker 4: M hm, yep?
Speaker 1: How many times?
Speaker 4: I think we had like one and a half.
Speaker 1: Like one and a half sessions.
Speaker 3: The first time we went was twenty and nineteen, and
Speaker 3: I don't know, we probably did what four or five
Speaker 3: if that, and then we wasn't really feeling her. And
Speaker 3: then the second most recent one was only what two sessions?
Speaker 3: One session, I don't know, one two.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, I'm really excited to talk to the two
Speaker 1: of you. David, what's your favorite thing about Jalen? Like,
Speaker 1: no one's perfect, so I imagine they're probably thinks about her.
Speaker 1: You'd hope she changed or whatever, But like, what is
Speaker 1: what is your favorite thing about her? Like the thing
Speaker 1: about her you hope she never ever changes.
Speaker 2: She recognizes like the good in you.
Speaker 3: She's very encouraging when you might have some doubt, like
Speaker 3: she's not real rob Rock, like you know, it's just
Speaker 3: the way she said things in this that like I okay, cool, Yeah.
Speaker 3: So I think one of the things is like she
Speaker 3: recognizes things in you that you probably won't see in
Speaker 3: yourself or you do know, but you're not putting it
Speaker 3: to the front foor and she and she'll say that,
Speaker 3: and she'll tell you that, and it just the way
Speaker 3: she say it, Like I always say, like whatever, no
Speaker 3: matter how loud it is or whatever, I can always
Speaker 3: hear her talking like and she won't even be loud,
Speaker 3: Like she won't even be loud.
Speaker 2: She'll just be.
Speaker 3: Baby or David or something like that, and it's just
Speaker 3: like everything else just goes mute and that's the only
Speaker 3: voice I hear.
Speaker 2: So I think that that's one of the things I.
Speaker 3: Really really really really like about I had a look
Speaker 3: over time in certain situations and things. I think that's
Speaker 3: the one that tops all up and.
Speaker 1: Gotcha okay, And Jalen, what about you? What's your favorite
Speaker 1: thing about David? And again, he's He's very much not perfect,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure there are things about him you'd like
Speaker 1: to change. But what's the thing about him you enjoy
Speaker 1: the most.
Speaker 4: I guess the first thing that comes to mind is
Speaker 4: that he is fun. He can bring kind of humor
Speaker 4: and a good time to wherever he is and whoever
Speaker 4: he's around. So I can be very serious, so he
Speaker 4: knows how to kind of lighten the mood and help
Speaker 4: you kind of forget about the things that are stressing
Speaker 4: you out and just bring some type of positive energy
Speaker 4: and know, just good heartedness.
Speaker 1: That's excellent. And how did the two of you meet?
Speaker 4: He stepped on my foot in a club.
Speaker 1: You are telling me, I.
Speaker 4: Am, And he wears a size thirteen. So that is
Speaker 4: the story. We was at a club. I was with
Speaker 4: his cousin. I had just came home from Afghanistan like
Speaker 4: a month prior, maybe a little a little over a
Speaker 4: month prior, and he was drunk and he stepped on
Speaker 4: my foot. Yeah, he was a little he was feeling it.
Speaker 4: She stepped on and was very apologetic, and I was
Speaker 4: just like, it's all good. You know, I'm cool, but
Speaker 4: he was very, very apologetic, and he asked to massage
Speaker 4: my foot for.
Speaker 1: Me right there in the club.
Speaker 4: Yep, h yeah, and he did. He did it.
Speaker 1: He took the I did.
Speaker 4: I did, of course. He asked me for my phone
Speaker 4: number and I said no, and he called his cousin
Speaker 4: when we were on our way home and asked to
Speaker 4: speak to me and asked me for my number again,
Speaker 4: and I said that I would take his number. I
Speaker 4: think I took his number, and I wasn't expecting to
Speaker 4: contact him, but I wasn't back at work yet. I
Speaker 4: was kind of bored. I just came home, so I
Speaker 4: ended up texting him and m kind of hit it
Speaker 4: off from there.
Speaker 1: Can I pause you for a second? Why why would
Speaker 1: you say no? When he first said can every phone number?
Speaker 1: You said, I said no? How come?
Speaker 4: Because I didn't like that he was like tipsy and
Speaker 4: I didn't want to. I don't know, like it was
Speaker 4: like our first interaction and you're not even sober, So
Speaker 4: do you really want my phone number? Or do you
Speaker 4: just you know, just kind of going with the situation.
Speaker 4: So that was that, and then also I was kind
Speaker 4: of not in the best headspace after my deployment, So
Speaker 4: I wasn't really looking to date anybody or anything like that.
Speaker 4: So that's pretty much it.
Speaker 1: So then you took his number. You didn't even expect
Speaker 1: to use it necessarily, and then you were weren't working
Speaker 1: yet board and you texted him and then you said
Speaker 1: we hit it off from there? How could you tell
Speaker 1: you were hitting it off?
Speaker 4: Well, we talked on the phone a little bit, text
Speaker 4: a little bit. He asked to take me out and
Speaker 4: I agreed that he could, that we could meet up
Speaker 4: at a park, and when we're at the park, we had,
Speaker 4: you know, a really good conversation. And then after the park,
Speaker 4: we went to the movies and then after that we went.
Speaker 2: Out to me Oh yeah, we went to the movie.
Speaker 4: We ate first and then we went to the movie.
Speaker 4: So we kind of ended up being together that whole day.
Speaker 4: You know, it was a good vibe and the energy
Speaker 4: was good, so we just we clicked a little bit.
Speaker 1: David, why why pursue her?
Speaker 3: I mean when I saw that night, I mean, Jalen
Speaker 3: was very attractive. She's an attractive woman, and I never saw
Speaker 3: her before and it's crazy, like I never knew who
Speaker 3: she was. And we both from the same city and
Speaker 3: got some of the same friends, and she's good friends
Speaker 3: with my cousin. I ain't know who she was, so,
Speaker 3: you know, like like she said, I was a little tipsy.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 3: When I first stepped on her foot. When I stepped
Speaker 3: on her foot, I was like, I'm just gonna go
Speaker 3: for it. Okay, she tell me noa not, I'm just
Speaker 3: gonna go for it. And I just went for it,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 2: And then.
Speaker 3: When she called me, I responded back and we just
Speaker 3: had good conversation at the park. So I had to
Speaker 3: let her see the sober like I am a smart individual,
Speaker 3: I'm a nice guy, and you know I can't be
Speaker 3: funny at times, and da da da da da da,
Speaker 3: And then you know, we just hit it off from there.
Speaker 2: That was basically what it was.
Speaker 1: David. How did you know you were hitting it off?
Speaker 1: Like what were the signs to you?
Speaker 3: She was smiling, she was being responsive, not giving me
Speaker 3: uh like yes, no answers, you know, and not like
Speaker 3: if I took a shot or like you know, if
Speaker 3: I say, if I said something she had come back
Speaker 3: at me and.
Speaker 2: Blah blah blah, and then it was It's good.
Speaker 3: Was just a good vibe and energy. It was just
Speaker 3: good vibing and energy. You know, like when you're sitting
Speaker 3: there with.
Speaker 2: Somebody, the vibing good.
Speaker 3: They ain't being responsible, like, man, I'm out now, I'm good.
Speaker 3: You would have made up something you have absolutely nothing
Speaker 3: to do. You would have made up something like I
Speaker 3: got to go home, take my dog out for a
Speaker 3: walk or something. Yeah, but that wasn't the case, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I don't even have a dog. So after we
Speaker 3: I like, I'm gonna be honest with you. When she
Speaker 3: said let's me got the park, I was like.
Speaker 2: What militant me at the park? Like I ain't no weirdo.
Speaker 2: But I took it and run with it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I never had that, like we're gonna meet
Speaker 3: at a park, a public place like out in the open.
Speaker 2: I was like a cool like I was with it.
Speaker 3: I was with it, and the energy and the vibe
Speaker 3: was good. We both wasn't doing nothing, you know what
Speaker 3: I'm saying. I wasn't working at the time, She wasn't
Speaker 3: working at the time, or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 3: But we was having a good time. We definitely was.
Speaker 3: And we just took it from there. For you to
Speaker 3: meet somebody at the park at one or two o'clock
Speaker 3: in the afternoon and be with them until two o'clock
Speaker 3: in the morning.
Speaker 2: Like something had been going right.
Speaker 1: And how long did it take to two of you
Speaker 1: to turn this initial meeting where we're vibing and kind
Speaker 1: of clicking a little bit, How long did it take
Speaker 1: to two of you to turn this into a relationship?
Speaker 3: She threatened my life the day of the not even
Speaker 3: the day, the minutes leading up into my cousin's surprise
Speaker 3: birthday party.
Speaker 1: Your life.
Speaker 2: You're not threaten, she said. Listen, she said, listen, I'm
Speaker 2: not going to this party to meet all your family
Speaker 2: that you've been talking about. And you got a big family,
Speaker 2: and I ain't your woman. I said, what you mean?
Speaker 2: Like like you, I'm a lady.
Speaker 3: Like no, we got to make it official. I'm not playing,
Speaker 3: I'm not going. Already told everybody you coming, I'll get
Speaker 3: back in the car. So it was that November.
Speaker 2: Twentieth, I think it was.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my cousin she was surprised all black birthday party,
Speaker 3: and that's when she met all my family.
Speaker 1: Were you literally like walking into the party Dayleen said.
Speaker 2: This, Yeah, we was in the car, she said something.
Speaker 2: Then when we was walking in. She's like, I'm serious.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, okay, now, yeah, so she was serious.
Speaker 4: So we met in August, the end of August, and
Speaker 4: then I guess it was official.
Speaker 3: August third, No, we met August third, my brother birthday
Speaker 3: party August third.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and then the end, like the middle to the
Speaker 4: end of November.
Speaker 2: November four, Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: Jalen, why would you want to be his partner? Like officially?
Speaker 1: Like what was making you want that to be the case?
Speaker 4: Well, because we have been spending a lot of time
Speaker 4: together one on one, and it just felt like, Okay,
Speaker 4: if I'm going to go meet all these people, I
Speaker 4: don't want to meet them as your friend, Like I
Speaker 4: think we're a little past the point of being friends.
Speaker 4: So you know, let's go ahead and put put a
Speaker 4: name on it. This is if this is what you
Speaker 4: want to do, Like I don't have to meet them tonight,
Speaker 4: but if this is what you want to do, then
Speaker 4: you're gonna, you know, put some respect on my name
Speaker 4: and call me what I am.
Speaker 3: But also too though, if my family was here, they'll
Speaker 3: tell you, I don't bring unless you my lady like
Speaker 3: my woman, I don't bring you around my family like that.
Speaker 2: But everybody was there, everybody, so I knew it in
Speaker 2: my head. I just had to say it out loud.
Speaker 1: Why were you comfortable? What was it about Jane that
Speaker 1: was letting you comfortable to meet all your family?
Speaker 3: Because I did like, like she said, we spent a
Speaker 3: lot of time like after that initial interaction and then
Speaker 3: after the part, we spent a lot of their time together,
Speaker 3: like a lot like the rest of the summer going
Speaker 3: into the fall, just hanging out with each other. So
Speaker 3: it was I was like, and then one of my
Speaker 3: best friends said it like he said, he said, Dave,
Speaker 3: because they call me Debo. He was like, Deebo, I
Speaker 3: ain't never seen you act like that with no female.
Speaker 3: He said, that's gonna be your lady. Watch that's exactly
Speaker 3: what he's saying, even knowing me since I was ten
Speaker 3: years old, he said, that's gonna be your lady, right, yeah,
Speaker 3: because he saw.
Speaker 2: It like over the phone or I don't know if.
Speaker 3: He saw like the bubbly like you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: smiling all the time and things of that nature, though,
Speaker 3: but I just felt it. I just had to say it.
Speaker 3: I could have said it in October. Yeah, I ain't
Speaker 3: have to wait to November. Yeah, I just felt it.
Speaker 3: I just felt something about Jay, like, yeah, this is
Speaker 3: the one I wanted to be my lady.
Speaker 2: Yeah I was.
Speaker 1: I was just about to ask you, like, what was
Speaker 1: your friend noticing? But then you said like smiling and
Speaker 1: bubbly and stuff like that, and just was that unusual
Speaker 1: for you?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's unusual. Yeah, especially for him to see it. Like,
Speaker 3: and we were just hanging out. He's sitting on his
Speaker 3: couch and you know, Jay law and I got up
Speaker 3: and used the phone, that stepped into the kitchen real quick,
Speaker 3: and then I came back and that's the first thing
Speaker 3: that came out of his mouth.
Speaker 2: He said, that's gonna be a lady, watch I tell you.
Speaker 3: And this fight was like September, he said, before the
Speaker 3: money over with, because he's been hearing like we've been
Speaker 3: hanging out and I've been telling him like, nah me
Speaker 3: and jam we did this, now were about to go
Speaker 3: do this now. I was just dang when he was
Speaker 3: at last night. Now, I was just chilling with Jay, chilling,
Speaker 3: was on the porch, just hanging out. He was like, oh,
Speaker 3: I right, yeah, so you know mm hmm.
Speaker 1: JA, could you tell you were making him happy? In
Speaker 1: that way back then, because he.
Speaker 4: Wouldn't leave me alone. He called me every day.
Speaker 1: How how did it impact you to know you were
Speaker 1: having an impact on him in that way?
Speaker 4: I mean we were happy, were you know, always smiling,
Speaker 4: having a good time, learning about each other, you know,
Speaker 4: our goals and all of that stuff. Like I never
Speaker 4: felt like he was not comfortable sharing things with me
Speaker 4: and telling me about hisself. And you know, it was
Speaker 4: it was, it was. It was positive. He was happy.
Speaker 4: He seemed happy at least, And that's how I could tell.
Speaker 1: Hmm if you woke up tomorrow and that happiness was back,
Speaker 1: how would each of you notice it?
Speaker 2: Mm hm hmmm.
Speaker 4: I guess we'd probably be wanting to spend more time together, like,
Speaker 4: you know, looking for ways to enjoy each other's time.
Speaker 4: You know, I think that would be one way. I
Speaker 4: don't think we really do that now. It's kind of
Speaker 4: like he does his thing, I do my thing.
Speaker 1: Hey, Hey, Jaylen, you just said something like we would
Speaker 1: want to spend time together. Is that what you said?
Speaker 1: Is that what I heard?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Forget David for a second, Like, how would you become
Speaker 1: aware that I'm interested in spending time with him?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What would you notice about Jay That would tell you
Speaker 1: something is changed and I'm interested in spending time with him.
Speaker 4: And guess how it would be excited to come up
Speaker 4: with things to do with him.
Speaker 1: If you notice that excitement, would you be a lot
Speaker 1: surprised or a little surprised.
Speaker 4: I'd be pretty surprised.
Speaker 1: You'd be pretty surprised. Okay, what type of things would
Speaker 1: you be thinking about wanting to do with David?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 4: Maybe maybe go to the gun range, maybe go to
Speaker 4: the go work out, like, maybe try out in the
Speaker 4: gym or something. I mean, we go to restaurants every
Speaker 4: now and then, so that's not really like it's cool,
Speaker 4: but it's not like something I get like super excited about.
Speaker 4: So maybe I don't know, I guess trying something that's
Speaker 4: a little bit out of our norm, like a weekend
Speaker 4: trip somewhere.
Speaker 1: Where would you where would you be thinking about going
Speaker 1: on a weekend trip?
Speaker 4: I saw this, Uh this, I think it was upstate
Speaker 4: New York. I can't remember exactly where it was, but
Speaker 4: it was like this cabin place in the woods that
Speaker 4: had like a hot tub and this beautiful view of
Speaker 4: the skyline and the trees and things like that. I
Speaker 4: would have to look up the name. But when I
Speaker 4: saw it, I was like, man, that looks like a
Speaker 4: really cool place to be where It's like, you know,
Speaker 4: you can go places anywhere, really, but someplace that allows
Speaker 4: you to have less distractions and kind of just focus
Speaker 4: on the person you're with, Like that would be cool?
Speaker 1: And again, how surprised would you be to be thinking about, Man,
Speaker 1: I want to go to a place with David where
Speaker 1: I have less distractions just so I can focus on
Speaker 1: the person I'm with.
Speaker 4: I mean, it hasn't been a thought recently.
Speaker 1: So would it be a big surprise or a little surprise?
Speaker 4: Say a big one?
Speaker 1: A big one? How would you first let David know
Speaker 1: you were having these thoughts? Just David?
Speaker 4: I mean I would just tell him.
Speaker 1: Would you call him? Would you text him?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: How would you first let him know?
Speaker 4: I would text? Yeah, I will probably text David.
Speaker 1: If you introject one more time.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Okay, you said you would text, yes, how would the
Speaker 1: text be written or like? How would you make sure
Speaker 1: David received the text as this version of you?
Speaker 4: I would just say I'm really excited. I found this
Speaker 4: place is really cool.
Speaker 2: I love to go with you.
Speaker 1: Okay, David, would you know that this was like I
Speaker 1: hate to say, like the old version of David. Would
Speaker 1: you know that like this is the old version.
Speaker 2: Well, the old version as far as what like the
Speaker 2: excitement like.
Speaker 1: The previous version.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I think it's yeah, I'll say yes to that.
Speaker 2: But if she likes stuff like that, she like being
Speaker 2: out in the.
Speaker 3: Nature and you know, beautiful vibes and like views and
Speaker 3: stuff like that, So it went in as far as
Speaker 3: the place went and shocked me as much, but it
Speaker 3: would definitely be you know, I know that's something an
Speaker 3: older version of I mean, the previous version. As far
Speaker 3: as I get a text like that, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 3: what's going on? And I and knowing me as soon
Speaker 3: as she texted me, I was gonna call anything. I'm
Speaker 3: gonna call it anyway. I ain't gonna sit there and
Speaker 3: text back or if I'm busy, I'm like cool, that
Speaker 3: looks dope, and then call it later regardless. So and
Speaker 3: then we'll have to talk about it and see try
Speaker 3: to make it happen.
Speaker 1: And how would she know that the previous version of
Speaker 1: Day is calling her?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What would she notice that would tell her, this is
Speaker 1: the like, this is the David I vibe with. This
Speaker 1: is the David that I click a little bit with, Like,
Speaker 1: how would she know with the previous version of David
Speaker 1: is one calling her?
Speaker 3: I mean, first you'll have to see changes change in
Speaker 3: me first, then she'll know, like is this not gonna
Speaker 3: just come to that? It would have to be some
Speaker 3: changes done by me?
Speaker 1: And well, I mean that's true, but kind of not true.
Speaker 1: Let me give you an example what I mean by that.
Speaker 1: M Have you ever like just watched your son like
Speaker 1: wake up and been like, oh, there's gonna be a
Speaker 1: tough day, Like something about the tone or the you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like something is telling you like
Speaker 1: there's gonna be a tough day or a great day.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes we can we can notice things because I
Speaker 1: can see something in you just in the way you
Speaker 1: talking or walking or moving. So I guess my question
Speaker 1: would be, how would je like this is the version
Speaker 1: of David that I really enjoy?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Tough question, I really don't. I don't know.
Speaker 3: Maybe if I initiated it or something, I don't know.
Speaker 3: M I mean I pretty much I walked the same.
Speaker 3: Maybe my attitude would be a little different, smiling a
Speaker 3: little bit more.
Speaker 1: I don't want in what way? What what would the
Speaker 1: attitude be that Jalen would notice and say this is
Speaker 1: the version of him.
Speaker 2: I mean.
Speaker 3: A lot of my attitude now is just as because
Speaker 3: of a lot of stuff that's just going on. So
Speaker 3: if I know how to channel that and put that
Speaker 3: to this side and just you know, she remained positive
Speaker 3: and upbeat.
Speaker 2: I think you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I think should should should notice that, you know, the
Speaker 3: excitement in my voice or in my face or something
Speaker 3: like that. I think that's what she'll notice more first,
Speaker 3: in my opinion.
Speaker 1: What difference do you think that would make to her
Speaker 1: to see that version of you?
Speaker 2: I think it'll make a big difference. I think, you know,
Speaker 2: it brings a little bit.
Speaker 3: Of more joy, some more joy that she needs in
Speaker 3: her life.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 3: I think I think it helped jailing out a lot.
Speaker 3: If she sees that version of me again, I really
Speaker 3: do she deserves it?
Speaker 1: And how how would you know she saw it? What
Speaker 1: would be your first clue that she saw it.
Speaker 3: The way she responds, you know, the conversation, the conversation
Speaker 3: would be a little different, that would be the first
Speaker 3: Like I'm pretty good at responding the way people respond
Speaker 3: back and how they feel in and you know, by
Speaker 3: the way they respond I think that'll be the first
Speaker 3: tell tale sign and then the response to go into
Speaker 3: a conversation and you know.
Speaker 2: Man probably hugging the kiss or something.
Speaker 1: Would would you be happy that she noticed this version
Speaker 1: of you?
Speaker 2: David?
Speaker 3: Yes, I will, because it would it make me happy,
Speaker 3: Like like I said, I said this before too, you know,
Speaker 3: like I get joy on seeing happiness.
Speaker 2: Jay in my kids' faces. Like that brings joy to
Speaker 2: me too.
Speaker 3: So you know, if I if I could do something
Speaker 3: to get that joy back or do things or change,
Speaker 3: then you.
Speaker 2: Know, that'll definitely bring a lot of joy to me myself.
Speaker 2: To see the joy on her face.
Speaker 1: How would you let her know you were experiencing joy
Speaker 1: because it was joy on her face?
Speaker 2: David, I'm I probably. I mean, I don't know if
Speaker 2: I would say anything.
Speaker 3: That's usually not like my thing, like you know, but
Speaker 3: you know, I think she'll probably notice because she'll deceive me,
Speaker 3: like the way I'm just acting and you know, and
Speaker 3: upbeat and you know, just involved in detail, like you know,
Speaker 3: just paying attention and things of that nature, like I'm
Speaker 3: not the one to be like, you know what, I
Speaker 3: will do it, but that's just not me. Like, you
Speaker 3: know what, that's I'm happy that you're happy or something
Speaker 3: like that. I don't say that enough. I don't say
Speaker 3: that a lot, but It'll been times when I see
Speaker 3: the joy on my jayface and my kids face and
Speaker 3: I'm just smiling, ear and ear, like you know what
Speaker 3: I'm saying, because it's like, that's what's up. I'm glad
Speaker 3: they jo I'm glad they're happy and feeling good. That
Speaker 3: makes me feel good.
Speaker 1: So you know, And you said you said you don't
Speaker 1: you don't say that enough? Did I catch you say?
Speaker 1: Did I hear you?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I don't say what
Speaker 3: do you think?
Speaker 1: Right right? You think it, but it doesn't come out
Speaker 1: mm hmm. What do you think it would do to
Speaker 1: Jaylen to know that there's this guy in her life
Speaker 1: that that really experiences joy when she is happy? What
Speaker 1: do you think that would do to her?
Speaker 2: I think that will uh probably bring some clarity to
Speaker 2: some stuff.
Speaker 3: It would be something different because I usually don't express
Speaker 3: stuff like that, but I think it will make her
Speaker 3: feel good that I'm not just thinking it that I
Speaker 3: actually verbally said it.
Speaker 1: Jim, how would you respond to hearing him say that
Speaker 1: that I bring joy to him? Yeah, that he has
Speaker 1: joy just from seeing you happy?
Speaker 4: I would repine, probably surprised.
Speaker 1: Would you be pleased about it?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And how would you said surprised? Would it be a
Speaker 1: good surprise? I'm guessing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean it would be just like, oh wow,
Speaker 4: I never heard you say that before, so it wasn't
Speaker 4: even a thing. I didn't even know it was a thing.
Speaker 4: So cool.
Speaker 1: How would you let him know you were happy about it?
Speaker 4: I don't know. I don't even know if I would
Speaker 4: be initially happy about it, because I would be surprised,
Speaker 4: and I would probably question it.
Speaker 2: Gotcha? Really? Me? Sure?
Speaker 1: So you might be so surprised you'd be like really, yeah,
Speaker 1: would you say that to him? Do you think are
Speaker 1: you the type of person that might say that to him?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, So, Jane, this is a super important question. Even
Speaker 1: while surprised, and even though you're saying things to him
Speaker 1: like really, how might you communicate to him that I
Speaker 1: want this to stay? Like I'm questioning this. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure what you're up to or why you're doing it.
Speaker 1: But I want this kind of communication to stay. How
Speaker 1: would you let him know that?
Speaker 4: I would just tell him.
Speaker 1: You would just come out and tell him. And does
Speaker 1: that feel like who Jane really is, Like she's the
Speaker 1: type of person that would just come out and say that, Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: Another really important question is how would you say that
Speaker 1: to him in a way he would hear it as
Speaker 1: like you're rooting for him as opposed to criticizing him.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Right?
Speaker 4: I think that would be the challenge is to say
Speaker 4: it in a way that he receives it positively, because
Speaker 4: I would want him to receive it positively. But if
Speaker 4: i'm if I have doubt in my head, it may
Speaker 4: not come out that way. So I would want to
Speaker 4: try to telor it in a way that was, you know, thoughtful.
Speaker 1: And how would you do that?
Speaker 2: Can you?
Speaker 1: Can you give me an example, like I so appreciate
Speaker 1: you would say that like if I had doubt, it
Speaker 1: might come out in a different way, but I might
Speaker 1: have to tailor it so it came out thoughtful. How
Speaker 1: would how would you do that so he heard this
Speaker 1: as like rooting for you, supportive as opposed to like critical.
Speaker 4: I guess I would just say I'm surprised that you're
Speaker 4: saying this, but whatever I can do to keep it coming,
Speaker 4: let me know because I like it.
Speaker 1: Because I like it, And David, would that be unusual
Speaker 1: to hear? Would that be the kind unusual thing to hear? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah from Jay? No?
Speaker 1: No, you would recognize this as like, this is the real.
Speaker 2: Jay either way is the real.
Speaker 3: One thing about her, she's gonna say what she's gonna say, right,
Speaker 3: that's one thing she's not gonna She's gonna say what
Speaker 3: she gonna say. And if if it comes off wrong
Speaker 3: and you let her know, she'll say, my bad, But
Speaker 3: I said what I said, right, But for her to
Speaker 3: say like, she doesn't have to make it too complex
Speaker 3: or whatever. But if she say it and she's smiling
Speaker 3: from heir to ear, I know it's you know, I'm like,
Speaker 3: all right, Okay, I hear you. I got you, all right,
Speaker 3: And I won't take it Noway, Like that's positive right there, right,
Speaker 3: because she she like it. She wants me to continue
Speaker 3: to keep communicating it like that. So that's that's what
Speaker 3: I gotta do. Yeah, So I'll take that, give behind
Speaker 3: five a kiss and a hug.
Speaker 1: And would that be unusual for you guys to communicate
Speaker 1: like this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I.
Speaker 1: Guess both of you and yes, David, Now like in
Speaker 1: this current time, would that be unusual if you guys
Speaker 1: in this way, Jane, I see you nodded. Would would
Speaker 1: you agree that would be unusual?
Speaker 4: M Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you why that is such an important
Speaker 1: thing you guys just described. When we started this conversation,
Speaker 1: I asked you, uh, and you you predicted the question
Speaker 1: I would ask you. And I'm kind of mad at you.
Speaker 1: Ever have somebody saying like quick acting like you know,
Speaker 1: somebody like you came in here knowing I was gonna
Speaker 1: ask him. That's okay, I'll live with it. But your
Speaker 1: answer was we want to like help one another, like
Speaker 1: I want to learn how to help another r Do
Speaker 1: you remember saying that?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: And you know who knows what it will do to
Speaker 1: the future, what will do to life. But what I
Speaker 1: love so much about what you said was like, regardless,
Speaker 1: we're kind of bound together because of these kiddos. And
Speaker 1: I had never talked to the two of you about
Speaker 1: your history. I didn't know how you got together. David
Speaker 1: being a former NFL player and step in on her
Speaker 1: foot is maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. But
Speaker 1: you know, when life happens and we start experiencing problems,
Speaker 1: we actually stop exchanging happiness. And when the relationship gets started,
Speaker 1: we're very good at exchanging happiness, Like I'll say things like,
Speaker 1: you know, and I really liked it when you did X,
Speaker 1: Y Z, or I really liked it when you did
Speaker 1: A B or C.
Speaker 2: Thing like.
Speaker 1: We're very good at exchanging happiness. But when life happens,
Speaker 1: you know, you got kids, and you got rent, and
Speaker 1: you got a job, and you got taxes and you
Speaker 1: got just things to do, we end up talking about
Speaker 1: problems way more than we talk about happiness. We end
Speaker 1: up talking about priorities like who's gonna take the kids
Speaker 1: to such and such appointment? And who's gonna sweep the floor,
Speaker 1: and who's gonna you know, we end up talking about
Speaker 1: life instead of happiness. And what I really enjoyed about
Speaker 1: this conversation today is like David and Jaber two happy, witty,
Speaker 1: funny people, And I think when you guys are at
Speaker 1: your best, you're exchanging signs of happiness. And I think
Speaker 1: more recently, life has happened and we're doing that less
Speaker 1: and less, so no matter what happens, Like, if we're
Speaker 1: gonna be good for each other and good for these children,
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to redevelop the habit of exchanging happiness.
Speaker 1: So like, like, David, I want you to I want
Speaker 1: you to verbally tell her because to be honest with you,
Speaker 1: and Jay didn't say this, and jaylynf I'm wrong. Feel
Speaker 1: free to yell at me, but I'll bet you I'd
Speaker 1: be willing to bet you that somewhere along the way
Speaker 1: Jay forgot whether or not she's important to you. I
Speaker 1: would be willing to bet that somewhere along the way
Speaker 1: she felt less of a priority. And when you say
Speaker 1: things like I get joy from making you happy, the
Speaker 1: reason she said I would doubt it at first is
Speaker 1: because I think it would scare her to trust that feeling,
Speaker 1: because I think that's something that would really really make
Speaker 1: her feel good. Is it okay? If I say all that,
Speaker 1: Jay does that does that make sense? Okay? So David,
Speaker 1: I need you to remind her that you being happy
Speaker 1: makes me happy, like you being happy brings me joy.
Speaker 1: You being happy is important to me because I think
Speaker 1: that's always been true. David, I want to be clear.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's never not been true, but I
Speaker 1: think I think Jay's brain and heart haven't heard it,
Speaker 1: and over the course of time, she starts wondering is
Speaker 1: it true? And that becomes a very hurtful thing. And
Speaker 1: it's very hard to be in relationship with someone that
Speaker 1: you don't think experiences happiness through you. Does that make sense, David,
Speaker 1: is that something you think you could do? And you
Speaker 1: you know, I've talked to David a couple of times,
Speaker 1: and I don't know that you know how much you
Speaker 1: matter to this person, and how much your mood to
Speaker 1: this person, and how much when your mood is negative
Speaker 1: and down and maybe even justifiably so, like I am
Speaker 1: not criticizing your mood, but I am saying you being
Speaker 1: his supporter and encourager really matters to him. It lifts
Speaker 1: him up. I think he's stronger because of you, and
Speaker 1: I want you to remember that because if the two
Speaker 1: things are true, he likes it when you're happy and
Speaker 1: that brings him joy, then I want you to always
Speaker 1: let him know when you're happy so that that can
Speaker 1: lift him up and drive him. And now we'll have
Speaker 1: a relationship where Jayleen and David are exchanging happiness fluently,
Speaker 1: and there is no possible way your relationship won't become
Speaker 1: stronger when that's happening. What do you think about that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I think that's cool, but I feel like, how do you?
Speaker 4: How do you do that when there's a lot of
Speaker 4: negative things?
Speaker 1: I am so glad you asked that question because I
Speaker 1: want you to remember, no person is all good or
Speaker 1: all bad. So even while there's a lot of negative
Speaker 1: stuff happening, it's my job to see the good and
Speaker 1: accentuate it because that's what I want more of. On
Speaker 1: David's worst day, he's got some good in the same
Speaker 1: way that on David's best day he's got some bad.
Speaker 1: Your job is to find the good and accentuate it
Speaker 1: because that's what drives him. And we've tried talking about
Speaker 1: the negative things long enough. I just want you to
Speaker 1: try it this way between now and the next time
Speaker 1: we meet and see the difference it makes between the
Speaker 1: two of you. Okay, And can I ask you one
Speaker 1: more thing? Both of you, one more thing? Because I
Speaker 1: need to point this out to you. Do you guys
Speaker 1: know how rare it is that you will ask a
Speaker 1: person on a first date. In this case, David asked
Speaker 1: Jayden on a first date. The thing she suggested was
Speaker 1: to go to the park. Do you know how rare
Speaker 1: it is that you will go to do that and
Speaker 1: hit it off? And David said, we spent the whole
Speaker 1: day together. Most people, I mean, think about how many
Speaker 1: people if I told you got to go sit on
Speaker 1: a park bench with this other person, Think about how
Speaker 1: many people you'd want to, like choke to get out
Speaker 1: of that situation. You guys went to the park, and
Speaker 1: then you went to a sushi lounge, and then you
Speaker 1: went to a movie. You spent the entire day together.
Speaker 1: That's who David and Jane are. Because not everybody can
Speaker 1: do that, right, That's a special thing you told me.
Speaker 1: When you said it, I was like, what, most people
Speaker 1: can't just hang out like that? And then I asked you.
Speaker 1: I was specific. I said, how long did it take
Speaker 1: you guys to turn this into relationship? And you both
Speaker 1: said we spent a ton of time together, so much
Speaker 1: time together that David's friend who's known him since was ten,
Speaker 1: noticed the change in him, like, hey man, this is
Speaker 1: gonna be your lady. That's who David and Jaylen are.
Speaker 1: I think you have forgotten and I think negative things
Speaker 1: have happened, and I think life has happened. But that's
Speaker 1: who David and Jaylen are. My job is to remind
Speaker 1: you of that, And the best way I can think
Speaker 1: to do that is, I want you, guys to plan
Speaker 1: a date. I want you to plan to spend time
Speaker 1: together doing something that is not at a restaurant. And
Speaker 1: during this time you spend together, you're not allowed to
Speaker 1: talk about the children, past problems, or anything that's about
Speaker 1: adult responsibility. You just have to talk like two people
Speaker 1: who enjoy each other's company, company and happiness. Because I
Speaker 1: think that has been true since the very first date.
Speaker 1: You just forgot And the only way to remind yourselves
Speaker 1: of that is to spend time around one another and
Speaker 1: not talk about adulthood and children and responsibilities or past problems.
Speaker 1: Just remember that who David is in his essence is
Speaker 1: someone I actually really like, and who Jaylen is in
Speaker 1: her essence is someone I actually really like. I don't
Speaker 1: think we've done that enough. Actually, I think we spend
Speaker 1: too much time talking about life and problems and difficulties
Speaker 1: and frustrations. But there's so much, there's so much clicking
Speaker 1: between the two of you that's not being nurtured, and
Speaker 1: I want to help you nurture that. Can I ask
Speaker 1: you guys to.
Speaker 4: Do that, as long as we're not going to a restaurant.
Speaker 1: No restaurant. No restaurant, but Jada, I'm actually more concerned
Speaker 1: about gun rangers.
Speaker 4: But oh no, we're both official.
Speaker 1: No, No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But no restaurant. I
Speaker 1: want you to go do something. You guys can just
Speaker 1: vibe and click and remember, Oh my gosh, I really
Speaker 1: like this person. I just forgot because for so many
Speaker 1: years we've we've been dealing with difficulties and talking about
Speaker 1: difficulties and expressing frustration. We got to get back to
Speaker 1: expressing joy and happiness. Okay, but no restaurant. I'm on board.
Speaker 4: Unless they have dancing to dance or something like that.
Speaker 1: Okay, do you both dance, Jayalen, don't don't let them
Speaker 1: step on your foot again, though, if you're gonna go
Speaker 1: dance with it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've learned how to navigate around Google.
Speaker 2: I can't dance, but I will dance.
Speaker 1: I can't dance and I won't dance, but okay, I'm
Speaker 1: okay with that exception, as long as you guys stay
Speaker 1: after the meal to dance.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: The only exception to a restaurant is if it includes dancing.
Speaker 1: Other than that, no restaurant. And I want you to
Speaker 1: do this before we meet next time because I need
Speaker 1: to ask you some questions about what it's like to
Speaker 1: reconnect on who David and Jade actually are.
Speaker 2: Yes, sir, so before we meet next time next week.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter to me if it lasts ten minutes
Speaker 1: or ten hours. I don't care.
Speaker 4: Okay, the only thing he's thinking about is the super bowling.
Speaker 4: But we gonna figure it out, thank you, Jay, all.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 1: You know, if I could say a word to Jay
Speaker 1: and David or anyone who finds themselves in a relationship
Speaker 1: similar to where we met, Jay and I would say
Speaker 1: life should be lived. Adulthood is really difficult because we
Speaker 1: end up focusing on like tasks, paying bills, child rearing,
Speaker 1: going to work, and we forget that like life is
Speaker 1: supposed to be lived. There should be fun, excitement, humor.
Speaker 1: Things should be happening in life that cause you excitement.
Speaker 1: So yes, like you got to heal and difficult and
Speaker 1: bad things are going to happen. But the most important
Speaker 1: thing in life and certainly in relationships, is making sure
Speaker 1: you are living, making sure you are spending time being active,
Speaker 1: making sure you are spending time being a whole person
Speaker 1: and not just being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood.
Speaker 1: If you are in a relationship that is not working,
Speaker 1: the first question I want you to ask yourself is
Speaker 1: what could you do differently to have an impact on
Speaker 1: the satisfaction of that relationship without even including your partner.
Speaker 1: For example, if you're in a relationship and you're feeling
Speaker 1: very stagnant it's not working, could you ask that partner
Speaker 1: out on a date night. Could you do something to
Speaker 1: make your partner smile? Could you present them with a gift?
Speaker 1: Could you do a chore for them that you know
Speaker 1: really matters?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What action could you take to make a difference?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: If you find yourself showing up and doing those things
Speaker 1: often and nothing seems to be creating change and there's
Speaker 1: nothing going on differently in the relationship in spite of
Speaker 1: your attempts, then that's the first clue or indicator that
Speaker 1: the relationship you're in might not be healthy. And I'd
Speaker 1: like you to.
Speaker 2: Assess that.
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast that I want you
Speaker 1: to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you
Speaker 1: to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
Speaker 1: the way to do that is to just pay attention
Speaker 1: to the things going on in your life as a
Speaker 1: consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
Speaker 1: in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
Speaker 1: attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
Speaker 1: to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
Speaker 1: And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
Speaker 1: in your life as a result of listening to this
Speaker 1: podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
Speaker 1: can also say me a text message to nine seventy
Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast
Speaker 1: Network special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced
Speaker 1: by Jack Quish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 1: S fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit
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Speaker 1: The content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely
Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
Speaker 1: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
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