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Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in plays. It's not that

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Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not

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Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yes.

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Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Body here.

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Speaker 3: You are listening to an installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle,

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Speaker 3: a wileness focused podcast where I connect with everyone from

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Speaker 3: your favorite athletes to top experts in industry CEOs about

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Speaker 3: their highest hies, toughest moments, and everything in between. We

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Speaker 3: all go through hurdles in life, and my goal through

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Speaker 3: these discussions is to empower you to better navigate yours

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Speaker 3: and move with intentions so that you can stride toward

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Speaker 3: your big potential and of course have some fun along

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Speaker 3: the way.

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Speaker 2: I am so excited to bring you.

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Speaker 3: A really special conversation that I had recently with Yasmine Cheyenne.

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Speaker 3: She is the host of the sugar Jar podcast, a

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Speaker 3: self healing expert as well as an advocate for mental wellness.

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Speaker 2: And for today's episode, we are.

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Speaker 3: Chatting all about boundaries. What are boundaries, how to set boundaries,

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Speaker 3: how to not feel guilty about your boundaries? So much

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Speaker 3: goodness in this episode. I'll be the first person to

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Speaker 3: say that over the last few years, establishing and maintaining

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Speaker 3: my boundaries has been something that has been both truly

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Speaker 3: difficult and also very empowering. And so my hope for

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Speaker 3: you today as you listen to this is first and

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Speaker 3: foremost to understand that boundaries are a critical, critical part

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Speaker 3: to your overall self care and mental well being. It

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Speaker 3: is so important that you are in tune with where

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Speaker 3: you are firm in your life, and that stems from

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Speaker 3: as well, knowing your values and being able to articulate

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Speaker 3: what those are. And we talk all about that in

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Speaker 3: today's episode. So grateful for Yasmin's energy and her amazing perspective.

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Speaker 3: I learned so much from this conversation. I felt like

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Speaker 3: it came at the perfect time for me, and I

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Speaker 3: hope you feel the same. Before we get to it,

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Speaker 3: I do want to chat up really quickly. A really

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Speaker 3: beautiful podcast I listened to the other day with Pelotons

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Speaker 3: Robin Rizon.

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Speaker 2: I've had her on the show before.

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Speaker 3: I know that many of you love and adore her,

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Speaker 3: and she was a guest on a show called Meditative

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Speaker 3: Story Now. In the episode, Robin recounted an intimate story

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Speaker 3: about her struggle with self doubt and how she pushes

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Speaker 3: through and it was so touching and funny and beautiful.

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Speaker 3: And what I loved the most about it is the

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Speaker 3: format of the Meditative Story podcast is gorgeous. It's unlike

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Speaker 3: anything I've heard before. Robin's story is presented in a

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Speaker 3: way where it's surrounded by original music and brief meditator prompts,

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Speaker 3: and it's really designed to help cultivate mindfulness as.

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Speaker 2: The story unfolds.

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Speaker 3: Now, if you have a chance, I can't recommend it enough,

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Speaker 3: subscribe to Meditative Story.

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Speaker 2: That is Meditative Story and listen to Robin's episode.

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Speaker 3: I think you'll come away with a deeper understanding about

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Speaker 3: self doubt, which we all face from time to time.

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Speaker 2: Make sure you're.

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Speaker 3: Following along with Hurdle. Over at Hurdle Podcast. I am

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Speaker 3: over at Emily a body. Subscribe to our new SMS

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Speaker 3: texting subscription by texting the word welcome to seven three

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Speaker 3: too Hurdler. That is seven three two Hurdler, And don't

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Speaker 3: forget to check out the details surrounding our new membership.

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Speaker 2: Information on all of this is in the show notes.

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Speaker 2: With that, let's get to Hurdling today.

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Speaker 3: I'm sitting down with the Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a

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Speaker 3: self healing expert. She's the host of the Sugar Jar podcast.

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Speaker 3: How you doing today?

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Speaker 4: Good? How are you? Thanks for having me?

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, thanks for joining me.

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Speaker 3: I am admittedly kind of on cloud nine because full disclosure,

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Speaker 3: this is the first week of a new season of

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Speaker 3: the show, and I felt really passionately about talking a

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Speaker 3: little personal wellness, self like just taking care of self

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Speaker 3: this week. And so this is why I'm so excited

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Speaker 3: to sit down with you, because we're here today to

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Speaker 3: talk about boundaries, among many, many things, which is so

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Speaker 3: so important.

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Speaker 1: Yes, boundaries is everything. It's like the foundation of how

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Speaker 1: we should be interacting in relationships anyway, with ourselves and others.

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Speaker 2: It's so true. It's so true.

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Speaker 3: So before we start talking about how to set healthy boundaries,

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Speaker 3: why don't you give the hurdlers, as I love to

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Speaker 3: call my audience, a little insight into how you became

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Speaker 3: a self healing expert, and you know, beyond that, I

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Speaker 3: know you're also an advocate for mental wellness.

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Speaker 2: So talk to me how you got into this word.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think that, like many people, my

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Speaker 1: journey started with my own my own healing journey, but

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Speaker 1: actually when I was on active duty in the military,

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Speaker 1: I was working with victims of crime, domestic violence, you know, assault,

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Speaker 1: all kinds of really tough crimes and experiences for people.

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Speaker 4: To go through.

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Speaker 1: And while I was doing that, I realized that they

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Speaker 1: weren't really being given anything that would help them in

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Speaker 1: terms of their healing. And that's when I really started

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Speaker 1: to begin to get curious about, like, why are we

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Speaker 1: doing more? Why am I just giving them these forms

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Speaker 1: to file? You know, how are they going to pay

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Speaker 1: for therapy? Like we're not giving them money for like

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Speaker 1: all of these things start to occur to me, and

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Speaker 1: that's when I really begin to say, Okay, well if.

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Speaker 1: And it's also where I started my introduction to trauma

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Speaker 1: because I realized I thought trauma was something that only happened,

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Speaker 1: you know. I didn't understand that trauma was something that

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Speaker 1: we could all experience. And so that's when I began

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Speaker 1: to dive into my own healing journey. Because nothing will

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Speaker 1: introduce you or invite you to do your own healing

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Speaker 1: like helping people heal, even though I wasn't doing or

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Speaker 1: facilitating work the way that I do today. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's how I kind of got into it like almost

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Speaker 1: fifteen years ago.

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Speaker 3: Now, Wow, so much to unpack here. Talk to us

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Speaker 3: a little bit about your military service.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I served on active duty in the

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Speaker 1: Air Force for five years on active duty, five years reserve.

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Speaker 1: But when I was on active duty, I was in

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Speaker 1: the legal the apartment A lot of people know, it's

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Speaker 1: called Jack like the TV show from like twenty years

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Speaker 1: ago or something. And I didn't have a traditional military experience.

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Speaker 1: Because of that, I again a certain and I always

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Speaker 1: I will always, I will always say that I didn't

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Speaker 1: have a traditional military experience because I really didn't belong there.

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Speaker 1: I was always trying to find a way to ben

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Speaker 1: the rules, break the rules. We shouldn't be doing things

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Speaker 1: like this. This doesn't make sense. We should be helping people.

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Speaker 1: We should So I didn't really fit. But I you know,

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Speaker 1: when I was in legal, I getting the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: prosecute and do things like that. That victim advocacy two

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Speaker 1: years really changed everything for me. I knew I had

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Speaker 1: to get out. I knew I was in a wrong place.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what I was going to be doing,

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Speaker 1: but I definitely knew that what I was doing was

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Speaker 1: not it.

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Speaker 2: Wow, and where were you stationed for this.

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Speaker 1: I was stationed in Georgia. But you know, I've been

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Speaker 1: all over I've you know, been all over the US.

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Speaker 1: I've deployed, And so I think doing something like that

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Speaker 1: so young, leaving you know, I'm from Brooklyn, So leaving

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Speaker 1: Brooklyn so young, doing something like that, Being from New York,

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Speaker 1: you think that like you really have a grasp on

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Speaker 1: the world because it's such a there's so much happening

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Speaker 1: in New York and in Brooklyn, and you get access

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Speaker 1: to so many different kinds of people. And leaving New

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Speaker 1: York was when I realized, oh wow, so actually the

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Speaker 1: rest of the United States is more in common than

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Speaker 1: anything that's happening in New York. And it's where I

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Speaker 1: really begin to, you know, experience other things, other people

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Speaker 1: at other places, and which is such an important part

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Speaker 1: of the work that.

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Speaker 4: I do today.

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Speaker 3: You mentioned feeling as though you know, things should have

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Speaker 3: been a different way. What inspired you to get into

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Speaker 3: that line of work to begin with.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know, joining the military was really I'm nineteen,

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Speaker 1: I'm not in college. I want to do something with

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Speaker 1: my life. It was a very like I'm at the

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Speaker 1: mall and there's a recruiter's office.

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Speaker 4: Let's go in.

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Speaker 1: Like you know, I was much, very much a risk,

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Speaker 1: and I just went in signed up, and like a

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Speaker 1: month later I left. I didn't really understand what I

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Speaker 1: was doing or signing up for, and just think, goodness,

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Speaker 1: I got into a career field where I was able

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Speaker 1: to actually do something that I feel was really impactful

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Speaker 1: to people.

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Speaker 2: Something to double click on.

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Speaker 3: You said that before, which really resonated with me as

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Speaker 3: a person who's also made it her mission to help others.

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Speaker 3: Is the idea that you don't truly truly dive into

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Speaker 3: your own healing until you're trying to help others do

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Speaker 3: the same. For you, when you started to get into

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Speaker 3: this line of work, did you start to realize truly

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Speaker 3: a lot of the trauma that you hadn't really focused

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Speaker 3: on in your past.

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Speaker 1: No, you know, so I actually kind of did the reverse,

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Speaker 1: So I didn't do any real facilitating until I felt

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Speaker 1: like I was strong enough to hold space. I talk

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Speaker 1: about this sometimes, but I feel like and there is

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Speaker 1: no point of being fully healed. There is no point

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Speaker 1: of being fully on the other side. But there is

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Speaker 1: a point when you're a facilitator or healing work that

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Speaker 1: you should be able to hold space for people, be

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Speaker 1: present to people, be aware of your own triggers, not project,

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Speaker 1: and be fully present for the person's experience. And so

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Speaker 1: a lot of that work that I needed to do

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Speaker 1: to be able to do that I did before I

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Speaker 1: started holding space for others. But to also answer your question,

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Speaker 1: there are times where I am facilitating or doing one

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Speaker 1: on one sessions or writing my book like I'm doing

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Speaker 1: doing right now, where I recognize, wow, you know this,

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Speaker 1: just this has unpacked a whole nother layer that I

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Speaker 1: wasn't even aware of, And I'm thankful to be able

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Speaker 1: to hold that for myself until afterwards, and then you know,

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Speaker 1: unpack it with myself, for with my own therapist, et cetera.

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Speaker 3: I think that the natural first question that someone has

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Speaker 3: when they hear, you know, a designation like a self

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Speaker 3: healing expert, is well, what makes you an expert? So

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Speaker 3: before we start to preach on boundaries, let's get some

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Speaker 3: more context to that.

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Speaker 1: So, yeah, so I started teaching self healing ten years ago,

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Speaker 1: and what I was doing was actually, it's a funny story.

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Speaker 1: So when I recognized that I wanted to do healing,

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Speaker 1: I knew that I wanted to help people feel better,

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Speaker 1: and I imagine that that would be through clothes, and

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Speaker 1: so I became a stylist and I did that for

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Speaker 1: a couple of years. But in my styling sessions, we

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Speaker 1: never talked about clothes. They were always about the it's

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Speaker 1: because it's never about the clothes, and it's never about

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Speaker 1: the makeup, and it's never about any of that stuff.

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Speaker 1: But we would talk about the feelings and the societal

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Speaker 1: norms and all of the things that led to people

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Speaker 1: feeling this way. And that's when I really begin to

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Speaker 1: get my certifications. Go through my own excursions, everything from

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Speaker 1: legitimate in a classroom learning how to facilitate, to the

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Speaker 1: middle of Mount Shasta excursions and all kinds of woo

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Speaker 1: woo things that I've done to explore what self healing

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Speaker 1: could be like. And through all of those things, all

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Speaker 1: of those trainings my college educate, you know, everything, I

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Speaker 1: begin to build self healing frameworks, which basically means teaching

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Speaker 1: people how to be able to access healing for themselves.

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Speaker 1: Almost I don't know how many students later, maybe even

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Speaker 1: seventy thousand people I've been able to My work has

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Speaker 1: been able to reach one hundred thousand people I don't know,

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Speaker 1: you know, probably more than that. I'm probably being modest,

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Speaker 1: but having people come back to me and share with me,

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Speaker 1: I finally feel like I can journal because I thought

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Speaker 1: that I had to do it this way. I finally

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Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people are afraid to go

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Speaker 1: to therapy because they don't even know how to have

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Speaker 1: those internal conversations with themselves. First, what am I even

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Speaker 1: going to therapy to talk about? My life is fine?

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Speaker 1: You know, things are a little bit messed up, or

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Speaker 1: things are a little bit this. But if I, you know,

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Speaker 1: if I quit my job and find a new job,

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Speaker 1: everything will be fine. Or you know, if my boyfriend

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Speaker 1: will finally start doing what I need them to do,

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Speaker 1: things will be fine, or if I you know, there's

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Speaker 1: no grasp. And what I think is the reason I

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Speaker 1: think self healing is so important and the reason why

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Speaker 1: I teach it and I actually can call myself an

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Speaker 1: expert until someone else did, is that I think it's

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Speaker 1: important for people to have that self awareness and self

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Speaker 1: inquiry before we can even start the process. And I'm

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Speaker 1: honored to be doing this part of the work that

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Speaker 1: gives them the invitation to explore all of the other

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Speaker 1: areas of wellness and healing.

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Speaker 3: How many people can relate to what you just also said,

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Speaker 3: which is I didn't even call myself an expert until

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Speaker 3: somebody else did. Because again, it's that like in Pastor

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Speaker 3: Cendra moment, right, It's like you literally just listed off

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Speaker 3: so many things you from schooling to legitimate expeditions, yet

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Speaker 3: you needed someone else to just like pop in and

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Speaker 3: validate that you're doing pretty good at what you want

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Speaker 3: to do.

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Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, isn't that the truth? You know?

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Speaker 1: I think that I don't struggle as much with imposter

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Speaker 1: syndrome now, but I definitely felt like, you know, I

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Speaker 1: just wanted to make sure that I was focusing on

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Speaker 1: what I was doing in the teaching, and I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to, you know, put expert on the end of it.

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Speaker 1: It felt, and I think it's important to just talk

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Speaker 1: about it. I'm glad you you mentioned that, because when

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Speaker 1: we do work, and when we dedicate decades years of

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Speaker 1: our lives to learning how to teach, and we actually

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Speaker 1: have the proof to show that we are good at

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Speaker 1: what we're doing, we should honor that and step into it.

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Speaker 1: And there's there's such especially for women and especially for

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Speaker 1: black I'm a black woman, so there's often this, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be too you know much, or

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Speaker 1: I want to stay humble, or I don't want to overstep,

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Speaker 1: and it's like no overstep, Like no, just step into it,

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Speaker 1: be grounded, stand in firm and who you are and

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Speaker 1: what you do. And I think that's important too.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I can totally relate to it, because

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Speaker 3: only recently did I start referring to myself I would

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Speaker 3: say as a wellness expert. I also have a personal

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Speaker 3: training certification, a RT Coach Certificational Level one Precision Nutrition certification.

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Speaker 2: I've been writing and editing health.

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Speaker 3: And wellness content for the better part of a decade now,

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Speaker 3: Like I've been doing the work. But I agree it's

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Speaker 3: difficult sometimes to step into that because you want to

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Speaker 3: keep that humbleness right. But it's almost it kind of

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Speaker 3: reminds me of this idea that you can be kind

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Speaker 3: and firm, you know what I mean, Like you can

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Speaker 3: be a good person but also firm and who you

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Speaker 3: are and not need to let people perhaps push your boundaries,

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Speaker 3: which is what we're about to get into here. So yes,

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Speaker 3: I can totally, I can totally relate to where you're

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Speaker 3: coming from full circle moment back to boundaries. So I

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Speaker 3: have listened to you speak a bit about this on

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Speaker 3: the Sugar Jar podcast.

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Speaker 2: How long have you been podcasting?

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Speaker 1: I have been podcasting. I just start last year. I

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Speaker 1: used to do a lot of episodes, and after doing

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Speaker 1: episodes with others, they would say, you need to do

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Speaker 1: your own podcast.

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Speaker 2: So I love that for you. I had the pleasure

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Speaker 2: just like I know that you have.

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Speaker 3: And I saw that you were on her show as

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Speaker 3: well to chat with Alex l and I mean talk

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Speaker 3: about some really beautiful work that she does as well

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Speaker 3: as the work that you do.

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Speaker 2: It was really awesome to hear the two of you connect.

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Speaker 4: She's an amazing friend. I love Alex.

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Speaker 2: Yeah for sure, for sure.

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Speaker 3: So, Okay, boundaries, why don't we start by why don't

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Speaker 3: we start by giving a loose definition of boundaries?

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Speaker 1: So my definition of boundaries is boundaries are the rules

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Speaker 1: or regulations or standards that we put in place that

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Speaker 1: basically form the idea of how I interact with this person, place,

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Speaker 1: or thing, this commitment, or myself. So boundaries are what

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Speaker 1: is okay what is not okay? And then boundaries need

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Speaker 1: to be a verb, meaning there has to be action

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Speaker 1: taken for the boundary to exist. So you can't have

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Speaker 1: a boundary imaginarily in your head. You can't have a

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Speaker 1: boundary that you think about and you think people should

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Speaker 1: just know what it is, unless it's like touching your

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Speaker 1: hair or touching your body without your permission, like people

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Speaker 1: should just know that's not okay. And so that's the

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Speaker 1: definition of boundaries and the reason why I mentioned that

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Speaker 1: part where it needs to be a verb needs to

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Speaker 1: be action because unless you advocate for the boundary, unless

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Speaker 1: you share it, either by your actions or by the

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Speaker 1: way that you communicate it to others or yourself, then

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Speaker 1: they don't exist. So, for example, if you don't want

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Speaker 1: to pick up your phone after seven o'clock because you

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Speaker 1: want to go to bed early, you can set a

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Speaker 1: boundary where you do not disturb on your phone. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to tell everyone in your context lists that

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Speaker 1: you're going to bed early. Now, the boundary is the

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Speaker 1: do not disturb. You have to enforce it by not

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Speaker 1: answering your text after seven o'clock. That's an uncommunicated boundary.

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Speaker 1: A communicated boundary is something like, hey, don't wear shoes

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Speaker 1: in my house.

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Speaker 3: I only recently started enforcing this boundary in my new apartment.

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Speaker 3: And let me tell you what I learned about this

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Speaker 3: is it is monumental. I have a white part in

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Speaker 3: my carpet in my living room, and I was so

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Speaker 3: hesitant to buy the carpet because I thought, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 3: this is going to be dirty within a month.

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Speaker 2: What am I doing?

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Speaker 3: It is still white and it's been four months. Anyway,

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Speaker 3: this is not what we're here to talk about. Why

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Speaker 3: I think the next I mean, now that we've defined boundaries,

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Speaker 3: talk to me about why having boundaries is essential for

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Speaker 3: self care.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, or for healing or for wellness or to feel good.

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Speaker 1: Boundaries are essential. They're they're what I call the foundation

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Speaker 1: of healing. Without boundaries, the house doesn't stand. So if

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Speaker 1: you are in a relationship where there are no boundaries,

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Speaker 1: then people are able to take from you. People are

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Speaker 1: able to and again this is with your permission. This

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Speaker 1: is the key. When you don't have boundaries in place,

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Speaker 1: It's not that people are necessarily taking advantage of you.

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Speaker 1: You have not said no, so they believe the answer

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Speaker 1: is yes because you have not said anything. So with

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Speaker 1: your permission, people have access to you. Or maybe you

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Speaker 1: are saying yes, giving money, giving time, giving resources without

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Speaker 1: with the knowing that you don't want to be doing it,

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Speaker 1: but you feel like you should be doing it, or

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Speaker 1: you feel like that's what a good person would do,

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Speaker 1: or this is what a good daughter would do, a

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Speaker 1: good partner. Of all of these societal norms that we

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Speaker 1: have bought into that keep us from living fully in

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Speaker 1: our alignment, in our truth, that keep us from doing

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Speaker 1: what we want to actually be doing. So boundaries without boundaries,

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Speaker 1: we're most like in relationships where we give too much,

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Speaker 1: where we share too much, where we are giving more

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Speaker 1: of ourselves than we have access to, and when we

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Speaker 1: do that, we don't have enough left for ourselves. So

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Speaker 1: self care cannot exist. When boundaries don't exist, you won't

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Speaker 1: have time for it. It's just, unfortunately the truth. And

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Speaker 1: so when people, you know, when I have clients share

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Speaker 1: with me, you know I don't have time for self care.

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Speaker 1: You don't have boundaries, most likely is what is happening,

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Speaker 1: or you said yes or over committed yourself to things.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes it's not even about people around you. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's like I have a goal. I want to accomplish

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Speaker 1: all of these things by the time I'm thirty five,

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Speaker 1: I've moved the age up as I age forty. I

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Speaker 1: want to accomplish all these things by this certain age,

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Speaker 1: and so I over commit myself because I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: reach this goal. When I nactuality, I'm exhausted, I'm drained,

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Speaker 1: I'm unhappy. And boundaries help us to still go for

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Speaker 1: those goals, still have commitments, still have and have family,

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Speaker 1: people in our lives, have a life. But to have

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Speaker 1: an actual life where we feel good on a regular basis,

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Speaker 1: You're still going to have ups and downs with boundaries.

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Speaker 1: Life is not going to be a fairy tale with boundaries,

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Speaker 1: but you will at least have access and awareness of

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Speaker 1: what you're saying yes and no to and why. And

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Speaker 1: another thing too that boundaries helps us to not carry

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Speaker 1: is resentment. So many of us are carrying resentment and

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Speaker 1: anger because we're doing things that we feel we should

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Speaker 1: be doing that we don't want to be doing, and

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Speaker 1: boundaries is a way to second like, check yourself, why

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Speaker 1: am I saying yes to this?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Check yourself. It's interesting.

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Speaker 3: I mean, you gave the practical example before about the

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Speaker 3: boundary of the do not disturb and shutting your phone

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Speaker 3: down at seven o'clock at night. I got a question

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Speaker 3: not all that long ago from heard a listener and

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Speaker 3: she was saying that she was having a difficult time

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Speaker 3: in her friendships and relationships because she is training for

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Speaker 3: a marathon and it seems as though all of her

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Speaker 3: friends don't seem to understand how important this is to her,

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Speaker 3: why she can't be out and about all the time.

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Speaker 2: And I message her back.

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Speaker 3: We actually had a really beautiful discussion about boundaries and

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Speaker 3: about how it can be really important for her in

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Speaker 3: that situation. Reatter to them how important it is for

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Speaker 3: her to have them in her life, but she just

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Speaker 3: needs to do it in a different way at this time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, in situations like that where I have not ran

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Speaker 1: a marathon. I've ran a half, but even that was exhausting.

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Speaker 1: I can imagine the amount of training and time commitment.

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Speaker 1: So she set the boundary. The boundary is I am

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Speaker 1: training for a marathon, and so I don't have a

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Speaker 1: lot of time for other things right now. And the

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Speaker 1: hard part about boundaries is, of course, the enforcing them,

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Speaker 1: the conversations like why can't you come out and drink,

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Speaker 1: why can't you come to the party, Why can't you

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Speaker 1: do this thing, and so that's usually the part of

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Speaker 1: boundaries that causes people to use a Spades term renig to,

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Speaker 1: you know, to want to come back and say, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to make my friends uncomfortable, or I don't

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Speaker 1: want to be uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable in the guilt that

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Speaker 1: I feel about how you feel about me having these boundaries.

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Speaker 1: So maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm doing too much, And

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Speaker 1: we begin to second guests choosing ourselves or choosing what

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Speaker 1: matters to us because someone's a little bit uncomfortable about

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Speaker 1: the way that we're choosing to live our lives. And

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Speaker 1: that's the dance that we are in with boundaries, constantly

435
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: having to come back to ourselves and say, like, am

436
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 1: I actually overreacting about wanting to go to sleep early

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Speaker 1: so that I can run in the morning. No, Like,

438
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,399
Speaker 1: is this going to be something that's uncomfortable for them

439
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,320
Speaker 1: because there's a change and a shift. Absolutely? Can I

440
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:50,920
Speaker 1: reassure them that our relationship still matters to me?

441
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:51,880
Speaker 4: Yes?

442
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,840
Speaker 1: Is it my work to help them on the journey

443
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: of their discomfort about me running this marathon?

444
00:23:59,040 --> 00:23:59,760
Speaker 4: Absolutely not.

445
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,919
Speaker 1: That's something that they need to work through why I

446
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,640
Speaker 1: feel the way I feel about my friend doing this thing,

447
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,560
Speaker 1: and it's it's it's a That's an example that you know,

448
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,359
Speaker 1: people think boundaries are only for the big things and

449
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,399
Speaker 1: for everything, the big things, the things that seem little,

450
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: the things that we consider to be little. That's something

451
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 1: that someone might think I'm overreacting. It matters to you,

452
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 1: and that's all that matters, is that it matters to you.

453
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 3: Taking a quick break to talk to you about my sponsors.

454
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459
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464
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465
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466
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467
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470
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478
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479
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,239
Speaker 3: I am in the phase of my marathon training right

480
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,639
Speaker 3: now where I feel like it is impossible for me

481
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,720
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482
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:15,400
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483
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,560
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484
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,679
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485
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:28,120
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486
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487
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488
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489
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490
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Speaker 3: you're putting in your body is super important. And a

491
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492
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493
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494
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495
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496
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497
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Speaker 2: That's five dollars.

498
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,280
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499
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500
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501
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Speaker 3: The Raspberry salt you might be hooked on first sip

502
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 3: and something else you said before the phrase, well what

503
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 3: would a good person do? That can be just like

504
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,720
Speaker 3: so damning right, And I don't mean to just like

505
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 3: be that blunt about it, but it could be something

506
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 3: as simple as perhaps someone that you've needed to create

507
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 3: a boundary in your life you haven't spoken in quite

508
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,680
Speaker 3: some time, and then their birthday rolls around and it's

509
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:57,120
Speaker 3: like talk about the birthday boundary, Like do you say

510
00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 3: happy birthday?

511
00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 2: Is this good for your self? Care. Is this good

512
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 2: for your wellness?

513
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 3: I feel like there are so many instances in life

514
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,040
Speaker 3: where you might not want this person to think that

515
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 3: you don't want to celebrate them, But that doesn't mean

516
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,640
Speaker 3: that it's good for your mental well being, right.

517
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: I honestly always ask myself and share with clients or

518
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 1: I'm facilitating, Like if I have to go back and

519
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:22,200
Speaker 1: forth in my head, if I'm feeling anxiety about even texting, calling,

520
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:26,600
Speaker 1: I have to prepare myself physically and mentally for a text,

521
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 1: that is the answer. The answer is this is I'm uncomfortable.

522
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to do this, amen, And it's like

523
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 1: you yet they may think, they may think you're not

524
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 1: a quote unquote good person.

525
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 4: Is it true? You know?

526
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: Sometimes we have to do this, you know, like what

527
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: I call fact checking ourselves, Like is it actually true

528
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 1: that I'm not a good person? Or have I learned

529
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: over time that the way that we are in relationship

530
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 1: with each other is not helpful to my mental health?

531
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: And I am now taking care of myself that.

532
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 2: You are speaking to my soul, speaking to myself.

533
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 3: Okay, So I mean we've talked about just now, we've

534
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 3: wrapped about the importance of boundaries. But as we're kind

535
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:12,360
Speaker 3: of getting into here, the practice of establishing and up

536
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 3: keeping them can be quite difficult.

537
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 2: So let's jam on that.

538
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:24,680
Speaker 3: How does at first someone even begin to articulate their boundaries.

539
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's probably the hardest part, and I

540
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 1: always suggest starting with self boundaries. Self boundaries are the

541
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,280
Speaker 1: boundaries we set with ourselves, the way that we take

542
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: care of ourselves. If I say I'm going to do

543
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 1: this thing. If I'm running the marathon and I know

544
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 1: that I need to eat a certain amount or drink

545
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: enough water or whatever, that's a boundary. Am I doing

546
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:45,840
Speaker 1: those things that I said that I'm going to do

547
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:47,480
Speaker 1: for myself?

548
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:48,480
Speaker 4: With myself?

549
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: If I said I'm going to go to sleep at

550
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 1: a certain time, am I following that boundary? If I

551
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 1: said I'm not going to drink or I'm gonna only

552
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 1: have one drink, whatever it is, am I am I

553
00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: following what I said with myself. And the reason why

554
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: that's so is because it's hard to set boundaries externally.

555
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:09,360
Speaker 1: It's hard to have that communicative conversation externally when we

556
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 1: aren't having those conversations with ourselves internally. So I don't

557
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: even know what I'm actually advocating for I know I'm uncomfortable.

558
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say about why I'm uncomfortable.

559
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 1: And when we have that internally, you know, when we

560
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 1: start to talk to her, I'm uncomfortable because I haven't

561
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: drink water. While I didn't drink water because I worked

562
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 1: past my alarm, you know, we begin to recognize, oh,

563
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 1: that's what that uncomfort is. Because in the beginning, the

564
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 1: discomfort just feels like sometimes anger or exhaustion or resentment

565
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:46,160
Speaker 1: or projection. We don't actually know what it is until

566
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: we start to have that self awareness, which is why

567
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 1: I feel like that's where the self healing helps us

568
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:56,000
Speaker 1: to build that muscle to say, oh, I need to

569
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 1: set this boundary with myself. I probably also need to

570
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 1: set this boundary with others. And in the practice, like

571
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: you were sharing or are asking, we don't always have

572
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 1: to communicate our boundaries. We don't always have to say, hey,

573
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 1: can I sit down with you because I have a

574
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 1: new boundary, like I really didn't want to buy this carpet,

575
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 1: but I really wanted this carpet, and so you know,

576
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 1: we don't have to have that conversation. It's like, hey,

577
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: if you want to come inside, you have to take

578
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 1: your shoes off, Like why is I mean, it's kind

579
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,240
Speaker 1: of you know, it could be common sense for some,

580
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:33,160
Speaker 1: but sometimes we're just sharing what the boundary is, right.

581
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 1: We don't have to communicate or explain is a better way.

582
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 1: We don't have to explain why it's important for this

583
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,360
Speaker 1: to happen. But then there are other boundaries where or

584
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,239
Speaker 1: practicing boundaries where if you're in a romantic relationship with

585
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,560
Speaker 1: your partner, you might have to say, hey, this is

586
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 1: why I'm setting this boundary. You might have to have

587
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,960
Speaker 1: those tough conversations with kids, with parents, with people that

588
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: you're in interpersonal relationships with. And so beginning to parse

589
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,320
Speaker 1: all of that out starts with the self, what do

590
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,920
Speaker 1: I need and how can I give it to myself?

591
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 4: First, first, and foremost?

592
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 3: And I almost feel like you could even dial this

593
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:10,360
Speaker 3: back one more layer because this practice of establishing your

594
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 3: boundary boundaries and articulating what's important to you.

595
00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 2: Also likely stems from your personal values.

596
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,720
Speaker 3: Right, so being able to sit down and articulate what

597
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,840
Speaker 3: it is in your life that is of importance to you,

598
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:25,479
Speaker 3: where you do want to, you know, give and donate

599
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 3: your energy and really focus on absolutely.

600
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,480
Speaker 1: I mean that's where the sugar jar concept comes from

601
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 1: that I teach from. Like you look at your jar.

602
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 1: You know, the jar, the glass jar itself is is you,

603
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 1: is your boundaries. The sugar is your energy, your time,

604
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,880
Speaker 1: your money, all of the things that you can give

605
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 1: or exchange. And then the lid is the permission. When

606
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 1: you take the lid off, people can come in and

607
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,239
Speaker 1: have access to you. When you put the lid back on,

608
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 1: they don't have access. Many of us have our jar

609
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 1: in a kitchen where people are just roaming in and

610
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 1: out taking out sugar. There's sugar all over the place,

611
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,000
Speaker 1: and you know, like our energy, like our time, like

612
00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:08,480
Speaker 1: our money. When sugar spills, it's you're not going to

613
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,720
Speaker 1: get all of it back, right, So then we're having

614
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: to fill ourselves back up. But it's hard to keep

615
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 1: your jar full if people are just coming in and out,

616
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: you know, constantly using it for whatever. So you have

617
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,160
Speaker 1: to put your lid on. But in order to put

618
00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:24,520
Speaker 1: your lid on, you have to know your lid is off.

619
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 1: You have to know that it's you and it's it's

620
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 1: I think the values are important, but I notice that

621
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 1: the val this is just in my experience with clients

622
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: that that doesn't come until they start to say no.

623
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 1: That that usually doesn't click until they start to they

624
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 1: know they're uncomfortable, and I'm like, hey, I actually don't.

625
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 1: It could be something like a birthday party. I don't

626
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 1: want to go to that birthday party, not because I

627
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,160
Speaker 1: don't love them, but because I have worked tomorrow or whatever.

628
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 1: And then when they say the no, when they do

629
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 1: the first, the first time, they advocate for themselves, and

630
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,840
Speaker 1: maybe they get that projection or that pushback or whatever

631
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 1: it is that they get from that person. If they

632
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 1: get the yes, I understand, girl, I'm so happy for you,

633
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,000
Speaker 1: then it's like, oh my god, you know I said

634
00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:10,640
Speaker 1: a boundary and their prow for me. That has happened

635
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 1: maybe twice, and all of the people.

636
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 2: Oh damn, you were giving them so much like this

637
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:17,319
Speaker 2: could happen to me.

638
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 1: It definitely happens with people that you are in relationship

639
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,320
Speaker 1: with who are also doing their own work.

640
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 3: I was gonna say that understand who you are and

641
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 3: appreciate you and like your well being. It's that idea like, well,

642
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 3: they have to kill your cup up first so that

643
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:31,880
Speaker 3: you could you have to fill up your own sugar

644
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,839
Speaker 3: jars so that you can like, you know, it's.

645
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: People who are taking care of their own sugar jars

646
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,000
Speaker 1: and taking care of themselves. It's not even about you,

647
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:41,040
Speaker 1: Like if they're taking care of themselves, and they can

648
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,960
Speaker 1: also understand someone else taking care of themselves if they're

649
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 1: not getting care of themselves and they're like, what do

650
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,799
Speaker 1: you mean you need time for yourself? But yeah, once

651
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 1: they say that no and they get that pushback or

652
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 1: that projection or that that trigger, then they recognize, oh,

653
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,359
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with this. Why am I uncomfortable with this?

654
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,880
Speaker 1: Because I'm uncomfortable with sending you know, So what do

655
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:00,319
Speaker 1: I need?

656
00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 4: Oh?

657
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,720
Speaker 1: I need to be in relationships with people who understand

658
00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:04,239
Speaker 1: that I'm going to say no. Sometimes that's like the

659
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 1: value building the understanding starts.

660
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,240
Speaker 4: To click together.

661
00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, because when we talked about.

662
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,400
Speaker 1: Usually think their values are I serve, I show it

663
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:17,680
Speaker 1: for my friends, I care for people, I'm a good person,

664
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,800
Speaker 1: I'm a kind person, I'm the strong person.

665
00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 4: Whatever.

666
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:24,200
Speaker 3: So we've talked about the importance of establishing your values

667
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:27,600
Speaker 3: and the importance of starting these conversations with yourself first.

668
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:30,799
Speaker 3: When it comes to setting boundaries. We've talked about also

669
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 3: how it can be difficult to implement these when it

670
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:35,880
Speaker 3: comes to bringing other people into the mix. So do

671
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 3: you have any perhaps tips to help the hurdlers get

672
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 3: to that stage.

673
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:42,160
Speaker 4: Yeah.

674
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 1: So, once you've started setting boundaries with yourself, you recognize, Okay,

675
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:47,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to set some boundaries with people

676
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:52,080
Speaker 1: in my life. It's really important to begin to be

677
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about who you're dealing with. That's the

678
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:58,799
Speaker 1: first place that we start in our dream mind. In

679
00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 1: our dream scenario, every single person will be a static

680
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,000
Speaker 1: that we're putting a lid on our jar, that we're

681
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 1: setting boundaries, that we're not giving all of ourselves away anymore.

682
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,839
Speaker 1: But unfortunately, a lot of people that were in relationship with,

683
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,000
Speaker 1: even people who love us, even people who are family,

684
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 1: even people we have children with, all of them enjoy

685
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:23,480
Speaker 1: the parts of us that are boundaryless, and so it

686
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 1: can feel for them sometimes like it can create an

687
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:31,680
Speaker 1: energy of defensiveness. Why don't you want to continue to

688
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:35,520
Speaker 1: overgive to me? And so what you have to begin

689
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 1: to ask yourself before you set these boundaries es with

690
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 1: people is do I have any evidence that this is

691
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: someone who may not be able to handle this conversation.

692
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: For example, are they in therapy, are they.

693
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 4: Doing their own healing? Do they take care of themselves?

694
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 1: Do we already have tense conversations or communications? The reason

695
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,839
Speaker 1: why some ortant to do this, it's because sometimes even

696
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,560
Speaker 1: in the relationships that you want to set boundaries in,

697
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:09,840
Speaker 1: or that you're hoping that boundaries will make the relationship easier,

698
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,800
Speaker 1: it's helpful to be honest with yourself about the possibility

699
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:18,839
Speaker 1: that these might be relationships that will drastically change when

700
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,080
Speaker 1: you set boundaries. And what I mean by drastically changes

701
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:26,600
Speaker 1: shift in go away, because sometimes boundaries are the deal

702
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,920
Speaker 1: breaker for relationships. People don't want to be in relationship

703
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 1: with you as a boundary person.

704
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.

705
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,040
Speaker 3: And I think that that is obviously where so many

706
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:42,279
Speaker 3: people struggle, right the idea of losing someone who at

707
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:46,080
Speaker 3: one point in time was very important to you. And

708
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 3: it's not that all of a sudden you don't care

709
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 3: about their well being, But at times it's like you

710
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 3: can only give and give and gifts so much until

711
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 3: you realize that you're just hurting yourself in that process.

712
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,319
Speaker 1: It's so true, and I think why that's the first

713
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:04,160
Speaker 1: step is because it can be very jarring and shocking.

714
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,160
Speaker 1: Sometimes incredibly close people that you thought would be with

715
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,239
Speaker 1: you forever are the people that those relationships end in.

716
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,319
Speaker 1: Having that conversation with yourself doesn't make it easier, but

717
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: it at least prepares you for the possibility that this

718
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,799
Speaker 1: is something that could happen. And then with the people

719
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: that you think might be And this is this isn't

720
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 1: typing people or projecting onto people or you know, it's

721
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,440
Speaker 1: just being honest with yourself, like, based on the interactions

722
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 1: I've had with them so far, what do I think

723
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,560
Speaker 1: I'm getting myself into? And then you try the conversation,

724
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,560
Speaker 1: you say, hey, you know, this is what's going to

725
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:37,040
Speaker 1: be happening going forward. This is why again, these are

726
00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:40,400
Speaker 1: interpersonal relationships where the boundary might affect the relationship to

727
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 1: the point where communicating is the healthy and kind and

728
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,759
Speaker 1: respectful thing to do with someone that you're in relationship with.

729
00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 1: And then you have the conversation and you know, I

730
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: just it's it's interesting. You really never know how people

731
00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: are going to react. Sometimes people are very excited for

732
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:03,640
Speaker 1: you and want to support you, and sometimes people feel

733
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: like the simple choosing yourself means that you're not choosing them,

734
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: and things will shift and change, but ultimately, at the

735
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,280
Speaker 1: end of the day, reminding yourself that it's still important

736
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:19,880
Speaker 1: that you choose yourself. It's still important that you stand

737
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:22,000
Speaker 1: strong and firm and the boundaries that matter to you

738
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:27,319
Speaker 1: and not begin to second guess yourself now because they're

739
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,479
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with the boundaries that you've set.

740
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:32,160
Speaker 4: And so and again.

741
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: It can be big or small, but usually it's the

742
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:40,840
Speaker 1: small boundaries that really change people. Because the small boundaries

743
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 1: like going to bed early, or drinking water or not

744
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,799
Speaker 1: drinking or not drinking is a big is a big

745
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,839
Speaker 1: one for you, but for it's like just a social thing.

746
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,719
Speaker 1: Whatever it is you're choosing for yourself, the small ways

747
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,400
Speaker 1: in what you're shaping and changing your life, whatever it is,

748
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,680
Speaker 1: it usually changes the connection that you had with that person.

749
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:01,080
Speaker 1: If all you did was go out in club together

750
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: and now you're training for a marathon, the nature of

751
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 1: the relationship has completely shifted, and so I think understanding

752
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 1: and having compassion for what that person might be going

753
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 1: through as well, but that doesn't have to change what

754
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:14,720
Speaker 1: you've chosen for yourself.

755
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:18,040
Speaker 3: I think that example of not drinking is actually a

756
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:21,120
Speaker 3: really good one to tap into for a second here,

757
00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:24,839
Speaker 3: because this can be for instance, maybe you just don't

758
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,959
Speaker 3: want to drink one particular night right like you're still

759
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,120
Speaker 3: down to go out for dinner, everyone's out, and you

760
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,240
Speaker 3: have this one friend that says, just have a glass

761
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:35,279
Speaker 3: of wine, like just do this one thing, and you

762
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:39,200
Speaker 3: stand firm in that, but you leave that interaction feeling

763
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,960
Speaker 3: a little round the wrong way that this person wasn't

764
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:43,360
Speaker 3: really respecting your boundaries.

765
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 2: So then my question to you is where's the.

766
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:50,319
Speaker 3: Importance of perhaps after the fact, maybe just talking to

767
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,560
Speaker 3: that person about how that made you feel, and if

768
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:55,880
Speaker 3: there is value in doing that so that maybe the

769
00:40:55,960 --> 00:41:00,239
Speaker 3: next time you don't experience that same altercation perhaps yeah, yeah,

770
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 3: you know, I.

771
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,879
Speaker 1: Name that because that's probably when that comes. Happens all

772
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: the time, or like have that glass of wine or

773
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: come on, just take a shot whatever, or and then

774
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 1: the comments that come after that, oh you're a prude

775
00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:14,080
Speaker 1: or whatever they say that makes you you know, they're

776
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,359
Speaker 1: trying to what is the word.

777
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,400
Speaker 4: They're trying to pressure you into your.

778
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 1: Peer pressure, peer pressure, fear pressure you into We're so

779
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,960
Speaker 1: good with our boundaries, we don't even know what peer pressure.

780
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:29,439
Speaker 2: Is yeah, not one hundred percent tury, but.

781
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: Facts still working on and always working. But yes, it's

782
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,360
Speaker 1: important to first have the conversation with yourself. What was

783
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:42,160
Speaker 1: I uncomfortable with? Get as clear as possible with yourself

784
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,000
Speaker 1: about what just happened. That way, you're walking into a

785
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 1: conversation instead of an argument. You're walking into a communication

786
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:53,640
Speaker 1: instead of a let me tell you about yourself kind

787
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 1: of communication. Once you realize what's happening. Who you're talking

788
00:41:58,080 --> 00:41:59,800
Speaker 1: to again, do that self assessment who am I talking to?

789
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,560
Speaker 1: If I'm talking to the life of the party, who's

790
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: always having a glass of wine, then they may not

791
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:04,279
Speaker 1: think it's a big deal.

792
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 4: They may not understand, and then.

793
00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:09,400
Speaker 1: You know, have that conversation say hey, I know you

794
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 1: just wanted me to have a good time last night,

795
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,239
Speaker 1: and I know you were just trying to help help

796
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,399
Speaker 1: me loosen up. But like when I say I don't

797
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:16,080
Speaker 1: want to drink, you don't have to worry about it.

798
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 4: I'm fine.

799
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 1: I was having a great time, right And remember that

800
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 1: the point is not to teach them. Listen, when I

801
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 1: set a boundary, you're going to honor it because you

802
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 1: know you're not their therapist. You're not their parent, you're

803
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 1: not their school teacher. You're just advocating for yourself. And

804
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:34,000
Speaker 1: then if it happens again, then you can make a

805
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:36,759
Speaker 1: decision right there in the moment. I mean, I think

806
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 1: there's a time and a place sometimes to definitely check

807
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,479
Speaker 1: people in the moment and say I said I'm good, yeah,

808
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:43,160
Speaker 1: and then that's it.

809
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:45,799
Speaker 3: This would be one of those instances that I would

810
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,399
Speaker 3: remind myself or ask myself, what is it that I'm

811
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,120
Speaker 3: hoping to get out of this conversation before I go

812
00:42:51,239 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 3: into it. I ask myself that a lot, whether it's

813
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 3: conversations with friends or conversations in business, like how can

814
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:00,520
Speaker 3: I that's present myself, stay true to who I am

815
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 3: and the things that I want, and have like a

816
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:06,359
Speaker 3: productive conversation instead of again you were saying like lecturing

817
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 3: or lecturing or bullying, like that's not the goal here.

818
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:11,640
Speaker 3: Think about what it is that you're trying to walk

819
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:12,200
Speaker 3: away with.

820
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 1: That is so important and it's an important part of

821
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:19,360
Speaker 1: the setting boundaries conversation I'm not here to change you.

822
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:24,920
Speaker 1: I can't change you. And also being honest with yourself first.

823
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:30,080
Speaker 1: Having that initial conversation is reducing the expectations that's what

824
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 1: that process is doing. Instead of going into the conversation

825
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,960
Speaker 1: and thinking they're going to hear me, they're gonna understand me.

826
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,319
Speaker 1: They're going to be like I was wrong. They're going

827
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:41,439
Speaker 1: to apologize that may or may not happen. What we're

828
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,200
Speaker 1: doing when we're thinking about the conversation or thinking about

829
00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:46,960
Speaker 1: what we're walking into, we're getting ourselves prepared to go in.

830
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 1: We're remembering who we're talking to. The remembering who I'm

831
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 1: talking to lets me know, Okay, they've never apologized to

832
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:55,200
Speaker 1: me before, so I probably won't be get an apology

833
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:59,040
Speaker 1: out of this. What am I actually here for. I'm

834
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:01,839
Speaker 1: reminding myself. I'm here voice my boundaries and to make

835
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,759
Speaker 1: it clear that that I was uncomfortable. There is no

836
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:05,839
Speaker 1: other expectation.

837
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:06,879
Speaker 4: Right.

838
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 1: They may decide to do this again. You can set

839
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,719
Speaker 1: a boundary. It doesn't mean that people will want to

840
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 1: follow it. It doesn't mean that people will one hundred

841
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,359
Speaker 1: percent be behind you on what they may say. Hey,

842
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,399
Speaker 1: I understand that you didn't want to drink that night.

843
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 1: I think you're overreacting a little bit. It was just,

844
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 1: you know, I was just and that's it. Like you

845
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,960
Speaker 1: did what you came to do. You could take it

846
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 1: further if you wanted to and have an argument and

847
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:35,400
Speaker 1: you know, or have a discussion or have a debate. Personally,

848
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:38,920
Speaker 1: we're human. Things are going to happen. Those instances are

849
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,000
Speaker 1: going to happen. But if like I was talking to

850
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,840
Speaker 1: a client, I would say, before they had this conversation,

851
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:47,239
Speaker 1: how would having that debate, that argument actually serve you,

852
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 1: Because now we're going to be walking away from that.

853
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,160
Speaker 1: Now we've got a new problem on our hands. The

854
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:55,080
Speaker 1: conversation was originally just about, hey, when I say I

855
00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:56,879
Speaker 1: don't want to drink, I don't want to drink. Now

856
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,480
Speaker 1: we're talking about how you know, we're taking it further.

857
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,080
Speaker 1: When if we did that first self check, who am

858
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 1: I talking to, what am I expecting out of this conversation,

859
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:09,680
Speaker 1: what do I personally need? Then you most likely can

860
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:13,040
Speaker 1: walk into it with a clearer mind frame about I'm

861
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:16,520
Speaker 1: here to just advocate for myself. I'm not necessarily here

862
00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:20,640
Speaker 1: to make them do, say, or be anything other than

863
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,480
Speaker 1: what they may or may not choose to do in

864
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:22,960
Speaker 1: that moment.

865
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,120
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, Okay.

866
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:27,839
Speaker 3: So we've talked about setting self boundaries, We've talked about

867
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,920
Speaker 3: executing your boundaries with others.

868
00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 2: We've talked about the conversations.

869
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:33,279
Speaker 3: That may have that you may have to have if

870
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:35,320
Speaker 3: you set these boundaries and they don't go so well.

871
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:37,960
Speaker 3: What we haven't talked on yet, but we did reference

872
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:41,240
Speaker 3: was the difficulty that can come hand in hand when

873
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,200
Speaker 3: you may have to pivot or walk away from certain

874
00:45:44,239 --> 00:45:47,800
Speaker 3: relationships that aren't serving you when you set these boundaries.

875
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,319
Speaker 3: Do you have any advice for the hurdlers when it

876
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 3: comes to dealing with the feelings that come hand in

877
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 3: hand with that.

878
00:45:56,840 --> 00:46:00,400
Speaker 1: Oh it sucks, Oh it does when we set backoundaries

879
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 1: and relationships and or when people set boundaries and they

880
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:05,480
Speaker 1: with us. You know, boundaries are really sexy when we're

881
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 1: talking about setting them for when I'm facilitating, they become

882
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 1: less sexy when we're talking about people setting boundaries with us.

883
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 4: So there's a couple of things.

884
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:19,600
Speaker 1: There's an important part of recognizing that people have free choice.

885
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,600
Speaker 1: Just like we're choosing ourselves, people can also choose to

886
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 1: not choose us when we choose ourselves, and so it's

887
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,440
Speaker 1: easy to say, sometimes well they don't like me as

888
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:36,080
Speaker 1: this new version of myself, Well maybe they don't, and

889
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:39,799
Speaker 1: they get to choose that and if the point is

890
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:43,680
Speaker 1: for us to choose ourselves, recognizing in the beginning and

891
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:46,040
Speaker 1: understanding that people may not want to come with us

892
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,799
Speaker 1: when we do that, it doesn't make them less than

893
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:50,920
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them not having their best lives. It

894
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 1: just means that we're not on the same path anymore.

895
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:56,359
Speaker 1: And so that's i think the first important part to recognize,

896
00:46:56,440 --> 00:46:58,520
Speaker 1: because we can also carry around a lot of resentment

897
00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:02,040
Speaker 1: and quote unquote out on my level kind of energy

898
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:04,919
Speaker 1: when we think, oh, because I'm becoming a better version

899
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 1: of myself, they don't want to come with me. They

900
00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:09,360
Speaker 1: have a different idea of what life is and they

901
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: get to choose that. And so like separating the two.

902
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 1: But the second piece is the grief. You know, it's

903
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:19,440
Speaker 1: really hard when you think you have someone that you're

904
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,600
Speaker 1: going to be with forever or that you're going to

905
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,200
Speaker 1: have around forever, especially when it's a friend. I've found,

906
00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 1: especially in facilitating this work, that like the breakups with

907
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:32,480
Speaker 1: romantic partnerships are nothing compared to the breakups that happen

908
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:35,400
Speaker 1: with friends and family. Like that is the ones that

909
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:39,040
Speaker 1: people are like, Okay, my partner, you know whatever, I mean,

910
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:42,640
Speaker 1: it's hard, but my best friend since high school or

911
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 1: my aunt, like, I didn't see this coming, and I

912
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:50,560
Speaker 1: think with family, I'll just name that sometimes in families

913
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:54,839
Speaker 1: we have this language and communication that we adapt to

914
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:57,920
Speaker 1: that we don't even realize as a boundary violation. So

915
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:01,240
Speaker 1: we've been operating in our family dynamic for our whole

916
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:05,440
Speaker 1: lives under this boundary violation. And when we start advocating

917
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:08,480
Speaker 1: for ourselves and choosing ourselves, we realize, I can't be

918
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:15,200
Speaker 1: myself in my family without this boundary, and so I

919
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:18,840
Speaker 1: hope that makes sense. And so now we're setting boundaries

920
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 1: with family that no one has ever introduced before, and

921
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 1: so that can be really tough, and it's just important

922
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:31,279
Speaker 1: to recognize that it can really ruffle things. But it's

923
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:34,080
Speaker 1: also important to recognize a name that you're allowed to

924
00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: have boundaries with family. When it comes to friends, our

925
00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:40,719
Speaker 1: chosen family, that can be really tough too. When relationships

926
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:43,120
Speaker 1: shift and change for both of them and for all

927
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:46,240
Speaker 1: of them, grief comes up. We walk through the journey

928
00:48:46,280 --> 00:48:50,640
Speaker 1: of sadness and discomfort, and every single person that I

929
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,960
Speaker 1: have worked with when on one has usually had to

930
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 1: build some form of a new community of people who

931
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:59,839
Speaker 1: are also on this journey. Because it can be really hard.

932
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:03,560
Speaker 1: Not everybody is willing to do this work. This is

933
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:06,839
Speaker 1: a choice. We don't have to do this, and so

934
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:10,000
Speaker 1: but knowing that there is an opportunity for connection and

935
00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 1: relationships on the other side is really important.

936
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, and something that I've leaned into. I have

937
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:20,040
Speaker 3: this thing, and I've referenced it on the show before,

938
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,520
Speaker 3: but I have this thing that I call my joy list.

939
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:25,160
Speaker 3: And it could be me dealing with the loss of

940
00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:27,800
Speaker 3: a friendship because of the implementation of a boundary, or

941
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,640
Speaker 3: it could be me dealing with the fact that, like

942
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:31,719
Speaker 3: my right hip feels a little wonky right now, which

943
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 3: is very scary because I'm supposed to be running a

944
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,840
Speaker 3: marathon in three weeks. Either of those things, I'll go

945
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 3: to my joy list, I'll open it up, and I'll

946
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 3: pick something that I know brings me happiness, so that

947
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:45,359
Speaker 3: in that moment, I can remind myself that I am

948
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,319
Speaker 3: in charge of my own joy and whatever is going

949
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 3: on that is making me feel what could be inferior

950
00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 3: or frustrated or just glum, is not going to go away.

951
00:49:56,320 --> 00:49:58,520
Speaker 3: But I have the choice in that moment to do

952
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:00,560
Speaker 3: something about how I feel and move forward.

953
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:01,000
Speaker 2: From there.

954
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:03,640
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that I teach I teach you. I

955
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:07,720
Speaker 1: called the joy list that same thing. Yes, for people

956
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 1: to keep a list of five things that they love

957
00:50:10,080 --> 00:50:12,839
Speaker 1: at all times, because we have to choose. It's one

958
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:16,440
Speaker 1: of the most interesting things about healing comes that comes up.

959
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,560
Speaker 1: We think that, oh, I'll set boundaries, I'll do all

960
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:22,160
Speaker 1: this work, and then joy will disappear. That's not how

961
00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: it actually works all the time, because life is still happening.

962
00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:28,719
Speaker 1: Ups and downs are still happening. Stuff is happening on

963
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,719
Speaker 1: the news, friends, family, things are changing. We have to

964
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:35,879
Speaker 1: choose joy and so you know, reminding yourself to bring

965
00:50:35,920 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 1: that in is so important, an important part of healing

966
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:42,879
Speaker 1: and advocating for yourself and self care.

967
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:46,680
Speaker 3: This conversation about boundaries has been so helpful. I think

968
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,560
Speaker 3: for many of the listeners. I get so many messages

969
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:54,520
Speaker 3: talking about their you know, want and desire to do

970
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:56,960
Speaker 3: this kind of work, but the fear that goes hand

971
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:59,400
Speaker 3: in hand with that. And if there's anything that I

972
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:02,800
Speaker 3: think is certain in this conversation, it's that although setting

973
00:51:02,800 --> 00:51:06,439
Speaker 3: the boundaries again can be difficult, that you will walk

974
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,680
Speaker 3: away feeling more invested and close with yourself, knowing that

975
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:12,680
Speaker 3: You're sticking up for you because I firmly believe and

976
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:15,319
Speaker 3: I know that you do, being someone who who does

977
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:16,319
Speaker 3: this self healing work.

978
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:17,960
Speaker 2: It's that like it starts with you.

979
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:20,640
Speaker 3: And again that idea that if you don't take the

980
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:22,799
Speaker 3: time to give back to you, to fill up your cup,

981
00:51:22,840 --> 00:51:26,719
Speaker 3: then who are you to expect that you'll be able

982
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:30,320
Speaker 3: to show up in your other relationships nearly as whole

983
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 3: or as happy as you could otherwise?

984
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:36,279
Speaker 1: Absolutely so important to you know, fill up your own jar.

985
00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 1: It's so important to leave other people's jars to themselves.

986
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:43,960
Speaker 1: And anytime you're feeling that discomfort, you have an opportunity.

987
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:47,080
Speaker 1: You have a choice, and I hope that you feel

988
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:48,800
Speaker 1: the invitation to choose yourself.

989
00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:51,719
Speaker 3: I love that as me. And how do the hurdlers

990
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:54,319
Speaker 3: follow along with you? How do they keep up with you?

991
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 3: For more inspiration and motivation? Give me the details.

992
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:01,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, so definitely follow me on Instagram at your husband Cheyenne,

993
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:04,440
Speaker 1: I share a daily post. You can also join my

994
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:09,279
Speaker 1: list where I share workbooks and journals for free, and

995
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,520
Speaker 1: then listen to the Sugar Jar podcast anywhere you listen

996
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:12,239
Speaker 1: to podcasts.

997
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:14,800
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, I'm over at Emily A. Body

998
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:18,879
Speaker 3: and at Hurdle podcast, Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys

999
00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:19,319
Speaker 3: next time.