Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Hey, it's Michael Costa. The Daily Shows taking a break
Speaker 2: this week, but we put together some special highlight episodes
Speaker 2: just for you. We'll be back with brand new episodes
Speaker 2: of The Daily Show next week. In the meantime, enjoy
Speaker 2: this episode.
Speaker 3: Were Welcome back to The Daily Show.
Speaker 4: When a new story falls through the.
Speaker 2: Cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call
Speaker 2: back in black.
Speaker 5: Ah Summer when my balls glue themselves to my thigh
Speaker 5: and don't let go untill Labor Day.
Speaker 4: And if you're a.
Speaker 5: Kid, it means going to camp. Summer camp used to
Speaker 5: be about playing sports, making friends, and if you're lucky,
Speaker 5: finding a dead body. But for parents who think it's
Speaker 5: time for their five year old to start focusing on
Speaker 5: a career, there are a few camps just for them,
Speaker 5: like this one.
Speaker 2: Chick fil A is getting some backlash over its new
Speaker 2: summer camp coming to Louisiana at the end of July.
Speaker 2: Kids will learn scales such as taking guest orders and
Speaker 2: backing food.
Speaker 6: The franchises that are doing it only charge about thirty
Speaker 6: five dollars ages five to twelve, and kids learned the
Speaker 6: Chicken sandwich business.
Speaker 5: Wow, did you hear that Chick flayans a summer camp.
Speaker 5: Tell me now kids are finally getting to learn the
Speaker 5: chicken sandwich business. You know, nothing says summer fun like
Speaker 5: third degree grease burns. And the beast part about Chick
Speaker 5: fil A Camp is it only costs thirty five dollars.
Speaker 5: What a bargain. I mean for thirty five dollars, you
Speaker 5: can't even find a babysitter on the terror watch list.
Speaker 5: Even Khalid Sheik Muhammad was forty dollars an hour and
Speaker 5: he didn't even change diapers. But if that's still too
Speaker 5: steep a price tag, you can always bring them for
Speaker 5: free to the company who's basically raising them anyway.
Speaker 3: Apple. For over twenty years now, Apple stores have hosted
Speaker 3: Apple Camp. This is where kids and their parents can
Speaker 3: get creative on the latest Apple devices.
Speaker 2: This year's session focuses on using the iPad to create
Speaker 2: an interactive storybook.
Speaker 3: They're creating animations. They're adding the ar shapes at three
Speaker 3: D shapes to ear photos where they place the three
Speaker 3: D shapes in the world around them.
Speaker 5: Oh, thank god, just what our children need, more screen time.
Speaker 5: I hope they'll use these iPads on planes at full
Speaker 5: volume while I contemplate getting a second pisectomy. Better safe
Speaker 5: than sorry, I will say, these Apple camps seem way
Speaker 5: nicer than the ones in China. I mean, for starters,
Speaker 5: the kids get to leave. Oh stop it, seriously, wake up?
Speaker 5: How do you moan over there? Unbelievable? But maybe I'm
Speaker 5: judging too quickly. Who knows these camps could be fostering
Speaker 5: the storytellers of tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I basically a donut as a vesl, but the ball
Speaker 1: always goes through his hole. So his friend helps him
Speaker 1: put like an in his full time so the ball
Speaker 1: doesn't go through.
Speaker 5: This girl could write the next great animated film. But
Speaker 5: if you dare touch the opening weekend of Inside Up three,
Speaker 5: I'll sue the shit out of you. Follow your dreams,
Speaker 5: but stay away from Daddy's gravy train. But if the
Speaker 5: Friolator and ADHD don't do it for your child. There
Speaker 5: are some camps that teach actual.
Speaker 6: Skills, which is off Fire Department gave young people the
Speaker 6: opportunity to experience what it's like to be a firefighter.
Speaker 6: It's hosting a kid's summer camp and the fun kicked
Speaker 6: off yesterday. This year's summer camp introduces them to the
Speaker 6: roles and responsibilities of the fire department. With up close
Speaker 6: and hands on experience campers ages eight to thirteen, we'll
Speaker 6: get a view of firefighting tasks like pulling hose, spraying water,
Speaker 6: forcible entry and rescue.
Speaker 5: First of all, I don't think you need a camp
Speaker 5: to teach teen.
Speaker 4: Boys how to pull hose. I mean they.
Speaker 5: Tend to figure it out on their own. By the way,
Speaker 5: firefighter camp is just like police camp, but with more
Speaker 5: cardio and less framing people for murder. I admire these kids,
Speaker 5: but they better not show up when I burned down
Speaker 5: my Panama's City condo for the insurance money. Stay away
Speaker 5: from daddy's other gravy training your little life saving shits.
Speaker 5: But a firefighting camp sounds like too much fun. Don't worry,
Speaker 5: You've still got options.
Speaker 3: At this summer campaign sounds middle schoolers take care of
Speaker 3: baby Tory a seventy five thousand dollars high fidelity simulator,
Speaker 3: and there's also so pick you.
Speaker 2: Boyson, Do you want to dress a wound or build
Speaker 2: a bony?
Speaker 3: Bay Care's Diane Roush Camp Nurse Junior at Duneden Sally L.
Speaker 3: Bailey Nursing Education Center is not your typical teenage summer fun.
Speaker 3: Here they're learning about patient care and broken bones and
Speaker 3: CPR and more. For Camilla and Ellie and dozens of others,
Speaker 3: this might be their future.
Speaker 5: What the fucking is that supposed to be a baby?
Speaker 5: It looks like someone knocked up Megan. Somebody's sending that
Speaker 5: thing to the Supreme Court and we'll have abortion back
Speaker 5: in no time. But of course, there's also one very
Speaker 5: affordable summer program that parents are forgetting about ignoring your
Speaker 5: kids and letting them go off for three months, you know,
Speaker 5: watch TV, kickrocks, maybe even pull some hoes. That's how
Speaker 5: I spent my summers as a kid, and look how
Speaker 5: I turned out.
Speaker 3: Welcome back to the Davis Show.
Speaker 5: You know, as crazy as it might seen, there's still
Speaker 5: a lot of voters who aren't sure with it a
Speaker 5: vote for Donald Trum for Joe Biden, so we sent
Speaker 5: a special correspondent to interview some of them.
Speaker 2: All right, welcome to our focused group of undecided voters.
Speaker 2: Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I
Speaker 2: want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this
Speaker 2: two way mirror, No matter what you hear. So as undecided,
Speaker 2: let's go around the room. Tell us your name and
Speaker 2: what yourking problem is.
Speaker 3: We've never had worse choices. In my opinion, I.
Speaker 4: Don't like either candidates, same as other people said.
Speaker 3: I'm not really crazy about either candidates.
Speaker 2: Okay, I see some of you feel you need more
Speaker 2: information about the candidates, and I get it.
Speaker 5: We know so little about.
Speaker 2: Trump and Biden apart from their campaign issues, their actions
Speaker 2: as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal
Speaker 2: indictments whom they've showered with, and a very detailed description
Speaker 2: of Trump's penis from a former porn star. But we
Speaker 2: still don't know. Okay, if you're leaning towards Biden, please
Speaker 2: raise your hand. If you're leaning towards Biden, if you're
Speaker 2: leaning towards Trump, raise your hand. Okay, raise it at
Speaker 2: the forty five degree angle. Please, little straighter, don't pend
Speaker 2: the elbow. That's good. It's a Hitler joke, you see,
Speaker 2: because you support fascist we're having fun. Okay, raise your hand.
Speaker 2: If you feel like voters are easily manipulated, who doesn't
Speaker 2: think so? Okay, now lower your hands. Okay, now raise
Speaker 2: them again. Okay, now lower them again, Raise them up
Speaker 2: one more time. Raise both hands, now lower one. Now,
Speaker 2: everyone say I cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you
Speaker 2: have a beer with? Which candidate would you go to
Speaker 2: a baseball game with?
Speaker 3: Trump?
Speaker 2: Which candidate would you let each sugar cubes out of
Speaker 2: your hand? Why? More gummy less likely to bite you?
Speaker 2: Which candidate would you want to be behind in a
Speaker 2: human centipede? And keep in mind, no matter what you answer,
Speaker 2: we will all think you're disgusting. Okay, this is tough, guys.
Speaker 2: I mean I sent you find yourselves undecided about a
Speaker 2: lot of things.
Speaker 4: My problem is, I'm not sure which one's going to
Speaker 4: die first.
Speaker 2: Thomas. I just have to ask, why are you struggling
Speaker 2: with this decision when you had no problem deciding to
Speaker 2: leave the barbershop with those side dates. Seriously, it's like
Speaker 2: my mom always used to say, ship or get off
Speaker 2: the lawn. It's your civic duty. Yes? Would you agree
Speaker 2: with that? Yes? I agree with what is your gut
Speaker 2: telling you? I mean, other than seatbelts do not come
Speaker 2: in my size?
Speaker 5: I can't trust Biden or Trump?
Speaker 2: Okay, I bet you. I like RFK RFK Junior interesting
Speaker 2: also known as the evidence that the candidates for each other. Okay,
Speaker 2: maybe this will help you, guys, decide between the candidates.
Speaker 2: Here are two sandwiches, all right. One is old and
Speaker 2: moldy and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if
Speaker 2: you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed, or raise your
Speaker 2: left hand if you want the sandwich that we have
Speaker 2: on tape using the N word. Okay, they're having their
Speaker 2: first debate. Do you hope the moderators will ask Trump
Speaker 2: and Bind the really tough questions like do you know
Speaker 2: where you are? And can you breathe on this mirror?
Speaker 2: They're probably gonna call each other on stuff. Both sides
Speaker 2: are constantly saying this is the end of democracy. Both
Speaker 2: sides agree. So maybe instead of worrying about all this
Speaker 2: voting stuff, we should just decide on an escape plan.
Speaker 2: Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas, you look like you
Speaker 2: already live underground? Will the other more people mind if
Speaker 2: we crash? It was time to switch tactics. Perhaps if
Speaker 2: they practiced making any kind of decision, it would prepare
Speaker 2: them for November. We've all been given cheesecake factory menus
Speaker 2: to share. Now take a look at them and make
Speaker 2: a choice. You can do this.
Speaker 1: I'm crazy. I know what I usually get.
Speaker 5: I usually get chickens a flaming out.
Speaker 2: All right, you know what, forget it? Forget it. I
Speaker 2: knew that would work. At this stage. There was only
Speaker 2: one option left. Look, you guys have barely given me anything,
Speaker 2: so I'm just gonna tell you who you're voting for. Daryl,
Speaker 2: you're going to miss election day because there weren't any
Speaker 2: reminders on porn hub. Pauline, you want a safer, brighter
Speaker 2: future for your children, so you're gonna move to Ukraine. Thomas,
Speaker 2: I think you should just stay home. This is a big, one,
Speaker 2: very important election. We need you to sit it out
Speaker 2: and mark. Whatever you decide, I recommend you listen to
Speaker 2: your heart, or at least let a medical professional listen
Speaker 2: to you. Thank you all for being here. We've learned
Speaker 2: a lot. We'll see you in four years when you
Speaker 2: can't decide between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse.
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