1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:09,720 Speaker 1: Hi, I wanted to share that this episode has a 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: content warning. In this episode, we are exploring and discussing 3 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:20,639 Speaker 1: sexual traumas and sexual abuse. I want to share that 4 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,280 Speaker 1: with you because I want you to be in full 5 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,280 Speaker 1: choice with how you'd like to experience this episode. If 6 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:34,520 Speaker 1: this content feels triggering, please consider gifting yourself a previous 7 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 1: episode instead, at least in this moment. And that could 8 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: be one of my recent meditations. It could be an 9 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:47,520 Speaker 1: episode that I recently did called Healing Fatigue. And if 10 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 1: you are moving forward with listening to this episode and 11 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: begins to feel potentially triggering, I want to invite you 12 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: to pause, to take a breath, to close your eyes, 13 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: to support yourself in a way where you are feeling seen, supported, nourished, 14 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: and accepted. Consider having a journal nearby. I hope you 15 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 1: enjoyed the episode. From grandmothers who whispered in their baby 16 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 1: girl ill two fathers on dimly lit street corners instructing 17 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 1: young soldiers to always keep their eyes open. You'll be queen, 18 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: you will fired, you will pass through centuries on the 19 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: hands of your daughters. They called you wisdom. Proverbs on 20 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: the backs of diamond eyed school children who grow into 21 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: hymnals recited by amethyst holding urban philosophers who recited neighborhood 22 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: commandments out of the windows of restored ALCHEMYO chariots to 23 00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: keep the warmth of their blood. Be wise, he's part 24 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 1: being black. Opal Brown ports bloodstone and prayer. Be every 25 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:13,359 Speaker 1: form of jim see king, told, scribe, subscribed, told, son, son, told, wife, wife, 26 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 1: told her daughter, and daughter told the ancestors, and the 27 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,639 Speaker 1: ancestors told me that you would come to give wisdom 28 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:25,080 Speaker 1: to thousands. They said you would come, Dropping Jam, Dropping 29 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,600 Speaker 1: the Gem. Welcome back to another episode of the Dropping 30 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: Gems podcast, your soft place to land where you can 31 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: connect to conscious conversations, tools for the journey to sustain 32 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,840 Speaker 1: our healing and everything in between. I am your host, 33 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: Stebie Brown from Debbie Brown Well Being. This is a 34 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 1: show where we're really exploring all of the holistic possibilities 35 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,919 Speaker 1: for growth um and that holistic view. You know, it's 36 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 1: a multi pronged you. I am a believer that to 37 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 1: be in your healing, to create a healing that is felt, past, 38 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: present in future, we have to look at really expanding 39 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: ourselves in that holistic perspective. Holistic perspective is meeting your 40 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: needs mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually those forward pillars of 41 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,519 Speaker 1: well being or what you often hear as mind, body 42 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: soul connection. I am a huge believer, huge advocate for 43 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: multimodality healing. So that is adding layers to the way 44 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: that you may be processing some of the spiritual curriculum 45 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,840 Speaker 1: that has been unpacking in your life and a huge 46 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: part for me on my personal journey as someone that 47 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: has had many years of many different kinds of things, 48 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: from cognitive therapy, mindfulness, mindful awareness, somatic therapy, um have 49 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: worked with and needs medicine at your Veda, a lot 50 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 1: of different practices, and also sexology. So I believe that 51 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: we have the opportunity to explore ourselves through a multitude 52 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 1: of lenses in this moment in time, and if you 53 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: get the chance, I hope that you will do the same. 54 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: And that's exactly what we're going to be exploring on 55 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: today's episode of the show. We are diving into the 56 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: healing of trauma, the healing of sexual trauma, the reclamation 57 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:44,040 Speaker 1: of sovereignty with one's body, and the ability to experience 58 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 1: expansive pleasure as your birthright. So today I am joined 59 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 1: by Dr Holly Richmond. Dr Holly Richmond is a somatic psychotherapist, 60 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: a licensed Marriage and Family Therapy list, certified sex therapist, 61 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 1: and Associate director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. This unique 62 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: combination of credentials enables her to focus on clients cognitive 63 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: processes as well as mind body health. In addition to 64 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: teaching numerous sexual health related subjects, she works with women, men, couples, 65 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 1: and gender diverse individuals on relationship and sexuality issues, offering 66 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: sex therapy and sexual health coaching nationally and internationally. Her 67 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:39,599 Speaker 1: treatment specialties include low libidos, sexual dysfunction, compulsive sexuality often 68 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: called addiction, desire, discrepancies and couples, recovery from sexual assault 69 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: and abuse, and alternative non traditional sexual expression. Her newly 70 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: released book, Reclaiming Pleasure, A Sex Positive Guide from Moving 71 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 1: past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life, is an 72 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: innovative look at both amatic and psychological factors and survivors 73 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:08,039 Speaker 1: erotic recovery. Dr Holly is regularly quoted in publications and 74 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: media outlets including The New York Times, CNN, Shape, NBC, Wired, Forbes, Oprah, 75 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, and Women's Health. She is a sought 76 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 1: after consultant in the sex tech industry and is seen 77 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,360 Speaker 1: as a pioneer in the clinical exploration of sex and 78 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,480 Speaker 1: technology and how they work together as human sexuality evolves 79 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,280 Speaker 1: in the twenty one century. Each Interlenked facet of her 80 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: work is grounded in a sex positive perspective. All sex 81 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 1: is good sex as long as it is consensual and pleasurable. 82 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,280 Speaker 1: This non judgmental position allows her to assist clients and 83 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: discovering their true needs, desires, and personal path to wellness 84 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,679 Speaker 1: without further adoe deeply, deeply honored to have you here. 85 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: Dr Holly Richmond. Thank you so much, Debbie. I'm really 86 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 1: happy to be here. Okay, I don't even I can't 87 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 1: even contain myself. Um. Something I was sharing with you 88 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 1: off air was how excited I am to have you 89 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: on the show because there are two facets of healing 90 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:18,080 Speaker 1: that have been monumental to my life's journey and to 91 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: my own ability to reclaim myself, to remember the fullness 92 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 1: of my soul's mission in this life, and that was 93 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: working with somatic therapy and also working with sex therapy 94 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 1: and sexology, and these are two things. You are a leading, 95 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,200 Speaker 1: leading mind and expert in and it is such a 96 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: privilege to have you here. Thank you, oh, thank you, 97 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: thank you, and I can't wait to hear more about 98 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,200 Speaker 1: your journey. So first we are here to talk about 99 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: your latest book, which is Reclaiming Pleasure, a sex positive 100 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:55,480 Speaker 1: guide from moving past sexual trauma and living a passionate life. 101 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 1: I mean, Dr Holly, my God, you are doing the 102 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: Lord's work. There is. We are in such a divine time. 103 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: We are in a time of mass healing, of paradigm 104 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 1: shifts in ways that have never happened on this planet before, 105 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 1: especially around women in their bodies. And it is you know, 106 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: there is such a deep gratitude I have for being 107 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: even allowed to be alive right now, to be a 108 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: woman in this time who has this right to explore 109 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 1: herself so fully, to heal herself in this way. And 110 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,560 Speaker 1: there are some things that have come out in recent years, 111 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 1: very very very recent years, that have never happened before, 112 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 1: Like for the very first time we know what the 113 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: internal look of accliteress is. That just happened. How crazy 114 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 1: is that? I know the ins and outs of a 115 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 1: prostate and I don't have one, but I'm just now 116 00:08:55,040 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: equipped with understanding what the fullness of my internal makeup looks, feels, like, 117 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:07,160 Speaker 1: how it's meant to naturally display itself, and even thinking 118 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: of something like that is just so absolutely mind blowing. 119 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: And that doesn't even scratch the surface on the ways 120 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 1: that women have not been allowed to know about or 121 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,839 Speaker 1: explore their own bodies throughout human history. So I want 122 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 1: to ground in that first. Oh, you've already touched on 123 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: some of them, but I just want to kind of 124 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: dentail on what you just said. Pleasure for women is 125 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: not a priority. It's always seen as a bonus. Right, Well, 126 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:37,320 Speaker 1: if you get that as a bonus, And now we're 127 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 1: finally coming around to hold up like the pleasure is 128 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 1: my birthright. Pleasure is my birthright, And I'm going to 129 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: figure out how my clitterest works. I'm going to figure 130 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: out what I like and how I feel good in 131 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 1: my body and how I can show up in the world. 132 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: So thank you, thank you for starting us off there, 133 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: because there is there is a tie change, Yeah, oh gosh, 134 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: there is. I mean, like, pleasure for women is the bonus, 135 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:12,680 Speaker 1: Like is that not the most insane thing to start 136 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 1: to wrap your mind around? And I know I'm really 137 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:18,080 Speaker 1: speaking to the audience as they hear that, Um, because 138 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,080 Speaker 1: so many women really have no idea that that is 139 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: how we are trained to operate, even through intercourse. We're 140 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,440 Speaker 1: trained to be in this kind of space of martyrdom, 141 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 1: you know, where it's like oh no, oh no you first, 142 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: oh no oh, is that okay? What can I do 143 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: for you? And then it's like, well, I'll just go 144 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:43,360 Speaker 1: to bed hungry? What right? Um? And Debbie. I don't 145 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: know how old you are, but for my generation, certainly, 146 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,959 Speaker 1: I was not taught to prioritize my pleasure. I think 147 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 1: you're somewhere in the middle. The good news is the 148 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 1: twenties some things I talked to today, they're like putting 149 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: their hand up. They really they're more on track and 150 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: have the language and the sex pause to framework for 151 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: having the kind of sex they want. What's really interesting, 152 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 1: So millennials are having less sex in any generation and 153 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 1: recorded history, and there are a lot of reasons for that, right, 154 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: There's a lot of reasons, some of them good, some 155 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,960 Speaker 1: of them not so good. The good that I hold onto, 156 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 1: I think they're having less sex because they're demanding better sex. Wow, 157 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:28,200 Speaker 1: what is better sex? Pleasure focused instead of I'm going 158 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: to put on a performance for you if I'm a woman, 159 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,320 Speaker 1: or I'm going to put my needs last and you 160 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,720 Speaker 1: go first, whatever position you want to do, whatever makes 161 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 1: you happy, right, Like, that's that's the old way of 162 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 1: doing things. And you're probably a millennial, or are you? Yeah? 163 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 1: I am, like I'm where do I? I mean, I'm 164 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:51,480 Speaker 1: a midway millennial. Yeah, so not the geriatric not the 165 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:57,160 Speaker 1: geriatric millennial. I just love that term. Yeah, so um yeah, 166 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,880 Speaker 1: so they're really there. So they're learning sex is not 167 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 1: penis and vagina, sex is so much more than that, 168 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 1: and they're learning to really ask themselves what do I like? 169 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: And how am I going to communicate that to my partner? Yeah? 170 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 1: And and isn't it interesting how revolutionary that is? Because, 171 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 1: especially speaking to myself as a millennial, I came up 172 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: in a time and I know every generation of people 173 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,200 Speaker 1: is the most modern that's been you know, thus far. 174 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,439 Speaker 1: So everyone does feel like, you know, our generation is 175 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: the one that you know broke barriers and you did 176 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 1: until they became outdated. Um, but in my younger life, 177 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: you know, the it was believed that we were in 178 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 1: an age of kind of sexual empowerment for women but 179 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 1: it took me a long time to understand that that 180 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 1: was still through the male gaze. So even though you know, 181 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: in my much much younger life, I remember as a 182 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 1: child looking at the adult programming and there was Melrose Place, 183 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: or there was like nine O two one no, or 184 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: there even Ali mcbeil. There was this kind of sexiness, 185 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 1: this woman who knew she could ask for sex and 186 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: have sex. But then in all the ways that it 187 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 1: was shown, it was still about their pleasure or earning love, 188 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 1: winning love. Like you look back on episodes of Sex 189 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: in the City, it is so cringe e oh my god, 190 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: the toxicity, the code dependence, like it's mind blowing. But 191 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 1: for us, that's like, oh that that is modern womanhood, 192 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 1: you know, and wow even yeah saying that out loud 193 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: and then understanding how that is still positioned in the 194 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:43,000 Speaker 1: male gaze because it was still about masculine pleasure, um, 195 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 1: and how it was also kind of manipulative and gaslighting, 196 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 1: like another way to get us to keep performing for 197 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:54,559 Speaker 1: the mail. But let us think that it's for us. Yeah, 198 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:58,200 Speaker 1: I think we're finally getting there. Um. It's not perfect 199 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 1: by any means, there's still a long way to but 200 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:04,199 Speaker 1: I think we're getting there. Um, deb you said something 201 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,199 Speaker 1: before we sat down. So I want to get back 202 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 1: to the somatic psychology piece of this because I have 203 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 1: a feeling you and I have something in common, and 204 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: I'm just curious if you've if you identify this way. Um. 205 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: I came to my work in part because I'm a 206 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,240 Speaker 1: semantic sizer. But I didn't know what that was when 207 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: I started studying, and I just thought it was crazy 208 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 1: and broken. So a semanticizer means my body would go 209 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: before my head would catch up. So my body would 210 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,120 Speaker 1: be saying something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. Listen to me, 211 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 1: and my mind's like, I'm fine, I'm gonna be over here, overfunctioning, 212 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: getting ship done, and my body is going to fall apart. 213 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,960 Speaker 1: So I don't know if that was part of your experience, 214 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 1: to where your body speaks for you. Ye led by 215 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: my sacrel and manifested a lot of chronic pain in 216 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: my body for decades. Um, for the ways that I 217 00:14:55,760 --> 00:15:00,000 Speaker 1: wasn't able to listen. Yeah. Yeah, So your body will 218 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: tap and then it will knock, and then it will 219 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: push you over. Dr Hollywood is somatic psychotherapy? Mm hmm, 220 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: so so matic psychotherapy. Soma means the body, so it's 221 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 1: just a way of bridging that gap between the experience 222 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,200 Speaker 1: of our mind and the experience of our body. So 223 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 1: we're really working through this idea of integration where our 224 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: mind and body are on the same page. So integration 225 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: embodiment things that just make us feel like a whole being. 226 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 1: So we're not walking around in as a robot, we're 227 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: not walking around as an over functional. We're really walking 228 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 1: around in integrity. And I don't mean integrity from that 229 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,360 Speaker 1: moral judgment, but it's really like, oh, here I am 230 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: as a person and I can show up in an 231 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: authentic way. Somtic therapy was a massive shifter for me 232 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 1: for every reason you just said, you don't realize that 233 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: you're actually not in your body. And as someone that 234 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: is like I really lead with intellect. I was so 235 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:15,000 Speaker 1: used to thinking and strategizing, and cognitive therapy became such 236 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: a burden for me actually because it kept me kind 237 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,760 Speaker 1: of stuck in a rumination with a lot of language 238 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,120 Speaker 1: that I didn't feel I was actually transforming, malcomizing, or 239 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: freeing myself of um. So when I started somatic therapy, 240 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 1: it was, you know, it was terrifying, and I want 241 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: to I want to kind of speak to the fact 242 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: that feeling your body feel scary when you're not used 243 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: to letting your body be in charge um or when 244 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: you weren't given the opportunity to have those kind of 245 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,000 Speaker 1: connective pivotal moments where that comes online for you. One 246 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: of your one of your leading specialties is working with 247 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 1: survivors of sexual abuse, and that's something I haven't explored 248 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: on this show yet, and I would love to speak 249 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,119 Speaker 1: to you Dr Holly about what is different about the 250 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: healing journey for someone that has suffered sexual abuse. What 251 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 1: are some ways that those listening can begin to reconnect 252 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:16,480 Speaker 1: to themselves or to heal that part of it because 253 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,200 Speaker 1: it does something completely different to the human body. Isn't 254 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: that right? Is that correct? Um? Okay? So sexual trauma 255 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: unlike other trauma, Sexual trauma happens in the body. So 256 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: for me, I feel like it has to be healed 257 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,120 Speaker 1: through the body. So I didn't feel like I could 258 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: study sex unless I was studying the soma. And I 259 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,959 Speaker 1: didn't feel like I could study the soma the body 260 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: without studying sexuality because we've all for at least when 261 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: I was was coming up my sexual health. It wasn't 262 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,080 Speaker 1: even talked about, but it was over here. It wasn't 263 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: part of my overall health. Certainly now from the sex 264 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,520 Speaker 1: positive perspective, our sexual health is part of our overall health. 265 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,360 Speaker 1: And if we're going to heal, if we're gonna feel better, 266 00:17:58,359 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: if we're going to show up in a way that 267 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,959 Speaker 1: feels good, we've got to tend to our sexuality and 268 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,399 Speaker 1: we can't just look at the trauma. So um, I 269 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: got my first license in California, and there you need 270 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:13,200 Speaker 1: to do three thousand hours of internship, and I did 271 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,880 Speaker 1: mind at a rape crisis center. But I quickly learned 272 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: I was taught very well how to treat trauma. I 273 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: didn't know how to treat what comes next. So I 274 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 1: would sit down with these lovely survivors and we work 275 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: through the trauma and we process it and they were 276 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 1: feeling better, but they had no idea how to have 277 00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: a healthy sexual sexual relationship with themselves or with a partner, 278 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,119 Speaker 1: or to be in solid relationships. So that's led to 279 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,720 Speaker 1: my dissertation, the Recovery of Sexual Health after Sexual Assault, 280 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 1: and then to Reclaiming Pleasure of the book, because that's 281 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,160 Speaker 1: the missing piece. We're just not talking about it enough. 282 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 1: Healing the trauma isn't isn't the endgame there? You know something? 283 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 1: Um some word usages that I know those listening may 284 00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: be familiar with is the terminology they use sometimes for 285 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 1: people who have survived sexual abuse, is that what happens 286 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,360 Speaker 1: inside is that you split and part of you, say, 287 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 1: is kind of part of you leaves? What does that mean? 288 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 1: And how does that play into one's ability to be 289 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: with their pleasure even after having an abuse? Mm hmm. 290 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: So we are Our body is very smart. Our mind 291 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,360 Speaker 1: is very smart. So for a lot of people who 292 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: who have experienced sexual trauma or sexual abuse, they're not 293 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,720 Speaker 1: going to remember because the mind is like, yeah, that 294 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,640 Speaker 1: was too much for me. I'm not going to remember that. 295 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,960 Speaker 1: I can't tell you how many people have sat down 296 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,960 Speaker 1: with me and said, I've had a ship memory. I 297 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 1: can't remember anything I said. You don't have a ship memory. 298 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: You have anxiety, right, So anxiety overrides cognition. If we're anxious, 299 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: we can't think. So that split that you're talking about, 300 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: our mind has to go one way, our body has 301 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,960 Speaker 1: to turn off in certain ways because we were touched 302 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,879 Speaker 1: in a way that was not consensual, Therefore it couldn't 303 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,959 Speaker 1: have been pleasurable. If we look at that sex positive framework, 304 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,240 Speaker 1: all sex as good sex as long as it's consensual 305 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 1: and pleasurable. In any kind of trauma, those two boxes 306 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: aren't checked. It was definitely not consensual, and it's certainly 307 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:21,479 Speaker 1: it wasn't pleasurable. So we split off. Wow wow, And 308 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: if you are not able to come back into yourself 309 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:32,760 Speaker 1: or to kind of reconnect those two selves, what happens. 310 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,560 Speaker 1: So the two mindsets I see most are victim and survivor. 311 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,399 Speaker 1: So you will not hear me talk about someone who 312 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: has experienced sexual trauma as a victim. That's a word 313 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 1: that feels pathologizing to me, and it kind of keeps 314 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 1: us in this framework of like, oh, I was a victim. 315 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 1: I was a victim. Something horrible happened to you. But 316 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: I like the word survivor. We just we use that 317 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: in mental health settings and sexual health settings just because 318 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: it kind of focuses on the potential, on the possibility 319 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:03,560 Speaker 1: of moving into that idea of thriving. So the victim 320 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 1: is going to feel very stuck um he or she 321 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:10,000 Speaker 1: would feel numb or cut off or very anxious. Now 322 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: a survivor is going to feel these things too. But 323 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: there's a glimmer of hope, Right, there's the glimmer of possibility, 324 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: of potential of I'm not broken, I'm not broken. Something 325 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:25,879 Speaker 1: bad happened to me, I am not I am not broken. Yeah. 326 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: When someone has experienced something like that, and I know 327 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,119 Speaker 1: you explore this in your book, A Sex Positive Guide 328 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,879 Speaker 1: From Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life, 329 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 1: how how does that? How can one ease themselves into 330 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 1: that new journey of knowing they may have survived something 331 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,120 Speaker 1: reckoning with what that feels like to have an experience 332 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 1: that did not receive your consent, but still know you 333 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,200 Speaker 1: want to be able to experience sexual pleasure. You want 334 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: to be able to have orgasms at will, um for 335 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,240 Speaker 1: your personal benefit. That you want to be in touch 336 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:13,639 Speaker 1: with your body and not have to think about someone 337 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: that has mistreated your body while doing that. Yeah. So 338 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 1: the first thing I'm wanting to say is sexual trauma 339 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 1: doesn't inform our sexuality. It misinforms it. It doesn't orient us, 340 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:31,760 Speaker 1: it disorients us. So typically survivors will come in and 341 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 1: there will be some sexual function issues or some fantasies 342 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,240 Speaker 1: that don't feel good in their body right, that don't 343 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,399 Speaker 1: feel in that place of integrity where their mind and 344 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 1: body are on the same page. So what we're really 345 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,120 Speaker 1: doing if we start at the beginning, First, there's okay, 346 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: so there's awareness, I have awareness that that something's not right. 347 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,000 Speaker 1: I have awareness that I don't feel good. Then there's 348 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,880 Speaker 1: the understanding piece, and that's where therapy or working where 349 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: the coach comes in, really understanding what happened to you, 350 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: and then there's the behavior change. So when we talk 351 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:07,239 Speaker 1: about that understanding, really understanding is this sexual abuse? Was 352 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:11,800 Speaker 1: this rape? Was the sexual assault? Like? What happened to me? 353 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: And how do I know? I didn't consent? And back 354 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 1: to that Somata sizer piece, our body is usually letting 355 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,119 Speaker 1: us know I didn't consent because I have chronic pain, 356 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 1: or I have anxiety, I have um pelvic pain, I 357 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 1: have depression, I have toxic relationships, I have angers, or 358 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 1: our body is speaking for us. So we're learning what 359 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: happened to us, and then we have to my language 360 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 1: for it. We have to let ourselves off the hook 361 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:44,240 Speaker 1: because in most sexual traumas, it's not violent, it's violating right, 362 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,320 Speaker 1: most sexual traumas a person is not going to walk 363 00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:51,120 Speaker 1: away with a bruise or a cut or something horrific 364 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 1: that happened, but it will feel inherently violating, so letting 365 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,960 Speaker 1: ourselves off the hook. I did not consent to that. 366 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:04,760 Speaker 1: I don't need a bruise to prove that it was enough. Wow. Wow, Wow, 367 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,520 Speaker 1: that piece right there. I'd love to explore to Dr Holly. 368 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 1: You know, in the last five years, as we all 369 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,760 Speaker 1: societally have been witnessing and unpacking what we now collectively 370 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:23,680 Speaker 1: call like the Me Too movement, UM, we've really been exploring, 371 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:29,879 Speaker 1: you know, what what constitutes as predatory behavior, what constitutes 372 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:34,160 Speaker 1: as an assault or as harassment. Um. And we're still 373 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 1: really really just barely kind of weaving through that now, um, 374 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,919 Speaker 1: even five years in because again first time in human history, 375 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,480 Speaker 1: it takes a little while. But you know what I'm 376 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 1: curious about, as women who as any beans that may 377 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 1: be listening to this episode, as they're starting to understand 378 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 1: ways that they relate to their sexual bodies and their sexuality, 379 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 1: their their pleasure, their sexual experiences. You know something I've 380 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 1: given some thought too, and I would just love your 381 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,679 Speaker 1: thoughts on this is even if you do not identify 382 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 1: as having experience a sexual abuse or sexual trauma because 383 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,919 Speaker 1: we so often connect to our culturally created selves. That 384 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: is just going with societal flow. I think that there 385 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,760 Speaker 1: are really generations of women right now who have an 386 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,879 Speaker 1: against nous of their sexuality because of experiences that maybe 387 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,439 Speaker 1: don't constitute right now definably as a rape or as 388 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:42,280 Speaker 1: an assault. But you didn't really want to do but 389 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,960 Speaker 1: you kind of went along with it, or you felt 390 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 1: like you had taken things too far, you felt pressured, 391 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:50,960 Speaker 1: or you just felt like that's what you were supposed 392 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: to do. How how do people begin to heal from 393 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:59,040 Speaker 1: experiences like that in their sexual history? Um, that may 394 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:04,680 Speaker 1: not be in the same kind of category as an assault. Yeah, 395 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: that's such a good question. So we all know the 396 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,360 Speaker 1: three trauma responses most people have heard, fight, flight, and freeze. 397 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: The one that I focus on most in my work 398 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: is number four. That's fawn, so so freeze and fawn. 399 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:25,440 Speaker 1: Fawn is going along to get along, Fawn is appeasing, 400 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 1: Fawn is not causing a scene. Fawn is keeping my 401 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 1: mouth shut, Fawn is smiling when I want to cry. 402 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:37,280 Speaker 1: And so many, particularly female bodied people were taught be nice, 403 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 1: look pretty, and be nice. So that of course translates 404 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,120 Speaker 1: to when we're having sexual interactions, especially those first sexual interactions, 405 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: and we do we just we defer to our partner, 406 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 1: we my words were, or we throw ourselves under the 407 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,639 Speaker 1: bus because that's what we've been taught to do. But 408 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,239 Speaker 1: that constant throwing ourselves under the bus, that will add up, 409 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: and it will add up as a psychological issue, a 410 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:09,600 Speaker 1: relational issue, a somatic issue, or a sexual issue. M 411 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 1: m m. How how can one begin to reclaim their body? 412 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,080 Speaker 1: What is the way to begin exploring um opening yourself 413 00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,359 Speaker 1: in that way? This is the fun part, right, This 414 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 1: is this is the part I love. So I work 415 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 1: with a lot of my clients on discovering their sexual template. 416 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 1: There are so many people who have never taken time 417 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:34,120 Speaker 1: to really figure out what they like, what turns them on, 418 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:39,720 Speaker 1: what constitutes is sex worth wanting in their lives? Yeah, 419 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 1: it's like, how do we know? And I know, Sex 420 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 1: in the City gave us some words, and it gave 421 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:47,440 Speaker 1: us the rabbit vibrator, and it gave us in some 422 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 1: ways right, but it was still, as you pointed out, 423 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:55,199 Speaker 1: very male focused, very everyone is you know, looks this 424 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,639 Speaker 1: way and behaves this way. So the sexual template when 425 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,960 Speaker 1: I'm looking at that with but I break it down 426 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,360 Speaker 1: into desire and arousal. So desire is the psychological process 427 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 1: of wanting. An arousal is a physiological process of wanting. 428 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 1: So desire is I want, I have, you know, desire 429 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:19,680 Speaker 1: for sex? I want to want. An arousal is really that? Um, 430 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,840 Speaker 1: exactly what it sounds like? I've turned on? And how 431 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,560 Speaker 1: do we know this? So for a lot of people, 432 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,080 Speaker 1: starting with the sex, that's too much. So I would 433 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,480 Speaker 1: take desire and arousal out into the world and just 434 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,639 Speaker 1: have them like, what do you what do you want? 435 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 1: What brings you pleasure? Um? For me, I'm a mom 436 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,400 Speaker 1: of two fairly young boys. What brings me pleasure these 437 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,959 Speaker 1: days is some time alone. Maybe I'm sitting at a 438 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 1: beautiful bar with a dirty martini in my hand. Maybe 439 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: I'm going for a walk by myself. You know something 440 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 1: that's not good for me but just feels good. That's 441 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,720 Speaker 1: a definition or a description of pleasure. I really want 442 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: to highlight. So many of us are self care focus, 443 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,800 Speaker 1: but all that feels like this is good for me pleasure. 444 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,000 Speaker 1: Just tell me what feels good? Tell me what feels good. 445 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,680 Speaker 1: I love that. What about someone listening right now that 446 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:16,560 Speaker 1: says I wouldn't even know what I'd consider to be pleasure. 447 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 1: I wouldn't even know how to say out loud for 448 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:23,959 Speaker 1: myself or another that feels pleasurable to me. M hm. 449 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:28,040 Speaker 1: So you start with a self pleasure protocol. So if 450 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:32,480 Speaker 1: we're talking about sexuality, so if you bring it back 451 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: into the bedroom, this really starts with ten minutes, two 452 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,040 Speaker 1: or three times a week of you in bed or 453 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,520 Speaker 1: on your couch or in the bath, touching yourself. And 454 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: at first it starts non genitally, so you just learn 455 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,720 Speaker 1: what kind of touch you want. Do you like little tickles? 456 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:52,480 Speaker 1: Do you like massage? Touch is your neck and orogenous zone? 457 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: Do you like your hair stroked? And then every week, 458 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,040 Speaker 1: as I'm walking my clients through this, then we would 459 00:29:58,080 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 1: add in the next week we do would add in breast, 460 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,240 Speaker 1: and the next week we would add and but involva, 461 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: and then next week we mightn't add in the clip, 462 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 1: and then penetration from there, and then exploring sexual fantasies 463 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: and Debbie, so many women especially say I don't fantasize. 464 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:18,960 Speaker 1: There's nothing, There's nothing I fantasize about everybody fantasized. So 465 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,360 Speaker 1: I might change that word to what you daydream a route? Well, 466 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: I dreamed that my partner would tell me I look beautiful, 467 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,120 Speaker 1: and and he or she would plan a date, a 468 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 1: romantic date. I dream about fill in the plank. So 469 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 1: we start there and then we build the sexual fantasy 470 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: from that. I I'm really grateful for the way that 471 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: you just described sexual fantasy because that is something that 472 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:46,280 Speaker 1: I think holds a lot of women back, because again, 473 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:50,040 Speaker 1: the idea of sexual fantasy was so often explained to 474 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: us through the male gaze. So you might think that 475 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 1: a sexual fantasy has to be role playing, or it 476 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: has to be domination of some kind, or and it's like, well, 477 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: maybe my fantasy is to be deeply loved and held 478 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: and have sweet nothings whispered in my ear during sex. Yes, yes, yes, 479 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:16,280 Speaker 1: thank you for saying that. In this book. What are 480 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:21,200 Speaker 1: some of the ways UM you begin to walk all 481 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:27,800 Speaker 1: beings through accessing themselves and enhancing their relationship to pleasure 482 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:32,360 Speaker 1: and to their own healing. Mhmm. So in my dissertation, 483 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:36,520 Speaker 1: when I was looking at this UM years ago, I 484 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 1: discovered three parameters that really have set the stage for 485 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:43,040 Speaker 1: for reclaiming pleasure. The first thing we need to look 486 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: at is control. So there's maintaining control and there's relinquishing control. 487 00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: And and a lot of survivors have that idea of 488 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,280 Speaker 1: maintaining control on lockdown. Their life is very rigid, their 489 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,720 Speaker 1: over function ers, they know what's going to happen. They 490 00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:01,520 Speaker 1: really like everything in its place. But to access pleasure, 491 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,840 Speaker 1: we have to relinquish control. So there's a lot of 492 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 1: practice that goes into letting myself be seeing myself as 493 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,240 Speaker 1: a human being, not a human doing that, I don't 494 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,080 Speaker 1: have to please everyone that I can use my voice 495 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:18,200 Speaker 1: and if people, even people disagree with me, I can 496 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 1: stick with it. I can stick with myself and not 497 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:25,240 Speaker 1: throw myself under the bus. Mm hmm. The second pieces pleasure, 498 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:29,240 Speaker 1: So that includes the sexual template, the self pleasure protocol, 499 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:34,240 Speaker 1: This idea of arrows e r O s or eroticism, 500 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: which can be sexual, but really arrows translates to vitality, 501 00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 1: life force, the vacity co creation. It's the thing that 502 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: makes us feel alive. And then the third is connection 503 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 1: and there we're looking at again. Um So, bringing that 504 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,640 Speaker 1: self pleasure protocol to a couple or two multiple partners 505 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 1: and helping them communicate in a way where they can 506 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 1: show up as their sexual selves. Like we were saying earlier, 507 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 1: is sex penis and vagina to sex include penetration at all? 508 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,040 Speaker 1: Do I never want to do oral again? Do I 509 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:12,240 Speaker 1: hate being digitally penetrated? All of these things are an option. 510 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: Sex doesn't have to look like it's shown in the media. 511 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,200 Speaker 1: So I just I love it when people come to, Oh, 512 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,600 Speaker 1: I don't ever have to do that again. No, you 513 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: never have to do that again. If that's off the 514 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:31,880 Speaker 1: table for you, that's off the table for those listening 515 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:36,800 Speaker 1: UM that maybe on their own healing journey through any 516 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:40,720 Speaker 1: of the many things that this very challenging earth likes 517 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 1: to throw our away. UM who are in partnership but 518 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,640 Speaker 1: maybe want to reclaim or completely reprogram the way they 519 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:54,440 Speaker 1: experience sex or intimacy sensuality with their partner and their relationship. 520 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: How can people who are already in partnership even you know, 521 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,360 Speaker 1: imagine someone that has been doing the same thing sexually 522 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:05,040 Speaker 1: with their partner for twenty years. How do you begin 523 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 1: to change that dynamic if you feel like there's room 524 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 1: to expand, Yeah, I sat down with that couple this morning. 525 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,480 Speaker 1: So I'm so glad that you said that it is. 526 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 1: It is never too late. And I want to say 527 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,799 Speaker 1: on the sexual trauma piece and healing from that, UM, 528 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:24,480 Speaker 1: most survivors show up in my office or on Zoom 529 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,560 Speaker 1: about ten years, ten to fifteen years after the trauma 530 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,759 Speaker 1: because they've just been like, Oh, that wasn't a big deal. 531 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,319 Speaker 1: I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to be 532 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,759 Speaker 1: fine and stick it in the back of my head 533 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: so it takes. It's not like the sexual trauma happens 534 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,440 Speaker 1: and they come running. It's not we bury it. We 535 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: try to get through it. I have a gentleman who 536 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:47,120 Speaker 1: I'm seeing him fifty years host his sexual abuse. So 537 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 1: he was abused as at ten, eleven, twelve year old 538 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,959 Speaker 1: and now he's in his sixties and he is doing 539 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,920 Speaker 1: the work and he wants a healthy relationship and he 540 00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:02,960 Speaker 1: deserves it. Wow wow wow wow wow. That's so powerful. 541 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:09,919 Speaker 1: That's so powerful. So would you recommend to seek outside, 542 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: to seek professional help or to to be connected to 543 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 1: UM someone in this type of work to begin that 544 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:21,640 Speaker 1: kind of repatterning within the relationship. I would. I would, 545 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,520 Speaker 1: And I just want to say, so, there's so many 546 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:28,279 Speaker 1: different kinds of somatic therapy out There are so many 547 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:31,760 Speaker 1: different kinds of talk therapy, so really do some research 548 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:34,719 Speaker 1: and figure out what's going to work for you. My 549 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:38,920 Speaker 1: one disclaimer or offer is if you're really talking about 550 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:42,719 Speaker 1: delicate sexual topics, especially if you have a kink or 551 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:46,759 Speaker 1: fantasy that you've felt shame around, I would really want 552 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:49,600 Speaker 1: you to take that to a sex positive therapist who 553 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:52,640 Speaker 1: is probably going to be a sex therapist, just because, 554 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:55,239 Speaker 1: I mean, w wouldn't believe just the training as a 555 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,480 Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist we get like eight or sixteen 556 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,360 Speaker 1: hours of human sexuality, which isn't enough. So this is 557 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,080 Speaker 1: me saying, if you've got a specific sexual issue, please 558 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 1: go to a sex positive therapist who is probably going 559 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:12,640 Speaker 1: to be a sex therapist. Thank you for saying that. 560 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,480 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that. Especially 561 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:18,239 Speaker 1: with this work, I think that that is so important 562 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,960 Speaker 1: because we are in this new age of wellness and 563 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 1: well being, which means all kinds of facilitators are there, 564 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,640 Speaker 1: but it is it's a spectrum. You know, as with 565 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:31,040 Speaker 1: every other field, and I've said this on the show before, 566 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,800 Speaker 1: as with every field in existence, you have your excellent 567 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:40,040 Speaker 1: and expert you have your good, your solid, your mediocre, 568 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,879 Speaker 1: and then sometimes bad. You know you have there could 569 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 1: be bad experiences. So making sure that people are that 570 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:53,000 Speaker 1: you're not just vetting, but that there is an expertise present, 571 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,839 Speaker 1: that there was protocol, that there was a certain kind 572 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:59,960 Speaker 1: of accountability necessary to do this work. I think if 573 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,719 Speaker 1: so important, especially when we come into this more sexual 574 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 1: side where we're more vulnerable and more exposed in the 575 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:11,040 Speaker 1: way that we get help. Beautifully Beautifully said, it's such 576 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,640 Speaker 1: a vulnerable space. And if someone comes in with sexual 577 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:16,320 Speaker 1: shame and shares a secret that they've been carrying for 578 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:20,160 Speaker 1: forty years and the therapist is like, oh my gosh, 579 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:24,360 Speaker 1: that's awful. I mean, how horrible would that feel for 580 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,160 Speaker 1: the person. So you just want to make you're sure 581 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:29,680 Speaker 1: you're sitting with someone who can hold that help you 582 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:34,360 Speaker 1: understand it and and normalize your experience again that something 583 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 1: bad happened to you, that you're not broken. But I 584 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,200 Speaker 1: want to go back to your question about the couple 585 00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:41,840 Speaker 1: that's been together for twenty years and they're having sex 586 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,239 Speaker 1: the same way. Um, so again I would put them 587 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,719 Speaker 1: on a protocol that strips sex down. You're I don't 588 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:51,520 Speaker 1: know if you're gonna like that. I say this, A 589 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,680 Speaker 1: lot of people don't like when I say I take 590 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:57,280 Speaker 1: sex off the table. I literally take whatever they've been doing, 591 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,920 Speaker 1: penis and vagina, penis and anus, whatever they've been doing, 592 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,279 Speaker 1: I take it off the table, and we start from 593 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:08,120 Speaker 1: the ground up. We really start with sensuality and eroticism 594 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,320 Speaker 1: and creating a sexy space and not having this be 595 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,520 Speaker 1: a sure um. So many women come in and say, 596 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:17,120 Speaker 1: I just I have sex with my partner to keep 597 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 1: him happy. I don't want to lose him, but I 598 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,520 Speaker 1: could care less about it. That's a woman who I 599 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:23,640 Speaker 1: know is shut down, and we really need to like 600 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,080 Speaker 1: turn that tap back on again. Yeah, and for those, 601 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:31,000 Speaker 1: would you recommend building a self pleasure practice first before 602 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:36,279 Speaker 1: you try to be sexually you know, involved with a partner. Absolutely, 603 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,520 Speaker 1: and again start non genitally, because for a lot of people, 604 00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:42,200 Speaker 1: let's say a woman who hasn't looked at her vulva 605 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:46,720 Speaker 1: or touched herself in ten, fifteen, twenty years, me saying okay, 606 00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,799 Speaker 1: we're going to do this stimulation practice, she's I'm going 607 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,359 Speaker 1: to lose her. So I'm gonna say what kind of 608 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:55,680 Speaker 1: touch feels good? What kind of fabrics on your body. 609 00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:57,839 Speaker 1: Would you like to eat, would you like to drink? 610 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,320 Speaker 1: Would you like to listen to? What do your jets 611 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:02,920 Speaker 1: feel like? What about a bath or a shower? Like, 612 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,480 Speaker 1: there's all of these things that we just we kind 613 00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:07,960 Speaker 1: of moved through the world and well, this is always 614 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:09,759 Speaker 1: what I've done, so this is what I'll keep doing, 615 00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:14,600 Speaker 1: and that that ceases to work. Yeah, And most people 616 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:18,120 Speaker 1: have no idea how much is really on that buffet, 617 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,600 Speaker 1: you know. I think a lot of people are two 618 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,200 Speaker 1: to three things. You keep going with those things for 619 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,600 Speaker 1: your whole life, and it's like, oh no, there are 620 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:32,000 Speaker 1: rooms and rooms of things that are yes. Yes, And 621 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:38,000 Speaker 1: especially when we talk start talking about fantasy tantra um. 622 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 1: One of the hardest sexual positions that I recommends eye gazing. 623 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:47,879 Speaker 1: People lose their damn minds. Yeah, it's not hanging from 624 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:53,919 Speaker 1: the chandeliers, it's not backward wheelbarrow hanging towards us. It's 625 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,760 Speaker 1: eye gazing. It's holding your intimate partner's gaze for thirty 626 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:00,920 Speaker 1: seconds to a minute. It is the balls come down, 627 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:08,560 Speaker 1: floodgates open. Yeah, m hmmmm. The power of looking someone 628 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:12,240 Speaker 1: in their eyes, the power of looking yourself in your eyes, 629 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,360 Speaker 1: you know, it's just like wow, open door to intimacy 630 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:21,000 Speaker 1: in such such expansive ways. I mean, Debbie, for you, 631 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,520 Speaker 1: and thank you for saying about yourself too, because if 632 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:25,520 Speaker 1: you don't have a partner, I recommend doing this with 633 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:30,200 Speaker 1: a mirror. Um. But coming through your chronic pain, coming 634 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: through your journey, I have a feeling you look at 635 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:35,080 Speaker 1: yourself differently now than you did ten years ago, and 636 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:39,200 Speaker 1: you can appreciate and you don't have to hide. And yeah, 637 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:43,120 Speaker 1: that's what I want from my clients. Yeah, so so, 638 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:47,040 Speaker 1: so so so much differently. And there. I'm not sure 639 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,040 Speaker 1: if you've seen this film, but I would love to 640 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:52,080 Speaker 1: bring it forward. A movie was just released on Hulu 641 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:54,480 Speaker 1: that I found myself watching called good Luck to You 642 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: Leo grand and it Have you heard of this bolm. 643 00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,680 Speaker 1: I've heard it with Emma Thompson right yes, in person, 644 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:06,400 Speaker 1: and I found it. I found it really exceptional. Um 645 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:10,160 Speaker 1: for a few reasons. I was familiar with the process. Um. 646 00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:17,000 Speaker 1: I having that dynamic on film I thought was so incredible. 647 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,640 Speaker 1: And it's you know, h generations, the younger man. It's 648 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:25,080 Speaker 1: a woman who I believe she's probably in the boomer generation, 649 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,759 Speaker 1: but it was a woman in her sixties, who was 650 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:32,520 Speaker 1: saying out loud for the first time that she had 651 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,759 Speaker 1: never experienced an orgasm, that she had sex with her 652 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:41,680 Speaker 1: husband for thirty years, one way, for an exact amount 653 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:46,960 Speaker 1: of seven minutes, for thirty years, and she had absolutely 654 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 1: never tried anything else and had never self pleasured ever 655 00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 1: in her life in her sixties, and that was commonplace 656 00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,400 Speaker 1: for generations of women for hundreds of years, thousands of years. 657 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:06,319 Speaker 1: So this is revolutionary work. You know, you are freeing 658 00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:10,640 Speaker 1: your body, and the film kind of really powerfully shows 659 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:18,120 Speaker 1: the process of being kind of um, just like I'm 660 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,640 Speaker 1: balling myself up. Don't look at me. I'm so ashamed 661 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:22,799 Speaker 1: and I don't know what this thing is and ill 662 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,120 Speaker 1: my body. And and then by the end of it, 663 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:29,520 Speaker 1: she just is looking at herself with this self satisfied, 664 00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:34,640 Speaker 1: reverent gaze, with a light smile across her lips. That's 665 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:40,080 Speaker 1: just for her. And it was just so breathtaking, and 666 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:44,120 Speaker 1: that is what I wish for every being. Absolutely. Oh, 667 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:45,719 Speaker 1: I'm going to have to watch it now because I 668 00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:48,640 Speaker 1: read about it a few weeks ago and now I 669 00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:51,480 Speaker 1: need to go. I need to go see it. So funny. 670 00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:54,759 Speaker 1: I have a client who was in her sex, just 671 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,200 Speaker 1: turned seventy and has a partner in his late thirties. 672 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:05,880 Speaker 1: Things are changing, Things are shamed, yes, yes, um, and 673 00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:08,480 Speaker 1: and so many women who have never had an orgasm, 674 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:12,000 Speaker 1: or if they did when they were little. So a 675 00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:16,520 Speaker 1: lot of young children will find their genitals and have 676 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,400 Speaker 1: an orgasm, but then they're shamed about it by their parents. 677 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:22,400 Speaker 1: So then that gets shut down. So it doesn't have 678 00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:24,960 Speaker 1: to be a capital T sexual trauma. It can just 679 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:29,120 Speaker 1: be a little bit of shame, of familial shame, of 680 00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:32,640 Speaker 1: religious shame of oh, don't do that in public, or 681 00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:35,800 Speaker 1: don't do that, that's that's dirty. And I know most 682 00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,640 Speaker 1: parents are are well meaning, but if that's what they heard, 683 00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:42,680 Speaker 1: that's sometimes what they passed down. Yeah. Absolutely, so much 684 00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:47,440 Speaker 1: unconscious behavior and ways of being people just are not 685 00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:51,480 Speaker 1: able to get present enough. I think to um unload 686 00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:53,960 Speaker 1: some of that, to upgrade some of the thoughts before 687 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,600 Speaker 1: we just share them with the next generation. And that's 688 00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:01,879 Speaker 1: such a huge, huge piece, such a huge piece. Thank 689 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,680 Speaker 1: you for saying that, because that is equally can shut 690 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:10,080 Speaker 1: us down so fully from experiencing our own bodies. Um, 691 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,560 Speaker 1: even if it's something you don't remember, just one time 692 00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,439 Speaker 1: you touched yourself and your parents said, oh, hey, stop that, 693 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,960 Speaker 1: what are you doing. Don't do that, you know, and 694 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:21,799 Speaker 1: and then that's it for you. Now you're disconnected from 695 00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:26,520 Speaker 1: your body. Yeah. Or women that come in um and 696 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,200 Speaker 1: learn to masturbate by like humping a pillow or squeezing 697 00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:32,200 Speaker 1: their legs together, and they then they have no other 698 00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:36,120 Speaker 1: access to orgasm with a partner or any different way. 699 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:38,800 Speaker 1: So we just again we go back to the beginning 700 00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:42,160 Speaker 1: and break it down step by step. Okay, we've got 701 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:45,880 Speaker 1: a really deep neural pathway grooved with humping a pillow 702 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,399 Speaker 1: or squeezing your legs together, but you want to try 703 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:51,560 Speaker 1: it this way. So it's just weeks long process of 704 00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:54,200 Speaker 1: let's try this, then let's try this, then let's try this, 705 00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,800 Speaker 1: just so you have that full range of experience. How amazing, 706 00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:02,240 Speaker 1: And just for everyone listening me know that that there 707 00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:06,520 Speaker 1: is most likely more ease to this process than you're 708 00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:10,120 Speaker 1: even imagining right now. If you get started. This is 709 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:15,840 Speaker 1: not arduous and and and shameful. It is like a 710 00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:21,200 Speaker 1: couple of times then you said, oh I remember her. Okay, Okay, 711 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:25,319 Speaker 1: that is amazing, doctor Holly. I am so grateful for you. 712 00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:28,200 Speaker 1: I am so grateful for your work. Your book is 713 00:45:28,239 --> 00:45:32,879 Speaker 1: available now. Everyone, do yourself the biggest, biggest favor um 714 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,960 Speaker 1: and go check it out. How can everyone connect with 715 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:40,520 Speaker 1: you so um on social media at at doctor Holly 716 00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,840 Speaker 1: Richmond so at d R h O L L y 717 00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:46,279 Speaker 1: R I C H M O n D and my 718 00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:55,000 Speaker 1: website is Dr Holly Richmond dot com. Reclaiming your Pleasure, 719 00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:59,279 Speaker 1: Reclaiming your Pleasure. I want everyone today as part of 720 00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:02,960 Speaker 1: your soul work for this episode, sit down with the journal, 721 00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,240 Speaker 1: do a little bit of breath work softly in your body, 722 00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:10,759 Speaker 1: somewhere quiet, somewhere alone, somewhere beautiful, Try to be with 723 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:14,759 Speaker 1: nature if you can, and write down you know, what 724 00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:18,759 Speaker 1: does pleasure feel like to me? How can I reclaim 725 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:21,799 Speaker 1: my pleasure? What can I do that's just for me 726 00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:25,480 Speaker 1: this week to explore that and then have some fun. 727 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,440 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Dr Holly and not must stay, 728 00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:33,520 Speaker 1: I must stay. Thank you Deny so amazing. Once again, 729 00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:37,400 Speaker 1: please connect with Dr Holly Richmond on i G. Please 730 00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:40,560 Speaker 1: check out her latest book, A Sex Positive Guide from 731 00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:44,799 Speaker 1: Moving Past Sexual Trauma Living a passionate life. That's right. 732 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:48,760 Speaker 1: Reclaiming Pleasure is the book, and check out a past 733 00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:52,480 Speaker 1: episode that I did where I really explore some practices 734 00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:56,359 Speaker 1: of sex apology. That has been an incredibly powerful part 735 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,480 Speaker 1: of my journey. Um and I am so passionate about 736 00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:04,200 Speaker 1: all beings being able to find this work too. So 737 00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:07,240 Speaker 1: in a previous episode that I did with Simone Farshey, 738 00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:09,920 Speaker 1: who is a sexologist, you can check out that episode 739 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:15,239 Speaker 1: from season two. It's called sexual Healen big, big, big, big, big, 740 00:47:15,239 --> 00:47:17,760 Speaker 1: big thank you to Dr Holly Richmond. Take a moment, 741 00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:21,520 Speaker 1: share this episode with a friend that you know needs it, 742 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:27,640 Speaker 1: and even consider sharing this episode with a parent. Yeah, 743 00:47:28,120 --> 00:47:31,200 Speaker 1: that's relevant for someone listening. I can feel it. Alright, 744 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:35,200 Speaker 1: Big love everyone, I will check you out next week. Peace. 745 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:46,560 Speaker 1: Hey find me on social Let's connect at Debbie Brown. 746 00:47:46,719 --> 00:47:49,880 Speaker 1: That's Twitter and Instagram, or go to my website Debbie 747 00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:53,040 Speaker 1: Brown dot com. And if you're listening to the show 748 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:58,920 Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, please please please don't forget to rate, review, 749 00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:04,040 Speaker 1: and subscribe and send this episode to a friend. Dropping 750 00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:06,319 Speaker 1: Jams is the production of I Heart Radio and The 751 00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:09,520 Speaker 1: Black Effect Network. It's produced by Jack Pleas and me 752 00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:13,320 Speaker 1: Debbie Brown. For more podcasts from My heart Radio, visit 753 00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:16,840 Speaker 1: the I heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you 754 00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:18,240 Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows