Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, Hey besties.
Speaker 2: Today on the bright Side, so many families are starting
Speaker 2: a new school year and some of us could use
Speaker 2: a little boost after sending our kids off. Definitely not
Speaker 2: talking about myself here today. We're joined by the founder
Speaker 2: of the mother Company Life Coach, Abby Schiller. She's here
Speaker 2: to help us navigate that transition, offer a great way
Speaker 2: to talk to our kids about it, and the number
Speaker 2: one question you should ask yourself if you're feeling stuck.
Speaker 3: One of my favorite questions to ask kids at any
Speaker 3: age is what are all the ways you can solve this?
Speaker 4: Because we are raising problem.
Speaker 3: Solvers, Ultimately, we can't solve everything for them. They have
Speaker 3: to become independent and critical thinkers.
Speaker 2: It's Thursday, August twenty ninth. I'm Simone Boyce.
Speaker 1: I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from
Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to
Speaker 1: share women's stories, laugh, learn and brighten your day.
Speaker 2: Danielle, what do you remember about your first day at Wisconsin?
Speaker 5: Were you excited? Were you nervous?
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to throw up. Really, I
Speaker 1: didn't eat for like the first two weeks of college.
Speaker 1: I was so nervous. My mom came up, dropped me off,
Speaker 1: got my whole room, settled with me. She was so amazing,
Speaker 1: called it our room. It was not my room. She
Speaker 1: called it our room. She would call me and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: how's our room. But then she left and she drove
Speaker 1: back to Chicago. It's like a two and a half
Speaker 1: hour drive. And I called her that night crying and
Speaker 1: I said, can you please come back?
Speaker 5: And she did.
Speaker 1: She came back that weekend and stayed for the weekend,
Speaker 1: and then I was finally off.
Speaker 5: And then you felt like you could transition on your own.
Speaker 1: Yes, I feel like your experience was very different.
Speaker 2: I was so ready for the freedom. I was like bye,
Speaker 2: Mom and Dad. I honestly can't remember whether I was nervous.
Speaker 2: I'm sure I had some nerves, but I just remember
Speaker 2: wanting to make friends immediately. Yeah, I just I wanted
Speaker 2: to find a community. I wanted to find that sense
Speaker 2: of belonging because that's what I grew up hearing about college. Yes,
Speaker 2: you know, it was like this is where you find
Speaker 2: your people, the friends that you're going to be with
Speaker 2: for the rest of your life. So one of the
Speaker 2: first things that I did to try to make friends
Speaker 2: during the summer, because I think I arrived during summer school, okay,
Speaker 2: to kind of get settled in. I bought a slip
Speaker 2: and slide and I brought it to one of the
Speaker 2: parks on campus, and I started making friends that way,
Speaker 2: Like I made some friends that day.
Speaker 1: Hilarious. Are you in touch with any of your slip
Speaker 1: and slide friends?
Speaker 2: I'm not, okay, that's okay. They serve their purpose. I
Speaker 2: hope you're doing well, slip and slide friends.
Speaker 1: The idea, like the fact that you did that makes
Speaker 1: me giggle. I love that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, why not?
Speaker 1: So Simone, we're sitting here talking about college, but you
Speaker 1: actually recently sent your son to transitional kindergarten, which is
Speaker 1: such a big deal. It's so different experiencing going to
Speaker 1: school versus being a parent and sending your kids off
Speaker 1: to school. I know it was tough for you.
Speaker 5: It was so tough.
Speaker 2: I don't even I'm so mad that I have to
Speaker 2: talk about this because I'm probably gonna cry again. It's
Speaker 2: not even that i'm it's not even that I'm still sad.
Speaker 2: It's just I had this beautiful moment with my son, Logan,
Speaker 2: who is going to TK, which means he was starting
Speaker 2: at a real elementary school for the first time, and
Speaker 2: he was fine, My son is like so social, so gregarious,
Speaker 2: so outgoing, and he could see that I was having trouble.
Speaker 5: I had my sungnglasses on.
Speaker 2: He could see that my eyes were welling up with
Speaker 2: thug tears, and he was like.
Speaker 5: Mommy, why are you sad?
Speaker 2: And I didn't know what else to say other than
Speaker 2: you know, I'm a little sad that you're growing up.
Speaker 2: Like I'm so excited for you and I love you
Speaker 2: so much. And he gave me extra hugs that day
Speaker 2: because he knew that I needed it. And as he
Speaker 2: was walking in with his little oversized backpack that's bigger
Speaker 2: than him, he turns around and he gives me two
Speaker 2: thumbs up. And it was just the most intuitive moment
Speaker 2: because he knew that I needed that extra sense of
Speaker 2: validation that he was going to be Okay.
Speaker 1: I got chills when you said that kids are incredible.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the way that they like to be seen by
Speaker 2: a four year old. Imagine ever being seen and understood
Speaker 2: on that level by someone who's thirty years younger than
Speaker 2: you and.
Speaker 1: Like thirty inches tall. Yeah, it's wild.
Speaker 5: It's wild that they have the comprehension and maturity to
Speaker 5: do that.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so beautiful.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I see online now all these parents crying their kids
Speaker 1: up at school. So you're not alone. This is a
Speaker 1: very common thing.
Speaker 2: Yes, But I do have a hack. I do have
Speaker 2: a way that I approach it. And this is kind
Speaker 2: of how I approach any tough thing in life. I rejection, disappointment,
Speaker 2: whatever it is. I give myself twenty four hours to
Speaker 2: feel the things, to feel the emotions, and then I'm like,
Speaker 2: you gotta move on. You gotta time to breathe through it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: time to be strong. Be strong for your family, be
Speaker 2: strong for your kids. So it's not like I'm crying
Speaker 2: every day when I drop them off now, you know,
Speaker 2: which is good.
Speaker 5: It feels good to be past that point.
Speaker 1: Well, the first are a big deal for a reason. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, the first day is a big deal.
Speaker 5: Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2: And I think it's also because you start thinking about
Speaker 2: the rests of the first that you have coming up.
Speaker 1: You know, well, you have so many.
Speaker 2: It's true, there's so much to look forward to and
Speaker 2: so many emotions that are going to be involved in
Speaker 2: each of those transitions. And to help us navigate some
Speaker 2: of those feelings. Is our guest today, Abby Schiller. She's
Speaker 2: a life coach, mother of two, and the founder of
Speaker 2: the Mother Company, a family focused multimedia company whose mission
Speaker 2: is to help parents raise good people. The company creates
Speaker 2: content focused on social and emotional literacy, and Abby started
Speaker 2: it when she found herself yearning for a hero in
Speaker 2: children's media that would help teach emotional and social lessons.
Speaker 1: Okay, so I don't want to take away from the
Speaker 1: importance of this intro, but she also says she's a
Speaker 1: mother of two, wife of one, which really makes me laugh.
Speaker 1: Thank god, wife of one who has time to be
Speaker 1: wife to many. It's exhausting. Anyways, fast forward to today.
Speaker 1: The Mother Company is behind the MS Award winning children's
Speaker 1: series Ruby's Studio, which helps kids understand feelings, friendship, siblings,
Speaker 1: and so much more.
Speaker 2: Well, let's jump right in, Abby Schiller, Welcome to the
Speaker 2: bright Side.
Speaker 5: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1: So a lot of families have been dropping their kids
Speaker 1: off at college in the last month or so, and
Speaker 1: last week you flew with your daughters to Boston, where
Speaker 1: she attends college, and you wrote in an Instagram post
Speaker 1: congratulations and condolences. Yes, I love holding two truths at once,
Speaker 1: So I really love that post. But can you elaborate
Speaker 1: on that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so this was my third rodeo, so she's a junior,
Speaker 3: and I have to say that we aren't very good
Speaker 3: at duality as humans. We don't understand the concept that
Speaker 3: we can have joy and pride and excitement at the
Speaker 3: same time as feeling grief and dread and despair, and
Speaker 3: that is a normal human experience. And that is exactly
Speaker 3: what it feels like for so many of us dropping
Speaker 3: our kids off at college, Like we are so excited
Speaker 3: for them, and we are really sad to be on
Speaker 3: that plane or in that car right on the way
Speaker 3: home without them, or at that dinner table without them.
Speaker 3: It's painful and it really forces us to re examine
Speaker 3: our own roles as mamas and as people and understand
Speaker 3: what is next for us. So many of us think
Speaker 3: like that's ended, and we don't often focus on like
Speaker 3: what happens next looking forward.
Speaker 2: So you've actually compared this transition to when we're first
Speaker 2: sending our kids off to preschool or kindergarten, which is
Speaker 2: something that I just did.
Speaker 5: So this is very fresh for me.
Speaker 2: Yes, there are moments of celebration as much as they
Speaker 2: feel like moments of morning or loss. What is the
Speaker 2: best way to honor both truths in that moment.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so we have.
Speaker 3: To just process feelings, like becoming emotionally literate is number one.
Speaker 3: And that looks like this, it's not hard, but we
Speaker 3: never do it. We always like stuff our feelings away
Speaker 3: or ignore them or buffer them, or go for snacks
Speaker 3: or drink or whatever. But it's really quite easy just
Speaker 3: to like honor an emotion. So an emotion is a
Speaker 3: vibration in your body, and you just need to kind
Speaker 3: of tune into it. And so it looks like feeling it,
Speaker 3: understanding maybe what signal it's sending to you, honoring taking
Speaker 3: a minute to just sit with it. Like if you
Speaker 3: had a friend who was in pain, you would hug
Speaker 3: them or pull up a stool next to them and
Speaker 3: just be with them. But we don't do that for ourselves.
Speaker 3: So that's the first step. Recognizing If you can name
Speaker 3: the emotion, that's even better because putting a word to
Speaker 3: that vibration or that feeling is really normalizing and empowering.
Speaker 3: So saying oh, I'm feeling grief or I'm feeling anxious,
Speaker 3: or I'm feeling just sad, just sad right now. Of
Speaker 3: course I know she's okay, of course they need to
Speaker 3: be doing this, but also you know, and just feeling it.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: The other thing that I would say is taking it
Speaker 3: even a step further if you can, is behind every
Speaker 3: emotion is a sentence. We think in our heads a thought.
Speaker 3: So what is the thought that is connected to that feeling?
Speaker 3: What is the thought connected to sad? I'm going to
Speaker 3: miss her, I'm not with her anymore, She's changed, our
Speaker 3: lives are changing. Right, those are sad thoughts, normal thoughts,
Speaker 3: but sad. And we just want to really connect our
Speaker 3: head to our heart. Most often we live our lives
Speaker 3: very disconnected. But when we can actually bring the two together,
Speaker 3: I think that we are more empowered by our own experience,
Speaker 3: even if it's a painful one.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: A hack that I developed to get over that Sunday
Speaker 2: scaries feeling is to schedule something either on Sunday or
Speaker 2: Monday that allows me to look forward to something other
Speaker 2: than the task that I'm dreading. And I know you
Speaker 2: have kind of a similar practice.
Speaker 4: Y, Yes, that is my m so.
Speaker 3: I teach a lot of courses I coach women going
Speaker 3: through change. And one of the things that we do
Speaker 3: every Sunday evening is create the week that we want.
Speaker 3: So it looks like you know, scheduling, getting your calendar
Speaker 3: very organized, but then also making sure that every week
Speaker 3: you have something to look forward to the other thing
Speaker 3: for Sunday Scaries is to have connection. I think that
Speaker 3: you know, there's like three main things that you need
Speaker 3: for a good life and connection, meaningful connection, feeling a
Speaker 3: sense of belonging and safety within a family or within
Speaker 3: a community is like number two on that list of
Speaker 3: how to have a good life. You want to know
Speaker 3: what one and three are?
Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, you got us hope to now.
Speaker 3: We're in See. This research comes from an amazing guy
Speaker 3: named Jonathan Field. He has a book out, but he
Speaker 3: figured out what the secret is, like how to actually
Speaker 3: have a good life research wise, science backed. So the
Speaker 3: first thing is your vitality, and it's like your health,
Speaker 3: your mental health, your physical and emotional health, spiritual health.
Speaker 3: And that includes your sense of wonder and awe, which
Speaker 3: like when was the last time y'all experienced wonder or awe?
Speaker 4: Yeah, we could do that all day long, right, you
Speaker 4: could be like no leaves.
Speaker 3: Are the same, like, look at this tree, feel this breeze,
Speaker 3: look at how the light is hitting, but we don't
Speaker 3: because we acclimate to that kind of experience. Okay, So vitality, vitality, connection, connection,
Speaker 3: and then contribution. How are you contributing in a way
Speaker 3: that may outlast you? And you can do that through parenting,
Speaker 3: you can do that through lived values. You can do
Speaker 3: that by spreading wonder to other people, or by holding
Speaker 3: the door for other people. You can do that in caregiving,
Speaker 3: in your work, like, there's lots of ways to do it.
Speaker 3: But yeah, those are the three buckets and they all
Speaker 3: drip out any given day, and the act of having
Speaker 3: a good life is the act of replenishing those things. Interesting,
Speaker 3: the only caveat is that every once in a while,
Speaker 3: something happens, we get sick, we lose a job, we
Speaker 3: lose a family member, something bad happens, and then that
Speaker 3: bucket will deplete. Yeah, and when that happens, it pulls
Speaker 3: the other two buckets down much faster. If you think about,
Speaker 3: like you have a diagnosis, your vitality bucket drains and
Speaker 3: you're not meaningfully connecting with anybody, and you're not able
Speaker 3: to contribute in meaningful ways. So then you have to
Speaker 3: kind of go through a triage period and rebuild. You
Speaker 3: have to create a plan to rebuild those buckets. To
Speaker 3: replenish the buckets.
Speaker 2: We need to take a quick break, but we'll be
Speaker 2: right back with Abbi Shiller. And we're back with Abbi Shiller.
Speaker 1: You mentioned thoughts and connecting our heart to our brain.
Speaker 1: I'm not a mom yet, but one of the thoughts
Speaker 1: I see my friends go through dropping off their kids
Speaker 1: is the uncertainty. You know, there's so many questions that
Speaker 1: they have, yes, and so how do you suggest that
Speaker 1: people and parents can get peace of mind?
Speaker 3: I mean I typically am like a hyper vigilant worrier,
Speaker 3: but it comes from our upbringing. These are coping skills
Speaker 3: that we've developed when we may have grown up in
Speaker 3: times of uncertainty or unsafety, and our brains scan rooms
Speaker 3: and look for exits or imagine the other shoes always
Speaker 3: going to drop. And that's just a very typical. I mean,
Speaker 3: it's normal for parents to worry, and you just have
Speaker 3: to kind of keep yourself in check of like where
Speaker 3: is there too much and where is there not enough?
Speaker 3: Like what is the balance that is right? I would
Speaker 3: say you need to kind of like find the balance
Speaker 3: between being safe and trusting that it's going to be okay,
Speaker 3: Like where how do you establish with your kid? And
Speaker 3: y'all the statistics are very scary, like the first three
Speaker 3: months of college is the most dangerous time for sexual
Speaker 3: assault for women on campus. So do you want your
Speaker 3: child to know that maybe maybe they need to look out,
Speaker 3: maybe they need to know not to leave their drink open,
Speaker 3: maybe they need you know, there's but then there's a limit, right,
Speaker 3: you don't want to like freak them out.
Speaker 1: Well, so okay, that's my question then, because part of
Speaker 1: growing up is finding your independence, and you don't want
Speaker 1: to handicap your children. So what is the line for you?
Speaker 3: I think if you were to ask my daughter this question,
Speaker 3: she'd be sitting here rolling her eyes, Like the line
Speaker 3: for my mom is very different than the line for me.
Speaker 3: So I have had I mean, really, the thing here
Speaker 3: is like learning to trust yourself. And we have to
Speaker 3: separate intuition from fear. Right, we have to accept that
Speaker 3: there is uncertainty and there we cannot protect our children
Speaker 3: from everything, and there are bad things that happen, and
Speaker 3: that is no life is without that. That's just given,
Speaker 3: and we can educate them to some of the risks,
Speaker 3: and we can manage our own anxiety around it, and
Speaker 3: we can be there if they need us, and they
Speaker 3: can we can be a trusted source. There's not really
Speaker 3: a right answer that fits everybody and every family in this.
Speaker 3: It's just the nuance of like understanding your kid, what
Speaker 3: they need, what you need to let go of and
Speaker 3: accept and kind of find your way together.
Speaker 1: Are there any apps you trust? I mean, like for this,
Speaker 1: I love find friends, Yeah, find my friends. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: she lets us do it's with her permission. But like
Speaker 1: I've had calls where I'm you know, she's texting me
Speaker 1: and she's like, I'm in the back of a car.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if he's sober, and I might need help,
Speaker 1: And honestly, in that situation, I'm like, what do you
Speaker 1: want me to.
Speaker 4: Do about this?
Speaker 3: One of my favorite questions to ask kids at any
Speaker 3: age when they come to you with a problem, is
Speaker 3: what are all the ways you.
Speaker 4: Can solve this? Because we are raising problem solvers, Ultimately
Speaker 4: we can't solve everything for them. They have to become
Speaker 4: independent and critical thinkers. So, like starting from preschool, when
Speaker 4: they come.
Speaker 3: To you and they're like, I need a snack. What
Speaker 3: are all the ways you can solve this? Yeah, I
Speaker 3: believe in you, Like, that's the that's the few for them, right,
Speaker 3: you can solve this. You don't need me, which is
Speaker 3: so painful when they go to college and they really
Speaker 3: don't need you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think when you give them like or when
Speaker 1: you ask those questions, though, it makes them trust themselves totally.
Speaker 3: You're saying, I trust you. That's why I trust you.
Speaker 3: That's exactly the point. And so many kids right now
Speaker 3: are anxious and oppressed, and they just need to know
Speaker 3: that we believe in them and that they are capable,
Speaker 3: and that we had to learn these things too, and
Speaker 3: that mistakes are okay, they're expected. You have to fail,
Speaker 3: like we've really failure proofed this generation in so many
Speaker 3: ways that don't help them.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 2: So there's there's failing in a way that is a
Speaker 2: learning experience and that's helpful, and then there's failing in
Speaker 2: a way that can be dangerous. Right.
Speaker 5: So I want to talk to you about.
Speaker 2: Peer pressure and how we should be talking to our
Speaker 2: kids about that in a respectful way that honors their
Speaker 2: independence and our anxiety. You know, kids are going to expe,
Speaker 2: they go off to college. For a lot of people,
Speaker 2: it's part of you know, how they gain life experience.
Speaker 2: But how do you approach things like substance abuse delicately
Speaker 2: and yet with authority at the same time.
Speaker 3: Again, every family is going to have kind of a
Speaker 3: different boundary on this and what's okay and what's not okay.
Speaker 3: Hopefully we have raised kids who have a strong sense
Speaker 3: of self and like themselves and understand that when you
Speaker 3: drink to pass out it's not an act of self love,
Speaker 3: but that they understand and learn from those moments and
Speaker 3: still come to you if needed. I mean, at some
Speaker 3: point we have to let them fly and fall. And
Speaker 3: it's really hard for parents to or at least it's
Speaker 3: really hard for me to see that, to see what
Speaker 3: to see, to see our kids struggle. Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 3: It's hard and learning. And this goes back to the
Speaker 3: emotional resilience piece, the emotional literacy piece that we were
Speaker 3: talking about, which is we have to be able to
Speaker 3: hold the pain for ourselves and them like it's not
Speaker 3: their pain isn't ours to hold, But we don't need
Speaker 3: to fix everything for them. We have to trust them
Speaker 3: to fix it. And watching them struggle is really hard.
Speaker 3: At the same time, if they're doing things that are
Speaker 3: consistently dangerous, we need to ask them about it. I mean,
Speaker 3: compulsion and addiction are definitely not my expertise. There are
Speaker 3: plenty of people who really know that world. But as
Speaker 3: a coach, I would say that we can't change people. Ever,
Speaker 3: there's no changing people, even people that we had previously
Speaker 3: been in charge of, and that we have to love
Speaker 3: them and guide them as best we can and also
Speaker 3: let go, even if it means that they're gonna spiral
Speaker 3: in ways and so seeing you know, challenging behavior is
Speaker 3: like not the easiest thing, and they will know to
Speaker 3: come to us when they're when they're ready. I would
Speaker 3: suggest if there's really a problem to seek support, talk
Speaker 3: to the college. I mean, failing out of classes, not functioning,
Speaker 3: they need help.
Speaker 1: The question about social media, yeah, I'll share first, my
Speaker 1: parents were incredibly conscientious about social media, and I grew
Speaker 1: up in an era where it was kind of just beginning.
Speaker 1: We had like aol aim and they used to say
Speaker 1: to me, I can hear it perfectly. They used to say,
Speaker 1: you know, you think this is a private forum, but
Speaker 1: it's not so don't write anything to your friend Brett
Speaker 1: Berlin that you would be embarrassed of your teachers or
Speaker 1: mom and dad seeing yeah, and like they were pretty
Speaker 1: rigorous about it. I think that still rings in my mind.
Speaker 1: I'm actually very thoughtful about my social media. I kind
Speaker 1: of think of it as a virtual workplace. So like
Speaker 1: that's my version of it. Everybody has to make a
Speaker 1: choice about what social media means to them. As a parent,
Speaker 1: how do you communicate that to your kids? Because we're
Speaker 1: living in this time where free expression is so valued
Speaker 1: and it's wonderful, and at the same time, there are
Speaker 1: real world consequences to what you post.
Speaker 3: Ten percent, and social media, like gambling, is designed to
Speaker 3: hook you right, like it is designed to play upon
Speaker 3: human psychology of anticipation popularity, like there are literal psychological
Speaker 3: designs to hook you right. So in my family, my
Speaker 3: thirteen year old son does not have any social media.
Speaker 3: He's really pissed about it. And my rule is, show
Speaker 3: me that you have a balance between offline and online
Speaker 3: activities because he plays the fifas you know, video game.
Speaker 3: Show me that you have a balance between off and
Speaker 3: online activities in a way that I can trust that
Speaker 3: you can handle one more thing, and he knows he's
Speaker 3: not going to get it before he's like fourteen or fifteen.
Speaker 3: He's just not like, his brain is not developed that way.
Speaker 3: Do I hear all my friends have it? I'm missing
Speaker 3: out on all of these conversations.
Speaker 5: Yes, do.
Speaker 3: I remind him that he will if he goes on
Speaker 3: to Snapchat or whatever platform he prefers, he will still
Speaker 3: feel left out. He will still feel less liked in
Speaker 3: the same way that he feels now without that. That's
Speaker 3: a really great point. It's just even I think more
Speaker 3: under a microscope because he'll see his friends at a party,
Speaker 3: He'll see his you know, the girl he has a
Speaker 3: crush on doing you know, with another person, He'll see that.
Speaker 3: And I think that on top of the addictiontive aspects
Speaker 3: of that, and I just don't think a thirteen year
Speaker 3: old brain is ready for that. And honestly, once you
Speaker 3: give it to them, and I learned this with my daughter,
Speaker 3: who I gave it way too soon. I gave her
Speaker 3: a Snapchat when she was thirteen. You can't put that
Speaker 3: genie back in a bottle. You just cannot. And so
Speaker 3: it's much easier to manage it before they have access
Speaker 3: than after they have access. But if there are parents
Speaker 3: who are listening who have already done this, make sure
Speaker 3: that there's a balance between on and offline activities. Put
Speaker 3: some guardrails on there. There's like some really great apps
Speaker 3: that you can use to alert you if they're in danger,
Speaker 3: if they're watching content that is totally inappropriate, which they
Speaker 3: will be exposed to. You know, it's so wild because
Speaker 3: as parents we when they're kids, we research the car
Speaker 3: seat for four weeks before we buy it and we
Speaker 3: make sure that they're strapped in. But when we hand
Speaker 3: them the internet, like everything everything falls apart. Right, they
Speaker 3: have access to strangers and dangers.
Speaker 5: That we.
Speaker 3: Would allow in our home. Ever So, and then the
Speaker 3: other thing is, I'm really careful about tech. You So
Speaker 3: there's no tech at the table we eat dinner together
Speaker 3: every night. We never have our phones nearby.
Speaker 5: That's great.
Speaker 3: He has to check his phone in the public space
Speaker 3: in our kitchen before he goes up to bed, Like
Speaker 3: there's no phones in the bedroom that are allowed, so
Speaker 3: like we have to monitor that even if he's not
Speaker 3: on social media.
Speaker 2: Chip and Joanna Gaines have a rule where they all
Speaker 2: the phones stay in one place in the house. It's
Speaker 2: like by the door, like a docking station. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: if you need to use it, you go to that
Speaker 2: one place, but you're not walking around the house with
Speaker 2: a screen attached to your hip. That.
Speaker 5: I really like that, but let.
Speaker 1: Me parents too, Yes, because it's everybody. Yeah, I really
Speaker 1: like that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Okay, I like it. And there's no way I
Speaker 4: could do that.
Speaker 3: I run a whole business off of my phone and
Speaker 3: out of my home office, and so I just I
Speaker 3: don't want parents to feel like, oh gosh, like, how
Speaker 3: would I ever do that. I think it's amazing if
Speaker 3: you can. Yeah, but I also think, yes, carve out
Speaker 3: times when you're not going to be looking at your phone.
Speaker 3: Kids are lonely, like parents are looking at their phone
Speaker 3: and there's no connection. Yeah, and again good life buckets
Speaker 3: connection is the second one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe it's just after a certain time because yes,
Speaker 1: it's not realistic like posts six pm or something.
Speaker 4: Yes, and then get back on after they're on bed
Speaker 4: if you need to do a check.
Speaker 1: We have to take another short break, but we'll be
Speaker 1: right back to talk more about big life transitions with
Speaker 1: Abby Schiller. And we're back with Abby Shiller.
Speaker 2: Okay, so we've talked about the impact of these transitions
Speaker 2: on our kids, but I want to talk about how
Speaker 2: it impacts parents and caregivers too, because there's a big
Speaker 2: identity shift that can happen whenever your kids go off
Speaker 2: to college. You know, a huge part of what feels
Speaker 2: like your purpose and mission on earth has been shifted
Speaker 2: in a big way. How did your identity shit when
Speaker 2: your daughter went off to college?
Speaker 3: So I had actually spent years anticipating her going off
Speaker 3: to college.
Speaker 4: I was the parent who'd be like, we only have
Speaker 4: twelve summers left.
Speaker 3: I grew up with the dad who was much older
Speaker 3: than I was, so I was always anticipating that this
Speaker 3: could be the last Yeah, Thanksgiving, this could be the
Speaker 3: last Father's Day, this could be the last Tuesday Night, right,
Speaker 3: And so that is really like has set the scene
Speaker 3: for how my brain works. And so, of course, you know,
Speaker 3: my daughter, as she was like going through high school,
Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, she's this is our
Speaker 3: like last whatever. And the entire senior year I felt
Speaker 3: so much grief. Anticipatory grief is the word for it.
Speaker 3: I was feeling like nostalgic about a moment that I
Speaker 3: was currently living in. And I think that we don't
Speaker 3: talk about this enough because every focus in at least
Speaker 3: in our culture in this country is about like their journey,
Speaker 3: but we don't think about the parent's journey. And for
Speaker 3: somebody who, especially for women who take on the burden
Speaker 3: of the caregiving and parenting in a heterosexual household, we
Speaker 3: put our heart and soul and much of our identity
Speaker 3: into raising kids. And so when they leave, we graduate too.
Speaker 3: And what does that mean? For so many women, they're
Speaker 3: like they get to this pinnacle moment and then they're like, okay,
Speaker 3: now what which is really common when you achieve a goal,
Speaker 3: Like if you talk to like medalists in the Olympics,
Speaker 3: they go through a post metal depression. And this is
Speaker 3: very common, like a post graduation depression. And so we
Speaker 3: have to first of all, we have to read our
Speaker 3: feelings and be with them, and then we have to
Speaker 3: make a plan for ourselves of what's next. We have
Speaker 3: to look forward, I mean yes, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge
Speaker 3: the grief, acknowledge the duality and all of that, and
Speaker 3: when we're ready, start thinking about what is the next chapter.
Speaker 3: And that's actually what I coach women on, like this
Speaker 3: big change next chapters, designing your next chapter. How can
Speaker 3: we help you create the next version of your life?
Speaker 3: How do you evolve into what's next?
Speaker 1: I see dads deal with this a lot.
Speaker 4: Actually, yeah, fair, and of course they do.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I obviously moms feel it that. I feel like that's
Speaker 1: a given. But I see dads and they don't know
Speaker 1: how to deal with it, yeah, because they're not used
Speaker 1: to those feelings there as much.
Speaker 3: I think this is some of the ways that they
Speaker 3: deal with it. Okay, they get really busy. This is
Speaker 3: the way some all parents deal with it, right. We
Speaker 3: sometimes throw ourselves into busyness, We throw ourselves into old
Speaker 3: habits that we don't want, so we sit around and
Speaker 3: we snack, or we watch Netflix, or we sometimes avoid
Speaker 3: the feelings we might over try to connect with our
Speaker 3: kids when they're trying to break free, so we could
Speaker 3: call and leave lengthy messages. We can FaceTime them all
Speaker 3: the time. Like, there's lots of things, and we just
Speaker 3: really need to take kind of a conscious moment and
Speaker 3: decide who do we want to be in this stage?
Speaker 4: How do how are we going to support ourselves? Who
Speaker 4: do we want to be? What do we want for ourselves?
Speaker 5: Which is a question.
Speaker 4: Very few people.
Speaker 1: Ask, Okay, can we can we go over those questions
Speaker 1: that you just said?
Speaker 4: Yeah, how do we want to act? Who do we
Speaker 4: want to be? And what do we want for ourselves?
Speaker 1: I really like those as like a check in mechanism.
Speaker 3: And by the way, not just for parents in this stage,
Speaker 3: but for anyone at any time. Yes, how do we
Speaker 3: want to how do we want to act?
Speaker 5: Around this?
Speaker 4: Like, you have a difficult boss, how do you want
Speaker 4: to act? Who do you want to be?
Speaker 1: Totally?
Speaker 4: Yeah, what do you want?
Speaker 2: So these big life transitions, it's not something that is
Speaker 2: just happening in a vacuum.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: The way that it affects us also can impact our
Speaker 2: partners in our spouses. So how can we use these
Speaker 2: times of transition to strengthen our relationships instead of harm them?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I think I love the idea of redeciding your life
Speaker 3: every few years. We make these decisions when we're young
Speaker 3: and think that we just are stuck with them forever
Speaker 3: and ever, and that isn't the case. And so you
Speaker 3: can look at every aspect of your life and redecide it.
Speaker 3: Where you live, who you live with, what you do
Speaker 3: for a living, how you show up for yourself and others,
Speaker 3: how you parent, if you are a parent, if you
Speaker 3: want to become a parent, Like all of these things
Speaker 3: that we've decided redecide on an every few years basis.
Speaker 3: And if you're going to redecide to a relationship, for instance,
Speaker 3: a partnership, redecide how you want that partnership within this
Speaker 3: change and be intentional about it. What skills do you
Speaker 3: need that you might have gotten into a habit that
Speaker 3: are inconsistent with those skills?
Speaker 5: Well, how do you.
Speaker 3: Show up in a way that you need to have
Speaker 3: different perspective around you know, if somebody is bothering you
Speaker 3: in like they you know, a habit of like leaving
Speaker 3: the cabinets open, or is it like one of those
Speaker 3: little kind of death by paper cuts habits like and
Speaker 3: it's like really getting under your skin.
Speaker 4: Like how do you want to resolve that?
Speaker 3: Is it really that they need to change or is
Speaker 3: it that you can change your perspective of that? So like,
Speaker 3: be intentional about it. I think in a life that
Speaker 3: is filled with intention is a good life. And that
Speaker 3: when we redecide the things, even if we just decide
Speaker 3: to commit again, it's a fresh perspective that brings freshness
Speaker 3: and newness and purpose into it.
Speaker 2: Okay, as we wrap up our conversation today, we have
Speaker 2: to ask how many times have you called your daughter
Speaker 2: since you dropped your apples week?
Speaker 5: How codependent are we?
Speaker 4: Fair?
Speaker 3: That's a fair question, I I I don't think I
Speaker 3: have actually called her. I think we've done a couple
Speaker 3: texts and a FaceTime. Honestly, she misses her dog more
Speaker 3: than she misses me. No, so when she texts me,
Speaker 3: she's like dog please.
Speaker 1: That's hilarious, harsh.
Speaker 4: No, good, it's good.
Speaker 5: I'm telling you it's good.
Speaker 3: She's totally independent, she's totally like thriving, and it's exactly
Speaker 3: as it should be. And I'm okay, I'm pleased with that.
Speaker 3: I'm thrilled for her, and I've got a lot going
Speaker 3: on for me too. Like again, this is our third rodeo.
Speaker 3: So like if you had asked me this question when
Speaker 3: she was a freshman and I had just dropped her off,
Speaker 3: and the answer would be two thousand ryeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, I bet it also helps to have an
Speaker 2: independent child because as they cleave away from you, it
Speaker 2: makes it easier for you to find your own way.
Speaker 3: Yes, and she was raised to be independent. So I
Speaker 3: was always asking her, what are all the ways you
Speaker 3: can solve this. I was encouraging her to go to
Speaker 3: sleep away camp when she was really young and be
Speaker 3: on her own. I was, you know, giving her the skills,
Speaker 3: and so was her dad giving her the skills to
Speaker 3: be the independent, amazing woman that she is now. So yes,
Speaker 3: there is a cause and effect to that. Right, stop
Speaker 3: doing things that they could be doing for themselves, and
Speaker 3: you will be having a more independent kid, misindependent Abby.
Speaker 5: Thank you so much, Ah, thank you guys so much.
Speaker 5: Such a pleasure.
Speaker 1: Abby Schiller is a life coach and the founder of
Speaker 1: the Mother Company. You can find out more about her
Speaker 1: work at Abby Shiller dot com.
Speaker 2: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're popping off with writer,
Speaker 2: producer and podcast host Diosa Fem.
Speaker 1: Listen and follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 5: I'm Simone Boye.
Speaker 2: You can find me at simone Voice on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 1: Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok. That's ro Ba.
Speaker 2: Y see you tomorrow, folks. Keep looking on the bright side.