1 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,480 Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, Hey besties. 2 00:00:05,559 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 2: Today on the bright Side, so many families are starting 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 2: a new school year and some of us could use 4 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 2: a little boost after sending our kids off. Definitely not 5 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,360 Speaker 2: talking about myself here today. We're joined by the founder 6 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 2: of the mother Company Life Coach, Abby Schiller. She's here 7 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,040 Speaker 2: to help us navigate that transition, offer a great way 8 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 2: to talk to our kids about it, and the number 9 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 2: one question you should ask yourself if you're feeling stuck. 10 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 3: One of my favorite questions to ask kids at any 11 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 3: age is what are all the ways you can solve this? 12 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 4: Because we are raising problem. 13 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,680 Speaker 3: Solvers, Ultimately, we can't solve everything for them. They have 14 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 3: to become independent and critical thinkers. 15 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,120 Speaker 2: It's Thursday, August twenty ninth. I'm Simone Boyce. 16 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 1: I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from 17 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to 18 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: share women's stories, laugh, learn and brighten your day. 19 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 2: Danielle, what do you remember about your first day at Wisconsin? 20 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 5: Were you excited? Were you nervous? 21 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 1: I thought I was going to throw up. Really, I 22 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 1: didn't eat for like the first two weeks of college. 23 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: I was so nervous. My mom came up, dropped me off, 24 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: got my whole room, settled with me. She was so amazing, 25 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,120 Speaker 1: called it our room. It was not my room. She 26 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: called it our room. She would call me and be like, hey, 27 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: how's our room. But then she left and she drove 28 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:28,400 Speaker 1: back to Chicago. It's like a two and a half 29 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 1: hour drive. And I called her that night crying and 30 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 1: I said, can you please come back? 31 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,199 Speaker 5: And she did. 32 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: She came back that weekend and stayed for the weekend, 33 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,039 Speaker 1: and then I was finally off. 34 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 5: And then you felt like you could transition on your own. 35 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: Yes, I feel like your experience was very different. 36 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:48,600 Speaker 2: I was so ready for the freedom. I was like bye, 37 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 2: Mom and Dad. I honestly can't remember whether I was nervous. 38 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 2: I'm sure I had some nerves, but I just remember 39 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 2: wanting to make friends immediately. Yeah, I just I wanted 40 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 2: to find a community. I wanted to find that sense 41 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: of belonging because that's what I grew up hearing about college. Yes, 42 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 2: you know, it was like this is where you find 43 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 2: your people, the friends that you're going to be with 44 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,000 Speaker 2: for the rest of your life. So one of the 45 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 2: first things that I did to try to make friends 46 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 2: during the summer, because I think I arrived during summer school, okay, 47 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,799 Speaker 2: to kind of get settled in. I bought a slip 48 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,640 Speaker 2: and slide and I brought it to one of the 49 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,799 Speaker 2: parks on campus, and I started making friends that way, 50 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 2: Like I made some friends that day. 51 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 1: Hilarious. Are you in touch with any of your slip 52 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 1: and slide friends? 53 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 2: I'm not, okay, that's okay. They serve their purpose. I 54 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 2: hope you're doing well, slip and slide friends. 55 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 1: The idea, like the fact that you did that makes 56 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,360 Speaker 1: me giggle. I love that. 57 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 5: Yeah, why not? 58 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: So Simone, we're sitting here talking about college, but you 59 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: actually recently sent your son to transitional kindergarten, which is 60 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,959 Speaker 1: such a big deal. It's so different experiencing going to 61 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,440 Speaker 1: school versus being a parent and sending your kids off 62 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,080 Speaker 1: to school. I know it was tough for you. 63 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 5: It was so tough. 64 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 2: I don't even I'm so mad that I have to 65 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 2: talk about this because I'm probably gonna cry again. It's 66 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 2: not even that i'm it's not even that I'm still sad. 67 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:05,640 Speaker 2: It's just I had this beautiful moment with my son, Logan, 68 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 2: who is going to TK, which means he was starting 69 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 2: at a real elementary school for the first time, and 70 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 2: he was fine, My son is like so social, so gregarious, 71 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,760 Speaker 2: so outgoing, and he could see that I was having trouble. 72 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 5: I had my sungnglasses on. 73 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 2: He could see that my eyes were welling up with 74 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,800 Speaker 2: thug tears, and he was like. 75 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,239 Speaker 5: Mommy, why are you sad? 76 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 2: And I didn't know what else to say other than 77 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 2: you know, I'm a little sad that you're growing up. 78 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 2: Like I'm so excited for you and I love you 79 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 2: so much. And he gave me extra hugs that day 80 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 2: because he knew that I needed it. And as he 81 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 2: was walking in with his little oversized backpack that's bigger 82 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 2: than him, he turns around and he gives me two 83 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 2: thumbs up. And it was just the most intuitive moment 84 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 2: because he knew that I needed that extra sense of 85 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 2: validation that he was going to be Okay. 86 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 1: I got chills when you said that kids are incredible. 87 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, the way that they like to be seen by 88 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 2: a four year old. Imagine ever being seen and understood 89 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 2: on that level by someone who's thirty years younger than 90 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:11,520 Speaker 2: you and. 91 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: Like thirty inches tall. Yeah, it's wild. 92 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,359 Speaker 5: It's wild that they have the comprehension and maturity to 93 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 5: do that. 94 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: Oh that's so beautiful. 95 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 5: Yeah. 96 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 1: I see online now all these parents crying their kids 97 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 1: up at school. So you're not alone. This is a 98 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: very common thing. 99 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,760 Speaker 2: Yes, But I do have a hack. I do have 100 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 2: a way that I approach it. And this is kind 101 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 2: of how I approach any tough thing in life. I rejection, disappointment, 102 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 2: whatever it is. I give myself twenty four hours to 103 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 2: feel the things, to feel the emotions, and then I'm like, 104 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,159 Speaker 2: you gotta move on. You gotta time to breathe through it. Yeah, 105 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 2: time to be strong. Be strong for your family, be 106 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 2: strong for your kids. So it's not like I'm crying 107 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 2: every day when I drop them off now, you know, 108 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 2: which is good. 109 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 5: It feels good to be past that point. 110 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 1: Well, the first are a big deal for a reason. Yeah, 111 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: you know, the first day is a big deal. 112 00:04:59,080 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 5: Yeah, for sure. 113 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 2: And I think it's also because you start thinking about 114 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,480 Speaker 2: the rests of the first that you have coming up. 115 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: You know, well, you have so many. 116 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 2: It's true, there's so much to look forward to and 117 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 2: so many emotions that are going to be involved in 118 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 2: each of those transitions. And to help us navigate some 119 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 2: of those feelings. Is our guest today, Abby Schiller. She's 120 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 2: a life coach, mother of two, and the founder of 121 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 2: the Mother Company, a family focused multimedia company whose mission 122 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 2: is to help parents raise good people. The company creates 123 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 2: content focused on social and emotional literacy, and Abby started 124 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:35,480 Speaker 2: it when she found herself yearning for a hero in 125 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 2: children's media that would help teach emotional and social lessons. 126 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 1: Okay, so I don't want to take away from the 127 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,479 Speaker 1: importance of this intro, but she also says she's a 128 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 1: mother of two, wife of one, which really makes me laugh. 129 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 1: Thank god, wife of one who has time to be 130 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:57,919 Speaker 1: wife to many. It's exhausting. Anyways, fast forward to today. 131 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 1: The Mother Company is behind the MS Award winning children's 132 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: series Ruby's Studio, which helps kids understand feelings, friendship, siblings, 133 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 1: and so much more. 134 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,599 Speaker 2: Well, let's jump right in, Abby Schiller, Welcome to the 135 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,359 Speaker 2: bright Side. 136 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,479 Speaker 5: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. 137 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: So a lot of families have been dropping their kids 138 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: off at college in the last month or so, and 139 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: last week you flew with your daughters to Boston, where 140 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: she attends college, and you wrote in an Instagram post 141 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:31,279 Speaker 1: congratulations and condolences. Yes, I love holding two truths at once, 142 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: So I really love that post. But can you elaborate 143 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 1: on that? 144 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, so this was my third rodeo, so she's a junior, 145 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,840 Speaker 3: and I have to say that we aren't very good 146 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 3: at duality as humans. We don't understand the concept that 147 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 3: we can have joy and pride and excitement at the 148 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:52,720 Speaker 3: same time as feeling grief and dread and despair, and 149 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 3: that is a normal human experience. And that is exactly 150 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,719 Speaker 3: what it feels like for so many of us dropping 151 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 3: our kids off at college, Like we are so excited 152 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,479 Speaker 3: for them, and we are really sad to be on 153 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,240 Speaker 3: that plane or in that car right on the way 154 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:08,040 Speaker 3: home without them, or at that dinner table without them. 155 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 3: It's painful and it really forces us to re examine 156 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 3: our own roles as mamas and as people and understand 157 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 3: what is next for us. So many of us think 158 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,840 Speaker 3: like that's ended, and we don't often focus on like 159 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 3: what happens next looking forward. 160 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: So you've actually compared this transition to when we're first 161 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 2: sending our kids off to preschool or kindergarten, which is 162 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 2: something that I just did. 163 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 5: So this is very fresh for me. 164 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 2: Yes, there are moments of celebration as much as they 165 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 2: feel like moments of morning or loss. What is the 166 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 2: best way to honor both truths in that moment. 167 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 5: Yeah, so we have. 168 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 3: To just process feelings, like becoming emotionally literate is number one. 169 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,400 Speaker 3: And that looks like this, it's not hard, but we 170 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 3: never do it. We always like stuff our feelings away 171 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,239 Speaker 3: or ignore them or buffer them, or go for snacks 172 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 3: or drink or whatever. But it's really quite easy just 173 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 3: to like honor an emotion. So an emotion is a 174 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 3: vibration in your body, and you just need to kind 175 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 3: of tune into it. And so it looks like feeling it, 176 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 3: understanding maybe what signal it's sending to you, honoring taking 177 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 3: a minute to just sit with it. Like if you 178 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 3: had a friend who was in pain, you would hug 179 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 3: them or pull up a stool next to them and 180 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 3: just be with them. But we don't do that for ourselves. 181 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,560 Speaker 3: So that's the first step. Recognizing If you can name 182 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 3: the emotion, that's even better because putting a word to 183 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 3: that vibration or that feeling is really normalizing and empowering. 184 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 3: So saying oh, I'm feeling grief or I'm feeling anxious, 185 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:52,560 Speaker 3: or I'm feeling just sad, just sad right now. Of 186 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 3: course I know she's okay, of course they need to 187 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 3: be doing this, but also you know, and just feeling it. 188 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. 189 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 3: The other thing that I would say is taking it 190 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 3: even a step further if you can, is behind every 191 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,599 Speaker 3: emotion is a sentence. We think in our heads a thought. 192 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 3: So what is the thought that is connected to that feeling? 193 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,319 Speaker 3: What is the thought connected to sad? I'm going to 194 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 3: miss her, I'm not with her anymore, She's changed, our 195 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 3: lives are changing. Right, those are sad thoughts, normal thoughts, 196 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,839 Speaker 3: but sad. And we just want to really connect our 197 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 3: head to our heart. Most often we live our lives 198 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 3: very disconnected. But when we can actually bring the two together, 199 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:39,080 Speaker 3: I think that we are more empowered by our own experience, 200 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 3: even if it's a painful one. 201 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: Yeah. 202 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 2: A hack that I developed to get over that Sunday 203 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 2: scaries feeling is to schedule something either on Sunday or 204 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 2: Monday that allows me to look forward to something other 205 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: than the task that I'm dreading. And I know you 206 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 2: have kind of a similar practice. 207 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 4: Y, Yes, that is my m so. 208 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 3: I teach a lot of courses I coach women going 209 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 3: through change. And one of the things that we do 210 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 3: every Sunday evening is create the week that we want. 211 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 3: So it looks like you know, scheduling, getting your calendar 212 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 3: very organized, but then also making sure that every week 213 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 3: you have something to look forward to the other thing 214 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,439 Speaker 3: for Sunday Scaries is to have connection. I think that 215 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 3: you know, there's like three main things that you need 216 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 3: for a good life and connection, meaningful connection, feeling a 217 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 3: sense of belonging and safety within a family or within 218 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 3: a community is like number two on that list of 219 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 3: how to have a good life. You want to know 220 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 3: what one and three are? 221 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,959 Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, you got us hope to now. 222 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 3: We're in See. This research comes from an amazing guy 223 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:46,559 Speaker 3: named Jonathan Field. He has a book out, but he 224 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,320 Speaker 3: figured out what the secret is, like how to actually 225 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,440 Speaker 3: have a good life research wise, science backed. So the 226 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 3: first thing is your vitality, and it's like your health, 227 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 3: your mental health, your physical and emotional health, spiritual health. 228 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,559 Speaker 3: And that includes your sense of wonder and awe, which 229 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 3: like when was the last time y'all experienced wonder or awe? 230 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, we could do that all day long, right, you 231 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:11,520 Speaker 4: could be like no leaves. 232 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,839 Speaker 3: Are the same, like, look at this tree, feel this breeze, 233 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,560 Speaker 3: look at how the light is hitting, but we don't 234 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 3: because we acclimate to that kind of experience. Okay, So vitality, vitality, connection, connection, 235 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 3: and then contribution. How are you contributing in a way 236 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 3: that may outlast you? And you can do that through parenting, 237 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 3: you can do that through lived values. You can do 238 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 3: that by spreading wonder to other people, or by holding 239 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 3: the door for other people. You can do that in caregiving, 240 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 3: in your work, like, there's lots of ways to do it. 241 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 3: But yeah, those are the three buckets and they all 242 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,560 Speaker 3: drip out any given day, and the act of having 243 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 3: a good life is the act of replenishing those things. Interesting, 244 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 3: the only caveat is that every once in a while, 245 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 3: something happens, we get sick, we lose a job, we 246 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 3: lose a family member, something bad happens, and then that 247 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 3: bucket will deplete. Yeah, and when that happens, it pulls 248 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 3: the other two buckets down much faster. If you think about, 249 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 3: like you have a diagnosis, your vitality bucket drains and 250 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 3: you're not meaningfully connecting with anybody, and you're not able 251 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 3: to contribute in meaningful ways. So then you have to 252 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 3: kind of go through a triage period and rebuild. You 253 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 3: have to create a plan to rebuild those buckets. To 254 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 3: replenish the buckets. 255 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 2: We need to take a quick break, but we'll be 256 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 2: right back with Abbi Shiller. And we're back with Abbi Shiller. 257 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 1: You mentioned thoughts and connecting our heart to our brain. 258 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 1: I'm not a mom yet, but one of the thoughts 259 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: I see my friends go through dropping off their kids 260 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: is the uncertainty. You know, there's so many questions that 261 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: they have, yes, and so how do you suggest that 262 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,080 Speaker 1: people and parents can get peace of mind? 263 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 3: I mean I typically am like a hyper vigilant worrier, 264 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 3: but it comes from our upbringing. These are coping skills 265 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 3: that we've developed when we may have grown up in 266 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:08,719 Speaker 3: times of uncertainty or unsafety, and our brains scan rooms 267 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,040 Speaker 3: and look for exits or imagine the other shoes always 268 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 3: going to drop. And that's just a very typical. I mean, 269 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 3: it's normal for parents to worry, and you just have 270 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,400 Speaker 3: to kind of keep yourself in check of like where 271 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 3: is there too much and where is there not enough? 272 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 3: Like what is the balance that is right? I would 273 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 3: say you need to kind of like find the balance 274 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,680 Speaker 3: between being safe and trusting that it's going to be okay, 275 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 3: Like where how do you establish with your kid? And 276 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 3: y'all the statistics are very scary, like the first three 277 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,160 Speaker 3: months of college is the most dangerous time for sexual 278 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 3: assault for women on campus. So do you want your 279 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 3: child to know that maybe maybe they need to look out, 280 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,200 Speaker 3: maybe they need to know not to leave their drink open, 281 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 3: maybe they need you know, there's but then there's a limit, right, 282 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,080 Speaker 3: you don't want to like freak them out. 283 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: Well, so okay, that's my question then, because part of 284 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 1: growing up is finding your independence, and you don't want 285 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 1: to handicap your children. So what is the line for you? 286 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 3: I think if you were to ask my daughter this question, 287 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 3: she'd be sitting here rolling her eyes, Like the line 288 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,160 Speaker 3: for my mom is very different than the line for me. 289 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 3: So I have had I mean, really, the thing here 290 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 3: is like learning to trust yourself. And we have to 291 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:27,440 Speaker 3: separate intuition from fear. Right, we have to accept that 292 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 3: there is uncertainty and there we cannot protect our children 293 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 3: from everything, and there are bad things that happen, and 294 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 3: that is no life is without that. That's just given, 295 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 3: and we can educate them to some of the risks, 296 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 3: and we can manage our own anxiety around it, and 297 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,240 Speaker 3: we can be there if they need us, and they 298 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 3: can we can be a trusted source. There's not really 299 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 3: a right answer that fits everybody and every family in this. 300 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 3: It's just the nuance of like understanding your kid, what 301 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,840 Speaker 3: they need, what you need to let go of and 302 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 3: accept and kind of find your way together. 303 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 1: Are there any apps you trust? I mean, like for this, 304 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: I love find friends, Yeah, find my friends. Yeah, and 305 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: she lets us do it's with her permission. But like 306 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: I've had calls where I'm you know, she's texting me 307 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,720 Speaker 1: and she's like, I'm in the back of a car. 308 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,160 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if he's sober, and I might need help, 309 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 1: And honestly, in that situation, I'm like, what do you 310 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:29,880 Speaker 1: want me to. 311 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 4: Do about this? 312 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 3: One of my favorite questions to ask kids at any 313 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 3: age when they come to you with a problem, is 314 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,160 Speaker 3: what are all the ways you. 315 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:44,560 Speaker 4: Can solve this? Because we are raising problem solvers, Ultimately 316 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 4: we can't solve everything for them. They have to become 317 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 4: independent and critical thinkers. So, like starting from preschool, when 318 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,560 Speaker 4: they come. 319 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 3: To you and they're like, I need a snack. What 320 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 3: are all the ways you can solve this? Yeah, I 321 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 3: believe in you, Like, that's the that's the few for them, right, 322 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 3: you can solve this. You don't need me, which is 323 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 3: so painful when they go to college and they really 324 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 3: don't need you. 325 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think when you give them like or when 326 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: you ask those questions, though, it makes them trust themselves totally. 327 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 3: You're saying, I trust you. That's why I trust you. 328 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 3: That's exactly the point. And so many kids right now 329 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,800 Speaker 3: are anxious and oppressed, and they just need to know 330 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,240 Speaker 3: that we believe in them and that they are capable, 331 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 3: and that we had to learn these things too, and 332 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 3: that mistakes are okay, they're expected. You have to fail, 333 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 3: like we've really failure proofed this generation in so many 334 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 3: ways that don't help them. 335 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 5: Okay. 336 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,720 Speaker 2: So there's there's failing in a way that is a 337 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 2: learning experience and that's helpful, and then there's failing in 338 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 2: a way that can be dangerous. Right. 339 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 5: So I want to talk to you about. 340 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 2: Peer pressure and how we should be talking to our 341 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 2: kids about that in a respectful way that honors their 342 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 2: independence and our anxiety. You know, kids are going to expe, 343 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,240 Speaker 2: they go off to college. For a lot of people, 344 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,080 Speaker 2: it's part of you know, how they gain life experience. 345 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,639 Speaker 2: But how do you approach things like substance abuse delicately 346 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 2: and yet with authority at the same time. 347 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,159 Speaker 3: Again, every family is going to have kind of a 348 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 3: different boundary on this and what's okay and what's not okay. 349 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:22,400 Speaker 3: Hopefully we have raised kids who have a strong sense 350 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 3: of self and like themselves and understand that when you 351 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:32,440 Speaker 3: drink to pass out it's not an act of self love, 352 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 3: but that they understand and learn from those moments and 353 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 3: still come to you if needed. I mean, at some 354 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,719 Speaker 3: point we have to let them fly and fall. And 355 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 3: it's really hard for parents to or at least it's 356 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,480 Speaker 3: really hard for me to see that, to see what 357 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,919 Speaker 3: to see, to see our kids struggle. Yeah, that's hard. 358 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,040 Speaker 3: It's hard and learning. And this goes back to the 359 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 3: emotional resilience piece, the emotional literacy piece that we were 360 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,399 Speaker 3: talking about, which is we have to be able to 361 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:12,680 Speaker 3: hold the pain for ourselves and them like it's not 362 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,720 Speaker 3: their pain isn't ours to hold, But we don't need 363 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 3: to fix everything for them. We have to trust them 364 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,399 Speaker 3: to fix it. And watching them struggle is really hard. 365 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 3: At the same time, if they're doing things that are 366 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:32,920 Speaker 3: consistently dangerous, we need to ask them about it. I mean, 367 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:38,360 Speaker 3: compulsion and addiction are definitely not my expertise. There are 368 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:42,120 Speaker 3: plenty of people who really know that world. But as 369 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,200 Speaker 3: a coach, I would say that we can't change people. Ever, 370 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 3: there's no changing people, even people that we had previously 371 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:56,359 Speaker 3: been in charge of, and that we have to love 372 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 3: them and guide them as best we can and also 373 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 3: let go, even if it means that they're gonna spiral 374 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 3: in ways and so seeing you know, challenging behavior is 375 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:10,439 Speaker 3: like not the easiest thing, and they will know to 376 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:14,639 Speaker 3: come to us when they're when they're ready. I would 377 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 3: suggest if there's really a problem to seek support, talk 378 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,680 Speaker 3: to the college. I mean, failing out of classes, not functioning, 379 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 3: they need help. 380 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:30,119 Speaker 1: The question about social media, yeah, I'll share first, my 381 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: parents were incredibly conscientious about social media, and I grew 382 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 1: up in an era where it was kind of just beginning. 383 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,840 Speaker 1: We had like aol aim and they used to say 384 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: to me, I can hear it perfectly. They used to say, 385 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,119 Speaker 1: you know, you think this is a private forum, but 386 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,919 Speaker 1: it's not so don't write anything to your friend Brett 387 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:52,120 Speaker 1: Berlin that you would be embarrassed of your teachers or 388 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,680 Speaker 1: mom and dad seeing yeah, and like they were pretty 389 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: rigorous about it. I think that still rings in my mind. 390 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: I'm actually very thoughtful about my social media. I kind 391 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:09,239 Speaker 1: of think of it as a virtual workplace. So like 392 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,199 Speaker 1: that's my version of it. Everybody has to make a 393 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: choice about what social media means to them. As a parent, 394 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 1: how do you communicate that to your kids? Because we're 395 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 1: living in this time where free expression is so valued 396 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,239 Speaker 1: and it's wonderful, and at the same time, there are 397 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: real world consequences to what you post. 398 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 3: Ten percent, and social media, like gambling, is designed to 399 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:39,120 Speaker 3: hook you right, like it is designed to play upon 400 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 3: human psychology of anticipation popularity, like there are literal psychological 401 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:51,159 Speaker 3: designs to hook you right. So in my family, my 402 00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 3: thirteen year old son does not have any social media. 403 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:59,760 Speaker 3: He's really pissed about it. And my rule is, show 404 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 3: me that you have a balance between offline and online 405 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 3: activities because he plays the fifas you know, video game. 406 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,879 Speaker 3: Show me that you have a balance between off and 407 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,359 Speaker 3: online activities in a way that I can trust that 408 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 3: you can handle one more thing, and he knows he's 409 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 3: not going to get it before he's like fourteen or fifteen. 410 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 3: He's just not like, his brain is not developed that way. 411 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 3: Do I hear all my friends have it? I'm missing 412 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,640 Speaker 3: out on all of these conversations. 413 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 5: Yes, do. 414 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 3: I remind him that he will if he goes on 415 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 3: to Snapchat or whatever platform he prefers, he will still 416 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 3: feel left out. He will still feel less liked in 417 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 3: the same way that he feels now without that. That's 418 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,640 Speaker 3: a really great point. It's just even I think more 419 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 3: under a microscope because he'll see his friends at a party, 420 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,199 Speaker 3: He'll see his you know, the girl he has a 421 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,199 Speaker 3: crush on doing you know, with another person, He'll see that. 422 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 3: And I think that on top of the addictiontive aspects 423 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,159 Speaker 3: of that, and I just don't think a thirteen year 424 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 3: old brain is ready for that. And honestly, once you 425 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,879 Speaker 3: give it to them, and I learned this with my daughter, 426 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,919 Speaker 3: who I gave it way too soon. I gave her 427 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 3: a Snapchat when she was thirteen. You can't put that 428 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 3: genie back in a bottle. You just cannot. And so 429 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 3: it's much easier to manage it before they have access 430 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,200 Speaker 3: than after they have access. But if there are parents 431 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,640 Speaker 3: who are listening who have already done this, make sure 432 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 3: that there's a balance between on and offline activities. Put 433 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 3: some guardrails on there. There's like some really great apps 434 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 3: that you can use to alert you if they're in danger, 435 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,159 Speaker 3: if they're watching content that is totally inappropriate, which they 436 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,880 Speaker 3: will be exposed to. You know, it's so wild because 437 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 3: as parents we when they're kids, we research the car 438 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 3: seat for four weeks before we buy it and we 439 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,360 Speaker 3: make sure that they're strapped in. But when we hand 440 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 3: them the internet, like everything everything falls apart. Right, they 441 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 3: have access to strangers and dangers. 442 00:22:58,800 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 5: That we. 443 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 3: Would allow in our home. Ever So, and then the 444 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 3: other thing is, I'm really careful about tech. You So 445 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,119 Speaker 3: there's no tech at the table we eat dinner together 446 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,160 Speaker 3: every night. We never have our phones nearby. 447 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 5: That's great. 448 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,119 Speaker 3: He has to check his phone in the public space 449 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 3: in our kitchen before he goes up to bed, Like 450 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,000 Speaker 3: there's no phones in the bedroom that are allowed, so 451 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 3: like we have to monitor that even if he's not 452 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 3: on social media. 453 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,880 Speaker 2: Chip and Joanna Gaines have a rule where they all 454 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,400 Speaker 2: the phones stay in one place in the house. It's 455 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,199 Speaker 2: like by the door, like a docking station. Yeah, so 456 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,960 Speaker 2: if you need to use it, you go to that 457 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,280 Speaker 2: one place, but you're not walking around the house with 458 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 2: a screen attached to your hip. That. 459 00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 5: I really like that, but let. 460 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,440 Speaker 1: Me parents too, Yes, because it's everybody. Yeah, I really 461 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: like that. 462 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, Okay, I like it. And there's no way I 463 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 4: could do that. 464 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,800 Speaker 3: I run a whole business off of my phone and 465 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 3: out of my home office, and so I just I 466 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,880 Speaker 3: don't want parents to feel like, oh gosh, like, how 467 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,280 Speaker 3: would I ever do that. I think it's amazing if 468 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,120 Speaker 3: you can. Yeah, but I also think, yes, carve out 469 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,960 Speaker 3: times when you're not going to be looking at your phone. 470 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 3: Kids are lonely, like parents are looking at their phone 471 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,200 Speaker 3: and there's no connection. Yeah, and again good life buckets 472 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,720 Speaker 3: connection is the second one. 473 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe it's just after a certain time because yes, 474 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 1: it's not realistic like posts six pm or something. 475 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 4: Yes, and then get back on after they're on bed 476 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:22,760 Speaker 4: if you need to do a check. 477 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 1: We have to take another short break, but we'll be 478 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,919 Speaker 1: right back to talk more about big life transitions with 479 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: Abby Schiller. And we're back with Abby Shiller. 480 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,679 Speaker 2: Okay, so we've talked about the impact of these transitions 481 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 2: on our kids, but I want to talk about how 482 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 2: it impacts parents and caregivers too, because there's a big 483 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 2: identity shift that can happen whenever your kids go off 484 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 2: to college. You know, a huge part of what feels 485 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,760 Speaker 2: like your purpose and mission on earth has been shifted 486 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,400 Speaker 2: in a big way. How did your identity shit when 487 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,920 Speaker 2: your daughter went off to college? 488 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 3: So I had actually spent years anticipating her going off 489 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:08,680 Speaker 3: to college. 490 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,159 Speaker 4: I was the parent who'd be like, we only have 491 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,399 Speaker 4: twelve summers left. 492 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,680 Speaker 3: I grew up with the dad who was much older 493 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,440 Speaker 3: than I was, so I was always anticipating that this 494 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,040 Speaker 3: could be the last Yeah, Thanksgiving, this could be the 495 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 3: last Father's Day, this could be the last Tuesday Night, right, 496 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 3: And so that is really like has set the scene 497 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 3: for how my brain works. And so, of course, you know, 498 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,600 Speaker 3: my daughter, as she was like going through high school, 499 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, she's this is our 500 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,640 Speaker 3: like last whatever. And the entire senior year I felt 501 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,320 Speaker 3: so much grief. Anticipatory grief is the word for it. 502 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 3: I was feeling like nostalgic about a moment that I 503 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,440 Speaker 3: was currently living in. And I think that we don't 504 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 3: talk about this enough because every focus in at least 505 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 3: in our culture in this country is about like their journey, 506 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,320 Speaker 3: but we don't think about the parent's journey. And for 507 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 3: somebody who, especially for women who take on the burden 508 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,920 Speaker 3: of the caregiving and parenting in a heterosexual household, we 509 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 3: put our heart and soul and much of our identity 510 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:18,200 Speaker 3: into raising kids. And so when they leave, we graduate too. 511 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 3: And what does that mean? For so many women, they're 512 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 3: like they get to this pinnacle moment and then they're like, okay, 513 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,880 Speaker 3: now what which is really common when you achieve a goal, 514 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,919 Speaker 3: Like if you talk to like medalists in the Olympics, 515 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 3: they go through a post metal depression. And this is 516 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:40,760 Speaker 3: very common, like a post graduation depression. And so we 517 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 3: have to first of all, we have to read our 518 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,879 Speaker 3: feelings and be with them, and then we have to 519 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 3: make a plan for ourselves of what's next. We have 520 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:54,800 Speaker 3: to look forward, I mean yes, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge 521 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,440 Speaker 3: the grief, acknowledge the duality and all of that, and 522 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,919 Speaker 3: when we're ready, start thinking about what is the next chapter. 523 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,879 Speaker 3: And that's actually what I coach women on, like this 524 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:09,720 Speaker 3: big change next chapters, designing your next chapter. How can 525 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,720 Speaker 3: we help you create the next version of your life? 526 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 3: How do you evolve into what's next? 527 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,720 Speaker 1: I see dads deal with this a lot. 528 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 4: Actually, yeah, fair, and of course they do. 529 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:23,320 Speaker 5: Yeah. 530 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,400 Speaker 1: I obviously moms feel it that. I feel like that's 531 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,199 Speaker 1: a given. But I see dads and they don't know 532 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,680 Speaker 1: how to deal with it, yeah, because they're not used 533 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,200 Speaker 1: to those feelings there as much. 534 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,600 Speaker 3: I think this is some of the ways that they 535 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:39,679 Speaker 3: deal with it. Okay, they get really busy. This is 536 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 3: the way some all parents deal with it, right. We 537 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 3: sometimes throw ourselves into busyness, We throw ourselves into old 538 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,480 Speaker 3: habits that we don't want, so we sit around and 539 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:54,480 Speaker 3: we snack, or we watch Netflix, or we sometimes avoid 540 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 3: the feelings we might over try to connect with our 541 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,760 Speaker 3: kids when they're trying to break free, so we could 542 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,679 Speaker 3: call and leave lengthy messages. We can FaceTime them all 543 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 3: the time. Like, there's lots of things, and we just 544 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,080 Speaker 3: really need to take kind of a conscious moment and 545 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:13,200 Speaker 3: decide who do we want to be in this stage? 546 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 4: How do how are we going to support ourselves? Who 547 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,760 Speaker 4: do we want to be? What do we want for ourselves? 548 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 5: Which is a question. 549 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 4: Very few people. 550 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,440 Speaker 1: Ask, Okay, can we can we go over those questions 551 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 1: that you just said? 552 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, how do we want to act? Who do we 553 00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,959 Speaker 4: want to be? And what do we want for ourselves? 554 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: I really like those as like a check in mechanism. 555 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 3: And by the way, not just for parents in this stage, 556 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 3: but for anyone at any time. Yes, how do we 557 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 3: want to how do we want to act? 558 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 5: Around this? 559 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,239 Speaker 4: Like, you have a difficult boss, how do you want 560 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,560 Speaker 4: to act? Who do you want to be? 561 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 1: Totally? 562 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 4: Yeah, what do you want? 563 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:51,239 Speaker 2: So these big life transitions, it's not something that is 564 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,080 Speaker 2: just happening in a vacuum. 565 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:53,360 Speaker 1: You know. 566 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,719 Speaker 2: The way that it affects us also can impact our 567 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:02,280 Speaker 2: partners in our spouses. So how can we use these 568 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 2: times of transition to strengthen our relationships instead of harm them? 569 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 4: Yeah? 570 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 3: I think I love the idea of redeciding your life 571 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 3: every few years. We make these decisions when we're young 572 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,640 Speaker 3: and think that we just are stuck with them forever 573 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:24,920 Speaker 3: and ever, and that isn't the case. And so you 574 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 3: can look at every aspect of your life and redecide it. 575 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,760 Speaker 3: Where you live, who you live with, what you do 576 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 3: for a living, how you show up for yourself and others, 577 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 3: how you parent, if you are a parent, if you 578 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 3: want to become a parent, Like all of these things 579 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 3: that we've decided redecide on an every few years basis. 580 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,840 Speaker 3: And if you're going to redecide to a relationship, for instance, 581 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:52,920 Speaker 3: a partnership, redecide how you want that partnership within this 582 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 3: change and be intentional about it. What skills do you 583 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,800 Speaker 3: need that you might have gotten into a habit that 584 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 3: are inconsistent with those skills? 585 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:03,480 Speaker 5: Well, how do you. 586 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:07,080 Speaker 3: Show up in a way that you need to have 587 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 3: different perspective around you know, if somebody is bothering you 588 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:16,400 Speaker 3: in like they you know, a habit of like leaving 589 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 3: the cabinets open, or is it like one of those 590 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,400 Speaker 3: little kind of death by paper cuts habits like and 591 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 3: it's like really getting under your skin. 592 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:24,800 Speaker 4: Like how do you want to resolve that? 593 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 3: Is it really that they need to change or is 594 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 3: it that you can change your perspective of that? So like, 595 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,960 Speaker 3: be intentional about it. I think in a life that 596 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 3: is filled with intention is a good life. And that 597 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,640 Speaker 3: when we redecide the things, even if we just decide 598 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 3: to commit again, it's a fresh perspective that brings freshness 599 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:44,280 Speaker 3: and newness and purpose into it. 600 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:49,120 Speaker 2: Okay, as we wrap up our conversation today, we have 601 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,480 Speaker 2: to ask how many times have you called your daughter 602 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 2: since you dropped your apples week? 603 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 5: How codependent are we? 604 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 4: Fair? 605 00:30:55,960 --> 00:31:01,520 Speaker 3: That's a fair question, I I I don't think I 606 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 3: have actually called her. I think we've done a couple 607 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:07,600 Speaker 3: texts and a FaceTime. Honestly, she misses her dog more 608 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:12,239 Speaker 3: than she misses me. No, so when she texts me, 609 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:13,560 Speaker 3: she's like dog please. 610 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 1: That's hilarious, harsh. 611 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 4: No, good, it's good. 612 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:18,400 Speaker 5: I'm telling you it's good. 613 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 3: She's totally independent, she's totally like thriving, and it's exactly 614 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,160 Speaker 3: as it should be. And I'm okay, I'm pleased with that. 615 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 3: I'm thrilled for her, and I've got a lot going 616 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 3: on for me too. Like again, this is our third rodeo. 617 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 3: So like if you had asked me this question when 618 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 3: she was a freshman and I had just dropped her off, 619 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 3: and the answer would be two thousand ryeah. 620 00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, I bet it also helps to have an 621 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,959 Speaker 2: independent child because as they cleave away from you, it 622 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 2: makes it easier for you to find your own way. 623 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:52,040 Speaker 3: Yes, and she was raised to be independent. So I 624 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 3: was always asking her, what are all the ways you 625 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 3: can solve this. I was encouraging her to go to 626 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,040 Speaker 3: sleep away camp when she was really young and be 627 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,000 Speaker 3: on her own. I was, you know, giving her the skills, 628 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,960 Speaker 3: and so was her dad giving her the skills to 629 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 3: be the independent, amazing woman that she is now. So yes, 630 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:12,960 Speaker 3: there is a cause and effect to that. Right, stop 631 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 3: doing things that they could be doing for themselves, and 632 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 3: you will be having a more independent kid, misindependent Abby. 633 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,400 Speaker 5: Thank you so much, Ah, thank you guys so much. 634 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:25,120 Speaker 5: Such a pleasure. 635 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:28,800 Speaker 1: Abby Schiller is a life coach and the founder of 636 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,360 Speaker 1: the Mother Company. You can find out more about her 637 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 1: work at Abby Shiller dot com. 638 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,480 Speaker 2: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're popping off with writer, 639 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 2: producer and podcast host Diosa Fem. 640 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,360 Speaker 1: Listen and follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 641 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,120 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 642 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 5: I'm Simone Boye. 643 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,720 Speaker 2: You can find me at simone Voice on Instagram and TikTok. 644 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 1: Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok. That's ro Ba. 645 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:03,800 Speaker 2: Y see you tomorrow, folks. Keep looking on the bright side.