Speaker 1: Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 1: So recently I read something on Debbie Allen's Internet and
Speaker 1: it hit home for me because this is something that
Speaker 1: I do all the time, and a lot of people
Speaker 1: in my life or that used to be in my life,
Speaker 1: they are not fond of the fact that I do this,
Speaker 1: but I don't really care. I'm going to continue to
Speaker 1: do it because of the way that I need to
Speaker 1: process information. And I know that sometimes when I do
Speaker 1: it can be a little overwhelming, but once again, that's
Speaker 1: not my concern. And it is I found it on
Speaker 1: Facebook and it is by someone named Chantell Morrison, and
Speaker 1: it says, let's normalize asking questions for clarity instead of
Speaker 1: moving based on the story you've created in your mind,
Speaker 1: which may or may not be true. Clarity preserves all relationships,
Speaker 1: and in my mind that is an absolute fact because
Speaker 1: clarity leads to understanding and understanding. To me, in my mind,
Speaker 1: in my opinion, is the most important aspect of any relationship.
Speaker 1: Not love, not honesty, not trust, not communication, understanding because
Speaker 1: if I understand you, then loving you it may not
Speaker 1: come easy, but I know what to do. If I
Speaker 1: understand you, I know how you like to communicate or
Speaker 1: how you communicate, which is going to make communication easier.
Speaker 1: If I understand you, I know that you're a liar.
Speaker 1: I understand that you are not a truthful person, and
Speaker 1: so when you tell me lies, you know, hopefully I
Speaker 1: may not be as upset as I was the last time,
Speaker 1: or I may be. Understanding gives us options, and that's
Speaker 1: important because we all like options. It gives you the
Speaker 1: option to figure out how to work it out. It
Speaker 1: gives you the option to figure out how you want
Speaker 1: to navigate the space. It gives you the option to
Speaker 1: walk away from a situation. It gives you the option
Speaker 1: to stay in the situation. It gives you the option
Speaker 1: to want to help somebody, because the truth of the
Speaker 1: matter is that without that understanding of that person or
Speaker 1: of the situation, like you're kind of ignorant. You're left
Speaker 1: in the dark. And how do you navigate that way?
Speaker 1: Like it's hard to move around in the dark. So
Speaker 1: ask the questions you want to know, because you deserve
Speaker 1: to know. And that's that. Now, let's go ahead and
Speaker 1: get this poorty stored friends and can If you follow
Speaker 1: me on Instagram, then you know I have the flu.
Speaker 1: If you don't follow me on Instagram, well that's a problem.
Speaker 1: But in addition to that, I have the flu. So
Speaker 1: this episode is the episode that I have for days
Speaker 1: like this where I'm sick or something comes up. It's
Speaker 1: a banked episode, but I wanted to make sure that
Speaker 1: I at least recorded something to remind you that we
Speaker 1: are starting our Gratitude Challenge today, March the twelfth. Now,
Speaker 1: if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: go back and listen to the last episode, episode eighty four,
Speaker 1: so you can find out what I'm talking about and
Speaker 1: get ready for the Gratitude Challenge, which starts today. If
Speaker 1: you are listening and it is not March twelfth, let's
Speaker 1: say it's March the fifteenth, beware the odds of March.
Speaker 1: Start on March fifteenth. Start where you are. That is
Speaker 1: a very important actually it's a very important principle of Buddhism.
Speaker 1: But just start where you are with what you have.
Speaker 1: Go listen to the last episode because I'm not about
Speaker 1: to run it down, but go listen to the last
Speaker 1: episode so you can find out what I'm talking about
Speaker 1: and just join up us on our journey as we
Speaker 1: partake in a gratitude challenge to help reset, recenter, and
Speaker 1: shift our mindset and get ready for spring peace, and
Speaker 1: I'll see you next week. I can't see the things
Speaker 1: that happens. Okay, what's up, y'all? Welcome to hand me
Speaker 1: my personal podcast. I am Mimi Walker, and I will
Speaker 1: be your forever hosts each and every time you tune
Speaker 1: into this podcast. So go ahead and get comfortable. Get
Speaker 1: yourself a glass of your favorite beverage, whether that's pomegranate,
Speaker 1: dragon fruit, sparkling water, a Moscow mule, or a Chai
Speaker 1: t latte. Go light yourself a candle, some incense, or
Speaker 1: burn some sage, and just get ready to chill out
Speaker 1: and have a good time. Hey, friends and ken, it's
Speaker 1: me me, Resident Auntie Supreme, here at handing my purse,
Speaker 1: and today I am sipping on some tea and some
Speaker 1: alkaline water. I'm getting very frustrated with myself and my
Speaker 1: lack of efficient hydration choices, and they just simply have
Speaker 1: to get better. I should be ashamed of myself, but
Speaker 1: guess what I'm not. I'm not, but I should be.
Speaker 1: I am sick and tired of my own self not
Speaker 1: drinking enough water, and of course I drink water daily,
Speaker 1: but to me, it's just not enough. I feel like
Speaker 1: I should be drinking eighty to ninety six ounces of
Speaker 1: water a day, and I sometimes don't even crack the
Speaker 1: sixty four, the standard sixty four. Sometimes I make it
Speaker 1: to like fifty, and I just feel like that's just
Speaker 1: out of control. I am also drinking some tea. I'm
Speaker 1: drinking some ash waganda tea, and this tea from a
Speaker 1: brand that I'm not going to mention the brand, but
Speaker 1: it's called get Burning. It's supposed to rev your metabolism up,
Speaker 1: not in like an unhealthy way or a stimulant way,
Speaker 1: because I think it just uses like herbs like cinnamon
Speaker 1: or something. I don't know either way. I'm drinking some
Speaker 1: tea and I added some apple cider or vinegar to
Speaker 1: it and some honey, and I thought it was going
Speaker 1: to be disgusting, but it's not. It's actually not even bad,
Speaker 1: you know. I know my voice sounds a little weird.
Speaker 1: It's allergy season for me, which is really all year
Speaker 1: round because I have ridiculous allergies. I'm allergic to everything.
Speaker 1: Surprised I'm not allergic to myself. I'm not Actually, yes,
Speaker 1: I do have egzema. But either way, I've got to
Speaker 1: get this hydration thing down and I've got to figure
Speaker 1: it out. I got to get it under control, and
Speaker 1: I want to know, well, if you guys have any
Speaker 1: suggestions that do not require that I buy a new
Speaker 1: water bottle, because God knows, I don't need a new
Speaker 1: water bottle or a new cup or any kind of
Speaker 1: new drinking vessel, although I'll probably get another one within
Speaker 1: the next two to three weeks, because I absolutely have
Speaker 1: an addiction to that. Nor do I want to download
Speaker 1: any new apps because the latter absolutely doesn't work for me.
Speaker 1: I don't care about an app. I don't care about
Speaker 1: telling the app how many ounces of water I drink
Speaker 1: a day. I don't need an accountability partner in the
Speaker 1: form of an application on my cellular device. Okay, I
Speaker 1: need to set a water goal and just stick to it.
Speaker 1: If you have any suggestions on social media, share them
Speaker 1: with me. Because CIS needs help. I am sis, SIS
Speaker 1: is me and I need assistance with this. Help me, friends,
Speaker 1: and can please what's it here? Friends? A came for
Speaker 1: two days jam. I opted a four song called killing
Speaker 1: Me and the song is by A band, one of
Speaker 1: my favorite groups called Little Dragon, and I've been fans
Speaker 1: of Little Dragon since their first few singles came out
Speaker 1: in six two thousand and six. Their debut album was
Speaker 1: fully released the following year, and it just had me
Speaker 1: in a full fledged chokehold. I was still buying CDs
Speaker 1: back then, and long gone are those days. I really
Speaker 1: missed the days of having to go into a store
Speaker 1: and buy music and looking for new music and taking
Speaker 1: a risk and not knowing if it's gonna be good
Speaker 1: or if it's gonna be whack, but taking the risk
Speaker 1: and seeing what you come home with, seeing what you
Speaker 1: come back with. I remember when all we had were
Speaker 1: actual records, cassettes and CDs, like those days are long gone.
Speaker 1: I miss those days. But anyway, let me read some
Speaker 1: of the lyrics for the song killing Me for You.
Speaker 1: It says, here time, hurry, heal my every wound, don't
Speaker 1: burden me, leave me to symphonies. I'll make a masterpiece.
Speaker 1: Oh babe, does eleven stup teble bab YEA yeah, I
Speaker 1: save no longer with you. You've created a space. I'll
Speaker 1: take my rocket ship and get the hell out of
Speaker 1: this nothing that I'm gonna miss but You're Killing Me.
Speaker 1: I loveble this song. I love Little Dragon period like period.
Speaker 1: I've seen Little Dragon and Concert about four or five times,
Speaker 1: and as I did the prep for this episode, I
Speaker 1: realized that they're coming back to the States this fall,
Speaker 1: and I think I'm gonna go see them. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: put a link in the show notes for this song.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put a link in the show notes for
Speaker 1: their Tiny Desk performance because I freaking love their music.
Speaker 1: Their first album, which was self titled, was very soulful
Speaker 1: and it hooked me hard. It hooked me hard. But
Speaker 1: I think my favorite album is the album that this
Speaker 1: song killing Me is on. That album is called Na
Speaker 1: Boom of Rubber Band, and that is the album that,
Speaker 1: like I said, that this song is on. It was
Speaker 1: released in twenty fourteen. It's their fourth studio release. I
Speaker 1: wasn't really crazy about the second or third album, but
Speaker 1: they were still good. They just didn't make like my
Speaker 1: top albums their recent Their most recent release is called
Speaker 1: Slugs of Love, and I've listened to it. It's pretty,
Speaker 1: it's pretty dope. Some of it a little early because
Speaker 1: they released a few of the singles all at once
Speaker 1: before they released the album and then I listened to
Speaker 1: the entire thing. Actually, while I worked on this episode,
Speaker 1: I'm actually gonna link another song. They perform it in
Speaker 1: the Tiny Desk. But it is the song that I
Speaker 1: think made me say, oh, this group is the shit.
Speaker 1: I had no idea what they looked like, I had
Speaker 1: no idea where they were from. I just knew that
Speaker 1: they sounded amazing. And when I heard the song, it's
Speaker 1: the song is called Forever. When I heard the song,
Speaker 1: I thought that Missy Elliott was on the song, I
Speaker 1: was like, this sounds like a Missy Elliott production, but
Speaker 1: she was not. It's so it's so dope as a band, Like,
Speaker 1: they're really top tier and I'm actually really excited to
Speaker 1: share some of their music with you if you aren't
Speaker 1: already familiar with them. I've met the lead singer ukemia
Speaker 1: a couple times when i've seen them live. She has
Speaker 1: a beautiful spirit. Not to mention, her voice is fucking ethereal,
Speaker 1: like I've never heard a voice similar to this ever,
Speaker 1: and I love that. I love when someone an artist.
Speaker 1: Since we're talking about music, I'll keep it to music.
Speaker 1: When an artist has an element that is unlike anything
Speaker 1: that I've ever heard, and she definitely has a voice
Speaker 1: that is very distinct. So do your felf, do your
Speaker 1: felf work, Gettymark, do yourself and your felf, whoever your
Speaker 1: felf is, do yourself a favor and go check them out.
Speaker 1: Get into the music, play it if you are going
Speaker 1: on a long drive, or while you commute, if you
Speaker 1: have a long commute, or while you clean up, so
Speaker 1: you can really just allow the music to just be
Speaker 1: and you can absorb the music without judgment or without
Speaker 1: controlling how you receive it. And if you like it,
Speaker 1: let me know. I'm excited to hear what you think.
Speaker 1: I love. One of my favorite things about this show
Speaker 1: is sharing some of my favorite music with people. So
Speaker 1: if you like it, let me know, and you can
Speaker 1: let me know on the post on Instagram. I always
Speaker 1: post on the day of my tune in Tuesday post.
Speaker 1: Let me know under there, because if the song is
Speaker 1: on Instagram, I will play the song underneath or behind
Speaker 1: my words or however I'm describing the episode. So if
Speaker 1: you like it, let me know. And if you can't
Speaker 1: get to me there, send me an email, send me
Speaker 1: a smoke signal, send me a morse code, send me
Speaker 1: a DM just let me know what you think. I
Speaker 1: want to know if you guys like it or not.
Speaker 1: Ye Okay, today friends, I can We are going to
Speaker 1: do a bit of a check in with us. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's a self check in. It's the summertime, and I
Speaker 1: got to say that I have been having a damn
Speaker 1: blast and not because of anything too heavy, you know,
Speaker 1: just making sure that I'm enjoying my life because my
Speaker 1: grandmother transitioning and becoming an ancestor in January definitely has
Speaker 1: had a serious, major impact on how I have been living. Okay,
Speaker 1: I have realized that for the past two years or so,
Speaker 1: since she became ill, that I've kind of just been
Speaker 1: like existing, just going along, you know, not that I
Speaker 1: was sad or miserable or whatever. I may have been
Speaker 1: a litle depressed, but I had it under control. It
Speaker 1: was me I was managing, but you know, just kind
Speaker 1: of floating or like just kind of like on Autopoly,
Speaker 1: just going not really submerged in the experience of life.
Speaker 1: Be because of how I'm wired, you know, I still
Speaker 1: manage to thrive and live a good life, a lovely life.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing about surviving childhood trauma. If you
Speaker 1: learn how to heal that broken childhood space within, then
Speaker 1: you are equipped to handle the ups and downs of
Speaker 1: life because you know that you can weather a storm.
Speaker 1: You are resilient, You know you persevere beyond your understanding,
Speaker 1: and you know you're strong and a warrior and blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah, all that good stuff. Now, don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, these are great qualities to have. These
Speaker 1: are amazing qualities to have because you are strong, you
Speaker 1: are resilient, you can persevere, you can make it through
Speaker 1: tough times, and they're especially good for navigating life. Check
Speaker 1: me out. Though I don't know about everybody else, but
Speaker 1: sometimes I get tired of weathering all the storms, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? I get tired of being a
Speaker 1: damn warrior princess who can take on anything, who can
Speaker 1: handle all of the things that come her way. I
Speaker 1: just fucking get tired of it. And I got hit
Speaker 1: with an anvil earlier this year, reminding me that time
Speaker 1: is not ours to have. Needless to say, you know,
Speaker 1: I've kind of been fully focused this year on living
Speaker 1: my life in full Well, Mimi, what does that really entail?
Speaker 1: I don't fucking know. I don't know what it entails.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of learning as I go along, because truthfully,
Speaker 1: I thought I was doing that before. I thought that
Speaker 1: I was always living my best life and you know,
Speaker 1: all those clever, cliche things that you say, yolo and
Speaker 1: living my best life. I ain't going back and forth
Speaker 1: with you. You know what you know. But for the
Speaker 1: past two years or so, I'm starting to question whether
Speaker 1: or not I have been. But you know, that's the
Speaker 1: tricky thing about healing. You think you got it all
Speaker 1: figured out and that you're on the right track and
Speaker 1: that you have arrived because I am healed and I
Speaker 1: got it, and then boom, you realize you ain't got
Speaker 1: shit figured out. Life starts life in and it hits
Speaker 1: you with some unexpected shit for you to sit through
Speaker 1: and find your way out of with grace, always with grace.
Speaker 1: And then you realize, y'all, you don't know nothing at all.
Speaker 1: You don't know nothing, how bullshit. The one thing that
Speaker 1: I do know for sure is that there's only one
Speaker 1: way to live, and that is in the moment. Focusing
Speaker 1: on the past is really a waste of your time.
Speaker 1: It's over and done. You can't do anything to correct
Speaker 1: it or to change what has already went down. It's over.
Speaker 1: You can take accountability for your role in things you know,
Speaker 1: you can apologize if you need to, you can do
Speaker 1: and the things that you need to do to kind
Speaker 1: of self correct anything that you played a part in,
Speaker 1: to correct or wrong. You can really try to make
Speaker 1: right any malicious behavior or wrongdoings that you played a
Speaker 1: part in. But to sit and stew and some shit
Speaker 1: that has happened already, like it's pointless. And if you
Speaker 1: feel the need to stew, baby, please go get a therapist.
Speaker 1: And you knew it was coming, you knew I was
Speaker 1: gonna say it. It's the answer to everything, as far
Speaker 1: as I'm going to turn, because it can really lead
Speaker 1: you back to finding or you know, reclaiming your true
Speaker 1: authentic self. And if you've never known him or her
Speaker 1: or them, them, him her or them being your true
Speaker 1: authentic self, talk therapy will really guide you to learning
Speaker 1: and figuring out exactly who that person is. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: digress as usual, let's move forward, be coming or when
Speaker 1: we become consumed with the future, that's another waste of time.
Speaker 1: It's gonna happen, and you can shift and or control
Speaker 1: the outcome kind of However, if you're focused on what's
Speaker 1: gonna happen tomorrow, next week, next month, a year, five year,
Speaker 1: or ten years, you're gonna lose yourself, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: lose time, and you're gonna lose this moment. You won't
Speaker 1: be able to fully truly engulf yourself in the magic
Speaker 1: of right now, because every moment is magic. Right now,
Speaker 1: Boom magic, Hila, right now, boom magic. Oh, what's happening?
Speaker 1: You feel it? Right now? Look at that magic. And
Speaker 1: I know about this because this has been a major
Speaker 1: theme in my healing journey. I have themes in my
Speaker 1: healing journey. I'm not gonna talk about them right now,
Speaker 1: but if you listen to the show like you should
Speaker 1: be able to figure out what most of them are. Oftentimes,
Speaker 1: when we grow up with a lot of chaos or
Speaker 1: in situations where our lives are unstable, especially early on
Speaker 1: in our lives, we get in the habit of becoming
Speaker 1: consumed with the future because we want to control it.
Speaker 1: People with chaos trauma tend to always want to be
Speaker 1: in control of, at least the very least their own lives,
Speaker 1: so much that they don't get to truly live their
Speaker 1: lives in the moment that the lives are happening right,
Speaker 1: And it's nothing short of a defense mechanism, and it's
Speaker 1: technically a form of anxiety, and it makes a lot
Speaker 1: of sense. You know, you've lived your earlier years in
Speaker 1: life surrounded by chaos and instability. Therefore, as an adult,
Speaker 1: when you do have more power and more dominion over
Speaker 1: your life, you want to have as much structure and
Speaker 1: assumed control as possible. It makes total sense to me.
Speaker 1: Of course, it makes sense to me because it's part
Speaker 1: of an issue that I have. And it makes sense
Speaker 1: to me because you know, this was my life, this
Speaker 1: is my existence, and I'm speaking about what I know
Speaker 1: because I did it and sometimes I still do it because,
Speaker 1: like I said, you know, like we're all trying to
Speaker 1: figure this shit out, you know what I mean, everybody's
Speaker 1: just trying to figure it out. And that's real talk.
Speaker 1: Everybody trusts trying to navigate this shit the best way
Speaker 1: they can. Because life is not easy. It's not it's not.
Speaker 1: But you know, there are ways to make it less
Speaker 1: difficult if you will. I don't know if there's a
Speaker 1: way to make life easy, but there's definitely ways to
Speaker 1: make life less difficult, That's it. And so I feel
Speaker 1: like through therapy at least I have learned, and I
Speaker 1: learned it slowly and surely and truthfully, because honey, I'm
Speaker 1: still learning. I'm still fucking shit up. I'm still making
Speaker 1: bad choices and I forever will because it's a journey.
Speaker 1: I always talk about healing is a journey. It's not
Speaker 1: really like a destination. It's kind of a journey that
Speaker 1: you'll be on as long as you're on this earth,
Speaker 1: in this life time anyway. But I'm still learning that
Speaker 1: there's power and there's freedom in uncertainty. There's a freedom
Speaker 1: in not knowing what's going to happen. And if you're
Speaker 1: really one who believes in a higher power than yourself,
Speaker 1: you possibly have an understanding of what true faith is.
Speaker 1: And I say possibly because everyone doesn't really get it.
Speaker 1: Faith is by definition, complete trust or confidence in someone, something,
Speaker 1: or a concept. So if you have complete trust and
Speaker 1: confidence in your higher power or higher powers, whatever he
Speaker 1: she it they are, how is it that you really
Speaker 1: think you're in control of anything at all? How bushit?
Speaker 1: This was really really a hard conversation for me to
Speaker 1: have with my therapist, and a really difficult concept for
Speaker 1: me to grasp and I still struggle with it because
Speaker 1: security and stability feel really really really good to me,
Speaker 1: Like I like it a lot. Oh yeah, And of
Speaker 1: course they feel good to me. Duh. That is logical,
Speaker 1: and it's based on my lived experience. Is like, of
Speaker 1: course I would really enjoy it when I know what's
Speaker 1: going to happen, and you know, I have some control
Speaker 1: over it and their structure and there's an agenda and
Speaker 1: there's a plan and I can see the finish line
Speaker 1: or I know what the outcome should be and I
Speaker 1: have a goal. Of course I like that because I
Speaker 1: know the stress, the anxiety and that overwhelming feeling that
Speaker 1: chaos trauma leaves you with. It leaves you bound, and
Speaker 1: you're so tightly bound because it's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't
Speaker 1: know if I'm going to make it out of what happens.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I have what it takes to
Speaker 1: navigate what happens? Am I going to survive what happens?
Speaker 1: And you get wrapped up in that and that's not
Speaker 1: really healthy, excuse me, nor is it helpful. And you
Speaker 1: know there's no true freedom in trying to have complete
Speaker 1: dominion over every aspect of your life. There's no freedom
Speaker 1: at all in that. And like I said, you end
Speaker 1: up bound to your own fallacy. You're bound to this
Speaker 1: narrative in your brain that you are actually controlling something,
Speaker 1: or that you have the power to control outcomes without fail.
Speaker 1: And you got to know that you ultimately do not
Speaker 1: control outcomes. You do have some control over some simple things. Right.
Speaker 1: If you get up and you want to wear blue
Speaker 1: shoes today and you have blue shoes, you have the
Speaker 1: control to get up and put the blue shoes on.
Speaker 1: You have control if you don't have blue shoes, to
Speaker 1: look online or go to stores and locate blue shoes.
Speaker 1: But you don't have control over whether or not there
Speaker 1: are any blue shoes left in your size of the
Speaker 1: style that you like. You don't have control over then.
Speaker 1: But you do have control over getting some kind of
Speaker 1: blue shoe, or if you have blue shoes already wearing them.
Speaker 1: You get what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying
Speaker 1: other stuff, I hope, y'all. I'm pretty sure you do.
Speaker 1: It's interesting to me that many of us become so
Speaker 1: consumed and engulfed in trying to shift the outcomes or
Speaker 1: change what we may need to experience that we forget
Speaker 1: about right now, And I said, change what we may
Speaker 1: need to experience, because sometimes, all right, let's go to church,
Speaker 1: all right, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Sometimes I believe that God
Speaker 1: or whoever it is that is your higher power, whether
Speaker 1: it be God, Buddha, a lah Krishna, your ancestors, whatever
Speaker 1: it is, the plant that's by your window, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: because I don't judge, it's not my place, right. I
Speaker 1: feel like sometimes we forget that there are certain things
Speaker 1: that we need to experience because it helps to build
Speaker 1: form and further create who we need to become for
Speaker 1: the next phase of our life. Right If you try
Speaker 1: to control all of that, you may not get to
Speaker 1: where you need to be, or may not become who
Speaker 1: you need to be for the next stage that's already
Speaker 1: planned for you by your higher power. Why are you
Speaker 1: trying to be at war with the higher power? Let
Speaker 1: the higher power higher power, let the higher power do
Speaker 1: their job, let them do they work, and you just
Speaker 1: focus on living in the right now and experiencing what
Speaker 1: the higher power has given you right now. Because honestly
Speaker 1: not doing that. To me, it just came to me
Speaker 1: like it's a form. It's like anti gratitude, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. If you are focused on where you
Speaker 1: are now, you you should be focused on being so
Speaker 1: grateful for where you are right now, what you have.
Speaker 1: And I'm preaching to myself Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, you should
Speaker 1: be so focused on what you have today and where
Speaker 1: you are today and what you have right now that
Speaker 1: you ain't even worried about tomorrow or the next day
Speaker 1: or the next day because you know that your higher
Speaker 1: power is going to take care of you regardless. Okay,
Speaker 1: but sometimes we want to play God or Christian or
Speaker 1: Buda or Allah or your ancestors or the water or
Speaker 1: the plant by the window. And that's not what having
Speaker 1: faith is about. And that's not what gratitude is about.
Speaker 1: That's not living in a space of authentic gratitude. Everybody
Speaker 1: want to say that they're grateful all the time and
Speaker 1: they got gratitude. Do you though, do you are you
Speaker 1: really grateful? Are you really sitting in gratitude? Really? Anyway?
Speaker 1: Like I said, we sometimes need to go through certain
Speaker 1: experiences and we get so focused on trying to control
Speaker 1: what's going on that we forget about now and we
Speaker 1: look up and we have spent countless minutes, hours, days, weeks,
Speaker 1: months and years focused on controlling the future and yes
Speaker 1: a future of future, the future, our future, and we
Speaker 1: never really took the time out to enjoy the life
Speaker 1: that we are living right now. I can really talk
Speaker 1: about this all day because my therapist and I I
Speaker 1: love that lady God of Mercy, she's the best. Shout
Speaker 1: out to my therapist. Shout out to my therapist. And
Speaker 1: so I brought her up because it's what I do.
Speaker 1: But I really brought her up because, like I said,
Speaker 1: this is a major theme for me and my healing journey,
Speaker 1: and my therapists and I have done a lot of
Speaker 1: work to get And you notice how I said, my
Speaker 1: therapist and I have done a lot of work. Because
Speaker 1: if you're in therapy and you and your therapists are
Speaker 1: not working together in conjunction to do the work get
Speaker 1: a new thing. Therapists, you in the wrong place, My guy,
Speaker 1: you in the wrong place, because this ain't how it worked.
Speaker 1: It don't work like that. The too of y'all gotta
Speaker 1: work together. Don't get me wrong. You are doing most
Speaker 1: of the work. You are doing all of the healing
Speaker 1: work on you and within you. But y'all got to
Speaker 1: work together to get to the place where you even
Speaker 1: understand why doing this work is important, how to do
Speaker 1: the work, and they are there to support you. It's
Speaker 1: like learning how to ride a bike, and it makes
Speaker 1: me think of how my grandmother used to hold me
Speaker 1: on the back of the bike all the time, up
Speaker 1: and down the street with the training wheels on because
Speaker 1: I was scared. But once again, chaos trauma. I didn't
Speaker 1: like the feeling of not feeling secure right. But anyway,
Speaker 1: like I said, my therapist and I have done a
Speaker 1: considerable amount of work to get me to a place
Speaker 1: where I've started to shift my own thinking around controlling outcomes.
Speaker 1: And you know, hopefully I can have her come on
Speaker 1: the show The Future again and we can talk about this.
Speaker 1: She's been on the show many times before. Actually do
Speaker 1: yourself a favor and go back and listen to the
Speaker 1: episodes wherein my therapist was a guest. I think it's
Speaker 1: about three of them, and I will link them all
Speaker 1: in the show notes so that you have easy access.
Speaker 1: They're really, really, really awesome episodes. But like I said,
Speaker 1: we've worked really hard to get me to the place
Speaker 1: where I even recognized that I was not living in
Speaker 1: the moment. I was either hung up on something that
Speaker 1: already happened or focused real hard, real hard on what
Speaker 1: was about to happen, and oftentimes I would create scenarios
Speaker 1: in my mind before it even happened. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: my poor cousin, lindsay, I'll never forget. We were in
Speaker 1: the car one time I was dating this guy. You know,
Speaker 1: I was a little hormonal, I had PMS, and I
Speaker 1: was just crying and crying about the scenario that I
Speaker 1: had created in my head about this guy. And she
Speaker 1: was looking at me and she was like, Mimi, you
Speaker 1: gotta chill out. And I was like, oh, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I do need to chill out. But I would create
Speaker 1: these scenarios and these narratives about what could happen and
Speaker 1: what would happen instead of just focusing on what was
Speaker 1: actually happening. And I would try to control everything. And
Speaker 1: it was so dumb. What in the world is that?
Speaker 1: I don't know what it was, but I don't do
Speaker 1: it anymore. Well a little bit, I do know what
Speaker 1: it was. Actually it was operating from a lens of trauma.
Speaker 1: That's what it is. It's nothing short of that. It's
Speaker 1: just operating from a space of chaos trauma, from the
Speaker 1: lens of chaos trauma. And the way that I've started
Speaker 1: to overcome that aspect of my own trauma is meditation.
Speaker 1: Meditation definitely helps. And let me tell you something. I
Speaker 1: people say, oh, I can't meditate. Listen, Yes you can,
Speaker 1: because if I can do it, baby, you can do it.
Speaker 1: My mind is literally I am literally dory from finding Nemo,
Speaker 1: literally that character. Somehow they managed to fashion it after me.
Speaker 1: So if I can meditate for like fifteen to twenty minutes,
Speaker 1: you can figure it out. But you know what, it
Speaker 1: takes practice. You got to practice it. It's just like
Speaker 1: anything and everything that people get good at. Serena Williams
Speaker 1: didn't get so good by not practicing. She's been practicing
Speaker 1: for years since she was I want to say they
Speaker 1: were nine when they started playing tennis. Michael Jordan didn't
Speaker 1: get that good. Lebron James didn't get that good. Flo
Speaker 1: Joe didn't get that good. That's not how it works.
Speaker 1: Arthur Ash didn't get that good. You gotta practice the
Speaker 1: thing that you want to excel at, and so I
Speaker 1: can do about fifteen to twenty minutes. One time, I
Speaker 1: think I did it for twenty two minutes. And somebody
Speaker 1: told me. And it's funny. The person who told me this,
Speaker 1: he can go to hell. Quite frankly, you go to hell.
Speaker 1: He can kiss my ass at the same time. Actually
Speaker 1: he can kiss my ass first and then go to hell.
Speaker 1: But that's neither here nor there. He told me that meditation.
Speaker 1: He said, it's not about how long you do it.
Speaker 1: It's just about doing it. So and he was right.
Speaker 1: It's just about starting it doing it, and there's no
Speaker 1: way to mess it up, like if you drift off.
Speaker 1: Because most people say they can't get their mind to
Speaker 1: be still. If I can get this brain to be
Speaker 1: still and clear, you can do the same thing. But
Speaker 1: it takes practice. You got to start. You got to
Speaker 1: figure out how you know, how best you navigate that.
Speaker 1: I can talk about how I did it and it
Speaker 1: may be helpful for you. And if that's something that
Speaker 1: you guys are interested in, just let me know. You know,
Speaker 1: you know how to find me because I tell you
Speaker 1: every every episode, I tell you how to find me.
Speaker 1: Tell me and I'll talk about like my how I
Speaker 1: navigated my meditation practice. But you can figure it out.
Speaker 1: You need to stop overthinking and overprocessing information that you
Speaker 1: take in and see things just at face value. Don't
Speaker 1: put any additional value onto things. Things are just as
Speaker 1: they are. And when I say things, I mean tangible things,
Speaker 1: I mean relationships, I mean the things that people say
Speaker 1: to you, the things that people do to you. Another
Speaker 1: thing is understanding that things that happen happen, they don't
Speaker 1: happen to you. People don't do things to you. People
Speaker 1: just do things. Get it. Some people cannot process outside
Speaker 1: of their own mind. Everything is not about you, you, okay. So,
Speaker 1: and if you live in the moment, you understand that
Speaker 1: whatever may have happened, or whatever someone may have done,
Speaker 1: that happened in the past, and we're gonna be right
Speaker 1: here because it's not still happening. And if it is
Speaker 1: still happening, we need to figure out how we're gonna
Speaker 1: get out of whatever that is right. If it's not,
Speaker 1: if it does not serve you, things are as they are,
Speaker 1: and we have to learn to accept things more. You know,
Speaker 1: we don't want to accept shit. We want to just
Speaker 1: we it goes back to you wanting to be in control. No,
Speaker 1: because I can change this, I can alter it, I
Speaker 1: can fix it. No, you can't. Now, that does not
Speaker 1: mean that you are just supposed to lie down and
Speaker 1: let life happen around you without taking any initiative to
Speaker 1: be great. That's not what I'm saying. That's not the wave,
Speaker 1: that's not a look, that's not what we're doing. I mean,
Speaker 1: you have to simply practice acceptance, accepting that certain things
Speaker 1: I don't control, certain things have happened. Okay, moving on.
Speaker 1: Let me go on with my life and not stay
Speaker 1: stuck in this thing that has happened. That's it. I
Speaker 1: was kind of surprised, actually, when I learned that yoga
Speaker 1: is also a very helpful way for you to get
Speaker 1: connected to the present and to stay in the moment.
Speaker 1: And the biggest reason is certainly the focus on your breath.
Speaker 1: I'm a big advocate for breath work, big advocate. I
Speaker 1: remember being in my early twenties and like trying a
Speaker 1: cigarette for the first time and thinking, well, not for
Speaker 1: the first time, trying to hold cigarette for the first time,
Speaker 1: I should say, and thinking, I understand why people smoke cigarettes.
Speaker 1: I don't know why they smoke them on a regular
Speaker 1: basis because they are disgusting. And that's not me judging
Speaker 1: people who smoke cigarettes. If any of you smoke one,
Speaker 1: I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, so that would be a problem,
Speaker 1: a big problem. That's a yes, it is. But in
Speaker 1: addition to that, I understood it because I understood the
Speaker 1: drag of the puff, the puffing, and then the release.
Speaker 1: All that is is just inhaling, pausing, exhaling, pausing, inhaling,
Speaker 1: pausing and friends, that's breath work. It's breath work pulling
Speaker 1: poison into your lungs. Of course it's not healthy, but
Speaker 1: it is still control breath, control, breathing. I'm a big
Speaker 1: advocate of breath work. It can help you calm your
Speaker 1: asthma down if you're having an asthma attack or if
Speaker 1: you're out of breath. Breath work is a technique that
Speaker 1: can help you with all kind of not just mental
Speaker 1: health issues, but also physical health issues. Anyway, I'm digressing,
Speaker 1: and I definitely do not want to do that. Let's
Speaker 1: move forward. AnyWho. When we focus our attention on our breath,
Speaker 1: we have no choice but to be in the present,
Speaker 1: because you can't breathe for yesterday, and you can't breathe
Speaker 1: for next week either. And you know I've read on
Speaker 1: Mariah Carey's interwebs the following information. Listen up to bring
Speaker 1: yourself back into the present. In a moment of stress
Speaker 1: or when you're feeling overwhelmed by the past or future,
Speaker 1: you can try this breathing exercise. Now. Listen good, you guys,
Speaker 1: because I'm about to give you a breathing exercise that
Speaker 1: you can do. First thing you want to do is
Speaker 1: breathe in and say to yourself, I am breathing in. Right.
Speaker 1: Then you breathe out, saying I am breathing out. On
Speaker 1: your next circle of breath or the next cycle, try
Speaker 1: saying to yourself, I am here, and this is now.
Speaker 1: All right, let's do it ready, I am breathing in,
Speaker 1: I am breathing out, I am here, this is now.
Speaker 1: And then you just want to lather rints and repeat.
Speaker 1: Just do it over and over and over. It's just
Speaker 1: like what I said before about meditation and or mindfulness.
Speaker 1: The thing about breath work or any other mindfulness practice
Speaker 1: is to just do that practice it. You have to
Speaker 1: continually and consistently do it to experience the results. Another
Speaker 1: great affirmation. I read that you could say to yourself
Speaker 1: when you recognize that you are obsessing about the past
Speaker 1: or the future, is write this down. I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you time to get yourself a pen or a paper,
Speaker 1: all right. What you want to say is I am
Speaker 1: present and aware of this moment. It is full and
Speaker 1: it is great, and you just repeat it over and over,
Speaker 1: over and over untill your mind is on something else,
Speaker 1: or even if your even your mind eventually becoming like clear.
Speaker 1: For the first time ever, my mind became clear. I've
Speaker 1: never experienced a moment in my life, in my waking life,
Speaker 1: where my mind was like blank. I'm always having thoughts, daydreams,
Speaker 1: movies and films are always playing in my head. Something's
Speaker 1: always going on. But I recently had some acupuncture done
Speaker 1: and my mind like went blank. I had acupuncture and
Speaker 1: some energy healing work done. Yes I am a certified
Speaker 1: black hippie other stuff. But I had it done, and
Speaker 1: while I had it done, while I was having it done,
Speaker 1: my mind like went blank, like it was nothing in there.
Speaker 1: It was the wildest shit I've ever experienced in my
Speaker 1: life because I've never experienced that, and I was trying.
Speaker 1: I was actually trying to think about something and I
Speaker 1: could not. It was amazing. It was amazing. It was
Speaker 1: like it was clearing the slate almost, And then after
Speaker 1: that I started having these weird visions. But whatever, that's
Speaker 1: neither here nor there Again, what you want to say?
Speaker 1: One more time, I'm saying it to you again, just
Speaker 1: in case you didn't get it. I am present and
Speaker 1: aware of this moment. It is full and it is great.
Speaker 1: And just keep repeating it, keep repeating it. I am
Speaker 1: present and aware of this moment. It is full and
Speaker 1: it is great. I am present and aware of this moment.
Speaker 1: It is full and it is great. And just say
Speaker 1: it over and over. You'll be surprised how repeating affirmations
Speaker 1: and mantras over and over can be extremely helpful and
Speaker 1: shifting your thought process. Remember always that our thoughts become things,
Speaker 1: and that's just how the universe works. That's just how
Speaker 1: God works, christ Na Allah, whatever you believe, that's just
Speaker 1: how it works. You say it, you say it, you
Speaker 1: say it, you say it, you say it, and then
Speaker 1: magically it appears or it happens. And if you think
Speaker 1: it and you say it enough, it's highly likely there's
Speaker 1: going to be a shift in how you think and
Speaker 1: how you process. Eventually, it does not happen overnight, Okay,
Speaker 1: it doesn't. It takes some time. Another tip for me
Speaker 1: personally is to find a channel on television or online
Speaker 1: that has scenery, like nature scenes or like the sky
Speaker 1: at night. My therapist shout out to my therapist. My
Speaker 1: therapist used to have me early on fire gaze, and I,
Speaker 1: personally I can't talk today. I personally also like to
Speaker 1: water gaze, like I love to stare at water, moving water.
Speaker 1: It really helps to calm like my spear down. But
Speaker 1: she used to have me fire gaze, and sometimes I
Speaker 1: like the cloud gaze too. On a clear sunny day.
Speaker 1: It's really fun and it feels really good. It makes
Speaker 1: me happy for some reason. That kind of makes me joyful.
Speaker 1: You know, when the clouds are like big and fluffy
Speaker 1: and white. I like it. But basically, what you're doing
Speaker 1: is you are intentionally distracting yourself or intentionally trying to
Speaker 1: clear your mind space, trying to ease up like the
Speaker 1: rapid fire brain work happening in your head at that moment.
Speaker 1: It's the act of staring at something until your mind
Speaker 1: starts to get clear and less flooded with obsessive thoughts
Speaker 1: and the shit works. Okay, trust me, And I found
Speaker 1: these techniques that I'm actually about to share with you
Speaker 1: to help you stay in the present and get focused
Speaker 1: on your awareness of the present as well. And these
Speaker 1: are some other tips that can help you. So go,
Speaker 1: get a piece of paper and a pen or something
Speaker 1: for you to write with. Okay, all right, let's go one,
Speaker 1: do a mindful body scan. Doing a body scan is
Speaker 1: a great way for you to just take report, take report,
Speaker 1: excuse me, take note of like what's happening in your body. Okay,
Speaker 1: And it's great to do in the moment and immediately
Speaker 1: get some quick results and quick feedback from your body
Speaker 1: about where you are. And all that is. All you
Speaker 1: have to do is just be still and focus all
Speaker 1: of your intention. That's what they say. And the mindfulness
Speaker 1: the guided meditations focus all of your intention on the
Speaker 1: top of your head, but you focus all of your
Speaker 1: attention and your on each part of your body, and
Speaker 1: you just go down. You can go from bottom to
Speaker 1: top if you like, or you can go from top
Speaker 1: to bottom, but don't just be all over the place
Speaker 1: and focus on your head and what it feels like.
Speaker 1: Then you focus on the back of your skull, what
Speaker 1: does it feel like? Focus on your forehead, what does
Speaker 1: it feel like? Focus on your face, Focus on your ears,
Speaker 1: the back of your neck, your shoulders, your spine, your
Speaker 1: lower back, your chest, your arms, your hands, and just
Speaker 1: go all the way down to the feet. By the
Speaker 1: time you get to your foot or your feet, you'll notice,
Speaker 1: you know, if something feels off. It's also a great
Speaker 1: way realistically, it's good to do them on a regular
Speaker 1: basis because you can start to notice if something is
Speaker 1: off in your body. It may help you to notice
Speaker 1: something before your doctor does. If you notice something and
Speaker 1: then you're like, for three days straight, I notice that
Speaker 1: the left side of my neck feels warm and it
Speaker 1: feels like it's throbbing. Hey, let me make note of that.
Speaker 1: So it's good to do mindful body scans to get
Speaker 1: like an immediate quick result to bring you back to
Speaker 1: your center or to the present. To write in a journal.
Speaker 1: This could be really helpful if you build it in
Speaker 1: as a routine. Also, journaling is a great way to
Speaker 1: follow your progress by reading what you may have previously written.
Speaker 1: It's awesome. I prefer to write and then like maybe
Speaker 1: in a year, two years, five years. I'll go back
Speaker 1: and look at my journal, and it's a really great
Speaker 1: way to just see the progress that you make, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, just to see how you've grown.
Speaker 1: And then in those moments, in those moments, excuse me,
Speaker 1: you get I know, for me, I feel intense pride.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you get sad because it's like, whoa, I was
Speaker 1: really going through a lot. But then it's like, shit,
Speaker 1: I made it out of it. I'm a g that's
Speaker 1: that gangster shit. I made it out of this. I'm
Speaker 1: reading this. This happened two years ago, and here I
Speaker 1: am two years later, still standing, knocking shit down, winning.
Speaker 1: So that's a great practice. Three. Visualize your daily goals,
Speaker 1: just like doing a body skin. This is an amazing
Speaker 1: thing for daydreamers or for everybody, but daydreamers like myself
Speaker 1: will appreciate the concept of taking some time out to
Speaker 1: just visit. I'm having a hard time speaking today. I
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on, and it's really really really
Speaker 1: starting to upset me. Okay, we not gonna have you
Speaker 1: stop me today from delivering this message to the people. Okay,
Speaker 1: I got something to say and I wanted to come
Speaker 1: out all right, it's the enemy trying to stop us
Speaker 1: from being successful. No, you won't Jesus, Jesus, Jesus AnyWho.
Speaker 1: Everybody can do this, but daydreamers will appreciate the concept
Speaker 1: of taking time out to like really think about and
Speaker 1: visualize what it is you want. You can make this
Speaker 1: as intricate or as simplistic as you choose, because you're
Speaker 1: driving the bus. After all, they are your goals. They
Speaker 1: are your daily goals. And the best part about it
Speaker 1: is that you can do it anywhere. You can do
Speaker 1: when you're driving. For me, I do my best sorting
Speaker 1: and compartmentalizing of my thoughts in the shower in the morning.
Speaker 1: I actually unintentionally do this exact thing every single day,
Speaker 1: like I just get in. I don't do it on purpose.
Speaker 1: It just happens. And it's a small but effective way
Speaker 1: to process and prepare your thoughts around the things you
Speaker 1: might want to tackle each day. Like you just process,
Speaker 1: It's like a notes app or a reminder app in
Speaker 1: your brain for the day, for every day. And lastly,
Speaker 1: number four, get out in nature take a mindful nature walk.
Speaker 1: We all know the effects of being in nature and
Speaker 1: letting your skin touch the elements and if you don't know,
Speaker 1: I talk about it from time to time. It's a
Speaker 1: great way to connect to For me, it's a great
Speaker 1: way to connect to God because God is nature, right.
Speaker 1: God is the water at the beach. God is the
Speaker 1: sand at the beach. God is the wind when you're
Speaker 1: driving and you roll your window down. God is the
Speaker 1: sun beaming down on your skin. God is the earth
Speaker 1: underneath your feet. That is a great way to reconnect.
Speaker 1: Backed backed, I swear to Goodness like this is out
Speaker 1: of control, dude, like this, What in the world is that.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.
Speaker 1: That's what I don't I want it to stop. But
Speaker 1: look at this, I don't have any control over because
Speaker 1: that's what's coming out of my mouth. I'm gonna leave
Speaker 1: it the way it is, and I could edit it out,
Speaker 1: but you know what the truth of the matter is.
Speaker 1: If I'm talking about stand present in the moment, like
Speaker 1: I have an energy, something is going on and I
Speaker 1: want to get this out and I want to get
Speaker 1: this to you. And if I had to stop and
Speaker 1: edit it every five minutes, like it's gonna throw me
Speaker 1: off course. And I want to get this. I want
Speaker 1: to get it out of me. I want to say
Speaker 1: it right back to what I was saying. Okay, I
Speaker 1: will not allow this to stop me. Let's move forward.
Speaker 1: It's a great way to reconnect back to the earth
Speaker 1: and to that which we do not control, because we
Speaker 1: don't control the elements at all. So try it sometimes.
Speaker 1: It could be a five minute walk and it could
Speaker 1: be very very helpful for you to get you to
Speaker 1: just focus on where you are, what you are, and
Speaker 1: who you are in this very moment right now. So
Speaker 1: try it out now. Of course, I'm going to say
Speaker 1: this one more time before I wrap the segment up.
Speaker 1: You can do all of these things. They are supportive,
Speaker 1: They're like supporting actors in a big film or big
Speaker 1: TV show. They are helpful. They are your side dishes
Speaker 1: at Thanksgiving right. But the best piece of advice I
Speaker 1: could give anyone is to seek out professional help. In
Speaker 1: the show notes, there's a link to find a personal
Speaker 1: counselor or therapist so that you can get to the
Speaker 1: root of why you navigate the way that you do. Okay,
Speaker 1: Then once you get to the why, you can hit
Speaker 1: the what, the who, the where, the when, and how,
Speaker 1: especially the how how can I actively work toward healing
Speaker 1: this piece of myself. How do I work on being
Speaker 1: my best self every day? How do I navigate life
Speaker 1: when I'm not being my best self? If you don't
Speaker 1: get go get a therapist. Job, go, get a therapist,
Speaker 1: go ahead. Which is scared of healing is ugly. I
Speaker 1: say it all the time. Healing is ugly. Healing is hard,
Speaker 1: It is not fun. It is really hard, hard, hard work.
Speaker 1: And just having a therapist is not enough. Because see
Speaker 1: some people they just get a therapist, they go to therapy,
Speaker 1: and they think that that's it. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. You get a therapist, you build a mindfulness practice,
Speaker 1: You meditate, you exercise, you drink tea at night, you journal,
Speaker 1: you find a support group, you get a hobby, you
Speaker 1: spend time alone, You start writing poetry, you pain, you
Speaker 1: get into plants, you learn about skincare. Like, you have
Speaker 1: to do more than just get the therapist. But the
Speaker 1: therapist will guide you based on who you are. That's
Speaker 1: another thing. The therapist is there to guide you based
Speaker 1: on who you are. Some people think that you know,
Speaker 1: I remember somebody told me I was talking to them
Speaker 1: about something I was dealing with, like maybe two years ago,
Speaker 1: and they said, well, doesn't your therapist have you journaling?
Speaker 1: And I was like, no, actually, we don't do that.
Speaker 1: And then she was like, well, doesn't I think your
Speaker 1: therapist needs to give you homework? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't. We don't do that. That's not how it
Speaker 1: works with me and my therapist because that's I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm not as receptive to that form of therapy. I
Speaker 1: don't need to go do no homework because when I
Speaker 1: come into therapy, I'm balls to the wall, I'm ready,
Speaker 1: I'm telling her everything. I'm working through things in the session.
Speaker 1: You know, I usually don't have to go and process
Speaker 1: things and bring them back, go and process things and
Speaker 1: write them down, because I'm processing them in that moment,
Speaker 1: in that session, because my brain is like, but so
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't. That doesn't work with me, but
Speaker 1: it may be helpful for you, because everybody does not
Speaker 1: process information in the same way. But healing is ugly
Speaker 1: and it's a lot of work. But I swear, and
Speaker 1: I you know, I don't usually say this, but I
Speaker 1: swear to God, I swear to you. I promise you
Speaker 1: one gazillion, tri billion percent that the reward is worth
Speaker 1: the risk because I get that therapy is scary. I
Speaker 1: get that people would be afraid because of the stigma, because,
Speaker 1: especially in our community, only crazy people go to therapy. Well,
Speaker 1: God damn, I'm crazy then because I go, I go.
Speaker 1: And that's just simply not true. Or I can fix it,
Speaker 1: or I'm gonna just give it to God, or I'm
Speaker 1: a just you know, direct my attention to something else,
Speaker 1: or I'm gona just focus on my kids. I'm just
Speaker 1: focus on my marriage. No, motherfucker, focus on you. How
Speaker 1: about that. That's the problem. You so focused on everything else.
Speaker 1: Focus on you and getting you together. Get your shit together,
Speaker 1: get you right. Then you can be a better mother.
Speaker 1: You can be a better friend. You can be a
Speaker 1: better sister, a better aunt, a better cousin, a better father,
Speaker 1: a better grandfather, a better grandmother, a better wife, a
Speaker 1: better husband, a better teacher, a better checkout person at Walmart,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, a better person on the fries, whatever
Speaker 1: it is you do, a better Amazon driver, whatever it
Speaker 1: is you do. Focus on you. Get you together first,
Speaker 1: and then you can be better for the people around you.
Speaker 1: I promise you, the reward is so worth the risk.
Speaker 1: I absolutely promise I love y'all. All right for today's
Speaker 1: straight Fact segment. It is a question or I have
Speaker 1: a question or we have a question, because we in
Speaker 1: this together. It's us. We is together and you spell
Speaker 1: together da ge va together. The question says, how do
Speaker 1: you know when it is time to walk away from
Speaker 1: a friend? Ooh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I have a
Speaker 1: friend that is exhausting. She is a whiner and always
Speaker 1: complaining about something. She's a bit selfish and only thinks
Speaker 1: of herself or how she benefits from something. I'm at
Speaker 1: a point in my life life where I only want
Speaker 1: people in my life that bring me joy. Child. I'll
Speaker 1: get it, honey, I get it. But anyway, I digress.
Speaker 1: We have been friends for decades. Is it okay to
Speaker 1: walk away? Limit my time with her or cut her off, etc.
Speaker 1: Do I need to give her a reason for my
Speaker 1: decision to keep her at a distance? And this is
Speaker 1: from Joyce and Joyce is writing us from Jasper, Texas. Joyce,
Speaker 1: you know, Joyce, I know a little bit about this.
Speaker 1: I have been in this position a few times and
Speaker 1: I actually have to stop and ask myself at one point,
Speaker 1: like what the fuck is wrong with you? Is it you? Like?
Speaker 1: Is it me? Am? I the drama? And then I
Speaker 1: just had to stop and think that you know, you know,
Speaker 1: like your intuition tells you what you need to know.
Speaker 1: That your intuition is a gift. I think I said
Speaker 1: this either the last episode or two episodes ago. It's
Speaker 1: a gift from God where God is just whispering to you. Now,
Speaker 1: whether you decide to listen to the whispers or not,
Speaker 1: that's on you. But it's a gift. It's a gift
Speaker 1: of insight, right you know whether or not it's time
Speaker 1: to walk away from this friend. Sometimes you don't know
Speaker 1: if it's time or not, and you are put in
Speaker 1: this position where it's like I don't know what to do,
Speaker 1: but it is you can't see me, but I'm taking
Speaker 1: my classes off. Actually it is really difficult to do.
Speaker 1: So if you don't know how to put your big
Speaker 1: girl panties on, you may not be ready to do
Speaker 1: it because it's difficult and it's a really, really really
Speaker 1: it hurts right because it's like you are grieving a relationship.
Speaker 1: It's like a death because it's the death of a relationship,
Speaker 1: it's the death of a friendship and you said, you
Speaker 1: guys have been friends for decades. That shit hurts, man,
Speaker 1: And it happened to me a few years ago, and
Speaker 1: I still am sad about it. I still sometimes miss
Speaker 1: my friend. I still grieve the loss of our relationship.
Speaker 1: But like certain circumstances took place that just let me know,
Speaker 1: like that, you know, certain things have happened that just
Speaker 1: make me feel like we can't really come back from that,
Speaker 1: you know. And so if I am a firm believer
Speaker 1: that kind of like what you said, Like in my life,
Speaker 1: I only want people who you said, let me read
Speaker 1: what you said. I'm at a point in my life
Speaker 1: where I only want people in my life that bring
Speaker 1: me joy for me, I only want people in my
Speaker 1: life that add to the value of my life. And
Speaker 1: I don't mean that in like a selfish way, but
Speaker 1: I mean that in a way like if you are
Speaker 1: only here to take. And sometimes it's not a conscious taking,
Speaker 1: it's a subconscious taking, you know what I mean. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's not malicious, you know what I mean. Sometimes when
Speaker 1: friendships and it's not because one person is bad or
Speaker 1: the other person is bad, it just means that we
Speaker 1: are no longer as good together as we may have
Speaker 1: been before, and that's any relationship. And so it really
Speaker 1: is just based on what you are willing to deal with, right,
Speaker 1: Because certain things for certain people are just deal breakers
Speaker 1: for me, betrayal for me when a friend breaks my heart,
Speaker 1: Like I can't do that because like I'm already deal
Speaker 1: You know, you out here, you dealing with dudes or
Speaker 1: women or whatever it is that you deal with people,
Speaker 1: deal within relationships, whatever it is, whoever it is, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't really care what other people deal with I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. For me, I'm out here dealing with dudes.
Speaker 1: You know, men are going to break your heart. Like
Speaker 1: in romantic relationships, hearts will be broken, right, Feelings will
Speaker 1: get hurt. I don't want friendships where my friends break
Speaker 1: my heart. I put a lot of stock into my
Speaker 1: friendships my friends. My friends are people that I have
Speaker 1: chosen to be my family. I do not want you
Speaker 1: to break my heart. I feel like my friends are
Speaker 1: my safe space, Like I don't really have to worry
Speaker 1: about that with them. So I think that it's really
Speaker 1: just about you deciding, like how much more of it
Speaker 1: are you willing to take? Another question I have is
Speaker 1: have you had a conversation with her about it now.
Speaker 1: Some people say, you know, you need to tell them.
Speaker 1: Some people you just can't talk to. And if she's
Speaker 1: been your friend for decades, you know her very well.
Speaker 1: You know whether or not she's the kind of person
Speaker 1: you can sit down and have a conversation with. You
Speaker 1: know whether or not she's the kind of person that
Speaker 1: takes accountability for her behavior or her actions. And some
Speaker 1: grown people just ain't got that. Unfortunately, some grown people
Speaker 1: are not emotionally mature enough to handle accountability. Those are
Speaker 1: not the kind of people I want around me because
Speaker 1: I don't have time to navigate accountability for my actions
Speaker 1: and accountability for your actions. Ain't nobody got time for that? Nope,
Speaker 1: I mean I just just, quite frankly, I don't. I
Speaker 1: just don't have time for it. So exactly, so, I
Speaker 1: think that you know, I can't tell you whether or
Speaker 1: not it's okay to walk away from her, or limit
Speaker 1: your time with her, or cut her off. What I
Speaker 1: will say is that you know if it's okay, and
Speaker 1: you know, if it's what you want to do, do
Speaker 1: what you want to do, and don't do what you
Speaker 1: don't want to do. Maybe something that you can start
Speaker 1: doing is just limiting your time like you already got it,
Speaker 1: limit my time with her. I've had to do this
Speaker 1: with a friend. I didn't cut her off. I just
Speaker 1: cut her back. I'm gonna tell you something that I hate.
Speaker 1: I don't like grown I don't like temper tantrums at all.
Speaker 1: When kids do that. When kids have temper tantrums, it
Speaker 1: drives me knucking futs. It gets on my nerves. I
Speaker 1: do not like it. But they're kids. Adults throw in
Speaker 1: temper tantrums. Oh no, Mimi can't do that. I can't
Speaker 1: do Adults throw on temper tantrums. Grow up and use
Speaker 1: your words. So I've had to cut some friends back,
Speaker 1: and I've had to cut some friends off. Maybe if
Speaker 1: you're not sure, and if you're that aware of it,
Speaker 1: and it seems like it's brewing, you know my most
Speaker 1: of the time in cases with me, it was a
Speaker 1: sharp thing that happened. It was just like boom right,
Speaker 1: and I have to like think on the fly and move.
Speaker 1: But it seems like this is something that you've been
Speaker 1: like brewing in and or like stewing in. Excuse me,
Speaker 1: So just limit your time, cut her back, don't cut
Speaker 1: her off, cut her back and see what happens, and
Speaker 1: maybe you know, you never know, she may be emotionally
Speaker 1: immature and emotionally mature enough to say, hey, I notice
Speaker 1: you've been acting kind of weird lately. You know, I
Speaker 1: haven't been talking to you as much. I haven't been.
Speaker 1: And if she breaches the topic, or broaches the topic,
Speaker 1: whatever the hell the word is, if she brings it up,
Speaker 1: then maybe have the conversation with her, if you think
Speaker 1: she'll be receptive to the conversation, and you can say,
Speaker 1: you know, I got to be really honest with you sometimes,
Speaker 1: you know, you wine and complain a lot, and it
Speaker 1: brings down my vibe, it changes my energy. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be around that because I want to live
Speaker 1: in a space of gratitude. I want to be grateful
Speaker 1: for this moment, for everything that I have, because I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm blessed or I feel like I am
Speaker 1: privileged to have the things that I have, including our friendship.
Speaker 1: But you whine and complain so much it makes me uneasy.
Speaker 1: I don't like it, and I don't like to be
Speaker 1: around it because maybe nobody ever told her. And if
Speaker 1: you don't want to do that, well you always got
Speaker 1: the option to cut her off. But I will say this,
Speaker 1: you cut people off, you have to grieve the loss
Speaker 1: of the relationship. And I will tell you the shit
Speaker 1: is not easy. It is heavy. I still to this
Speaker 1: day grieve the loss of a friend that it's been
Speaker 1: It's been almost four years and we were friends for
Speaker 1: a long, a long ass time before we could spell
Speaker 1: the word friend, we were friends. I still grieve the
Speaker 1: loss of that friendship to this day. I get sad
Speaker 1: about it, sometimes even cry about it because I miss her.
Speaker 1: But the chips have fallen where they may. So when
Speaker 1: it comes to giving her a reason for your decision,
Speaker 1: that's on you. You ain't got to do nothing you
Speaker 1: don't want to do. I ain't gonna never tell somebody
Speaker 1: you need to do something. Hell no, do you want
Speaker 1: to do it? Do you want to give her a reason?
Speaker 1: If you want to give her a reason, you can.
Speaker 1: But like I said, cut her back and then see
Speaker 1: what happens. And if she notices, truth be told based
Speaker 1: on what you're saying. If she's selfish, she may not
Speaker 1: even notice that you're cutting her back unless she's not
Speaker 1: benefiting from your friendship. And then you can talk to
Speaker 1: her about it. If you choose to don't give me
Speaker 1: the line telling you what to do won't be me.
Speaker 1: Do whatever you want this. Thanks for writing and Joyce.
Speaker 1: I hope everything works out friends. For today's we got
Speaker 1: to do better segments. Sometimes I worry that I am
Speaker 1: recycling quotes and not necessarily jams, but quotes and stuff.
Speaker 1: And then I thought about the fact that you know,
Speaker 1: being present, everything is as it should be, and if
Speaker 1: that means that it's coming back or I'm recycling it
Speaker 1: subconsciously or unintentionally, that means that I need to say
Speaker 1: it again and somebody else that may not have heard
Speaker 1: it on another episode needs to hear it. I don't
Speaker 1: think that I have. I know I've definitely shared quotes
Speaker 1: from this person before, but I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: this one. But anyway, today's quote comes from one of
Speaker 1: our aunties, powerful Auntie Audrey Lord, and she says, once
Speaker 1: we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we
Speaker 1: recognize that we can feel deeply, love deeply, and can
Speaker 1: feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of
Speaker 1: our lives produce that kind of joy. Come on, now,
Speaker 1: come on now. Once we recognize what it is that
Speaker 1: we are feeling, so Boom. First get into it and
Speaker 1: figure out what it is. Then, she says, once we
Speaker 1: recognize that we can feel deeply, love deeply and feel joy.
Speaker 1: So then we recognize, wait a minute, I got the
Speaker 1: deep feels, I got the deep love, and I'm full
Speaker 1: of joy. And we tap into how we navigate and
Speaker 1: how we feel when we are feeling the deep the
Speaker 1: deep love, the deep happiness, the deep feelings, and the
Speaker 1: intense joy. When you realize how life looks and what
Speaker 1: life looks like, and what you look like, and what
Speaker 1: you feel like, what you sound like, what you exude,
Speaker 1: when you are in that space of deep feelings and
Speaker 1: deep love and feeling intense joy, you will start to
Speaker 1: demand that every aspect of your life is that way.
Speaker 1: It's just like what Joy's just said. I'm in a
Speaker 1: space now where I only want people in my life
Speaker 1: to bring me joy Boom, because the truth of the
Speaker 1: matter is that that is our birthright. Joy, happiness, love, peace,
Speaker 1: Those things are our birthright. So if that ain't in
Speaker 1: whatever you in, then you need to get out of it.
Speaker 1: Quite simply, I'm going to read it one more time.
Speaker 1: Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once
Speaker 1: we recognize that we can feel deeply loved, deeply and
Speaker 1: can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts
Speaker 1: of our lives produce that kind of joy. Thank you
Speaker 1: to Auntie Audrey Lord. The first thing that I want
Speaker 1: to do is say thank you to God first, because
Speaker 1: God is supreme and I recognize and appreciate the grace
Speaker 1: and mercy that God extends to me every single day
Speaker 1: of my black ass life. I want to say thank
Speaker 1: you to my people. I want to say thank you
Speaker 1: to each and every one of you that's been rocking
Speaker 1: with me since day one, ever since March the first
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty. Thank you, thank you, thank you, truly
Speaker 1: appreciate you for being here. And even if you just
Speaker 1: started listening today, even if you just started listening last week,
Speaker 1: even if you just started listening on June the thirteenth,
Speaker 1: I want to say thank you because I'm grateful. I'm
Speaker 1: thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends, my
Speaker 1: friends and ken, all of my supporters, and of course,
Speaker 1: most importantly, I want to thank all of you out
Speaker 1: there listening. I love you guys so much, and it
Speaker 1: is such an honor and a privilege for me to
Speaker 1: share my time and my energy with you, especially if
Speaker 1: you keep coming back to spend the time with me.
Speaker 1: I look forward to the next time that we get
Speaker 1: to do this with one another, and we all know
Speaker 1: that will be next Tuesday. Now, before you exit out
Speaker 1: of whatever streaming service you're using to listen to this,
Speaker 1: stop for a second, and if you haven't already done so,
Speaker 1: look for the subscriber follow button. Click on it if
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Speaker 1: remember that show notes are always available in the episode description.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are listening to the show, be sure to
Speaker 1: take a look at the show notes because that is
Speaker 1: where I put all of the links and other information
Speaker 1: that I mentioned during the show that you may want
Speaker 1: to check out, in addition to some stuff I just
Speaker 1: want to sh with you. Also, just so you know,
Speaker 1: the music for handing my Purse the podcast is provided
Speaker 1: by none other than Wes Baltimore's own Gloomy Tunes. I
Speaker 1: want to take a moment to give a shout out
Speaker 1: to my producers, and together we make up Brando Banjo
Speaker 1: and the Dirty Throats. Don't ask if you know, you know,
Speaker 1: And I just want to say that I look forward
Speaker 1: to you, looking forward to listening to Hand Me My
Speaker 1: Purse the podcast each and every Tuesday, and I'm out
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