WEBVTT - You Belong to the Mystery 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:10.120 Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:15.600 I'm Danny Shapiro and this is family Secrets, the secrets 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:18.079 that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:23.560 and the secrets we keep from ourselves. My guest today 0:00:23.640 --> 0:00:28.080 is Kimberly Warner. Kimberly is the founder, director, and producer 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:32.199 of Unfixed Media, a production company with a focus on 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:38.559 people with chronic, uncurable conditions. Kimberly's is a story of 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:42.800 an unfolding life that contains within it big secrets and 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:48.319 big consequences. It's also a story of courage, resilience, and 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.839 making meaning out of very hard things. And by this 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:56.040 I don't only mean personal meaning, though that would be plenty, 0:00:56.680 --> 0:01:00.680 but rather the meaning that comes from illuminating and changing 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:05.440 the lives of others through advocacy, generosity of spirit, and art. 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:11.280 Tell me about the landscape of your childhood. 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:15.800 I grew up in Wisconsin in the mid seventies and eighties, 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:19.840 and everyone thinks of Wisconsin, and we think of football 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:24.360 and cheese. But we were more like the tofu eating 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:28.399 goddess groups type of family, so we didn't quite fit in. 0:01:29.720 --> 0:01:34.040 My dad was a cardiac surgeon in a small college 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:38.040 town in Wisconsin, and my mother was a psychotherapist, and 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:45.400 they through a tumultuous slash growthful marriage. 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:49.040 They went through about. 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:53.640 Five wedding bands, which might explain the sense that they 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:57.400 were falling out of love with each other, breaking commitments 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:59.840 to each other. They actually had five years where they 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:05.840 or exploring other relationships in an open marriage and made 0:02:05.880 --> 0:02:09.080 it through all those years, but also learned a lot 0:02:09.160 --> 0:02:13.160 of tools, and so they became kind of leaders. And 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:15.280 I knew this as a child. This wasn't a secret 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.679 to us. So I knew that my parents were very 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:23.560 much into teaching conscious loving workshops and growing through the 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:27.680 pain that they had experienced together. So there was a 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:31.560 lot of growth, a lot of yelling, a lot of 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:34.160 big emotions. 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:35.200 In the house. 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:40.280 That said, we also were sort of the perfect family. 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:44.280 And I'm making air quotes as I say that, because 0:02:44.320 --> 0:02:46.560 of the status of my father and my mom and 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:49.520 the sort of the leadership roles that they carried. My 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:52.600 brother was very popular. I was a straight A student 0:02:52.639 --> 0:02:53.560 in Ballerina. 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:54.880 We lived in a. 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:57.800 Beautiful log home on a lake. We were kind of 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:02.000 looked at as the perfect warners, and I shied away 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:04.480 from that big time it was very scary to. 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:06.560 Feel that label. 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:10.400 I didn't feel it in myself, and that is probably 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:13.520 where most of the truth lies. It's just there was 0:03:13.680 --> 0:03:20.280 a really big schism between this deep onnoored sense that 0:03:20.400 --> 0:03:22.880 I felt in my own identity, in my own being, 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:28.120 and the confidence with which our family was presented to the. 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:35.320 World as a child. How did you understand that schism 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:38.280 inside of you? You know, sort of the outsides not 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:39.320 matching the insides. 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:43.960 That's a great question. What I did is I buried it. 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:51.040 I became a people pleaser. I validated myself through my 0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:57.280 surroundings instead of through my own intuition. I made sure 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:02.240 that everyone else around me was valid and happy, and 0:04:02.960 --> 0:04:05.640 I would became so good at it that I really 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:12.040 didn't feel that schism myself. Eric is three years older, 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:19.120 and it was a very popular, charismatic, just social guy, extroverted, 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:22.200 and I couldn't have been more opposite than that. 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:23.320 I was the introvert. 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:26.360 In fact, we were just speaking the other day and 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:29.599 he said when our parents would argue, when it would 0:04:29.680 --> 0:04:34.240 just blow up downstairs, he found an escape route through 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.000 his window, and that was his way of dealing with 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:39.560 it because it was just too much to tolerate, and 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.920 I remember those arguments too. But my technique was to shrink. 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:47.240 I call it sort of the shrink wrapped version of 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:50.080 myself or the fight fight er freeze. 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:50.960 I was the freezer. 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:54.560 So I would just freeze and shrink down as a 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:55.480 coping mechanism. 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:59.800 So your brother would literally leave the house and you would. 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:02.200 Of yourself exactly. 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:06.280 It's kind of an amazing irony that your parents were 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:09.680 leading these conscious loving workshops and at the same time 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:14.159 had this really volatile relationship themselves. I mean, I don't 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:16.919 know what a conscious loving workshop is. Did you know 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.520 as a child? Did you Were you aware of kind 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:24.240 of what your parents were doing as leaders in that community. 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:30.039 Partially I knew that it was very psychological. My mother 0:05:30.080 --> 0:05:32.720 would bring in that aspect of it through her marriage 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:36.960 and family counseling training, and it was also a lot 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:41.280 of stress management techniques that my father was bringing in 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:45.360 through his work with as a cardiac surgeon. But extending 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:49.840 beyond that into more of the energy medicine, biofeedback, some 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.640 of the things that are more common now, breathing exercises, 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:56.520 they do, these crash courses of Okay, we've got a 0:05:56.560 --> 0:05:59.800 weekend workshop coming up at Wagging Wheel, and we need 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:02.560 to bullet point what we're going to be discussing with 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:07.360 our couples, and so I would these large, colorful blodderboards 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:12.720 and they would basically have exercises, techniques, a lot of 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:17.960 eye gazing, a lot of journaling, a lot of truth telling. Later. 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:22.760 I know that my father got involved with the Tantra 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:26.599 community in Hawaii, and while they didn't teach Tntra, I 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:30.560 know that my dad was learning a lot from that 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:34.320 community as well. My mom was a little more hands 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:36.760 off with it and so it wasn't brought into their 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:40.159 work as leaders, But I know that my dad was 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:41.920 learning a lot from that space as well. 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:46.080 Tell me about your mom, I mean, the mother of 0:06:46.160 --> 0:06:46.960 your childhood. 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:49.560 Oh my mom. 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:54.360 Well, this is hard to talk about because I love 0:06:54.440 --> 0:06:59.360 her dearly and she was young. You know, she was 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:02.200 a good Christian when she met my dad. 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:03.200 In fact, she was. 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:07.680 Called Parson Larsen at university and their first kiss Haddock 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:12.160 Bible between the two of them. So for them to 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:17.200 abandon Christianity, study Buddhism, make a meditation room. 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:19.760 You know, in the progression. 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:25.200 Of her evolution as a spiritual, loving human being, was 0:07:25.280 --> 0:07:30.600 quite dramatic. What I remember from her reminds me a 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:34.680 little bit of Betty Draper from mad Men. There was 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:39.240 so much pain beneath the surface, but she had to 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:42.600 keep it all together. My dad was very chaotic with 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:49.240 his emotions, with his schedule, his commitments, and so for her, 0:07:50.040 --> 0:07:55.320 she did her very very best to raise a good family, 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:59.280 help Eric and I feel safe, but at the cost 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:04.160 of feeling like there was a truthfulness in her own 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:08.320 being and therefore, by default me feeling like it was 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.040 safe for me to feel truthful with my feeling like 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.120 it needed to be a certain way in order to 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:19.120 keep up the appearances of this, because if one thread 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:25.480 was pulled, the whole thing would unravel. And she, to 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:31.400 her credit, dug deeply into this place of forgiving over 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:34.880 and over again with my father because of the affairs 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:39.440 and trying to grow herself with this. This is my partner, 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:41.800 this is what he's going to be doing, so okay, 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:44.120 then I might as well do it as well. And 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.560 let's open this marriage up, let's go to therapy, let's 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.320 figure this out. And if you're going to have affairs, 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:50.000 then I'm going to have. 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:51.000 A relationship too. 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:54.280 And she needed to grow herself. And I know she 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:57.679 said that, but I think my brother calls it we 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.000 were a little fearal, if that makes it, because there 0:09:01.120 --> 0:09:05.200 was so much drama in their relationship. My mom did 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:07.160 a great job at making sure the meals were there, 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:10.960 the ballet classes were paid for, the family trips were planned, 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:15.040 the house was beautiful, But emotionally, I think my brother 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.400 and I were pretty fearal, left to figure it out. 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.720 On our own, if that makes sense. 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:27.719 Kimberly doesn't just freeze and leave herself as a teenager. 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:32.000 She starts to exhibit some pretty severe anxiety symptoms and behaviors, 0:09:32.640 --> 0:09:36.120 only she doesn't know what she's anxious about. After all, 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:39.360 despite her parents' arguments, they are seen as a model 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:42.800 couple and the Warners are a model family looked up 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:46.160 to by their community. All is perfect on the surface, 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:50.680 but definitely not perfect on the inside, so Kimberly is 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:52.840 left to come up with her own solutions. 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:59.319 My solution was to control everything within myself, because if 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.200 something was even though it didn't appear on the surface, 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:04.600 then I decided it must be me. The thing that's 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.800 wrong must be me, And I know I'm not alone 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:10.600 in that. When you can't identify the trauma out in 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:11.600 the world when. 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:12.640 The secret is buried. 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:17.679 I don't think it's the only way, but I internalized 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.480 it and said, something's wrong with me. So I did 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.000 a pretty good job for a while until I couldn't 0:10:24.520 --> 0:10:28.000 fixing the thing that was, whatever that flavor of the 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:30.840 month was that was wrong. I had a few earlier 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:34.880 traumas with my body with a developmental need disorder, but 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:37.920 that eventually passed. But I remember the first thing that 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:43.200 really got me was when I started getting pimples, and. 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:45.920 It was so. 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:53.280 I felt so helpless, and I would lock myself in 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:58.680 the bathroom for hours and hours and hours and pick 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:03.760 at my skin, tried masks and scrub and I even 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:08.239 started taking my brother's tetracycling, even though it wasn't my prescription. 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:10.920 I just popped them like pills because I heard that 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:11.959 was supposed to help. 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:16.120 I would plead at night. 0:11:16.800 --> 0:11:19.800 I would leave the bathroom after just an inflamed face 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:22.440 of skin picking and scrubbing, and I. 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:23.559 Wanted nothing more. 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:26.680 Deep down, I couldn't tell this to myself, but deep 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:29.800 down I wanted to be held and loved for who 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:32.680 I was, for the big mess that I had just created. 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:34.479 I was like bringing the mess. 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:38.640 Inside out to the surface, and I wanted to be 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:40.800 witnessed in it, and I wanted to be loved in it. 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:42.520 But of course that's not what I did. 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:46.360 I would belining it straight to the bedroom and make 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:48.959 please with the universe that my skin would get better. 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:55.160 And this tormented me for years. And I'm not even 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:58.360 I didn't even have acne. I mean, this is to 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.320 the level where I would probably we talked to junior 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:03.959 high friends and high school friends and then goa, what 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:06.840 you didn't have skin or whatever. 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:10.280 So I was really really. 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:15.000 Anxious and agitated and becoming more and more hyper vigilant 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:18.720 around any sort of tiny little change that I would 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:20.640 sense in my body because that was the only thing 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:21.880 I felt like I could control. 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.600 Did you know it was anxiety? Did you have that 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:30.360 language or that knowledge or it was just you know, 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:36.200 these kinds of obsessions and compulsions and behaviors that were 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:39.760 like I have no idea why I'm doing this, but 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:40.880 I have to keep doing it. 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:43.040 That's exactly what it was. 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:47.920 And it was really just goal oriented. It was I 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.720 have to fix my skin. I mean I didn't even 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:51.839 allow room. 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:53.120 For why am I doing this. 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:58.520 I would feel the pain afterwards of why did I 0:12:58.679 --> 0:13:04.000 do that, But in the compulsion, it was just this, 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:08.320 I have to fix it. There's no option here to 0:13:08.440 --> 0:13:09.000 be broken. 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:12.880 There's no option here to feel the. 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:17.960 Chaos that I feel inside. And I think that was 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:22.360 a direct mirroring that my mom was feeling. There is 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.800 no option for me to feel this absolute chaos in 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:28.440 this marriage because I have to hold it all together. 0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:32.800 And what were some of the other ways in which 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:38.319 the anxiety expressed itself during those years you've talked about, 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:41.360 you know, sort of the freezing up, the inability to 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:46.040 make decisions, that making yourself as small and invisible as 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:47.040 you possibly. 0:13:46.640 --> 0:13:51.800 Could yeap and really getting a sixth sense for what 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:57.920 other people wanted to hear and feel and see. And 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:02.880 so I aversion of the shrink wrapping. Nobody probably would 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:06.760 say I was introverted, because I also developed a really 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:11.640 good social extroverted self in order to please the people 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:15.199 that needed me to be that way. So I definitely 0:14:15.280 --> 0:14:22.200 had a chameleon quality that was ultimately the goal was 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:29.680 to protect that fragile, vulnerable truth that was me, and 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:32.880 that was the part that was never allowed to surface. 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:36.200 The chameleon could surface. So it varied. 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:40.560 The techniques varied based on the environments that I was. 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:48.400 In during this fragile and vulnerable time. In Kimberly's teenage life, 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.280 she and her mom are on a walk one day 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.480 when her mom tells her in a very blunt and 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:57.840 academic kind of way, that it's possible her father isn't 0:14:57.960 --> 0:14:59.920 in fact her biological father. 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:09.160 So I was seventeen, and the way my mom tells 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:16.360 it is that my dad had had one night experimental 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:20.760 situation with person after they had already closed their open marriage, 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:26.840 and so he was feeling ashamed, and on the heels 0:15:26.840 --> 0:15:29.160 of that, he said, well, I think you need to 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:34.280 tell Kim about the possibility that I'm not her father. 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:40.120 So this is something that your parents kind of sort 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:44.200 of had a inkling about, but then shoved that inkling 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:46.960 away and didn't really discuss it with each other. Certainly 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:48.800 didn't discuss it with you. 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:51.160 No, and they but I also get the sense that 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:51.920 they put it. 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:58.760 Away the night that the conception happened in Canada. My 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:00.840 mother came home the next day. I told my dad 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:06.800 I was born eight months later, and it was buried. 0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:08.200 At that point. 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.600 My dad remembers once looking at me as an infant 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:17.320 and feeling like wishy mine, and he felt like, psychically 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:20.360 or something that he was worried. I could hear his 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:24.480 thoughts or feel his insecurity, and so he put it away. 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:27.520 You know, of course nothing gets put away that easily. 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:31.520 But the way that I've been told, and up until 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:35.520 the age seventeen, it was not discussed. There was there 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:39.040 was not even a question in my mind you know 0:16:39.080 --> 0:16:43.720 who my dad was. I have a pretty good delete 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:48.720 button on some memories in my life, so I guess 0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:51.080 you couldn't call the memories if I'm deleting them. But 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:56.120 I remember that it was around the lake, and I 0:16:56.160 --> 0:17:00.120 remember that it was an overcast day, and I I 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:04.239 was a little confused by why my mom wanted to 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:07.280 take me for a walk, because usually it was more 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:10.639 of a jogging type of thing where she took the 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:13.119 jogging movement happened in the eighties and she took that 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.360 on and so that's usually how we would. 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:20.439 Spend our time together. And this was a walk. 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:24.679 And I remember as we sort of turned the corner 0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:28.879 around closer as we emerged towards High Cliff, which is 0:17:29.000 --> 0:17:32.560 got like a golf course and a country club. She said, 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.679 I your father wants me to know that there's a 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:42.400 chance that he's not your father. And in that same breath, 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:48.359 she said, but isn't it wonderful knowing that you belong 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:55.200 to the mystery? And I sensed a very strong need 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.919 for this to be a happy story, for this to 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:02.440 be a positively beautiful thing. And of course she's trying 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:06.600 to protect me. Ugh, I mean, okay, I've got to 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:12.480 tell my daughter this. So I don't think there was 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:15.159 a fraction of a second where I allowed myself to 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:19.760 really fall into what she had just said. I quickly 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:21.800 went to how am I supposed to respond to this? 0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:24.280 And she gave it to me. She fed it right 0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:27.080 to me. She said, well, it's cool you belong to 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:29.439 the mystery. And I'm like, yeah, that's cool. 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:30.200 Right. 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:35.720 It was as if the executive functioning of my brain 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:40.560 turned off, and you know, just tell me what to say. 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:46.200 So later in life, you know, my mother says that 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:50.080 that's actually not what happened. That it was me that 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:53.360 said isn't it cool that I belonged to the mystery. 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:58.480 I just don't remember saying that. But I also don't 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:03.439 leave that as out as a possibility, because again, I 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:06.320 was trying to read what I needed to be in 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:09.119 this situation, and I very clearly knew that I needed 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:12.879 to be optimistic and positive and that this is a 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:14.479 beautiful story. 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:15.920 So that's where it was left. 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:18.760 And I truly I don't remember talking about it with 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:23.119 my dad, none of my friends. I don't even remember 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:26.320 thinking about it after that walk, Right. 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:27.760 You put that beautiful story away. 0:19:28.280 --> 0:19:33.320 I put it away. Yeah, that lovely story away. 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:38.359 So was that lovely story tucked away? Life in the 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:42.639 Warner family continues in its usual fashion, school dinners, the 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:46.359 planning of trips, but then tragedy strikes. 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:54.520 In my senior year, spring break, we have a family 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:58.280 vacation to go to Mexico. My brother's meeting us from 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:01.560 Colorado University of col Colorado. He's there and he's going 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:03.720 to fly to Cancun and meet us all there. 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:05.320 My dad. 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:09.280 The night before we are to drive to the Milwaukee airport, 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:12.120 which is about a two hour drive, he was at 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:14.679 a retirement party for one of the nurses at the 0:20:14.680 --> 0:20:16.680 hospital and he had. 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:18.760 To or was dressed up as Willie Nelson. 0:20:19.359 --> 0:20:21.280 His two partners were also dressed up, and I think 0:20:21.320 --> 0:20:23.960 they sang some tunes, and of course there was drinking. 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:23.840 And. 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:29.919 Somebody from the party actually asked if he would like 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:33.879 a drive home because they noticed he'd been drinking more 0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:38.160 than usual. And they said to us that he grabbed 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:40.359 the keys and said, I'm my own man. 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:43.879 And I thought that was interesting. 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:47.919 That was a choice that he made to take it 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:52.600 on and be responsible for his commitment to just being 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:55.280 the man that he thought he was supposed to be. 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:58.320 He got in the car and he drove home, which. 0:20:58.080 --> 0:21:00.960 Is probably a twenty minute drive, and we had already 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:07.000 left because he was late, and my mom in a frenzy. 0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:10.560 I remember gathering our bags in the house and it's 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:12.760 almost it's two am. You know, we're supposed to be 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:15.520 at the Milwaukee airport at four am. And he's not here. 0:21:15.600 --> 0:21:18.439 He's not here, he's not here. She scribbled off a 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:22.400 note that said meet us at the airport. I'm pissed 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:27.360 and underline, underline, underline, and left it on the counter 0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:30.240 or on the bed or something. He got home about 0:21:30.240 --> 0:21:34.640 thirty minutes later and found that and threw a bag together. 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:42.720 So he got on the highway and I think he 0:21:42.960 --> 0:21:46.639 was nearly to the Milwaukee airport. It was probably forty 0:21:46.640 --> 0:21:54.640 five minutes from there, and he got tired, and as 0:21:54.680 --> 0:21:56.679 my mother said he would do when he was tired, 0:21:56.760 --> 0:21:58.879 he would put his hand through the sun roof and 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:02.840 sort of get some fresh air on his hand. Happened 0:22:02.880 --> 0:22:05.119 to be that the sun was rising at that moment, 0:22:05.240 --> 0:22:08.680 because the car behind him had seen this. He waved 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:12.360 at the rising sun and then swerved over and hit 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:15.119 a mac truck head on and was killed. 0:22:16.320 --> 0:22:18.320 We did not know. 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:24.720 We got on the plane and received a little napkin 0:22:25.040 --> 0:22:27.080 on the plane that said call this number. 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:29.399 It was this is the flight attendant had given it 0:22:29.440 --> 0:22:30.000 to us, and. 0:22:30.640 --> 0:22:32.720 You know, we just thought it was some one of 0:22:32.760 --> 0:22:35.160 the cardiologists saying Dave will be late. 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:36.120 He'll be on the next light. 0:22:36.640 --> 0:22:39.280 So when we finally got to the Cancoon Airport and 0:22:39.520 --> 0:22:42.120 got through customs and my mom was able to call 0:22:42.160 --> 0:22:47.080 the number, this I do remember, maybe clearer than any 0:22:47.119 --> 0:22:52.080 memory I have from childhood. She turned to me and 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:58.720 her beautiful mouth, with her lipstick stained lips, said, Dad's dead. 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:06.200 If this was the coroner's office from Fredonia, Wisconsin. And 0:23:06.240 --> 0:23:09.520 you know, that was the end of chapter one in 0:23:09.640 --> 0:23:14.200 Kim's life. That moment, that something ended there, and. 0:23:15.680 --> 0:23:16.600 Of course. 0:23:18.119 --> 0:23:22.520 I didn't know how to feel. That my coping was denial, 0:23:22.920 --> 0:23:26.080 and I denied it all the way home. We waited 0:23:26.119 --> 0:23:29.639 for my brother to arrive, watched him fall to his 0:23:29.720 --> 0:23:35.480 knees and scream and felt all of their very open emotion, 0:23:36.160 --> 0:23:38.879 which made me feel smaller and smaller and smaller, because 0:23:39.000 --> 0:23:42.960 I didn't have space for my way, nor did I know. 0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:44.840 What my way was, but it wasn't their way. 0:23:46.000 --> 0:23:50.000 So I went into denial and then also justification, and 0:23:50.240 --> 0:23:53.840 just decided, well, he's closer to me now because he's dead. 0:23:54.880 --> 0:23:58.120 I really didn't leave room for. 0:23:59.359 --> 0:24:03.800 Any pain or sadness, real pain or sadness. 0:24:04.119 --> 0:24:06.760 I went through the motions, I went to therapy, I cried, 0:24:06.840 --> 0:24:10.960 I wrote letters to my dad, I shared something during 0:24:11.080 --> 0:24:17.920 his memorial service, but I didn't really feel the deep, 0:24:18.040 --> 0:24:20.160 deep ache and chaos. 0:24:20.680 --> 0:24:22.879 It was too much. It was too much for me. 0:24:27.000 --> 0:24:33.280 Did you in the next period of time did you 0:24:33.400 --> 0:24:39.359 return to the question of whether he was your biological father? 0:24:39.520 --> 0:24:42.480 Or did that lovely story stay buried for that period 0:24:42.520 --> 0:24:43.200 of time. 0:24:44.160 --> 0:24:44.960 Gone. 0:24:46.240 --> 0:24:51.840 Totally gone, not even if there was any bit of 0:24:51.880 --> 0:24:54.680 it that was still lingering in my psyche even before 0:24:54.800 --> 0:24:55.399 his death. 0:24:55.960 --> 0:24:58.120 His death obliterated it. 0:25:00.080 --> 0:25:03.400 I can remember walking through all the different stages of 0:25:04.080 --> 0:25:08.359 losing him and then grieving him when I went to college, 0:25:08.440 --> 0:25:12.720 and it was my alliance was one hundred percent to him, 0:25:13.160 --> 0:25:20.080 and in fact my confirmation of our similarities and how 0:25:20.160 --> 0:25:23.520 I was going to live out his destiny and you 0:25:24.000 --> 0:25:28.160