WEBVTT - Co-Parenting 101 0:00:18.720 --> 0:00:20.760 Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. 0:00:21.320 --> 0:00:27.320 I'm Miila and I'm Erica and it's Wednesday. Happy Wednesday, 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:31.680 Happy Homeday. Hope you guys are doing well. If you 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:37.280 haven't done so yet, please please please go on Apple 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:42.120 Podcasts and leave us, rate us and leave us a review. 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:44.880 Like right now, like right now, like push pause. We'll wait, 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:46.000 go do it. 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:48.000 Scroll all the way to the bottom of Apple Podcasts 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:50.840 because it's super difficult to find find where it says 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:53.680 leave it, rate and review, and please rate and review 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:55.640 our podcast if you love and support her. 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:59.760 Please because some of these podcasts have like fifteen thousand 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.840 eatings and reviews. And I'm like, yo, we got like 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:05.440 a good amount of followers on Instagram. Why are I 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:06.199 have a lot. 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:09.760 Of people listening? So can you guys just type some 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:11.720 shit that says you love us? 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.039 Thanks, thank you ya. 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:17.160 How are you doing this week? 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:20.480 I'm hot. It's hot as fuck here in the valley 0:01:20.720 --> 0:01:25.200 and I'm like, why do I live here? And I 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:32.200 don't have a pool and my air conditioning sucks, and yeah, 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:34.600 you have like two air conditioning because it's fucking hot, 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:35.600 it should don't work. 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:38.480 The valley is a very hot place. It's very deserty. 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:41.480 It's not waste any time. Let's get straight to the 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:43.120 straight to the meat and potatoes. 0:01:43.160 --> 0:01:45.520 Okay, cool. So you know we've been asked a lot 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.680 about co parenting and how we manage our co parenting 0:01:48.680 --> 0:01:53.000 schedules and if we have any tips tricks on co parenting, 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:58.160 and the answer is we do, but we're not masters. 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:00.000 We're not masters because it takes two people to mask. 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:06.000 So like you know, I am perfect, obviously, so you 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:09.280 know this is this works. These things do work whether 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:11.840 or not your co parenting situation is obvious, like if 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:18.480 it's amicable, but obviously these will be even better if 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.000 you have a great relationship with the person you went 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:23.799 half on a baby with. But either way, and. 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:26.240 Sometimes you don't have a great relationship now, but if 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:28.720 you practice some of these steps, maybe you'll get to 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:30.320 the place where you want to go. These are just 0:02:30.760 --> 0:02:35.840 ways to help two non romantic parents co parent together 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:40.639 in a successful way. People do always ask about this 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:45.400 all the time, but Eric, Eric's metaphor for this is 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:47.480 by far the best metaphor I've heard. 0:02:47.480 --> 0:02:50.119 This is what she told her baby daddy, and ever. 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.400 Since it's been sticking with me. I also told my 0:02:52.440 --> 0:02:54.120 baby daddy this after Erica said it. 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.840 Number One thing is basically, I think of your child 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:01.640 as like the super Bowl. Okay, so this is like 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:06.440 the biggest game of your life, and so often we want, 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:08.480 you know, obviously positive results. We want to win. We 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:10.600 want our kids to win, want them to be the champion. Right, 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:13.920 But you have to be able to communicate with your partner. 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:18.120 You can't lead your child to victory if you guys 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:21.360 are not on the same page about how you have 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:25.000 decided to raise your child, whether that's like how we're 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:28.880 talking about certain things, you know, how we're introducing people 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:32.679 to them, you know, just there's just so many there's 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:34.800 so many aspects to that. So I always I told 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.360 my baby daddy because he loves football, and I was like, Yo, 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:42.400 it's like like you're the quarterback and you're not, you know, 0:03:42.520 --> 0:03:45.400 telling the team the plan. So how the fuck are 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:47.280 we supposed to win the Super Bowl? There's no way 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:48.040 we're gonna fail. 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:52.440 You can't lead your child to the goal of winning 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:55.160 if you're not communicating with the coach and the team. 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:55.720 Right. 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:57.280 It's just mandatory. 0:03:57.360 --> 0:04:00.560 It's mandatory. And I think a lot of that two 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:07.320 falls under the category of stop delivering messages through your kids. 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:14.320 So communicate directly to the person you had the baby with. Now, obviously, 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:18.560 if you're listening, you're like, my naga, don't he sucks? 0:04:18.640 --> 0:04:21.120 He don't communicate. I get it. I get that part, 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.640 But you have to at least try. And maybe if 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:27.440 you know men love football, maybe if you use Erica's 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:31.080 metap babe, if mephor of the super Bowl, our baby 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:34.920 is the super Bowl and we want to lead her 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:40.160 him to victory. So therefore speak his language. Yeah, so 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:41.880 you gotta speak, You gotta speak in language. So maybe 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.599 he likes baseball, Maybe he's a golfer. I don't fucking know, 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:48.719 But figure out a sport that connects with his brain 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:54.039 and use the analogy. And I think that's the beginning 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:57.240 stages of like opening up the dialogue and understanding that 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:00.880 you both have to communicate in order or your child 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:01.479 to win. 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:05.320 With that being said, co parenting is depends on each 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.640 parent and how capable they are of being mature and 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:12.720 cooperating with the goal. So we're going to go through 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:17.520 a list of eight things ish that we think are some. 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:23.000 Very crucial co parenting tips that can lead you to success. 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:27.599 However, if you don't have the type of co parent 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.679 that is willing to be mature and communicate, the number 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:34.840 one thing is don't I mean, you have to communicate, 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:37.760 but keep it to a minimum, keep it at I 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:40.520 mean if it's just text messages. For me personally, I 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:43.480 have a up and down relationship with my co parent, 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:47.680 so I've had to draw back and give and draw 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:49.560 back and give depending on. 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:50.960 The other person. 0:05:51.160 --> 0:05:54.240 So if your person is not willing to be mature, 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.839 I've learned that I've had to cut off all other 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:01.720 communication unless it's just regarding the child. 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:04.159 I'm dropping her off, I'm picking her up, and even 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:07.360 when that doesn't work, I will mediate through a third person. 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:09.279 I won't drop off. I will drop her off at 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:10.839 your mom's. You can get her. 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:13.320 I don't. 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:16.840 Obviously that's not any way that anyone wants the situation 0:06:16.960 --> 0:06:18.839 to go. But I've learned that the more I give, 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:19.799 the more he's. 0:06:19.680 --> 0:06:22.080 What he can. He can piss me off. 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:24.880 If we have small talk, then there's room for you 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.200 to say shit that I didn't welcome and ask and 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:30.160 it's not it doesn't regard the child, So I've just 0:06:30.279 --> 0:06:34.200 kept it very minimal. Very transactional and then that's it. 0:06:34.360 --> 0:06:36.960 And I've also learned when you don't have someone that's 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:40.240 on the same page as you, you can't do shit 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:41.760 like go to Disneyland together. 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:45.240 Yeah, you know for those of you that are listening that, 0:06:45.440 --> 0:06:48.200 like you know you you you feel like your child 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:52.719 is missing out because they're not seeing you guys parent together, 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:55.760 like physically, Like we're going to the movies together because 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.120 Johnny needs to see his parents and he wants Johnny 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.719 needs memories of parents going to the movies together. No, Johnny, 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:06.440 the fuck doesn't okay, especially if you guys have not 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:12.000 really step severed ties fully emotionally. Now, don't get it twisted. 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:14.520 You're gonna be emotionally tied to this person for the 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:16.800 rest of your life because you created life with this person. 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:18.720 But you know what I mean, You like, you're still 0:07:18.720 --> 0:07:22.000 having romantic feelings, You're jealous, You're looking at his Instagram 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:24.160 every twenty seconds to see who he's posting. 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:30.480 Like if there's resentment or romantic entanglement still that exists, 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:32.080 you need to in order. 0:07:31.920 --> 0:07:36.520 To help minimize that zero peepings. 0:07:36.800 --> 0:07:42.000 It's trans You gotta be transactional essentially, Like, don't feel 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:44.560 the need to, like ask the nigga how his day 0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:47.600 is going, like, we don't need to know, like and 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:49.760 you know, and it takes two. You have to create 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:52.080 those boundaries because sometimes you're not even doing it, it's 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:53.000 the other person. 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:55.760 And then you become you. You're so caught up in 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.520 that routine that you begin to communicate that same way 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:00.000 I've done it. 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:02.360 So you have to kind of decide do you want 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:06.160 to have a amicable relationship. Sometimes that means you kind 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:08.080 of got to be a little cold and you kind 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:10.520 of have to dead that relationship in that way. So 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:13.080 you have to set those boundaries. You don't need to 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:14.840 go to Disneyland, you don't. 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:16.440 Need to go to the movie no, like And. 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.440 I had to learn that too, Like I really did, 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:21.720 because I felt like, because I didn't have that growing up. 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:25.400 I wanted Iri to see, like us do those things. 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:29.960 I wanted her to have those memories and whatever. She 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:32.480 has some of them, but I've realized that it's just 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:35.560 not healthy in the long term for our relationship in 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:39.160 co parenting to do that because it confuses and muddles 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:40.160 the line for. 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:42.880 The for the other person, sometimes for you if you're 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:44.480 the one still holding onto something and a lot of 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:47.199 times for the child. And also if you're going to 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:49.400 go somewhere and not speak to the other person anyway, 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:50.800 it's actually pointless. 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:53.160 Yeah, Like what's the point of going to dinner where 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:54.199 no one's talking. 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:56.280 And the energy is off? Kids feel energy. 0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:57.960 They may not know the complexity of what's going on 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:01.319 between mom and dad, but they know shit ain't feeling right. 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:05.000 So go with I'll never forget. I'm like, I went 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:07.640 to baby Daddy asked me that it took me out 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:09.280 for Mother's Day. This was like two years ago. It 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:11.199 was like probably the last Mother's Day we spent together, 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:14.840 and like we didn't even talk the whole time, Like 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:16.880 it was just we were just sitting there, not talking. 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:21.760 It was the most pointless. What the fuck was the point? 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:22.160 Why? 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:25.240 No point? Your child is not seeing you engage in 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:25.959 a healthy way. 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:28.280 And the truth is it kind of irritated me. It 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:30.640 actually infuriated me, and I realized this is just. 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.000 Not because I was there. I would I would have communicated. 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:34.719 He just didn't. He don't really ever know how to 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:37.760 communicate anyway. So it was just pointless. And now my 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:41.000 daughter sees that we have weird energy and we're at dinner. Okay, great, 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.720 we did this dinner, but like why yeah. 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:47.439 What are we really saying here anyway? 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.520 Yeah, so that's I would say super Bowl could be 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:51.600 considered number one. 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:54.200 But maybe that's just opening the opening statement, opening statement, 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:55.199 how to open the conversation. 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:57.840 And number two is like setting the boundaries of like 0:09:58.240 --> 0:09:58.960 are you? 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:00.319 Like there are we? 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:03.280 Let's let's be realistic about where are we in this 0:10:03.320 --> 0:10:05.960 cold parenting situation. I could want a cool parent like 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:10.400 uh Alicia Keys and her and to speeds, but. 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:12.440 If that I don't have that type of dynamic. I 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:13.360 can't do that. 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:17.000 So be realistic about measuring where if that is realistic 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:17.360 for you. 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:22.839 And third, my favorite most valuable tip. 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:25.400 I love this tip. This tip is crucial. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:29.680 Please listen up. This is important. This schedule. You have 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:32.760 to find a schedule that works for both parents. 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:35.079 And when I say both parents, I means the dad 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:37.520 needs to take those motherfucking kids too. 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:40.640 And that doesn't mean just on Saturday and Sunday. 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:43.760 Okay, there are thirty to thirty one days and every 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:48.640 month and the dad doesn't get to only get eight Okay, 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:49.680 that's just not normal. 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:51.920 We made if you went half on a baby, we 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:53.640 will go half on raising the child. 0:10:54.040 --> 0:10:56.679 So we may have heard this before, I'm gonna tell 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:58.840 you again because it's you should pay me for this 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:03.520 valuable information. You start the one week Monday Tuesday, one 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:06.959 parent has the child, Wednesday Thursday, the other parent has 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:10.400 the child Friday Saturday Sunday. Back with the parent the 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:13.320 parent from Monday and Tuesday, and then you continue to switch. 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:17.480 So Monday Tuesday, one parent, Wednesday Thursday, the other parent Friday, 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:19.120 Saturday Sunday the other parents. 0:11:19.200 --> 0:11:22.240 Basically, you always get a weekend because some I know 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.120 some moms that like never get there. They're setup is 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:28.360 that they never get a weekend ever. And I'm like why, Like, 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.280 obviously now COVID with all this shit going on, like weekends, 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:33.800 they are weeks. It doesn't matter. But at some point 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:36.160 we're gonna go back and people are gonna you need 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:36.720 your weekend. 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:38.880 I need my weekend, and not even just the weekend. 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:42.320 It's more about I send no parents who like, oh, 0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:46.040 you know, Cindy only takes the kid to school and 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:49.080 to soccer and to piano because those only fallen weekdays. 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:52.280 And then dad over here or mom whatever usually dad. 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:54.800 Let's be real gets the fun shit on the weekend, 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:57.120 you know, and it just doesn't work. It doesn't work 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:59.760 out that way. So that way, every parent is fulfilling 0:11:59.800 --> 0:12:02.520 every reroll. You know, sometimes dad has to take you 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:04.320 to piano and has to wake up his ass early 0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:08.000 and take you to school. It's constantly, it's constantly everybody 0:12:08.080 --> 0:12:10.040 is getting a chance to do everything and nobody's in 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:13.480 the dark. And then one responsibility doesn't fully fall on 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.839 the other parent, obviously depending on schedules, work schedules and vacations. 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:20.120 Hopefully, the point is is once you go there. 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:22.920 Then you can be more lenient and say, hey, maybe 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:24.480 you take these amount of days and I take this 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:26.199 amount of days, or you keep her and then I'll 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:30.160 keep her more so that it's fair and we're working 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:31.679 together and it's making sense. 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:36.040 Yeah, I mean, I definitely be flexible, but like, also. 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:38.920 Start this way so that you can go you can, 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:42.880 you can you can grow to flexibility because there's kind 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:46.080 of we've had a standard of what the schedule looks. 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:48.600 And it really gives your kid more structure so she 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:52.199 or he knows what's happening, what's coming, whose house they're 0:12:52.280 --> 0:13:00.360 going to, and they don't feel bounced around constantly. Yeah yeah, okay. 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:05.360 So number four would be give them the same courtesy 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.520 you would want them to give to you. So I 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:13.080 recently experienced this because, as you guys know, I am 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:17.280 now in a relationship, and you know when I you know, 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:20.480 early on when me and my ex broke up, I 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:22.640 told him that if he was going to introduce someone 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:24.480 to my child or she was going to be around 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:26.679 my child, I would like to know about it. I mean, 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:28.439 I was even more crazy. He was like, I need 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:32.079 to meet her. Now I've obviously, I don't think that's 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:34.160 a great idea because it doesn't even matter if I 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:36.200 meet her, because it doesn't mean that like he's not 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:39.120 going to date her and vice versa. But at least 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:45.640 give the person the respect of, you know, communicating the 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:48.760 things that you've asked them to communicate to you. So 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.120 for me, when you know, I told him that I 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:55.360 was going on a trip with my daughter and my man. 0:13:55.480 --> 0:13:58.760 Unexpectedly my daughter was going to have to come, and 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:01.840 you know, I like, I was gonna not tell him 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:04.640 because I was like whatever, Like he's the one whos 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:06.840 supposed to have her this weekend anyway, So this isn't 0:14:06.840 --> 0:14:09.360 my fault. But then think shout out to Jessica Rose. 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.680 She was like, girl, you need to if you told 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:14.520 him that, then you need to hold yourself accountable and 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.560 share that information with him. And she was extremely right, 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:21.240 and I'm glad that I did. And so I told him, 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:24.800 And so I think, whatever that means to you, whether 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:29.880 it's the dating someone, whether it's you know, being respectful, 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:33.920 whatever it is that you want from him, you need 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:37.960 to be able to do that for him as well. Obviously, 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:43.440 things take, you know, things happen, people have attitudes, are disrespectful, 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:47.560 all those things. But I'm going to encourage you to 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:51.640 always try to take the high road and not be 0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:57.200 petty all the time. Sometimes you must be petty sometimes. 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:02.000 But yeah, basically it's that good old saying to treat 0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:03.320 people how you want to be treated. 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:08.840 It's very basic, very difficult if you're not getting the like, 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:14.200 the reciprocated energy. But I think you gotta do, you know, 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:17.160 lead by example. If you're dealing with somebody who is 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:24.280 completely just dumb, Court Court is the next step. Yes, yeah, 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.119 I mean, try all these steps, but ultimately, like Court. 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:31.880 I agree, I agree, you know, I've I've shied away 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.480 from court. I have never done that, and neither is Mila, 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:38.800 because I don't know, like it hasn't gotten to that 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:43.120 point yet. Really. However, I have a friend who who 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:45.320 it did get to that point. We're actually talking yesterday 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:47.360 and she was like, girl, it was it's I'm so 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:49.720 glad I did this. It just it was so hard 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:53.200 at first. There was so much drama at first, but 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:58.800 now everything is clearly. There's no like, there's no question 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.280 about what his response abilities, what time he's supposed to 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:04.400 be here, what you know, what he you know, all 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:04.840 those things. 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:06.360 So I think it's black people. 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:08.240 Though when we think about like court, I think we 0:16:08.280 --> 0:16:11.520 think about like involving the people in our business. 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.040 Right, well, it is it's involving people in our business 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.040 and them telling us how to run our household and. 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:17.160 Just letting people in your business. Because I'll be honest, 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:19.520 I went to the courtroom once to get to try 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:22.840 and file for child support. First of all, there's handy 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.440 like fifty five loose pages that don't make fucking sense. 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.000 It's it's expensive in California to file for child support, 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:30.720 like five hundred and fifty five dollars or some shit, 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:32.360 And I'm like, why the fuck would I be filing 0:16:32.360 --> 0:16:34.640 for child support if I had five hundred and fifty 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:38.240 three dollars to fucking pay for this shit? And then 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:39.760 they ask you all this shit about your taxes and 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:41.520 all this other shit, and I was like, fucking never mind. 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:45.000 You know, I have fuck this shit, So don't get discouraged. 0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:47.600 Sometimes it's easy to go through that to get to 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.440 the fucking happy end, and you got to go through 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:50.240 the ship to do it. 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:55.040 So I think also, I think if someone's not. 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:59.600 Helping you financially, court, don't take it out on time spent. 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:01.800 Think that's fair, you know, like, if I'm dumb and 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:03.960 I decided not to fill the fifty pieces of paper 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:05.199 and not get money, that's on me. 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:05.960 But I'm not going to. 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:10.359 Ever stop my kid from seeing her dad because of finances. 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:12.400 I don't really think that's fair. I know women who 0:17:12.400 --> 0:17:14.040 do think that's fair, and I kind. 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:14.199 Of get it. 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:16.080 I do. You got to do the whole shit. You 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:16.879 can't do half of it. 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.639 But that's why I say, if there's conflict financially, do court. 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:22.720 But if you can, you know, at least come up 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:25.720 with a schedule that's good for the kid. 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:27.240 Stick with that as much. 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:32.080 As possible, right, and also try to keep everything in 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.320 text messages and emails so that if you. 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:35.679 Do go to court, it's documented. 0:17:35.840 --> 0:17:36.920 You have the shit documented. 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:37.520 Absolutely. 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:41.600 This one, this last one, one of the last ones, 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:42.880 and not one of the last ones. 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:43.840 Well, one of the last ones. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:47.320 Is this came from Erica's therapist, which I thought was great, 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:52.800 was no matter what, keep a picture of the family, 0:17:53.400 --> 0:17:57.280 parents and child together went in the household. 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:00.160 I think that's very that makes sense. So there's visual. 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:03.359 In each household. You know your mom or your dad, 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:05.520 and you see them together, and you grow up with 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.879 those pictures because you don't just leave the house of 0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:10.639 your mom and then she disappears and doesn't exist. You know, 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:12.679 you guys are still a unit to your child, and 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:16.919 so to have that image around the household while they 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:18.680 grow up, I think is important. 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.119 Especially if you guys are amicable and like you are 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:24.440 and can keep it at least in public in front 0:18:24.440 --> 0:18:27.199 of your child amicable. It really, I feel like is 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:29.840 impactful for the child to see their parents and know 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:34.120 that they came together in love. Yeah, they came from love. 0:18:34.160 --> 0:18:37.800 They came together in love, and that there's no big 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:44.640 separation and hiding of this previous relationship that created them. 0:18:45.800 --> 0:18:49.080 So I have a picture of Iri and me and 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:52.919 her dad in our living room, and whether or not 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:55.879 she looks at it every day, I mean, no, she doesn't, 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:59.879 but it's there. And I also I would also say, 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:01.760 I don't know if that's another one on the list 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:09.399 about you know, not talking badly about your partner ex partner. 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:12.720 In front of your child, and don't argue in front 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:13.320 of your child. 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:15.639 I think though that's a really big one, is like 0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:18.719 the not arguing in front of them, not talking badly 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:21.040 and not assuming that your kid doesn't know that you're 0:19:21.080 --> 0:19:22.160 talking about and. 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:24.640 It's and trust me, like it's much easier to fuck 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:26.560 this up than it is not to. I mean we've 0:19:26.600 --> 0:19:29.840 done it, like yeah, we would be lying to say otherwise. 0:19:30.000 --> 0:19:31.760 And I've argued in front of my kid and I 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:33.480 and I had my parents argued in front of me, 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:36.800 and I know how that affected me. And even still 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:38.919 it's hard for me to you know, when someone's pushing 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.480 your buttons and getting petty with you, you know, you 0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:43.879 go right into turn up mode and you've got to 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:46.840 always remind yourself when your child is watching you that 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:49.320 it's just not worth it's not worth it's not worth 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:51.760 it you getting out of character, or anyone pulling you 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:54.679 out of character, because it could. It's it's hard for 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:57.480 them to understand when their parents don't love you, you know, 0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:00.199 or not getting along or in their eyes, not being 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:01.000 nice to one another. 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:05.480 Oh my god, I remember the extreme anxiety I had about, 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:10.000 you know, my parents arguing, and just I was the 0:20:10.040 --> 0:20:14.200