WEBVTT - Sex Ed from Pop Culture 0:00:15.356 --> 0:00:21.756 Pushkin. I'm Emmaline Nagowski and this is the Come as 0:00:21.796 --> 0:00:26.396 you Are podcast where I answer questions about sex with science. 0:00:27.156 --> 0:00:31.316 And in this episode, we're doing something a little different. Mo. 0:00:31.516 --> 0:00:34.836 What are we doing today? Hey, Emily, So today we're 0:00:34.836 --> 0:00:38.316 going to do an episode called real Talk, Fake Sex. 0:00:38.996 --> 0:00:40.796 And here's how it works. I'm going to play you 0:00:40.836 --> 0:00:44.236 a clip from pop culture. It could be anything about sex, 0:00:44.916 --> 0:00:49.356 and you, as an expert sex educator, are going to 0:00:49.396 --> 0:00:52.916 break it down for me and for the listeners, and 0:00:53.276 --> 0:00:55.676 very importantly, at the end of the episode, I'm going 0:00:55.716 --> 0:00:59.396 to ask you to rate the scene from zero stars 0:00:59.516 --> 0:01:02.996 to five stars okay on the Emali Nagosky scale of 0:01:03.036 --> 0:01:05.756 how great is this scene in terms of like, is 0:01:05.796 --> 0:01:09.556 it violence portrayed as sex or is it actual doing 0:01:09.556 --> 0:01:13.516 the work of sex educators everywhere and making everyone sex 0:01:13.556 --> 0:01:17.476 life better? Yep? Pop culture can do everything in that range. Yep. 0:01:18.236 --> 0:01:23.036 I know that you are a little averse to pop culture. Yeah, 0:01:23.036 --> 0:01:27.236 to say that I live under a rock is maybe 0:01:27.316 --> 0:01:31.196 it's not an understatement, but oh, it's very close to 0:01:31.236 --> 0:01:35.996 the description. But in particular things about sexuality in pop culture. 0:01:36.276 --> 0:01:40.356 Because I'm here to answer questions about sex with science 0:01:41.356 --> 0:01:44.316 and So many of the myths that people bring to 0:01:44.396 --> 0:01:48.156 me in their questions are things they learned from pop culture. 0:01:48.276 --> 0:01:53.356 So the reason I'm willing to experience this torture of 0:01:53.476 --> 0:01:56.156 listening to some pop culture thing is because I think 0:01:56.196 --> 0:01:59.156 it's important for us to break down the myths as 0:01:59.196 --> 0:02:01.596 they are represented to us. But some pop culture things 0:02:01.636 --> 0:02:04.116 are really positive. Some of them are really good, and 0:02:04.156 --> 0:02:07.276 it's worth highlighting those two. Actually, let me just do 0:02:07.316 --> 0:02:09.996 a little survey really quickly. I get a sense of 0:02:10.036 --> 0:02:13.156 where you're coming from in your pop culture knowledge. Are 0:02:13.196 --> 0:02:19.996 you ready? Have you ever seen Sex in the City. 0:02:20.876 --> 0:02:25.756 I have seen a fragment of one episode. Okay, okay, 0:02:26.756 --> 0:02:30.516 good to know. Have you ever seen the Tracy Ellis 0:02:30.556 --> 0:02:38.996 Raws show Girlfriends? No? Okay, have you ever seen the 0:02:39.036 --> 0:02:43.516 show sex Education on Netflix? I have only seen the 0:02:44.396 --> 0:02:47.316 meme of the girl who says, have you read that book? 0:02:47.316 --> 0:02:50.276 Come as you are? Only Negowski? It's really good, just 0:02:50.316 --> 0:02:52.476 because like a hundred people sent it to me. Do 0:02:52.476 --> 0:02:55.076 you know most women's volves don't look likely do on Pornhub? 0:02:55.356 --> 0:02:56.916 I was thought mine was a bit ugly because it's 0:02:56.916 --> 0:02:59.676 not only top ten, but actually it's dead normal. Should 0:02:59.676 --> 0:03:06.356 we come as you are. It's a great book. Okay. 0:03:06.436 --> 0:03:09.476 Good to know that your starting place for pop culture 0:03:09.516 --> 0:03:14.796 references is media that you are mentioned in. Okay, So 0:03:15.316 --> 0:03:17.996 for this episode, I'm going to start with a softball 0:03:18.436 --> 0:03:22.196 for you, and I think it is something you have 0:03:22.316 --> 0:03:27.036 actually seen before, because you mentioned that you love the 0:03:27.036 --> 0:03:30.716 show ted Lasso. Yes, so you barely watch any TV. 0:03:30.916 --> 0:03:33.796 But what do you like about ted Lasso? It was 0:03:34.036 --> 0:03:37.636 just this summer that I started watching it, actually because 0:03:37.796 --> 0:03:41.956 I was looking for something like really positive, end uplifting 0:03:42.116 --> 0:03:45.236 without a whole lot of like stressful drama. And it 0:03:45.356 --> 0:03:49.356 hit that note and then some and I didn't know 0:03:49.476 --> 0:03:52.116 that it was going to have such interesting sex and 0:03:52.156 --> 0:03:56.196 relationship stories. I started it because like everyone was talking 0:03:56.236 --> 0:03:58.876 about it, and then I was one of those things 0:03:58.876 --> 0:04:01.636 where I just pressed play on one episode and then somehow, 0:04:01.676 --> 0:04:03.516 like eight hours later, I had finished a whole season. 0:04:03.636 --> 0:04:06.396 Oh yeah, and then your day is gone, yes exactly, 0:04:07.436 --> 0:04:09.916 and I'm crying and I'm like, I can't stop thinking 0:04:09.916 --> 0:04:12.956 about these characters. And also I was so shocked because 0:04:13.276 --> 0:04:15.796 it's a sports show and I'm not a sports fan 0:04:16.276 --> 0:04:19.116 right me either. So I'm going to set this clip 0:04:19.196 --> 0:04:23.316 up for you. It starts in season two, Episode two, 0:04:23.756 --> 0:04:27.156 and Roy Kent, as you know, the gruff, lovable former 0:04:27.196 --> 0:04:32.556 team captain, has recently announced. I know I have a 0:04:32.676 --> 0:04:34.676 real life Roy Kent in my life, my brother in law, 0:04:34.716 --> 0:04:36.676 and it makes me just love the character so much. 0:04:36.676 --> 0:04:40.436 Oh my god. So Roy Kent recently announced that he's 0:04:40.476 --> 0:04:45.036 retiring from football aka soccer, and he's trying to figure 0:04:45.036 --> 0:04:47.436 out what to do next. In the meantime, he's living 0:04:47.436 --> 0:04:50.916 with his girlfriend Keiley and coaching like a children's soccer team, 0:04:51.076 --> 0:04:53.996 which is so adorable because he takes it so seriously. 0:04:54.556 --> 0:04:56.636 So cute. Okay, So one day he comes home from 0:04:56.676 --> 0:05:01.676 coaching and he is looking for his girlfriend, Keiely, who's 0:05:01.676 --> 0:05:04.836 at home, and he finds her in bed with her 0:05:04.836 --> 0:05:13.756 phone and she's making some noises. What's she doing now, Nothing? 0:05:16.156 --> 0:05:18.036 I thought that you were an intruder, and I didn't 0:05:18.076 --> 0:05:21.276 want you to steal it. All right, I'm gonna pause 0:05:21.356 --> 0:05:24.076 this clip because I can tell you already have something 0:05:24.116 --> 0:05:26.796 to say. So to begin with, I want to say 0:05:27.396 --> 0:05:31.116 it's a reality that in a long term, committed relationship, 0:05:31.196 --> 0:05:35.756 people who masturbate before the relationship may still masturbate solo 0:05:36.276 --> 0:05:40.316 even though they have a partner. It is normal and 0:05:41.036 --> 0:05:45.236 in a long term relationship, especially a cohabiting relationship, if 0:05:45.636 --> 0:05:48.996 partners are masturbating solo, people might walk in on each 0:05:49.036 --> 0:05:53.876 other while masturbating. That's a thing that happens. And Keenly's 0:05:53.876 --> 0:05:58.996 first response was to throw her phone, and that actually 0:05:58.996 --> 0:06:02.996 surprised me because she is a character who I mean, 0:06:03.076 --> 0:06:04.396 I think if her as a person who would not 0:06:04.396 --> 0:06:07.476 be bothered by being interrupted or seen masturbating, like, she's 0:06:07.516 --> 0:06:10.836 not afraid or a shame about her masturbation. It's one 0:06:10.876 --> 0:06:13.916 of the things I love about her. It's what she's 0:06:13.996 --> 0:06:20.556 watching that she's worried he'll find out about. But if 0:06:20.556 --> 0:06:23.236 that's the case, it still makes her extraordinary because a 0:06:23.236 --> 0:06:25.796 lot of people, whether they're the one being walked in 0:06:25.836 --> 0:06:28.636 on or they're the one doing the walking in, might 0:06:28.876 --> 0:06:32.476 have this big flash of shame in their body because 0:06:32.476 --> 0:06:35.036 we have absolutely been taught to be ashamed of masturbation. 0:06:35.596 --> 0:06:40.836 So here we have close to ideal modeling of how 0:06:40.876 --> 0:06:43.836 to engage with the reality that a partner is masturbating solo, 0:06:43.836 --> 0:06:46.756 even though in their committed relationship. Okay, so let's keep 0:06:46.796 --> 0:06:50.476 going with this scene. Bye, come on, I'm embarrassed. Whatever 0:06:50.516 --> 0:06:53.716 it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex 0:06:53.756 --> 0:06:57.756 in the woods. Why because I could never be that free. 0:06:57.996 --> 0:07:01.076 Come on, let me see, I should know what guesse 0:07:01.156 --> 0:07:04.596 you're going. Okay, I'm gonna pause again, and we're not 0:07:04.676 --> 0:07:06.956 done with the scene yet, but I feel like you're 0:07:06.996 --> 0:07:10.276 going to have some big sex educator energy reaction to 0:07:10.396 --> 0:07:15.276 what's happening here. I love that Roy wants to know 0:07:15.316 --> 0:07:18.596 what she's watching, especially that he says, whatever it is, 0:07:18.636 --> 0:07:22.116 it's fine, right, That's what makes it completely okay. If 0:07:22.116 --> 0:07:25.756 he wanted to know because he felt jealous of the 0:07:25.836 --> 0:07:29.036 porn or judgmental, or wanted to affirm that he isn't 0:07:29.036 --> 0:07:33.676 grossed out by what she likes, that all would not 0:07:33.756 --> 0:07:36.436 be great. But instead he's just purely curious. He wants 0:07:36.476 --> 0:07:38.996 to know because he feels like it could enhance his 0:07:39.876 --> 0:07:43.756 practice as a lover. Right, He is not questioning out 0:07:43.756 --> 0:07:48.076 of a sense of vindictive like I should know what 0:07:48.116 --> 0:07:51.556 you're doing sexually because i'm your boyfriend, because I want 0:07:51.556 --> 0:07:54.396 to be in control of your sexuality, right, or there 0:07:54.396 --> 0:07:56.316 are some things that are okay and some things that 0:07:56.356 --> 0:07:59.756 are not okay. He's just like, whatever works for you, 0:07:59.876 --> 0:08:03.076 I want to know so I can help get you 0:08:03.116 --> 0:08:07.076 more turned on? Right, I love it. And he's so 0:08:07.196 --> 0:08:12.116 confident in this like gorgeous, non judgmental, curious attitude that 0:08:12.156 --> 0:08:15.156 they each have toward each other's sexual minds that he 0:08:15.196 --> 0:08:19.276 helps convince her that he really won't judge her by 0:08:19.316 --> 0:08:24.396 describing what he watches, and when she's surprised by that, 0:08:25.436 --> 0:08:28.956 instead of being judgmental, she just asked why, and he says, 0:08:29.236 --> 0:08:31.476 he says, this is so important. He says, the thing 0:08:31.516 --> 0:08:35.036 that characterizes much porn consumption. Like a lot of people 0:08:35.036 --> 0:08:37.436 are going to relate to this. He says, I could 0:08:37.476 --> 0:08:40.836 never be that free. Why do you watch videos of 0:08:40.836 --> 0:08:43.036 people having sex in the woods? I could never be 0:08:43.116 --> 0:08:45.116 that free. Here we have Roy Kent. He is the 0:08:45.276 --> 0:08:51.196 quintessential hyper masculine professional footballer. I could never be that free. 0:08:52.596 --> 0:08:55.636 He watches it because it's something he fantasizes about but 0:08:55.756 --> 0:08:58.076 would never bring himself to do in real life. And 0:08:58.076 --> 0:09:02.076 it's amazing that he knows his limits. And like my heart, 0:09:02.316 --> 0:09:06.196 in my heart, I really hope that he is really welcoming, 0:09:06.316 --> 0:09:09.116 accepting of his limits and doesn't judge or shame himsel 0:09:09.356 --> 0:09:12.316 for not wanting to have sex in a potentially public 0:09:12.356 --> 0:09:14.996 place because that hits his brakes. It's normal. I mean, 0:09:15.036 --> 0:09:16.476 it's normal for it not to hit the brakes, and 0:09:16.476 --> 0:09:18.476 it's normal for it to hit the brakes. And I 0:09:18.516 --> 0:09:21.076 hope that he accepts and welcomes and loves that he 0:09:21.196 --> 0:09:24.556 is who he is. Honestly, one of the reasons I 0:09:24.636 --> 0:09:28.196 chose this scene is because of that line. I think 0:09:28.276 --> 0:09:30.716 you bring up such a good point, because like sometimes 0:09:30.716 --> 0:09:33.196 the porn we watch or whatever we watch for stimulation 0:09:33.436 --> 0:09:36.196 isn't about something that we actually want to do in 0:09:36.276 --> 0:09:38.076 real life. It's not like it's a one to one. 0:09:38.596 --> 0:09:42.876 It's just hitting our accelerator or triggering our accelerator, right am, 0:09:42.876 --> 0:09:45.516 I right, But it's not like, yep, necessarily we have 0:09:45.596 --> 0:09:48.596 to want to do that thing if we're watching it. Exactly. 0:09:48.636 --> 0:09:52.436 The context of watching something that activates your accelerator is 0:09:52.476 --> 0:09:55.356 totally different from the context of actually doing something that 0:09:55.556 --> 0:09:58.116 maybe it activates the accelerator, but in real life it 0:09:58.116 --> 0:10:01.156 would hit the brakes, like having sex in the woods, 0:10:01.596 --> 0:10:03.756 right right, right, right right. I think a lot of 0:10:03.756 --> 0:10:06.876 people can relate to that. So I want to take 0:10:06.876 --> 0:10:09.516 a quick break before we get into the next part 0:10:09.556 --> 0:10:12.796 of the scene, where we talk about what Keely has 0:10:12.836 --> 0:10:26.796 been watching. All right, Okay, so we're back with a 0:10:26.956 --> 0:10:30.956 special pop culture analysis episode that we're calling real Talk 0:10:31.236 --> 0:10:35.516 Fake Sex, And in this episode we are talking about 0:10:35.916 --> 0:10:40.036 ted Lasso, one of the only contemporary shows that Emily 0:10:40.116 --> 0:10:44.276 Nagaski has seen what I have actually watched. Okay. So 0:10:44.396 --> 0:10:48.916 Roy catches his girlfriend Keely masturbating to something on her phone. 0:10:49.676 --> 0:10:52.836 He asks to see what she's watching, and they have 0:10:52.876 --> 0:10:55.276 a little back and forth, a delightful back and forth 0:10:55.276 --> 0:10:59.516 about that, and then Keily hands him her phone and 0:10:59.676 --> 0:11:03.996 we see that Keely has been watching a YouTube video 0:11:04.316 --> 0:11:11.836 of her boyfriend at a press conference. I am announcing 0:11:15.876 --> 0:11:23.476 my retirement. Wow. Okay, So it turns out Keeley is 0:11:23.516 --> 0:11:28.436 masturbating to her boyfriend announcing his retirement and crying yeah 0:11:28.516 --> 0:11:33.116 about leaving the sport he loves. Oh my god, the fuck? 0:11:34.156 --> 0:11:38.116 This is your kink? Maybe I pathetic? Not being pathetic, 0:11:39.156 --> 0:11:43.236 you mean passionate and vulnerable. When he thinks about that video, 0:11:43.316 --> 0:11:48.996 he thinks that it's him being pathetic. Yeah, but Keiley. 0:11:49.396 --> 0:11:53.596 Keiley's like, it's not pathetic, it is passionate and vulnerable. 0:11:53.796 --> 0:11:58.636 It's this reframe that tells us what she really loves 0:11:58.716 --> 0:12:02.236 about him, not that he's a football player, but that 0:12:02.316 --> 0:12:05.796 he can be passionate and vulnerable like that. For some reason, 0:12:05.836 --> 0:12:08.996 I love the characters who like never smile in public 0:12:09.156 --> 0:12:13.796 and they only ever in public express masculine emotions and 0:12:13.996 --> 0:12:18.836 masculinity you're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to win, 0:12:19.236 --> 0:12:22.116 and you're allowed to be horny, and that's basically it. 0:12:22.356 --> 0:12:26.956 But if this stoic never smiles in public, never expresses 0:12:26.996 --> 0:12:30.596 other emotions, then you get him in private and he 0:12:30.756 --> 0:12:35.596 shares with you. They're soft, squishy insides. You get to 0:12:35.676 --> 0:12:39.596 feel like you earn that tenderness and that vulnerability. That's 0:12:39.636 --> 0:12:42.036 mister Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Right in the beginning, 0:12:42.076 --> 0:12:46.676 he never smiles, he's never sweet. But in the second 0:12:46.716 --> 0:12:50.396 half he comes back and there's all this vulnerability and 0:12:50.476 --> 0:12:53.956 passion and it's like he's a fried cheese stick of 0:12:53.996 --> 0:12:58.676 a man with his crispy exterior and the warm, gooey inside. 0:12:58.716 --> 0:13:02.476 Of course, it is hot that she has granted access 0:13:02.516 --> 0:13:06.716 to his mozzarella insides, and I actually think that the 0:13:06.836 --> 0:13:11.236 disappearance of Roy's bull nobility and passion after he retires 0:13:11.796 --> 0:13:14.516 makes really good sense. Of course that goes away. Here's 0:13:14.516 --> 0:13:19.596 the guy with the job that intensely validates his performance 0:13:19.756 --> 0:13:23.276 of like high masculinity. You know how there's like high femme. 0:13:23.756 --> 0:13:29.116 This is high masculinity. He is hairy and strong and big. 0:13:29.116 --> 0:13:34.276 He's a professional athlete. And the confidence there are people 0:13:34.276 --> 0:13:39.636 who chant his name because he's good a sport, but 0:13:39.796 --> 0:13:43.516 because it's so validating, it gives him this confidence that 0:13:43.596 --> 0:13:47.956 turns into permission to reveal his vulnerability. When he's with 0:13:48.116 --> 0:13:52.796 his girl friend, she gets the gooey inside. He proves 0:13:52.876 --> 0:13:54.956 that he is masculine enough when he's on the pitch 0:13:55.236 --> 0:13:57.396 so that he doesn't have to prove that when he's 0:13:57.436 --> 0:14:01.556 alone with her. And now because he has retired, he 0:14:01.596 --> 0:14:05.716 doesn't have that validation anymore. The confidence that comes from 0:14:05.716 --> 0:14:09.516 all of that validation, the confidence of the he knows 0:14:09.516 --> 0:14:14.876 he's masculine enough to be vulnerable with Keiey. And of 0:14:14.876 --> 0:14:17.556 course she misses it. Of course she does. After he 0:14:17.596 --> 0:14:20.276 sees what she's watching, Roy says, this is your kink. 0:14:21.116 --> 0:14:23.676 I'm curious what you think about him using the word 0:14:23.796 --> 0:14:26.916 kink there, Like, maybe he's just using that term colloquially, 0:14:27.276 --> 0:14:30.236 but what's going on there. I think he's really using 0:14:30.436 --> 0:14:34.116 it just to indicate that he doesn't understand why that 0:14:34.156 --> 0:14:37.996 would be sexy for her, in particular, when he finds 0:14:37.996 --> 0:14:41.756 it the opposite of sexy, he finds it humiliating. It 0:14:41.796 --> 0:14:44.476 would make sense for him to assume that what turns 0:14:44.476 --> 0:14:50.556 her on is his masculine self. Like she's dating a footballer, 0:14:51.396 --> 0:14:54.836 why wouldn't she masturbate to a video of him scoring 0:14:55.036 --> 0:15:00.836 a literal goal? Because that's how he understands masculinity, that 0:15:00.876 --> 0:15:04.236 it's that performance that women are interested in. And I 0:15:04.396 --> 0:15:08.596 don't think at any point he thinks that she's turned 0:15:08.636 --> 0:15:12.276 on by a video of anyone crying, which would like 0:15:12.436 --> 0:15:14.436 put it into like I just like I love watching 0:15:14.436 --> 0:15:16.556 people cry and that's what turns me on. I think 0:15:16.636 --> 0:15:19.636 he understands from the beginning that it's the video of 0:15:19.836 --> 0:15:23.476 him crying that turns her on. Well, it's interesting to 0:15:23.516 --> 0:15:26.316 me that Keiely is turned on by this video even 0:15:26.316 --> 0:15:33.196 though it's not sexual or explicit per se. What do 0:15:33.196 --> 0:15:38.076 you make of that? Not sexual? According to whom? Because 0:15:38.116 --> 0:15:43.036 it clearly activates Keiley's accelerator right as far as her 0:15:43.076 --> 0:15:46.396 brain is concerned, this is a sex related stimulus so 0:15:46.476 --> 0:15:49.756 strong that any amount of breaks hitting does not interfere. 0:15:51.196 --> 0:15:54.756 She is into his emotion, his passion, his vulnerability that 0:15:55.196 --> 0:15:59.796 it turns her on. Okay, So now I want to 0:15:59.796 --> 0:16:02.716 bring you the last part of the scene. We leave 0:16:02.756 --> 0:16:06.796 the moment where they're talking about the video and the masturbation. 0:16:07.356 --> 0:16:11.716 The episode continues. Gets a new job as a pundit 0:16:11.796 --> 0:16:15.796 on TV talking about soccer, which is something that Keely 0:16:15.876 --> 0:16:19.436 had encouraged him to do because she thinks he'll love it, 0:16:19.596 --> 0:16:23.116 and he does. He loves it. So he comes home 0:16:23.476 --> 0:16:26.196 from his first day on the job and he's feeling 0:16:26.396 --> 0:16:31.236 overwhelmed with emotion, overwhelmed with happiness. But it's impossible to 0:16:31.316 --> 0:16:33.876 tell if Roy Kent is happy because he just looks 0:16:33.956 --> 0:16:41.156 permanently grumpy. Had a guy come Bibe say something, Well, 0:16:41.156 --> 0:16:44.876 you're just gonna pretend that you hated it. You're amazing 0:16:46.876 --> 0:16:51.276 shits you many today, Okay, So let me just explain 0:16:51.356 --> 0:16:54.276 what's happening in the scene because you can't see it, Okay. 0:16:54.316 --> 0:16:57.836 So Roy takes Keeley's phone and he starts looking something 0:16:57.916 --> 0:17:00.676 up on it, like typing into it, and he says 0:17:00.716 --> 0:17:04.796 to her, he says, I want to thank you properly, okay, 0:17:05.156 --> 0:17:07.356 and then he kneels in front of her, like in 0:17:07.396 --> 0:17:11.756 between her legs, he puts her air pods in her ears, 0:17:12.876 --> 0:17:16.516 and then he hands her back her phone, tells her 0:17:16.676 --> 0:17:23.716 to press play, and and it's the video of him 0:17:23.716 --> 0:17:28.756 crying at his retirement speech. So for the listeners, basically 0:17:28.876 --> 0:17:32.236 he is going down on her while she watches this 0:17:32.356 --> 0:17:37.676 video of him crying and in scene. So, I've watched 0:17:37.716 --> 0:17:39.876 the whole series three times, and the first time I 0:17:39.916 --> 0:17:42.956 saw this, when I realized why he was putting in 0:17:42.996 --> 0:17:47.556 the air pods, I gasped and my jaw dropped and 0:17:47.636 --> 0:17:50.876 I cried. I loved it so much because he's giving 0:17:50.876 --> 0:17:54.076 her what she likes in a way where he doesn't 0:17:54.116 --> 0:17:56.916 have to hear it himself. He just gets a big 0:17:56.916 --> 0:17:59.836 old mouthful of puss. I didn't think about that that, Like, 0:17:59.956 --> 0:18:02.476 he is not turned on by it. So by giving 0:18:02.476 --> 0:18:04.516 her the AirPods, he doesn't even have to hear it. 0:18:04.516 --> 0:18:07.516 It's all for her, right, And so for him to 0:18:07.636 --> 0:18:09.596 bring it back up to be like, I know this 0:18:09.716 --> 0:18:12.196 works for you, and I have no shame about that, 0:18:12.436 --> 0:18:14.036 and I want it to keep working for you if 0:18:14.036 --> 0:18:16.796 it's working for you, like that really struck me. I 0:18:16.796 --> 0:18:19.036 would like to point out that what he chooses not 0:18:19.116 --> 0:18:24.156 only does he choose the video. He also chooses Kona Lingus. 0:18:24.636 --> 0:18:28.036 Maybe they have intercourse later, but like he chooses Kino 0:18:28.076 --> 0:18:30.956 Lingus first, and season one established for us that Keiley 0:18:31.396 --> 0:18:36.236 likes Kona Lingus. So he's choosing two things that really 0:18:36.516 --> 0:18:41.916 center and prioritize her pleasure totally. Yes, So imagine a 0:18:41.996 --> 0:18:46.596 real life Keiley and Roy couple, Like, how would you 0:18:47.076 --> 0:18:50.556 see a video like this or stibulus like this playing 0:18:50.596 --> 0:18:53.396 into their sex life Because I mean, I don't think 0:18:53.396 --> 0:18:55.236 they would want to be watching it all the time, 0:18:55.476 --> 0:18:57.396 or she would want to be watching it all the time. 0:18:57.716 --> 0:19:00.516 It feels to me like in the story, it's fulfilling 0:19:00.556 --> 0:19:03.876 the role of the vulnerability and passion that she used 0:19:03.876 --> 0:19:07.996 to have access to directly through the man. And as 0:19:08.116 --> 0:19:13.156 he continues to feel validated and connected with the game 0:19:13.236 --> 0:19:16.876 he loves, which affirms his masculinity, he'll stay confident enough 0:19:17.396 --> 0:19:21.916 to be vulnerable with Keeley and not lose the passion 0:19:22.356 --> 0:19:26.516 and that authenticity that she finds such a turn on. So, 0:19:26.556 --> 0:19:28.996 based on this scene and what you were talking about 0:19:28.996 --> 0:19:33.436 about vulnerability and maybe things that turn people on being emotional, Like, 0:19:33.476 --> 0:19:36.236 do you have any advice for real couples that might 0:19:36.276 --> 0:19:39.916 be turned on by vulnerability, but struggling to access it 0:19:39.956 --> 0:19:42.676 with each other. Yeah, I think the main thing to 0:19:42.756 --> 0:19:49.076 understand is that we act invulnerable for reasons. Whether you're 0:19:49.196 --> 0:19:51.676 following the it's a girl script you were handed or 0:19:51.716 --> 0:19:54.156 the it's a boy script you were handed, you were 0:19:54.196 --> 0:19:57.076 taught that certain emotions were acceptable and other emotions were 0:19:57.116 --> 0:20:01.636 not acceptable, and you literally were punished for expressing the 0:20:01.676 --> 0:20:04.316 emotions outside of the script that you were told was 0:20:04.676 --> 0:20:07.956 here's everything you're allowed to say and do. So I 0:20:07.996 --> 0:20:10.636 was told that I was ugly when I frowned, right, 0:20:11.276 --> 0:20:14.716 and boys are told to be little men, boys don't cry. 0:20:15.756 --> 0:20:18.316 Could we've actually been punished for these things. So if 0:20:18.356 --> 0:20:22.956 we struggle to display these things in front of our 0:20:23.076 --> 0:20:27.876 significant other, it's not for no reason, right, But there 0:20:27.956 --> 0:20:30.836 is a lot of sexy potential when we behave outside 0:20:30.836 --> 0:20:34.076 of our scripts. Yeah, Because like for me, you know, 0:20:34.076 --> 0:20:37.916 I'm attracted to mostly films and women and seeing them 0:20:37.956 --> 0:20:41.356 get angry is really hot to me. And that's something 0:20:41.396 --> 0:20:44.116 that was outside of the film script you know that 0:20:44.156 --> 0:20:47.236 we're told is acceptable. See, And what is it about 0:20:47.276 --> 0:20:50.876 the anger? It's not the anger per se, right, that's hot, right, 0:20:51.036 --> 0:20:55.596 It is the trust and authenticity that they're exhibiting with you, 0:20:56.356 --> 0:20:59.596 that they know that you welcome that from them, that 0:20:59.636 --> 0:21:02.836 it's okay, that you feel safe and you're not worried 0:21:02.956 --> 0:21:06.596 about them expressing anger in front of you, Like we 0:21:06.676 --> 0:21:10.516 are connected in this moment a way that is not 0:21:10.636 --> 0:21:15.396 obstructed by all the cultural noise about what emotions are acceptable. 0:21:17.956 --> 0:21:22.636 That is a hot take down. I think it would 0:21:22.676 --> 0:21:26.516 be advanced to begin with tell me what you think 0:21:26.596 --> 0:21:29.556 about or watch when you masturbate. Some couples are ready 0:21:29.596 --> 0:21:33.156 for that conversation, but maybe just start with a gentler 0:21:33.196 --> 0:21:35.796 conversation about tell me some of the good things you'd 0:21:35.796 --> 0:21:40.116 like about our erotic connection, and gradually build up to 0:21:40.276 --> 0:21:42.276 tell me what you think about our watch when you masturbate. 0:21:44.516 --> 0:21:46.516 I love that this has not turned into a conversation 0:21:46.556 --> 0:21:49.236 about watching stuff when you masturbate, and couples you know, 0:21:49.316 --> 0:21:53.596 watching different things, but really the deeper conversation about emotional 0:21:53.716 --> 0:21:58.036 erotic connection. I think you take a break, what do 0:21:58.036 --> 0:22:01.916 you think definitely cool down? Yes, take a little cool down, 0:22:02.756 --> 0:22:06.476 get a cold glass of water, and when we get back, Emily, 0:22:06.596 --> 0:22:09.076 you're going to rate this scene as a sex educate. 0:22:20.556 --> 0:22:24.156 So Emily, I have devised a five star rating system. 0:22:24.236 --> 0:22:28.836 It is a zero to five star scale. Zero being 0:22:29.236 --> 0:22:32.396 an active violence portrayed as eratica maybe something you would 0:22:32.396 --> 0:22:35.036 have seen on Game of Thrones not to name any names, 0:22:35.036 --> 0:22:38.236 but actually yes, to name a name there, and five 0:22:38.276 --> 0:22:42.316 stars being like incredible, something that made your work as 0:22:42.316 --> 0:22:46.556 a sex educator easier. I'm actually going to give this 0:22:46.596 --> 0:22:51.156 scene at four point five. Wow, hell yeah, a very 0:22:51.236 --> 0:22:54.356 high rating, right, a very high rating. Yeah. I mean, 0:22:54.596 --> 0:22:57.756 you could have chosen something to torture me, but instead 0:22:57.796 --> 0:22:59.716 you chose one of my favorite things in media, So 0:22:59.956 --> 0:23:03.796 that's great. So what makes it a four point five? 0:23:04.116 --> 0:23:07.676 What do you like about this scene? I love their 0:23:07.836 --> 0:23:14.196 curiosity and non judgment of each other's erotic minds. I 0:23:14.236 --> 0:23:22.476 love their communication. I love that they don't diss each other, 0:23:22.516 --> 0:23:26.356 but they do ask questions. And on a superficial level, 0:23:26.796 --> 0:23:30.116 it's a good model of how to approach the fact 0:23:30.156 --> 0:23:32.916 that your partner masturbates without you, or the fact that 0:23:32.956 --> 0:23:37.356 you masturbate without your partner. Right, that's the superficial level, 0:23:37.476 --> 0:23:39.596 But on a deeper level, I feel like this is 0:23:39.596 --> 0:23:43.276 a good model of how to navigate gender bullshit that 0:23:43.516 --> 0:23:46.316 all of us are carrying around, regardless of your gender 0:23:46.396 --> 0:23:49.796 or your partner's gender. There is some junk that is 0:23:49.836 --> 0:23:53.556 just in you, and it prevents us from becoming our 0:23:53.556 --> 0:23:57.676 full erotic selves. And this is a great example. Without 0:23:57.796 --> 0:24:02.516 requiring Roy to change and become a person who like 0:24:02.716 --> 0:24:06.956 articulates his feelings and flowing sonnets, he can still be 0:24:07.076 --> 0:24:11.996 himself and also not buy into the lies that he's 0:24:12.036 --> 0:24:14.516 not allowed to be vulnerable or passionate and that for 0:24:14.596 --> 0:24:19.116 someone to love that about him is a kink. But 0:24:19.316 --> 0:24:22.796 I can't go to a full five, right why. I 0:24:22.876 --> 0:24:25.036 understand that they needed to be efficient in a storytelling. 0:24:25.156 --> 0:24:27.636 I'm making a television show, but I do wish there 0:24:27.636 --> 0:24:30.396 were more non genital touch before he goes right for 0:24:30.436 --> 0:24:33.916 the vulva. Oh right, we can't see the video, but 0:24:34.036 --> 0:24:37.356 he goes full face into the crotch in the final scene. Right. 0:24:38.716 --> 0:24:42.236 So I like to imagine that in real life he 0:24:42.276 --> 0:24:45.476 would spend some time with his hands all over her, 0:24:45.556 --> 0:24:47.756 and his mouth on her knees and her in her 0:24:47.916 --> 0:24:51.356 thighs and like all that very sensitive area before he 0:24:51.396 --> 0:24:54.676 goes anywhere near the clit. And I want to mention 0:24:54.676 --> 0:24:57.316 that I am making assumptions about her genital organization, that 0:24:57.476 --> 0:24:59.916 he's a sisgender woman with it's a girl's parts. We 0:24:59.956 --> 0:25:02.596 don't know that for sure, but I'm going to assume 0:25:02.596 --> 0:25:07.276 THATTT for expediency right now. Another part that's missing is 0:25:07.316 --> 0:25:10.396 that she's really worried. He says, give me your phone. 0:25:10.476 --> 0:25:14.196 She doesn't know why she's giving him her phone. It's 0:25:14.236 --> 0:25:16.516 only when she sees that he put on the video 0:25:17.196 --> 0:25:19.876 that she knows everything is okay. And she goes from 0:25:19.876 --> 0:25:26.196 worried too aroused in like two seconds and again expediency. 0:25:26.316 --> 0:25:30.236 It's a television show, but like in real life, it 0:25:30.276 --> 0:25:33.076 would probably take more of a warm up page. Sure, 0:25:33.116 --> 0:25:38.876 that's a little bit unrealistic. All right, So you're giving 0:25:38.916 --> 0:25:42.476 the scene from ted Lasso a four point five. I'm 0:25:42.516 --> 0:25:44.876 putting it on the books, I'm marking it down, and 0:25:45.516 --> 0:25:48.116 I'm sure the producers of ted Lasso will be very 0:25:48.396 --> 0:25:50.956 impressed by that. Oh, they are definitely listening right now, 0:25:50.996 --> 0:25:57.916