1 00:00:15,356 --> 00:00:21,756 Speaker 1: Pushkin. I'm Emmaline Nagowski and this is the Come as 2 00:00:21,796 --> 00:00:26,396 Speaker 1: you Are podcast where I answer questions about sex with science. 3 00:00:27,156 --> 00:00:31,316 Speaker 1: And in this episode, we're doing something a little different. Mo. 4 00:00:31,516 --> 00:00:34,836 Speaker 1: What are we doing today? Hey, Emily, So today we're 5 00:00:34,836 --> 00:00:38,316 Speaker 1: going to do an episode called real Talk, Fake Sex. 6 00:00:38,996 --> 00:00:40,796 Speaker 1: And here's how it works. I'm going to play you 7 00:00:40,836 --> 00:00:44,236 Speaker 1: a clip from pop culture. It could be anything about sex, 8 00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:49,356 Speaker 1: and you, as an expert sex educator, are going to 9 00:00:49,396 --> 00:00:52,916 Speaker 1: break it down for me and for the listeners, and 10 00:00:53,276 --> 00:00:55,676 Speaker 1: very importantly, at the end of the episode, I'm going 11 00:00:55,716 --> 00:00:59,396 Speaker 1: to ask you to rate the scene from zero stars 12 00:00:59,516 --> 00:01:02,996 Speaker 1: to five stars okay on the Emali Nagosky scale of 13 00:01:03,036 --> 00:01:05,756 Speaker 1: how great is this scene in terms of like, is 14 00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:09,556 Speaker 1: it violence portrayed as sex or is it actual doing 15 00:01:09,556 --> 00:01:13,516 Speaker 1: the work of sex educators everywhere and making everyone sex 16 00:01:13,556 --> 00:01:17,476 Speaker 1: life better? Yep? Pop culture can do everything in that range. Yep. 17 00:01:18,236 --> 00:01:23,036 Speaker 1: I know that you are a little averse to pop culture. Yeah, 18 00:01:23,036 --> 00:01:27,236 Speaker 1: to say that I live under a rock is maybe 19 00:01:27,316 --> 00:01:31,196 Speaker 1: it's not an understatement, but oh, it's very close to 20 00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:35,996 Speaker 1: the description. But in particular things about sexuality in pop culture. 21 00:01:36,276 --> 00:01:40,356 Speaker 1: Because I'm here to answer questions about sex with science 22 00:01:41,356 --> 00:01:44,316 Speaker 1: and So many of the myths that people bring to 23 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:48,156 Speaker 1: me in their questions are things they learned from pop culture. 24 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:53,356 Speaker 1: So the reason I'm willing to experience this torture of 25 00:01:53,476 --> 00:01:56,156 Speaker 1: listening to some pop culture thing is because I think 26 00:01:56,196 --> 00:01:59,156 Speaker 1: it's important for us to break down the myths as 27 00:01:59,196 --> 00:02:01,596 Speaker 1: they are represented to us. But some pop culture things 28 00:02:01,636 --> 00:02:04,116 Speaker 1: are really positive. Some of them are really good, and 29 00:02:04,156 --> 00:02:07,276 Speaker 1: it's worth highlighting those two. Actually, let me just do 30 00:02:07,316 --> 00:02:09,996 Speaker 1: a little survey really quickly. I get a sense of 31 00:02:10,036 --> 00:02:13,156 Speaker 1: where you're coming from in your pop culture knowledge. Are 32 00:02:13,196 --> 00:02:19,996 Speaker 1: you ready? Have you ever seen Sex in the City. 33 00:02:20,876 --> 00:02:25,756 Speaker 1: I have seen a fragment of one episode. Okay, okay, 34 00:02:26,756 --> 00:02:30,516 Speaker 1: good to know. Have you ever seen the Tracy Ellis 35 00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:38,996 Speaker 1: Raws show Girlfriends? No? Okay, have you ever seen the 36 00:02:39,036 --> 00:02:43,516 Speaker 1: show sex Education on Netflix? I have only seen the 37 00:02:44,396 --> 00:02:47,316 Speaker 1: meme of the girl who says, have you read that book? 38 00:02:47,316 --> 00:02:50,276 Speaker 1: Come as you are? Only Negowski? It's really good, just 39 00:02:50,316 --> 00:02:52,476 Speaker 1: because like a hundred people sent it to me. Do 40 00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:55,076 Speaker 1: you know most women's volves don't look likely do on Pornhub? 41 00:02:55,356 --> 00:02:56,916 Speaker 1: I was thought mine was a bit ugly because it's 42 00:02:56,916 --> 00:02:59,676 Speaker 1: not only top ten, but actually it's dead normal. Should 43 00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:06,356 Speaker 1: we come as you are. It's a great book. Okay. 44 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,476 Speaker 1: Good to know that your starting place for pop culture 45 00:03:09,516 --> 00:03:14,796 Speaker 1: references is media that you are mentioned in. Okay, So 46 00:03:15,316 --> 00:03:17,996 Speaker 1: for this episode, I'm going to start with a softball 47 00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:22,196 Speaker 1: for you, and I think it is something you have 48 00:03:22,316 --> 00:03:27,036 Speaker 1: actually seen before, because you mentioned that you love the 49 00:03:27,036 --> 00:03:30,716 Speaker 1: show ted Lasso. Yes, so you barely watch any TV. 50 00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:33,796 Speaker 1: But what do you like about ted Lasso? It was 51 00:03:34,036 --> 00:03:37,636 Speaker 1: just this summer that I started watching it, actually because 52 00:03:37,796 --> 00:03:41,956 Speaker 1: I was looking for something like really positive, end uplifting 53 00:03:42,116 --> 00:03:45,236 Speaker 1: without a whole lot of like stressful drama. And it 54 00:03:45,356 --> 00:03:49,356 Speaker 1: hit that note and then some and I didn't know 55 00:03:49,476 --> 00:03:52,116 Speaker 1: that it was going to have such interesting sex and 56 00:03:52,156 --> 00:03:56,196 Speaker 1: relationship stories. I started it because like everyone was talking 57 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,876 Speaker 1: about it, and then I was one of those things 58 00:03:58,876 --> 00:04:01,636 Speaker 1: where I just pressed play on one episode and then somehow, 59 00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:03,516 Speaker 1: like eight hours later, I had finished a whole season. 60 00:04:03,636 --> 00:04:06,396 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and then your day is gone, yes exactly, 61 00:04:07,436 --> 00:04:09,916 Speaker 1: and I'm crying and I'm like, I can't stop thinking 62 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,956 Speaker 1: about these characters. And also I was so shocked because 63 00:04:13,276 --> 00:04:15,796 Speaker 1: it's a sports show and I'm not a sports fan 64 00:04:16,276 --> 00:04:19,116 Speaker 1: right me either. So I'm going to set this clip 65 00:04:19,196 --> 00:04:23,316 Speaker 1: up for you. It starts in season two, Episode two, 66 00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:27,156 Speaker 1: and Roy Kent, as you know, the gruff, lovable former 67 00:04:27,196 --> 00:04:32,556 Speaker 1: team captain, has recently announced. I know I have a 68 00:04:32,676 --> 00:04:34,676 Speaker 1: real life Roy Kent in my life, my brother in law, 69 00:04:34,716 --> 00:04:36,676 Speaker 1: and it makes me just love the character so much. 70 00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:40,436 Speaker 1: Oh my god. So Roy Kent recently announced that he's 71 00:04:40,476 --> 00:04:45,036 Speaker 1: retiring from football aka soccer, and he's trying to figure 72 00:04:45,036 --> 00:04:47,436 Speaker 1: out what to do next. In the meantime, he's living 73 00:04:47,436 --> 00:04:50,916 Speaker 1: with his girlfriend Keiley and coaching like a children's soccer team, 74 00:04:51,076 --> 00:04:53,996 Speaker 1: which is so adorable because he takes it so seriously. 75 00:04:54,556 --> 00:04:56,636 Speaker 1: So cute. Okay, So one day he comes home from 76 00:04:56,676 --> 00:05:01,676 Speaker 1: coaching and he is looking for his girlfriend, Keiely, who's 77 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,836 Speaker 1: at home, and he finds her in bed with her 78 00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:13,756 Speaker 1: phone and she's making some noises. What's she doing now, Nothing? 79 00:05:16,156 --> 00:05:18,036 Speaker 1: I thought that you were an intruder, and I didn't 80 00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:21,276 Speaker 1: want you to steal it. All right, I'm gonna pause 81 00:05:21,356 --> 00:05:24,076 Speaker 1: this clip because I can tell you already have something 82 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:26,796 Speaker 1: to say. So to begin with, I want to say 83 00:05:27,396 --> 00:05:31,116 Speaker 1: it's a reality that in a long term, committed relationship, 84 00:05:31,196 --> 00:05:35,756 Speaker 1: people who masturbate before the relationship may still masturbate solo 85 00:05:36,276 --> 00:05:40,316 Speaker 1: even though they have a partner. It is normal and 86 00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:45,236 Speaker 1: in a long term relationship, especially a cohabiting relationship, if 87 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,996 Speaker 1: partners are masturbating solo, people might walk in on each 88 00:05:49,036 --> 00:05:53,876 Speaker 1: other while masturbating. That's a thing that happens. And Keenly's 89 00:05:53,876 --> 00:05:58,996 Speaker 1: first response was to throw her phone, and that actually 90 00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:02,996 Speaker 1: surprised me because she is a character who I mean, 91 00:06:03,076 --> 00:06:04,396 Speaker 1: I think if her as a person who would not 92 00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:07,476 Speaker 1: be bothered by being interrupted or seen masturbating, like, she's 93 00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:10,836 Speaker 1: not afraid or a shame about her masturbation. It's one 94 00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:13,916 Speaker 1: of the things I love about her. It's what she's 95 00:06:13,996 --> 00:06:20,556 Speaker 1: watching that she's worried he'll find out about. But if 96 00:06:20,556 --> 00:06:23,236 Speaker 1: that's the case, it still makes her extraordinary because a 97 00:06:23,236 --> 00:06:25,796 Speaker 1: lot of people, whether they're the one being walked in 98 00:06:25,836 --> 00:06:28,636 Speaker 1: on or they're the one doing the walking in, might 99 00:06:28,876 --> 00:06:32,476 Speaker 1: have this big flash of shame in their body because 100 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:35,036 Speaker 1: we have absolutely been taught to be ashamed of masturbation. 101 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:40,836 Speaker 1: So here we have close to ideal modeling of how 102 00:06:40,876 --> 00:06:43,836 Speaker 1: to engage with the reality that a partner is masturbating solo, 103 00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:46,756 Speaker 1: even though in their committed relationship. Okay, so let's keep 104 00:06:46,796 --> 00:06:50,476 Speaker 1: going with this scene. Bye, come on, I'm embarrassed. Whatever 105 00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:53,716 Speaker 1: it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex 106 00:06:53,756 --> 00:06:57,756 Speaker 1: in the woods. Why because I could never be that free. 107 00:06:57,996 --> 00:07:01,076 Speaker 1: Come on, let me see, I should know what guesse 108 00:07:01,156 --> 00:07:04,596 Speaker 1: you're going. Okay, I'm gonna pause again, and we're not 109 00:07:04,676 --> 00:07:06,956 Speaker 1: done with the scene yet, but I feel like you're 110 00:07:06,996 --> 00:07:10,276 Speaker 1: going to have some big sex educator energy reaction to 111 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:15,276 Speaker 1: what's happening here. I love that Roy wants to know 112 00:07:15,316 --> 00:07:18,596 Speaker 1: what she's watching, especially that he says, whatever it is, 113 00:07:18,636 --> 00:07:22,116 Speaker 1: it's fine, right, That's what makes it completely okay. If 114 00:07:22,116 --> 00:07:25,756 Speaker 1: he wanted to know because he felt jealous of the 115 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:29,036 Speaker 1: porn or judgmental, or wanted to affirm that he isn't 116 00:07:29,036 --> 00:07:33,676 Speaker 1: grossed out by what she likes, that all would not 117 00:07:33,756 --> 00:07:36,436 Speaker 1: be great. But instead he's just purely curious. He wants 118 00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:38,996 Speaker 1: to know because he feels like it could enhance his 119 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:43,756 Speaker 1: practice as a lover. Right, He is not questioning out 120 00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:48,076 Speaker 1: of a sense of vindictive like I should know what 121 00:07:48,116 --> 00:07:51,556 Speaker 1: you're doing sexually because i'm your boyfriend, because I want 122 00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:54,396 Speaker 1: to be in control of your sexuality, right, or there 123 00:07:54,396 --> 00:07:56,316 Speaker 1: are some things that are okay and some things that 124 00:07:56,356 --> 00:07:59,756 Speaker 1: are not okay. He's just like, whatever works for you, 125 00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:03,076 Speaker 1: I want to know so I can help get you 126 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:07,076 Speaker 1: more turned on? Right, I love it. And he's so 127 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:12,116 Speaker 1: confident in this like gorgeous, non judgmental, curious attitude that 128 00:08:12,156 --> 00:08:15,156 Speaker 1: they each have toward each other's sexual minds that he 129 00:08:15,196 --> 00:08:19,276 Speaker 1: helps convince her that he really won't judge her by 130 00:08:19,316 --> 00:08:24,396 Speaker 1: describing what he watches, and when she's surprised by that, 131 00:08:25,436 --> 00:08:28,956 Speaker 1: instead of being judgmental, she just asked why, and he says, 132 00:08:29,236 --> 00:08:31,476 Speaker 1: he says, this is so important. He says, the thing 133 00:08:31,516 --> 00:08:35,036 Speaker 1: that characterizes much porn consumption. Like a lot of people 134 00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:37,436 Speaker 1: are going to relate to this. He says, I could 135 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:40,836 Speaker 1: never be that free. Why do you watch videos of 136 00:08:40,836 --> 00:08:43,036 Speaker 1: people having sex in the woods? I could never be 137 00:08:43,116 --> 00:08:45,116 Speaker 1: that free. Here we have Roy Kent. He is the 138 00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:51,196 Speaker 1: quintessential hyper masculine professional footballer. I could never be that free. 139 00:08:52,596 --> 00:08:55,636 Speaker 1: He watches it because it's something he fantasizes about but 140 00:08:55,756 --> 00:08:58,076 Speaker 1: would never bring himself to do in real life. And 141 00:08:58,076 --> 00:09:02,076 Speaker 1: it's amazing that he knows his limits. And like my heart, 142 00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:06,196 Speaker 1: in my heart, I really hope that he is really welcoming, 143 00:09:06,316 --> 00:09:09,116 Speaker 1: accepting of his limits and doesn't judge or shame himsel 144 00:09:09,356 --> 00:09:12,316 Speaker 1: for not wanting to have sex in a potentially public 145 00:09:12,356 --> 00:09:14,996 Speaker 1: place because that hits his brakes. It's normal. I mean, 146 00:09:15,036 --> 00:09:16,476 Speaker 1: it's normal for it not to hit the brakes, and 147 00:09:16,476 --> 00:09:18,476 Speaker 1: it's normal for it to hit the brakes. And I 148 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,076 Speaker 1: hope that he accepts and welcomes and loves that he 149 00:09:21,196 --> 00:09:24,556 Speaker 1: is who he is. Honestly, one of the reasons I 150 00:09:24,636 --> 00:09:28,196 Speaker 1: chose this scene is because of that line. I think 151 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,716 Speaker 1: you bring up such a good point, because like sometimes 152 00:09:30,716 --> 00:09:33,196 Speaker 1: the porn we watch or whatever we watch for stimulation 153 00:09:33,436 --> 00:09:36,196 Speaker 1: isn't about something that we actually want to do in 154 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,076 Speaker 1: real life. It's not like it's a one to one. 155 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:42,876 Speaker 1: It's just hitting our accelerator or triggering our accelerator, right am, 156 00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:45,516 Speaker 1: I right, But it's not like, yep, necessarily we have 157 00:09:45,596 --> 00:09:48,596 Speaker 1: to want to do that thing if we're watching it. Exactly. 158 00:09:48,636 --> 00:09:52,436 Speaker 1: The context of watching something that activates your accelerator is 159 00:09:52,476 --> 00:09:55,356 Speaker 1: totally different from the context of actually doing something that 160 00:09:55,556 --> 00:09:58,116 Speaker 1: maybe it activates the accelerator, but in real life it 161 00:09:58,116 --> 00:10:01,156 Speaker 1: would hit the brakes, like having sex in the woods, 162 00:10:01,596 --> 00:10:03,756 Speaker 1: right right, right, right right. I think a lot of 163 00:10:03,756 --> 00:10:06,876 Speaker 1: people can relate to that. So I want to take 164 00:10:06,876 --> 00:10:09,516 Speaker 1: a quick break before we get into the next part 165 00:10:09,556 --> 00:10:12,796 Speaker 1: of the scene, where we talk about what Keely has 166 00:10:12,836 --> 00:10:26,796 Speaker 1: been watching. All right, Okay, so we're back with a 167 00:10:26,956 --> 00:10:30,956 Speaker 1: special pop culture analysis episode that we're calling real Talk 168 00:10:31,236 --> 00:10:35,516 Speaker 1: Fake Sex, And in this episode we are talking about 169 00:10:35,916 --> 00:10:40,036 Speaker 1: ted Lasso, one of the only contemporary shows that Emily 170 00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:44,276 Speaker 1: Nagaski has seen what I have actually watched. Okay. So 171 00:10:44,396 --> 00:10:48,916 Speaker 1: Roy catches his girlfriend Keely masturbating to something on her phone. 172 00:10:49,676 --> 00:10:52,836 Speaker 1: He asks to see what she's watching, and they have 173 00:10:52,876 --> 00:10:55,276 Speaker 1: a little back and forth, a delightful back and forth 174 00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:59,516 Speaker 1: about that, and then Keily hands him her phone and 175 00:10:59,676 --> 00:11:03,996 Speaker 1: we see that Keely has been watching a YouTube video 176 00:11:04,316 --> 00:11:11,836 Speaker 1: of her boyfriend at a press conference. I am announcing 177 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:23,476 Speaker 1: my retirement. Wow. Okay, So it turns out Keeley is 178 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:28,436 Speaker 1: masturbating to her boyfriend announcing his retirement and crying yeah 179 00:11:28,516 --> 00:11:33,116 Speaker 1: about leaving the sport he loves. Oh my god, the fuck? 180 00:11:34,156 --> 00:11:38,116 Speaker 1: This is your kink? Maybe I pathetic? Not being pathetic, 181 00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:43,236 Speaker 1: you mean passionate and vulnerable. When he thinks about that video, 182 00:11:43,316 --> 00:11:48,996 Speaker 1: he thinks that it's him being pathetic. Yeah, but Keiley. 183 00:11:49,396 --> 00:11:53,596 Speaker 1: Keiley's like, it's not pathetic, it is passionate and vulnerable. 184 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:58,636 Speaker 1: It's this reframe that tells us what she really loves 185 00:11:58,716 --> 00:12:02,236 Speaker 1: about him, not that he's a football player, but that 186 00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:05,796 Speaker 1: he can be passionate and vulnerable like that. For some reason, 187 00:12:05,836 --> 00:12:08,996 Speaker 1: I love the characters who like never smile in public 188 00:12:09,156 --> 00:12:13,796 Speaker 1: and they only ever in public express masculine emotions and 189 00:12:13,996 --> 00:12:18,836 Speaker 1: masculinity you're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to win, 190 00:12:19,236 --> 00:12:22,116 Speaker 1: and you're allowed to be horny, and that's basically it. 191 00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:26,956 Speaker 1: But if this stoic never smiles in public, never expresses 192 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:30,596 Speaker 1: other emotions, then you get him in private and he 193 00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:35,596 Speaker 1: shares with you. They're soft, squishy insides. You get to 194 00:12:35,676 --> 00:12:39,596 Speaker 1: feel like you earn that tenderness and that vulnerability. That's 195 00:12:39,636 --> 00:12:42,036 Speaker 1: mister Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Right in the beginning, 196 00:12:42,076 --> 00:12:46,676 Speaker 1: he never smiles, he's never sweet. But in the second 197 00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:50,396 Speaker 1: half he comes back and there's all this vulnerability and 198 00:12:50,476 --> 00:12:53,956 Speaker 1: passion and it's like he's a fried cheese stick of 199 00:12:53,996 --> 00:12:58,676 Speaker 1: a man with his crispy exterior and the warm, gooey inside. 200 00:12:58,716 --> 00:13:02,476 Speaker 1: Of course, it is hot that she has granted access 201 00:13:02,516 --> 00:13:06,716 Speaker 1: to his mozzarella insides, and I actually think that the 202 00:13:06,836 --> 00:13:11,236 Speaker 1: disappearance of Roy's bull nobility and passion after he retires 203 00:13:11,796 --> 00:13:14,516 Speaker 1: makes really good sense. Of course that goes away. Here's 204 00:13:14,516 --> 00:13:19,596 Speaker 1: the guy with the job that intensely validates his performance 205 00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:23,276 Speaker 1: of like high masculinity. You know how there's like high femme. 206 00:13:23,756 --> 00:13:29,116 Speaker 1: This is high masculinity. He is hairy and strong and big. 207 00:13:29,116 --> 00:13:34,276 Speaker 1: He's a professional athlete. And the confidence there are people 208 00:13:34,276 --> 00:13:39,636 Speaker 1: who chant his name because he's good a sport, but 209 00:13:39,796 --> 00:13:43,516 Speaker 1: because it's so validating, it gives him this confidence that 210 00:13:43,596 --> 00:13:47,956 Speaker 1: turns into permission to reveal his vulnerability. When he's with 211 00:13:48,116 --> 00:13:52,796 Speaker 1: his girl friend, she gets the gooey inside. He proves 212 00:13:52,876 --> 00:13:54,956 Speaker 1: that he is masculine enough when he's on the pitch 213 00:13:55,236 --> 00:13:57,396 Speaker 1: so that he doesn't have to prove that when he's 214 00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:01,556 Speaker 1: alone with her. And now because he has retired, he 215 00:14:01,596 --> 00:14:05,716 Speaker 1: doesn't have that validation anymore. The confidence that comes from 216 00:14:05,716 --> 00:14:09,516 Speaker 1: all of that validation, the confidence of the he knows 217 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:14,876 Speaker 1: he's masculine enough to be vulnerable with Keiey. And of 218 00:14:14,876 --> 00:14:17,556 Speaker 1: course she misses it. Of course she does. After he 219 00:14:17,596 --> 00:14:20,276 Speaker 1: sees what she's watching, Roy says, this is your kink. 220 00:14:21,116 --> 00:14:23,676 Speaker 1: I'm curious what you think about him using the word 221 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,916 Speaker 1: kink there, Like, maybe he's just using that term colloquially, 222 00:14:27,276 --> 00:14:30,236 Speaker 1: but what's going on there. I think he's really using 223 00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:34,116 Speaker 1: it just to indicate that he doesn't understand why that 224 00:14:34,156 --> 00:14:37,996 Speaker 1: would be sexy for her, in particular, when he finds 225 00:14:37,996 --> 00:14:41,756 Speaker 1: it the opposite of sexy, he finds it humiliating. It 226 00:14:41,796 --> 00:14:44,476 Speaker 1: would make sense for him to assume that what turns 227 00:14:44,476 --> 00:14:50,556 Speaker 1: her on is his masculine self. Like she's dating a footballer, 228 00:14:51,396 --> 00:14:54,836 Speaker 1: why wouldn't she masturbate to a video of him scoring 229 00:14:55,036 --> 00:15:00,836 Speaker 1: a literal goal? Because that's how he understands masculinity, that 230 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:04,236 Speaker 1: it's that performance that women are interested in. And I 231 00:15:04,396 --> 00:15:08,596 Speaker 1: don't think at any point he thinks that she's turned 232 00:15:08,636 --> 00:15:12,276 Speaker 1: on by a video of anyone crying, which would like 233 00:15:12,436 --> 00:15:14,436 Speaker 1: put it into like I just like I love watching 234 00:15:14,436 --> 00:15:16,556 Speaker 1: people cry and that's what turns me on. I think 235 00:15:16,636 --> 00:15:19,636 Speaker 1: he understands from the beginning that it's the video of 236 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:23,476 Speaker 1: him crying that turns her on. Well, it's interesting to 237 00:15:23,516 --> 00:15:26,316 Speaker 1: me that Keiely is turned on by this video even 238 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:33,196 Speaker 1: though it's not sexual or explicit per se. What do 239 00:15:33,196 --> 00:15:38,076 Speaker 1: you make of that? Not sexual? According to whom? Because 240 00:15:38,116 --> 00:15:43,036 Speaker 1: it clearly activates Keiley's accelerator right as far as her 241 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,396 Speaker 1: brain is concerned, this is a sex related stimulus so 242 00:15:46,476 --> 00:15:49,756 Speaker 1: strong that any amount of breaks hitting does not interfere. 243 00:15:51,196 --> 00:15:54,756 Speaker 1: She is into his emotion, his passion, his vulnerability that 244 00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:59,796 Speaker 1: it turns her on. Okay, So now I want to 245 00:15:59,796 --> 00:16:02,716 Speaker 1: bring you the last part of the scene. We leave 246 00:16:02,756 --> 00:16:06,796 Speaker 1: the moment where they're talking about the video and the masturbation. 247 00:16:07,356 --> 00:16:11,716 Speaker 1: The episode continues. Gets a new job as a pundit 248 00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:15,796 Speaker 1: on TV talking about soccer, which is something that Keely 249 00:16:15,876 --> 00:16:19,436 Speaker 1: had encouraged him to do because she thinks he'll love it, 250 00:16:19,596 --> 00:16:23,116 Speaker 1: and he does. He loves it. So he comes home 251 00:16:23,476 --> 00:16:26,196 Speaker 1: from his first day on the job and he's feeling 252 00:16:26,396 --> 00:16:31,236 Speaker 1: overwhelmed with emotion, overwhelmed with happiness. But it's impossible to 253 00:16:31,316 --> 00:16:33,876 Speaker 1: tell if Roy Kent is happy because he just looks 254 00:16:33,956 --> 00:16:41,156 Speaker 1: permanently grumpy. Had a guy come Bibe say something, Well, 255 00:16:41,156 --> 00:16:44,876 Speaker 1: you're just gonna pretend that you hated it. You're amazing 256 00:16:46,876 --> 00:16:51,276 Speaker 1: shits you many today, Okay, So let me just explain 257 00:16:51,356 --> 00:16:54,276 Speaker 1: what's happening in the scene because you can't see it, Okay. 258 00:16:54,316 --> 00:16:57,836 Speaker 1: So Roy takes Keeley's phone and he starts looking something 259 00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:00,676 Speaker 1: up on it, like typing into it, and he says 260 00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:04,796 Speaker 1: to her, he says, I want to thank you properly, okay, 261 00:17:05,156 --> 00:17:07,356 Speaker 1: and then he kneels in front of her, like in 262 00:17:07,396 --> 00:17:11,756 Speaker 1: between her legs, he puts her air pods in her ears, 263 00:17:12,876 --> 00:17:16,516 Speaker 1: and then he hands her back her phone, tells her 264 00:17:16,676 --> 00:17:23,716 Speaker 1: to press play, and and it's the video of him 265 00:17:23,716 --> 00:17:28,756 Speaker 1: crying at his retirement speech. So for the listeners, basically 266 00:17:28,876 --> 00:17:32,236 Speaker 1: he is going down on her while she watches this 267 00:17:32,356 --> 00:17:37,676 Speaker 1: video of him crying and in scene. So, I've watched 268 00:17:37,716 --> 00:17:39,876 Speaker 1: the whole series three times, and the first time I 269 00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:42,956 Speaker 1: saw this, when I realized why he was putting in 270 00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:47,556 Speaker 1: the air pods, I gasped and my jaw dropped and 271 00:17:47,636 --> 00:17:50,876 Speaker 1: I cried. I loved it so much because he's giving 272 00:17:50,876 --> 00:17:54,076 Speaker 1: her what she likes in a way where he doesn't 273 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,916 Speaker 1: have to hear it himself. He just gets a big 274 00:17:56,916 --> 00:17:59,836 Speaker 1: old mouthful of puss. I didn't think about that that, Like, 275 00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:02,476 Speaker 1: he is not turned on by it. So by giving 276 00:18:02,476 --> 00:18:04,516 Speaker 1: her the AirPods, he doesn't even have to hear it. 277 00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:07,516 Speaker 1: It's all for her, right, And so for him to 278 00:18:07,636 --> 00:18:09,596 Speaker 1: bring it back up to be like, I know this 279 00:18:09,716 --> 00:18:12,196 Speaker 1: works for you, and I have no shame about that, 280 00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:14,036 Speaker 1: and I want it to keep working for you if 281 00:18:14,036 --> 00:18:16,796 Speaker 1: it's working for you, like that really struck me. I 282 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,036 Speaker 1: would like to point out that what he chooses not 283 00:18:19,116 --> 00:18:24,156 Speaker 1: only does he choose the video. He also chooses Kona Lingus. 284 00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:28,036 Speaker 1: Maybe they have intercourse later, but like he chooses Kino 285 00:18:28,076 --> 00:18:30,956 Speaker 1: Lingus first, and season one established for us that Keiley 286 00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:36,236 Speaker 1: likes Kona Lingus. So he's choosing two things that really 287 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:41,916 Speaker 1: center and prioritize her pleasure totally. Yes, So imagine a 288 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:46,596 Speaker 1: real life Keiley and Roy couple, Like, how would you 289 00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:50,556 Speaker 1: see a video like this or stibulus like this playing 290 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:53,396 Speaker 1: into their sex life Because I mean, I don't think 291 00:18:53,396 --> 00:18:55,236 Speaker 1: they would want to be watching it all the time, 292 00:18:55,476 --> 00:18:57,396 Speaker 1: or she would want to be watching it all the time. 293 00:18:57,716 --> 00:19:00,516 Speaker 1: It feels to me like in the story, it's fulfilling 294 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,876 Speaker 1: the role of the vulnerability and passion that she used 295 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:07,996 Speaker 1: to have access to directly through the man. And as 296 00:19:08,116 --> 00:19:13,156 Speaker 1: he continues to feel validated and connected with the game 297 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:16,876 Speaker 1: he loves, which affirms his masculinity, he'll stay confident enough 298 00:19:17,396 --> 00:19:21,916 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable with Keeley and not lose the passion 299 00:19:22,356 --> 00:19:26,516 Speaker 1: and that authenticity that she finds such a turn on. So, 300 00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,996 Speaker 1: based on this scene and what you were talking about 301 00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:33,436 Speaker 1: about vulnerability and maybe things that turn people on being emotional, Like, 302 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:36,236 Speaker 1: do you have any advice for real couples that might 303 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,916 Speaker 1: be turned on by vulnerability, but struggling to access it 304 00:19:39,956 --> 00:19:42,676 Speaker 1: with each other. Yeah, I think the main thing to 305 00:19:42,756 --> 00:19:49,076 Speaker 1: understand is that we act invulnerable for reasons. Whether you're 306 00:19:49,196 --> 00:19:51,676 Speaker 1: following the it's a girl script you were handed or 307 00:19:51,716 --> 00:19:54,156 Speaker 1: the it's a boy script you were handed, you were 308 00:19:54,196 --> 00:19:57,076 Speaker 1: taught that certain emotions were acceptable and other emotions were 309 00:19:57,116 --> 00:20:01,636 Speaker 1: not acceptable, and you literally were punished for expressing the 310 00:20:01,676 --> 00:20:04,316 Speaker 1: emotions outside of the script that you were told was 311 00:20:04,676 --> 00:20:07,956 Speaker 1: here's everything you're allowed to say and do. So I 312 00:20:07,996 --> 00:20:10,636 Speaker 1: was told that I was ugly when I frowned, right, 313 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:14,716 Speaker 1: and boys are told to be little men, boys don't cry. 314 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,316 Speaker 1: Could we've actually been punished for these things. So if 315 00:20:18,356 --> 00:20:22,956 Speaker 1: we struggle to display these things in front of our 316 00:20:23,076 --> 00:20:27,876 Speaker 1: significant other, it's not for no reason, right, But there 317 00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:30,836 Speaker 1: is a lot of sexy potential when we behave outside 318 00:20:30,836 --> 00:20:34,076 Speaker 1: of our scripts. Yeah, Because like for me, you know, 319 00:20:34,076 --> 00:20:37,916 Speaker 1: I'm attracted to mostly films and women and seeing them 320 00:20:37,956 --> 00:20:41,356 Speaker 1: get angry is really hot to me. And that's something 321 00:20:41,396 --> 00:20:44,116 Speaker 1: that was outside of the film script you know that 322 00:20:44,156 --> 00:20:47,236 Speaker 1: we're told is acceptable. See, And what is it about 323 00:20:47,276 --> 00:20:50,876 Speaker 1: the anger? It's not the anger per se, right, that's hot, right, 324 00:20:51,036 --> 00:20:55,596 Speaker 1: It is the trust and authenticity that they're exhibiting with you, 325 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,596 Speaker 1: that they know that you welcome that from them, that 326 00:20:59,636 --> 00:21:02,836 Speaker 1: it's okay, that you feel safe and you're not worried 327 00:21:02,956 --> 00:21:06,596 Speaker 1: about them expressing anger in front of you, Like we 328 00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:10,516 Speaker 1: are connected in this moment a way that is not 329 00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:15,396 Speaker 1: obstructed by all the cultural noise about what emotions are acceptable. 330 00:21:17,956 --> 00:21:22,636 Speaker 1: That is a hot take down. I think it would 331 00:21:22,676 --> 00:21:26,516 Speaker 1: be advanced to begin with tell me what you think 332 00:21:26,596 --> 00:21:29,556 Speaker 1: about or watch when you masturbate. Some couples are ready 333 00:21:29,596 --> 00:21:33,156 Speaker 1: for that conversation, but maybe just start with a gentler 334 00:21:33,196 --> 00:21:35,796 Speaker 1: conversation about tell me some of the good things you'd 335 00:21:35,796 --> 00:21:40,116 Speaker 1: like about our erotic connection, and gradually build up to 336 00:21:40,276 --> 00:21:42,276 Speaker 1: tell me what you think about our watch when you masturbate. 337 00:21:44,516 --> 00:21:46,516 Speaker 1: I love that this has not turned into a conversation 338 00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:49,236 Speaker 1: about watching stuff when you masturbate, and couples you know, 339 00:21:49,316 --> 00:21:53,596 Speaker 1: watching different things, but really the deeper conversation about emotional 340 00:21:53,716 --> 00:21:58,036 Speaker 1: erotic connection. I think you take a break, what do 341 00:21:58,036 --> 00:22:01,916 Speaker 1: you think definitely cool down? Yes, take a little cool down, 342 00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:06,476 Speaker 1: get a cold glass of water, and when we get back, Emily, 343 00:22:06,596 --> 00:22:09,076 Speaker 1: you're going to rate this scene as a sex educate. 344 00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:24,156 Speaker 1: So Emily, I have devised a five star rating system. 345 00:22:24,236 --> 00:22:28,836 Speaker 1: It is a zero to five star scale. Zero being 346 00:22:29,236 --> 00:22:32,396 Speaker 1: an active violence portrayed as eratica maybe something you would 347 00:22:32,396 --> 00:22:35,036 Speaker 1: have seen on Game of Thrones not to name any names, 348 00:22:35,036 --> 00:22:38,236 Speaker 1: but actually yes, to name a name there, and five 349 00:22:38,276 --> 00:22:42,316 Speaker 1: stars being like incredible, something that made your work as 350 00:22:42,316 --> 00:22:46,556 Speaker 1: a sex educator easier. I'm actually going to give this 351 00:22:46,596 --> 00:22:51,156 Speaker 1: scene at four point five. Wow, hell yeah, a very 352 00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:54,356 Speaker 1: high rating, right, a very high rating. Yeah. I mean, 353 00:22:54,596 --> 00:22:57,756 Speaker 1: you could have chosen something to torture me, but instead 354 00:22:57,796 --> 00:22:59,716 Speaker 1: you chose one of my favorite things in media, So 355 00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:03,796 Speaker 1: that's great. So what makes it a four point five? 356 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:07,676 Speaker 1: What do you like about this scene? I love their 357 00:23:07,836 --> 00:23:14,196 Speaker 1: curiosity and non judgment of each other's erotic minds. I 358 00:23:14,236 --> 00:23:22,476 Speaker 1: love their communication. I love that they don't diss each other, 359 00:23:22,516 --> 00:23:26,356 Speaker 1: but they do ask questions. And on a superficial level, 360 00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:30,116 Speaker 1: it's a good model of how to approach the fact 361 00:23:30,156 --> 00:23:32,916 Speaker 1: that your partner masturbates without you, or the fact that 362 00:23:32,956 --> 00:23:37,356 Speaker 1: you masturbate without your partner. Right, that's the superficial level, 363 00:23:37,476 --> 00:23:39,596 Speaker 1: But on a deeper level, I feel like this is 364 00:23:39,596 --> 00:23:43,276 Speaker 1: a good model of how to navigate gender bullshit that 365 00:23:43,516 --> 00:23:46,316 Speaker 1: all of us are carrying around, regardless of your gender 366 00:23:46,396 --> 00:23:49,796 Speaker 1: or your partner's gender. There is some junk that is 367 00:23:49,836 --> 00:23:53,556 Speaker 1: just in you, and it prevents us from becoming our 368 00:23:53,556 --> 00:23:57,676 Speaker 1: full erotic selves. And this is a great example. Without 369 00:23:57,796 --> 00:24:02,516 Speaker 1: requiring Roy to change and become a person who like 370 00:24:02,716 --> 00:24:06,956 Speaker 1: articulates his feelings and flowing sonnets, he can still be 371 00:24:07,076 --> 00:24:11,996 Speaker 1: himself and also not buy into the lies that he's 372 00:24:12,036 --> 00:24:14,516 Speaker 1: not allowed to be vulnerable or passionate and that for 373 00:24:14,596 --> 00:24:19,116 Speaker 1: someone to love that about him is a kink. But 374 00:24:19,316 --> 00:24:22,796 Speaker 1: I can't go to a full five, right why. I 375 00:24:22,876 --> 00:24:25,036 Speaker 1: understand that they needed to be efficient in a storytelling. 376 00:24:25,156 --> 00:24:27,636 Speaker 1: I'm making a television show, but I do wish there 377 00:24:27,636 --> 00:24:30,396 Speaker 1: were more non genital touch before he goes right for 378 00:24:30,436 --> 00:24:33,916 Speaker 1: the vulva. Oh right, we can't see the video, but 379 00:24:34,036 --> 00:24:37,356 Speaker 1: he goes full face into the crotch in the final scene. Right. 380 00:24:38,716 --> 00:24:42,236 Speaker 1: So I like to imagine that in real life he 381 00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:45,476 Speaker 1: would spend some time with his hands all over her, 382 00:24:45,556 --> 00:24:47,756 Speaker 1: and his mouth on her knees and her in her 383 00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:51,356 Speaker 1: thighs and like all that very sensitive area before he 384 00:24:51,396 --> 00:24:54,676 Speaker 1: goes anywhere near the clit. And I want to mention 385 00:24:54,676 --> 00:24:57,316 Speaker 1: that I am making assumptions about her genital organization, that 386 00:24:57,476 --> 00:24:59,916 Speaker 1: he's a sisgender woman with it's a girl's parts. We 387 00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,596 Speaker 1: don't know that for sure, but I'm going to assume 388 00:25:02,596 --> 00:25:07,276 Speaker 1: THATTT for expediency right now. Another part that's missing is 389 00:25:07,316 --> 00:25:10,396 Speaker 1: that she's really worried. He says, give me your phone. 390 00:25:10,476 --> 00:25:14,196 Speaker 1: She doesn't know why she's giving him her phone. It's 391 00:25:14,236 --> 00:25:16,516 Speaker 1: only when she sees that he put on the video 392 00:25:17,196 --> 00:25:19,876 Speaker 1: that she knows everything is okay. And she goes from 393 00:25:19,876 --> 00:25:26,196 Speaker 1: worried too aroused in like two seconds and again expediency. 394 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:30,236 Speaker 1: It's a television show, but like in real life, it 395 00:25:30,276 --> 00:25:33,076 Speaker 1: would probably take more of a warm up page. Sure, 396 00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:38,876 Speaker 1: that's a little bit unrealistic. All right, So you're giving 397 00:25:38,916 --> 00:25:42,476 Speaker 1: the scene from ted Lasso a four point five. I'm 398 00:25:42,516 --> 00:25:44,876 Speaker 1: putting it on the books, I'm marking it down, and 399 00:25:45,516 --> 00:25:48,116 Speaker 1: I'm sure the producers of ted Lasso will be very 400 00:25:48,396 --> 00:25:50,956 Speaker 1: impressed by that. Oh, they are definitely listening right now, 401 00:25:50,996 --> 00:25:57,916 Speaker 1: and they have a lot to say. I'm getting okay. 402 00:25:57,956 --> 00:26:01,436 Speaker 1: So next week we're going to answer another question, and 403 00:26:01,636 --> 00:26:04,396 Speaker 1: it's going to be about a concept that you introduced 404 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:19,516 Speaker 1: me to, Emily, which is the Enthusiastic Maybe Okay. Commas 405 00:26:19,516 --> 00:26:22,796 Speaker 1: You Are is a production of Pushkin Industries and Madison Wells. 406 00:26:23,076 --> 00:26:26,396 Speaker 1: It's hosted by Emily Nagowsky. You can find Emily on 407 00:26:26,476 --> 00:26:30,796 Speaker 1: Instagram at e Nagosky and on Twitter at Emily Nagosky. 408 00:26:31,356 --> 00:26:33,876 Speaker 1: You can also sign up for her newsletter at Emily 409 00:26:33,956 --> 00:26:37,716 Speaker 1: Nagowsky dot com, where she writes about everything from the 410 00:26:37,796 --> 00:26:41,476 Speaker 1: clitterest in your mind to orgasm after having his directed me. 411 00:26:41,596 --> 00:26:45,476 Speaker 1: It's an incredible newsletter. Highly recommended. This show is co 412 00:26:45,636 --> 00:26:48,836 Speaker 1: hosted and lead produced by me mo La Board. You 413 00:26:48,876 --> 00:26:52,236 Speaker 1: can find me online at mola Board and on TikTok 414 00:26:52,436 --> 00:26:56,956 Speaker 1: at podcast dot slut, Sorry mom My. Co producer on 415 00:26:56,996 --> 00:27:00,356 Speaker 1: this show is the fabulous Brittany Brown. Our editor is 416 00:27:00,476 --> 00:27:04,036 Speaker 1: Kate Parkinson Morgan. Sound design and mix by Anne Pope. 417 00:27:04,596 --> 00:27:09,036 Speaker 1: Executive producers are Mia LaBelle and leetal Malade at Pushkin. 418 00:27:09,356 --> 00:27:14,476 Speaker 1: Thanks to Heather Faine, Carly Migliori, Sophie Crane, Courtney Guarino, 419 00:27:14,916 --> 00:27:20,476 Speaker 1: Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton, John Schnars, and Jacob Weisberg at 420 00:27:20,516 --> 00:27:25,636 Speaker 1: Madison Wells. Thanks to Kylie Williams, Elizabeth Goodstein, and Gg Pritzker. 421 00:27:26,076 --> 00:27:31,956 Speaker 1: Additional thanks to Rich Stevens, Lindsay Edgecombe, Frolick Media, and 422 00:27:32,236 --> 00:27:36,556 Speaker 1: Peter Acker at Armadillo Audio Group. Original music for this 423 00:27:36,636 --> 00:27:41,276 Speaker 1: series was composed by Ameliagosky and arranged and recorded by 424 00:27:41,316 --> 00:27:47,396 Speaker 1: Alexandra Kalinovsky. Additional music from Epidemic Sound. 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