Speaker 1: So I went to a recital at my daughter's school
Speaker 1: last week, and uh, these kids are aliens, Like it's weird.
Speaker 1: It's such an interesting age twelve. So they could be
Speaker 1: dating someone else and not speak to them at all,
Speaker 1: Like the person doesn't speak like what you guys are dating?
Speaker 1: You guys said you're dating? Like what do you mean?
Speaker 1: Why did that person just walked by and you didn't
Speaker 1: say Hi, I'm mom. I don't know, Like okay, it's
Speaker 1: like weird aliens like dogs at a dog park, like
Speaker 1: sniffing each other, like different ways than us adults act
Speaker 1: like you're not dating that guy. You didn't even say
Speaker 1: hello to him. What, I don't get it. Okay, So
Speaker 1: that's that um. Also if they break up with someone
Speaker 1: like they don't care, they sort of care, they don't care.
Speaker 1: It's like they have the attention span an emotional capacity
Speaker 1: of a gnat, but they could get really upset about
Speaker 1: like Lassie the dog getting hurt on television. It's just
Speaker 1: they're they're just aliens, these people. And so I was
Speaker 1: at my daughter's recital and there's a mom that I
Speaker 1: know who I saw, and her daughter is Brind's age,
Speaker 1: and in Brine's class, and I had forgotten that. And
Speaker 1: they lived down the street from each other in the
Speaker 1: Hamptons and they know each other there. They're only like
Speaker 1: a hundred kids in the class. So she knows this
Speaker 1: person and takes classes with them. And so I said
Speaker 1: to Brian, do you know her? Do you like And
Speaker 1: she said, yeah, she's nice. And the mom that I
Speaker 1: saw said that her daughter said Broom is nice. Okay,
Speaker 1: so they thanked each other are nice, but it was
Speaker 1: like sort of suspect, like they're not really friends or
Speaker 1: suss as the kids like to say, but they're not
Speaker 1: not friends. So we're at the school and I saw
Speaker 1: the girl and I walked over because I'm thinking, oh
Speaker 1: my god, my summer because my daughter is you know.
Speaker 1: She's like, we're we're codependent. We're like Siamese twins. She's
Speaker 1: on top of me and like, won't let me have
Speaker 1: one second of my life back. It's just she's obsessed
Speaker 1: with me, and I love it. It's like living with
Speaker 1: a stalker in your home. Like I'm like, I need
Speaker 1: to get a restraining order. I need a second just
Speaker 1: to like live my own fucking life and my own body.
Speaker 1: But it's my choice. Like we just we You're like
Speaker 1: they have the memory of a freaking cocker span and
Speaker 1: we just we were just together. We had breakfast, we
Speaker 1: just went to the beach. We just swam. We just
Speaker 1: took at your cuzy. I just made you uh food.
Speaker 1: We watched movies last night, you slept in my bed.
Speaker 1: I brought you into this fucking world. I want one second.
Speaker 1: I don't want to role play with you like at
Speaker 1: the pool and talk about let's talk about this. You're this,
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm like, I'm a person who needs a
Speaker 1: fucking break, Like I just need a goddamn minute of
Speaker 1: my life. You didn't have a nanny. I I literally
Speaker 1: have no friends, no social life, nothing, vodka and my
Speaker 1: bed and you are the only things I've gone for
Speaker 1: me like in this lifetime. Like I need a goddamn
Speaker 1: it just to look at the end side of my eyelids.
Speaker 1: So anyway, so I'm thinking, oh, this friend is down
Speaker 1: the street because my daughter doesn't want to go to camp.
Speaker 1: Let's not do mom shaming and guilty and all this ship.
Speaker 1: We can do that. Do that with your own fucking friends.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it. I don't give a ship.
Speaker 1: I have the best kid. I have the best relationship
Speaker 1: with her. I lived for her. She's right here. Oh
Speaker 1: it doesn't fit mind, isn't videat. It's a little. You
Speaker 1: need to get that taken in like a little. She's
Speaker 1: gonna have to go take it right nowt of the
Speaker 1: tail back to the tailor. You know what to say
Speaker 1: at the tailor. Twice today, I love you. I was
Speaker 1: just talking about how much I love you and how
Speaker 1: I love that we don't have any space from one another.
Speaker 1: The side rant is I don't borrow close. It's just
Speaker 1: a thing that I don't do. I just buy and
Speaker 1: I just don't care. And I was talking at the
Speaker 1: Bellas on their podcast about like we don't care enough,
Speaker 1: we don't like I. I literally drank vodka last night
Speaker 1: at eleven o'clock. I didn't think about, oh, the MTV Awards.
Speaker 1: So I called my friend Fernando. He sent me like
Speaker 1: five options. I picked the second opation he sent it.
Speaker 1: I pinned it to get a tailor because I have
Speaker 1: no time to like go be like custom tailored. Who
Speaker 1: the funk is time for that? So they pinned it
Speaker 1: sent into my house. Tony tried it on. We're leaving
Speaker 1: tomorrow doesn't fit. So I had to pin it like
Speaker 1: the most non professional way, like the binder clips, like
Speaker 1: the two little clippies, the hard ones. I did it
Speaker 1: that way, sent my housekeeper to drop it off at
Speaker 1: the dry cleaner, I mean some random dry cleaner, not
Speaker 1: like you know, the Bespoke and a wind tour met
Speaker 1: ball oscar to lorenta justified tailor. We have no time,
Speaker 1: so we're like Jiffy tail and it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: ship show and I don't know what it's gonna look like.
Speaker 1: So that's so. Then she comes home. Her dress got
Speaker 1: tailored to her dress also doesn't fit. So now we
Speaker 1: have two situations. One shot at the Apple, we just
Speaker 1: got one dress. We don't backup plans. I was literally
Speaker 1: a watch it Happens five and those Beverly Hills housewives
Speaker 1: they had five dresses, backup dresses, they had warrigal changes,
Speaker 1: they had jelry backup. I like, it's one and done,
Speaker 1: Like this is it? This is it you? It's eminem.
Speaker 1: You only get one shot. Man, that dress doesn't work.
Speaker 1: I'm I don't. I'm wearing something out of my closet
Speaker 1: and I'm getting the feeling that might be happening. And
Speaker 1: I don't know what Brand's wearing. We don't have shoes
Speaker 1: were a ship show. God, Okay, I know a mom
Speaker 1: at school and I don't know where that well, but
Speaker 1: her daughter's brands age. So I think, like, yeah, we
Speaker 1: have a friend for the summer, Like Brim won't go
Speaker 1: to camp. She's surgically attached to my body, and like,
Speaker 1: now we can have a friend down the street. So
Speaker 1: I thought, like a normal person, I would walk up
Speaker 1: to the kid because the mom wasn't there to be
Speaker 1: like it's like a weird It's like they already know
Speaker 1: each other, so I wasn't introducing them. So I walked
Speaker 1: up to the girl and said I I'm Brent's mom,
Speaker 1: and like these kids don't care and they don't need
Speaker 1: to do pleasantry. So she looked at me like okay,
Speaker 1: and I thought, oh god, I'm choking. Now I'm like
Speaker 1: I'm actually choking. I I um okay, uh, well Brand
Speaker 1: is my daughter like Brand, you know they know each other,
Speaker 1: they're already I fully choked. I was like, Brennan, let's
Speaker 1: call her Penelope. But Penelope like Britton. They're like right,
Speaker 1: we're in the sand. Like what are you doing? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I'm doing it wrong. And
Speaker 1: I was like in it. And then kids are relentless.
Speaker 1: They don't let you out of it. Brand was like
Speaker 1: hiding in a plant. I thought I was so cool,
Speaker 1: like I'm cool and I'm also slightly famous, like and
Speaker 1: I'm also like fabulous, and I'm a beauty influencer and
Speaker 1: I have a podcast, like I'm cool. I'm like a
Speaker 1: cool mom at this school and I just walked in
Speaker 1: thinking I could do what I do every where else
Speaker 1: and just be like yeah, no. And it was not
Speaker 1: like it's not no. It was like it was a no.
Speaker 1: It was an immediately and absolutely and categorically and emphatically now.
Speaker 1: So now brings a band in me Paul standing there
Speaker 1: being like wow. So then there's these other parents and
Speaker 1: they saw me come back and go, oh my god.
Speaker 1: I just totally choked and the two parents were crying
Speaker 1: because like they saw it happen too. I was like
Speaker 1: it just that was so weird. And then like then
Speaker 1: I said something else to the boy that she was
Speaker 1: like it was her friend, you know. I said something
Speaker 1: else to him that was awkward to I'm like, hey, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: you were great in the concert where I didn't see
Speaker 1: him in the concert. I just like said that, which
Speaker 1: is a bold faced light. I didn't see him do anything.
Speaker 1: I don't even I was actually looking for him and
Speaker 1: the thing. And then I said where were you sitting?
Speaker 1: To then prove that I like, I didn't see him.
Speaker 1: So I was like imagined as an adult, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, you were amazing. And then I say,
Speaker 1: what instrument do you play? Like what's the fucking were
Speaker 1: you a fucking amateur? Like you you knew? Who are you? You?
Speaker 1: Like you're fucking a disaster octopus, like with your arms
Speaker 1: and legs, like your tentacles, like making fools out of
Speaker 1: yourself at a small school function like that was a
Speaker 1: today's show, I'd have a I'd be like I was,
Speaker 1: I'd be better prepared. I don't know. So it just
Speaker 1: was not. Oh. And also I thought, she's in a concert,
Speaker 1: don't I've seen don't you get flowers? Ores that happen
Speaker 1: in high school only when you're like in a play.
Speaker 1: So she said she's in a concert. So I stapped
Speaker 1: on the road at this place that I thought with
Speaker 1: sell flowers like a very fancied Badega and I walked out.
Speaker 1: I had to pee in the place, and I came
Speaker 1: out and I forgot and my driver, I know this
Speaker 1: sounds rich person, but it's I am a rich person.
Speaker 1: Don't let to tell you. So I came out and
Speaker 1: my driver said, you forgot what you forgot that you
Speaker 1: forgot the flowers. So I'm like, oh shit, I was
Speaker 1: gonna get balloons. So I go back into the Delhi
Speaker 1: and they only have this like smiley faced box with
Speaker 1: all this stuff and that like candy and it's got
Speaker 1: like a bow, and I'm like, that's cooler than flowers. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I just think to tell Brent as I go there,
Speaker 1: and she's like, oh my god, no, that would be
Speaker 1: like sending someone balloons and they get their period, Like
Speaker 1: I'm that mom. I've literally thought it was appropriate, like
Speaker 1: you were in a concert. And so no one had anything.
Speaker 1: They're like, no one, Like, there's just I just am not.
Speaker 1: I've got to get my like cool mom game in
Speaker 1: a public social setting down because it's at a zero
Speaker 1: right now. We are like not functioning at any capacity.
Speaker 1: So that was it was all. It was just all, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just didn't do great, And there were a couple
Speaker 1: of other things that I won't mention them now, but
Speaker 1: it was just not great. So yeah, I didn't handle
Speaker 1: it great. I'm laughing at TikTok and like this language
Speaker 1: that isn't based in reality. So every time I make
Speaker 1: one of his beauty videos, that is literally the only
Speaker 1: thing in my career that I'm known for. And when
Speaker 1: I tell you that, I go into CBS and I
Speaker 1: get stopped by moms. Never has this happened like to
Speaker 1: this degree. Oh my god, You're doing the Lord's work.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Like literally, I have done a hundred million
Speaker 1: dollars in aid to Ukraine and and it's I'm not
Speaker 1: doing the Lord's work there, I'm not. I'm just doing
Speaker 1: a normal thing. I talk about lip glass and what
Speaker 1: to use and whatnot to use at CBS, and I
Speaker 1: am the Justin Bieber in the makeup world. I'm not kidding.
Speaker 1: I was coming off the beach last week and someone
Speaker 1: was like, I can't afford it. You're doing it, thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Like this is the craziest accidental thing
Speaker 1: that's ever happened, Thus proving that if you just have
Speaker 1: fun with something and you just come from the heart,
Speaker 1: it will usually lead you in the right direction. But
Speaker 1: when I review these things, if I like it, sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll say, Okay, I like a picasso, which is not
Speaker 1: a real thing. It's like some sound that was on TikTok,
Speaker 1: like I'm speaking in a TikTok language. Immediately. No, I'm
Speaker 1: not addressed in this crowd right now, like I'm talk
Speaker 1: I talk talk like I literally talk talk. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do it for you right now. Uh, that dress immediately now, Okay,
Speaker 1: I've seen what I needed to see immediately. No, and then, um,
Speaker 1: it's about that time, Like, let's get to work. It's
Speaker 1: about that time. I don't if I If I like something,
Speaker 1: it's great, let's do it. I don't want to do it.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go. I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go. Someone sells me on it. Okay,
Speaker 1: I like a picasso, like I'm a tiktalk talk I'm
Speaker 1: a TikToker. I'm a TikTok talker. It's fucking crazy all
Speaker 1: day long. I'm at a ten. I'm at a ten right,
Speaker 1: I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm like this
Speaker 1: weird short circuited robot that like is just saying things
Speaker 1: like it just keeps repeating the same weird information and
Speaker 1: you don't even know what you're talking about, like I'm
Speaker 1: not a human being. It speaks the English language, and
Speaker 1: I hate running up the flagpole douche language. I am
Speaker 1: the queen of douche talk language, the queen like, I
Speaker 1: don't know anyone else that speaks their entire day, all day,
Speaker 1: every all day air day, which is not TikTok, that's
Speaker 1: just another that's another dialective douche language, but all day
Speaker 1: air day talking and talk. It's ridiculous. It's absolutely ridiculous.
Speaker 1: I'm sure I'll say like five more today. Um. On
Speaker 1: that note, Lizzo, we got frustrated. She did a whole
Speaker 1: bit of video. It's about that time. Oh, Brent asked me,
Speaker 1: if it's something in a minute, in a minute, so
Speaker 1: Lizzo song, it's about that time. And then in a minute.
Speaker 1: So she did this sort of randy talk where she's
Speaker 1: criticizing how everybody's been doing that dance in their dances.
Speaker 1: So she's like, I'm tired of seeing it That's exactly
Speaker 1: she goes, I'm tired of seeing it in a minute,
Speaker 1: in a one minute, so condescending, it's hilarious, Okay. So
Speaker 1: then she gets really mad and she's like, and Valencias.
Speaker 1: I assume it's Balenciaga Balenciaga shoes or bags or it
Speaker 1: feels like it's duplicate, so it might be two shoes,
Speaker 1: but so it's my Balencia ses So in the middle
Speaker 1: of the video where she's like yelling into the TikTok
Speaker 1: sphere about how pissed she is, how people are doing
Speaker 1: it and it's frightening because we're being reprimanded for not
Speaker 1: doing it right. And then she gets really managed. She says,
Speaker 1: y'all ain't doing the Balencias. Where the Balencias is at?
Speaker 1: Y'all ain't doing the Valencias with blas'm I know, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but like, where are the Valenciasa is at? Like the
Speaker 1: Balencias is at. They're not here, they're here. Well that's
Speaker 1: not a real word. What are fucking balencias. I'm doing
Speaker 1: the Balencias is wrong. I don't even know what the
Speaker 1: Valencias are, but I'm concerned because I'm doing the Balencias
Speaker 1: is wrong. So it's like the truly dance to the
Speaker 1: valenciass new made up TikTok word in the new made
Speaker 1: up TikTok dance for the Lizzos song. Y'all don't be
Speaker 1: doing the Balencias where Valencias is at. So believe me
Speaker 1: when my assistant does something this week and it's not
Speaker 1: like up to snuff, I'll be like, y'all, I've been
Speaker 1: doing the Balenciases where the Blancias is at. Jesus, you
Speaker 1: should sucking no better man. We'll do the Valencias where
Speaker 1: the Valenciases are at, and everybody will be Okay. Should
Speaker 1: have been a chapter in my book, Business is Personal.
Speaker 1: Do the fucking Valencias where the Valencias are at. Okay,
Speaker 1: Life will go much easier that way if you want
Speaker 1: to win at life, to the fucking Valenciasis where the
Speaker 1: Balenciasis at. You know, what did I tell What did
Speaker 1: I tell you? What did I tell you about doing
Speaker 1: the Balencios is wrong? Okay, don't make me get up
Speaker 1: out of this chair. Do the Balencias is right. Okay.
Speaker 1: Lizzo has spoken and we're not. Lizzo is a member
Speaker 1: of the not fucking around crew, and you better do
Speaker 1: those fucking Balencias where they are at. The Valencias are here,
Speaker 1: so come up to their level.