Speaker 1: Hello, hear me?
Speaker 2: Hey, I Ken. What's your name?
Speaker 1: My name is Chase, Chase.
Speaker 2: What's going on?
Speaker 1: Chase?
Speaker 2: How's life?
Speaker 1: Life is? Uh? You know, it's it's life, you know.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: Mm.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know either. You've
Speaker 2: caught me at an interesting time. I'm in a rant
Speaker 2: for a second. Is that cool?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm in a So it's funny. I titled the
Speaker 2: most one of the more recent episodes the Existential Dread episode.
Speaker 2: And you know, I've been in a weird headspace for
Speaker 2: like the whole month of February. I've been thinking about
Speaker 2: like life purpose, I've been thinking about like inevitable death.
Speaker 2: I've been thinking about isolation. I've been. I've been, you know.
Speaker 2: I I looked up like existential depression on the end
Speaker 2: and I found this Healthline article and it and it
Speaker 2: gave me all these like symptoms and I was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 2: this is exactly what's going on with me right now.
Speaker 2: And uh but that was kind of cool because I
Speaker 2: was like, all right, well, I'm not a completely insane individual.
Speaker 2: Who is you know, undergoing some kind of uniquely difficult
Speaker 2: life experience, Like this is what I am undergoing. Is
Speaker 2: is a documented phenomenon. Here's this article that that shows
Speaker 2: that this is again a documented phenomenon, which leads me
Speaker 2: to believe that this documented phenomenon has ways out of it,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I talk a lot on
Speaker 2: the on the podcast about you know, like life being
Speaker 2: how you see it and all this stuff. And it's
Speaker 2: funny I talk about a lot of these things on
Speaker 2: the podcast, but you know, then when then it comes
Speaker 2: to time for me and my own personal life to
Speaker 2: like actually actually go and live it, you know, and uh,
Speaker 2: this is this is kind of one of those times.
Speaker 2: And I'm trying to have, you know, Chase, I have
Speaker 2: within me this like corner stone. It's in my balls, Chase.
Speaker 2: It's it's it's this corner stone of optimism. It's a
Speaker 2: corner stone of of of my soul that A likes people.
Speaker 2: I don't think I would, you know, the Gecko universe
Speaker 2: gets difficult sometimes, but I don't think I would do
Speaker 2: it at all if I didn't fucking like people, if
Speaker 2: I didn't like life. You know, I just I know
Speaker 2: that in my gut right that I like people, I
Speaker 2: like life, I like the world. And then I'm and
Speaker 2: and and and it's so it's that knowledge that in
Speaker 2: my gut is a guy who likes people, likes life,
Speaker 2: likes the world, is curious, desires more, you know. And
Speaker 2: then also is is kind of this cornerstone of again
Speaker 2: optimism for the future. Things will get better. This is
Speaker 2: a documented phenomenon that people have gone through before, and
Speaker 2: I believe that it. Things will will get better. I
Speaker 2: will live to see uh more days where I'm engrossed
Speaker 2: in life, you know what I mean. I feel this
Speaker 2: podcast as a whole has definitely become a lot a
Speaker 2: lot of I think me uh using it for therapy
Speaker 2: at this point. But it's good. I like it. I
Speaker 2: was a little bit resistant to that for a little bit,
Speaker 2: but now you know, I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying I'm
Speaker 2: enjoying getting to it. Kind of it makes me feel
Speaker 2: less insane to publicly share these thoughts and feelings with
Speaker 2: other people and then to hear what's going on with
Speaker 2: other people's thoughts and feelings, and sometimes it spooks me,
Speaker 2: you know, every time I see like a like a
Speaker 2: crazy whatever Reddit person or whatever, I'm like, oh man,
Speaker 2: I'm putting myself out there on the internet. And everyone
Speaker 2: on the internet is crazy. But I'm just I don't care.
Speaker 2: I gotta keep, you know, sharing of myself and allowing
Speaker 2: other people to share of themselves, you know, because it's
Speaker 2: it's it's like it means something, or because if I don't,
Speaker 2: because if I don't document these this is this is
Speaker 2: this is. I guess the medium the people have h
Speaker 2: by which people have come to uh uh you know
Speaker 2: who I am or whatever. And so I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I guess I owe it to the medium, or I
Speaker 2: owe it to the I don't want to. I don't
Speaker 2: know if I should call podcasting in an art form
Speaker 2: or whatever, but I'm like, I feel like I just
Speaker 2: feel like I owe this thing some form of of
Speaker 2: my honest thoughts and feelings, or maybe maybe my thoughts
Speaker 2: and feelings are just kind of bursting. They're just there's
Speaker 2: hell fucking tight in my fucking brain. I'm like, I
Speaker 2: gotta get this out there to someone, you know, and
Speaker 2: that that someone might as well be the people who
Speaker 2: are listening to this show. You know, hopefully it is
Speaker 2: helpful in some regard to someone. But I also I
Speaker 2: don't want to, you know, I talked a little bit
Speaker 2: about on the other episode with that guy mo About, Like,
Speaker 2: you know, there's this weird thing of when you kind
Speaker 2: of keep talking about your fucking problems, you're you kind
Speaker 2: of ingrain them within yourself, and it's like, I don't
Speaker 2: want I don't want to view myself as like a
Speaker 2: depressed guy.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Is then that becomes your identity, that becomes how you live,
Speaker 2: that becomes whatever you know. So it's like, what's the line, right,
Speaker 2: what's the line between uh, a sharing of yourself in
Speaker 2: a way to to feel better and to kind of
Speaker 2: heal and and whatnot, versus like, you know, spiraling in
Speaker 2: a fucking hamster wheel loop of your own stuff. You know,
Speaker 2: because because sometimes the it's it's helpful to talk through stuff,
Speaker 2: but other times it's like, well, you just got you
Speaker 2: got to get out of your own head and you
Speaker 2: got to fucking go build a cuckoo clock out of wood.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Like you think all you think that you're going to
Speaker 2: solve your problems by talking about them and thinking about
Speaker 2: them until you find some perfect answer. But really all
Speaker 2: you had to do is build a cuckoo clock out
Speaker 2: of wood.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: That's why people do anything. That's why is because it
Speaker 2: gets you out of your own head. It gets you
Speaker 2: into life. You participate in something instead of being in
Speaker 2: your own fucking insane brain. I just got back from
Speaker 2: walking for like four days through rural Japan kind of
Speaker 2: in an attempt in a way to kind of escape
Speaker 2: this line of thinking by by doing stuff, by being
Speaker 2: out in the world, so I'm not spiraling in my
Speaker 2: own weird head. And I'm working on making a video
Speaker 2: about that I'm excited about. I'm gonna, oh, this is
Speaker 2: another thing I'm show that. This is now I'm self promoing,
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna fucking I'm doing an art gallery. I'm
Speaker 2: displaying a bunch of trash from around my room on
Speaker 2: March fourteenth in Brooklyn, New York. I'm actually gonna put
Speaker 2: a link to that in the description of this episode.
Speaker 2: That's a self promo within this existential rant chase. That's
Speaker 2: a little self promo in the existential ants, you know.
Speaker 2: So that's gonna be good. I'm doing these just doing
Speaker 2: these things to be like, Okay, I don't know if
Speaker 2: life has some kind of a linear direction or whatever
Speaker 2: the fuck, so let me just start doing random things
Speaker 2: that I think would be cool or interesting, you know.
Speaker 2: So so, Yes, I'm so. So, I'm so, I'm I'm so.
Speaker 2: That's why I'm putting a That's why I'm gonna put
Speaker 2: an empty water bottle in a in a glass case
Speaker 2: and invite people to look at it, Chase. That's why
Speaker 2: I'm doing That's why I'm talking. That's why I'm talking
Speaker 2: to you right now. That's why I'm doing anything, Chase.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like you said earlier, you said different ways to
Speaker 1: like blow off steam as essentially as what you were
Speaker 1: talking about. Yeah, I'm not a I'm not a kind
Speaker 1: of guy that will go and talk to somebody about it. Right. So,
Speaker 1: like I'll I have a journal, I'll write in my journal,
Speaker 1: or I like write about stuff that happens in my
Speaker 1: day or whatever. Or I like fishing, so I'll go fishing.
Speaker 1: I like being alone and like in the like in
Speaker 1: the woods or like at the lake. I'm more of
Speaker 1: a I like I like being alone, you know, mm
Speaker 1: hmm hmm.
Speaker 2: Yeah. How is uh? How has fishing been for you?
Speaker 2: Is that like a good? Like when you're fishing, do
Speaker 2: you feel very very in the moments?
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, there's not a lot going on, like
Speaker 1: in my head. You know, it's just uh it's calming.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: Have you have you always liked being alone?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Like I'm like, I like, I like, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: hanging out with friends or you know, doing social activities.
Speaker 1: But sometimes, you know, I just I want to just
Speaker 1: chill out, be be uh be alone. M hm m hmm.
Speaker 2: What what What are some of your other favorite things
Speaker 2: to do alone?
Speaker 1: I like fishing. I camp a lot. I'll go camping, hikes,
Speaker 1: like hiking. Uhh I'm more of a outdoor kind of
Speaker 1: kind of guy. Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: Why do you why do you think you like being
Speaker 2: alone so much?
Speaker 1: I like, there's not silence. It's it's silent, like I
Speaker 1: don't need to hear any uh any bullshit that goes
Speaker 1: on in other people's life. Like like I like hart
Speaker 1: to explain, you know, Like I have friends, like I'll
Speaker 1: go hang out them, I'll go do whatever the fuck.
Speaker 1: But sometimes when I'm not feeling the best, I'll just
Speaker 1: go do stuff myself.
Speaker 2: Do you do you feel like you're happiest when you're alone.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say happiest. I'm more it's like a state
Speaker 1: of mind, you know. It's like I'm I'm calm mm
Speaker 1: hmm hmm. If nothing's nothing bad is going on, like
Speaker 1: in my heart. So mm hmm.
Speaker 2: Do you I do you feel like you've like always
Speaker 2: kind of had that state of calm within you.
Speaker 1: I think it's since I've gotten a little bit older.
Speaker 2: Mm hm.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: How old are you now? I'm twenty, You're twenty Yep,
Speaker 2: you're twenty years old, yes, sir man, I thought you
Speaker 2: were like thirty seven.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I hear that.
Speaker 2: Man, Wow, interesting what what uh?
Speaker 1: What are you?
Speaker 2: What are your hopes and dreams for life?
Speaker 1: Chase like a future future, like where I want to
Speaker 1: be in the future. Yeah, yeah, I wanna. I want
Speaker 1: to I want to live on a farm. I want
Speaker 1: to have a wife, two two three kids. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: Financially comfortable?
Speaker 2: Are you in Are you in school or do you
Speaker 2: work or something like that?
Speaker 1: I work?
Speaker 2: What do you do?
Speaker 1: I work on little pieces for satellites.
Speaker 2: Like you work on little pieces for satellites.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like thousands of a millimeter? Thank you. You use
Speaker 1: like you know this water pressure machines that like cut
Speaker 1: metal and ship Yeah yeah yeah, program it and then
Speaker 1: you can program it to a size and then you
Speaker 1: cut it and then we send it off to nasty.
Speaker 2: Where are you right now? What are you doing.
Speaker 1: In my room? It's two am?
Speaker 2: Interesting? Yeah, thanks for listening to my rand to the
Speaker 2: beginning of this phone call.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, Well.
Speaker 2: Was there any was there anything that you wanted to
Speaker 2: call in to talk about?
Speaker 1: Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna get on on
Speaker 1: the phone. I was your luck. I've been listening to
Speaker 1: the show for a little bit now, so no, not exactly.
Speaker 2: Cool man, cool. Well, uh, you're you're a chill guy.
Speaker 2: Chill guy. Pretty good, all right, man, Well, uh, good luck,
Speaker 2: good luck, Chase. You're gonna be You're gonna be fine.
Speaker 2: You don't you don't even need me to say that
Speaker 2: to you. But I'm not saying that to you because
Speaker 2: you need I'm not saying that to you because you
Speaker 2: need me to say that to you. I'm saying that
Speaker 2: to you because it's just a feeling that I felt
Speaker 2: the need to express while we were on the phone.
Speaker 1: H Yeah, all right, man, you know, I appreciate it.
Speaker 2: Is there anything else you want to say to the
Speaker 2: people in the computer before we go?
Speaker 1: Be be kind? You know, don't uh, don't be one
Speaker 1: of those people that go around and just try to
Speaker 1: start problems with other people, you know, just be your
Speaker 1: own person. I like that. I like that.
Speaker 2: All right, man, I'll i'll uh, I'll see you. I'll
Speaker 2: see you again one day in another in another life maybe. Yeah,
Speaker 2: all right, take our chests.
Speaker 1: Bye bye, bye bye. Oh wow.
Speaker 2: That was uh that was pretty good. That was pretty good.
Speaker 2: I honestly forget what I've I was on such an
Speaker 2: impassioned rant for a good ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Uh, and I.
Speaker 2: I forget what I was ranting about. Yeah, Okay, that's good.
Speaker 2: I feel like I got that all out of my system.
Speaker 2: What the hell was I talking about? Okay, all right,
Speaker 2: all right, let's let's take some phone calls. Let's keep.
Speaker 2: Let's keep, let's keep taking some phone calls. That was good.
Speaker 2: That was good. Hello, Hi, Hey, what's up man? What's
Speaker 2: your name?
Speaker 1: Isaiah?
Speaker 2: Isaiah? What's going on? Isaiah? How you doing?
Speaker 4: I'm just on my bed calling up in my bed.
Speaker 2: Very cool, very nice. You know, I'm feeling good. I
Speaker 2: kind of I'm feeling like being a gecko today, you know,
Speaker 2: I was. I went to last caller. I went on
Speaker 2: an insane rant about existential dread. And I think the
Speaker 2: best way to get away from existential dread is to
Speaker 2: do stuff. And I think I'm pretty sure that being
Speaker 2: a gecko is doing something. So I'm feeling good about
Speaker 2: it in this moment. So you know, let's talk, let's
Speaker 2: get into it, let's uh, let's do some.
Speaker 4: Do some wild things.
Speaker 1: Be just talk.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, is there is there anything in particular you
Speaker 2: called in to talk about.
Speaker 4: I'm just like the last caller, I never really spent
Speaker 4: the beyond here, but maybe may be talking about dreams,
Speaker 4: I guess.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, what kind of dreams you've been having lately?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: My god, like late light one time? It was the
Speaker 4: years ago now, but like been dreaming about this. I
Speaker 4: was in a car meeting, like one of those like
Speaker 4: drive by car meetings, like you see like fancy cars
Speaker 4: and whatever, and I just I just look up and
Speaker 4: I see like terrat that was just flying by, flowing,
Speaker 4: streaming and yelling, and I just see at a meetia
Speaker 4: or just falling down and just all bowed red and
Speaker 4: just everything. I'm crazy. And I just walk up and I
Speaker 4: just wonder what that means?
Speaker 2: Mm hm m hmm. What do you what do you
Speaker 2: think it means?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Is there anything like flotting around in your in your
Speaker 2: subconscious that you think it could be related.
Speaker 4: To I'm just stressed honestly, or it might be paranoid.
Speaker 2: What do you what do you stress slash paranoid about?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 4: This word trying to be something I want to be
Speaker 4: but I can't kind of thing like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, what is it? What is it that you
Speaker 2: want to be that you think you cannot be?
Speaker 4: It's like, I just want to be an animator kind
Speaker 4: of thing you want to make film, and I just
Speaker 4: it's I don't know if y'all want to be too,
Speaker 4: d but it's like it's like something like I want
Speaker 4: to do for a while, but it's kind of give
Speaker 4: me in dread this past for three years.
Speaker 2: M m m hm. Is it? What is it? What
Speaker 2: is it about these past four or three years that
Speaker 2: have been giving you dread with it?
Speaker 4: I guess like a burnout worrying about being an adult
Speaker 4: and following my dreams quote unquote, I guess that.
Speaker 2: Was if that made sense, Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 4: But I'm better now. I'm trying to get things better,
Speaker 4: going back to my roots.
Speaker 2: What are your roots?
Speaker 4: Actually? Like making stuff online? But I just I just
Speaker 4: started doing it like last week.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what what kind of stuff? What kind
Speaker 2: of stuff are you making online?
Speaker 4: I just make like just drawings right now, but I
Speaker 4: want to make like short cartoons and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: It's interesting. I'm kind of curious what that landscape looks like,
Speaker 2: right because I think we're we're kind of past like
Speaker 2: traditional network television era cartoons being super popular like adult Swim,
Speaker 2: cartoon network, Nickelodeon. Shit, I feel like we're kind of
Speaker 2: past that and now we're in and we're also a
Speaker 2: little bit past like you know, like Ego wraptor new
Speaker 2: Grounds YouTube Animator Universe, and I don't know where we
Speaker 2: are now with it. If it's like, you know, still
Speaker 2: heavily segmented, and there's people on shorts and Instagram and
Speaker 2: TikTok that are kind of dictating the the meta of
Speaker 2: the Animator universe. I mean, what do you what do
Speaker 2: you think? What do you think the landscape is?
Speaker 4: Like? Yeah, I feel the same way, because you can't
Speaker 4: find a way, and like, you can't make anything too
Speaker 4: short because it's not gonna be a lot of people
Speaker 4: watching it, or anything too long it's going to be
Speaker 4: too boring and to just ignore it, you.
Speaker 1: Know, if that makes sense totally. Yeah, And it's like.
Speaker 4: You got to work for like some kind of company
Speaker 4: or something that works, like I don't know, Like let's
Speaker 4: say you work for like some YouTuber on Patreon. You
Speaker 4: get to put yourself out there for that or then
Speaker 4: put yourself out there on YouTube or anything like that.
Speaker 2: M what kind of what kind of like animations do
Speaker 2: you do you want to make? Like are you telling stories?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I want to want to make like just
Speaker 4: like like little movies and stuff like that. But that's
Speaker 4: that's adding to the dread. Like I can't make stuff
Speaker 4: for me. I have to make stuff for people something
Speaker 4: else in a way. But but right now I'm trying
Speaker 4: to figure that out as I'm working on it.
Speaker 2: When you said, when you said you can't make stuff
Speaker 2: for you, like as in do you mean that as
Speaker 2: in like for your job you have to make stuff
Speaker 2: for other people, or as in you have to make
Speaker 2: stuff that you think other people will like for yourself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's like that.
Speaker 1: Just like.
Speaker 4: I'm trying to make sense of this, Like where I live.
Speaker 4: I live in Texas, right and I have to make
Speaker 4: like something with western or cowboys with fucking cows or
Speaker 4: something and I want to make like something with punch. Huh.
Speaker 2: Well wait, hold on, I hears. Why do you why
Speaker 2: do you have to make certain stuff because you live
Speaker 2: in Texas? Oh?
Speaker 4: Because where I live, you have to make to something
Speaker 4: you make for like m Let's say you want to
Speaker 4: make a punk band kind of them, and they're like, oh,
Speaker 4: I can't, we can't use that. We just want Western
Speaker 4: landscape and stuff.
Speaker 2: But who's we.
Speaker 4: Oh, like people where I live, like in Texas, in
Speaker 4: my small town. It's kind of hard. But I think
Speaker 4: that doesn't even make sense because I'm talking about like
Speaker 4: internet stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, why if you're you're you're not making
Speaker 2: stuff for the people in your small town of Texas.
Speaker 2: You're making stuff for the people of the Internet.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm. Yeah fuck I oh just to say, you
Speaker 4: know that, Well, I'm trying to see what I don't
Speaker 4: even fuck.
Speaker 2: What's the matter.
Speaker 4: Now, I'm just shaking a little bit.
Speaker 2: Told let me think. Yeah, I guess I still don't
Speaker 2: understand why you have to make western ship you know,
Speaker 2: mm hmm you want to make punk things?
Speaker 4: Yeah, they make stuff like fun and creative where they
Speaker 4: want to be just playing Jane and boring.
Speaker 2: Who is that well, hold on when you keep saying
Speaker 2: like we and they? Who is they and we?
Speaker 4: It's just these people in my hometown. But I'm I'm
Speaker 4: I'm rambling nonsense right now. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: No, I don't no, no, no, don't be all right,
Speaker 2: don't what's your name again? Ideah, Isaiah? No, don't be sorry, Isaiah.
Speaker 2: I want to I want to get to the bottom
Speaker 2: of this. That's the that's the only reason I'm asking.
Speaker 2: I'm asking because uh, I want to make you feel
Speaker 2: bad or anything. Mm hmm okay, I mean, yeah, man,
Speaker 2: you're making stuff for the Internet. Why don't you just
Speaker 2: make whatever it is you want to make. It's not
Speaker 2: like you're it's not like you're trying to pitch cartoons
Speaker 2: to the local newspaper or anything like that.
Speaker 4: Now I'm thinking about it, maybe I'm just I don't
Speaker 4: want to see traumatized. But maybe I'm a little nervous
Speaker 4: to putting myself out there. Maybe I'll get late the
Speaker 4: same reaction when it's an Internet as I'm putting on
Speaker 4: my hometown.
Speaker 2: Oh.
Speaker 4: Oh, interesting, I think that's what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2: Oh interesting, interesting, interesting? Do you I mean, but you
Speaker 2: understand that that's irrational, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I try to think the thing like that
Speaker 4: in a way, but it was rambling nonsense.
Speaker 2: Mm hm m hmm. Do you do you think you
Speaker 2: you will eventually gain the courage or perspective or whatever
Speaker 2: the hell it is that you need to to put
Speaker 2: yourself out there.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because right now I have to tell myself to
Speaker 4: just do it, other then just wait and see. Right,
Speaker 4: So that's why I learned you just have to do
Speaker 4: it and figure it out.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to. I don't know if you
Speaker 2: heard me ranting to Chase earlier, but I'm trying to. Yeah,
Speaker 2: in my kind of current bout of existential whatever, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be more action bias. I'm trying to
Speaker 2: just do shit, like go for a long walk or
Speaker 2: do a trash art gallery, just try shit. Because I
Speaker 2: was realizing I'm like, oh, I might do this trash
Speaker 2: gallery and then be looking around and go why the
Speaker 2: fuck did I do this? But it won't matter. You
Speaker 2: know why, it won't matter because at least because I
Speaker 2: can go, Okay, I don't know why the fuck I
Speaker 2: did this, Let's do something else. This is keep doing
Speaker 2: shit because I get in this. I get in this
Speaker 2: habit where I'm always like planning to do stuff. I'm
Speaker 2: always I love, I'm writing down to do lists, I'm
Speaker 2: writing down things that would be a good idea to
Speaker 2: do instead of just like actually like being willing to
Speaker 2: like try doing random ship. And I'm and I and
Speaker 2: I'm honestly I'm even even the fact that I'm going
Speaker 2: on this rant to you right now is a version
Speaker 2: of me procrastinating on doing shit because I'm reinforcing to
Speaker 2: myself in my head that I'm going to try to
Speaker 2: be more action bias without actually becoming more action bias.
Speaker 2: You know, that's the trap, as Isaac or Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah,
Speaker 2: that's the trap, Isaiah. We can't, we can't. We can't
Speaker 2: let ourselves be trapped. We gotta do random ship constantly.
Speaker 2: But it's not it But it's not a bad But
Speaker 2: it's not even a bad thing because you like like
Speaker 2: making the stuff. If you just like making the stuff,
Speaker 2: then it's not a bad reality to live in where
Speaker 2: you have to just keep trying. You know, sorry, you
Speaker 2: were gonna say something.
Speaker 1: I cut you off now.
Speaker 4: I just feel like it's like a sharp kind of mentality,
Speaker 4: like you gotta keep moving if you die or something
Speaker 4: like that.
Speaker 2: Yes, of course, yeah, yeah, that's how Yeah, but no,
Speaker 2: and it is it's true because I'm I think I'm
Speaker 2: experiencing the death of not moving. It feels like a death.
Speaker 2: You know. Do you feel that way when you when
Speaker 2: you're not moving?
Speaker 4: Yeah, because I, like I said, light, this past week,
Speaker 4: I've been trying to just do it, keep at least
Speaker 4: try to do it and like do something else other
Speaker 4: than stay in my house and just watching TV, right
Speaker 4: and twitch and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: Right, And that's the thing, right, is that I feel
Speaker 2: like the the joy is in the attempt more than
Speaker 2: it is in like, oh, you know, my cartoon got
Speaker 2: X amount of views or oh I got the whatever.
Speaker 2: I mean, there's joy in that too, but it's like, oh,
Speaker 2: there's a bit of there's a joy and there's an
Speaker 2: escape from dread in in the attempt itself, I think,
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, yeah, so so that's good. And that's
Speaker 2: good also because the attempt is like within because I
Speaker 2: think when you're when you're trying to count on like
Speaker 2: views or likes or whatever the fuck you're.
Speaker 1: You're you're.
Speaker 2: I mean, those things are nice. I'm not gonna pretend
Speaker 2: like they're not. It's nice, Like success feels good, feels
Speaker 2: good to have things work out.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's to be yeah in that situation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a good it's a thing. It's understandable that
Speaker 2: people want that and that people you know, it feels
Speaker 2: It feels better when like when you make a fucking
Speaker 2: cartoon and you put it on the internet and it
Speaker 2: gets likes, It feels better than when it doesn't. But again,
Speaker 2: I feel like the joy is in the attempt.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try it.
Speaker 2: I'm having fun. I'm having fun talking to you about
Speaker 2: this because I'm gonna try to fucking go back into
Speaker 2: like my luh normal non geck life and be like
Speaker 2: remember and be like I told that guy that the
Speaker 2: joy was in the attempt. So I'm gonna try to
Speaker 2: uh feel away myself.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 4: No, it's awesome, awesome.
Speaker 2: Well, before we go, do you you want to plug anything?
Speaker 2: You have something you want to plug, go ahead and
Speaker 2: plug your fucking ship. Dude, if you got something to.
Speaker 4: Plumb, at least try Instagram. Like I think it's called
Speaker 4: pro p r O understand underscore stupid.
Speaker 2: Pro underscore Cupid, that's pretty simple.
Speaker 1: Hold on, yeah, let me that's what it is.
Speaker 2: Let me pro underscore simple. I'm gonna look at your ship.
Speaker 2: Uh pro underscore simple? Oh no, Cupid, why do I
Speaker 2: say simple? What the fuck?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: Here we go pro Cupid? Oh cool? Oh oh oh
Speaker 2: hell yeah, dude, you drew and you drew you drew naked.
Speaker 2: Marge Simpson, Yeah coolm I like, I like, I like,
Speaker 2: I like I like this. I like the style. It's
Speaker 2: very renn and renn and stimpy vibes.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, that means a lot from coming from
Speaker 4: you come back.
Speaker 2: Well, thanks for having this conversation with me, Isaiah. Good
Speaker 2: luck to you and all your fucking crazy life endeavors.
Speaker 4: Yeah you too, Man.
Speaker 1: I love you, Man, I love you.
Speaker 2: Hey, Hey, I love you too, Isaiah. All right, I
Speaker 2: love you too. I love you too. In this moment,
Speaker 2: I'm feeling I'm feeling hopeful for your future. I'm feeling
Speaker 2: hopeful for the future of ah man, feeling hopeful for
Speaker 2: the future of of stuff. And I bless you, I will,
Speaker 2: I will, I bless you with with hope, optimism, and
Speaker 2: and forty two million dollars.
Speaker 4: Yeah, God, bless man, all right, take care Isaiah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was Isaiah. I used to I kind of
Speaker 2: I used to have a thing where I was I
Speaker 2: for a second, I was like I used to not
Speaker 2: like saying I love you to people on the internet.
Speaker 2: I don't know why. It felt strange, but in that
Speaker 2: but but it's weird because in that moment I did
Speaker 2: feel it. You know, I was like, I don't fucking
Speaker 2: like obviously like the people I talked to on the show,
Speaker 2: it's like I don't know them, and it's like a
Speaker 2: little interaction with a stranger. But but but I felt that,
Speaker 2: you know what, Like I was like, oh, I do
Speaker 2: love this guy. I do love again. I told you
Speaker 2: I was ranting fucking earlier in the episode to Chase.
Speaker 2: I was ranting about knowing that I love people, you know,
Speaker 2: like that's in my soul. I love people. And just
Speaker 2: now I was like, I was like, I think I
Speaker 2: love Isaiah, dude, even just in that moment, like what
Speaker 2: like four months from now, I don't like, like, realistically,
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'll be thinking about Isaiah unless
Speaker 2: if Isaiah is like, you know, hey, I was the
Speaker 2: guy you talked to with the thing and the art
Speaker 2: thing like, oh, fuck, you're fucking Isaiah, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. But I don't know if that I think
Speaker 2: that's that's that could be how love works.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Love can kind of be this weird thing of the moment,
Speaker 2: you know. I mean, I've had friends in real life
Speaker 2: that I've known for like not that long, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know, like I love you. I love you, man,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't know. That's a weird. It's a
Speaker 2: weird thing. I'm exploring the like, like what is what
Speaker 2: does it mean to say I love you to someone?
Speaker 2: Like I've I've had times where I was fucking in
Speaker 2: the grocery store and I was looking at an old
Speaker 2: lady in line ahead of me, and I was like,
Speaker 2: I think I love this old lady. I don't know her.
Speaker 2: I've never talked to this old lady. I just she's
Speaker 2: on the fucking she's on the planet Earth at the
Speaker 2: same time that I am. Miraculously. That's insane. I think
Speaker 2: I have to love this old lady. That's just what
Speaker 2: it's just in my gut. I don't know her. She
Speaker 2: might be a crazy person, but I guess I'm a
Speaker 2: crazy person too. I don't know why I just love
Speaker 2: this old lady. I love Isaiah, I love the old
Speaker 2: lady at the grocery store, and I love drinking a
Speaker 2: lot of coffee.
Speaker 1: How you doing, I'm good man.
Speaker 2: What's what's up?
Speaker 1: Dog?
Speaker 2: What's up dog? How's life?
Speaker 3: I'm just trying to bring the stream up, baby life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, go ahead and go ahead. How's life?
Speaker 3: Well? We talked, We talked like last year. Like I
Speaker 3: was like, man, everything sucks. It still sucks, but you know,
Speaker 3: here we are trying to figure it out. I was
Speaker 3: listening to you earlier when you're on your rants about
Speaker 3: existential stuff, and yeah, I think that's only your only option. Really,
Speaker 3: you just got to think about it and get through it.
Speaker 3: Sometimes yeah, and then it still sucks.
Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, why does every Why do you think
Speaker 2: everything still sucks after a year?
Speaker 3: I think it's because I keep working and I have
Speaker 3: no money at the end of the day, even though
Speaker 3: I'm make enough, and then it's all gone and then
Speaker 3: there's nothing to do. But then every once in a while,
Speaker 3: you get hang out with your buddies or you know,
Speaker 3: do something fun. Like you're in Japan right now. That
Speaker 3: sounds fun.
Speaker 2: I am in Japan. It's been nice well, who are
Speaker 2: these buddies that you're hanging out with?
Speaker 3: I saw my buddy just turned forty. I'm thirty seven.
Speaker 1: Cool, it's nice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, after all these years, still got my homeboys from
Speaker 3: the neighborhood that I grew up with. So it's kind
Speaker 3: of nice getting out, get out of the house. So
Speaker 3: nice for a little bit.
Speaker 2: Nice. Where'd you grow up in Atlanta?
Speaker 3: Just outside of Atlanta?
Speaker 1: To a and are you.
Speaker 3: Yeah? Just put some coffee on, cool, getting ready to
Speaker 3: do some word cool. I'm gonna hate my job more
Speaker 3: and then just like a cycle, just a cycle of ship.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 3: I always struggle to answer that question. But I work
Speaker 3: in it infrastructure, a botomation stuff for a little company
Speaker 3: outside of Atlanta.
Speaker 2: Yahm.
Speaker 3: But you know I called last year. I was just
Speaker 3: like everything is just our like time for myself. I've
Speaker 3: lost myself. I you know, I have the same struggles
Speaker 3: that some of your other colors do with. I mean
Speaker 3: the dude that has for to uys, I have zero
Speaker 3: du guys. I'm very lucky for that. But you know,
Speaker 3: this is the cycle of like alcohol, it beating yourself
Speaker 3: up and stuff kind of sucks, man. But I do
Speaker 3: find that as long as I can try my best
Speaker 3: to remember that it's better to be here and kind
Speaker 3: of suffered through this shit than not to be. I
Speaker 3: don't know, man, I just kind of felt like calm
Speaker 3: and just like saying that stuff.
Speaker 1: Have you?
Speaker 2: I mean, when was the last time you had a
Speaker 2: period in your life that felt particularly prosperous.
Speaker 3: Five to ten years ago? What I feel like I've
Speaker 3: been paidchecked bag for.
Speaker 1: Moved.
Speaker 3: My wife and I bought our first house that probably
Speaker 3: would have been the thing, and then we moved about
Speaker 3: six years ago, but then we moved somewhere. I don't
Speaker 3: really want to be just like a suckhole of suckery,
Speaker 3: but you know, it's just because I want to like
Speaker 3: just open a sandwich shop and like ski in the
Speaker 3: mountains every day. But that's just not the reality, because
Speaker 3: it's just not the reality. One day maybe as I'm older,
Speaker 3: if I stay positive, right, But then I also find
Speaker 3: myself falling into that hole of suck doing stuff I
Speaker 3: shouldn't do and not working all night and having beers
Speaker 3: and instead of working, And then now I'm gonna feel
Speaker 3: like shit when my boss is giving me that side eye.
Speaker 2: What do you mean by doing things you shouldn't do.
Speaker 3: Debatable just drinking. Man, I have I struggle with alcohol
Speaker 3: and tobacco. Those are my vices. You know. I'm lucky
Speaker 3: that I don't have worse vices than that, because I
Speaker 3: know that those are out there. I've just never been
Speaker 3: luckily and I've never found myself in that situation to
Speaker 3: have anything harder than that. But alcohol and tobacco are
Speaker 3: not easy either, so and it weighs on me right
Speaker 3: because I'm always like, Man, I can go buy two
Speaker 3: more beers right now at two in the morning, but
Speaker 3: here I am driving to the store. Uh and uh,
Speaker 3: you know, starting work at four in the morning, and
Speaker 3: instead of sleeping, sleep would probably be good, but I
Speaker 3: stress about it and then it's just a cycle of suck.
Speaker 2: How long, man, How long? How long have you as
Speaker 2: like alcohol and stuff a thing for you?
Speaker 3: Probably about the same amount of time that it's been
Speaker 3: felt prosperous, probably more like longer than that. I feel
Speaker 3: like I feel like seven eight years ago. But even
Speaker 3: before then, I was drinking a lot. I feel like
Speaker 3: once I started drinking, I go hard on everything that
Speaker 3: I do, which is why I'm glad. I don't never
Speaker 3: gotten addicted to harder stuff. I've never never done anything
Speaker 3: too crazy. I like, must of the fun. But yeah,
Speaker 3: it's been a long time. Then. I've been in a
Speaker 3: cycle cycles of pretty depressive. I feel like I'm manically depressed,
Speaker 3: but maybe not maniacally, so not quite there yet. I'm
Speaker 3: trying to avoid it, but I feel like I'll.
Speaker 2: Go go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 3: I was just gonna say sorry and then I'll let
Speaker 3: you take over there. I mean, I feel like I'm like, don't,
Speaker 3: don't do it. Don't drink because like one beer man,
Speaker 3: two beers, it's like five beers, you know, and then
Speaker 3: it's like I'm losing.
Speaker 2: Hours and.
Speaker 3: Shit, I gotta do and just I just fucking don't
Speaker 3: want to do it. And then I just drink more
Speaker 3: beer at that point, and then I'll wake up at
Speaker 3: three or five in the morning or pass out at
Speaker 3: seven at night, and she like, shit, my body doesn't
Speaker 3: like it. I'm just it's just like I'm just addicted
Speaker 3: to it, so I'll just fall back into it.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm. Why uh uh oh. I remember I was
Speaker 2: gonna say, have you have you talked to a real
Speaker 2: therapist about this? And if so, what have they told you?
Speaker 3: I have gone to therapy, but I just did like
Speaker 3: the better helth thing right, I didn't. I felt like
Speaker 3: because it was like covid fish times, you know, So
Speaker 3: it's just like I feel like I would do better
Speaker 3: in person. And then I also went to a psychiatrist
Speaker 3: and got onto some form of antidepressant for the first
Speaker 3: time a few years ago, a couple of years ago.
Speaker 3: But actually, and some people have this effect, it just
Speaker 3: made me kind of like very angry, like irrationally angry.
Speaker 3: And I did not enjoy that at all, because I'm
Speaker 3: not I'm not an angry person except to myself. Isn't
Speaker 3: gonna fuck. I'm very angry with myself, but I'm not
Speaker 3: angry outwardly towards like my friends and family. Probably more
Speaker 3: just people that don't know how to drive.
Speaker 2: They Okay, that's not as bad as outwardly angry to
Speaker 2: your friends and family.
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, if I drink too much, then I
Speaker 3: might say something dumb, and then I gotta feel like
Speaker 3: I gotta I'm just joking, but it's not. It's not
Speaker 3: very fun if you're you are affecting those around you
Speaker 3: that actually care about you when you're not trying to.
Speaker 3: And then I feel bad again, and then I'm like,
Speaker 3: I got to drinking of beer because now I'll feel
Speaker 3: like shit, I really want. What I really really wish
Speaker 3: go ahead is that I could afford to go somewhere
Speaker 3: for you know, twenty one days or a retreat of
Speaker 3: fucking recovery, something where I can just get away if
Speaker 3: I did not have access to alcohol and tobacco. And again,
Speaker 3: it could be worse, or everyone has their struggles, right,
Speaker 3: could be something else, but like if I could just
Speaker 3: get away from it, but I can't, I can't afford it.
Speaker 3: I got it, don't worry.
Speaker 2: What about those like well, I don't know. I'm curious
Speaker 2: because like we have talked to some people. Remember talking
Speaker 2: to a dude about uh work away or I forget
Speaker 2: the fucking name of the website, but like all these
Speaker 2: places where like you can go uh to kind of
Speaker 2: uh work in exchange for I mean, you got to
Speaker 2: save up I think for the plane ticket, but there's
Speaker 2: a lot of places you can go to like work
Speaker 2: in exchange for housing and food. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: You ever thought you ever thought about something like that?
Speaker 3: So what do you mean I would work for someone
Speaker 3: else during that time?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Like I mean I don't know, man, you're talking about
Speaker 2: like trying to go away for twenty one days or
Speaker 2: go away for an extended period of time to do
Speaker 2: some shit. There's there's these websites where you can go
Speaker 2: to again like find some shit abroad or even maybe
Speaker 2: domestic where you can go and yeah, like like work
Speaker 2: on like a farm or like a fucking uh what
Speaker 2: is it. Yeah, there's just kind of like opportunity or something, yeah,
Speaker 2: co op something like that. You know, again, you got
Speaker 2: to kind of save up for a a plane ticket
Speaker 2: to get there or gas or whatever it is. But
Speaker 2: once you're there, you know, you might maybe you'll be
Speaker 2: able to find something that you're looking for. Uh, maybe
Speaker 2: you'll be able to find what you're looking for there.
Speaker 3: I will kind of look into some more of that
Speaker 3: because I feel like that would solve some of my problems.
Speaker 3: And I bet other people would benefit from something like
Speaker 3: that too, So that's probably good. We're even talking about it.
Speaker 1: M M.
Speaker 3: I don't know, you know, sad.
Speaker 2: Guru, Yeah, sure, I know who that is.
Speaker 3: They have I'm in Atlanta, so there, and they have
Speaker 3: a headquarters in Tennessee and they have a spot. But
Speaker 3: that's extensive too, and it's like, man, I gotta work,
Speaker 3: like I'm literally I can't afford to. I have to support,
Speaker 3: you know, some kids and stuff like that and pay
Speaker 3: my bills or whatever.
Speaker 2: So it's just how many how many kids do you have?
Speaker 2: How many kids are some kids?
Speaker 3: I have three kids, have three kids, and they are
Speaker 3: all young, and they are expensive. And it's only gotten
Speaker 3: more expensive since I started having just like the economy
Speaker 3: and everything. That's just like that's tough, man, because you know,
Speaker 3: being let me get a few beers and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 3: that's twenty bucks. I probably should put towards their retirement
Speaker 3: funds or whatever. Then I feel bad about that, so
Speaker 3: then whatever. But you know, that's that's one of the
Speaker 3: struggles that I have, is trying to find the right time.
Speaker 3: And I actually did take off a few weeks of
Speaker 3: work in December and I thought, hey, i'll clean my
Speaker 3: house up, you know that I'm I did do some
Speaker 3: of it, and then like kids got fig or it's
Speaker 3: just a lot going on. So then I'd almost made
Speaker 3: the opportunity. I talked to my parents because they're nearby
Speaker 3: at least a few hours a couple hours away. That
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm gonna go stay up there with
Speaker 3: you guys for a few weeks, just to get away.
Speaker 3: Like I was open, openly talking to him about the
Speaker 3: same kind of stuff we're talking about, but then time
Speaker 3: passed and I didn't do it. Now we're back into
Speaker 3: the whole cycle of like, you know, school stuff and
Speaker 3: softball feyball stuff, and I don't want to miss my star.
Speaker 3: I just don't want to be an assent dad. I'm
Speaker 3: trying to do my best, but then I'm off of
Speaker 3: struggling and I'm just like, man, what the fus what
Speaker 3: do I do?
Speaker 1: What do I do? What do I do?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know, man, I try your best. I
Speaker 2: guess I don't know what the hell you do?
Speaker 3: I mean, that really is the point that I wanted
Speaker 3: to make. That's really why I wanted to call, because
Speaker 3: it's what you gotta do. You gotta do your best.
Speaker 2: Man, Just try your best, man, I mean, I I mean,
Speaker 2: with like alcohol, it's like I don't, I don't, I don't,
Speaker 2: I don't know, man, I mean, you just have to
Speaker 2: fucking decide. It's just a thing of like deciding to
Speaker 2: change and deciding to prioritize ship and deciding to fucking
Speaker 2: do do better on it. You know, I don't know, man,
Speaker 2: I don't have any I don't have anything for you.
Speaker 2: That's yeah. I mean, you seem like you care about life.
Speaker 2: You seem like you care about your kids, or because
Speaker 2: if you didn't care about your kids, you'd be gone
Speaker 2: by now. You wouldn't even be in anywhere or any
Speaker 2: you wouldn't be on the phone with me right now,
Speaker 2: you'd be in like a I don't even know. But
Speaker 2: you care enough about life and enough about bar be
Speaker 2: in a bar.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: You care enough about life, You care enough about your family,
Speaker 2: You care enough about yourself that you're trying. You know,
Speaker 2: you still give a shit about yeah, existing on the
Speaker 2: plan about that stuff, and you know, and go ahead.
Speaker 3: I'm a nice guy man, like making people happy. I
Speaker 3: just kee said, I'm fucking so unhappy all the time.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I went on a date a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 3: My wife is like, you know, you're like you kind
Speaker 3: of hot, but like you're too mad all the time,
Speaker 3: Like how you think I'm hot? I don't think I'm
Speaker 3: out by.
Speaker 2: The way, I'm sorry you went. You went on a
Speaker 2: date with your wife?
Speaker 3: My wife, Yeah, we got a date A couple of
Speaker 3: weeks ago, which is very far few and far in between,
Speaker 3: so it was it was pretty good.
Speaker 2: Timing and how's your how's everything going with your wife?
Speaker 1: Good?
Speaker 3: I mean good, And you know, honestly, it is probably
Speaker 3: better than it was last year this time when I
Speaker 3: told you, we spoke crazy for me to think you
Speaker 3: would remember the conversation and I don't even actually remember
Speaker 3: that well because I was pretty drunk. But you know,
Speaker 3: things are good, so you know, that was one of
Speaker 3: the main points. Like I said, I want to I
Speaker 3: got the opportunity to get dirty too, and just you know,
Speaker 3: we just we just got to keep keep our heads
Speaker 3: up and keep learning and keep thinking and keep trying
Speaker 3: and just trying to do better. I think m hm hm.
Speaker 3: And you know, we people do like having these conversations,
Speaker 3: and in general public it's just harder these days and
Speaker 3: everything so technology related and computers, computer nerds stuff behind
Speaker 3: the you know, you get stuck in this cycle behind
Speaker 3: the keyboard and in your own heads and stuff. It's
Speaker 3: hard to break out of it sometimes. But uh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: What's your name against, sir?
Speaker 3: My name is Keegan, Yeah, Keegan, Keegan, Keegan.
Speaker 2: You know what, man, I'm gonna have optimism for you, Keegan.
Speaker 3: I've got optimism optimism for me.
Speaker 2: Too, that's all. That's it. As long as you have that,
Speaker 2: you're gonna be uh, you know, as long as you
Speaker 2: actually truly, genuinely have a little bit of optimism, hopefully
Speaker 2: things will be on a trajectory. I fucking hope, man, I.
Speaker 3: Hope continues to hope to help that. That's not religious. Uh,
Speaker 3: it doesn't even matter. And I did not have to
Speaker 3: bring that up. But I think if we just stay on,
Speaker 3: stay on the right path, and continue thinking and just
Speaker 3: trying to do better, we'll get there one day, right.
Speaker 2: You know. Uh, there's a better chance. At least is
Speaker 2: a better chance at least. I'll say that much. All right,
Speaker 2: Is there anything else you want to say? The people
Speaker 2: of the computer before we go? Keep your head up, baby,
Speaker 2: rock and roll, rock and roll, all right, take care
Speaker 2: of Keegan, Good luck man, Thanks brother man oh Man.
Speaker 2: The more I do this podcast, the more I'm like,
Speaker 2: I don't have answer. I mean I don't. I don't
Speaker 2: necessarily advertise myself as having answers to the questions of life.
Speaker 2: I sometimes sometimes I want to folks, listeners, help me
Speaker 2: out here. I tell me, you know what, I'm just
Speaker 2: gonna say this. Do you guys, Do you guys think?
Speaker 2: Sometimes I wonder if doing this podcast makes me depressed
Speaker 2: or if it makes me better, Because on one hand,
Speaker 2: it gives me, you know, it gives me like some
Speaker 2: purpose to do this show and have these conversations, and
Speaker 2: people enjoy listening to it, and people enjoy hearing it,
Speaker 2: and people people enjoy this kind of curation of other
Speaker 2: people's lives and stories and problems, and I do too.
Speaker 2: I do too, And I enjoy getting to express myself,
Speaker 2: and I enjoy kind of a lot of aspects of
Speaker 2: doing this. But then sometimes I wonder, I'm like, am
Speaker 2: I is repeated exposure to all of the lives of
Speaker 2: other people driving me insane, whether consciously or unconsciously, And
Speaker 2: then is having an audience of people watching in real
Speaker 2: time as I slowly go insane? Is what is that?
Speaker 2: But also am I going insane? Or am I actually
Speaker 2: doing a good thing by doing this show? Five It's
Speaker 2: been almost this summer, it'll be five years of doing
Speaker 2: this show. But I don't know. I only I only
Speaker 2: know this show from this end of it. I don't
Speaker 2: know it from the listener end, I don't. I only
Speaker 2: I only know my life from my own end. I
Speaker 2: don't know it from the end of anyone observing it.
Speaker 2: So I have to kind of ask myself these questions.
Speaker 2: I have to wonder that I was thinking. I selfishly
Speaker 2: was thinking about that a little bit through some of
Speaker 2: the calls today. I was like, is this is is
Speaker 2: dressing as a gecko and talking to people on the
Speaker 2: phone about all of the infinite because I because about
Speaker 2: about like all the infinite both joys and sorrows of
Speaker 2: life a good thing? Or is it detrimental to my
Speaker 2: own health? I even feel like it's kind of crazy
Speaker 2: for me to be thinking out loud about this, but
Speaker 2: I can't not. I've tried. I've said to myself, I'm like,
Speaker 2: I gotta stop thinking aloud so much. I gotta stop
Speaker 2: sharing so much on the podcast. I gotta protect myself
Speaker 2: a little bit. But then I'm like, I think it's
Speaker 2: just my nature and not like in my own life
Speaker 2: and in this podcast, I think it's just my nature.
Speaker 2: I don't think I cannot do it, but I mean,
Speaker 2: that's what it is, and I'm gonna keep doing it
Speaker 2: because it's Yeah, it's I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm
Speaker 2: going to keep being a Gecko and taking phone calls
Speaker 2: and making this podcast because I actually really do enjoy
Speaker 2: doing it. Ultimately, I think I scroll the I think
Speaker 2: I talked about this before, but I scroll through my
Speaker 2: Spotify sometimes, like like I'll like look at all the
Speaker 2: episodisodes and I'll look at the titles of them, and
Speaker 2: I'll remember the conversations and I'll be like, I really
Speaker 2: enjoyed having that conversation. I really enjoyed. I Like, I
Speaker 2: look at all the episodes and I'll be like, all
Speaker 2: of the like all of the episodes that I post
Speaker 2: on Spotify, like remember having that conversation, and I'll be like,
Speaker 2: I enjoyed having that conversation. But I do wonder if
Speaker 2: it's driving me insane. But I am going to keep
Speaker 2: doing it. But I guess I guess I should also
Speaker 2: do other things, like I think I'm going I'm also
Speaker 2: going to do other things, such as do an art
Speaker 2: gallery where I display my trash. Okay, yeah, this is
Speaker 2: a perfect time for me to I'm probably gonna put
Speaker 2: an ad somewhere at the beginning of the podcast for
Speaker 2: this to talk about it again. I'm going to display
Speaker 2: my trash. I'm trying to do things outside of what
Speaker 2: I normally do, and one of those things that I'm
Speaker 2: gonna do is take my trash and display it in
Speaker 2: an art exhibition because it's funny. And I'm gonna do
Speaker 2: that in Brooklyn, New York on March fourteenth from seven
Speaker 2: pm to ten pm. That'll be the gallery opening, but
Speaker 2: then the work will be on display at the gallery
Speaker 2: from March fourteenth to the twenty second. And if you
Speaker 2: want more details on this, I'm gonna include them in
Speaker 2: a link in the episode description. So that's my life is.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna keep talking to people on the phone as
Speaker 2: a gecko. I'm gonna do an art exhibition where I
Speaker 2: show off my trash. And you know, I'm trying to
Speaker 2: have optimism for myself, and therefore I just feel like
Speaker 2: I have to have optimism for other people. It's maybe
Speaker 2: like a d it's a danger. It might be like
Speaker 2: a dangerous amount of it's so douchey to be like
Speaker 2: I'm an EmPATH or whatever, but like I like if
Speaker 2: I I just I have to be optimistic for everyone
Speaker 2: and everything or else. I don't know how I'm gonna
Speaker 2: be optimistic for myself. But that might be that might
Speaker 2: just be unrealistic. I don't know. Isn't it weird? After
Speaker 2: five years of doing this, I have way more questions
Speaker 2: than answers. I had way more confidence and answers I
Speaker 2: think when I started than now. But I'm enjoying. But
Speaker 2: it's similar in the sense that it's therapeutic for other
Speaker 2: people to come on and call and talk about these
Speaker 2: things with an audience to hear them. It's therapeutic for
Speaker 2: me to do it too, And that's why I'm doing it.
Speaker 2: That's why I'm putting this on the internet in a
Speaker 2: podcast for other people to listen to. Just a big,
Speaker 2: long rant about what's going on in my brain. It's
Speaker 2: helpful even though it's on the internet forever, and like
Speaker 2: in five years, someone will be like, Hey, I heard
Speaker 2: you ranting like a crazy person on a podcast five
Speaker 2: years ago. What's up with that? I had? All I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna All you really can do in that moment
Speaker 2: is just go, you know, yeah, yeah, but what's how
Speaker 2: you doing? What's what's the weather like today? What am
Speaker 2: I gonna eat for lunch today?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: How am I feeling right now? In this moment. Right,
Speaker 2: that all makes sense. Right. I'm enjoying this format of
Speaker 2: the podcast where I just rant incessantly my thoughts from
Speaker 2: my own brain. I'm trying to think of I have
Speaker 2: anything else to share or say before we end the episode.
Speaker 2: Sunlight is good. It's good to get sunlight. I've been
Speaker 2: every morning I've been talking. I talked about my excidential
Speaker 2: dreadale at this episode. Every morning, I feel great, the
Speaker 2: sun shines, I take a walk, I do some pushups,
Speaker 2: I feel great, and then at nightfall, as I'm recording
Speaker 2: this right now, it's nightfall, and then at nightfall, I
Speaker 2: feel more despirally. So how do I create morning in
Speaker 2: my brain at all times? I'm not sure? For me,
Speaker 2: people helps like real having interactions with real human beings,
Speaker 2: being out of my house, being out of my brain.
Speaker 2: Walking always feels great. I like activity. I was in
Speaker 2: a crowded restaurant the other night at ten pm. That
Speaker 2: felt amazing. It's one of the things I like about
Speaker 2: New York. One of the things I like about Tokyo
Speaker 2: is that there's always crowds and people, and I know
Speaker 2: everyone's kind of different. Some people they they feel much
Speaker 2: better alone. But I always feel better when I'm surrounded
Speaker 2: by like activity and things and stuff. I think it's
Speaker 2: like an ADHD thing. But yeah, that's it. That's the
Speaker 2: end of this rant. Tell let's say some stuff. And
Speaker 2: I don't I read all the Spotify I mean, I'm crazy,
Speaker 2: I shouldn't do this, but I read all the Spotify comments.
Speaker 2: I read all the YouTube comments. So talk to each
Speaker 2: other in the YouTube comments and in the Spotify comments,
Speaker 2: say say some things to each other, say some things
Speaker 2: for yourself. I don't know. I don't know anything. I
Speaker 2: I I am on a search. For all I know
Speaker 2: is I feel good ranting into this microphone right now.
Speaker 2: And so thanks for listening to this podcast and for
Speaker 2: listening to the me ranting into this microphone. I hope
Speaker 2: it was helpful for it was helpful for me. I
Speaker 2: hope it was helpful for you. I hope it was
Speaker 2: good for you. And let's keep doing it. But for now,
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to sleep. So thanks for listening
Speaker 2: to this podcast. Good luck, fucking try your best, and
Speaker 2: that's it, man, Try your best. It's all you can do.
Speaker 2: Try your best, it's all you can do. So you
Speaker 2: can do go to good. If you're if you're listening
Speaker 2: to this podcast at like one o'clock in the morning
Speaker 2: and you're spiraling, you're going insane, Just drink some water,
Speaker 2: go to bed, and then try again tomorrow. That's the
Speaker 2: thing about thoughts is every time I have a thought,
Speaker 2: I'm like, this is it. This is the per every
Speaker 2: time I have a negative thought, I'm like, this is
Speaker 2: it now, this is the permanent status of my brain forever.
Speaker 2: And then that makes me spiral more. And I just
Speaker 2: gotta always remember. I just gotta remember. No, it's the
Speaker 2: kind of the feelings and the especially when you have
Speaker 2: like ADHD or whatever, the feelings in your brain, they
Speaker 2: just cycle, they cycle, and they cycle. So if you're
Speaker 2: feeling good, it's not gonna last forever. If you're feeling shitty,
Speaker 2: it's not gonna last forever. So just just will let
Speaker 2: it pass. Let it flow like water. I feel like
Speaker 2: people say that a lot. Let the feelings flow like water.
Speaker 2: If you're feeling insane, just let it fucking pass. It's
Speaker 2: not gonna be forever. If if someone's mad at you,
Speaker 2: they won't be mad at you forever, or maybe they will,
Speaker 2: but you won't feel it forever. It'll be all right,
Speaker 2: all right, good luck, thanks for listening.
Speaker 3: There. Rep Ken goes on the line, taking your phone
Speaker 3: calls every night.
Speaker 2: The repin Can goes.
Speaker 3: Doory's right, he's teaching you to loud to live your life,
Speaker 3: but he's not really an expert.