WEBVTT - Predicting Your Divorce 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:07.400 Hey, everyone, thanks for coming back and coming along this 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:11.080 journey with me. Like I mentioned in the previous episodes, 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:13.960 I'm in the middle of a divorce. The end of 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:17.360 my marriage played out on reality TV, which really did 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:22.160 add an extra layer that's already difficult and a painful process. 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:25.079 As I found myself deciding to end my marriage, I 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:28.560 realized that I really didn't have a clue about the 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:33.120 divorce process. So I'm super excited for our guest today 0:00:33.200 --> 0:00:35.879 because I have so many questions and I'm sure this 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:41.080 conversation will resonate with many of you. Welcome family law 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:45.240 attorney Dennis Bentrano, who also hosts his own podcast called 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:47.440 The DRV Law Show Podcast. 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:50.600 Hi Dennis, Hey Michelle, how are you good to meet you? 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:51.320 Good to meet you. 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:54.760 I'm so excited and I've been watching you for years. 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:57.960 I love I think you're so insightful and everything I've 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.000 seen on social media is incredible. 0:01:00.400 --> 0:01:03.120 You're very knowledgeable in what you do. 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:05.760 Thank you so much. I'm glad to be on the show. 0:01:05.760 --> 0:01:07.800 It'll be a good opportunity for us to chat about 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:08.280 the process. 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:11.520 Absolutely, so I kind of want to start from the 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:14.559 very beginning. You know, most people when they get married, 0:01:14.640 --> 0:01:17.760 they don't plan on getting divorced. So what is that 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:21.640 first thing someone should do when they start contemplating leaving 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:22.360 their spouse. 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:26.039 I always tell people when you utter those words for 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:29.920 the first time, I want a divorce, or threaten the divorce, 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:32.000 or you're having an argument back and forth and that 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.680 thought even crosses your mind, that's the point at which 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:40.240 you really need to, you know, step back and I 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:44.959 think be really thoughtful about the decision, because clearly it's 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:48.320 something you're contemplating and it's a huge decision to make. 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:52.240 Not that I'm discouraging people from doing it, but really 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:56.160 be thoughtful about, like making that ultimate decision. And once 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:00.080 you know that that's a direction you need to go 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:02.640 in in your life to reach that next phase of 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:05.960 your life or to turn that proverbial page, then it's 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:09.360 time to start surrounding yourself with a group of people 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:11.160 who are really just going to be your support team. 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:16.919 Absolutely, And for myself, you know, I did have friends 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:19.920 that were in the divorce process, so it was helpful 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:23.280 for me. They recommended attorneys, But I feel like if 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:25.560 you don't have friends who are in the same boat 0:02:25.600 --> 0:02:28.839 as you, there's just so much there's just so much 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:31.839 information out there, Like what do you look for when 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.639 you're trying to find the right divorce attorney. 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:39.560 That's a hard one. I think choosing the right lawyer 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:43.280 can be one of the most difficult decisions you'll make, 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:45.519 especially right out of the gate. But I think, look, 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:47.800 there's a couple of tips that I would have in 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:54.119 that regard. I think, certainly read reviews, Certainly consume as 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:56.880 much information as you can that's out there, because right 0:02:56.960 --> 0:02:59.480 now we're at a very unique point in time in 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:04.760 that there's so much free information out there about navigating 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:08.399 the process. So start consuming that free information that's out there. 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.200 Read some reviews, take a look at some websites, and 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.560 then just go in and meet with people. I will 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:19.920 tell you the best divorce lawyers are also really good people, 0:03:20.120 --> 0:03:23.120 and they tend to exude a level of confidence about 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:27.720 their craft. And you would be surprised how insightful a layperson, 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:30.600 somebody goes no legal training at all, can be about 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:33.560 choosing the right lawyer if they take their time and 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:36.960 they're thoughtful about it. When you go into a lawyer's office, 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:39.920 you know, nine times out of ten you're gonna know 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:41.840 you're gonna walk in the office. It's gonna look organized, 0:03:41.880 --> 0:03:44.000 it's gonna look like a well put together operation. And 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.600 then when you meet with that lawyer, you know they're 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:48.400 gonna sit down and they're gonna talk to you. 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:50.920 The good lawyers. 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:53.120 Are gonna make you feel like you're in the right place, 0:03:53.160 --> 0:03:55.520 and you'd be surprised. Trust your gut, you'll know. 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:56.680 I feel the same way. 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:00.760 I interviewed a couple lawyers and I just, you know, 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:03.800 somebody who understood me, and I connected with them, and 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.320 I just felt like they would really push for me. 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:08.000 That's who I ended up going with. 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:10.080 Here's an important piece about that, Michelle. 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:10.640 Think about this. 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:16.240 You interviewed a few lawyers. That's a really important tip 0:04:16.320 --> 0:04:19.679 right there. Make sure you don't go into a lawyer's 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:21.640 office like, oh, I'm gonna find this lawyer, this one 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:23.880 looks good, I'm gonna choose this one today. Don't go 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:26.880 into it in that way. Interview a few lawyers and 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:28.040 see where you feel comfortable. 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.520 Absolutely, And I think I actually learned the wrong the 0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:35.200 hard way. I learned the hard way because initially we 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:39.039 tried working with a mediator and we didn't ask any 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:42.080 questions and we just kind of found one and hired her, 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:45.040 and it just was not a good person for us 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:45.720 to work with. 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:49.000 I tell people when I do consultations, I say, after 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.560 I do a consultation with a client, I'll say, I 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:54.160 want you to go home and think about this, and 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:57.040 I want you to call us back if you feel 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:01.359 like we're a good fit for you. And that speaks 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.839 volumes anybody that's trying to like, Oh, don't worry about it, 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:05.599 I'll take care of it. 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:07.600 I've got it all settled for you. I've got y'all 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:08.840 to get y'all taken care of. 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:13.880 Be cautious about those sort of approaches and those types 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:16.960 of personalities in either divorce mediation or in divorce law. 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:18.839 Yeah, I agree with you. 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.760 And so I didn't know anything about a mediator, And 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:27.640 so what do you know, if somebody can't afford an attorney, 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:29.280 what do you recommend. 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:35.680 I wholeheartedly believe in the divorce mediation process. 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:36.520 I really do. 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:42.039 I think it's something that should work for most couples, 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:45.760 not all most, And I'll put a little asterisk next 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:49.720 to that, it's not you know, mediation can take on 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:52.839 multiple different forms, right. It can be two parties working 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:57.599 with a mediator, It can be two parties with their 0:05:57.640 --> 0:06:01.000 own lawyers working with a mediator, or it can also 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:03.400 be the lawyers taking a large role and really being 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:06.080 involved in representing their clients in the context of the 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:08.440 mediation process. I mean, look, it's going to vary from 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:11.200 state to state and from you know, county to county 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:15.240 what the rules are. But I will say, generally speaking, 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:21.160 going into the divorce process, like I need to find 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:25.880 something that's fair in the form of an amicable resolution 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:28.400 that will get me to the other side. If that's 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:32.440 the mentality of both parties, mediation can work. 0:06:33.120 --> 0:06:33.360 Uh. 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:36.359 And then you just need to figure out which which 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:40.039 you know, system, which which type of mediation works best 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:42.920 for you. I always suggest, like, look, especially if it's 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:45.560 kids and there's a lot of complexities, and it's a 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.159 long term marriage and there's high assets, you know, you 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.840 probably best off each having your own lawyer and then 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:54.640 trying to work with a mediator on the things that 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:59.680 would be too costly or wasteful in terms of legal 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:02.040 fees having the lawyers go back and forth and back 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:03.040 and forth and back and forth. 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:05.960 I didn't know that. So you could have both an 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:07.400 attorney and a mediator. 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:11.160 You can and the situations that we typically do. So 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:14.600 we have two certified divorce mediators here, I'm one of them. 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:19.680 We have multiple divorce attorneys, so we deal with every 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:23.360 type of scenario in terms of in the context of mediation. 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.400 We have situations where we're just the lawyers just sitting 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:29.679 on the sidelines, advising along the way, giving legal advice, 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.360 making sure that the agreement that you ultimately reached in 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.360 your case is fair to you, and making sure whichever 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:40.640 whatever written agreement you ultimately arrive at is correctly properly 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:42.800 drafted to ensure that it protects your interests. 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:43.280 We do that. 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:47.960 We've also been the mediator where there's lawyers. Each party 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:50.000 has their own lawyer and we're the mediator in the middle. 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:54.520 So I do think that tends to be the more 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.880 thorough approach. It is a little bit more costly, but 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:00.920 I do think it's worth it. It's, like I said, 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:03.720 complexities in your case where you feel like it's very 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.800 important to have a lawyer representing your interests, and yet 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:09.120 you really want to try to, you know, just get 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:11.920 a fair resolution and reach an agreement together. 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:14.800 I know it's a really broad question, but like I 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:17.800 had no idea going into a divorce, like, what can 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:20.920 the timeline be like realistically? 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:24.640 I mean, you know, it's funny I get this question 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:27.760 all the time and I usually tell people my fastest, 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:31.080 my quickest divorce that we've ever completed here was sixty 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:33.920 days start to finish. So that's from the date they 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.560 came into the office and sign a retainer agreement until 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:38.679 the date we had a judgment of divorce in hand. 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:41.840 So but that's like hyper speed. And that was a 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:45.760 situation where it's straightforward, limited assets, not a lot of 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.480 complexities with kids, and the parties came in and they said, hey, 0:08:48.800 --> 0:08:50.520 you know, we've reached an agreement. We really just want 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:52.000 you guys to draft it up for us. And we 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:53.760 did that and we got it done pretty quickly. But 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:57.719 I have also seen those cases where and again these 0:08:57.800 --> 0:08:58.600 are rare. 0:08:58.440 --> 0:08:59.600 But you do have them. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:02.439 A judge, you know, you change judges in your case 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:06.040 because the end of their term comes up, lawyer dies 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:09.520 or they change lawyers. And those cases are cases that 0:09:09.559 --> 0:09:12.680 have pended for years, you know. In addition to obviously 0:09:12.760 --> 0:09:15.280 there's motions back and forth and people are arguing about 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:18.520 the you know, the silliest things. So I think with divorces. 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:20.439 It's one of those things where it can be as 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:24.120 short as as possible, say sixty days, it can also 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:27.720 be years. And that's why, like I said, I think 0:09:27.760 --> 0:09:31.840 it's very important when you go into the process that 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:38.000 you understand it is a humongous life change for both parties. 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.319 It can be such a complex not just from a 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:44.679 legal standpoint, but also from a mental and emotional standpoint. 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.760 Process to go through that you really need to you know, 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:52.360 get organized, understand the you know, and approach it in 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:55.320 stepwise fashion. Like, Hey, for the mental and emotional I 0:09:55.400 --> 0:09:57.280 need to get a support team with me. I need 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:59.040 to have friends. I need to have a good lawyer. 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:01.360 I need to have maybe a counselor with me. Maybe 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:04.040 I need a divorce coach. You know, get prepared, get 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.200 a list of the things you need to do to start, 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:08.680 you know, a to do list, and then you know, 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:10.240 go down through the process. 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:13.640 Yeah, because I can say, even for my mental health, 0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:17.680 like it's very taxing to constantly get emails and try 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.880 to find information and don't like I can't even imagine 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:22.880 not having a lawyer or some guidance. 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:24.440 It's a tough process. 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.200 And again I think for us as the lawyers. I 0:10:27.280 --> 0:10:30.800 want to be your legal expert. Obviously, I'm so familiar 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.640 with every facet of the divorce process in that I've 0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:35.720 done it for twenty five years, from everything for the 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:39.360 most simple divorce to the most complex, you know, acrimonious, 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:43.120 multimillion dollar construction company divorce. But I want to be 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:45.600 your lawyer. I don't want to be your counselor, and 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:49.440 I can't be your friend. But I want to tell you, hey, 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:52.160 you know, get get your support team together, do the 0:10:52.240 --> 0:10:54.560 things you need to do to get your emotions under control, 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:58.560 and make sure you're okay mentally right, to really be 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.000 patient to get the right result throughout your case. And 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:03.360 then I'm going to help you get the fair result. 0:11:03.600 --> 0:11:06.120 And something I didn't know, Like I've always heard the 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:10.400 term before, but it's never really discussed, you know, prenups. 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:14.360 And recently I even learned about post once you're married. 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:19.000 Once you're married, that can be very helpful. I wish 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:21.400 I had more information about that. And it's like you 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:23.840 kind of get scared, like you're getting married to somebody. 0:11:23.840 --> 0:11:26.240 The last thing you're thinking about is like, hey, let's 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:30.320 do a prenup, right, But what do you think about prenups. 0:11:30.000 --> 0:11:32.200 And listen, I think prenups in a lot of ways 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:34.520 get a bad rap. I mean, if you watch the 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:36.959 content that I put out there, I've spent twenty five 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:39.640 years handling divorce cases. The best way for me to 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.520 help people is take that twenty five years of experience 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:43.800 for people and work backwards. 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:45.760 Okay, what could we have. 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:50.560 Done to help us either through the process or to 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:54.480 help us land in a better relationship or even keep 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:58.320 that relationship intact? And I think, I think you know 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:01.480 prenups is one of the things, and it's not for 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:03.840 the reasons that you know. The reason why I'm pro 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:07.520 pren up is not for the reasons people think I'm 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:10.480 pro prene up as much for the fact that it's 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:15.000 transparency at the outset as anything else. So think of 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.760 it like this, Before you get married, don't you want 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:20.560 to know what each of your finances is like? Don't 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:22.880 you don't you want to know what each of you 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.800 expects from the other should the worst happen? Because that 0:12:26.840 --> 0:12:30.040 speaks volumes about people's personality and the person that you're 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:34.240 ultimately going to dedicate your life to. And I think 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:38.679 you know I'm finding that young professionals in today's day 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:43.800 and age are doing them more and more frequently. So yeah, 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:48.400 I'm a big proponent of prenups, and just as much 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:52.720 because it gives you transparency before you commit your life 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:54.160 to someone as any other reason. 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:59.000 Absolutely, and talk to me about how people change during 0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:03.280 divorce and can even be unrecognizable. 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:05.720 Right, Yeah, it's funny because. 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:07.400 You got people at their worst. 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:10.560 One hundred percent out there worth. So a couple of 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:12.520 a couple of things I'll share with you on that point. 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:14.800 I think you know, I heard this saying the other day, 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:17.199 and I think it's one hundred percent true. The person 0:13:17.280 --> 0:13:20.680 you divorce is not the person you married. 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:22.280 They're a different person. 0:13:22.840 --> 0:13:26.160 And I think that's true not only because people you've 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:28.320 all when they change over time, and they also can 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.680 get nasty when the divorce process you know, comes on, 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:36.560 But I think you know also because in those sorts 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:41.839 of circumstances, you know, they they just change over time. 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:43.719 So I think. 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:49.200 It's just important when you're choosing someone to dedicate your 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:51.120 life to. When we keep get going back to you know, 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:53.640 like rewind, like, how do we start from a good 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:55.200 point in these circumstances? 0:13:55.840 --> 0:13:56.200 Uh? 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:59.120 And I always tell people like, if you're dating somebody, 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:02.800 take a look at how they treat their worst enemy. 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:06.000 Take a look at how they treat someone who makes 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:06.480 them mad. 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:08.120 How do they react. 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:11.080 Are they the type of person that's going to chase 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:14.400 down somebody in a road race situation and go to 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.800 kick their windshield in? I mean, is this the sort 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:19.880 of person because you want to prepare for what is 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:25.080 this person going to be like in the worst possible circumstance. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:27.360 That is such great advice. 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.800 That is amazing because I remember even with my ex, 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:34.000 like I loved him so much, and I saw how 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:37.320 he treated people when they did him wrong or he 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:40.560 was unhappy and it wasn't good. You know, his first 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:42.480 thought was like I want to sue you. I want 0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:45.320 to get revenge. And I never thought of it like 0:14:45.720 --> 0:14:47.280 I could one day be that person. 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:51.240 You could one day be on the other end of it. 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:53.560 So I'll give you a perfect, perfect example in my life. 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:56.560 They're a handful of people's people in a circumstance that 0:14:56.640 --> 0:15:00.440 I dealt with recently who went far out of their 0:15:00.440 --> 0:15:02.800 way to do wrong to me and wrong to my kid. Right, 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:06.520 But now I see them on a regular basis, and 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.960 I say Am I gonna harbor animosity towards this person. 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:12.920 Am I gonna dedicate energy to go after this person? 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:15.400 Or am I gonna say, you know what, what's in 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.480 the past is in the past. It's over and done with. 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:21.160 If they're nice to me, I'm gonna be nice to them, 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:23.080 you know. And that's why, like I always say, like, 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:25.000 if there were ever a circumstance where I were to 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:27.720 split from my wife and we've been happily married for years, 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:31.400 I would never go out of my way to try 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:34.120 to take something from her that was hers, or try 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:36.280 to or try to just get back at her just 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:41.480 for petty, you know, anger sort of things. And I 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:44.680 think that speaks to people's character. It really does. So 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:47.480 while you know, yes, it's true that people change over time, 0:15:47.920 --> 0:15:51.040 and yes, the divorce process does get people to an 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:54.680 ugly place. And yes, you know, in the divorce process 0:15:54.720 --> 0:15:56.800 most people are what they've always say is like two 0:15:56.960 --> 0:16:01.120 or three degrees away from their normal base line personality 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:04.440 because such a stressful event. Yes, all those things are true, 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:07.600 but you know, good people are gonna be good people 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:08.480 at their core. 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:12.640 Absolutely, and that is I think one of the best 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:16.880 advices I've ever heard because it happened to me, and 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.360 you know in the beginning, you just don't think like that. 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:23.560 And I feel like looking at it first, like worse 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:25.320 comes to worse, what's going to happen? 0:16:25.400 --> 0:16:27.200 I think that's actually the best approach. 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:36.280 How do you feel about people staying in marriages when 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:38.560 they are unhappy and they have children? 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:42.640 Well, I love that. Feel like you're modeling it. And 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:44.320 I'll give you an example. Or watch the video on 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.760 TikTok the other day, right, and they were talking about 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:50.200 father's raising daughters, and they said, one of the best 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:52.280 things you can do if you're a father raising a 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:57.320 daughter is to treat her mother well because you are 0:16:57.480 --> 0:17:01.760 teaching her how she can expect to be treated by 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:05.560 a partner when she gets older. What can she expect 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:09.240 from her partner? Can she expect to be ridiculed? Can 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:12.560 she expect to be you know, built up? Can you 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:15.520 Can she expect somebody who's going to encourage her and 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:20.280 motivate her and inspire her or can she expect that 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:22.840 it's going to be the other direction? So I think 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:26.240 if you're in a relationship where your partner and I 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:28.760 think this especially goes for women and fathers and daughters, 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:31.359 because particularly it's something close to my heart because I 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:34.680 have a daughter right and I always am mindful of 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:39.359 trying to treat her mother well. Just keep in mind, 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.920 if you're in a relationship where your husband is treating 0:17:42.960 --> 0:17:46.840 you poorly and your daughter is watching that happen over 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:50.880 and over again, you are modeling what she can believe 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:53.960 she can expect from another from her partner as she 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:54.560 gets older. 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:55.840 So yes, I. 0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:58.000 Believe if you're in a situation where you know it's 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:01.040 toxic or worse she had its abuse, or it's a 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:04.600 situation where you're just gonna never get to the next step, 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:07.480 the next page in your life leading to happiness in 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.119 your life, you need to get out of it. 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:12.720 I'm very happy you said that because my life coach 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:15.359 actually told me that, and that's how I opened up 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:17.760 my eyes because I never saw it that way. I 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:22.080 didn't realize, like, my daughter is going to watch how 0:18:22.119 --> 0:18:25.000 a man treats me. And he had asked me like, 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:28.280 would you want a man to treat your daughter that way? 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:32.040 And listen, just let that statement lie for a little 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:35.280 for a few minutes. I mean, listeners need to really 0:18:35.320 --> 0:18:38.919 take that to heart. Would you want a man to 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:41.480 treat your daughter that way. 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:45.080 Yeah, And I think I've gotten a lot of criticism that, 0:18:45.440 --> 0:18:48.040 you know, thinking the old school way, like no matter what, 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:52.000 even if you're unhappy, you stay in the marriage. And 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:54.240 I think it's the complete opposite. 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:57.760 It is it is, And I think the toxicity for 0:18:58.000 --> 0:18:59.440 kids they soak up. 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:01.120 Give another piece of information. 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:05.679 A lot of the divorces that I get where women 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:08.040 come forward and they say, hey, it's it's time for 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:09.439 me to pull the trigger and say and you know 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:12.800 what they say was the was the proverbial last straw. 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:18.680 Their kid said something to them. Their kid said, Mom, 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:22.800 it's it's time. Mom, it's you can't keep putting up 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:24.960 with this. Kids know when they're and they're soaking it 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:28.000 up like sponges. We think that, you know, oh they're 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:30.080 they're in their bedroom and they're sleeping, or they're hiding 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:30.560 around the court. 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:31.520 Listen, my daughter will. 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:34.119 They're always listening. That is something I learned. Even with 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:37.120 my four year old daughter. It's like, oh, yeah, they 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:38.440 have double ears. 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:42.240 The ears, the walls have ears, for sure. Oh yeah, 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:44.480 we've all had those. Middle of the night. My daughter 0:19:44.520 --> 0:19:46.600 will and she's like listen, she's like a cat. 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:48.760 Burglar in the middle of the night, I'll she'll just 0:19:48.880 --> 0:19:51.280 her head will pop out from behind the date bed 0:19:51.280 --> 0:19:52.600 in our bedroom and there she is. 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:53.840 I didn't even hear it come in. 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:56.440 These kids are smart nowadays. 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:57.400 They are. 0:19:58.800 --> 0:20:01.960 So as an expert in your field, can you spot 0:20:02.000 --> 0:20:04.840 a couple who's doomed before they even know it? 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:10.359 Ooh yeah, yeah, I can spot the signs. I mean again, 0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:13.560 and I think, you know, I hate to keep coming 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:15.639 back to this, but I think, especially for women, you know, 0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:19.560 one of the good one indicator for me is like, 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:22.199 and I was thinking this as we were talking earlier, like, 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:27.520 are you with a partner who would be comfortable when 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:30.000