Speaker 1: Today on the bright Side, we're getting into dating dynamics
Speaker 1: with dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar.
Speaker 2: She's here to tell us how to do the work.
Speaker 3: Like I think the reality is most people, it's not
Speaker 3: a lack of information. We have all the information. It's
Speaker 3: a lack of implementation. And so when we're really looking
Speaker 3: at what is doing the work means. Doing the work
Speaker 3: means being able to stop and say, what is actually
Speaker 3: my reality versus what glasses am I wearing to alter
Speaker 3: the reality.
Speaker 4: I'm feeling empowered. We're talking radical self acceptance, y'all, and
Speaker 4: how to take control of your love life. Later we
Speaker 4: play a game of red Flag, Green Flag, or in between.
Speaker 4: It's Thursday, March twenty eighth. I'm Simone Boye.
Speaker 1: I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright side from
Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2: Tell me about your life.
Speaker 4: What's going on? Let's see what's going on? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 4: wait a minute to like think about do you have
Speaker 4: anything off the top of your head.
Speaker 1: I unfortunately have a story right on the tip of
Speaker 1: my tongue, and it's so it's the most embarrassing thing
Speaker 1: that's happened to me in a.
Speaker 2: Really long time.
Speaker 4: Wait, I need to hear this because we were on
Speaker 4: the phone yesterday and you were like, I have to
Speaker 4: save this story for the tood, so tell me it
Speaker 4: right now.
Speaker 1: Okay, So yesterday you and I had like a morning
Speaker 1: function about the podcast, and then I went home and
Speaker 1: I took a little nap because I you know what
Speaker 1: it's like to launch a show like you and I
Speaker 1: have not been sleeping.
Speaker 2: Take a little nap.
Speaker 1: And then I decided I was going to do something
Speaker 1: fun because I haven't done.
Speaker 2: All I've been doing is working.
Speaker 1: Okay, I decide I'm gonna go eat a big, fat,
Speaker 1: juicy hamburger, and I take myself to the Polo Lounge
Speaker 1: at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Speaker 4: Nice.
Speaker 1: You guys know the one from Instagram. It's like the
Speaker 1: Pink Hotel. It has the red carpet. When you walk in,
Speaker 1: it's all striped and flamingos, and it's very.
Speaker 2: Posh, classic Beverly Hills exactly. It has palm trees.
Speaker 1: You walk in and you're guaranteed to see not one,
Speaker 1: not two, but three celebrities. Oh this is I had
Speaker 1: a Jamie Lee Curtis spotting. There were like three people
Speaker 1: there that I recognize. I sit down at a booth
Speaker 1: and I'm eating, and it's I ordered a French onion soup,
Speaker 1: and then I ordered a caesar salad, and I ordered
Speaker 1: a hamburger with French fries all to myself. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: just girl. I'm sitting there, I'm enjoying, I'm eating. I
Speaker 1: pay the bill, and I was like really feeling satisfied
Speaker 1: because A I ate a whole lot, and B I
Speaker 1: just hadn't done anything for myself. I get up, mind you,
Speaker 1: the restaurant is completely full. I stand up and I
Speaker 1: walk away, and the tablecloth comes with me.
Speaker 4: Wait, like the classic comedic stunt where it follows you.
Speaker 1: Yes, the two glasses of water and diet coke come falling,
Speaker 1: The leftover food dishes break everywhere. The entire restaurant was
Speaker 1: staring at me. I didn't know what to do. I
Speaker 1: looked at the waiter. I was like, I am so sorry,
Speaker 1: but it's almost like it couldn't have been planned.
Speaker 2: It was like a movie.
Speaker 4: I'm wondering if you got punked, if someone tucked that
Speaker 4: tablecloth corner into your pants. Epic, Danielle, I'm actually I'm
Speaker 4: kind of impressed, Like I'm actually proud of you, Like,
Speaker 4: this is pretty epic.
Speaker 2: I was mortified. I could not.
Speaker 1: I'm a little clumsy, like I'll trip on thin air,
Speaker 1: I'll trip up the stairs.
Speaker 2: If I'm in the gym, sometimes a weight falls on
Speaker 2: my toe. But this was peak clumsiness.
Speaker 4: Did anybody did the paps get you?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: Did anybody get this on camera?
Speaker 2: You know, Jamie Lee Curtis was there, so they didn't
Speaker 2: care about me.
Speaker 4: Did anybody in the restaurant see the whole restaurant?
Speaker 1: It was so loud, it was truly mortifying.
Speaker 4: Well, look out look on TMZ later today, folks. Maybe
Speaker 4: we'll get a recap.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, can I ask you a personal question?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: So I mentioned how this show have been tough. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have two kids and a husband.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: A lot of my friends feel like when they're at work,
Speaker 1: they're thinking about kids. When they're with their kids, they're
Speaker 1: thinking about work. How are you thinking about your time?
Speaker 4: I am able to compartmentalize at this point, like I'm
Speaker 4: able to I'm getting better at mom guilt and I'm
Speaker 4: able to be present at work and be purposeful here.
Speaker 4: But you know, it is difficult. The phone is the
Speaker 4: worst distraction. The phone kills me when I'm with my kids,
Speaker 4: like the temptation to check an email or go on Instagram.
Speaker 4: I'm constantly battling that, so so it goes in my house. Okay,
Speaker 4: I have a fun game for us, Danielle. Are you ready? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I love a game.
Speaker 4: This is gonna be great. The power of the giggle people.
Speaker 4: We're getting ready to giggle here. Okay. So we're podcast hosts, right,
Speaker 4: getting names right, That's kind of in our job description.
Speaker 4: And you're an entertainment reporter. We have that in our
Speaker 4: vent diagram. So I'm going to put your celebrity name
Speaker 4: knowledge to the test. Okay, I'm going to give you
Speaker 4: a clue, and all you have to do is tell
Speaker 4: me the name of the celebrity that I'm talking about. Okay, ready,
Speaker 4: stop looking at my paper. I can't see your stope cheating.
Speaker 2: I don't have eyes that can see your paper.
Speaker 4: Okay, Okay, this first one, Danielle. We're gonna start with
Speaker 4: the first and last name here. This actor first became
Speaker 4: famous for his role in Call Me by Your Name.
Speaker 4: I love that movie. But his latest movie is the
Speaker 4: sci fi blockbuster Done two.
Speaker 2: I don't know who this is.
Speaker 4: Okay, Danielle. Here's a hint, he is allegedly dating Kylie Jenner.
Speaker 2: Uh okay.
Speaker 1: I definitely know who this is now, uh Tennessee Shalla
Speaker 1: May Okay?
Speaker 4: All right? Next, moving on, just the first name here,
Speaker 4: that's all you need. She's a friend and co star
Speaker 4: of the last actor, and you know her from Euphoria
Speaker 4: and a couple of Spider Man movies.
Speaker 2: Is it zendayah Zendaya?
Speaker 4: Great? Great? Okay? Now this next guy is currently getting
Speaker 4: a little rowdy in his latest movie, Roadhouse on Prime.
Speaker 2: Oh, Jake Jillenhall.
Speaker 4: Great? Moving on, we have two from the Mean Girls universe.
Speaker 4: This first actress can tell when it's already raining and
Speaker 4: make you dance and sing in Ley Miz and Mamma.
Speaker 2: Mia love her, Amanda Seifried okay.
Speaker 4: And someone else who was personally victimized by Regina George
Speaker 4: Katie Heron aka Lindsay Lohan.
Speaker 1: Great okay, but it's Lowen right, got it right, Lindsay Lohan?
Speaker 4: Okay? Moving on, Hello from the other side. She must
Speaker 4: have called a thousand times to tell you you've been saying
Speaker 4: your name wrong.
Speaker 2: Really, Adele okay?
Speaker 4: Got it? Now we got the names from you. We're
Speaker 4: gonna tally it up to see how you did. Okay,
Speaker 4: technically you only pronounced one of those celebrity names correctly.
Speaker 2: Wow, tell me how you're really supposed to pronounce them.
Speaker 4: Here's the thing. Don't feel bad because we've all been
Speaker 4: mispronouncing their names. So Timothy shallo May is actually tim
Speaker 4: o'ta shala May.
Speaker 2: It's tim o'ta.
Speaker 4: It's tim o'te.
Speaker 2: I don't believe that.
Speaker 4: It's tim o'te. I don't make the rules his parents did.
Speaker 1: No one on a red carpet has ever called him
Speaker 1: tim o'te.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna try it next time. Oh my god. Okay,
Speaker 4: this next one, Jake Jillenhall is really pronounced Jake yelen Halo.
Speaker 2: That's also not true.
Speaker 4: There's no he's Swedish. He's also Swedish royalty.
Speaker 2: Gill and yellow. There's no way it's true. And go
Speaker 2: to the same gym as him.
Speaker 4: Nobody's ever said, Janelle, you should ask him. Ariana Grande
Speaker 4: is not actually a medium drink from Starbucks. It's actually grandy.
Speaker 1: Oh I heard about that one time. Because Chrissy Tiaguan
Speaker 1: is really Chrissy tigan No way really, I think, and
Speaker 1: so I heard that was at the same time that
Speaker 1: the Grandi came out.
Speaker 4: I can't. You can't be grandy. You gotta go grande
Speaker 4: or go home. Okay, Amanda Seyfried, that's the mispronunciation. The
Speaker 4: correct pronunciation is actually Amanda Seifred. Okay. Lindsay Lohan, that's
Speaker 4: how we all know her name, right. The correct pronunciation
Speaker 4: is Lindsay Lowen. M Yeah, Lindsay Lowen Lowen. Okay. Next
Speaker 4: time you say hello to Adele, you might want to
Speaker 4: say Adele. Okay.
Speaker 2: That one's made up.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 2: It's an accent thing. That's crazy.
Speaker 4: It's technically a dial, a dial that was Southern.
Speaker 1: The first one was British Adele.
Speaker 5: That was funny. That was really funny.
Speaker 4: Okay, y'all. Up next, we're doing a deep dive on
Speaker 4: dating Red Flag. Sabrina Zohar, the no nonsense host so
Speaker 4: the Do the Work Podcast, joins us.
Speaker 5: Stick with us.
Speaker 4: Okay, we're back, y'all, And today on the show, we're
Speaker 4: catching feelings because even if you've found your happily ever after,
Speaker 4: we can all still benefit from a little love advice.
Speaker 1: That's for sure. Dating coach and host of the podcast,
Speaker 1: do the work. Sabrina Zohar is here to share what
Speaker 1: do you do if you found your perfect match on
Speaker 1: paper but the spark just isn't there.
Speaker 4: We also have some advice for anybody out there searching
Speaker 4: for love outside the apps. Sabrina, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 1: I can't take you seriously, Simone, Sabrina, thank you for
Speaker 1: joining us.
Speaker 3: Hi ladies, so good to see you. Thank you for
Speaker 3: having me. I'm excited for our chat today. We have
Speaker 3: so much to go over.
Speaker 4: Okay, Sabrina, everybody has questions when it comes to dating.
Speaker 4: But before we get into that, let's talk about the
Speaker 4: term dating coach because it gets thrown around a lot,
Speaker 4: but I think we should just level set and break
Speaker 4: it down. What does the term dating coach actually mean?
Speaker 4: And what do dating coaches do?
Speaker 3: So I'll speak for myself at least in this regard
Speaker 3: for me personally, what a day coach looks like is
Speaker 3: it's an amalgamation of things. On the top most people
Speaker 3: come to me with like, hey, okay, so here's my
Speaker 3: dating experience is I don't understand what's going on. I
Speaker 3: have some clients where I work with them purely to
Speaker 3: just teach them how to date. Literally have never even
Speaker 3: gone out there, have been married for thirty years, haven't
Speaker 3: even opened a nap. But then there's also this beautiful,
Speaker 3: magical part that I get to work with people to
Speaker 3: understand what's under that. So for me, yes, I could
Speaker 3: just talk over arching about how to date, but I
Speaker 3: actually love to bring people back home to themselves because
Speaker 3: my mama has been saying this to me for years.
Speaker 3: You have to love yourself more than the need to
Speaker 3: be loved by other people. Because if you are constantly
Speaker 3: waiting for everyone else to validate you, when you are
Speaker 3: so unhealthy in that regard, and when you're always waiting
Speaker 3: for that validation any healthy person coming your way, you
Speaker 3: won't be able to accept it because that goes against
Speaker 3: your core belief What I like to do is start
Speaker 3: to strip away and understand what are those core beliefs
Speaker 3: so that we can move past it, and then you
Speaker 3: can have different experiences in your dating life. So for me,
Speaker 3: at least personally, it goes way.
Speaker 4: Deeper, Sabrina, I want to hear more about you. I know,
Speaker 4: for me and for a lot of other people out
Speaker 4: there too. Sometimes we learn the most from our failures
Speaker 4: in life. So can you tell us a little bit
Speaker 4: more about where your expertise comes from. Do you think
Speaker 4: it comes from having bad dating experiences?
Speaker 3: Absolutely? Like I lived in New York for twelve years
Speaker 3: when I just turned nineteen up until I was thirty one.
Speaker 3: Then I moved to La so and ill had been
Speaker 3: dating in Miami as well, kind of in between all
Speaker 3: of that, so I had dated in three of the
Speaker 3: major cities. It was constantly like eating shit, having fuck boys,
Speaker 3: having the people that are wasting your time. It was
Speaker 3: one after another after another, and me constantly saying no, no,
Speaker 3: it's not me, it's everybody else. And it wasn't until
Speaker 3: my sister sat me down and was like, you are
Speaker 3: the fucking problem and I was like, wow, oh okay,
Speaker 3: Like didn't see it that way, And then starting to
Speaker 3: really do the work. I'm not broken. I just have
Speaker 3: a lot of childhood traumas I need to work through.
Speaker 3: And I started to understand how setting boundaries started to
Speaker 3: change the way I dated, how showing up differently started
Speaker 3: to manifest different people coming into my life, which ultimately
Speaker 3: led me, after five years being painfully single and those
Speaker 3: both cities, finding an amazing partner that I'm with now
Speaker 3: that I've been with for a year and a half,
Speaker 3: because when you show up differently, you start to receive differently.
Speaker 3: And that really came from personal experience and me having
Speaker 3: dated practically every kind of guy you can imagine.
Speaker 1: First of all, congrats, because what I hear people that
Speaker 1: find people after doing the work. As you say, it
Speaker 1: feels like you earned love, you didn't just find it.
Speaker 1: And there's something really beautiful about that.
Speaker 4: I love that, and I really appreciate, Sabrina, how often
Speaker 4: you take ownership over your own problems and the awareness
Speaker 4: that you have of the issues that you have to
Speaker 4: work through, because I think that's actually a pretty countercultural message.
Speaker 4: In today's society. The narratives that we hear are all
Speaker 4: about blaming other people. So is that intentional to position
Speaker 4: yourself in this way or did it just kind of
Speaker 4: happen organically.
Speaker 3: It happened organically because truthfully speaking, like that's the problem.
Speaker 3: You know, we're so focused and it's like all of
Speaker 3: these people telling you here's what to do to get
Speaker 3: a guy. Okay, so you're manipulating and gamifying this, like
Speaker 3: so you can control somebody else because you're playing like
Speaker 3: a chess game that didn't resonate with me. And for me,
Speaker 3: I went through years of not taking accountability and saying no, no,
Speaker 3: it's everybody else until I took radical acceptance of me,
Speaker 3: my actions and like even as a business owner, of course,
Speaker 3: it would be easy to say, well, my employees messed up,
Speaker 3: and they messed that up. But then I have to
Speaker 3: take ownership and say, but I'm the manager. I'm the
Speaker 3: one overseeing it. So if I drop the ball, it
Speaker 3: starts and stops with me. And what that did was
Speaker 3: it allowed me to empower myself, because when you can
Speaker 3: take full accountability and ownership of your part in it,
Speaker 3: you can take full control of your life.
Speaker 4: Asking for a friend who's working on radical self acceptance,
Speaker 4: what has been the hardest facet?
Speaker 2: What is this stutter? It was my favorite pireus.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what has been the hardest facet of your personality
Speaker 4: to accept or overcome?
Speaker 3: Truthfully, I've had the dichotomy of I'm not enough, but
Speaker 3: I'm also too much, So I'm too much because growing
Speaker 3: up my dad would I mean, you would have an
Speaker 3: emotion and he would hit you or walk out, or
Speaker 3: there was always some kind of a band in me
Speaker 3: because he could not handle emotions and now being especially
Speaker 3: in the light where people can judge you and trolls
Speaker 3: can say things those reaffirming core beliefs of see, you're
Speaker 3: too much. I knew your personality was too big. Took
Speaker 3: me this entire last year to finally stop and say, well,
Speaker 3: this is who I am. It's not like I'm saying
Speaker 3: every other word. I speak fast, I curse, I'm from
Speaker 3: New York. I'm very driven, I'm very direct, I'm very blunt.
Speaker 3: And accepting that about me meant that I no longer
Speaker 3: had to change that part about me. I could embrace
Speaker 3: it and really actually learn to love myself. And those
Speaker 3: protective parts that created me are ultimately the ones that
Speaker 3: are also helping me in my career.
Speaker 2: What is doing the work look like?
Speaker 1: Like? I feel like we can say it's therapy, but
Speaker 1: it's more than that.
Speaker 3: One hundred percent. It runs so much deeper. I think
Speaker 3: truly what doing the work is is it's kind of
Speaker 3: a myriad of things. I think it's like three major aspects.
Speaker 3: It's identifying your triggers. It's understanding yourself. It's knowing what
Speaker 3: sets you off. It's knowing who you are as a person.
Speaker 3: And what are your weaknesses as well. Then the second
Speaker 3: part of that is being able to stop intellectualizing it,
Speaker 3: Like I think the reality is it's not a lack
Speaker 3: of information. We have all the information. It's a lack
Speaker 3: of implementation. And so when we're really looking at what
Speaker 3: is doing the work means. Doing the work means being
Speaker 3: able to stop and say, what is actually my reality
Speaker 3: versus what glasses am I wearing to alter the reality.
Speaker 1: There's a version of validating your experience too that I've
Speaker 1: personally felt and I find it with a lot of
Speaker 1: my female friends. Trusting your own experience, trusting your own instincts.
Speaker 1: I think we talk ourselves out of it a lot,
Speaker 1: and so I really like that word validation.
Speaker 3: And we have to remember too, it's like it's so normal.
Speaker 3: I want to like normalize so many things. The reason
Speaker 3: that could be normal is like I grew up not
Speaker 3: being able to trust my gut. I couldn't understand because
Speaker 3: it was unsafe for me to do so. So there
Speaker 3: is a space where we can have so much compassion
Speaker 3: for people that have never been able to validate. But
Speaker 3: then we also have to have that moment of explanation
Speaker 3: or excuse you know, are we using this as an
Speaker 3: explanation to where we are and where we're going, or
Speaker 3: are we using it as well? I'm avoidant and that's
Speaker 3: me and I don't communicate. It's like, well, fucking do
Speaker 3: something about it.
Speaker 4: Work on it.
Speaker 2: So this is the bright side.
Speaker 1: And we didn't want to just focus on red flags,
Speaker 1: even though I'm very interested in those. We wanted to
Speaker 1: also talk about green flags. So what are things to
Speaker 1: look out for in a new relationship.
Speaker 3: Off the bat? Consistency and reciprocity. So those are the
Speaker 3: two things. Consistency for me, like, I have dated very
Speaker 3: extensively in New York and LA and it was literally.
Speaker 2: Like and Miami apparently all those cities.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm from Florida, so I was always back and forth,
Speaker 3: just going like from New York to Miami all the time.
Speaker 4: I feel like you should get a degree, like once
Speaker 4: you graduate from dating in one of these cities.
Speaker 3: Right, I would love that. Whereas where is my compensation
Speaker 3: for the trauma that I've exerienced?
Speaker 4: Exactly?
Speaker 3: But really, like, as far as what is consistency to me,
Speaker 3: the person I go to bed to is the person
Speaker 3: I can wake up to that I know that this
Speaker 3: is this person's the same day in and day out.
Speaker 3: Can you have mood swings? Of course you're human, But
Speaker 3: it's really knowing that when I express myself, do they
Speaker 3: make me feel seen, hurt and understood? Do I feel safe?
Speaker 3: Do I feel like, Wow, I can say anything to
Speaker 3: this person they don't judge me? Or am I scared
Speaker 3: to open up and open my mouth because I don't
Speaker 3: want to push them away? So it's really just looking
Speaker 3: at those little things.
Speaker 4: One hundred percent. That is so important. Okay, so those
Speaker 4: are the green flags, but we all know those wouldn't
Speaker 4: exist without red flags. So let's get into it. So
Speaker 4: red flags, of course things to run from in a
Speaker 4: new relationship, right, but what are the most common red
Speaker 4: flags that you tend to warn people about.
Speaker 3: When somebody calls all their exes crazy, huge red flag,
Speaker 3: it's like that beans that person's not taking any accountability
Speaker 3: or ownership. So like somebody that tells you I'm not
Speaker 3: ready for a relationship, or somebody that can't even have
Speaker 3: conversation with you, somebody that you know, maybe like hasn't
Speaker 3: processed their past. If you can't even have conversations of
Speaker 3: depth with this person because they're always trying to avoid it,
Speaker 3: somebody who won't be making consistent plans with you, somebody
Speaker 3: who only wants to text but never wants to call you.
Speaker 3: And we have to remember, a red flag doesn't mean,
Speaker 3: like truly run for the hills, but a red flag
Speaker 3: is something to start taking note of.
Speaker 4: So I want to dig into something that you just
Speaker 4: said there about some red flags are just kind of
Speaker 4: a warning sign and some you really have to listen to.
Speaker 4: So are some red flags redeemable?
Speaker 3: Yes, because we have to remember it depends on the context, right,
Speaker 3: So it's like, if there's a red flag that we
Speaker 3: see in the beginning that maybe it's just more of
Speaker 3: a trigger, you know, like if somebody says something to
Speaker 3: you and you're like, well, I don't like the way
Speaker 3: he spoke to me. To somebody else, they could say,
Speaker 3: I don't know, he didn't speak to me in any
Speaker 3: inappropriate way. Like if somebody's calling all of their exes crazy,
Speaker 3: that's not really very redeemable because if I'm going to
Speaker 3: probe a little deeper and find out that they're still
Speaker 3: not taking accountability, I'm probably not going to waste my
Speaker 3: time with this person. Versus somebody who says I just
Speaker 3: want to go slow. That might not be a red
Speaker 3: flag to somebody. To somebody, that might be because they
Speaker 3: might want to rush into something, and to someone else
Speaker 3: they might be like, wow, that's a really green flag.
Speaker 3: So I really think it also depends on the context
Speaker 3: versus some things like if you want a relationship and
Speaker 3: this person doesn't, or I'll say one that I find
Speaker 3: to be a huge red flag when you're intimate with
Speaker 3: someone and they refuse to you protection for your first time.
Speaker 3: That's a huge red flag for me because it's just
Speaker 3: you're not taking care of my life, You're not taking
Speaker 3: care of your life, and you just want to be
Speaker 3: willy nilly Like that doesn't work for me. So there's
Speaker 3: little things where I'm like, Okay, if you're going to
Speaker 3: do this with me and you just met me, what
Speaker 3: do you do with everybody else? Like that's safety that
Speaker 3: I'm not. I don't really love that.
Speaker 4: That's a medical emergency. That's not a red flag.
Speaker 2: Skiz right, Skez, Right's easy.
Speaker 1: What do you think the best way is to get
Speaker 1: to know somebody?
Speaker 2: Nowadays?
Speaker 1: Like with all the technology we have, sometimes I feel
Speaker 1: like it's better if we just wind it all backwards.
Speaker 3: To me strip the phones. The phones are just there
Speaker 3: to make a quick plan, check in how you doing,
Speaker 3: But the phone is not the connection point. The texting
Speaker 3: and dating was something I think that made me put
Speaker 3: me on the map because I was saying things people
Speaker 3: weren't saying, and that is, you don't need to text
Speaker 3: every day and so not when you first met somebody.
Speaker 3: If I just met you two days ago, why do
Speaker 3: you need to be part of my day to day life.
Speaker 3: Nowadays we're looking at this hunk of metal saying, well,
Speaker 3: he didn't text me every day. That means he doesn't
Speaker 3: like me. We're making so many assumptions as opposed to
Speaker 3: how are they showing up? Are you spending time together
Speaker 3: when you're with them? Are they consistent? Do they listen
Speaker 3: to you? Did they ask you questions? Are they making
Speaker 3: consistent plans? Are you seeing this person? Are you having
Speaker 3: conflict and resolve? That is how you build a relationship.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 4: Should we talk about apps for a little bit. So
Speaker 4: you met your man, you call him tech guy on hinge?
Speaker 4: What's your advice for people who want to get off
Speaker 4: the apps? Because I've been married for eighty two years
Speaker 4: and all of my friends who are single always are
Speaker 4: telling me how terrible the apps are, So like, how
Speaker 4: do we get people off the apps and into the
Speaker 4: loves that they want to find?
Speaker 3: Great question I think when it comes to the apps,
Speaker 3: like and I was one of those people that I
Speaker 3: was like, EPs are sore the worst. I needed to
Speaker 3: be a better buyer. So it's like there's a twofold one.
Speaker 3: It's about how are you selling yourself? Essentially, like this
Speaker 3: is your resume, right, so it's like, how are you
Speaker 3: presenting yourself? But at the very baseline, do they have
Speaker 3: anything on their profile of depth? Do they have prompts?
Speaker 3: Are their prompts one word answers? So it's like how
Speaker 3: long are they charting with you on the apps? How
Speaker 3: long does it take for them to try to make
Speaker 3: a plan with you? Those are the little things that
Speaker 3: I mean by being a better buyer. So if you
Speaker 3: have somebody that's keeping you on the app for three
Speaker 3: four weeks, texting you every single day, you're wasting your time.
Speaker 3: That person's clearly not intentional with the way that they're dating.
Speaker 3: You got to know you're non negotiables, your boundaries list,
Speaker 3: you have to be very clear. The biggest thing about this.
Speaker 3: You have to be okay walking away from people that
Speaker 3: don't match that.
Speaker 2: Okay, wait, we have listener questions.
Speaker 1: We want to give you some specific scenarios and get
Speaker 1: your take on them. The first one is do I
Speaker 1: have to pretend to take out my credit card and
Speaker 1: offer to pay on the first date.
Speaker 3: If they asked me on the date? I don't do
Speaker 3: that anymore because if you asked me to be there, Listen,
Speaker 3: my time is valuable. I wasn't going to do this date.
Speaker 3: So what I'll usually do is, whoever asked me on
Speaker 3: the date, I'm not doing the credit card reach. I'll
Speaker 3: usually just sit there and if they pull out their
Speaker 3: credit card, I'll say, well, thank you so much. I
Speaker 3: really appreciate that.
Speaker 2: But what if you intend on never seeing them again?
Speaker 3: I still think same rules apply. Listen, just because I'm
Speaker 3: on the date doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to want to
Speaker 3: see you again. But the same thing if I invite
Speaker 3: a guy on a date, I would be prepared, Like
Speaker 3: if I say, come meet me for a coffee. If
Speaker 3: I go up and order the coffee, I'm happy to
Speaker 3: pay for the coffee, so I look at it as
Speaker 3: the them paying for you. Doesn't mean that you owe
Speaker 3: them anything. So just because you don't want to see
Speaker 3: them again doesn't still mean that they didn't invite you
Speaker 3: out to dinner and that you said yes, you spent
Speaker 3: your time to go there, it just didn't work.
Speaker 2: See.
Speaker 1: I always feel like if I don't offer to pay
Speaker 1: and if I don't ever intend on seeing them again, A,
Speaker 1: I feel bad, but B I feel like it is
Speaker 1: a trade like I sometimes offer to pay even if
Speaker 1: I like somebody, because I'm like, I'm not trying.
Speaker 2: To trade like a makeout for a dinner.
Speaker 4: You know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know what you mean. And I think it's
Speaker 3: there's an element of being there to receive. You know,
Speaker 3: we talk all of this dynamics of feminine masculine. I
Speaker 3: don't like to do that. What I do like to
Speaker 3: look at is how can I be in a space
Speaker 3: where I feel comfortable to receive from somebody? So just
Speaker 3: because I don't like you, or just because I don't
Speaker 3: feel like I owe you anything, doesn't still mean that
Speaker 3: my time wasn't valuable and that again you asked me
Speaker 3: to be here and I'm here now. Listen, you want
Speaker 3: to split the check?
Speaker 1: Split it?
Speaker 3: Who cares? I've done that before, I've pulled out the card.
Speaker 3: But the reality is sometimes when they say yes, you're like,
Speaker 3: you can give you the current. I was just doing
Speaker 3: it to be polite, and you're like grudgingly putting it down.
Speaker 3: So I think it's if it's all thin. Like there's
Speaker 3: some women that are like, I don't want a man
Speaker 3: to pay for me. Great, then you hold that ground.
Speaker 3: You do what feels right for you. And if you're
Speaker 3: like I don't want you have to owe you anything,
Speaker 3: you pay. But I don't think it needs to be
Speaker 3: an expectation that the woman has to split the first date.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna be honest. I had a fantastic first date
Speaker 4: with my husband and it was the stuff that dreams
Speaker 4: are made of. And then the second date, it was
Speaker 4: a day date, but he asked me to go Dutch
Speaker 4: and I was like, what in the broke ass artist
Speaker 4: is this? Because he was a struggling screenwriter at the time,
Speaker 4: I was like, what is going on? But I got
Speaker 4: over it, so you know, I was flexible.
Speaker 2: Did you split the check?
Speaker 4: We did, because I'm I felt awkward and I was like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 4: sure I'll split the check, but.
Speaker 3: You can't say no, no, it's like yeah, It's like
Speaker 3: if you're saying no, you're like I may never see
Speaker 3: this person again. And I like my partner and I
Speaker 3: we like the first couple of dates he paid, and
Speaker 3: then it became a thing of like, I don't need
Speaker 3: someone to take care of me. I'm a woman, I
Speaker 3: can I can pay my own way. So sometimes it's
Speaker 3: I get dinner, you get dinner. I get it, you
Speaker 3: get It doesn't have to be like I had an
Speaker 3: ex that would go down the receipt and split what
Speaker 3: you bought at the grocery store. That's a whole nother
Speaker 3: level of no, thank you. But if somebody's being honest
Speaker 3: of like I'm a struggling screenwriter, I'm sorry, I just like,
Speaker 3: can we split this?
Speaker 4: You know what?
Speaker 3: How do you show up for me in other ways
Speaker 3: besides paying for me? Because it's that life is free.
Speaker 3: Nothing in life is free. I would see it differently
Speaker 3: because like, my partner's not necessarily the most generous with money,
Speaker 3: but boy is he generous with love. But I think
Speaker 3: it also depends on like very much like he's he
Speaker 3: is frugal. He's just the type of person he saves
Speaker 3: a lot of money. He's not the type. He's not
Speaker 3: going to splurge, and he doesn't do that. But I've
Speaker 3: never had somebody so supportive because he shows it with
Speaker 3: acts of service. Acts of service is his love language,
Speaker 3: not gift giving and not spending money. Spending money is
Speaker 3: actually quite easy. I can just easily take out my
Speaker 3: credit card and go up. I've got her, But how
Speaker 3: do I show up for her? That way is so
Speaker 3: much more important to me because we're a partnership. I'm
Speaker 3: looking for a partner, not a project. And that also
Speaker 3: means that it might come with some eighty twenty. It
Speaker 3: might mean that this person doesn't necessarily financially splurge, But
Speaker 3: how else are they showing that that satisfied my needs?
Speaker 4: Okay, we are going to get into some more or
Speaker 4: lessener questions. Here's one. Let's say someone sounds perfect on paper,
Speaker 4: but for whatever reason, it's just still not clicking. I
Speaker 4: can't get there. Should you keep pursuing them because it's
Speaker 4: supposed to be a good fit.
Speaker 3: My one thing I'll say about that, I get that
Speaker 3: all the time. And here's the one determining factor. Do
Speaker 3: you even want to be intimate or physical with this person?
Speaker 1: For me.
Speaker 3: I was so anxious and I had so much anxiety.
Speaker 3: I wasn't ready for the perfect on paper guy, the
Speaker 3: guy that was all those things I said I wanted
Speaker 3: because I couldn't receive that. So if it's a matter
Speaker 3: of man, this guy's really amazing, he's awesome, he's everything,
Speaker 3: I'm not feeling it, It's like, well, what aren't you feeling?
Speaker 3: Are you looking for a feeling? Because if you're chasing
Speaker 3: the feeling, then you're just going to constantly be chasing versus.
Speaker 3: When this guy touches me, I move out of the
Speaker 3: way because I'm physically not even remotely interested in him.
Speaker 3: Two very different experiences, and that's why I'm like, we
Speaker 3: don't have to sleep with the person, but even just
Speaker 3: at dinner, let them touch your arm, touch their leg,
Speaker 3: do some kind of physical touch to see how you
Speaker 3: feel my partner, I kept touching his leg and I
Speaker 3: liked it. When we first met, I wasn't cuckookachew. But
Speaker 3: it wasn't until he kissed me where I was like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, because honestly, I hated the way he
Speaker 3: dressed and I hated his car. So I had my ix.
Speaker 3: Oh oh, I pulled on I was like, I'm such
Speaker 3: a fickle bitch. I was like, this is not for me.
Speaker 3: But it wasn't until when he kissed me. I remember
Speaker 3: being like, whoa, where is this coming from? And that's
Speaker 3: what I pursued.
Speaker 2: That is fabby.
Speaker 1: Okay, you talk a lot about box theory, which, for
Speaker 1: anyone who doesn't know, it's basically the idea that when
Speaker 1: a guy meets a woman that he immediately puts her
Speaker 1: in a box and that box never changes. So the
Speaker 1: boxes are a woman you hook up with, a woman
Speaker 1: you can date, or a woman that you just want
Speaker 1: to be friends with.
Speaker 3: What are your thoughts on box theory. I don't believe
Speaker 3: in the box theory personally, I either.
Speaker 4: I do think guys I do get into it.
Speaker 3: Well, let's get into it, because I think what it
Speaker 3: is it's an incredibly shallow way of looking at things.
Speaker 3: Not that your shallow, so please, I want to just
Speaker 3: clear it. Like this to me, I hope to upt
Speaker 3: them on the first and I asked him, I'm like,
Speaker 3: what did you think of me?
Speaker 2: After?
Speaker 3: He was like, I knew that I wanted to sleep
Speaker 3: with you. Again, he was like, I didn't know I
Speaker 3: wanted to date you. He was like, I didn't know you.
Speaker 3: How was I supposed to know in the first twenty
Speaker 3: minutes of meeting you that I would want to be
Speaker 3: in a relationship. Because I think the box theory's implication
Speaker 3: is that once you're in that box, you don't get out. Now,
Speaker 3: what we're overlooking here is why are we We're giving
Speaker 3: so much credence, but yet we're not looking at is
Speaker 3: what was that person's intentions? Because if that person came
Speaker 3: to you with the intentions of I don't want a relationship,
Speaker 3: I don't care if you're the Queen of Sheheba, if
Speaker 3: you're a gold statue brought from the God's above, you're
Speaker 3: not going to change somebody else. So once they put
Speaker 3: you in that box, the reason you're not out of
Speaker 3: it isn't because of you and who you are. It's
Speaker 3: because of their intentions with you. So I think it
Speaker 3: allows too many people to say, oh, well, if it
Speaker 3: didn't happen immediately, or if this guy puts me in
Speaker 3: that bucket, and it's like, it's more about just what
Speaker 3: are their intentions? Does that person even want a relationship?
Speaker 3: And if they don't want one, then it doesn't matter
Speaker 3: what you do you're not getting out of that box
Speaker 3: because they don't want that.
Speaker 4: Sabrina, thank you so much for these dating diamonds. My goodness.
Speaker 4: When we come back, we're going to see how well
Speaker 4: Danielle and I can identify red and green flag situations.
Speaker 4: We're going to be checking our red flag radar.
Speaker 5: Uh oh, I.
Speaker 4: Don't think mine's good. Okay, we are in the hot
Speaker 4: seat now because it's time for a game of red,
Speaker 4: green or in between with dating Coach Sabrina Zohar, Danielle,
Speaker 4: Are you ready? No, I'm not ready either. I feel
Speaker 4: totally unprepared.
Speaker 2: Here are the rules.
Speaker 1: Sabrina has some dating situations on hand, and Simone and
Speaker 1: I are gonna have to guess whether the scenario is
Speaker 1: a red, green or in between flag. Okay, Sabrina, I'm
Speaker 1: a little nervous, but let's get into it.
Speaker 3: Okay, are you ready? So first one friendly with an X.
Speaker 4: I think it's a red.
Speaker 2: I think in between depends on the scenario.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, in between is actually better, but I'll go threat.
Speaker 4: I'll go with my instincts.
Speaker 3: I'm going in between because it depends on are their
Speaker 3: kids involved? Is there? Like, what's the context? Do they
Speaker 3: have a business, a kid, a dog, or is this
Speaker 3: just that them and their ex have never like they
Speaker 3: never cut the umbilical cord. So I think it depends
Speaker 3: on connent. So the flip side trashes their ex, Oh,
Speaker 3: that's a red flag.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna say red flag too.
Speaker 1: I have an ex that I would like to trash,
Speaker 1: but I specifically don't do it because I don't want
Speaker 1: to be a red flag girl.
Speaker 4: It's kind of like anybody who trashes their workplace or
Speaker 4: their ex boss, Like, that's also a red flag too,
Speaker 4: you know, whenever they're interviewing for a job or something.
Speaker 3: Like if I'm going to talk about my ex and
Speaker 3: be like they were narcissistic, I was unhealthy and it
Speaker 3: was a toxic relationship, it's very different to start attacking
Speaker 3: them as a person. At that point, we run as
Speaker 3: fast as we can. So, okay, calling their mom multiple
Speaker 3: times every day.
Speaker 4: Green green all the way as a boy, mom green
Speaker 4: red flag for me multiple times to day, Right.
Speaker 1: Man, I have dated loves their mom a little too much,
Speaker 1: Like you have to love your mom.
Speaker 2: You don't have to. I would love if you loved
Speaker 2: your mom, but you most.
Speaker 4: Of the times the day is a lot Sabrina, do
Speaker 4: you have kids.
Speaker 3: I don't, but I used to call my mom multiple
Speaker 3: times a day, so I'm with you. But being in
Speaker 3: a relationship now, I understood that had to get low.
Speaker 3: You know, I wasn't able to call my mom every
Speaker 3: ten times a day. But I think it also depends.
Speaker 3: Are you calling your mother because you don't how to
Speaker 3: work the washing machine and you're dependent by her because
Speaker 3: you can't function, or are you calling her because you
Speaker 3: just really love talking to your mom and something exciting
Speaker 3: happened and you wanted to share it with her. Those
Speaker 3: are two experiences that are different exactly.
Speaker 4: I can't give you an objective opinion on this one.
Speaker 3: You're a boy mom.
Speaker 4: I'm a boy mom all the way. Yeah, that I
Speaker 4: totally get.
Speaker 3: Okay, next one, showering you with affection and attention early on.
Speaker 2: I'm such a sucker for being chased. I love it,
Speaker 2: but I know it's a red flag.
Speaker 3: I'm going to say in between, some of these are
Speaker 3: really context dependent. For me, it just feels like a
Speaker 3: red flag because when somebody comes on really strong, they're
Speaker 3: chasing a feeling, not you. They don't know you, so
Speaker 3: it's really hard for someone to be love momming so
Speaker 3: all over you, because it's either they're manipulating you or
Speaker 3: they're super insecure and they just want to make sure
Speaker 3: you're not going to leave them. Neither of those are
Speaker 3: really coming from a healthy and secure place. So okay,
Speaker 3: eating the last sights of pizza?
Speaker 2: I love this question.
Speaker 4: That's a red flag.
Speaker 2: As a Midwest girl, it is a red flag.
Speaker 4: Says a lot about selfishness, about caring for the other person.
Speaker 5: I think that.
Speaker 2: Manners you just don't do that in the Midwest.
Speaker 3: I'm going to say neutral only in the sense because
Speaker 3: as a girl who lives for pizza, I go after
Speaker 3: what I want.
Speaker 2: But I will as you're a New Yorker, So.
Speaker 3: But I will say I think the reason becomes a
Speaker 3: red flag is communicate. Hey, do you want the life slaves?
Speaker 3: Do you want to split it? Versus? When I'm at
Speaker 3: dinner and somebody just takes it, You're like, well, how
Speaker 3: did you know? I didn't want that? So I'm with
Speaker 3: you on that being the red flag. All right, maintaining
Speaker 3: independence in a relationship. They won't cancel plans for you so.
Speaker 4: Hot, right, Sorry, say that again?
Speaker 5: Say that again.
Speaker 3: So maintaining their independence in the relationship, meaning like they
Speaker 3: won't just cancel a plan. So like if they have
Speaker 3: a boys night, they're not just going to cancel boys
Speaker 3: night because you say you want to do something.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I'm going to go in between on
Speaker 4: that one, just in case. If there's something that really
Speaker 4: means a lot to me and I'm like, I really
Speaker 4: want to have you there, then I would expect them
Speaker 4: to move their plans around. But in general, yes, preserve
Speaker 4: your own identity with a little flexibility.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm with you exactly.
Speaker 3: I think the exactly the rigidity is not what we're
Speaker 3: looking for, but we're looking for. Hey, but this means
Speaker 3: a lot to me. Okay, of course I'll be there.
Speaker 3: Versus Babe, I have tickets to a concert. I'm not
Speaker 3: going to cancel that just because you want to go
Speaker 3: to a movie tonight. Like, yeah, yes, because boundaries are
Speaker 3: so hot. Having a disagreement or some issues early in dating.
Speaker 1: Prefer it, love it, want to get it out of
Speaker 1: the way and talk about it.
Speaker 3: I agree with it.
Speaker 4: I think I think it's an in between. I think
Speaker 4: it depends on how big the disagreements are and also
Speaker 4: how you resolve them. At the end of the day.
Speaker 4: That's more important, right, one hundred percent.
Speaker 3: The conflict isn't the problem, it's the repair. But it's like,
Speaker 3: is this a constant problem?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: The same problem? Is it a repeated problem? Or is
Speaker 3: it just you're learning each other. You have some conflict,
Speaker 3: but then you repair it and you grow closer. That's
Speaker 3: a beautiful part.
Speaker 1: I have a quick question for you. I have a
Speaker 1: really good girlfriend who was going on a date with
Speaker 1: a guy. He called her to plan the date and
Speaker 1: he said, Okay, let's meet at this restaurant and she said,
Speaker 1: I don't like that restaurant. Can we go to X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z? And they got into a fight on
Speaker 1: the phone before they even went out on the date.
Speaker 1: And I was like, you can't go on the date
Speaker 1: you got.
Speaker 2: You got to end it. And she was like, no,
Speaker 2: I don't mind a little conflict. And I was like,
Speaker 2: I don't think this is good.
Speaker 3: There's a difference between conflict and arguing. It's like if
Speaker 3: you're just fine, it's it's the same thing of like
Speaker 3: cursing at somebody. It's like I can curse in a
Speaker 3: sentence I'm really freaking annoyed. Is very different than you
Speaker 3: are a piece of shit. It's like, there's a way
Speaker 3: that you talk to somebody, but if I will agree
Speaker 3: with you anytime, let you get into a fight before
Speaker 3: you've even had the days you're like, this is not
Speaker 3: a good omen. This is not a good omen. Red
Speaker 3: flag or grand flag. Text you good morning every single.
Speaker 2: Day, the exact words good.
Speaker 3: Morning, those good morning text.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like a good morning, But in between I
Speaker 1: think it's preference red flag.
Speaker 4: I'm you're gonna lose me.
Speaker 3: Early in dating, it's a red flag obviously when you're
Speaker 3: in a relationship, of course, like you want to text
Speaker 3: your part hey, you know, how's your day. But if
Speaker 3: you just met somebody or you had one date and
Speaker 3: already you're getting good morning, it's like, no, you're not
Speaker 3: part of my day to day life nor day.
Speaker 1: I also hate when people are like good morning, beautiful
Speaker 1: or hello babe.
Speaker 2: It's like no, no, no, we met once, no pet names.
Speaker 4: Can I be honest. It's giving f boy energy to me,
Speaker 4: like the good morning, yes, good morning, good morning. Like
Speaker 4: you know, I think this is the international f boy symbol, right.
Speaker 1: Simonis grabbing her hands together for everybody to assimilate.
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent, because it really because at the
Speaker 3: end of the day, you can schedule a good morning text.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Sabrina, how did we do?
Speaker 3: I think you guys did a great job. Personally, I
Speaker 3: think you did. I think you guys had some really
Speaker 3: good reasons for why, and so I am very proud
Speaker 3: of my girls.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for joining us today. Sabrina.
Speaker 3: Of course, thank you guys so much. It was such
Speaker 3: a pleasure, and I'm just I can't wait for the.
Speaker 4: Next Sabrina Zohar is the host of the podcast Do
Speaker 4: the Work. You can also find her on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 1: Now, before we go, we want to leave you all
Speaker 1: with a bright side spark from our conversation with Sabrina Zohar,
Speaker 1: and that's this idea of leaning into radical self acceptance.
Speaker 1: Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations that are
Speaker 1: outside of our contry role without judging them. So radical
Speaker 1: self acceptance is about not judging yourself just as you
Speaker 1: are perfectly imperfect.
Speaker 4: Tomorrow on the show, we're talking with creative director, writer
Speaker 4: and founder of the Instagram account Glorious Broad's Mary Jane Fahe.
Speaker 2: We're excited for that.
Speaker 1: Listen and follow the bright side on the iHeartRadio, app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can
Speaker 1: find me at Danielle Robe, rob a Y on TikTok
Speaker 1: and Instagram, and.
Speaker 4: Me Simone Boice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone Voice.
Speaker 1: We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode of
Speaker 1: the bright Side