Speaker 1: No matter what you were put into, the belief that
Speaker 1: it's meant to be and what you do with it
Speaker 1: is yours. You can do anything with your life story.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the one you feed Throughout time. Great thinkers
Speaker 1: have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes
Speaker 1: like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you
Speaker 1: think ring true, and yet for many of us, our
Speaker 1: thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity,
Speaker 1: self pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't
Speaker 1: have instead of what we do. We think things that
Speaker 1: hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not
Speaker 1: just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent,
Speaker 1: and creative effort to make a life worth living. This
Speaker 1: podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in
Speaker 1: the right direction, how they feed their good wolf m
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. Our guest on this episode is
Speaker 1: Lauren Xander, a life coach, university lecturer, public speaker, and
Speaker 1: co founder and chairwoman of the Handel Group. Her book
Speaker 1: is Maybe It's You Cut the crap, face your fears,
Speaker 1: Love your Life. Hi Lauren, Welcome to the show. Thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. It is a pleasure to have
Speaker 1: you on. Your book is called Maybe It's You Cut
Speaker 1: the crap, face, your fears, love your life, and in
Speaker 1: it you sort of lay out your coaching method that
Speaker 1: you've used for years and years and years with people.
Speaker 1: So we're going to get into a lot of detail
Speaker 1: about that in a moment, but let's start like we
Speaker 1: always do, with the parable. There is a grandmother who's
Speaker 1: talking to her grants and she says, in life, there
Speaker 1: are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle.
Speaker 1: One is a good wolf, which represents things like bravery
Speaker 1: and kindness and love, and the other is a bad wolf,
Speaker 1: which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And
Speaker 1: the grandson stops, thinks about it for a second, and
Speaker 1: then he looks up with his grandfather, said, well, grandfather,
Speaker 1: which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed.
Speaker 1: So I'd like to start off by asking you what
Speaker 1: that parable means to you in your life and in
Speaker 1: the work that you do. Wow. Well, I would say
Speaker 1: that the work that I do addresses dark and light,
Speaker 1: like your dark side and your life side. And I
Speaker 1: would say that I get along with that parable very
Speaker 1: well because I support people in the concept of choice,
Speaker 1: and so that whole entire parable is about the choice
Speaker 1: of what you feed. And so I think that's um.
Speaker 1: And then I obviously in my work help people, UM
Speaker 1: pick light not dark, so I would go dark, you know,
Speaker 1: bad good and really making those decisions consciously. So I
Speaker 1: love that. Yeah, yeah, no, you're exactly right. That is
Speaker 1: the heart of the whole thing. So let's start with
Speaker 1: the title, maybe it's you. Tell me about why you
Speaker 1: titled your book maybe it's you. And again there's a
Speaker 1: there's a subtitle, but let's just stick with the main title.
Speaker 1: So that is a tagline, and it's you know, maybe
Speaker 1: it's me. Right, So and that tagline changed my life
Speaker 1: every time and always does anything that's not working, and
Speaker 1: it's my life. The joke I make is, uh, maybe
Speaker 1: it's me and and then and then when I get it,
Speaker 1: I cross out the maybe, right. And so it's been
Speaker 1: this joke of the entire method, like that's the that
Speaker 1: principle built the whole method right for all of us, right,
Speaker 1: And then doesn't make anybody really you know, better than anybody.
Speaker 1: It just it's like, how well can you confront that
Speaker 1: anything that's going on in your life is because of you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I mean I love that idea that you know,
Speaker 1: maybe it's you and then you cross out the maybe, right.
Speaker 1: I think that my first experience of that was I
Speaker 1: got sober from a heroin addiction at twenty four, and
Speaker 1: you know, it just became so clear that like it
Speaker 1: was all me, And that principle has served me so
Speaker 1: well in my life. And I think it's so critical
Speaker 1: to anybody who wants to make a change, even if
Speaker 1: like what you're dealing with is that you were really
Speaker 1: harmed in a bad way, if you were abused, or
Speaker 1: you you know, have trauma, at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: it's still us that has to be responsible for our
Speaker 1: own healing. And if we don't do it, nobody does. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, you could say in a good conscience,
Speaker 1: like I don't really think I picked my parents right,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know if I was really there right,
Speaker 1: Like who was that are at the picking right? And
Speaker 1: where I was born and you know, and what my
Speaker 1: circumstances into life were that I was just basically forced
Speaker 1: into and so but no matter what you were put into,
Speaker 1: the belief that it's meant to be and what you
Speaker 1: do with it is yours. You can do anything with
Speaker 1: your life story. And I'm sorry you know of whatever
Speaker 1: you may have been born into. No, you know it's
Speaker 1: pretty much a ship show, right. A lot of this
Speaker 1: world needs a lot of work, and so we are
Speaker 1: the workers, right, and so heading right into maybe it's
Speaker 1: me and you dealing with nobody's getting you out of
Speaker 1: here except you. And by the way, you got yourself here,
Speaker 1: you really did right, no matter who you're pointing at
Speaker 1: or what drug you're pointing at, right, that was that
Speaker 1: was your hand, right right right, yep. And so you say,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna read something you wrote because I like it.
Speaker 1: You say, the gap between who you are, your current state,
Speaker 1: and the dream of who you want to be and
Speaker 1: all that you want to accomplish your desired state is wide.
Speaker 1: It's width depends on how willing you are to get
Speaker 1: conscious about what you are currently not conscious. Tell me
Speaker 1: a little bit more about what you're trying to say.
Speaker 1: It's kind of obvious, but I'd like you just to,
Speaker 1: you know, elaborate a little bit. The premise goes right
Speaker 1: after that, what you're saying to yourself and how you're
Speaker 1: relating to absolutely everything in your life, and if is
Speaker 1: the only access to building a life. But if you
Speaker 1: can't face what's right there, right now and how you're
Speaker 1: talking about everything, men, women, business, money, sex, drugs, rock
Speaker 1: and roll, like, whatever you're saying and how you're saying
Speaker 1: it and how you're thinking about it, if you can't
Speaker 1: hear it all, you can't replace any of it, right,
Speaker 1: if you really think it's out there, it's not even happening.
Speaker 1: You don't even know it's you, right, So the the
Speaker 1: amount that's possible to dream and build has to start
Speaker 1: with where you are right now, right, and wherever you
Speaker 1: are right now. Oh, you may or may not be
Speaker 1: a present to it, but as president as you're willing
Speaker 1: to get is the only way to take it over. Right.
Speaker 1: And we're going to get into inner dialogue a lot
Speaker 1: here in a moment, because it's kind of the whole game, right,
Speaker 1: and that an actually it gets you in the whole game, right. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: But I'd like to start off by having you tell
Speaker 1: us the story about how you sort of had your
Speaker 1: first sort of big change. You know, it's a story
Speaker 1: about about birds. But I was wondering if you could
Speaker 1: tell us that story, So I did an epic thing,
Speaker 1: which is I saved a bunch of money and I
Speaker 1: traveled alone, and I had never been alone. I was
Speaker 1: nineteen years so I've never been alone, right, with no plan,
Speaker 1: no have to go, and not that much money and
Speaker 1: a backpack and I went and stayed at a kabblitz
Speaker 1: in Israel and basically no one new English. So I
Speaker 1: was really alone, which was really healthy for me at
Speaker 1: that time, because I got utterly stuck with myself and
Speaker 1: my and like I had like five tape cassettes. Yes
Speaker 1: they were tape cassettes. People, I'm that old, and and
Speaker 1: I just had my time and I read books and
Speaker 1: I had to deal with myself. And then I had
Speaker 1: this epic, real interesting moment. And I was going very
Speaker 1: spiritual at that time. I haven't come back, like, I'm
Speaker 1: still out there on the spirituality lane. But this is
Speaker 1: when it started deeply for me. It was around this story.
Speaker 1: Um so a little voice in my head said, look
Speaker 1: in the bushes. Now, you have to understand all I
Speaker 1: had was my own entertainment system, right like, So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: look in the bushes, right Like who said that? And
Speaker 1: I even giggled to myself, like who said that look
Speaker 1: in the bushes and they're literally literally there are two
Speaker 1: little baby birds, like and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: save the birds, right, Like what do I do? What
Speaker 1: do I do? Like they're two little baby birds, they
Speaker 1: have their feathers, but they can't get anywhere, and there's
Speaker 1: no nast there's no mom, like what the hell is
Speaker 1: going on here? And so I panic and I was
Speaker 1: working in the kitchen at the Cabbutz and I run
Speaker 1: back and then there weren't many people who knew English anyway.
Speaker 1: So the one guy that did know English, oddly enough,
Speaker 1: was someone that I was, you know, like I wasn't
Speaker 1: really a coach at all yet, but I knew his
Speaker 1: whole life story. And he was in an affair for
Speaker 1: eleven years and wasn't changing his life, and we used
Speaker 1: to fight about him not going after anything. And so
Speaker 1: I run up to him and I'm like, there's two
Speaker 1: and I try to explain it to him and go
Speaker 1: what should I do? And he's like looks at me
Speaker 1: like like me right, you pain in the ass, Lauren, Right,
Speaker 1: same as it ever was, you know, leave them alone.
Speaker 1: It's nature, right, like just leave it? Like why do
Speaker 1: you have to fix this, and I'm like, right, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe he's right. I don't know what to do anyway,
Speaker 1: and it was CS dettempt, so I'm like going to
Speaker 1: take a nap. I couldn't sleep as many of you
Speaker 1: could have, Bradrick. So I run back to save the
Speaker 1: birds because I'd rather save them or do something. And
Speaker 1: I came back. One was gone, one was dead, right,
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I was really devastated and moved
Speaker 1: and upset and kind of like in my head and
Speaker 1: made a vow that that, wow, I could have saved
Speaker 1: them or done something, like I gave up my moment,
Speaker 1: like that was my moment. I could have done something.
Speaker 1: And I went and checked with someone else, and I
Speaker 1: didn't check with someone I even respect, right, and he
Speaker 1: gave me the wrong advice. So in that moment, I
Speaker 1: swore that for the rest of my life, if I
Speaker 1: could do something, I will like I will. That's the
Speaker 1: point of being human is I could have changed that. Right.
Speaker 1: What a gift? What a wow? You asked for a
Speaker 1: long story. I know I did. I did. It's a
Speaker 1: good story. It's a great story. Um. And then I
Speaker 1: literally I took that literally, and um, I went back
Speaker 1: into my life and changed my entire life out of
Speaker 1: that story because there was so many things I was witnessing,
Speaker 1: like girlfriends cheating on boyfriends and things not being said
Speaker 1: and people surviving being liars all around me, and it
Speaker 1: just made sense to me before the trip. And then
Speaker 1: when I got home, I was like, this is not okay,
Speaker 1: none of it and I became a little bit of
Speaker 1: a crazy evangelist blowing ship up, which I don't recommend.
Speaker 1: I've come a long way since my nineteen year old self,
Speaker 1: but it was epic and it was very meaningful and
Speaker 1: spiritual to me. There's nothing like the zeal of a
Speaker 1: person who has found a path that helps them that
Speaker 1: I can relate. I can relate. And incidentally, as you
Speaker 1: and I talked about before we started, we are the
Speaker 1: same age. So I'm very familiar with cassette tapes and
Speaker 1: had a lot of them. I want to read another
Speaker 1: short thing you said. It's going to lead us into
Speaker 1: another big part of the conversation. You say, much of
Speaker 1: whatever is plague in a person is located in their
Speaker 1: inner dialogue. So so let's talk briefly about that, and
Speaker 1: then I kind of want to talk about three of
Speaker 1: the voices in our inner dialogue that you have identified,
Speaker 1: so the plague and our inner dialogue. So there is
Speaker 1: exactly how a person talks to themselves, look at looks
Speaker 1: out in the world, sees the world, cares about, what
Speaker 1: they care about, what people think about them, what they
Speaker 1: can say, what they can't say, what they're trying to
Speaker 1: get how they're So there's a strategist in that head
Speaker 1: of yours. And that's what I go after throughout my
Speaker 1: entire book. And I really just I'm trying to take over,
Speaker 1: like I'm getting a human to wake up to their
Speaker 1: inner dialogue and how much their inner dialogue they think
Speaker 1: is the truth about them, right right, they think it
Speaker 1: is them. You would never not wonder about what it's saying,
Speaker 1: and most people don't even really hear it let alone.
Speaker 1: If you had to admit what it just said, you'd
Speaker 1: be horrified, right Like, you would not go public with
Speaker 1: your inner dialogue, right, and then you would have. And
Speaker 1: then that's where I start at, waking you up to
Speaker 1: what where did those voices come from? Why are you
Speaker 1: even looking out at women that way, at life that
Speaker 1: way and yourself that way? Like that's the beginning of
Speaker 1: untangling what people aren't conscious to even though it's utterly
Speaker 1: happening every second, right, right, It's amazing that it can
Speaker 1: be happening all the time and we can be so
Speaker 1: identified with it and at the same time not really
Speaker 1: hear it or be conscious of it. It's this very
Speaker 1: strange phenomenon that happens, you know, because and what's happening
Speaker 1: is by not by not hearing it and knowing what
Speaker 1: it's saying, it's still affecting us, you know. I think
Speaker 1: for me that was a pivotal moment in life when
Speaker 1: when I all of a sudden went, wait a second.
Speaker 1: That voice that's always talking that I assume is me
Speaker 1: is just a voice that's always talking, and it's not
Speaker 1: necessarily true, and it's not necessarily me. And that that
Speaker 1: alone is such a huge revelation, because all of a
Speaker 1: sudden you go wow, and then we start looking at like, well, boy,
Speaker 1: it just never shuts up, and it says the same
Speaker 1: boring and stupid and negative things times. According to science,
Speaker 1: for real, over of our thoughts are negative and repeat
Speaker 1: from the day before, like we're not having new thoughts.
Speaker 1: We don't even know that we are repeating, like we're like, God,
Speaker 1: these people suck when you drive, or God that is
Speaker 1: always this way? Or God like did you know my wife?
Speaker 1: My that Like you really think you're discovering the same
Speaker 1: thing every day versus you're paying attention and repeating yourself
Speaker 1: to yourself every day. Yeah. I like to joke like,
Speaker 1: if I had a friend who was is boring, repetitive
Speaker 1: and negative is the voice in my head, we would
Speaker 1: hang out exactly one time and that would be it.
Speaker 1: I would be like never again. Right, I overstand, Yes,
Speaker 1: I can overstand. I like that you identify a few
Speaker 1: voices in our head, and I'm just gonna read with
Speaker 1: the three of them are that you identify, and then
Speaker 1: we can talk about them. You talk about the chicken,
Speaker 1: the brat, and the weather reporter. So let's let's start
Speaker 1: with the chicken. One of my most favorite things, which
Speaker 1: is the only way to truly identify your inner dialogue,
Speaker 1: is to get a sense of humor. Really need a
Speaker 1: sense of humor because going in is really fun like
Speaker 1: yucky and ugly and funny and twisted. And you really
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that out loud, right, Like you really wouldn't, right,
Speaker 1: but you do to yourself, right, and then you turn
Speaker 1: it out and you don't even hear it right, So
Speaker 1: going in there you need a sense of humor, and
Speaker 1: so for me, I did, and it really works on
Speaker 1: all of us, which is the voice of the chicken
Speaker 1: is how you you know, the squatters, the inner squatters
Speaker 1: that are warning you at all times, you know, and
Speaker 1: strategizing how to say something, how to not hurt someone's feelings,
Speaker 1: how to how to not do something because you really
Speaker 1: might fail, Like you know yourself so well, you just
Speaker 1: are this way and you've never been good at that,
Speaker 1: and you don't like trying that, and you know the
Speaker 1: time you tried that once it didn't work. So it's
Speaker 1: incredibly protective, a strategist and always wants to keep you safe,
Speaker 1: as if that's warm and fuzzy. And then the chicken
Speaker 1: you know won't ask the girl oud, won't talk about
Speaker 1: a promotion, won't say what someone you know did that
Speaker 1: upset you, will you know, it's just shoving everything down
Speaker 1: or you know, gossiping. You know, it has many ways
Speaker 1: of dealing with its fear, but it traps so much
Speaker 1: of an individual into what they think they know about
Speaker 1: themselves and who they think they are hyeah, block bar
Speaker 1: and the brat. Oh well, this one I especially needed
Speaker 1: to address. I'm much less of a chicken and way
Speaker 1: more of a brat. So the brat. You know, I'll
Speaker 1: do it tomorrow. You can't make me. I'm not going to.
Speaker 1: I don't like that. I never did like. I don't
Speaker 1: owe you anything. It's not my fault. You know, any
Speaker 1: form of I'll do it tomorrow, procrastinating, you know, an entitlement, jealousy,
Speaker 1: you know, lots of dark ways of holding in, being mad, right,
Speaker 1: being being lazy. It's its own little scene and a
Speaker 1: half and voice in there and definitely critical, right, yep.
Speaker 1: I want what I want, and I want it now,
Speaker 1: and oh my god, you see what you did. Right.
Speaker 1: It's definitely comes back to your child like. It definitely
Speaker 1: has never gone away since your childhood, except for your
Speaker 1: ability to stuff it and pretend it's mature that it
Speaker 1: needs a cookie at ten o'clock at night, right to
Speaker 1: you know, or a drink now. It needs a drink
Speaker 1: right now, and it doesn't need just one, it needs three. Right.
Speaker 1: It's definitely anyone who's struggling with their weight. That's not chicken,
Speaker 1: that's brat. Anyone who's struggling in their career. That's usually
Speaker 1: way more chicken, not brat right sore. There really are
Speaker 1: where they reside throughout the you know, your life, in
Speaker 1: different areas of your life and figuring out how they're
Speaker 1: ruling you is an amazing way to take over your
Speaker 1: inner dialogue because all you have to do is really
Speaker 1: listen for the voice. Then there's the weather reporter. So
Speaker 1: the weather order is um like are a bigger concept, right,
Speaker 1: It's oh, it's a narrative in that head of yours,
Speaker 1: but it's what generalizes I've never been good at that.
Speaker 1: I've always been this way. I'm an introvert, right and
Speaker 1: you know, so it has sweeping generalizations about your personality,
Speaker 1: about the world, and about life itself. But it speaks
Speaker 1: it like a weather reporter. A weather reporter, it's not
Speaker 1: your fault, right, the weather report of it changed, like
Speaker 1: it said it was going to be sunny and it's rains.
Speaker 1: They did the best they could, right, So a weather
Speaker 1: reporter is always doing the best they can at telling
Speaker 1: the truth about how it is, except what it's talking about.
Speaker 1: They were like you relate to like it's a fact,
Speaker 1: like I've always been this way I need this. I've
Speaker 1: never been good at dieting, right, and then it never
Speaker 1: looks at the moment to moment choices that you're making
Speaker 1: because you've never been good at that. But if I
Speaker 1: could give you ten grand, if you can your diet
Speaker 1: every day, right, all of a sudden, being on a
Speaker 1: diet would be fun. Right. So when how you test
Speaker 1: a weather report is if I could, if you can
Speaker 1: change it, like really, you have power to change it.
Speaker 1: But if you have no power to change something, it's like,
Speaker 1: can you make it rain? Right now? The answer is now,
Speaker 1: can you make yourself an extrovert? Ready? Everybody answer is yes.
Speaker 1: So it's a lie that you're telling yourself because it's
Speaker 1: not a weather report except your weather reporting about many
Speaker 1: areas of your life where you're generalizing like you know yourself.
Speaker 1: But it's na true. So I think it's interesting what
Speaker 1: you said. They're about the money test, right, which is
Speaker 1: you know. A way to tell is to ask yourself
Speaker 1: if if somebody gave me, you know, ten thousand dollars
Speaker 1: or five thousand dollars today to do this and that,
Speaker 1: would I do it? And and if the answer is yes,
Speaker 1: I would, And you jump right up and you're ready
Speaker 1: to do it. It shows it's something that you are
Speaker 1: able to control. It's a lie, right, Like it's the
Speaker 1: person that goes, I'm not a morning person and so
Speaker 1: therefore I can't get out of bed and exercise early
Speaker 1: or meditate. I'm never good at this or that. So
Speaker 1: there's the sweeping generalization that the person repeats and repeats
Speaker 1: and repeats. But I could bait you out of it, right,
Speaker 1: I could. I could get you out of it with
Speaker 1: a good prize, right, which means if it can change
Speaker 1: in an hour, what you your case about that you
Speaker 1: can't change is so suspicious, which is so empowering. Yep.
Speaker 1: And so this sort of leads into the idea of
Speaker 1: beliefs and theories. So let's talk briefly about what what
Speaker 1: beliefs and theories are and how they play into this
Speaker 1: whole inner dialogue thing. So how I break it out
Speaker 1: is I'm like, you have an inner dialogue, and your
Speaker 1: inner dialogue can get put into these big buckets of
Speaker 1: chicken negative inner dialogue can be put into buckets of
Speaker 1: chicken brat and weather reporter. But if you're like, well,
Speaker 1: what's making my chicken different than your chicken? Or my
Speaker 1: brat different and then your brat. You would go to
Speaker 1: the next column, right one before that one, and it
Speaker 1: would talk about it has three things in it. It
Speaker 1: has your lineage, your heritage, like that's everything where you
Speaker 1: came from what I call your epies, your epigenetics, like
Speaker 1: how your parents and like how your culture totally influenced
Speaker 1: how your chicken bad or weather reporter, and how you're
Speaker 1: conducting your personality. But the other two areas are your
Speaker 1: beliefs and your theories about life are conducting all of
Speaker 1: your inner dialogue in a macro way. And so how
Speaker 1: beliefs form and theories form, they also form from your
Speaker 1: family and how you were raised or reactions to that.
Speaker 1: But once you have a belief or a theory, um,
Speaker 1: they're informing you at all times. So the belief I'm
Speaker 1: I'm not athletic, I never have been, it becomes pervasive
Speaker 1: as a belief. A belief is something that you just
Speaker 1: believe to be true, like you accepted it. It's it's
Speaker 1: like hardcore fact about life. It doesn't need proof anymore.
Speaker 1: It just is true. I love you, right, I am
Speaker 1: great at this right. It doesn't really go into question.
Speaker 1: You don't question it. You know, you're not wondering about it.
Speaker 1: It's yours and you think you possess it. A theory
Speaker 1: is different because it's something you're speculating that you believe,
Speaker 1: like it's turning into a belief, it's becoming something, but
Speaker 1: it's strung together. When I was a kid, I was
Speaker 1: really good at this, and then I did it later
Speaker 1: and then this happened. So therefore, right, So, a theory
Speaker 1: is a is a much longer. Over time, you've come
Speaker 1: to know something about yourself and you speculate that it's true,
Speaker 1: so you're proving it and it's informing your chicken Bratton
Speaker 1: Weatherporte and also what's going well in your life. Right.
Speaker 1: Mostly I'm just focusing on how people can get access
Speaker 1: to what's you know, what's negative, but you know there's
Speaker 1: also lots of good things. You're saying to yourself that
Speaker 1: I wouldn't change. Now, keep that belief, No, keep that theory.
Speaker 1: But the premise goes that you're conducting all of them,
Speaker 1: and if you can figure out what they are, you
Speaker 1: can really change them. And there's a question you you
Speaker 1: write in the book that I think is a very
Speaker 1: interesting question, and I often think about this which, as
Speaker 1: you say, which comes first the theory, belief or the
Speaker 1: evidence of that theory or belief, And and most of
Speaker 1: us would say, without thinking about it, well, the evidence
Speaker 1: is what comes first. I base my theory on evidence,
Speaker 1: and then, like you said, it turns into a belief.
Speaker 1: But but let's talk about when that's not true. Once
Speaker 1: a person has an incident, a moment in their life,
Speaker 1: and I do study, I make people work on their
Speaker 1: haunting memories because you're haunting memories create beliefs and theories.
Speaker 1: They could be positive or negative. But obviously again I
Speaker 1: go after what's negative, because that's what's stopping us. Right.
Speaker 1: But so, so you have a theory or a belief,
Speaker 1: but what's really happening is you know your mother's not home,
Speaker 1: and you come up with she if she loved me,
Speaker 1: she'd have been home by now, right, And then the
Speaker 1: minute your mother walks in it's eight minutes late. You're like, see,
Speaker 1: so I really am like something can happen. But your
Speaker 1: ability to make what happened into a theory or a
Speaker 1: belief is epic, right, And then you came up with
Speaker 1: it and then proved it. And therefore, if that's true,
Speaker 1: and then it becomes even more and more true in
Speaker 1: that relationship with your mother or your career, right good
Speaker 1: or bad. It goes to show you that if you
Speaker 1: actually have any theory, you can make anything happen. Right,
Speaker 1: You're just making some ship happen. You're making good ones,
Speaker 1: bad ones, anyone's happen. But it's more the arc type
Speaker 1: of it that's brilliant. Right. We talk a lot on
Speaker 1: this show about how you know all this stuff? Are
Speaker 1: there just stories by and large? Right? I mean there
Speaker 1: are nuggets of a fact in there. If it's an
Speaker 1: observable like oh I saw that person walk out the
Speaker 1: door at seven pm? Okay, faction why they did it
Speaker 1: and what it means about me and means to me?
Speaker 1: All made up? And how they left and what you know?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's how much? How much is interpretation
Speaker 1: and invented? Right? And you know, I love an idea
Speaker 1: that um is a belief or a thought instead of
Speaker 1: thinking is it right or is it wrong? Is it useful? Right?
Speaker 1: That's the measuring stick because you're making it up. So
Speaker 1: why if we are making a lot of it up,
Speaker 1: not make it up in a way that empowers and
Speaker 1: strengthens us. Yeah, and that what arises in your mind
Speaker 1: is a is like a word or like until you
Speaker 1: consent to what rose, right, it's it's a lot like
Speaker 1: a radio station. Right. You're like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: hear that song. Right. That was one of my jokes
Speaker 1: early in my career was like, I think my love
Speaker 1: life is playing one long bad led Zeppelin song, dude, now, right,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, this is so melanchraumatic, Lauren, Right,
Speaker 1: you do need a cigarette, right, Like this ship is bad? Right,
Speaker 1: And and so it was like and it would, it
Speaker 1: would arise, and I had, you know, as if I
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with what I was thinking about
Speaker 1: her who I was chasing or dating or not calling back,
Speaker 1: or I couldn't help it, right, Not true. Let's talk
Speaker 1: a little bit about working with our thoughts. And and
Speaker 1: there's something that you say that I think is interesting
Speaker 1: and I want to have you explained it before I
Speaker 1: start to potentially disagree with it. Um, you talk about
Speaker 1: five basic steps to reclaim your mind, right, you observe it,
Speaker 1: you name it, and then the last one is you
Speaker 1: stop it. And so talk to me about the stopping it.
Speaker 1: Because anybody who sat down to meditate for a little
Speaker 1: while realizes you're not stopping the thoughts coming, right, You're
Speaker 1: not even generating them, They're just showing up. So talk
Speaker 1: to me what you mean by stop it in regards
Speaker 1: to a thought pattern. So, first of all, I do
Speaker 1: believe Eve, you can take over your narrative and manage
Speaker 1: having thoughts arise because you change your whole life, right,
Speaker 1: So I do think you can take over way more
Speaker 1: than just getting a grip on what you're doing, fixing
Speaker 1: what you're doing, breaking in there, and changing what you
Speaker 1: have into what you wish it was. The most important
Speaker 1: thing I care about is that a person has their
Speaker 1: vision and their dream in all areas of their life.
Speaker 1: You have to know what you're working towards, because that
Speaker 1: utterly interrupts and shows you the gap between you know,
Speaker 1: what you need to be saying in that head of
Speaker 1: yours versus what you are saying in that head of yours,
Speaker 1: which then ultimately takes over what are you doing in
Speaker 1: that mind of yours? So I give your mind something
Speaker 1: much like, yeah, you have to have a vision, right, right,
Speaker 1: and then your vision says I want to have a
Speaker 1: better sex life with my husband, right, you know? And
Speaker 1: then your actions and how you talk to yourself about
Speaker 1: your husband. Then you can now hear it because you understand.
Speaker 1: Like if you have a vision, like I want to
Speaker 1: get up every morning at six am, you know, then
Speaker 1: you know you better set your alarm and you can
Speaker 1: hear the voice in your head the night before. You
Speaker 1: have to set your alarm. Right, So the only way
Speaker 1: to break into actually even hear it is to know
Speaker 1: where it wants to go, right, to have a purpose, Okay,
Speaker 1: and then you can hear how annoying you are. So
Speaker 1: now imagine you can hear how annoying you are, right, Like,
Speaker 1: so I was incredibly annoying when I had to take
Speaker 1: over learning to love exercising, right, because I had a
Speaker 1: very cute body. You know, I was sporty, but I
Speaker 1: didn't know I was eating. I didn't know anything until
Speaker 1: I stopped being as sporty as I was in high
Speaker 1: school and then gain those fifteen pounds everybody talks about
Speaker 1: and then getting rid of them. I had to take
Speaker 1: over my mind and I had to love exercising and eating, right,
Speaker 1: you Right, at nineteen, that was not that fun. But
Speaker 1: having that vision lets me hear my inner dialogue, right,
Speaker 1: So then my inner dialogue. It's very clear, right, it
Speaker 1: gets it gets to eat this, it gets to have
Speaker 1: these things. This is this is what I want to
Speaker 1: be doing, and this is what the voice wants to do.
Speaker 1: So now you hear your voice, go get a cookie.
Speaker 1: You deserve one. You you worked out, you went an
Speaker 1: extra ten minutes on your run. Come on, cookay, right,
Speaker 1: or drink or whatever? Your thing is? Right? And who's
Speaker 1: saying that that is not in my best interest? Like?
Speaker 1: Shut up voice, right? Like shut up right? So when
Speaker 1: you get you're not gonna eat the cookie. Not only
Speaker 1: do I get a person to dream, I get them
Speaker 1: to make promises that they want to keep. Because my
Speaker 1: whole method is about personal integrity and keeping a promise
Speaker 1: to yourself. So I engage you in your higher self
Speaker 1: by making you have a vision, make a promise. And
Speaker 1: now listen for the little criminal in the head trying
Speaker 1: to get a cookie. Right now, we know you know
Speaker 1: where that wolf is? Hi wolf? Right, how do I
Speaker 1: get in the cage? So you have to start to
Speaker 1: fight with that voice and go get an apple. And
Speaker 1: that's the real work, and developing that voice becomes possible.
Speaker 1: After you hear your voice, you can then kick its ass.
Speaker 1: I teach how to do talkbacks. I explain all of
Speaker 1: my inner dialogue, because you're developing an inner dialogue that
Speaker 1: you respect and love that is you. There is no
Speaker 1: is you until you consent to what is you. And
Speaker 1: trust me, that voice that gets the cookie was not me.
Speaker 1: I was miserable. So that's the basic gist of that
Speaker 1: section in the book. And so what you're saying, essentially
Speaker 1: is is a variation on you can't stop your first thought,
Speaker 1: but you you stop what comes right after it, and
Speaker 1: you notice it and you redirect it. And you may
Speaker 1: have to do that five hundred five thousand times. When
Speaker 1: I think stop it. It's one of those things. It's like,
Speaker 1: well they don't stop. But we used to say in recovery,
Speaker 1: like I just said, you know, I can't control your
Speaker 1: first thought, but you can control what you do with
Speaker 1: it after it appears right, Yes, And I do also
Speaker 1: love that over time, once I've mastered I really mastered that,
Speaker 1: and it and like a child who's never getting their
Speaker 1: pacifier again, it shuts down some, it becomes funny, it
Speaker 1: doesn't even try anymore. It's like a catch twenty two.
Speaker 1: If it could stay there forever and never get a cookie.
Speaker 1: It will disappear. But if you think it disappeared, it'll
Speaker 1: come back, right I referred to it. I refer to
Speaker 1: it as like stay stray cats, Like if you stop
Speaker 1: feeding them, they stopped coming around, right. You know, It's
Speaker 1: like you've got to stop feeding those thoughts and and
Speaker 1: then eventually they will go away. You know, whether it's
Speaker 1: a craving or whatever it is, it it will disappear
Speaker 1: if you don't feed it, you know. And and and
Speaker 1: that relationship building, that ability is self love, yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And and so I want to go back to a
Speaker 1: little something you said in the middle of that, because
Speaker 1: I think it's when I describe my coaching program to people,
Speaker 1: this is what I say, and you said it almost exactly,
Speaker 1: which is, you know, the skill ultimately that we're after
Speaker 1: here is the ability to make and keep a promise
Speaker 1: to yourself. If you can do that, the sky's the limit,
Speaker 1: it's the best and then trust yourself. Right. It feels
Speaker 1: so good. You know. You talk about it as personal integrity, um.
Speaker 1: And you know, but that ability to make and keep
Speaker 1: a promise not only leads to success, it leads to
Speaker 1: an inner stability and well being. I think it connects
Speaker 1: you to your soul, like that is your soul walking
Speaker 1: on earth, that that came to live and to fulfill
Speaker 1: on lots of fun. Right, And I wanted to follow
Speaker 1: up with something else that you wrote because I thought
Speaker 1: this was a really interesting statement and UM ties to
Speaker 1: this exactly. Say what if integrity is spirituality? I do
Speaker 1: think that. I think your ability to say and do
Speaker 1: something makes anything. And then it means say do and
Speaker 1: believe right, say like believe in something, say something, do
Speaker 1: something that they're all aligned. Yeah, that is sacred. That's
Speaker 1: being sacred, it's seeing sacred, it's being wholly to yourself
Speaker 1: and the purpose of your life, whatever your purpose is. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I couldn't agree more. I could not agree more. And
Speaker 1: and you know, I think any of us if we
Speaker 1: look in our in our life and we look at
Speaker 1: the places and the times we have done that where
Speaker 1: we make and you know, like you said, you know,
Speaker 1: think about what's important and then you know, decide to
Speaker 1: do it and then actually do it. If you look
Speaker 1: at the times in your life when that has happened,
Speaker 1: you you notice an internal congruence that is really really good.
Speaker 1: And when you don't, there's this inner turmoil that never
Speaker 1: really goes away. You keep reinforcing the same thing and
Speaker 1: working with people, we get off to a good start,
Speaker 1: they're doing well, and then you know, something happens a
Speaker 1: day or two, right, and and what immediately comes up
Speaker 1: is the voice that says, see, and you couldn't do
Speaker 1: it right? Yeah, Well, and then that conveniently gets you
Speaker 1: a drink. It conveniently gets you to not talk to
Speaker 1: your boss about that right it has and then you're
Speaker 1: sad about yourself. And then feeling bad is one of
Speaker 1: the things. Like feeling bad I have always considered one
Speaker 1: of the darkest. Like it when people feel bad, it's
Speaker 1: as if they're guilty and they understand they should have
Speaker 1: done it differently, And it means so much that you
Speaker 1: like you better feel guilty if you don't do it,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: darkest phenomenas. And human is being able to feel really
Speaker 1: bad is if that makes you still a good person.
Speaker 1: Like I said I would do something, I feel terrible,
Speaker 1: I didn't do it. I'm still the good purpose and
Speaker 1: maybe I'll do it tomorrow. And I wish a human
Speaker 1: would just go I said I'd do it, I didn't
Speaker 1: do it on it. Just be true about it, right.
Speaker 1: I don't need you to feel bad, I don't need
Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself. I don't need you to suffer
Speaker 1: because I promise it leads to a bag of potato chips, right,
Speaker 1: Like I'm telling you it's getting you a cookie. Right.
Speaker 1: Why are humans suffering feeling bad and still not doing
Speaker 1: the action? Right? So I'm very into breaking into that narrative.
Speaker 1: So a person wakes up to that they give it
Speaker 1: up all for feeling bad and some way to wallow.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right, and that you're exactly right, that
Speaker 1: the the wallowing or the feeling bad, or you know,
Speaker 1: the guilt or even in some people that the deeper,
Speaker 1: you know, this goes so deep, the shame is what
Speaker 1: secretly is reinforcing the habit you're trying to break. I mean,
Speaker 1: I've I've done so much work, you know, over the
Speaker 1: years and observe so many people and you know around addiction,
Speaker 1: and you know that really is the heart of it.
Speaker 1: You know the heart of it is you you use,
Speaker 1: so you feel really bad about yourself and you guilt
Speaker 1: yourself and you talk about how bad you are, and
Speaker 1: we're an awful per which just leads you needing to
Speaker 1: medicate more. Yes and blame, even if the main person
Speaker 1: you blame is you, right like that? Don't that don't
Speaker 1: impress me? Right, So let's talk about we're nearing the
Speaker 1: end of our time here, but I want to talk
Speaker 1: about consequences. This is something you talk a lot about about.
Speaker 1: You know, you design a promise yourself, you keep them
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you pay a conceptance. And so
Speaker 1: let's talk a little bit more about this, and then
Speaker 1: I have a specific question in relationship. So this originally
Speaker 1: was from my brat, you understand, and it works incredibly
Speaker 1: well on the chicken. So what happens is is I
Speaker 1: wanted to make my vices right, whatever, my cookie, whatever
Speaker 1: I was going to get like, I had to earn
Speaker 1: advice right now. It's you know Netflix, right, so if
Speaker 1: I so? For example, right, so I have a promise.
Speaker 1: I've been with my husband for twenty two years. I
Speaker 1: love that man, but I could blow off sex in
Speaker 1: five Like are you kidding? For good? TV? I love
Speaker 1: that guy, see it forever. We're good. We got this, right,
Speaker 1: I'll screen you tomorrow, right, right, baby, I didn't shower,
Speaker 1: I went for a workout. Smell right, I got good
Speaker 1: reasons not to take a five minute shower, um anyway
Speaker 1: and get to my Netflix. Um so anyway. I wonder
Speaker 1: how many sex moments have been interrupted and postponed by Netflix.
Speaker 1: I wonder what the numbers. I just love to know
Speaker 1: I would like. Right, it's it's it's embarrassing and it
Speaker 1: doesn't and it doesn't even match what people feel, right,
Speaker 1: because I really would much rather get it on. It
Speaker 1: doesn't take that long. I still get to the television, right, Like,
Speaker 1: It's like it's not such a right, and I like
Speaker 1: myself so much better, and he likes me better and
Speaker 1: I like him better, and it's like a workout. Right,
Speaker 1: it's like really good. Like a workout is good for
Speaker 1: the body. Sex is really good for the connection with
Speaker 1: your partner. It still works. Right, So here's how a
Speaker 1: consequence works. I swear to be Jesus that I have
Speaker 1: sex twice a week or else. If I don't, I
Speaker 1: you know, I lose my television. Right, I do not
Speaker 1: get to like, you know, if I haven't done it
Speaker 1: by Thursday, I'm in trouble, guys, right with my Netflix. Right,
Speaker 1: it's over, right, and I have to get it done,
Speaker 1: to get it back on so I could get on
Speaker 1: on Saturday. Do you understand? So Netflix is off the table,
Speaker 1: right if I haven't kept my promise. Guess who keeps
Speaker 1: a promise? Right? It makes my my funny dark side,
Speaker 1: which isn't really very dark. Keep like it doesn't. I
Speaker 1: don't get my cookie unless I kept the promise I
Speaker 1: really want to keep when I wanted to. Here's another
Speaker 1: great example is this works really well on me? I
Speaker 1: want to meditate twice a day? Ready? How do I
Speaker 1: do that? No coffee until I've meditated or in the
Speaker 1: evening I want to make to take later in the afternoon.
Speaker 1: No screen fun time until I've meditated. Guess who meditates? Right?
Speaker 1: And I don't keep that to myself. I keep it public. Well,
Speaker 1: I die without coffee? No? Maybe? Um would I die
Speaker 1: without my Netflix? No? Would I die without? Do you understand?
Speaker 1: So a consequence is not a punishment. It gets your vice,
Speaker 1: your dark side. You're like, give me that write your
Speaker 1: drink to work for the for the good guys before
Speaker 1: it earns it's you know cookie? You know? I think
Speaker 1: those can be very very powerful, and I've seen them
Speaker 1: work and I've used them. And but my question is,
Speaker 1: in certain cases, we don't have enough of a grasp
Speaker 1: on things in general that we're even going to make
Speaker 1: ourselves do the consequence. We say, oh, well, the consequence
Speaker 1: is this, but we don't do the action or the
Speaker 1: consequence right, because that basic muscle isn't even there. Well.
Speaker 1: In my program, right, in my digital pro Graham and
Speaker 1: in my coaching program, everyone owes their promises to someone
Speaker 1: who's going to help be accountable for them. Like I
Speaker 1: have three children, and I have a promise that I
Speaker 1: do not I do not get to get hot, Like
Speaker 1: I do not get to scream, nothing loud comes out.
Speaker 1: I have to use my words, right, I have to
Speaker 1: really talk if I'm upset, Right, I do not get
Speaker 1: to act like my mommy and scream through the house
Speaker 1: and scare the living but Jesus out of people, right,
Speaker 1: And if I scream or get pissy like that hot,
Speaker 1: anyone in earshot gets twenty bucks. Right, you know it
Speaker 1: happens like once a year. And trust me, I scream out.
Speaker 1: Before I scream, everybody will could get here. That's gonna
Speaker 1: have to do. And then I'm like, you know, and
Speaker 1: it makes it so funny that my kids never actually
Speaker 1: believe the scream right right there, Like mommy went off
Speaker 1: a deep end, right, and I made twenty bucks because
Speaker 1: she lost her ship, right, and I love that, Like God,
Speaker 1: I wish my mother did that. Right, And so that
Speaker 1: art it is like your heart like holding you to
Speaker 1: the behaviors you want to be, right, like so the
Speaker 1: sex and the don't scream at my kids and even
Speaker 1: go to bed on time, Laurenzander, right, like I need
Speaker 1: a bedtime. Right, So all of these things need promises
Speaker 1: and consequences for me and in my practice with an
Speaker 1: accountability buddy, right and trust me, use your kids right,
Speaker 1: just tell them if I don't go to the gym,
Speaker 1: you make twenty bucks, and they'll be like, did you go?
Speaker 1: I'm going today? Right? And you deserves you, right because
Speaker 1: you don't want to lie to that kid and teach
Speaker 1: them you don't keep promises or tell excuses. You can
Speaker 1: almost you can hear your excuses when you have to
Speaker 1: look in your kid's eye, right, right, right. Accountability is
Speaker 1: so critical, you know it's it's such a big piece
Speaker 1: of the poet. It's also a great way to love
Speaker 1: each other. Even most most friends are not they're drinking buddies,
Speaker 1: not accountability buddies is our joke, right, and we teach
Speaker 1: how to truly um you know, take like work together
Speaker 1: humans right, Like to really love each other is to
Speaker 1: support each other, right, and so I want that to
Speaker 1: change for humanity too and make it fun and deep.
Speaker 1: Yep yep. Well, this has been a wonderful conversation. We
Speaker 1: are at the end of our time. You and I
Speaker 1: are going to continue in a post show conversation where
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about the eight basic brands of excuses. Listeners,
Speaker 1: if you want to become a member, get access to
Speaker 1: post show conversations like this one. Add free episodes and
Speaker 1: a weekly mini episode I do call the teaching song
Speaker 1: and a poem as well as feel good about supporting
Speaker 1: the show. Go to one you Feed dot net slash join.
Speaker 1: So thank you so much, Lauren. Again, it's been a
Speaker 1: it's been a fun pleasure and I've enjoyed the conversation.
Speaker 1: This is great. Okay, bye m M. If what you
Speaker 1: just heard was helpful to you, please consider making a
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