WEBVTT - Francesca Hogi on how America can learn to love each other again 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:04.640 Thanks for listening. For earlier access to these episodes, access 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:08.160 to Ask Me Anything sessions, and extended breakdowns of historical 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:12.760 and current events, please consider joining our Warning Premium community 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:18.800 by clicking the link in the description to this episode. 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.880 So I've really thrilled this afternoon to be joined by 0:00:23.960 --> 0:00:28.440 Francesca Hogy, who I met at a conference. I think 0:00:28.440 --> 0:00:29.760 it was a conference, is that. 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.080 What we I think that's what we call it. 0:00:33.479 --> 0:00:38.600 It was a conference, but it was a conference on atriotism, 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:43.040 and there was a really unique assemblage of people there 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:48.280 with a lot of varied backgrounds. And you were there, 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:50.800 and you are a love coach. 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:55.200 Yes, yes, that was That was a strange room to 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:59.600 find myself in, for sure, but I was glad to 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:01.880 be there and glad to meet you. But yes, I 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:03.960 am a love coach. I help people with love. 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:07.959 And I think one of the things that was interesting 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.720 about that weekend as the obvious and we'll get into 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:15.119 talking about what you do who you do it with, 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:22.840 but love as a concept is elemental to the human condition, 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:27.280 and that's something that you talked about at the retreat, 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:32.360 and in the context of patriotism, one of the things 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.120 I've long said and I said there that weekend, is 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:39.399 that we need a reminder in the country that you 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:43.840 can't hate half the people in it and love your country. 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:49.120 And love, whether it's with patriotism, whether it's at an 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:59.320 individual level, is just elemental to everything else in society working. 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.559 And I've just wanted to ask you, when you think 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:08.400 about your career track, tell us how you got into 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:12.320 doing what you do, how you say it what you 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.400 do before we talk about the concept more broadly. 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:19.920 Yeah. So I in my former career, I was a 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:24.280 corporate lawyer, which is not the world's worst job, but 0:02:24.720 --> 0:02:28.040 it's still was something that I knew that that was 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:29.600 not what I was on the planet to do. It's 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:31.280 not what I wanted to do for the rest of 0:02:31.320 --> 0:02:35.600 my life. And love is something that I've always been 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:40.760 unusually obsessed with. It felt normal to me. But as 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:42.480 I got older, I said, I don't think other people 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:46.320 think about love quite as much as I do. And eventually, 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:49.520 I mean, this is a very very short version. Eventually 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:54.160 I wound up discovering a matchmaker named Paul Brunson, and 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:58.160 he is a black man. He had an MBA. He 0:02:58.360 --> 0:03:01.640 was an investment banker, and he left his career to 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:05.239 start a matchmaking business, and I was very inspired. I 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:07.240 was like, I'm kind of like him. I saw myself 0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:11.639 in him, and through just following him, I learned that 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:14.240 this was actually an industry, that there were people whose 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:17.080 job it was to help other people find love. And 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.120 that was one of the things that was really important 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:22.800 to me in my career pivot was doing something that 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:27.120 was really important, like something that was actually really significantly 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:31.200 going to positively impact people's lives. And I was like, well, 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.920 what's more impactful than love? Right, Like, as you said, 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:37.600 it's elemental. We're all born knowing how to love. We're 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:39.720 all born, you know, I consider us all to be 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:42.760 born love geniuses. And then a lot of that gets 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:46.720 suppressed through you know, life and childhood and conditioning and 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:49.880 trauma and all those things. But at our core, you know, 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:53.000 we all have this drive to love and to be loved, 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.920 and you know, I just once I discovered that I 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:00.240 could actually help people really tap into that and to 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:03.160 really embody love and not just think of it as 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:06.280 even though I focus on romantic love. For people who 0:04:06.320 --> 0:04:09.160 are listening and you've no idea who I am, you know, 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.680 I typically work with people who are single who are 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:18.040 looking for healthy relationships that last. That's my typical demographic. 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:20.880 But even within that, you know, a lot of people 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:22.480 come to me and they're very focused on I want 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:24.479 to get into relationship. I want to get into a relationship. 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:28.400 But then ultimately what the real key to them actually 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:31.599 having that relationship is is having a deeper relationship of 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:34.640 self love. So when I started, I was very much 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:37.839 about I'm a matchmaker. I'm just going to introduce everybody to, 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:40.000 you know, a great partner and they're going to fall 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:41.839 in love and it's all going to be great. And 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:43.440 once I got in it, it was like, oh wait, 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:45.680 there's a lot more to this, and there are a 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:48.680 lot more layers that people need to really address and 0:04:48.880 --> 0:04:52.320 understanding what love even is and how to actually live 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:57.480 in love and start there, and then you'll then the 0:04:57.839 --> 0:05:02.080 relationship you want and all of that because comes inevitable 0:05:02.320 --> 0:05:07.960 and just and accepted or expected outcome of just moving 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:09.840 through the world in a certain way and having that 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:12.760 intention of Okay, I do want to co create a 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:14.520 loving relationship with another person. 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:19.040 So I want to talk about all of that, But 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:23.480 I want to back up on your career trajectory and 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:28.479 So take us to that moment where you're going into 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:32.400 the corporate law firm, your corporate lawyering and doing the 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.839 things that corporate lawyers do, and you have your first moment, 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:40.400 right and it's you know, you have you have gone 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:44.359 to law school, you're a lawyer, You've you've studied for 0:05:44.640 --> 0:05:48.880 you've passed the bar. There you are and one day 0:05:49.480 --> 0:05:52.800 this what was it? Is it a moment of doubt 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:58.120 creeps in? You know, when do you go from first out? 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:02.000 So I can't do this anymore, Gotta gotta change it 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:05.559 up because I think a lot of people find themselves there. 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:11.080 Yeah, absolutely, especially a lot of lawyers because too many 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:15.159 people go to law school who shouldn't. But for me, 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:18.200 it was it took I mean it took some time 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:21.040 because initially, you're right, I you know, I did all 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:24.839 the things. I graduated from law school, I passed the bar, 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:27.360 I was at this you know, great firm in New 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:29.240 York City, and I was living the dream. You know, 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:33.479 I'm like, you know, mid twenty six figure salary, town, 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:36.400 you know, town car home every night, and all of 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:40.200 these kind of trappings of success that at first you're like, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.520 oh wow, I made it right, But then after a 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:46.200 couple of years of that, and a big thing for 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:49.120 me was that at my firm, I actually had a 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:52.599 very very good situation because I had one of the 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:55.880 most senior partners at the firm who was my mentor, 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.400 who I did ninety nine percent of my work directly 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:02.960 with him, and so I was very protected from a 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:07.800 lot of the law firm politics and competition because I 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:10.600 was just sort of in this special category, as you know, 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:15.360 being this person's associate, and he and I had a 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:20.280 wonderful relationship, and so I recognized especially compared to all 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:23.480 of my friends who were lawyers and you know, in 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:25.360 other professions as well. I was like, I have a 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:28.880 very very good situation here, and still I don't want 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:30.600 this is not what I want to do for my life. 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:34.040 And when I look at when I look at this partner, 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:35.640 when I look at all the partners, I don't want 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:37.960 their job, right, And this like when people say when 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:39.600 you look at your boss, like if you don't want 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:41.920 your boss's job, then like you might be in the 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:45.720 wrong job, right, and so like I don't want that. 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:48.960 So I just have to trust that there's something more 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:52.120 for me. So my first time that I left the law, 0:07:52.440 --> 0:07:57.040 I left, and actually, because I see I was telling you, 0:07:57.040 --> 0:07:59.400 I told you this short version. But what I actually 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:02.880 had studied undergrad was TV and film production. And so 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:05.280 when I first left the law, I started a film 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.440 production company and so I moved from New York to 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:10.520 LA and I did that for five years with a 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:13.240 friend of mine from law school. Actually, so it was that. 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:15.640 And then I went back to the law because. 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:18.520 I got sucked back in basically because I needed to 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:22.000 make money, because I wasn't making any money as as 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:26.120 an independent film producer and that time, and so you 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:28.360 asked about like that moment, I had a day and 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.040 I went back to New York, you know, back. 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:33.760 In the whole corporate law grind down car, back in 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:37.600 the town car exactly, back in eating you know, dinner 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:39.840 at my at my desk and all of that. And 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:43.200 I literally, Steve, I walked into the office one morning 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:46.000 and this has not ever happened to me before and 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:49.480 or since, I don't think, actually, and it was like 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:52.600 somebody was whispering, my ear, You're not supposed to be here, 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:57.119 and it was so loud and it was so alarming 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.120 that I actually had a moment of you know, and 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:02.240 this is you know, downtown Manhattan, you know Skyscraper, and 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:04.720 I had a moment of like, is this my intuition 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:06.760 telling me like there's a terrorist attack? I mean like 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:09.320 literally that's where I went for a moment. And then 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:11.839 I was like, Okay, I don't think it's that. I 0:09:11.840 --> 0:09:14.800 don't think I'm in immediate danger, but I just this 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:17.680 is I've reached the limit of this, Like I this 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:20.080 stage of being like, I don't know what I'm gonna 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:21.640 do with my life, so I'm kind of stuck here. 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:24.160 It's like I'm sick of being stuck, and it's time 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:25.439 for me to figure it out. 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:29.480 And you meet this guy who, as you said, is 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:32.920 a he's a black guy. He's an investment banker, right, 0:09:32.960 --> 0:09:35.280 and so yeah, there's a you know which I put 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:38.679 like in the very very proximate space right doing more 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:43.280 employers right, very much walked out of that. He's doing this, 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:45.240 and this guy's happy. 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:50.720 Yeah, this guy is happy, he's living his best life. 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:55.240 He's really, you know, very passionate about what he does 0:09:55.520 --> 0:09:59.600 and very successful in all of those things. And so I, yeah, 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:01.439 I really I saw myself and him. I was like, oh, 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:05.920 he you know, did the whole good school, fancy degree thing, 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:10.360 you know, fancy career, and he chose something that seemed crazy, 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:12.160 and a lot of people really did think I was 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:15.080 I mean, no one. I had one friend who said 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:17.640 to me, do you really think is this really what 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:19.319 you want to do? You really think this is a 0:10:19.360 --> 0:10:25.800 good idea? Everyone else kind of went matchmaking? Okay, well, good. 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:26.720 Luck with that, you know. 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:30.440 And but so it takes a lot of courage to 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:35.120 do a big pivot, you know, as you know, and uh. 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:38.400 When people when people when you told people that you 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:42.680 were like, I'm gonna be a matchmaker, were they surprised? 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:48.480 Were they like, that's Francesca that were you know, people 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:52.200 kind of fall out of their chairs? Do they like, 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:54.600 you know, as Francisco always marched at a beat of 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:56.080 her own drama on that. 0:10:57.400 --> 0:10:59.439 Yeah, I mean I think I think a lot of 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:01.640 people in my life just felt like, Okay, you know, 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:04.920 she marches to the beat of her own drum. This 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:07.440 is the thing she's into. I guess now, you know, 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:12.480 I don't think people took it very seriously. But and 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:14.680 I also the other thing that I skipped over is that, 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:17.360 you know, I had been on Survivor right the show, 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:20.600 and I'd been on Survivor twice, and you know that's 0:11:20.640 --> 0:11:22.760 a whole debacle. But anyway, but the point is, I 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:25.720 think people were just kind of used to me doing 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:29.839 risky things, unorthodox things, and so they were kind of like, 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:32.560 all right, well, good luck with that. But there was 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:35.199 literally not one person who was like, yes, this is 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:37.520 a good idea. I see it, I see the vision, 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:39.800 this is what you should do. So I had to 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:43.760 really step out on faith that I was being called 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:47.400 to this profession for a reason and trust that. But yeah, 0:11:47.400 --> 0:11:49.719 it wasn't always easy, but I'm glad I did. 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:54.240 So you talked about this evolution of how you see it, 0:11:54.400 --> 0:12:00.600 how you counsel people when people come to you, that 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:04.960 they have to be comfortable with themselves talking about self love. 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:08.800 But yes, before we get there, let's talk about who's 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:13.960 coming to see you. Median age. 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.840 I would say the median age is probably late thirties. 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:22.600 Okay, yeah, male or more female. 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.920 So I have more women who come to me as clients, 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:30.160 but I actually have more men who listen to my podcast, 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:34.040 and I find that very interesting. Like the breakdown on 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:37.600 social is really fifty to fifty, but I think fewer 0:12:37.640 --> 0:12:41.000 men are inclined to reach out to a coach and say, 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:44.600 you know, I really want to hire you. I need 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:47.120 deeper help with this. But yeah, and they might not 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:49.040 feel as welcome because I do kind of speak to 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:55.200 women mostly, but I include everyone in my heart, even 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:57.920 if people just sort of you know, I happen to 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:00.920 be a heterosexual woman, so I kind of default to 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:07.520 that dynamic often, but not to exclude anyone. Everyone's included. 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:09.720 And what I'm actually talking about, because what I'm actually 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.040 talking about is really about self love and intention and 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:16.719 that doesn't have anything to do with your gender or 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:18.920 age or race or anything like that. 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.520 Now I found that curious. Also, what do you what 0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:24.320 do you how do you account for that? Right? What 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:26.000 do you what do you think it is with Matt 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:33.160 that they are not inclined to ask for help, that 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:35.320 they're lazy? 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:40.839 I'd acted right, I mean, I mean you said it 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:41.560 ask mean. 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:45.640 I mean that could be added. What do you what 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:50.120 do you think now? I I you know, I'm fifty two, 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:54.440 and so we're all a product of our of our generations, 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:59.120 and so being fifty two, and you know, I say 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:02.760 to my kids, well there's there's Grandpa, you know, quite 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:07.520 essential baby boomer. But you missed my my grandparents. But 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:15.760 but Grandpa's generation of men were pre GPS, pre cell phones, 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:20.360 which meant if you were lost with dad, right, and 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:24.120 this doesn't matter, right, you know, black man, white man, 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:28.200 a Hispanic man, it doesn't all men of that generation right. 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:31.320 Overwhelmingly they would not ask for directions, right, you would 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:37.240 have for five six hours? Right, you know, well they 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:39.800 would not. They would not do it right. So like 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:44.400 men are evolving right, somewhat right because they were your 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:48.920 right asking for help. And and now people are listening 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:52.320 and men are coming in. But what do you have 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:56.760 an approach that's different? You know, off the line, what 0:14:56.920 --> 0:14:59.680 you say to a client, a man who's coming in 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:03.400 late thirties versus a woman, you know, late thirties, how 0:15:03.440 --> 0:15:05.280 you how you begin? How you say it? 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:08.400 Yeah? I mean I would say, well, first of all, 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:10.760 I would say late thirties is the median, but the 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:16.400 average is probably more like forties early early early to 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:21.560 mid forties. And it's not that I necessarily say different 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:24.000 things to I would say different things to a man 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:27.360 versus a woman, but I do speak to them differently. 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:31.800 Meaning what I do like about working with men is 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:34.240 that when a man is motivated enough to work with 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.760 a coach, he's pretty much like, Okay, I don't know 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:38.560 what I'm doing, so just tell me what to do 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.480 and I'll do it. So it tends to be a 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:45.040 much more straightforward I don't have to account for as 0:15:45.160 --> 0:15:49.280 much sort of emotion and like because like the more 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:53.720 direct communication. This is such generalizations right now. This is like, 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:55.280 while generally. 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:58.440 Right, but it's good marriage training, like witch, you'll do 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:00.480 when you're told and try to action. 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:05.120 Need Yeah, I mean there is something about there is 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:08.280 something especially like in this I think again this heterosexual 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.720 dynamic where there is an element of men want to 0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:14.720 please you as a woman. So even though I'm just 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:18.280 their coach, there's no romantic anything, I'm still saying like, hey, this, 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:20.200 you know, this is what we agree to. These are 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:22.400 the actions you're going to take. And then if we 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:24.320 get on the phone in a week and you haven't 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:26.280 done it, and I'm like, well, tell me why you 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.240 didn't do it? You know, like this isn't about me, 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:31.160 this is about you. So what's going on here? You 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.200 commit it or not. It's kind of like okay, you 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:36.160 know I think that men tend to respond to that 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:39.560 a little bit better than women, who it tends to 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:41.840 be more of a conversation about Okay, let's talk about 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.280 how you how you feel, and what's coming up for 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.800 you and how you can like some tools to deal 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:48.840 with that emotion so you can take the action that 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:52.000 you want. So this men tend to just generally be 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:54.400 a little bit more action oriented, but that can have 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:58.880 its downside too, obviously, right, And so that's but that's 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:01.360 what's great about man who's ready to work with a coach. 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:03.400 I'm not just saying do these things. It's like there's 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:06.720 there's reason, there's meaning, you know underneath it, and they're 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:07.280 ready for that. 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:10.879 Now. Now, what percentage of people that are coming to 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:15.520 see who are divorced looking or you know versus you know, 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:20.400 haven't been married yet, haven't had a Yeah. 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:21.560 I mean, I would say it's probably about fifty to 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:26.359 fifty you know, between divorce or even if they weren't married, 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:30.440 just maybe long term relationships, I would say, So, I'd 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:34.480 say it's probably probably about fifty percent of people who've 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:39.359 been in long term relationships, and then probably about twenty 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.760 five percent of people who are actively dating but they're 0:17:42.840 --> 0:17:45.639 just like stuck in this cycle and they just can't 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:47.919 break through, they can't break out of that dating cycle. 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:51.560 And then about twenty five percent of people really don't 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.520 date at all and maybe haven't really dated. And so 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:57.240 they're coming to me to really get the confidence and 0:17:57.280 --> 0:18:00.440 the skills to start to open themselves up to date 0:18:00.520 --> 0:18:03.000 and to get romantically activated, as I call it. 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:06.240 There are those people because they just gave up or 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:08.639 they just never engaged in the. 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:13.480 Yeah, it's usually it's usually people who never really got started. 0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:15.840 And then and I and I, by the way, I'm 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:18.240 one of those people. So, like I mean, I was 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:22.080 a lawyer at a law firm, and I had to recognize, like, 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:24.240 I don't know how to date, and I had to 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:27.320 teach myself how to date because I literally was like 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:28.800 I don't know how to get I don't know how 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:30.720 to get a date. Then when I finally figured out 0:18:30.720 --> 0:18:32.320 how to get a date, I wasn't getting asked on 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:35.040 second dates. So I was like my own first client, right. 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:37.879 I had to face the kind of the shame that 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:40.400 you can feel when you are an adult person who 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.840 doesn't date and doesn't have relationships, because it feels like 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:45.919 there's something wrong with you. Is like, why is everybody 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:49.600 else figure this out but not me? And so it 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:52.480 just happens a lot more camp. It happens a lot 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:59.439 more often than people realize because oftentimes people who don't 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:02.600 date and don't have relationships, they're not talking about it. 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:06.200 So you just sort of like, oh, you know, they're busy, 0:19:06.280 --> 0:19:08.000 they doing this, Oh there are all these other things 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:09.639 going on in their lives and that's just not a 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:12.000 priority for them, or maybe they just don't talk about it. 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:13.960 But people make assumptions that there's something going on that 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:15.800 maybe is in and you know, so there are these 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:19.560 different sort of ways that that circumstance can hide and 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:22.280 plain sight. But it's actually it's actually pretty common. 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:26.720 Now let me just are you saying same sex couples, 0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:30.359 are they part of the practice anyone from the transgender 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:36.160 community or overwhelmingly or we talk about heterosexual practice couples coming. 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:38.520 Yeah, well, so, first of all, I don't work with couples. 0:19:38.560 --> 0:19:42.520 I work with individuals. Yeah, so, and in terms of that, 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:45.240 and I mean, yeah, with individuals, So I mean in 0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:48.040 terms of people's like sexual orientation, I mean, most of 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:51.560 my clients are heterosexual or least bisexual, Like there is 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:55.640 some heterosexual dynamic there. But I've also had wonderful, amazing 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:59.080 clients who are homosexual who do you know, all sorts 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:04.760 of So I've had like every permutation basically, but most consistently, 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:11.440 my most consistent client is a cisgendered heterosexual woman. That's 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:14.760 my most typical client. But everyone, like I said, I've 0:20:14.800 --> 0:20:17.200 worked with everyone, and everyone is welcome. It's just those 0:20:17.200 --> 0:20:19.240 are the people who are the most drawn to me. 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:22.560 And the people that will go see a coach to 0:20:22.720 --> 0:20:26.520 do this. Any inclination difference kind of more white than 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:28.800 black or is it evenly. 0:20:29.240 --> 0:20:33.320 Really yeah, it's really evenly spread, and you know, it's 0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:36.600 evenly spread for me in terms of my own business. 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:39.320 But and I think, you know, some coaches are a 0:20:39.400 --> 0:20:42.800 little bit more maybe, you know, like there are a 0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:45.720 lot of coaches, for instance, who specifically coached black women, 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:48.840 Like they're coaches who specifically coach Jewish people. There are 0:20:48.840 --> 0:20:51.959 coaches who specific you know, So there's there's lots of 0:20:52.000 --> 0:20:56.200 different There are people who really specialize in particular communities 0:20:56.240 --> 0:21:00.520 and demographics. I don't specialize in a particular community orgraphic, 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:03.359 but that's but that's great. You know, there's lots of 0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:06.880 coaches out there, and there's basically a coach for everyone. 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:09.720 So I think that as soon as people find like, 0:21:09.760 --> 0:21:12.760 oh there's somebody who's speaking my language, they're saying something 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:15.920 that resonates with me. What I don't I don't see 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:19.679 race being a factor in making a decision as to 0:21:19.680 --> 0:21:21.680 whether or not they're going to work with somebody. It's 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:22.679 just who they're going to work with. 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:26.680 Or most people college educated, affluent, Yes. 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:31.520 Yeah, yeah, most of my clients are professionals, and I 0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:34.520 mean they're again this is not like a requirement that 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:37.159 I have, but this is just most of them are 0:21:37.280 --> 0:21:40.480 people who are more high, high achieving. A lot of 0:21:40.480 --> 0:21:44.399 them have graduate degrees, a lot of them have you know, 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:49.080 that successful what looks like that very successful career. They 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:51.639 have some means because it is a luxury service, right Like, 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:54.680 so if you if you don't have any if you 0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:58.080 don't have any money to invest in coaching, you know, 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:00.480 I still have lots of resources that are free. But 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:02.400 in terms of who I work with one on one, yeah, 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:04.239 there are people who tend to you know, they have 0:22:04.680 --> 0:22:06.800 they have the means to invest in coaching. 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:08.800 All right, So I'm going to make a sweet thing 0:22:08.960 --> 0:22:13.080 kind of generalization. Now, so we've asked these questions just 0:22:13.200 --> 0:22:15.520 kind of arc type of Americans. And one of the 0:22:15.560 --> 0:22:18.679 things we were at the conferences, you know, which was 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:22.280 a nice thing able to have a direct, honest of 0:22:22.359 --> 0:22:26.919 dialogue and conversations about things. And so we live in 0:22:26.960 --> 0:22:30.240 this era where everything is sliced and diced into the 0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:36.200