1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,919 Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, I left rehab and said, fuck it, 5 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,600 Speaker 1: I'll stay in LA and do outpatient. But I saw 6 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 1: this sobriety as temporary. When my friend Annie from rehab 7 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:35,000 Speaker 1: kicked me out of her apartment, I had a plan 8 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,479 Speaker 1: on my way back to San Diego. I'd go to 9 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: a bar and drink at her, show her how she'd 10 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:46,279 Speaker 1: hurt me, what she'd made me do. But I literally 11 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 1: saw a sign a burning bush on the highway. I 12 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: felt then that there was a higher power that I 13 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 1: didn't have to let life just keep happening to me, 14 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: that I could live in my integrity. I've been willing 15 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: to take my life into my own hands many times before. 16 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: I survived my childhood, done well enough in school to 17 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 1: get a scholarship to college before I blew it off. 18 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,160 Speaker 1: I've gotten a high paying job at the phone company 19 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: before I got close to getting fired. I started to 20 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 1: build a stable life with my little sisters before drinking 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: derailed that too. Now I had to ask myself, was 22 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: I willing to put my all into dealing with this 23 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: problem that had taken me so off path to release 24 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: the fantasy I had about myself as a person who 25 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:44,639 Speaker 1: could party in moderation. This felt like one massive life change, 26 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: but in reality, I was asking myself to make small, 27 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 1: sometimes boring, but good for me decisions multiple. 28 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 2: Times a day. Could I do it? I'm emmy and. 29 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: This is crumbs to show about the things we settled 30 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: for and the bits of ourselves that make us who 31 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: we are. This season my sobriety journey in twelve Steps, 32 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: Step six willingness. I've always described San Diego as a 33 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: place full of very painful memories, which is why I 34 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 1: don't live there today. But for the time being, I 35 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 1: had to make it work that I knew that I 36 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 1: needed to enroll into an outpatient program. The Trumancentive that 37 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: I went to in Pasadena had a sister program in 38 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 1: San Diego. I enrolled, I went back to my twelve 39 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: step meeting, and I got a gym membership. I needed 40 00:02:54,440 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: to have a very structured life. Jim outpatient top set meeting, repeat, 41 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: Jim outpatient, toss Up meeting repeat, Jim outpatient toss up meeting. 42 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,919 Speaker 1: I really don't want to go today, can I? Can 43 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: I do toss up repeat? No Jim outpatient toss up repeat. 44 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 1: The way I had to do it was spending at 45 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:24,680 Speaker 1: least six hours a day doing the work four hours 46 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 1: and outpatient wanted to tossup meetings a day. I needed 47 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: to keep my mind busy. I needed to keep myself busy. 48 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: Willingness for me was like holding a slippery fish. You 49 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: have to hold it really tight. If you let go 50 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 1: a little bit, if you loosen your grip, it's gonna 51 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: slip out of your hands, right back into the river 52 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: and swim away. 53 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 2: I had already gone. 54 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: Through that in the past, where I stopped doing the 55 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: work and I got loosey goosey about my recovery. I 56 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: was scared about getting back to that place. I didn't 57 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 1: want I want to go there. So I had to 58 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: really hang on tight to that slippery fish. Forced myself 59 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: to dive into this world, not skip meetings. I had 60 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: to make friends, go to outpatient and talkstep meetings, pay 61 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: attention even when it was hard. The outpuation program is 62 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: a classroom setting. There's chairs along the walls, so it's 63 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 1: kind of like you're in a circle and there's an 64 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:37,479 Speaker 1: instructor a facilitator. It opens with an instructor telling you 65 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,480 Speaker 1: about the theme of the day. Then we go around 66 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: we share how we're doing that day. We talked about 67 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: our feelings a lot. I remember one person talking about 68 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: getting a DUI and how that affected their family and 69 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: how they weren't allowed to come back home and how 70 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: heartbreaking that was for them, And I felt connected with them, 71 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,919 Speaker 1: even though my story was different. This person had felt 72 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,479 Speaker 1: the same alienation that I had felt for my family, 73 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: being unwanted, unwelcomed. We talked about the twelve Steps a lot. 74 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: We talk about relapse prevention. We talk about coping mechanisms, 75 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 1: and some days we literally do work. She's about recovery. 76 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,720 Speaker 1: One session, we literally made lists about gratitude. Things were 77 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: grateful for. Notice how descriptive I was about this outpatient program. 78 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: It's because I was really listening. Versus a week ago 79 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: at the other outpatient program. I don't even remember what 80 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,600 Speaker 1: the room looked like, what the setting was. I would 81 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: just fixate on people's clothing. This time, I was present 82 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: easy right. That bloom is actually a really good hue 83 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 1: against her dark hair. Care I don't know about that 84 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:06,719 Speaker 1: cuff brain. Hey, focus. Rewiring your brain to stay present 85 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 1: can be kind of hard. Actually, I had spent so 86 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,039 Speaker 1: much time checked out in rehab, staying with Annie and 87 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,400 Speaker 1: doing the outpatient for the first time around, I had 88 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:21,240 Speaker 1: a clear picture of what happens when you lose interest 89 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 1: in the program, when you loosen your grip and that 90 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 1: wiggly fish slips out of your hands. All those relapses 91 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: where I couldn't even put together a week of time 92 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 1: at once, the crazy experiences of waking up with Rando's 93 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 1: with souvenirs, getting lasick in the blackout, fighting with people 94 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: at bars, and all of those crazy things that happened 95 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:56,159 Speaker 1: to me in my relapses, those crazy nights that could 96 00:06:56,200 --> 00:07:00,360 Speaker 1: have led me to death. There is a feeling of 97 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:06,160 Speaker 1: gratitude that I felt for making it through those terrible things. 98 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,359 Speaker 1: I knew that I didn't want to live that way anymore, 99 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: so I had to hold on tight. Every time you 100 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: start a new program, a new twelve step meeting, you 101 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: get a new group of friends, the fellowship. You get 102 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 1: close to them because you're in class with them every day. 103 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 1: And I'd go to a seven pm twelve step meeting, 104 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 1: I started reconnecting with some old friends from my previous 105 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 1: variety who were also part of the fellowship. I was 106 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: back living with my roommate, the one who pushed me 107 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: to go to rehab in the first place. He's committed 108 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: to his recovery. He plays tennis, he goes to work, 109 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 1: he goes to his meetings. My roommate understands more than 110 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,680 Speaker 1: anything that this is a disease. 111 00:07:58,680 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 2: He knows the goodest side of me. 112 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 1: He knew it before, and he knew that the way 113 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: I was acting when I was drinking and using isn't 114 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,840 Speaker 1: really how I act. Because he's in the program himself, 115 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: he understands. So he did forgive me for everything that 116 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: I did to him, and I forgave him. We have 117 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: a sober household, and all of these people that I 118 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 1: was getting to know in the program, in the fellowship, 119 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: that I was getting close to spending my days with, 120 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: my weekends with calling them, Hey, I'm having a really 121 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: bad time. 122 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,320 Speaker 2: My ass was falling off. 123 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 1: I formed a strong bond with them because we spoke 124 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: the same language. We got each other, we understood each other, 125 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,839 Speaker 1: we saw each other, we understood what we all had 126 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: to lose. And I've been in fellowships before, obviously, but 127 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: I was sharing more, more of myself this time. I 128 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,439 Speaker 1: listened more actively, I tried more. I was quieting the 129 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: voice in my head that was previously keeping me distant 130 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: from people. This is boring, These are losers. These aren't 131 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: your people. You'll stop being their friends in a week. 132 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: Shut up, you need these people. I think what connected 133 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 1: us is the fact that we all were in the 134 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: same solution. While our stories were different, the solution was 135 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: the same. We understood what the stakes were for each other, 136 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 1: and that was really important bonding. My closest relationship is 137 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: for people who didn't judge me, and I didn't judge 138 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,360 Speaker 1: them for their past mistakes. That wasn't really the case 139 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: with other friends who weren't in the program. They sometimes, 140 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 1: for a good reason, couldn't really get past my mistakes 141 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,119 Speaker 1: or see past my mistakes. The fellowship has a different. 142 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,680 Speaker 2: Energy to it. 143 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:06,559 Speaker 1: It's forgiving and supportive in a different way. My former 144 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 1: relationships with my friends that I partied with were kind 145 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: of on pause. 146 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,040 Speaker 2: It's not that we were in bad terms or anything. 147 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: I just knew that I had to change the direction 148 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,240 Speaker 1: of my life and not be hanging out with them, 149 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,560 Speaker 1: and honestly, I think they were doing the same thing. 150 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: I think I told my sister Andrea first about this 151 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: new chapter in my sobriety that I was really going 152 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: to take it seriously, and it's meaningful to have that 153 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 1: kind of conversation. But I also felt like this was 154 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 1: something that I had to do with my fellowship, not 155 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: with my family. If I felt like drinking and then 156 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: call one of my family members, they'd probably feel upset 157 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:54,760 Speaker 1: with me disappointed. But if I called someone in the fellowship, 158 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,360 Speaker 1: they would be really supportive and helped me through it. 159 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: There are these coins you get in the program for 160 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: sobriety milestones. There are newcomer chips or welcome chips for 161 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,440 Speaker 1: people who have twenty nine days or less. When you 162 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 1: get thirty days, you get your thirty day chip, When 163 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: you get sixty days, you get your sixty day chip. 164 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,640 Speaker 1: At ninety days and ninety day chip, then it goes 165 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:35,439 Speaker 1: to three months, six months, nine months, and. 166 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 2: Every year after. 167 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: I wasn't really going to meetings when I have thirty 168 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 1: days sober, so coming up on sixty days was kind 169 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,080 Speaker 1: of a big deal for me. I went to rehab 170 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: on August twenty sixth When I first got back to 171 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: San Diego in late October, I thought. 172 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 2: I had sixty days sober. 173 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:01,560 Speaker 1: I was excited to get my chip, But then I 174 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 1: remembered I took a pill from someone that stupid kalanapin 175 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 1: I'd taken from that teddy bear full of pills when 176 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: my rehab roommate wanted me to lie to save him 177 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 1: from getting kicked out. I took someone else's medication that 178 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: was not prescribed to me because I wanted to numb 179 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 1: myself from the stress that day. That's a relapse, so 180 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 1: I had to get honest. I only had fifty four 181 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 1: days sober. Oh, come on, it's just a week off. 182 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:40,960 Speaker 1: Close enough, right, No, I have to do this right. 183 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: It might not sound like a big deal, but it is. 184 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: Before the Brenning Bush, I would have just fudged it. 185 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 1: Who cares. It's a rounding error, and I'd probably relapse anyway. 186 00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: But not this time. I fell inside that every day counted. Remember, 187 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,960 Speaker 1: the first step is honesty, and this time I was 188 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:10,800 Speaker 1: really willing to be honest about my mistakes. So when 189 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:15,040 Speaker 1: I actually got to sixty honest days, I went back 190 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: to LA to get my sixty day chip. 191 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,320 Speaker 2: I think in a weird way. I wanted to go back. 192 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: And pay homage to what they had done for me 193 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: when I wasn't willing to do it for myself. That's 194 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:34,360 Speaker 1: where my sobriety had started this time around, and I 195 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,440 Speaker 1: didn't think I was going to stay sober or want 196 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: to be sober. I pulled up to Annie's house on 197 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 1: a Saturday night. 198 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,319 Speaker 2: We'd made up. By this point. 199 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: She saw that I was taking a different approach, the 200 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 1: fact that I had enrolled in an outpatient once I 201 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 1: got back to San Diego. Spoke volumes in terms of 202 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: what actions I was going to take towards my recovery. 203 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,360 Speaker 1: So she was willing to forgive my poor attitude before, 204 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: and that meant a lot because I needed her support 205 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:15,319 Speaker 1: at the time. On Sunday morning, we wake up early 206 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: and we drive to the rehab center, the same rehab 207 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,880 Speaker 1: center where Annie and I had met where we both 208 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: did our impatient treatment, with the long driveway and the 209 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: rolling hills and the beautiful bungalows. We go into this 210 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: two offset meeting. It's a big meeting where outside people 211 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,520 Speaker 1: come in and also the residents come on Sunday mornings, 212 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: and everyone's talking before the meeting, it's loud. I don't 213 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: know anyone because it's a different cohort, it's a different crew, 214 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: and so I don't know anyone that's at the rehab. 215 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,200 Speaker 1: But once we start the meeting and they start calling 216 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:01,560 Speaker 1: people celebrating milestones, I raised my hand for a sixty 217 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: day chip. It was a proud moment for me because 218 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: here I was getting sixty days, sixty honest days at 219 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 1: a treatment center that I wasn't serious about. I needed 220 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: to go back in the place where it all began. 221 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 1: I kind of state or see how this was a 222 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: serious thing for me, even though it didn't feel. 223 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 2: Like it in the moment. 224 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: On some level, I did take rehab seriously. And now 225 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: sixty days later, rehab was super important to me. And 226 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 1: Annie was there, and having her there next to me 227 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: was beautiful. Once I started to get back into swing 228 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: of things with my structure, you know, we need to 229 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,120 Speaker 1: have fun and recovery, and with my group of friends 230 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: that are part of the fellowship, who would go out 231 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:11,680 Speaker 1: a lot. There was this meeting on Friday and I 232 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 1: said we'd go to and everybody dressed up, so just 233 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: picture it, like all the gays are dressing up nice 234 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: and their little sweaters and jeans and decked out, and 235 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 1: then we'd go and have dinner at a restaurant or 236 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 1: go to the movies afterward. 237 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 2: Sometimes we'd go to a bar or a club. 238 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 1: We'd walk up to the bar, order our diet cokes 239 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,880 Speaker 1: or any other non alcoholic drink of choice, and just 240 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,520 Speaker 1: people watch. We still have to learn how to live 241 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: around society. Just because we're sober doesn't mean that we're 242 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 1: going to be never walk into a club a bar. 243 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: It was actually a lot of fun because all we 244 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,320 Speaker 1: did was talk shit about how wasted people would get 245 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 1: and how stupid they would act, and I'm just like, wow, 246 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:08,119 Speaker 1: I'm so glad that's not me. I'd see past versions 247 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,600 Speaker 1: of myself at the club. The person who got drunk 248 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,120 Speaker 1: and picked the fight with their friend, the person who 249 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 1: was a runner that their friends had to chase them down, 250 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: the person who'd find half inished drinks that strangers left 251 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 1: and dirty bathrooms and chug them. And so for me, 252 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: it was kind of a way to be like, that 253 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: is exactly who I become when I drink, and it 254 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 1: was kind of like a repellent. It's kind of like 255 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: being with the ghosts of Christmas past. You can see everyone, 256 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 1: but no one can see you. You can also see 257 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,280 Speaker 1: yourself better. Little things like I drink my drinks really fast. 258 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,760 Speaker 1: I'd be back at the bar constantly being like, can 259 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:51,400 Speaker 1: I get a die Coke? 260 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,239 Speaker 2: Please? Can I get a die cook? Can I get 261 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 2: in a die Coke? 262 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: And smson I'd wonder, I'm like, is this why you 263 00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:00,080 Speaker 1: would get drunk so fast? If there was rum in here, 264 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 1: I'd be hammered. I got drink seven or eight diet 265 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: Cokes in the night. That's a lot of diet coke. 266 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: But I always had to have a drink in my hand. 267 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: I felt like I could deal with just anything as 268 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: long as I had the fellowship. I could be surrounded 269 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: by alcohol, be dealing with all kinds of shit in 270 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,480 Speaker 1: my life as long as I stayed in the pack, 271 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: right in the middle of the pack. It's kind of 272 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,439 Speaker 1: like when you're a kid and you're at the park 273 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,639 Speaker 1: and you get on that roundabout that circle with metal 274 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 1: bars that just spins. There's always that one asshole kid 275 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,959 Speaker 1: that's spending it really fast and really fast, and then 276 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 1: there's these other little kids that are just hanging onto 277 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:53,280 Speaker 1: their life like so tight. I learned that the closer 278 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 1: than I got to the center of that roundabout, the 279 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,840 Speaker 1: safer i'd be, the less likely it'd be to fall off, 280 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,280 Speaker 1: because if you're on the edge, if it's spinning so fast, 281 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 1: it's easier to fall off. I wasn't willing to let 282 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:13,000 Speaker 1: myself fall off again. I no longer assume that I 283 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:17,399 Speaker 1: would just sort of survive things. Doing the work was hard. 284 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:21,080 Speaker 1: Being willing to do the work was hard, but I 285 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:24,199 Speaker 1: was starting to build the muscle for it. Not to 286 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 1: toot my own horn, but I was getting really good 287 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:33,639 Speaker 1: at recovery. Next time on crumbs, Well, I have the 288 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: humility to handle hard things so early in the process. Hey, listeners, 289 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,200 Speaker 1: there's a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in 290 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,639 Speaker 1: this show. If you or someone you know needs help, 291 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 1: you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services 292 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:55,120 Speaker 1: Hotline at twenty eight hundred sixty six y two four 293 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 1: three five seven. 294 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:57,919 Speaker 2: They'll connect you with. 295 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: Information and resources on treatment. There's also the National Suicide 296 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: Prevention Lifeline at TWE eight hundred two seven three ta 297 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 1: al K. Both are available twenty four to seven. You 298 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,880 Speaker 1: don't have to be in crisis to reach out either. 299 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,960 Speaker 1: They're available to anyone who needs help. You can also 300 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty four to seven 301 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:29,159 Speaker 1: at one eight hundred six five six four six seven three. 302 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,320 Speaker 1: Crumbs is a Sonoto production in partnership with Iheart'smikultura Network 303 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 1: and Trojan Horse Media. It's produced by Margaret Catcher and 304 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,880 Speaker 1: Patimi Ragunav and edited by Rodrigo Crespo. 305 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:42,879 Speaker 2: Original music by D. 306 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: Peter Schmidt and engineering by manoel Barra Studio, Recording by 307 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by conil Burne 308 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: and jessav And Says for iHeart, Alex Filmeto, Elizabeth Schuzzo 309 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: and Margaret Catcher. For Trojan Horse, Everitoriano, Joshua Weinstein, per 310 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 1: Sonoro and me emmio LEA special thanks to Marina Cornella. 311 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs and the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 312 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.