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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am your host,

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Speaker 1: and happy freaking twenty one. We are in the new year.

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Speaker 1: We made it. We're here. I'm glad to be here.

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Speaker 1: I don't know about you, guys, but I'm excited to

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Speaker 1: be in the space and have a a new year,

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Speaker 1: not to start fresh, but just to have another month

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Speaker 1: or day or week that I get to spend doing

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Speaker 1: the things that I enjoy doing. So um. I hope

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Speaker 1: you guys had a wonderful holiday or the holiday that

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Speaker 1: you needed to have, and I'm glad that you guys

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Speaker 1: made it. Back to another episode. I want to jump

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Speaker 1: right into the episode because this is one that I've

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Speaker 1: been truly waiting to release for a while. Recorded this

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Speaker 1: about a month ago. It is an episode with one

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Speaker 1: of my favorite authors. Her name is Hannah Brentcher, and

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Speaker 1: I don't even know how to intro this because we

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Speaker 1: talked about it all. I mean, we went everywhere, and

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Speaker 1: I was so grateful for her to be so open.

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Speaker 1: I was able to ask any questions I had answered them.

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Speaker 1: We talked about real stuff. I mean, we had tears,

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Speaker 1: we laughed, truly was a wonderful, wonderful, fruitful, beautiful conversation

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Speaker 1: and we talked about all things mental health, we talked

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Speaker 1: about depression, we talked about faith. It is just a

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Speaker 1: good way to start is listening to this conversation that

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Speaker 1: is so raw and honest. Now, Hannah is an author,

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Speaker 1: and the way I found her was I went on

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Speaker 1: a beach trip about two three years ago. Truly, I

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Speaker 1: have no idea at this point. I feel like was

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Speaker 1: eight years and my friend Kellen, who's been on the

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Speaker 1: podcast before, had her book called Come mat Her Here,

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Speaker 1: and a couple of us actually read that book why

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Speaker 1: when we were on that trip, and it was one

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Speaker 1: that like I'm on a beach trip with my girlfriends

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Speaker 1: and I can't take my eyes off of the pages,

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Speaker 1: like where I can just free like forty pages in

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Speaker 1: thirty minutes. Mean, it was so good. And after that

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Speaker 1: I just started following her. I um subscribe to her

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Speaker 1: newsletter that comes out every Monday. And she has been

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Speaker 1: such a blessing from Afar in my life when it

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Speaker 1: comes to just speaking truth and just learning about faith

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Speaker 1: and life and getting to see her unwrap. I guess

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Speaker 1: is a good word her own mental health struggles in

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Speaker 1: the public and teaching other people what it looks like

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Speaker 1: and what it can sound like. And I mean we

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Speaker 1: talk about all so I don't want to say too much,

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Speaker 1: but she's been an amazing person to follow. If you

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Speaker 1: need positive people in your life on social media or

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Speaker 1: anything or in your inbox, go follow her. She is

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Speaker 1: at Hannah Brentcher and her last name is b r

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Speaker 1: e n c h e Er. So she's amazing, So

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Speaker 1: come at her. Here was the first book I read,

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Speaker 1: and she actually just released, like literally just released like

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Speaker 1: maybe today, her newest book called Fighting Forward, and we

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Speaker 1: talked about it in the conversation too, so I won't

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Speaker 1: give too much, but this book has also been a blessing,

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Speaker 1: ex specially having that as almost like a little cheerleader

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Speaker 1: for me into this new year. I mean, it is

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Speaker 1: these little short pieces that I can digest easily that

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Speaker 1: just give me so much encouragement and hope and sometimes

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Speaker 1: like the kick in the butt that I need. And

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Speaker 1: she does that all while teaching through faith, which is

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Speaker 1: really cool, something that I really value myself as a Christian.

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Speaker 1: But she's awesome, and so anyway, I emailed she agreed

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Speaker 1: to have a conversation with me, and it was awesome.

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Speaker 1: I wish she lived in Nashville because I feel like

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Speaker 1: she would be one of my best friends. And I

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Speaker 1: think guys are like this. So I hope you enjoy it.

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Speaker 1: I hope you find some some nuggets in there. And

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Speaker 1: I hope that you guys go out and get Hannah's

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Speaker 1: new book and enjoy that as well. I want to

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Speaker 1: remind you, guys, Wednesday couch Talks comes out, you can

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Speaker 1: send me questions in at Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com if you have any questions you want

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Speaker 1: me to answer, whether it's about an episode or just

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Speaker 1: something random about life or something mental health related. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and so there's that. It's really I have no announcements,

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Speaker 1: and uh, I hope you guys enjoy this conversation. So

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Speaker 1: here is my talk with Hannah Brencher. I have a

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Speaker 1: very exciting guest that I have been really waiting patiently.

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Speaker 1: Yet I'm patiently um to talk to. Her name is

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Speaker 1: Hannah Brencher. She is a writer, a speaker, a ted talker,

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Speaker 1: a mom and a wife and all around I think

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Speaker 1: good human. So I want to say thank you for

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Speaker 1: being here, Hannah. Thank you for having me. I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited to be here. I was like, I can't wait

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Speaker 1: for this. I just love this subject matter of this podcast. Awesome. Well,

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Speaker 1: thank you. Okay, so we're going to talk about all

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Speaker 1: the things, whereas many things we can talk about in

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Speaker 1: the time we have, but I want to start with

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Speaker 1: you have a new book coming out. I think when

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Speaker 1: this is released, it will be like the day the

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Speaker 1: book comes out ary, Yes, okay, so this will come

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Speaker 1: out January four. This will be jand four. Yeah. So

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Speaker 1: I got a copy and I've been reading it. But

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Speaker 1: I want you because it is a little bit it

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Speaker 1: reads different than your pre obvious books. So I want

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Speaker 1: you to tell us a little bit about that book

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Speaker 1: and what's important and what special about it to you

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Speaker 1: and kind of why you wrote it. Yeah. So it

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Speaker 1: is different, and it's intentionally different from the first two

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Speaker 1: books that I wrote. Especially Come out of Here was

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Speaker 1: very much my story, and I loved that and knew

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Speaker 1: that story needed to be told. But I was really

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Speaker 1: eager to write something like this where it could be

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Speaker 1: just all about the reader. That's what I wanted it

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Speaker 1: to be. I knew I couldn't give people the road

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Speaker 1: map for their life or how to fix it. But

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Speaker 1: I knew that, like because of my own experiences, I

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Speaker 1: have been in places where I have been stuck and

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Speaker 1: unable to move forward, and I think we all have.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of times that's fear holding us back.

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Speaker 1: There's lives holding us back and gun matter here. I

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Speaker 1: dedicated a chapter to that, and I'm like, you got

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Speaker 1: to dedicate a whole book to that, because like it's

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Speaker 1: not a one and done thing. You get over one

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Speaker 1: hurdle and there's another another hurdle. And so I realized

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Speaker 1: in this that a lot of times we're not moving forward,

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Speaker 1: and we don't get to move forward or walk forward

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Speaker 1: or run forward. A lot of times what we have

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Speaker 1: to do is little by little, fight forward. And so

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Speaker 1: I wrote what I called fight Songs. They are these

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Speaker 1: power packed essays, very short and to the point, to

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Speaker 1: hopefully inspire people to get up and get moving and

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Speaker 1: start living their lives rather than being a spectator in

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Speaker 1: the lives of others. Yeah, and I will say I'm

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Speaker 1: not through the whole thing, but I love the way

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Speaker 1: it's written because I'm not somebody who can sit down

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Speaker 1: and read for like hours, and it's like I can

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Speaker 1: read one story at night, and there are specific ones

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Speaker 1: that have already kind of spoken to me, and the

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Speaker 1: one that I don't want to give anything away because

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Speaker 1: I want people to read this, But the one I

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Speaker 1: want to say that I have loved the most so

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Speaker 1: far is that I think it was like myle was

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Speaker 1: at mile one. Yes it's one. If it so good,

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Speaker 1: it's so good, And I think that, I mean, you

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Speaker 1: con write a whole book on that chapter because basically

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Speaker 1: what you're talking about is like you've got to start right,

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Speaker 1: and so many people can't start. So that is just

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Speaker 1: to say the whole book is filled with like just

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Speaker 1: almost like power packed messages that you can sit and

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Speaker 1: get through and take and digest day by day, evening

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Speaker 1: by evening. You don't need to have red chapter nine

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Speaker 1: to get something from chapter ten, or to have Red

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Speaker 1: chapter thirteen to go to fourteen. It's more so like

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Speaker 1: all these different topics. That's what I love about it.

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Speaker 1: It's like I didn't like It's not that I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to tell a story. I tell stories all throughout it,

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Speaker 1: but I was really excited to just be like, where

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Speaker 1: do we need to go and what needs to be helpful?

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Speaker 1: And let's let's hit that. Yeah, okay, So, because you

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Speaker 1: do talk so much about your story and your life

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Speaker 1: and your writing, and I so far only know you

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Speaker 1: from your writing, I would love if you could talk

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Speaker 1: a little bit about more so, I mean all of it,

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to talk about, but really more so

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Speaker 1: your fight with depression. You put out I think it

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Speaker 1: was last week. I could have been the week before,

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Speaker 1: but something on Instagram about coming out of the woods day.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was such a good post. Like,

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Speaker 1: because I literally haven't had any time to even go

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Speaker 1: and comment back to people because it's been so crazy,

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Speaker 1: I did not expect that response from people, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: everyone needs a response. I'm gonna be that weird person

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Speaker 1: that shows up two weeks later to be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: thanks for sharing. They'll appreciate that whatever. But I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about that because you are very open with

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Speaker 1: your story when it comes to mental health. And what

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Speaker 1: I understand is that post represented like, hey, I didn't

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Speaker 1: stay there forever like that happened. I fought through it.

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Speaker 1: It still can come back and forth, but I didn't

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Speaker 1: stay in that dark pit forever. And so I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about and I want to hear from you

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Speaker 1: what depression has looked like for you, what it has

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Speaker 1: felt like for you, and how you've experienced it in

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Speaker 1: your life. I mean to go way back in the

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Speaker 1: trenches when I was born, and I'm kidding, um, I

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Speaker 1: think growing up, I was always a very anxious kid,

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Speaker 1: like anxious about everything, and that has been used to

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Speaker 1: my advantage because it also made me an achiever. But um,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know at the time, like anxiety and depression

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Speaker 1: or like sisters, you know, like one usually leads to

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Speaker 1: the other and vice versa. And so I remember growing

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Speaker 1: up and I always was anxious and we called it queezy,

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Speaker 1: like I'm just queezy. I was queezy about going to school.

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Speaker 1: I was queezy about being on a stage. And I

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Speaker 1: got to the point where I graduated from college. I

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Speaker 1: moved to New York City, and I was living what

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Speaker 1: I thought was supposed to be like my dream life.

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Speaker 1: But very quickly I fell into what I would now

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Speaker 1: call situational depression. And so everything around me, like I

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Speaker 1: had gone from a very small college where everybody knew mine,

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Speaker 1: aim where I knew them, I had vibrant community to

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Speaker 1: the one of the biggest cities in our country, and

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Speaker 1: even though there's so many people, it's a very isolating city.

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Speaker 1: It's very hard to connect with people in New York.

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Speaker 1: Um it's possible, and I made it happen in a

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Speaker 1: lot of ways, but I felt very lonely. I felt

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Speaker 1: very disconnected, and it was just a very like jarring

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Speaker 1: experience to go from where I was to this place

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Speaker 1: in New York. I was living in the Bronx, New York.

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Speaker 1: I was living on the third floor of an immigration center,

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Speaker 1: so like you'd literally come downstairs in the morning and

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Speaker 1: there would be people waiting for the center to open

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Speaker 1: up because somebody had been deported in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the night. Like it was a lot of intense things

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Speaker 1: right in my face and no one. They should have

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Speaker 1: put a therapist in that program with me, but I didn't.

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Speaker 1: And so I call it situational depression because I very

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Speaker 1: much think that the situation I was in is what

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Speaker 1: spurred on the depression and the sadness. And at the

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Speaker 1: same time, I felt a lot of shame about depression.

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Speaker 1: I didn't talk openly about it. I didn't know how

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Speaker 1: to tell my friends and family about it. I think

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Speaker 1: you could probably look at my face and know something

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Speaker 1: is wrong, but I didn't know how to admit, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm not in a very good place right now. And

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Speaker 1: when I moved away from New York and I took

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Speaker 1: a job back home, it was almost like that depression

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Speaker 1: it just left. It was gone. And I thought like

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Speaker 1: it was like the chicken pox. You deal with depression once,

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Speaker 1: you will never deal with it again. That is not true.

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Speaker 1: And so in two thousand and fourteen, I had moved

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Speaker 1: to Atlanta. I had uprooted my life. I was on

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Speaker 1: a new adventure, and everything from the outside of my

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Speaker 1: life looked great. It looked awesome. I was speaking around

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Speaker 1: the country, I was writing books. My first book was

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Speaker 1: about to come out. I had given a ted talk

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Speaker 1: like everything was going for me, and it was everything

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Speaker 1: that the world had kind of told me mattered. So

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Speaker 1: I thought I was doing something right. I wasn't taking

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Speaker 1: care of myself. I would say, I wasn't really having

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Speaker 1: any kind of rest or care or for my well being.

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Speaker 1: And I remember it was November of two thousand and fourteen.

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Speaker 1: I actually like remember where I was. I was at

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Speaker 1: my coworking space. I remember going to a friend and

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Speaker 1: saying to her like, hey, like I'm just not like

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Speaker 1: doing well right now, you know, Like I actually it

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Speaker 1: was like a period of time where I didn't have

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Speaker 1: a lot of work on my plate, and for me,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know how to deal when I didn't have

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Speaker 1: a lot of work on my plate, because that meant

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Speaker 1: I would have to be like alone with my thoughts

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Speaker 1: and I didn't really want to be in that space

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Speaker 1: right And I remember that we went in another room

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Speaker 1: and she was praying for me, and after she prayed

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Speaker 1: for me, she was talking to me, and I don't

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Speaker 1: even remember what she was saying, because all I remember

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Speaker 1: is this sharp pain that came from the top of

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Speaker 1: my head down to my feet, came over my entire body.

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Speaker 1: I actually physically felt it, and from that point forward,

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Speaker 1: it was like I was in a paralysis. Like doctors

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Speaker 1: were trying to figure out what had happened, and the

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Speaker 1: best that they could say was that, like I had

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Speaker 1: a nervous breakdown. I actually was able to meet with

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Speaker 1: a cerebral neurologists like a few years removed from this situation,

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Speaker 1: and he was like, Oh, it's so evident to me

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Speaker 1: what happened to you. He was like, you were going

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Speaker 1: at such a breakneck pace and at the same time, like,

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Speaker 1: we have these two parts of our brain. We have

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Speaker 1: the right side and we had the left side. And

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Speaker 1: he was like, you were leaning so much on emotions

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Speaker 1: and empathy but not physical, practical things and things you

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Speaker 1: needed to do in your life to take care of you,

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Speaker 1: that that side of your brain just shut down completely.

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Speaker 1: It was like the CEO and the CEO and the

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Speaker 1: CFO all quit on the same day, and the only

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Speaker 1: person left to run your brain was the guy in

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Speaker 1: the mail room. And he's like, and the guy in

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Speaker 1: the mail room, you don't want running your brain because

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Speaker 1: he's like chicken little on crack. And it was like

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Speaker 1: that's what happened, Like literally, chicken little on crack was

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Speaker 1: running my brain where I was paranoid about everything. I

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Speaker 1: was fearful of everything. I was having panic attacks. Like

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Speaker 1: it's still so hard for me to explain to people

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Speaker 1: what that was because it was the scariest time of

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Speaker 1: my life. It was the darkest time of my life.

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Speaker 1: And it was very much like I did not feel

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Speaker 1: like I was in control of my own brain, like

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Speaker 1: I wasn't and I almost felt like I would go

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Speaker 1: in and out of these moments of clarity, like I

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Speaker 1: would have these brief moments in my day where I

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Speaker 1: could see everything clearly, where I could know that I

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Speaker 1: was saying this battle, where I felt like my brain

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Speaker 1: and my mind were clear, and then it was only

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Speaker 1: a matter of time before another room nation took me

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Speaker 1: and I was back in the pit. It's the best

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Speaker 1: way that I can describe it. I hope it makes sense,

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Speaker 1: but to the point that I actually started to keep

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Speaker 1: a word document up on my computer, and in the

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Speaker 1: times where I felt clarity, I would write a note

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Speaker 1: to myself so that I would find it when I

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Speaker 1: was back in the pit, and it was like a

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Speaker 1: bread crumb to be like, Hannah, You're gonna come out

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Speaker 1: of this. I saw it clearly, you will come out

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Speaker 1: of this. You've got to keep going because once you're

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Speaker 1: in that pit with those nations, like you're not even

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Speaker 1: thinking rationally, like you're just believing whatever lie is thrown

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Speaker 1: at you next. And so I fought my way through

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Speaker 1: this for four months. It was incredibly dark and incredibly hard.

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Speaker 1: I was hospitalized at one point, and I remember the

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Speaker 1: hospital was one of the times that I felt the

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Speaker 1: most relief because I thought, like, maybe they'll just leave

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Speaker 1: me here, like maybe I can be done and I

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Speaker 1: won't have to do this ever again, I won't have

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Speaker 1: to use my brain again. Because it was the time

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Speaker 1: where I've never been somebody who contemplated suicide. I've never

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Speaker 1: thought it through. But I remember in that hospital bed

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Speaker 1: being like, I get it. I totally get why people

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Speaker 1: do this because I just want the pain to stop.

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Speaker 1: And I'm thankful I didn't give up there. I'm thankful

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Speaker 1: that I decided that I was going to pursue more doctors.

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Speaker 1: I was going to take on medication. I was going

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Speaker 1: to take back my life. But it was not an

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Speaker 1: overnight thing. Um. I slowly but steadily started to rebuild

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Speaker 1: my life. And I had to rebuild my life to

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Speaker 1: look different than how it had looked before. I had

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Speaker 1: to learn to take care of myself. I had to

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Speaker 1: learn to fuel myself differently. I had to accept that

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Speaker 1: I was going to go to therapy regularly, that it

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Speaker 1: wasn't going to be like a one and done thing,

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Speaker 1: and that I might be out of medication for my life.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but I do know that because I

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Speaker 1: take medication today, I'm able to show up and thrive

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Speaker 1: in the way that God needs me to show up

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Speaker 1: and so to me, I look at it and I'm

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Speaker 1: removed from what happened in two thousand and fourteen, but

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Speaker 1: I fight the battle every single day, and I'm thankful

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Speaker 1: for that. I'm thankful that I get this opportunity that

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Speaker 1: sounds weird to be like depression is a gift. I

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Speaker 1: don't necessarily think depression is a gift, but I also

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Speaker 1: think had I not gone through this, I would have

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Speaker 1: never been able to know how to open the door

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Speaker 1: for other people that are stuck in the woods. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: thank you for sharing that one. There's so many I

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00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,120
Speaker 1: was gonna say, there's so many things in there that

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00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,320
Speaker 1: I'm like, yes, yes, yes, Specifically, I want to go

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Speaker 1: back to the beginning because I wonder what it looked

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Speaker 1: like on the outside, because this happened after you had

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Speaker 1: a lot of success quote unquote success and a career,

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Speaker 1: and there's sometimes we can get depressed because things aren't

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Speaker 1: working out the way we want them to work, or

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Speaker 1: we aren't able to rise on certain occasions and get

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Speaker 1: certain like materialistic things we want, and so it feels empty.

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Speaker 1: But you had what I assume on the outside, a

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Speaker 1: lot of quote unquote success, and so what was it

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Speaker 1: like for you to be in that spot before you

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Speaker 1: went to this doctor and explained what's going on in

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Speaker 1: your brain of like why am I feeling this way? Well,

351
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,960
Speaker 1: because it was, I mean honestly, like and this is

352
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,600
Speaker 1: not in like a to your home, to your hornet.

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Speaker 1: It was the most success in the smallest amount of time,

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00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,840
Speaker 1: like giving a Ted talk like that's the ultimate and

355
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,840
Speaker 1: one of six years ago Ted talk like a huge,

356
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:54,359
Speaker 1: huge deal, Yes exactly right when Ted was like yeah,

357
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,520
Speaker 1: and it went online and my life literally flipped upside

358
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Speaker 1: down within a matter of twenty four hours. Book agents,

359
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,520
Speaker 1: movie agents, like everything was happening all of a sudden.

360
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,240
Speaker 1: I went from not speaking at all to speaking everywhere

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Speaker 1: in the country, conferences, colleges. I mean, it was wild

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00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,639
Speaker 1: and it was amazing, but it was almost like I

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00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,080
Speaker 1: think back and I think I experienced a lot of

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00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,280
Speaker 1: that at such a rapid rate and at a young age,

365
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Speaker 1: just to realize it's not there. It's like, if you're

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Speaker 1: striving for that, it's not going to fill you. And

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Speaker 1: like there are definitely ways to be proud of that

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00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,280
Speaker 1: success and proud of working hard, but it won't fill

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Speaker 1: the emptiness inside of you if you feel it's that's

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Speaker 1: something that has to be filled by, to me, planting

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Speaker 1: down some kind of roots, having community around you, having

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Speaker 1: balanced taking care of yourself, or like realizing like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you might experience the success, but you are not the

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Speaker 1: be all end all, and you're not holding the world

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Speaker 1: together because like, yeah, from the outside, it all looked perfect.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was perfect. I thought that would ever

377
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,240
Speaker 1: this emptiness was that was kind of looming in the background.

378
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,719
Speaker 1: I'm like, maybe we all just feel it, you know.

379
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,480
Speaker 1: But I just remember having this very crazy experience too

380
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Speaker 1: after everything broke and I had been in it for

381
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,280
Speaker 1: a few months, and I went to the hospital and

382
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,520
Speaker 1: then they told me to go to an inpatient program

383
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,000
Speaker 1: in Connecticut. Now I was living in Atlanta at the time,

384
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,480
Speaker 1: but I was basically fighting for my life in Connecticut

385
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Speaker 1: because that's where my family was. My mom was there,

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Speaker 1: my friends that knew me were there. I moved to

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00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: Atlanta and not planted any roots down, so I couldn't

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00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,680
Speaker 1: be surprised that these people didn't know how to fight

389
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:36,000
Speaker 1: through this life threatening thing with me. But I remember

390
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:40,280
Speaker 1: sitting in the waiting room of this impatient program and

391
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:43,880
Speaker 1: I just wanted to scream because I wanted to be like,

392
00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:48,760
Speaker 1: why am I here? Like what is going on? Like I, y'all,

393
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 1: I'm successful, I'm doing things like I don't need to

394
00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:56,160
Speaker 1: be here right now, but like that wouldn't have made

395
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Speaker 1: any difference. That wasn't the right perspective at that time.

396
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,640
Speaker 1: But I just remember being like how did I get here?

397
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,119
Speaker 1: And I kept trying to explain to every doctor like no, no,

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00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,440
Speaker 1: you don't understand, like I swear like I'm a functioning

399
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 1: adils I do these things, you know, Like I wanted

400
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,280
Speaker 1: to prove myself. And there was this one doctor at

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00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,000
Speaker 1: the end of that day because we went from office

402
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,119
Speaker 1: to office to paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, and I told my

403
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,880
Speaker 1: mom like, I'm not doing this. I don't know why

404
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,520
Speaker 1: you guys have me here. I'm not doing this. I

405
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,640
Speaker 1: have a therapistally, and I'm not going to be here

406
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,399
Speaker 1: in this program. Like the therapist that they paired me was.

407
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,480
Speaker 1: She was not empathetic at all, she was not nice

408
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,360
Speaker 1: at all. I was like, I don't know why we're here,

409
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,639
Speaker 1: but fine, we'll follow through. And we get to the

410
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,879
Speaker 1: end of the day to this woman who is basically

411
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,920
Speaker 1: I don't know going to diagnose me. I'm not even

412
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 1: sure what was happening at that point, but she had

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00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,359
Speaker 1: me like explain a little bit about my life. And

414
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,480
Speaker 1: so I'm telling her all this about my life, and

415
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,440
Speaker 1: you know, I'm like puffing it up real big, because

416
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,040
Speaker 1: like I got, I gotta let her know, like I'm good,

417
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 1: I'm good. And she was just like, oh, well, like

418
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,840
Speaker 1: I could have seen that crash coming from a mile away.

419
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,160
Speaker 1: Girl like you are. You are taking on way too

420
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 1: much in a way short amount of time, and you're

421
00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,359
Speaker 1: just your capacity broke, like you just broke. And you know,

422
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,119
Speaker 1: we came up with some solutions after that, and I

423
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,960
Speaker 1: would say after that point that was when it started

424
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:21,560
Speaker 1: to like move slowly upwards. I started some like clearing

425
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,719
Speaker 1: in the woods, you know, but I don't even know,

426
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,920
Speaker 1: like I just well, you bring up something that's really

427
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,160
Speaker 1: important I think to talk about, and that is hustle culture.

428
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,679
Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear your perspective on this, because

429
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,800
Speaker 1: there is so much of that right now, so much

430
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 1: I'm seeing a little bit of decline of that, like power, hustle,

431
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,160
Speaker 1: do the work, don't take a break, but a lot

432
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,159
Speaker 1: of especially even self help kind of stuff is like

433
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,560
Speaker 1: hustle culture, like go do it, like, get up and

434
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: go make it happen. And so what is it like

435
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,439
Speaker 1: that might have been the height of hustle culture, Like

436
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,840
Speaker 1: what is that like? Yeah? Yeah, what is it like?

437
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:02,679
Speaker 1: Hustle culture the crime of both? So what is it

438
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,399
Speaker 1: like for somebody to be struggling with depression and the

439
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,120
Speaker 1: crash of hustle? I mean the hustle culture didn't work

440
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: for you? You did it? Yeah? Yeah. Hustle culture is

441
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 1: interesting to me because there is still part of me

442
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,640
Speaker 1: that loves the hustle. I love it. I don't think

443
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,679
Speaker 1: we need to glorify it. And I think, yeah, you

444
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: can hustle all you want, but like you gotta know

445
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:27,400
Speaker 1: that hustling does not just mean work. It's like you

446
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,760
Speaker 1: need to take care of all these aspects of you

447
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,439
Speaker 1: because like right now, like I am in one of

448
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,680
Speaker 1: the busiest seasons of my life, and there have been

449
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,880
Speaker 1: a few moments where I've said to my husband, I

450
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 1: feel like I cannot breathe right now. But then I

451
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,200
Speaker 1: recenter myself and I remember, Okay, here are the things

452
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,119
Speaker 1: that are on my list. Here are the ways that

453
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,480
Speaker 1: I'm taking care of myself, And these ways that I'm

454
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,000
Speaker 1: taking care of myself, they have to come first. I

455
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 1: want to do any of this stuff, I need to

456
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,720
Speaker 1: do these things first. And for me, those are my

457
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 1: foundational tools. That's my fueling my body with the right foods,

458
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,239
Speaker 1: daying hydrated, getting my work out, in being in the

459
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,600
Speaker 1: word of God, staying surrounded by my community. Those are

460
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 1: my pillars. And I didn't have those before. I just

461
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,560
Speaker 1: had my hustle, and I wondered why I wasn't fueled.

462
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,160
Speaker 1: And so I think that like I kind of tow

463
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 1: a line because I also don't resonate with the culture

464
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 1: that's like I'm a stay in bed because it's like

465
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 1: get up and something, you know, like we can't be

466
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,359
Speaker 1: all or nothing in the yeah, And and that's I

467
00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:31,600
Speaker 1: think that. I mean, there's a whole other avenue of

468
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 1: like it's black or white. It's like you're doing everything,

469
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 1: are you doing nothing? And exactly And I'm more so

470
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,640
Speaker 1: like we got work to do. We got to get

471
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,560
Speaker 1: some things done. But also it's not gonna matter if

472
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,560
Speaker 1: you lose yourself in the process, if you don't know

473
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 1: how to take care of yourself. And so like I

474
00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 1: might have a busy day a busy week, and I

475
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: still am like okay, but like, how can I feel

476
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 1: my body today? I don't want to do this workout,

477
00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna see my therapist,

478
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my medication. All of these things they

479
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 1: matter if I want to show up at full capacity.

480
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,920
Speaker 1: And I found that, like by doing those things that

481
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,840
Speaker 1: like might quote unquote like take hours out of your day, No,

482
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,119
Speaker 1: like they just actually expand the amount of capacity and

483
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 1: time that you have. Or it turns out that you

484
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:21,360
Speaker 1: don't need nearly as much time to work efficiently as

485
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: you did because you're fueling your brain, You're fueling you know,

486
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 1: like you're taking care of yourself. You can actually operate

487
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,440
Speaker 1: at a higher capacity, be more efficient in less time,

488
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,439
Speaker 1: so that you have time to take a break, rest,

489
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,920
Speaker 1: be with your family, whatever it is that fuels you up. Yeah.

490
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,399
Speaker 1: I love that perspective, and hopefully we can influence some

491
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 1: people to take that on because we are in this

492
00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 1: black or white. I wonder for you to go back

493
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,760
Speaker 1: to how you even got to the hospital, Like I

494
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 1: want to go back and hear what brought you to

495
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,919
Speaker 1: that level of I need help? Were you aware? Was

496
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,800
Speaker 1: it somebody telling you to go. How did you get there?

497
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,760
Speaker 1: Other people sent me to the people showed up at

498
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 1: my house and was like, she needs to go to aspittle,

499
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 1: Like they told my mom, you gotta drive to the hospital.

500
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,159
Speaker 1: Like we were scared, you know, and not scared in

501
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,159
Speaker 1: the sense of like I wasn't gonna do anything crazy,

502
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 1: but we had we tried everything else. I was seeing

503
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 1: a therapist, and there's only so much you can see

504
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,359
Speaker 1: a therapist. I wish you could like like lock yourself

505
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:26,879
Speaker 1: in a room with them for six hours in the

506
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,360
Speaker 1: day and like really deal with some stuff. Um, but

507
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:34,480
Speaker 1: like we had exhausted our efforts and there was nothing changing.

508
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,359
Speaker 1: And I mean I was pumped to go to the hospital.

509
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,399
Speaker 1: I know that sounds so weird, but I remember getting

510
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,240
Speaker 1: into that room and feeling like maybe somebody's going to

511
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 1: take care of me now, Like maybe I can just

512
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 1: shut off my brain for a little bit. Like I

513
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 1: get emotional because my brain was just so tired, and

514
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,960
Speaker 1: I felt like I was in such a dark space.

515
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 1: I didn't know at the time, like the science behind ruminations,

516
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,920
Speaker 1: you know. And I was exhausted and I just wanted

517
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,960
Speaker 1: somebody to be able to just lift that off of

518
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,520
Speaker 1: me and be like you don't need to move, you

519
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,760
Speaker 1: don't need to do anything. You can just give up.

520
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,439
Speaker 1: And of course they didn't give me that option. They

521
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,400
Speaker 1: just gave me a really expensive bill. But but I

522
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: think that, like I look at my journey and I

523
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: look at like the different things that happened, and like,

524
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,719
Speaker 1: not all of it makes sense, you know, like that

525
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,159
Speaker 1: hospital visit, all of that, Like I look back and

526
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't even know what the purpose of

527
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 1: that was, but it all led me to the recovery

528
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: that I experienced, you know, And I think that there's

529
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,199
Speaker 1: no shame in going to a hospital. There's no shame

530
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,880
Speaker 1: in asking for help, you know. And I think that's

531
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 1: what I didn't know how to do. I knew how

532
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 1: to ask for help to an extent, but like I

533
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,879
Speaker 1: was not the person to say I have to go

534
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,359
Speaker 1: to the hospital. It was people that were like, hey, like,

535
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,160
Speaker 1: because we love you, we want to go figure out,

536
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: like what's what's going on. You've been to doctors, And

537
00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:58,639
Speaker 1: I had doctors too that like we're gosh, like giving

538
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 1: me all kinds of medications that I really wish somebody

539
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 1: had vetted or been like hey, because like at one

540
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 1: point a doctor or gave me Benzo's and I didn't

541
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 1: know anything about benzos except that like my brother, who

542
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,920
Speaker 1: has been an addict for the last seventeen years, was

543
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 1: addicted to benzos, you know, and so what no one

544
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 1: told me about them is that you would take a

545
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 1: pill and you would calm down, but then the crash

546
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,720
Speaker 1: was like ten times harder. And so I was self

547
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 1: sabotaging in that way of like I just was doing

548
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 1: the best I could to just maintain. And so meeting

549
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 1: in Connecticut and me choosing to go to the hospital

550
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 1: and then like entertain this idea of an impatient program,

551
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 1: was me sing I'm willing to stay in one place

552
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,280
Speaker 1: and do the work to figure this out, because yeah,

553
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:46,040
Speaker 1: it was just a lot of craziness, and you know,

554
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,640
Speaker 1: you talked about like voices and just how your brain

555
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 1: didn't it was like the malman was running your brain,

556
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 1: like it just wasn't you. And so one I just

557
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 1: want to make the point to say to everybody listening,

558
00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 1: this is a very weirdly beautiful, I don't really know

559
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 1: how to call it. Picture of successful people needing help

560
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 1: to and people that are doing well and getting their

561
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: reaching their goals. We need we all need help, and

562
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,880
Speaker 1: there's no shame in that. We're all human. No matter

563
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 1: how successful you are, you're still a human being. Doesn't

564
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,120
Speaker 1: make you weak, No, no, not at all. And I

565
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:24,159
Speaker 1: want to know what voices the Maleman guy hadn't running

566
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,679
Speaker 1: through your brain? Right? So you always had anxiety, you

567
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 1: always had that you knew and so was this a

568
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,879
Speaker 1: totally different voice or is it like a louder version

569
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,920
Speaker 1: of some of those voices? And what did they say? Yeah,

570
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 1: it was like anxiety on like steroids. You know, everything,

571
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: every lie that you could imagine suddenly just like popping

572
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: up all over the place. So yeah, like it was

573
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,719
Speaker 1: the standard things of like you don't matter, it doesn't

574
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 1: matter that you're here, you don't need to be here,

575
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 1: you're not enough, all of that, but like it was

576
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,640
Speaker 1: the only thing that I could here. And I think

577
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,960
Speaker 1: that and like this is something I actually do not

578
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:06,920
Speaker 1: talk about a lot. We're going to go there, right, Okay,

579
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,719
Speaker 1: I want to go there. I think what happens is

580
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 1: that anxiety and fear. And I'm not a professional, so

581
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: I cannot say that this is what happens. You can

582
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: let me know, But I think that like ruminations, you

583
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 1: can fixate on a certain thing and you can become

584
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 1: obsessed with that thing, and it will take you all

585
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: the way down, right. And so at the time, I

586
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 1: had just finished writing my first book, and that book

587
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: had been my obsession. I poured all my energy into

588
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: it because it was the only thing I had ever

589
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 1: wanted to do my whole entire life was write a book.

590
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,520
Speaker 1: So I mean I was up with the sun writing

591
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,719
Speaker 1: that book. Sun went down still writing that book, and

592
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: then I let it go. I gave it to the editor,

593
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 1: and it was over and there was nothing left for

594
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:53,480
Speaker 1: me to do. Very soon after that, depression came on,

595
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 1: and so for me it was a lot of these

596
00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,240
Speaker 1: lies and these fears. But there was also this obsession

597
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 1: that something was wrong with the book. I didn't know

598
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 1: what it was, but I would spend hours trying to

599
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: figure it out. Like I lost hours in a single

600
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 1: day just sitting there trying to figure it out. And

601
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 1: I had people around me being like, Hannah, it has

602
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 1: nothing to do with the book. The book is over,

603
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:24,920
Speaker 1: the book is done. Me to let it go. But

604
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 1: anyone nay, this ever felt of rumination. It's like you

605
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,280
Speaker 1: have to obsess on this one thing. And the thing

606
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: about ruminations is that they're not problems you can solve,

607
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: but you're vincy you can solve them. Um. And so

608
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 1: what's so interesting about that is that for weeks I

609
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 1: was obsessed with that book and figuring out what was

610
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 1: wrong with it, to the point that now that book

611
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:46,880
Speaker 1: is out there in the world, it has blessed many people.

612
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 1: I still to this day have a hard time looking

613
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: at it. I have a hard time going back and

614
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,600
Speaker 1: reading through it because it was associated with that very

615
00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: dark depression. And I know there's nothing wrong with the book,

616
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: but like you spent so much time I'm ripping something apart,

617
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,000
Speaker 1: you feel like you have nothing left at the end

618
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 1: of it. And so that that's something that a lot

619
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 1: of people do not know, and that's something that honestly

620
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,320
Speaker 1: like talking about it. You feel a little bit like mad.

621
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 1: But the brain is such a powerful thing that I

622
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: think I don't have any rationale for why it was

623
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 1: like that. That's just the reality of what was happening

624
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,239
Speaker 1: for me. When when you say I feel mad, what

625
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: is the mad? Say? Like, what are you mad for?

626
00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 1: Mad about? No? I mean like mad isn't like kind

627
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,680
Speaker 1: of like mad hatter like crazy, but I like to

628
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: say the word crazy because I don't want anyone to Yeah,

629
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 1: so I said, mad, Okay, I'm like okay, well, okay,

630
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:43,080
Speaker 1: so totally. And that is something that can be looked

631
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,520
Speaker 1: at across so many different avenues of our lives if

632
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,440
Speaker 1: we think something enough and we tell a story to

633
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,480
Speaker 1: ourselves enough times, which that's what you're doing with that rumination.

634
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: Something's wrong with the book, something's wrong with the book,

635
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: something's wrong with the book. You better believe you're going

636
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: to think something's wrong with the book. And that's this.

637
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 1: We can do that to our bodies. Something's wrong with

638
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 1: my body, something's wrong with my body. Nobody will love me,

639
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: Nobody will love me. Whatever we tell ourselves over and

640
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,560
Speaker 1: over again is what we end up believing, and we

641
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: create stories. There's two sides to that. That's awesome and

642
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,240
Speaker 1: one side because I can tell myself I'm great, I

643
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 1: can tell myself I'm beautiful, I can tell myself that

644
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: people love me and I'm wanted, but for some reason,

645
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:29,240
Speaker 1: that's usually not what we do. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

646
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:32,680
Speaker 1: And so we can tell ourselves any story, but a

647
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 1: lot of times we're telling ourselves the story that something's

648
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: wrong with us or there's something wrong with what we've done,

649
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: which makes me think of I learned this as an intern.

650
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: I was reading one of Burnet Brown's books. I don't

651
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:47,400
Speaker 1: know how long ago, and I don't even know which

652
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:50,760
Speaker 1: of her books it was, but she talked about how

653
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: we get dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in

654
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:57,320
Speaker 1: our bodies and our brains when we figure things out.

655
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,480
Speaker 1: And so what we do is we're meaning me people.

656
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: Humans like stories, and we like to have our stories

657
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,000
Speaker 1: to have an ending. And so we figure things out

658
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 1: and we make up reasons for things, and we make

659
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,800
Speaker 1: up ends of stories that quite possibly are not true

660
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,760
Speaker 1: because it feels good when we figure it out. The

661
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 1: problem is just like the medication. It's great, and then

662
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 1: the come down so bad, Well, something else is going

663
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,400
Speaker 1: to come in that place. Once I had solved a rumination,

664
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 1: another one always popped up until I got smart and

665
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 1: was like, whoa, this is going to keep happening until

666
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 1: I tear apart my whole entire life, right yes, because

667
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: it's like something's wrong with the book. Okay, now have

668
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,480
Speaker 1: to do something to fix that. And then what and

669
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,840
Speaker 1: we do that? With the example, I always give to

670
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: people is because a lot of the I see mostly women,

671
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 1: and um, they're like twenties, thirties, forties, a lot of

672
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 1: them struggling with relationships and all of that. And it's

673
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,000
Speaker 1: like when you're texting somebody, you're texting a guy. You're

674
00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:57,040
Speaker 1: talking to a guy specifically, maybe on a dating app,

675
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: because that's what we do these days. And it's a

676
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: back and fourth and we're talking and we're it's great

677
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,880
Speaker 1: and we're like getting along and then you say something

678
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,240
Speaker 1: and he has the dot dot dots and then they

679
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: go away, Yeah he didn't and then he doesn't finish.

680
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:12,160
Speaker 1: You never hear from him, and it's like an hour

681
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,319
Speaker 1: goes by, and then another hour goes by, and then

682
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 1: you start thinking, what did I do? Well? Did I say?

683
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: It was my punctuation weird? Like should I not have

684
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:20,640
Speaker 1: said that? Wasn't not funny? Do you think he understood

685
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:24,360
Speaker 1: what I said? In reality? Like maybe he's like in

686
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 1: the shower, maybe he got a phone call from his mom,

687
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,000
Speaker 1: maybe he dropped his phone and the toy. Who knows,

688
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 1: he could be doing anything, But we gravitate to the

689
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,279
Speaker 1: story that says something is wrong with us. Well, and

690
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 1: I've already been somebody who's prone to do that in

691
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:42,120
Speaker 1: daily life, not in the relationship set, like I'm in

692
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,720
Speaker 1: a very happy marriage, but like I'll be the person

693
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 1: that will like be at like a friend's house or

694
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,480
Speaker 1: whatever and we're having like deep conversation and I'm vulnerable.

695
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 1: I'm just a vulnerable person. But then I'll leave and

696
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,200
Speaker 1: I'll be like should I have said that? Like should

697
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:57,759
Speaker 1: I have said that? You know? And then you text

698
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,480
Speaker 1: the person to be like, hey, I'm so sorry if

699
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:02,160
Speaker 1: I said something, you know, and like every friend always

700
00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 1: comes back and it's like what are you talking about?

701
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,520
Speaker 1: Like stop, just stop. But like I'll overthink things, and

702
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: so I think when your brain is not in a

703
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,440
Speaker 1: good place like mine wasn't, it was like what I

704
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 1: normally would do just on overdrive, you know. I think

705
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,520
Speaker 1: so so many of us are like that. We like

706
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: get really vulnerable and then we're like and then we

707
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,239
Speaker 1: have shame for being vulnerable. Yeah I should have done

708
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: that when like the world really needs more of that,

709
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,000
Speaker 1: Like that's what people are really texting you after the

710
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: podcast and I'm like, oh gosh, you know, like can

711
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,479
Speaker 1: we take all of that out? But if I've done

712
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 1: that I've done. The first time I recorded it was

713
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,200
Speaker 1: the very beginning of this podcast, and I will put

714
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,200
Speaker 1: my story parts of pieces of my story on my

715
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 1: Instagram and stuff like that, and my friends can know things.

716
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 1: But I recorded an episode where somebody was asking me

717
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:55,759
Speaker 1: about my life, and I spent days chopping it up

718
00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:59,400
Speaker 1: and moving things around, taking things out, and then I

719
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:01,560
Speaker 1: and then I'm can actually can we redo it? And

720
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:04,240
Speaker 1: so we sat down to redo it. We start recording,

721
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,880
Speaker 1: and my friend was like, I'm not doing this. She

722
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,160
Speaker 1: was like, this is so inauthentic. There's nothing wrong with

723
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:13,280
Speaker 1: what we did the first time. You just need to relax.

724
00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, And then end of the great yes, right,

725
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:22,160
Speaker 1: And I love that we we connected that way back

726
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: on track, I want to know what you wish most

727
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 1: people knew about mental health or depression. What do you

728
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 1: think out there is either a myth or what do

729
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,399
Speaker 1: you think more people understood. Coming from a place where

730
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,400
Speaker 1: I've been through the trenches of it, I mean, that's

731
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: a great question. It's really hard. I don't know. I

732
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:41,960
Speaker 1: think it's a great thing that we are, maybe more

733
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,719
Speaker 1: so shining a light on mental health. Like I'm glad

734
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 1: that we're talking about it more. You know, ten years ago,

735
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,480
Speaker 1: when I first felt with depression, I didn't feel like

736
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,399
Speaker 1: it was talked about at all. I think though, at

737
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,960
Speaker 1: the same time, like I wish that maybe we had

738
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,239
Speaker 1: some better language to communicate what it is that we're

739
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: feeling because a lot of bull in daily life, or

740
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,239
Speaker 1: just like I'm depressed, I'm depressed. I'm depressed, and like

741
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,879
Speaker 1: depression is a real thing, Like it's a very real thing,

742
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 1: and it was something that I thought was going to

743
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,439
Speaker 1: like take my life or be the end of my life.

744
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: And I would love to have language to be able

745
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: to find those people that are really struggling. It is

746
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 1: not to belittle what anybody is going through, but like

747
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 1: there are people whose lives are hanging in the balance,

748
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,319
Speaker 1: who are in the same spot that I was in

749
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,879
Speaker 1: where I was like I don't know how to get

750
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:31,120
Speaker 1: out and I am scared for my life. And the

751
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 1: more that we just use language to just be like

752
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:37,000
Speaker 1: I feel depressed today, you know, it's a there's a

753
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:41,040
Speaker 1: difference like between that depression and then that severe depression.

754
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,040
Speaker 1: So that's something just off the top of my head.

755
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 1: But I mean I think too that like I also

756
00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:48,520
Speaker 1: have seen this thing, and I've seen it in the

757
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 1: last few years, and I find it to be really

758
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 1: interesting that a lot of times we take something like

759
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: depression or anxiety and we build an identity out of it.

760
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 1: And to me, that's fascinating because I would never want

761
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,319
Speaker 1: to say that my anxiety, like my anxiety is my

762
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:08,839
Speaker 1: defining factor, or depression is my defining factor. And I

763
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 1: think we have to be really careful with that because

764
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,400
Speaker 1: in a lot of ways we are saying, like the

765
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,319
Speaker 1: essence of me and the core of me is that

766
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:19,680
Speaker 1: I'm stuck in a depressive pit, and it's fine to

767
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: identify with that. I will tell anyone I deal with depression.

768
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:27,919
Speaker 1: But again, my language that I use is very intentional.

769
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 1: I don't say I struggle with depression. I say I

770
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 1: deal with depression. That is something that I do every

771
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:38,640
Speaker 1: single day, and it means that I, as much as

772
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: depression is a hard thing in my life, it doesn't

773
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:44,600
Speaker 1: take my identity. It is not who I am. I

774
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:47,960
Speaker 1: bring way more to the table than my mental illness.

775
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:50,960
Speaker 1: And I find it interesting to find people who's like

776
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:55,760
Speaker 1: depression is their Instagram bio depression is how they identify

777
00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: themselves on Twitter and I want to say, like, no,

778
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,280
Speaker 1: don't give it that credit, Like, can't give it that credit.

779
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 1: Like it's a hard battle, yes, and you should tell

780
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:07,359
Speaker 1: your story, but like there is far more for you

781
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 1: in this lifetime than your depression. And so I always

782
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,279
Speaker 1: have to kind of tow that line because I know

783
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 1: people love that I talk about mental health, but like,

784
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, I am not my depression.

785
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,359
Speaker 1: Like my depression does not have that hold on me.

786
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:25,480
Speaker 1: That's not where your story starts or ends. Yeah, but

787
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 1: a lot of people let it stay there, and they

788
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: stay in that depression for years. And I would want

789
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:32,880
Speaker 1: somebody to know, like, you can get out of this.

790
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 1: I believe that you can get out of this. And

791
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,200
Speaker 1: they're gonna be good days and hard days, and maybe

792
00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:41,320
Speaker 1: you try different medications and one works and one doesn't work,

793
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,399
Speaker 1: but like you have to keep making those steps. When

794
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,360
Speaker 1: I think that, I see that all the time, all

795
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 1: of the time. I saw it a lot when I

796
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,239
Speaker 1: worked in a residential treatment center, when people it was

797
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 1: just like it's not that they didn't want to get

798
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:59,759
Speaker 1: out of something, but you somewhat become addicted to it. Ye,

799
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: because for some people gives them certain things. It might

800
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,480
Speaker 1: give them. And this is not to say this is

801
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:08,320
Speaker 1: what everybody does, but I have seen where it gives

802
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,200
Speaker 1: somebody an identity where they haven't had an identity. It

803
00:40:11,239 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: gives somebody a way to get connection because people are

804
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:17,680
Speaker 1: worried about them, or it allows people to not do

805
00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:20,600
Speaker 1: the hard, scary thing that's been looming in the back

806
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: of their head forever, and so we get addicted it.

807
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,360
Speaker 1: It's so backwards, and people are so confused when I

808
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 1: bring it up to them because they're like, what, No,

809
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,439
Speaker 1: I would never do that. I would never want this,

810
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, I think you might, because I

811
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,600
Speaker 1: think it might be giving you something or helping you

812
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,799
Speaker 1: do something that you think you can't do. Without this,

813
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,759
Speaker 1: it can operate as a really great excuse too, and

814
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: like not to like belittle where people are on the map,

815
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,080
Speaker 1: Like it would be much easier to say, well, I

816
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: don't I have depression, so I can't do this. I

817
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 1: think so I can't get on stage and like, I

818
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:56,440
Speaker 1: mean I speak around the country all the time, well

819
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 1: not in the COVID world, but you know what I mean,

820
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 1: and I people to know, like I have pretty big

821
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,880
Speaker 1: anxiety when it comes to being on stage. There. I

822
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 1: would rather be anywhere else in the world than on stage.

823
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:10,120
Speaker 1: But just because I have that anxiety does not mean

824
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:13,080
Speaker 1: that anxiety is going to change the outcome of what

825
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 1: I intend to do. I will still show up, I

826
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,240
Speaker 1: will still do what I am called to do, because

827
00:41:18,239 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 1: that anxiety does not get to have the final say yeah,

828
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,799
Speaker 1: like it's not if you're not letting it be somewhat

829
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 1: of a robber. And I look at anxiety a lot

830
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 1: of times as it it's a fancy word for fear

831
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:31,799
Speaker 1: for some people. That's how it operates, and when we

832
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,920
Speaker 1: feel fear around things that we care about. So I

833
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 1: have more anxiety than most people I know, but I'm

834
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: the same way of like what am I gonna do?

835
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:42,879
Speaker 1: Not do anything, or or look at it as I'm

836
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:49,920
Speaker 1: scared of this because it is so important to me anyway, Yeah, yeah, totally.

837
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 1: So I love that. And then the other part you

838
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:54,160
Speaker 1: said right before that when you're talking about you almost

839
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:57,399
Speaker 1: using those words too much right now, it's like it's

840
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,839
Speaker 1: funny and I enjoy parts of it on social media,

841
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: like anxiety is a big joke, Like it's just a

842
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 1: it's one big meme joke. And I like that we're

843
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,879
Speaker 1: talking about it, and I like that we're talking about

844
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,800
Speaker 1: depression anxiety at the same time. There's a difference between

845
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:18,200
Speaker 1: feelings and a mental illness, and it's not a fine line,

846
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 1: like everybody has feelings and not everybody suffers from anxiety

847
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,440
Speaker 1: and depression. And so I agree with you, uh, and

848
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:28,040
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to change that. I don't

849
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:31,359
Speaker 1: know how to fix that, but I totally agree with

850
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 1: you there. And for you, how do you identify the

851
00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:38,520
Speaker 1: difference between being somebody who has struggled with you have

852
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,239
Speaker 1: feelings and then you've also been in this realm of

853
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:45,919
Speaker 1: I'm suffering from depression and real clinical anxiety. How have

854
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,640
Speaker 1: you been able to differentiate between I'm sad and this

855
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:51,560
Speaker 1: is more than sadness. I mean, I think at the

856
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,080
Speaker 1: end of the day, like to me, the outcomes, they're

857
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,040
Speaker 1: both the same of what I need to show up

858
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: to do. Um, like that doesn't change. So like, for instance,

859
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:03,319
Speaker 1: I had baby seven months ago, and I knew I

860
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:06,640
Speaker 1: was at a much higher rate for postpartum depression and

861
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:10,880
Speaker 1: your hormones are up there, down there everywhere, and I prepared,

862
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 1: I kind of like created my battle plan for like

863
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,440
Speaker 1: what's going to happen if I do have postpartum, and

864
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:18,719
Speaker 1: like if you when you have a baby, like they'll

865
00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:20,880
Speaker 1: give you all these like like they'll give you like

866
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,000
Speaker 1: this timeline of like on day five to seven, you

867
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:26,680
Speaker 1: might feel this and da dada. So I was in

868
00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:30,520
Speaker 1: that part where this was the these are the days

869
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,680
Speaker 1: where you're going to cry the most and you're just

870
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,640
Speaker 1: gonna cry for no reason at all, and like I

871
00:43:35,719 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 1: remember those days because I was terrified of like is

872
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:42,279
Speaker 1: this it? Do I have postpartum? Like am I in this?

873
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:44,360
Speaker 1: Like are we going to do this for the next

874
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:47,839
Speaker 1: seven eight weeks? Because I'm not somebody who like then,

875
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,800
Speaker 1: I'll say this very openly. I was not somebody who

876
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:54,920
Speaker 1: immediately norbally came out of me. They put her on

877
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:56,880
Speaker 1: top of me, and I felt all the love in

878
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:59,719
Speaker 1: the world. That didn't happen for me. Um, it was

879
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: more like, what the heck just happened? Like I just

880
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 1: had a baby, and that was very traumatic, and I

881
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:10,400
Speaker 1: felt guilty the first few weeks of her life that

882
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:13,759
Speaker 1: I was not obsessed with her, that every breath she

883
00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:17,240
Speaker 1: took wasn't like the most radiant thing I'd ever experienced.

884
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:20,919
Speaker 1: But I talked to a lot of friends that being

885
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:24,279
Speaker 1: able to have these conversations. I was realizing, oh wait, no,

886
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 1: like I'm in the right place. We just don't have

887
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,120
Speaker 1: these conversations. We just don't talk about this that like,

888
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:33,799
Speaker 1: my love for her will grow over time, just as

889
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 1: it does other humans. Like it was actually my therapist

890
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: that was the one that gave me the most clarity

891
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: on that. And She's like, if you came to me

892
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: and you were like, I'm obsessed with my baby, I

893
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:47,319
Speaker 1: would probably say, what's going on really, because that's not

894
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,920
Speaker 1: how you approach anything in life, any relationship that you have,

895
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,000
Speaker 1: It is a slow build over time. So why would

896
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 1: you expect for this to be different. I'm so glad

897
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: you said that. I'm so glad you said that because

898
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 1: nobody talks about that. Nobody people will talk about I

899
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 1: think people will somewhat, we'll talk about postpartum. But to

900
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,200
Speaker 1: be able to say I didn't feel that thing that

901
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,719
Speaker 1: we're quote unquote supposed to feel, the thing that we

902
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 1: write the Instagram caption about. She came and I've never

903
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,319
Speaker 1: felt a love like this. And I was like, did

904
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:19,080
Speaker 1: I do something wrong? Because like, I love her, for sure,

905
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 1: I love her, but like I am very much kind

906
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: of like, what is happening. I'm not sleeping, my body

907
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:27,640
Speaker 1: does not look like my body. There's a lot going

908
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,560
Speaker 1: on there. What's it like for you to say that,

909
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:32,960
Speaker 1: to say, to admit all of that, Yeah, I mean,

910
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:34,799
Speaker 1: you've processed it with a therapist. But what's it like

911
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:36,800
Speaker 1: for you to say that? I mean, I feel like

912
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,200
Speaker 1: I guess good. I mean, I think to like, I

913
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: I still know like this is one of the first

914
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:45,760
Speaker 1: times that I've actually like vocalized that. And I've learned

915
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,840
Speaker 1: throughout my journey of motherhood that if I just say

916
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:51,640
Speaker 1: what I'm honestly feeling and what I felt the whole

917
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:54,279
Speaker 1: time and just been honest, I actually I'm giving a

918
00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: lot of people permission to feel like they can do

919
00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: the same. And that's been very surprised thing to me.

920
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,279
Speaker 1: I guess because for me, having been somebody who deals

921
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:06,719
Speaker 1: with depression when I'm at a higher rate for postpartum,

922
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:10,120
Speaker 1: I planned for what it was gonna look like afterwards.

923
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 1: I'm somebody who you know, I made the decision not

924
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,440
Speaker 1: to breastfeed, not because don't believe in the benefits of breastfeeding,

925
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:20,200
Speaker 1: but because I believed that was actually going to be

926
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:24,440
Speaker 1: a very stifling, unhealthy experience for me, that I was

927
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:28,399
Speaker 1: gonna feel very isolated, and I every day I am

928
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:31,400
Speaker 1: so thankful I knew myself enough to make that choice.

929
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,959
Speaker 1: And if anything, I would say to moms, like, make

930
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 1: the choice that is going to allow you to show

931
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:39,239
Speaker 1: up to be the best version of yourself for that baby,

932
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:43,640
Speaker 1: because America is one of the only countries that like

933
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,839
Speaker 1: puts the mom in the background, like in all these

934
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,400
Speaker 1: other countries, we pay attention to the fact that you

935
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:53,560
Speaker 1: just carried a life for nine months. If you don't

936
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,520
Speaker 1: think that's going to have an effect on your body,

937
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:59,880
Speaker 1: your hormones, your well being, Like, we need more support

938
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,240
Speaker 1: for moms in that. And I think that, like maybe

939
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 1: because when I was at that point where I thought,

940
00:47:04,600 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this postpartum. Did it just show up?

941
00:47:07,719 --> 00:47:10,479
Speaker 1: I had this moment of clarity where I was able

942
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,719
Speaker 1: to say, Hannah, if this is postpartum and this is

943
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 1: the long haul, isn't going to look any different than

944
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:20,239
Speaker 1: what you are showing up to do right now? And

945
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:22,760
Speaker 1: the answer was no. I had my battle plan in place,

946
00:47:22,880 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I

947
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: need the foods that I needed to eat, I needed

948
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,799
Speaker 1: to move my body, I needed to be in the word,

949
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:32,680
Speaker 1: I needed to stay surrounded. All of that was going

950
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 1: to be put into practice, whether I had to fight

951
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:38,480
Speaker 1: the hard battle or not. And like, thankfully I didn't

952
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:41,439
Speaker 1: have to fight that battle, but the battle plan still

953
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:44,280
Speaker 1: would have been in place. And so with the question

954
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 1: that you had asked about, like between the sadness and

955
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,960
Speaker 1: then the actual depression, the remedy is always the same,

956
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:53,680
Speaker 1: you know, it's always okay. I can usually if I'm

957
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,120
Speaker 1: going through kind of a pit, like a time where

958
00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:59,200
Speaker 1: I'm feeling pretty somber, I can usually look at my

959
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:03,320
Speaker 1: life and say, what's off balance right now? Of those things?

960
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:07,279
Speaker 1: What am I neglecting? Okay, let's refocus in on that.

961
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:11,000
Speaker 1: And usually that's the missing piece for me. Yeah, I

962
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,080
Speaker 1: like that of Like, the experiences are can be very different,

963
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 1: but the remedy is somewhat the same. Sometimes you need

964
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 1: more of something. But also that that sadness that you

965
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:22,920
Speaker 1: feel can be a Now, sadness can just be a

966
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:24,719
Speaker 1: feeling that you have and that's okay to have it,

967
00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: but if you're having a long standing sadness, it could

968
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 1: be a red flag for this is you're about to

969
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 1: go down this road, hey where all your things? Are

970
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 1: you doing? All your things? Are you doing all your things?

971
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:36,520
Speaker 1: And my mom will call me and be like, are

972
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:39,000
Speaker 1: you doing all your things? And I'm like, no, I'm not,

973
00:48:40,360 --> 00:48:43,359
Speaker 1: like I'm eating like craft or like no, I had

974
00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 1: some wine last night, and so I probably feel really

975
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,319
Speaker 1: depressed today because like my body is just more sensitive

976
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:51,600
Speaker 1: and I need to We need to know our bodies.

977
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:54,160
Speaker 1: And for me, as somebody who is a Christian, that's

978
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 1: been a battle I've had to fight because I think

979
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,120
Speaker 1: in the Christian community it can very easily be if

980
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,200
Speaker 1: you just have to fight, it all works out. And

981
00:49:01,239 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 1: I'm like, hold up, no, no, Like I believe that

982
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 1: like God designed us all very differently, meaning what works

983
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 1: for you is not always going to work for me.

984
00:49:10,360 --> 00:49:12,319
Speaker 1: Like I know myself well enough to know I have

985
00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 1: lower serotonin levels and so I need to show up

986
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:19,560
Speaker 1: physically to figure out how to remedy that thing. It

987
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:21,759
Speaker 1: is not just faith that is going to pull me

988
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,360
Speaker 1: from this pit. And so that's where you spend a

989
00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:27,200
Speaker 1: lot of my time trying to like squash the myths

990
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: that come with like faith and mental health. Thank you

991
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:33,959
Speaker 1: for saying that because I'm also a Christian. And that's

992
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:35,800
Speaker 1: one of the things that I've loved about your writing

993
00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 1: is the combination of your story and your relationship with

994
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:42,200
Speaker 1: your faith along this and for you, what is has

995
00:49:42,239 --> 00:49:46,359
Speaker 1: that shifted and changed? And what have you learned? This

996
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,759
Speaker 1: is a question that I'm very curious about. What what

997
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:53,440
Speaker 1: have you learned about God through your journey with your

998
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: mental health? Like, what have you learned about that relationship?

999
00:49:57,760 --> 00:50:01,120
Speaker 1: So much? I mean so much. I attribute a lot

1000
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 1: of like coming out of this to God and his grace,

1001
00:50:04,280 --> 00:50:06,399
Speaker 1: but also a lot of hard work and a lot

1002
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:09,040
Speaker 1: of people that God led me to. God led me

1003
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,760
Speaker 1: to my therapist, He led me to my psychiatrist. And

1004
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:14,520
Speaker 1: I think what I've learned the biggest thing that I've

1005
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:16,479
Speaker 1: learned is that God, at the end of the day

1006
00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:20,000
Speaker 1: is not a feeling. You either believe that God is

1007
00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 1: who he says he is or you believe that like

1008
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:25,840
Speaker 1: he left out the back door in the middle of

1009
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:28,000
Speaker 1: the night and didn't come back right. And that's because

1010
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:31,359
Speaker 1: your feelings tell you that. And so for me, I

1011
00:50:31,440 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 1: used to operate my faith based on my feelings and

1012
00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:37,359
Speaker 1: it never really did me well. Like it's great when

1013
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 1: you're feeling awesome and amazing and like God is good,

1014
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:42,839
Speaker 1: and then you're in the pit and you think God

1015
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,120
Speaker 1: is not there, and that's just because your feelings are

1016
00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:48,239
Speaker 1: telling you that. But like my friend told me when

1017
00:50:48,239 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 1: I was going through this depression, she was just like,

1018
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:53,200
Speaker 1: you know, like the way that you show up to

1019
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 1: fight changes based on what you believe about God in

1020
00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:00,080
Speaker 1: this circumstance. And she was like, I've noticed, I've watched you,

1021
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,640
Speaker 1: and she's thinking, when you are confident that God is

1022
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:05,120
Speaker 1: bringing you out of this, you show up and you fight,

1023
00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:08,040
Speaker 1: and then when you stop thinking that God is here,

1024
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 1: you fall right back into that pit. And that was

1025
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:14,359
Speaker 1: a mindset shift, and I really had to retrain my

1026
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 1: brain and retrain my mind. And that is not a

1027
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,280
Speaker 1: one and done thing. I am still in the process

1028
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,359
Speaker 1: of doing that. But like, I think, what I've learned

1029
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:25,920
Speaker 1: about faith is that it's not this conceptual thing that

1030
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:29,200
Speaker 1: we think it is. The Bible is actually a very

1031
00:51:29,239 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 1: practical book. There's a lot of things to be put

1032
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:36,840
Speaker 1: into practice, like, for example, taking every thought captive. That

1033
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,960
Speaker 1: is a mental health thing right there. It is like, no,

1034
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,239
Speaker 1: you need to look at your thoughts, you need to

1035
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:45,759
Speaker 1: place them down on the page where it is you

1036
00:51:45,800 --> 00:51:47,600
Speaker 1: can examine them and you need to figure out how

1037
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:50,880
Speaker 1: to change those thoughts for hers better truth to you.

1038
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:55,279
Speaker 1: And like I think about David, who was definitely definitely depressed,

1039
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 1: and um, a lot of those songs are like whoa dude?

1040
00:51:58,239 --> 00:52:02,640
Speaker 1: Like somebody needed lexi pro um. But like I feel

1041
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:04,239
Speaker 1: like say that you don't even need to take that

1042
00:52:04,280 --> 00:52:07,920
Speaker 1: out because I believe that in my core he's But

1043
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:10,520
Speaker 1: you can read the songs and be like he is up,

1044
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:13,319
Speaker 1: he is down, he is up, he is down. And

1045
00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:18,480
Speaker 1: in Sound forty two he literally says why are you downcast?

1046
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:21,520
Speaker 1: Oh my soul? And we know that we know that first,

1047
00:52:21,520 --> 00:52:24,480
Speaker 1: we've heard that first, but in actuality, like look what

1048
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:28,040
Speaker 1: he's doing. He's literally talking to his soul. He's having

1049
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,799
Speaker 1: some soul talk to be like, hey, what's going on

1050
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:33,080
Speaker 1: inside of you? Like what's up? And I think that

1051
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 1: that's important for people that deal with mental illness to

1052
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,000
Speaker 1: realize there needs to be some separation between the things

1053
00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:42,440
Speaker 1: you think and the truth you know. Um, So sometimes

1054
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:44,239
Speaker 1: I need to have that soul talk with myself to

1055
00:52:44,239 --> 00:52:46,919
Speaker 1: be like, Hannah, what is going on? Like you are

1056
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 1: sad right now? Like what like let's talk about this.

1057
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,040
Speaker 1: Let's approach this from a different angle. I'm not just

1058
00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:56,759
Speaker 1: going to assume because I am sad, that's it. I'm

1059
00:52:56,800 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 1: sad for the rest of my life. So yeah, I

1060
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:02,080
Speaker 1: just think that there's so much in the Word of

1061
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:05,239
Speaker 1: God that is for everyday life. It is not a

1062
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 1: book that was written thousands of years ago that's like

1063
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,640
Speaker 1: good for like a verse to go on a coffee cup.

1064
00:53:10,680 --> 00:53:15,120
Speaker 1: I'm like, this book is so rich and nuanced and

1065
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,680
Speaker 1: crazy and weird, and like I wish we could appreciate

1066
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:22,319
Speaker 1: it for that. Yes, yeah, I wish we could just

1067
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,040
Speaker 1: take that and like make it into like something that

1068
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:27,160
Speaker 1: people see in a billboard. There's so much passion in

1069
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:31,240
Speaker 1: what you just said. That's amazing the episode, David, Alex

1070
00:53:31,400 --> 00:53:39,080
Speaker 1: broy you you would probably say, right, can you a

1071
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:42,000
Speaker 1: date with me? Like I think, so he's good and

1072
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:44,799
Speaker 1: then he is not good, all in a single sentence.

1073
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:48,560
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was great. But no, I just

1074
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:51,680
Speaker 1: appreciate all that so much because I think a lot

1075
00:53:51,719 --> 00:53:55,000
Speaker 1: of There's a couple of things that we was thinking

1076
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:57,680
Speaker 1: in my head as you were going. But one is

1077
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:02,440
Speaker 1: we are told press, pray, pray, pray, pray more or

1078
00:54:02,719 --> 00:54:05,040
Speaker 1: have more faith or do that, and it's like, Okay,

1079
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:08,200
Speaker 1: there is action that comes with that. It's that story, Um,

1080
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: have you heard that story about the guy who's like,

1081
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:12,280
Speaker 1: there's a flood and he's like on top of the house.

1082
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,640
Speaker 1: He's praying to God to come save him. And a

1083
00:54:14,719 --> 00:54:16,400
Speaker 1: boat passes by and it's like, hey, come hop on

1084
00:54:16,480 --> 00:54:18,319
Speaker 1: my boat and he's like, no, God's gonna save me.

1085
00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: So the guy leaves and then a helicopter comes down

1086
00:54:21,719 --> 00:54:24,440
Speaker 1: and he drops a rope and he's like, grab on here,

1087
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:26,640
Speaker 1: We'll take you to land. He's like, no, no, God's

1088
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,680
Speaker 1: gonna save me. And then he dies gets to heaven.

1089
00:54:29,719 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 1: It's like, God, why didn't you save me? He's like,

1090
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 1: I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What like what?

1091
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:38,080
Speaker 1: And it's like you we have to we we pray. Yeah,

1092
00:54:38,120 --> 00:54:39,680
Speaker 1: we pray and we have faith and then we do

1093
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 1: the work and that and that was huge in the

1094
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:45,080
Speaker 1: in this fight, like through that four months and to

1095
00:54:45,160 --> 00:54:49,440
Speaker 1: us remember, because like it was very nuanced with people

1096
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:51,880
Speaker 1: in the mental health community, and then this faith aspect

1097
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:53,600
Speaker 1: of it, because there was a pocket of people that

1098
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:56,200
Speaker 1: believed if I just prayed and had faith and repentant

1099
00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:58,400
Speaker 1: of whatever was inside of me. I was going to

1100
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:01,040
Speaker 1: be better. And there were so many things that like

1101
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:02,839
Speaker 1: me and my mom look back on and were like

1102
00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:05,279
Speaker 1: what the crap was on all about? Like what why

1103
00:55:05,320 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: did that even happen? Like that doesn't even serve a

1104
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 1: purpose in the story. But we chalked it up to

1105
00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:13,839
Speaker 1: you know, it was just another way to say to God, Hey,

1106
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:16,640
Speaker 1: I'm going to continue stepping. I'm going to keep moving.

1107
00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:19,920
Speaker 1: I know this might seem crazy, but I'm desperate right

1108
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:21,920
Speaker 1: now to move out of this pit because like at

1109
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:24,799
Speaker 1: one point, I like drove to Massachusetts with a friend

1110
00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:27,600
Speaker 1: who was sure that this woman in Massachusetts could heal me.

1111
00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:31,160
Speaker 1: And this lady like led me through some repentance process

1112
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:35,080
Speaker 1: for like ex boyfriends, and it was weird, and I'm

1113
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,640
Speaker 1: like sitting at the cheesecake factory in Massachusetts, like what

1114
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:40,120
Speaker 1: is happening in my life right now? What is going on?

1115
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 1: But I look back and I think, Okay, But like

1116
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,200
Speaker 1: I was willing to say, I'll go there God, because

1117
00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:49,919
Speaker 1: this might be the thing. Who knows it wasn't. Because

1118
00:55:49,960 --> 00:55:54,440
Speaker 1: I very much believe in therapists and mental Yes, I

1119
00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:57,520
Speaker 1: believe in doctors that went to school for these things.

1120
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,719
Speaker 1: But there are plenty of people too, though, that have

1121
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:04,360
Speaker 1: prayed and have felt a miracle from God and have

1122
00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:07,239
Speaker 1: been healed instantly. But I think we have to be

1123
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:11,040
Speaker 1: really careful to understand that might be somebody's story, but

1124
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:13,200
Speaker 1: that that might not be your story. And I mean

1125
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,520
Speaker 1: I even got a message from a girl months ago

1126
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:17,400
Speaker 1: that just was like, I just have to let you know,

1127
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:19,560
Speaker 1: like you're not leaning on the full faith of the Lord.

1128
00:56:19,760 --> 00:56:22,160
Speaker 1: My depression was healed instantly, and yours could if you

1129
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:25,120
Speaker 1: believed more. And I just was like, hold up, chick,

1130
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:27,960
Speaker 1: you don't want to go here with me, because like,

1131
00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:33,000
Speaker 1: I'm not mad about this for myself, I'm mad about

1132
00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:34,960
Speaker 1: this for the people You might say this too, and

1133
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,439
Speaker 1: then they think they're broken and they're damaged and God

1134
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:39,480
Speaker 1: is not showing up for them. My God has shown

1135
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:42,960
Speaker 1: up at every juncture for me. And if I am

1136
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:46,080
Speaker 1: still walking this out, that just means that God thinks

1137
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:49,400
Speaker 1: I am someone to be partnered with in these unfinished stories,

1138
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:52,719
Speaker 1: Like oh, I get very passionate about I even like

1139
00:56:52,719 --> 00:56:55,239
Speaker 1: getting like teary eyed because I'm like, yeah, you your

1140
00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:59,440
Speaker 1: story is a miracle. Still, your just story involved different steps,

1141
00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:01,879
Speaker 1: but you're it's still a miracle that you went from

1142
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:04,759
Speaker 1: feeling what you were feeling to where you are now.

1143
00:57:05,080 --> 00:57:07,600
Speaker 1: Like that's still it's just a different kind of miracle.

1144
00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:10,520
Speaker 1: So yeah, and I think that that's like something just

1145
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:14,200
Speaker 1: like that's important to say overarchingly, is that people say

1146
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:17,640
Speaker 1: very well meaning intentioned things to people that have depression

1147
00:57:17,720 --> 00:57:20,640
Speaker 1: or mental illness, but like, sometimes this is not the

1148
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:23,400
Speaker 1: invitation to come in and tell them all the things

1149
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:25,320
Speaker 1: that they need to do. Like I think if you

1150
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,200
Speaker 1: were close with someone, if you are walking with somebody

1151
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:30,160
Speaker 1: through the thick of it, you will know when the

1152
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:32,439
Speaker 1: door is cracked open to say, hey, I think maybe

1153
00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:35,520
Speaker 1: you should try this, But I think you just can't

1154
00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 1: show up be like hey do this this this, get

1155
00:57:38,120 --> 00:57:40,840
Speaker 1: it right, come on, let's go. Like it doesn't work

1156
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:43,000
Speaker 1: that way. That actually ends up being a lot more

1157
00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:46,280
Speaker 1: harmful than it is. Good. Yeah, I'm sorry that person

1158
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:48,920
Speaker 1: said that to you. It's okay. I mean, she didn't

1159
00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 1: she didn't have a like to stand on. I wasn't

1160
00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:53,400
Speaker 1: responded to her, and I responded to her, but then

1161
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,000
Speaker 1: I muted her and I told her, I'm going to

1162
00:57:55,160 --> 00:57:57,520
Speaker 1: mute you because I think this is actually really damaging.

1163
00:57:57,600 --> 00:57:59,320
Speaker 1: And I hope that you're going to relok at your

1164
00:57:59,360 --> 00:58:02,560
Speaker 1: messaging of this, because she was not relenting. She did

1165
00:58:02,640 --> 00:58:05,320
Speaker 1: not want a conversation with me because she kept coming

1166
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:09,040
Speaker 1: back at me, and I was just like, not today, Yeah,

1167
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:14,240
Speaker 1: I like gosh. Well. And then the other thing that

1168
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:15,720
Speaker 1: I was thinking about when you were talking about the

1169
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:18,600
Speaker 1: difference between like feelings and faith is you have talked

1170
00:58:18,640 --> 00:58:21,400
Speaker 1: about in your books. I think it was come mat

1171
00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 1: Her here, but I don't know. I could have read

1172
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:25,240
Speaker 1: this two days ago where you talk about there's a

1173
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:29,960
Speaker 1: difference between having a feeling and hearing God, and it's

1174
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:34,160
Speaker 1: probably come matter here, Okay, okay, but maybe well, I

1175
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:39,240
Speaker 1: swear it was you. Yeah. That is important because I

1176
00:58:39,280 --> 00:58:41,640
Speaker 1: think a lot of times we're looking for God to

1177
00:58:41,720 --> 00:58:44,680
Speaker 1: say go, or God to say stay, or God to

1178
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:47,400
Speaker 1: say marry him, or God to say divorce him. And

1179
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:50,160
Speaker 1: we can have feelings all day long and it doesn't

1180
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:54,240
Speaker 1: mean that God is saying yes, no, left, right. You

1181
00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,440
Speaker 1: have to be able to differentiate them. I don't know

1182
00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:59,040
Speaker 1: if I'm totally there, but it's not every time you

1183
00:58:59,120 --> 00:59:02,160
Speaker 1: don't hear something or feel something, or everything you feel something,

1184
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:06,439
Speaker 1: it's not always something from the Lord above saying do this.

1185
00:59:07,080 --> 00:59:08,600
Speaker 1: We have to be careful with that because I think

1186
00:59:08,640 --> 00:59:11,000
Speaker 1: a lot of people take it in the opposite direction

1187
00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:13,920
Speaker 1: of like I heard God say this, God said this,

1188
00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: God said you're going to be my husband, and it's

1189
00:59:16,520 --> 00:59:20,960
Speaker 1: like God, that's that's insane, And that, honestly, to me,

1190
00:59:21,040 --> 00:59:23,680
Speaker 1: that terrifies me because I think that's the reason that

1191
00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,320
Speaker 1: a lot of people walk away from faith to begin with,

1192
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:29,240
Speaker 1: is because they thought they heard God so clearly and

1193
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:31,360
Speaker 1: then it didn't work out how they thought it was.

1194
00:59:31,560 --> 00:59:33,800
Speaker 1: And I think we have to be very careful because

1195
00:59:33,800 --> 00:59:36,040
Speaker 1: I do believe that God speaks, but I also think

1196
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:38,200
Speaker 1: that like the things we hear him speak, they need

1197
00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:41,480
Speaker 1: to be tested, they need to be like vetted, and

1198
00:59:41,520 --> 00:59:43,440
Speaker 1: we need to be open to the fact that like

1199
00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:47,280
Speaker 1: we are humans, that like we have errors, like we

1200
00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:49,800
Speaker 1: get it wrong in that how have you learned to

1201
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:53,439
Speaker 1: differentiate for yourself? Because sometimes we do get it wrong.

1202
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,480
Speaker 1: But how do you tell the difference between Yeah, this

1203
00:59:56,560 --> 01:00:00,280
Speaker 1: feels like God's speaking and this just feels like this

1204
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,400
Speaker 1: is something that I want. I mean, I tried my

1205
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:06,440
Speaker 1: best because like I am somebody who and we probably

1206
01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:08,440
Speaker 1: don't have like the hours to get into this, but

1207
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:11,120
Speaker 1: I'm somebody who has the gift of prophecy, which means

1208
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:13,960
Speaker 1: that like I do believe that I it's so weird

1209
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:16,080
Speaker 1: to say, like I believe I hear from God, but

1210
01:00:16,200 --> 01:00:20,720
Speaker 1: like I have been given, I'm given specific messages for

1211
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:23,760
Speaker 1: other people that like are very clearly something they need

1212
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:26,360
Speaker 1: to hear, something they need to know. And at the

1213
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:29,040
Speaker 1: same time, that is a gift that you have to practice.

1214
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:32,400
Speaker 1: And so to me, that looks like sitting a lot

1215
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:35,040
Speaker 1: and being quiet a lot and doing a lot of

1216
01:00:35,080 --> 01:00:38,760
Speaker 1: listening practice. And even when you hear something, test that

1217
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:42,040
Speaker 1: because you, like I think our brains are very overactive.

1218
01:00:42,160 --> 01:00:44,360
Speaker 1: And so I could be sitting there and God could

1219
01:00:44,360 --> 01:00:47,200
Speaker 1: say to me like saw two and ten, and it's

1220
01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:49,440
Speaker 1: like that doesn't exist in the Bible, you know. And

1221
01:00:49,480 --> 01:00:53,520
Speaker 1: so it's like everything has to be tested. And even

1222
01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:56,720
Speaker 1: then when I send a text to somebody or when

1223
01:00:56,760 --> 01:01:00,240
Speaker 1: I tell somebody like in a procession, Hey, I am

1224
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:03,240
Speaker 1: not in any way like going to say this is

1225
01:01:03,280 --> 01:01:05,640
Speaker 1: the ultimate, this is what I know to be true.

1226
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:08,800
Speaker 1: I will say, take this for what it is, sit

1227
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 1: with it. It might mean something to you, it might

1228
01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:13,560
Speaker 1: not mean something to you, But I just want to

1229
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:16,120
Speaker 1: be the messenger to what I heard. It's a very

1230
01:01:16,240 --> 01:01:18,920
Speaker 1: delicate thing, That's what I think. And I think that's

1231
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,880
Speaker 1: where it's like, I don't get it right all the time.

1232
01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:22,520
Speaker 1: I'm sure that I don't get it all the right

1233
01:01:22,640 --> 01:01:24,800
Speaker 1: right all the time. But like when I hear God

1234
01:01:24,920 --> 01:01:28,200
Speaker 1: prompt me in a direction, I will always write it down,

1235
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:31,320
Speaker 1: I will revisit it, and I will, you know, wade

1236
01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:33,880
Speaker 1: into the things that I think he's telling me to

1237
01:01:34,000 --> 01:01:36,960
Speaker 1: move into. But I'm open to that ending up not

1238
01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:39,600
Speaker 1: being the right direction. At the same time, I don't

1239
01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:42,280
Speaker 1: feel like I audibly hear God a lot, being like

1240
01:01:42,680 --> 01:01:46,480
Speaker 1: go to this country or go here and marry you know.

1241
01:01:47,240 --> 01:01:49,480
Speaker 1: I think it's a still small voice in a lot

1242
01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:52,600
Speaker 1: of ways. Yeah, it's happened a few times. I've heard

1243
01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:55,680
Speaker 1: some audible things, but that is like I can count

1244
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:58,360
Speaker 1: them on this palm of my hand right when I

1245
01:01:58,400 --> 01:02:00,320
Speaker 1: love the most of what you say at in the

1246
01:02:00,440 --> 01:02:02,480
Speaker 1: essence of it, it's not black and white, which we

1247
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:04,439
Speaker 1: talked about in the beginning. It's not black and white.

1248
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:07,040
Speaker 1: There's room for error. There's room for me to be wrong,

1249
01:02:07,240 --> 01:02:09,760
Speaker 1: there's room for me to be right. And I think

1250
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:12,560
Speaker 1: that with that mindset, we can achieve and we can

1251
01:02:12,560 --> 01:02:15,880
Speaker 1: do not just an area of faith, but across the board,

1252
01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:18,600
Speaker 1: and we can live in a more gray area. We

1253
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:22,360
Speaker 1: can show up as like more connected humans, more kind humans,

1254
01:02:22,920 --> 01:02:26,280
Speaker 1: more mentally sound humans. And so yeah, that's I love

1255
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:28,280
Speaker 1: that and how you put that. And I wish that

1256
01:02:28,320 --> 01:02:29,960
Speaker 1: we had three more hours because I'd like to talk

1257
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:34,160
Speaker 1: more about that, but we don't. So yeah, I know.

1258
01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:36,400
Speaker 1: So I think this is a good place to end.

1259
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:39,200
Speaker 1: We went everywhere. Yeah, we went everywhere. So this was

1260
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:41,800
Speaker 1: not I don't know how I'm gonna title this, So

1261
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:47,320
Speaker 1: I think we're just gonna lex with Hannah. What do

1262
01:02:47,360 --> 01:02:49,680
Speaker 1: you want people? Like? How can people get in touch

1263
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:52,680
Speaker 1: with you? How can they find your book? Because they're

1264
01:02:52,680 --> 01:02:55,400
Speaker 1: gonna want it? Where do they find you? Everything is

1265
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 1: over at Hannah Brentcher dot com. We have a page

1266
01:02:58,200 --> 01:03:01,480
Speaker 1: over there for Fighting four that comes out January. Fighting

1267
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:05,880
Speaker 1: Board is available wherever books are sold Amazon, Barnes and Noble,

1268
01:03:06,160 --> 01:03:10,160
Speaker 1: shop local, support, your local indie. Yeah, okay, awesome, Yeah,

1269
01:03:10,240 --> 01:03:12,920
Speaker 1: everybody go get the book. Hopefully by the time it

1270
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:16,320
Speaker 1: comes out, I'll be done with it. But thank you

1271
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,720
Speaker 1: so much for being here and for being open. I

1272
01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:21,120
Speaker 1: appreciate it, so thank you. Thanks for having me