1 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,640 Speaker 1: I didn't learn as so as fifty four years old. 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:10,560 Speaker 1: If I had known this way back when, I would 3 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: literally not have been a walking red flag for most 4 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: of my life. I would not have taken my stress 5 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 1: out on my family. I would have been more peaceful 6 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,760 Speaker 1: and more powerful because I had no idea how much 7 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,120 Speaker 1: power I'd given to other people. 8 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,319 Speaker 2: What does it take to stop feeling isolated and start 9 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 2: building real connection in your life? Just in time for 10 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 2: the holidays. In this best of episode of My Legacy, 11 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,520 Speaker 2: hosts Martin Luther King the Third, Andrea Waters, King, Mark Kilberger, 12 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 2: and Craig Kilberger explore the power of connection, how to 13 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 2: create it, how to nurture it, and how to build 14 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 2: a life rooted in meaningful relationships. We'll hear from Jay 15 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,680 Speaker 2: Shetty on creating connection in the chaos of everyday life. 16 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 2: Doctor VIVEC. Murphy on how shared joy is the easiest 17 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 2: way to create true connection. Mel Robbins on her viral 18 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 2: let them theory Welter, stop reacting, start healing and reclaim 19 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 2: her power. But first up, Simon Sinek on how we're 20 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 2: getting friendship all wrong. 21 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 3: What do you see as the main obstacle to people 22 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,280 Speaker 3: finding true connection. 23 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 4: I think there's many things that get in the way 24 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 4: of us forming true connection. One is I think we 25 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 4: take friends for granted. You know, everybody knows you have 26 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 4: to work hard in marriage, like marriage takes work. Everybody 27 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 4: knows that. And when marriages have trouble, you get help. 28 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 4: You you go for therapy, you go for couple's therapy. 29 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 4: But nobody goes for friends therapy when your friendships are 30 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 4: in trouble. I love that. You know, nobody thinks that 31 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,720 Speaker 4: friendships take work. We sort of take them for granted. 32 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 4: Like if you guys have a massive fight, you don't 33 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 4: default to divorce. We're in friendships. You have a massive fight, 34 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 4: and people like I don't think I can do this 35 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 4: friendship anymore. We're sort of much more disposable about friendships 36 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 4: for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe there's no contract. 37 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 4: Maybe that's the reason. And if you ask the best couples, 38 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 4: like the couples that we look at and admire and 39 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 4: be like, I want a marriage like theirs, And if 40 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 4: you ask them what's your secret, they all say the 41 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 4: same thing, it's hard work. Can we do the work? 42 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 4: And I don't know anybody in friendship who says friendship 43 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,400 Speaker 4: is hard work, and we do the work, and so 44 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,919 Speaker 4: I think one of the reasons we have so much 45 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 4: disconnection in the world is we actually are not very 46 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:24,080 Speaker 4: good at the skill of being a friend. You know, 47 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 4: would you cancel in a friend for a meeting. Would 48 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 4: you cancel in a meeting for a friend, Oh, but 49 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 4: my friends would understand. You don't think the people in 50 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 4: the meeting would understand. And that's the problem. I think 51 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 4: we deprioritize friends almost always, quote unquote because they'll understand. Yes, 52 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 4: we can blame social media, it absolutely is a contributing factor. 53 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,200 Speaker 4: Yes we can blame post lockdown world, you know, it's 54 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,079 Speaker 4: absolutely a factor. But I think deeper than all of 55 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 4: those things is we lack the skills to be a friend. 56 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 5: It's interesting because I reflect on this time and this 57 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 5: is the beautiful part, but being able to have a 58 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 5: conversation with someone who we spent so much time with. 59 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,799 Speaker 5: And there was one of these moving moments when we 60 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 5: were talking as a group and you talked about friends 61 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 5: that politically you very much disagreed with the story I'm 62 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 5: sharing here. Yeah, yeah, And you had a choice there 63 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,640 Speaker 5: because you could have acted not exactly out of respect 64 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 5: and kind of called her out. I think it was her. 65 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,919 Speaker 5: It was in that moment and you saw how to 66 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 5: build bridges and stuff. 67 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, a friend of mine, she and I see the 68 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 4: world very differently. She's a conspiracy theorist and I view 69 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 4: the world differently. And she came to visit me in 70 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,960 Speaker 4: New York and we were going for a long walk 71 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 4: and she said something that I disagreed with politically or worldviewee, 72 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 4: and I thought, definitely thought and I think, I said, 73 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 4: how can you be so stupid? And she stops in 74 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,880 Speaker 4: her tracks and says, you just called your friend stupid. 75 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 4: And I realized how judgmental it was to just because 76 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 4: I disagree with someone's worldview that I think they're dumb, 77 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 4: because on both sides of the political al, both sides 78 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 4: think the other are the sheeple, you know. And so 79 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 4: we were both confronted with the situation of somebody, a 80 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 4: friend who we both care about and love, which is 81 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 4: each other. 82 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 3: Now what? 83 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 4: And we could have abandoned the friendship. We could have 84 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 4: just said this is not going to work. I don't 85 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 4: see the world the way you see it. But we 86 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 4: chose instead to figure out how to talk and how 87 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 4: to communicate and we didn't do what you know is 88 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 4: usually suggested for Thanksgiving dinners, which is, you know, just 89 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 4: don't bring it up. You know, we brought it all up, 90 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:31,039 Speaker 4: and we learned how to listen to each other without judgment, 91 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 4: but with curiosity. We learned how to allow the other 92 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,479 Speaker 4: person to say what they needed to say to the 93 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 4: point where you could find something that you did agree 94 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 4: with or that was based in truth, and at the 95 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:44,080 Speaker 4: moment of affirmation we could build upon that. We're actually 96 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,160 Speaker 4: very open to each other's points of view. And to 97 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 4: this day, I just talked to her last week. I 98 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 4: absolutely adore and love her and she feels the same 99 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,839 Speaker 4: about me. And we talk about this all the time. 100 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 4: We talk about that we're different. We talk about that 101 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 4: our friendship as a model for how the world could work, 102 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 4: and we talk about how we don't agree on on 103 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 4: everything and we see the world differently, but at the 104 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,160 Speaker 4: end of the day, we share the same values. At 105 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,479 Speaker 4: the end of the day, we offer each other a 106 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 4: safe space to be our true selves. At the end 107 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 4: of the day, we found ways to communicate and put 108 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 4: our judgments aside and embrace curiosity. And because of that friendship, 109 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 4: I am a better human being. And I think people 110 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 4: who avoid tension simply because it's difficult, I don't think 111 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 4: they're taking the opportunity to grow as a person. That 112 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 4: doesn't mean that that person has to be your friend. 113 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 4: I'm not suggesting that at all, But I am suggesting 114 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 4: that the challenge to sit in discomfort with someone, where 115 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 4: you feel triggered, or you want to be defensive, or 116 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 4: you want to fight back, or you want to be 117 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,479 Speaker 4: right and you want to prove them wrong, are not 118 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 4: the instincts for any kind of friendship or relationship. And remember, 119 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,040 Speaker 4: even beyond the friendships that we have, that is how 120 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 4: you find peace. You cannot make peace with your friends. 121 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 4: You can only make peace with your enemies. And so 122 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,919 Speaker 4: if you can't learn to listen to someone who you 123 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 4: consider an enemy or on the polar oppisode of how 124 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,360 Speaker 4: You see the World, then peace is non existent. And 125 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 4: when I talk about world peace, I don't I'm not 126 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,279 Speaker 4: so foolhardy to believe that we can live in a 127 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:13,720 Speaker 4: world without conflict. That's nonsense, that doesn't exist. When I 128 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 4: talk about world peace, I imagine a world in which we 129 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 4: can resolve all conflict peacefully. You're going to have conflict 130 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 4: but can you resolve that conflict peacefully and change starts 131 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 4: at home, Like, we can't criticize our politicians and our 132 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 4: governments for their inability to find peace across an aisle 133 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 4: if we're incapable of having a conversation with somebody we 134 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 4: disagree with. 135 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 5: Because I think for like listeners and watchers or those 136 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 5: who are following this, they like, everyone's got their friend 137 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 5: who politically they have the different views of, or maybe 138 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 5: on faith, politics, whatever it happens to be, that often 139 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 5: pulls us apart. But you found a little bit of 140 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,839 Speaker 5: the roadmap how to build. 141 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 4: So the mistake that we make when we talk to 142 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,280 Speaker 4: someone with whom we see the world in a diametrically 143 00:06:56,279 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 4: opposed way is we interrupt, We attempt to correct facts, 144 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 4: We are sometimes triggered by what they say, We get defensive, 145 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 4: and we tend to make the argument for our case 146 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,440 Speaker 4: before they've even finished making the argument for theirs. And 147 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 4: so one of the challenges and it is a skill, 148 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 4: It's just a learnable, practicable skill, you know, That's all 149 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 4: it is is to allow someone to feel heard. Right, 150 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 4: to allow someone to feel heard doesn't mean you have 151 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:36,920 Speaker 4: to agree with them, doesn't mean you have to see 152 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 4: the world the way they see it. Your only job 153 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 4: is to listen to their story. The story doesn't have 154 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 4: to be true. It's their story, and your job is 155 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 4: to listen to their story. And if it triggers you, 156 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 4: you put that aside and you wait. You'll have your turn. 157 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 4: Don't worry, and remember there's a big difference between listening 158 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 4: and waiting for your turn to speak. Listening is listening 159 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 4: for meaning. Listening is listening to the point where they 160 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 4: feel heard, not that you think you heard the words. 161 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 4: And this is what my friend and I figured out 162 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,680 Speaker 4: how to do, which is one of us went first 163 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 4: and said, tell me what you think, and the other 164 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 4: one started talking, and all the other did was tell 165 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 4: me more go on. That's interesting, I don't understand. Can 166 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 4: you say it differently and just allow them to get 167 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 4: it all out? And invariably we will always find something 168 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 4: we agree on always And what at that point one 169 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 4: of us can say that's true or I completely agree. 170 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 4: The other person is now seen, the other person feels 171 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 4: heard in that moment. The other person now becomes open 172 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 4: to your point of view, even if your point of 173 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 4: view is different, simply because you showed them the respect 174 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:50,559 Speaker 4: to feel heard. 175 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 6: Like follow and subscribe to my Legacy podcast, and most 176 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,080 Speaker 6: importantly share this with someone who needs a reminder of 177 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 6: their strength today. 178 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 5: Now back to my legacy. 179 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 3: What would you offer to people that are that are 180 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,960 Speaker 3: feeling that that fear, that that disconnection, that the overwhelm, 181 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 3: the the stress. 182 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,240 Speaker 7: You know. The first thing that came to mind for 183 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 7: me is whenever I feel like things are out of 184 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 7: my control, or I feel like overwhelmed at what's happening 185 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 7: around me, or even in our own life, there's this 186 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 7: every time I feel like it's just me, the problem 187 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 7: feels really difficult to handle. But as soon as I 188 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 7: think the problem is me plus God, or me plus 189 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 7: the universe or something that has a much higher power 190 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 7: than I do, it starts to feel a little bit 191 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 7: more manageable. And so I find that prayer for me 192 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 7: has always been such a beautiful place to come to 193 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 7: when all other hope feels lost. I think I get 194 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,839 Speaker 7: a lot lot of solace in prayer. And I think 195 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 7: that but also connects to the idea that if we 196 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:07,720 Speaker 7: can feel way more disconnected when we don't feel connected 197 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,840 Speaker 7: to ourself, and so whether it's practices and rituals to 198 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,760 Speaker 7: actually connect deeper to ourself that allows us to connect 199 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 7: deeper to other people and have meaningful connections with others 200 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 7: that help us through those times. I think reconnecting every 201 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,959 Speaker 7: single day in some way to who you are and 202 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 7: having those moments are really important to be able to 203 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 7: connect to someone else, to be able to feel understood 204 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 7: or valued by other people. And yeah, I think for me, 205 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 7: the main one always ends up being prayer because I'm like, 206 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 7: at this point, I can't control anything, so I'm leaving 207 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 7: it up to you, But yeah, I would love to 208 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:44,960 Speaker 7: hear some of yours. 209 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 8: There's something called the third space theory, and it's this 210 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:54,760 Speaker 8: idea that just around twenty five fifty years ago, we 211 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 8: had three spaces we lived in, We had home, we 212 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:04,960 Speaker 8: had work, and then we had church or temple, synagogue, mosque. 213 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 8: And what happened is that those three spaces shrunk to 214 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 8: two spaces. We went from work to home and home 215 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 8: to work. And now we all know that those two 216 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 8: places have shrunk into one place. We work from home 217 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 8: and we live at home. And what's happened is not 218 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 8: that we've just lost three spaces, but we've lost what 219 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 8: that third space provided us. So what happened at church 220 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 8: or the community center or a place of gathering, was 221 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 8: you had a space to look back on work and 222 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 8: home and state and everything else and reflect on how 223 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 8: could I be better? What could I do differently? Let's 224 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 8: figure out together what the solution is. What can we 225 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 8: all band to do together. So the biggest challenge today 226 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 8: is that we're all feeling the same feeling, but we're 227 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 8: feeling it on our own. We're lonely feeling the same thing. 228 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 8: And then a big difference between being lonely feeling something 229 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,959 Speaker 8: and feeling belonging in feeling something. And so what I 230 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 8: would encourage everyone to do is go and find your 231 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,320 Speaker 8: third space. Go and find your space of belonging. Go 232 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 8: and find your space of connection. Go and find that 233 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 8: space where you're with people of equal value, where you 234 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,240 Speaker 8: can share your heart, when you can hear other people's, 235 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 8: when you can open up your mind, where you can 236 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 8: carry someone else's burden. I think we've just lost that 237 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 8: as a society, and I think these moments are great 238 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 8: reminders that we are stronger when we are working together, 239 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 8: we are better when we're working together, and ultimately, when 240 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 8: we're united and carrying each other's weight the weight doesn't 241 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 8: feel as large, And I think that's the biggest challenge today, 242 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,079 Speaker 8: is that we're all carrying the weight on our own 243 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,079 Speaker 8: and so finding that third space, creating that third space 244 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 8: if you don't have it. The third space doesn't have 245 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,800 Speaker 8: to be two hundred people, two thousand people, twenty thousand people. 246 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 8: It can literally be four people in a room that 247 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 8: are reading scripture together, that are starting a book club, 248 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 8: that are listening to this podcast and sharing what they 249 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,080 Speaker 8: learned from you and all your amazing guests that you've 250 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,160 Speaker 8: had on It starts that small, and I really feel 251 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,679 Speaker 8: that we have to create that third space, even because 252 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 8: right now our third space is all of us sitting 253 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 8: in front of the television, and the TV screen is 254 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,480 Speaker 8: the third space. The phone screen is the third space, 255 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 8: and that third space isn't giving you what the original 256 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 8: third space gave you. 257 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 3: I know, Vivik that you've said that relationships out of 258 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,800 Speaker 3: the foundation of health and fulfillment. In a world that 259 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 3: is now more divided than ever, how can we build 260 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 3: relationships out in the world. What can we do to 261 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 3: overcome so much of this division that we all are 262 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 3: feeling right now? 263 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 9: Yeah, it's such a timely question, and I think there's 264 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,679 Speaker 9: a lot that's telling us in the world right now 265 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:04,440 Speaker 9: to find ourselves based on political differences or differences and 266 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 9: how we feel on policy issues. But the reality is 267 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 9: that obscures so much of what we do in fact 268 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 9: share in common. Like we have common concerns as parents, 269 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:21,120 Speaker 9: as community members, as caregivers for aging parents, for people 270 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 9: who are contending with a lot of common challenges, but 271 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 9: a lot of that those common challenges get obscured. So 272 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,120 Speaker 9: we found that one of the things that's important to 273 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 9: do now is one to be able to create spaces 274 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 9: where people can come together and talk about shared challenges. 275 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 9: Right and because we're our kids are school age and 276 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,240 Speaker 9: we think about the parent community in our school. Alice 277 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 9: Is is the co president of our Parents Association in 278 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 9: school and really helps create these opportunities for parents in 279 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 9: the community to come together and talk about shared concerns. 280 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 9: And that's very powerful because a lot of parents just 281 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 9: feel like they're struggling alone. I think the other thing 282 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 9: that we can do is to create speriences of shared joy. 283 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 9: So there is so much it feels heavy in the 284 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 9: world right now, but when we can experience joy together, 285 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 9: whether that's coming together, as we have so often in 286 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 9: our school to see our kids all perform, you know, 287 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 9: for a holiday or just for an end of the 288 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 9: year's show, or whether it's coming together for music. We 289 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 9: recently had the pleasure of taking our kids and my 290 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 9: sister and brother in law to a music concert and 291 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 9: we all experienced that together. And it was one of 292 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 9: those things where were initially hesitant, it's late, it's going 293 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 9: to be far away, that the kids are going to 294 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 9: fall asleep, is it really worth it? But it was 295 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,360 Speaker 9: so beautiful to be with thousands of other people just 296 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 9: uplifted and just invigorated and inspired by this powerful music 297 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 9: we were all hearing. That was an experience of joy 298 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 9: and upliftment, and we need more of those. But having 299 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 9: those experiences, Andrea, means that we have to actually come 300 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 9: out of our homes and be physically together. These experiences 301 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:08,040 Speaker 9: are very different online versus when you're physically in the 302 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 9: presence of other people. And it's one of the reasons 303 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 9: why I think it's especially important for young people that 304 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 9: we model how to do that, that we create opportunities 305 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 9: to do that, because I think that we have maybe 306 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:25,920 Speaker 9: in prior generations assumed that everybody just develops robust social 307 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 9: skills as they get older because pre sort of digital era, 308 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 9: you had to go and just talk to people, find 309 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,120 Speaker 9: out how to, like, you know, make things work with 310 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 9: your roommate in college or if you went to college, 311 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 9: or figure out how to talk to somebody in middle 312 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 9: school in the lunch room. You know, the middle school 313 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 9: is hard for everybody, myself included. But these days, actually 314 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 9: there's an off ramp if you feel the stress of 315 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 9: isolation or social anxiety, and that off ramp is your phone. Right. So, 316 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 9: and this is what young people tell me all the 317 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 9: time when I traveled around the country and spoke to 318 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 9: high school students and college students, as they would say, yeah, 319 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 9: it's when things are stressful. We don't necessarily have to 320 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 9: interact with each other. So maybe there's a mixer or 321 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 9: an orientation, but if we get uncomfortable, we just pull 322 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 9: out our phones. 323 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:08,120 Speaker 8: Right. 324 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,639 Speaker 9: So, I think it's especially important for us to cultivate 325 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 9: these skills and these opportunities for in person interaction. I 326 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 9: want to just share one quote with you what I 327 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,719 Speaker 9: actually just came across, which moved me very deeply. It 328 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,400 Speaker 9: was written by a college student's about thirteen years ago 329 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:28,120 Speaker 9: in twenty twelve, who had when she was just about 330 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 9: to graduate from college, and her essay that she wrote 331 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,320 Speaker 9: was called the Opposite of Loneliness, And this is the 332 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 9: quote that really stuck with me. Her name is Marina Keegan, 333 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 9: and tragically she died five days after a graduation in 334 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 9: a car accident. She says, we don't have a word 335 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,880 Speaker 9: for the opposite of loneliness. It's not quite love, it's 336 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 9: not quite community. It's just this feeling that there are people, 337 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 9: an abundance of people who are in this together, who 338 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 9: are on your team. When the check is paid and 339 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 9: you stay at the table when it's four am, and 340 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,719 Speaker 9: no one goes to bed that night with the guitar. 341 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 9: That night, we can't remember that time. We did, we went, 342 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 9: we saw, we laughed, we felt. I think about that 343 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 9: quote all the time because what it reminds me of 344 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 9: is that this belonging that we all need, that's part 345 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 9: of our just basic human requirement to be alive and thrive. 346 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 9: That sense of belonging can come through these powerful shared experiences. 347 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 9: It can come from knowing that we're in it together, 348 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,359 Speaker 9: that we're not alone. During the pandemic, in those early 349 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 9: days when everybody was staying at home, many of us 350 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 9: realized that it meant something to us to be in 351 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 9: a coffee shop with other people, even if we weren't 352 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 9: there with all of our best friends. It meant something 353 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 9: to be in a grocery store and to be passing 354 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 9: other people and seeing, oh, there's a fellow parent who's 355 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 9: shopping for her child, and I can relate to that. 356 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,240 Speaker 9: All of these moments of connection, whether it's with a 357 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 9: best friend or with somebody in our schoocare kids school, 358 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,959 Speaker 9: or somebody in a coffee shop, they contribute to our 359 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,359 Speaker 9: sense of belonging. And this is what we need to 360 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,679 Speaker 9: now intentionally build in our lives and in the world, 361 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 9: because it's a foundation on which bid build everything else, 362 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,720 Speaker 9: from our health to our economy to our education. And 363 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 9: that's why I think it has to be such a 364 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 9: priority at this moment. 365 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 10: I feel like so much of this is about these 366 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 10: like individual acts and like just like like small decision 367 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 10: points like do I reach out to this friend, do 368 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 10: I invite somebody over for dinner? I have nothing to 369 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 10: do this afternoon. Do I spend it with people or 370 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 10: do I spend it but with myself? And I feel 371 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,919 Speaker 10: like we all just have to Like it's like a 372 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,720 Speaker 10: million of these acts and it's all of us working 373 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 10: that muscle of I will have people over for dinner today, 374 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 10: I will go on a walk with a friend instead 375 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 10: of by myself. I mean, it's wonderful to have solitude, 376 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 10: but it's also it's choosing to make those make those 377 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 10: putting yourself out there a little bit and having the 378 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,480 Speaker 10: discomfort of being with another person who has different thoughts 379 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:18,640 Speaker 10: and how do you navigate that. We had this experience 380 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 10: we started this social committee in our in our condo building, 381 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 10: and there was a men that we were going to 382 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 10: do on the roof and it was raining, so we 383 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,120 Speaker 10: just had everybody over to our house and everybody kind 384 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 10: of just hung out at our house for hours, and 385 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,640 Speaker 10: as people were leaving, we had this strange experience where 386 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,440 Speaker 10: people said thank you for being so brave and having 387 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 10: us all over, and it just felt like we're all 388 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,520 Speaker 10: we've all been living in this building together for years. 389 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 10: We passed each other in the hallways like like I 390 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,280 Speaker 10: hear your noise upstairs, Like how is it brave to 391 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 10: have people over? But I think we want to work 392 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 10: toward a world where that is no longer strange and 393 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 10: oh my goodness, wow, they did that, but something that's 394 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 10: just normal. 395 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,640 Speaker 11: We're building something real here, one episode at a time. 396 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 11: If you want to be part of it, subscribe, it's free, 397 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 11: it matters, and we're just getting started. 398 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 3: Now back to my legacymel. 399 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,160 Speaker 5: Your new book that Let Them Theory. It encourages people 400 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,200 Speaker 5: to just let control go over other people's choices. 401 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 1: Absolutely so. Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool 402 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,919 Speaker 1: that helps you identify literally in a moment, what's in 403 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: your control and what's not your control, and the way 404 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: that you use it is very simple. If you're in 405 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: a situation and some other person is stressing you out, 406 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,359 Speaker 1: or upsetting you or offending you, or you're worried about them, 407 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: or they're treating you poorly, you literally say let them 408 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,640 Speaker 1: because the number one thing in light that you will never, ever, ever, 409 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,439 Speaker 1: ever be able to control is another human being. You 410 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 1: can't control what they think, you can't control what they do, 411 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,400 Speaker 1: You cannot control how they feel, period And any psychologists 412 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 1: will tell you that anytime that you spend trying to 413 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: only makes you feel more stressed, out, frustrated, and out 414 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:10,239 Speaker 1: of control. And the problem for all of us, and 415 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: I didn't learn as so as fifty four years old. 416 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:17,360 Speaker 1: If I had known this way back when, I would 417 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 1: literally not have been a walking red flag for most 418 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,919 Speaker 1: of my life. I would not have taken my stress 419 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,280 Speaker 1: out of my family. I would have been more peaceful 420 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:29,680 Speaker 1: and more powerful because I had no idea how much 421 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: power I'd given to other people, and neither nobody does 422 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:39,320 Speaker 1: because we don't understand how we're turning other people into 423 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: the problem. And I've got very important and exciting information. 424 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,959 Speaker 1: It says, if you feel tired in life, if you 425 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,160 Speaker 1: are frustrated, if you're stuck, if you're stressed out, if 426 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 1: you feel like you never have time for yourself, if 427 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: you're just not as happy as you'd like to be, 428 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 1: the problem isn't you. The problem is you're unknowingly giving 429 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,359 Speaker 1: power to other people. Do it in four ways. You 430 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,679 Speaker 1: allow them to stress you out, yep, you worry about 431 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 1: and you manage what they're thinking. You navigate your life 432 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,960 Speaker 1: based on their moods and their opinions and their disappointment 433 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 1: and their guilt and their expectations. And you paralyze yourself 434 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 1: because you're chronically comparing yourself to them and telling yourself 435 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,879 Speaker 1: that if they're successful or they're this, then I can't 436 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: have it, and it's simply not true. And what they 437 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,800 Speaker 1: let them. Theory does is that any situation that you're 438 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,240 Speaker 1: in and you know you're going to use it with 439 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,320 Speaker 1: your family more than anybody, because I think family teaches 440 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 1: you how to love people you hate sometimes, right, you 441 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: gotta let them because you're not going to change them. 442 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,840 Speaker 1: And what you will learn as you start to use 443 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: this is people only change when they feel like changing. 444 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: People only change when they're ready to change. People only 445 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: change when they're ready to do the hard work to change. 446 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:58,439 Speaker 1: And the other piece that you have to embrace is 447 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 1: that we think worrying about or pressuring or judging or 448 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,719 Speaker 1: pushing people to change motivates people to change. It's actually 449 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: the opposite. If you look at the wiring of a 450 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: human being, everybody has a fundamental need for control. When 451 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,160 Speaker 1: you're in control of what you're thinking about in your 452 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:18,120 Speaker 1: decisions and your future and the environment that you're in, 453 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,840 Speaker 1: you actually feel safe. And the problem is if Martin's 454 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 1: doing something that is worrying me, now, his behavior is 455 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,640 Speaker 1: something I want to control. But Martin has the same 456 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,640 Speaker 1: need to control his life as I do. So when 457 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,359 Speaker 1: I start to push on Martin or suggests that Martin 458 00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,639 Speaker 1: should do this or should do that, what does Martin do? 459 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,880 Speaker 1: Martin pushes back because he needs to be in control. 460 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:48,480 Speaker 1: And I didn't realize that I was creating so much 461 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:55,119 Speaker 1: unnecessary friction and frustration and distance with people in my life. 462 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,160 Speaker 1: I didn't realize how much time and energy I was losing, 463 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,160 Speaker 1: because you know, let's just take a simple example. You're 464 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,360 Speaker 1: at the grocery store and there's five people in front 465 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,480 Speaker 1: of you and there's one cash. 466 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:14,480 Speaker 12: You you've all been there, yes, And immediately the stress 467 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,119 Speaker 12: rises up inside you, and then all of a sudden 468 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:18,720 Speaker 12: you get agitated. 469 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,800 Speaker 1: And then you start thinking why are they not calling 470 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,720 Speaker 1: in it? And then you're looking around, and then you 471 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: start thinking you can run the store better than anyboe. 472 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,679 Speaker 1: And now let's just stop and actually really look at 473 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 1: what this is. This is you giving power to something 474 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,840 Speaker 1: that you do not control. And when you do that, 475 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: a number of things happen. Number one did you notice 476 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:44,400 Speaker 1: is the stress goes up your life. First, energy goes out, 477 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:52,800 Speaker 1: so you are allowing stupid, meaningless all kinds of irritating 478 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,440 Speaker 1: people that are beneath you and not worth your time 479 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 1: and energy. You are allowing it to exhaust you and 480 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,159 Speaker 1: you don't have to. And the solution is just to 481 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:06,520 Speaker 1: say let them, and immediately you feel peace because what 482 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:10,919 Speaker 1: you're doing is you're tapping into a tremendous like I 483 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,719 Speaker 1: feel like I've got everybody's ancestors with me. Because this 484 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:18,199 Speaker 1: is an application of stoicism, of Buddhism, of radical acceptance, 485 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:25,719 Speaker 1: of detachment, theory of literally not reacting and staying in 486 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:31,320 Speaker 1: your peace, and then something interesting happens. You say the 487 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,960 Speaker 1: second part, which is let me, let me remind myself 488 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,520 Speaker 1: that in any situation, I have power because there are 489 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 1: three things I can control. I can control what I 490 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: think about. Next, I can control what I do or 491 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,800 Speaker 1: I don't do, because you can leave the supermarket if 492 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,639 Speaker 1: you never have time to talk to your friend, you 493 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: could pick up the phone and call your friend or 494 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,399 Speaker 1: your grandma. You could practice meditation, you could say a prayer. 495 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: If you say, let me and remind me yourself that 496 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:05,000 Speaker 1: you have power, right, and so that's what it is. 497 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,560 Speaker 3: And also you said you know all of these different ancestors. 498 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 3: Also this also is you're bringing in the ancestor of 499 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,719 Speaker 3: Martin Luther King Junior and the whole civil rights movement. Yes, 500 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,240 Speaker 3: because I think what people also forget is that, you know, 501 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:24,080 Speaker 3: they just see kind of one one step of you know, 502 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 3: civil disobedience is just one step in the process. But before, 503 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,159 Speaker 3: when you're talking about the lunch counters, you're talking about 504 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:37,919 Speaker 3: the freedom writers, Yes they were they trained. Yes, you know, 505 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,119 Speaker 3: they didn't just go and you know and so and 506 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,399 Speaker 3: Alelan reackt, Yes, and it was a lot of what 507 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,040 Speaker 3: exactly that you're talking about, and let them like this 508 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 3: is like they're going to do this. Yes, I you know, 509 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:56,360 Speaker 3: I choose, I choose how then I will respond to that. 510 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 3: And what I also think is important is like, you 511 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,560 Speaker 3: have to it is trained. Yes, it is true. It 512 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 3: is you know, you have to think about it and 513 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 3: you have to. 514 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,359 Speaker 1: Yes, it is disciplined. And here's the other thing. It 515 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,399 Speaker 1: is because a lot of people hear this and then 516 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: they'll say, wait, you're just allowing people to walk all 517 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: over you. You're allowing people to abuse you. And I'm like, oh, no, 518 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,120 Speaker 1: it's the opposite, because you're actually allowing it. Now when 519 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,119 Speaker 1: you say let them, it's almost like you're allowing it 520 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,960 Speaker 1: without allowing it. Because you're saying, I see the reality here, 521 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,359 Speaker 1: and I see that I can't control this, and so 522 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: I choose my response because I know I do have power, 523 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: and oftentimes the best response is no response. The best 524 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:44,120 Speaker 1: response is peace. And we give too much energy and 525 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,080 Speaker 1: too much fear into things we can't control, and in 526 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,479 Speaker 1: doing so, we blind ourselves to the fact that you 527 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: always have control. And you know, whether you're talking about 528 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,280 Speaker 1: a family dynamic, or you're talking about a community, or 529 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: you're talking about a world at large, I see. I 530 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 1: find it just so sad and fascinating that we always 531 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,600 Speaker 1: let the most challenging and toxic behavior seem to get 532 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,400 Speaker 1: all the power. But I actually think the opposite is true. 533 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,959 Speaker 1: I believe that the person that is peaceful, I believe 534 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 1: that the person that understands their power. I believe the 535 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: person who actually constantly reminds themselves, wait a minute, I 536 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,200 Speaker 1: have power here because I have power over my thoughts, 537 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 1: I have power over my actions. I have power over 538 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,760 Speaker 1: how I allow my emotions to rise and fall. And 539 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:37,000 Speaker 1: it's inside that power that any single person can change 540 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:42,200 Speaker 1: something for the better. And that's what because you're responding 541 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 1: and not reacting, yes and responding is when you come 542 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 1: from a place of power. Yes, and it's also how 543 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:54,840 Speaker 1: you take personal responsibility. Yeah, let's talk about responsibility because 544 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,720 Speaker 1: the word responsibility is just the ability to respond and 545 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:04,800 Speaker 1: everybody has that. And so when you really remind yourself 546 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 1: of that, now you can be the person that changes everything. 547 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: Because it just takes one person to change the energy 548 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,680 Speaker 1: and dynamic and a family. It takes one person who 549 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: cares enough to change the politics in a country. It 550 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,880 Speaker 1: takes one person to just shift everything. And if you 551 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 1: don't like where you're at, or you don't like where 552 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: your family's at, or you don't like something in a relationship, 553 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: or you don't like something in the world at large, 554 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 1: that one person is you. And as long as you 555 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 1: give your time and energy, and you give other people power, 556 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: their opinions, all of it, none of what you can control. 557 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 1: You are not present to the power you actually have 558 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 1: and the time and the energy that you need to 559 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: create the change that you capable of changing. 560 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 2: We're taking a short break over the holidays, but we're 561 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,719 Speaker 2: not leaving you empty handed. Every Tuesday, we're sharing some 562 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:04,440 Speaker 2: of the best moments from twenty twenty five to help 563 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 2: set you up for a great new Year. We'll be 564 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 2: back with all new episodes on January thirteenth. Make sure 565 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:14,520 Speaker 2: you subscribe so you don't miss a single one.