WEBVTT - The Fifth Hour: Black Friday Body Blow 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:01.560 Cutbooms. 0:00:02.400 --> 0:00:05.480 If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.320 a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:12.600 of the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He 0:00:12.680 --> 0:00:15.600 treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:19.720 rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to Clearinghouse of 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:23.599 hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:29.639 with Ben Mallard starts right now in. 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:34.760 The air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:40.720 and Danny g Radio. You have come within earshot of 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:44.160 this podcast. It is the twenty eighth day of November. 0:00:44.240 --> 0:00:47.920 We had Thanksgiving yesterday, a day of football. 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:49.760 We have another game today. 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:54.640 Black Friday kicks off later on today with the Eagles 0:00:54.720 --> 0:00:58.080 hosting the Chicago Bears. A programming note, it is our 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:03.440 doorbuster special, Benny Versus the Penny. You can get my 0:01:03.680 --> 0:01:06.920 pick on the Bears and the Eagles. I know Lucky 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:11.080 Tony is excited to watch that, and so is ferg 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:13.640 Dog and Alf and all the regulars will be over 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:16.440 there watching that as they waltz through life. So that 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:18.560 content will be up later today. We'll have the full 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:22.640 episode of Benny Versus the Penny I was gonna post 0:01:22.640 --> 0:01:26.320 it already, but my good friend Tom Looney in production 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:31.199 Looney did not send me the copy of Benny Versus 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:33.640 the Penny. It's actually in the can. It'll be up 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:37.200 here later today. On this podcast, you've heard of the 0:01:37.240 --> 0:01:40.679 Great Battles. How about the Battle of Costco Hill. The 0:01:40.720 --> 0:01:44.520 Battle of Costco Hill, it's a revolutionary war story back 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:47.560 in black and the word of the week. 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:49.800 We'll start with this. 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:54.200 So, as you go through life, there are certain checkpoints 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:57.600 that you have to go through, and certain things that 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:03.320 test your metal, that make you question whether the fellow 0:02:03.400 --> 0:02:06.480 human beings that you share this world with it's mortal coil, 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:11.240 whether they know what they're doing, whether the all of 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:14.760 society is hanging on by dental floss. Now, one of 0:02:14.800 --> 0:02:20.520 those moments happened to me earlier this week, the day 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:21.720 before Thanksgiving. 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:27.320 So I have two words for you. Costco Run. Now. 0:02:27.360 --> 0:02:29.080 I talk about Costco a lot. It's one of the 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:31.000 things I do on a regular basis. So a lot 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:33.200 of the stories that I tell you on this podcast 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:37.720 are somehow related to Costco because I spend time at Costco. 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:38.960 Now, I'm not. 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:43.240 Talking about your random Tuesday afternoon meander where you sashchet 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:46.560 your way around Costco and you eat a lot of 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:49.360 samples and you might buy some double A batteries. Maybe 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:51.800 you take a bag of pretzels or something like that. 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:59.600 I'm talking about a Wednesday Costco trip, the day before Thanksgiving, 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:02.639 the big one. This is where you get the Costco 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:04.799 and it's like a religious revival. 0:03:05.840 --> 0:03:06.400 The day. 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:11.440 The parking lot looks like an evacuation scene from Armageddon. 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:15.520 They're loading up Noah's Arc, getting two of every animal, 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:20.440 and the shopping carts move in this formation. These convoys 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:25.040 like navy destroyers through the asphalt and the parking lot. 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:28.200 And this is not shopping. This is a quest. It 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:31.160 is a quest. So I got the text the reason 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.680 I went on Wednesday. I got the text, can you 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:37.440 grab a couple of pies and some dinner rolls for 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:38.200 my work? 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:41.160 I got a thing of things. My wife had. 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:44.040 Sent this to me. Some of you know she's a 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:46.720 nine to one to one operator and they have more 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:51.400 events with food at police stations. So her job was 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:54.360 to bring the pie and the roles. And since she 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:57.640 was sleeping and I don't sleep very much. I'm only 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:00.320 sleeping four or five hours a day, I guess I'll 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:01.400 go out and go to the store. 0:04:01.480 --> 0:04:02.200 No problem. 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:06.480 So I went out, did my thing and did the 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.640 Costco trip again. This is the this is not the 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:15.440 amateur one. And I went there and I had no map. 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.760 You know, there's muscle memory. I didn't get a pep talk. 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:23.320 I just had the outline of the mission, pie and 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:28.120 dinner rolls, and the ominous sense that I might not return. 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:29.240 This could be the end of me. 0:04:29.800 --> 0:04:32.520 I might be swallowed up into some kind of portal 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:36.920 going to another dimension. It'll be a Kirkland brand dimension, 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:38.760 and that could happen. 0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:39.480 I don't know. 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:44.719 So there's really no casual way to get the Costco. 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:51.560 The day before Thanksgiving it felt like the NFL Combine. 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:55.000 You know they do that thing in Indianapolis, the Underwear Olympics. 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:57.600 Instead of the forty yard dash and the cone drill. 0:04:57.720 --> 0:05:01.039 People were competing in who can get through self checkout 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:02.760 with without losing their sanity? 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:06.640 Right, that old thing? Where do I find a shopping cart? 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:08.400 There's none here? Where do I go? 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:11.880 So, because they were all out in the parking lot, 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:16.880 so I grabbed my metaphorical armor, my version of chainmail, 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.360 the modern version, and I stormed through the sliding door 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:24.440 into medieval times. 0:05:24.520 --> 0:05:26.440 If you will, I was like a medieval night. 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:31.440 Just think of me as swashbuckling my way into the battlefield. 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:35.360 I didn't have a sword. I had an iPhone and 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:40.520 my Kirkland brand membership. Now, truth be told, Costco is undefeated. 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:45.400 It doesn't just test your endurance like the New York Marathon. 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:46.600 It abuses it. 0:05:46.760 --> 0:05:51.440 Suddenly you're buying garlic that the quantities of the garlic 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:54.760 are large enough to provide relief to an entire continent 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:59.600 somewhere in Africa. And you walk in for two items 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:03.400 and you leave in for somehow you're like in an 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:08.720 inflatable kayak that is the size of Rhode Island and 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:14.240 enough toilet paper to last at least three, possibly four presidencies. 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:16.680 Like you have that much. And so my first stop 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:18.360 was to pick up the dinner rolls. I figured, this 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:20.280 is no problem. How hard could this be? I can 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:23.040 figure this out. And I'm guessing that even though it's 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:25.160 the day before Thanksgiving, this is not going to be 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:26.440 a popular part of Costco. 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:27.600 So I made my way. 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:30.000 I knew, because I'm a Costco veteran, I knew where 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:35.120 the dinner rolls were aisle forty seven B. Everyone knows 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:37.880 the gold standard when it comes to a dinner roll 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:42.120 is a Hawaiian role. It's sweet, it's soft, it's got 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:45.360 the pillowy carbs there. It's a gift from the gods. 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:48.599 It's really not the nectar of the gods. It's the 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:51.880 bread of the gods. But here's something I've long argued 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:55.560 on the radio. I got married in Hawaii. I've been 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:57.719 to Hawaii many times. I love the Hawaiian islands. The 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:03.080 people are great, wonderful, the scenery is amazing. It's the 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.760 most beautiful place I've ever been is the Nepali coast 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:06.799 on Kawaii. 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:09.880 It's amazing, just absolute paradise. 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:16.800 However, there's something that is not right about Hawaii is 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:17.239 the food. 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:18.000 I don't love it. 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:22.360 I'll swim with the fish, However, I don't eat the fish, 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.679 and that's a problem. That's a bit of a problem. 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.640 I don't really care for spam. I'm not a spam guy, 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:32.200 and I will make the exception with Hawaii Hawaiian roles. 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:36.320 And I learned I was curious. I said, well, I 0:07:36.360 --> 0:07:37.400 wonder what island they're from. 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.320 I thought, well, maybe they're from Kawaii and that's the 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:41.120 island I got married and I was going to tell 0:07:41.200 --> 0:07:44.280 some big story and oh, by the way, these rolls 0:07:44.680 --> 0:07:48.760 have a sentimental meeting, now they don't. They Actually Hawaiian 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:54.520 roles come from Portuguese immigrants who arrived in Hawaii in 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:59.840 the late nineteenth century and brought their native recipes sweetbread 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:04.280 recip he's with him from Portugal, and over time the 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:09.200 bread got rebranded. Portugal made the dough. Why he got 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:15.560 the credit, and it's bread essentially wearing an a loha skirt, 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:16.720 and what's wrong with that? 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:17.200 Nothing? 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:20.280 And I'll tell you this, Costco stacks those rolls up 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:26.240 like they're preparing for a delicious carbohydrate apocalypse. And I 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:30.760 don't have a problem with that. Entire mountains man made 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:37.480 mountains and would literally just bury a tesla, would just 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:40.840 be buried in this. And then came the moment, the 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:43.920 real test, the pie aisle. The Hawaiian role thing was 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.840 that was child's play to my right, So imagine me. 0:08:46.840 --> 0:08:48.760 I'll get into the pie and it's really kind of 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:50.680 near the bakery, so I don't know pie aisles the 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:51.400 right way, but. 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:54.560 It's still kind of aisles. So I get to the 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:55.080 pie aisle. 0:08:55.120 --> 0:09:01.360 To my right, they have arranged apple pies, each one identical. 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:05.800 It's synchronized. It's like in the Olympics synchronized swimmers. But 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:09.400 this is the Dessert Olympics, not to be confused with 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:13.559 the housekeeping Olympics, which we workshopped on this podcast a 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:16.320 few weeks ago. To my left, so I've got to 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:18.280 my right, I've got the apple pies. To my left, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:22.600 this massive pumpkin pie display that at the time, it 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:26.840 felt large enough to affect the gravitational pull, Like if 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:30.360 I took the pumpkin pie out, I would somehow, you know, 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:34.880 somebody would fall over in New Zealand because of that. 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:37.640 And I saw one of them had its own weather system. 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:40.760 It was that big, that big a pumpkin pie. And 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.520 so I froze for a moment. I stared, and I 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:47.079 debated in my head. Now this is a conversation I'm 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:48.720 having in my head. I'm not having this out loud. 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:50.840 I'm not talking about this out loud. So I'm like 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.400 an apple pie, pumpkin pie, apple pie, pumpkin pie, apple pie, 0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:56.319 pumpkin pie, apple pie, pumpkin pie. 0:09:56.360 --> 0:09:57.040 What am I gonna do? 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:00.040 And I was deep in thought when I saw, but 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:05.480 not the spotlight, not the light from the gods, not 0:10:05.679 --> 0:10:10.280 center stage. Off to the side, like a backup singer 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:17.880 at the Grammys, was a separate display peep pecan pie 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:21.080 ding ding ding ding ding. Now, let me be very clear, 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:22.280 for those of you in the back of the room, 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:24.240 those of you that aren't paying close attention because you're 0:10:24.280 --> 0:10:26.720 doing the Honeydew List or you're just living your life, 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:30.760 pecan pie is not just dessert. It's the unicorn of 0:10:30.800 --> 0:10:34.800 the pie world. It's a seasonal pie, which makes it rare, 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:38.560 which makes it more valuable. Sometimes you'll get it for 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:42.520 the Christmas season, barely see it where I am the 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:45.640 rest of the year. You don't just buy pecan pie. 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:50.080 Pecan pie chooses you. So I marched towards it. In 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:53.040 my head, it was in slow motion, like a scene 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:56.480 from that old baseball movie The Natural, and the music 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:59.280 was playing, the sappy music was playing in my head, 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:03.880 and I picked it up gently, like the scene from 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:07.280 The Lion King when they lifted Simba there and I whispered, 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:12.480 you're coming home with Daddy, And then I tossed an 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:15.480 apple pie and a pumpkin pie into the cart for 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:20.880 my wife's office office office police station thing. The Thanksgiving 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:24.880 deal because you know, again, I don't do lists, as 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:27.040 you know, Terry and England knows that we don't do 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:30.680 this on this podcast, but we do do Big Benz 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:35.640 Big Pie Board where every pie has its lane. Now, 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:37.600 I'm not going to include the King of all pies, 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.640 Banana cream pie, because that was not an option. I'm 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:42.520 not going to give you Key Lime Pie, which is 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:46.240 a very solid pie. I just had my key Lime 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:50.200 Pie recently in the last year. Here a couple of 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:54.240 them from our friend in Florida who sent those out. 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:58.439 So on Big Ben's Big Pie Board where every pie 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.280 has its lane, you've got got apple pie, which is 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:04.439 the I call that the Swiss Army Knife of dessert. 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:08.040 It's available year round. Every major restaurant has apple pie. 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:11.240 You never have to worry about a supply chain shortage 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:14.400 of apple pie. It's just always there when you live 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:18.920 in America. Now, pumpkin pie has a short lifespan. It's 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:23.240 kind of like the NC doublea men's basketball tournament, and 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:26.360 it goes some selection Sunday and really kind of interest 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:30.720 wanes after the first weekend of the men's basketball tournament, 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:32.640 then picks up again for the final four. But the 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:38.960 pumpkin pie from relatively say October fifteenth through possibly January first, 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:42.120 it's a seasonal pie. Now, pecan pie is like that 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:46.559 rare comet that flies across the holidays. Guys, you never 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.400 really know when it's going to be available, other than 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:54.880 possibly around Christmas. So I got everything, and at checkout, 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:58.840 I then got a body blow, body blow, a gut punch. 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:01.679 You want to take a guess how much the three 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.040 pies and the dinner rolls cost me? 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:07.880 Ding ding ding ding ding. 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:13.040 Yeah, three pies and a bag of Hawaiian rolls cost 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:18.480 me seventy dollars. Now, look, I am not saying I 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:22.200 expect to get some kind of overnight talk radio discount 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:25.320 or a military discount or any kind of discount. I 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:28.760 just thought for seventy bucks, I should have at least 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:33.400 gotten a back massage, shoulder rub, maybe a whisper like, hey, 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:35.440 you're doing great over there, We thank you. 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:37.120 How about a puppy. 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:42.560 I would have liked a puppy, or but no, you 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:45.760 swipe the card at the self checkout and you move 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:50.800 a long soldier and don't look back. Inflation, my friends, 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:53.120 you're dealing with the same stuff I'm doing. 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:54.080 With is undefeated. 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:59.280 And those pies rang up like they were being hand 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:02.880 crafted at a bakery that's been around since the sixteen 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:07.840 hundreds in Peri, and then flown in not coach but 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:13.680 first class to America from Zimbabwe. So they started in Perie, 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:17.000 they went to Zimbabwe and then made their way back 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.600 to the States. Now in the moment, I thought, well, 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:23.360 this is insanity, this is ky, this is Costco and 0:14:23.560 --> 0:14:26.800 again we were talking about the event is one of 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:29.240 the great events in history, the Battle of Costco Hill. 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:33.040 We're doing the Battle of Costco Hill and it's not easy. 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:35.680 It's not easy to do the Battle of Costco Hill. 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.600 And then I thought, well, this is Thanksgiving. This is 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:42.520 what it's all about, right, small missions carried out by 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:48.680 exhausted people or someone else who is out there and 0:14:48.720 --> 0:14:52.280 they need the help. And it's all about the meal. 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:57.080 It's a war meal. Your dad, a husband, whatever, wife, teenagers, kids, 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:01.320 and you do these errands and no one's gonna remember. 0:15:01.320 --> 0:15:01.680 That's the thing. 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:05.440 You don't remember what you ate. Nobody will remember what 0:15:05.600 --> 0:15:09.280 brand of pie I bought, what size of pie I bought. 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.320 Nobody will care where it was apple, pumpkin, or pecan. 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:17.200 But they'll remember that there was pie and they showed 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:21.560 up and I brought the pie to the table, and 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.720 that's it. That's part of the Thanksgiving festivitus. Even though 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:27.320 I did not partake in the apple or the pumpkin, 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:28.600 did not do that. 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:30.280 And there you go. 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:35.440 Just another day meandering around Costco on a holiday, the 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:38.680 day before a holiday. Now, speaking of that today is 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:42.360 kind of a big deal. Back in black The things 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:47.280 you should know about Black Friday, which is today, and 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:50.560 it really is not about shopping. When you dig deep, 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:57.200 it's about a subculture. It's about an identity. It's about belonging, 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:01.080 and a lot of what we do in a lot 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:04.560 of what we do is about belonging. It's about the 0:16:04.600 --> 0:16:11.280 only American religion you know, is we all practice right? 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:13.240 A lot of people have different relgions. Some people aren't 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:16.080 religious at all. Yeah, it's fine. I don't know. 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:18.880 Whatever gets you through life, as long as don't just 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:20.520 don't bother me. I'm not going to bother you. 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:25.480 The thing that stands out though, the religion of America 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:29.840 is consumerism, the great unifier, the soft anthem, the pledge 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:33.480 of allegiance with a receipt at the end, and it. 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:36.479 Began with panic, not pleasures. 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:40.280 So the history of black Friday as a term the 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:44.080 experts dated to eighteen sixty nine. 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:47.360 Hello, eighteen sixty nine. 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:51.280 It was used to describe an economic disaster, a gold 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:57.920 speculation scandal that rocked Wall Street and left these monstrosities. 0:16:57.960 --> 0:16:59.920 These newspapers searching. 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:03.440 For a word to capture the carnage, and the newspapers 0:17:03.480 --> 0:17:07.760 came up with this word, which was dark and ominous 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:11.960 and unstable, and that's what they came up with, black Friday. 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:17.240 Now you fast forward to the nineteen fifties and Philadelphia, 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:21.880 so we're talking about eighty some years after the initial 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.360 black Friday was used, and this was in Philadelphia. Police 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.840 used the same phrase, but they used it to describe 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:37.760 this nightmre shopping situation post Thanksgiving, with traffic everywhere, pickpockets, 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:43.080 crowds behaving like animals. It was not a celebration. It 0:17:43.240 --> 0:17:47.479 was crowd control. And the cops in Philadelphia called it 0:17:47.600 --> 0:17:51.920 black Friday, and they had to deal with all these 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:53.919 people who were out of control because they wanted to 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:58.000 get a deal on products. And so naturally, in this country, 0:17:58.840 --> 0:18:02.520 the one that can take a headache and turn it 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:07.480 into a holiday. Did what we always do. We monetized 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.240 Black Friday. We said, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is chaos, 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:13.760 but we can sell a lot of crap, and we 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.720 want to sell a lot of crap because America does 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:19.840 not believe in bad ideas, only unbranded ideas. 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:20.440 That's it. 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:24.919 And so retailers. It started in Philadelphia, but they flipped 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:29.680 the narrative. They said, oh, okay, you guys misunderstand Black Friday. 0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:33.119 The black part is not some kind of calamity. Black 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:36.720 is about profit. It means we're in the black. You're 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:38.480 in the red, you're losing money, you're in the black. 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:39.080 That's great. 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:43.640 This day is not disorder, it is economic rebirth. 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:46.800 Halllelujah, hallelujah. 0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:53.920 And just like that in exorcism, a linguistic exorcism occurred. 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:58.320 Black no longer meant danger, it meant deals. Graphic designers added, 0:18:58.560 --> 0:19:03.920 sparkle ads cheered, the crowd arrived, chaos was. 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:09.640 No longer going on. And so that was the tradition. 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:13.760 It was a tradition, and that's the American special, not reinvention. 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:18.040 You just reframed stuff. And as I've gone through life, 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:21.399 you learn certain things. It's the same reason when I 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:28.119 was a kid, made in Japan was synonymous with cheap, 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:31.000 and I heard this from my parents and relatives and 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:33.880 all that because it was after World War Two. 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:37.160 You know, I was born way after World War Two. 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:41.760 But the phrase made in Japan was synonymous for cheap 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.520 in the nineteen forties, and by the time I was 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:49.320 a kid, and it had changed in the engineering excellence 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:52.679 of Japan. By the nineteen eighties, it became synonymous with 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:56.160 good things. It's the same reason bad became praise after 0:19:56.240 --> 0:20:00.560 Michael Jackson moonwalked that phrase into the dictionary. The same 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:04.640 reason underdog once meant loser in a dog fight. Now 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:08.560 it's the most beloved arc in sports. Oh, an underdog. 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:11.479 Everyone loves the underdog. Words don't change. They do not 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:15.199 change the words. You repeat something enough and eventually it 0:20:15.240 --> 0:20:18.400 becomes true. And phrases, and we lived in a period 0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:23.320 where people try to redefine phrases and things like that. 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:25.480 It's a messy situation. Now. 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.240 If you watch a department store at four in the 0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:31.960 morning on Black Friday, it's no longer a store. 0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:33.600 It has become theater. 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:37.760 A running back darting through a linebacker through the a 0:20:37.960 --> 0:20:41.840 gap and then getting dog piled. Is no different than 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:46.600 a shopper sprinting down the left side, turning right and 0:20:46.640 --> 0:20:50.240 then going fast and then turning left because that's where 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:53.000 they want to get to the target aisle for the 0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:58.879 last seventy inch Samsung television, which is fifty five percent off. 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:03.720 But only that, only this day, because America on Black 0:21:03.760 --> 0:21:07.320 Friday today stops being a country and becomes a checkout line. 0:21:07.840 --> 0:21:13.239 We call it shopping in quotes, but be honest, it 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:16.560 feels more like hunting. It feels like you're on a 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:21.080 scavenger hunt. People don't browse, they stalk. They camp out 0:21:21.119 --> 0:21:25.359 like pilgrims on asphalt. They rush the doors like a 0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:31.160 jail break. And this is not merely commerce. This is chemistry, 0:21:31.359 --> 0:21:37.400 is what it is. It's a dopamine surge disguised as patriotism, 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:40.879 helping the American economy. It also teaches the one rule 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:46.879 that has quietly shaped our entire culture. If everyone else 0:21:47.080 --> 0:21:52.080 wants something, you must want it to You just have 0:21:52.160 --> 0:21:55.359 to want it again. It's not this one's not capitalism. 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:59.240 It's social survival is what it is. And human beings 0:21:59.320 --> 0:22:02.800 are grammable. You learn that as you get through life, 0:22:02.920 --> 0:22:06.000 you like to think, Oh no, I'm not programmable. Doctor 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:09.399 Seuss taught me. I'm one of one. You can't program me. 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:13.600 But we don't really live in a democracy. We live 0:22:13.640 --> 0:22:16.760 in a brandocracy is what we live in. Because this 0:22:16.880 --> 0:22:22.360 works every year without fail, the crowd's return. I don't 0:22:22.359 --> 0:22:24.600 care how bad the economy is. I don't care about 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:28.439 any of that. And it's not because you need a 0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:33.760 new microwave or discounted towels. It's because of three things. 0:22:33.760 --> 0:22:38.480 There's three triggers that are involved in this. You've got scarcity, 0:22:38.520 --> 0:22:43.639 which triggers the survival instinct. Scarcity of food, scarcity of 0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:48.159 toaster ovens, countdown. That's something they learned in the infomercial world, 0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:52.760 where you introduce panic disguised as urgency. You better shop. 0:22:53.040 --> 0:22:55.560 These deals are going away and they're never coming back. 0:22:55.640 --> 0:23:01.320 Oh mg, crowd participation now that replaces judgment with belonging. 0:23:02.200 --> 0:23:04.200 And so really this is the group mind. 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:08.880 It's group think, the one that terrifies every man, woman 0:23:08.920 --> 0:23:12.000 and child, the one that confronts all of us, the 0:23:12.000 --> 0:23:14.439 one that we all swear we're not a part of. 0:23:14.840 --> 0:23:16.320 You might be, but I'm not. 0:23:17.560 --> 0:23:21.600 Even while we are filling up our cars. Now I 0:23:21.760 --> 0:23:27.200 don't take part in Black Friday. My wife she loves it. Right, 0:23:27.320 --> 0:23:31.959 the rise of online shopping, and you know that's big today, 0:23:32.560 --> 0:23:37.600 it's supercharged all of this. You enter cyber Monday, which 0:23:37.640 --> 0:23:41.040 is coming up here, and end of the week before sales, 0:23:41.200 --> 0:23:43.560 end of the last minute sales. You've got the month 0:23:43.640 --> 0:23:48.240 long shopping season today, fifty to sixty percent off. And 0:23:48.640 --> 0:23:54.120 countries globally now participate and start in America and some 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:58.399 version of this around the globe. About fifty percent of 0:23:58.440 --> 0:24:01.880 the countries. Europe calls it Mega Sales Day. China does 0:24:01.880 --> 0:24:06.840 its own thunderous version called Singles Day. November eleventh now 0:24:06.880 --> 0:24:11.400 the biggest shopping event on Earth. And Black Friday has 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:14.800 gone global not because it sells products, because it sells validation. 0:24:15.840 --> 0:24:19.159 And Black Friday is the latest day long line of 0:24:20.200 --> 0:24:25.280 hypnotic tricks used by Madison Avenue. To me, the greatest 0:24:25.320 --> 0:24:28.320