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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that's excited to open up their

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Speaker 1: first hotel. Unfortunately, it's grand opening is the same weekend

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Speaker 1: as the annual Bedbug.

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Speaker 2: Convention, which happens right next door. Why do the bedbugs

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Speaker 2: have to keep together so much? Going to cancel my reservation, Jess.

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Speaker 2: We'll have to see how that turns out.

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Speaker 1: With Laser Stories, the segment where we read weird news

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Speaker 1: stories around the globe, just like everyone else does, except

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Speaker 1: we've got a laser and those other pillow pass just don't.

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Speaker 2: This first laser story is out of Lakewood, Colorado.

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Speaker 1: The other day, cops got a call about a burglary

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Speaker 1: in progress around four in the morning. They received a

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Speaker 1: tip from a neighbor that the suspect was still inside

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Speaker 1: a house, so with guns drawn, the officers made their

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Speaker 1: way in scary but they couldn't find him until they

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Speaker 1: heard a sound. The sound, and when they opened the

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Speaker 1: door to the bathroom, there he was still sitting on

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Speaker 1: the commode in the dark with his pants around his head.

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Speaker 2: Stop, oh my gosh, Jeff. Police. They actually leaked the

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Speaker 2: picture of it online, and you know.

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Speaker 1: The guys like, I'm sorry, I always like to go

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Speaker 1: at work it's hard on my routine. No. When deputies

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Speaker 1: yelled put your hands up, the guy's response was, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm on the crapper.

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Speaker 2: She said put your pants up. Then he said you're lucky.

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Speaker 2: I barely made it. Oh wow, not really sure what

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Speaker 2: that's referring to. I think he's more the lucky one there.

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Speaker 1: So he's now facing second degree burglary charges. And even

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Speaker 1: the cops had fun with it. When they posted the

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Speaker 1: video up on Facebook, they titled it Burglar caught in

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Speaker 1: poopy situation as Burglar.

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Speaker 2: His next Laser stories out of Nebraska.

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Speaker 1: If foreign governments want to infiltrate the United States and

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Speaker 1: steal topscret information, they don't need hackers or double agents.

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Speaker 1: Turns out all they need is a sexy dating profile.

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Speaker 1: Oh yes, it is, because a sixty three year old

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Speaker 1: Air Force lieutenant colonel named David Slater could not resist

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Speaker 1: the attractive woman that he matched with on a dating app.

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Speaker 3: We're just have a feeling.

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Speaker 1: Well. She claimed to be from Ukraine and referred to

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Speaker 1: him in d MS as.

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Speaker 2: My sweet David. It's terrible.

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Speaker 3: Also nice, super honky secret agents.

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Speaker 2: You sound like grew.

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Speaker 1: That's got to be close, and she'd write him questions, like,

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Speaker 1: dear David, what he's shown on these screens in the

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Speaker 1: special room.

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Speaker 2: Where you work. It is very interesting. Please show it

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Speaker 2: to me. She did, and he's a tops tell me

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Speaker 2: he saw through it.

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Speaker 3: Unfortunately, sweet David could not resist, and he answered all

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Speaker 3: of her questions and even shared classified info about military

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Speaker 3: targets in Russia and more info about the war in Ukraine.

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Speaker 2: And that makes sense because she's Ukraine.

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Speaker 3: She's probably asking him questions. I know she's not real again, Jose,

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Speaker 3: she's not a really Ukrainian mode.

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Speaker 1: Where and when is Nick dronstrike is a very common

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Speaker 1: question on a first date. Yeah, Apparently he just wanted

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Speaker 1: to make his Ukrainian girlfriend happy and thought her love language.

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Speaker 2: Was military information. So he has been charged.

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Speaker 1: With sharing info from his top secret security clearance, and

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Speaker 1: if convicted on all charges, he faces up to thirty

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Speaker 1: years in prison and a fine of up to seven hundred.

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Speaker 2: And fifty thousand dollars. His girlfriend is not going to

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Speaker 2: come visit him.

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Speaker 1: His Ukrainian girlfriend has since ghosted him.

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Speaker 2: Ah, and he gave her on the sides too. You know,

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Speaker 2: he's still saying, but I loved her. Davider stories out

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Speaker 2: of Chile.

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Speaker 1: Not too long ago, the original Star Wars trilogy aired

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Speaker 1: on Chilean TV, and network executives found an interesting way

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Speaker 1: to play the whole thing and avoid ever cutting to commercials.

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Speaker 2: That's just so rare on TV.

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Speaker 1: But their idea was to splice ads for surveysa Chrystal

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Speaker 1: beer directly into the movie product.

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Speaker 2: There is a.

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Speaker 1: Saloon that they go in and Star Wars.

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Speaker 2: It would be the smart way to do it. They

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Speaker 2: went a different route.

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Speaker 1: For instance, in the first film, A New Hope, when

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Speaker 1: Obi Wan Kenobi is supposed to give Luke his father's lightsaber,

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Speaker 1: he instead reaches into a cooler and pulls out an

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Speaker 1: ice cold survey. If they just shared a couple more beers,

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Speaker 1: and maybe they wouldn't have been.

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Speaker 3: At war to begin with your blue light anyone else's

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Speaker 3: blue in the rock, he just pulls out Your dad

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Speaker 3: wanted you to have this.

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Speaker 1: Then in the Empire strikes back, when Yoda is training

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Speaker 1: Luke to become a Jedi, Lucas reaches up into the

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Speaker 1: branches of a tree and grabs a.

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Speaker 2: Can of beer. No what with his mind with his

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Speaker 2: hands didn't use the ready.

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Speaker 1: You need a cold one when you're trying intense Jedi training,

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Speaker 1: but maybe the most egregious that it happened in Return

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Speaker 1: to the Jedi when the Emperor uses the Force to summon.

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Speaker 2: A cold one. Here it is brook only the evil

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Speaker 2: person can summon a bit ye.

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Speaker 1: Supposedly the ad agency that came up with the idea

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Speaker 1: actually won an.

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Speaker 2: Award for it, but Lucasfilms was not happening. Yeah, I

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Speaker 2: bet like that's not gonna go over. Well, you can't

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Speaker 2: re edit classics.

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Speaker 1: Like, yeah, come on, So they considering what to do

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Speaker 1: about it, will keep you updated on how that goes.

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Speaker 2: I kind of hope they don't sue, because it's pretty funny.

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Speaker 1: It's next stories out of styling and profile and HQ

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Speaker 1: Beyonce Harry styles that old guy from the dose ekiast commercials.

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Speaker 1: All people who are definitely cool.

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Speaker 2: Oh, super.

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Speaker 1: Is cool?

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Speaker 2: You buy the book, But do you think you fit

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Speaker 2: into that category?

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Speaker 1: No? Well, a recent publication pulled thirty five thousand Americans

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Speaker 1: and asked, do you think you're cool?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, aren't we like paid to not be cool? I've

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Speaker 2: never been cool.

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Speaker 1: Well, it turns out most people do think they're cool.

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Speaker 1: Fifty three percent said they are definitely cool. I think

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Speaker 1: I'm cool because I know I'm not cool.

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Speaker 2: Alexis, do you think you're cool?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well you are awkward.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: She did just flip her hair when she said so.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Men a little more likely to say yes, And obviously

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Speaker 1: age mattered to three quarters of Americans under thirty think

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Speaker 1: they're absolutely cool, and even twenty eight percent of seniors

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Speaker 1: would describe themselves as the cat's pajamas.

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Speaker 2: And I can get up, I will say. The older

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Speaker 2: I've gotten, I feel the cooler I've gotten. Yeah, that's interesting.

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Speaker 2: At least one person holds that opinion, and it's you. Yeah, Well,

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Speaker 2: what about this guy?

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Speaker 1: He's cool every single day, oh man, Probably because he

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Speaker 1: sleeps on a doctor Shoal's jail, energizing comfort.

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Speaker 2: Insul like technically cool. He didn't even buy it out.

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Speaker 2: One of his booty calls left, and in his stead,

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Speaker 2: he's just doing the cool thing. That sound means.

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Speaker 1: Laser Stories has come to an end for the day.

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Speaker 1: We'll do it again the same time on Friday

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Speaker 2: Frooking Jeffrey in the morning,