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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm not come to

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Speaker 1: stuff I've never told your production of iHeart Radio. So

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Speaker 1: before we get into this one, a quick trigger warning

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Speaker 1: about eating disorders or any like just bad relationship around food,

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Speaker 1: because I kind of wanted to look back into my

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Speaker 1: relationship with food as I guess through this pandemic and

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Speaker 1: through this podcast, I'm going to be revisiting issues like

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Speaker 1: this and trying to get to the bottom of them,

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Speaker 1: which I appreciate you all giving me the space and

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Speaker 1: giving me the year, But yes, I would avoid this one.

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Speaker 1: If you've got a rough relationship with food, or even

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Speaker 1: if you know, like today is not your day, maybe

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Speaker 1: maybe avoid it. So I wanted to talk about this

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Speaker 1: because I know I've discussed in previous podcasts that I

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Speaker 1: don't really get hungry, that have kind of destroyed that

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Speaker 1: part of myself, and it's just been sticking out to

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Speaker 1: me lately because through a variety of reasons, I have

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Speaker 1: been fortunate enough to hang out with people and a

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Speaker 1: lot of times food is involved in that, and I

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Speaker 1: have found that I have really struggled with eating, like

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Speaker 1: it's the saddest It's like trying to force yourself to

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Speaker 1: eat something and you feel like vomiting that it's just

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Speaker 1: there's nothing in it that's pleasurable, there's no want to

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Speaker 1: eat something, and I just feel like I'm forcing myself

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Speaker 1: to do something that makes me feel sick. And there

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Speaker 1: are a lot of things that are going into this

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Speaker 1: that have complicated it, and one is, you know, I

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Speaker 1: happened to be on a feminist podcast and a food podcast.

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Speaker 1: So I've just had to ask myself a lot of

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Speaker 1: questions about this and about how I'll speak about it,

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Speaker 1: because I want to be truthful and open, but I

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Speaker 1: also don't want to play into things that have in

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Speaker 1: particular been weaponized against women when we're talking about dieting,

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Speaker 1: when we're talking about eating. And so I remember when

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Speaker 1: I first started doing this show, I was embarrassed or

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Speaker 1: like I just felt like I couldn't even talk about it,

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Speaker 1: Like I couldn't even talk about whatever struggles I had

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Speaker 1: with dieting or with my body image and weight and

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Speaker 1: what have you, because I didn't want to set a

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Speaker 1: bad example. But at the same time, I was having

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Speaker 1: those and am having those struggles. So navigating that line

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Speaker 1: of what is responsible, what is the safe thing, what

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Speaker 1: is your obligation or not obligation, because I also am

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Speaker 1: a big believer that you have to take care of

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Speaker 1: yourself and look out for Why you are talking about

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Speaker 1: something on our podcast that people can listen to and

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Speaker 1: consume in their own way or are internalizing their own way, perhaps,

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Speaker 1: But I just I know that a lot of people

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Speaker 1: are struggling with this as we've been kind of inside

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Speaker 1: and haven't been able to go out, and their concerns

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Speaker 1: about grocery shopping and what people eat. And then for me,

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Speaker 1: like in specific, it really plays into my upcoming Happy

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Speaker 1: Hour episode, my inability to like know what I want

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Speaker 1: and no one to say no or feel like I

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Speaker 1: can say no. But it's just it's the saddest, It's

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Speaker 1: what It's a very sad experience to be eating something

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Speaker 1: and to just have really through life experiences and through

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Speaker 1: media you've consumed and through all of these messages you've

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Speaker 1: you've internalized, have completely ruined your relationship with food because

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Speaker 1: I don't enjoy it. It makes me feel sick occasionally,

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Speaker 1: Like if it's like a soup, I really like a

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Speaker 1: good soup. But like it's just laughing because you said that,

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Speaker 1: mainly laughing because I know, yes, you do love soup,

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Speaker 1: and the level of love for soup is quite large,

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Speaker 1: into the point that I assume for every lunch, yes,

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Speaker 1: you're drinking soup. Kind of I would be, I mean.

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Speaker 1: And that's the thing too, is like there are food

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Speaker 1: that I love. So this is confusing even to me,

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Speaker 1: and this is something I've been trying to give myself

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Speaker 1: space with and understand that it's just natural. But it's

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Speaker 1: like I have an alarm and I eat at two

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Speaker 1: times per day and I set the alarm. It's like

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Speaker 1: you're going to eat. So it's not a hunger based thing.

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Speaker 1: But I do have I do have foods that I

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Speaker 1: love and that I want and then I crave. It's

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Speaker 1: just in general, my experience is not that it's the

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Speaker 1: Almost the reason I crave those foods is because I

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Speaker 1: don't let myself have them or I just don't have

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Speaker 1: them very often. It feels like a special experience, and

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Speaker 1: therefore I can enjoy that. But it's almost again, it's

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Speaker 1: not about the food. It's about not it's about limiting

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Speaker 1: what you can have and having all of these boundaries

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Speaker 1: around it and all of this guilt around it. So

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Speaker 1: it's almost like the reason I enjoy it is more

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Speaker 1: I don't let myself normally enjoy it, which I know

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Speaker 1: is like things in general. Life in general, Like a

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Speaker 1: vacation is good because you're not normally doing whatever you're

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Speaker 1: doing on vacation, but it is complicated when it is

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Speaker 1: something that is so unhealthy and has been so toxic

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Speaker 1: for me for so long and for a lot of

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Speaker 1: women and for a lot of people. I think listening

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Speaker 1: you understand this where it should be something that isn't

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Speaker 1: fraught with this all of these negative emotions where I'm

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Speaker 1: just like dry heaving trying to convince myself to eat

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Speaker 1: because I know that that's another thing. It's like this

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Speaker 1: is a feminist show, and I want to be a

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Speaker 1: healthy woman who takes care of herself and eats food,

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Speaker 1: so I like make myself do it. But it's just

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Speaker 1: like this awful, the miserable experience most of the time.

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Speaker 1: And I'm really trying to work on why that is

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Speaker 1: and untangling all of the factors behind that when you

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Speaker 1: should just be able to like eat something and enjoy it.

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Speaker 1: But I mean that also comes into play with our

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Speaker 1: conversations around if you use words and marketing like guilty

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Speaker 1: pleasures and all of all of this that we're constantly

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Speaker 1: bombarded with, just all of the time. But I think

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Speaker 1: one of the frustrating things for me, and I would

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Speaker 1: imagine for a lot of people who have been trying to,

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Speaker 1: you know, be more mindful about why they do things

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Speaker 1: during the pandemic is I really thought if I took

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Speaker 1: off social pressures societal pressures, I would be able to

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Speaker 1: work on these things and I could naively solve them.

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Speaker 1: I thought I could fix this, and that has not

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Speaker 1: been the case at all. In fact, I probably did

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Speaker 1: better when people were there and they were like, I

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Speaker 1: want to eat this, will you share it with me?

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Speaker 1: And I would because they want to do it, But

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Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with what I want to do.

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Speaker 1: I mean, have you ever thought maybe it's just that

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Speaker 1: you're not I've met many of people who just doesn't

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Speaker 1: care about eating, right, Yeah, I've thought about that. I

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Speaker 1: have a friend who is like that. But I feel

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Speaker 1: like the fact that I'm like dry heaving when I

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Speaker 1: eat is it's just a sign that something else is

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Speaker 1: a miss and that I don't like. People make jokes

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Speaker 1: about it. They're like, you know, she never has any

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Speaker 1: food around. She doesn't she won't eat unless we eat,

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Speaker 1: which is all true, and I I don't know. I mean,

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Speaker 1: maybe it is a bigger issue of just I don't

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Speaker 1: unless someone is directing me, I don't think about myself,

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Speaker 1: or I don't think to take care of myself in

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Speaker 1: that way because the alarm system I had to set

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Speaker 1: up because otherwise there's just be no eating. And it

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Speaker 1: used to be like a clinical thing where I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I will eat because I have to eat to run,

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Speaker 1: and now I can't run or I don't feel comfortable running,

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Speaker 1: so that's been removed. I don't know. I I think

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Speaker 1: it's just really frustrating because I thought I do like food,

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Speaker 1: and I I really enjoy a lot of the aspects

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Speaker 1: of it. But it's it makes me feel upset that

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Speaker 1: I've been trying to work on this and it feels

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Speaker 1: like I'm just going backwards, and that I'm being disingenuous

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Speaker 1: by not talking about it with people, and that I

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Speaker 1: don't know what to say when people say similar things

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Speaker 1: to me, because I'm like, I don't think this is healthy,

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Speaker 1: but I'm also doing the same thing. You're right, but

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Speaker 1: I feel like I can't tell you off because I'm

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Speaker 1: doing it too. In general, everyone has an unhealthy relationship

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Speaker 1: with food, whether it is being obsessive about it, whether

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Speaker 1: it's over indulging, under indulging, or being flippant about it,

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Speaker 1: whether it's because you know, there's also that conversation of

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Speaker 1: there's people starving in the world, why aren't you eating?

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Speaker 1: And also so being over indulgent is what I mean

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Speaker 1: by that, like being I feel all the time that

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Speaker 1: I'm wasteful my level, Like I find your stuff interesting

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Speaker 1: because yeah, it's you've let me know about some of

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Speaker 1: the issues. It's not a typical issues. And I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it has something to do with whether or

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Speaker 1: not because we've talked about whether or not maybe whether

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Speaker 1: or not you are on the spectrum and that has

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Speaker 1: something to play with it, Whether you have a level

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Speaker 1: of c D and that has something to do with it,

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Speaker 1: whether it's your trauma based control and that has something

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Speaker 1: to do with it. There's a big level of narratives

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Speaker 1: that we don't have in what you are going through

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Speaker 1: because right now you're trying to unravel the trauma, just trauma,

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Speaker 1: and then the lack of interest in food could have

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Speaker 1: everything to do with that, could have nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with that, could have something to do with that. That's

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Speaker 1: very general, I know, for anything, But I feel like

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Speaker 1: there is this deeper level of control conversations as well

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Speaker 1: as trigger conversations that's in here. And I'm not trying

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Speaker 1: to unlatch you and I'm trying to stop, but like

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Speaker 1: there's this whole deeper level of it's not just body issue. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: there's a psychological level of conversations because you do love

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Speaker 1: food and appreciate food to a certain extent, but it

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Speaker 1: is almost robotic to the point of I feel like

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Speaker 1: I have to and if I have to choose something,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to choose this, which is a different level.

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Speaker 1: And I say this as a chubby girl who has

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Speaker 1: had an eating disorder and a really unhealthy level of food,

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Speaker 1: because I will go without eating purposefully, because I am

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Speaker 1: that girl who went without eating for days and passed

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Speaker 1: out because I tried to lose five pounds, because I

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Speaker 1: was told as this person I was not fitting in

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Speaker 1: and as a girl in the ancient culture that I

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Speaker 1: definitely did not fit in. And if I was in

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Speaker 1: Korea to this day, I would be chastised to no

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Speaker 1: end for being darker skinned for being thick. I've been

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Speaker 1: told that many times. So I have a traumatic level

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Speaker 1: of physical appearance, like that way I feel about myself

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Speaker 1: about size. I'm obsessive about weight to the point that

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Speaker 1: i will stop eating altogether, and I'll overly excessively weigh myself,

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Speaker 1: count calories, all of those things to the point that

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I'm looking at diet pills. I have

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Speaker 1: to stop. And I've been I've been like that since

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Speaker 1: I was succeeding trying to fit to my white family,

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Speaker 1: where my sister was a size zero until she was

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Speaker 1: eight team and I became size hit in fifth grade.

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Speaker 1: So like that's definitely a conversation. And also my moods

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Speaker 1: hit the way I eat. So if I'm depressed, I

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Speaker 1: don't eat, and I know that, and I know, like,

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Speaker 1: holy so maybe i should be depressed so I can

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Speaker 1: lose some weight. And I'm so sorry. I'm not acting like,

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Speaker 1: you know, any type of mental health is that flippant,

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Speaker 1: But in my mind, that to me works and it's

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Speaker 1: so unhealthy. So you and I come in a very

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Speaker 1: different standpoint, and I finally gotten to the point that

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm thick. I'm just gonna live with it.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to get some rid of some of

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Speaker 1: these things. And as long as I can, like keep walking,

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Speaker 1: I'm cool and I'm healthy. I'm cool, and I say

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Speaker 1: that in all those realms, but realizing diep hills and

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Speaker 1: realizing and don't get me wrong, I'm still looking. I'm

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Speaker 1: still looking at apps. I'm still looking at anything to

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Speaker 1: help me to lose weight and trying to figure that out,

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Speaker 1: trying to go back to my other size, because y'all,

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Speaker 1: I definitely, you know, leaned into the pandemic. I'm yeah,

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Speaker 1: I give up, I'm depressed conversation, but yeah, when it

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Speaker 1: comes to what you're talking about, it it's a different

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Speaker 1: level because I I see, like, okay, and I know

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Speaker 1: this because I've been with you, and like I have

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Speaker 1: to stop trying to get her to eat because she's

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Speaker 1: about to have a panic attack. And I, being as

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Speaker 1: southern as I am, yes, and I said that I

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Speaker 1: want to feed people like that is how I welcome

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Speaker 1: you into my home. And I think your friend Marissa

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Speaker 1: figure that out quickly. I'm Marissa, That's what I do.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I know you said you are not hungry,

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Speaker 1: but I made more things, so you need to eat this,

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Speaker 1: which is an absolute Southern Mama way to be, but

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Speaker 1: it is it's a whole different level, like, Okay, I

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Speaker 1: have to be conscientious that this is going to cause

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Speaker 1: you to have a panic attack, like not even just

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Speaker 1: not because you're not trying to eat, but there's something

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Speaker 1: that's stopping you from enjoying or want to enjoy or

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Speaker 1: wanting to be a part of this in typical realms

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Speaker 1: in general. But also there's also that robotic bit of

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Speaker 1: you that's like, but I have to finish it. It's

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Speaker 1: here now, I can't waste it. It's such a separate

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Speaker 1: and very like wow type of dichotomy to see that

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Speaker 1: survival that you will not waste anything on top of,

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Speaker 1: but I don't actually want it. Yeah, yeah, And I

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Speaker 1: think that that does go back to a lot of

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Speaker 1: the like after I feel like I've just lost touch

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Speaker 1: with my body completely, Like I don't recognize things that

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Speaker 1: should just be natural, like hunger or sleep, which is

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Speaker 1: a big part of trauma, and that is something that

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Speaker 1: I have been working on in therapy. But that's why

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Speaker 1: it becomes like almost a panic level for me, is

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Speaker 1: there's no thing that's like stop. It's just I have

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Speaker 1: to finish this and it's here, and there's no part

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Speaker 1: of me that's like, what do you want? It's like

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Speaker 1: I can't hear that part. And also it is kind

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Speaker 1: of interesting because I am an extrovert and food is

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Speaker 1: a part of that. I want to try new things,

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Speaker 1: and I'm very excited to try new things. But again

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Speaker 1: it's less about like the food and more like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is new and I won't have this again or

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Speaker 1: I might not ever make this myself, and so I

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Speaker 1: have to have to partake. So I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: think it is a big part of it being disconnected

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Speaker 1: from my body and trying to do that like body work,

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Speaker 1: of like listening to yourself, or trying to rebuild those

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Speaker 1: those avenues of just basic human existence and survival. But

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Speaker 1: it's I mean, food is usually such a communal and

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Speaker 1: happy thing, and it upsets me that for so many

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Speaker 1: of us, and for so many women in particular, it

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Speaker 1: has been it's just a mind field of of things. Now,

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Speaker 1: I will say, as a bigger girl, I made sure

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Speaker 1: to leave food on my plates so I didn't get

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Speaker 1: judged and being filled. Oh yeah, you definitely ain't all

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Speaker 1: that hum Oh yeah, people make comments like that all

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Speaker 1: the time, and I'm always so shocked. I have a

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Speaker 1: friend who used to make me go first to help

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Speaker 1: myself up, and she would always get less than what

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Speaker 1: I had just got. And yeah, that was the thing.

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Speaker 1: The skinnier girls behind I would watch what they would

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Speaker 1: do and try to do less than them. I did

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Speaker 1: that too. I would get comments being told, you don't

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Speaker 1: you you get plenty of food at home. Don't you

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Speaker 1: have had that? And I've had the yeah, you don't

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Speaker 1: let anything go to waste that had had that. So

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Speaker 1: as a teenager, I would never finish any mills. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I still have that complication. I don't like eating

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Speaker 1: giant place of food or eating at all. It feels

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Speaker 1: like that's a bad thing, even though again that wastefulness

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Speaker 1: is still there too. It's so complicated. Yeah, all these

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Speaker 1: like social things around food as well. That's a a

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Speaker 1: whole interesting situation when it comes to helping up around

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Speaker 1: a bunch of people. When you feel this usually like

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Speaker 1: an insecurity or like you might be judging, you will

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Speaker 1: get those comments about how much you did eat, And

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Speaker 1: then you can also lean into it too hard, which

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Speaker 1: I did when I was like nine where I'd be like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to get two plates, like forget that and

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Speaker 1: did I want the second plate? But I did it?

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I get it's like more my relationship I

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Speaker 1: feel like with food is more about like I can't

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Speaker 1: connect with my body, and it's all about other people

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Speaker 1: and how they see me and what they think and

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Speaker 1: what they want. So that is something that I'm working on,

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Speaker 1: but I just wanted to to talk about it here

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Speaker 1: and hopefully, I mean it sounds weird to say, hopefully,

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Speaker 1: so if you can relate, because I guess I hope

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Speaker 1: you don't, but I bet some of you can, and

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Speaker 1: hopefully it makes you feel less less alone about what

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Speaker 1: you're going through. As always, listeners, we would love to

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Speaker 1: hear from you. Our email is stuff Media mom Stuff

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Speaker 1: at iHeart media dot com. You can find us on

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Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or on Instagram and Stuff

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Speaker 1: One Never Told You. Thanks as always to our super producer, Christina.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, Christina. Thanks to you for listening Stuff under

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Speaker 1: Told You his production to I Heeart Radio. For more

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Speaker 1: podcast on iHeart Radio, visit your heart radio app Apple podcast.

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Speaker 1: I'll wherever you listen to your favorite shows