Speaker 1: It does not matter. At some point your parents will
Speaker 1: become your children.
Speaker 2: That is a whole fact. I had no idea. And
Speaker 2: when I say that we have about six kids, that's.
Speaker 1: What I mean eight. Dead ass is eight. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: my parents and there too.
Speaker 3: I forget. We've been living with mine though, is different.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 3: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 3: of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast an open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.
Speaker 3: Most folks don't want to talk about through.
Speaker 1: The lens of a millennial married couple. It's a term
Speaker 1: that we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying the facts. One hundred the truth, the
Speaker 1: whole truth, and nothing about the truth. Were about to
Speaker 1: take Bilos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time.
Speaker 3: Oh man, we got mad stories.
Speaker 2: If we really think about both of our parents as
Speaker 2: a collective and then as individuals, we have so many
Speaker 2: stories about them.
Speaker 3: We got mad stories where we've had to intervene.
Speaker 1: Yes, what do you?
Speaker 2: What do you?
Speaker 3: What did you? What came to mind today?
Speaker 1: This story is a funny story. It's a funny story
Speaker 1: because I think I've already told the story about when
Speaker 1: my dad was in the hospital with diabetes. Diabetic.
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm not scared, but.
Speaker 1: I threatened him at that time, and I told him like, yoh,
Speaker 1: when something's wrong, when something's going on, you have to
Speaker 1: tell me in real time. Right, So fast forward my sister,
Speaker 1: you know, she stays by my parents sometimes, and my sister,
Speaker 1: like me, enjoys the green Orian times. But she's a
Speaker 1: little bit different than I am because she she put
Speaker 1: it in in a lemonade form, or like in a
Speaker 1: gummy form, and she'll take her too before she go
Speaker 1: to sleep. So she made a lemonade and she put
Speaker 1: the lemonade in my parents' fridge.
Speaker 3: Didn't stand a chat.
Speaker 1: So these stories always been wild. But she put the
Speaker 1: lemonade in my parents' fridge. My dad didn't know that
Speaker 1: the lemonade was as potent as it was. So my
Speaker 1: sister was like, school, you need to relax. Let's get
Speaker 1: a little cup. Right, my father likes to get big.
Speaker 1: He my father collects all the big Burger king cups,
Speaker 1: like the twenty four hours super. So he puts he
Speaker 1: puts a big cup with ice and everything. He's sitting
Speaker 1: down and joining his lemonade. Good. And if you know
Speaker 1: my father, I know that he has his own theme music.
Speaker 1: Whenever he walks around. It's like he'd be like if.
Speaker 2: He was a cartoon character, that would be like every
Speaker 2: time he entered the room, it would be that.
Speaker 1: So he drinks a whole couple of lemonade, he said,
Speaker 1: he just he said that he started feeling hot. He
Speaker 1: was just like, man, what's going on? I need to
Speaker 1: go lay down. So he went upstairs and he said, well,
Speaker 1: he was going upstairs, the staircase was moving from left
Speaker 1: to right, and it felt like the walls was closing
Speaker 1: in right. So that's time he's explaining to my sister, like, Yo,
Speaker 1: what's what's in that lemonade? Man? Like, I had a
Speaker 1: couple of lemonade, and my sister's just like, how much
Speaker 1: lemonade did you drink? And he drank like half the
Speaker 1: picture of lemonade in one cup.
Speaker 3: You already know.
Speaker 1: Less, right, So that my sister's like, you know, school,
Speaker 1: you'll be fine. You need to lay it down. But
Speaker 1: now as you know, you guys know, you get paranoid
Speaker 1: when you get into this situation. So now he's paranoid.
Speaker 1: And this part is the part that was funny to me.
Speaker 1: He goes to the toy he said, grabs toys. Just
Speaker 1: listen to me. I can't die because if I die,
Speaker 1: val go kill me, which is hilarious because the roles
Speaker 1: have reversed. When you're a child, the first thing you
Speaker 1: think about is if something happens to me, my parents
Speaker 1: are gonna kill me. But now here's my dad saying
Speaker 1: to my sister, Yo, I gotta be okay because if
Speaker 1: I die, de Vow.
Speaker 3: Was gonna kill me, double kill, double whammy.
Speaker 1: So now now I'm like the parent.
Speaker 3: Now that's a fact. Yes, all right, karaoke time.
Speaker 2: So it's about asking me earlier, like what do you
Speaker 2: think we should do for karaoke for this episode? The
Speaker 2: first This is the first song that came to mind.
Speaker 2: We are the word.
Speaker 1: We are the children, We are the ones to make
Speaker 1: them bright a day. So let's I giving there's a choice,
Speaker 1: making choice. What's the next one? Been list and day,
Speaker 1: just you and me.
Speaker 2: You've been getting into these karaoke songs.
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a singer at some point in
Speaker 1: my life until I really it ain't too late. It's
Speaker 1: not too late. I'm at a point now where I
Speaker 1: feel like anybody can do anything as long as you
Speaker 1: take the time to invest in the skills.
Speaker 3: So you want to do it absolutely now.
Speaker 1: I'm probably never gonna be Michael Jackson. I'll never be Usher,
Speaker 1: but I can be the Vusher, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I can't as long as I can learn how.
Speaker 3: To hold a note holding and you can dance.
Speaker 1: And you know what I'm saying. Enough, I can dance enough.
Speaker 1: You've shown you know what I'm saying. So maybe I
Speaker 1: won't be a pop star, but I could, you know,
Speaker 1: at least hold the notes.
Speaker 3: So a pop star, right, Don't don't look at me.
Speaker 1: You got that limp plump lip plumping stuff on your mouth.
Speaker 3: Listen.
Speaker 2: So Nick sent me a package b our package, and
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, this is a nice little shade
Speaker 2: to put on today. And I saw that it had
Speaker 2: like a little like plumper thing, you know, some of
Speaker 2: these glosses have that.
Speaker 3: So I put it on and my lips started burning,
Speaker 3: and I was.
Speaker 1: Like, no, it's really it's really a limp plumping thing.
Speaker 2: That apparently because when I used to work for Mac,
Speaker 2: there was something called plush glass and that had like
Speaker 2: a plumping age in it.
Speaker 3: So it kind of gave that the lips like a
Speaker 3: bit of a fuller look.
Speaker 1: But seemed dangerous. And we go to do some things.
Speaker 1: Don't nobody want to feel no.
Speaker 3: Tingling and get a little plumper.
Speaker 1: But the tingling is like, that's gonna scary because you
Speaker 1: was nervous here.
Speaker 2: I was nervous for a second. And then I opened
Speaker 2: the pr package and I gave them to trouble. It was,
Speaker 2: you know, sharing his carring and Triple was like, oh,
Speaker 2: you're gonna be good, like I wore the other one
Speaker 2: and it was fine, just don't put it on the
Speaker 2: outside of your lips.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, at least y'all know that. Don't put
Speaker 1: the plumping age on the outside your lips because it
Speaker 1: turned red.
Speaker 2: Right, It's like, yeah, I just like the color, but goddamn,
Speaker 2: I don't know. You know, let's take a quick break,
Speaker 2: Let's go pay some ask let me go look at
Speaker 2: my lips. Make sure there are still on my face
Speaker 2: and that they're not taking over, and we'll be back.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all were back, And today we're talking about
Speaker 2: parenting our parents. So I feel like when she reached
Speaker 2: a certain age that if your parents are still with you,
Speaker 2: it then becomes a large responsibility for you to ensure
Speaker 2: that your parents are good. And Devale and I are
Speaker 2: in the thick of it, in the think of it,
Speaker 2: in the thick of it with my parents here living
Speaker 2: with us full time, and your parents still in New York,
Speaker 2: but back and forth often.
Speaker 3: Your dad's retired. Mom is finally.
Speaker 2: Retiring this year, and we're super excited and we're hoping.
Speaker 2: We're trying to, like course, everybody to move down to
Speaker 2: where we are so that way, you know, the village
Speaker 2: extension only becomes more extended. And I'm looking forward to
Speaker 2: just delegating one kid per parent and then we rotate.
Speaker 2: I feel like every week we just rotate, right, so
Speaker 2: like mom gets one, school gets one, my dad, and
Speaker 2: then your mom, you got you with that kid for
Speaker 2: the week, and then.
Speaker 1: You just rotate each child.
Speaker 3: Each child has like an individual one on one thing.
Speaker 2: But yeah, so back to storytime real quick, That was
Speaker 2: hilarious because I remember when it happened in real time
Speaker 2: and your sister could not stop.
Speaker 3: That all about it. But it's true.
Speaker 2: We're at the point now where we are having to
Speaker 2: say to our parents, you need to take care of yourself.
Speaker 3: These are the things that you need to do in
Speaker 3: order to do X y Z.
Speaker 2: Let's take a look at your finances, your assets, like,
Speaker 2: all of those things are a part of the process.
Speaker 2: I feel like, at least if you're invested in the
Speaker 2: well being of your parents or probably feel like they
Speaker 2: need the help.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up because there is a
Speaker 1: serious thing that I do want to discuss. Because everything's
Speaker 1: always jokes with us. But on a more serious note,
Speaker 1: we talked in a previous episode about you know, not
Speaker 1: owning your parents anything, right, especially when it comes to
Speaker 1: finances or life sacrifice a sacrifice episode, right, But when
Speaker 1: it comes to this, I do feel like we do
Speaker 1: owe our parents, you know, absolutely, our parents had a
Speaker 1: responsibility to make sure that we grow up to become
Speaker 1: who we become, right, and during that time they do
Speaker 1: sacrifice a lot, right, and I'm not talking about just
Speaker 1: money in time, but they also sacrifice a lot of
Speaker 1: their health. We've been in hustle mode for the last
Speaker 1: fifteen years, not sleeping as much, not eating as much
Speaker 1: as we're supposed to, eating too much of bad junk
Speaker 1: food because it's the only thing that's readily available. I
Speaker 1: feel like, once you become an adult and you learn
Speaker 1: more about the human body and you learn more about life,
Speaker 1: it's not your responsibility to not only pay it forward,
Speaker 1: but pay it back because there's going to be things
Speaker 1: that we know now that our parents didn't know, and
Speaker 1: it's our responsibility to be like, hey, mom and dad,
Speaker 1: you don't have to eat that, or you don't have
Speaker 1: to drink that, or you don't have to take that medication.
Speaker 1: Like times have changed, and I feel like more adult
Speaker 1: children need to own up to that responsibility rather than
Speaker 1: passing it off and saying, well, my parents are grown,
Speaker 1: they'll be fine.
Speaker 2: No, I agree with you a one hundred percent. I
Speaker 2: even just think about my mom, who's still in the
Speaker 2: vein of wanting to make sure that I'm okay. When
Speaker 2: she found out about her skin issue and she has
Speaker 2: to go to the holistic doctor. She then sparked us
Speaker 2: going to get our blood work done because she's like Hey,
Speaker 2: I don't want you to end up here.
Speaker 3: Like we know we have the same blood type, we
Speaker 3: both had the sickle cell trait.
Speaker 2: Like she said, there's so many similarities with our makeup
Speaker 2: that I don't want you to have a heart attack
Speaker 2: at fifty four years old like I did because of
Speaker 2: the stress level and the lack of sleep and a
Speaker 2: terrible job.
Speaker 3: Like, I don't want you to be here.
Speaker 2: So I feel like the reciprocity in it is me
Speaker 2: now making sure that she's okay. Now that we know
Speaker 2: the things that she is alertic to, I'm alertic too,
Speaker 2: that we can both kind of do this together. So
Speaker 2: we kind of developed a little bit more of a
Speaker 2: camaraderie too when it came to health, and then we
Speaker 2: kind of pulled you along.
Speaker 3: So this whole.
Speaker 2: Household now is trying to make sure that we're all okay.
Speaker 2: Same thing with my dad, you know, had an issue recently.
Speaker 2: He was just dehydrated, not drinking enough water. So now
Speaker 2: it's not just the valle Andi parenting. We have the
Speaker 2: kids parenting my parents and they are holding them accountable.
Speaker 2: So I got my dad a gallon jug and it's
Speaker 2: one that goes by time, so it's like seven am,
Speaker 2: nine am, eleven am, and don't let them kids come
Speaker 2: home from a school by three pm and pop it
Speaker 2: in and drink up.
Speaker 3: To three o'clock.
Speaker 1: They be on them.
Speaker 3: They're going to be on him, especially Cairo.
Speaker 2: Cairo and my dad have like a really cute special
Speaker 2: bond and chiros are popping and drink your water. You're
Speaker 2: behind here, Sit here and drink this now, do you
Speaker 2: want to liquid iv in it?
Speaker 3: It will make it taste better.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna grow up to be a nurse.
Speaker 3: He probably will, but.
Speaker 2: I can actually see that for him, like one of
Speaker 2: the nice, you know, muscular buff athletes that became a nurse.
Speaker 3: Like for sure, that's totally going to be here.
Speaker 2: But I came that to say, the spirit of nurturing
Speaker 2: and the spirit of love and making sure that our
Speaker 2: parents are okay like our children is something that transcends
Speaker 2: not just our generation, but we're also showing our children
Speaker 2: to care for your parents and your grandparents.
Speaker 1: And the I'm glad you brought that point up because
Speaker 1: I want to give a mention to Trouble to put
Speaker 1: this down. I want to do a podcast on the
Speaker 1: advantages of among a multi generational home having your grandparents
Speaker 1: and your parents and their children all existing in the
Speaker 1: same space, even if they don't live there. Because we're
Speaker 1: talking about trying to build a community with our parents
Speaker 1: and aunts and uncles and stuff. So I do want
Speaker 1: to talk a touch on that triple. Just remind me
Speaker 1: that later. But there's something that you brought up, and
Speaker 1: it was how important it is for your mom. Once
Speaker 1: she figured out something, she told us. The reason why
Speaker 1: this topic is important to me is because you can
Speaker 1: help yourself save money and help your parents save money
Speaker 1: if you live a healthier lifestyle and make adjustments earlier. So,
Speaker 1: for example, I watched my parents become caregivers to my
Speaker 1: dad's parents. You know, my dad's parents moved in with
Speaker 1: my parents when they were in their late seventies turn
Speaker 1: the eighties. My parents were in their fifties, about to
Speaker 1: be sixties, and my parents took my grandparents in. During
Speaker 1: the time, my parents, because they were still working, weren't
Speaker 1: able to give the type of care necessary, so they
Speaker 1: had to get a nurse to come in. My grandfather's
Speaker 1: a retired vet. You know, he fought in the Korean War,
Speaker 1: so he had VA services. But some of these things
Speaker 1: do have costs. And what I'm realizing now is with
Speaker 1: my parents, is if I can get my parents to
Speaker 1: change their diet, terry habits and change their lifestyle when
Speaker 1: it comes time for us to have to take care
Speaker 1: of them. Because let's be honest, and this is not
Speaker 1: a morbid discussion, this is just the reality. Life has
Speaker 1: to end for everyone at some point, and you want
Speaker 1: to be in a place where they live the fullest
Speaker 1: life that they could ever live, as healthy as their life.
Speaker 1: And for me, the way I want to go out
Speaker 1: would be with my grandkids, my great great grandkids. Me
Speaker 1: and Kay are sitting there on the porch watching them
Speaker 1: do their thing with about one hundred and thirty years old. Kay,
Speaker 1: you know you be one hundred and thirty Will one
Speaker 1: hundred and thirty one, one hundred thirty one. You're gonna
Speaker 1: walk by and ask you to drop it. You're gonna
Speaker 1: drop it. It's gonna take you about two days to
Speaker 1: get back up. But it's fine because we ain't got
Speaker 1: nowhere to go.
Speaker 3: I still have a little oil on my coil.
Speaker 1: Will you will the way the way we take care
Speaker 1: of ourselves, Yes, but you'll go inside. I'll have this
Speaker 1: beautiful picture of my kids, my grandkids, and my great grandkids.
Speaker 1: I'll rest my head back and I'll just go to sleep.
Speaker 1: Like to me, that's the way I want to go out.
Speaker 1: So that's the way I want to go out. That's
Speaker 1: the way I want my parents to go out. That's
Speaker 1: the way I want your parents to go out. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I just wanted to be peaceful.
Speaker 1: I want to be able to see the people that
Speaker 1: I love and the people that I've created, you know,
Speaker 1: with the person that I've created all of this with.
Speaker 1: But I want to be healthy. I want to just
Speaker 1: go on my sleep like the air just pass, you know,
Speaker 1: and not deal with so much. You know, we have
Speaker 1: so many families who have to deal with health issues
Speaker 1: because of the fact so much, man, and it's a
Speaker 1: burden for not only for the people taking care.
Speaker 3: Of them, it's a burden for them absolutely.
Speaker 1: You know. It's laboring.
Speaker 3: It really is laboring.
Speaker 2: I know. Yeah, we're seeing it even now with even
Speaker 2: my grandmother, who is you know, declining rapidly and shout
Speaker 2: out to Grandma Brian. Yeah, y'all know about how I
Speaker 2: feel about my grandma. She's been with us for so
Speaker 2: many good things. I think that's the concept. The consolation
Speaker 2: that I feel is knowing that while she was here
Speaker 2: and while she was moving and shaken, like we had
Speaker 2: such a good time together. Like she came up for
Speaker 2: I mean pretty much from November to January.
Speaker 3: Several years. For every child.
Speaker 2: She was at home with us, when kaz was born,
Speaker 2: she was able to come to the house that were
Speaker 2: in now, when Dakota was a baby, getting the pool,
Speaker 2: you know. So there were so many great things that
Speaker 2: happened before she declined. But at eighty six, it's like, wow,
Speaker 2: I'm looking at all the health issues that she had.
Speaker 2: She had six children, was pregnant with eight. Two passed
Speaker 2: away at birth. But that's eight pregnancies. I remember after
Speaker 2: I had Dakota, she was like, okay, honey, that's enough.
Speaker 3: You've done. You've done well. And I was like, what
Speaker 3: do you mean? She said, four is a nice number.
Speaker 3: I did double and I feel it in my body.
Speaker 3: It did good. Stop now And I was like, all right.
Speaker 2: So Grandma said, pretty much, don't have any more kids
Speaker 2: because but I'm just thinking about the strength.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, she used to work nights, you know, as
Speaker 2: a patient care tech. You know, the lack of sleep,
Speaker 2: just the just the tough life that she lived. And
Speaker 2: I'm like, man, she lived to eighty six, you know,
Speaker 2: and she's still ticking and she's still pushing and she's
Speaker 2: still fighting, and I'm looking at the health declines later
Speaker 2: on in life, and I'm just thinking about how things
Speaker 2: would have been different for her had she known about
Speaker 2: the things we know now taking our health into consideration.
Speaker 2: And it's kind of like a space where we're in
Speaker 2: like this weird like people who are older than us
Speaker 2: in that generation are living longer. But then now I
Speaker 2: think we're battling with you know, food that's not a
Speaker 2: super process.
Speaker 3: You know, you don't know if something is organic or not.
Speaker 2: You know, you're just trying to do your best within
Speaker 2: America to figure out what.
Speaker 3: Is the right things to eat and where things are sourced.
Speaker 2: If you spend so much time now learning about the
Speaker 2: things you shouldn't be doing and you shouldn't be eating
Speaker 2: that when it comes to health, it's sec an uphill
Speaker 2: battle all the time.
Speaker 1: O can I get I'll just I'll give a tip
Speaker 1: to pause to all of our listeners. Most diseases, I
Speaker 1: think it's over eighty five percent of diseases can be
Speaker 1: cured with proper hydration and sleep and exercise. Right, so
Speaker 1: I know what we eat is super duper important. And
Speaker 1: for us, since we've changed our diet, our bodies have
Speaker 1: been completely different. But let's not forget the fact that
Speaker 1: you can do yourself a service by getting more sleep,
Speaker 1: drinking water, and finding twenty minutes a day to move
Speaker 1: your body. And when we say move your body, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean go do muscle ups and bird pees and
Speaker 1: sprint on the treadmill. No, do some body weight squats,
Speaker 1: walk outside briskly. A brisk walk is not the same. Yeah,
Speaker 1: get your heart rate up so you can work on
Speaker 1: your circulation. Do some push ups. If you can't do
Speaker 1: some push ups, you can lean up against something, do
Speaker 1: push ups against the wall. But the most movement that
Speaker 1: you can do in those twenty minutes will be really
Speaker 1: good for you. And every day be consistent. And we're
Speaker 1: on your parents because they live here about doing it.
Speaker 1: I call my parents all the time, the way my
Speaker 1: mom used to be with me and may not get
Speaker 1: on the phone. You sent me the time. Now when
Speaker 1: she get on the phone, I'm like, Ma, you taking
Speaker 1: medications today, but he's swollen cholesterol and this, she's oh,
Speaker 1: how the tables turn out? Now, you like, I'm a nag.
Speaker 1: Now I'm nagging you because that's important to me. My
Speaker 1: father the same thing.
Speaker 2: I just also think that we owe it to our
Speaker 2: children to be the healthiest versions of ourselves as much
Speaker 2: as we can control, because we can become a burden
Speaker 2: to them when they're older, they're going to be living
Speaker 2: their lives. That's why some people end up in a
Speaker 2: freaking nursing home because it's like their children don't have
Speaker 2: the capacity or they don't have the finances to be
Speaker 2: able to offer the care to their parents that they
Speaker 2: need when they reach a certain age. So it's our responsibility,
Speaker 2: if we know, to take care of ourselves and to
Speaker 2: do better so that our children aren't felt like they
Speaker 2: have a burden or this this like no other way
Speaker 2: to an obligation. The obligation, that's the word I'm looking for. Yes,
Speaker 2: an obligation to make sure that their parents are okay
Speaker 2: because we didn't do our part.
Speaker 3: I think that's selfish, and I.
Speaker 1: Agree with you on that. But I remember my father
Speaker 1: going through this with my grandmother. My grandfather, well, my
Speaker 1: grandfather passed away. He passed away right after they had
Speaker 1: decided that my grandmother, who was suffering, who's still suffering
Speaker 1: from dementia, needed to be in her home because she
Speaker 1: needed twenty four hour care. And the truth of the
Speaker 1: matter is when both adults work and there's another adult
Speaker 1: in the home dealing with dementia, dementia, for some people
Speaker 1: who don't know, can become extremely violent, danger right and dangerous.
Speaker 1: My grandmother didn't become violent, but it became dangerous if
Speaker 1: she's trying to use the stove forgetting things on the stove, putting,
Speaker 1: you know, putting the for example, this happened in Soul
Speaker 1: Food when Big Mama put the mit on the stove
Speaker 1: and it started to burn. Things like that happened with people.
Speaker 1: Well Nana, Nana felt safer in her room. But my
Speaker 1: uncle Charles shout out to my uncle Chuck, Charles Ellis Junior.
Speaker 1: He started early on set dementia and a lot of
Speaker 1: it had to deal with stress and his fait fifties,
Speaker 1: but also diet. We talked about diet. He was a wanderer,
Speaker 1: so he would just leave the home and my cousin
Speaker 1: Kimberly had to become his sole caretaker. And she's a
Speaker 1: single mom with two teenage kids. So they had to
Speaker 1: make the tough decision to put my uncle in a home.
Speaker 1: And that's probably the best decision they made, not only
Speaker 1: just for him, but for the family, you know, like
Speaker 1: for the entire family, for her to feel better, for
Speaker 1: her kids to not have to worry where his grandpa
Speaker 1: are going to be all the time. But even the
Speaker 1: people we bought this home for. There's a room downstairs
Speaker 1: where the door was sealed in because his mother in
Speaker 1: law was a wonderer, a wanderer, and she would leave
Speaker 1: the home and they had to come out and find
Speaker 1: her a couple of times. And I say all that
Speaker 1: to say this, like, there is a stigma in our
Speaker 1: culture about not sending your people to homes homes. You know,
Speaker 1: don't send me to no home. Rich people send their
Speaker 1: parents to homes because they have the money to send.
Speaker 2: Them to homes, or if someone doesn't care, and it's
Speaker 2: just like, oh, whatever, I'm gonna send you to a
Speaker 2: home to.
Speaker 1: Which does happen? You know, because your mother worked and
Speaker 1: your mother worked in care long term careful.
Speaker 2: Time, yep. And I worked there for a little bit
Speaker 2: in high school, and I see it too.
Speaker 1: But you're also a good example of when you have
Speaker 1: a director of nurse and who cares, who actually cares,
Speaker 1: You can see the difference, and that's important that we
Speaker 1: talk to people like, if you're gonna put your mom
Speaker 1: or dad or someone you love in a home, do
Speaker 1: the research to see what they care is like. Don't
Speaker 1: just go online and pick something that's closed by the
Speaker 1: house and just send them. Do the research. Find out
Speaker 1: exactly what's going on here? Do they go outside often?
Speaker 1: Do they have nurses that care for me? I would
Speaker 1: find out how are the nurse is taking care of
Speaker 1: more than anything else. Yeah, because if the nurses are
Speaker 1: taking care of they're going to take care of the patients.
Speaker 2: No, that's a really good point to make it with
Speaker 2: my mom in long term care for years, my brother's
Speaker 2: in long term care is now to my sister is
Speaker 2: in there for a little bit, and it definitely makes
Speaker 2: a difference in the quality of life. Use when you
Speaker 2: love somebody as much as we love, for example, your
Speaker 2: nana or your uncle Charles, we want to make sure
Speaker 2: that they are taken care of. And then also the
Speaker 2: family needs to be present when they can, just to
Speaker 2: ensure that everything is going smoothly. So let's pick up
Speaker 2: on some facts and stats real quick. Going from child
Speaker 2: to caregiver and taking on almost a parenting role for
Speaker 2: your parents can feel a little disoriented for some adults.
Speaker 2: Preparing for this adjustment, though is necessary. Of elderly parents
Speaker 2: would rather live with their adult children than in assisted
Speaker 2: living spaces, but most adults are not prepared or equipped
Speaker 2: to support them.
Speaker 1: And that's what we just we just spoke about. You
Speaker 1: and I have created a space here for your parents,
Speaker 1: and realistically, if we were being honest, for me in particular,
Speaker 1: it was more of a selfish thing because I didn't
Speaker 1: want anyone else taking care of our children, So it
Speaker 1: just made the most sense to have the people who
Speaker 1: took care of us take care of our children. And yeah,
Speaker 1: Kadeena and I have even spoken about that, and I
Speaker 1: want to just offer this as an opportunity for other
Speaker 1: people when you work as community, right, and when I
Speaker 1: mean community, a family, your parents, us, my parents, our
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters. I challenge you to create a life
Speaker 1: plan that keeps your family close by, you know, because
Speaker 1: your parents are pride for people, and as much as
Speaker 1: they enjoy living here, I know, like you said, your
Speaker 1: mom also wanted her own space for a while. It
Speaker 1: would be dope if we could get Mimi and Papa
Speaker 1: and Papa Scoop and Nana a home five minutes away
Speaker 1: or even within biking distance for the kids, so that
Speaker 1: it's like, yo, you want to go see your grandparents,
Speaker 1: they're right there. Because the way we grew up, which
Speaker 1: is kind of random, but we grew up living six
Speaker 1: blocks away from each other.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: Then my brother lives across the street from my parents.
Speaker 1: So when Jackson and Kyron Kaz want to just go
Speaker 1: see one grandparent to another, we just walk. When Aiden
Speaker 1: wants to come over, he just walks across the street.
Speaker 1: There's value in that because now you can take care
Speaker 1: of someone, but they can be in their own.
Speaker 3: Space and feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: And it's not easy, and I don't want to. I'm
Speaker 1: not shaming any adult parents, adults who have to take
Speaker 1: care of grandparents. That's not an easy fee. I've watched
Speaker 1: my parents come back home from work and as soon
Speaker 1: as they come in, let me go check on the
Speaker 1: parents downstairs. Then you spend three hours down there cleaning
Speaker 1: up and trying to make sure they're good. Then your
Speaker 1: kids come home. Now it's eight o'clock, your kids are
Speaker 1: home from practice and stuff, and it's like, let me
Speaker 1: take care of the kids, and before you know it,
Speaker 1: it's eleven thirty at night. You haven't taken care of yourself.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: And you know what happens now you become a grandparent,
Speaker 1: your kids are grown, you haven't taken yourself. Your health
Speaker 1: is declining, and your kids go through the same.
Speaker 3: Sase cycle of things.
Speaker 2: And I mean also too, with having that community and
Speaker 2: having everybody close by. I look at how for example,
Speaker 2: when we left Brooklyn and we moved to la and
Speaker 2: my mom came with us because we were transitioning and
Speaker 2: we didn't have any help there. So that was supposed
Speaker 2: to be, you know, a temporary situation for a trend addition.
Speaker 2: But my dad, who didn't come with us full time,
Speaker 2: he was kind of back and forth. We noticed even
Speaker 2: as decline in his health because he wasn't up and
Speaker 2: moving like he was when the kids were with him. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: Jackson and him had such a cue bond because he
Speaker 2: would take Jackson to school, pick him up, bring him
Speaker 2: by the house, or he would bring them back home
Speaker 2: to my house. He would sit with us for a
Speaker 2: little bit. He would help with dinner and bedtime. Same
Speaker 2: thing with my mom. And I noticed how that just
Speaker 2: kept him moving. It gave him purpose, to get him,
Speaker 2: give him a reason to get up and get moving.
Speaker 1: Glad you brought that up.
Speaker 2: Same thing here, right, said, gotcha. But even just here
Speaker 2: now in our in our home. So Papa's now with
Speaker 2: us full time. And it's funny because at first he
Speaker 2: fought coming down here, but then I realized, like, the
Speaker 2: kids are here, the grand kids are here, we have
Speaker 2: the space. So now I'm like, the fun way for
Speaker 2: him to get his exercise in or his movement in,
Speaker 2: is I stick the coata on him. Coda, Papa, you
Speaker 2: want to go outside the coulda will grab his shoes,
Speaker 2: Papa shoes, take it.
Speaker 3: To him, and then they go for walks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2: He picks the kids up from school, he drops them
Speaker 2: in the morning, He gets up in the morning. He
Speaker 2: has his routine, and that routine has helped him leaps
Speaker 2: and bounds with his own health because he has a
Speaker 2: sense of purpose and he's moving and is keeping his
Speaker 2: mind sharp. So being putting the older generation with the
Speaker 2: younger generation sometimes it's the best form of like therapy
Speaker 2: for both of them.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought up purpose because this is a
Speaker 1: huge point. The quality of life and the will to
Speaker 1: live is all intertwined with purpose. If you want to
Speaker 1: see your adult if you're an adult and you have
Speaker 1: parents who are getting of age, continue to give them
Speaker 1: purpose and watch how their health will continue to grow.
Speaker 1: Because if you have a will to live, you have
Speaker 1: a reason to eat right, you have a reason to
Speaker 1: get up and walk. Yes, when you get older, and
Speaker 1: this is just a truth. I watched it with Pastor Boyd,
Speaker 1: who was, you know, one of my mentors growing up.
Speaker 1: He used to say to me all the time. I
Speaker 1: was like, Dame pounds a boy, you're going to live
Speaker 1: to see my kids have kids. Because he's very old,
Speaker 1: he said, I hope not. I said, what you mean,
Speaker 1: you hope not? He said, my body hurts all the
Speaker 1: people I grew up with and love and took care
Speaker 1: of and built stuff for all day. And he said
Speaker 1: to me at that point, he said, you know when
Speaker 1: you watch all the people who you grew up with
Speaker 1: and laughed and joked with and love, you know, pass away,
Speaker 1: and now you have a next generation and everyone makes
Speaker 1: you feel like you know a burden, you know, you
Speaker 1: kind of lose that will to be here. It's like,
Speaker 1: I just want to go with my friends are. And
Speaker 1: when he said it, though, I know he was older,
Speaker 1: and when you get older, you get a lot more
Speaker 1: sentimental and you say things, but you say how you feel,
Speaker 1: you know. And when he said that to me, I
Speaker 1: was like, man, that really resonated. They struck a chord
Speaker 1: because I do look at your dad, and they look
Speaker 1: at Grandma. You know, grandma has quote unquote been on
Speaker 1: her last leg for some time now. Every time you
Speaker 1: go down there, your sister, the grandkids go down there,
Speaker 1: your aunt's and they go down there, somewhere you get
Speaker 1: your grandmother finds this life. And then before you know
Speaker 1: it was I want to continue. Yeah, y'all called us
Speaker 1: and said this might be the last time. Yeah, for
Speaker 1: the third time. We're going on eighteen months. And every
Speaker 1: time we get down here now, she's walking around saying,
Speaker 1: have you eaten right?
Speaker 3: Where's the baby?
Speaker 2: Where's this one? Where's that one? Her purpose, my dad's,
Speaker 2: my dad's mom was the same thing. Yes, I see it.
Speaker 2: Literally in this past week, we got to call last Sunday,
Speaker 2: Grandma's not doing well. Everybody make you way down we
Speaker 2: probably have about a week. That was a Sunday, Mom
Speaker 2: and I pick up. We drive down there on the
Speaker 2: Monday with CODA. She sees us walk in the room,
Speaker 2: you reach already. I'm like, you knew we were coming.
Speaker 1: Mine still there.
Speaker 2: And knowing that we were coming gave her that purpose. Yes,
Speaker 2: And we were there with her for I was there
Speaker 2: for two days, you know, well overnight, and then I
Speaker 2: ended up leaving my mom there with the CODA. And
Speaker 2: then my mom comes home this Sunday, so she was
Speaker 2: there for a full week. And here we are on
Speaker 2: a Wednesday and Grandma's tanked again, and I'm just like, man,
Speaker 2: I can't help but think that there's a correlation there,
Speaker 2: you know, absolutely having the love and the family surrounding
Speaker 2: you and just everyone pouring into you and wanting to
Speaker 2: see it and not wanting to me. You know, like
Speaker 2: that's in itself is amazing to watch.
Speaker 1: We might have talked about this, but we watched my
Speaker 1: grandfather transition. We sure did with COPD. COPD for those
Speaker 1: who don't know, it's it's the feeling of it is
Speaker 1: like there's raisor blades in your lungs and every time
Speaker 1: you breathe inhale. Those raysor of blades are just moving
Speaker 1: around your lungs. It's difficult to breathe. My grandfather had
Speaker 1: heart disease, diabetes. He had a coloss for me, what
Speaker 1: is it called a coloss colossomy bag. He was like real,
Speaker 1: his body was really going through a lot from being
Speaker 1: a war veg taking care of my grandmother while going
Speaker 1: through all of that. And part of what I talked
Speaker 1: about before, nurse is not being taken care of the
Speaker 1: reason why you had a colostomy bag is because a nurse,
Speaker 1: an angry nurse who was going through a lot. She
Speaker 1: was over word. I hear she was because they end
Speaker 1: up suiting the hospital for what happened to my grandfather.
Speaker 1: But she had worked over eighteen hours and she had
Speaker 1: to give him an edemon job, and she was aggressive,
Speaker 1: and he ended up getting an affection from being punctured.
Speaker 1: Was ruptured right, and that led to, you know, the
Speaker 1: downward spiral of his health. But my grandfather was going
Speaker 1: through this transition and he got to a point where
Speaker 1: he just told my father, Troy, have mercy. He said,
Speaker 1: I'm tired. Let me go. That's what he kept saying,
Speaker 1: Let me go. Have mercy. So now my father, the adults,
Speaker 1: but he's the patriarch of the family now has to
Speaker 1: make a decision of whether or not he's going to
Speaker 1: you know, just DNA none DNA, and DNR was DNR.
Speaker 1: They were going to take the oxygen out, and they
Speaker 1: pretty much had to tell my father to make a decision.
Speaker 1: Once we take the oxygen out, he's going to last
Speaker 1: for maybe two three days. Guys. My grandfather sat there,
Speaker 1: tears coming out. All he was saying, you remember being
Speaker 1: in there was mercy, Lord, have mercy, because I know
Speaker 1: his chest was hurting. They gave him some morphine. Have mercy.
Speaker 1: He's crying, but he's kind of like smirking and smiling.
Speaker 1: Everybody in the state that could get to that hospital
Speaker 1: that day drove in. We had cousins from from down south,
Speaker 1: who from from Virginia drove in six hours. We wanted
Speaker 1: to see Charles. Everybody's drip. Once he saw every grandchild,
Speaker 1: he said, Troy, please have mercy. The doctor said, once
Speaker 1: you take the oxygen, it's going to be going to
Speaker 1: be a couple of days. My grandfather took the oxygen
Speaker 1: out by himself, smiled at my father. Two tears rolled down.
Speaker 1: He closed his eyes and he was gone in five minutes,
Speaker 1: which talks to you about the will to live. And
Speaker 1: he saw his family. They all came to see him,
Speaker 1: and he passed with a smile on his face and
Speaker 1: tears rolling down his eyes. Then my father calls us.
Speaker 1: We had just left the hospital. We thought we had
Speaker 1: a couple of days now. My brother called. My brother said, Yo,
Speaker 1: you gotta come back. Pop is going, And then we're
Speaker 1: driving back. Were driving back and we get there and
Speaker 1: it's my aunt's, my uncle, a couple of the cousins,
Speaker 1: me and you, and we're sitting there over Pop's body
Speaker 1: and we're telling stories. You know, we're telling stories. We're laughing.
Speaker 1: We probably allowed at people in the hospital.
Speaker 2: I was. I was so taking it back by it
Speaker 2: because I just was also thinking about when my grandmother
Speaker 2: passed and how destroyed I was because you think I'm
Speaker 2: close to my mom's mom, but my dad's mom and I.
Speaker 1: Were like when I met you, y'all was super tight.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, in separable.
Speaker 2: So to be there and witness like your grandfather literally
Speaker 2: is still warm, like he like died a couple of
Speaker 2: minutes ago, and y'all are like telling stories and joking.
Speaker 2: I remember his mouth was like kind of open, and
Speaker 2: your father kept trying to close his mouth, and y'all
Speaker 2: were laughing about that, and.
Speaker 3: I was like, Okay, I guess so like.
Speaker 2: Everybody deals with death and grief differently, you know, But
Speaker 2: I think it was also the comfort that y'all felt
Speaker 2: knowing that man, it wasn't sudden, it wasn't tragic, you know,
Speaker 2: he left with dignity the same way he always Your
Speaker 2: grandfather was always just like distinguished guy, man like proud
Speaker 2: and distinguished, and I'm like, man, he went out that way,
Speaker 2: So that was great to see.
Speaker 1: I remember my pops didn't want, well, my grandfather didn't
Speaker 1: want my nan to go to a home, so he
Speaker 1: took care of her. He was like, I'm going to
Speaker 1: take care of and he did that up until the
Speaker 1: seventies when he couldn't no more, when he couldn't physically
Speaker 1: lift her up and wipe her up and make sure
Speaker 1: she could go to the bathroom, that's when he decided
Speaker 1: this what I'm talking about, the will to live. Once
Speaker 1: he was like, I think you may need to take
Speaker 1: your mother to a home. Yes, then my grandmother went
Speaker 1: to a home. He went and visited her in the home.
Speaker 1: And then the minute he saw my grandmother was okaying
Speaker 1: a home, that's when his health went like this, I
Speaker 1: have no purpose now. Yes, I was here to take
Speaker 1: care of her, and then his purpose, his purpose was gone.
Speaker 1: Then he saw his grandkids, his great grandkids, and he
Speaker 1: was like, yo, dude, he says, I'm out here. I'm
Speaker 1: about to go be you know of the people that
Speaker 1: I grew up with, everybody know my nay, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: It definitely giving off cheers.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, yes, sometimes you want to go that's
Speaker 2: a good episode for that's as.
Speaker 3: Maybe, like you know, dealing with deaths like that.
Speaker 2: And just to wrap it up, adult children are sometimes
Speaker 2: not emotionally prepared to see their parents' age, and this
Speaker 2: can make them avoid the responsibility of helping their aging parents,
Speaker 2: thus putting off, sorry putting off until life events make
Speaker 2: it mandatory. So I know we can see that too.
Speaker 2: I even see with my mom and her siblings. There's
Speaker 2: six of them, and they all are dealing with Grandma differently.
Speaker 2: You know, some just don't want to face the music.
Speaker 2: Others are in denial. Others are very practical because they're
Speaker 2: coming from a nursing clinical standpoint, so they can see
Speaker 2: it from a different perspective. But it's also giving each
Speaker 2: other their respect and the space and the time to
Speaker 2: grieve and to deal with and accept it accordingly, and
Speaker 2: to be.
Speaker 1: Honest, just real quick. It was hard for me with
Speaker 1: my grandparents because that was the place I went to
Speaker 1: every summer ten to see you spend every summer eight weeks,
Speaker 1: and then so much of who I am is watching
Speaker 1: my grandfather and watching my grandmother. So there was a
Speaker 1: couple of years where I noticed they were declining, and
Speaker 1: I wasn't mature enough to understand what was going on.
Speaker 1: I avoided it and my dad so you haven't been
Speaker 1: over in a couple of days, and it all got busy.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't just getting busy, it was the fear.
Speaker 1: And I think I've told you this that if I
Speaker 1: go see them, this will be the last time. That
Speaker 1: same thing with Pass the Boy, you know. Past the
Speaker 1: Boy lived four blocks away from us, and he would
Speaker 1: say all the time, you haven't come see me, and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, well, we'll come see you. Past the Boy.
Speaker 1: But it was a fear, and that was also a
Speaker 1: trauma response because I asked my Remember when I asked
Speaker 1: my mom to go see my grandpa Titty, And then
Speaker 1: when I went to see him, he died the next day.
Speaker 1: So it was just like a fear thing. So I
Speaker 1: understand when they say some adults and I sound so
Speaker 1: much more mature now dealing with my grandfather's past, Oh
Speaker 1: devo so mature.
Speaker 2: No, I was not.
Speaker 1: I avoided seeing my grandparents for a long time. Want
Speaker 1: to see them that way. I wanted to remember them
Speaker 1: when my grandfather will be outside of racing with us
Speaker 1: in the cul de Sac. Yeah, and my grandmother was
Speaker 1: driving us to the Boys and Girls club. So I
Speaker 1: understand about not knowing how to deal with it.
Speaker 3: So I'm to face the music.
Speaker 1: Adults who struggle with that, you know.
Speaker 2: For sure, and adult children can become stressed while taking
Speaker 2: care of their aging parents and with navigating the health
Speaker 2: care system, financial challenges, managing their own families. You know,
Speaker 2: adult children often feel like the burden of managing two
Speaker 2: households at once. So, you know, giving each other grace
Speaker 2: as we try to navigate it, because I think ultimately,
Speaker 2: at the root of all of this, it's care. It's care,
Speaker 2: it's love, it's wanting the best for all parties involved,
Speaker 2: and that intergenerational kind of mix of making sure.
Speaker 3: That everybody is okay.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, let's take a quick break and we're
Speaker 2: going to come back with listener letters. So stick around
Speaker 2: while we get into some ads.
Speaker 3: We'll be back.
Speaker 1: Okay, we're back.
Speaker 3: All right, we're back. Let's just go on in. Do
Speaker 3: you want to go first, babe, I'll.
Speaker 1: Go first, baby, All right, let's do it. Ha Kadeen
Speaker 1: and d Vala absolutely love the both of you and
Speaker 1: your beautiful family. Thank you so much. I have been
Speaker 1: Day one follower and contemplated writing in for years. Glad
Speaker 1: you did. Jason, just a little backstory. We love backstories.
Speaker 1: Pause that sound kind of poors, ready, but just a
Speaker 1: little backstory. My husband and I have been together since college.
Speaker 1: We met on campus in two thousand and two, very
Speaker 1: similar to us, and instantly fell in love with each other.
Speaker 1: Similar background to yours. He is an American and I
Speaker 1: am Jamaican.
Speaker 3: Oh.
Speaker 1: He also played college basketball. We have been married nine
Speaker 1: years together twenty one. We have two beautiful daughters, three
Speaker 1: and six. Before we got married, we struggled with cheating
Speaker 1: on his part. I always forgave him. He even broke
Speaker 1: up a few We even broke up a few times,
Speaker 1: but always managed to get back together. The cheating did hurt.
Speaker 1: I won't lie, but I always got over it. Plus
Speaker 1: I always had my guard up. When we got married,
Speaker 1: I told myself I would put my guard completely down
Speaker 1: and trust my husband. I wanted to go into our
Speaker 1: marriage with a fresh start. That didn't last long. I
Speaker 1: suffered with high paramesis throughout my entire first pregnancy, and
Speaker 1: he worked a lot of overtime.
Speaker 3: That's severe nausea.
Speaker 1: Oh you talked to me about that and your mom
Speaker 1: struggled with that. Or no, your mom had the ice
Speaker 1: and the itchy.
Speaker 3: The itching, and she had overproduction of saliva.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I put it in parentheses because I found
Speaker 1: out his overtime was not at work, but with another woman.
Speaker 3: Damn the overtime.
Speaker 1: Okay, I found out he basically had a mistress that
Speaker 1: he has known for eight years, plus multiple side chicks.
Speaker 1: He often took the hotels. My first daughter was only
Speaker 1: a year old when I found this out, and it
Speaker 1: crushed me. I mean, the girl ended up in therapy
Speaker 1: for over a year. I was also postpartum at the time.
Speaker 1: That is a lot.
Speaker 3: Double down.
Speaker 1: Fast forward. We decided to work on our marriage and
Speaker 1: had another beautiful baby girl. Even though he claims he
Speaker 1: doesn't believe in therapy and only went to one session
Speaker 1: with me, continue therapy and it helped for a bit.
Speaker 1: He told me he was going to cut it, cut
Speaker 1: all ties with this one particular woman, the mistress, But
Speaker 1: I recently found out that they are still communicating with
Speaker 1: each other. He says there's nothing sexual and he has
Speaker 1: moved on and that they are just friends. All the
Speaker 1: old emotions of resurface, and I do not trust him.
Speaker 1: Every time I find out he is still in communication
Speaker 1: with her, he promises to stop. My question is will
Speaker 1: this never Will this be a never ending cycle?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does not have to be a never ending cycle.
Speaker 1: Does him knowing her for all these years forever ties them? No?
Speaker 1: Can I ever fully trust him? You can only tell
Speaker 1: us that, like we can't tell you that. Ma, I
Speaker 1: feel like this lady is a thorn in my backside
Speaker 1: that just won't go away. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: what you guys do. Halfway through your book, do you
Speaker 1: want to give for some advice from a woman?
Speaker 3: I mean, just based on what I'm reading here.
Speaker 2: He's just showing you time and time and time again
Speaker 2: who he is and what he is, and you're choosing
Speaker 2: to You know, I understand for the sake of your
Speaker 2: children and your marriage and loving someone, but he's clearly
Speaker 2: just using you at this point as a doormat. And
Speaker 2: he knows what he can and can't get away with,
Speaker 2: and he's going to get away with it. And yeah,
Speaker 2: not even willing to work on it, and not willing
Speaker 2: to go to therapy, Like, don't believe in therapy, but
Speaker 2: you believe in having this relationship with the mistress.
Speaker 3: It's just giving. It's a no for me dog.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. I like to play Devil's advocate.
Speaker 3: Go for it.
Speaker 1: I can't. Oh, I got nothing, You got nothing, because
Speaker 1: it seems like she's trying on all fronts to do everything.
Speaker 1: She's tried to be forgiving, she's given chances, she's been
Speaker 1: to therapy to work on herself.
Speaker 3: He's giving lopsided right.
Speaker 1: And we haven't heard anything that he's tried to do right,
Speaker 1: you know, Like to me, I just I like to
Speaker 1: play Devil's advocate because I like to give people' stuff
Speaker 1: to think about. But I have nothing to think about it,
Speaker 1: and you know.
Speaker 2: We never encourage for folks to just like get up
Speaker 2: and leave or divorce everything. We always want people to
Speaker 2: try to work things out and try to communicate and
Speaker 2: try to be open and honest. But it seems like
Speaker 2: he can't even be that with you after all these
Speaker 2: years and it's like twenty one years together, nine married,
Speaker 2: like it's giving he doesn't want to be there.
Speaker 1: And the truth is we've said this before, right, like
Speaker 1: marriage is not for everybody. The only thing I can
Speaker 1: come up with is maybe he's trying to be something
Speaker 1: that he does not know how to be, but he's
Speaker 1: doing a poor job at it. But you don't have
Speaker 1: to live through that, you know what I'm saying. And
Speaker 1: if this was my sister, I'd be like, Yo, what
Speaker 1: are we doing. You have a village, you have a
Speaker 1: support system. Those children will be taken care of. You know,
Speaker 1: they have an adult mom who's working on herself, so
Speaker 1: we're pretty sure. But also, you can't let your daughters
Speaker 1: watch you go through that and then they're gonna believe
Speaker 1: that that's what love looks like. You know what I'm
Speaker 1: saying as a man, absolutely, as a man, because I
Speaker 1: have sons everything I do I think about. I think
Speaker 1: my sons are watching, and if I let them think
Speaker 1: that this is okay to do, they're going to do
Speaker 1: that to someone else. Or if I let them think
Speaker 1: that it's okay for people to treat me this way,
Speaker 1: they're gonna let people treat them that way. She has
Speaker 1: two daughters. You cannot stay in that situation and let
Speaker 1: them young women, see that that's okay for you to live.
Speaker 1: So if it were me, if you're asking for advice,
Speaker 1: I would say, you know who he is. He showed
Speaker 1: you over the last twenty one years. You've given him
Speaker 1: time and time. Baby, It's time to focus on you
Speaker 1: and them children, And don't sit here and ask me
Speaker 1: how can you get over it? You don't have to
Speaker 1: get over it. You can move accordingly and be better,
Speaker 1: do better for you and them the girls.
Speaker 3: So love that.
Speaker 2: Good luck to you, sis, and thank you for copping
Speaker 2: that book halfway through.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 2: I love it. I hope you get some gems from that.
Speaker 2: All right, I'll move on to the second and last
Speaker 2: for this episode. Hey, Kadean and Deval, It's not really
Speaker 2: a question nor something I need advice on, but just
Speaker 2: the heartfelt gratitude towards both of you, love notes that
Speaker 2: you both continue to share, especially when the boys are included.
Speaker 2: I'm a huge fan of y'all and from y'all's YouTube
Speaker 2: channel to becoming a member of Patreon, and I also
Speaker 2: follow y'all on Instagram and let's not forget Candeen's stick.
Speaker 3: I guess, y'all my TikTok is a struggle chat, but
Speaker 3: I'll be there. We both have been.
Speaker 2: You both have been an inspiration to my life, and
Speaker 2: I've taken notes on the things that might be useful
Speaker 2: on my end. I'm the oldest of my parents four girls,
Speaker 2: and I can always relate to some things Jack is
Speaker 2: going through as the oldest child exactly, and I being
Speaker 2: the oldest as well.
Speaker 3: There's like a special light around us oldest children.
Speaker 2: And Okay, may God's favor be upon you both and
Speaker 2: the boys and so as the whole team. And no,
Speaker 2: you have a fan supporter living thousands of miles away,
Speaker 2: but we see y'all. Elvis's love y'all and what y'all
Speaker 2: continue to share with us. Sending love appreciation from American
Speaker 2: American Samoa. That is dope.
Speaker 3: So you all continue to be the light that the
Speaker 3: world needs. That is really real. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: We appreciate that every time Tribble goes and sneaks in
Speaker 2: a little gratitude there or something because we don't expect it.
Speaker 2: But we love y'all man all over the world. Y'all
Speaker 2: keep us going for sure, for sure, for sure. All right,
Speaker 2: if you want to be featured as a listener letter,
Speaker 2: you need some advice or you just want to give
Speaker 2: us some love, you know what I'm saying, go ahead
Speaker 2: and email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. And I'm
Speaker 1: kind of just really to.
Speaker 2: Piggyback on that. We've been doing this how many seasons
Speaker 2: now this is the season thirteen, So we've been talking
Speaker 2: about a lot of things, and there's some things that
Speaker 2: we may rehash or talk about because think about season one.
Speaker 2: You know, the way we feel about some things from
Speaker 2: season one, we may feel differently now it's thirteen. But
Speaker 2: if you ever have like topics that we may have
Speaker 2: like missed, or you'd love to hear us talk about, like,
Speaker 2: we're open to that as well. So I figured, let
Speaker 2: me just go out there and throw this out to y'all.
Speaker 2: Even if you write into dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 2: dot com. You can also just give us a you know,
Speaker 2: a topic or two that you think might be helpful
Speaker 2: or useful or something you want to hear us talk about.
Speaker 3: Always down for.
Speaker 1: An update from something we talked about in season one,
Speaker 1: two to five that you feel like, how is that going?
Speaker 1: Because we heard y'all can and I talked about revisiting
Speaker 1: this sex episode because so many years ago we talked
Speaker 1: about it. Yes, that was six years ago. Yes, and
Speaker 1: we spoke about it in the early seasons because we
Speaker 1: were trying to figure it out and we were struggling.
Speaker 1: But now we got to a point where we're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we found out groove, so let's continue to let people
Speaker 1: know how we found a groove. So that's a perfect example.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, all right, moment of truth town, we're talking parenting
Speaker 2: our parents. What you got for a moment of truth today?
Speaker 1: Babit, My moment of truth is this man. That's why
Speaker 1: I said in the beginning, I said it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: The reason why I said it doesn't matter is because
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how much money you make. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: your race, religion, ethnicity. At some point, your parents, if
Speaker 1: they're still here, will become your children, and you will
Speaker 1: be responsible to take care of them the way they
Speaker 1: took care of you. So with that being said, put
Speaker 1: a plan in place, right, Create a plan that's going
Speaker 1: to allow your parents to live a long, healthy, vibrant
Speaker 1: life so that you're not stuck with a burden because
Speaker 1: you put it off until the point where you can't anymore,
Speaker 1: and now you're stuck doing something you don't want to do.
Speaker 1: Be involved early. You know, you notice your parents aren't
Speaker 1: eating the right way, they're not exercising enough, they're not
Speaker 1: taking care of their mental health or sleeping or drinking
Speaker 1: enough water. Talk to them early, the same way you
Speaker 1: would talk to your kids. You know, Mom, you're fifty something.
Speaker 1: You know, how about we try this this way when
Speaker 1: they're seventy. You're not dealing with those health issues. So
Speaker 1: put a plan in place with them early, and let's
Speaker 1: get to work as a community.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and if you see something, say something right, like
Speaker 2: in that moment we talked about being in this house.
Speaker 2: If somebody has like ooh a a ailment or something
Speaker 2: coming on real quick, to be like, let's doctor let's
Speaker 2: go to a healthcare professional and see what this is
Speaker 2: and catching it early. I guess my moment the truth
Speaker 2: for me is kind of like a spiral off of
Speaker 2: the episode that we did about the sacrificial parent and
Speaker 2: that relationship, because though we talked about how our parents
Speaker 2: may have said, you know, they've sacrificed so much and
Speaker 2: it's not necessarily a sacrifice. Is something that parents should
Speaker 2: be doing for their children. If I were to reverse
Speaker 2: the roles with us as the parent and thinking about
Speaker 2: that term sacrifice, it's not us necessarily sacrificing, but it's
Speaker 2: our role and our responsibility to make sure that our
Speaker 2: parents are Okay, so not looking at it per se
Speaker 2: as a burden, but like you said, by putting plans
Speaker 2: in place, making things actionable, so that we're making the
Speaker 2: plans and that everyone's on the same page and we're
Speaker 2: moving as a cohesive unit and we're working on health together,
Speaker 2: it won't have to be a thing where someone is sacrificing.
Speaker 3: It's just what we want to do for our parents.
Speaker 1: That's true. Okay, I like that?
Speaker 2: All right, y'all be sure to follow us on Patreon.
Speaker 2: You can see exclusive dead Ass podcast content there. And
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media at dead Ass
Speaker 2: The Podcast, I Am Kadeen, I Am.
Speaker 1: And I Am Deval and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe, and also pick
Speaker 1: up that copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach
Speaker 1: to Getting Everything you Want out of your Relationship. Yes
Speaker 1: it is a New York Times bestseller, and yes we
Speaker 1: appreciate y'all picking up that book.
Speaker 3: Absolutely dead Ass.
Speaker 1: Y'all Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the
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