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Speaker 1: It does not matter. At some point your parents will

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Speaker 1: become your children.

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Speaker 2: That is a whole fact. I had no idea. And

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Speaker 2: when I say that we have about six kids, that's.

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Speaker 1: What I mean eight. Dead ass is eight. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: my parents and there too.

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Speaker 3: I forget. We've been living with mine though, is different.

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Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

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Speaker 3: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 3: of therapy.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 3: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast an open

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Speaker 1: dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.

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Speaker 3: Most folks don't want to talk about through.

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Speaker 1: The lens of a millennial married couple. It's a term

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Speaker 1: that we say every day. So when we say dead ass,

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Speaker 1: we're actually saying the facts. One hundred the truth, the

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Speaker 1: whole truth, and nothing about the truth. Were about to

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Speaker 1: take Bilos off to our whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time.

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Speaker 3: Oh man, we got mad stories.

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Speaker 2: If we really think about both of our parents as

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Speaker 2: a collective and then as individuals, we have so many

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Speaker 2: stories about them.

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Speaker 3: We got mad stories where we've had to intervene.

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Speaker 1: Yes, what do you?

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Speaker 2: What do you?

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Speaker 3: What did you? What came to mind today?

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Speaker 1: This story is a funny story. It's a funny story

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Speaker 1: because I think I've already told the story about when

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Speaker 1: my dad was in the hospital with diabetes. Diabetic.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I'm not scared, but.

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Speaker 1: I threatened him at that time, and I told him like, yoh,

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Speaker 1: when something's wrong, when something's going on, you have to

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Speaker 1: tell me in real time. Right, So fast forward my sister,

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Speaker 1: you know, she stays by my parents sometimes, and my sister,

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Speaker 1: like me, enjoys the green Orian times. But she's a

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Speaker 1: little bit different than I am because she she put

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Speaker 1: it in in a lemonade form, or like in a

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Speaker 1: gummy form, and she'll take her too before she go

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Speaker 1: to sleep. So she made a lemonade and she put

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Speaker 1: the lemonade in my parents' fridge.

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Speaker 3: Didn't stand a chat.

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Speaker 1: So these stories always been wild. But she put the

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Speaker 1: lemonade in my parents' fridge. My dad didn't know that

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Speaker 1: the lemonade was as potent as it was. So my

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Speaker 1: sister was like, school, you need to relax. Let's get

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Speaker 1: a little cup. Right, my father likes to get big.

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Speaker 1: He my father collects all the big Burger king cups,

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Speaker 1: like the twenty four hours super. So he puts he

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Speaker 1: puts a big cup with ice and everything. He's sitting

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Speaker 1: down and joining his lemonade. Good. And if you know

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Speaker 1: my father, I know that he has his own theme music.

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Speaker 1: Whenever he walks around. It's like he'd be like if.

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Speaker 2: He was a cartoon character, that would be like every

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Speaker 2: time he entered the room, it would be that.

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Speaker 1: So he drinks a whole couple of lemonade, he said,

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Speaker 1: he just he said that he started feeling hot. He

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Speaker 1: was just like, man, what's going on? I need to

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Speaker 1: go lay down. So he went upstairs and he said, well,

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Speaker 1: he was going upstairs, the staircase was moving from left

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Speaker 1: to right, and it felt like the walls was closing

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Speaker 1: in right. So that's time he's explaining to my sister, like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: what's what's in that lemonade? Man? Like, I had a

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Speaker 1: couple of lemonade, and my sister's just like, how much

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Speaker 1: lemonade did you drink? And he drank like half the

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Speaker 1: picture of lemonade in one cup.

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Speaker 3: You already know.

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Speaker 1: Less, right, So that my sister's like, you know, school,

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Speaker 1: you'll be fine. You need to lay it down. But

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Speaker 1: now as you know, you guys know, you get paranoid

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Speaker 1: when you get into this situation. So now he's paranoid.

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Speaker 1: And this part is the part that was funny to me.

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Speaker 1: He goes to the toy he said, grabs toys. Just

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Speaker 1: listen to me. I can't die because if I die,

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Speaker 1: val go kill me, which is hilarious because the roles

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Speaker 1: have reversed. When you're a child, the first thing you

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Speaker 1: think about is if something happens to me, my parents

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Speaker 1: are gonna kill me. But now here's my dad saying

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Speaker 1: to my sister, Yo, I gotta be okay because if

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Speaker 1: I die, de Vow.

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Speaker 3: Was gonna kill me, double kill, double whammy.

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Speaker 1: So now now I'm like the parent.

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Speaker 3: Now that's a fact. Yes, all right, karaoke time.

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Speaker 2: So it's about asking me earlier, like what do you

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Speaker 2: think we should do for karaoke for this episode? The

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Speaker 2: first This is the first song that came to mind.

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Speaker 2: We are the word.

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Speaker 1: We are the children, We are the ones to make

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Speaker 1: them bright a day. So let's I giving there's a choice,

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Speaker 1: making choice. What's the next one? Been list and day,

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Speaker 1: just you and me.

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Speaker 2: You've been getting into these karaoke songs.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be a singer at some point in

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Speaker 1: my life until I really it ain't too late. It's

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Speaker 1: not too late. I'm at a point now where I

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Speaker 1: feel like anybody can do anything as long as you

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Speaker 1: take the time to invest in the skills.

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Speaker 3: So you want to do it absolutely now.

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Speaker 1: I'm probably never gonna be Michael Jackson. I'll never be Usher,

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Speaker 1: but I can be the Vusher, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: I can't as long as I can learn how.

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Speaker 3: To hold a note holding and you can dance.

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Speaker 1: And you know what I'm saying. Enough, I can dance enough.

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Speaker 1: You've shown you know what I'm saying. So maybe I

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Speaker 1: won't be a pop star, but I could, you know,

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Speaker 1: at least hold the notes.

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Speaker 3: So a pop star, right, Don't don't look at me.

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Speaker 1: You got that limp plump lip plumping stuff on your mouth.

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Speaker 3: Listen.

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Speaker 2: So Nick sent me a package b our package, and

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Speaker 2: I was like, oh, this is a nice little shade

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Speaker 2: to put on today. And I saw that it had

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Speaker 2: like a little like plumper thing, you know, some of

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Speaker 2: these glosses have that.

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Speaker 3: So I put it on and my lips started burning,

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Speaker 3: and I was.

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Speaker 1: Like, no, it's really it's really a limp plumping thing.

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Speaker 2: That apparently because when I used to work for Mac,

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Speaker 2: there was something called plush glass and that had like

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Speaker 2: a plumping age in it.

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Speaker 3: So it kind of gave that the lips like a

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Speaker 3: bit of a fuller look.

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Speaker 1: But seemed dangerous. And we go to do some things.

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Speaker 1: Don't nobody want to feel no.

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Speaker 3: Tingling and get a little plumper.

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Speaker 1: But the tingling is like, that's gonna scary because you

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Speaker 1: was nervous here.

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Speaker 2: I was nervous for a second. And then I opened

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Speaker 2: the pr package and I gave them to trouble. It was,

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Speaker 2: you know, sharing his carring and Triple was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you're gonna be good, like I wore the other one

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Speaker 2: and it was fine, just don't put it on the

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Speaker 2: outside of your lips.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, at least y'all know that. Don't put

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Speaker 1: the plumping age on the outside your lips because it

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Speaker 1: turned red.

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Speaker 2: Right, It's like, yeah, I just like the color, but goddamn,

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Speaker 2: I don't know. You know, let's take a quick break,

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Speaker 2: Let's go pay some ask let me go look at

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Speaker 2: my lips. Make sure there are still on my face

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Speaker 2: and that they're not taking over, and we'll be back.

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Speaker 2: All right, y'all were back, And today we're talking about

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Speaker 2: parenting our parents. So I feel like when she reached

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Speaker 2: a certain age that if your parents are still with you,

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Speaker 2: it then becomes a large responsibility for you to ensure

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Speaker 2: that your parents are good. And Devale and I are

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Speaker 2: in the thick of it, in the think of it,

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Speaker 2: in the thick of it with my parents here living

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Speaker 2: with us full time, and your parents still in New York,

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Speaker 2: but back and forth often.

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Speaker 3: Your dad's retired. Mom is finally.

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Speaker 2: Retiring this year, and we're super excited and we're hoping.

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Speaker 2: We're trying to, like course, everybody to move down to

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Speaker 2: where we are so that way, you know, the village

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Speaker 2: extension only becomes more extended. And I'm looking forward to

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Speaker 2: just delegating one kid per parent and then we rotate.

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Speaker 2: I feel like every week we just rotate, right, so

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Speaker 2: like mom gets one, school gets one, my dad, and

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Speaker 2: then your mom, you got you with that kid for

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Speaker 2: the week, and then.

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Speaker 1: You just rotate each child.

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Speaker 3: Each child has like an individual one on one thing.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, so back to storytime real quick, That was

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Speaker 2: hilarious because I remember when it happened in real time

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Speaker 2: and your sister could not stop.

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Speaker 3: That all about it. But it's true.

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Speaker 2: We're at the point now where we are having to

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Speaker 2: say to our parents, you need to take care of yourself.

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Speaker 3: These are the things that you need to do in

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Speaker 3: order to do X y Z.

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Speaker 2: Let's take a look at your finances, your assets, like,

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Speaker 2: all of those things are a part of the process.

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Speaker 2: I feel like, at least if you're invested in the

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Speaker 2: well being of your parents or probably feel like they

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Speaker 2: need the help.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up because there is a

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Speaker 1: serious thing that I do want to discuss. Because everything's

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Speaker 1: always jokes with us. But on a more serious note,

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Speaker 1: we talked in a previous episode about you know, not

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Speaker 1: owning your parents anything, right, especially when it comes to

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Speaker 1: finances or life sacrifice a sacrifice episode, right, But when

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Speaker 1: it comes to this, I do feel like we do

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Speaker 1: owe our parents, you know, absolutely, our parents had a

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Speaker 1: responsibility to make sure that we grow up to become

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Speaker 1: who we become, right, and during that time they do

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Speaker 1: sacrifice a lot, right, and I'm not talking about just

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Speaker 1: money in time, but they also sacrifice a lot of

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Speaker 1: their health. We've been in hustle mode for the last

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Speaker 1: fifteen years, not sleeping as much, not eating as much

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Speaker 1: as we're supposed to, eating too much of bad junk

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Speaker 1: food because it's the only thing that's readily available. I

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Speaker 1: feel like, once you become an adult and you learn

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Speaker 1: more about the human body and you learn more about life,

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Speaker 1: it's not your responsibility to not only pay it forward,

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Speaker 1: but pay it back because there's going to be things

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Speaker 1: that we know now that our parents didn't know, and

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Speaker 1: it's our responsibility to be like, hey, mom and dad,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to eat that, or you don't have

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Speaker 1: to drink that, or you don't have to take that medication.

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Speaker 1: Like times have changed, and I feel like more adult

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Speaker 1: children need to own up to that responsibility rather than

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Speaker 1: passing it off and saying, well, my parents are grown,

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Speaker 1: they'll be fine.

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Speaker 2: No, I agree with you a one hundred percent. I

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Speaker 2: even just think about my mom, who's still in the

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Speaker 2: vein of wanting to make sure that I'm okay. When

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Speaker 2: she found out about her skin issue and she has

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Speaker 2: to go to the holistic doctor. She then sparked us

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Speaker 2: going to get our blood work done because she's like Hey,

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Speaker 2: I don't want you to end up here.

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Speaker 3: Like we know we have the same blood type, we

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Speaker 3: both had the sickle cell trait.

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Speaker 2: Like she said, there's so many similarities with our makeup

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Speaker 2: that I don't want you to have a heart attack

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Speaker 2: at fifty four years old like I did because of

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Speaker 2: the stress level and the lack of sleep and a

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Speaker 2: terrible job.

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Speaker 3: Like, I don't want you to be here.

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Speaker 2: So I feel like the reciprocity in it is me

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Speaker 2: now making sure that she's okay. Now that we know

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Speaker 2: the things that she is alertic to, I'm alertic too,

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Speaker 2: that we can both kind of do this together. So

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Speaker 2: we kind of developed a little bit more of a

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Speaker 2: camaraderie too when it came to health, and then we

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Speaker 2: kind of pulled you along.

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Speaker 3: So this whole.

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Speaker 2: Household now is trying to make sure that we're all okay.

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Speaker 2: Same thing with my dad, you know, had an issue recently.

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Speaker 2: He was just dehydrated, not drinking enough water. So now

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Speaker 2: it's not just the valle Andi parenting. We have the

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Speaker 2: kids parenting my parents and they are holding them accountable.

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Speaker 2: So I got my dad a gallon jug and it's

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Speaker 2: one that goes by time, so it's like seven am,

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Speaker 2: nine am, eleven am, and don't let them kids come

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Speaker 2: home from a school by three pm and pop it

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Speaker 2: in and drink up.

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Speaker 3: To three o'clock.

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Speaker 1: They be on them.

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Speaker 3: They're going to be on him, especially Cairo.

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Speaker 2: Cairo and my dad have like a really cute special

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Speaker 2: bond and chiros are popping and drink your water. You're

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Speaker 2: behind here, Sit here and drink this now, do you

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Speaker 2: want to liquid iv in it?

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Speaker 3: It will make it taste better.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna grow up to be a nurse.

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Speaker 3: He probably will, but.

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Speaker 2: I can actually see that for him, like one of

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Speaker 2: the nice, you know, muscular buff athletes that became a nurse.

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Speaker 3: Like for sure, that's totally going to be here.

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Speaker 2: But I came that to say, the spirit of nurturing

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Speaker 2: and the spirit of love and making sure that our

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Speaker 2: parents are okay like our children is something that transcends

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Speaker 2: not just our generation, but we're also showing our children

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Speaker 2: to care for your parents and your grandparents.

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Speaker 1: And the I'm glad you brought that point up because

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Speaker 1: I want to give a mention to Trouble to put

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Speaker 1: this down. I want to do a podcast on the

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Speaker 1: advantages of among a multi generational home having your grandparents

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Speaker 1: and your parents and their children all existing in the

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Speaker 1: same space, even if they don't live there. Because we're

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Speaker 1: talking about trying to build a community with our parents

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Speaker 1: and aunts and uncles and stuff. So I do want

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Speaker 1: to talk a touch on that triple. Just remind me

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Speaker 1: that later. But there's something that you brought up, and

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Speaker 1: it was how important it is for your mom. Once

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Speaker 1: she figured out something, she told us. The reason why

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Speaker 1: this topic is important to me is because you can

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Speaker 1: help yourself save money and help your parents save money

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Speaker 1: if you live a healthier lifestyle and make adjustments earlier. So,

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Speaker 1: for example, I watched my parents become caregivers to my

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Speaker 1: dad's parents. You know, my dad's parents moved in with

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Speaker 1: my parents when they were in their late seventies turn

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Speaker 1: the eighties. My parents were in their fifties, about to

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Speaker 1: be sixties, and my parents took my grandparents in. During

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Speaker 1: the time, my parents, because they were still working, weren't

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Speaker 1: able to give the type of care necessary, so they

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Speaker 1: had to get a nurse to come in. My grandfather's

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Speaker 1: a retired vet. You know, he fought in the Korean War,

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Speaker 1: so he had VA services. But some of these things

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Speaker 1: do have costs. And what I'm realizing now is with

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Speaker 1: my parents, is if I can get my parents to

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Speaker 1: change their diet, terry habits and change their lifestyle when

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Speaker 1: it comes time for us to have to take care

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Speaker 1: of them. Because let's be honest, and this is not

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Speaker 1: a morbid discussion, this is just the reality. Life has

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Speaker 1: to end for everyone at some point, and you want

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Speaker 1: to be in a place where they live the fullest

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Speaker 1: life that they could ever live, as healthy as their life.

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Speaker 1: And for me, the way I want to go out

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Speaker 1: would be with my grandkids, my great great grandkids. Me

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Speaker 1: and Kay are sitting there on the porch watching them

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Speaker 1: do their thing with about one hundred and thirty years old. Kay,

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Speaker 1: you know you be one hundred and thirty Will one

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Speaker 1: hundred and thirty one, one hundred thirty one. You're gonna

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Speaker 1: walk by and ask you to drop it. You're gonna

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Speaker 1: drop it. It's gonna take you about two days to

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Speaker 1: get back up. But it's fine because we ain't got

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Speaker 1: nowhere to go.

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Speaker 3: I still have a little oil on my coil.

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Speaker 1: Will you will the way the way we take care

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Speaker 1: of ourselves, Yes, but you'll go inside. I'll have this

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Speaker 1: beautiful picture of my kids, my grandkids, and my great grandkids.

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Speaker 1: I'll rest my head back and I'll just go to sleep.

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Speaker 1: Like to me, that's the way I want to go out.

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Speaker 1: So that's the way I want to go out. That's

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Speaker 1: the way I want my parents to go out. That's

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Speaker 1: the way I want your parents to go out. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I just wanted to be peaceful.

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Speaker 1: I want to be able to see the people that

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Speaker 1: I love and the people that I've created, you know,

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Speaker 1: with the person that I've created all of this with.

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Speaker 1: But I want to be healthy. I want to just

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Speaker 1: go on my sleep like the air just pass, you know,

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Speaker 1: and not deal with so much. You know, we have

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Speaker 1: so many families who have to deal with health issues

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Speaker 1: because of the fact so much, man, and it's a

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Speaker 1: burden for not only for the people taking care.

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Speaker 3: Of them, it's a burden for them absolutely.

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Speaker 1: You know. It's laboring.

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Speaker 3: It really is laboring.

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Speaker 2: I know. Yeah, we're seeing it even now with even

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Speaker 2: my grandmother, who is you know, declining rapidly and shout

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Speaker 2: out to Grandma Brian. Yeah, y'all know about how I

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Speaker 2: feel about my grandma. She's been with us for so

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Speaker 2: many good things. I think that's the concept. The consolation

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Speaker 2: that I feel is knowing that while she was here

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Speaker 2: and while she was moving and shaken, like we had

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Speaker 2: such a good time together. Like she came up for

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Speaker 2: I mean pretty much from November to January.

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Speaker 3: Several years. For every child.

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Speaker 2: She was at home with us, when kaz was born,

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Speaker 2: she was able to come to the house that were

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Speaker 2: in now, when Dakota was a baby, getting the pool,

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Speaker 2: you know. So there were so many great things that

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Speaker 2: happened before she declined. But at eighty six, it's like, wow,

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Speaker 2: I'm looking at all the health issues that she had.

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Speaker 2: She had six children, was pregnant with eight. Two passed

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Speaker 2: away at birth. But that's eight pregnancies. I remember after

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Speaker 2: I had Dakota, she was like, okay, honey, that's enough.

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Speaker 3: You've done. You've done well. And I was like, what

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Speaker 3: do you mean? She said, four is a nice number.

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Speaker 3: I did double and I feel it in my body.

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Speaker 3: It did good. Stop now And I was like, all right.

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Speaker 2: So Grandma said, pretty much, don't have any more kids

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Speaker 2: because but I'm just thinking about the strength.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I mean, she used to work nights, you know, as

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Speaker 2: a patient care tech. You know, the lack of sleep,

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Speaker 2: just the just the tough life that she lived. And

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Speaker 2: I'm like, man, she lived to eighty six, you know,

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Speaker 2: and she's still ticking and she's still pushing and she's

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Speaker 2: still fighting, and I'm looking at the health declines later

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Speaker 2: on in life, and I'm just thinking about how things

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Speaker 2: would have been different for her had she known about

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Speaker 2: the things we know now taking our health into consideration.

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Speaker 2: And it's kind of like a space where we're in

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Speaker 2: like this weird like people who are older than us

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Speaker 2: in that generation are living longer. But then now I

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Speaker 2: think we're battling with you know, food that's not a

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Speaker 2: super process.

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Speaker 3: You know, you don't know if something is organic or not.

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Speaker 2: You know, you're just trying to do your best within

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Speaker 2: America to figure out what.

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Speaker 3: Is the right things to eat and where things are sourced.

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Speaker 2: If you spend so much time now learning about the

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Speaker 2: things you shouldn't be doing and you shouldn't be eating

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Speaker 2: that when it comes to health, it's sec an uphill

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Speaker 2: battle all the time.

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Speaker 1: O can I get I'll just I'll give a tip

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Speaker 1: to pause to all of our listeners. Most diseases, I

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Speaker 1: think it's over eighty five percent of diseases can be

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Speaker 1: cured with proper hydration and sleep and exercise. Right, so

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Speaker 1: I know what we eat is super duper important. And

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Speaker 1: for us, since we've changed our diet, our bodies have

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Speaker 1: been completely different. But let's not forget the fact that

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Speaker 1: you can do yourself a service by getting more sleep,

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Speaker 1: drinking water, and finding twenty minutes a day to move

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Speaker 1: your body. And when we say move your body, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean go do muscle ups and bird pees and

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Speaker 1: sprint on the treadmill. No, do some body weight squats,

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Speaker 1: walk outside briskly. A brisk walk is not the same. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: get your heart rate up so you can work on

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Speaker 1: your circulation. Do some push ups. If you can't do

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Speaker 1: some push ups, you can lean up against something, do

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Speaker 1: push ups against the wall. But the most movement that

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Speaker 1: you can do in those twenty minutes will be really

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Speaker 1: good for you. And every day be consistent. And we're

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Speaker 1: on your parents because they live here about doing it.

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Speaker 1: I call my parents all the time, the way my

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Speaker 1: mom used to be with me and may not get

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Speaker 1: on the phone. You sent me the time. Now when

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Speaker 1: she get on the phone, I'm like, Ma, you taking

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Speaker 1: medications today, but he's swollen cholesterol and this, she's oh,

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Speaker 1: how the tables turn out? Now, you like, I'm a nag.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm nagging you because that's important to me. My

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Speaker 1: father the same thing.

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Speaker 2: I just also think that we owe it to our

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Speaker 2: children to be the healthiest versions of ourselves as much

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Speaker 2: as we can control, because we can become a burden

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Speaker 2: to them when they're older, they're going to be living

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Speaker 2: their lives. That's why some people end up in a

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Speaker 2: freaking nursing home because it's like their children don't have

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Speaker 2: the capacity or they don't have the finances to be

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Speaker 2: able to offer the care to their parents that they

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Speaker 2: need when they reach a certain age. So it's our responsibility,

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Speaker 2: if we know, to take care of ourselves and to

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Speaker 2: do better so that our children aren't felt like they

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Speaker 2: have a burden or this this like no other way

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Speaker 2: to an obligation. The obligation, that's the word I'm looking for. Yes,

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Speaker 2: an obligation to make sure that their parents are okay

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Speaker 2: because we didn't do our part.

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Speaker 3: I think that's selfish, and I.

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Speaker 1: Agree with you on that. But I remember my father

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Speaker 1: going through this with my grandmother. My grandfather, well, my

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Speaker 1: grandfather passed away. He passed away right after they had

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Speaker 1: decided that my grandmother, who was suffering, who's still suffering

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Speaker 1: from dementia, needed to be in her home because she

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Speaker 1: needed twenty four hour care. And the truth of the

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Speaker 1: matter is when both adults work and there's another adult

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Speaker 1: in the home dealing with dementia, dementia, for some people

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Speaker 1: who don't know, can become extremely violent, danger right and dangerous.

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Speaker 1: My grandmother didn't become violent, but it became dangerous if

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Speaker 1: she's trying to use the stove forgetting things on the stove, putting,

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Speaker 1: you know, putting the for example, this happened in Soul

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Speaker 1: Food when Big Mama put the mit on the stove

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Speaker 1: and it started to burn. Things like that happened with people.

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Speaker 1: Well Nana, Nana felt safer in her room. But my

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Speaker 1: uncle Charles shout out to my uncle Chuck, Charles Ellis Junior.

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Speaker 1: He started early on set dementia and a lot of

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Speaker 1: it had to deal with stress and his fait fifties,

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Speaker 1: but also diet. We talked about diet. He was a wanderer,

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Speaker 1: so he would just leave the home and my cousin

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Speaker 1: Kimberly had to become his sole caretaker. And she's a

438
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,919
Speaker 1: single mom with two teenage kids. So they had to

439
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,880
Speaker 1: make the tough decision to put my uncle in a home.

440
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,399
Speaker 1: And that's probably the best decision they made, not only

441
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,720
Speaker 1: just for him, but for the family, you know, like

442
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,679
Speaker 1: for the entire family, for her to feel better, for

443
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,479
Speaker 1: her kids to not have to worry where his grandpa

444
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,320
Speaker 1: are going to be all the time. But even the

445
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,480
Speaker 1: people we bought this home for. There's a room downstairs

446
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,720
Speaker 1: where the door was sealed in because his mother in

447
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:41,200
Speaker 1: law was a wonderer, a wanderer, and she would leave

448
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,680
Speaker 1: the home and they had to come out and find

449
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,399
Speaker 1: her a couple of times. And I say all that

450
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 1: to say this, like, there is a stigma in our

451
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:53,359
Speaker 1: culture about not sending your people to homes homes. You know,

452
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,360
Speaker 1: don't send me to no home. Rich people send their

453
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,359
Speaker 1: parents to homes because they have the money to send.

454
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,320
Speaker 2: Them to homes, or if someone doesn't care, and it's

455
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,560
Speaker 2: just like, oh, whatever, I'm gonna send you to a

456
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:02,840
Speaker 2: home to.

457
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,040
Speaker 1: Which does happen? You know, because your mother worked and

458
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 1: your mother worked in care long term careful.

459
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,560
Speaker 2: Time, yep. And I worked there for a little bit

460
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,200
Speaker 2: in high school, and I see it too.

461
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 1: But you're also a good example of when you have

462
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,640
Speaker 1: a director of nurse and who cares, who actually cares,

463
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,399
Speaker 1: You can see the difference, and that's important that we

464
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,639
Speaker 1: talk to people like, if you're gonna put your mom

465
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,000
Speaker 1: or dad or someone you love in a home, do

466
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,440
Speaker 1: the research to see what they care is like. Don't

467
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,840
Speaker 1: just go online and pick something that's closed by the

468
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,360
Speaker 1: house and just send them. Do the research. Find out

469
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,479
Speaker 1: exactly what's going on here? Do they go outside often?

470
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,240
Speaker 1: Do they have nurses that care for me? I would

471
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 1: find out how are the nurse is taking care of

472
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 1: more than anything else. Yeah, because if the nurses are

473
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,120
Speaker 1: taking care of they're going to take care of the patients.

474
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,800
Speaker 2: No, that's a really good point to make it with

475
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 2: my mom in long term care for years, my brother's

476
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,960
Speaker 2: in long term care is now to my sister is

477
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 2: in there for a little bit, and it definitely makes

478
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 2: a difference in the quality of life. Use when you

479
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,199
Speaker 2: love somebody as much as we love, for example, your

480
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 2: nana or your uncle Charles, we want to make sure

481
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,359
Speaker 2: that they are taken care of. And then also the

482
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:04,960
Speaker 2: family needs to be present when they can, just to

483
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 2: ensure that everything is going smoothly. So let's pick up

484
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,280
Speaker 2: on some facts and stats real quick. Going from child

485
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 2: to caregiver and taking on almost a parenting role for

486
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,640
Speaker 2: your parents can feel a little disoriented for some adults.

487
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:24,960
Speaker 2: Preparing for this adjustment, though is necessary. Of elderly parents

488
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 2: would rather live with their adult children than in assisted

489
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,679
Speaker 2: living spaces, but most adults are not prepared or equipped

490
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:32,720
Speaker 2: to support them.

491
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,159
Speaker 1: And that's what we just we just spoke about. You

492
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,320
Speaker 1: and I have created a space here for your parents,

493
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,680
Speaker 1: and realistically, if we were being honest, for me in particular,

494
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 1: it was more of a selfish thing because I didn't

495
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 1: want anyone else taking care of our children, So it

496
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,160
Speaker 1: just made the most sense to have the people who

497
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 1: took care of us take care of our children. And yeah,

498
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 1: Kadeena and I have even spoken about that, and I

499
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,480
Speaker 1: want to just offer this as an opportunity for other

500
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 1: people when you work as community, right, and when I

501
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,879
Speaker 1: mean community, a family, your parents, us, my parents, our

502
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:11,280
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters. I challenge you to create a life

503
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:15,880
Speaker 1: plan that keeps your family close by, you know, because

504
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,919
Speaker 1: your parents are pride for people, and as much as

505
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,760
Speaker 1: they enjoy living here, I know, like you said, your

506
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 1: mom also wanted her own space for a while. It

507
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: would be dope if we could get Mimi and Papa

508
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 1: and Papa Scoop and Nana a home five minutes away

509
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 1: or even within biking distance for the kids, so that

510
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,040
Speaker 1: it's like, yo, you want to go see your grandparents,

511
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 1: they're right there. Because the way we grew up, which

512
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,920
Speaker 1: is kind of random, but we grew up living six

513
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 1: blocks away from each other.

514
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 2: I know.

515
00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:47,360
Speaker 1: Then my brother lives across the street from my parents.

516
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 1: So when Jackson and Kyron Kaz want to just go

517
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 1: see one grandparent to another, we just walk. When Aiden

518
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 1: wants to come over, he just walks across the street.

519
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,480
Speaker 1: There's value in that because now you can take care

520
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,360
Speaker 1: of someone, but they can be in their own.

521
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,639
Speaker 3: Space and feel comfortable.

522
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,400
Speaker 1: And it's not easy, and I don't want to. I'm

523
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,640
Speaker 1: not shaming any adult parents, adults who have to take

524
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:14,439
Speaker 1: care of grandparents. That's not an easy fee. I've watched

525
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,360
Speaker 1: my parents come back home from work and as soon

526
00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 1: as they come in, let me go check on the

527
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 1: parents downstairs. Then you spend three hours down there cleaning

528
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,880
Speaker 1: up and trying to make sure they're good. Then your

529
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,399
Speaker 1: kids come home. Now it's eight o'clock, your kids are

530
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,119
Speaker 1: home from practice and stuff, and it's like, let me

531
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,680
Speaker 1: take care of the kids, and before you know it,

532
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,360
Speaker 1: it's eleven thirty at night. You haven't taken care of yourself.

533
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:32,800
Speaker 2: Yep.

534
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,879
Speaker 1: And you know what happens now you become a grandparent,

535
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: your kids are grown, you haven't taken yourself. Your health

536
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,640
Speaker 1: is declining, and your kids go through the same.

537
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 3: Sase cycle of things.

538
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,960
Speaker 2: And I mean also too, with having that community and

539
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 2: having everybody close by. I look at how for example,

540
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,199
Speaker 2: when we left Brooklyn and we moved to la and

541
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,680
Speaker 2: my mom came with us because we were transitioning and

542
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,480
Speaker 2: we didn't have any help there. So that was supposed

543
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 2: to be, you know, a temporary situation for a trend addition.

544
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,200
Speaker 2: But my dad, who didn't come with us full time,

545
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 2: he was kind of back and forth. We noticed even

546
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:10,359
Speaker 2: as decline in his health because he wasn't up and

547
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,600
Speaker 2: moving like he was when the kids were with him. Absolutely,

548
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 2: Jackson and him had such a cue bond because he

549
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,679
Speaker 2: would take Jackson to school, pick him up, bring him

550
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 2: by the house, or he would bring them back home

551
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:23,679
Speaker 2: to my house. He would sit with us for a

552
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 2: little bit. He would help with dinner and bedtime. Same

553
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 2: thing with my mom. And I noticed how that just

554
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 2: kept him moving. It gave him purpose, to get him,

555
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,400
Speaker 2: give him a reason to get up and get moving.

556
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:33,479
Speaker 1: Glad you brought that up.

557
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 2: Same thing here, right, said, gotcha. But even just here

558
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,479
Speaker 2: now in our in our home. So Papa's now with

559
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 2: us full time. And it's funny because at first he

560
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 2: fought coming down here, but then I realized, like, the

561
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 2: kids are here, the grand kids are here, we have

562
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,159
Speaker 2: the space. So now I'm like, the fun way for

563
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,480
Speaker 2: him to get his exercise in or his movement in,

564
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,840
Speaker 2: is I stick the coata on him. Coda, Papa, you

565
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 2: want to go outside the coulda will grab his shoes,

566
00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,680
Speaker 2: Papa shoes, take it.

567
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 3: To him, and then they go for walks.

568
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:02,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.

569
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,360
Speaker 2: He picks the kids up from school, he drops them

570
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 2: in the morning, He gets up in the morning. He

571
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 2: has his routine, and that routine has helped him leaps

572
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,119
Speaker 2: and bounds with his own health because he has a

573
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 2: sense of purpose and he's moving and is keeping his

574
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,199
Speaker 2: mind sharp. So being putting the older generation with the

575
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,040
Speaker 2: younger generation sometimes it's the best form of like therapy

576
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:22,680
Speaker 2: for both of them.

577
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought up purpose because this is a

578
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 1: huge point. The quality of life and the will to

579
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,879
Speaker 1: live is all intertwined with purpose. If you want to

580
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 1: see your adult if you're an adult and you have

581
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: parents who are getting of age, continue to give them

582
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 1: purpose and watch how their health will continue to grow.

583
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 1: Because if you have a will to live, you have

584
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,399
Speaker 1: a reason to eat right, you have a reason to

585
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: get up and walk. Yes, when you get older, and

586
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 1: this is just a truth. I watched it with Pastor Boyd,

587
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 1: who was, you know, one of my mentors growing up.

588
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,280
Speaker 1: He used to say to me all the time. I

589
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:58,919
Speaker 1: was like, Dame pounds a boy, you're going to live

590
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: to see my kids have kids. Because he's very old,

591
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 1: he said, I hope not. I said, what you mean,

592
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,159
Speaker 1: you hope not? He said, my body hurts all the

593
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: people I grew up with and love and took care

594
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,680
Speaker 1: of and built stuff for all day. And he said

595
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 1: to me at that point, he said, you know when

596
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 1: you watch all the people who you grew up with

597
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 1: and laughed and joked with and love, you know, pass away,

598
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: and now you have a next generation and everyone makes

599
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,439
Speaker 1: you feel like you know a burden, you know, you

600
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 1: kind of lose that will to be here. It's like,

601
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 1: I just want to go with my friends are. And

602
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 1: when he said it, though, I know he was older,

603
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: and when you get older, you get a lot more

604
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 1: sentimental and you say things, but you say how you feel,

605
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,439
Speaker 1: you know. And when he said that to me, I

606
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,480
Speaker 1: was like, man, that really resonated. They struck a chord

607
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: because I do look at your dad, and they look

608
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:52,159
Speaker 1: at Grandma. You know, grandma has quote unquote been on

609
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,159
Speaker 1: her last leg for some time now. Every time you

610
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 1: go down there, your sister, the grandkids go down there,

611
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,040
Speaker 1: your aunt's and they go down there, somewhere you get

612
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: your grandmother finds this life. And then before you know

613
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,840
Speaker 1: it was I want to continue. Yeah, y'all called us

614
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,240
Speaker 1: and said this might be the last time. Yeah, for

615
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 1: the third time. We're going on eighteen months. And every

616
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 1: time we get down here now, she's walking around saying,

617
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 1: have you eaten right?

618
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:18,400
Speaker 3: Where's the baby?

619
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 2: Where's this one? Where's that one? Her purpose, my dad's,

620
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 2: my dad's mom was the same thing. Yes, I see it.

621
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 2: Literally in this past week, we got to call last Sunday,

622
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 2: Grandma's not doing well. Everybody make you way down we

623
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 2: probably have about a week. That was a Sunday, Mom

624
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 2: and I pick up. We drive down there on the

625
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 2: Monday with CODA. She sees us walk in the room,

626
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 2: you reach already. I'm like, you knew we were coming.

627
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 1: Mine still there.

628
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 2: And knowing that we were coming gave her that purpose. Yes,

629
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 2: And we were there with her for I was there

630
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 2: for two days, you know, well overnight, and then I

631
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 2: ended up leaving my mom there with the CODA. And

632
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 2: then my mom comes home this Sunday, so she was

633
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,479
Speaker 2: there for a full week. And here we are on

634
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 2: a Wednesday and Grandma's tanked again, and I'm just like, man,

635
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 2: I can't help but think that there's a correlation there,

636
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 2: you know, absolutely having the love and the family surrounding

637
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,479
Speaker 2: you and just everyone pouring into you and wanting to

638
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 2: see it and not wanting to me. You know, like

639
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 2: that's in itself is amazing to watch.

640
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 1: We might have talked about this, but we watched my

641
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 1: grandfather transition. We sure did with COPD. COPD for those

642
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 1: who don't know, it's it's the feeling of it is

643
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 1: like there's raisor blades in your lungs and every time

644
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 1: you breathe inhale. Those raysor of blades are just moving

645
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: around your lungs. It's difficult to breathe. My grandfather had

646
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 1: heart disease, diabetes. He had a coloss for me, what

647
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: is it called a coloss colossomy bag. He was like real,

648
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,880
Speaker 1: his body was really going through a lot from being

649
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 1: a war veg taking care of my grandmother while going

650
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 1: through all of that. And part of what I talked

651
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 1: about before, nurse is not being taken care of the

652
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 1: reason why you had a colostomy bag is because a nurse,

653
00:29:57,920 --> 00:29:59,600
Speaker 1: an angry nurse who was going through a lot. She

654
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 1: was over word. I hear she was because they end

655
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,200
Speaker 1: up suiting the hospital for what happened to my grandfather.

656
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,959
Speaker 1: But she had worked over eighteen hours and she had

657
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 1: to give him an edemon job, and she was aggressive,

658
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: and he ended up getting an affection from being punctured.

659
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,600
Speaker 1: Was ruptured right, and that led to, you know, the

660
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: downward spiral of his health. But my grandfather was going

661
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: through this transition and he got to a point where

662
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: he just told my father, Troy, have mercy. He said,

663
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 1: I'm tired. Let me go. That's what he kept saying,

664
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,800
Speaker 1: Let me go. Have mercy. So now my father, the adults,

665
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 1: but he's the patriarch of the family now has to

666
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,720
Speaker 1: make a decision of whether or not he's going to

667
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: you know, just DNA none DNA, and DNR was DNR.

668
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 1: They were going to take the oxygen out, and they

669
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 1: pretty much had to tell my father to make a decision.

670
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: Once we take the oxygen out, he's going to last

671
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 1: for maybe two three days. Guys. My grandfather sat there,

672
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: tears coming out. All he was saying, you remember being

673
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 1: in there was mercy, Lord, have mercy, because I know

674
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,959
Speaker 1: his chest was hurting. They gave him some morphine. Have mercy.

675
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 1: He's crying, but he's kind of like smirking and smiling.

676
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 1: Everybody in the state that could get to that hospital

677
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 1: that day drove in. We had cousins from from down south,

678
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 1: who from from Virginia drove in six hours. We wanted

679
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: to see Charles. Everybody's drip. Once he saw every grandchild,

680
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: he said, Troy, please have mercy. The doctor said, once

681
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:27,880
Speaker 1: you take the oxygen, it's going to be going to

682
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 1: be a couple of days. My grandfather took the oxygen

683
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 1: out by himself, smiled at my father. Two tears rolled down.

684
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: He closed his eyes and he was gone in five minutes,

685
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 1: which talks to you about the will to live. And

686
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 1: he saw his family. They all came to see him,

687
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,719
Speaker 1: and he passed with a smile on his face and

688
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,840
Speaker 1: tears rolling down his eyes. Then my father calls us.

689
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 1: We had just left the hospital. We thought we had

690
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: a couple of days now. My brother called. My brother said, Yo,

691
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 1: you gotta come back. Pop is going, And then we're

692
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,400
Speaker 1: driving back. Were driving back and we get there and

693
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 1: it's my aunt's, my uncle, a couple of the cousins,

694
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 1: me and you, and we're sitting there over Pop's body

695
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,680
Speaker 1: and we're telling stories. You know, we're telling stories. We're laughing.

696
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,680
Speaker 1: We probably allowed at people in the hospital.

697
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 2: I was. I was so taking it back by it

698
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,760
Speaker 2: because I just was also thinking about when my grandmother

699
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,479
Speaker 2: passed and how destroyed I was because you think I'm

700
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,960
Speaker 2: close to my mom's mom, but my dad's mom and I.

701
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,040
Speaker 1: Were like when I met you, y'all was super tight.

702
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:33,959
Speaker 3: Oh my god, in separable.

703
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 2: So to be there and witness like your grandfather literally

704
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 2: is still warm, like he like died a couple of

705
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 2: minutes ago, and y'all are like telling stories and joking.

706
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 2: I remember his mouth was like kind of open, and

707
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 2: your father kept trying to close his mouth, and y'all

708
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 2: were laughing about that, and.

709
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 3: I was like, Okay, I guess so like.

710
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 2: Everybody deals with death and grief differently, you know, But

711
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 2: I think it was also the comfort that y'all felt

712
00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 2: knowing that man, it wasn't sudden, it wasn't tragic, you know,

713
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 2: he left with dignity the same way he always Your

714
00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 2: grandfather was always just like distinguished guy, man like proud

715
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 2: and distinguished, and I'm like, man, he went out that way,

716
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 2: So that was great to see.

717
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: I remember my pops didn't want, well, my grandfather didn't

718
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 1: want my nan to go to a home, so he

719
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 1: took care of her. He was like, I'm going to

720
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:23,400
Speaker 1: take care of and he did that up until the

721
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: seventies when he couldn't no more, when he couldn't physically

722
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 1: lift her up and wipe her up and make sure

723
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: she could go to the bathroom, that's when he decided

724
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 1: this what I'm talking about, the will to live. Once

725
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 1: he was like, I think you may need to take

726
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 1: your mother to a home. Yes, then my grandmother went

727
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: to a home. He went and visited her in the home.

728
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 1: And then the minute he saw my grandmother was okaying

729
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: a home, that's when his health went like this, I

730
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 1: have no purpose now. Yes, I was here to take

731
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 1: care of her, and then his purpose, his purpose was gone.

732
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 1: Then he saw his grandkids, his great grandkids, and he

733
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,560
Speaker 1: was like, yo, dude, he says, I'm out here. I'm

734
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: about to go be you know of the people that

735
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,640
Speaker 1: I grew up with, everybody know my nay, you know

736
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.

737
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 3: It definitely giving off cheers.

738
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, yes, sometimes you want to go that's

739
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 2: a good episode for that's as.

740
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 3: Maybe, like you know, dealing with deaths like that.

741
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 2: And just to wrap it up, adult children are sometimes

742
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 2: not emotionally prepared to see their parents' age, and this

743
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,760
Speaker 2: can make them avoid the responsibility of helping their aging parents,

744
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 2: thus putting off, sorry putting off until life events make

745
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 2: it mandatory. So I know we can see that too.

746
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 2: I even see with my mom and her siblings. There's

747
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 2: six of them, and they all are dealing with Grandma differently.

748
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 2: You know, some just don't want to face the music.

749
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,239
Speaker 2: Others are in denial. Others are very practical because they're

750
00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 2: coming from a nursing clinical standpoint, so they can see

751
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 2: it from a different perspective. But it's also giving each

752
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 2: other their respect and the space and the time to

753
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:52,840
Speaker 2: grieve and to deal with and accept it accordingly, and

754
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:53,239
Speaker 2: to be.

755
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:56,520
Speaker 1: Honest, just real quick. It was hard for me with

756
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,400
Speaker 1: my grandparents because that was the place I went to

757
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 1: every summer ten to see you spend every summer eight weeks,

758
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 1: and then so much of who I am is watching

759
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:09,799
Speaker 1: my grandfather and watching my grandmother. So there was a

760
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 1: couple of years where I noticed they were declining, and

761
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,920
Speaker 1: I wasn't mature enough to understand what was going on.

762
00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 1: I avoided it and my dad so you haven't been

763
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,400
Speaker 1: over in a couple of days, and it all got busy.

764
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,800
Speaker 1: And it wasn't just getting busy, it was the fear.

765
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,239
Speaker 1: And I think I've told you this that if I

766
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 1: go see them, this will be the last time. That

767
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: same thing with Pass the Boy, you know. Past the

768
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: Boy lived four blocks away from us, and he would

769
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 1: say all the time, you haven't come see me, and

770
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,680
Speaker 1: I'd be like, well, we'll come see you. Past the Boy.

771
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:36,799
Speaker 1: But it was a fear, and that was also a

772
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: trauma response because I asked my Remember when I asked

773
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 1: my mom to go see my grandpa Titty, And then

774
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,880
Speaker 1: when I went to see him, he died the next day.

775
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,080
Speaker 1: So it was just like a fear thing. So I

776
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 1: understand when they say some adults and I sound so

777
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 1: much more mature now dealing with my grandfather's past, Oh

778
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:54,400
Speaker 1: devo so mature.

779
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 2: No, I was not.

780
00:35:55,880 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: I avoided seeing my grandparents for a long time. Want

781
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,520
Speaker 1: to see them that way. I wanted to remember them

782
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,880
Speaker 1: when my grandfather will be outside of racing with us

783
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:07,960
Speaker 1: in the cul de Sac. Yeah, and my grandmother was

784
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,719
Speaker 1: driving us to the Boys and Girls club. So I

785
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 1: understand about not knowing how to deal with it.

786
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 3: So I'm to face the music.

787
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:15,840
Speaker 1: Adults who struggle with that, you know.

788
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,879
Speaker 2: For sure, and adult children can become stressed while taking

789
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 2: care of their aging parents and with navigating the health

790
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 2: care system, financial challenges, managing their own families. You know,

791
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:29,080
Speaker 2: adult children often feel like the burden of managing two

792
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 2: households at once. So, you know, giving each other grace

793
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:34,400
Speaker 2: as we try to navigate it, because I think ultimately,

794
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 2: at the root of all of this, it's care. It's care,

795
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:41,760
Speaker 2: it's love, it's wanting the best for all parties involved,

796
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:46,200
Speaker 2: and that intergenerational kind of mix of making sure.

797
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 3: That everybody is okay.

798
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, let's take a quick break and we're

799
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 2: going to come back with listener letters. So stick around

800
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:53,400
Speaker 2: while we get into some ads.

801
00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 3: We'll be back.

802
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:05,800
Speaker 1: Okay, we're back.

803
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,920
Speaker 3: All right, we're back. Let's just go on in. Do

804
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 3: you want to go first, babe, I'll.

805
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 1: Go first, baby, All right, let's do it. Ha Kadeen

806
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:14,080
Speaker 1: and d Vala absolutely love the both of you and

807
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 1: your beautiful family. Thank you so much. I have been

808
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 1: Day one follower and contemplated writing in for years. Glad

809
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 1: you did. Jason, just a little backstory. We love backstories.

810
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 1: Pause that sound kind of poors, ready, but just a

811
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,200
Speaker 1: little backstory. My husband and I have been together since college.

812
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,200
Speaker 1: We met on campus in two thousand and two, very

813
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:36,439
Speaker 1: similar to us, and instantly fell in love with each other.

814
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 1: Similar background to yours. He is an American and I

815
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:39,760
Speaker 1: am Jamaican.

816
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:40,880
Speaker 3: Oh.

817
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,879
Speaker 1: He also played college basketball. We have been married nine

818
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 1: years together twenty one. We have two beautiful daughters, three

819
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,520
Speaker 1: and six. Before we got married, we struggled with cheating

820
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 1: on his part. I always forgave him. He even broke

821
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,720
Speaker 1: up a few We even broke up a few times,

822
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,000
Speaker 1: but always managed to get back together. The cheating did hurt.

823
00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,320
Speaker 1: I won't lie, but I always got over it. Plus

824
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 1: I always had my guard up. When we got married,

825
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 1: I told myself I would put my guard completely down

826
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,160
Speaker 1: and trust my husband. I wanted to go into our

827
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,440
Speaker 1: marriage with a fresh start. That didn't last long. I

828
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:14,399
Speaker 1: suffered with high paramesis throughout my entire first pregnancy, and

829
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,000
Speaker 1: he worked a lot of overtime.

830
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 3: That's severe nausea.

831
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:19,640
Speaker 1: Oh you talked to me about that and your mom

832
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,760
Speaker 1: struggled with that. Or no, your mom had the ice

833
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:23,759
Speaker 1: and the itchy.

834
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:26,040
Speaker 3: The itching, and she had overproduction of saliva.

835
00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:29,239
Speaker 1: But yeah, I put it in parentheses because I found

836
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,280
Speaker 1: out his overtime was not at work, but with another woman.

837
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:34,200
Speaker 3: Damn the overtime.

838
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 1: Okay, I found out he basically had a mistress that

839
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,520
Speaker 1: he has known for eight years, plus multiple side chicks.

840
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,799
Speaker 1: He often took the hotels. My first daughter was only

841
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 1: a year old when I found this out, and it

842
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 1: crushed me. I mean, the girl ended up in therapy

843
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 1: for over a year. I was also postpartum at the time.

844
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:50,439
Speaker 1: That is a lot.

845
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:51,160
Speaker 3: Double down.

846
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,520
Speaker 1: Fast forward. We decided to work on our marriage and

847
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,800
Speaker 1: had another beautiful baby girl. Even though he claims he

848
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 1: doesn't believe in therapy and only went to one session

849
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:01,680
Speaker 1: with me, continue therapy and it helped for a bit.

850
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: He told me he was going to cut it, cut

851
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,920
Speaker 1: all ties with this one particular woman, the mistress, But

852
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 1: I recently found out that they are still communicating with

853
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,759
Speaker 1: each other. He says there's nothing sexual and he has

854
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,160
Speaker 1: moved on and that they are just friends. All the

855
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:16,439
Speaker 1: old emotions of resurface, and I do not trust him.

856
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,440
Speaker 1: Every time I find out he is still in communication

857
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,279
Speaker 1: with her, he promises to stop. My question is will

858
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,280
Speaker 1: this never Will this be a never ending cycle?

859
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 3: Yes?

860
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does not have to be a never ending cycle.

861
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 1: Does him knowing her for all these years forever ties them? No?

862
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,480
Speaker 1: Can I ever fully trust him? You can only tell

863
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,000
Speaker 1: us that, like we can't tell you that. Ma, I

864
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,280
Speaker 1: feel like this lady is a thorn in my backside

865
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 1: that just won't go away. Thank you so much for

866
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:45,560
Speaker 1: what you guys do. Halfway through your book, do you

867
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: want to give for some advice from a woman?

868
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:49,799
Speaker 3: I mean, just based on what I'm reading here.

869
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:51,919
Speaker 2: He's just showing you time and time and time again

870
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:54,160
Speaker 2: who he is and what he is, and you're choosing

871
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,440
Speaker 2: to You know, I understand for the sake of your

872
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 2: children and your marriage and loving someone, but he's clearly

873
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 2: just using you at this point as a doormat. And

874
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 2: he knows what he can and can't get away with,

875
00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:06,600
Speaker 2: and he's going to get away with it. And yeah,

876
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 2: not even willing to work on it, and not willing

877
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,600
Speaker 2: to go to therapy, Like, don't believe in therapy, but

878
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:13,440
Speaker 2: you believe in having this relationship with the mistress.

879
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,399
Speaker 3: It's just giving. It's a no for me dog.

880
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. I like to play Devil's advocate.

881
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:18,439
Speaker 3: Go for it.

882
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:22,120
Speaker 1: I can't. Oh, I got nothing, You got nothing, because

883
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: it seems like she's trying on all fronts to do everything.

884
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 1: She's tried to be forgiving, she's given chances, she's been

885
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 1: to therapy to work on herself.

886
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:31,800
Speaker 3: He's giving lopsided right.

887
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,279
Speaker 1: And we haven't heard anything that he's tried to do right,

888
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,000
Speaker 1: you know, Like to me, I just I like to

889
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,040
Speaker 1: play Devil's advocate because I like to give people' stuff

890
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 1: to think about. But I have nothing to think about it,

891
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: and you know.

892
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 2: We never encourage for folks to just like get up

893
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:45,080
Speaker 2: and leave or divorce everything. We always want people to

894
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,279
Speaker 2: try to work things out and try to communicate and

895
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:48,920
Speaker 2: try to be open and honest. But it seems like

896
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:51,440
Speaker 2: he can't even be that with you after all these

897
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:54,160
Speaker 2: years and it's like twenty one years together, nine married,

898
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:56,399
Speaker 2: like it's giving he doesn't want to be there.

899
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: And the truth is we've said this before, right, like

900
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 1: marriage is not for everybody. The only thing I can

901
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,800
Speaker 1: come up with is maybe he's trying to be something

902
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,799
Speaker 1: that he does not know how to be, but he's

903
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: doing a poor job at it. But you don't have

904
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,520
Speaker 1: to live through that, you know what I'm saying. And

905
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:15,320
Speaker 1: if this was my sister, I'd be like, Yo, what

906
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 1: are we doing. You have a village, you have a

907
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: support system. Those children will be taken care of. You know,

908
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 1: they have an adult mom who's working on herself, so

909
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,840
Speaker 1: we're pretty sure. But also, you can't let your daughters

910
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:28,920
Speaker 1: watch you go through that and then they're gonna believe

911
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:31,279
Speaker 1: that that's what love looks like. You know what I'm

912
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 1: saying as a man, absolutely, as a man, because I

913
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:40,520
Speaker 1: have sons everything I do I think about. I think

914
00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: my sons are watching, and if I let them think

915
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 1: that this is okay to do, they're going to do

916
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:47,759
Speaker 1: that to someone else. Or if I let them think

917
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:49,759
Speaker 1: that it's okay for people to treat me this way,

918
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,839
Speaker 1: they're gonna let people treat them that way. She has

919
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,799
Speaker 1: two daughters. You cannot stay in that situation and let

920
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 1: them young women, see that that's okay for you to live.

921
00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 1: So if it were me, if you're asking for advice,

922
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,840
Speaker 1: I would say, you know who he is. He showed

923
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 1: you over the last twenty one years. You've given him

924
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,920
Speaker 1: time and time. Baby, It's time to focus on you

925
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,719
Speaker 1: and them children, And don't sit here and ask me

926
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:11,320
Speaker 1: how can you get over it? You don't have to

927
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: get over it. You can move accordingly and be better,

928
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,640
Speaker 1: do better for you and them the girls.

929
00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 3: So love that.

930
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 2: Good luck to you, sis, and thank you for copping

931
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 2: that book halfway through.

932
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:20,759
Speaker 3: I love it.

933
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:22,480
Speaker 2: I love it. I hope you get some gems from that.

934
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,040
Speaker 2: All right, I'll move on to the second and last

935
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:28,279
Speaker 2: for this episode. Hey, Kadean and Deval, It's not really

936
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 2: a question nor something I need advice on, but just

937
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:35,680
Speaker 2: the heartfelt gratitude towards both of you, love notes that

938
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 2: you both continue to share, especially when the boys are included.

939
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,760
Speaker 2: I'm a huge fan of y'all and from y'all's YouTube

940
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 2: channel to becoming a member of Patreon, and I also

941
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 2: follow y'all on Instagram and let's not forget Candeen's stick.

942
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,440
Speaker 3: I guess, y'all my TikTok is a struggle chat, but

943
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:52,000
Speaker 3: I'll be there. We both have been.

944
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,239
Speaker 2: You both have been an inspiration to my life, and

945
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 2: I've taken notes on the things that might be useful

946
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,080
Speaker 2: on my end. I'm the oldest of my parents four girls,

947
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:04,239
Speaker 2: and I can always relate to some things Jack is

948
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:07,359
Speaker 2: going through as the oldest child exactly, and I being

949
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:08,080
Speaker 2: the oldest as well.

950
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,440
Speaker 3: There's like a special light around us oldest children.

951
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:17,840
Speaker 2: And Okay, may God's favor be upon you both and

952
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:22,239
Speaker 2: the boys and so as the whole team. And no,

953
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,000
Speaker 2: you have a fan supporter living thousands of miles away,

954
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,640
Speaker 2: but we see y'all. Elvis's love y'all and what y'all

955
00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:31,200
Speaker 2: continue to share with us. Sending love appreciation from American

956
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,720
Speaker 2: American Samoa. That is dope.

957
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,799
Speaker 3: So you all continue to be the light that the

958
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 3: world needs. That is really real. Thank you so much.

959
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 2: We appreciate that every time Tribble goes and sneaks in

960
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 2: a little gratitude there or something because we don't expect it.

961
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:51,439
Speaker 2: But we love y'all man all over the world. Y'all

962
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:54,719
Speaker 2: keep us going for sure, for sure, for sure. All right,

963
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,279
Speaker 2: if you want to be featured as a listener letter,

964
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:57,600
Speaker 2: you need some advice or you just want to give

965
00:43:57,640 --> 00:43:59,839
Speaker 2: us some love, you know what I'm saying, go ahead

966
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,360
Speaker 2: and email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.

967
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,360
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

968
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. And I'm

969
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 1: kind of just really to.

970
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 2: Piggyback on that. We've been doing this how many seasons

971
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 2: now this is the season thirteen, So we've been talking

972
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 2: about a lot of things, and there's some things that

973
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 2: we may rehash or talk about because think about season one.

974
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,759
Speaker 2: You know, the way we feel about some things from

975
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,799
Speaker 2: season one, we may feel differently now it's thirteen. But

976
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:26,719
Speaker 2: if you ever have like topics that we may have

977
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,239
Speaker 2: like missed, or you'd love to hear us talk about, like,

978
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 2: we're open to that as well. So I figured, let

979
00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:32,960
Speaker 2: me just go out there and throw this out to y'all.

980
00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 2: Even if you write into dead as Advice at gmail

981
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 2: dot com. You can also just give us a you know,

982
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,400
Speaker 2: a topic or two that you think might be helpful

983
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,280
Speaker 2: or useful or something you want to hear us talk about.

984
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:42,000
Speaker 3: Always down for.

985
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,879
Speaker 1: An update from something we talked about in season one,

986
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:47,080
Speaker 1: two to five that you feel like, how is that going?

987
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:50,040
Speaker 1: Because we heard y'all can and I talked about revisiting

988
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: this sex episode because so many years ago we talked

989
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,440
Speaker 1: about it. Yes, that was six years ago. Yes, and

990
00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:58,160
Speaker 1: we spoke about it in the early seasons because we

991
00:44:58,160 --> 00:44:59,960
Speaker 1: were trying to figure it out and we were struggling.

992
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 1: But now we got to a point where we're like, yeah,

993
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,120
Speaker 1: we found out groove, so let's continue to let people

994
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,720
Speaker 1: know how we found a groove. So that's a perfect example.

995
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:10,480
Speaker 2: Absolutely, all right, moment of truth town, we're talking parenting

996
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 2: our parents. What you got for a moment of truth today?

997
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,319
Speaker 1: Babit, My moment of truth is this man. That's why

998
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 1: I said in the beginning, I said it doesn't matter.

999
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:18,640
Speaker 1: The reason why I said it doesn't matter is because

1000
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how much money you make. It doesn't matter

1001
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:25,040
Speaker 1: your race, religion, ethnicity. At some point, your parents, if

1002
00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:27,160
Speaker 1: they're still here, will become your children, and you will

1003
00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:29,399
Speaker 1: be responsible to take care of them the way they

1004
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:32,200
Speaker 1: took care of you. So with that being said, put

1005
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,480
Speaker 1: a plan in place, right, Create a plan that's going

1006
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 1: to allow your parents to live a long, healthy, vibrant

1007
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:44,280
Speaker 1: life so that you're not stuck with a burden because

1008
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,160
Speaker 1: you put it off until the point where you can't anymore,

1009
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 1: and now you're stuck doing something you don't want to do.

1010
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:52,439
Speaker 1: Be involved early. You know, you notice your parents aren't

1011
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,600
Speaker 1: eating the right way, they're not exercising enough, they're not

1012
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 1: taking care of their mental health or sleeping or drinking

1013
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:59,640
Speaker 1: enough water. Talk to them early, the same way you

1014
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:02,400
Speaker 1: would talk to your kids. You know, Mom, you're fifty something.

1015
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 1: You know, how about we try this this way when

1016
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: they're seventy. You're not dealing with those health issues. So

1017
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 1: put a plan in place with them early, and let's

1018
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 1: get to work as a community.

1019
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:12,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, and if you see something, say something right, like

1020
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 2: in that moment we talked about being in this house.

1021
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:17,080
Speaker 2: If somebody has like ooh a a ailment or something

1022
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:19,719
Speaker 2: coming on real quick, to be like, let's doctor let's

1023
00:46:19,719 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 2: go to a healthcare professional and see what this is

1024
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:24,280
Speaker 2: and catching it early. I guess my moment the truth

1025
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:26,920
Speaker 2: for me is kind of like a spiral off of

1026
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:31,120
Speaker 2: the episode that we did about the sacrificial parent and

1027
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 2: that relationship, because though we talked about how our parents

1028
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:37,719
Speaker 2: may have said, you know, they've sacrificed so much and

1029
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 2: it's not necessarily a sacrifice. Is something that parents should

1030
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:42,440
Speaker 2: be doing for their children. If I were to reverse

1031
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:45,479
Speaker 2: the roles with us as the parent and thinking about

1032
00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:49,759
Speaker 2: that term sacrifice, it's not us necessarily sacrificing, but it's

1033
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 2: our role and our responsibility to make sure that our

1034
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 2: parents are Okay, so not looking at it per se

1035
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:57,800
Speaker 2: as a burden, but like you said, by putting plans

1036
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:01,080
Speaker 2: in place, making things actionable, so that we're making the

1037
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 2: plans and that everyone's on the same page and we're

1038
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,880
Speaker 2: moving as a cohesive unit and we're working on health together,

1039
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:09,080
Speaker 2: it won't have to be a thing where someone is sacrificing.

1040
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:12,400
Speaker 3: It's just what we want to do for our parents.

1041
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:14,160
Speaker 1: That's true. Okay, I like that?

1042
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 2: All right, y'all be sure to follow us on Patreon.

1043
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:20,520
Speaker 2: You can see exclusive dead Ass podcast content there. And

1044
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:22,759
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media at dead Ass

1045
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 2: The Podcast, I Am Kadeen, I Am.

1046
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:27,440
Speaker 1: And I Am Deval and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

1047
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:30,759
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe, and also pick

1048
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,320
Speaker 1: up that copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach

1049
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:35,640
Speaker 1: to Getting Everything you Want out of your Relationship. Yes

1050
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:38,480
Speaker 1: it is a New York Times bestseller, and yes we

1051
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,560
Speaker 1: appreciate y'all picking up that book.

1052
00:47:40,719 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 3: Absolutely dead Ass.

1053
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:48,360
Speaker 1: Y'all Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,

1054
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,600
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the

1055
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:54,440
Speaker 1: podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and

1056
00:47:54,520 --> 00:48:04,440
Speaker 1: never miss a Thing