Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's get to the big story. Americans are still
Speaker 2: trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following
Speaker 2: the disastrous Oval Office meeting between the President JD.
Speaker 1: Vance and Vladimir Zelensky. What happened? They say? Are we
Speaker 1: still America? They say? Oh? Side a way on? They say,
Speaker 1: it's complicated.
Speaker 2: The best way that I can explain what happened and
Speaker 2: show Americans how to process this new reality was with
Speaker 2: another shocking turn of events from this weekend.
Speaker 3: On Saturday Night at the Elimination Chamber, the WWE shock
Speaker 3: the world is John Cena turn heeled, join the Rock
Speaker 3: and attacked Cody rhoads.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: If that does not immediately explain to you our current
Speaker 2: geopolitical climate, you must have grown out of watching wrestling
Speaker 2: through the normal course of aging. I, on the other hand,
Speaker 2: understand this in my booth.
Speaker 1: This explains it, folks.
Speaker 2: All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of
Speaker 2: your anger, it's in there.
Speaker 1: It's in the square circle. You see Saturday night. Oh,
Speaker 1: we're doing this Saturday night.
Speaker 4: Johncina, the good guy of professional wrestling, mister Hustle, the Champ,
Speaker 4: the man who stood for everything, truth, justice, the guy
Speaker 4: who literally holds the record for the most Make a
Speaker 4: Wish Foundation meetings of all time.
Speaker 2: People would get cancer just to meet John Fina. Last weekend,
Speaker 2: seen A flipped the script and went from being a
Speaker 2: face a good guy to a heel a bad guy. Now,
Speaker 2: if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if
Speaker 2: you watch this show, you do not sing from all right,
Speaker 2: But let me continue to bore you with this metaphor.
Speaker 1: So here's what happened.
Speaker 2: The current WWE champion is won Cody Rhodes.
Speaker 1: Seven people say around.
Speaker 2: Cody Roads is the people's champ unquestioned bravery. He stands
Speaker 2: in for Zelenski in this metaphor. A couple of weeks ago,
Speaker 2: the Rock now evil owner of the WWE in our story,
Speaker 2: made Cody Rhodes an offer.
Speaker 1: The one thing that I want more than anything in
Speaker 1: this world is that I want your soul.
Speaker 2: He wants k but sir, But sir, I am smaller
Speaker 2: and weaker than you. It will take incredible bravery for
Speaker 2: me to protect my soul and the soul of my people.
Speaker 2: But luckily I am not protecting my soul alone, for
Speaker 2: I have the support of the great.
Speaker 1: JOHNSONA so Cody Rhodes.
Speaker 2: Zelenski told Vladimir Putin rock no soul for you, mother,
Speaker 2: For that's when they met in the Oval office. America
Speaker 2: went to hugs Zelenski. But when America looked up, somehow
Speaker 2: Putin had given John Cena the international time for its time,
Speaker 2: and rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the rock
Speaker 2: was cooking, and through that Borsdas America delivered the nutshot,
Speaker 2: the nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere.
Speaker 1: And then for no reason, America jumped on.
Speaker 2: Zelensky and started punching in the face as many times
Speaker 2: as he got.
Speaker 1: Too simplistic time.
Speaker 2: This is it, am I being too simplicic, assigning to
Speaker 2: the delicate art of real politique, a scripted outcome.
Speaker 1: Perhaps judge for yourself.
Speaker 5: Putin broke twenty five times his own signatship twenty five
Speaker 5: times he broke and seys fire.
Speaker 6: Nor you're in no position to dictate what we're gonna feel.
Speaker 7: You're not in a good positions.
Speaker 6: You don't have the cards right now. See you're gambling
Speaker 6: with World War three. You're gambling with World War three.
Speaker 8: Have you said thank you once that fire meetings.
Speaker 6: We gave you, through this stupid president, three hundred and
Speaker 6: fifty billion dollars. You're either gonna make a deal or
Speaker 6: we're out. This is gonna be great television.
Speaker 1: I will say that it sure wasn't.
Speaker 2: But isn't that what you want from the high stakes
Speaker 2: diplomacy in real life urgency that.
Speaker 1: Ending war demands.
Speaker 2: And you know, even reporters got some nutshots in why.
Speaker 7: Don't you wear a suit?
Speaker 1: Oh shit, no you did.
Speaker 2: Let's do that, doesn't Oh Zelenski, you're so poor and
Speaker 2: war torn.
Speaker 1: You're down to one Brooks brother. Oh shit, you've so war.
Speaker 2: Torn, you've given up the meaningless protocols of business attire.
Speaker 2: If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the
Speaker 2: stunned faces in the crowd at WWE when John Cena
Speaker 2: turned heel. I now present you the equally stunned faces
Speaker 2: of those watching this Oval Office pay per view.
Speaker 1: Scott, I've never seen anything like that. You've never seen
Speaker 1: anything like that?
Speaker 9: Wow, just wow, that was something, Caitlin. I want to
Speaker 9: start with.
Speaker 1: Look at her face.
Speaker 2: I mean, Christian, you broke Christiana amenploy the woman wanders
Speaker 2: unprotected through Taliban control Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: Doesn't give ten minutes of Trump diplomacy.
Speaker 2: She's like, is anyone else dizzy?
Speaker 1: My A one C is plenty Now.
Speaker 2: Of course, there is one big difference between the WWE
Speaker 2: and the world of politics. In the WWE, they seem
Speaker 2: very clear on who the good guys and who the
Speaker 2: bad guys are. Nobody walked out of the match pretending
Speaker 2: that the guy who got nutshotted was the bad guy.
Speaker 10: There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing
Speaker 10: him roll his eyes, seeing him refer to JD Vance
Speaker 10: the Vice president as JD.
Speaker 11: He shows up in his equinox chic outfit to the
Speaker 11: dog on oval office.
Speaker 12: President Zelenski was also antagonistic and frankly, he was rude.
Speaker 8: So impertinent, so disrespectful.
Speaker 13: Tone deaf, going in and fighting back, getting sassy with
Speaker 13: the President and the He was sassy.
Speaker 1: He was sassy.
Speaker 14: Here was a real scallywag.
Speaker 2: You know what I would say if I was there
Speaker 2: in the offal office with him, I'd say, you better
Speaker 2: watch your tone, mister. I think it was Churchill, who,
Speaker 2: during World War Two was roundly criticized for being a
Speaker 2: bit lippy. Excuse me, mister, will decide where you're gonna
Speaker 2: fight them, whether it's on the beaches or not, or
Speaker 2: what him, poor guys Alenski, his nation was invaded. He's,
Speaker 2: against all odds, held off a much bigger army for
Speaker 2: three years. And we're like, would it kill you to
Speaker 2: smile a little more dressed, a little nicer your beautiful country.
Speaker 14: Nobody would know.
Speaker 1: Show off what you got, you know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 1: Maybe some of those rare metals.
Speaker 15: I've been here and some about it, But I guess
Speaker 15: rising prices and a tanking stock market. That's just the
Speaker 15: cost of starting a trade war with your neighbors. Now Mexico,
Speaker 15: they expect it, right. Trump's headed out for that since
Speaker 15: no one showed up to his keen Seniera. But but
Speaker 15: why Canada. We've always been tight with Canada. We were
Speaker 15: both British colonies. We play in the same sports leagues together,
Speaker 15: we share joint custody of Ryan Gosling. If Trump is
Speaker 15: going to launch a trade war with them, I hope
Speaker 15: he has a good reason, and I'm sure he does, right, right, right.
Speaker 16: Trump says the tariffs are needed, and he claims Canada
Speaker 16: and Mexico aren't doing enough to stop all legal immigration
Speaker 16: and fentanyl shipments.
Speaker 6: The fentanyl coming through Canada is massive.
Speaker 1: Of course, of course, fentanyl and migrants. That makes sense.
Speaker 15: We can't just be letting Canada pump massive and massive
Speaker 15: amounts of fentanyl and migrants across our border.
Speaker 17: Data shows less than one percent of the fentanyl entering
Speaker 17: in the US comes from Canada, and only one point
Speaker 17: five percent of border patrol encounters with migrants take place
Speaker 17: at the border with Canada.
Speaker 15: Huh okay, So it's not ventanyl or migrants, and it
Speaker 15: can't be because Trump's an insecure, wanna be alpha male
Speaker 15: thumbing his chest so the world pays attention to him.
Speaker 1: So I guess, I guess we'll never know. It's probably
Speaker 1: Joe Biden.
Speaker 15: Whatever it is, Prime Minister Trudeau, he wasn't having it.
Speaker 13: Today the United States launched a trade war against Canada,
Speaker 13: their closest partner and ally their closest friend. Now, I
Speaker 13: want to speak directly to one specific American. Don't, even
Speaker 13: though you're a very smart guy, this is a very
Speaker 13: dumb thing to do.
Speaker 6: Wow wow, yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 15: He's mad, and he's not even world leader mad. He's
Speaker 15: dad mad. This is the same tone I use when
Speaker 15: I tell my daughter not to throw her baby sister
Speaker 15: into the crib. You are not that type of person
Speaker 15: that does this, even though you just did this and
Speaker 15: you'll probably keep doing it, but you're not this.
Speaker 1: Okay, Donald, my daughter's name is Donald.
Speaker 2: And.
Speaker 15: All of Canada is lining up behind Trudeau like Ontario's Premier.
Speaker 15: Doug Ford came out to warn America about the consequences
Speaker 15: of a trade work, although in a confusing way.
Speaker 18: The people of the US, which I absolutely love the
Speaker 18: American people, they're gonna be paying more. The market is
Speaker 18: going to go downhill faster than the American Bob sled team.
Speaker 15: Oh sick burn, I think.
Speaker 1: I mean it sounded like a slam.
Speaker 15: But if the market will go downhill really fast, that
Speaker 15: means our Bob sled team is also fast.
Speaker 1: Is not like a compliment.
Speaker 15: Our Bob sled team is supposed to go fast, right
Speaker 15: unless he's saying our Bob sled team is slow, which
Speaker 15: is a slam.
Speaker 1: But then that means the market.
Speaker 15: Won't go downhill fast, which is good for our economy.
Speaker 1: This metaphor doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 15: The point is doug Ford is forcing me to learn
Speaker 15: about Bob sledding, and I do not appreciate that. Is
Speaker 15: there a Canadian who can make an analogy that's a
Speaker 15: little less confusing? Donna reared in the mayor of Saint
Speaker 15: John and New Brunswick. Maybe you have a good analogy.
Speaker 10: I mean, we've been in this comfortable relationship with our
Speaker 10: American cousins.
Speaker 7: And now we're being attacked.
Speaker 9: So you know, we're breaking up with the US and
Speaker 9: it's time to move on.
Speaker 15: Yeah, we're cousins, but we're so we're breaking up. This
Speaker 15: analogy is even worse than the Bob sled.
Speaker 1: You can't break up with your cousin.
Speaker 15: Sure, you can both go off and get married and
Speaker 15: start your own families.
Speaker 1: Try to convince yourselves you've moved on.
Speaker 15: But she's she's still there at Thanksgiving every year, and yeah, she.
Speaker 1: Brings her new husband and she laughs at his jokes.
Speaker 15: But deep down you can see in her pale blue
Speaker 15: eyes that she's sad.
Speaker 1: And I'm sad too, Stephanie.
Speaker 15: I know she can see it in my eyes, which
Speaker 15: are the same color as hers, because we're related, and that's.
Speaker 1: And that's why we can't beat together. Right, What was
Speaker 1: I talking about.
Speaker 15: I'm sorry, but look that's right. Oh the trade war
Speaker 15: that we've launched for no reason. The point is, look
Speaker 15: what Donald Trump has done to Canada. They're the nicest
Speaker 15: country on Earth, the sexiest cousin, and look what we've
Speaker 15: brought them out to do.
Speaker 13: Canadians are reasonable and we are polite, but we will
Speaker 13: not back down from a fight.
Speaker 19: An Ontario Premier Doug Ford to threaten to shut off
Speaker 19: his province's electricity, exports to the United States and block
Speaker 19: shipments of Ontario's high grade nickel.
Speaker 20: With Canadian liquor stores took American whiskey off the shelves.
Speaker 21: There's also hashtags buy Canadian and boycott USA going viral.
Speaker 22: Canadian coffee shop The Morning Owl in Ottawa has renamed
Speaker 22: its popular Americano coffee to a Canadiano WWE.
Speaker 21: Fans were drowning out the performance of The Star Spangled
Speaker 21: Banner in Toronto.
Speaker 1: Take a listen, damn.
Speaker 15: Canada's respect for America has gone down faster than Curtis
Speaker 15: and Hubert Stevens, a gold medalist and the two man
Speaker 15: Bob sled at the nineteen thirty two in Lake class
Speaker 15: at Olympics.
Speaker 1: Now that's how you do a Bob Sled metaphor done.
Speaker 15: The star of the night was Donald Trump, and you
Speaker 15: have to admit he showed a lot of range last night. Okay,
Speaker 15: Like when he talked about Doge finding social Security fraud,
Speaker 15: he got to show off his lying skills.
Speaker 6: We're also identifying shocking levels of incompetence and probable fraud
Speaker 6: in the Social Security program. Government databases list four point
Speaker 6: seven million social Security members from people aged one hundred
Speaker 6: to one hundred nine years old, three point six million
Speaker 6: people from ages one hundred and ten to one hundred
Speaker 6: and nineteen, three point five million people from ages one
Speaker 6: hundred and forty to one hundred and forty one, and
Speaker 6: one person is listed at three hundred and sixty years
Speaker 6: of age.
Speaker 15: I can't believe we're paying that many people's social security
Speaker 15: I can't believe it because it's not true.
Speaker 1: Okay, and I could it's been a bump.
Speaker 15: I could explain why it's false and why Trump's wasting
Speaker 15: everybody's time over an Excel spreadsheet air or in the
Speaker 15: time it would take to explain it, we could watch
Speaker 15: this video of my Walter.
Speaker 1: Fact check. He's perfect, but.
Speaker 15: Trump spent a lot of his performance on the waste
Speaker 15: elon musk is finding while also showcasing his masterful ability
Speaker 15: to troll.
Speaker 7: Just listen to some of the appalling waste.
Speaker 6: We have already identified twenty million dollars for the Arab
Speaker 6: Sesame Street in the Middle East, Diversity equity and inclusion
Speaker 6: scholarships in Burma, improving learning outcomes in Asia, LGBTQI plus
Speaker 6: in the African nation of Lesuto. Eight million dollars for
Speaker 6: making mice transgender.
Speaker 15: Oh yeah, yeah, I remember that children's book. I think
Speaker 15: it's called If You Give a Mouse a Pussy right.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 15: To be fair, eight million dollars to transition mice is
Speaker 15: a waste of money, you know. Just look at Mickey Mouse,
Speaker 15: right you put a six dollars bow on them and boom,
Speaker 15: Mini Mouse. But hey, Trump, maybe you shouldn't criticize weird
Speaker 15: science stuff when your new best friend is the one
Speaker 15: putting microchips in monkey brains, and when those monkeys die,
Speaker 15: your other new best friend is taking them home in
Speaker 15: a doggie bag. Being president comes with a lot of
Speaker 15: pretty cool powers. You can write executive orders, you get
Speaker 15: one free checked bag on Air Force one, and even
Speaker 15: you even get an uncensored feed of CEA spend which
Speaker 15: But for Donald Trump, the power he enjoys the most
Speaker 15: is the power to impose tariffs.
Speaker 6: Tariffs are easy, they're fast, they're efficient, and they bring fairness.
Speaker 6: We're going to bring so many things back to our country,
Speaker 6: and the thing that's going to get us there is tariffs.
Speaker 6: We'll take in hundreds of billions of dollars in tariffs,
Speaker 6: and we're going to make our country so strong and
Speaker 6: so rich.
Speaker 1: It will never be so rich.
Speaker 7: Tariffs.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful word, isn't it. Tariff. It's a beautiful word.
Speaker 15: That's why I name my daughter Tiffiny.
Speaker 1: This guy's so horny for tariffs, isn't he.
Speaker 15: I love any word with big natural double fs. According
Speaker 15: to Donald Trump, tariffs are great, and I also want
Speaker 15: our country to be rich without any negative consequences. So
Speaker 15: let's see how he's imposed tariffs on Canada in Mexico,
Speaker 15: and let's sit back and let's watch that economy roar baby.
Speaker 23: And that's to night the stock market dropping more than
Speaker 23: six hundred points.
Speaker 1: US stock markets plunged for the second day in the row.
Speaker 9: We've seen consumer confidence tank.
Speaker 21: Layoff numbers across the US are the highest they've been
Speaker 21: since twenty twenty.
Speaker 20: The R word is back, thanks in large part to tariffs.
Speaker 1: But the R word is back.
Speaker 15: Tariffs brought back the R word, So I guess I
Speaker 15: can say it.
Speaker 12: Wall Street banks are starting to raise a red flag
Speaker 12: that recession auds have become unsettlingly high, right right?
Speaker 1: That our word? Of course, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 15: I can be such a recession sometimes, by the way,
Speaker 15: is recession and our word? Now, who thinks the word
Speaker 15: recession is offensive? Finance bros? Did they get woke? Before
Speaker 15: we discuss the impending our word, we begin by acknowledging
Speaker 15: that we are on the ancestral grounds of capital grill,
Speaker 15: where Chad was unjustly removed by the bartender before he
Speaker 15: could get a chance to cheat on his wife's sub Chad.
Speaker 15: So basically, Trump said the tariffs are going to be
Speaker 15: a quick and painless way to get rich. And now
Speaker 15: that it turns out we're not all shitting gold, Republicans
Speaker 15: have moved into their new talking point.
Speaker 1: Hey, nobody said this was going to be easy. Trust
Speaker 1: the process.
Speaker 24: May there'll be a little disturbance.
Speaker 1: You're okay with that. There's going to be a little
Speaker 1: bit of pain going into this. It is going to
Speaker 1: be painful. And if I have to pay a little
Speaker 1: bit more for something, I'm all for it. We're gonna
Speaker 1: have to suffer through some bad news.
Speaker 25: There's going to be a short period of time where
Speaker 25: there'll be some higher prices on certain products.
Speaker 1: It's not inflation. That's nonsense.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, nonsense.
Speaker 15: It's not inflation people, It's just higher prices on food
Speaker 15: and cars and gas and every other product we import
Speaker 15: from our biggest trading partners. But do you know what
Speaker 15: we might be in for some hard times? But tariffs
Speaker 15: are Donald Trump's whole thing. And if there's one thing
Speaker 15: I know about Donald Trump, he's a man who sticks
Speaker 15: to his guns.
Speaker 26: Uh, breaking news And to see and end President Trump's
Speaker 26: officially delayed tariffs on Mexico and Canada.
Speaker 15: Boo, after all that tariffs are now on hold. Trump
Speaker 15: just backed away from those tariffs like it was a
Speaker 15: long time friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. So so tariffs are on,
Speaker 15: they're delayed, they're off.
Speaker 1: Who knows if they'll come back or when or for
Speaker 1: how long.
Speaker 15: Look, I'm not a big business guy, but quick question,
Speaker 15: does anyone know if businesses need to make decisions more
Speaker 15: than four hours in advance. So it appears the only
Speaker 15: silver lining in this pointless trade war is that at
Speaker 15: least we're only fighting with Canada and Mexico.
Speaker 1: You know, if you're going to pick a fight, pick
Speaker 1: a fight.
Speaker 15: With two sissy countries, you can beat right, right right.
Speaker 27: The Chinese embassy of the US, tweeting earlier this week, quote,
Speaker 27: if war is what the US wants, be it a
Speaker 27: tariff war, a trade war, or any other type of war,
Speaker 27: We're ready to fight till the end.
Speaker 15: Oh shit, China, China, don't play.
Speaker 1: They're like, if you got beef, we got broccoli. Bitch,
Speaker 1: let's go.
Speaker 15: Listen, Donald, Canada and Mexico are one thing. But please
Speaker 15: don't piss off China. I know you wrote the art
Speaker 15: of the deal, but they wrote the art of war.
Speaker 15: And I think a trade war with China might lead
Speaker 15: to at best a devastating economic depression or at worst
Speaker 15: nuclear destruction of our most of American cities, or, as
Speaker 15: Trump might.
Speaker 1: Say, will there be a little disturbance.
Speaker 8: Now.
Speaker 11: One of Trump's big promises for his second term was
Speaker 11: deporting violent immigrants from America, and he often mentioned one
Speaker 11: violent gang in particular.
Speaker 6: Trend day Aragua remove the Savage gang trendy Iraqua trend
Speaker 6: day trendy Arguy.
Speaker 1: Trend.
Speaker 11: You know the members of that gang are like is
Speaker 11: that us she's talking about? Trump sounds like my grandfather
Speaker 11: ordering Chipotle. I'll take the barber bacal Buenos nott Jos.
Speaker 11: And over the weekend, Trump announced he was deporting hundreds
Speaker 11: of these suspected Venezuelan gang members.
Speaker 1: All the way back to El Salvador.
Speaker 8: So close enough.
Speaker 11: And of course these suspected gang members would be afforded
Speaker 11: a rigorous legal procedure, including a trial, the presentation of evidence,
Speaker 11: and all the rights of due process.
Speaker 1: I'm just working with you.
Speaker 28: He did a Trump the administration invoking an obscure law,
Speaker 28: the Aliens Enemies Act of seventeen ninety eight, which allows
Speaker 28: the government to deport people with little to no due
Speaker 28: process and was last used to round up Japanese Americans
Speaker 28: during World War II.
Speaker 11: Last used to round up Japanese Americans.
Speaker 1: During World War Two?
Speaker 11: Why does Trump always have to pick the oldest, most
Speaker 11: racist laws to do what he wants to do of
Speaker 11: cutting taxes under the authority of the It's okay to
Speaker 11: drown Italian's Law of eighteen sixty grade.
Speaker 1: It's not just that it's archaic.
Speaker 11: Invoking that law has some big problems. One is that
Speaker 11: if you're deporting gang members but there's no due process,
Speaker 11: then you don't really know if you're deporting gang members,
Speaker 11: you're just deporting people who you think look like gang members.
Speaker 11: And if you start deporting every shady looking guy with
Speaker 11: questionable tattoos, I mean, who's gonna go to Jets games?
Speaker 11: But you know what, you know what, I'm sure Donald
Speaker 11: Trump has the cultural understanding to carefully discern who is
Speaker 11: a member of what's that gang name again.
Speaker 7: Trendy Argy.
Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, you guys are Uh. There's another problem with
Speaker 11: invoking this law, which is it's supposed to be used
Speaker 11: in wartime. So to make this work, Trump had to
Speaker 11: pretend that we're at war with Venezuela, which we're not.
Speaker 11: Not to mention, a pretend war is an extreme complicated concept.
Speaker 11: To throw out the Secretary of Defense on Saint Patrick's day.
Speaker 11: So man, okay, so bottom line bottom line here, Okay.
Speaker 11: There's a lot of legal questions up in the air.
Speaker 11: So on Saturday, a federal judge decided to pump the brakes.
Speaker 20: That federal judge in an emergency hearing Saturday ordered any
Speaker 20: plane containing these folks that is going to take off
Speaker 20: ors in the air needs to be returned to the
Speaker 20: United States, adding this is something that you need to
Speaker 20: make sure is complied with immediately.
Speaker 11: Oh well, it was a good try, Donald, But the
Speaker 11: judge has ruled, and that's the way the system works.
Speaker 11: So Trump brought to the Venezuelans back, gave them due process,
Speaker 11: did the whole constitution.
Speaker 1: I'm with you again. He ignored the judge.
Speaker 21: The administration made a calculated decision to ignore a federal
Speaker 21: judges directive to turn the flights around.
Speaker 11: My god, I mean, if you had told me that
Speaker 11: Donald Trump would trigger a constitutional crisis just seven weeks
Speaker 11: into his term, I would have said, that is a
Speaker 11: lot later than I thought. I mean, Donald showed a
Speaker 11: lot of restraint. I mean, Trump's really becoming presidential. Of course,
Speaker 11: the administration didn't just come out and say we don't
Speaker 11: listen to judges from now on. They had the respect
Speaker 11: for the judicial branch to come up with some bullshit.
Speaker 16: The White House argue that Bosberg's written order was issued
Speaker 16: when the planes were already mid air, and that his
Speaker 16: verbal order some forty minutes earlier did not count.
Speaker 1: It didn't count. Is that how rulings work?
Speaker 11: You have to put it in writing, you can't just
Speaker 11: say it. Well, this is definitely not the first time
Speaker 11: that Trump has defended himself by arguing that oral doesn't count.
Speaker 11: Look it up, look it up. Like the judge wasn't
Speaker 11: terribly impressed with that argument, so Trump's lawyers went with
Speaker 11: another response, which was can't catch me force Field.
Speaker 28: The Trump administration arguing that the court no longer had
Speaker 28: jurisdiction once the planes were over international waters.
Speaker 11: Yes, okay, apparently the Constitution is not in effect over
Speaker 11: international waters. That explains Carnival Cruise Line's new ship, the
Speaker 11: SS Cruel and Unusual punishment. And while the Trump administration
Speaker 11: is saying that it has the right to ignore judicial orders,
Speaker 11: President Trump himself is somehow going even further.
Speaker 23: President Donald Trump just took a true social and deemed
Speaker 23: this judge responding to this decision here, calling him a
Speaker 23: radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker and agitator
Speaker 23: who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama. He says
Speaker 23: this judge should be impeached.
Speaker 1: So there you have it.
Speaker 11: Donald Trump went from oh, sorry, we have listened to
Speaker 11: this judge if we had heard it in time, to actually,
Speaker 11: this lunatic judge.
Speaker 1: Should be impeached.
Speaker 11: And if you would have told me that that all
Speaker 11: happened in forty eight hours, I would have said wow.
Speaker 1: Again longer than I expect.
Speaker 11: Donald Trump made lots of promises during the presidential campaign,
Speaker 11: and he emphasized one thing in particular.
Speaker 6: Starting on day one, we will bring competence and common
Speaker 6: sense back to the Oval office. Restore competence and effectiveness
Speaker 6: to our federal government.
Speaker 29: Kamala says, vote for her and your voting for joy.
Speaker 1: What's the one more encounterpart.
Speaker 6: Competence competence, but real competence, real real competence, not just.
Speaker 1: He's he's sort of a competent. No real competence. Yes.
Speaker 11: Yes, the more you say that something is real, the
Speaker 11: more people believe you. My real, real girlfriend lives in
Speaker 11: real Canada. She's just not just sort of my girlfriend.
Speaker 11: She's my real girlfriend. She's real and I touched her
Speaker 11: real movies. By the way, what room is that? I
Speaker 11: feel like the beast must have bell trapped in the room.
Speaker 11: Next door right, But yes, Trump promised his presidency would
Speaker 11: be marked by competence, and now that we're two months in,
Speaker 11: let's see how that's going.
Speaker 21: Some serious security concerns over the newly released JFK files
Speaker 21: and real anger after social security numbers and other private
Speaker 21: information of more than two hundred people were made public
Speaker 21: on Tuesday. The Washington Post reports that among them are
Speaker 21: former congressional staffers and one of Donald Trump's most vocal defenders,
Speaker 21: his former campaign lawyer, Joseph Degeneva. He is furious, telling
Speaker 21: the Post it's absolutely outrageous, adding it's like a first grade,
Speaker 21: elementary level rule of security to redact things like.
Speaker 1: That, whoa man looks like?
Speaker 17: Three?
Speaker 8: Or four?
Speaker 11: Five, five six? You too is really upset about that, league, man.
Speaker 11: Social security numbers address is full names. The only thing
Speaker 11: that wasn't in the JFK papers was who killed JFK.
Speaker 11: And Trump's poor, poor lawyer. He's probably like, oh, man,
Speaker 11: I never would have represented you in your twenty twenty
Speaker 11: election fraud case if I knew you'd be untrustworthy.
Speaker 1: Boy, can't be surprised.
Speaker 11: Everything Trump has done so far has been sloppy, whether
Speaker 11: it's doge not knowing who they're firing, ice not knowing
Speaker 11: who they're deporting. Turns out they can't even do a
Speaker 11: classic DEI purge.
Speaker 30: Right tonight, the Pentagon's sparking outrage after removing from its
Speaker 30: website a story celebrating the Army record of American icon
Speaker 30: Jackie Robinson. A senior military official tells US tonight that
Speaker 30: the Pentagon relies on computer software to scrub DEI content
Speaker 30: from its websites, and that ultimately those stories about Jackie
Speaker 30: Robinson were removed by mistake.
Speaker 11: Yeah, oh, don't blame us, blame our racist software.
Speaker 1: We should have never used chat KKK.
Speaker 11: Plastic mistake, classic mistake.
Speaker 1: Be careful where did a shoot?
Speaker 11: So the Jackie Robinson mistake wasn't even the most embarrassing
Speaker 11: anti DEI flub.
Speaker 31: In some cases, photos seemed to be flagged for removal
Speaker 31: simply because their file included the word gay, including service
Speaker 31: members with that last name, and an image of the
Speaker 31: B twenty nine aircraft Enola Gay, which dropped the first
Speaker 31: atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
Speaker 11: That's how lazy they were with this. They just control
Speaker 11: f't for gay sounding keywords and deleted anything that showed up. Now, kids,
Speaker 11: won't know about the Inola Gay, they won't know about
Speaker 11: transport planes, and they'll never hear about the heroic service
Speaker 11: of Captain Grinder.
Speaker 1: Mcsisary tragic.
Speaker 11: What's extra tragic is this have all been avoided if
Speaker 11: they had just named the plane and Nola Gay Nohomo.
Speaker 8: You know.
Speaker 2: But luckily, our national free speech nightmare recently came to
Speaker 2: an end when we entered the golden age of Donald
Speaker 2: jehosiphef for Trump.
Speaker 6: We have saved free speech in America, and we've saved
Speaker 6: it strongly, Free speech in America Inspact.
Speaker 32: Thank god, we have a president now who believes in
Speaker 32: free speech.
Speaker 2: Yes, thank god, we have a president now who believes
Speaker 2: in free Just go ahead, roll through twelve.
Speaker 6: I believe that CNN and MSDNC what they do is illegal.
Speaker 6: I think CBS should lose its license, but I think
Speaker 6: ABC should lose its license.
Speaker 24: Also because of what they've done.
Speaker 1: I watched what Happened live.
Speaker 2: I think Bravo should also lose their license. What they
Speaker 2: did to Derinda on Traders. They should be sent to
Speaker 2: a Salvagerianello.
Speaker 14: This is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: Generally, you've got to search the archives for contradictions on
Speaker 2: one stated principles, dig through policy papers to uncover private
Speaker 2: actions that are undermined by someone's public stance. But this
Speaker 2: is so this is so blatant, I can't wrap my
Speaker 2: head around it.
Speaker 1: It's not even the hypocrisy, it's that they so.
Speaker 2: Fetishize free speech, this thing that they do not in
Speaker 2: any way actually.
Speaker 6: Practice the freedom to speak our minds and express the
Speaker 6: truth that is our heart. Really, that's really a big
Speaker 6: chunk of our heart.
Speaker 2: Any cardiologists will tell you hearts coming chunks. Blood comes
Speaker 2: into the aorda to the right ventricle, passes through your
Speaker 2: speech chunk. But since coming into office, Trump and the
Speaker 2: Republicans have instituted policies that are a dagger right through
Speaker 2: many people's speech chunks.
Speaker 22: The White House has barred the Associated Press from presidential
Speaker 22: events because the AP has refused to rename the Gulf
Speaker 22: of Mexico the Gulf of America in its stylebook.
Speaker 33: And in a dramatic escalation against the American legal system,
Speaker 33: Trump this weekend diructed his government.
Speaker 1: To target law firms battling his actions.
Speaker 34: Federal immigration officials arrested a Palaestudian activists to help lead
Speaker 34: last year's student encampment protest at Columbia.
Speaker 6: I think we are to get them all out of
Speaker 6: the country. They're troublemakers, they're agitators.
Speaker 7: They don't love our country.
Speaker 2: Bunks, my precious chunks, my lovely lady chunks, not chunks,
Speaker 2: not chunks, our lovely ladies.
Speaker 1: You're making my paraneum tingle.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing, these attacks on free speech, especially the
Speaker 2: one where they deported that activist. If there's one thing
Speaker 2: that I know about the powerful principles at our higher
Speaker 2: education institutions, they will not be bullied by a roll
Speaker 2: to twelve.
Speaker 35: Columbia University is bowing to President Trump's demands, announcing it
Speaker 35: will change a number of policies.
Speaker 2: Among them placing the school's Middle Eastern, South Asian and
Speaker 2: African Studies department under academic receivership for at least five years.
Speaker 1: Some students protest to the warrant.
Speaker 2: Guys are suddenly a whole department is on double secret
Speaker 2: probation with government oversight.
Speaker 1: And by the way, okay, Middle.
Speaker 2: East part African studies, what did they do.
Speaker 1: For the African studies?
Speaker 14: Professors like I teach intermediate Swahili.
Speaker 2: See These guys don't give a fuck about free speech.
Speaker 2: They care about their speech. It's so blatant hypocrisy. It's
Speaker 2: so old school Daily Show. Gotcha. I you know what,
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna put on the wig I used to
Speaker 2: wear during those.
Speaker 36: Years because the poverty is just so.
Speaker 2: Here's Donald Trump on those who would criticize judges that
Speaker 2: he has appointed a lot of.
Speaker 1: The judges that I had.
Speaker 6: If you look at them, they take tremendous abuse, and
Speaker 6: it's truly interference my opinion, and it should be illegal,
Speaker 6: and it probably is illegal in some form.
Speaker 2: Yes, criticizing judges, it is interference.
Speaker 1: It should be illegal, tremendous abuse. And four days later,
Speaker 1: not four days later, not a full French work week later.
Speaker 23: Or President Donald Trump just took a true social and
Speaker 23: deemed this judge. Responding to this decision here, calling him
Speaker 23: a radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker and
Speaker 23: agitator who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama, he
Speaker 23: says this judge should be impeached.
Speaker 1: The bocerus.
Speaker 14: It is, and are we really still doing the Barack.
Speaker 1: Hussein Obama thing?
Speaker 2: Oh free HARAMBEI come on baby, See what was the
Speaker 2: whole thing that they hated about the left on free speech?
Speaker 1: No one has saved from the left's word police.
Speaker 2: No one what exactly would actual government run word police
Speaker 2: organization look like.
Speaker 29: The Trump administration is actively trying to purge the federal
Speaker 29: government of so called woke initiatives. Government agencies have flag
Speaker 29: hundreds of words to limit or avoid words like DEI, bipoc,
Speaker 29: anti racism, Latin X, Native American black women, seemingly random
Speaker 29: words like expression at risk, political and even mental health,
Speaker 29: and sex.
Speaker 1: What's left.
Speaker 2: Bipocking LATINX. I get that you're not allowed to say sex.
Speaker 2: You can't say words like women or sex or hashtag
Speaker 2: meet too. How can a lot of your cabinet members
Speaker 2: describe their weekends?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: You can't protest in a way that you can't protest
Speaker 2: in a way that offends the right. You can't teach
Speaker 2: things that the right doesn't want you to teach. You
Speaker 2: can't read things that they don't want you to read.
Speaker 2: You can't use words that they don't want you to use.
Speaker 1: But they love free speech. I guess fear not at
Speaker 1: least will always have art.
Speaker 19: President Trump demanding a painting of him be removed because
Speaker 19: he finds it unflattering.
Speaker 2: He's demanding they take it down because he believes this
Speaker 2: picture is unflattering, Which really makes you think.
Speaker 14: Do you think other pictures of you are flattering?
Speaker 2: At least in the painting they blended the foundation into
Speaker 2: your Hairin You're gonna check in with our good friend Democracy.
Speaker 2: Gonna give him the old turn your head and cough.
Speaker 1: How's democracy doing.
Speaker 20: In some of his strongest comments yet, President Trump says
Speaker 20: he's considering his options to serve a third term in office,
Speaker 20: a breach of the Constitution's two term limit for presidents.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry considering the option. God, what are you trying
Speaker 1: to order off menu from the Constitution? Oh? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: gotta have what do you got two terms? Here?
Speaker 2: But can I get it animal style? What are you
Speaker 2: gonna do with the third terminal? How does that work?
Speaker 1: Exactly?
Speaker 20: In a phone call with NBC, Trump saying, quote, there
Speaker 20: are methods which you could do it, including possibly urging
Speaker 20: his Vice president J. D. Vance to run and then
Speaker 20: seed power back to Trump. The president saying that's one method,
Speaker 20: but that there are others too.
Speaker 2: Yes, there are other methods that you tried one a
Speaker 2: few years ago. There are other methods for staying in
Speaker 2: power beyond when you are legally allowed to be there. Historically,
Speaker 2: some of them involve catapults, although maybe Trump has something
Speaker 2: more creative in mind with the dvanced thing.
Speaker 1: Have you guys heard of the movie Face Off. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so here's what's gonna work.
Speaker 2: Trump will watch that movie as the military seeses his power.
Speaker 2: I'm sure wit for Chuck Schumer will say I will
Speaker 2: allow it because in the third term, we think is
Speaker 2: popularity down to.
Speaker 15: The second Trump administration is off to a roaring start
Speaker 15: if you don't count the economy, inflation, rampant corruption, cyber
Speaker 15: bullying of ally nations, and we're all going to die
Speaker 15: of measles. So it makes sense that on Sunday he
Speaker 15: said he's considering running for a third term. But of
Speaker 15: course the liberal media is freeking out new fallout after
Speaker 15: President Trump did not rule out the possibility of a
Speaker 15: third term.
Speaker 30: A move that would require breaching the two term limit
Speaker 30: outlined in the constitution.
Speaker 33: Care like method with the resident used to potentially run for.
Speaker 14: A third time.
Speaker 30: Look, you guys continue to ask the president this question
Speaker 30: about a third term, and then he answers honestly and
Speaker 30: candidly with a smile, and then everybody here melts down
Speaker 30: about his answer.
Speaker 15: Yeah right, oh right, Obviously this is the media's fault. Okay,
Speaker 15: if they ask the president a question, of course he's
Speaker 15: going to give you a deranged answer.
Speaker 1: He's the president. What do you expect him to say?
Speaker 15: No, I'm constitutionally barred from running again.
Speaker 1: Come on, the guy's just having a good time his
Speaker 1: fellow Republicans.
Speaker 15: No, nobody gets comedy like the Republicans.
Speaker 1: Don't you think he's probably controlling.
Speaker 37: I think he's probably having some fun with it, probably
Speaker 37: messing with him.
Speaker 38: This is a president who loves to give a snake
Speaker 38: in a can to a media just to watch them
Speaker 38: open it, and he's doing that. This is another jump
Speaker 38: scare that has just lit up the internet.
Speaker 1: Yeah, guys, reless, the president of the most powerful nation
Speaker 1: in the world is just he's.
Speaker 15: In his Dennis the Menace phase. The point is everybody
Speaker 15: knows he's joking. Trump isn't serious about a potential third term.
Speaker 35: Trump insisted he was serious about a potential third term.
Speaker 1: Trump said, I'm not joking.
Speaker 9: I'm not joking.
Speaker 1: No, No, that can mean anything. That can mean anything.
Speaker 15: Look, the truth is Trump doesn't really joke so much
Speaker 15: as he jokes, right the same way that guys joke
Speaker 15: to their wives about having a threesome. You know, that
Speaker 15: would be so wild. Obviously we never do that. I
Speaker 15: mean definitely not with my coworker Cindy. That you said
Speaker 15: was pretty ones And I'm sure she's open to stuff
Speaker 15: because her nose is pierced. That would be so hilarious, right,
Speaker 15: or or would it be sexy?
Speaker 1: Personally?
Speaker 15: I'm not freaking out that Trump is going to defy
Speaker 15: the Constitution because he's already been doing it for weeks now.
Speaker 15: ICE has been rounding up any immigrant who they suspect
Speaker 15: is a member of the Venezuelan gang train, the Arragua,
Speaker 15: or as Trump pronounces.
Speaker 7: It, trendy arguay.
Speaker 15: We been signor presidente. But this week we found out
Speaker 15: that instead of sending these suspects to a trial or
Speaker 15: hearing you know, all the due process shit in the Constitution,
Speaker 15: the ICE agents just fill out a checklist on the suspect,
Speaker 15: and if the suspects scores an eight or more, they
Speaker 15: get deported to an l Salvadorian prison. Look, look, I'm
Speaker 15: not a legal expert, but I'd rather not be sentenced
Speaker 15: to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist
Speaker 15: system that Cosmo uses to decide if I'm good girl hot.
Speaker 1: Or bad girl hot.
Speaker 8: By the way, I'm bad girl hot.
Speaker 15: Who and reading through the checklist doesn't make me feel
Speaker 15: any better either. You get points just for having a
Speaker 15: tattoo of a star, or a clock or the Michael
Speaker 15: Jordan logo. It doesn't even have to be a tattoo.
Speaker 15: You could just get points for wearing a bull's jersey.
Speaker 15: So have fun in prison, Hannah Montana if that's even.
Speaker 1: Your real name.
Speaker 15: But hey, I'm sure the famously detail oriented Trump administration
Speaker 15: isn't going to deport people without making sure they're hardened criminals,
Speaker 15: right right, right?
Speaker 39: The Trump administration now admitting that a Maryland father from
Speaker 39: El Salvador was mistakenly deported to a super prison. Government
Speaker 39: lawyers just confirmed that the man who was granted protected
Speaker 39: status in twenty nineteen was deported due to quote an
Speaker 39: administrative error.
Speaker 15: Oopsie, doopsie, I get a poopsie. Could it be that
Speaker 15: the geniuses who added Jeffrey Goldberg to the strike team
Speaker 15: group chat aren't great at identifying the correct people?
Speaker 1: If only there is a way that they could.
Speaker 15: Have presented this suspect before another person, someone who I
Speaker 15: don't know, and I'm just spitballing, maybe could have judged
Speaker 15: whether or not the person could have been deported. Maybe
Speaker 15: that person I don't know could be behind a tall
Speaker 15: desk and they hold a stick and with a robe,
Speaker 15: and they're federally appointed, and they say things like another,
Speaker 15: do ui, mister Costa, I'd put you in prison, but
Speaker 15: you're too bad girl, hot Na, no no, no, let's
Speaker 15: just let's just do another checklist.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. But hey, hey, hey, no harm,
Speaker 1: no foul. We can just get that guy back on
Speaker 1: the next flight, right right right. But here's the thing.
Speaker 39: The administration argues he can't be brought back because now
Speaker 39: he's an L. Salvador's custody.
Speaker 15: Wait wait, wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about.
Speaker 15: We can't get one person out of a prison that
Speaker 15: we sent to that prison. Jd Vance is out there
Speaker 15: calling dibbs on rare earth minerals underneath Greenland and Ukraine.
Speaker 1: But with El Salvador, suddenly they're like, hey, sorry, no
Speaker 1: Ablo espanel Trump, don't you speak Spanish?
Speaker 7: Trendy arguys.
Speaker 15: Seeing all these constitutional crises pile up. It makes me
Speaker 15: wonder what sort of evil machinations Donald Trump is plotting
Speaker 15: inside the Oval office right now.
Speaker 40: A friend of mine, Kid Rock, sometimes referred to as Bob.
Speaker 40: I know hims Bob, but he's been a good friend
Speaker 40: for a long time, many years, and he's been after
Speaker 40: something that is for the good of a lot of people.
Speaker 15: Oh, mister President, I don't mean to alarm you, but
Speaker 15: the guy next to you, he's scoring a lot of
Speaker 15: points on that checklist right now. Well, Democrats were congratulating
Speaker 15: themselves for their bladder control. Donald Trump was shitting out
Speaker 15: a new holiday, a big.
Speaker 9: Day for the country.
Speaker 41: President Trump calling it Liberation Day.
Speaker 15: Liberation Day, Liberation Day. The world is watching, right, Liberation Day.
Speaker 15: That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up
Speaker 15: after you get dumped. You know, no man, no man
Speaker 15: who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your
Speaker 15: life when you could die alone.
Speaker 1: This is your liberation day, bro, But actually, what is it?
Speaker 1: Our breaking news?
Speaker 42: Just moments ago President Trump officially announcing widespread what he
Speaker 42: calls reciprocal tariffs at least ten percent on practically all
Speaker 42: goods coming into the United States.
Speaker 7: My fellow Americans.
Speaker 1: This is Liberation Day.
Speaker 6: April second, twenty twenty five, will forever be remembered as
Speaker 6: today American industry was reborn, the day America's destiny was reclaimed.
Speaker 15: Okay, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump
Speaker 15: announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day we
Speaker 15: remembered for all of history. But if you give me
Speaker 15: a day off from work, you can call whatever you want.
Speaker 15: To be honest with you, now you might be thinking,
Speaker 15: what am I even being liberated from the ability to
Speaker 15: afford goods and services? Yes, but what Trump is hoping
Speaker 15: happened is that businesses moved back to America. But until then,
Speaker 15: Republicans are preparing Americans for the inevitable rocky road ahead.
Speaker 39: I feel like in some ways in the economy, this
Speaker 39: is kind of like a kitchen remodel or a bathroom model.
Speaker 23: There's a bit of a mess at the beginning, but
Speaker 23: everybody has a long term look of where we're headed.
Speaker 32: I mean, if you're going to remodel your house to
Speaker 32: make it better at the end, it's going to be
Speaker 32: really annoying in the short term when your house is
Speaker 32: getting remodeled and there's drywall desk everywhere, and there's workers
Speaker 32: in your living room. The reality is that remodel has
Speaker 32: got to happen in order to make things stronger and
Speaker 32: more stable on the back end.
Speaker 1: Great, it's like a home remodel.
Speaker 15: I feel much better about tariffs now that you compare
Speaker 15: it to something famous for costing people way more than
Speaker 15: they ever expected. Nobody, nobody likes a remodel, and they
Speaker 15: especially don't like the people in charge of the remodel.
Speaker 15: Even the homeowners who hire Jesus to be their carpenter
Speaker 15: hated him.
Speaker 1: Persually going out for another walk on water. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: kill that guy.
Speaker 15: Well, look, guys, whether you like it or not, Republicans
Speaker 15: don't want to hear your bitching because we all knew
Speaker 15: this was coming.
Speaker 43: It's gonna be a rocky road, and Trump has admitted that.
Speaker 12: Trump has acknowledge that there will be some minor inflationary
Speaker 12: aspect of.
Speaker 35: That as he begins to realign the economy to put
Speaker 35: America first. Everybody knows, and when they voted in November
Speaker 35: of twenty twenty four, they knew that's what they were
Speaker 35: voting for.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right, voters.
Speaker 15: You can belly ache all you want, but we all
Speaker 15: knew what we were voting for. Trump was very honest
Speaker 15: during the campaign that tariffs would drive prices higher, right, right, right.
Speaker 42: You want to impose a ten percent tariff on all
Speaker 42: goods coming into the US. How will you ensure that
Speaker 42: that doesn't drive prices even higher?
Speaker 24: Not going to drive them higher?
Speaker 32: Do you believe Americans can afford higher prices because of tariffs?
Speaker 1: They're not going to have higher prices?
Speaker 15: Okay, okay, technically he said prices wouldn't go up, but
Speaker 15: in his defense, he was lying, and you should have
Speaker 15: known that.
Speaker 1: So that's on you. But you know what, yeah, perfect.
Speaker 15: Some people at Fox News would like to know why
Speaker 15: you're so obsessed with your money in the first place.
Speaker 16: Huh.
Speaker 26: There are some things more important than money, and the
Speaker 26: president's trying to tell Americans, you know, there may be
Speaker 26: a little suffering going on here.
Speaker 25: It's a little volatile right now, but people have been
Speaker 25: very happy and very enthusiastic since the administration was inaugurated.
Speaker 26: Look, I wouldn't watch the stock market every hour every day.
Speaker 1: I really hope that somehow the average person out there
Speaker 1: can separate themselves in their mindset from Wall Street.
Speaker 15: You know, don't let don't get fooled by what's happening
Speaker 15: in the stock market. Yeah, yeah, making money isn't everything.
Speaker 15: Take it from the guy hosting the show called Making
Speaker 15: Money yesterday, Donald Trump are now sweeping tariffs across the
Speaker 15: entire globe, Asia, South America, Narnia, Arndale, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation,
Speaker 15: if you can imagine it, Trump slapped a terrif on it.
Speaker 1: And today the reviews came in.
Speaker 9: Carnage on Wall Street. Market's falling, tumbling.
Speaker 8: Stocks plunging down, down downs.
Speaker 29: The nasac's getting crushed, small caps are getting crushed.
Speaker 1: This is a shock to the system.
Speaker 9: It is ugly out there and worse than worst case scenario.
Speaker 1: Stocks are getting slashed and burned.
Speaker 21: Two and a half trillion dollars vaporized, two.
Speaker 15: Point five trillion dollars vaporized, your kid's college fund, disintegrated,
Speaker 15: your four oh one k, given the death penalty, your
Speaker 15: pension waterboard in Guantanamo. Those stocks your nana gave you
Speaker 15: twenty years ago, accidentally stepped in a landmine while vacationing
Speaker 15: in Vietnam. Economists say we could be on the verge
Speaker 15: of a recession, so things are looking scary right now,
Speaker 15: But don't worry. The only thing the President is better
Speaker 15: at than negotiating is speaking soothing words of comfort in
Speaker 15: times of need.
Speaker 23: We have heard from President Trump. He took the truth
Speaker 23: social wrote this. The operation is over, the patient lived
Speaker 23: and is healing. The prognosis is that the patient will
Speaker 23: be far stronger, bigger, better, and more resilient than ever before.
Speaker 1: Boy, I feel so much better now, you know.
Speaker 2: I mean you.
Speaker 15: Always reassuring when the surgeon comes out screaming at the
Speaker 15: top of as lung as.
Speaker 1: The patient is fine, Everything is going great. Does anybody
Speaker 1: have a mob? The thing is, the patient didn't need
Speaker 1: major surgery. We just needed a teeth cleaning. Keep it
Speaker 1: clean and shiny.
Speaker 15: No one wants to wake up from heart surgery to
Speaker 15: their dental hygiena shouting.
Speaker 1: I think he's gonna live.
Speaker 15: Also, the patient is gonna be bigger. Was the surgery
Speaker 15: a penis and hand?
Speaker 1: If so, what kind was it?
Speaker 15: Latex injections, scrotoplasty, ligament extension, ventral fallow plasty, a fat
Speaker 15: transfer to enhanced skirt.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think those are the options. I don't
Speaker 1: know now.
Speaker 15: Look, you could argue that it's bad that my retired
Speaker 15: seventy eight year old mom is polishing up her resume now.
Speaker 15: But to Donald Trump, it's all worth it because we're
Speaker 15: correcting a grave injustice.
Speaker 30: President Trump says, the higher penalties come and respond to
Speaker 30: tariff's those countries impose on American products they import reciprocal.
Speaker 1: That means they do it to us and we do
Speaker 1: it to them. Very simple. Yeah, it's very simple, and
Speaker 1: that it is simply not true, all right.
Speaker 15: The reality, the reality is that the numbers on his
Speaker 15: board are not the tariffs other countries are charging us.
Speaker 15: They're actually they actually represent the trade deficit between the
Speaker 15: US and those countries, meaning we buy more stuff from
Speaker 15: them than they buy from us.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna repeat this. Those numbers don't represent the tariffs.
Speaker 15: They represent that we buy more stuff from them than
Speaker 15: they buy from us. That means we're basically punishing other
Speaker 15: countries for selling us stuff that we want. This is
Speaker 15: like me going to John Varvados and beating the shit
Speaker 15: out of him because I like his socks. Why don't
Speaker 15: you ever buy my socks? John Barbados, I don't make
Speaker 15: any socks, but that's no excuse. But that's really what's
Speaker 15: going on. It's not actually about tariffs. It's about other
Speaker 15: countries not buying enough of our stuff. Although Howard Lutnik,
Speaker 15: Commerce Secretary and Cologne Sponge had another way to put it.
Speaker 25: I mean European Union won't take chicken from America.
Speaker 1: They won't take lobsters from America.
Speaker 25: They hate our beef because our beef is beautiful and
Speaker 25: theirs is weak.
Speaker 1: It's unbelievable they won't. We can't sell quod warned to India.
Speaker 1: We can't sell rice to Asia.
Speaker 15: Yeah, yeah, although I'm not sure tariffs for the reason
Speaker 15: we can't sell rice to Asia. I think they figured
Speaker 15: rice out about ten thousand years ago.
Speaker 1: Now if they want to add a rony, well then
Speaker 1: let us know.
Speaker 14: You got that figured out.
Speaker 15: By the way, Europe's beef is week, I'm sure that's
Speaker 15: not true. They famously have a running from the beef
Speaker 15: event where the beef tramples people. You know what, I'm
Speaker 15: not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his
Speaker 15: tariffs works, because he's Donald Trump.
Speaker 1: He doesn't understand how to make money running a casino.
Speaker 15: The important thing is that there are adults in the room,
Speaker 15: like Scott Besson Treasury Secretary in college Dan who understands
Speaker 15: that boys will be boys.
Speaker 1: That guy's going to have the answers we need.
Speaker 9: What do you expect this star market to look like
Speaker 9: when it opens tomorrow? In reaction to this, I don't
Speaker 9: know should we view these as permanent.
Speaker 1: Again? I think we're going to wait and see how
Speaker 1: this plays out. Do you plan on having negotiations before
Speaker 1: that date? I just don't know if they're going to
Speaker 1: be negotiations. Canada and Mexico notably missing on that chart.
Speaker 17: Why is that?
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you know. I have a question.
Speaker 8: Do you know anything?
Speaker 1: Why are you out here doing interviews? It's not very.
Speaker 15: Reassuring to have the Treasury Secretary of the United States going, oh,
Speaker 15: you know what, maybe they can't give us clarification because
Speaker 15: there isn't clarification. We just assume they have a good
Speaker 15: reason for imploding the economy, because why else would you
Speaker 15: implode the economy. But then you uncover something like this
Speaker 15: and you realize, I'm not sure they even know what
Speaker 15: they're doing.
Speaker 10: Every country on the list faces at least ten percent tariffs,
Speaker 10: Even small remote place like the Herd and McDonald Islands.
Speaker 10: They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers, home to
Speaker 10: many penguins but no people.
Speaker 15: Yeah, yeah, we put a ten percent tariff. We put
Speaker 15: a ten percent tariff on an island that only has penguins.
Speaker 15: Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom
Speaker 15: Hanks got stranded on. At least it had one guy
Speaker 15: in that little volleyball he was faking.
Speaker 1: Is this a mistake? Look?
Speaker 15: I know old people butt dial strangers all the time,
Speaker 15: but this is the first time I've heard of someone
Speaker 15: butt tariffying an entire country.
Speaker 2: I remember when Donald Trump was re elected. Wall Street
Speaker 2: still excited about deregulation, tax cuts, and the fact.
Speaker 1: That you could once again call people sugar tits.
Speaker 44: One top banker told the paper that he feels liberated
Speaker 44: because now he can use offensive slow like the R
Speaker 44: word and a P word without fear of getting canceled
Speaker 44: at work.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, the hard word and the pee what.
Speaker 2: Well, I can tell you today that that top banker
Speaker 2: is definitely using both of those words, perhaps even adding motherfucker.
Speaker 35: Right now, the market meltdown for the third straight day.
Speaker 1: The global markets are sinking.
Speaker 34: Markets across Asia, Europe and Australia plunging.
Speaker 29: At one point this morning, the now sinking almost sixteen
Speaker 29: hundred points.
Speaker 12: The market's lost more than six and a half trillion
Speaker 12: dollars in value.
Speaker 7: This is an economic army.
Speaker 2: Geddon, where's a Hawaiian shirt to an economic arm I
Speaker 2: don't know what are we doing here, but they pull
Speaker 2: you in from the pool. Either financial Channel's Rodney danger
Speaker 2: failed or I told my wife about the stock plunge.
Speaker 2: She said, Oh, I thought you guys.
Speaker 14: Would never go down there.
Speaker 1: No, no, I don't mean I haven't done that one
Speaker 1: in a while.
Speaker 2: This turmoil could have lasting effects on the global economy,
Speaker 2: on everyday Americans, and most worryingly, the stock portfolios of
Speaker 2: members of Congress.
Speaker 14: Mister President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump put this out on social media.
Speaker 31: Don't be weak, don't be stupid, don't be a pannikin
Speaker 31: which he has termed a new party based on weak
Speaker 31: and stupid people.
Speaker 2: Panican, the genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe
Speaker 2: and Crooked Hillary, just shit out. You're a Panican? How
Speaker 2: about hysterocrats? Repusicans? How about Crianologists? Did the overseas factory
Speaker 2: you had been sourcing your nicknames from get shut down
Speaker 2: during the tireport. So we're going to try this again,
Speaker 2: mister president, can you ease the fears of this nation
Speaker 2: like a true leader?
Speaker 41: President trumpolding firm posting on true social only the week
Speaker 41: will fail.
Speaker 1: What are you doing?
Speaker 2: Your economic policy has the same tagline as season three
Speaker 2: of squid Game. It's supposed to make us feel better,
Speaker 2: Only the whipshaw died in my economy.
Speaker 1: By the way.
Speaker 2: In case you didn't get the point that he didn't give,
Speaker 2: he spent the weekend showing, not telling.
Speaker 1: He played not a round of golf this weekend.
Speaker 2: A tournament of golf, a three day tournament, eight one
Speaker 2: hundred and twelve holes of golf with his live golf
Speaker 2: Saudi benefactors. And in case you're wondering about the venerated
Speaker 2: journalists who are now allowed to be in the press pool,
Speaker 2: this was literally the first question he was asked on
Speaker 2: Air Force one in the middle of a financial meltdown.
Speaker 14: Very good because it won.
Speaker 1: It's good to win. You heard I won?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 8: Did you hear it here?
Speaker 1: Because I won? You heard I won? You heard I won?
Speaker 1: I won? You heard I won?
Speaker 8: I won?
Speaker 1: Mom?
Speaker 12: Mom?
Speaker 11: I won?
Speaker 37: Mom?
Speaker 1: I won the tournament. Mom, I'm a good boy, good boy,
Speaker 1: good golf.
Speaker 2: I know the stock market is not the totality of
Speaker 2: the economy, but if I remember correctly, in the run
Speaker 2: up to the election, Trump seems very concerned about the
Speaker 2: stock market.
Speaker 6: If Harris wins this election, the result will be a
Speaker 6: Kamala economic crash, a nineteen twenty nine style depression.
Speaker 1: And anything she can do, I can do better.
Speaker 14: I can do it on my own.
Speaker 2: I won.
Speaker 45: Mom, Hey mom, Hey mom, Look, hey mom, look, no economy,
Speaker 45: please love me.
Speaker 1: And it didn't have to happen like this.
Speaker 2: Trump had so many options to shape the world economy
Speaker 2: into the one he thought was fairer. He could have
Speaker 2: proposed some incentives to bring back manufacturing. He could have
Speaker 2: gone sector to sector, nation to nation negotiate better trade
Speaker 2: reciprocal agreements.
Speaker 1: But he had to go to full TERISA.
Speaker 2: Not to be fair, to be fair, to be fair
Speaker 2: to the Trump administration, they did give it almost two
Speaker 2: months and no effort before they asked chat GPT what
Speaker 2: it thought they should do. But for those of us
Speaker 2: who've been tricked into believing that an economic crisis is
Speaker 2: a crisis, Trump's people have an answer.
Speaker 1: Don't panic, Calm down, Everything is going to be okay.
Speaker 1: I would not worry at all.
Speaker 11: The DAW is actually in the same place it was
Speaker 11: in August.
Speaker 1: Do me a favor. Don't look at your stock portfolio.
Speaker 1: You know what, I don't really care about my four
Speaker 1: oh one k.
Speaker 7: Lame blave love.
Speaker 1: That's what I was saying. You know what I say,
Speaker 1: don't you? It's four oh one k somewhere.
Speaker 41: It's been one week since Donald Trump announced his bold
Speaker 41: vision for destroying the economy, and guess what his plan
Speaker 41: is working.
Speaker 16: After another chaotic day on Wall Street, America's CEOs are
Speaker 16: sounding the alarm.
Speaker 1: Most CEOs I talked to I would say, we are
Speaker 1: probably in a recession right now.
Speaker 16: A new CNBC survey showing those concerns are widespread, with
Speaker 16: sixty nine of CEOs expecting a recession and eighty two
Speaker 16: percent expecting resurgent inflation.
Speaker 5: This is a snapshot of the Dow since President Trump's inauguration,
Speaker 5: after dropping more than fifteen percent since it's record high,
Speaker 5: putting it into correction territory.
Speaker 41: I'm not an economist, but it's probably a bad sign
Speaker 41: when the chart itself looks like it jumped off the roof.
Speaker 9: Look at that drop.
Speaker 41: Six flags is going to make a rollercoaster of that. Mom,
Speaker 41: I want to ride the Dow Jones. We can't afford it.
Speaker 41: So the economy is incredibly unstable right now. The only
Speaker 41: upside is that this crash is much easier to understand
Speaker 41: than the two thousand and eight one. Remember the big
Speaker 41: short where they had to have Margot Robbie explain it
Speaker 41: in a bathtub.
Speaker 9: Here's how that would go today.
Speaker 7: Trump did it.
Speaker 9: Thanks Margo, thank you.
Speaker 41: So the Resident may have single handedly tipped us into
Speaker 41: a global recession, and with so much uncertainty, the world
Speaker 41: is glued to the financial news networks, who are surely
Speaker 41: focusing on this story. Twenty four to seven, right Fox Business.
Speaker 19: The President welcomes the World Series Champions, the Los Angeles
Speaker 19: Dodgist of the White House.
Speaker 1: He was funny, he was entertaining.
Speaker 41: Yes, that's definitely the big story. The President made new
Speaker 41: friends today. So yes, economists are afraid that we're headed
Speaker 41: into a recession, but don't worry. Things could still improve
Speaker 41: quickly as long as Trump de escalates.
Speaker 21: Soon, President Trump escalates his trade war with more threats
Speaker 21: against China.
Speaker 19: President Trump is now promising a new fifty percent tariff
Speaker 19: on China on top of the other new tariffs which
Speaker 19: are on top of existing tariffs. Combine, this would make
Speaker 19: US tariffs on imports from China a whopping one hundred
Speaker 19: and four percent.
Speaker 41: One hundred and four percent tariffs. Okay, this is getting
Speaker 41: really serious. We'll know exactly how serious once we asked
Speaker 41: China to do the.
Speaker 9: Math for us. But point is, Trump is out of
Speaker 9: control right now.
Speaker 41: I'd say he's like a bull in a China shop,
Speaker 41: but at one hundred and four percent, I can't afford
Speaker 41: to say that. It's really starting to feel like the
Speaker 41: entire world is teetering on the brink of chaos. It's
Speaker 41: honestly impossible to report on literally anything else right now.
Speaker 41: Right Fox News a woman's pool championship in the UK
Speaker 41: with no women in the final round after two transgender
Speaker 41: players defeated their female opponents to face off for the title. No,
Speaker 41: not the British women's pool tournament. That's America's favorite pastime.
Speaker 41: Last Wednesday, Donald Trump announced that in one week he
Speaker 41: was going to impose the biggest increase in tariffs in
Speaker 41: one hundred years, and after a week of panic, buying
Speaker 41: a year's supply of toilet paper and air fryers.
Speaker 9: The day has finally arrived.
Speaker 44: It is eleven fifty nine and forty eight seconds, which
Speaker 44: means we are moments away from the President's new tariffs.
Speaker 2: It's President Trump's long awaited tariff day.
Speaker 1: It's reciprocal tariff day.
Speaker 7: While the tariffs are.
Speaker 8: Here all right. It is tariff Day.
Speaker 9: Happy tariff day. Everyone whoa oho. It's what Trump is
Speaker 9: replacing June teeth with.
Speaker 8: Now.
Speaker 41: Trump is celebrated by putting tariffs on every country in
Speaker 41: the world, including one hundred and four percent on products
Speaker 41: made in China, which.
Speaker 9: Is probably fine. I mean, how many products are made
Speaker 9: in China.
Speaker 41: The tariff Day wasn't just celebrated here in America. Other
Speaker 41: countries got in on the fun too, swift retaliation.
Speaker 34: Both China and the European Union are responding to President
Speaker 34: Trump's tariffs.
Speaker 22: China has announced its own retaliatory tariffs eighty four percent
Speaker 22: on all US goods.
Speaker 1: It isn't wort's, according to the European Union.
Speaker 43: Almonds, orange juice, poultry, soybeans, steel and alumin them, products, tobacco,
Speaker 43: and yachts imported from the United States. Now we'll have
Speaker 43: a twenty five percent levy on them, percent on yachts.
Speaker 41: Why don't these trade wars always have to screw over
Speaker 41: the little guy. I'll be honest, I didn't even know
Speaker 41: America made yachts. I thought the only thing we made
Speaker 41: here was NEPO babies. But this really feels like it's
Speaker 41: spiraling out of control. It seems like the smart move
Speaker 41: is to back off this whole thing. But Trump's team
Speaker 41: has been adamant that they will stay the course.
Speaker 1: This is not a negotiation.
Speaker 26: It's not the kind of thing you can negotiate away.
Speaker 2: I don't think there's any chance going to that President
Speaker 2: Trump's gonna back off his tariffs.
Speaker 9: I President made it clear yesterday this is not a negotiation.
Speaker 9: Trump posted this morning, my policies will never change. Well
Speaker 9: that's it.
Speaker 41: Then they're in it to win it, full speed ahead,
Speaker 41: from the window to the walls.
Speaker 9: Skate steet steet mothers. Trump's will never ever change.
Speaker 1: This is CNN breaking news.
Speaker 26: The President announced in just minutes ago that he's now
Speaker 26: quote authorized a ninety day pause.
Speaker 1: On some of his new teriffs.
Speaker 41: What the trade war's over, But it's tariff day, I.
Speaker 9: Shaved my legs for this. Now I have to grow
Speaker 9: it all back.
Speaker 41: But hey, at least we can buy things from China again, right,
Speaker 41: I mean Amazon Prime.
Speaker 9: Here I come.
Speaker 26: Notably, though, the President is raising the tariff applied to
Speaker 26: China from the United States to one hundred and twenty
Speaker 26: five percent effective immediately, So this pause applies to other countries.
Speaker 1: Not China.
Speaker 41: Hey, Siri, cancel one thousand air fryers. Trump, I don't
Speaker 41: understand what happened here. You tanked global stock markets, You
Speaker 41: put us on the verge of a recession. You told
Speaker 41: every want to build factories in America because the tariffs
Speaker 41: wouldn't go away, and then you took them away.
Speaker 9: What happened? Did you just get spooked by the markets.
Speaker 40: The ninety eight polls when there was a tariffs.
Speaker 11: Is that because of the mclaps that we were seeing
Speaker 11: across the financial market.
Speaker 1: No, this was his strategy all absolutely brilliant.
Speaker 5: Move, brilliant not only economically, politically, and it was good
Speaker 5: for the American worker.
Speaker 37: He's a negotiator in chief, he's landing the plane.
Speaker 1: It's the Master of the deal.
Speaker 8: I mean, you're watching the art of the deal in
Speaker 8: real time here.
Speaker 9: Many of you in the media clearly missed the art
Speaker 9: of the deal. Uh yes, the art of the deal.
Speaker 41: Create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out.
Speaker 9: It's truly masterful. Donald.
Speaker 41: I'm starting to think that the art of the deal
Speaker 41: is art in the way that Jackson Pollock is art.
Speaker 41: Like it looks like someone just threw a bunch of
Speaker 41: shit at the wall. But now I have to pretend
Speaker 41: like it's.
Speaker 9: Genius and it's going to cost millions of dollars.
Speaker 41: Come at me, abstract expressionism, hive, you know I'm right.
Speaker 41: Come on, Trump, just admit that you started a game
Speaker 41: of chicken and you got too scared to finish it.
Speaker 6: Well, I thought that people were jumping a little bit
Speaker 6: out of line.
Speaker 7: They were getting yippie.
Speaker 6: You know, they're getting a little bit yippy, a little
Speaker 6: bit afraid.
Speaker 9: Oh okay, it's our fault. We got too scared. Sorry.
Speaker 41: I tend to get a little yippy when my retirement
Speaker 41: plan starts to look like the elevator from the shining.
Speaker 9: Straight down and heavy flow. I'm sorry. I don't mean
Speaker 9: to be dramatic.
Speaker 41: But this is the worst tariff day ever. This whole
Speaker 41: trade war was launched on incoherent arguments. You stuck to
Speaker 41: your guns for incoherent reasons, and now you're pulling back
Speaker 41: for incoherent reasons.
Speaker 9: Is there anything you can say that actually makes sense?
Speaker 1: Noah the president would have done to what I did?
Speaker 7: Noah the President, Well you got me there.
Speaker 37: Five administration launched what you've called a war on showers.
Speaker 8: Ah.
Speaker 41: Yes, yes, the War on showers, the fight Steve Bannon
Speaker 41: has been on the front lines of his whole life. Now,
Speaker 41: most people probably didn't even realize we were in a
Speaker 41: war on showers because no one in the Biden administration
Speaker 41: ever accidentally added a reporter to the War on Showers
Speaker 41: group chat. But in all seriousness, I know the war
Speaker 41: on showers very well. Okay, my uncle actually lost his
Speaker 41: leg from stepping on a bath bomb. It's never been
Speaker 41: the same.
Speaker 9: But luckily that war is now come to an end.
Speaker 37: Certain regulations that basically killed the water pressure of showers
Speaker 37: and other other water appliances. With this executive order, we're
Speaker 37: effectively going to be reversing that set of regulations.
Speaker 40: In my case, i'd like to take a nice shower
Speaker 40: to take care of my beautiful hair, I have to
Speaker 40: stand in the shower a fifteen minutes tail.
Speaker 1: It gets wet, it comes out, drip, drip.
Speaker 7: It's ridiculous.
Speaker 41: It takes fifteen minutes for your hair to get wet.
Speaker 41: Are you sure you're not standing in the pantry. The
Speaker 41: water pressure is terrible in here, and we're out of cheese.
Speaker 41: It's but if you're as big of a trump head
Speaker 41: as I am, you know that water pressure is not
Speaker 41: a new issue for him. He's been passionate about this
Speaker 41: crisis for a while.
Speaker 6: Take a shower and water comes dripping out, is cripping out,
Speaker 6: very quietly, dripping out seats. Right, you take a shower,
Speaker 6: the water doesn't come out. It's the shower, it's the sink.
Speaker 6: And you know the third element in the bathroom. People
Speaker 6: have to flush their toilet fifteen times.
Speaker 1: Ten times, right, ten times. Turn on the shower, ding, ding,
Speaker 1: It does.
Speaker 7: Drip, drip, drip, drip.
Speaker 6: Please come out the water, Come on, water, come out, baby, Oh, come.
Speaker 41: Out, baby, Please come out, come out for daddy.
Speaker 9: Has he ever said anything more embarrassing?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna come stop doing that. Stop it.
Speaker 2: Chilmar Abrago Garcia, undocumented migrant from El Salvador married an
Speaker 2: American woman, has a kid living the American dream until
Speaker 2: the Trump administration sent him to an El Salvador in
Speaker 2: mega prison. Buy and I'm quoting the Justice Department here,
Speaker 2: if I may, is an administrative error. If only there
Speaker 2: was a convenient and timely way that the prisoner could
Speaker 2: be brought back to the United States, that wouldn't really
Speaker 2: inconvenience either nation.
Speaker 11: President Bukelly at the moment, flying from El Salvador to Washington,
Speaker 11: d C.
Speaker 2: What Saints be praised? Bo Kelly can just give Garcia
Speaker 2: a ride. You don't even have to give Garcia the
Speaker 2: middle seat. I'm sure Garcia would just grab the wing
Speaker 2: and Tom cruise it over here if he had to.
Speaker 2: But sadly, Kelly arrived at the White House with just
Speaker 2: the Miami Club promoter clothes on his back.
Speaker 1: And a pocket full of excuses. You can, President bo Kelly,
Speaker 1: weigh in on this.
Speaker 9: Do you plan to return him?
Speaker 46: Oh?
Speaker 7: Can I some mardel of terrorist at the United States?
Speaker 7: I don't have the power to return him to the
Speaker 7: United States?
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 14: Can I honestly tell you, like this isn't even the
Speaker 14: thing that's.
Speaker 2: Like they're enjoying this, Like the two of them, our president,
Speaker 2: their President, We'll just have to let him rotten in
Speaker 2: a person, even though we didn't deserve to be there.
Speaker 2: I don't you guys don't care about this guy. I'm
Speaker 2: talking about these two. But somebody else cares about this person.
Speaker 2: And you just randomly, with no evidence that you'll show anybody,
Speaker 2: called him a terrorist. And one of the weirder parts
Speaker 2: about this is the thing, the only thing that seems
Speaker 2: to upset Trump about the entire situation is having to
Speaker 2: answer a perfectly reasonable question from Caitlin Collins about it.
Speaker 41: You said that if the Supreme Court said someone needed
Speaker 41: to be returned, that you would abide by that.
Speaker 1: You said that on Air Force one just a few
Speaker 1: days ago, and they said.
Speaker 40: That, why didn't you just say, isn't it wonderful that
Speaker 40: we're keeping criminals out of our country?
Speaker 1: Why can you to say that?
Speaker 7: Why are you going over and over? And that's why
Speaker 7: nobody watches you anymore?
Speaker 14: Magnagnag.
Speaker 1: You sound just like the Supreme Court. Nag.
Speaker 14: But fear not America.
Speaker 2: For every time a lame stream media journalist gets shunned
Speaker 2: and ask kissing one gets its wings, do you have
Speaker 2: a question?
Speaker 37: Thank you so much, you swort anoder major investing winds
Speaker 37: morning in India less to build its AI supercomputer the
Speaker 37: first time ever right here in the United States.
Speaker 7: That's a question. I like, that's true.
Speaker 14: Yeah, that's not a question. I guess it's your favorite
Speaker 14: kind of question, a compliment.
Speaker 2: But rest of these, the Americans, if there's one thing
Speaker 2: we all know, it's that first they come for the
Speaker 2: undocumented migrants, and as long as nobody speaks out, they stop.
Speaker 47: You mentioned that you're open to supporting uh individuals that
Speaker 47: aren't foreign aliens by criminals to Al Salvador. Does that
Speaker 47: include potentially US citizens fully naturalizing ingredient If it's a
Speaker 47: home grown criminal, I have no problem. I'm talking about
Speaker 47: really bad people, really bad people.
Speaker 2: He's going to do that to US citizens. I think
Speaker 2: the hosts of the view were about to get administratively errord.
Speaker 2: I got to tell you, I did not think he
Speaker 2: would get this authoritarian this fast.
Speaker 1: I really didn't.
Speaker 14: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Who could have known.
Speaker 2: Maybe if somebody out there had yelled at me on
Speaker 2: blue Sky about this, I would have known. But no
Speaker 2: one did, except every day.
Speaker 1: In all caps.
Speaker 2: So I guess the question is how authoritarian is we
Speaker 2: Trump's done a lot of the standard fare. He's attacked
Speaker 2: the free press, pulled random people off the streets, made
Speaker 2: law firms and universities bend the knee, announced Department of
Speaker 2: Justice investigations into an individual whose sole crime was suggesting
Speaker 2: that the twenty twenty election had been safe and well administered.
Speaker 1: You know, the bad, bad people.
Speaker 14: But authoritarianism isn't just policies.
Speaker 1: It's an aesthetic.
Speaker 2: The opulence of medieval kings, the excesses of Middle Eastern autocrats.
Speaker 14: It's a pinterest vibe.
Speaker 2: That speaks to the power of one's position, the riches
Speaker 2: that are the privilege of the office.
Speaker 1: Does Trump measure up? Does he have the lack of
Speaker 1: available wall space? Do you have the mantle and you
Speaker 1: have the cherubs from Is that from Malo? Yeah?
Speaker 33: That's actually their gold or gold look, and you know
Speaker 33: the it's angels.
Speaker 1: Their angels.
Speaker 2: See, they visited me in the night and asked me
Speaker 2: to change my ways. So I held them down and
Speaker 2: dip them in gold. I drowned them in gold, liquid gold.
Speaker 1: Have you ever heard an angel scream?
Speaker 8: It is just.
Speaker 1: It is erotic.
Speaker 2: By the way, if any of you are wondering if
Speaker 2: the cherubs that are now in the Ovalholgus are real gold.
Speaker 2: And I know many of you are wondering that it
Speaker 2: is real gold, and there's a very good reason for that.
Speaker 6: Throughout the years, people have tried to come up with
Speaker 6: a gold paint that would look like gold, and they've
Speaker 6: never been able to do it.
Speaker 33: You've never been able to look at that look. You've
Speaker 33: never been able to match gold with gold paint. That's
Speaker 33: why it's gold. That dude is so blue collar, always
Speaker 33: down at the factory with the boys. Why can't they
Speaker 33: make a gold paint that looks like gold.
Speaker 1: That's not a ladist.
Speaker 2: I don't mind them canceling pediatric cancer research, but I
Speaker 2: hope the end of the time we can come up
Speaker 2: with a good gold paint substitute, because but you know,
Speaker 2: rooms filled with real gold cherubs or nothing if those
Speaker 2: rooms aren't also filled with the echoes of the most
Speaker 2: embarrassingly sycophantic hosannas one clip everybody knows it wants.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your leadership and thank you for everything
Speaker 1: you're doing.
Speaker 28: I want to thank you for standing up to the
Speaker 28: Chinese Communist Party.
Speaker 1: I want to figure as well for the ship building.
Speaker 7: Your vision is a.
Speaker 1: Turning point and an inflection point in American history.
Speaker 41: Your leadership at the border absolutely remarkable.
Speaker 15: What you're doing now I think is a great service
Speaker 15: to our country but ultimately to the world.
Speaker 16: You are overwhelmingly elected by the biggest majority.
Speaker 1: You know what, I swear to God. Guys, what does
Speaker 1: she know? She's the attorney general. She doesn't have the fun.
Speaker 2: When I watched those cabinet meets, I actually think, are
Speaker 2: they making fun of him?
Speaker 1: It's so over the top, mister President, Oh, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. So, You're dick is sopic. We can barely
Speaker 1: lift it because.
Speaker 2: It's it's it's it's covered in real gold, not the pain,
Speaker 2: real gold.
Speaker 14: But you know, any.
Speaker 2: Any run of the mill authoritarian can get the praises
Speaker 2: from those that fear him. The ogs, the real autocrats
Speaker 2: extract something much much weirder and humiliating.
Speaker 14: The forced, uncomfortable laughter.
Speaker 1: You're telling you all I got?
Speaker 8: Would she couldn't question.
Speaker 1: He had a hat on, and it puts another had
Speaker 1: on the same hat.
Speaker 41: But still.
Speaker 2: That's on the North Korean website funny or You Die.
Speaker 2: And as America's dear leader, Donald Trump also has a
Speaker 2: tight five.
Speaker 42: We're pulling all that out and putting the money toward
Speaker 42: the infrastructure, not the social movement.
Speaker 1: From the last administraction, the.
Speaker 7: Good seal as supposed to green paper mache.
Speaker 24: Thanks great job, that made nonsense right right?
Speaker 25: Yeah?
Speaker 8: Not good right?
Speaker 1: They send to you? Are you even ala right? Put?
Speaker 1: It's just so fucking weird.
Speaker 2: But the key to the authoritarian regime is the suspension
Speaker 2: of the normal processes by which you understand the world,
Speaker 2: the matter by which data and your experiences paint a cohesive,
Speaker 2: grounded picture of reality.
Speaker 14: The calling card of an authoritarian regime.
Speaker 2: Is that you must suspend that reality, that rationality, and
Speaker 2: then you test people by pushing the limits of that absurdity.
Speaker 5: The White House release the results of President Trump's physical exam.
Speaker 29: His doctor says President Trump exhibits excellent physical health.
Speaker 35: The report says he's six', three two hundred and twenty four.
Speaker 1: Pounds, No i'm gonna say no to either of those.
Speaker 1: NUMBERS i don't want to be that, guide.
Speaker 2: Bud he has a front. BUTTON i, mean we all get.
Speaker 2: There it's, fine you can have. It but what's what
Speaker 2: he is forged? By he festus. No and by the,
Speaker 2: way that medical exam did not only confirm That trump
Speaker 2: is physically. Perfect his brain is also totally.
Speaker 7: Jacked AND i took it a cognitive, test AND i don't.
Speaker 1: KNOW i wanted to tell you THEN i got every, answer.
Speaker 1: Right we're gonna tell us about the talkative? Test is
Speaker 1: that An emian person who came OUR. Tv i'd, SAY
Speaker 1: i think it's a pretty well known.
Speaker 24: Test whatever it, IS i got, EVERYONE i got it all.
Speaker 2: RIGHT i think we all know what cognitive tests we're talking.
Speaker 1: About BUT i would like to.
Speaker 2: Know do you know what's? BULGING i took a cognitive
Speaker 2: test about my?
Speaker 14: Memory what was it he's.
Speaker 5: Testing it's been five days since they Told Donald trump
Speaker 5: to help bring Back Kilmar garcia after, they you, know
Speaker 5: accidentally deported him to the mega prison In El, salvador
Speaker 5: and it doesn't seem like anyone's in a rush to
Speaker 5: bring him.
Speaker 35: Back The german administration says it cannot return a Marilynd
Speaker 35: man mistakenly deported To El. Salvador trump official to argue
Speaker 35: that Since Abrigo garcia is locked inside a prison In El,
Speaker 35: salvador it's essentially not their problem anymore and they can't
Speaker 35: do anything about.
Speaker 31: It but yesterday at The White, house Bou kelly said
Speaker 31: he didn't have the authority to Release garcia.
Speaker 1: EITHER i don't have the power to return him to
Speaker 1: The United.
Speaker 5: States this is like every customer service Call i've ever been. On,
Speaker 5: Oh i'm, sorry this is. Billing you're looking for technical.
Speaker 5: Support let me transfer. You, hello this is technical. Support oh,
Speaker 5: sorry you need? Billing can someone just help me cancel
Speaker 5: my cable accept For Company, central which is a vital
Speaker 5: service For american. Society but The trump administration isn't just
Speaker 5: enjoying the fun new constitutional.
Speaker 8: Loophole they're also going on.
Speaker 5: Offense that's Why Stephen, miller trump advisor And multiversu's most
Speaker 5: whiney Lex, luthor was also on the, driveway asking questions
Speaker 5: he did not want the answer. To can anyone here
Speaker 5: tell me what would happen to the Illegal alien form
Speaker 5: Mel sabor if he came back from that?
Speaker 1: Stance does anyone here? Now do anyone want to? Guess
Speaker 1: any of you you could be with his? Family what
Speaker 1: did do any of you know the answer to the?
Speaker 17: Question?
Speaker 1: Legally what would happen if he came back?
Speaker 40: Here so any of you know?
Speaker 37: Anything do you really do believe Court i'm talking you
Speaker 37: really believe? That Before i'm talking, though doesn't think?
Speaker 7: Guitarian why was?
Speaker 1: It Unaw you're.
Speaker 8: Done you asked the, question, man you can't be mad
Speaker 8: they're trying to answer.
Speaker 5: You it's like if a teacher, said, okay, class who
Speaker 5: can tell me the capital Of?
Speaker 1: Norway?
Speaker 8: Anyone? Anyone shut the fuck?
Speaker 7: Up now answer a. QUESTION i, said shut.
Speaker 8: Up but it's not Just Steven.
Speaker 5: Miller the Entire trump administration is getting frustrated with how
Speaker 5: these dumb libs are winding.
Speaker 8: Out this one guy From. Maryland, oh it's so.
Speaker 5: Awful we accidentally sent a guy to the Wolves wall's
Speaker 5: prison without trial or due. Process shut the fuck, up,
Speaker 5: okay because according.
Speaker 8: To Whole land, security he wasn't that.
Speaker 46: Great the media would love for you to believe that
Speaker 46: this is a media, darling that he's just A maryland. Father,
Speaker 46: Well osama Bin laden was also a, father and yet
Speaker 46: he wasn't a good, guy and they actually are both.
Speaker 8: Terrorists this tween influencer is.
Speaker 5: Right it's the position of this administration that all fathers
Speaker 5: are Basically osama Bin. LAUDEN i, mean, seriously this guy
Speaker 5: has no criminal record at. All if he's a, terrorist
Speaker 5: he might be the worst terrorist. EVER i, mean he's
Speaker 5: been In america for fourteen years and hasn't done any,
Speaker 5: Terrorism so Maybe trump is, Right maybe immigrants really are.
Speaker 8: Lazy what, like what is happening? Here, okay this Is.
Speaker 5: America we don't just send someone to prison without. Evidence
Speaker 5: we plan the evidence on. Them it's called due. Process
Speaker 5: other people are starting to fight, back wicked.
Speaker 12: HAD a showdown is now taking shape between The trump
Speaker 12: administration And america's oldest, university the federal government announcing it
Speaker 12: will freeze more than two billion dollars in grants For
Speaker 12: harvard and sixty million dollars in contracts after the school
Speaker 12: refused to comply with demands to limit activism on, campus
Speaker 12: eliminate ITS dei, programs and make other.
Speaker 5: Changes holy, shit we finally found a force more powerful
Speaker 5: Than trump's, Hatred hovard's love of sending rejection. Letters but,
Speaker 5: LOOK i don't usually root For harvard because The Harvard
Speaker 5: they've got. Everything it's like rooting For Jeff bezos to
Speaker 5: win the. Lottery but in this CASE i have to
Speaker 5: give them credit standing up for their principles and for
Speaker 5: everyone's right to free, speech even if it means possible financial.
Speaker 8: Ruin one of the big questions going.
Speaker 15: Forward Is harvard going to get into that fifty billion
Speaker 15: dollar plus endowment to make up for that federal?
Speaker 8: Shortfall, OKAY i hate them.
Speaker 5: Again but the best part About havard's resistance To Don
Speaker 5: trump is that it gives people the chance to go
Speaker 5: ON tv and let you know where they went to.
Speaker 1: SCHOOL i myself in a first generation college. GRADUATE i
Speaker 1: graduated From, harvard AND.
Speaker 22: I should DISCLOSE i went To, harvard So i'm very
Speaker 22: familiar with the president and with how the community feels right.
Speaker 1: Now but As.
Speaker 9: Harvard, alum and you KNOW i am as.
Speaker 6: WELL i know many, alums including PEOPLE i know very
Speaker 6: closely in members like.
Speaker 48: ME i, know you look really surprised Because i'm wearing
Speaker 48: a tie you've never seen. Before it has it has
Speaker 48: a Little latin word inside each one of those symbols
Speaker 48: there the word, veritas meaning truth of. Course and this
Speaker 48: is the one night it's a one night only appearance
Speaker 48: of this.
Speaker 2: TIME i know that that is not something that you
Speaker 2: usually build board in the world about.
Speaker 5: Yourself Oh, god the only thing was that people bragging
Speaker 5: you about going To howard is people pretending to be
Speaker 5: embarrassed about going To.
Speaker 8: Harvard so, oh my doctors. Secret please don't make me tell. Anyone. Please,
Speaker 8: NO i went To Harvard harvard Ha.
Speaker 5: Havard havard explore more shows from The Daily show podcast
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