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Speaker 1: Okay, I'll just get a lot of dating life.

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Speaker 2: I'll go ahead.

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Speaker 1: Ay, oh, I love that.

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Speaker 2: Hello, gorgeous, it is Lala Khan. Welcome back to my podcast.

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited because today I have Sabrina Zohar here.

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Speaker 2: We have a mutual friend that I can't wait to

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Speaker 2: deep dive into. You are a dating and relationship expert

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Speaker 2: known for your unfiltered nobs advice, which I really wholeheartedly needna.

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Speaker 2: I cannot wait to fucking talk to you. You give

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Speaker 2: heart takes and real strategies. Her tough love takes go

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Speaker 2: viral on social media. Are you more on TikTok or Instagram? Both?

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Speaker 1: I'm an equal opportunist here, I've got same followers.

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Speaker 2: I'm both good for you. She also got her own

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Speaker 2: clothing line called Software. She's the host of the Sabrina

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Speaker 2: Zohar Show. It's also on YouTube. So welcome to my podcast.

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Speaker 2: I am so thrilled to have you.

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Speaker 1: Thanks Dad, I'm super excited to be here.

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Speaker 2: I was talking to Amber the other day. We share

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Speaker 2: a baby daddy, and she was like, I'm going out

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Speaker 2: with a girlfriend today and I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 2: that's so fun. She's like, yeah, we're going to lunch.

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Speaker 2: She's such a fucking badass. You would love her. I

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Speaker 2: have to introduce you. She's a relationship expert, and I

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Speaker 2: was like, how many of those are out there? And

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Speaker 2: I go, what's her name? Because we had you lined

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Speaker 2: up to get on the pod, and she goes, Sabrina Zohar.

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Speaker 2: I go, holy shit, she's coming on my podcast in

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Speaker 2: a few days. And she just like raved about you,

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, we were just talking about this before

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Speaker 2: we started. When people say, oh, it's such a small world,

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Speaker 2: it is truly the tiniest of worlds, like now between

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Speaker 2: like the industry that we're all kind of in. Then

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Speaker 2: you mix all the platforms that we call social media.

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Speaker 2: Everyone has fucked everybody in.

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Speaker 1: Some capacity some way. We all have. I have so many. Well,

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Speaker 1: first of all, I didn't know that you guys share

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Speaker 1: the same baby daddy. That is great that you guys

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Speaker 1: have such a great relationship, because it's fucking shows the

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Speaker 1: strength of the two of you.

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Speaker 2: First of all, it shows the strength truly of her

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Speaker 2: more so than me. Okay, is my takeaway from it.

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Speaker 2: We had such it was just not a good situation

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Speaker 2: at the beginning, and no matter how you want to

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Speaker 2: break it down on how it happened. At the end

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Speaker 2: of the day, it is what it is. I was

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Speaker 2: the other woman, and whether I knew that or not,

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Speaker 2: whether I chose to turn a blind die, who knows

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Speaker 2: the reasoning. I have apologized profusely to her for the

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Speaker 2: pain that I caused her during that time, and at

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Speaker 2: one point she said to me, you have to let

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Speaker 2: it go. I can see her saying that I forgive you,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like it, like, who are you that you

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Speaker 2: could look me in my eyes and not only look

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Speaker 2: me in my eyes, have conversations and also be my friend.

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Speaker 1: Well, I doesn't say, but and you sell yourself short. Yes,

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Speaker 1: of course it is so much strength from her, but

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Speaker 1: also for you to have the humility to be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna own my shit. I'm sorry, here's my part

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Speaker 1: in it. Can we move on from it? Because it

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Speaker 1: shows you really the heart that you have, because you

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Speaker 1: very easily could have been like fuck that girl, I

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Speaker 1: don't care, man Na manute, but you didn't. You chose

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Speaker 1: to step up and step into your power and say like, hey, man,

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Speaker 1: here's what it is. Can we move past this? And that?

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Speaker 1: To me, it's not about the conflict, is the repair.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, she's she's my family. I love

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Speaker 2: her so well. She's the best.

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Speaker 1: She's the best.

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Speaker 2: Like the other day I called her and I was like,

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Speaker 2: do you want to go to the park with me

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Speaker 2: and Ocean and Sosa? And she like met up with us.

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Speaker 2: We have we will forever be bonded for the mere

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Speaker 2: fact that our kids are sisters. Right, but we can

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Speaker 2: also call each other and vent about the same person

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Speaker 2: who did us both very dirty, you know. And I

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Speaker 2: can only imagine what she was sitting there thinking when

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Speaker 2: I was with this person. I'm sure she was like,

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Speaker 2: you'll find out. You will find out, And I fucking did.

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Speaker 1: As somebody who's been on it, I've been on I've

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Speaker 1: been on both sides. I've been the person that came

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Speaker 1: after and then I was the person that got the

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Speaker 1: email after of like, hey, by the way, we share

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Speaker 1: the same experience, yes, And as the person that receives it,

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Speaker 1: when you're sitting there and you're like, it's okay, don't worry,

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Speaker 1: you'll come We'll be having a conversation soon, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's the most liberating feeling because at the end of

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Speaker 1: the day, when you can talk to somebody else and

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Speaker 1: realize that you're not alone in an experience, it changes

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Speaker 1: the game because it's dating relationships. Doing all of these things,

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Speaker 1: especially depending on the dynamics of the situation, you can

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Speaker 1: make yourself literally go fucking insane, you can gaslight yourself,

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Speaker 1: and we get so in our heads that being able

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Speaker 1: to have somebody else be like, hey man, that's not you,

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Speaker 1: especially that knows the.

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Speaker 2: Situation right, it is very liberating. Yeah, and it also

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Speaker 2: feels amazing because it's wild that when she's struggling with

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Speaker 2: something that's going on, I can be her strength, and

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Speaker 2: when I'm struggling, she becomes my strength. So we have

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Speaker 2: this really beautiful balance. But I also admire her because

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Speaker 2: she did not let the experience with our baby daddy

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Speaker 2: define her. She's been able to go out and date

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Speaker 2: and put her heart on the table still, where I

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Speaker 2: have actually struggled tremendously with doing that, and I've asked her,

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Speaker 2: like the other night, I have to tell you. So

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Speaker 2: it's like ten thirty at night and I'm having an

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Speaker 2: issue with the baby daddy. So naturally i call Amber

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, what are you doing. I'm pissed off,

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Speaker 2: and she goes, oh, you know, I'm just laying in

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Speaker 2: bed with a super hot drummer. And I laughed and

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Speaker 2: I go aha, I go lou too, and he goes hey.

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Speaker 2: I like, oh shit, you're being serious.

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Speaker 1: You're like, oh fuck, oh hey, good to see you. Well,

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Speaker 1: first of all, I need to have a conversation with

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Speaker 1: her about that, but that's for another.

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Speaker 2: Day that I'm here for something. I'm so sorry. But

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Speaker 2: I was like, damn, like, you're out here and you're

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Speaker 2: meeting people, and whether it works out with them or not,

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Speaker 2: who cares. You're at least going through the process of elimination.

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Speaker 2: You're miles ahead of what I'm doing.

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Speaker 1: And wasn't say where are you at mentally? Emotionally, Let's

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Speaker 1: tell what a loaded quit, right, isn't it?

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Speaker 2: So I feel mentally when I get to a place

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Speaker 2: where I'm like, I'm ready to put myself out there,

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Speaker 2: I go and do it and immediately run scared because

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Speaker 2: I see what's out there and I feel defeated by it.

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Speaker 2: I also have tremendous trust issues. And then I sit

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Speaker 2: here and I say, there's no judgment for people who

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Speaker 2: are on dating apps, but if there's no judgment, and

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Speaker 2: you're noticing that people are meeting on dating apps and

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Speaker 2: they're having success, then why won't you do it? And

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Speaker 2: it's like, well, because I'm judging them, I.

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Speaker 1: Just say usually more often than not, it's like, what's

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Speaker 1: the story, what's the narrative? Because I met my partner

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Speaker 1: on a dating app and I, oh, yeah, and I

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Speaker 1: get it. I totally understand the stigma. And they're like, ah,

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Speaker 1: I don't want.

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Speaker 2: To do it.

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Speaker 1: When I moved to New York, I just turn nineteen,

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Speaker 1: so I was a baby maging myself. Okaycup it had

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Speaker 1: just come out, and so like wow, it was the

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Speaker 1: first like desktop app that you were like oh, and

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Speaker 1: I remember like Match had been out, YadA YadA, and

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Speaker 1: when Okaycup it came out, like I was still going

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Speaker 1: to bars and meeting people. I was still doing what

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Speaker 1: the old what we did in the old days of

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Speaker 1: like having a conversation face to face and like not

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Speaker 1: relying on technology. It's so weird. And then when the

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Speaker 1: apps came out, it was like a field day every

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Speaker 1: I mean everyone as the most good looking, attractive, like

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Speaker 1: incredible people were on there. Because we didn't know what

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Speaker 1: it was and so I've seen the iterations. I've been

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Speaker 1: through Okaycupid and Tender and all of them, right, Okay,

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Speaker 1: And I think at the end of the day, there's

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Speaker 1: a couple of things. One, is it a casino.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, the.

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Speaker 1: House always wants to win. Their goal is to make money,

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Speaker 1: and we know that, but you could still break the

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Speaker 1: system because there are still people that win in the

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Speaker 1: slot machines. And for me, I think it's really about

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Speaker 1: a couple of things. One, am I being a better buyer?

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Speaker 1: Am I vetting these people properly? Am I?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: I see a profile, especially like it depends on the app.

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Speaker 1: We're talking rya that is to be seen, not to

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Speaker 1: be met, right, Like very few people meet on Riya.

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Speaker 1: It's just kind of a like, oh I'm on this app,

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Speaker 1: but not as many people actually proactively are like making date.

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Speaker 1: At least for me, I was on the way for years.

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Speaker 2: Amber said the same thing. She said, Riyah, it's usually

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Speaker 2: like people want to be your pen pal. No one's

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Speaker 2: ever looking to actually link up. And then she says like,

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Speaker 2: I don't need a pen pal, have a great one,

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Speaker 2: bro Okay, So that's kind of where that one lies. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what about then Tinder came into play.

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Speaker 1: Is a dinder. I don't understand. I don't get how

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Speaker 1: even people are using it in seriousness because there's so

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Speaker 1: many bots and all this the fakes. And I have

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Speaker 1: had some friends, like one of my friends, and many

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Speaker 1: ways ago, not even like a three or four years ago.

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Speaker 1: She I guess somehow they introduce this like worldwide feature,

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Speaker 1: and so she somehow got matched with this, like this

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Speaker 1: guy in Italy came up for.

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Speaker 2: Her a worldwide feature, let's make it even more excitable.

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Speaker 1: It's like she would we do outer space? Do that

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Speaker 1: would because that would work out for a lot of

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Speaker 1: the people in LA. But this guy, he was so

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Speaker 1: gorgeous that she thought it was sack. She was veryly convinced,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, come on, there's no way, and he

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Speaker 1: ended up they faced time. He ended up coming to

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Speaker 1: visit her. They had this whole ten days together. And

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Speaker 1: so like there are of course on the country, real

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Speaker 1: people on Tinder in America, it's very bots and fakes

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Speaker 1: and I don't even bother with it, or people just want.

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Speaker 2: To hook up bye, that's just okay.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of people that have had success hinge

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Speaker 1: now hinge is the only one. And the reason I

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Speaker 1: like it is because one it's not gamifying the swipe,

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Speaker 1: which I really enjoy. I don't want to have to

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Speaker 1: sit there and swipe yes or no. What I like

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Speaker 1: about it is that I can make a move as well,

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Speaker 1: or you can make a move right.

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Speaker 2: Like either person, but it has to be like mutual.

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Speaker 1: Still okay, still, you're still mutual. So as a heterosexual woman,

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Speaker 1: those are the norms I'm gonna speak in. Please fill

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Speaker 1: in for anyone listening what fills for you. If I'm

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Speaker 1: dating a man, right, okay, I can like his photo,

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Speaker 1: but he still has to match me, which I enjoy.

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Speaker 1: I like that I can still put it out there.

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Speaker 1: I can say something to him as well, like hey,

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Speaker 1: you know your hat, Like if I were like just

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Speaker 1: a mom, what else is there to you?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I hope nobody says that to you besides me. But

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Speaker 1: then like, let's say there's something on that okay, but

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Speaker 1: then you can choose. I want to start the conversation.

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Speaker 1: So I like that both people have to still agree,

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Speaker 1: but both people can shoot their shot because you never know, right.

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Speaker 1: But if you're not swiping, but someone comes up and

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Speaker 1: you're like, WHOA, I don't want to keep looking I

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Speaker 1: like that.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: So my partner when he matched with me, I had

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Speaker 1: been on apps on and off for the fifteen years

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Speaker 1: of my adult life before I met him between New

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Speaker 1: York La.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: You get into a relationship, you you know, you date Okay,

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Speaker 1: then you get off and maybe you're on the apps

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Speaker 1: for a little longer. You delete them, right, like it's

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Speaker 1: this dance that you go through. And I met my

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Speaker 1: fair share of like really attractive men that were total garbage.

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Speaker 1: I met my fair share of amazing people on there.

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Speaker 1: But when I met my partner, what stood out was

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Speaker 1: the way that he didn't do anything about my looks.

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Speaker 1: He chose a prompt that I had and he wrote

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Speaker 1: like a full paragraph to engage a conversation.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: So immediately was like whoa, Okay, yeah, I'm in, And

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Speaker 1: then within an hour was right to hey, let me

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Speaker 1: take you out, like, give me your number if you're comfortable.

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Speaker 2: This was here in La or San Diego, San Diego. So,

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Speaker 2: had you set up your profile to be like within

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Speaker 2: a certain distance.

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Speaker 1: I So my trajectory was before I started any of

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Speaker 1: this stuff, like I have my clothing line software and

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Speaker 1: I was supposed to Shark Tank and I was like, Wowrett, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was on set, like eight months of prep of

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Speaker 1: doing everything, like literally, I'm in the green room being like, dude,

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Speaker 1: you're next, like you're set up, there's Mark Cuban, you ready,

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Speaker 1: and I fucking did. My Joe just spends some meditation

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm so ready, And twenty thirty

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Speaker 1: minutes goes by, and you know, you're like in your gut,

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Speaker 1: you're like something doesn't feel right, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: the producer comes in and says, I'm so sorry, we

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Speaker 1: can't fit you on today and we don't have any backups,

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Speaker 1: like we don't have any other days for you, sorry,

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Speaker 1: and so like I hit rock bottom. And then two

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Speaker 1: weeks later they call, we've got a spot for you. Cool,

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Speaker 1: I'm back up. I thought that was my life. And

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Speaker 1: then ten o'clock at night the night before, I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 1: we're not gonna be able to fit you on. Try

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Speaker 1: again next year. When I say, my world crumbled, like

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Speaker 1: I thought that was it. I thought that was my career.

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Speaker 1: And so I was dating this guy who was super avoidant,

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Speaker 1: and I was just like this just wasn't working. And

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Speaker 1: it's not about avoidant or anxious or any of that shit.

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Speaker 1: It was the fact that this person didn't have any

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Speaker 1: emotional bandwidth. And it became clear because in a month

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Speaker 1: after Shark Tank, my dog got sick and passed away

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Speaker 1: within ten days, and the dude was nowhere to be seen. Wow,

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Speaker 1: no where to be seen. Like I remember calling him

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Speaker 1: when when I found out about Clem and his response

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Speaker 1: was I was gonna watch a movie tonight. What did

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Speaker 1: And even my mom she was like, what, how did you.

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Speaker 2: Meet this guy? And okay, so he's here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and we had and he was very sweet. It

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Speaker 1: is so limited. It was like it was palpable, like

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Speaker 1: you couldn't talk about emotions. He didn't know what to

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Speaker 1: do with them. And so I literally I went over

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Speaker 1: his house. We were like, it was a whole thing,

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Speaker 1: and he just was saying some bullshit and I walked out.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I'm done, I'm good. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do this anymore.

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Speaker 2: I was like, the end for you.

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Speaker 1: I'm good girl. If you knew, I'll just say he

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Speaker 1: deflected a lot and I got in my car and

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Speaker 1: I remember I cried and I called my mom because

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Speaker 1: she was in town, and I was like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: where's me and him? We're supposed to go to San

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Speaker 1: Diego to see my sister for Thanksgiving and I said, Mom,

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Speaker 1: you're coming with me? And I was like, let's go.

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Speaker 1: And I climbed had passed. I'm like, what else do

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Speaker 1: I have here? And I was like, fuck, La, I'm done.

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Speaker 1: I want to I want to move. So I went

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Speaker 1: to San Diego. My sister lives there, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm get a try. I started going to

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Speaker 1: see apartments and I was like, I like it here.

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Speaker 1: It's really quiet, it's mellow. Just so happened. My partner, now, Ryan,

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Speaker 1: he was supposed to move, didn't get the house ended

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Speaker 1: up being within the fifteen mile proximity that I was in.

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Speaker 1: Because I had he gotten this house, we would never

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Speaker 1: have matched, and it just like was very seamless and

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Speaker 1: we matched. He went into Okay, can I take you out?

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Speaker 1: First date? Wasn't that int him?

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Speaker 2: Honest?

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Speaker 1: I thought he was okay?

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Speaker 2: What about him? Did you just feel? Was okay?

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Speaker 1: He was so present and secure and healthy and like

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Speaker 1: into me that I was like, oh no, I don't

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Speaker 1: like that isn't that.

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Speaker 2: The craziest shit ever?

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Speaker 1: Welcome to attachment styles and drama?

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Speaker 2: Is that what it is? Because I think about this

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Speaker 2: so often that the only men who have come into

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Speaker 2: my life since my my ex, they've been They've placed

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Speaker 2: me in a situation where I feel like I have

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Speaker 2: to defend myself or I have to like be hard

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Speaker 2: on them or kind of tell them I have to

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Speaker 2: be in fight mode, maybe either mom not. I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: say their mom.

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, what do you fight me?

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Speaker 2: It would be just and I wouldn't even say that

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Speaker 2: it's It's like it's just combative and I'm so comfortable

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Speaker 2: in it.

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, how familiar is that?

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Speaker 2: It's so familiar because I know how to do that

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Speaker 2: all day long. Of course, so when you talk to

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Speaker 2: me about someone who who showed up, was present in

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Speaker 2: the moment, had healthy conversation, I too think I would go,

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Speaker 2: I'm good. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, he's a try. I found everything. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I hate his car color, it's like really really yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't like it's blue. And then I was like

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Speaker 1: his clothes are too tight, and it's like all of

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00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,520
Speaker 1: those things could very easily change. Oh, I don't like

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00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:16,920
Speaker 1: that he buzzes his hair. It's like, don't worry, he

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00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,640
Speaker 1: grew it out now, But really what when we hooked

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Speaker 1: up on the first date. That's the irony of it.

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Speaker 1: Like I wasn't into himself, was like, I don't care whatever,

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Speaker 1: I'll get died down. And then when I left, I

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm probably never gonna see this guy again.

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Speaker 1: That's fine. I really let go of the outcome. I

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Speaker 1: just didn't care if it worked out or not. I

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Speaker 1: had lost one my best friend, my dog when he passed.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't care about any of this stuff.

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Speaker 1: And then the next day Ryan texted me and he

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm still smiling from last night. I'd love

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Speaker 1: to see you again.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, you're like really, I haven't

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Speaker 2: thought about you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. It was like since I left, I was like, right, mean,

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00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,120
Speaker 1: it was funny. Just made a TikTok about this tech

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Speaker 1: guy that I hooked up with last night. Did you

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Speaker 1: really That's how we got the name tech guy. He

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Speaker 1: probably was like, just promised me you'll keep me anonymous,

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Speaker 1: and the ironies. He works at my company now, so

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Speaker 1: he's very not anonymous.

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Speaker 2: No, we're talking about him and he's fine. He doesn't

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Speaker 2: give you that guy is alive and well as Ryan.

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Speaker 1: I love him and he's but really the kind of

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00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,520
Speaker 1: the at the end of the day, let's talk about

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Speaker 1: why do I go for people that I'm not in

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Speaker 1: or why are the people that I don't like like

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Speaker 1: me versus the ones that I'm into. It's combative or

365
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,000
Speaker 1: it's unhealthy or whatever. Right, So it's a couple of things.

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Speaker 1: One we have to look at patterns and core beliefs,

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Speaker 1: so depending on and we don't have to get two

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Speaker 1: into the weeds of it. But like if you and

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Speaker 1: I were having a conversation offline, my first question would be,

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Speaker 1: how well do you feel when you're dealing with these people?

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Speaker 2: When I'm dealing with men, these.

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Speaker 1: Schmo's that you're combative with and having that to mental us.

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Speaker 2: Feel like I'm in my early twenties again, Okay.

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Speaker 1: What happened in your early twenties? That feels like it's

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Speaker 1: reminiscent of that.

376
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Speaker 2: Dealing with dudes who they just want to they want

377
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Speaker 2: to be children still and they want to go off

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Speaker 2: and they want to live their life, and you know,

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Speaker 2: so they're wild oats and I want them to be

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Speaker 2: in a partnership because I like partnerships. The problem is

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Speaker 2: now is I'm thirty five, they're also but they still

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00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,560
Speaker 2: want to act that way. And when you take me

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Speaker 2: back to my twenties, and I've consistently had to deal

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Speaker 2: with that behavior, and then was in fight mode with

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Speaker 2: the biggest relationship I've ever had that was supposed to

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Speaker 2: end in marriage, that ended with a baby. I was

387
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Speaker 2: in fight mode there. I don't know any different.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, your nervous system is completely dysregulated whenever you're dating,

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00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,680
Speaker 1: because it's all it knows. I don't trust you. Back

390
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,680
Speaker 1: the fuck up. But then I would go even further

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Speaker 1: of like, okay, and again, we don't have to talk

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Speaker 1: about this here if you don't want to whatever you feel.

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Speaker 2: Like, it's such an open let's talk about it all.

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00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:28,440
Speaker 1: Then we go deeper of like, okay, what was the

395
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,440
Speaker 1: relationship between your parents together? And then how did they

396
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,560
Speaker 1: attune to your needs individually? Because sure, in your twenties

397
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,360
Speaker 1: you start to notice these things, but where did they start.

398
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,000
Speaker 1: They start in early childhood. And it doesn't mean your

399
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,520
Speaker 1: parents are about people. They could be incredible, but like

400
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,160
Speaker 1: for me, my father's narcissistic, and my mother's a people pleaser.

401
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,560
Speaker 1: My mom, I would literally set myself on fire for her,

402
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,960
Speaker 1: but she completely disassociates like she can't she doesn't know

403
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,320
Speaker 1: how to set boundaries and she's learning now. Growing up,

404
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,000
Speaker 1: my father hit us. He was incredibly abusive, very verbal,

405
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,200
Speaker 1: like leave, would smack us and leave the house, would

406
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,600
Speaker 1: go off with his mistress. What did I learn? I

407
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,360
Speaker 1: can't trust that people are going to stay here with me.

408
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,880
Speaker 1: I am used to people that I'm too much around

409
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,040
Speaker 1: them because my father couldn't handle our emotions. So I

410
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,760
Speaker 1: always felt like I'm too much but not enough. Okay,

411
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,959
Speaker 1: that dichotomy, So, of course, then what did I do?

412
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,840
Speaker 1: I consistently dated men that reaffirmed that to me. So

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00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,360
Speaker 1: if I came to write these guys that were dismissing

414
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,920
Speaker 1: me or being flippant or playing games with me, that's

415
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,119
Speaker 1: like my dad. So that feels familiar to my nervous system.

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Speaker 1: It knows how to keep me safe.

417
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Speaker 2: There.

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00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,680
Speaker 1: Then if I meet somebody like Ryan, my nervous system

419
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,639
Speaker 1: and my core beliefs are you mean I'm fine as

420
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,760
Speaker 1: I am? You mean there's nothing wrong with me? I'm okay?

421
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,280
Speaker 1: You mean you want to give me love freely and

422
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,000
Speaker 1: I don't have to work for it. Now, there must

423
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,840
Speaker 1: be something wrong here and we don't know how to

424
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,280
Speaker 1: receive that because it feels really foreign to our body.

425
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,400
Speaker 1: And that's where the work really starts to come in

426
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,040
Speaker 1: of How would I feel if I allowed myself to

427
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,119
Speaker 1: receive love? What feels scary about that? Do I not

428
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:44,880
Speaker 1: trust myself?

429
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,040
Speaker 2: You know I don't. I relate to everything you're saying

430
00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:53,040
Speaker 2: when it comes to the dating. However, with my parents,

431
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:59,399
Speaker 2: my dad was amazing. I'm sure I saw fights, but

432
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,840
Speaker 2: when it came to their relationship, I watched my parents

433
00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:07,040
Speaker 2: as best friends. I watched them navigate really difficult times

434
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,679
Speaker 2: together and come out on top. I noticed my dad

435
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,520
Speaker 2: was more I didn't want to call him weak, but

436
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,480
Speaker 2: he allowed people to walk on him. He would rather

437
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,199
Speaker 2: not deal with confrontation and just give someone what they wanted,

438
00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,600
Speaker 2: and it put him in really hot water later on

439
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,720
Speaker 2: in life, which eventually the stress of that I think

440
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:31,080
Speaker 2: killed him. My mother is tough. She will give you

441
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,720
Speaker 2: all the love in the world, but at the end

442
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,560
Speaker 2: of the day, you better sack the fuck up. You

443
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,679
Speaker 2: are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for how you feel.

444
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,240
Speaker 2: Nobody else, But there was so much love in my

445
00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:44,800
Speaker 2: household that it's almost like, when I go out to

446
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:50,480
Speaker 2: meet meet dudes, I immediately want to run back home

447
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,320
Speaker 2: because there's nothing like the love I feel at home totally.

448
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,840
Speaker 2: So I'm like, why would I go out and meet

449
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,639
Speaker 2: someone when I'm so fulfilled at home and I feel

450
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,560
Speaker 2: so safe and I feel protected, and I feel like

451
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,359
Speaker 2: I could take on the world. And then when I

452
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,480
Speaker 2: go out there, it's like, oh my god, this is terrifying.

453
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,880
Speaker 2: And I have trust issues and my family's never done

454
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,760
Speaker 2: me dirty, so why would I leave them? Then?

455
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,840
Speaker 1: So, and this is I'm glad we're talking about this

456
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,679
Speaker 1: because I think, look at the two right, we have

457
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,000
Speaker 1: two completely different experiences growing up, but yet similar in

458
00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:20,239
Speaker 1: the experiences of how it's manifesting an adult life. And

459
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,800
Speaker 1: that's actually really important because I think a lot of

460
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,480
Speaker 1: us look, for me, like the big teas of like, oh, okay.

461
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,040
Speaker 2: Were they hitting me?

462
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,639
Speaker 1: And where were they abusing me? Where were they leaving me?

463
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:26,960
Speaker 2: Right?

464
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,120
Speaker 1: And that is real, that is one hundred percent real,

465
00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,840
Speaker 1: and that will cause a lot of anxiety or avoidance

466
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,040
Speaker 1: or whatever. But then we look at little teas and

467
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,720
Speaker 1: what it essentially is is like what we want to

468
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,560
Speaker 1: look at is where did I learn this behavior from?

469
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 1: Where did I learn that I can't trust other people?

470
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:40,719
Speaker 2: Is it?

471
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: Maybe? And again it could be no one did anything wrong,

472
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:45,120
Speaker 1: but maybe my parents never taught me how to tune

473
00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:47,199
Speaker 1: into my own emotions. Like I have one client, I

474
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,760
Speaker 1: love him, and his parents are amazing people, like they're

475
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,640
Speaker 1: so lovely, but growing up and he's such a lovely guy,

476
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,639
Speaker 1: but he kept finding himself in the same relationships with

477
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,159
Speaker 1: these girls that were kind of like psychotic, not even crazy, no,

478
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,800
Speaker 1: like we'll slash your tires and find you with like

479
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 1: that type that you're like, oh, I'm a little concerned.

480
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:03,800
Speaker 2: For my safety.

481
00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,119
Speaker 1: And when we started to unpack it, what he realized

482
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,480
Speaker 1: was growing up his mom. Anytime they felt sad or

483
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 1: had an emotion, instead of her being like, hey, let's

484
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 1: talk about she would just go let's go play and

485
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,320
Speaker 1: would try to distract the kids. So now as an adult,

486
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to process his emotions. He doesn't

487
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:19,879
Speaker 1: know how to sit with them. See what I mean

488
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,119
Speaker 1: by there's nothing wrong with his mom. But what he

489
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 1: learned growing up was you self sacrifice for everybody. You

490
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:26,960
Speaker 1: do what I need to do. So when he had

491
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,120
Speaker 1: this girl, everything was how can I make it better?

492
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:30,600
Speaker 1: What can I do to show up for her? Because

493
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,280
Speaker 1: he didn't know how to sit with himself and say, huh,

494
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 1: this doesn't feel good. I don't like it. Because if

495
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,040
Speaker 1: he had said that to one of his parents, he

496
00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:38,919
Speaker 1: was like, I knew that they couldn't handle that emotion.

497
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,240
Speaker 1: You see what I mean by there's nothing that's bad.

498
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,439
Speaker 1: There's no big teas here. But what we want to

499
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,840
Speaker 1: look at is not villainizing our parents, but understanding where

500
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,160
Speaker 1: did I learn this from? So, if you have trust issues,

501
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,520
Speaker 1: where did I learn that I can't trust myself for

502
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,080
Speaker 1: other people? Maybe it is in your twenties, right, Maybe

503
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,240
Speaker 1: you had such a trusting home that your parents didn't

504
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,919
Speaker 1: teach you what to look for. And that doesn't mean

505
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,919
Speaker 1: that they're bad people. What we look at is oh, okay,

506
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,560
Speaker 1: So now how do I support myself and how do

507
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,000
Speaker 1: I take care of myself as an adult? Okay? Well,

508
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,320
Speaker 1: I need to repairent myself and let myself know because

509
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,080
Speaker 1: I'd be curious. You know, you said you have trust issues.

510
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:11,679
Speaker 1: What part don't you trust? Is it them or you?

511
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 2: Well, my picker is definitely off you know, it's a

512
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,040
Speaker 2: little like when I look back on relationships that I

513
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,000
Speaker 2: had in my twenties, I don't look at those dudes

514
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:27,120
Speaker 2: as like bad people. They were dudes in college who

515
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,240
Speaker 2: should be going and getting drunk and fucking whoever they want.

516
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:35,640
Speaker 2: They should be doing that. Right then, when I think

517
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:39,439
Speaker 2: about when my trust issues really really developed, it was

518
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,440
Speaker 2: after my ex and it's been I mean, we're approaching

519
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,360
Speaker 2: four years, like I should be over this and I'm

520
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:50,680
Speaker 2: over what happened, but the aftermath of it on how

521
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,440
Speaker 2: it is so deep rooted and how I go about relationships.

522
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:58,439
Speaker 2: That part. I don't know if it will go away

523
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 2: unless I really really do the work. And that's when

524
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,000
Speaker 2: I felt like it it came up. And you know,

525
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,000
Speaker 2: I was also in the height of my alcoholism when

526
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,080
Speaker 2: I was with my ex. My parents couldn't say anything

527
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 2: because I would have isolated and pushed them away and

528
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:19,399
Speaker 2: done that whole bit. But I realized that I didn't

529
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,160
Speaker 2: trust myself when I was with someone who I thought

530
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:31,919
Speaker 2: was really taking care of me across the board mentally, spiritually, financially.

531
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 2: I was all in with this person, right I wish

532
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,880
Speaker 2: he was a little bit better looking. I sacrificed there,

533
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:41,160
Speaker 2: but the rest outweighed it right, And then you're hit

534
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 2: with all of the things that have been going on

535
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:45,960
Speaker 2: behind your back, and you look in the mirror and

536
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,560
Speaker 2: you go, how the you, stupid bitch, how the fuck

537
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 2: could you not have seen this?

538
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,360
Speaker 1: That is why you're stuck. Yes, that's that is right there,

539
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,359
Speaker 1: because what happened when you said earlier, I didn't want

540
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,119
Speaker 1: to interrupt you. I should be over this. Oh, so

541
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,840
Speaker 1: we're shaming ourselves. So you're blaming your sit, shaming yourself

542
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,879
Speaker 1: for not knowing better. But yet what I also hear

543
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,800
Speaker 1: is you grew up in such a beautiful household, right,

544
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,880
Speaker 1: and you're so what a beautiful blessing, What a beautiful

545
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: blessing to two parents that out their shit?

546
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:09,520
Speaker 2: Right?

547
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,160
Speaker 1: Everybody has their things. What to know that you could

548
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,120
Speaker 1: trust somebody, that you could rely on someone, But that's

549
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,400
Speaker 1: also maybe a double edged sword, because then you blindly

550
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: went into something trusting someone thinking that, well, like I

551
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,840
Speaker 1: can trust them, I can trust you. And then what

552
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,400
Speaker 1: happened was you got blindsided. Yeah, you got your ass

553
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 1: handed to you for whatever the specifics of it happened.

554
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,840
Speaker 1: And so now what do I hear is that we're

555
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: attacking yourself for not having known any better. But you

556
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 1: didn't know what to look for, So how could you

557
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:34,159
Speaker 1: have known anything?

558
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:34,440
Speaker 2: Right?

559
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 1: And so now I actually want to be able to

560
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,359
Speaker 1: move on from this and like really let yourself free,

561
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,280
Speaker 1: acknowledge the pain that you went through and allow it.

562
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: No should get rid of should I went through something

563
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 1: really traumatizing. I went through something traumatic. I don't trust

564
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,720
Speaker 1: other people because I'm still learning how to listen to

565
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,040
Speaker 1: my voice. And that's okay, Yeah, you're a human who

566
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 1: taught you how to deal with this.

567
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,639
Speaker 2: Right, And even my mom beats herself up because she's like,

568
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 2: I SHO should have I'm not gonna cry on this podcast,

569
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 2: It's okay, Yeah I should have protected you more. And

570
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,000
Speaker 2: she was like, I'm from you, tat I didn't know

571
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,760
Speaker 2: people like this existed right there.

572
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,679
Speaker 1: And so maybe we can let that little girl know

573
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,919
Speaker 1: that's like right now, hurting and feeling and trying to

574
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,879
Speaker 1: experience all of these different things that your mom that

575
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 1: should see where you learn that from like I should

576
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,080
Speaker 1: I should? I should you take the pressure that you

577
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 1: didn't know? Yeah, but maybe we can let that little

578
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 1: girl know that, Yeah, you're right, nobody did teach you

579
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: that and they were totally fucked over. And that's really

580
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:42,200
Speaker 1: really painful. But guess what, we don't need mom and

581
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 1: dad to protect you. We don't know what anybody. She

582
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,879
Speaker 1: needs you. Yeah, she needs you to tell her, Am

583
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: I okay? Am I a good girl? Or did I

584
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,120
Speaker 1: fuck up even more?

585
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 2: Yeah?

586
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,359
Speaker 1: And if you let her know, like I see you

587
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: and I hear you, you were struggling too. You didn't

588
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 1: know And I'm so sorry you thought you needed to

589
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,920
Speaker 1: keep me safe by doing what we've always done, which

590
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 1: is blindly trust people. Because in our childhood we were

591
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,280
Speaker 1: able to do that. Yeah, unfortunately our adult life or not.

592
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,200
Speaker 2: No, not at all.

593
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:05,360
Speaker 1: And that's not because now when you go out and date,

594
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:06,919
Speaker 1: which I'll be by your side now through it out

595
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,080
Speaker 1: and I won't give you my phone number.

596
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 2: I love that.

597
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 1: Now when you go out and date, it's less about

598
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,239
Speaker 1: are they gonna fuck me over? Are they gonna hurt me? No? No, no,

599
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 1: no no. Do I trust myself that I'll be okay

600
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,639
Speaker 1: no matter what? And do I trust that I'll be

601
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: able to discern if they do pull the wool over

602
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,640
Speaker 1: my eyes? Yeah, cause you're gonna Beatchmo's we live in LA.

603
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,879
Speaker 2: I know is a whole another layer. I mean, I

604
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,360
Speaker 2: can't it's I have spoken to people who don't live

605
00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:31,639
Speaker 2: here and they're like, it is wild out there. You

606
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 2: add Los Angeles, it is a completely different layer. Would

607
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,480
Speaker 2: you say that LA is one of the hardest cities

608
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 2: to date?

609
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,000
Speaker 1: In for sure La and New York. It vacillates between

610
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 1: the two. New York was just voted by like I

611
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 1: want of the actual worst city, but I would say

612
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 1: it's six of one. I think both of them are

613
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,199
Speaker 1: equally as terrible. But then again, I have friends when

614
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 1: I was in San Diego terrible luck. I think major

615
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 1: cities when we think about what attracts people to a

616
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: major city opportunity, you know, big, new shiny, and there's

617
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: a lot. I mean, this is the land of Peter Hands,

618
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,120
Speaker 1: this is the land of I'm forty five and I'm

619
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 1: still figuring my things out. It's like, this is the

620
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: land of open to short term or open to long term,

621
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: but for for short and you're like, Yo, what the

622
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 1: fuck are we doing here, dude? Right, So we have

623
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,399
Speaker 1: to know that. But with that comes like you exist

624
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: to they good people exist, and I know that there

625
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,000
Speaker 1: is somebody out there waiting for Lalla, waiting for you

626
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: to be the person that they have dinner with. You

627
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:21,400
Speaker 1: just haven't met them yet.

628
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:28,200
Speaker 2: When I talk to people about dating, they're like, well,

629
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,360
Speaker 2: you know, where are you going to meet people? Maybe

630
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 2: it's where you're going. I'm like, I don't really leave

631
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 2: my house. They're like, well, then how would you meet someone?

632
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:36,920
Speaker 1: Fair question.

633
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,440
Speaker 2: I'm like, they're supposed to fall in my lap?

634
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 1: Duhh? I would actually offline, I will talk to you

635
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,360
Speaker 1: because I have somebody for you. So anyways, but that's

636
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,400
Speaker 1: also it is like, how can you put yourself into

637
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,239
Speaker 1: communities with people that you trust that then will then

638
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,720
Speaker 1: have people for you because there's no guarantee. But I

639
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,240
Speaker 1: would know. I would never put my neck out and

640
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,359
Speaker 1: introduce you to somebody that would ever hurt you. I wouldn't.

641
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,160
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do it. So now it's really about again,

642
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,200
Speaker 1: is it really about I don't trust them? Good, don't

643
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,400
Speaker 1: fucking trust them? As an why would you? I would

644
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: never suggest dressing people off the bat, But what I

645
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: would suggest is if I'm going to project how I

646
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 1: feel about myself onto these people, then I can't be

647
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,399
Speaker 1: surprised if it doesn't work. But if you find a pattern,

648
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: if you keep dating this same type of fucking people,

649
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: we have to look at what's the common denominator. It's

650
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 1: not that you are the problem, but maybe it's the behavior.

651
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 1: Maybe it's what you're allowing, and maybe it's what you're

652
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 1: excusing that ends up at right. We don't know. We

653
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: don't know, but we got to look into that.

654
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,639
Speaker 2: I do know that the list of dudes like I

655
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 2: told you that have come after have not been the

656
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 2: healthiest of humans, and so full transparency, I have not

657
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 2: been intimate with a man maybe by the time this airs,

658
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 2: but I haven't been intimate with a man since March

659
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 2: of twenty twenty three. Okay, but I got pregnant, I

660
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:56,840
Speaker 2: was said, minor copy e iuy. So I keep looking

661
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 2: at these markers of like, Okay, well, you haven't been

662
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 2: intimate with a man, and then you got pregnant, so

663
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,400
Speaker 2: that's why there was a lull, and now you're eight

664
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 2: months postpartum, so of course you wouldn't want to sleep

665
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,840
Speaker 2: with anybody. And I'm almost becoming so okay with not

666
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:15,199
Speaker 2: having someone there because I'm so in my routine and

667
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:18,720
Speaker 2: living just like a peaceful life that that part scares

668
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:19,080
Speaker 2: me too.

669
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,119
Speaker 1: Well, like my mama always says, they're an addition to

670
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,679
Speaker 1: non instead of so you're building that life now if

671
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 1: you have a baby, you've got your career, you've got

672
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: your life. You're filling you are filling your cup. And

673
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: that is so fucking beautiful, which means anybody, any shmo

674
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,720
Speaker 1: that comes to you now, has to add to your life.

675
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: My friend always says, i'd like a bank account. Think

676
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 1: of it like that. If they're adding and you're in

677
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 1: the green. Fuck, yeah, let's make some money. Let's go.

678
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 1: We're we're progressing, we're growing. I'm feeling good. But if

679
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,160
Speaker 1: you feel like you're constantly sacrificing and my needs aren't

680
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 1: met and I'm dealing with a child, you're in the red.

681
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: None of us want to live in that business.

682
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 2: None of us want.

683
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,080
Speaker 1: To be feeling like we're depleted. But I would be

684
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 1: curious based on because I mean, take this conversation into

685
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: being a personal one on one. But here we go

686
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: based on the men that you're dating right now, the

687
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 1: patterns of they have been the healthiest, versus what it

688
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 1: is that you want. What's the disconnect?

689
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 2: The disconnect is me, which part my picker, go on,

690
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,640
Speaker 2: go further, saying, your picker, what does that mean? My

691
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 2: picker means I am gravitating towards men who are emotionally unavailable,

692
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:23,920
Speaker 2: who kind of have nothing going on for them. They

693
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 2: kind of look to me as like I have to

694
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 2: be the alpha and everything that I want. It's how

695
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 2: are you ending up with these men because you don't

696
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,200
Speaker 2: want like when you come up with a list, it's

697
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 2: nothing that these men possess. But I know I'm not

698
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 2: the only one that's going oh through this. I feel

699
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 2: like we're all kind of like banging our heads against

700
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 2: a wall. I also, and this could be so far off.

701
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 2: I mean, you would know because you're in this space.

702
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:00,239
Speaker 2: I feel like there are good men out there, but

703
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,320
Speaker 2: there is many more good women than good men.

704
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 1: Oh one hundred percent that I can I can say

705
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 1: a certain deed there's and I'm not going to do this.

706
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 1: It's not like a gender based rule. I'm not like

707
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 1: attacking men. More women are apt to doing work than

708
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:12,120
Speaker 1: there are the men.

709
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:12,480
Speaker 2: Right.

710
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,880
Speaker 1: And it's also say look at the men, it be

711
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,920
Speaker 1: the tough guy, right, women emotional right. But what I

712
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: would say is okay, interesting, picker, What I actually hear is,

713
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 1: so what I want versus what I need? Two different things? Right,

714
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 1: what I want? That's why I hate if you wanted

715
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: to he would it because it's not about want. Life

716
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,120
Speaker 1: is not about want. I want a lot of things,

717
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 1: but this bitch ain't doing it right. But what I

718
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 1: would hear is then I would say what is needed

719
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 1: is like, oh, then you're not setting the boundaries that

720
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,239
Speaker 1: are needed or we're not having the conversations early on

721
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,520
Speaker 1: to assess if they're emotionally available and matching up to

722
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 1: what it is that you want. So then that's where

723
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 1: I would say, that's the disconnect. It's not that your

724
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 1: picker is off. You're going to meet these people, it's

725
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 1: what are you doing with it once you meet them?

726
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 1: What are the conversations we're having, What are the questions

727
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,720
Speaker 1: that we're asking, and what is the information that we're

728
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,160
Speaker 1: receiving and how are we processing that? Because if you're

729
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: seeing their emotionally unavailable, they don't have what I want.

730
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,200
Speaker 1: But yet if I'm still going for them, what does

731
00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: it mean about you if you didn't get them? What

732
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 1: does it mean about you if you do? Especially when

733
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, they're not even what I want, but

734
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,320
Speaker 1: yet here I am going for it. That will hit

735
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 1: your core beliefs even more in your self esteem. Well,

736
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 1: and now I have to get them They ain't shit.

737
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,280
Speaker 1: So if I can't get ain shit, then what does

738
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 1: that say about me?

739
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? The ego and.

740
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,880
Speaker 1: A egos part of us. My friend brit Frank kind

741
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,480
Speaker 1: a book out, has a new book out and she

742
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: talks about the inner critic and she's like, I'm so

743
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,480
Speaker 1: tired of banish the ego. You can't. It's a part

744
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 1: of you that's trying to get rid of a piece.

745
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,280
Speaker 1: What we want to do is learn to understand the

746
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,760
Speaker 1: ego and understand what it's trying to do to protect us,

747
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 1: and not fight it.

748
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 2: That's part. I love that because I have been labeled

749
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:43,640
Speaker 2: pretty egotistical, which whatever, and in sobriety. The whole baseline

750
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 2: is we first have to silence the ego because it

751
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 2: can be the downfall for a lot of things. I

752
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 2: did not subscribe to that because I kind of like

753
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:54,760
Speaker 2: my ego.

754
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,480
Speaker 1: I want to understand your ego. I don't want to

755
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,000
Speaker 1: silence it, Okay, I want to get curious about it.

756
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 1: It's like any of my parts, right, Like when I

757
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,840
Speaker 1: do the how old do I feel? Oh God, I

758
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,959
Speaker 1: feel like even when my partner will trigger me, they'll say, well,

759
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 1: my partner said, no, right, like what's the trigger? Neutral

760
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 1: action or inaction? Not that I said some of the

761
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 1: other day. She's like this guy came and screamed at

762
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 1: me and it triggered me. I was like, no, that's disrespect.

763
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 1: That's not a trigger. That's somebody like in your fucking face.

764
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: I'd bought him too, So trigger neutral action or inaction?

765
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,640
Speaker 1: I said something my partner. I was like, oh, babe,

766
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 1: could we do something and you wouldn't know? And you

767
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: just like walked off, not looking in a rude way.

768
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 1: He's just like, nah, didn't want to, and I full

769
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 1: on like dysregulation. I started sweating, I started hyperventilating, and

770
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:31,960
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I'm saying that. I was like, ah,

771
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: the pinch doesn't match the ouch, and I knew that now.

772
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 1: The old me would have been like, what the fuck

773
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,480
Speaker 1: do you mean enraging him? And it said. What I

774
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,239
Speaker 1: did is I took the pause and I took him

775
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:40,959
Speaker 1: minute to breathe, and it came back and sup, how

776
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: old do you feel? And I was like, why do

777
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 1: I feel? Like I'm seven right now. And I was like, okay,

778
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 1: what happened when I was seven? I was like, dad

779
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 1: feels very dismissive. Like dad like he was very cold. Ah,

780
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 1: that's it, just my dad. His famous thing is you

781
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: could bring him. You could bring him a dissertation, you

782
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: could bring him something that you've worked on for twenty

783
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 1: years and he'll look at it and go and just

784
00:32:57,760 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: walk off. And you're like, I've woooo what the fuck?

785
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 1: So I felt deflated, and so when my partner walked

786
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 1: back in the room, I said, hey, babe, can I

787
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:06,880
Speaker 1: share something with you? And he was like, yeah, what's

788
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:08,720
Speaker 1: going on? And I said, I love you, and please

789
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: know that you didn't do anything wrong. You have every

790
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:11,800
Speaker 1: right to say no to me. When you said that,

791
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:13,240
Speaker 1: I got really triggered, and it made me feel like

792
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 1: a child again. I felt like I was six. Reminded

793
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,720
Speaker 1: me of my dad, because my dad's kind of dick

794
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 1: and would say this moving forward, could you just say

795
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 1: no and maybe just give me a little bit more

796
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: like no, maybe tomorrow. And he stopped and he was like,

797
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:24,920
Speaker 1: oh my god, that makes so much sense. He was

798
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,560
Speaker 1: like I know him, You're right. I have heard He's like, absolutely, babe,

799
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:28,800
Speaker 1: thank you for telling me what you need.

800
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:34,440
Speaker 2: I want that. Eh. It exists and the conversation, Like

801
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:39,160
Speaker 2: every time you listen to a therapist, dating expert, it's

802
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 2: always communication is key, something so simple yet none of

803
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 2: us can conquer it.

804
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,719
Speaker 1: It's communication and comprehension. It's not just communication. I can

805
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: communicate with you, but if you're not comprehending.

806
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 2: What I'm saying, it ain't shit right.

807
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,280
Speaker 1: I'll say this though. Do you know how I got

808
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,040
Speaker 1: this relationship? From day fucking one? I showed up like

809
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: this first date. I even told him after we hooked up,

810
00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:58,920
Speaker 1: I was like, by the way, think you're great and

811
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 1: if you want to have a relationship, I was like,

812
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 1: I'm down. You want to date me?

813
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 2: Fuck?

814
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I said, but do not call me if you

815
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,040
Speaker 1: want a booty call or a hook up. I was like,

816
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:06,080
Speaker 1: I don't do that. Asked him, how'd your last relationship

817
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:07,520
Speaker 1: and and what did it teach you about yourself? What

818
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,600
Speaker 1: does a healthy and secure relationship look like to you?

819
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 1: How do you handle conflict? I was not afraid. I'd

820
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,000
Speaker 1: rather know that and see if he's emotionally available. Did

821
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:18,279
Speaker 1: wards and actions ALIGNE? Okay? He said boundaries, they were appropriate.

822
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 1: I started to gauge and see that over time because

823
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,360
Speaker 1: I am the founder of the goddamn company hiring the

824
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:27,000
Speaker 1: CEO for my my fucking fortune five hundred. You better

825
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:27,880
Speaker 1: believe I'm gonna vet you.

826
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 2: Oh I fucking love you.

827
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:32,160
Speaker 1: So it's about really shifting again. You have choices, you

828
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:35,000
Speaker 1: have control, you have power. You're not over them, no, no, no, no,

829
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 1: over you.

830
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,759
Speaker 2: And I think with what you are saying, it is

831
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 2: it's a little bit of a different dynamic when when

832
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 2: you talk to women and it's always about well, what

833
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 2: did you say me? It's the text that you said.

834
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 2: That's why he's not responding. Ud Oh, don't even get

835
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 2: me started on like the sexy time you have to

836
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,719
Speaker 2: bring a certain thing to the bedroom, or it's so

837
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 2: much pressure on the woman to get the man and

838
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 2: hold on that I'm like, I don't even fucking want

839
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,759
Speaker 2: you bad enough to like be someone that I'm not.

840
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 2: I have real questions. I have a real life to

841
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:16,320
Speaker 2: protect and take care of. I have children. Like you said,

842
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:20,160
Speaker 2: I'm hiring the CEO of my fortune five hundred. I

843
00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:21,799
Speaker 2: need to know what the fuck is up. I'm not

844
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 2: sitting here gonna I'm not gonna spin the wheels on

845
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,240
Speaker 2: if I didn't give you a five second look instead

846
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 2: of three, or I didn't, you know, clap my ass

847
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 2: the way you wanted me to in the bedroom. Like,

848
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 2: it's so much pressure all the fucking time.

849
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 1: You play a game, you're gonna get a player, right,

850
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,759
Speaker 1: like you play the game. I love that you're gonna

851
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 1: get people that are playing that with you. It's the

852
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 1: same with love bombing, right when people like I don't

853
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,920
Speaker 1: get it. I'm so confused, and I get that I

854
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:48,720
Speaker 1: was her, but like, I don't get I'm so confused

855
00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:50,720
Speaker 1: that this guy came on so strong and then completely

856
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,000
Speaker 1: bopped off after. And it's like, because it was what

857
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:54,960
Speaker 1: first of all, when you started a hundred, where the

858
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:55,839
Speaker 1: fuck are you gonna go?

859
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 2: I know you started, everything's amazing. You're gonna let me

860
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,640
Speaker 2: down to that as well? Well, that's because that what

861
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:03,839
Speaker 2: does that mean about you? Right?

862
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,759
Speaker 1: Oh? They finally see me. Look, they finally And that's

863
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:08,400
Speaker 1: because that's when we have to stop and go, oh,

864
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,400
Speaker 1: that's the little girl being like, yay, they like me.

865
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:12,440
Speaker 1: I did a good job. But that's when we have

866
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 1: to be the adult and go, hey, baby girl, actually

867
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,200
Speaker 1: we don't know who the fuck this person is. We're

868
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,120
Speaker 1: not just gonna give it away. I can't just trust

869
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,160
Speaker 1: these people. I got your back, Come over here, I'll

870
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 1: protect us. And then that's when you, the adults show

871
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,319
Speaker 1: up and you're like, all right, so tell me who

872
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 1: the fuck are you?

873
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:26,879
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

874
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 1: I obsessed with all of this because for me, if

875
00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:33,600
Speaker 1: I'm more scared, I was. I was not scared of

876
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 1: losing other people because I was more scared of losing myself.

877
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: Oh and I've already done that. I was in a

878
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,279
Speaker 1: shitty relationship. I married my father like it was. I

879
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,040
Speaker 1: was a shell of a human. I was, if you

880
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,480
Speaker 1: see me now twenty five pounds later, like I was

881
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:47,320
Speaker 1: to the point where people were like, hey, are you okay?

882
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: Couldn't function and I he was just a reminded. He

883
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: wasn't like my dad in the obvious, but how he

884
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,520
Speaker 1: treated me, how I felt. I felt dismissed, I felt small,

885
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: I felt like I just everything I said was stupid.

886
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:00,920
Speaker 1: And if I can turn into this version of me

887
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 1: who has confidence and boundaries and self assurance, who still

888
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,359
Speaker 1: mind you wakes up scared, who still fears that I'm

889
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,799
Speaker 1: gonna lose everything, Like I still have my stuff, but

890
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: if I can turn into this and anybody can fucking

891
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,920
Speaker 1: do it, because it's not about like, oh well I

892
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:16,759
Speaker 1: shoty parents, I have anxious attachment. It's like, no, what

893
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: you gonna do with it? You get a choice?

894
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think made you give your partner Ryan?

895
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:28,160
Speaker 2: When after the first night, when you were like, I'm

896
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,880
Speaker 2: not down, Like, what made you go back for a

897
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,359
Speaker 2: second date? Third date?

898
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,919
Speaker 1: My mom? Your mom, my mom? She had seen because

899
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 1: I was dating too. I was dating him in this

900
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: other guy.

901
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,840
Speaker 2: The other guy was other guy was dating app.

902
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, both of them were dating app. And the other

903
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:47,000
Speaker 1: guy was everything I'd always dated, Like the tall tattooed

904
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 1: it could lick his six pack off with a fucking

905
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:51,480
Speaker 1: any it with a stick. I swear. He was so

906
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:52,799
Speaker 1: good looking. It was like kind of hard to look

907
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: at him.

908
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 2: Were you more into him strictly based off of the

909
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:59,959
Speaker 2: because that in the banter, I've become digmatized. Oh, very fucking,

910
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:01,439
Speaker 2: very fucking quick.

911
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,200
Speaker 1: That's why I had such with Ryan, because that was

912
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:06,200
Speaker 1: that's what happened. He has such a night and it

913
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:08,960
Speaker 1: was great. But with the other guy he was with

914
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 1: the Banter, it was the type of thing and you

915
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,320
Speaker 1: want to go out for a drink and it's like

916
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,480
Speaker 1: six hours later and you're like crying at the table.

917
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 1: You're laughing so much and you're like, Okay, I need

918
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 1: to take a break. My jaw hurts. Yeah, it was.

919
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:18,600
Speaker 2: Two and not from the blow job.

920
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a big distinction, and both are good,

921
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 1: but I it was I had both of them, and

922
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 1: I was Ryan and I had maybe gone on like

923
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:28,520
Speaker 1: four or five dates and me and this other guy

924
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,239
Speaker 1: had gone on like three, so it was very neck

925
00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 1: and neck, and both of them knew I was dating

926
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 1: other people like I did not hide it. I was single,

927
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: and I remember it like because Ryan kept asking me out.

928
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 1: My Mom's like, just go come on, give the guy

929
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,480
Speaker 1: and try. He's a really good guy. He's really trying.

930
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, fine, I'll see what

931
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: it feels like to receive healthy love. And I was

932
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 1: honest with him throughout it of like, hey, I don't

933
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: really know you very well, like I want to go slow,

934
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 1: let's see if we have something here. The other guy

935
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:52,359
Speaker 1: was going through a shit to on of mental health

936
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 1: and I wanted to fix it. And it wasn't until

937
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 1: he came to me and like he told me, he

938
00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 1: was like, I'm having thoughts of taking my life and

939
00:38:58,880 --> 00:38:59,920
Speaker 1: I was like, I need to be honest with you.

940
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't support you through that. I

941
00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:02,719
Speaker 1: don't know how to. I'm like, I don't know you

942
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,759
Speaker 1: well enough. And he decided, He's like, I think I

943
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 1: need to go to therapy and I need to do that.

944
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:08,800
Speaker 1: And that's when I realized, like I need to focus

945
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: on somebody who is not a project I need. And

946
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,400
Speaker 1: it's not again, anyone listening. This is not that I

947
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,920
Speaker 1: abandoned somebody while they're having a mental health issue. This

948
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,719
Speaker 1: is that we have three dates I didn't even have,

949
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:19,640
Speaker 1: like we made out once. I don't know this person

950
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 1: well enough to support him through this type of thing.

951
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,440
Speaker 1: And he didn't want it right. He was very honest

952
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: of like, hey, you don't need to do this, like

953
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,600
Speaker 1: we don't know each other well enough. And I had

954
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: to make a determination in that moment that I have

955
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:31,799
Speaker 1: to go with somebody that could be there for me

956
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:34,319
Speaker 1: now and not hoping on the future. And the other

957
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,040
Speaker 1: guy has messaged me recently and he was like, by

958
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: the way, I want to thank you, and he was like,

959
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,160
Speaker 1: you really convinced me to go get help.

960
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 2: Wow.

961
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 1: And I finally actually like feel like I'm in my

962
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,320
Speaker 1: own body and feel good. And I was like, fuck, yeah, man.

963
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 2: Wow, get it. It was like that you were I

964
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 2: don't know if you believe in the universe, but it's

965
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:52,000
Speaker 2: that you guys came into each other's lives for that purpose, and.

966
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 1: I believe in that. And that's how I was able

967
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 1: to let him go. And for a while I fought

968
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:56,520
Speaker 1: myself on it. I was like, man, but a kid

969
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 1: stopped thinking of him, and until'd be with Ryan, I'm like,

970
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: you're such a dick. Why are you doing this, stupid brain?

971
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: And then I stopped one day and I was like,

972
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,439
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try something instead of stopping, instead of trying

973
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: to tell myself, God, stop thinking about it, get over it,

974
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,840
Speaker 1: move on. I mean a lot. Okay, So when I

975
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,479
Speaker 1: think about him midbook, okay, yeah, he was really cool,

976
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,080
Speaker 1: and like I just I allowed it because here's a

977
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 1: fun science. Joe Bolt Taylor's and neuroscientists came out that

978
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:23,360
Speaker 1: it takes ninety seconds for an emotion to run its course,

979
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 1: So ninety seconds if you right now got angry, and

980
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 1: I said, sit with it for ninety seconds, the emotion

981
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 1: would be able to pass.

982
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:31,840
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm using my timer on my phone.

983
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 1: So the reason I say thank you, The reason that

984
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 1: you want to use your timer is because what happens

985
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: is when you put it on, when you're in one

986
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 1: part of your brain, when the timer goes off, it

987
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,240
Speaker 1: automatically turns your prefrontal cortex onto focus, so you break

988
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:45,399
Speaker 1: the loop of what you were just.

989
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,000
Speaker 2: On the loop.

990
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: So my tip is put your phone for three minutes. Okay,

991
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,000
Speaker 1: sit your ass down and just sit with the emotion.

992
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,600
Speaker 1: And what does that mean? I said, I'm sad right now? Okay,

993
00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: there's no narrative right anytime? Is why am I said?

994
00:40:57,480 --> 00:40:57,600
Speaker 2: No?

995
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,040
Speaker 1: No, no, I didn't ask you why I'm sad. I

996
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:01,400
Speaker 1: want to sit with I'm sad. I allow it. I

997
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:02,880
Speaker 1: sit with it. And then if it's where do I

998
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 1: feel that in my body?

999
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:03,680
Speaker 2: Oh?

1000
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 1: I feel that in my chest?

1001
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:04,759
Speaker 2: Okay?

1002
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,239
Speaker 1: What does it feel like? God, it feels like a

1003
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:06,759
Speaker 1: swarm of bees?

1004
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:06,840
Speaker 2: Oh?

1005
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:07,919
Speaker 1: Are they moving fast or slow?

1006
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:08,200
Speaker 2: Right?

1007
00:41:08,239 --> 00:41:11,839
Speaker 1: I sit with the emotion? Oh, they're really fast right now? Okay?

1008
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: Can I breathe into them? Three minutes? Three minutes such

1009
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,560
Speaker 1: o'clock for three minutes clock goes off. I will put

1010
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:19,600
Speaker 1: all of the money I made this year good amount

1011
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:21,400
Speaker 1: that at the end of it, you'll go, oh, it

1012
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,280
Speaker 1: doesn't feel as intense.

1013
00:41:22,719 --> 00:41:27,680
Speaker 2: Wow, I am so implementing that into my hourly life.

1014
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 1: Try it, Try it, I swear is the type of

1015
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,760
Speaker 1: thing when you feel it, allow yourself to process the emotion,

1016
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:34,359
Speaker 1: and then after then you can start to say, Okay,

1017
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:35,719
Speaker 1: well came up for me? Where did I feel? How

1018
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 1: old did I feel? What was coming up? Where did

1019
00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:39,760
Speaker 1: I go? Then you can start to understand the narrative.

1020
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,200
Speaker 1: The story I created is right, he didn't text me.

1021
00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 1: I had a panic attack. There's a lot of space

1022
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,480
Speaker 1: in between that. What's the story that I created? He

1023
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:47,920
Speaker 1: didn't text me because he isn't like me. Okay, I

1024
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: don't have any facts to back that up. No, I'm

1025
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,719
Speaker 1: feeling insecure right now. Okay, that's really what this is,

1026
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 1: and hoping that he can validate me.

1027
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:59,480
Speaker 2: But how do you feel about the the whole? Like

1028
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 2: when I watched he's just not that into you. I

1029
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 2: was very young when that came out. It's not very young,

1030
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,800
Speaker 2: but I wasn't. I certainly wasn't out here trying to find.

1031
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:10,239
Speaker 1: My life partner. We're the same age, so the same

1032
00:42:10,719 --> 00:42:11,319
Speaker 1: and I was.

1033
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 2: I loved it because all the conversations that you have

1034
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 2: with girlfriends, it just like it was perfectly presented right

1035
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:20,960
Speaker 2: where it's like, we don't need to sit here for

1036
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,200
Speaker 2: hours and figure out what this text means, or the

1037
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 2: lack of text, what that means. He doesn't he's not

1038
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 2: fucking into you. How do you get your like, how

1039
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:37,759
Speaker 2: do you get your brain to just go okay, we're

1040
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:41,279
Speaker 2: good with that and we're moving on rather than obsessing

1041
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,200
Speaker 2: over Maybe it was the way that I did this.

1042
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:45,960
Speaker 2: Maybe he didn't like the way that I slept. You

1043
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 2: go down that path of you did something wrong.

1044
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,320
Speaker 1: Because that's your core belief, same with me. When you

1045
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,319
Speaker 1: go down that path, what happens is your prefrontal core

1046
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:55,520
Speaker 1: text the front part of your brain, and then we

1047
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:57,680
Speaker 1: have the amygdala super far from each other, which is

1048
00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:00,319
Speaker 1: the bullshit. What happens is when you get ysregularly, so

1049
00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:02,880
Speaker 1: the text didn't come through right, your body sees panic.

1050
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 1: Now there's no tiger, there's no bear, there's a cell phone,

1051
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 1: same thing. But our brains are just not We're not

1052
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,759
Speaker 1: wired for this shit. And or I'll at least to

1053
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:14,279
Speaker 1: be able to handle all the technology. And so when

1054
00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: you're in your front prefrontal cortex, and that's decision making

1055
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,080
Speaker 1: common sense. So that's where we can logically go, you

1056
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 1: know what, maybe this isn't for me, and right, we

1057
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 1: can sit there and talk. When you're a migdala comes

1058
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 1: on and your prefrontal cortex shots off, you get disregulated,

1059
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,240
Speaker 1: you go back to being six because your amgdala stopped

1060
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 1: growing at six, and it's the fear center, and that's

1061
00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 1: what holds on to emotions and fear. So that's why

1062
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,959
Speaker 1: you're like, God, I feel like I'm gonna I feel

1063
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 1: like my heart's gonna come out of my chest. Your

1064
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:40,319
Speaker 1: body cannot differentiate physical from emotional pain. It feels the same,

1065
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:42,200
Speaker 1: so it triggers the same response of she needs to

1066
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:45,120
Speaker 1: be safe. So what we want to do is turn

1067
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,680
Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex back on. Okay, and so that is

1068
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:50,319
Speaker 1: regulating your nervous system. That could be okay. I'm like

1069
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:52,759
Speaker 1: for me, I know I'm disregulated because I have certain

1070
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 1: body sensations. My shoulders tense up, my jaw starts to tighten,

1071
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,439
Speaker 1: I start to sweat, I get this wave of heat.

1072
00:43:57,680 --> 00:43:59,680
Speaker 1: I already know I'm not in my frontal brain, so

1073
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: I'm I might maybe just sit up straight, take a

1074
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 1: deep breath if I have too much energy, like I

1075
00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:06,640
Speaker 1: feel like I'm gonna fucking go crazy, Like I had

1076
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 1: a troll that said something mean to me on the

1077
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:10,759
Speaker 1: internet ones I fought it. I literally punched the air

1078
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:13,120
Speaker 1: for like a minute. I was like, okay, all right,

1079
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:14,959
Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm safe. You have to tell you because

1080
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: your body doesn't know what to do with that energy.

1081
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 1: And if you were in the jungle, it would run,

1082
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:21,040
Speaker 1: you would keep yourself safe. But unfortunately you're sitting at

1083
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 1: home with some show that didn't answer you. How are

1084
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:25,160
Speaker 1: we going to do that? Maybe that means going for

1085
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: a quick walk, bilateral movements and being able to use

1086
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:29,959
Speaker 1: both sort like you know, your feet moving and using

1087
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:32,239
Speaker 1: your five four, three, two one five things. I can see,

1088
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:34,200
Speaker 1: four things, I can touch, three things, I can write.

1089
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,880
Speaker 1: There's different tools, yes, that we can tap into. But

1090
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 1: I will tell a quick story for all of my

1091
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,240
Speaker 1: girls that want to sit here and talk about texting.

1092
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 1: I was the school of thought. I if he doesn't

1093
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,360
Speaker 1: text you every day, isn't like you? That was I

1094
00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:47,360
Speaker 1: wrote the book on that I was like, no, no, no,

1095
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:48,799
Speaker 1: I'm telling you. If you go on a date, Andy

1096
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,480
Speaker 1: text you after he's into you, and if he doesn't,

1097
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 1: that means doesn't like you. Black and white thinking ok

1098
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:56,520
Speaker 1: good bad. And the guy right before Ryan text me

1099
00:44:56,520 --> 00:44:58,320
Speaker 1: every day. We'd keep little nicknames in each other and

1100
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:01,360
Speaker 1: our phone like we were doing that wildly emotionally unavailable.

1101
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 1: And when I met Ryan, not a big text and

1102
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:04,919
Speaker 1: he was honest. He was like, I'm not doing this shit.

1103
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 1: And I was like, eh, now I'll change that. Yeah, No,

1104
00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 1: I didn't. Was he a caller ish, so like we'd

1105
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:12,640
Speaker 1: go like two days, wouldn't hear from him. But we

1106
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,320
Speaker 1: always had plans, consistently had plans like after when we

1107
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 1: hooked up and I left the next morning, or I

1108
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:18,520
Speaker 1: left that night, sorry the next morning. I didn't hear

1109
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,640
Speaker 1: from him the night we barted ways and I that

1110
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 1: was it, Like we just didn't talk. And so I

1111
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:25,400
Speaker 1: woke up and I was like, this guy's not let

1112
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,520
Speaker 1: into me. And so later in the day when he

1113
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,520
Speaker 1: text and he said, you know, blah blah, I'm put

1114
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 1: my phone down, but are you free Friday? And I

1115
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:34,120
Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, okay, that sounds good. Fine, That

1116
00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:35,759
Speaker 1: was how we dated. It would be make a plan

1117
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:37,279
Speaker 1: and then he'd build up. Maybe a day or two

1118
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:38,880
Speaker 1: would go by, he would confirm the day hate I

1119
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,600
Speaker 1: can't wait to see you Friday. But that was it,

1120
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: maybe like a month into dating. Every date I saw

1121
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:46,080
Speaker 1: it as first date to see if I want a second, second,

1122
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,279
Speaker 1: just to see if I want to have a third.

1123
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:48,400
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to see if this is the love

1124
00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 1: of my life. I just want to see if I

1125
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,960
Speaker 1: want to see this person again. And I text him

1126
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:53,719
Speaker 1: and he was said like, hey, you know, how's your day?

1127
00:45:53,719 --> 00:45:54,200
Speaker 1: Blah blah.

1128
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:54,920
Speaker 2: I txt him. I was like good.

1129
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:56,319
Speaker 1: I said, you know, hey, Can I be honest, I'd

1130
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,160
Speaker 1: love more texting in between our dates to feel more

1131
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:01,080
Speaker 1: connected to you. Are you open to that? And he wrote,

1132
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,720
Speaker 1: I'm going to quickly say no, but let me explain.

1133
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:05,359
Speaker 1: And he said, I werek in tech and I stare

1134
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:06,759
Speaker 1: at a screen for nine to ten hours a day.

1135
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: The last thing I want to do when I'm done

1136
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,080
Speaker 1: with that is take out a mini screen and stare

1137
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:11,880
Speaker 1: in my hand, try to build a connection with somebody

1138
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:13,360
Speaker 1: when I want to be present with my dog and

1139
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: my friends. If you're open to it, I'd love to

1140
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,840
Speaker 1: schedule consistent dates with you. I'm happy to call you

1141
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:19,719
Speaker 1: or do a FaceTime, but I'm telling you right now

1142
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 1: I'm not engaging in this texting bullshit. Let me know

1143
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,520
Speaker 1: if that works for you, and if not, I completely

1144
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:26,520
Speaker 1: respect her to say what fuck? And I was like

1145
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 1: a panty's dropped. I was like fuck yeah, man. I

1146
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,319
Speaker 1: was like, that is because that's what I meant. It's

1147
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:34,279
Speaker 1: not that I was scared to approach him. No, no, no no.

1148
00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:35,879
Speaker 1: And he said he's like, I've had women that.

1149
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,200
Speaker 2: Are like fuck yeah, blah blah.

1150
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 1: And he's like, okay, cool, no worries, like this doesn't

1151
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,680
Speaker 1: work for you. But when he set that boundary of

1152
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: here's what I'm comfortable with. And to this day, he

1153
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,440
Speaker 1: will never listen to a voice note. He thinks I'm

1154
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,839
Speaker 1: being rude if I send one, will not We'll not

1155
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:51,600
Speaker 1: do it. Won't do it. He thinks I'm fucking attacking him.

1156
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:54,280
Speaker 1: If I call him, it's oh god. He hates his phone,

1157
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:55,680
Speaker 1: he hates being on it.

1158
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:58,160
Speaker 2: I relate to that. Why yeah, yeah, yeah.

1159
00:46:58,000 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: But you see what I mean. I would have ended

1160
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 1: it with him the first date. If I was like,

1161
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:04,040
Speaker 1: fuck this guy, he didn't text me. It's not about

1162
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:06,439
Speaker 1: the text, it's what the text signifies. Let me guess

1163
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 1: the narrative I've created. He didn't text me. What does

1164
00:47:08,520 --> 00:47:09,759
Speaker 1: that mean? That doesn't like me?

1165
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 2: Uh? Every dude that has texted me every single day

1166
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 2: has been such a fucking letdown.

1167
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 1: Because it's a false sense of intimacy.

1168
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,839
Speaker 2: There also, get a fucking job, get a life. How

1169
00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:23,680
Speaker 2: do you have so much time to text me.

1170
00:47:23,719 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: Good morning beautiful? That could be automated? Hey, to break it?

1171
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,680
Speaker 1: Do you? I had wondered, I'll never forget. I wonder

1172
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,680
Speaker 1: I was sleeping with and he texts a girl fucking

1173
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:32,000
Speaker 1: next to me good morning, And I was like, you

1174
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:33,879
Speaker 1: were aging piece of shit, But kudo's good for you.

1175
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:35,839
Speaker 1: Keep that girl on because you're not coming back here.

1176
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, you met her? Cure on because I'm never

1177
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:38,839
Speaker 2: coming back.

1178
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,080
Speaker 1: That's it, it can be. It's and again I have

1179
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 1: talked to him plenty of dudes. I met the guy

1180
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,680
Speaker 1: I did before Ryan. I asked him, I said, why

1181
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:46,840
Speaker 1: were you so like? What was it about like texting

1182
00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:48,319
Speaker 1: me every day? And he looked at me straight in

1183
00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:49,480
Speaker 1: the eyes and goes, do you not think that I

1184
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:52,480
Speaker 1: know what a woman wants? And I was like, that

1185
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: is so true.

1186
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,719
Speaker 2: They all know we're so fucking I'm sorry, but are

1187
00:47:56,719 --> 00:47:57,280
Speaker 2: they stupid?

1188
00:47:57,280 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 1: Like they're not dumb. They're like, oh, girl wants me

1189
00:47:58,920 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 1: to text her every day, and it's like, not every

1190
00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:02,120
Speaker 1: guy's gonna do that. Like there are men like Ryan

1191
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:03,640
Speaker 1: that are like, I'm not doing this. I'm gonna stay

1192
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:06,360
Speaker 1: true to myself. The reason we're in the relationship we

1193
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:08,360
Speaker 1: have right now, the reason we have these hard conversations

1194
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:11,040
Speaker 1: we always have. I was not afraid to lose him.

1195
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 1: I was more afraid to lose myself.

1196
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:18,200
Speaker 2: I'm taking that with me because I have lost myself

1197
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:22,880
Speaker 2: and I feel for like, when we're talking about dating

1198
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:25,400
Speaker 2: and being out there in that capacity and being intimate

1199
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 2: with the opposite sex, for me, it immediately takes me

1200
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,759
Speaker 2: to a place that I don't trust you. I don't

1201
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:37,239
Speaker 2: trust you yet. But if we're talking about just my

1202
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:44,960
Speaker 2: everyday life, I am fulfilled and present and I feel

1203
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 2: like we've done it. You know, someone said to me

1204
00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:51,880
Speaker 2: the other day, like, are you dating? And I said,

1205
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:54,880
Speaker 2: not right now. I'm just not open to it. I

1206
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:58,359
Speaker 2: have kids. You know you should do it now because

1207
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 2: your kids aren't gonna remember that you went on a date.

1208
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,440
Speaker 2: I said, but I'll remember that I left them, Like,

1209
00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:06,120
Speaker 2: I know they're sleeping, but I want to know that

1210
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,040
Speaker 2: I'm here with them. She says, I know, but you

1211
00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:10,520
Speaker 2: need to be happy too, And I'm like, but I.

1212
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:11,439
Speaker 1: Am who said I wasn't.

1213
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 2: We're there, so why go chase something. Although I'm open

1214
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 2: to it, I'm not saying that I'm not going to

1215
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 2: be out there because we're there. I'm happy. I love companionship,

1216
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,839
Speaker 2: I love I'm not the type of person that needs

1217
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 2: to go and sleep with a lot of different men.

1218
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:33,640
Speaker 2: I want to show up and choose you every single day,

1219
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,480
Speaker 2: and you're one hundred percent, I'm one hundred percent. We're

1220
00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:40,800
Speaker 2: equally two hundred percent. I know that I will find

1221
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:43,560
Speaker 2: that one day. I think it's getting back on the

1222
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:45,640
Speaker 2: horse that is the most terrifying. It's like working out.

1223
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 2: You haven't worked out for a really long time, and

1224
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,600
Speaker 2: the thought of it is terrifying, and then you do

1225
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:52,640
Speaker 2: it and you're like, oh my god, I'm doing it again,

1226
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 2: and then it just becomes normal.

1227
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:57,680
Speaker 1: And also do because when you're single, you're not being triggered.

1228
00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:01,200
Speaker 1: Nothing will trigger you, like to dynamics. Even if you

1229
00:50:01,239 --> 00:50:03,640
Speaker 1: had a great childhood. Like a romantic relationship with friends,

1230
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 1: you get to leave right you're not with them all

1231
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:07,840
Speaker 1: the time. Yes, there's no one that sees every nook

1232
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:10,600
Speaker 1: and cranny like a romantic relationship. So that's why we

1233
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:12,719
Speaker 1: feel like it's easier stay single. It's like, no, you're

1234
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:16,160
Speaker 1: not growing. I look at triggers as a challenge accepted.

1235
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: When I get triggered, I'm not like that's it. I

1236
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:21,080
Speaker 1: mean I wanted to. But instead what I look at

1237
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:22,440
Speaker 1: is like, how can I evolve and grow from this?

1238
00:50:22,719 --> 00:50:24,840
Speaker 1: So as you're dating, once you get back on the horse,

1239
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,880
Speaker 1: like working out, I hate it. Nobody wants to go

1240
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:29,880
Speaker 1: sit there and do hip thrust. They fucking suck. But

1241
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:32,400
Speaker 1: when that peach is juicy after, it's worth the squeeze.

1242
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:33,040
Speaker 2: Oh worth it.

1243
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,279
Speaker 1: It's so worth it. It's the same with dating, and

1244
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:36,799
Speaker 1: that's where we have to look and say, Okay, what

1245
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 1: are my boundaries right? What am I willing and not willing?

1246
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 1: So if I go in, what are my non negotiables?

1247
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:42,440
Speaker 1: My non negotiables we need to be. You need to

1248
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:44,200
Speaker 1: be over your ex. I'm not dealing with this bullshit.

1249
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:47,040
Speaker 1: My other non negotiable like I'm not your friend. Yes,

1250
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:48,840
Speaker 1: I am your partner. I'm your friend, but I'm not

1251
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,360
Speaker 1: your friend in the sense where I'm like, hey, buddy,

1252
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,360
Speaker 1: old pal, Like it's okay, No, I'm not going to

1253
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:54,480
Speaker 1: leave you for three four weeks and then come back.

1254
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm your partner, I'm your equal. Treat me

1255
00:50:56,800 --> 00:51:00,399
Speaker 1: as such, okay. Consistency. Consistency doesn't mean that you text

1256
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:02,080
Speaker 1: me every day at the same time. Are words and

1257
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:03,880
Speaker 1: actions aligning? If I say I'm gonna call you, do

1258
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:05,560
Speaker 1: you call? If I say I'll see you Friday, do

1259
00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:07,960
Speaker 1: I see you Friday? Or do you cancel a reschedule? Accordingly?

1260
00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:11,760
Speaker 1: Do I trust? Because consistency breeds reliability, which breeds trust.

1261
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:14,480
Speaker 1: That's how you'll start to trust peoples when they're consistent

1262
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,759
Speaker 1: with you. Are they reciprocal? I'm serving and you're serving it?

1263
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 2: Right?

1264
00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:19,560
Speaker 1: I text you, you text me you're bad. It's not

1265
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:21,719
Speaker 1: me fucking serving the ball a thousand times to get

1266
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:25,040
Speaker 1: your attention or vice versa. How are we showing up?

1267
00:51:25,080 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 1: What boundaries do I have in place to protect myself?

1268
00:51:27,200 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 1: Because it's about me taking care of me. No one

1269
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:31,239
Speaker 1: is going to show up for me like I will, right,

1270
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:33,399
Speaker 1: and no one is going to protect you like you will.

1271
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:34,880
Speaker 2: I get a way for you to hook me up

1272
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:39,279
Speaker 2: with someone me too, And you're a fucking badass. I

1273
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,800
Speaker 2: like your approach to dating, and I like your approach

1274
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:46,080
Speaker 2: because I feel like it's very now. I've spoken to

1275
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:49,879
Speaker 2: dating experts, but I feel like it's very antiquated.

1276
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:53,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't wait three dates to text and don't you

1277
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:55,800
Speaker 1: said girls one the coach on TikTok that says don't sleepless,

1278
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,480
Speaker 1: don't kiss someone for three fucking months.

1279
00:51:57,640 --> 00:52:01,560
Speaker 2: I've seen all of these because it actually is taking

1280
00:52:01,560 --> 00:52:04,600
Speaker 2: me back to what you said playing the game and

1281
00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:07,239
Speaker 2: you're going to attract a player, which is literally I

1282
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:11,120
Speaker 2: have been there, I've done that. Like I'm a thirty

1283
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,319
Speaker 2: almost five year old woman like you will hear me

1284
00:52:14,440 --> 00:52:17,160
Speaker 2: roar right time for that. I don't have time for it.

1285
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:19,680
Speaker 2: And so you and I offline are going to connect

1286
00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:21,839
Speaker 2: because I have a good feeling about this. Yeah, thank

1287
00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:23,719
Speaker 2: you so much for being on my podcast. Thank you

1288
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:25,400
Speaker 2: for having me you guys, thank you so much for

1289
00:52:25,440 --> 00:52:28,080
Speaker 2: listening to another episode of the Give Them La La Podcast.

1290
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:30,120
Speaker 2: Where can we find You Sabrina.

1291
00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:33,560
Speaker 1: Sabrina dot Zohar. TikTok still exists, and The Zoar Show

1292
00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:36,759
Speaker 1: on Instagram and YouTube and the Spotify Apple if you

1293
00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:38,319
Speaker 1: wanted to hear me talk to a camera for thirty

1294
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:39,920
Speaker 1: five minutes. I give a lot of tough love.

1295
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 2: We do, Yeah, we do. I can tell you that

1296
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:44,040
Speaker 2: right now. Thank you, guys. I will catch you guys

1297
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:46,760
Speaker 2: on Monday for a bonus and Wednesday for a regular

1298
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,759
Speaker 2: old episode. Bye.