WEBVTT - A Healthy Way to Fight. 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:06.400 Wind Down with Jane Kraler and Michael Coughlin and What's 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:11.360 Up Gang, Happy Monday, Happy Monday to everybody. Got Easton 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:18.200 and Mark in the studio, Hi popping, popping lights, al 0:00:18.239 --> 0:00:21.759 bottles up in their hand sanitizer, Clorox wipes, We got 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:25.239 it everywhere, just going up. We're just talking off air. 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:27.960 We're comparing the people at lightsol like they're partying, like 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:30.520 it's Wolf of Wall Street over there. Just those guys 0:00:30.560 --> 0:00:34.960 going nuts because so serious, they're so nervous and so 0:00:35.040 --> 0:00:36.919 anxious about this whole thing. But the people who make 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.600 hand sanitized it must be having a party right now. Bonus, 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:42.360 it's for everybody. Oh yeah, everybody gets some. Oh yeah. 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:45.680 I honestly though, I was talking to my trainer and 0:00:45.720 --> 0:00:49.400 her husband trains a doctor at Vanderbilt, and he was saying, 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:52.680 like his wife had it, but she was totally fine. 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:55.880 And then you know, people don't even realize they have it, 0:00:55.960 --> 0:00:58.320 but they do have it, and but it's fine. But 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:00.000 then I think what worries me is just the old 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:03.120 their people for sure. But but then I saw one 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:05.399 this morning and guy was forty eight years old and 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:07.360 nearly died. He said he was like he was inches 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:09.319 from death and I'm forty eight years old, So I 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:11.360 guess you just don't know how it's going to hit you. 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:14.600 Is that how it is? How did you know him? 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:16.840 How do you know? No? No, I saw some something 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:18.520 on social media just pops up about they did an 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:21.960 interview with him. That's so scary. Yeah, it's just I 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:26.520 guess it just depends. But um, well, when everyone's listening 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:27.959 to this, we're not there right now, but we'll be 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:33.000 in Canada when this comes out next week. So um 0:01:33.280 --> 0:01:35.480 but I'm not like, I'm not too worried about it, 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:37.840 and I do what wipe the seats with? You know, 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.040 when we did our wind down tour, we were wet 0:01:40.040 --> 0:01:43.039 wiping everything and which, by the way, Easton are the 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:46.240 dates got moved? Did you hear? I saw that. I 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:48.480 saw it and I with a single tear rolled down 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.520 my cheek and then I changed my calendar and my phone. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:55.640 The dates for Californian Sacramento are being moved to May. 0:01:55.760 --> 0:01:59.320 So yeah, so hopefully people can still know that's a 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:03.120 that's at the Yeah, May thirty in Los Angeles Saturday 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:07.880 and May one Sunday with a Sacramento. I just have 0:02:07.960 --> 0:02:10.120 to double check because you just never know, you know, 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:12.160 and we're hoping everything is going to be better by 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.960 that is that the idea, We're just going to keep going. Well, 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:17.800 it got canceled because I'm doing a movie up in Canada, 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:23.919 so that's why I got rescheduled. But yeah, I mean hopefully, 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:27.799 I mean, are people canceling things? So, I mean I 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:31.919 heard stagecoaches maybe gonna get you rescheduled. That's done, that's 0:02:31.919 --> 0:02:35.400 going to October. Coachella is going to October moved Like 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.519 I don't because that's that. I feel sad for people's 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:41.880 you know, everyone's jobs and everyone happening. But at least 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:45.040 those things are getting moved. Sporting events might be being 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:48.079 played with like no fans, like March madness, like college basketball, 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:50.200 same with a c m S. They might have no audience. 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:54.600 That's just the energy. Yeah. I just wish they would 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:57.239 do this for the flu though, I really do. We'd 0:02:57.240 --> 0:03:00.919 be having it all the time, like every yeah, every 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.800 every October to January. Everything. You should just be dark, 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:08.920 dark season, every just off the grid, zombie land like 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.799 the Apocalypse. No more summer break, it's flu break. What's 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:16.280 that movie where they go around they have like twelve 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:18.840 hours dawned to dusk where they can just like go 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:28.560 around and it's like yaking people off. What's perch from people? 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:32.320 Are ya? What does that means? My words? You know? 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:33.760 I like to come up with a new words and 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:40.160 piss michaelf yea. It's like jacking, but yeah, come off, 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:47.400 it's funny. How you are you? I'm tired from that tour. 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:51.760 I'm tired, but I'm I'm good. I'm just getting ready 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:54.360 for the movie and just there's just a lot to 0:03:54.400 --> 0:03:57.880 do before we leave. But it's good. About a hundred 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:02.080 and seventy three pages to memorize A Wow, can you 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:06.080 tell us anything about the movie? Wow, it's filming at 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.600 the Ice Hotel in Quebec City. That's so cool, so cool, 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:13.920 stet out of ice and um, you know, it's the 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:17.480 typical girl meets boy, boy falls in love with girl. 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:19.920 Maybe girl might fall in love with boy. I don't know. 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:27.520 We'll see. I mean like a not really but maybe 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:36.640 maybe a kisser too too a PG audience. But the 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:40.279 one of the producers emailed me today and she's like, hey, 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:43.160 how are you with UM country or how are you 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:46.479 with UM skiing? And I was like she's like zero 0:04:46.520 --> 0:04:48.640 to ten, and I was like ten just because I'm 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:51.279 want to be excited, and you know, because I am excited. 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:56.920 Never skied, but I said ten. But then I looked 0:04:56.960 --> 0:04:59.600 back at the email and she meant cross country skiing, 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:01.440 and I like, it's just like walking, right, So I'm 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:03.839 I'm saying I'm still a ten and I'm not going 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:05.640 to go back on it. But I did respond and 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:07.280 I was like, but if there's a ski lift, I'm 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:11.680 negative one. So if we could just confirm there's no heights, 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:16.440 the ski lifts are a challenge the element. Yeah, I 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:19.120 mean that's what I had a massive panic attack when 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:20.720 I was filming an episode one Tree Hill on a 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:25.760 ski lift. It was awful. It's harder on a snowboard, really, yes, 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:29.080 because you have only one foot in and you have 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:30.560 to get off and just put your other foot on 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:33.080 the board. Last time we went, like a couple of 0:05:33.120 --> 0:05:35.080 years ago from my birthday in Park City, I took 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:38.760 some guy out getting off, some random guy that had 0:05:38.800 --> 0:05:40.479 to be sitting next to me. I felt so bad. 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:44.160 That's hilarious. Everybody exaggerates on their resumes, you know, everyone 0:05:44.200 --> 0:05:45.920 always says they're better at things than they are, they 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:47.839 speak more language, and than they do they hire g 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:50.160 p A. It's funny to know that still even at 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:52.360 your situation, you've already booked the gig and you're still 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:54.800 lying about your personal skills. I know. Is that's something, 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.640 isn't it? Because I I just think I want to 0:05:57.680 --> 0:05:59.640 just be so like Gung Ho and like yeah, I'm 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.000 so sighted and like I'm a ten skier, and then 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:08.000 I'm like, I'm not. I've never skied before. I'm screwed. 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.840 Here's the thing with that though. I'll actually back up 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:14.320 jan on this because when it comes to something like 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:19.120 athletic athletic or just really anything, Janna is one of 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.280 those people like you know, we all know that guy 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.240 that he's just good at everything, right, He's just you 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.200 give him a baseball and he's throwing strikes. You're give 0:06:26.240 --> 0:06:28.520 him basketball, he's hitting three pointers like for the first 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:31.920 time ever. Janna is like the same way if it's like, hey, 0:06:32.200 --> 0:06:35.000 we're gonna do this. You see me snowboard about a 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:38.160 year and a half ago, but that you're also pregnant, 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:40.000 so you're just kind of like standing on a board. 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.480 But we just clarify that I wasn't pregnant snowboarding. I 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:45.560 was like, I was, I was two days pregnant. That 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:48.280 was when we had a miscarriage. Yeah, not because of snowboarding, 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:51.599 because I see that. I was like, let's clarify that. 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:54.640 But I was technically pregnant, like by two days. But 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:58.240 then we lost the embryo, right, But so you you 0:06:58.279 --> 0:07:00.720 didn't really go after it, you didn't really try. So 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:03.159 I'm just I have so much confidence in you doing 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:05.919 something athletically that I'm like, yeah, probably by the end 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:08.400 of this movie, she will be attend at cross country skiing. 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:11.000 But it isn't cross country skiing, just like walking, like 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:15.560 I did it when I was I think seven. I mean, yeah, 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:17.760 I think you'll be okay. But had you said eight, 0:07:18.080 --> 0:07:20.640 I don't think that would have been a big lie necessarily, 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:22.360 and they maybe would have had somebody there to kind 0:07:22.360 --> 0:07:24.080 of make sure you understand how to get your boots 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:27.320 into this better than this. You all know Janna is 0:07:27.400 --> 0:07:31.000 all or nothing cross country skiing the next few days. 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:32.880 But no, it is a very interesting point that, like, 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:35.880 why didn't I be more honest about my skill level? 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:41.080 Did she ask your skill level? What did she ask? 0:07:41.520 --> 0:07:43.480 How do you feel about on a second, this is 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:44.960 I'm going to read it to you exactly what she 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:47.880 said one second. Let me get my password in three 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:55.720 one once she goes okay, so she says okay. Um skiing, 0:07:56.320 --> 0:08:00.920 she says, good afternoon. Um, reaching to find out, on 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:03.200 a scale of one to ten, how comfortable you are 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:08.400 with cross country skiing comforts? So are you comfortable with 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:13.800 skiing up a slight incline? And I was like ten, brilliant, Yeah, 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:17.840 I think you're okay. There, she'll be right, we'll see. 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:21.600 Now I have a new question answer that's an iPhone. Yes, 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:26.360 why don't you use facial recognition? I do, but my 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:29.520 face has the headphones on, and I don't think it. Okay, 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:32.720 all right, all right, I'm just curious. But thanks dad, 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:41.440 Why aren't you doing this stuff? Trigger? Trigger? Trigger? Well, 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:44.440 because we were a couple of weeks ago we realized 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:50.200 Seacrest doesn't use the face things. Well, he was like, 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:52.040 I don't want that stuff, like it seems like he's 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:54.839 paranoid that the camera's watching him or something. I think 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:57.480 some people are like that. It's always watching a man. 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:04.280 He's filmed ol day long. Yeah, of all people, I'm 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:07.600 excited I'm excited for Canada. Yeah, I saw. I was wondering, 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:10.320 how are you Are you pumped? I am actually really pumped. 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:12.800 I'm really looking forward to. I'm looking forward to. Mike 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:15.800 had no desire to come to New Iberia. When I 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:17.880 said we're going to Quebec City, He's like, we're calming, 0:09:17.920 --> 0:09:21.199 will calm. The whole time. It was like, let's do it. 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:24.240 Finds out that there's a ski left place like twenty 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:28.840 minutes away. Yeah, um no, I am excited because I'm 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.960 really pumped just to get the kids out and take 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:34.480 them somewhere. We haven't really taken him anywhere this year, 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:37.360 you know, just get him out and get him in 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:40.960 the snow and have some fun. Um. I got the 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:44.320 cutest snow pants for Jolly and Jay. So I'm so. 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.600 I just think it's gonna be cool. You know, it's 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:49.240 so magical for kids, it is, and I think that's 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:51.160 why I'm so excited, because I'm still a big kid. 0:09:51.200 --> 0:10:02.040 So I'm just like, well, it's so, I'm pumped. Fine, Um, Well, 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.880 I am excited because we have Jancy done Um on 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:09.120 the show today. Her book Perfect Time title just honestly 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:12.600 makes me just happy inside it's called How Not to 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:17.280 Hate Your Husband After Kids Mark. So we're going to 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:19.800 get her on the phone, but first let's take a break. 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:27.320 It's Janina from Love and Sight, a new I Heart 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:30.600 Radio podcast all about the TV show Love Is Blind? 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:33.880 Are you addicted to Love is Blind? We are here 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:37.280 to satisfy all your Love is Blind cravings and if 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:40.800 you haven't watched yet, join us everywhere you listen to 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:44.079 podcasts for everything you need to know. Do you want 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:47.440 to find out how Damian and I got back together? Yep, 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:49.839 I'm the girl that got left at the altar. The 0:10:50.040 --> 0:10:52.439 Love is Blind cast will join us, telling us things 0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:54.960 they have never revealed, and you get all the behind 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:57.840 the scenes, all the details, all the never seen footage, 0:10:57.840 --> 0:11:02.079 and the ultimate question, can an experiment like this actually work? 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:05.640 Is love truly blind? And I Heart Radio is bringing 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:10.000 you every little nugget Love Insight available now everywhere you 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:20.559 listen to podcasts. Hi, Hi, jan It's Mike and Jana. Hey. Hello, 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.480 I've listened to every single episode, so I'm a super fan. 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:28.040 I hope I won't creep both of you out. I 0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:30.800 love it, um and I love How to Not Hate 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:34.040 your Husband After Kids? Um? I love that you wrote 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:37.959 that book. That is so awesome. Um, how how old 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:43.000 are your kids? Okay, I just I just have the one. 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:45.320 I mean I didn't even have to like you guys, 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:50.000 it was just one and cheese. Now ken and I wrote. 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:53.560 I wrote the book for the same reason that you 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:57.679 all talk about what can be painful subjects on the podcast, 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:02.560 because there's so much shame around fighting when you first 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.079 have a baby. I felt like no one did it, 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:08.040 and now I know, like everyone does it. Yeah. It's 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:10.560 so funny because I was just talking to a friend 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:13.559 the other day and she was I'm not going to 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:17.440 name her name, but she was like, you know, it's crazy. 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:20.040 Their baby is like five months old, and she's like, 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:21.840 I really don't like my husband. And I was like, girl, 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:24.240 it's just a thing. After you have kids. It's really hard, 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:27.520 but you guys just have to really work on your communication. 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:29.760 And but she's like, but I didn't know it was 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:31.280 going to be like that, and I'm like, yeah, I 0:12:31.280 --> 0:12:33.240 feel like people should have it like a pamphlet on 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:35.319 how to not hite your kids. How did I hate 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:38.160 your husband after kids? And just exactly why you wrote 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:42.600 your book because people don't really talk about it. No, no, 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:45.040 And I have friends after I wrote the book who said, 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:47.360 oh yeah. I didn't talk to John for two years 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:49.800 after the twins were born. I was like, why why 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:52.160 didn't you say anything to me? I mean, you know, 0:12:52.200 --> 0:12:54.840 it's just it's this thing where when you have a 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:56.959 boyfriend or a girlfriend, you kind of talk about them, 0:12:57.000 --> 0:12:58.720 maybe with your friends a little bit, but it's a 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.040 little different when you're married. And I felt like I 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.679 couldn't talk about it with my mother, who has a 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.400 really long memory and would would remember twenty years from 0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:09.160 now anything that I told her. So and I just 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:12.240 felt and I also felt embarrassed. I thought, you know, 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:15.680 we would get in these fights and our pattern, um, 0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:17.680 this may sound familiar to a lot of people, is 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:21.120 called pursuer distance, or where I would yell and he 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:24.040 would retreat, and the more I would yell, the more 0:13:24.080 --> 0:13:27.000 he would sort of like turn gray and crumple into 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:31.199 a little ball and so so, and I would be like, 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:33.000 can you hear me now? And I would I would 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:35.600 swear I'm from New Jersey. I'm very creative with my 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:39.480 variations of you know, dick dick, dick head, dick bag, 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:44.120 and so what my daughter saw I mean you all, 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:46.800 I know, on another um wind down, you were talking 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:49.959 about being worried about you know, oh, how much is 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:51.920 my daughter seen in the early days and isn't going 0:13:51.960 --> 0:13:54.320 to impact her later? Is Joey going to be you know, 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:57.280 will the show up later? I'm sure you've heard from 0:13:57.280 --> 0:14:00.960 many parents that have said they don't remember anything, you know, 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:03.840 before the age of four, including the expensive Disney vacation 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:07.120 we took him to. But like with with us, I 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:11.640 started noticing Sylvie, my daughter started changing her personality at 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.280 around age four. Like you already through a lot of 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:19.280 that stuff, but with us, it was really reaching a crescendo. 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:23.720 And so what were you seeing now? She just turned 0:14:23.760 --> 0:14:28.520 for She just turned for So she's and you you 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:32.680 have learned how to disagree in like a healthy way. 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:36.560 And we were in the meantime, our daughter was four, 0:14:36.600 --> 0:14:39.800 and what started happening is You're like, are you going 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:41.520 to get a question in at any point? I'm sorry, 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:43.360 I'm like talking about this is the subject I loved 0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:46.720 talking about. We noticed that her personality was changing. She 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:50.040 was this bubbly, happily happy girl, and she started getting 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:53.040 kind of quiet and she started getting a little watchful 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.480 and then because I was the one yelling, even though 0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:00.960 Tom admits, now that's my husband. He he was the 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:03.280 problem with us when when we had the baby, is 0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:05.840 that he he was this evolved guy and he was like, oh, 0:15:05.840 --> 0:15:08.240 I'm going to help out. He didn't. We we fell 0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:11.600 back into these really old patterns where he didn't do much. 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:13.680 Like my life changed a lot and I did most 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:15.640 of the housework in the childcare, and his didn't change 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:18.000 that much. Not only that, he took up long distance 0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:20.200 cycling the week our baby was born and training for 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:24.560 the New York Marathon perfect time. It was, yeah, So 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.720 he was literally like running away and cycling away from us. 0:15:27.760 --> 0:15:30.600 And so there was a tension. And anyway, when when 0:15:30.640 --> 0:15:33.920 I would get upset that he was like not doing 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.520 anything and I was doing most of the stuff. What 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:41.280 our daughter saw was not like gender inequality. She's not 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:46.800 some feminist scholar. She saw me yelling and him like shrinking, 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:48.880 and so she would jump in front of him and say, 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:52.280 don't yell at daddy, and I thought, oh crap. And 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:55.840 so that's the dynamic she saw and we that's what 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:58.160 prompted me to sort of do this and to write 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.280 the book and to go through intense they're up be 0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:03.760 we do intensive to is because I thought, oh, I'm 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.400 changing my daughter's personality. And it makes me sort of 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.120 sad now because I think, like, gee, I wasn't even 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.800 concerned that our marriage was falling into the toilet. It 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:16.040 was more about we're ruining our kid. But look whatever 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:19.080 gets you there, you know we we we took steps 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:22.960 to improve after that and how to fight fair? So 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:26.200 how do you not hate your husband after kids? What 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:28.400 are was? What are son? Like? Please give me something 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:34.520 tangible to hold onto? Okay? What I Okay? Fighting in 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:38.520 a healthy way number one? And you know, just one 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:41.400 more thing about if if your children you know, see 0:16:41.440 --> 0:16:44.840 you disagree in a healthy way, as you've mentioned both 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:47.280 of you've mentioned on the podcast, like, it is a 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:50.640 good thing. And I just wanted to tell you before 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:53.120 I go on that there was this great research at 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:55.200 the University of West Virginia that I think about a lot, 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:57.680 and they observed thirteen year olds, a bunch of them 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:02.000 who um were watching their parents fight in both healthy 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:06.440 and unhealthy ways. And that's where all my issues come from. Yeah, 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:09.840 Like and then they went back and it was a 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:13.440 hundred and fifty seven teenagers when they were sixteen. They 0:17:13.480 --> 0:17:16.639 found that those kids were more likely, the ones that 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:20.280 saw their parents disagree in a healthy way, more likely 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.560 to stand up to peer pressure when offered alcohol or drugs. 0:17:25.480 --> 0:17:28.480 So I think about that all the time. I'm like, Okay, 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:32.040 now that we're disagreeing in mostly a healthy way, this 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:37.440 is good modeling, behavioral modeling for her to follow. Like, so, 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:40.000 so that makes me feel a little bit better, Like 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:42.560 if if you know, then it isn't scary like in 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:46.439 my family it was like simmering tension and then explosions. Well, 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:48.920 that's not a healthy way to disagree, you know. And 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:51.720 so she sees us we use the same therapy language 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:54.399 that you guys used. Don't say no, say yes, and 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:58.800 you know, talk about your feelings. So the best ways 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:02.760 that I have found to not have that hatred. And 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:04.560 I really should have called the book How How to 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:06.680 Love Your Husband after Kids, but it wouldn't have sold 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:12.880 as well. Look at it like I don't have time 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:19.520 to love him right now. So one is, don't expect 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:21.640 him to read your mind. And this was my classic 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.200 thing that I did. I really was doing that thing 0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:26.680 that Burnet Brown calls this the story I'm making up, 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:28.800 which is I would make up a story for him 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:30.800 like ha ha, I'm sitting on the couch when my 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:34.560 wife's doing all the work me. You know, he wasn't gloating, 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:36.639 he just didn't know. And I would do this thing 0:18:36.680 --> 0:18:40.280 where I would hate prepare dinner and bang pats pots around, 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:42.200 and it was like, what Just tell him how you feel, 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:45.320 tell him what you need. And so one thing is 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:48.520 just don't expect him to read your mind. Number two 0:18:49.200 --> 0:18:53.399 it's fight fairly use I describe the problem and not 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:56.320 the person, not you're sitting on the couch, but I 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.320 need some help, or there's there's crap on the floor, 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:01.679 can you pick it up? Describe the situation. I know 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:04.720 you know all of this, and also describe how you feel, 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:08.680 because I have found someone can't argue with how you feel. 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:12.199 If you say I feel depressed that you forgot to 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:14.600 pick up diapers, well they can't argue with that you 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:17.960 feel depressed. It's kind of concrete, you know, So that 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:21.800 sort of heads off that like next argument. And another 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:25.080 thing is paraphrasing, and that I learned from I I 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:29.640 interviewed a couple of FBI crisis negotiators because I thought 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:31.919 they would know how to calm someone down in three minutes. 0:19:32.240 --> 0:19:35.800 They do so. My friend Gary, who used to run 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:39.120 the crisis negotiation unit of the FBI for thirty years, 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:42.639 he said that everyone just wants to be heard, whether 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:45.600 it's someone that's like holding up a bank or a 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:48.680 prison riot which he had to put down. He said, 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:52.160 people want to be heard, so you paraphrase what they're 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:53.919 trying to say to you. I hear you. Guys do 0:19:53.960 --> 0:19:56.480 it all the time on the podcast. Is like you 0:19:56.560 --> 0:19:59.679 repeat back what the person is saying in your own words. 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:03.200 Has if I felt like tom my husband was hearing me, 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:08.200 it immediately called me down, like it really did, and 0:20:08.200 --> 0:20:12.919 and so that helps. And also saying thank you. There's 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:16.160 this research from the University of Georgia that that's one 0:20:16.200 --> 0:20:19.760 of those habits that predict whether someone will stay married 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:23.080 for a really long time is just saying thank you 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:26.200 to each other. And it can be annoying when you're 0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:28.359 kind of in it and you're fighting or squabbling. You 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:31.159 don't really necessarily want to say, like, oh, you know, 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:34.679 thank you for um picking up the kid after school. 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:39.720 But those little thank you's make a huge difference. I mean, 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.360 I could go on and on. I learned so much 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:45.760 that I put into practice every day because it is 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:49.280 something you have to practice, isn't it. Um. Another one 0:20:49.480 --> 0:20:52.439 that someone told me is a phrase that I use 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:55.040 a lot is what does it cost you? And that 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:58.520 is don't would do this thing where he would come 0:20:58.560 --> 0:21:00.320 home from a soccer game on the week and then 0:21:00.359 --> 0:21:02.359 he would take a shower for twenty minutes, and for 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:05.240 some reason, that shower annoyed the crap out of me. 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:07.639 I would be like, you know what I mean, I 0:21:07.720 --> 0:21:11.400 take a military shower for what are you doing in there? Why? 0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:14.040 But then I thought like, but we're not giving ourselves 0:21:14.080 --> 0:21:16.800 that time. That's what I've realized too though. It's like, 0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:20.560 you know what, why can't I take a long shower, Jianna, 0:21:20.880 --> 0:21:25.280 That's exactly why, Like you default to resentment, but you 0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:27.600 could take a long shower too. Yeah, and that's and 0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:30.000 that's something Mike. You say to me, why can't because 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:31.399 I have to do this and then the kids and whatever. 0:21:31.400 --> 0:21:33.960 He's like, that's on you, and I'm like, you know what, 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:35.720 I was like, crap, it is on me. So now 0:21:36.040 --> 0:21:38.080 I take a really long showers because he takes really 0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:40.280 long poops and I don't resent his poops anymore because 0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:44.600 I'm taking a really long shower. Yeah, and it's okay. 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:47.119 And the more you do that the better. And like 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:50.080 even you know, and I would I would ask myself, 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:53.679 what does it cost me? Like here, I'm baking. I 0:21:53.720 --> 0:21:56.040 love to bake. My child is fine, she's playing with 0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:59.360