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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Jane Kraler and Michael Coughlin and What's

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Speaker 1: Up Gang, Happy Monday, Happy Monday to everybody. Got Easton

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Speaker 1: and Mark in the studio, Hi popping, popping lights, al

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Speaker 1: bottles up in their hand sanitizer, Clorox wipes, We got

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Speaker 1: it everywhere, just going up. We're just talking off air.

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Speaker 1: We're comparing the people at lightsol like they're partying, like

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Speaker 1: it's Wolf of Wall Street over there. Just those guys

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Speaker 1: going nuts because so serious, they're so nervous and so

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Speaker 1: anxious about this whole thing. But the people who make

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Speaker 1: hand sanitized it must be having a party right now. Bonus,

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Speaker 1: it's for everybody. Oh yeah, everybody gets some. Oh yeah.

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Speaker 1: I honestly though, I was talking to my trainer and

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Speaker 1: her husband trains a doctor at Vanderbilt, and he was saying,

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Speaker 1: like his wife had it, but she was totally fine.

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Speaker 1: And then you know, people don't even realize they have it,

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Speaker 1: but they do have it, and but it's fine. But

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Speaker 1: then I think what worries me is just the old

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Speaker 1: their people for sure. But but then I saw one

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Speaker 1: this morning and guy was forty eight years old and

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Speaker 1: nearly died. He said he was like he was inches

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Speaker 1: from death and I'm forty eight years old, So I

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Speaker 1: guess you just don't know how it's going to hit you.

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Speaker 1: Is that how it is? How did you know him?

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Speaker 1: How do you know? No? No, I saw some something

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Speaker 1: on social media just pops up about they did an

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Speaker 1: interview with him. That's so scary. Yeah, it's just I

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Speaker 1: guess it just depends. But um, well, when everyone's listening

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Speaker 1: to this, we're not there right now, but we'll be

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Speaker 1: in Canada when this comes out next week. So um

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Speaker 1: but I'm not like, I'm not too worried about it,

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Speaker 1: and I do what wipe the seats with? You know,

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Speaker 1: when we did our wind down tour, we were wet

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Speaker 1: wiping everything and which, by the way, Easton are the

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Speaker 1: dates got moved? Did you hear? I saw that. I

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Speaker 1: saw it and I with a single tear rolled down

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Speaker 1: my cheek and then I changed my calendar and my phone.

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Speaker 1: The dates for Californian Sacramento are being moved to May.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, so hopefully people can still know that's a

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Speaker 1: that's at the Yeah, May thirty in Los Angeles Saturday

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Speaker 1: and May one Sunday with a Sacramento. I just have

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Speaker 1: to double check because you just never know, you know,

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Speaker 1: and we're hoping everything is going to be better by

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Speaker 1: that is that the idea, We're just going to keep going. Well,

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Speaker 1: it got canceled because I'm doing a movie up in Canada,

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Speaker 1: so that's why I got rescheduled. But yeah, I mean hopefully,

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Speaker 1: I mean, are people canceling things? So, I mean I

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Speaker 1: heard stagecoaches maybe gonna get you rescheduled. That's done, that's

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Speaker 1: going to October. Coachella is going to October moved Like

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Speaker 1: I don't because that's that. I feel sad for people's

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Speaker 1: you know, everyone's jobs and everyone happening. But at least

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Speaker 1: those things are getting moved. Sporting events might be being

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Speaker 1: played with like no fans, like March madness, like college basketball,

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Speaker 1: same with a c m S. They might have no audience.

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Speaker 1: That's just the energy. Yeah. I just wish they would

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Speaker 1: do this for the flu though, I really do. We'd

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Speaker 1: be having it all the time, like every yeah, every

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Speaker 1: every October to January. Everything. You should just be dark,

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Speaker 1: dark season, every just off the grid, zombie land like

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Speaker 1: the Apocalypse. No more summer break, it's flu break. What's

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Speaker 1: that movie where they go around they have like twelve

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Speaker 1: hours dawned to dusk where they can just like go

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Speaker 1: around and it's like yaking people off. What's perch from people?

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Speaker 1: Are ya? What does that means? My words? You know?

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Speaker 1: I like to come up with a new words and

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Speaker 1: piss michaelf yea. It's like jacking, but yeah, come off,

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Speaker 1: it's funny. How you are you? I'm tired from that tour.

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Speaker 1: I'm tired, but I'm I'm good. I'm just getting ready

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Speaker 1: for the movie and just there's just a lot to

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Speaker 1: do before we leave. But it's good. About a hundred

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Speaker 1: and seventy three pages to memorize A Wow, can you

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Speaker 1: tell us anything about the movie? Wow, it's filming at

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Speaker 1: the Ice Hotel in Quebec City. That's so cool, so cool,

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Speaker 1: stet out of ice and um, you know, it's the

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Speaker 1: typical girl meets boy, boy falls in love with girl.

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Speaker 1: Maybe girl might fall in love with boy. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: We'll see. I mean like a not really but maybe

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Speaker 1: maybe a kisser too too a PG audience. But the

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Speaker 1: one of the producers emailed me today and she's like, hey,

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Speaker 1: how are you with UM country or how are you

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Speaker 1: with UM skiing? And I was like she's like zero

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Speaker 1: to ten, and I was like ten just because I'm

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Speaker 1: want to be excited, and you know, because I am excited.

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Speaker 1: Never skied, but I said ten. But then I looked

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Speaker 1: back at the email and she meant cross country skiing,

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Speaker 1: and I like, it's just like walking, right, So I'm

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Speaker 1: I'm saying I'm still a ten and I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to go back on it. But I did respond and

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Speaker 1: I was like, but if there's a ski lift, I'm

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Speaker 1: negative one. So if we could just confirm there's no heights,

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Speaker 1: the ski lifts are a challenge the element. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean that's what I had a massive panic attack when

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Speaker 1: I was filming an episode one Tree Hill on a

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Speaker 1: ski lift. It was awful. It's harder on a snowboard, really, yes,

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Speaker 1: because you have only one foot in and you have

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Speaker 1: to get off and just put your other foot on

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Speaker 1: the board. Last time we went, like a couple of

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Speaker 1: years ago from my birthday in Park City, I took

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Speaker 1: some guy out getting off, some random guy that had

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Speaker 1: to be sitting next to me. I felt so bad.

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Speaker 1: That's hilarious. Everybody exaggerates on their resumes, you know, everyone

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Speaker 1: always says they're better at things than they are, they

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Speaker 1: speak more language, and than they do they hire g

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Speaker 1: p A. It's funny to know that still even at

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Speaker 1: your situation, you've already booked the gig and you're still

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Speaker 1: lying about your personal skills. I know. Is that's something,

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Speaker 1: isn't it? Because I I just think I want to

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Speaker 1: just be so like Gung Ho and like yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: so sighted and like I'm a ten skier, and then

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not. I've never skied before. I'm screwed.

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Speaker 1: Here's the thing with that though. I'll actually back up

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Speaker 1: jan on this because when it comes to something like

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Speaker 1: athletic athletic or just really anything, Janna is one of

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Speaker 1: those people like you know, we all know that guy

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Speaker 1: that he's just good at everything, right, He's just you

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Speaker 1: give him a baseball and he's throwing strikes. You're give

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Speaker 1: him basketball, he's hitting three pointers like for the first

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Speaker 1: time ever. Janna is like the same way if it's like, hey,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna do this. You see me snowboard about a

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Speaker 1: year and a half ago, but that you're also pregnant,

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Speaker 1: so you're just kind of like standing on a board.

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Speaker 1: But we just clarify that I wasn't pregnant snowboarding. I

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Speaker 1: was like, I was, I was two days pregnant. That

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Speaker 1: was when we had a miscarriage. Yeah, not because of snowboarding,

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Speaker 1: because I see that. I was like, let's clarify that.

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Speaker 1: But I was technically pregnant, like by two days. But

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Speaker 1: then we lost the embryo, right, But so you you

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Speaker 1: didn't really go after it, you didn't really try. So

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Speaker 1: I'm just I have so much confidence in you doing

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Speaker 1: something athletically that I'm like, yeah, probably by the end

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Speaker 1: of this movie, she will be attend at cross country skiing.

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Speaker 1: But it isn't cross country skiing, just like walking, like

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Speaker 1: I did it when I was I think seven. I mean, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think you'll be okay. But had you said eight,

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Speaker 1: I don't think that would have been a big lie necessarily,

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Speaker 1: and they maybe would have had somebody there to kind

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Speaker 1: of make sure you understand how to get your boots

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Speaker 1: into this better than this. You all know Janna is

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Speaker 1: all or nothing cross country skiing the next few days.

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Speaker 1: But no, it is a very interesting point that, like,

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Speaker 1: why didn't I be more honest about my skill level?

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Speaker 1: Did she ask your skill level? What did she ask?

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Speaker 1: How do you feel about on a second, this is

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read it to you exactly what she

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Speaker 1: said one second. Let me get my password in three

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Speaker 1: one once she goes okay, so she says okay. Um skiing,

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Speaker 1: she says, good afternoon. Um, reaching to find out, on

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Speaker 1: a scale of one to ten, how comfortable you are

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Speaker 1: with cross country skiing comforts? So are you comfortable with

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Speaker 1: skiing up a slight incline? And I was like ten, brilliant, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think you're okay. There, she'll be right, we'll see.

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Speaker 1: Now I have a new question answer that's an iPhone. Yes,

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Speaker 1: why don't you use facial recognition? I do, but my

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Speaker 1: face has the headphones on, and I don't think it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: all right, all right, I'm just curious. But thanks dad,

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Speaker 1: Why aren't you doing this stuff? Trigger? Trigger? Trigger? Well,

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Speaker 1: because we were a couple of weeks ago we realized

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Speaker 1: Seacrest doesn't use the face things. Well, he was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want that stuff, like it seems like he's

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Speaker 1: paranoid that the camera's watching him or something. I think

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Speaker 1: some people are like that. It's always watching a man.

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Speaker 1: He's filmed ol day long. Yeah, of all people, I'm

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Speaker 1: excited I'm excited for Canada. Yeah, I saw. I was wondering,

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Speaker 1: how are you Are you pumped? I am actually really pumped.

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Speaker 1: I'm really looking forward to. I'm looking forward to. Mike

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Speaker 1: had no desire to come to New Iberia. When I

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Speaker 1: said we're going to Quebec City, He's like, we're calming,

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Speaker 1: will calm. The whole time. It was like, let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Finds out that there's a ski left place like twenty

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Speaker 1: minutes away. Yeah, um no, I am excited because I'm

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Speaker 1: really pumped just to get the kids out and take

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Speaker 1: them somewhere. We haven't really taken him anywhere this year,

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Speaker 1: you know, just get him out and get him in

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Speaker 1: the snow and have some fun. Um. I got the

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Speaker 1: cutest snow pants for Jolly and Jay. So I'm so.

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Speaker 1: I just think it's gonna be cool. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: so magical for kids, it is, and I think that's

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Speaker 1: why I'm so excited, because I'm still a big kid.

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Speaker 1: So I'm just like, well, it's so, I'm pumped. Fine, Um, Well,

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Speaker 1: I am excited because we have Jancy done Um on

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Speaker 1: the show today. Her book Perfect Time title just honestly

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Speaker 1: makes me just happy inside it's called How Not to

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Speaker 1: Hate Your Husband After Kids Mark. So we're going to

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Speaker 1: get her on the phone, but first let's take a break.

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Speaker 1: It's Janina from Love and Sight, a new I Heart

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Speaker 1: Radio podcast all about the TV show Love Is Blind?

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Speaker 1: Are you addicted to Love is Blind? We are here

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Speaker 1: to satisfy all your Love is Blind cravings and if

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Speaker 1: you haven't watched yet, join us everywhere you listen to

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Speaker 1: podcasts for everything you need to know. Do you want

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Speaker 1: to find out how Damian and I got back together? Yep,

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Speaker 1: I'm the girl that got left at the altar. The

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Speaker 1: Love is Blind cast will join us, telling us things

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Speaker 1: they have never revealed, and you get all the behind

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Speaker 1: the scenes, all the details, all the never seen footage,

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Speaker 1: and the ultimate question, can an experiment like this actually work?

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Speaker 1: Is love truly blind? And I Heart Radio is bringing

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Speaker 1: you every little nugget Love Insight available now everywhere you

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Speaker 1: listen to podcasts. Hi, Hi, jan It's Mike and Jana. Hey. Hello,

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Speaker 1: I've listened to every single episode, so I'm a super fan.

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Speaker 1: I hope I won't creep both of you out. I

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Speaker 1: love it, um and I love How to Not Hate

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Speaker 1: your Husband After Kids? Um? I love that you wrote

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Speaker 1: that book. That is so awesome. Um, how how old

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Speaker 1: are your kids? Okay, I just I just have the one.

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Speaker 1: I mean I didn't even have to like you guys,

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Speaker 1: it was just one and cheese. Now ken and I wrote.

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Speaker 1: I wrote the book for the same reason that you

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Speaker 1: all talk about what can be painful subjects on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: because there's so much shame around fighting when you first

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Speaker 1: have a baby. I felt like no one did it,

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Speaker 1: and now I know, like everyone does it. Yeah. It's

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Speaker 1: so funny because I was just talking to a friend

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Speaker 1: the other day and she was I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: name her name, but she was like, you know, it's crazy.

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Speaker 1: Their baby is like five months old, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: I really don't like my husband. And I was like, girl,

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Speaker 1: it's just a thing. After you have kids. It's really hard,

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Speaker 1: but you guys just have to really work on your communication.

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Speaker 1: And but she's like, but I didn't know it was

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Speaker 1: going to be like that, and I'm like, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: feel like people should have it like a pamphlet on

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Speaker 1: how to not hite your kids. How did I hate

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Speaker 1: your husband after kids? And just exactly why you wrote

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Speaker 1: your book because people don't really talk about it. No, no,

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Speaker 1: And I have friends after I wrote the book who said,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah. I didn't talk to John for two years

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Speaker 1: after the twins were born. I was like, why why

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Speaker 1: didn't you say anything to me? I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's this thing where when you have a

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Speaker 1: boyfriend or a girlfriend, you kind of talk about them,

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Speaker 1: maybe with your friends a little bit, but it's a

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Speaker 1: little different when you're married. And I felt like I

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Speaker 1: couldn't talk about it with my mother, who has a

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Speaker 1: really long memory and would would remember twenty years from

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Speaker 1: now anything that I told her. So and I just

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Speaker 1: felt and I also felt embarrassed. I thought, you know,

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Speaker 1: we would get in these fights and our pattern, um,

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Speaker 1: this may sound familiar to a lot of people, is

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Speaker 1: called pursuer distance, or where I would yell and he

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Speaker 1: would retreat, and the more I would yell, the more

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Speaker 1: he would sort of like turn gray and crumple into

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Speaker 1: a little ball and so so, and I would be like,

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Speaker 1: can you hear me now? And I would I would

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Speaker 1: swear I'm from New Jersey. I'm very creative with my

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Speaker 1: variations of you know, dick dick, dick head, dick bag,

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Speaker 1: and so what my daughter saw I mean you all,

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Speaker 1: I know, on another um wind down, you were talking

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Speaker 1: about being worried about you know, oh, how much is

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Speaker 1: my daughter seen in the early days and isn't going

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Speaker 1: to impact her later? Is Joey going to be you know,

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Speaker 1: will the show up later? I'm sure you've heard from

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Speaker 1: many parents that have said they don't remember anything, you know,

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Speaker 1: before the age of four, including the expensive Disney vacation

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Speaker 1: we took him to. But like with with us, I

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Speaker 1: started noticing Sylvie, my daughter started changing her personality at

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Speaker 1: around age four. Like you already through a lot of

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Speaker 1: that stuff, but with us, it was really reaching a crescendo.

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Speaker 1: And so what were you seeing now? She just turned

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Speaker 1: for She just turned for So she's and you you

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Speaker 1: have learned how to disagree in like a healthy way.

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Speaker 1: And we were in the meantime, our daughter was four,

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Speaker 1: and what started happening is You're like, are you going

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Speaker 1: to get a question in at any point? I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: I'm like talking about this is the subject I loved

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Speaker 1: talking about. We noticed that her personality was changing. She

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Speaker 1: was this bubbly, happily happy girl, and she started getting

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Speaker 1: kind of quiet and she started getting a little watchful

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Speaker 1: and then because I was the one yelling, even though

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Speaker 1: Tom admits, now that's my husband. He he was the

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Speaker 1: problem with us when when we had the baby, is

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Speaker 1: that he he was this evolved guy and he was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to help out. He didn't. We we fell

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Speaker 1: back into these really old patterns where he didn't do much.

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Speaker 1: Like my life changed a lot and I did most

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Speaker 1: of the housework in the childcare, and his didn't change

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Speaker 1: that much. Not only that, he took up long distance

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Speaker 1: cycling the week our baby was born and training for

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Speaker 1: the New York Marathon perfect time. It was, yeah, So

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Speaker 1: he was literally like running away and cycling away from us.

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Speaker 1: And so there was a tension. And anyway, when when

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Speaker 1: I would get upset that he was like not doing

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Speaker 1: anything and I was doing most of the stuff. What

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Speaker 1: our daughter saw was not like gender inequality. She's not

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Speaker 1: some feminist scholar. She saw me yelling and him like shrinking,

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Speaker 1: and so she would jump in front of him and say,

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Speaker 1: don't yell at daddy, and I thought, oh crap. And

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Speaker 1: so that's the dynamic she saw and we that's what

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Speaker 1: prompted me to sort of do this and to write

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Speaker 1: the book and to go through intense they're up be

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Speaker 1: we do intensive to is because I thought, oh, I'm

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Speaker 1: changing my daughter's personality. And it makes me sort of

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Speaker 1: sad now because I think, like, gee, I wasn't even

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Speaker 1: concerned that our marriage was falling into the toilet. It

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Speaker 1: was more about we're ruining our kid. But look whatever

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Speaker 1: gets you there, you know we we we took steps

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Speaker 1: to improve after that and how to fight fair? So

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Speaker 1: how do you not hate your husband after kids? What

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Speaker 1: are was? What are son? Like? Please give me something

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Speaker 1: tangible to hold onto? Okay? What I Okay? Fighting in

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Speaker 1: a healthy way number one? And you know, just one

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Speaker 1: more thing about if if your children you know, see

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Speaker 1: you disagree in a healthy way, as you've mentioned both

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Speaker 1: of you've mentioned on the podcast, like, it is a

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Speaker 1: good thing. And I just wanted to tell you before

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Speaker 1: I go on that there was this great research at

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Speaker 1: the University of West Virginia that I think about a lot,

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Speaker 1: and they observed thirteen year olds, a bunch of them

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Speaker 1: who um were watching their parents fight in both healthy

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Speaker 1: and unhealthy ways. And that's where all my issues come from. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Like and then they went back and it was a

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Speaker 1: hundred and fifty seven teenagers when they were sixteen. They

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Speaker 1: found that those kids were more likely, the ones that

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Speaker 1: saw their parents disagree in a healthy way, more likely

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Speaker 1: to stand up to peer pressure when offered alcohol or drugs.

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Speaker 1: So I think about that all the time. I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: now that we're disagreeing in mostly a healthy way, this

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Speaker 1: is good modeling, behavioral modeling for her to follow. Like, so,

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Speaker 1: so that makes me feel a little bit better, Like

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Speaker 1: if if you know, then it isn't scary like in

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Speaker 1: my family it was like simmering tension and then explosions. Well,

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Speaker 1: that's not a healthy way to disagree, you know. And

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Speaker 1: so she sees us we use the same therapy language

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Speaker 1: that you guys used. Don't say no, say yes, and

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Speaker 1: you know, talk about your feelings. So the best ways

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Speaker 1: that I have found to not have that hatred. And

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Speaker 1: I really should have called the book How How to

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Speaker 1: Love Your Husband after Kids, but it wouldn't have sold

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Speaker 1: as well. Look at it like I don't have time

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Speaker 1: to love him right now. So one is, don't expect

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Speaker 1: him to read your mind. And this was my classic

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Speaker 1: thing that I did. I really was doing that thing

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Speaker 1: that Burnet Brown calls this the story I'm making up,

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Speaker 1: which is I would make up a story for him

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Speaker 1: like ha ha, I'm sitting on the couch when my

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Speaker 1: wife's doing all the work me. You know, he wasn't gloating,

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Speaker 1: he just didn't know. And I would do this thing

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Speaker 1: where I would hate prepare dinner and bang pats pots around,

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Speaker 1: and it was like, what Just tell him how you feel,

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Speaker 1: tell him what you need. And so one thing is

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Speaker 1: just don't expect him to read your mind. Number two

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Speaker 1: it's fight fairly use I describe the problem and not

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Speaker 1: the person, not you're sitting on the couch, but I

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Speaker 1: need some help, or there's there's crap on the floor,

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Speaker 1: can you pick it up? Describe the situation. I know

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Speaker 1: you know all of this, and also describe how you feel,

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Speaker 1: because I have found someone can't argue with how you feel.

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Speaker 1: If you say I feel depressed that you forgot to

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Speaker 1: pick up diapers, well they can't argue with that you

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Speaker 1: feel depressed. It's kind of concrete, you know, So that

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Speaker 1: sort of heads off that like next argument. And another

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Speaker 1: thing is paraphrasing, and that I learned from I I

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Speaker 1: interviewed a couple of FBI crisis negotiators because I thought

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Speaker 1: they would know how to calm someone down in three minutes.

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Speaker 1: They do so. My friend Gary, who used to run

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Speaker 1: the crisis negotiation unit of the FBI for thirty years,

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Speaker 1: he said that everyone just wants to be heard, whether

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Speaker 1: it's someone that's like holding up a bank or a

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Speaker 1: prison riot which he had to put down. He said,

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Speaker 1: people want to be heard, so you paraphrase what they're

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Speaker 1: trying to say to you. I hear you. Guys do

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Speaker 1: it all the time on the podcast. Is like you

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Speaker 1: repeat back what the person is saying in your own words.

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Speaker 1: Has if I felt like tom my husband was hearing me,

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Speaker 1: it immediately called me down, like it really did, and

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Speaker 1: and so that helps. And also saying thank you. There's

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Speaker 1: this research from the University of Georgia that that's one

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Speaker 1: of those habits that predict whether someone will stay married

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Speaker 1: for a really long time is just saying thank you

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Speaker 1: to each other. And it can be annoying when you're

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Speaker 1: kind of in it and you're fighting or squabbling. You

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Speaker 1: don't really necessarily want to say, like, oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: thank you for um picking up the kid after school.

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Speaker 1: But those little thank you's make a huge difference. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I could go on and on. I learned so much

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Speaker 1: that I put into practice every day because it is

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Speaker 1: something you have to practice, isn't it. Um. Another one

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Speaker 1: that someone told me is a phrase that I use

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Speaker 1: a lot is what does it cost you? And that

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Speaker 1: is don't would do this thing where he would come

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Speaker 1: home from a soccer game on the week and then

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Speaker 1: he would take a shower for twenty minutes, and for

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Speaker 1: some reason, that shower annoyed the crap out of me.

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Speaker 1: I would be like, you know what I mean, I

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Speaker 1: take a military shower for what are you doing in there? Why?

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Speaker 1: But then I thought like, but we're not giving ourselves

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Speaker 1: that time. That's what I've realized too though. It's like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, why can't I take a long shower, Jianna,

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Speaker 1: That's exactly why, Like you default to resentment, but you

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Speaker 1: could take a long shower too. Yeah, and that's and

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Speaker 1: that's something Mike. You say to me, why can't because

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Speaker 1: I have to do this and then the kids and whatever.

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Speaker 1: He's like, that's on you, and I'm like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I was like, crap, it is on me. So now

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Speaker 1: I take a really long showers because he takes really

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Speaker 1: long poops and I don't resent his poops anymore because

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Speaker 1: I'm taking a really long shower. Yeah, and it's okay.

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Speaker 1: And the more you do that the better. And like

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Speaker 1: even you know, and I would I would ask myself,

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Speaker 1: what does it cost me? Like here, I'm baking. I

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Speaker 1: love to bake. My child is fine, she's playing with

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Speaker 1: legos or whatever. It's not costing me anything. I'm just annoyed.

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Speaker 1: So I had to I have to ask myself all

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Speaker 1: the time. And you're so right about the resentment, Like

404
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Speaker 1: is it because you're jealous that you you're not giving

405
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Speaker 1: yourself permission to do that too? Like I would do

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Speaker 1: this thing where he would go out for a run

407
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Speaker 1: or whatever, and I would think, oh, yeah, nice, and

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Speaker 1: I thought I could go out for a run. I

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Speaker 1: just choose not to. He's okay with the kid, he's

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Speaker 1: not going to kill the kids, okay. But we put

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Speaker 1: so much pressure on ourselves. So that's the same thing

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Speaker 1: where it's like I get resentment. I'm like, man, I'm

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Speaker 1: resentful that you can sit there and have a twenty

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Speaker 1: minute poop because I'm like, do not think about what

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00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,480
Speaker 1: maybe Joelian Jason's right now or what we have to

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Speaker 1: do or the next step or maybe fully you know,

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Speaker 1: forwarding the laundry or if it's like so, then I

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Speaker 1: get resentful that maybe he's not thinking about those things.

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Speaker 1: But it's maybe not and he might not be thinking

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Speaker 1: about those things. But that's okay, that's not how his

421
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Speaker 1: brain works, but it's how my brain works. And so

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Speaker 1: it's like, but do I really want him to think

423
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,000
Speaker 1: of things that I think? No, because then it would

424
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 1: just be you know, super chaotic. We Yeah, we have

425
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: a similar dynamic in that I cannot. I have a

426
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,920
Speaker 1: hard time with downtime, and I feel like I need to,

427
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 1: like you, I need to beat Jenna. I need to

428
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,199
Speaker 1: do something productive every second of the day, which is

429
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: also it's called time contamination, and it pertains to women

430
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,080
Speaker 1: only where you get a spare twenty minutes and instead

431
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,359
Speaker 1: of like sitting down in the cup of tier doing

432
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,120
Speaker 1: anything that's a little seft care, you're like, I gotta

433
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: go buy you know, sports equipment for the kids, or

434
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 1: got to go pick up something the grocer, Like you can't.

435
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,639
Speaker 1: It gives me anxiety. It gives me anxiety witnessing that,

436
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,480
Speaker 1: and that's my time is. Lunch has become my favorite

437
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:36,240
Speaker 1: meal of the day. He puts on his little his

438
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:40,400
Speaker 1: his his Beats headphones, he grabs his thing, brings his iPad.

439
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 1: And for the longest time, I was so resentful of

440
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,240
Speaker 1: your lunch time, and I'm like, wow, a lunch time.

441
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: Wouldn't that just be so great to have my own

442
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,439
Speaker 1: time for thirty five minutes, I sit in the office,

443
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,439
Speaker 1: I watched whatever show I'm watching at the moment, I

444
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: eat my lunch. And the thing is is breakfast is

445
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: chaotic because you got the kids. Dinner is usually chaotic,

446
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 1: and I'm usually the one cooking dinner, so we gotta

447
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,640
Speaker 1: feed the kids. I gotta cook dinner and and everything.

448
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: So I'm like, lunch is my meal. I was like,

449
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,120
Speaker 1: this is my thirty or forty minutes every day. Don't

450
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,640
Speaker 1: bother me. And now Genna finally realizes if she comes

451
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 1: by the office door like window and see that my

452
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 1: friends on, She's like, oh, I'll come back. Yes, I'm

453
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 1: finally respecting it. But in the beginning at a really

454
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,040
Speaker 1: hard time, because I was like, oh, he just sits

455
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,639
Speaker 1: down and he doesn't even know, like what has to

456
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: happen in the house, and I just spew all this

457
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,959
Speaker 1: hatred in my head. And then I was Then I

458
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,040
Speaker 1: finally realized it's the same thing with the poop, Like

459
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,440
Speaker 1: I am entitled to have my long shower, and I

460
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:35,040
Speaker 1: sit in the shower now and I'm just like, ah,

461
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:38,320
Speaker 1: this is amazing. But I still don't drink my tea

462
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,760
Speaker 1: in the morning. I can do a lot like that

463
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,080
Speaker 1: really is restorative. Even if you grab ten minutes like

464
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: of just time where you're not where your mind isn't going,

465
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,359
Speaker 1: it can really help throughout your day. Right, Yeah, Jancy,

466
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 1: what do you see? So you mentioned kind of some

467
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,639
Speaker 1: things about you know, um asking what you need and

468
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,639
Speaker 1: not allowing basically telling him that so he doesn't have

469
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,640
Speaker 1: to read your mind. Is there anything that Tom's doing

470
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: that he's changed that you've seen that's been helpful for

471
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: you and y'all's marriage. Um, yes, that's a good question,

472
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: and you know, he he I. There's a couple of things.

473
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,000
Speaker 1: One is that he would just simply ask need a hand,

474
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,280
Speaker 1: Like I wish that. We're still at the point where

475
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 1: I wish he would, um just get up and do

476
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,120
Speaker 1: what needs to be done. He's not quite there yet,

477
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,239
Speaker 1: but he says, if I say to you, do you

478
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 1: need a hand? You know, tell me what to do,

479
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,600
Speaker 1: and I'll do it. Does that bother you? Though? Sorry,

480
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,399
Speaker 1: I don't want to interject with that, because sometimes that

481
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: bothers me that I have to ask. I understand that

482
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,120
Speaker 1: it's against the mind reading thing, but I'm like, why why? Why?

483
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: Why do I have to ask? But if it's something

484
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 1: right in front of your face, I just have such

485
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,760
Speaker 1: a hard time being like, why can't you see that's

486
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 1: what I need you to do right now? And I

487
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,199
Speaker 1: have the hardest time with that. And I'm learning to

488
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 1: be like, yes, I would love for you to help

489
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,679
Speaker 1: me while I'm carrying ten other things right now, to

490
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: pick up the bag that I'm carrying. Would love that,

491
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 1: But it's why is that so? But I understand the

492
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,440
Speaker 1: mind reading, but I don't understand the man's brain. Sometimes

493
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: you look through a pink lens, we look through a

494
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: blue lens. We're just different species. Is that truly what

495
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: it is? Might because I we're not taking my sprain.

496
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,719
Speaker 1: I think I think it is part of what it is.

497
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,560
Speaker 1: It's because sometimes those things will be right under my

498
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,400
Speaker 1: nose and my brains just not there. Women, like you said,

499
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 1: you guys have that time contamination that you talk about

500
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,120
Speaker 1: because your brains are just constantly going into doing ten

501
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,359
Speaker 1: million things at once. I truly think that women should

502
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: be the CEOs and presidents of this world because we

503
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: would probably be a much more efficient uh government and

504
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 1: economy if that was the case. So it's just one

505
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 1: of those things where we're just we're simplistic generally speaking,

506
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: where it's I have one task at hand, to do

507
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,159
Speaker 1: that task, Okay, onto the next one. Where scientifically, Janna,

508
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,159
Speaker 1: if she had to go do something in the office,

509
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: it would take her twenty minutes just to walk fifty

510
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 1: ft because she would everything she would walk by, she

511
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,080
Speaker 1: would have to Oh, I gotta do this, Oh I

512
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 1: gotta do that, I gotta do this. On her way

513
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: to the office to do whatever it is that I said, Hey,

514
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,040
Speaker 1: we got to meet the office to do this at

515
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:23,120
Speaker 1: this time, and I still would't have Pete from that morning. Well,

516
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 1: what what helped Tom a lot is when I explained

517
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:30,120
Speaker 1: the concept of behavioral modeling, and it's it's simply that

518
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,480
Speaker 1: you can say anything you want to kids, but what

519
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 1: they what they act on, is what they see you do. See.

520
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,800
Speaker 1: So I was doing a lot of like Gold's rule,

521
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,160
Speaker 1: you know, all that like rhetoric that you do for

522
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:46,199
Speaker 1: our daughter. But what she saw was dad sitting on

523
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: the couch. And so I showed him some research and

524
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,879
Speaker 1: I said, this is what is happening right now, is

525
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,320
Speaker 1: she is forming expectations of how her mate is going

526
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 1: to treat her when she grows up. So if you

527
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,480
Speaker 1: want her to eventually marry some guy who sits on

528
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: his butt, then keep doing what you're doing. He didn't

529
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: like that people are just putting myself in his shoes.

530
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,920
Speaker 1: I would have been right up off the couch right,

531
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,879
Speaker 1: like like you're already like picturing, like putting your hands

532
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,600
Speaker 1: around the future husband's neck, right. And so she that

533
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 1: worked for him like nothing else. And again it was

534
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 1: because he's thinking of our child, not like, oh, your

535
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: wife needs a hand, and again like it's kind of sad,

536
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 1: but it did work because he was like every time

537
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 1: he jumps up and helps me with the dishes or whatever,

538
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 1: you know, she sees that and she forms an expectation

539
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 1: of what she's going to have later. That was that

540
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,560
Speaker 1: was life changing for both of us. So he and

541
00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,240
Speaker 1: and it was almost like he was acting in a

542
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: bad community theater play at first, like honey, do you

543
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: new do you can I cook a little dinner with

544
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 1: you know. But but after a while it became natural

545
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,760
Speaker 1: and this is now what she thinks as her new normal.

546
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: So great. You know, do you have any regrets at

547
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,080
Speaker 1: all with anything that you've done parenting wise that you

548
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: were like, man, I wish I could go back. Is

549
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: it the not yet? Is it screaming or is it

550
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 1: you know, is there something that's really You kind of

551
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: think back and you're like, oh, that kind of stings

552
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 1: a little. Oh god, yes, I mean our fights got

553
00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:21,040
Speaker 1: intense and I was so naive at the time. I

554
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 1: hadn't done any research and I just didn't know. But

555
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 1: you know, I write for like Oprah magazine. You think

556
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 1: I'd know this crap, but I didn't. It was like,

557
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,000
Speaker 1: we're damaging her and we didn't know, and we would

558
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: we would do the classic thing. We would sit and

559
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: watch we all three, you would watch Tree George and

560
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: we would fight over her big toddler head and I

561
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,200
Speaker 1: would think, you know, she doesn't know what we're doing.

562
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,400
Speaker 1: She has no idea, and she did know, and like

563
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 1: you know, babies brains they're measured. Um, I know you

564
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 1: had an expert talking about this, but like they react to.

565
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: They have a stress response to the tone of your voice.

566
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 1: Because I was thinking, our baby doesn't understand English. You know,

567
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 1: we can fight, I could, she doesn't know the word

568
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 1: dick head, and she was thinking I see now I

569
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,360
Speaker 1: am eating up with regret because that's what we do, right.

570
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 1: We feel guilty and I'm thinking, like, why did we

571
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 1: do it? Why didn't I treat him with respect? It's

572
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: her father and another thing that I feel guilty about.

573
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:16,120
Speaker 1: As I was doing the classic thing where if you

574
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 1: thought the night before, at lunch or breakfast the next day,

575
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 1: I would be like a little chilly with Tom, but

576
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 1: super sweet to Sylvie, my daughter, so it would be like, yeah, okay,

577
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 1: are you taking her to school or what? Like what's

578
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: the deal? And then to her I would be like medius, okay,

579
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 1: you know well, and I that that really bothers me

580
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 1: that I did that, you know, but what can you do? Well,

581
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: here's here's the reason. Here's why I said that and

582
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 1: asked you that is because we all wish we could

583
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 1: maybe go back. I wish there was plenty of arguments

584
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:53,040
Speaker 1: that I wish we could go back and redo and

585
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,720
Speaker 1: have it in our room and not have the kids witness.

586
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 1: But that's just the thing where Mom's we're doing our

587
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: best and we're learning, and that's like the you know,

588
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 1: that's the best we can do. So yes, and like

589
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 1: and really they don't if if you want to, you know,

590
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,240
Speaker 1: I've quitted Sylvie. I've remember we got her tickets to

591
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 1: the circus in the front row. There was practice. She

592
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 1: was practically riding an elephant at the circus. Right. She

593
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,360
Speaker 1: doesn't remember it at all. And I took at a

594
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 1: second mortgage to get those circus tickets, and like every

595
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 1: time I asked her about stuff like this, I'm like, oh,

596
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,440
Speaker 1: if you don't remember like the circus, then you maybe

597
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: you don't remember us fighting. And I just try to

598
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 1: like give myself a break, which is another thing, you know,

599
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,880
Speaker 1: like that. That's another thing that threw a lot of therapy.

600
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 1: You know. I remember when therapist said to me, when

601
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,560
Speaker 1: you're getting down on yourself, how do you talk to yourself?

602
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:42,800
Speaker 1: Like what do you call yourself? Or what do you say?

603
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: And it's that self talking. I was I realized that

604
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: not only was that not being nice, it wasn't being

605
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 1: nice to me. She said like, well what do you

606
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: call yourself? And again I'm from New Jersey, so I

607
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 1: would say like, oh, I don't know. I'll say like, oh,

608
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,080
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have done that, you you stupid bitch. And

609
00:31:55,120 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 1: she's like, well you, uh huh, why would do that?

610
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 1: Why would you do that? And you know, she even

611
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 1: taught me this corny little thing that I do now

612
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 1: when I'm feeling anxious. She said, hold your own hand,

613
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:12,600
Speaker 1: you know, remind yourself that you're on your own side.

614
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 1: And you know I do that too. I try to

615
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 1: not not. It's hard, though, isn't it. I mean, it's hard,

616
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:21,160
Speaker 1: don't don't you find like both of you, it's just

617
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: it's hard not to look back. But but what can

618
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 1: you do? And you do a better job going forward?

619
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 1: I you know, it's like what Oprah says, you know better,

620
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 1: you do better now. I do know better since I

621
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 1: researched all this stuff in the book, So I do better,

622
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 1: you know. I have a question about another one of

623
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 1: your books, Jancy, the one why is my mother getting

624
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,959
Speaker 1: a tattoo? And other questions I wish I never had

625
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,760
Speaker 1: an answer. So was that an actual question you had

626
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 1: to answer? Mike, listen to this. We're all Thanksgiving and

627
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 1: my mother she's um Southern. She grew up in Alabama.

628
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,160
Speaker 1: She was a beauty queen mother and bell. She was

629
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: the Azalea trail Aid of Mobile, Alabama. And she she

630
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 1: wears pink table mit sweaters and she belongs to the

631
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 1: Garden Club. Right, so we're all eating and she says,

632
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,960
Speaker 1: I have an announcement. I'm gonna get a tattoo. She

633
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:13,600
Speaker 1: was sixty eight at the time, So all of this,

634
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,800
Speaker 1: like did this thing where the fork is in midair

635
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 1: when we're eating. We're like, what you just say? And

636
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 1: and I worked at Rolling Stone for many years. I

637
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: don't have a tattoo. And and so she said, I

638
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 1: want to Raven on my wrist. She went and got.

639
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:29,959
Speaker 1: I mean I supervised it because I'm like, oh, well,

640
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 1: I'll write about this if nothing else. You know, my

641
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: dad was horrified. And we went to a big tattoo

642
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,520
Speaker 1: parlor and we got she got a big black tattoo

643
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 1: of a raven. It's maybe like three inches. And I said,

644
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,479
Speaker 1: why a raven. She's like, I just like Ravens. I'm not,

645
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: it's not about ed grow and Poe. I just like Ravens.

646
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 1: I was like, all right, So now you know she's

647
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 1: almost seventy eight, and she loves going to like Target

648
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,840
Speaker 1: and like reaching out with the credit cards so that

649
00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,240
Speaker 1: people can see that big black raven poking out of

650
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 1: her pink cable sweater rocking streak that I never knew about.

651
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,799
Speaker 1: It's still weird to me out a little bit, but um,

652
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:12,240
Speaker 1: but yeah, you never know what people are gonna do, right, Yeah,

653
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,359
Speaker 1: And it's I'm interested. I was wondering, you know where

654
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 1: that story was personal for you, because I mean that's

655
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,200
Speaker 1: something Janna and I are going to have to talk

656
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,879
Speaker 1: about with our kids. And it's interesting because we both

657
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: have a lot of tattoos. I mean, I have a

658
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,120
Speaker 1: full sleeve that I've been working on, and so I

659
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: know that it's inevitable the kids already noticing them. But

660
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 1: I already feel myself not being a hypocrite, really, But

661
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,839
Speaker 1: so I have a brother that's fourteen years younger than

662
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,120
Speaker 1: me and the same parents everything. He was just a

663
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 1: nice little surprise in addition to the family. He's a

664
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 1: freshman in college right now. He got his first tattoo

665
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: actually with Janna and I. He came out to l

666
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,040
Speaker 1: a last year when he was eighteen. He already got

667
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: a second one and even the part of me like,

668
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:59,320
Speaker 1: because we're so far apart, I feel like another parent almost.

669
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,600
Speaker 1: At the same time time, I kind of want to

670
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,759
Speaker 1: be like, hey, man, like, why don't you slow it

671
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,799
Speaker 1: down a little bit? You're still young, you know. But

672
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 1: here I am with all tatted up, and yeah, there's

673
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: not much I can really say so, but I'm already

674
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 1: anticipating that that, you know, interaction with my children where

675
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,719
Speaker 1: it's just like I can't really see anything. But I'm

676
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 1: just gonna try to at least push them along to

677
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 1: wait later on in their life so they know for sure.

678
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:33,759
Speaker 1: My goal is to get them to twenty six. Okay,

679
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: twenty six. But when Mike, when did you have do

680
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,480
Speaker 1: your very first tattoo? How old were you? I was

681
00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:45,439
Speaker 1: in college. I was probably nineteen, okay nineteen. That's kind

682
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:47,359
Speaker 1: of when you know your own mind, right, I mean,

683
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,319
Speaker 1: looking back, was that the right was it? Was it

684
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:53,240
Speaker 1: a design you still like or was it a good decision? Yeah,

685
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 1: there's I don't have anything on me that I necessarily

686
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 1: regret from that standpoint, from from the purpose or from

687
00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:04,279
Speaker 1: getting them, but it's still still you grow, you you

688
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:08,720
Speaker 1: things change in your life, so to get something that's

689
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:13,800
Speaker 1: particular for one situation, especially if it's words, it's difficult

690
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,560
Speaker 1: to turn that into something else. So it's just one

691
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,640
Speaker 1: of those things that reading that title of that book

692
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,840
Speaker 1: just kind of brought up from me. Where you know,

693
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,400
Speaker 1: we all have we're all going to be hypocrites at

694
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,719
Speaker 1: some point as parents, right, we're gonna say, hey, don't

695
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,440
Speaker 1: drink and tell you're this age, don't try we eat

696
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,400
Speaker 1: and tell you this that you know, any of that stuff,

697
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 1: when really we might have done it way before that.

698
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 1: I still don't know how to frame it though. Have

699
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 1: you Have you guys talked about how you're going to

700
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,000
Speaker 1: when they get older, how you're going to do something

701
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 1: like drinking, because again, my daughter is going to be

702
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:46,840
Speaker 1: eleven in May, and I don't know how much to share.

703
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 1: I'm now a't that like, I'm sure it seems so

704
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:51,839
Speaker 1: far off to the two of you, right, but like

705
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: we have to get an alignment Tommy about what we're

706
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 1: going to share, and I just don't know. And also,

707
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: jes you ever had any drinks or drunks or any

708
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:05,919
Speaker 1: you were like totally clean in high school? Right? But yes,

709
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,040
Speaker 1: the only reason is I truly believe is because my

710
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:12,719
Speaker 1: parents because well my mom, my mom was like, you

711
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:15,319
Speaker 1: want a wine cooler? And when I'm fifteen, and I

712
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,880
Speaker 1: was like sure, like I'll have a sip of it,

713
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 1: so I didn't feel like I had to hide it,

714
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,640
Speaker 1: you know. And when I'm at my friend's house where

715
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,000
Speaker 1: my friends came over, it was a key basket and hey,

716
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: if you're going to drink, you're gonna do it here

717
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 1: and you're not leaving, and everyone's staying. And at that

718
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 1: time there wasn't any ubers or whatever, so everyone stayed

719
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:34,359
Speaker 1: at the house, but no one was getting drunk because

720
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:35,880
Speaker 1: it was just it was so cool with my mom,

721
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: let us have a wine cooler. So for me, in

722
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 1: my opinion, it's you know, I don't want them to

723
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:43,600
Speaker 1: fear it because then they're going to hide it. I

724
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,359
Speaker 1: want them. I want them to be able to be like, hey,

725
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 1: if you're going to have a sip, you know, do

726
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,480
Speaker 1: it with me and you can try it. But after that,

727
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:54,319
Speaker 1: like I'm not your buddy, buddy, Like we're not gonna

728
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 1: sit here and have a drink. You're not gonna finish it.

729
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 1: I'll give you a sip of it if you want

730
00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,480
Speaker 1: to taste it, but you have to be responsible about

731
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:02,359
Speaker 1: it too, and will never we will never be that

732
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:06,000
Speaker 1: house where oh we can go over to the Carson's

733
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 1: house and when we're sixteen and week are on all

734
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,080
Speaker 1: the drink there because the parents don't care. That ain't

735
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 1: never happen. No, no, no, no, But I just I still,

736
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,040
Speaker 1: you know, if if she wants to try a sip,

737
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let her have a sip and then I'm

738
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,479
Speaker 1: going to educate or like, hey, you know, I don't

739
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:21,280
Speaker 1: you know, she's definitely not going to have a glass

740
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: of wine, you know, at the house. But at the

741
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,320
Speaker 1: same time, if she isn't a senior in high school,

742
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:26,719
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna let her have a glass of wine

743
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 1: with me when she's a senior, because I know they're

744
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:32,399
Speaker 1: all probably getting they're eighteen years old. I know it's

745
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 1: not legal. But at the same time, I'm like, I

746
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:36,799
Speaker 1: didn't really drink in high school. I mean I didn't either,

747
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 1: But you know, if they're going to my mom, like

748
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 1: I had, I had a margarita with my mom and

749
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 1: when I was a senior year when I was senior,

750
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 1: like my graduation party had a margarita. Scandalous, scandalous, But

751
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 1: my thing is like the vaping and stuff. But I

752
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: don't know what the kids are going to get into

753
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,880
Speaker 1: in ten years. I don't know what's going to be

754
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,400
Speaker 1: worse now. But right now, drugs are really big issue

755
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 1: in middle school, which I'm like, middle school, I'm like, what,

756
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 1: that's going to be really hard because I'm just like,

757
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 1: don't touch it, don't do it. Don't you know that's

758
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:12,440
Speaker 1: not it's not good. I mean, either's drinking. But in

759
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: that case, do you think you would be so drinking?

760
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,760
Speaker 1: You're right, it's so prevalent, it's in so many different

761
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,680
Speaker 1: it's all over the place, you know, with everyone. So

762
00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:24,319
Speaker 1: you feel like to remove the taboo and make it

763
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: not some secretive, alluring thing. I would want to say, Yeah,

764
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: I would. I think what I would want to say,

765
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 1: And again, I have ten years to or fifty eleven,

766
00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: twelve years figure this out until she gets to that

767
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 1: fifteen sixteen range. But I'll be like, you know, I

768
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:40,560
Speaker 1: I would ask that you don't drink um when you're

769
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,439
Speaker 1: at a friend's party, if people are drinking, I would

770
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 1: ask that you call me um because I'd love to

771
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:49,800
Speaker 1: you know, no, And also if you want me to

772
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: come pick you up, because you feel uncomfortable, and if

773
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 1: you're wanting to try a glass of wine, I'll give

774
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 1: you one sip and you're probably gonna hate the taste

775
00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,239
Speaker 1: of it. But because I remember at six sean I

776
00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: didn't like I didn't like the taste of it. My

777
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 1: mom gave it to me. But I'm not gonna I'm

778
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 1: not gonna. I'm gonna tell her like you're not going

779
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:07,879
Speaker 1: to get in trouble. I want you to call me

780
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 1: if the parties and they're drinking, but just know that

781
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:13,879
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know, I don't know. I feel

782
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:16,360
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna keep being a hypocrite. I have no idea.

783
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,800
Speaker 1: Let's just be honest with no clue what I'm gonna do.

784
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,640
Speaker 1: But I just don't want her to be scared of it,

785
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,080
Speaker 1: because you're gonna cross that bridge way before we do,

786
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 1: so you tell us, And honestly, I just don't want.

787
00:40:26,719 --> 00:40:28,720
Speaker 1: I'm just what I don't want to say is don't

788
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:31,719
Speaker 1: ever touch that. Don't But again with drugs, I'm gonna

789
00:40:31,719 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 1: say that, don't ever touch that. So that's why I

790
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,680
Speaker 1: feel like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm like, I'm

791
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,920
Speaker 1: gonna say, don't ever touch drugs and then they're going

792
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 1: to be like terrified of it, which is good. But

793
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 1: then isn't that the same thing with alcohol. I don't know,

794
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what the answer. You

795
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 1: didn't drink in high school really either? Right? Is it

796
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: because you were, you know, an athlete and or just

797
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:56,840
Speaker 1: an interest to you or I just always want the

798
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: secrets of everybody that didn't really do it too much?

799
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,240
Speaker 1: Both was well, it was a it was a triple threat.

800
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: It was just wasn't that interested I it was because

801
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 1: of sports. And then also my parents were kind of

802
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: put the fear of God into me at the same time.

803
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,799
Speaker 1: But having said that, my parents also understood that I

804
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 1: was a young kid and if the off chance I

805
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,800
Speaker 1: did drink, call us. We will pick you up wherever

806
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:29,399
Speaker 1: you're at. Just don't ever drive home. So it's like

807
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:33,960
Speaker 1: they said, very firmly, like you're not twenty one, don't drink.

808
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 1: But at the side of their mouth, it's like, but

809
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:39,840
Speaker 1: call us, call us if you need us, you know

810
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 1: what I mean. So, yeah, but why weren't you interested?

811
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 1: You said you weren't that interested. How come it didn't

812
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 1: hold an appeal for you? Um? I don't know. I

813
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,360
Speaker 1: really don't know. I don't know. I think it was

814
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:56,560
Speaker 1: just you see some people who act that way, and

815
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 1: I just wasn't about that. I've always been more of

816
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:04,360
Speaker 1: a kind of calm, cool, collected type of person. Um.

817
00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:06,120
Speaker 1: So yeah, I just I don't know. I just never

818
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:10,720
Speaker 1: really did. But let us know when you figure out. Chancey. Um, seriously,

819
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,880
Speaker 1: we appreciate you so much. You've got some amazing books

820
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:19,120
Speaker 1: out there. Where can our listeners um find you? Um My,

821
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:22,920
Speaker 1: my website is just Chancey done dot net. Somebody's parked

822
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,560
Speaker 1: on calm so I have net Chancy done dot net

823
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 1: and you know I'm on Instagram and so on and

824
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:31,240
Speaker 1: so forth. Okay, well you're the best, um, and everyone

825
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:33,920
Speaker 1: go get how to Not Hate your Husband after Kids.

826
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:38,280
Speaker 1: Amazing title, amazing book. Appreciate it so much, Chancey, Thanks Chancy,

827
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:51,160
Speaker 1: thanks for having me. Bye bye. Man. She was like,

828
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:53,919
Speaker 1: I love that she loved the podcast. I was gonna

829
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 1: say she was actually a fan. That was awesome. She's

830
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:58,279
Speaker 1: actually a fan, you know. I love during that whole

831
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 1: conversation how she made the point to be like, well,

832
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: I didn't want to title the book like how to

833
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:05,839
Speaker 1: Love your Husband After Kids? Because that's boring. I was like, yes,

834
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 1: very good point. You're right, no one would buy that.

835
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,200
Speaker 1: It's true though the title like you really have to

836
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:14,760
Speaker 1: like really grab you, you know, because I probably wouldn't

837
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,319
Speaker 1: have bought that either. But how not to hate your

838
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 1: husband after kids? Perfect? Tell me everything. No, that was

839
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:22,840
Speaker 1: a lot of fun. I think there's a lot of

840
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,360
Speaker 1: good stuff in that book, and you know, looking forward

841
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:29,560
Speaker 1: to reading it and hopefully others do too. Yes, I agree,

842
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: we should read it together. It is tough as a

843
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: husband after kids. You do kind of feel in the

844
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,440
Speaker 1: way a lot of the time. We feel like You're

845
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,480
Speaker 1: like I don't feel like, um, I want to be helping,

846
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: but I don't feel like I'm helping. I feel like

847
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,440
Speaker 1: I'm just causing problems. Question though for you, because this

848
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:46,400
Speaker 1: kind of came up during a tour the tour of

849
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,160
Speaker 1: this past weekend. One of the couples that came on

850
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:52,919
Speaker 1: stage was like it, are you asking for help? Though?

851
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 1: Are you? I mean, are you asking to help or no?

852
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:58,520
Speaker 1: Am I asking to help? Or am I just trying

853
00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 1: to help? The difference? Huh, Yeah, probably a little of both,

854
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,480
Speaker 1: but asking is probably going smoother, especially if I'm there

855
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,319
Speaker 1: on a weekday morning, oh man, because they've got it down.

856
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 1: They've got a science and dad's around. So it's like

857
00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 1: kids getting the weekend mode because dad's here, and so

858
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,880
Speaker 1: they're slower going around and I'm in the way in

859
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:15,759
Speaker 1: the kitchen. So I's got it. It's really that's when

860
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,080
Speaker 1: it's really ugly. But yes, I should ask more rather

861
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 1: than just try because you don't know what is needed. Yes,

862
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:25,879
Speaker 1: I can concur to that. Okay, good, I think that's

863
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,959
Speaker 1: a I think that's a solid note that I also

864
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 1: learned because it's one guy that came on stage. He

865
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:32,719
Speaker 1: you know, he would go to work with then he'd

866
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 1: come home and cut the grass. Now in his mind

867
00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 1: he's thinking, well, I'm cutting the grass, so I'm helping

868
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,040
Speaker 1: her out by cutting the grass. But maybe that's not

869
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,239
Speaker 1: what she really needs in that moment. Maybe she needs

870
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:43,880
Speaker 1: help because she's been home all day with the kids

871
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 1: or needs a second to p by herself. So instead

872
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 1: of going straight out to the grass, maybe he could

873
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 1: come in and say, hey, how can I help you.

874
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,799
Speaker 1: I know you've had the kids all day. I want

875
00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:53,400
Speaker 1: to go cut the grass, but do you need a

876
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 1: few minutes or can I help you do this. I

877
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:57,439
Speaker 1: don't know. I think that just goes a long way.

878
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:02,759
Speaker 1: We've gotten better at that. We didn't this morning, but no,

879
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: we didn't. But everyone, I just got out in my

880
00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:15,080
Speaker 1: smart food white Cheddar popcorn and I'm ready to hear this.

881
00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 1: Tell me more. Yeah, Easton's rubbing his hands. Yeah. No,

882
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 1: we didn't handle it well this morning. I don't know

883
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:33,800
Speaker 1: if we we know don't. I could have said things differently,

884
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:37,240
Speaker 1: but I did not. I did not raise my voice

885
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 1: and get on my high horse. I tried to do

886
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:49,759
Speaker 1: the safe talk process. Men defensive, we typically accelerate things,

887
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 1: can accelerate things because of our defensiveness or temperas or whatever.

888
00:45:57,120 --> 00:46:00,120
Speaker 1: And so yes, I could have handled myself in a

889
00:46:00,200 --> 00:46:07,640
Speaker 1: calmer manner, and I'm still trying. Mm hmm. I also

890
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,319
Speaker 1: felt like you were being passive. So here's the deal.

891
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:18,560
Speaker 1: So I already answered a question. Can I see? Yes? Okay,

892
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,200
Speaker 1: So let me just lay out the scene for you

893
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:25,439
Speaker 1: and we can get perspective. And it's fine either way.

894
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 1: So last night when we were going to bed, um,

895
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:36,040
Speaker 1: we're kind of planning out the day and jas has

896
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 1: um my gym at nine in the morning, and Jolie

897
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:43,440
Speaker 1: usually goes to school around between eight and thirty. I

898
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,600
Speaker 1: dropped off at eight. He's usually around eight thirty, and

899
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,080
Speaker 1: so I was like, okay, well, um, you know, I'll

900
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:51,280
Speaker 1: just get the kids or I'll take Jeweler to school

901
00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:52,439
Speaker 1: in the morning and then I'll go to my gym

902
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 1: with with Jason. And that was just kind of like okay,

903
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,680
Speaker 1: not a real big discussion, but just I did say that.

904
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,440
Speaker 1: So in the morning, Um, when I got up, I

905
00:47:01,520 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: was just like Jolie. I was like, hey, Jolie, who

906
00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:05,600
Speaker 1: do you or no, I said, I didn't say, I

907
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 1: didn't ask her. I was like, hey, Daddy's gonna take

908
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 1: you to school. Mommy's going to pick you up. And

909
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 1: then then he says, actually, Jolie, mommy is gonna take

910
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:15,200
Speaker 1: you to school and Dady's gonna pick you up. And

911
00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 1: but in the because um, that's what mommy said last night,

912
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:22,960
Speaker 1: And then I said, do you mind taking her? And

913
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:26,600
Speaker 1: then I can just take Jace to um to my gym,

914
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 1: and he was like And how I received it was

915
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:34,759
Speaker 1: he was like, yeah, that's fine, but like his response

916
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: kind of made it seem like it wasn't fine. So

917
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: I already know how to astricting that because there's something

918
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,839
Speaker 1: that I know I could have done better. Okay, let

919
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 1: me ask you that. Let me just continue within story that.

920
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:49,719
Speaker 1: So I just felt like this really weird energy. So

921
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:53,879
Speaker 1: as I'm getting you know, Jace his blueberries, I say

922
00:47:53,880 --> 00:47:56,839
Speaker 1: to him because I'm uncomfortable. In my head, I make

923
00:47:56,920 --> 00:47:59,960
Speaker 1: up that he's annoyed that I asked him to take Joel.

924
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 1: But in my head, I'm like, well, last week we

925
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:05,080
Speaker 1: split duties. You took Jolie and I took or I

926
00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 1: took Julia school. You took Jace to my gym and

927
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:08,840
Speaker 1: I And in my head I'm like, well, he doesn't

928
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:12,239
Speaker 1: have anything going on this morning, so like we'll do

929
00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:14,319
Speaker 1: the same thing we did last week. So like, go,

930
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:17,440
Speaker 1: team go. So I say, in a very nice place,

931
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:21,560
Speaker 1: I say, I mean, it's it's good right that you

932
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:24,360
Speaker 1: know you're you're taking Jolia to school and I'm taking Jason.

933
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 1: I mean, because you know you don't have anything else

934
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 1: going on today. So I just figured, you know, teamwork. Yeah,

935
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:32,959
Speaker 1: And then I didn't get the response like ya, team

936
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:35,720
Speaker 1: work back, So I was like, did I do something

937
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 1: wrong to upset you? And he's like then he got

938
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 1: defensive and angry about well, yeah, like, you know, why

939
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:46,319
Speaker 1: not Originally in the moment is sometimes like you were

940
00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:48,720
Speaker 1: passive and I was like, wait, how was I passive?

941
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 1: He's like you were passive when he made the comment

942
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:52,920
Speaker 1: about I didn't have anything to do, and I was like,

943
00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:54,680
Speaker 1: oh no. I was like, I'm sorry you took it

944
00:48:54,719 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 1: that way, and I kept saying I'm sorry you took

945
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:59,440
Speaker 1: it that way. I just was uncomfortable, and that's on me.

946
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:02,520
Speaker 1: I should have said, but I did end up saying like,

947
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:04,560
Speaker 1: did I you know, did I do something wrong to

948
00:49:04,640 --> 00:49:07,759
Speaker 1: upset you? And he got really upset and he still

949
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 1: kept calling me passive, and in my mind, I'm like,

950
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:12,440
Speaker 1: there is a difference between passive and that was just

951
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:14,880
Speaker 1: I was just And then I did the whole safe

952
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: talk thing that our therapist tells us to do. I said,

953
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,240
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you felt like I was being passive.

954
00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 1: The story I made up in my head was that

955
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:25,000
Speaker 1: you didn't want to take Jolie, so my uncomfortable et

956
00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:27,040
Speaker 1: nous made me want to be like, well, I mean

957
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: you're not doing anything, so it's all good, right, like teamwork.

958
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:33,359
Speaker 1: And then when you said no, then I asked you,

959
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,800
Speaker 1: is everything okay? And then clearly it wasn't okay because

960
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:41,719
Speaker 1: you responded with like being angry. And then it got

961
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,280
Speaker 1: even worse because he kept going and I'm like, Michael,

962
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:46,920
Speaker 1: I like again, I'm not saying I wasn't trying to.

963
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:49,520
Speaker 1: I'm just blah blah blah blah blah. Well you said

964
00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:50,719
Speaker 1: that you were going to take her in the morning.

965
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:54,200
Speaker 1: I'm like again, I'm so sorry. And he just kept going.

966
00:49:54,239 --> 00:49:56,560
Speaker 1: And this is where sometimes I just want to like

967
00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:58,960
Speaker 1: like wring your neck. But then I was like, you

968
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:00,840
Speaker 1: know what, never mind, I'll take to It's fine, I

969
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 1: have time. And then he picks up Joeli and he goes, no, Jolie,

970
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:07,440
Speaker 1: no Jolie, mommy can't take you because she can't do

971
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:09,760
Speaker 1: uh what would you say? It was kind of crappy.

972
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:13,479
Speaker 1: I'll let you say that one. No Jolie, mommy can't

973
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 1: take you because because Daddy wants you. And oh my god,

974
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:22,879
Speaker 1: it's not what you said. You said, no Jolie because

975
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: mommy can't like do you know two things at one

976
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:28,480
Speaker 1: or something like that, like mommy can't handle taking both

977
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:30,560
Speaker 1: of you. And it was a total job, and it

978
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:32,400
Speaker 1: was there was a job, and that was wrong with me.

979
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:38,000
Speaker 1: I was really frustrated. Um, and it just yes, I

980
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:44,120
Speaker 1: could have had better control on my part for me, like,

981
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,960
Speaker 1: I understand, I hear you when you say the story

982
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,960
Speaker 1: I made of my head, and I can understand your

983
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:51,839
Speaker 1: logic behind it. It's just in that moment as soon

984
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:53,879
Speaker 1: as you after I had already agreed like yeah, I'll

985
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:57,680
Speaker 1: take Jolie, like it's not a big deal, and then

986
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:00,440
Speaker 1: you had to make another comment, you know, five ten

987
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:03,759
Speaker 1: minutes later, about well it's okay that you take your

988
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:06,200
Speaker 1: right because you don't have anything going on. It just

989
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:09,680
Speaker 1: felt passive, like you're just trying to like justify me

990
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:11,759
Speaker 1: taking her when I had already said yeah, I'll take her.

991
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:15,560
Speaker 1: And then it was just like why is she taking

992
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:17,120
Speaker 1: a job? It felt like a job because I was like,

993
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:20,319
Speaker 1: why else would she be clarifying this, Why else would

994
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,080
Speaker 1: you feel the need to say something other than to

995
00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 1: be passive. Well, I get I'm sorry you took it

996
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,640
Speaker 1: that way. I really just was uncomfortable. What was the

997
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 1: you felt insulted by you've got nothing going on today?

998
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,359
Speaker 1: I felt that there's no it's more of just like,

999
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 1: well that's how you got angry. We're like, yeah, what

1000
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:37,440
Speaker 1: if I did want to do something. The more I

1001
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:39,839
Speaker 1: work up it was. It was more about the fact

1002
00:51:39,920 --> 00:51:43,359
Speaker 1: that that felt so passive because I already agreed, like, yeah,

1003
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:47,600
Speaker 1: I'll take her. And then it's like to make a

1004
00:51:47,719 --> 00:51:51,640
Speaker 1: comment that felt passive, especially when you say something like, well,

1005
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:53,760
Speaker 1: it's not like you have got anything going on this morning.

1006
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,840
Speaker 1: But that's how I receive it when you talk about

1007
00:51:56,920 --> 00:52:02,839
Speaker 1: nothing going on. Yes, it was what you just asked, Mark, Yeah,

1008
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,640
Speaker 1: and I get that. I think that, like and I

1009
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:07,879
Speaker 1: think I'm guilty of this too, sometimes where my wife

1010
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 1: would say something like that that is totally innocuous, but

1011
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,600
Speaker 1: I take it as a slight and also I take

1012
00:52:12,640 --> 00:52:16,520
Speaker 1: it as in my mind, if I have nothing going

1013
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:19,040
Speaker 1: on that day, I'm scheduling things in my head. Okay

1014
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:20,600
Speaker 1: today I can do this, I do this, I can

1015
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,839
Speaker 1: do this, so that when my wife says, you've got

1016
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:25,360
Speaker 1: nothing going on today, I'm like, is my stuff not important?

1017
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:27,759
Speaker 1: She doesn't know any of that stuff that's in my head,

1018
00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:29,760
Speaker 1: you know, So like I do, I get my dander

1019
00:52:29,840 --> 00:52:32,279
Speaker 1: up to I get that. I see where that's coming from. Right,

1020
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:34,759
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying either of you is a fault

1021
00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:36,880
Speaker 1: in any way. I totally just I could I would

1022
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,080
Speaker 1: have also taken that the same way, even though Jane,

1023
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,360
Speaker 1: I know you didn't mean anything by that. Yeah, I

1024
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:43,800
Speaker 1: truly didn't, because I'm like, I know when I'm being passive,

1025
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:46,960
Speaker 1: but I'm like, I can't I can keep saying I'm

1026
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,440
Speaker 1: sorry that you felt like I was being passive. I

1027
00:52:49,480 --> 00:52:51,239
Speaker 1: just felt uncomfortable. And then I was just like trying

1028
00:52:51,239 --> 00:52:54,160
Speaker 1: to be like, we're teamwork, we got this together. And

1029
00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:57,560
Speaker 1: then when I still didn't feel that same excitement, I

1030
00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:59,680
Speaker 1: was just like, what did I do wrong? And then

1031
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:01,120
Speaker 1: when I asked you what I did wrong? It was

1032
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:02,719
Speaker 1: just like a war. And then I was like, wait,

1033
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,239
Speaker 1: why couldn't we communicate from a better place? And I

1034
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,279
Speaker 1: continue to communicate from a good place, but you were

1035
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:10,760
Speaker 1: So that's what's frustrating from me because I'm like, why

1036
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:14,160
Speaker 1: why does it have to go? Because I feel like

1037
00:53:14,239 --> 00:53:17,000
Speaker 1: lately it's been kind of like you're not communicating from

1038
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:18,880
Speaker 1: a good place when we get to that part and

1039
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:21,080
Speaker 1: I have to be the one to control my anger,

1040
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 1: but yet you've been able to have your anger the

1041
00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:35,520
Speaker 1: past few times, and it's frustrating. I hear you. Mark

1042
00:53:35,719 --> 00:53:45,239
Speaker 1: is like laughing right now. That was a very very pregnant. Pause. Um, yeah,

1043
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:51,239
Speaker 1: I mean I don't really have an explanation for it.

1044
00:53:51,239 --> 00:53:53,240
Speaker 1: It's I mean, people, you know, you go in waves

1045
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:55,960
Speaker 1: emotionally about things. Sometimes you you know things better than others.

1046
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:59,759
Speaker 1: But yeah, I just it's just practice. I gotta get

1047
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:08,359
Speaker 1: better consistently, you know, talking from a better place. Uh

1048
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:15,640
Speaker 1: huh what. I just it's just frustrating because we've you know,

1049
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:18,359
Speaker 1: went to that couple's intensive and every instant since then

1050
00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:23,880
Speaker 1: that has you've had an a chance to you haven't

1051
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:28,439
Speaker 1: when we've gotten into that heated argument, like you've gotten

1052
00:54:28,480 --> 00:54:30,719
Speaker 1: super different. So it's just it's just it's honestly, like

1053
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,600
Speaker 1: just being super honest. It's starting to like really frustrate

1054
00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:35,719
Speaker 1: me because it's like in my mind, I'm just like, well,

1055
00:54:35,719 --> 00:54:39,040
Speaker 1: this is so unfair. I you know, I'm like keeping

1056
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,239
Speaker 1: my you know, doing what they're telling me to do,

1057
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:45,600
Speaker 1: and then I keep wanting you to meet me halfway

1058
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,000
Speaker 1: and do the same thing back. I was frustrated too,

1059
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:51,799
Speaker 1: you know, and so I just it's just been the

1060
00:54:51,840 --> 00:54:54,280
Speaker 1: past few times that we've gotten to arguments, you haven't

1061
00:54:54,600 --> 00:54:56,800
Speaker 1: met me there, and then that's just I'm getting frustrated

1062
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 1: for sure. Do you any methods Mike for like for

1063
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:04,399
Speaker 1: that sort of thing. Because I've found myself I've had

1064
00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:07,400
Speaker 1: to really focus because I will lose my temper with

1065
00:55:07,440 --> 00:55:10,000
Speaker 1: the kids, and I really really really wanted to stop

1066
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:13,160
Speaker 1: doing that, even though one of the kids really seems

1067
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:16,400
Speaker 1: to um have that be her goal sometimes is for

1068
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:19,399
Speaker 1: me to lose my temper. So I really really try.

1069
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:20,919
Speaker 1: And one thing I did is I put a note

1070
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,120
Speaker 1: in my and I'm not recommending this, everybody is different,

1071
00:55:23,120 --> 00:55:24,560
Speaker 1: but I put a note in my phone and said

1072
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:28,240
Speaker 1: November six, because I lost it on November six, and

1073
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,439
Speaker 1: and so now whenever I feel it's starting to rage

1074
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:32,640
Speaker 1: up inside of me, I think November six, I gotta

1075
00:55:32,719 --> 00:55:35,040
Speaker 1: keep that as the date, you know. I I don't

1076
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,160
Speaker 1: want to start that time or over again. I've made

1077
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:40,839
Speaker 1: it this far. And then I just breathe, and I

1078
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 1: just try not to give a crap, which is not

1079
00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:46,120
Speaker 1: easy to do when you're feeling disrespected, when you feel

1080
00:55:46,160 --> 00:55:48,520
Speaker 1: like a terrible parent, when you feel like your kids

1081
00:55:48,560 --> 00:55:51,560
Speaker 1: are just out of control. It's really hard to keep that.

1082
00:55:51,600 --> 00:55:54,120
Speaker 1: But I really try to focus on November six, which

1083
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:56,799
Speaker 1: by the way, is now February. Because I had to

1084
00:55:56,800 --> 00:56:00,640
Speaker 1: restart the timer, I love that though. I think that's

1085
00:56:00,640 --> 00:56:04,279
Speaker 1: such a and I try to keep my manter in

1086
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:06,319
Speaker 1: my head is d GAFF. That's my mantra in my head.

1087
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:08,880
Speaker 1: I keep saying d dcaf dcaf DCAFF, which stands for

1088
00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:11,840
Speaker 1: it don't give an F. And I'd really try to

1089
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:17,080
Speaker 1: focus on that. That's good for me. It's similar in

1090
00:56:17,120 --> 00:56:20,520
Speaker 1: the sense of just I have to get out of

1091
00:56:20,520 --> 00:56:24,960
Speaker 1: the conversation on the earlier end done the later. So

1092
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:30,680
Speaker 1: I think, like today, you know. Yeah, her initially asking

1093
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,160
Speaker 1: me kind of caught me off guard because kind of

1094
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:34,880
Speaker 1: like you Mark, I'm in my head, I'm like, okay,

1095
00:56:34,960 --> 00:56:37,400
Speaker 1: I'm I'm getting up early. I'm going to get the

1096
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:39,840
Speaker 1: kids in the morning, you know, I told you, and

1097
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:42,560
Speaker 1: I'll to get Jace, okay. But she said she's taking

1098
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 1: them to school in my gym. So in my head,

1099
00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:49,640
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, once a thirty hits like, I'm good,

1100
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,880
Speaker 1: I can you know my work out, I'm gonna start laundry.

1101
00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:54,640
Speaker 1: We're just on the road for four days, like I

1102
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:56,959
Speaker 1: started in my head, just planning things I'm probably gonna

1103
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 1: do at this time. And then so yeah, my heasit

1104
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:04,120
Speaker 1: tation when she first asked me, it's just like, yeah, okay,

1105
00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:08,360
Speaker 1: sure it's something you said, but yeah, no problem. And

1106
00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:12,640
Speaker 1: then that when she said the thing around you know,

1107
00:57:12,719 --> 00:57:14,600
Speaker 1: it's not like you had anything else going on, and

1108
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:19,000
Speaker 1: then the third thing of it does it doesn't matter?

1109
00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:23,640
Speaker 1: And then the third thing of like, what's wrong? Are

1110
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:27,000
Speaker 1: you mad at me? It's like I didn't say anything

1111
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:30,400
Speaker 1: at those previous moments, even though maybe the very from

1112
00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:32,200
Speaker 1: the very first time she asked me, I had like

1113
00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:36,520
Speaker 1: a small inkling inclination of a feeling. I was like, okay,

1114
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:39,720
Speaker 1: I felt that, okay, I don't need to say anything

1115
00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:41,560
Speaker 1: about this right now. Let me just like sit on

1116
00:57:41,600 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 1: this and swall. I'm good. It's just for those reasons.

1117
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:46,920
Speaker 1: And then when the next thing came up that felt passive,

1118
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: I had some more and I reacted a little bit,

1119
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:52,760
Speaker 1: but I didn't really react react yet. And then finally

1120
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:55,960
Speaker 1: it's like she doesn't let it go, then has to say, well,

1121
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:57,840
Speaker 1: what's wrong with you? Like did I do something? And

1122
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:01,000
Speaker 1: then I'm like, I'm trying to not react to any

1123
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:03,480
Speaker 1: of this and come back to you. In my head,

1124
00:58:03,520 --> 00:58:05,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'll come back to you later on. But

1125
00:58:05,240 --> 00:58:08,560
Speaker 1: then I just she always it seemed like she just

1126
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,520
Speaker 1: had something else to like pull that to be like,

1127
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:14,840
Speaker 1: tell me what's going on? And I wasn't ready yet.

1128
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 1: But I also wasn't ready to say, look, i'm having

1129
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:20,120
Speaker 1: these feelings. I'd really like to come to you later.

1130
00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:25,160
Speaker 1: I was just like receiving them and letting them be

1131
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:28,720
Speaker 1: at that moment, and then I just kinda once another

1132
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:31,120
Speaker 1: thing was said or put or tugged at, I was

1133
00:58:31,160 --> 00:58:35,520
Speaker 1: just like, then I got defensive. That's interesting. I think

1134
00:58:35,560 --> 00:58:37,960
Speaker 1: that's interesting for anybody in a relationship. If you're getting

1135
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 1: that energy from your partner, what's the right thing to do.

1136
00:58:41,280 --> 00:58:43,160
Speaker 1: Is it to pursue it and say what's wrong witht's

1137
00:58:43,160 --> 00:58:44,680
Speaker 1: talk this out? Or is it to wait it out

1138
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:47,160
Speaker 1: because it's probably stupid and it'll go away in an hour.

1139
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:49,240
Speaker 1: And I'm not sure what the right answer is there,

1140
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:51,439
Speaker 1: because even Gene will get on me because she'll be like, Mike,

1141
00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:55,880
Speaker 1: just stop because I'll keep going times And so that's

1142
00:58:55,880 --> 00:58:59,280
Speaker 1: how I felt beforehand. But then just tell me to stop, right,

1143
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:00,760
Speaker 1: But that's all I'm saying, and I'm still trying to

1144
00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:03,080
Speaker 1: figure it out. It's not even it's not during it's

1145
00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:08,200
Speaker 1: like when you're when you're asking what's wrong or whatever

1146
00:59:08,400 --> 00:59:10,400
Speaker 1: I don't want to be like Janna just stop and

1147
00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:12,280
Speaker 1: you're like, wait, I'm just asking you questions like what,

1148
00:59:12,920 --> 00:59:14,800
Speaker 1: but you don't have the capacity to say, like, I

1149
00:59:14,840 --> 00:59:16,560
Speaker 1: don't have I have a feeling. I just let me

1150
00:59:16,600 --> 00:59:21,160
Speaker 1: work through it. I'm getting there. It's just hard when

1151
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:25,200
Speaker 1: it's like and I think market's it depends on the

1152
00:59:25,240 --> 00:59:28,680
Speaker 1: relationship really. I think you know, some people were at

1153
00:59:28,720 --> 00:59:32,400
Speaker 1: the time you're being crap, you know, like it's just

1154
00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:36,000
Speaker 1: the sensitivity that day, maybe right, because there have been

1155
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:37,520
Speaker 1: times that you said something I think you've read my

1156
00:59:37,600 --> 00:59:40,080
Speaker 1: energy and you haven't done anything and I've come to

1157
00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:44,520
Speaker 1: you or was like his energy says and then I

1158
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:46,320
Speaker 1: walked away because I'm like I didn't care, but I

1159
00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:50,280
Speaker 1: felt like I hurt him and somehow, So that's why

1160
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:53,040
Speaker 1: I kept kind of going like it would we cool,

1161
00:59:53,120 --> 00:59:55,560
Speaker 1: like teamwork were good, everything all right, like, and so

1162
00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:59,000
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to feel like that I like

1163
00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: upset him or hurt him or you know, or that

1164
01:00:02,120 --> 01:00:04,560
Speaker 1: he was mad at me because I asked him to

1165
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:09,040
Speaker 1: take Joli instead. Right, interesting, So it's just one of

1166
01:00:09,080 --> 01:00:11,360
Speaker 1: those things I think, at least for our relationship to

1167
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:15,400
Speaker 1: keep in mind where it's you know, you start to

1168
01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:17,680
Speaker 1: learn your partner enough to kind of you feel their

1169
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:20,880
Speaker 1: their energy. If you start to pull on that string

1170
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:25,240
Speaker 1: too much, it you'll cause a bigger issue than there

1171
01:00:25,240 --> 01:00:29,720
Speaker 1: actually is. I mean, I think next time, you know. Obviously,

1172
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,480
Speaker 1: the most ideal thing I could have done is, hey,

1173
01:00:32,760 --> 01:00:34,720
Speaker 1: I know you. I know I said last night that

1174
01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:38,400
Speaker 1: I would take Jolie, but do you mind taking And

1175
01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:41,720
Speaker 1: you know I said that, but not in that long form.

1176
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:43,560
Speaker 1: I said it like, hey, do you mind taking Jolie?

1177
01:00:44,080 --> 01:00:46,200
Speaker 1: But I think if I acknowledge, like, hey, I said this,

1178
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:49,320
Speaker 1: but do you mind, like did you have anything else planned?

1179
01:00:49,320 --> 01:00:52,120
Speaker 1: Like to be conscious of what he said? And so

1180
01:00:52,320 --> 01:00:53,960
Speaker 1: if in a perfect world I could have said that,

1181
01:00:54,040 --> 01:00:56,840
Speaker 1: but I still don't think it needed the like I

1182
01:00:56,880 --> 01:00:59,160
Speaker 1: didn't deserve the like no, And in the perfect world,

1183
01:00:59,240 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: I could have said, hey, uh, I'm having these feelings

1184
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:07,040
Speaker 1: come up after you ask me to take Jolie. You

1185
01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,560
Speaker 1: know it's not really anything, which also in this moment though,

1186
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:12,600
Speaker 1: I'll be fearful of because I feel like that would

1187
01:01:12,680 --> 01:01:16,240
Speaker 1: validate your fear of you bothering me with asking me

1188
01:01:16,280 --> 01:01:18,040
Speaker 1: to take Jolie. Would you know? I never care, That's

1189
01:01:18,040 --> 01:01:22,880
Speaker 1: the thing. I never care we split those duties. Yeah,

1190
01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:25,320
Speaker 1: I never care if I have both kids. I never

1191
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:27,040
Speaker 1: care if I have one kid. I never have Like,

1192
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:31,920
Speaker 1: I never complained about that. I think you can even

1193
01:01:31,960 --> 01:01:35,680
Speaker 1: back me up on that. I never complain about having

1194
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 1: the kids won both whatever, I just do it. So

1195
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:42,560
Speaker 1: I think, you know, it would have been hard in

1196
01:01:42,600 --> 01:01:45,200
Speaker 1: this moment, in this morning to navigate it a little

1197
01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:47,000
Speaker 1: bit better. But it's a learning thing and it's one

1198
01:01:47,000 --> 01:01:49,960
Speaker 1: of those things. It's like, all right, this happened. Ultimately,

1199
01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:51,840
Speaker 1: I am sorry for escalating it more than it had

1200
01:01:51,840 --> 01:01:55,080
Speaker 1: to be for sure, but uh, I mean that's part

1201
01:01:55,080 --> 01:02:01,680
Speaker 1: of our work and my work. M hm boom boom,

1202
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:08,880
Speaker 1: wind down. Well this is this is this. I think

1203
01:02:08,880 --> 01:02:10,840
Speaker 1: this is good. I think that I need a minute

1204
01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:13,320
Speaker 1: might be something in the future, although I'm not sure.

1205
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:15,520
Speaker 1: Sometimes you say I need a minute, that just creates

1206
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:20,640
Speaker 1: more questions. But um, but that might be something to try.

1207
01:02:21,040 --> 01:02:23,320
Speaker 1: I think I might try it myself. I do that

1208
01:02:23,640 --> 01:02:25,440
Speaker 1: I need a minute. I know that I'm a I'm

1209
01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:29,160
Speaker 1: a very cool, calm collected guy, but I can lose

1210
01:02:29,200 --> 01:02:34,840
Speaker 1: my temp uh there. You know, there's there's there's times where,

1211
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,760
Speaker 1: uh my wife will asked me to do you know,

1212
01:02:37,800 --> 01:02:39,479
Speaker 1: I was thinking about the like, if you had nothing

1213
01:02:39,520 --> 01:02:42,840
Speaker 1: going on today, uh something my wife will do sometimes

1214
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:45,000
Speaker 1: that She'll be like, hey, could you would you mind

1215
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:47,040
Speaker 1: taking out the garbage? And I said yes, and then

1216
01:02:47,080 --> 01:02:48,800
Speaker 1: she goes so that our house doesn't just fill up

1217
01:02:48,840 --> 01:02:53,400
Speaker 1: with garbage and become a complete garbage And then I

1218
01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:56,840
Speaker 1: I interpret that is you're a You're a filthy animal person.

1219
01:02:57,560 --> 01:02:59,800
Speaker 1: It doesn't know how to do anything unless I tell

1220
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:02,200
Speaker 1: you you. But she was just I mean, you know,

1221
01:03:02,280 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 1: she just says that stuff and I try not to react,

1222
01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:08,720
Speaker 1: but sometimes I have to go. I've been awake for

1223
01:03:08,760 --> 01:03:10,880
Speaker 1: many hours, I'm very tired. I might not react to

1224
01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:14,960
Speaker 1: the way a normal human should. So I'm going to

1225
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,440
Speaker 1: take a minute on this and take out the garbage

1226
01:03:17,480 --> 01:03:20,960
Speaker 1: and everything will be fine. And uh and yeah, everything,

1227
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:24,400
Speaker 1: everything's good. My wife is very happy at home. Well

1228
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 1: you can just tell it next time, Alison. You're really

1229
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:29,360
Speaker 1: ruining my plans of creating this place as a dump

1230
01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:32,120
Speaker 1: and now this is messing it all up. So thanks.

1231
01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:34,439
Speaker 1: I have design plans for this house too. It gets

1232
01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:37,840
Speaker 1: shot down all the time, trash everywhere. Sorry, that's an

1233
01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:44,360
Speaker 1: investment that garbage can tip of the day. Take a minute, guys.

1234
01:03:44,960 --> 01:03:46,120
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm going to be on the

1235
01:03:46,200 --> 01:03:49,880
Speaker 1: next episode, but either way, Mike has a very special guest.

1236
01:03:50,960 --> 01:03:55,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hopefully be in it, but I would be filming.

1237
01:03:55,280 --> 01:03:58,280
Speaker 1: So it'll be a dad day. Wow, because we had

1238
01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:00,680
Speaker 1: mom January and then to be you know, we have

1239
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:05,400
Speaker 1: a dad day in March. You get a day. It

1240
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:08,160
Speaker 1: sounds about right. But hopefully I'll be able to like

1241
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:12,040
Speaker 1: say something. I think we're taking our gear with us,

1242
01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:14,000
Speaker 1: so maybe we can just do a little pre interview.

1243
01:04:14,640 --> 01:04:17,200
Speaker 1: You can with me if you want, if you know,

1244
01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:19,040
Speaker 1: it's just like when we get nine months, you know,

1245
01:04:19,160 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 1: to do their thing and Dad's if we get sick,

1246
01:04:21,160 --> 01:04:23,840
Speaker 1: we get like two hours. I don't want to talk

1247
01:04:23,840 --> 01:04:27,720
Speaker 1: about it, Okay, I don't want to talk about it,

1248
01:04:28,160 --> 01:04:30,000
Speaker 1: all right. I love you guys, See you later.