Speaker 1: And I think understanding ourselves is the key to feeling
Speaker 1: deep fulfillment and joy in every single thing that we do.
Speaker 1: Welcome to a Really Good Cry podcast. A Really Good
Speaker 1: Cry is here to help you understand your body, feel
Speaker 1: confident in your skin, manage your emotions, and take back
Speaker 1: control of your health. Because growth doesn't always start with answers.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it starts with a really good cry. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
Speaker 1: I hope you've had such a wonderful week. And I
Speaker 1: was basing this episode on a conversation that I've been
Speaker 1: having with Jay lately. And honestly, I feel like I
Speaker 1: go through this every few years where I suddenly realize
Speaker 1: that I have this deep feeling about happiness in a
Speaker 1: certain part of my life. And I've been experiencing that lately,
Speaker 1: this feeling of disconnection from myself and the things that
Speaker 1: I'm doing and to be honest with everything that I'm
Speaker 1: doing in life. And I don't know about you, but
Speaker 1: I go through that quite often. I know that there
Speaker 1: are people in this world. Jbing one of them that
Speaker 1: feels like they have everything figured out all they really
Speaker 1: understand what their path is how they're living it, and
Speaker 1: they've got a deep purpose and intention behind it. But
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm the type of person who has
Speaker 1: to keep figuring it out every couple of years. And
Speaker 1: I think that's because you have to learn how to
Speaker 1: change and understand your values as you're growing and changing.
Speaker 1: And I was speaking to him recently and I asked him,
Speaker 1: how do you actually differentiate the thoughts that feel like
Speaker 1: yours and the thoughts of other people, because I think
Speaker 1: sometimes they can get really confusing. You can take on
Speaker 1: other people's beliefs, other people's values, and suddenly you realize
Speaker 1: that you've got all of these things in your mind,
Speaker 1: but are they really yours? Are they really what you
Speaker 1: believe in? And so how do you really know and
Speaker 1: can be so sure that how you are living is
Speaker 1: exactly how you want to be in a way that
Speaker 1: feels authentic and right for you. So we started speaking
Speaker 1: about values and how without knowing what you truly value,
Speaker 1: you don't really have a filter to make your decisions through,
Speaker 1: to really understand what thoughts that you want to hold
Speaker 1: on to and what to let go of in life,
Speaker 1: to really direct your life in a way you truly
Speaker 1: want it to go, and so I think being unclear
Speaker 1: on your values and end up creating so much confusion
Speaker 1: in life. And it's not that I feel like I
Speaker 1: don't know what any of my values are or that
Speaker 1: I'm starting from scratch. Sometimes you don't need to reinvent
Speaker 1: your life. You just need to re meet yourself. You
Speaker 1: need to understand yourself again. And I think understanding your
Speaker 1: values are such a great place to start, because when
Speaker 1: your values are unclear, everything starts to feel so confusing.
Speaker 1: You can be really busy, you can be achieving, you
Speaker 1: can be doing all the right things but still feel
Speaker 1: strangely disconnected because your life is moving, but not necessarily
Speaker 1: in the direction that feels true to you. I think
Speaker 1: that applies in so many different ways throughout your life.
Speaker 1: I feel like we change, and we grow, and we
Speaker 1: evolve so much. We take on so much from everyone
Speaker 1: and everything around us, and as years go on, you change,
Speaker 1: you change who you are, and sometimes the values that
Speaker 1: were once your core might just not ring true for
Speaker 1: you anymore. And sometimes you continue those values in your
Speaker 1: life year in, year out, and then they no longer
Speaker 1: feel matched to the current new and that's what can
Speaker 1: really make you feel disconnected. At least that's my experience
Speaker 1: of it. And when you go through life in that way,
Speaker 1: you're not actually listening to what your mind and your
Speaker 1: life is actually screaming at you, saying, no, this isn't
Speaker 1: fitting right, this doesn't feel right anymore. And the more
Speaker 1: you keep living in that, you move further away from
Speaker 1: yourself and can get this feeling of just being lost.
Speaker 1: And so Jay reminded me of this practice that I
Speaker 1: had read years ago in his book in Think Like
Speaker 1: among in the first chapter, and it's all about identity
Speaker 1: and how much of who we think we are is
Speaker 1: shaped by what we've absorbed from the world around us,
Speaker 1: the people that we spend time with, the media we consume,
Speaker 1: the goals we chase, whether we are who we think
Speaker 1: we are or who we think others think we are,
Speaker 1: and that the truth of who we actually are and
Speaker 1: what we value can get covered out by all this
Speaker 1: outside influence. And part of the work is just clearing
Speaker 1: that dust, clearing all those emotions, those thoughts, those feelings
Speaker 1: that we've really absorbed from other people, and just starting
Speaker 1: from scratch. So I recently went back to the chapter
Speaker 1: and I started doing this specific practice, and it really
Speaker 1: helps you to just identify what your values are, and
Speaker 1: it talks about how your actions tell the real story
Speaker 1: of what you value, how you spare your time and
Speaker 1: how you spend your money, because specifically how you spend
Speaker 1: your time and how you spend your money is really
Speaker 1: indicative to the things that you value in your life.
Speaker 1: Because it's so easy to say that my values are family, health, purpose, kindness, creativity,
Speaker 1: or spirituality, and maybe they are, but then you have
Speaker 1: to look at the evidence of your life. No matter
Speaker 1: what you think your values are, your actions are what
Speaker 1: tells the real story. What we do with our spare
Speaker 1: time actually shows what we value. And when I read that,
Speaker 1: I thought, yeah, you know what. Sometimes we do have
Speaker 1: this ideal version of ourselves, this version that values certain things,
Speaker 1: and we like to think that's who we are and
Speaker 1: what we're really doing. But actually evaluating your life and
Speaker 1: seeing where you spend your time and money, you might
Speaker 1: look at it and say, wow, I say I value
Speaker 1: spending time with my family, but then your time shows
Speaker 1: that you would rather actually spend every weekend with your
Speaker 1: friends or playing golf. I may say I really value
Speaker 1: our mental health, but realize that I have forty minutes
Speaker 1: to scroll on Instagram, but don't think I have time
Speaker 1: to meditate. So recommizing this audit of your life, and
Speaker 1: essentially you're breaking down pretty much every moment of your
Speaker 1: day and doing the same with your money. When you
Speaker 1: look at your monthly statement, you might say that you
Speaker 1: prioritize health, but you're actually spending most of your money
Speaker 1: on fast food rather than the grocery store. And one
Speaker 1: of the examples that I gave that I really liked
Speaker 1: was if you get a coffee every single day and
Speaker 1: it's about four dollars, that's about one thousand, five hundred
Speaker 1: dollars a year. And so you go through this summary
Speaker 1: of your cost and decide is it a need or
Speaker 1: is it a want? And is it something that I
Speaker 1: want to continue after seeing how much money I'm actually
Speaker 1: spending on it. One part I really loved is where
Speaker 1: he said, as a monk, I learned early on that
Speaker 1: our values are influenced by whatever absorbs our mind. We
Speaker 1: are not our minds, but our mind is the vehicle
Speaker 1: by which we decide what is important to our hearts.
Speaker 1: And so your calendar is your confession, Your bank statement
Speaker 1: is a confession, your screen time is a confession, Your
Speaker 1: relationships are a confession. They all reveal what has actually
Speaker 1: been running your life. And sometimes you realize, I thought
Speaker 1: I valued peace, but I've actually been valuing approval so
Speaker 1: much more. Or I thought I value growth, but I've
Speaker 1: actually been valuing being seen as successful. Not every value
Speaker 1: you live by is actually a value. Some of them
Speaker 1: are survival strategies that became your personality. Sometimes we value
Speaker 1: achievement because we learn that love came through being impressive,
Speaker 1: or sometimes we value being really easy going because we
Speaker 1: learned that it was safer not to have needs. You
Speaker 1: might value productivity because rest makes you feel really guilty.
Speaker 1: And those values might have protected us at one point.
Speaker 1: They might have really served a purpose and helped us
Speaker 1: feel like we belong. They might have helped us survive.
Speaker 1: They might have even helped us to succeed. And so
Speaker 1: what you do is you write down what your current
Speaker 1: life shows as your values right now and where you
Speaker 1: think it came from, and then does this still feel
Speaker 1: true to me? So you're going to write down what
Speaker 1: the value is, and I really recommend doing it value
Speaker 1: by value. Don't go through the fifty values that you
Speaker 1: think that you have, because it will without you realizing
Speaker 1: make you rush the process, and so I think the
Speaker 1: first time around, when I did this years ago, i
Speaker 1: actually did exactly that. I wrote down all these values
Speaker 1: that I thought I had that I wanted to have,
Speaker 1: and then I didn't finish the process because there was
Speaker 1: just so many there. And so actually, I think it's
Speaker 1: much more of a slower process where you think of
Speaker 1: one really deep value that you've lived by and work
Speaker 1: your way through this exercise, So what's the value, where
Speaker 1: does it come from? And does it still feel true
Speaker 1: to me? And once you've done that for like two
Speaker 1: or three of them, or maybe even five, stop there
Speaker 1: and try to have a week where you're really trying
Speaker 1: to ask questions and create your decisions based on those
Speaker 1: values if they are still ones that feel true to you.
Speaker 1: And then I actually started expanding it into my behaviors,
Speaker 1: because there's one thing about what you value, but there
Speaker 1: are also certain behaviors in my life that I've been
Speaker 1: noticing that I'm like, I really don't want to do
Speaker 1: that anymore. I don't want to act like that anymore.
Speaker 1: And I don't know where this has come from, but
Speaker 1: for some reason, this is how I'm behaving, or this
Speaker 1: is how I'm reacting, and so I started breaking down
Speaker 1: my behaviors, like what behaviors am I demonstrating what might
Speaker 1: be limiting me that don't feel right in my life?
Speaker 1: And where are they coming from? And is it a
Speaker 1: behavior that I want to continue? Sometimes I think that
Speaker 1: in things like therapy, we fixate so much on analyzing
Speaker 1: the past, which I think is absolutely so useful and
Speaker 1: it definitely has its place. But I think what has
Speaker 1: been even more useful for me in my life is
Speaker 1: the thought of who do I want to actually be
Speaker 1: right now and in the future. What do I want
Speaker 1: to value? What do I want my behaviors to be? So,
Speaker 1: for example, if a value you truly believe is being
Speaker 1: someone of integrity and truth, then how can I from
Speaker 1: this day on start imbibing that value in my life?
Speaker 1: Where do I feel I can put it into my life?
Speaker 1: Where do I feel I might struggle with that value?
Speaker 1: And why? And if you don't need the answer to that,
Speaker 1: it's about extreme of self observation, because sometimes these behaviors
Speaker 1: become so embedded in us that we don't even know
Speaker 1: we're doing them. If you're use the saying white lives
Speaker 1: to avoid discomfort, it might just reel off your tongue
Speaker 1: without you even realizing, and so observation has been such
Speaker 1: a big part of this process. It's also so nice
Speaker 1: because I think observation of ourselves should be a constant
Speaker 1: thing we do every day, and usually we end up
Speaker 1: feeling lost in our life when there's been repetitive moments
Speaker 1: where we have not been observing, where not observing ourselves
Speaker 1: has go on for too long, and eventually all the
Speaker 1: little signs that we might have caught had we been
Speaker 1: observing ourselves were completely missed, and then it kind of
Speaker 1: escalates into something much larger, which is harder to fix
Speaker 1: in the long run. And so in this way, if
Speaker 1: you end up observing yourself regularly, you know when things
Speaker 1: start to not feel right, and you can catch it
Speaker 1: earlier rather than letting it build and build and build
Speaker 1: and get to this extreme point that could have actually
Speaker 1: been avoided. Sodaym's practice. Hopefully we'll create a habit of
Speaker 1: its own and give you more insight into yourself daily
Speaker 1: and help you to make every decision based on that.
Speaker 1: That's part of this too. You pause before you make
Speaker 1: a payment, you pause before you choose how you're spending
Speaker 1: your time, or you're creating your calendar and say what
Speaker 1: is the value behind this choice? And eventually he says
Speaker 1: that it just becomes part of your decision making naturally,
Speaker 1: And so the more you do it, the more natural
Speaker 1: it's going to become. Another thing I've been thinking about
Speaker 1: is how much our values are shaped by the people
Speaker 1: that we spend the most amount of time with or
Speaker 1: have spent time within the past, whether it's family members,
Speaker 1: whether it's friends. And honestly, it's not even in an
Speaker 1: obvious way. It's not like someone sits you down and
Speaker 1: says you should care about this, But you start absorbing
Speaker 1: what people around you celebrate or what they complain about,
Speaker 1: or what they chase or avoid or prioritize, and you
Speaker 1: start normalizing what they normalize. And so if you're constantly
Speaker 1: around people who value status, you may start feeling like
Speaker 1: you're behind, or you may start noticing that you start
Speaker 1: to value status, even if that's not something that you
Speaker 1: want to be valuing. If you spend time around people
Speaker 1: who value peace, you might find yourself craving a calmer life.
Speaker 1: If you're around people who gossip, you might start becoming
Speaker 1: more judgmental without even realizing it, or even if you're
Speaker 1: around people who are disciplined, honest, creative, generous, or spiritually grounded,
Speaker 1: those qualities can start to wake up in you. Two.
Speaker 1: And I don't say that to make it sound like
Speaker 1: we should only be around perfect people that we literally
Speaker 1: doesn't exist, but I do think that we have to
Speaker 1: ask who am I becoming in the presence of the
Speaker 1: people that I spend the most amount of time with,
Speaker 1: Because sometimes we think of value is ours, but really
Speaker 1: we're just mirroring the environment that we've been in. And
Speaker 1: if there are values or behaviors we want to implement,
Speaker 1: then we have to become aware of the people we
Speaker 1: see spend time with to see if they support that
Speaker 1: value or not. And this can only be really hard
Speaker 1: to admit because we love people. We can deeply love
Speaker 1: someone and still recognize that the version of ourselves we've
Speaker 1: become around them is not the version that we want
Speaker 1: to keep feeding. Some people bring out your softness, some
Speaker 1: people bring out your insecurities, and some people make you
Speaker 1: feel expansive, and some people make you perform or make
Speaker 1: you feel smaller. Some people help you to remember what
Speaker 1: really matters, and other people pull you further away from it,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure even while I was saying those words,
Speaker 1: you can imagine the people in your life. It's very
Speaker 1: easy to find those people in your life if you
Speaker 1: really sit down and think about it. Even when I
Speaker 1: was saying those words, I could think of the people
Speaker 1: that do each of those things for me. And so
Speaker 1: you become conscious of that and you start to not
Speaker 1: necessarily cutting them out because they don't think it's about that.
Speaker 1: It's about limiting how you spend your time with those people.
Speaker 1: And it's really a balance. It's like how much do
Speaker 1: I really want to invite this into my life? And
Speaker 1: to that degree I have to create change in my life.
Speaker 1: And again, this isn't about judging them. It's just about
Speaker 1: being honest with yourself of who you are or who
Speaker 1: you are become with them. And so a big part
Speaker 1: of reevaluating your values is also reevaluating your environments, not
Speaker 1: in this dramatic way where you certainly just cut everyone off,
Speaker 1: but just asking does this space support the person that
Speaker 1: I am trying to become. I think an important part
Speaker 1: of this is also asking yourself what you're gaining from
Speaker 1: being in that environment, Because sometimes you can have a
Speaker 1: group of friends you don't feel like you really fit in,
Speaker 1: you don't feel like they really represent who you want
Speaker 1: to be. But it's just filling the stap of loneliness
Speaker 1: or feeling this sense of belonging that you want to feel,
Speaker 1: and you're too lazy or you're too worried about going
Speaker 1: out there and finding the people that really could be
Speaker 1: the people that you want to spend time with. I know,
Speaker 1: for me, I was in a point in my life
Speaker 1: where I really wanted to grow and change and evolve,
Speaker 1: but I had surrounded myself with people who didn't want
Speaker 1: to do that, or they'd make fun of the self
Speaker 1: development world or make fun of people for caring really
Speaker 1: deeply or being too sensitive, and so I felt like
Speaker 1: I had to become less sensitive. But I'm a sensitive person,
Speaker 1: and so we have to be honest with how much
Speaker 1: that actually affects you. I also think that big life
Speaker 1: changes can come completely shake your values, where so whether
Speaker 1: it's heartbreak or grief, burnout, betrayal, it can all change
Speaker 1: what you value. Even success can change what you value
Speaker 1: because sometimes you get all the things that you thought
Speaker 1: would make you so happy, and suddenly you realize that
Speaker 1: it didn't give you the feeling that you were chasing,
Speaker 1: and that can be really confusing because part of you thinks,
Speaker 1: but I really wanted this, and I worked for this,
Speaker 1: and I built my whole life around this. But maybe
Speaker 1: the point of life isn't to keep proving loyalty to
Speaker 1: an old desire. Maybe the point is you have to
Speaker 1: keep listening honestly and move with the times, move with
Speaker 1: how you're growing. Sometimes the season teaches you that what
Speaker 1: you used to value was actually safety or approval or
Speaker 1: being needed or feeling impressive, and then something happens that
Speaker 1: makes you realize, actually, I don't want to keep building
Speaker 1: my life around that anymore. That does not mean that
Speaker 1: your value at the time was wrong. It may have
Speaker 1: just served you then, but now you get to ask
Speaker 1: does it still serve the person that I'm trying to become.
Speaker 1: So you're basically doing a full self audit. And this
Speaker 1: isn't done in like one afternoon. It's something that I
Speaker 1: personally think that we should be taking our time with.
Speaker 1: It's something that once you implement, it becomes a weekly
Speaker 1: and monthly occurrence. And I think doing check ins with
Speaker 1: ourselves is really important, and so scheduling that time and again,
Speaker 1: if growth is something that you want, if it's a
Speaker 1: value that you want to uphold, if it's a behavior
Speaker 1: you want to have in your life of constantly trying
Speaker 1: to improve, then carving out that time where you are
Speaker 1: focusing on that in your day or in your week
Speaker 1: or in your month is going to show the universe.
Speaker 1: It's going to show you that that is what you
Speaker 1: really value. And honestly, when I first started doing this,
Speaker 1: when I thought, oh, what are my values? I had
Speaker 1: such a blank in my head. I was like, what
Speaker 1: in the world are my values? And so it really
Speaker 1: did help doing the money and time thing. It helped
Speaker 1: at least guide THECE start directing me to at least
Speaker 1: a few of them, and then as time went on,
Speaker 1: I was able to uncover a few more. And it
Speaker 1: truly did make me realize that some things that I
Speaker 1: really thought I valued or wanted was not what my
Speaker 1: actions were showing. And so the next step is categorizing
Speaker 1: your values into being higher values or lower values. Now,
Speaker 1: thiszation is based on the bugwer Gita, this incredible ancient text.
Speaker 1: It's got so much wisdom in it, but this is
Speaker 1: just a small part of it, and it talks about
Speaker 1: what higher values are and what lower values are. The
Speaker 1: higher values and qualities are ones that actually elevate us
Speaker 1: towards happiness, fulfillment, meaning, and lower values demote us to
Speaker 1: increase anxiety, depression, and suffering in the body and the mind.
Speaker 1: And so seeing your values and deciding which category of
Speaker 1: these they fit into, and then recognizing is there a
Speaker 1: big imbalance? Do I have so many of these behaviors
Speaker 1: and values that are actually bringing me down in comparison
Speaker 1: to the ones that are actually uplifting me? And how
Speaker 1: can I change that? What do I need to take
Speaker 1: up from this pocket or this bowl and put into
Speaker 1: this one? What do I need to remove from the
Speaker 1: lower values, and what do I need to incorporate more
Speaker 1: into my higher values that make me the person that
Speaker 1: I want to be. And so that's where I'm at
Speaker 1: right now. And it was such a useful exercise for
Speaker 1: me that I am still working through it, but I
Speaker 1: really want to share it in real time while I'm
Speaker 1: doing it, because I feel really passionate about it right now,
Speaker 1: because I don't want to feel lost, and I don't
Speaker 1: want you to feel lost, And I think understanding ourselves
Speaker 1: is the key to feeling deep fulfillment and joy in
Speaker 1: every single thing that we do. Yeah, it is hard work,
Speaker 1: but so is going through life not feeling like your
Speaker 1: best stuff, not feeling like you love the life that
Speaker 1: you're living, and not feeling like you're confused about where
Speaker 1: to go. Obviously, go by the book. There's so much
Speaker 1: more in it. I know it feels weird me plugging
Speaker 1: Jay's book, but it's actually really good. If you do
Speaker 1: try this exercise, let me know if it actually helped you.
Speaker 1: Let Jaye know that it helped you, because I think
Speaker 1: it's a really good one and I really want to
Speaker 1: hear your feedback on it and whether it's changed you
Speaker 1: as it is changing me. Hope you have such a
Speaker 1: great day and a great week, and I will see
Speaker 1: you next time.