Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Show you know much not in the sport.
Speaker 3: We have put together a program for this very evening.
Speaker 3: I know what you're thinking that you're thinking, like, hey, man,
Speaker 3: what the hell have you been? But you get ten
Speaker 3: days off for Thanksgiving? What are you a student at
Speaker 3: a boarding school?
Speaker 1: Yes, we do get the ten days for Thanksgiving, and
Speaker 1: no student at a boarding school, although I do sleep
Speaker 1: in a bunk bed and.
Speaker 3: I am on a field hockey team. It was a
Speaker 3: very fun week off, though I spent out like I
Speaker 3: was do. I track down the Turkey President Obama pardoned
Speaker 3: and I.
Speaker 1: Brought him to Johnston.
Speaker 4: Just because.
Speaker 3: I brought him to justice, it's because his powerful friends
Speaker 3: in Washington pardoned him. Doesn't mean he won't be held
Speaker 3: accountable for his crimes.
Speaker 1: Turkey.
Speaker 3: You were on the back of the office all feeling
Speaker 3: pretty relaxed. You know, nothing's really more relaxing than eating
Speaker 3: a long and drawn out meal with your extended.
Speaker 1: Family, people you spend all year avoiding. Now they're.
Speaker 3: In your house, hovering in the kitchen, opening drawers, pitching
Speaker 3: you ideas.
Speaker 1: For your show.
Speaker 3: Jonathan, I resent the bakery, and.
Speaker 1: The man in front of me said Who's next?
Speaker 2: And I said, take a number.
Speaker 4: You'll find out.
Speaker 2: You should use.
Speaker 1: That in what are your skits? It's like good Seinfeld.
Speaker 2: But so it's a little stress.
Speaker 1: That's why I like.
Speaker 3: I like Black Friday. I like people don't like Black
Speaker 3: Friday the day after Thanksgiving. I don't like it for
Speaker 3: the shopping. I like to do it because it's a
Speaker 3: great opportunity to take out the suppressed rage that my
Speaker 3: relatives helped generate and sign me, and then unleash that
Speaker 3: on complete strangers had a best buy, you know what
Speaker 3: I mean, so they know, like I didn't pin the
Speaker 3: guy from the geek squad against the wall by his
Speaker 3: neck because I really cared they were out of fifty
Speaker 3: inch plasma TVs. I pinned him there because for some reason,
Speaker 3: my family thought my brother in law's cousin should carve
Speaker 3: the turkey that I spent all day cooking because he's
Speaker 3: been struggling. You know what, let me just say this,
Speaker 3: you cook it, you carve it, Jeff.
Speaker 1: That's just the way it is. Now.
Speaker 3: All I need is to get a relative name Jeff,
Speaker 3: and that next Thursday, obviously there is a time to
Speaker 3: gather with family to commemorate the feast that Native Americans
Speaker 3: prepared for a struggling pilgrim settlement today that we refer
Speaker 3: to as Thanksgiving, and the Native Americans referred to.
Speaker 1: As an enormous mistake. But eat quickly, for you'll need
Speaker 1: your strength.
Speaker 5: Almost all the big stores are opening earlier than ever
Speaker 5: on the holiday.
Speaker 2: Tamart will be among the first to open at six am.
Speaker 1: Walmart, Target, Toys, r Us, J C.
Speaker 4: Penny, Best Buy, Big Lots.
Speaker 1: Cole's, Sears, Old Navy.
Speaker 4: They're all going to be open on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3: Every store in the vinegar World open, dil Do Depot open,
Speaker 3: tooth In open, just Gerbils open, The Bear Workshop open open.
Speaker 3: So if you're thinking, well, I guess I have to
Speaker 3: shop all day, but surely once the store is closed,
Speaker 3: I can go home and get a solid fifteen minutes
Speaker 3: at Thanksgiving in.
Speaker 6: Kmart's opening for forty one hours straight from six am
Speaker 6: Thanksgiving morning until eleven pm on Black Friday.
Speaker 1: Do you have any idea what this means?
Speaker 3: If someone tramples you for a furby Thursday morning, they
Speaker 3: don't find your body till Friday night. All right, So
Speaker 3: maybe Thanksgiving has become a pregame for Black Friday, but
Speaker 3: at least they cannot take away a turkey.
Speaker 7: Butterball, which produces about twenty percent of all US turkeys,
Speaker 7: says there will be a shortage of fresh turkeys that
Speaker 7: are sixteen pounds or larger.
Speaker 3: Are you kidding me? My turkey is not at least
Speaker 3: sixteen pounds? Then why am I having? I might as
Speaker 3: well eat a hummingbird.
Speaker 1: Stuffed with a single crew taw, maybe maybe a sousson
Speaker 1: of crazin. Why are you doing this to us turkeys?
Speaker 7: Butterball says this year their turkeys had to decline in
Speaker 7: weight gain, which is limiting supplies of fresh turkeys.
Speaker 6: They're not saying why the birds are actually smaller this year.
Speaker 3: Hello, perhaps we should go right to the source to
Speaker 3: find out what's going on with the turkeys. Ladies and gentlemen,
Speaker 3: please welcome to the show. Turkey number thirty seven seven
Speaker 3: forty inspected by number five.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the show.
Speaker 3: Hey, everybody you doing, How you doing?
Speaker 1: How you doing? John? Nice to see it, Thank you,
Speaker 1: very Thank you very much, John. How you doing? Nice
Speaker 1: to see what's going on?
Speaker 3: Uh? So, uh turkey, let me let me uh.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question? Why what is going on.
Speaker 2: What is it?
Speaker 1: What is the weight loss? Is it uh a political protest?
Speaker 1: Is is it? Bird flu? Why? Why does it got
Speaker 1: me some negative mus do it? Why? You know you're
Speaker 1: trying to get healthy? You start living your best self.
Speaker 1: Everybody applauds turkeys? Do it? Suddenly? What a bad guy? You?
Speaker 4: You all take a sleep?
Speaker 3: Oh so I didn't realize that you're just trying to
Speaker 3: slim down.
Speaker 1: You're trying to look better.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you know, cut down on the sweets, the antibiotics,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 1: I guess it doesn't help that. I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm stacking in a cage with a thousand other turkeys,
Speaker 3: and we live in our own I don't know. By
Speaker 3: the way, if I may ask a question, where are
Speaker 3: you right now? Where do you think I am? I'm
Speaker 3: at my lawyer's office.
Speaker 1: For for what? What do you need a lawyer for?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: The look at me? Does this look normally?
Speaker 3: You?
Speaker 1: Look at me? Look at me? Look at me. I
Speaker 1: don't have a head.
Speaker 2: What a sew all?
Speaker 1: You pricks all of youse?
Speaker 2: So cold?
Speaker 8: Where are my feathers?
Speaker 1: Where have my feathers? Do I still have my beautiful feathers?
Speaker 1: You do not? There? They're gone. Suing you pricks is
Speaker 1: too good for you. Wait on a second, Where are
Speaker 1: you going, sir? Where are you going? Where?
Speaker 8: Get back here? Where are you going? What's going on?
Speaker 8: What's going on? Come here you, I'll calm you. You'll prick.
Speaker 8: I'll show you what it's like to be calm you.
Speaker 8: Where where are you? Point me in the right direction.
Speaker 8: I will cut you. Light up, bitch, Come on, son
Speaker 8: of a bitch?
Speaker 1: Where are you?
Speaker 5: All right?
Speaker 1: Thank you very much, We'll be right back.
Speaker 4: That's Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 6: Next Thursday Nights, America celebrates the holiday that defines it
Speaker 6: as a nation, Black Friday. But where did Black Friday
Speaker 6: come from?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 5: To find out, we turned to Daisi Lightek and another
Speaker 5: episode of why do we celebrate this?
Speaker 6: Hey, get back, this one's mine. You are ready to
Speaker 6: die for this blatscreen because I am Hello, my shopaholics, maxinistas,
Speaker 6: maul rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and sales slugs.
Speaker 6: It's the holidays and that means one thing. Family. No,
Speaker 6: I'm kidding, that means shopping family.
Speaker 9: What the fuck?
Speaker 6: Like many of you, I too will be going out
Speaker 6: on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to
Speaker 6: buy shit, and Black Friday seems like something that's been
Speaker 6: around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when
Speaker 6: Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a
Speaker 6: little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays.
Speaker 6: The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It
Speaker 6: started in the nineteen twenties when retail stores wanted to
Speaker 6: set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season, so
Speaker 6: department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to
Speaker 6: Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then
Speaker 6: parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know,
Speaker 6: classics like Puff the meth Field Dragon, Whimsical Drifter, Murderer,
Speaker 6: and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare
Speaker 6: people to run inside the stores. I don't know. The
Speaker 6: point is retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season,
Speaker 6: and we're willing to do whatever it took to make
Speaker 6: it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression,
Speaker 6: they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a
Speaker 6: week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping, and after
Speaker 6: his cousin finished giving him a hand job, fdr agreed.
Speaker 6: Eventually they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what
Speaker 6: they wanted, because over the next few decades, more and
Speaker 6: more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
Speaker 6: But the first time the day was called Black Friday
Speaker 6: was in the nineteen sixties. It was actually coined by
Speaker 6: the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of
Speaker 6: traffic and chaos, and for shopping to cause chaos and Philadelphia,
Speaker 6: it has to really be chaos. I once set fire
Speaker 6: to a mannequin at Azara in Philadelphia, and they didn't
Speaker 6: even kick me out at the store. They just threw
Speaker 6: it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in
Speaker 6: the nineteen eighties that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and
Speaker 6: it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable
Speaker 6: little vegetable human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids.
Speaker 6: I got this one for three thousand dollars and I
Speaker 6: had to get punched by a lot of Grammas to
Speaker 6: get it, but it was worth it. The toys were
Speaker 6: in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.
Speaker 6: People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for
Speaker 6: some lettuce shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth
Speaker 6: it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would
Speaker 6: open the box, see the Cabbage Patch kid, and then
Speaker 6: play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kids set the
Speaker 6: standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the nineties,
Speaker 6: from erbies to beanie babies, to Tickle me elmos to
Speaker 6: countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to
Speaker 6: buy their way into their kids' hearts. By two thousand
Speaker 6: and two, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in
Speaker 6: stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people
Speaker 6: looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black
Speaker 6: Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start
Speaker 6: time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight, and
Speaker 6: then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They
Speaker 6: called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to
Speaker 6: the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving
Speaker 6: to choke out a stranger for an instapot. Oh that's ready,
Speaker 6: And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more
Speaker 6: dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a
Speaker 6: big octagon arena. It got so bad that in twenty eleven,
Speaker 6: you were statistically more likely to be injured in a
Speaker 6: Black Friday sale than from a shark attack, unless that
Speaker 6: shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then
Speaker 6: it depends on whoever wants that blender more got it? Yes,
Speaker 6: But sadly the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever.
Speaker 6: With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less
Speaker 6: relevant than the newer, shinier, two day, primier holiday that
Speaker 6: took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way
Speaker 6: to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in person stores.
Speaker 6: Just another way technology has pulled us further apart. I mean, sure,
Speaker 6: it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when
Speaker 6: we no longer have that one on one air frer
Speaker 6: to skull contact sad Also, in recent years, retail employees
Speaker 6: have begun pushing back on so called holiday creek, which
Speaker 6: is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods
Speaker 6: into Thanksgiving. Not what happens when your weird cousin hits
Speaker 6: the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on
Speaker 6: your underparts.
Speaker 9: But even as.
Speaker 6: Its golden days are behind it, Black Friday is still
Speaker 6: an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the super
Speaker 6: Bowl and the Purge. And now that you know its history,
Speaker 6: don't forget to keep it in perspective. Saving money is great,
Speaker 6: but this season isn't about fighting some stranger at a store.
Speaker 6: It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So
Speaker 6: happy shopping season now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta
Speaker 6: start practicing for the big day. Hey, step away from
Speaker 6: that dice. You think I won't pull out this pin, Well,
Speaker 6: guess what? TikTok? Motherfucker.
Speaker 2: Thanksgiving is coming and everyone's arguing about CDC guidelines, but
Speaker 2: Pilgrim's being problematic. But what about the non political Thanksgiving issues?
Speaker 2: For those I'm here to argue with random strangers on
Speaker 2: the street, improve me wrong? Thanksgiving edition. Thanksgiving is the
Speaker 2: worst holiday. I said it. I said it. Why why
Speaker 2: family gets together? It sounds terrible, but it's fun.
Speaker 1: Peeling vegetables with with family.
Speaker 2: Family. Yeah, appealing vegetables, that's your big argument, It's not
Speaker 2: the worst holiday because Columbus Day is a holiday, so
Speaker 2: there are worsts. Wait, so you actually genuinely have a
Speaker 2: good time at Thanksgiving?
Speaker 5: I do have a great time.
Speaker 2: Just how much we do guys smoke during Thanksgiving to.
Speaker 5: Get through It depends how much extended family is there.
Speaker 2: So what is the worst holiday?
Speaker 4: I have to say?
Speaker 2: And God forgive me, I'm irish, But Saint Patrick's Day
Speaker 2: can be really brutal in the city. Saint Patricca is
Speaker 2: amazing because on Thanksgiving people get mad. If you get
Speaker 2: black out, drum, you gotta travel, which is terrible. And
Speaker 2: Thanksgiving well, okay, haven't you heard of zoom? Okay, man,
Speaker 2: after two years of zooming non stop, I would love
Speaker 2: to zoom on my day off with my family. That
Speaker 2: sounds amazing. It' supposed to be one peaceful day about
Speaker 2: being thankful, you know, being thankful for like your family.
Speaker 2: Did you not receive love as a child? Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: another thing to bring up with family during the holidays.
Speaker 2: Wherever we're receiving off love as a child? Did you? Oh,
Speaker 2: this is trying to feel a little bit like theropy. Okay,
Speaker 2: So just so you know, I'm not paying you for this?
Speaker 2: All shoes should have buckles. Proved me wrong. I think
Speaker 2: shoes should just you know, not have buckles or laces
Speaker 2: or well, let's look at what the f you're wearing.
Speaker 2: Wait are you wearing dressed crocs? Look, Pilgrims? All of
Speaker 2: stuff wrong? Genocide not great, Turkey could picked a better
Speaker 2: animal to eat. But buckles, dude, they nailed it first time. Boom, Okay,
Speaker 2: buckles aren't appropriate for every occasion, Like what uh? If
Speaker 2: you're gonna hit the beach, you gotta pop on some flipflops.
Speaker 2: Pilgrims landed on the beach with buckles. But don't you
Speaker 2: want your feet to like breathe? Be old, I don't
Speaker 2: need people's feet to breathe. I'm not Quentin Tarantino. They'll
Speaker 2: make shoes more expensive, sure, but isn't pop the appeal
Speaker 2: of footwear that they're expensive as fuck? That's Nike built
Speaker 2: a goddamn empire based of that.
Speaker 9: But speaking of Nike, a lot of shoes they sell
Speaker 9: come with velgro chafts, not buckles.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like that's more convenient. If you're a
Speaker 2: goddamn child, then yeah, get some get some belcro. But
Speaker 2: if you're an adult. Put on a buckle like an adult.
Speaker 2: Pumpkin pie should replace apple pies or year round pie.
Speaker 2: Proved be wrong.
Speaker 4: Pumpkin pie has no taste.
Speaker 9: No taste, dude, it's a squash.
Speaker 10: If you think it tastes better, then wouldn't that make
Speaker 10: it more special to only eat it once a year?
Speaker 2: This is America. When you like something, you do it
Speaker 2: every day until you get sick of it, and they
Speaker 2: do it some more.
Speaker 10: Technically with hedonic adaptation. If you do it less often,
Speaker 10: then like you get to experience the full pleasure of it.
Speaker 2: Oh man, I feel like I just say something took.
Speaker 9: Okay, mister Pilgrim. First of all, when you go to
Speaker 9: mom's house, you don't sit down and she give you
Speaker 9: a pumpkin pie, so you're just slice of apple pie.
Speaker 9: You tell me why you would mess with America and
Speaker 9: you would mess with mom.
Speaker 2: Hey, you talk about mom's I'm trying to help moms here.
Speaker 2: It's way easier to make pumpkin pie and apple pie.
Speaker 2: Just open a can and done that. Ship in that's
Speaker 2: what you do.
Speaker 9: Look at that desecrating a mother again opening cans. Those
Speaker 9: are the second rate moments.
Speaker 2: Wow, now you're hating moms, So.
Speaker 9: Only a dad would would recommend that you must be
Speaker 9: a dad.
Speaker 2: Hey, that's never been proven in court.
Speaker 10: Apple has more variety, like you didn't play around with it,
Speaker 10: you know. Pumpkins just aren't as varied, so you get
Speaker 10: sick of it sooner.
Speaker 2: That's also argument. And how complicated apple pies are? You
Speaker 2: have to like pick an apple? There's like fifty different
Speaker 2: pumpkin too. No, there's only one pumpkin. There's no red
Speaker 2: delicious pumpkin. What Japanese pumpkins? No, that's a squash. Stop
Speaker 2: trying to take away my pumpkin pie. I don't squash
Speaker 2: pie or pumpkin pie. Yeah, instigating the crab. Now, people
Speaker 2: getting mad at you because you're wrong, you're wrong.
Speaker 10: Have psychology on my you're wrong.
Speaker 2: Well, we're gonna start a fighting union square about this
Speaker 2: right now. Palm good, Palm good.
Speaker 9: When the kid comes home from school or whatever, do
Speaker 9: you say, oh, a pumpkin a day, keep the doctor away. No,
Speaker 9: that's stupid, that's just stupid. You can't do that. You
Speaker 9: give him an apple.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I don't give my kid apple pie to
Speaker 2: make him live longer. Nobody likes bumping pie.
Speaker 9: It doesn't make you feel good, It doesn't make you
Speaker 9: feel homey.
Speaker 1: It just doesn't.
Speaker 2: It doesn't do anything for you.
Speaker 9: It's just a piece of crap.
Speaker 2: Well that's what I can only have it once a year. Well,
Speaker 2: I guess you win, and so you know what that means,
Speaker 2: I get to have to Yeah, be careful. You wish
Speaker 2: for lots of dumb people call me on arguing.
Speaker 5: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 5: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 5: The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Speaker 5: Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast now