1 00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:04,000 Speaker 1: Amy Chan is the founder of renewed Breakup boot Camp, 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,920 Speaker 1: a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: the healing heart. She is also the editor in chief 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: of hart Hackers Club. Amy has also been referred to 5 00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: you know, I love this one as a relationship expert 6 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw. 7 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: She's been featured on Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour Nightline, 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: in the front page of The New York Times. Her book, 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 1: Breakup boot Camp, The Science of Rewiring Your Heart was 10 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: published by HarperCollins and an instant Amazon bestseller. She's also 11 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: just one of my favorite people and has joined us 12 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,239 Speaker 1: on the podcast many times before. Amy, Hi, thank you 13 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: for being here. 14 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 2: Ry, thanks for having me. 15 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: Welcome our topic this month that told you was shedding, 16 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: and so we got a listener email that I thought, huh, 17 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: is this an interesting question to ask a relationship expert 18 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: about platonic male female relationships once you get involved into 19 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: a romantic relationship, Like, is that something that we should 20 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: be shedding? Chip? Do you want to go ahead and 21 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,400 Speaker 1: read the email for us? 22 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 3: Sure? It reads I dated a man for a while 23 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 3: and he continually mentioned his female best friend straight out 24 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 3: of the gate. He said that that they took a 25 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 3: trip together for his thirtieth birthday years back. Obviously a 26 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 3: very long time female friend. The top line issue he 27 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 3: never introduced us. There were three instances where he chose 28 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 3: her over me and quote unquote forgot about me. In 29 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 3: one of the situations, someone even assumed she was his girlfriend, 30 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 3: which made me wonder. Early on in our relationship, he 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 3: spent the night at her house when she was wait 32 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 3: He spent the night at her house when she was 33 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 3: not there because he rents his house as an airbnb 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 3: and it overlapped. I was not ready for him to 35 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 3: stay with me overnight. He reassured me that she wasn't 36 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 3: there when he spent the night. He told me that 37 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 3: part of the reason he moved to Nashville was because 38 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 3: of her. They were the same age, she is highly successful. 39 00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 3: At one point, I kind of felt like we could 40 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 3: friends and get along as we seemed interested in similar things. 41 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 3: Did she even know he was dating someone while she 42 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 3: was hanging out with him. That's hard for me to 43 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,920 Speaker 3: comprehend because if she did, I personally wouldn't be spending 44 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 3: that kind of time with someone out of pure respect. 45 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,919 Speaker 3: I have also never been a jealous person and took 46 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 3: the upside of things, but this one has me a 47 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 3: bit rocked. A month after we stopped talking, I found 48 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 3: out he took her along on one of his work trips, 49 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 3: took excursions with her in advance, basically doing things with 50 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 3: her that I wanted to do, things I suggested that 51 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 3: we do. He did this with a friend. My question is, 52 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 3: do you think it's appropriate to heavily maintain slash spend 53 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,800 Speaker 3: time with male slash female friends or friends of the 54 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 3: opposite sex when you're dating dating to build a relationship. 55 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 1: Well, Amy, I will just go ahead and defare write 56 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: to you. 57 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 3: Okay, it's a sticky one. 58 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 2: Okay, So I'm going to start with a general response 59 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 2: and then going to zoom into her specific situation. Generally speaking, 60 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 2: it is totally okay to have friends of the opposite sex, 61 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 2: and in fact, it is healthy. Having friends of the 62 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 2: opposite sex can give you perspective, and it's not like, ooh, 63 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 2: you know, once you pass your teens, if you're like 64 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,079 Speaker 2: friends with someone in the opposite sex and it has 65 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 2: to be sexual, it's not. And I'll go back into 66 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:29,519 Speaker 2: the zoomed out version after I talked about the situation. 67 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:34,519 Speaker 2: In this specific situation, we have what on on our hands, 68 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 2: something called a third And in any relationship, a third 69 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 2: can be a controlling mother in law, it could be 70 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 2: this best friend that kind of crosses limits. A third 71 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 2: is something or someone that threatens the bond and partnership 72 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 2: between the two people who are in the relationship and 73 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 2: they're typically is a period of time where there's a transition. 74 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 2: So when two people get together, maybe they do have 75 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 2: that best friend that used to do everything together, and 76 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,680 Speaker 2: then there's like a gradual kind of shifting and limits 77 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 2: are put. Not that you abandon the friendship, but that 78 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 2: friendship looks a little bit different, and you want to 79 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,720 Speaker 2: as a partner, make sure that your partner knows that 80 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 2: they are the priority, that the relationship is the priority, 81 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,080 Speaker 2: and if they're uncomfortable, then you have conversations about that 82 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 2: and things are renegotiated. You can't live your bachelor life 83 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,039 Speaker 2: like you did or your bachelorette life like you did 84 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 2: when you are creating a partnership with someone. So in 85 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,480 Speaker 2: this case, it seems like the third was this best 86 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 2: friend and maybe the intention was innocent, but the reality 87 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,920 Speaker 2: is it was impacting the person who is in the relationship, 88 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 2: the girlfriend, and impacting them in a negative way, and 89 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 2: it seemed like the boyfriend didn't really care. And he's like, well, 90 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 2: I used to do it like this. I used to 91 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,160 Speaker 2: have these trips, I used to do the sleepovers. I'm 92 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,760 Speaker 2: going to just keep doing the thing that I want 93 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 2: to do. And unfortunately that shows that this person isn't 94 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 2: that we oriented and it's really like, well, what feels 95 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 2: good for me, what's comfortable for me and you? If 96 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,480 Speaker 2: you want a partnership, you need to build that muscle 97 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 2: and that skill to think for we to think as 98 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 2: a team. And this relationship, whether it was this best 99 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,039 Speaker 2: friend being an issue or it's later on down the road, 100 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 2: maybe they have a family, there's gonna be another thing 101 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 2: where it shows he's going to choose being selfish and 102 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 2: what he wants to do and she's just shit out 103 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 2: of luck. 104 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,279 Speaker 1: Yeah you can edge. 105 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 3: I love it already. 106 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: I love that you're doing the version of it where 107 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: it's just about more about being selfish versus the laser 108 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: focus of this specific relationship because it just looks to 109 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: me the same. It's not thinking as the team. And 110 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 1: so my other question would be at what point because 111 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,240 Speaker 1: she did mention this was like beginning stages. You know, 112 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,280 Speaker 1: this seems like maybe they didn't date that long. I'm 113 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: not even sure if they're still together. But at what 114 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,760 Speaker 1: point should we start kind of analyzing our life and 115 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: looking at our relationships outside of our romantic relationship that 116 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: we just began? Like does that that? Did that word 117 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: that in a way that makes sense? Yeah? 118 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 2: So, like, is there a time point in the relationship 119 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 2: where it's like, okay, like let's kind of do an 120 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 2: inventory of all the threats of the relationship. 121 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,680 Speaker 1: Well, I mean because at the beginning, you don't know 122 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: if you're going to stay with someone, right, Like, if 123 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 1: you just go on a couple dates with someone, it's 124 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,359 Speaker 1: not like you should uproot your entire life or the 125 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:45,599 Speaker 1: way you do things. Yet. 126 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,400 Speaker 2: For sure, Yeah, I think there's a point in time 127 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: where it's no longer just dating, and it's two people 128 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,160 Speaker 2: who've made a conscious decision of we're going to choose 129 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 2: to level up and deepen the investment in this commitment 130 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 2: and we are walking on a path of building a partnership. 131 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 2: When you make that decision, then things do start to change. 132 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 2: You have to start thinking about Okay, my apartment, we 133 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 2: want to live together. Are they just going to move 134 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 2: into my you know, single bachelor place with all my 135 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 2: stuff here, or are we going to think we like, 136 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 2: there's all these decisions that you have to start to 137 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 2: make that are different from when you were just purely 138 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 2: a single person. 139 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels like she was maybe picking up on 140 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 1: the instinct that he wasn't operating as a partnership at all. 141 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, And it also does it also doesn't. It's not 142 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,880 Speaker 3: that clear how long the relationship was. She just said 143 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 3: I dated for a while, So I wonder if she 144 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 3: the writer was further along mentally than he was in 145 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 3: the relationship and he you know, like, I mean, it 146 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 3: seems like there was a decent amount of time, but 147 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,080 Speaker 3: like this could have been too much. 148 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 2: You know. 149 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 3: Yeah. And I can also understand from the person who 150 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 3: wrote this her perspective of like not wanting to seem 151 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 3: like a bitch to the best friend, because then she's 152 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 3: gonna be in easy ear about like why are you 153 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 3: dating this girl? She doesn't seem like anyone that you 154 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 3: should be with, Like, she doesn't seem to trust our relationship. 155 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 3: So it's a really touchy sort of thing. 156 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 2: To walk it seems like, yeah, that's a really good 157 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 2: point ship. And ultimately, in this case, it is up 158 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 2: to the boyfriend to create those limits and boundaries. It's 159 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 2: not hers. When there's a third right and now zooming out. 160 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,440 Speaker 2: If you have a mother that's constantly controlling, like looking 161 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 2: into your life and they're coming into your relationship, it's 162 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,520 Speaker 2: not the wife's responsibility to then have a conversation with 163 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,920 Speaker 2: her mother in law. She talks to her husband. The 164 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 2: husband's like, Okay, I'm going to take care of this, 165 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 2: and the husband goes and does his thing to make 166 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 2: sure that he's protecting the relationship bubble. 167 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: So ultimately, men and women it's totally fine to be 168 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,559 Speaker 1: friends and they can't be like, it's not like you're 169 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: attracted to every man or woman in this world. 170 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 2: And let's be realistic here. You can be friends with 171 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 2: someone of the opposite sex and maybe they do think 172 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 2: you're really pretty mm hmm. There's gonna be people who 173 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 2: are going to be attracted to you. There's going to 174 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 2: be people that you're going to look at you, Oh, 175 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 2: you're attractive, But it's ultimately up to you as a 176 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 2: person in a relationship that is committed that if you've 177 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 2: chosen loyalty and monogamy, that you stay in integrity with that. 178 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 2: And you can't control all of the factors that are 179 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 2: going to be happening in the world. And if this 180 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 2: person looks at you this way, and like someone compl 181 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,360 Speaker 2: compliments you, you can't control all of that, right, right, 182 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: and and so like I like, for me personally, I 183 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 2: have a lot of friends male female, and I'm sure, yeah, 184 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 2: some of them probably think I'm hot maybe, but I 185 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,559 Speaker 2: was single, they would date me. That's not my it's 186 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,560 Speaker 2: not my problem. Like I know my boundaries, I know 187 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:08,520 Speaker 2: where I'm going. I don't want to date them. Like 188 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 2: I'm committed to my partnership. So it's not about like, ooh, 189 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 2: let's pluck out anyone who thinks Amy's pretty. 190 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. 191 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,679 Speaker 3: I also like in my relationship with my boyfriend, we 192 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 3: you know, it's like if we see someone we think 193 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 3: is hot, like we started very early allowing the other 194 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 3: person to say it, you know what I mean, because 195 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 3: it's like there's no reason why we sho why that 196 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 3: should in my opinion, there's no reason why my opinion 197 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 3: of what someone looks like should change. It doesn't mean 198 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 3: I want to sleep with them. But I can note 199 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,520 Speaker 3: if a hot person walks by, just like I can 200 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,200 Speaker 3: note that a beautiful woman walks by and I don't 201 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 3: want to sleep with her, you know. Like, so I 202 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 3: you know, I think it's it is really about like 203 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 3: setting the boundaries early on, because you know, if it's 204 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 3: not if it's an unspoken thing and you don't know, 205 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 3: and then suddenly you start doing something out of the 206 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 3: blue that make somebody really uncomfortable, it might kind of 207 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 3: be too late, like you might like have lost that 208 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 3: battle and could you know, cause a much worse fight, 209 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 3: I would think, you know. So, I think it's like 210 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 3: for boundaries like this, they need to be discussed pretty 211 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 3: early on. And this seemed like, you know, it was 212 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 3: an obvious thing right out of the get go, you know, 213 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 3: Like so maybe maybe the writer I don't know what 214 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 3: her name is, but maybe she just took too long 215 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,640 Speaker 3: to like address it and it became something that like 216 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,880 Speaker 3: was so much bigger than it needed to be. 217 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think. 218 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 2: It is important that there is when, especially in the 219 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 2: beginning stages of building, there has to be a sense 220 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:51,080 Speaker 2: of safety. Yeah, And so, like some people might have 221 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 2: an issue with the best friend, some people might not. 222 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,960 Speaker 2: I know again, personally, my when I just started dating 223 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 2: my partner, my boyfriend went on a meditation retreat with 224 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,240 Speaker 2: his best friend who's a girl, and I was like, amazing, 225 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 2: this is awesome, Yeah, have a fun time. Like I 226 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 2: just didn't like if I was really if there was 227 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 2: something about the relationship or us that I was a 228 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,200 Speaker 2: little bit insecure about, maybe I wouldn't have been so 229 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 2: open minded about it. And I think, like, yeah, it 230 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 2: is sometimes it's not rational, right, Like you might be like, what, 231 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 2: I've known this person, they're like a sibling to me, 232 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:29,000 Speaker 2: and your new partner feels a little bit weird. And again, 233 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 2: if you want to invest in the relationship, then you 234 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 2: want to then focus like, Okay, what can I do 235 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,079 Speaker 2: to create a sense of safety that is reasonable? And 236 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 2: when a foundation is built and you feel connected and 237 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 2: two people feel safe, a lot of these things are 238 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 2: just symptomatic of something else. 239 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: It's so true. Would I totally agree the guy that 240 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: I'm dating currently, his best friend is a girl, and 241 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,320 Speaker 1: I've never and of all people, tip, I think you 242 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: would be like oof because I have typically in the 243 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,720 Speaker 1: past had a hard time just because of being cheated 244 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 1: on in the past and things like that, this relationship 245 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: has never once bothered me, but it's because of the 246 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: way he's handled it. And like I've met her, I 247 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:13,199 Speaker 1: know the reader the writer mentioned that she never was introduced, 248 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: And sometimes it just takes that one simple thing and 249 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: it removes all the questions. You feel totally comfortable because 250 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: you feel included, and then there's no guessing. So let's 251 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 1: talk about the boundaries. I know we've mentioned that word 252 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: a couple times. What are some good boundaries that people 253 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: can set if they do find themselves in a situation 254 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,079 Speaker 1: like this where their partner is best friends or friends 255 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: with someone from the opposite sex. 256 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 2: So are you asking the case of like this boyfriend, 257 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 2: what he could have done. 258 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,200 Speaker 1: Well, maybe let's do both. What could the girlfriend make, Like, 259 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,319 Speaker 1: what are some requests that maybe she could make to 260 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 1: ask for safety? You know, like she obviously didn't feel safe, 261 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 1: so was there something she asked from him? And then 262 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: let's talk about maybe from the boyfriend's perspective, what are 263 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: some and that if you are the one in the 264 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 1: situation where you have the friend of the opposite sex, 265 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 1: that maybe you could be aware of or kind of 266 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,400 Speaker 1: keep on your radar. Et cetera. 267 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, So if I was a girl, this is 268 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 2: what I would have said to my boyfriend. I'd be like, hey, 269 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:21,080 Speaker 2: I know you have this really incredible friendship and I really, 270 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 2: you know, want to respect that, and I really want 271 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 2: to like continue building our relationship. I would love to 272 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 2: meet her. That would make me feel really comfortable. And 273 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 2: I know that you, you know, have a history of 274 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 2: like doing these things together, and I'm not going to 275 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 2: encroach on your time. This is what would make me 276 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 2: feel really comfortable meeting her maybe once in a while. 277 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,040 Speaker 2: Coming along to a thing, you know, then you kind 278 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 2: of state your preferences. You're not making a demand. You're 279 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 2: not being like, well, I need to go to that 280 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: thing then, because when you make a demand, what happens 281 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,720 Speaker 2: is automatically people have two reactions. They are either going 282 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,400 Speaker 2: to bell against you and be like fuck you, or 283 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 2: they're going to comply and then they're going to resent you. 284 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 2: So they have to ultimately choose. You can only say 285 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,560 Speaker 2: to preference. That's what I would say. I would let 286 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 2: them know how to make it comfortable for me. 287 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: Okay. And then if you're the boyfriend and your partner 288 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: expresses to you certain things that you would you know, 289 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: the safety pieces or whatever. Then what do you need 290 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,920 Speaker 1: to be alert or aware of within your relationship with 291 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: the friend? 292 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think at that point you have to 293 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 2: if you're in this situation, if you're the guy, you 294 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 2: have to like look at what is my partner asking? Okay? 295 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 2: And is it reasonable? Like if you were in their position, 296 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 2: like like are they totally being crazy? Because I think 297 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,240 Speaker 2: sometimes we get defensive. We're like, oh, you're being crazy 298 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 2: or being sensitive, but like really are they? Am I 299 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 2: doing everything that I possibly can to create a safe 300 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 2: container for my partner and like be really honest with 301 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 2: you yourself, and if you don't know, I would really 302 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 2: get a second opinion, probably from a professional expert, not 303 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 2: someone who's just going to agree with you. That will 304 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 2: help you. And then when you go to your best 305 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 2: friend or whatnot, I wouldn't blame it on your like 306 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 2: oh yeah, you know what, my girlfriend doesn't really like 307 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 2: us hanging out, just be like, you know, I know, 308 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 2: we had like that trip scheduled together and like I'm 309 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 2: dating this person. It's going really well, and I think 310 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 2: just so I could like really make her feel comfortable 311 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,840 Speaker 2: and also like be able to have some time with her. 312 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,320 Speaker 2: I'm gonna pause on the trip and like, why don't 313 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 2: we instead, like just do a dinner together, Like you're 314 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 2: gonna also like into create your best friend and your 315 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 2: new friend. And look, in this situation, this guy's best 316 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 2: friend was getting all of the emotional connection without being 317 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 2: in a relationship. Of course she's gonna make it obviously, Yeah, 318 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,960 Speaker 2: and she probably is like whether you know, I'm sure 319 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 2: she's a good person, but probably deep down she's probably 320 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 2: protective of this relationship that was really nourishing for her. 321 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 2: She probably doesn't want to let it go either. 322 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,159 Speaker 1: That's what I was going to say, because there's that 323 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,159 Speaker 1: thing where like, if you're in the relationship, you have 324 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: this friendship with this person of the opposite sex, what 325 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:17,480 Speaker 1: needs can you get met ultimately that you wouldn't then 326 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 1: have to turn to your partner, you know, Like if 327 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,639 Speaker 1: you start talking to your friend about the issues you 328 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,440 Speaker 1: and your partner are having, that's bad for the relationship, right, 329 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 1: And so it's like where do where do you draw 330 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: the line? Though, especially if it's your like best friend, 331 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: your confidant, that you usually go to. Something about it 332 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 1: being the opposite sex to me always seems to kind 333 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,399 Speaker 1: of ping me a little more of like, oh, but 334 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 1: they could be going and getting their emotional needs met there. 335 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:48,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I think it's a valid fear, right, Like, yeah, 336 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,440 Speaker 2: we want to be able to de risk as much 337 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 2: as possible so that we don't get hurt or we 338 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,920 Speaker 2: don't get betrayed. But ultimately, when you choose someone, the 339 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 2: you know, the whole is you are going to be 340 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,560 Speaker 2: in integrity and the partner you've chosen is also going 341 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 2: to be an integrity And there's only so much we 342 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 2: can do control to control them. Yeah, and she drops right. Yeah. 343 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 3: I mean what's interesting too, is like in the paradigm 344 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,679 Speaker 3: that we're talking about now about opposite sex, Like if 345 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 3: you think about it gay and relate gay and lesbian relationships, 346 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,359 Speaker 3: like most gays they're best friends or men, right, and 347 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 3: most lesbian's best friends are women. So it's like you're 348 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 3: kind of dealing with it all the time. Yea, And 349 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,199 Speaker 3: so I think it is. I think Amy brings up 350 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 3: the best point is like you just have to like 351 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,119 Speaker 3: have faith in like the integrity of the person that 352 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,359 Speaker 3: you're choosing to be with. I mean in the in 353 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 3: a in a in the straight scenario. Like, my concern 354 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:54,880 Speaker 3: would be that, like if say I'm the man and 355 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,720 Speaker 3: I'm talking to my female best friend about thing issues 356 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 3: in my relationship to get like a woman's perspective, Like, 357 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:07,640 Speaker 3: I wonder if the chance of, like because you're being 358 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 3: vulnerable and you're talking about things that are not going 359 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,760 Speaker 3: well in your relationship, if it opens up a portal 360 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,160 Speaker 3: in your friendship that wasn't really there that's when I met, 361 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:22,680 Speaker 3: like something that happened that like wasn't there before. Then 362 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,160 Speaker 3: you start having real problems because the emotional connection changes. 363 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,280 Speaker 3: It's not just I love you, you're my best friend, 364 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 3: it's like, wait a minute, I haven't seen this vulnerable 365 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,199 Speaker 3: side of you, and I'm falling in love with you, 366 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,919 Speaker 3: and maybe that I think that could be a real concern. 367 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 3: But I also think that probably happens in the game 368 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 3: the gay on the gay side of things as well. 369 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:46,680 Speaker 2: So yeah, I think ultimately our relationship there are things 370 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 2: that are sacred. And if you find you're constantly going 371 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 2: to your friend, whether they're same sex, opposite sex, whatever, 372 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,000 Speaker 2: and you're you're kind of spilling the secrets and the 373 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 2: deepest intimacies of your relationship, there's something that's unhealthy there. Yeah, 374 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 2: so either you know, get professional help, or you know, 375 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 2: like take a step back and look at why you're 376 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 2: going to your friend and revealing all this stuff that 377 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 2: is actually meant to be you having a conversation with 378 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,200 Speaker 2: your partner to deal with it. Sometimes we don't deal 379 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 2: with our own partner because we're just talking to someone else. 380 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 1: About it, right, well, right, And the stakes are higher 381 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,119 Speaker 1: when you're dealing with your partner. There's emotions, there's the 382 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 1: relationship couldn't the relationship could be on the line with 383 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 1: those conversations like hard conversations, and stakes are just so 384 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,240 Speaker 1: much higher in a romantic situation. Then if you're just 385 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 1: venting to a friend, right yeah. Yeah. So if this 386 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 1: person was a client of yours and came to you 387 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 1: and said exactly what she said in the email to you, 388 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,000 Speaker 1: are there any major red flags that you would just say, well, 389 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,919 Speaker 1: we should take note of this. Is it just to 390 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,119 Speaker 1: go back to she obviously didn't feel safe. As the 391 00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: bigger picture. 392 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 2: I would have first worked with her to do whatever 393 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:10,399 Speaker 2: she could to communicate and know that she's kind of 394 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,639 Speaker 2: done her part. And if she communicated and he was 395 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 2: like I don't care, then Yeah, like that's showing it 396 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 2: right now, like this person is not a team player 397 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 2: with you, and so yes, get out. But if she 398 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,880 Speaker 2: kind of was like, oh well I kind of don't 399 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 2: want to say anything and maybe he should just know. 400 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,879 Speaker 2: I would then focus on, well, why do you not 401 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 2: communicate your needs or you push them down? What's there? 402 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 2: What's the root of that? And we would work on 403 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 2: that versus before we work on him. 404 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,480 Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh I love these points. 405 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 3: Well. 406 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 1: As I mentioned before, Amy is the founder of the 407 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,160 Speaker 1: Breakup boot Camp, which I have attended. It was very 408 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,400 Speaker 1: helpful in my life. But you've also now started a podcast, 409 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:54,200 Speaker 1: so it's much more accessible to people to learn about 410 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 1: the rules of the Breakup boot Camp. I guess if 411 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: you will, do you want to tell us what we 412 00:21:58,400 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 1: can find on the podcast? 413 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, So it's seven episodes. Each episode is on 414 00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,880 Speaker 2: a different stage of the healing process because you need 415 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 2: different strategies depending on where you're at. So what you're 416 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,480 Speaker 2: gonna do in the shock stage, it's very different than 417 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 2: when you're in the denial stage. And it really whether 418 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,639 Speaker 2: you're in a breakup or you're not. It just really 419 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:22,200 Speaker 2: goes into the science and psychology of relationship patterns. Why 420 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 2: do we choose the people we do? Why do we 421 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 2: act codependent? Why don't we stay at our boundaries? Why 422 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,280 Speaker 2: do we go for the unavailable person? We so often 423 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,640 Speaker 2: we think it's because of our ex. It's our ex's fault. 424 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 2: They're like this, But like, it's never just about the X. 425 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,879 Speaker 2: It's recycled paid. And if we don't figure out our patterns, 426 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,080 Speaker 2: they don't magically disappear through time. They follow you from 427 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 2: relationship to relationship. 428 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not just about finding the new relationship and 429 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,800 Speaker 1: then you're fixed. I tried that one, guys. Just let 430 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 1: me to just tell you it's not about that. Well, 431 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,439 Speaker 1: you guys, go check out that podcast. I'll put the 432 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,520 Speaker 1: link in the description of this podcast Amywhere else can 433 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,919 Speaker 1: people find You. 434 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 2: Can follow me on Instagram at miss amy chan on 435 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 2: my website is renew Breakup bootcamp dot com. 436 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 1: Amazing, And again I'll put all of that in the 437 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,200 Speaker 1: description of this podcast. Thank you so much for being here. 438 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,359 Speaker 1: It is always such a pleasure. 439 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 3: So good to finally meet you. 440 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, nice to me too. 441 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: Thank you guys for listening.